WEBVTT - How To Master Your Emotions in 90 Seconds & Save Yourself From Regret 0:00:01.920 --> 0:00:06.840 Let's be honest. Life is stressful, its work, its relationships, 0:00:06.880 --> 0:00:09.239 and the state of the world. But there's a way 0:00:09.280 --> 0:00:12.799 to bring that stress level down. Calm. It's the number 0:00:12.800 --> 0:00:15.320 one app for mental wellness with tons of content to 0:00:15.400 --> 0:00:20.760 manage anxiety, promote concentration, and help you unwind. There's music, meditation, 0:00:21.000 --> 0:00:23.840 a more Calm makes it easy to de stress. You 0:00:23.880 --> 0:00:27.720 can literally do a one minute breathing exercise. Personally, I 0:00:27.800 --> 0:00:31.560 love the soundscapes. Nothing like a little rain on leaves 0:00:31.600 --> 0:00:34.880 to help soothe my nervous system. I've actually been working 0:00:34.880 --> 0:00:36.920 with Calm for a couple of years now, and I'd 0:00:36.960 --> 0:00:39.400 love for you to check out my series on reducing 0:00:39.479 --> 0:00:44.600 overwhelm eight short practices Quick Relief. Right now, listeners of 0:00:44.640 --> 0:00:48.000 On Purpose get forty percent off a subscription to Calm 0:00:48.120 --> 0:00:52.199 Premium at Calm dot com. Forward slash j that's c 0:00:53.040 --> 0:00:57.800 LM dot com Forward slash jay for forty percent off. 0:00:57.960 --> 0:01:02.560 Calm your Mind, Change your life. Ninety seconds could be 0:01:02.640 --> 0:01:07.800 the difference between saying what you mean or saying something mean. 0:01:09.000 --> 0:01:13.679 Ninety seconds could be the difference between losing someone you 0:01:13.800 --> 0:01:18.760 love or showing someone how you want to love them. 0:01:19.400 --> 0:01:22.880 Ninety seconds could be the difference in what the next 0:01:23.000 --> 0:01:27.679 nine weeks or nine months may look like. Ninety seconds 0:01:28.360 --> 0:01:32.400 of sitting with the emotions in your body allowing them 0:01:32.400 --> 0:01:35.360 to settle will actually give you an awareness of what 0:01:35.400 --> 0:01:39.600 you're actually experiencing. The number one health and Wellness podcast, 0:01:39.920 --> 0:01:48.440 Jay Setty, Jay Settyjon. Hey everyone, welcome back to Honor Purpose, 0:01:48.560 --> 0:01:52.720 the place you come to become happier, healthier and more healed. 0:01:53.040 --> 0:01:55.960 My name's Jay Shetty, and I'm so thankful to be 0:01:56.040 --> 0:02:01.160 back with you now. I recorded this theme for an 0:02:01.200 --> 0:02:04.400 episode of My Daily Jay on Calm. If you're not 0:02:04.560 --> 0:02:09.320 using calm to find balance, to find meaning, to meditate 0:02:09.360 --> 0:02:13.480 and practice mindfulness daily, definitely check it out and it 0:02:13.600 --> 0:02:17.960 inspired a longer episode over here. So there's a quote 0:02:18.000 --> 0:02:23.880 that I absolutely love from Victor Frankel, the groundbreaking psychologist 0:02:24.040 --> 0:02:28.200 and Holocaust survivor, and the quote goes like this, between 0:02:28.320 --> 0:02:33.680 stimulus and response, there is a space in that space. 0:02:34.200 --> 0:02:39.400 Is our power to choose our response. In our response 0:02:39.840 --> 0:02:44.320 lies our growth and our freedom. Let me say that again, 0:02:45.160 --> 0:02:51.280 between stimulus and response, there is a space in that space. 0:02:51.680 --> 0:02:56.280 Is our power to choose our response. In our response 0:02:56.680 --> 0:03:01.280 lies our growth and our freedom. We've heard this principle 0:03:02.080 --> 0:03:06.120 probably a few times before, the idea that it's not 0:03:06.200 --> 0:03:09.600 about what happens to you, it's about how you respond. 0:03:10.320 --> 0:03:13.360 It's not about what's going on around you, it's what 0:03:13.480 --> 0:03:17.040 you're able to do with it. It's not about what 0:03:17.120 --> 0:03:20.840 the world throws at you, but what you decide to 0:03:20.919 --> 0:03:23.880 do with it. And if you think about it, if 0:03:23.880 --> 0:03:27.320 someone throws something at you, you have a choice. You 0:03:27.360 --> 0:03:30.480 can catch it and almost make it a part of yourself. 0:03:31.160 --> 0:03:35.120 You can dodge it and allow it to flow past you, 0:03:35.960 --> 0:03:38.600 or you can catch it and throw it back to 0:03:38.720 --> 0:03:41.880 try and create pain on the other person's behalf as well. 0:03:43.000 --> 0:03:46.960 We always have a choice. But what happens is that 0:03:47.080 --> 0:03:50.840 as time goes on, as we get busier, as we 0:03:50.960 --> 0:03:55.760 reflect less, as we focus less on why these things happen, 0:03:55.880 --> 0:03:59.480 what's happening around us, and as we just feel more overwhelmed, 0:04:00.080 --> 0:04:05.240 we lose the ability to choose our response. And when 0:04:05.280 --> 0:04:09.720 we lose the ability to choose our response, we potentially 0:04:09.760 --> 0:04:14.040 lose our ability to According to Victor Frankel, have growth 0:04:14.320 --> 0:04:19.800 and freedom, two things that I think are extremely important now. 0:04:19.920 --> 0:04:23.560 In the Daily Jay episode, I talked about an experience 0:04:23.600 --> 0:04:25.279 I had where I was driving home. It was a 0:04:25.279 --> 0:04:28.960 beautiful day, the sun was out, and I was playing 0:04:29.000 --> 0:04:32.640 some awesome music, and then all of a sudden, a 0:04:32.720 --> 0:04:35.400 car came out in front of me, truly just cut 0:04:35.440 --> 0:04:38.240 me off by surprise, Like I was really scared that 0:04:38.279 --> 0:04:41.000 we were about to have an accident. I breaked really 0:04:41.040 --> 0:04:45.160 really hard. I could feel some anger because it was 0:04:45.200 --> 0:04:47.280 so like I can't tell you how close it was, 0:04:47.800 --> 0:04:51.080 and I really really felt like it was, you know, 0:04:51.240 --> 0:04:55.160 seconds apart, tiniest space from leading to a big accident 0:04:55.160 --> 0:04:57.279 which not only would have affected me, but would have 0:04:57.320 --> 0:05:00.720 affected them as well. And I'm sure you've had this experience, right, 0:05:01.200 --> 0:05:06.279 I'm sure you've had this experience where someone cuts you off. 0:05:06.279 --> 0:05:09.400 Something happens, maybe in traffic, you get really really angry, 0:05:10.080 --> 0:05:14.080 and you're feeling this tension. You're feeling this stress, and 0:05:14.600 --> 0:05:17.400 you might even want to, you know, like get out 0:05:17.400 --> 0:05:19.240 and talk to the driver. Some of you may get 0:05:19.279 --> 0:05:25.360 really angry. And maybe you've felt this before and maybe 0:05:25.400 --> 0:05:27.080 you've acted on it. Now I didn't act on it 0:05:27.080 --> 0:05:29.479 that day, but maybe you've acted on it. And I 0:05:29.520 --> 0:05:31.640 find that maybe you've acted on it. Maybe you've said 0:05:31.680 --> 0:05:36.159 something you didn't mean, maybe you've made a comment that 0:05:36.200 --> 0:05:39.000 you didn't want to say. Maybe it was with your partner, 0:05:39.520 --> 0:05:41.680 Maybe it was with your child, right, maybe your child 0:05:41.760 --> 0:05:43.960 was just annoying you and you said something that you 0:05:44.000 --> 0:05:46.880 wish you didn't say, and then after that you regret it, 0:05:47.240 --> 0:05:49.640 you feel bad about it. It's not how you wanted 0:05:49.680 --> 0:05:53.000 to act, it's not what you wanted to do. But 0:05:53.560 --> 0:05:56.960 how do we stop that from happening? How many terms 0:05:56.960 --> 0:06:00.760 have you had it where you got angry, passionate, aggressive 0:06:01.520 --> 0:06:03.920 and said something you didn't want to or did something 0:06:03.920 --> 0:06:06.640 you didn't want to because of the heat of the moment, 0:06:07.120 --> 0:06:10.159 because of the emotion you were feeling, and the emotion 0:06:10.360 --> 0:06:13.560 felt real in the moment, and it was, but you 0:06:13.600 --> 0:06:15.240 acted on it. And now you look back and think, 0:06:15.279 --> 0:06:18.120 I wish I never said that, I wish I never 0:06:18.160 --> 0:06:20.960 did that. Maybe some of you have this voice in 0:06:20.960 --> 0:06:24.159 your head before you go to bed saying, could have 0:06:24.200 --> 0:06:27.960 done that better? Right, it could have been better? Now. 0:06:28.480 --> 0:06:35.720 Neuroanatomist Jill Balty Taylor describes something she calls response ability, 0:06:36.480 --> 0:06:39.200 meaning we largely have the ability to choose how we 0:06:39.279 --> 0:06:43.120 respond to what's happening in the outside world, and she 0:06:43.320 --> 0:06:48.240 says it helped her understand something called the ninety second rule. 0:06:48.680 --> 0:06:50.599 Now I love this, and this is what this episode 0:06:50.680 --> 0:06:53.880 is about. This ninety second rule. Now, when I was 0:06:54.000 --> 0:06:58.440 driving and my brain sends danger, my body released adrenaline, 0:06:58.680 --> 0:07:01.559 which is designed to help me focus and get ready 0:07:01.560 --> 0:07:04.839 for action. That's how I was able to avoid an accident. 0:07:05.440 --> 0:07:09.440 But after I took action, I still felt agitated because 0:07:09.440 --> 0:07:13.560 my emotions were triggered along with my survival instincts, and 0:07:13.760 --> 0:07:18.400 all the chemicals associated with those emotions take about ninety 0:07:18.680 --> 0:07:23.080 seconds to dissipate as long as I didn't feed the emotion. 0:07:23.680 --> 0:07:27.120 If I stopped myself from amping it up further, then 0:07:27.160 --> 0:07:30.480 the chemicals would die down. On the other hand, if 0:07:30.520 --> 0:07:33.800 I'd started yelling and screaming, my brain would have released 0:07:34.040 --> 0:07:38.160 more anger signals and the feeling would have continued. So 0:07:38.320 --> 0:07:40.600 what changed for me is I took some deep breaths 0:07:40.880 --> 0:07:46.520 and allowed the chemicals and the feeling to pass. Right now, 0:07:46.720 --> 0:07:48.240 as I dive into this topic, I want to be 0:07:48.320 --> 0:07:52.480 really clear. This isn't about avoiding emotions. This is about 0:07:52.560 --> 0:07:57.120 subverting those knee jerk responses that don't represent the person 0:07:57.240 --> 0:07:59.760 we want to be when we say or do things 0:07:59.760 --> 0:08:04.080 we regret. This is about buying time so we can 0:08:04.120 --> 0:08:07.560 be more conscious and intentional, so that the action we 0:08:07.640 --> 0:08:11.680 do take aligns with our values and beliefs. So here's 0:08:11.680 --> 0:08:13.880 how I want you to think about it. What we're 0:08:13.880 --> 0:08:16.160 trying to do in this moment is we're trying to 0:08:16.320 --> 0:08:20.600 buy ourselves time so that we don't go and create 0:08:20.760 --> 0:08:24.240 more pain, So that we don't go and create more stress. Right, 0:08:24.320 --> 0:08:26.560 If you catch something that someone throws at you and 0:08:26.600 --> 0:08:30.640 throw it back at them, it continues the cycle. If 0:08:30.680 --> 0:08:32.240 you catch it and make it a part of you, 0:08:32.320 --> 0:08:36.040 it continues the cycle. If you dodge it, you allow 0:08:36.080 --> 0:08:38.440 it to go past you, although it does have an 0:08:38.480 --> 0:08:40.960 impact on you. So how do we do that? In 0:08:41.000 --> 0:08:46.360 a real life situation? Three deep breaths take about ten seconds, 0:08:46.960 --> 0:08:52.239 So in ninety seconds, we can take twenty seven deep breaths. 0:08:52.559 --> 0:08:55.120 This is a great number to count up to, to 0:08:55.160 --> 0:08:58.240 put it in your mind's eye. Count to twenty seven 0:08:58.760 --> 0:09:02.520 as you breathe in and breathe out. This ninety second 0:09:02.600 --> 0:09:07.400 rule allows you to understand that chemically, if you allow 0:09:07.559 --> 0:09:11.520 this to pass in ninety seconds, you have the ability 0:09:11.679 --> 0:09:15.880 now to truly choose how you respond. It's almost like 0:09:15.920 --> 0:09:20.120 for ninety seconds you're controlled you're influenced. You're going to 0:09:20.200 --> 0:09:22.880 act in a way that may not be you, that 0:09:23.000 --> 0:09:25.200 may not be aligned with who you are, or what 0:09:25.240 --> 0:09:29.480 you prioritize, or what you believe to be valuable. It's 0:09:29.800 --> 0:09:33.959 just ninety seconds, and so many of us give away 0:09:34.360 --> 0:09:41.240 amazing relationships, break or blemish partnerships, friendships, whatever it may be, 0:09:41.240 --> 0:09:43.840 because we don't want to wait. Ninety seconds. That's how 0:09:43.840 --> 0:09:46.720 I want you to think about it. Ninety seconds could 0:09:46.760 --> 0:09:52.760 be the difference between finding a solution and losing a friendship. 0:09:53.480 --> 0:09:57.520 Ninety seconds could be the difference between saying what you 0:09:57.679 --> 0:10:02.880 mean or saying something mean. Ninety seconds could be the 0:10:03.000 --> 0:10:09.520 difference between losing someone you love or showing someone how 0:10:09.559 --> 0:10:13.160 you want to love them. Ninety seconds could be the 0:10:13.280 --> 0:10:17.120 difference in what the next nine weeks or nine months 0:10:17.240 --> 0:10:22.280 may look like. Ninety seconds of sitting with the emotions 0:10:22.280 --> 0:10:26.640 in your body, allowing them to settle will actually give 0:10:26.679 --> 0:10:30.080 you an awareness of what you're actually experiencing. You may 0:10:30.120 --> 0:10:35.080 find that what was first anger is actually disappointment. You 0:10:35.160 --> 0:10:40.560 may find that what was first frustration is actually now angst. 0:10:41.120 --> 0:10:45.199 You may find that was once quite aggressive is actually 0:10:45.200 --> 0:10:49.520 a still and calm emotion, and when we're able to 0:10:49.640 --> 0:10:55.000 master those ninety seconds, we can actually cope better with surprises. Now, 0:10:55.080 --> 0:10:57.079 listen to this. If you prepared. Next time you hear 0:10:57.120 --> 0:11:01.400 a surprise, something comes along and shocks you, let it 0:11:01.559 --> 0:11:06.800 settle for ninety seconds, because chances are your initial response 0:11:06.840 --> 0:11:09.480 won't be helpful. Now, this is different in a fight 0:11:09.559 --> 0:11:13.120 or flight situation. Right in the car accident situation, I'm 0:11:13.160 --> 0:11:15.480 happy that this kicked in and that I didn't have 0:11:15.520 --> 0:11:18.760 time for ninety seconds to think through this. Similarly, in 0:11:18.880 --> 0:11:22.320 a place of physical danger, it's great to avoid this, 0:11:23.000 --> 0:11:27.160 but when it comes to more mental emotional challenges, this 0:11:27.280 --> 0:11:32.360 can save us a lot of headaches. Ninety seconds could 0:11:32.360 --> 0:11:36.319 save you from ruining the next nine weeks or nine 0:11:36.320 --> 0:11:41.640 months of your life. Ninety seconds could save you from 0:11:41.720 --> 0:11:47.480 ruining one of your best relationships. Ninety seconds could protect 0:11:47.520 --> 0:11:51.400 you from reacting in a way that isn't aligned with 0:11:51.440 --> 0:11:55.840 who you are and who you want to be. Now 0:11:57.280 --> 0:11:59.280 here is the way I want you to think about 0:11:59.280 --> 0:12:02.760 how to actually put the ninety second rule into practice. 0:12:03.559 --> 0:12:06.680 The first thing is set a timer. When you're going 0:12:06.720 --> 0:12:10.280 through something like this, set a timer and watch that 0:12:10.320 --> 0:12:12.839 count down. It's almost like doing a plank if you've 0:12:12.840 --> 0:12:16.720 ever done plank position in a workout and you know 0:12:16.800 --> 0:12:19.400 you've got sixty seconds ninety seconds to do it, and 0:12:19.440 --> 0:12:22.240 you're just waiting there, you might be in pain, you 0:12:22.360 --> 0:12:24.280 might be sucking in your core and then trying to 0:12:24.320 --> 0:12:26.520 loosen it. You might be trying to cheat a little 0:12:26.559 --> 0:12:28.920 bit on the sides, but you're sticking it out for 0:12:28.960 --> 0:12:32.920 those ninety seconds. Treat it that way. Turn on a timer, 0:12:33.600 --> 0:12:36.640 have a ninety second timer ready to go, so that 0:12:36.720 --> 0:12:42.120 you know you're allowing the chemicals to go down naturally, 0:12:42.200 --> 0:12:44.319 because chances are in those first ninety seconds you called 0:12:44.360 --> 0:12:46.520 someone up, you tell them how it's going, You now 0:12:46.520 --> 0:12:50.679 exacerbate it. Right, you start texting someone frantically, you now 0:12:50.720 --> 0:12:56.000 exacerbate it. So we're constantly extending our overwhelm. We're constantly 0:12:56.040 --> 0:13:00.640 extending our anxiety, extending our stress, advancing our pain, when 0:13:00.679 --> 0:13:03.360 actually we could deal with it in a much more 0:13:03.400 --> 0:13:09.080 healthy way. The next thing is take a moment to 0:13:09.160 --> 0:13:13.280 do what I call an internal weather report. Right, where's 0:13:13.320 --> 0:13:16.600 it feeling cloudy, where's it feeling rainy. Remember, we're not 0:13:16.679 --> 0:13:19.960 avoiding our emotions, We're feeling them. We're letting them be there. 0:13:20.440 --> 0:13:23.559 We're just not acting on them. That's the difference, right, 0:13:23.559 --> 0:13:29.320 We're just not reacting. We're allowing time to go pass 0:13:29.760 --> 0:13:35.440 so that we can respond. If you act straight after 0:13:35.840 --> 0:13:40.600 experiencing something, that is a reaction to what happened. If 0:13:40.600 --> 0:13:44.440 you allow the ninety seconds to pass, you now received 0:13:44.520 --> 0:13:49.400 it and now you're responding. I think another great tool 0:13:50.240 --> 0:13:53.200 is to check in with your body. It's asking yourself, 0:13:53.920 --> 0:13:56.240 what's going on in my body right now? What am 0:13:56.240 --> 0:13:59.400 I thinking about? Right how am I feeling? You're almost 0:13:59.480 --> 0:14:04.160 learning to observe your body and mind. This also allows 0:14:04.240 --> 0:14:07.360 us to not make it personal. Often the reason why 0:14:07.440 --> 0:14:12.520 we react so frantically, aggressively, passionately is because we take 0:14:12.640 --> 0:14:17.880 everything very personally. These ninety seconds allow for you to 0:14:17.960 --> 0:14:24.280 not make it personal and just observe yourself experiencing these emotions, 0:14:24.760 --> 0:14:29.520 and especially notice the physical and mental emotions you experience. 0:14:30.240 --> 0:14:34.880 A lot of us don't realize when we pretend like 0:14:34.920 --> 0:14:39.880 we're not experiencing anything, it actually gets stored in the body, 0:14:40.520 --> 0:14:42.040 and we don't want that to happen. We don't want 0:14:42.080 --> 0:14:46.440 stress to get stored in the body. I've already mentioned 0:14:46.480 --> 0:14:51.640 inhaling and exhaling can actively relax tense areas of the 0:14:51.680 --> 0:14:54.680 body and mind, and this is probably one of my 0:14:54.760 --> 0:14:59.760 favorite ways. Noticing and naming the emotion is a really 0:15:00.000 --> 0:15:04.840 important thing. I found that being able to label how 0:15:04.880 --> 0:15:08.240 you feel, especially things that come about more often than others, 0:15:08.960 --> 0:15:11.000 is a really healthy way. Like, for example, I know 0:15:11.120 --> 0:15:14.080 that before I go on stage, I often feel nervous, 0:15:14.480 --> 0:15:18.160 but I call that my stage nervousness. I know that 0:15:18.160 --> 0:15:22.400 that's my anxiety that I'm experiencing because I care about 0:15:22.400 --> 0:15:26.760 what's happening. So I've labeled it care anxiety anxiety for 0:15:26.800 --> 0:15:28.440 when I care. People always ask me, Jay, do you 0:15:28.440 --> 0:15:30.520 still get nervous before you go on stage? And I 0:15:30.560 --> 0:15:33.480 say yes, always because I care. I get nervous when 0:15:33.520 --> 0:15:35.840 I care. So when I get nervous, now I know 0:15:35.920 --> 0:15:38.400 it means I care, and I've labeled it that way, 0:15:39.120 --> 0:15:41.840 and that way I know that I'm safe because I 0:15:41.920 --> 0:15:45.280 care about what I'm doing. I believe in what I'm doing, 0:15:45.640 --> 0:15:48.640 and that's a beautiful thing for me to remember. It's 0:15:48.640 --> 0:15:53.160 the same feeling, but the labeling has helped me understand 0:15:53.200 --> 0:15:55.920 it differently, and I want you to think about how 0:15:55.960 --> 0:16:00.240 you can label your emotions differently as well. We don't 0:16:00.280 --> 0:16:04.320 notice how these ninety seconds require a lot of stillness. 0:16:04.960 --> 0:16:08.680 If you're driving fast, you can't spot anything on the road. 0:16:08.720 --> 0:16:11.320 You may miss a sign, you may miss the animals 0:16:11.320 --> 0:16:14.080 in the field, you may miss a billboard. When you're 0:16:14.160 --> 0:16:18.000 driving fast, you miss everything. When we're moving fast, when 0:16:18.040 --> 0:16:21.360 we stay busy, when we ignore these ninety seconds, we 0:16:21.480 --> 0:16:26.240 keep moving fast, you will miss so many signals from 0:16:26.280 --> 0:16:31.840 your body. Every day, we miss so many signals from 0:16:31.880 --> 0:16:36.480 our body. Every day, we miss so many signals from 0:16:36.480 --> 0:16:41.520 our mind because every day our body and mind is 0:16:41.600 --> 0:16:45.680 trying to protect us, trying to help us, and trying 0:16:45.720 --> 0:16:49.000 to encourage us to learn. But we miss out on 0:16:49.120 --> 0:16:55.040 all of that because we're moving fast, because we're moving 0:16:55.080 --> 0:16:58.280 at a pace where we believe we can't slow down. 0:16:59.240 --> 0:17:01.720 And for this night ninety seconds, when you choose to 0:17:01.840 --> 0:17:06.400 just slow down for ninety seconds, you stop yourself reacting 0:17:06.960 --> 0:17:10.679 from a fast car, and instead you learn to respond 0:17:11.400 --> 0:17:16.600 in slow motion. It's almost like when you're in slow 0:17:16.680 --> 0:17:21.400 motion you can actually see things for what they are. Right. 0:17:21.400 --> 0:17:24.639 If you're driving slowly, you can see what's in the distance, 0:17:25.600 --> 0:17:29.640 you can see what's in the foreground, you can make 0:17:29.680 --> 0:17:34.600 out the distance between things. Just slow down for ninety 0:17:34.800 --> 0:17:37.560 seconds before you react or respond to. Maybe get a 0:17:37.560 --> 0:17:40.199 message and it triggers you. You get an email and 0:17:40.240 --> 0:17:43.720 it makes you feel nervous and anxious. Instead of responding immediately, 0:17:43.800 --> 0:17:47.119 instead of reacting, instead of taking a screenshot and sending 0:17:47.200 --> 0:17:51.520 it to someone and reacting to it, take ninety seconds. 0:17:52.200 --> 0:17:55.959 That's all you need to do. Take ninety seconds and 0:17:56.080 --> 0:18:02.680 let it slowly dissipate organically. Now, some emotions are different 0:18:02.720 --> 0:18:06.000 than others. I saw a study on the melon line 0:18:06.000 --> 0:18:10.639 that said sadness lasts two hundred and forty times longer 0:18:10.640 --> 0:18:14.520 than other emotions. In this reset study that I read 0:18:14.560 --> 0:18:18.240 on the melonline, researchers surveyed two hundred and thirty three 0:18:18.359 --> 0:18:21.320 young adults from a Belgian high school with an average 0:18:21.320 --> 0:18:26.000 age of seventeen and found emotions very widely in duration. 0:18:26.880 --> 0:18:30.600 They said, of the twenty seven emotions studied, sadness lasted 0:18:30.640 --> 0:18:39.080 the longest, where a shame, surprise, fear, discust, boredom, feeling touched, irritation, 0:18:39.480 --> 0:18:45.160 and relief were the shortest duration emotions. Emotions that lasted 0:18:45.200 --> 0:18:49.080 longer were associated with more important event triggers, as well 0:18:49.119 --> 0:18:52.639 as more reflection about the feelings and the consequences of 0:18:52.680 --> 0:18:56.480 the event that prompted the emotion. Now why am I 0:18:56.520 --> 0:19:00.800 sharing this? I'm sharing this because I realized this a 0:19:00.840 --> 0:19:05.800 while ago. When something bad happens, we cry for a month. 0:19:06.720 --> 0:19:11.960 When something good happens, we celebrate for a night. Remember 0:19:12.040 --> 0:19:15.639 to share your wins as much as you share your losses. 0:19:16.280 --> 0:19:19.119 If something goes bad, you're likely to tell ten people. 0:19:19.600 --> 0:19:23.399 If something goes well, you might tell one. There's a 0:19:23.520 --> 0:19:28.320 reason why we submerge ourself in sadness more than we 0:19:28.359 --> 0:19:33.800 immerse ourselves in greatness. It's because we've practiced over and 0:19:34.000 --> 0:19:39.200 over and over again to dive deep into our pain 0:19:40.240 --> 0:19:45.760 and swim shallow in our pleasure. Right, we actually swim 0:19:45.840 --> 0:19:49.480 shallow when it comes to amazing experiences. Maybe you'll post 0:19:49.520 --> 0:19:53.280 on social media, maybe you'll share one line you have 0:19:53.320 --> 0:19:56.240 a very shallow experience with the good things in your life, 0:19:56.480 --> 0:19:59.520 and a very deep experience with the bad things in 0:19:59.560 --> 0:20:05.600 your life. Try to take a moment to acknowledge today 0:20:06.240 --> 0:20:08.359 the good that you've done. I'm sure it was so 0:20:08.640 --> 0:20:11.680 easy at the end of the day to judge yourself, 0:20:12.240 --> 0:20:15.439 to shame yourself, and to guilt yourself. At the end 0:20:15.480 --> 0:20:18.320 of the day. I'm sure it was so easy to 0:20:18.400 --> 0:20:20.560 make yourself feel bad. I wish I did that better. 0:20:20.840 --> 0:20:23.240 I could have done that better. I made a mistake 0:20:23.280 --> 0:20:25.520 on that I should have been smarter, I should have 0:20:25.560 --> 0:20:27.479 been faster, I should have been quicker. Why didn't I 0:20:27.560 --> 0:20:30.919 know that? Right? This is how we talk to ourselves. 0:20:31.720 --> 0:20:36.960 We're so good at making ourselves feel bad, but making 0:20:37.000 --> 0:20:42.119 yourself feel bad will never lead to you doing good. Right, 0:20:42.160 --> 0:20:45.320 let me tell you that again. We're so good at 0:20:45.359 --> 0:20:50.320 making ourselves feel bad, but making ourselves feel bad will 0:20:50.359 --> 0:20:57.080 never create good in our lives. We repeat what we reward. 0:20:58.600 --> 0:21:03.320 We repeat what we reward. If we reward ourselves for 0:21:03.440 --> 0:21:06.360 good action at the end of the day, we'll repeat it. 0:21:07.040 --> 0:21:09.679 If you recognize that today you made it to forty 0:21:09.760 --> 0:21:14.320 five seconds before responding, you'll repeat that you're moving in 0:21:14.359 --> 0:21:18.680 the right direction. But if you make it all about 0:21:18.720 --> 0:21:22.040 the mistakes you made today and how you're so far behind, 0:21:22.200 --> 0:21:26.240 guess what, you'll repeat that. Because we become familiar with 0:21:26.400 --> 0:21:32.280 that emotion, we become familiar with that action. So what 0:21:32.320 --> 0:21:33.720 I want you to do when you're having a tough 0:21:33.720 --> 0:21:36.359 conversation tell your partner, hey, let's just take a ninety 0:21:36.400 --> 0:21:40.040 second break. If you receive an email from your boss 0:21:40.640 --> 0:21:43.560 and you're struggling out to respond, take a ninety second break. 0:21:44.800 --> 0:21:47.240 If you woke up in the morning and you're feeling 0:21:47.280 --> 0:21:51.960 a certain way, give yourself a ninety second break. A 0:21:52.080 --> 0:21:56.600 ninety second break could be the difference between you breaking 0:21:57.359 --> 0:22:01.280 and responding. With these It's literally all it will take, 0:22:01.840 --> 0:22:05.119 and I really really hope that you'll try out the 0:22:05.240 --> 0:22:09.560 ninety second rule. I want you to reflect on how 0:22:09.600 --> 0:22:14.600 you normally respond to a stimulus that stirs up challenging emotions. 0:22:15.040 --> 0:22:18.600 Do you usually just rush into a reaction? Do you 0:22:18.640 --> 0:22:22.359 allow those emotions to build? What could you do to 0:22:22.400 --> 0:22:29.439 create more space so you can respond with intention. I 0:22:29.440 --> 0:22:32.280 think this will make a huge difference in your life, 0:22:32.880 --> 0:22:36.720 will make a huge impact on what's possible, and it 0:22:36.720 --> 0:22:40.480 will save you from so much stress and pain. Remember 0:22:40.520 --> 0:22:43.119 I'm forever in your corner and always rooting for you. 0:22:44.480 --> 0:22:47.000 If you love this episode, you're going to love my 0:22:47.119 --> 0:22:50.560 conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your 0:22:50.560 --> 0:22:53.600 ex and find true love in your relationships. 0:22:53.760 --> 0:22:58.000 People should be compassionate to themselves that extend that compassion 0:22:58.160 --> 0:23:02.199 to your future self, because truly extending your compassion to 0:23:02.240 --> 0:23:05.240 your future self is doing something that gives him or 0:23:05.280 --> 0:23:07.600 her a shot at a happy and a peaceful life.