Speaker 1: Let's be honest. Life is stressful, its work, its relationships,
Speaker 1: and the state of the world. But there's a way
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Speaker 1: Calm your Mind, Change your life. Ninety seconds could be
Speaker 1: the difference between saying what you mean or saying something mean.
Speaker 1: Ninety seconds could be the difference between losing someone you
Speaker 1: love or showing someone how you want to love them.
Speaker 1: Ninety seconds could be the difference in what the next
Speaker 1: nine weeks or nine months may look like. Ninety seconds
Speaker 1: of sitting with the emotions in your body allowing them
Speaker 1: to settle will actually give you an awareness of what
Speaker 1: you're actually experiencing. The number one health and Wellness podcast,
Speaker 1: Jay Setty, Jay Settyjon. Hey everyone, welcome back to Honor Purpose,
Speaker 1: the place you come to become happier, healthier and more healed.
Speaker 1: My name's Jay Shetty, and I'm so thankful to be
Speaker 1: back with you now. I recorded this theme for an
Speaker 1: episode of My Daily Jay on Calm. If you're not
Speaker 1: using calm to find balance, to find meaning, to meditate
Speaker 1: and practice mindfulness daily, definitely check it out and it
Speaker 1: inspired a longer episode over here. So there's a quote
Speaker 1: that I absolutely love from Victor Frankel, the groundbreaking psychologist
Speaker 1: and Holocaust survivor, and the quote goes like this, between
Speaker 1: stimulus and response, there is a space in that space.
Speaker 1: Is our power to choose our response. In our response
Speaker 1: lies our growth and our freedom. Let me say that again,
Speaker 1: between stimulus and response, there is a space in that space.
Speaker 1: Is our power to choose our response. In our response
Speaker 1: lies our growth and our freedom. We've heard this principle
Speaker 1: probably a few times before, the idea that it's not
Speaker 1: about what happens to you, it's about how you respond.
Speaker 1: It's not about what's going on around you, it's what
Speaker 1: you're able to do with it. It's not about what
Speaker 1: the world throws at you, but what you decide to
Speaker 1: do with it. And if you think about it, if
Speaker 1: someone throws something at you, you have a choice. You
Speaker 1: can catch it and almost make it a part of yourself.
Speaker 1: You can dodge it and allow it to flow past you,
Speaker 1: or you can catch it and throw it back to
Speaker 1: try and create pain on the other person's behalf as well.
Speaker 1: We always have a choice. But what happens is that
Speaker 1: as time goes on, as we get busier, as we
Speaker 1: reflect less, as we focus less on why these things happen,
Speaker 1: what's happening around us, and as we just feel more overwhelmed,
Speaker 1: we lose the ability to choose our response. And when
Speaker 1: we lose the ability to choose our response, we potentially
Speaker 1: lose our ability to According to Victor Frankel, have growth
Speaker 1: and freedom, two things that I think are extremely important now.
Speaker 1: In the Daily Jay episode, I talked about an experience
Speaker 1: I had where I was driving home. It was a
Speaker 1: beautiful day, the sun was out, and I was playing
Speaker 1: some awesome music, and then all of a sudden, a
Speaker 1: car came out in front of me, truly just cut
Speaker 1: me off by surprise, Like I was really scared that
Speaker 1: we were about to have an accident. I breaked really
Speaker 1: really hard. I could feel some anger because it was
Speaker 1: so like I can't tell you how close it was,
Speaker 1: and I really really felt like it was, you know,
Speaker 1: seconds apart, tiniest space from leading to a big accident
Speaker 1: which not only would have affected me, but would have
Speaker 1: affected them as well. And I'm sure you've had this experience, right,
Speaker 1: I'm sure you've had this experience where someone cuts you off.
Speaker 1: Something happens, maybe in traffic, you get really really angry,
Speaker 1: and you're feeling this tension. You're feeling this stress, and
Speaker 1: you might even want to, you know, like get out
Speaker 1: and talk to the driver. Some of you may get
Speaker 1: really angry. And maybe you've felt this before and maybe
Speaker 1: you've acted on it. Now I didn't act on it
Speaker 1: that day, but maybe you've acted on it. And I
Speaker 1: find that maybe you've acted on it. Maybe you've said
Speaker 1: something you didn't mean, maybe you've made a comment that
Speaker 1: you didn't want to say. Maybe it was with your partner,
Speaker 1: Maybe it was with your child, right, maybe your child
Speaker 1: was just annoying you and you said something that you
Speaker 1: wish you didn't say, and then after that you regret it,
Speaker 1: you feel bad about it. It's not how you wanted
Speaker 1: to act, it's not what you wanted to do. But
Speaker 1: how do we stop that from happening? How many terms
Speaker 1: have you had it where you got angry, passionate, aggressive
Speaker 1: and said something you didn't want to or did something
Speaker 1: you didn't want to because of the heat of the moment,
Speaker 1: because of the emotion you were feeling, and the emotion
Speaker 1: felt real in the moment, and it was, but you
Speaker 1: acted on it. And now you look back and think,
Speaker 1: I wish I never said that, I wish I never
Speaker 1: did that. Maybe some of you have this voice in
Speaker 1: your head before you go to bed saying, could have
Speaker 1: done that better? Right, it could have been better? Now.
Speaker 1: Neuroanatomist Jill Balty Taylor describes something she calls response ability,
Speaker 1: meaning we largely have the ability to choose how we
Speaker 1: respond to what's happening in the outside world, and she
Speaker 1: says it helped her understand something called the ninety second rule.
Speaker 1: Now I love this, and this is what this episode
Speaker 1: is about. This ninety second rule. Now, when I was
Speaker 1: driving and my brain sends danger, my body released adrenaline,
Speaker 1: which is designed to help me focus and get ready
Speaker 1: for action. That's how I was able to avoid an accident.
Speaker 1: But after I took action, I still felt agitated because
Speaker 1: my emotions were triggered along with my survival instincts, and
Speaker 1: all the chemicals associated with those emotions take about ninety
Speaker 1: seconds to dissipate as long as I didn't feed the emotion.
Speaker 1: If I stopped myself from amping it up further, then
Speaker 1: the chemicals would die down. On the other hand, if
Speaker 1: I'd started yelling and screaming, my brain would have released
Speaker 1: more anger signals and the feeling would have continued. So
Speaker 1: what changed for me is I took some deep breaths
Speaker 1: and allowed the chemicals and the feeling to pass. Right now,
Speaker 1: as I dive into this topic, I want to be
Speaker 1: really clear. This isn't about avoiding emotions. This is about
Speaker 1: subverting those knee jerk responses that don't represent the person
Speaker 1: we want to be when we say or do things
Speaker 1: we regret. This is about buying time so we can
Speaker 1: be more conscious and intentional, so that the action we
Speaker 1: do take aligns with our values and beliefs. So here's
Speaker 1: how I want you to think about it. What we're
Speaker 1: trying to do in this moment is we're trying to
Speaker 1: buy ourselves time so that we don't go and create
Speaker 1: more pain, So that we don't go and create more stress. Right,
Speaker 1: If you catch something that someone throws at you and
Speaker 1: throw it back at them, it continues the cycle. If
Speaker 1: you catch it and make it a part of you,
Speaker 1: it continues the cycle. If you dodge it, you allow
Speaker 1: it to go past you, although it does have an
Speaker 1: impact on you. So how do we do that? In
Speaker 1: a real life situation? Three deep breaths take about ten seconds,
Speaker 1: So in ninety seconds, we can take twenty seven deep breaths.
Speaker 1: This is a great number to count up to, to
Speaker 1: put it in your mind's eye. Count to twenty seven
Speaker 1: as you breathe in and breathe out. This ninety second
Speaker 1: rule allows you to understand that chemically, if you allow
Speaker 1: this to pass in ninety seconds, you have the ability
Speaker 1: now to truly choose how you respond. It's almost like
Speaker 1: for ninety seconds you're controlled you're influenced. You're going to
Speaker 1: act in a way that may not be you, that
Speaker 1: may not be aligned with who you are, or what
Speaker 1: you prioritize, or what you believe to be valuable. It's
Speaker 1: just ninety seconds, and so many of us give away
Speaker 1: amazing relationships, break or blemish partnerships, friendships, whatever it may be,
Speaker 1: because we don't want to wait. Ninety seconds. That's how
Speaker 1: I want you to think about it. Ninety seconds could
Speaker 1: be the difference between finding a solution and losing a friendship.
Speaker 1: Ninety seconds could be the difference between saying what you
Speaker 1: mean or saying something mean. Ninety seconds could be the
Speaker 1: difference between losing someone you love or showing someone how
Speaker 1: you want to love them. Ninety seconds could be the
Speaker 1: difference in what the next nine weeks or nine months
Speaker 1: may look like. Ninety seconds of sitting with the emotions
Speaker 1: in your body, allowing them to settle will actually give
Speaker 1: you an awareness of what you're actually experiencing. You may
Speaker 1: find that what was first anger is actually disappointment. You
Speaker 1: may find that what was first frustration is actually now angst.
Speaker 1: You may find that was once quite aggressive is actually
Speaker 1: a still and calm emotion, and when we're able to
Speaker 1: master those ninety seconds, we can actually cope better with surprises. Now,
Speaker 1: listen to this. If you prepared. Next time you hear
Speaker 1: a surprise, something comes along and shocks you, let it
Speaker 1: settle for ninety seconds, because chances are your initial response
Speaker 1: won't be helpful. Now, this is different in a fight
Speaker 1: or flight situation. Right in the car accident situation, I'm
Speaker 1: happy that this kicked in and that I didn't have
Speaker 1: time for ninety seconds to think through this. Similarly, in
Speaker 1: a place of physical danger, it's great to avoid this,
Speaker 1: but when it comes to more mental emotional challenges, this
Speaker 1: can save us a lot of headaches. Ninety seconds could
Speaker 1: save you from ruining the next nine weeks or nine
Speaker 1: months of your life. Ninety seconds could save you from
Speaker 1: ruining one of your best relationships. Ninety seconds could protect
Speaker 1: you from reacting in a way that isn't aligned with
Speaker 1: who you are and who you want to be. Now
Speaker 1: here is the way I want you to think about
Speaker 1: how to actually put the ninety second rule into practice.
Speaker 1: The first thing is set a timer. When you're going
Speaker 1: through something like this, set a timer and watch that
Speaker 1: count down. It's almost like doing a plank if you've
Speaker 1: ever done plank position in a workout and you know
Speaker 1: you've got sixty seconds ninety seconds to do it, and
Speaker 1: you're just waiting there, you might be in pain, you
Speaker 1: might be sucking in your core and then trying to
Speaker 1: loosen it. You might be trying to cheat a little
Speaker 1: bit on the sides, but you're sticking it out for
Speaker 1: those ninety seconds. Treat it that way. Turn on a timer,
Speaker 1: have a ninety second timer ready to go, so that
Speaker 1: you know you're allowing the chemicals to go down naturally,
Speaker 1: because chances are in those first ninety seconds you called
Speaker 1: someone up, you tell them how it's going, You now
Speaker 1: exacerbate it. Right, you start texting someone frantically, you now
Speaker 1: exacerbate it. So we're constantly extending our overwhelm. We're constantly
Speaker 1: extending our anxiety, extending our stress, advancing our pain, when
Speaker 1: actually we could deal with it in a much more
Speaker 1: healthy way. The next thing is take a moment to
Speaker 1: do what I call an internal weather report. Right, where's
Speaker 1: it feeling cloudy, where's it feeling rainy. Remember, we're not
Speaker 1: avoiding our emotions, We're feeling them. We're letting them be there.
Speaker 1: We're just not acting on them. That's the difference, right,
Speaker 1: We're just not reacting. We're allowing time to go pass
Speaker 1: so that we can respond. If you act straight after
Speaker 1: experiencing something, that is a reaction to what happened. If
Speaker 1: you allow the ninety seconds to pass, you now received
Speaker 1: it and now you're responding. I think another great tool
Speaker 1: is to check in with your body. It's asking yourself,
Speaker 1: what's going on in my body right now? What am
Speaker 1: I thinking about? Right how am I feeling? You're almost
Speaker 1: learning to observe your body and mind. This also allows
Speaker 1: us to not make it personal. Often the reason why
Speaker 1: we react so frantically, aggressively, passionately is because we take
Speaker 1: everything very personally. These ninety seconds allow for you to
Speaker 1: not make it personal and just observe yourself experiencing these emotions,
Speaker 1: and especially notice the physical and mental emotions you experience.
Speaker 1: A lot of us don't realize when we pretend like
Speaker 1: we're not experiencing anything, it actually gets stored in the body,
Speaker 1: and we don't want that to happen. We don't want
Speaker 1: stress to get stored in the body. I've already mentioned
Speaker 1: inhaling and exhaling can actively relax tense areas of the
Speaker 1: body and mind, and this is probably one of my
Speaker 1: favorite ways. Noticing and naming the emotion is a really
Speaker 1: important thing. I found that being able to label how
Speaker 1: you feel, especially things that come about more often than others,
Speaker 1: is a really healthy way. Like, for example, I know
Speaker 1: that before I go on stage, I often feel nervous,
Speaker 1: but I call that my stage nervousness. I know that
Speaker 1: that's my anxiety that I'm experiencing because I care about
Speaker 1: what's happening. So I've labeled it care anxiety anxiety for
Speaker 1: when I care. People always ask me, Jay, do you
Speaker 1: still get nervous before you go on stage? And I
Speaker 1: say yes, always because I care. I get nervous when
Speaker 1: I care. So when I get nervous, now I know
Speaker 1: it means I care, and I've labeled it that way,
Speaker 1: and that way I know that I'm safe because I
Speaker 1: care about what I'm doing. I believe in what I'm doing,
Speaker 1: and that's a beautiful thing for me to remember. It's
Speaker 1: the same feeling, but the labeling has helped me understand
Speaker 1: it differently, and I want you to think about how
Speaker 1: you can label your emotions differently as well. We don't
Speaker 1: notice how these ninety seconds require a lot of stillness.
Speaker 1: If you're driving fast, you can't spot anything on the road.
Speaker 1: You may miss a sign, you may miss the animals
Speaker 1: in the field, you may miss a billboard. When you're
Speaker 1: driving fast, you miss everything. When we're moving fast, when
Speaker 1: we stay busy, when we ignore these ninety seconds, we
Speaker 1: keep moving fast, you will miss so many signals from
Speaker 1: your body. Every day, we miss so many signals from
Speaker 1: our body. Every day, we miss so many signals from
Speaker 1: our mind because every day our body and mind is
Speaker 1: trying to protect us, trying to help us, and trying
Speaker 1: to encourage us to learn. But we miss out on
Speaker 1: all of that because we're moving fast, because we're moving
Speaker 1: at a pace where we believe we can't slow down.
Speaker 1: And for this night ninety seconds, when you choose to
Speaker 1: just slow down for ninety seconds, you stop yourself reacting
Speaker 1: from a fast car, and instead you learn to respond
Speaker 1: in slow motion. It's almost like when you're in slow
Speaker 1: motion you can actually see things for what they are. Right.
Speaker 1: If you're driving slowly, you can see what's in the distance,
Speaker 1: you can see what's in the foreground, you can make
Speaker 1: out the distance between things. Just slow down for ninety
Speaker 1: seconds before you react or respond to. Maybe get a
Speaker 1: message and it triggers you. You get an email and
Speaker 1: it makes you feel nervous and anxious. Instead of responding immediately,
Speaker 1: instead of reacting, instead of taking a screenshot and sending
Speaker 1: it to someone and reacting to it, take ninety seconds.
Speaker 1: That's all you need to do. Take ninety seconds and
Speaker 1: let it slowly dissipate organically. Now, some emotions are different
Speaker 1: than others. I saw a study on the melon line
Speaker 1: that said sadness lasts two hundred and forty times longer
Speaker 1: than other emotions. In this reset study that I read
Speaker 1: on the melonline, researchers surveyed two hundred and thirty three
Speaker 1: young adults from a Belgian high school with an average
Speaker 1: age of seventeen and found emotions very widely in duration.
Speaker 1: They said, of the twenty seven emotions studied, sadness lasted
Speaker 1: the longest, where a shame, surprise, fear, discust, boredom, feeling touched, irritation,
Speaker 1: and relief were the shortest duration emotions. Emotions that lasted
Speaker 1: longer were associated with more important event triggers, as well
Speaker 1: as more reflection about the feelings and the consequences of
Speaker 1: the event that prompted the emotion. Now why am I
Speaker 1: sharing this? I'm sharing this because I realized this a
Speaker 1: while ago. When something bad happens, we cry for a month.
Speaker 1: When something good happens, we celebrate for a night. Remember
Speaker 1: to share your wins as much as you share your losses.
Speaker 1: If something goes bad, you're likely to tell ten people.
Speaker 1: If something goes well, you might tell one. There's a
Speaker 1: reason why we submerge ourself in sadness more than we
Speaker 1: immerse ourselves in greatness. It's because we've practiced over and
Speaker 1: over and over again to dive deep into our pain
Speaker 1: and swim shallow in our pleasure. Right, we actually swim
Speaker 1: shallow when it comes to amazing experiences. Maybe you'll post
Speaker 1: on social media, maybe you'll share one line you have
Speaker 1: a very shallow experience with the good things in your life,
Speaker 1: and a very deep experience with the bad things in
Speaker 1: your life. Try to take a moment to acknowledge today
Speaker 1: the good that you've done. I'm sure it was so
Speaker 1: easy at the end of the day to judge yourself,
Speaker 1: to shame yourself, and to guilt yourself. At the end
Speaker 1: of the day. I'm sure it was so easy to
Speaker 1: make yourself feel bad. I wish I did that better.
Speaker 1: I could have done that better. I made a mistake
Speaker 1: on that I should have been smarter, I should have
Speaker 1: been faster, I should have been quicker. Why didn't I
Speaker 1: know that? Right? This is how we talk to ourselves.
Speaker 1: We're so good at making ourselves feel bad, but making
Speaker 1: yourself feel bad will never lead to you doing good. Right,
Speaker 1: let me tell you that again. We're so good at
Speaker 1: making ourselves feel bad, but making ourselves feel bad will
Speaker 1: never create good in our lives. We repeat what we reward.
Speaker 1: We repeat what we reward. If we reward ourselves for
Speaker 1: good action at the end of the day, we'll repeat it.
Speaker 1: If you recognize that today you made it to forty
Speaker 1: five seconds before responding, you'll repeat that you're moving in
Speaker 1: the right direction. But if you make it all about
Speaker 1: the mistakes you made today and how you're so far behind,
Speaker 1: guess what, you'll repeat that. Because we become familiar with
Speaker 1: that emotion, we become familiar with that action. So what
Speaker 1: I want you to do when you're having a tough
Speaker 1: conversation tell your partner, hey, let's just take a ninety
Speaker 1: second break. If you receive an email from your boss
Speaker 1: and you're struggling out to respond, take a ninety second break.
Speaker 1: If you woke up in the morning and you're feeling
Speaker 1: a certain way, give yourself a ninety second break. A
Speaker 1: ninety second break could be the difference between you breaking
Speaker 1: and responding. With these It's literally all it will take,
Speaker 1: and I really really hope that you'll try out the
Speaker 1: ninety second rule. I want you to reflect on how
Speaker 1: you normally respond to a stimulus that stirs up challenging emotions.
Speaker 1: Do you usually just rush into a reaction? Do you
Speaker 1: allow those emotions to build? What could you do to
Speaker 1: create more space so you can respond with intention. I
Speaker 1: think this will make a huge difference in your life,
Speaker 1: will make a huge impact on what's possible, and it
Speaker 1: will save you from so much stress and pain. Remember
Speaker 1: I'm forever in your corner and always rooting for you.
Speaker 1: If you love this episode, you're going to love my
Speaker 1: conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your
Speaker 1: ex and find true love in your relationships.
Speaker 2: People should be compassionate to themselves that extend that compassion
Speaker 2: to your future self, because truly extending your compassion to
Speaker 2: your future self is doing something that gives him or
Speaker 2: her a shot at a happy and a peaceful life.