1 00:00:01,920 --> 00:00:06,840 Speaker 1: Let's be honest. Life is stressful, its work, its relationships, 2 00:00:06,880 --> 00:00:09,239 Speaker 1: and the state of the world. But there's a way 3 00:00:09,280 --> 00:00:12,799 Speaker 1: to bring that stress level down. Calm. It's the number 4 00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:15,320 Speaker 1: one app for mental wellness with tons of content to 5 00:00:15,400 --> 00:00:20,760 Speaker 1: manage anxiety, promote concentration, and help you unwind. There's music, meditation, 6 00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:23,840 Speaker 1: a more Calm makes it easy to de stress. You 7 00:00:23,880 --> 00:00:27,720 Speaker 1: can literally do a one minute breathing exercise. Personally, I 8 00:00:27,800 --> 00:00:31,560 Speaker 1: love the soundscapes. Nothing like a little rain on leaves 9 00:00:31,600 --> 00:00:34,880 Speaker 1: to help soothe my nervous system. I've actually been working 10 00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:36,920 Speaker 1: with Calm for a couple of years now, and I'd 11 00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:39,400 Speaker 1: love for you to check out my series on reducing 12 00:00:39,479 --> 00:00:44,600 Speaker 1: overwhelm eight short practices Quick Relief. Right now, listeners of 13 00:00:44,640 --> 00:00:48,000 Speaker 1: On Purpose get forty percent off a subscription to Calm 14 00:00:48,120 --> 00:00:52,199 Speaker 1: Premium at Calm dot com. Forward slash j that's c 15 00:00:53,040 --> 00:00:57,800 Speaker 1: LM dot com Forward slash jay for forty percent off. 16 00:00:57,960 --> 00:01:02,560 Speaker 1: Calm your Mind, Change your life. Ninety seconds could be 17 00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:07,800 Speaker 1: the difference between saying what you mean or saying something mean. 18 00:01:09,000 --> 00:01:13,679 Speaker 1: Ninety seconds could be the difference between losing someone you 19 00:01:13,800 --> 00:01:18,760 Speaker 1: love or showing someone how you want to love them. 20 00:01:19,400 --> 00:01:22,880 Speaker 1: Ninety seconds could be the difference in what the next 21 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:27,679 Speaker 1: nine weeks or nine months may look like. Ninety seconds 22 00:01:28,360 --> 00:01:32,400 Speaker 1: of sitting with the emotions in your body allowing them 23 00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:35,360 Speaker 1: to settle will actually give you an awareness of what 24 00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:39,600 Speaker 1: you're actually experiencing. The number one health and Wellness podcast, 25 00:01:39,920 --> 00:01:48,440 Speaker 1: Jay Setty, Jay Settyjon. Hey everyone, welcome back to Honor Purpose, 26 00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:52,720 Speaker 1: the place you come to become happier, healthier and more healed. 27 00:01:53,040 --> 00:01:55,960 Speaker 1: My name's Jay Shetty, and I'm so thankful to be 28 00:01:56,040 --> 00:02:01,160 Speaker 1: back with you now. I recorded this theme for an 29 00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:04,400 Speaker 1: episode of My Daily Jay on Calm. If you're not 30 00:02:04,560 --> 00:02:09,320 Speaker 1: using calm to find balance, to find meaning, to meditate 31 00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:13,480 Speaker 1: and practice mindfulness daily, definitely check it out and it 32 00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:17,960 Speaker 1: inspired a longer episode over here. So there's a quote 33 00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:23,880 Speaker 1: that I absolutely love from Victor Frankel, the groundbreaking psychologist 34 00:02:24,040 --> 00:02:28,200 Speaker 1: and Holocaust survivor, and the quote goes like this, between 35 00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:33,680 Speaker 1: stimulus and response, there is a space in that space. 36 00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:39,400 Speaker 1: Is our power to choose our response. In our response 37 00:02:39,840 --> 00:02:44,320 Speaker 1: lies our growth and our freedom. Let me say that again, 38 00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:51,280 Speaker 1: between stimulus and response, there is a space in that space. 39 00:02:51,680 --> 00:02:56,280 Speaker 1: Is our power to choose our response. In our response 40 00:02:56,680 --> 00:03:01,280 Speaker 1: lies our growth and our freedom. We've heard this principle 41 00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:06,120 Speaker 1: probably a few times before, the idea that it's not 42 00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:09,600 Speaker 1: about what happens to you, it's about how you respond. 43 00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:13,360 Speaker 1: It's not about what's going on around you, it's what 44 00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:17,040 Speaker 1: you're able to do with it. It's not about what 45 00:03:17,120 --> 00:03:20,840 Speaker 1: the world throws at you, but what you decide to 46 00:03:20,919 --> 00:03:23,880 Speaker 1: do with it. And if you think about it, if 47 00:03:23,880 --> 00:03:27,320 Speaker 1: someone throws something at you, you have a choice. You 48 00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:30,480 Speaker 1: can catch it and almost make it a part of yourself. 49 00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:35,120 Speaker 1: You can dodge it and allow it to flow past you, 50 00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:38,600 Speaker 1: or you can catch it and throw it back to 51 00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:41,880 Speaker 1: try and create pain on the other person's behalf as well. 52 00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:46,960 Speaker 1: We always have a choice. But what happens is that 53 00:03:47,080 --> 00:03:50,840 Speaker 1: as time goes on, as we get busier, as we 54 00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:55,760 Speaker 1: reflect less, as we focus less on why these things happen, 55 00:03:55,880 --> 00:03:59,480 Speaker 1: what's happening around us, and as we just feel more overwhelmed, 56 00:04:00,080 --> 00:04:05,240 Speaker 1: we lose the ability to choose our response. And when 57 00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:09,720 Speaker 1: we lose the ability to choose our response, we potentially 58 00:04:09,760 --> 00:04:14,040 Speaker 1: lose our ability to According to Victor Frankel, have growth 59 00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:19,800 Speaker 1: and freedom, two things that I think are extremely important now. 60 00:04:19,920 --> 00:04:23,560 Speaker 1: In the Daily Jay episode, I talked about an experience 61 00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:25,279 Speaker 1: I had where I was driving home. It was a 62 00:04:25,279 --> 00:04:28,960 Speaker 1: beautiful day, the sun was out, and I was playing 63 00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:32,640 Speaker 1: some awesome music, and then all of a sudden, a 64 00:04:32,720 --> 00:04:35,400 Speaker 1: car came out in front of me, truly just cut 65 00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:38,240 Speaker 1: me off by surprise, Like I was really scared that 66 00:04:38,279 --> 00:04:41,000 Speaker 1: we were about to have an accident. I breaked really 67 00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:45,160 Speaker 1: really hard. I could feel some anger because it was 68 00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:47,280 Speaker 1: so like I can't tell you how close it was, 69 00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:51,080 Speaker 1: and I really really felt like it was, you know, 70 00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:55,160 Speaker 1: seconds apart, tiniest space from leading to a big accident 71 00:04:55,160 --> 00:04:57,279 Speaker 1: which not only would have affected me, but would have 72 00:04:57,320 --> 00:05:00,720 Speaker 1: affected them as well. And I'm sure you've had this experience, right, 73 00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:06,279 Speaker 1: I'm sure you've had this experience where someone cuts you off. 74 00:05:06,279 --> 00:05:09,400 Speaker 1: Something happens, maybe in traffic, you get really really angry, 75 00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:14,080 Speaker 1: and you're feeling this tension. You're feeling this stress, and 76 00:05:14,600 --> 00:05:17,400 Speaker 1: you might even want to, you know, like get out 77 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:19,240 Speaker 1: and talk to the driver. Some of you may get 78 00:05:19,279 --> 00:05:25,360 Speaker 1: really angry. And maybe you've felt this before and maybe 79 00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:27,080 Speaker 1: you've acted on it. Now I didn't act on it 80 00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:29,479 Speaker 1: that day, but maybe you've acted on it. And I 81 00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:31,640 Speaker 1: find that maybe you've acted on it. Maybe you've said 82 00:05:31,680 --> 00:05:36,159 Speaker 1: something you didn't mean, maybe you've made a comment that 83 00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:39,000 Speaker 1: you didn't want to say. Maybe it was with your partner, 84 00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:41,680 Speaker 1: Maybe it was with your child, right, maybe your child 85 00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:43,960 Speaker 1: was just annoying you and you said something that you 86 00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:46,880 Speaker 1: wish you didn't say, and then after that you regret it, 87 00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:49,640 Speaker 1: you feel bad about it. It's not how you wanted 88 00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:53,000 Speaker 1: to act, it's not what you wanted to do. But 89 00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:56,960 Speaker 1: how do we stop that from happening? How many terms 90 00:05:56,960 --> 00:06:00,760 Speaker 1: have you had it where you got angry, passionate, aggressive 91 00:06:01,520 --> 00:06:03,920 Speaker 1: and said something you didn't want to or did something 92 00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:06,640 Speaker 1: you didn't want to because of the heat of the moment, 93 00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:10,159 Speaker 1: because of the emotion you were feeling, and the emotion 94 00:06:10,360 --> 00:06:13,560 Speaker 1: felt real in the moment, and it was, but you 95 00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:15,240 Speaker 1: acted on it. And now you look back and think, 96 00:06:15,279 --> 00:06:18,120 Speaker 1: I wish I never said that, I wish I never 97 00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:20,960 Speaker 1: did that. Maybe some of you have this voice in 98 00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:24,159 Speaker 1: your head before you go to bed saying, could have 99 00:06:24,200 --> 00:06:27,960 Speaker 1: done that better? Right, it could have been better? Now. 100 00:06:28,480 --> 00:06:35,720 Speaker 1: Neuroanatomist Jill Balty Taylor describes something she calls response ability, 101 00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:39,200 Speaker 1: meaning we largely have the ability to choose how we 102 00:06:39,279 --> 00:06:43,120 Speaker 1: respond to what's happening in the outside world, and she 103 00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:48,240 Speaker 1: says it helped her understand something called the ninety second rule. 104 00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:50,599 Speaker 1: Now I love this, and this is what this episode 105 00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:53,880 Speaker 1: is about. This ninety second rule. Now, when I was 106 00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:58,440 Speaker 1: driving and my brain sends danger, my body released adrenaline, 107 00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:01,559 Speaker 1: which is designed to help me focus and get ready 108 00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:04,839 Speaker 1: for action. That's how I was able to avoid an accident. 109 00:07:05,440 --> 00:07:09,440 Speaker 1: But after I took action, I still felt agitated because 110 00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:13,560 Speaker 1: my emotions were triggered along with my survival instincts, and 111 00:07:13,760 --> 00:07:18,400 Speaker 1: all the chemicals associated with those emotions take about ninety 112 00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:23,080 Speaker 1: seconds to dissipate as long as I didn't feed the emotion. 113 00:07:23,680 --> 00:07:27,120 Speaker 1: If I stopped myself from amping it up further, then 114 00:07:27,160 --> 00:07:30,480 Speaker 1: the chemicals would die down. On the other hand, if 115 00:07:30,520 --> 00:07:33,800 Speaker 1: I'd started yelling and screaming, my brain would have released 116 00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:38,160 Speaker 1: more anger signals and the feeling would have continued. So 117 00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:40,600 Speaker 1: what changed for me is I took some deep breaths 118 00:07:40,880 --> 00:07:46,520 Speaker 1: and allowed the chemicals and the feeling to pass. Right now, 119 00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:48,240 Speaker 1: as I dive into this topic, I want to be 120 00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:52,480 Speaker 1: really clear. This isn't about avoiding emotions. This is about 121 00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:57,120 Speaker 1: subverting those knee jerk responses that don't represent the person 122 00:07:57,240 --> 00:07:59,760 Speaker 1: we want to be when we say or do things 123 00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:04,080 Speaker 1: we regret. This is about buying time so we can 124 00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:07,560 Speaker 1: be more conscious and intentional, so that the action we 125 00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:11,680 Speaker 1: do take aligns with our values and beliefs. So here's 126 00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:13,880 Speaker 1: how I want you to think about it. What we're 127 00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:16,160 Speaker 1: trying to do in this moment is we're trying to 128 00:08:16,320 --> 00:08:20,600 Speaker 1: buy ourselves time so that we don't go and create 129 00:08:20,760 --> 00:08:24,240 Speaker 1: more pain, So that we don't go and create more stress. Right, 130 00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:26,560 Speaker 1: If you catch something that someone throws at you and 131 00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:30,640 Speaker 1: throw it back at them, it continues the cycle. If 132 00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:32,240 Speaker 1: you catch it and make it a part of you, 133 00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:36,040 Speaker 1: it continues the cycle. If you dodge it, you allow 134 00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:38,440 Speaker 1: it to go past you, although it does have an 135 00:08:38,480 --> 00:08:40,960 Speaker 1: impact on you. So how do we do that? In 136 00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:46,360 Speaker 1: a real life situation? Three deep breaths take about ten seconds, 137 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:52,239 Speaker 1: So in ninety seconds, we can take twenty seven deep breaths. 138 00:08:52,559 --> 00:08:55,120 Speaker 1: This is a great number to count up to, to 139 00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:58,240 Speaker 1: put it in your mind's eye. Count to twenty seven 140 00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:02,520 Speaker 1: as you breathe in and breathe out. This ninety second 141 00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:07,400 Speaker 1: rule allows you to understand that chemically, if you allow 142 00:09:07,559 --> 00:09:11,520 Speaker 1: this to pass in ninety seconds, you have the ability 143 00:09:11,679 --> 00:09:15,880 Speaker 1: now to truly choose how you respond. It's almost like 144 00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:20,120 Speaker 1: for ninety seconds you're controlled you're influenced. You're going to 145 00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:22,880 Speaker 1: act in a way that may not be you, that 146 00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:25,200 Speaker 1: may not be aligned with who you are, or what 147 00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:29,480 Speaker 1: you prioritize, or what you believe to be valuable. It's 148 00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:33,959 Speaker 1: just ninety seconds, and so many of us give away 149 00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:41,240 Speaker 1: amazing relationships, break or blemish partnerships, friendships, whatever it may be, 150 00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:43,840 Speaker 1: because we don't want to wait. Ninety seconds. That's how 151 00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:46,720 Speaker 1: I want you to think about it. Ninety seconds could 152 00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:52,760 Speaker 1: be the difference between finding a solution and losing a friendship. 153 00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:57,520 Speaker 1: Ninety seconds could be the difference between saying what you 154 00:09:57,679 --> 00:10:02,880 Speaker 1: mean or saying something mean. Ninety seconds could be the 155 00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:09,520 Speaker 1: difference between losing someone you love or showing someone how 156 00:10:09,559 --> 00:10:13,160 Speaker 1: you want to love them. Ninety seconds could be the 157 00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:17,120 Speaker 1: difference in what the next nine weeks or nine months 158 00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:22,280 Speaker 1: may look like. Ninety seconds of sitting with the emotions 159 00:10:22,280 --> 00:10:26,640 Speaker 1: in your body, allowing them to settle will actually give 160 00:10:26,679 --> 00:10:30,080 Speaker 1: you an awareness of what you're actually experiencing. You may 161 00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:35,080 Speaker 1: find that what was first anger is actually disappointment. You 162 00:10:35,160 --> 00:10:40,560 Speaker 1: may find that what was first frustration is actually now angst. 163 00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:45,199 Speaker 1: You may find that was once quite aggressive is actually 164 00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:49,520 Speaker 1: a still and calm emotion, and when we're able to 165 00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:55,000 Speaker 1: master those ninety seconds, we can actually cope better with surprises. Now, 166 00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:57,079 Speaker 1: listen to this. If you prepared. Next time you hear 167 00:10:57,120 --> 00:11:01,400 Speaker 1: a surprise, something comes along and shocks you, let it 168 00:11:01,559 --> 00:11:06,800 Speaker 1: settle for ninety seconds, because chances are your initial response 169 00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:09,480 Speaker 1: won't be helpful. Now, this is different in a fight 170 00:11:09,559 --> 00:11:13,120 Speaker 1: or flight situation. Right in the car accident situation, I'm 171 00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:15,480 Speaker 1: happy that this kicked in and that I didn't have 172 00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:18,760 Speaker 1: time for ninety seconds to think through this. Similarly, in 173 00:11:18,880 --> 00:11:22,320 Speaker 1: a place of physical danger, it's great to avoid this, 174 00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:27,160 Speaker 1: but when it comes to more mental emotional challenges, this 175 00:11:27,280 --> 00:11:32,360 Speaker 1: can save us a lot of headaches. Ninety seconds could 176 00:11:32,360 --> 00:11:36,319 Speaker 1: save you from ruining the next nine weeks or nine 177 00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:41,640 Speaker 1: months of your life. Ninety seconds could save you from 178 00:11:41,720 --> 00:11:47,480 Speaker 1: ruining one of your best relationships. Ninety seconds could protect 179 00:11:47,520 --> 00:11:51,400 Speaker 1: you from reacting in a way that isn't aligned with 180 00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:55,840 Speaker 1: who you are and who you want to be. Now 181 00:11:57,280 --> 00:11:59,280 Speaker 1: here is the way I want you to think about 182 00:11:59,280 --> 00:12:02,760 Speaker 1: how to actually put the ninety second rule into practice. 183 00:12:03,559 --> 00:12:06,680 Speaker 1: The first thing is set a timer. When you're going 184 00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:10,280 Speaker 1: through something like this, set a timer and watch that 185 00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:12,839 Speaker 1: count down. It's almost like doing a plank if you've 186 00:12:12,840 --> 00:12:16,720 Speaker 1: ever done plank position in a workout and you know 187 00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:19,400 Speaker 1: you've got sixty seconds ninety seconds to do it, and 188 00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:22,240 Speaker 1: you're just waiting there, you might be in pain, you 189 00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:24,280 Speaker 1: might be sucking in your core and then trying to 190 00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:26,520 Speaker 1: loosen it. You might be trying to cheat a little 191 00:12:26,559 --> 00:12:28,920 Speaker 1: bit on the sides, but you're sticking it out for 192 00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:32,920 Speaker 1: those ninety seconds. Treat it that way. Turn on a timer, 193 00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:36,640 Speaker 1: have a ninety second timer ready to go, so that 194 00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:42,120 Speaker 1: you know you're allowing the chemicals to go down naturally, 195 00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:44,319 Speaker 1: because chances are in those first ninety seconds you called 196 00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:46,520 Speaker 1: someone up, you tell them how it's going, You now 197 00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:50,679 Speaker 1: exacerbate it. Right, you start texting someone frantically, you now 198 00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:56,000 Speaker 1: exacerbate it. So we're constantly extending our overwhelm. We're constantly 199 00:12:56,040 --> 00:13:00,640 Speaker 1: extending our anxiety, extending our stress, advancing our pain, when 200 00:13:00,679 --> 00:13:03,360 Speaker 1: actually we could deal with it in a much more 201 00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:09,080 Speaker 1: healthy way. The next thing is take a moment to 202 00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:13,280 Speaker 1: do what I call an internal weather report. Right, where's 203 00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:16,600 Speaker 1: it feeling cloudy, where's it feeling rainy. Remember, we're not 204 00:13:16,679 --> 00:13:19,960 Speaker 1: avoiding our emotions, We're feeling them. We're letting them be there. 205 00:13:20,440 --> 00:13:23,559 Speaker 1: We're just not acting on them. That's the difference, right, 206 00:13:23,559 --> 00:13:29,320 Speaker 1: We're just not reacting. We're allowing time to go pass 207 00:13:29,760 --> 00:13:35,440 Speaker 1: so that we can respond. If you act straight after 208 00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:40,600 Speaker 1: experiencing something, that is a reaction to what happened. If 209 00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:44,440 Speaker 1: you allow the ninety seconds to pass, you now received 210 00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:49,400 Speaker 1: it and now you're responding. I think another great tool 211 00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:53,200 Speaker 1: is to check in with your body. It's asking yourself, 212 00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:56,240 Speaker 1: what's going on in my body right now? What am 213 00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:59,400 Speaker 1: I thinking about? Right how am I feeling? You're almost 214 00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:04,160 Speaker 1: learning to observe your body and mind. This also allows 215 00:14:04,240 --> 00:14:07,360 Speaker 1: us to not make it personal. Often the reason why 216 00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:12,520 Speaker 1: we react so frantically, aggressively, passionately is because we take 217 00:14:12,640 --> 00:14:17,880 Speaker 1: everything very personally. These ninety seconds allow for you to 218 00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:24,280 Speaker 1: not make it personal and just observe yourself experiencing these emotions, 219 00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:29,520 Speaker 1: and especially notice the physical and mental emotions you experience. 220 00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:34,880 Speaker 1: A lot of us don't realize when we pretend like 221 00:14:34,920 --> 00:14:39,880 Speaker 1: we're not experiencing anything, it actually gets stored in the body, 222 00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:42,040 Speaker 1: and we don't want that to happen. We don't want 223 00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:46,440 Speaker 1: stress to get stored in the body. I've already mentioned 224 00:14:46,480 --> 00:14:51,640 Speaker 1: inhaling and exhaling can actively relax tense areas of the 225 00:14:51,680 --> 00:14:54,680 Speaker 1: body and mind, and this is probably one of my 226 00:14:54,760 --> 00:14:59,760 Speaker 1: favorite ways. Noticing and naming the emotion is a really 227 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:04,840 Speaker 1: important thing. I found that being able to label how 228 00:15:04,880 --> 00:15:08,240 Speaker 1: you feel, especially things that come about more often than others, 229 00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:11,000 Speaker 1: is a really healthy way. Like, for example, I know 230 00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:14,080 Speaker 1: that before I go on stage, I often feel nervous, 231 00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:18,160 Speaker 1: but I call that my stage nervousness. I know that 232 00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:22,400 Speaker 1: that's my anxiety that I'm experiencing because I care about 233 00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:26,760 Speaker 1: what's happening. So I've labeled it care anxiety anxiety for 234 00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:28,440 Speaker 1: when I care. People always ask me, Jay, do you 235 00:15:28,440 --> 00:15:30,520 Speaker 1: still get nervous before you go on stage? And I 236 00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:33,480 Speaker 1: say yes, always because I care. I get nervous when 237 00:15:33,520 --> 00:15:35,840 Speaker 1: I care. So when I get nervous, now I know 238 00:15:35,920 --> 00:15:38,400 Speaker 1: it means I care, and I've labeled it that way, 239 00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:41,840 Speaker 1: and that way I know that I'm safe because I 240 00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:45,280 Speaker 1: care about what I'm doing. I believe in what I'm doing, 241 00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:48,640 Speaker 1: and that's a beautiful thing for me to remember. It's 242 00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:53,160 Speaker 1: the same feeling, but the labeling has helped me understand 243 00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:55,920 Speaker 1: it differently, and I want you to think about how 244 00:15:55,960 --> 00:16:00,240 Speaker 1: you can label your emotions differently as well. We don't 245 00:16:00,280 --> 00:16:04,320 Speaker 1: notice how these ninety seconds require a lot of stillness. 246 00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:08,680 Speaker 1: If you're driving fast, you can't spot anything on the road. 247 00:16:08,720 --> 00:16:11,320 Speaker 1: You may miss a sign, you may miss the animals 248 00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:14,080 Speaker 1: in the field, you may miss a billboard. When you're 249 00:16:14,160 --> 00:16:18,000 Speaker 1: driving fast, you miss everything. When we're moving fast, when 250 00:16:18,040 --> 00:16:21,360 Speaker 1: we stay busy, when we ignore these ninety seconds, we 251 00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:26,240 Speaker 1: keep moving fast, you will miss so many signals from 252 00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:31,840 Speaker 1: your body. Every day, we miss so many signals from 253 00:16:31,880 --> 00:16:36,480 Speaker 1: our body. Every day, we miss so many signals from 254 00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:41,520 Speaker 1: our mind because every day our body and mind is 255 00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:45,680 Speaker 1: trying to protect us, trying to help us, and trying 256 00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:49,000 Speaker 1: to encourage us to learn. But we miss out on 257 00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:55,040 Speaker 1: all of that because we're moving fast, because we're moving 258 00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:58,280 Speaker 1: at a pace where we believe we can't slow down. 259 00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:01,720 Speaker 1: And for this night ninety seconds, when you choose to 260 00:17:01,840 --> 00:17:06,400 Speaker 1: just slow down for ninety seconds, you stop yourself reacting 261 00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:10,679 Speaker 1: from a fast car, and instead you learn to respond 262 00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:16,600 Speaker 1: in slow motion. It's almost like when you're in slow 263 00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:21,400 Speaker 1: motion you can actually see things for what they are. Right. 264 00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:24,639 Speaker 1: If you're driving slowly, you can see what's in the distance, 265 00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:29,640 Speaker 1: you can see what's in the foreground, you can make 266 00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:34,600 Speaker 1: out the distance between things. Just slow down for ninety 267 00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:37,560 Speaker 1: seconds before you react or respond to. Maybe get a 268 00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:40,199 Speaker 1: message and it triggers you. You get an email and 269 00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:43,720 Speaker 1: it makes you feel nervous and anxious. Instead of responding immediately, 270 00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:47,119 Speaker 1: instead of reacting, instead of taking a screenshot and sending 271 00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:51,520 Speaker 1: it to someone and reacting to it, take ninety seconds. 272 00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:55,959 Speaker 1: That's all you need to do. Take ninety seconds and 273 00:17:56,080 --> 00:18:02,680 Speaker 1: let it slowly dissipate organically. Now, some emotions are different 274 00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:06,000 Speaker 1: than others. I saw a study on the melon line 275 00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:10,639 Speaker 1: that said sadness lasts two hundred and forty times longer 276 00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:14,520 Speaker 1: than other emotions. In this reset study that I read 277 00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:18,240 Speaker 1: on the melonline, researchers surveyed two hundred and thirty three 278 00:18:18,359 --> 00:18:21,320 Speaker 1: young adults from a Belgian high school with an average 279 00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:26,000 Speaker 1: age of seventeen and found emotions very widely in duration. 280 00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:30,600 Speaker 1: They said, of the twenty seven emotions studied, sadness lasted 281 00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:39,080 Speaker 1: the longest, where a shame, surprise, fear, discust, boredom, feeling touched, irritation, 282 00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:45,160 Speaker 1: and relief were the shortest duration emotions. Emotions that lasted 283 00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:49,080 Speaker 1: longer were associated with more important event triggers, as well 284 00:18:49,119 --> 00:18:52,639 Speaker 1: as more reflection about the feelings and the consequences of 285 00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:56,480 Speaker 1: the event that prompted the emotion. Now why am I 286 00:18:56,520 --> 00:19:00,800 Speaker 1: sharing this? I'm sharing this because I realized this a 287 00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:05,800 Speaker 1: while ago. When something bad happens, we cry for a month. 288 00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:11,960 Speaker 1: When something good happens, we celebrate for a night. Remember 289 00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:15,639 Speaker 1: to share your wins as much as you share your losses. 290 00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:19,119 Speaker 1: If something goes bad, you're likely to tell ten people. 291 00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:23,399 Speaker 1: If something goes well, you might tell one. There's a 292 00:19:23,520 --> 00:19:28,320 Speaker 1: reason why we submerge ourself in sadness more than we 293 00:19:28,359 --> 00:19:33,800 Speaker 1: immerse ourselves in greatness. It's because we've practiced over and 294 00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:39,200 Speaker 1: over and over again to dive deep into our pain 295 00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:45,760 Speaker 1: and swim shallow in our pleasure. Right, we actually swim 296 00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:49,480 Speaker 1: shallow when it comes to amazing experiences. Maybe you'll post 297 00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:53,280 Speaker 1: on social media, maybe you'll share one line you have 298 00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:56,240 Speaker 1: a very shallow experience with the good things in your life, 299 00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:59,520 Speaker 1: and a very deep experience with the bad things in 300 00:19:59,560 --> 00:20:05,600 Speaker 1: your life. Try to take a moment to acknowledge today 301 00:20:06,240 --> 00:20:08,359 Speaker 1: the good that you've done. I'm sure it was so 302 00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:11,680 Speaker 1: easy at the end of the day to judge yourself, 303 00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:15,439 Speaker 1: to shame yourself, and to guilt yourself. At the end 304 00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:18,320 Speaker 1: of the day. I'm sure it was so easy to 305 00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:20,560 Speaker 1: make yourself feel bad. I wish I did that better. 306 00:20:20,840 --> 00:20:23,240 Speaker 1: I could have done that better. I made a mistake 307 00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:25,520 Speaker 1: on that I should have been smarter, I should have 308 00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:27,479 Speaker 1: been faster, I should have been quicker. Why didn't I 309 00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:30,919 Speaker 1: know that? Right? This is how we talk to ourselves. 310 00:20:31,720 --> 00:20:36,960 Speaker 1: We're so good at making ourselves feel bad, but making 311 00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:42,119 Speaker 1: yourself feel bad will never lead to you doing good. Right, 312 00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:45,320 Speaker 1: let me tell you that again. We're so good at 313 00:20:45,359 --> 00:20:50,320 Speaker 1: making ourselves feel bad, but making ourselves feel bad will 314 00:20:50,359 --> 00:20:57,080 Speaker 1: never create good in our lives. We repeat what we reward. 315 00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:03,320 Speaker 1: We repeat what we reward. If we reward ourselves for 316 00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:06,360 Speaker 1: good action at the end of the day, we'll repeat it. 317 00:21:07,040 --> 00:21:09,679 Speaker 1: If you recognize that today you made it to forty 318 00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:14,320 Speaker 1: five seconds before responding, you'll repeat that you're moving in 319 00:21:14,359 --> 00:21:18,680 Speaker 1: the right direction. But if you make it all about 320 00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:22,040 Speaker 1: the mistakes you made today and how you're so far behind, 321 00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:26,240 Speaker 1: guess what, you'll repeat that. Because we become familiar with 322 00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:32,280 Speaker 1: that emotion, we become familiar with that action. So what 323 00:21:32,320 --> 00:21:33,720 Speaker 1: I want you to do when you're having a tough 324 00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:36,359 Speaker 1: conversation tell your partner, hey, let's just take a ninety 325 00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:40,040 Speaker 1: second break. If you receive an email from your boss 326 00:21:40,640 --> 00:21:43,560 Speaker 1: and you're struggling out to respond, take a ninety second break. 327 00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:47,240 Speaker 1: If you woke up in the morning and you're feeling 328 00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:51,960 Speaker 1: a certain way, give yourself a ninety second break. A 329 00:21:52,080 --> 00:21:56,600 Speaker 1: ninety second break could be the difference between you breaking 330 00:21:57,359 --> 00:22:01,280 Speaker 1: and responding. With these It's literally all it will take, 331 00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:05,119 Speaker 1: and I really really hope that you'll try out the 332 00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:09,560 Speaker 1: ninety second rule. I want you to reflect on how 333 00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:14,600 Speaker 1: you normally respond to a stimulus that stirs up challenging emotions. 334 00:22:15,040 --> 00:22:18,600 Speaker 1: Do you usually just rush into a reaction? Do you 335 00:22:18,640 --> 00:22:22,359 Speaker 1: allow those emotions to build? What could you do to 336 00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:29,439 Speaker 1: create more space so you can respond with intention. I 337 00:22:29,440 --> 00:22:32,280 Speaker 1: think this will make a huge difference in your life, 338 00:22:32,880 --> 00:22:36,720 Speaker 1: will make a huge impact on what's possible, and it 339 00:22:36,720 --> 00:22:40,480 Speaker 1: will save you from so much stress and pain. Remember 340 00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:43,119 Speaker 1: I'm forever in your corner and always rooting for you. 341 00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:47,000 Speaker 1: If you love this episode, you're going to love my 342 00:22:47,119 --> 00:22:50,560 Speaker 1: conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your 343 00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:53,600 Speaker 1: ex and find true love in your relationships. 344 00:22:53,760 --> 00:22:58,000 Speaker 2: People should be compassionate to themselves that extend that compassion 345 00:22:58,160 --> 00:23:02,199 Speaker 2: to your future self, because truly extending your compassion to 346 00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:05,240 Speaker 2: your future self is doing something that gives him or 347 00:23:05,280 --> 00:23:07,600 Speaker 2: her a shot at a happy and a peaceful life.