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Speaker 1: Hey everyone, It's Jay Sheddy and I'm thrilled to announce

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Speaker 1: my podcast tour. For the first time ever, you can

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Speaker 1: experience on purpose in person. Join me in a city

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Speaker 1: near you for meaningful, insightful conversations with surprise guests. It

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Speaker 1: could be a celebrity, top wellness expert, or a CEO

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Speaker 1: or business leader. We'll dive into experiences designed to experience growth,

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Speaker 1: spark learning, and build real connections.

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Speaker 2: I can't wait to meet you.

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Speaker 1: There are a limited number of VIP experiences for a

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Speaker 1: private Q and a intimate meditation and a meet and

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Speaker 1: greet with photos.

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Speaker 2: Tickets are on sale now.

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Speaker 1: Head to Jsheddy dot me forward Slash Tour and get

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Speaker 1: yours today.

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Speaker 3: Don't say I'm anxious, Say I feel anxious because and

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Speaker 3: that allows you to be a human having an emotion

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Speaker 3: and trying your best to figure out why. Sharing your

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Speaker 3: anxious feelings in a way that you don't identify with them,

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Speaker 3: that invites connection and now we can talk about it.

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Speaker 3: And once we start revealing it, that's really the first

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Speaker 3: step to healing.

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Speaker 2: The number one health and well in the podcast.

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Speaker 1: Jay Setty, Jay Sheddy, see Lenly Jay shet Hey everyone, welcome,

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Speaker 1: back to On Purpose, the place you come to listen,

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Speaker 1: learn and grow. Today's guest is on for his third time.

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Speaker 1: Came on in season one. I'm always super grateful to

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Speaker 1: my friends who showed up when we were this tiny

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Speaker 1: little podcast trying to figure out our way, and when

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Speaker 1: they come back with new exciting information, reflections, revelations, I

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Speaker 1: can't wait to have them back on the show. Today's

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Speaker 1: guest is none other than Humble the poet, an artist, rapper,

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Speaker 1: spoken word artist, international best selling author, and former elementary

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Speaker 1: school teacher.

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Speaker 2: If you didn't know.

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Speaker 1: Known for his tattoos, beard, head wrap, and infectious smile,

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Speaker 1: he captivates audiences with thought provoking ideas that challenge can

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Speaker 1: conventional wisdom. Humble's dynamic live performances have taken him to

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Speaker 1: major festivals all across the world, and he's been featured

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Speaker 1: in The New York Times, BuzzFeed, Vogue, Rolling Stone, and

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Speaker 1: hulf Post. Humble is the author of Unlearned Things No

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Speaker 1: One Else Can Teach Us, and here to talk about

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Speaker 1: his latest book, which I want you.

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Speaker 2: To grab right now.

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Speaker 1: It's called un Anxious Fifty Simple Truths to help overthinkers

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Speaker 1: feel less stress and more calm. If your goal this

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Speaker 1: year is to manage and navigate anxiety better, this is

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Speaker 1: the book for you. It's called Out Anxious. We'll put

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Speaker 1: the link in the comments. Welcome back to on Purpose,

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Speaker 1: My dear, dear friend, one of the realist guys I know,

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Speaker 1: someone that I slouch around when he's here, and my

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Speaker 1: full self because we do this offline anyway, Humble the poet.

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Speaker 2: Humble. It's great to have you back then.

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Speaker 3: That's great to be here. Thank you so much. That

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Speaker 3: was an awesome intro.

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Speaker 1: Dude, It's just it's so fun when, like you know,

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Speaker 1: I've really been thinking about that first season so much lately,

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Speaker 1: and it's because there's so many guests who've kind of

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Speaker 1: come back. So we just had doctor daniel Lehman on.

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Speaker 1: It's been his fifth time he's been on in six years,

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Speaker 1: which is insane. Chloe Kardashian just came back on for

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Speaker 1: the second time, and she was one of those first

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Speaker 1: people that really helped us grow. And so it's just

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Speaker 1: like people who believed in the show when it was

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Speaker 1: you know, finding its way, and you were one of them.

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Speaker 2: So I'm very grateful to you.

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Speaker 3: I appreciate you having me back then. It's always been amazing.

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Speaker 1: You're the best, all right. I want to dive in

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Speaker 1: because this book. You dropped so many bars in this

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Speaker 1: book that I was like, the only way to do

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Speaker 1: the book justice and for people to realize it's worth

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Speaker 1: picking up is me to read stuff from the book.

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Speaker 1: And right in the introduction you say something, and I

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Speaker 1: think it just sets the tone for the rest of

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Speaker 1: the book. You say, anxiety isn't something that needs curing.

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Speaker 1: Why was that important for people to know right at

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Speaker 1: the beginning.

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Speaker 3: I think when I started the journey, it was really

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Speaker 3: about meeting people where they're at. And I think now

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Speaker 3: how that mental health is, like mental health awareness has

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Speaker 3: really become normalized. It may have gone a little bit

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Speaker 3: too far with people identifying with certain things that they're

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Speaker 3: struggling with. And it's like, anxiety is not a problem.

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Speaker 3: It's not a disease, it's not dandruff. It's not a

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Speaker 3: condition that we have to deal with. It's a signal

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Speaker 3: it's here to help us. And what we need to

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Speaker 3: do is reevaluate our relationship with it. Right now, where

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Speaker 3: we're at is we medicate, avoid, and distract, and all

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Speaker 3: of those are understandable coping mechanisms. They help us in

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Speaker 3: the moment, they help us feel better, but none of

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Speaker 3: that in the long term is going to help us

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Speaker 3: become better. And what it is is we just have

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Speaker 3: to pay attention to what anxiety and anxious feelings are

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Speaker 3: trying to tell us. And the big thing with that

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Speaker 3: is changing our relationship in a way that makes us

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Speaker 3: not think like, oh, because I'm having anxious feelings, that

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Speaker 3: must be weak, something's wrong with me. Nobody else is

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Speaker 3: dealing with this, and it's like, no, you are absolutely

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Speaker 3: normal for having anxious feelings. And to start that's the

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Speaker 3: first idea. We have to understand, treating ourselves with grace

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Speaker 3: that this is completely normal. And then once we get there,

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Speaker 3: we can start this journey going from managing it in

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Speaker 3: helpful ways and then also growing from it. We don't

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Speaker 3: want to just keep soothing anxiety. We want to gain

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Speaker 3: strength through paying attention and understanding what it's trying to

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Speaker 3: tell us.

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Speaker 1: One of the things me and you talk about a

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Speaker 1: lot when we're having our offline conversations is this difference

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Speaker 1: in the idea of East and West. So the Western

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Speaker 1: ideology is I had anxiety, I don't have it anymore,

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Speaker 1: So everything's painted as this before and after, and we

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Speaker 1: know that the East, which we both take inspiration from,

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Speaker 1: is more cyclical, where it's like, well, wait a minute,

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Speaker 1: anxiety isn't going to go away. It's going to keep

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Speaker 1: showing up in my life in different ways. Now, if

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Speaker 1: anxiety shows up in the same way, it's because I'm

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Speaker 1: not learning, I'm not strengthening, I'm not hearing the signal

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Speaker 1: as you just called it, absolutely, and it's going to

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Speaker 1: show up in different ways because even if I hear

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Speaker 1: the signal of anxiety here, anxiety is going to show

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Speaker 1: up in another way over here. And so I love

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Speaker 1: that you really make it clear off the bat that

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Speaker 1: this isn't about solving a problem. Yeah right, it's not

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Speaker 1: about getting rid of it.

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Speaker 3: Yeah. What I'm promising in the book is I'm not

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Speaker 3: promising to cure anxiety. I'm promising to cure the despair

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Speaker 3: around anxiety. And the despair is when we feel hopeless

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Speaker 3: because we don't think we have options. So this book

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Speaker 3: is full of options to better understand anxiety and to

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Speaker 3: go from managing to striving and growing and becoming stronger

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Speaker 3: from it. And because we feel hopeless, that's where we

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Speaker 3: stop and a lot of the tension that we carry

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Speaker 3: comes from resisting these emotions. It's not the emotions themselves.

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Speaker 3: Anxious feelings aren't harming us. Resisting and avoiding these anxious

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Speaker 3: feelings or what's actually doing the damage.

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Speaker 2: Oh, I love that. I love that.

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Speaker 1: I think it resonates so strongly with me because I've

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Speaker 1: been thinking a lot about how when you're anxious about something,

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Speaker 1: you feel like you only have two options. So it's

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Speaker 1: like I either overcome this and my life's going to

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Speaker 1: be better, or I'm stuck with this for the rest

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Speaker 1: of my life and my life's over right. We kind

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Speaker 1: of get these two extreme options and the fact that

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Speaker 1: you're saying, well, wait, wait a minute, there's a third option, fourth,

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Speaker 1: and there's fifty in here. That's actually what we all

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Speaker 1: want to feel. I remember when I was anxious about

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Speaker 1: the fact that I hated my job, my career wasn't

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Speaker 1: really going where I wanted it to go. But then

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Speaker 1: I was anxious about leaving. I realized the problem was

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Speaker 1: my anxiety was all based on the fact I had

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Speaker 1: limited options.

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Speaker 2: I thought, I.

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Speaker 1: Either stay somewhere I hate, or I leave, and then

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Speaker 1: I'm lost because I don't know what's gonna come. And

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Speaker 1: as soon as I started updating my LinkedIn resume and

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Speaker 1: I saw other job offers coming in and there are

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Speaker 1: other options, I was like, oh, it's not as bad anymore.

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Speaker 1: But nothing really changed apart from the fact that I

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Speaker 1: could see a few steps further. What have you found

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Speaker 1: is the best way to open up your mind to

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Speaker 1: more options when you're in a position where you feel

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Speaker 1: imprisoned and trapped by your thinking.

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Speaker 3: So I love the idea that curiosity is courage in disguise.

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Speaker 3: And what we realize is is often when we have

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Speaker 3: this kind of dualistic thinking, this is good, this is bad,

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Speaker 3: this will help, this will hurt, that's us limiting our scope,

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Speaker 3: as you said, and that's us being judgmental. And the

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Speaker 3: only antidote to that is to be curious, is to

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Speaker 3: ask more questions, to explore the gray between the black

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Speaker 3: and white. And as we start doing that, more options arise,

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Speaker 3: and we also start to realize often the fear that

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Speaker 3: I'm dealing with is related to a story that I've

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Speaker 3: told myself that I can only do this, or I've

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Speaker 3: gone so far, I've climbed this mountain, and now people

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Speaker 3: will seeing them a failure if I have to climb

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Speaker 3: all the way back down to find a new mountain.

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Speaker 3: So I realized, keeping our mind open, keeping our hearts open,

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Speaker 3: requires curiosity, and that really is what courage is. And

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Speaker 3: often we think this is a light switch. We think,

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Speaker 3: you know, either I'm confident or I'm not confident. I'm

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Speaker 3: going to fix this or I'm not. And it's like, really, no,

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Speaker 3: it's a dimmer and it's not simply a failing on

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Speaker 3: our part if we start to feel like this. We

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Speaker 3: live in a society that really encourages us to Okay, well,

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Speaker 3: if this is difficult, let's rearrange our lives to avoid it.

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Speaker 3: You know. A personal story for example, this book was

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Speaker 3: inspired through one of our conversations when I was reaching

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Speaker 3: out to you to come on the podcast the Last Book,

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Speaker 3: and I explained that I feel a lot of anxiety

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Speaker 3: around asking for help and you know, and you said

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Speaker 3: many beautiful words to me to help soothe that, but

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Speaker 3: I didn't address the fear of rejection I had. I

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Speaker 3: didn't address any of that. And then I caught myself saying, well,

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Speaker 3: you know what, maybe this will be the last book

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Speaker 3: and I'll never have to ask for a favor. Again,

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Speaker 3: that is not healing. That is me rearranging my life

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Speaker 3: so I don't have to face the thing that is

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Speaker 3: giving me anxious feelings. And there's no growth in that.

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Speaker 3: That is me temporarily managing it because I'm going to

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Speaker 3: have to ask for help. And what we have to

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Speaker 3: realize is these challenges are an invitation for growth. Our

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Speaker 3: triggers are an invitation for growth. There's an opportunity here

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Speaker 3: for us to not only deal with them in a

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Speaker 3: healthy way, but then also to growth through them because

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Speaker 3: all of our growth happens outside of our comfort. And

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Speaker 3: that's a really interesting thing where I've realized, I'm like, Okay,

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Speaker 3: I can feel better by avoiding asking for help, or

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Speaker 3: I can be better by leaning into this and being

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Speaker 3: okay with that.

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Speaker 1: It's powerful when you paint that picture. Because I'm sitting there,

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Speaker 1: I mean, I'm trying to think about all the times

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Speaker 1: I've avoided things that I didn't want to do. And

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Speaker 1: I remember at one point I just avoided working out,

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Speaker 1: Like I love playing sport, but I just didn't want

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Speaker 1: to work out. I didn't enjoy it. I come up

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Speaker 1: with loads of excuses. I arranged my life in a

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Speaker 1: way that I didn't have to do it. And as

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Speaker 1: I grew older and you realize the value of getting

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Speaker 1: stronger and taking care of your body, not just esthetically

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Speaker 1: but for the purpose of health, like to actually live

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Speaker 1: a healthy life, a strong life. You start going, well,

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Speaker 1: wait a minute, actually, it was only doing the thing

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Speaker 1: and turning up when I didn't want to that has

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Speaker 1: left me feeling better and stronger as opposed to when

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Speaker 1: I was running away from it, I was just getting

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Speaker 1: weaker and weaker.

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Speaker 3: And that's exactly how we should look at mental health.

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Speaker 3: I think right now we're looking at mental health like

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Speaker 3: it's this very fragile crystal that we have to protect

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Speaker 3: from the world and like, oh, I'm going to avoid

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Speaker 3: this person to protect my mental health. No, and mental

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Speaker 3: health is a tool, it's a muscle. It's what allows

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Speaker 3: us to deal with struggle. Struggle isn't the enemy. Struggle

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Speaker 3: is the vehicle that makes us more of a that

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Speaker 3: makes us more emotionally strong, that makes us more self aware.

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Speaker 3: Every time we have a negative experience that we get triggered,

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Speaker 3: we're giving ourselves data. That data is a gift for

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Speaker 3: our self awareness so we can better understand who we

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Speaker 3: are and it's just like you said, if you want

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Speaker 3: to help me move a couch, working out at the

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Speaker 3: gym and voluntarily lifting heavy things, we'll prepare you for that.

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Speaker 3: It's the same thing with our mental health. We have

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Speaker 3: to voluntarily put ourselves in uncomfortable situations. We have to

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Speaker 3: challenge ourselves on purpose voluntarily, so when challenges find us,

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Speaker 3: we're more resilient, we're more confident, we'll feel more safe

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Speaker 3: to deal with that stuff.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and this isn't about making your life harder. It's

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Speaker 1: being able to make your life harder in a controlled,

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Speaker 1: choice based environment. Like it's not like just like you're

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Speaker 1: not just training drama in your life. That's not the point.

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Speaker 3: Definitely not drama. But I think the name of the

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Speaker 3: podcast on purpose. When you discover your purpose, even if

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Speaker 3: you devote fifteen minutes to like digging in and picking

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Speaker 3: up as much weight with that purpose as possible, that's

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Speaker 3: going to energize you to a level that most of

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Speaker 3: us never experience until we figure out that thing that matters.

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Speaker 3: So it's really not about adding drama to our lives.

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Speaker 3: But it's really about carrying as much weight as we

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Speaker 3: can to see how strong we can be. We can

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Speaker 3: only get stronger through struggle, and if we voluntarily put

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Speaker 3: ourselves in stressful situations. And it could be even like

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Speaker 3: think video games. We're not going to buy a video

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Speaker 3: game if it's easy. You know. We want there to

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Speaker 3: be a challenge. We want to fall on our face,

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Speaker 3: get back up and try again. And it's the same

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Speaker 3: thing with life. It's this is how our batteries get charged.

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Speaker 3: It comes through choosing to do hard things voluntarily on purpose.

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Speaker 3: And that can be anything for some people. It could

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Speaker 3: be a specific art. It could be drawing, it could

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Speaker 3: be working out, it could be jiu jitsu, it could

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Speaker 3: be any type of challenge. And this is going to

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Speaker 3: charge our batteries so much more than a two week

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Speaker 3: vacation lying on a beach doing absolutely nothing.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and it builds more confidence, right, because when you're

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Speaker 1: doing difficult things.

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Speaker 2: I always say to people.

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Speaker 1: Someone asked me the other day, they said, Jay, how

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Speaker 1: do I feel confident before I do this? And I said,

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Speaker 1: I never feel confident before I do something. I feel prepared,

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Speaker 1: I feel organized, and I feel practiced. I feel confident

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Speaker 1: after I conquer it. So when I'm about to give

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Speaker 1: a talk, I don't feel confident before I give a talk,

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Speaker 1: But I know I've practiced, I know I've prepared, and

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Speaker 1: I know I'm organized. Now I give the talk, and

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Speaker 1: then I feel confident because I've built and you muscle

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Speaker 1: built a new skill, whatever it may have been. And

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Speaker 1: so this idea that I need to feel confident before

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Speaker 1: I do something, I need to not feel anxiety before

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Speaker 1: I do something is actually quite unnatural. How do we

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Speaker 1: get comfortable with discomfort? How do we get comfortable with

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Speaker 1: uncertainty when we're wired to want things to feel good

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Speaker 1: and be comfortable.

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Speaker 3: I think it's recognizing that a we're wired for a

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Speaker 3: world that we don't live in anymore. So we are

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Speaker 3: getting way too much stimuli. We're comparing ourselves to way

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Speaker 3: too many people, we know way too many people. You know,

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Speaker 3: we're really wired to be in much smaller communities. And

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Speaker 3: bringing up this concept of confidence I think is really

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Speaker 3: important because it goes back to that idea that it's

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Speaker 3: not a light switch. I like to think about reading.

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Speaker 3: We didn't not know how to read, and then one

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Speaker 3: day know how to read. We started by learning the alphabet,

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Speaker 3: learning the sounds, two little words, three little words, four

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Speaker 3: little words, until we could all read big, complex novels.

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Speaker 3: That was like a fourteen to fifteen year journey. You know,

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Speaker 3: we may not have realized that was happening because it

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Speaker 3: was in school. It was fun. We may not have

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Speaker 3: had a choice we had to go anyways. But as adults,

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Speaker 3: the thing is all of our growth came from doing

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Speaker 3: the struggling with a book when you were reading it. Now,

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Speaker 3: as we become idols, we avoid all these things that

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Speaker 3: are struggling. And it's really reevaluating our relationship with difficult

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Speaker 3: things and challenges. And it's absolutely correct. Both motivation and

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Speaker 3: confidence they don't come before action. You can't wait till

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Speaker 3: you're motivated to do something. Doing something will make you motivated,

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Speaker 3: Doing something will make you confidence. And this also brings

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Speaker 3: up a really important idea that as we have this conversation,

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Speaker 3: this is really going to hit people logically like, oh

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Speaker 3: that makes so much sense. That makes so much sense.

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Speaker 3: But for the body to really believe this, you can't

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Speaker 3: make sense to the body. You have to practice this. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: you know, if I asked you to stand up and

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Speaker 3: fall backwards and I say I'll catch you, your brain

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Speaker 3: might be like I trust them. Your body is still

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Speaker 3: going to be a little bit nervous. Let's say I

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Speaker 3: catch you, and then I'm like, let's do it again.

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Speaker 3: You'll be a little less nervous, but you're still going

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Speaker 3: to have some nerves. We might have to do it

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Speaker 3: fifteen times for your body to completely trust the process.

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Speaker 3: We have to practice. Practice makes progress, and we have

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Speaker 3: to get out of this binary of like I can't

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Speaker 3: do it, or I'm perfect at it. I can't do it,

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Speaker 3: or I've mastered it. We have to just continually be

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Speaker 3: on a journey and celebrate the progress that comes from that,

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Speaker 3: and that progress is what builds our confidence and slowly

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Speaker 3: turn up that dial because that's the only way it's

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Speaker 3: going to happen.

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Speaker 1: You say, anxiety overestimates the threat and underestimates our ability

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Speaker 1: to deal with it absolutely.

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Speaker 2: What did you mean by that?

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Speaker 3: So I heard a really interesting quote which was anxiety

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Speaker 3: is when your intelligence grows quicker than your courage.

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Speaker 2: Hmm, okay, yeah.

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Speaker 3: And oftentimes when when we're younger, we accomplish amazing things

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Speaker 3: that we don't know we're supposed to be afraid of it.

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Speaker 3: We don't even know we're be afraid of playing on

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Speaker 3: the street or what have you. What the stresses are.

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Speaker 3: You may have accomplished something where the odds were against you,

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Speaker 3: but you didn't know the odds, so you didn't feel

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Speaker 3: that anxiety. So when our intelligence grows, now all of

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Speaker 3: a sudden, our imagination is being used to invent threats,

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Speaker 3: right to detect threats, things that may or may not happen,

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Speaker 3: and then that holds us back from actually acting because

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Speaker 3: the triggers are at Magdalah. We have a little tiny

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Speaker 3: part of our brain, the side of an almond, called

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Speaker 3: the amygdalah. In the book, I call it our survival brain,

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Speaker 3: and it's like a very undertrained but loving bodyguard that

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Speaker 3: wants to protect you from everything. But its definition of

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Speaker 3: danger is uncertain, unrecognizable, unfamiliar, uncomfortable, and these we know

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Speaker 3: aren't things that are actually dangerous. Struggle isn't danger, challenge

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Speaker 3: isn't danger. But when we come across that, we're gonna

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Speaker 3: speak ourselves out of it. So it's really important to

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Speaker 3: understand this kind of idea that we need to feel

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Speaker 3: the fear and do it. Anyways, resilientiance doesn't feel good

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Speaker 3: when you're being resilient, when you have to be resilient,

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Speaker 3: when you have to be strong, it's not going to

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Speaker 3: be a great feeling, and that's okay. Building resilience voluntarily

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Speaker 3: doing difficult things may not be a good feeling, but

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Speaker 3: that's okay because we're not here to live a life

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Speaker 3: without suffering. We're here to see our own potential and

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Speaker 3: see how much we can endure. And again, it's not

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Speaker 3: about putting yourselves in uncomfortable and dangerous situations. It's about

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Speaker 3: realizing that life is chaotic, life is random, most of

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Speaker 3: it is out of our control. Let's stop tensing ourselves

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Speaker 3: by trying to hold onto everything, let the chips fall

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Speaker 3: where they may, and trust ourselves that we can handle

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Speaker 3: whatever's come in our way.

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Speaker 1: your first order. That's drink Juni dot com and make

398
00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:07,720
Speaker 1: sure you use the code on purpose. I remember for

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Speaker 1: years I'd given talks about how failures are stepping stones

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Speaker 1: to success and how like you got to feel the

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Speaker 1: fear and do it anyway. And then I remember when

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Speaker 1: I went through some real stuff and I was like, oh,

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Speaker 1: and at the same time, I remember that I'd been through,

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Speaker 1: like you just said, real stuff when I was younger,

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Speaker 1: and I never gave myself credit for it because I

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Speaker 1: just assumed that that's what life was. I didn't realize

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Speaker 1: how much hardship i'd been through in my early years

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Speaker 1: because to me, it was just normal. And I think

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Speaker 1: that's true for a lot of people. And then there's

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Speaker 1: the other side of it, where it's like I may

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Speaker 1: talk about these ideas, I may hear them, but then

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Speaker 1: life's going to throw a challenge at me.

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Speaker 2: Where I actually have to apply what I've learned.

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Speaker 1: And you say something in the book where you say

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Speaker 1: home is where the anxiety starts. I think a lot

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Speaker 1: of us feel that we felt the anxiety of our parents,

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Speaker 1: we felt the anxiety of our siblings, we felt the

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Speaker 1: anxiety of the extended family, and we kind of just

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Speaker 1: ingested all of it.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and then it's only.

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Speaker 1: Decades later that you kind of even realize that you

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Speaker 1: might be sitting at like a dinner table at a

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Speaker 1: holiday dinner at your parents' house, or you're sitting around

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Speaker 1: with your family and you go, wait a minute, everyone

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Speaker 1: here is carrying anxiety, and you can actually see it,

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Speaker 1: but then you realize you've kept onto it for decades.

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Speaker 1: What do you do when you feel like you've been

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Speaker 1: carrying the baggage of anxiety that you picked up when

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Speaker 1: you were a kid and you have an unpacked for

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Speaker 1: twenty years.

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Speaker 3: I think the first thing is be super super nice

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Speaker 3: to yourself. You know, imagine eight year old you is

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Speaker 3: dealing with these complex adults with their emotions, and they

434
00:20:43,520 --> 00:20:45,639
Speaker 3: grew up at a time or emotional intelligence and being

435
00:20:45,680 --> 00:20:48,679
Speaker 3: able to communicate an emotion wasn't a thing. So your

436
00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:52,800
Speaker 3: coping mechanisms and your survival mechanisms, your your mental health

437
00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:56,119
Speaker 3: tried its best to adapt the best it could with

438
00:20:56,160 --> 00:20:58,560
Speaker 3: your limited eight year old nine year old brain, and

439
00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:02,280
Speaker 3: then those coping mechanisms became habits. And then as adults,

440
00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:05,560
Speaker 3: we continue those coping mechanisms even though we have access

441
00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:08,199
Speaker 3: to more helpful ones. And instead of looking back and

442
00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:10,719
Speaker 3: being like, well, I'm a product of all this trauma,

443
00:21:10,840 --> 00:21:12,560
Speaker 3: or I'm a product of I made all these poor

444
00:21:12,640 --> 00:21:14,399
Speaker 3: choices and now I'm stuck in this habit loop, just

445
00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:16,719
Speaker 3: be like, look, my mental health has always been on

446
00:21:16,720 --> 00:21:19,159
Speaker 3: my team. It's always been helping me. Now we just

447
00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:21,959
Speaker 3: need to upgrade it with family. I do view them

448
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:24,800
Speaker 3: as the ultimate boss in this world of anxiety because

449
00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:27,399
Speaker 3: it's like they can push our buttons because they install

450
00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:27,920
Speaker 3: the buttons.

451
00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:28,840
Speaker 1: Right.

452
00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:30,560
Speaker 2: Yeah, I love that point.

453
00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:32,440
Speaker 3: And there's that and I always think about even in

454
00:21:32,680 --> 00:21:35,000
Speaker 3: my household words like I have a lot, I get

455
00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:38,440
Speaker 3: along with my family great. Just stepping into my childhood

456
00:21:38,480 --> 00:21:42,719
Speaker 3: home brings up anxious feelings. It reminds you of versions

457
00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:45,520
Speaker 3: of yourself that you don't want to remember. And I

458
00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:48,439
Speaker 3: think the idea that really helped me realize this was like,

459
00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:51,960
Speaker 3: if you learn the lesson, you won't be afraid of

460
00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:54,840
Speaker 3: the test. So I think what ends up happening is

461
00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:58,280
Speaker 3: when we have these feelings again, these are signals. It's

462
00:21:58,280 --> 00:22:01,760
Speaker 3: like the smoke detector going off. Instead of pulling out

463
00:22:01,760 --> 00:22:04,560
Speaker 3: the battery, ripping the smoke detector off the ceiling, putting

464
00:22:04,560 --> 00:22:06,560
Speaker 3: a piece of tape over the light, let's look for

465
00:22:06,600 --> 00:22:09,600
Speaker 3: the smoke, you know. So when we're at home and

466
00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:12,480
Speaker 3: these anxious feelings start coming up, this is an opportunity

467
00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:14,960
Speaker 3: for us to start exploring and figuring out what it is.

468
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:18,199
Speaker 3: And as simple as feeling the feelings, you know, and

469
00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:19,640
Speaker 3: maybe in a moment it may not be the best

470
00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:21,720
Speaker 3: time for you, So do whatever you do to suits.

471
00:22:21,840 --> 00:22:23,600
Speaker 3: You know, if it's if you got to go and

472
00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:25,600
Speaker 3: look at your phone, please do what you got to do.

473
00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:27,760
Speaker 3: Look at your phone. If you've got to go distract yourself,

474
00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:29,119
Speaker 3: if you've got to medicate, you got to go have

475
00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:32,200
Speaker 3: a cigarette, whatever you normally do. Cool. But the next day,

476
00:22:32,240 --> 00:22:34,400
Speaker 3: when you're well rested, you've had a glass of water,

477
00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:37,600
Speaker 3: you're hydrated, you know, you haven't read a bad text message,

478
00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:40,080
Speaker 3: your bad email. Yet you're in a good place. Voluntarily

479
00:22:40,119 --> 00:22:42,000
Speaker 3: go back into that. Maybe pull out a journal and

480
00:22:42,040 --> 00:22:45,640
Speaker 3: be like, what is it about my family situation that's there?

481
00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:47,600
Speaker 3: And now you're in a good place to peel back

482
00:22:47,640 --> 00:22:51,920
Speaker 3: these layers and voluntarily lean into a trigger. And once

483
00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:54,240
Speaker 3: we lean into it, that's the way it's actually going

484
00:22:54,280 --> 00:22:57,080
Speaker 3: to heal. And then once it heals, we'll have room

485
00:22:57,119 --> 00:22:58,800
Speaker 3: for something new to come. It's never going to be

486
00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:00,960
Speaker 3: I've healed and I live ever after. We're not. We

487
00:23:00,960 --> 00:23:03,560
Speaker 3: don't live this linear life. It's a cycle. And as

488
00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:06,200
Speaker 3: you said, like you thought you can handle stuff until

489
00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:08,840
Speaker 3: something new came. That's not a feeling on your part.

490
00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:11,440
Speaker 3: That's the next level for you to build that strength

491
00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:13,600
Speaker 3: and then as you as you've come out of that,

492
00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:16,240
Speaker 3: which I've definitely seen you have, and you've come out

493
00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:18,919
Speaker 3: much more wise, much more strong, and much more compassionate,

494
00:23:19,040 --> 00:23:22,000
Speaker 3: much more kind to yourself and other people. Now something

495
00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:24,760
Speaker 3: new may come, a new curveball may come, and as

496
00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:27,320
Speaker 3: you continue practicing your swing, you'll be able to handle

497
00:23:27,320 --> 00:23:29,639
Speaker 3: that as well. And that's what I believe our mental

498
00:23:29,640 --> 00:23:32,119
Speaker 3: health should be, should be this confidence that, hey, it

499
00:23:32,200 --> 00:23:35,040
Speaker 3: will be hard, but I'm not afraid of heart. Having

500
00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:38,600
Speaker 3: a hard day does not mean I've experienced trauma. Having

501
00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:41,120
Speaker 3: a person that is difficult to be with doesn't instantly

502
00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:43,600
Speaker 3: make them toxic. You know, we've got to this point

503
00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:45,760
Speaker 3: where mental health awareness has increased, but we may have

504
00:23:45,840 --> 00:23:48,920
Speaker 3: swung the pendulumvel too far where now we've created identities

505
00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:51,880
Speaker 3: out of these things. Let's not create an identity. It's okay,

506
00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:55,600
Speaker 3: things are going to be challenging and let's train and

507
00:23:55,720 --> 00:23:58,320
Speaker 3: trust ourselves to handle it. And that's only going to

508
00:23:58,359 --> 00:23:59,200
Speaker 3: come through practice.

509
00:23:59,320 --> 00:24:01,520
Speaker 1: So in England, I remember when I was at school,

510
00:24:01,560 --> 00:24:03,840
Speaker 1: we'd have fire drills, right and even here you have

511
00:24:03,880 --> 00:24:07,360
Speaker 1: a fire drill and it's like that fire drill may

512
00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:10,320
Speaker 1: or may never come like the real thing may or

513
00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:13,080
Speaker 1: may never come, but you're prepared, yes, and now you

514
00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:15,080
Speaker 1: know that even in the face of a fire drill,

515
00:24:15,160 --> 00:24:17,080
Speaker 1: you know what to do, you know what the exit is,

516
00:24:17,520 --> 00:24:19,639
Speaker 1: you know what to take one not to take, you

517
00:24:19,680 --> 00:24:22,120
Speaker 1: know where to line up outside school, whatever it may be.

518
00:24:22,440 --> 00:24:24,360
Speaker 1: And I think that's what it is for life. It's

519
00:24:24,359 --> 00:24:27,680
Speaker 1: almost like you can't fire drill everything, because that's where

520
00:24:27,720 --> 00:24:29,600
Speaker 1: anxiety comes from too, because you're like, I'm going to

521
00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:32,600
Speaker 1: prepare for everything possibly bad that could happen, and that

522
00:24:32,600 --> 00:24:35,480
Speaker 1: could be an unlimited list. But at the same time,

523
00:24:35,480 --> 00:24:38,560
Speaker 1: it's having the confidence that I've built the skills to

524
00:24:38,720 --> 00:24:41,320
Speaker 1: know I can deal with certain things. And by the way,

525
00:24:41,359 --> 00:24:43,439
Speaker 1: there will be curveboards that I don't have a clue with.

526
00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:46,000
Speaker 1: I want to go back to what you said about family.

527
00:24:46,960 --> 00:24:49,680
Speaker 1: What do you do when the family that, as you said,

528
00:24:49,760 --> 00:24:53,000
Speaker 1: installed the buttons, when they push them, what do you do?

529
00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:56,840
Speaker 3: I think immediately in terms of managing them, you know,

530
00:24:56,880 --> 00:24:59,480
Speaker 3: before we worry about growing through it. The magic word

531
00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:02,200
Speaker 3: is going to be boundaries. And I think what's important

532
00:25:02,280 --> 00:25:04,720
Speaker 3: is we define boundaries in a way that matters. Boundaries

533
00:25:04,760 --> 00:25:07,040
Speaker 3: is teaching people how to be with you and your

534
00:25:07,080 --> 00:25:11,920
Speaker 3: boundaries can be universal. For example, I can have a boundary. Listen,

535
00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:14,520
Speaker 3: if you were gonna remind me of my age and

536
00:25:14,560 --> 00:25:16,800
Speaker 3: that I haven't gotten married and had any kids yet,

537
00:25:17,080 --> 00:25:19,280
Speaker 3: and that you know I'm not living out my purpose

538
00:25:19,359 --> 00:25:23,720
Speaker 3: in life, then obviously I'm not gonna call this much mom,

539
00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:25,639
Speaker 3: you know, But if anybody else does that, it's going

540
00:25:25,720 --> 00:25:28,440
Speaker 3: to be the exact same thing. It's teaching people say, listen,

541
00:25:28,480 --> 00:25:31,640
Speaker 3: this is how I expect to be treated. I'm not

542
00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:34,520
Speaker 3: telling you what to do, but if I'm not treated

543
00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:37,159
Speaker 3: this way, I probably won't be around here. And this

544
00:25:37,240 --> 00:25:39,440
Speaker 3: is what my I'm setting a standard and I'm really

545
00:25:39,480 --> 00:25:41,960
Speaker 3: teaching you how to be around me. And I think boundaries,

546
00:25:41,960 --> 00:25:43,880
Speaker 3: at the end of the day, are saying I care

547
00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:47,080
Speaker 3: about you so much that I want to improve our dynamic.

548
00:25:47,600 --> 00:25:49,520
Speaker 3: And I think that's a really important thing when it

549
00:25:49,520 --> 00:25:52,480
Speaker 3: comes to family, because that's the hardest place to set

550
00:25:52,520 --> 00:25:55,119
Speaker 3: up boundaries because everybody is so used to it. And

551
00:25:55,480 --> 00:25:58,840
Speaker 3: I'll be completely honest when somebody has hit me with boundaries,

552
00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:01,480
Speaker 3: it was uncomfortable for me. You're still used to things

553
00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:04,800
Speaker 3: being a certain way. Sudden change for anybody is not

554
00:26:04,840 --> 00:26:07,040
Speaker 3: going to be comfortable, and we have to approach this

555
00:26:07,119 --> 00:26:09,399
Speaker 3: with a lot of grace, grace for ourselves and grace

556
00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:11,480
Speaker 3: for other people. So I think boundaries is generally the

557
00:26:11,520 --> 00:26:14,560
Speaker 3: first place, and then also having context and just being like, look,

558
00:26:15,119 --> 00:26:17,320
Speaker 3: they really did try their best. When I worked with

559
00:26:17,359 --> 00:26:20,320
Speaker 3: the therapist, they were always reminding me, listen, your parents

560
00:26:20,359 --> 00:26:22,560
Speaker 3: were in survival mode. They may not have been the

561
00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:25,080
Speaker 3: most emotionally nurturing, but they were trying to put food

562
00:26:25,119 --> 00:26:26,960
Speaker 3: on the table. They were trying to make sure you

563
00:26:27,040 --> 00:26:29,800
Speaker 3: were good, you were safe, and like, that's what they

564
00:26:29,840 --> 00:26:31,959
Speaker 3: were doing. That's all the tools that they had. And

565
00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:34,399
Speaker 3: I think it's really important because what I realized, especially

566
00:26:34,400 --> 00:26:37,560
Speaker 3: in the last year, is the kinder and more gracious

567
00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:40,000
Speaker 3: I am to myself, the kinder and more gracious I

568
00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:43,199
Speaker 3: can be to other people, and vice versa. The more

569
00:26:43,240 --> 00:26:45,639
Speaker 3: I put an effort to be more understanding and kinder

570
00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:48,119
Speaker 3: to other people, the more effort I can put to

571
00:26:48,160 --> 00:26:51,479
Speaker 3: be kinder and more gracious to myself. And that's removing judgment,

572
00:26:51,520 --> 00:26:55,000
Speaker 3: which takes us back to courage through curiosity.

573
00:26:55,160 --> 00:26:57,480
Speaker 1: And that's the thing that even when you set boundaries,

574
00:26:58,480 --> 00:27:01,320
Speaker 1: that person's still going to break your boundary. If you

575
00:27:01,359 --> 00:27:03,359
Speaker 1: set the boundary, which I'm just going to use you

576
00:27:03,400 --> 00:27:05,960
Speaker 1: as as an example. If you talk to me about

577
00:27:06,040 --> 00:27:08,880
Speaker 1: getting married and having kids in all this traditional way

578
00:27:08,920 --> 00:27:12,240
Speaker 1: of living, I'm going to talk to you less. You

579
00:27:12,320 --> 00:27:14,280
Speaker 1: may find that even when you make an effort to

580
00:27:14,320 --> 00:27:16,480
Speaker 1: talk to that person, they still bring it up. You

581
00:27:16,520 --> 00:27:18,800
Speaker 1: may find whenever they get an opportunity they message you

582
00:27:18,800 --> 00:27:21,840
Speaker 1: about it. So they're going to do that anyway. I

583
00:27:21,840 --> 00:27:24,679
Speaker 1: think the challenge people have is they feel guilty for

584
00:27:24,840 --> 00:27:27,960
Speaker 1: not loving their family, not being seen as a good person.

585
00:27:28,760 --> 00:27:31,679
Speaker 1: Maybe they even feel guilty for not delivering on the

586
00:27:32,280 --> 00:27:34,840
Speaker 1: promise that they're or the expectation that their parents have,

587
00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:37,679
Speaker 1: and then that guilt and shame, which you call like

588
00:27:37,840 --> 00:27:42,040
Speaker 1: anxieties BFFs, Like it's really weird because you're like, now

589
00:27:42,080 --> 00:27:45,720
Speaker 1: going you're breaking your boundary to make yourself feel better

590
00:27:46,119 --> 00:27:48,200
Speaker 1: for how you take care of that person or because

591
00:27:48,200 --> 00:27:50,520
Speaker 1: you just love them, but now you're breaking it. But

592
00:27:50,560 --> 00:27:53,000
Speaker 1: then they upset you again, so it gets really messy,

593
00:27:53,080 --> 00:27:56,320
Speaker 1: Like how do we really define it in a way

594
00:27:56,359 --> 00:27:58,399
Speaker 1: that we go, Yes, that makes sense, now I know

595
00:27:58,400 --> 00:27:59,560
Speaker 1: why I'm going to keep it that way.

596
00:28:00,359 --> 00:28:02,520
Speaker 3: I think it's not even guilt. I think I realized

597
00:28:02,560 --> 00:28:07,639
Speaker 3: over time it's people pleasing, it's abandoning ourselves for somebody else.

598
00:28:08,040 --> 00:28:12,440
Speaker 3: I think true guilt is when we abandon who we

599
00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:14,560
Speaker 3: are based on our own values.

600
00:28:15,000 --> 00:28:15,199
Speaker 2: You know.

601
00:28:15,359 --> 00:28:18,320
Speaker 3: Let's say you were having a bad day and you

602
00:28:18,400 --> 00:28:20,400
Speaker 3: spoke to somebody that you cared about in a way

603
00:28:20,440 --> 00:28:23,119
Speaker 3: that you don't normally do, and then a little bit

604
00:28:23,200 --> 00:28:25,080
Speaker 3: time goes by, you're like, I really.

605
00:28:24,960 --> 00:28:26,639
Speaker 2: Wish I didn't do that, And that's guilt.

606
00:28:27,680 --> 00:28:31,239
Speaker 3: To me, that's authentic, that's great, that's betraying who you

607
00:28:31,359 --> 00:28:35,399
Speaker 3: authentically are. Now the idea of like, oh, well, I'm

608
00:28:35,440 --> 00:28:37,320
Speaker 3: speaking to Jay and he keeps bringing up these things

609
00:28:37,359 --> 00:28:39,280
Speaker 3: I don't want to talk about, but I really don't

610
00:28:39,320 --> 00:28:40,800
Speaker 3: want to let him down. I don't want to make

611
00:28:40,840 --> 00:28:42,800
Speaker 3: him upset because he doesn't hear from me anymore. That's

612
00:28:42,800 --> 00:28:46,080
Speaker 3: me trying to absorb your pain. That's me thinking because

613
00:28:46,160 --> 00:28:48,160
Speaker 3: a lot of us do that in childhood. We absorb

614
00:28:48,240 --> 00:28:51,640
Speaker 3: other people's pain because we don't believe in their resilience either, like, well,

615
00:28:51,680 --> 00:28:53,680
Speaker 3: I can handle it. I'll handle their pain. I don't

616
00:28:53,680 --> 00:28:55,840
Speaker 3: want to make my mom upset. I can handle their pain.

617
00:28:56,160 --> 00:28:58,719
Speaker 3: I'm robbing you of the resilience that's going to come

618
00:28:58,720 --> 00:29:02,280
Speaker 3: from you dealing with that challenge, and I'm betraying myself,

619
00:29:02,320 --> 00:29:04,719
Speaker 3: increasing my own anxious feelings. And so I think, what

620
00:29:04,760 --> 00:29:06,360
Speaker 3: we really need to do, And I have a quote

621
00:29:06,360 --> 00:29:10,640
Speaker 3: the book, you can't guilt a caterpillar into becoming a butterfly.

622
00:29:11,240 --> 00:29:13,200
Speaker 3: You know, we can't speed any of this up. So

623
00:29:13,240 --> 00:29:15,440
Speaker 3: I really think sometimes when we use this word guilt,

624
00:29:15,560 --> 00:29:18,120
Speaker 3: it really goes around us romanticizing some of these things.

625
00:29:18,120 --> 00:29:21,280
Speaker 3: But really what it is it's people pleasing. It's wanting

626
00:29:21,280 --> 00:29:24,040
Speaker 3: people to like us at the expense of us ever

627
00:29:24,160 --> 00:29:28,720
Speaker 3: actually experiencing any real love. Establishing boundaries and then honoring

628
00:29:28,760 --> 00:29:32,200
Speaker 3: your own boundaries. That's being your best friend, that's protecting

629
00:29:32,240 --> 00:29:34,400
Speaker 3: yourself to a level. And as I said, this is

630
00:29:34,480 --> 00:29:36,440
Speaker 3: just the beginning to manage it. At the end of

631
00:29:36,480 --> 00:29:39,280
Speaker 3: the day, the secret here isn't to avoid these people,

632
00:29:39,640 --> 00:29:43,280
Speaker 3: is to open a dialogue, open more vulnerability, build the connection,

633
00:29:43,440 --> 00:29:46,880
Speaker 3: figure out where they're coming from, and strengthen the relationship. Accordingly,

634
00:29:46,920 --> 00:29:48,800
Speaker 3: it's not we don't want to get to this point

635
00:29:48,840 --> 00:29:51,920
Speaker 3: where anybody who presents any type of struggle or challenge

636
00:29:51,920 --> 00:29:54,280
Speaker 3: for us we just continually cut them off from our lives,

637
00:29:54,640 --> 00:29:56,680
Speaker 3: because this is just us rearranging our life to make

638
00:29:56,720 --> 00:29:59,160
Speaker 3: it easier. No, we got to lean into the challenges,

639
00:29:59,240 --> 00:30:01,520
Speaker 3: but just immediately, the boundaries got to be the first step.

640
00:30:01,880 --> 00:30:05,320
Speaker 1: That's a great redefinition like that understanding. I don't think

641
00:30:05,320 --> 00:30:08,360
Speaker 1: I've ever heard anyone say that before about that difference

642
00:30:08,360 --> 00:30:10,400
Speaker 1: between authentic guilt and people pleasing.

643
00:30:10,720 --> 00:30:11,680
Speaker 2: Because you're so right.

644
00:30:11,720 --> 00:30:15,440
Speaker 1: That resonated completely, that idea that if I was if

645
00:30:15,480 --> 00:30:17,800
Speaker 1: I was rude to someone, I would think about that

646
00:30:17,800 --> 00:30:20,360
Speaker 1: the whole day because I'd be upset because I know

647
00:30:20,440 --> 00:30:23,720
Speaker 1: that's not who I am. It's very different to like, oh,

648
00:30:23,720 --> 00:30:25,880
Speaker 1: I want to make sure that that person likes me again,

649
00:30:26,400 --> 00:30:28,320
Speaker 1: and that I hope that they Yeah, it's such a

650
00:30:28,720 --> 00:30:31,160
Speaker 1: such a great redefinition and one of the biggest places

651
00:30:31,440 --> 00:30:34,040
Speaker 1: we fit it as home, as you say, but we

652
00:30:34,080 --> 00:30:37,040
Speaker 1: also feel it with our friends. And you talk about

653
00:30:37,080 --> 00:30:41,040
Speaker 1: how anxious friends equals anxious you. To challenge today is

654
00:30:41,240 --> 00:30:44,280
Speaker 1: a lot of our friends are anxious. If we get

655
00:30:44,360 --> 00:30:46,760
Speaker 1: rid of all of our anxious friends, we may not

656
00:30:46,880 --> 00:30:48,560
Speaker 1: have any friends left.

657
00:30:48,880 --> 00:30:50,320
Speaker 2: So what do we do?

658
00:30:50,360 --> 00:30:52,320
Speaker 1: Because I feel like, also all of our friends have

659
00:30:52,400 --> 00:30:55,960
Speaker 1: different anxieties. Someone's anxious about their career, someone's anxious about

660
00:30:55,960 --> 00:30:59,720
Speaker 1: their relationship, someone anxious about their appearance. Someone's anxious about this,

661
00:31:00,720 --> 00:31:02,640
Speaker 1: how do you deal with an anxious friend?

662
00:31:02,800 --> 00:31:05,400
Speaker 3: When we started talking about the specifics of like I

663
00:31:05,400 --> 00:31:08,280
Speaker 3: have anxious feelings around my job, anxious feelings around my parents,

664
00:31:08,520 --> 00:31:10,640
Speaker 3: what we're still saying is, you know this anxiety around

665
00:31:10,640 --> 00:31:13,640
Speaker 3: things out of our control, anxious feelings about things that

666
00:31:13,720 --> 00:31:17,120
Speaker 3: remind us of previous danger, anxious feelings about things that

667
00:31:17,200 --> 00:31:20,440
Speaker 3: feel unfamiliar. And I think these become the headings that

668
00:31:20,480 --> 00:31:23,360
Speaker 3: we can connect on if I'm vulnerable with you. When

669
00:31:23,360 --> 00:31:26,800
Speaker 3: I share a vulnerable story, I'm generally going to be

670
00:31:26,880 --> 00:31:29,120
Speaker 3: nervous about it because I'm afraid that you're going to

671
00:31:29,200 --> 00:31:31,200
Speaker 3: judge me. And I'm sure your listeners have been in

672
00:31:31,200 --> 00:31:33,640
Speaker 3: that situation. But the vast majority of the time that

673
00:31:33,680 --> 00:31:36,920
Speaker 3: we're vulnerable with somebody, we're inviting them to be vulnerable

674
00:31:36,960 --> 00:31:38,880
Speaker 3: with us. In the book, I talk about this idea

675
00:31:38,920 --> 00:31:43,040
Speaker 3: of my friend in Berlin inviting me to a spa

676
00:31:43,600 --> 00:31:46,000
Speaker 3: and I was excited to go to this spa and

677
00:31:46,240 --> 00:31:51,440
Speaker 3: had hurt my shoulder dragging a broken suitcase. And we're

678
00:31:51,480 --> 00:31:52,600
Speaker 3: on the way to the spa and he goes, I

679
00:31:52,600 --> 00:31:54,240
Speaker 3: love how open minded you are, and I was like,

680
00:31:54,280 --> 00:31:56,640
Speaker 3: why are you thanking me for being open minded. And

681
00:31:56,640 --> 00:31:59,320
Speaker 3: then I realized he mixed up the word spa with sauna,

682
00:31:59,640 --> 00:32:03,160
Speaker 3: and we are going to an all nude sauna and

683
00:32:03,320 --> 00:32:05,960
Speaker 3: I'm about to see and this is the longest friendship

684
00:32:05,960 --> 00:32:07,800
Speaker 3: I've ever had. I've been his friends since we're three.

685
00:32:08,280 --> 00:32:10,160
Speaker 3: So I'm about to see him naked and a whole

686
00:32:10,200 --> 00:32:13,160
Speaker 3: bunch of other people naked in Berlin and the voices,

687
00:32:13,200 --> 00:32:15,160
Speaker 3: and I realized I wasn't afraid of being naked. I

688
00:32:15,200 --> 00:32:18,480
Speaker 3: was afraid of being judged and afraid of standing out,

689
00:32:18,760 --> 00:32:21,480
Speaker 3: afraid of not understanding a custom. How this is going

690
00:32:21,560 --> 00:32:24,480
Speaker 3: to work. I'm in a different continent. And the first thing,

691
00:32:24,920 --> 00:32:27,800
Speaker 3: you know that helped was admitting to him because he

692
00:32:28,000 --> 00:32:30,080
Speaker 3: had just propped me up, saying, you're so open minded.

693
00:32:30,080 --> 00:32:32,040
Speaker 3: I love that you're willing to do this. I didn't

694
00:32:32,040 --> 00:32:34,040
Speaker 3: want to let him down. My people pleasing started to

695
00:32:34,080 --> 00:32:36,520
Speaker 3: come up, but I'm like, look, now that you've clarified

696
00:32:36,520 --> 00:32:38,600
Speaker 3: what this is like and this is not just a

697
00:32:38,640 --> 00:32:42,680
Speaker 3: candlelight massage, I'm very nervous. And his response was I'm

698
00:32:42,720 --> 00:32:46,120
Speaker 3: nervous too, and we strengthened the connection and it wasn't

699
00:32:46,160 --> 00:32:48,480
Speaker 3: the easiest experience. But we got through it and it

700
00:32:48,520 --> 00:32:51,520
Speaker 3: was a funny story, and you had to realize every

701
00:32:51,680 --> 00:32:55,160
Speaker 3: thing that makes us interesting is a challenge that we've

702
00:32:55,200 --> 00:32:58,280
Speaker 3: made ourselves go through. And I think the first step again,

703
00:32:58,280 --> 00:32:59,800
Speaker 3: and I'm always gonna say this is the first step,

704
00:33:00,080 --> 00:33:03,360
Speaker 3: not the absolute solution. It's going to be sharing your

705
00:33:03,440 --> 00:33:06,200
Speaker 3: anxious feelings in a way that you don't want identify

706
00:33:06,280 --> 00:33:08,440
Speaker 3: with them. I'm encouraging people and I got this from

707
00:33:08,440 --> 00:33:12,480
Speaker 3: Melo Robbins. Don't say I'm anxious, say I feel anxious

708
00:33:12,520 --> 00:33:15,960
Speaker 3: because and that allows you to be a human having

709
00:33:16,000 --> 00:33:19,640
Speaker 3: an emotion and trying your best to figure out why

710
00:33:19,920 --> 00:33:22,680
Speaker 3: I feel anxious because I'm about to be naked in

711
00:33:22,720 --> 00:33:24,760
Speaker 3: front of you and a whole bunch of other people

712
00:33:25,080 --> 00:33:27,360
Speaker 3: in this country, and I don't know if people are

713
00:33:27,360 --> 00:33:29,280
Speaker 3: going to judge me or what have you. And I

714
00:33:29,320 --> 00:33:33,360
Speaker 3: think that invites connection and if you get and someone

715
00:33:33,400 --> 00:33:35,760
Speaker 3: else will be like, oh, I feel anxious because I

716
00:33:35,800 --> 00:33:37,680
Speaker 3: don't know if I have job security. And now we

717
00:33:37,720 --> 00:33:41,120
Speaker 3: can talk about it, and once we start revealing it,

718
00:33:41,200 --> 00:33:43,360
Speaker 3: that's really the first step to healing, you know, jay

719
00:33:43,400 --> 00:33:45,680
Speaker 3: Z said it, because you can't heal what you don't reveal.

720
00:33:46,120 --> 00:33:48,360
Speaker 3: And we all know there's a value to this, because

721
00:33:48,440 --> 00:33:51,040
Speaker 3: every single person has felt super stressed in their brain

722
00:33:51,920 --> 00:33:53,560
Speaker 3: about how much things they have to do, and then

723
00:33:53,560 --> 00:33:55,280
Speaker 3: they're write down the to do list and it's like

724
00:33:55,320 --> 00:33:57,440
Speaker 3: three things, and they're like, why did that feel so

725
00:33:57,480 --> 00:34:00,680
Speaker 3: heavy in my brain? It's just getting it out is important.

726
00:34:01,040 --> 00:34:03,520
Speaker 3: And we are, again in a society that structures a

727
00:34:03,560 --> 00:34:08,080
Speaker 3: lot of individualism, a lot of isolation. We need community.

728
00:34:08,320 --> 00:34:10,720
Speaker 3: It's not, as I said, it's not about cutting off

729
00:34:11,120 --> 00:34:14,200
Speaker 3: your friends who feel anxious. Everybody feels anxious, and we

730
00:34:14,239 --> 00:34:17,399
Speaker 3: probably shouldn't label them as our anxious friends. However, if

731
00:34:17,400 --> 00:34:20,600
Speaker 3: they decide to cling onto the identity and they are

732
00:34:20,600 --> 00:34:24,560
Speaker 3: more interested in proving how hard life is versus looking

733
00:34:24,600 --> 00:34:27,160
Speaker 3: at it as an opportunity to improve from it, then

734
00:34:27,200 --> 00:34:29,319
Speaker 3: that definitely is a friendship worth reevaluating.

735
00:34:29,680 --> 00:34:33,360
Speaker 1: Explain how this friend did not know the difference between

736
00:34:33,440 --> 00:34:35,520
Speaker 1: his spat.

737
00:34:35,719 --> 00:34:37,319
Speaker 2: I believe it was.

738
00:34:39,280 --> 00:34:42,399
Speaker 3: You know what, yeah, he I honestly believe. He had

739
00:34:42,480 --> 00:34:44,640
Speaker 3: lived in Germany for eight years at that point, born

740
00:34:44,680 --> 00:34:47,359
Speaker 3: and raised in Canada, across the street from me. He's

741
00:34:47,360 --> 00:34:50,400
Speaker 3: of Jamaican descent, and he had gotten married and they

742
00:34:50,400 --> 00:34:52,759
Speaker 3: both moved to Berlin together, and I guess maybe eight

743
00:34:52,840 --> 00:34:55,799
Speaker 3: years of him not speaking English every day, but it

744
00:34:55,880 --> 00:35:00,560
Speaker 3: was most definitely I remember it vividly taking one of

745
00:35:00,560 --> 00:35:02,400
Speaker 3: my parents' suitcases back then, because this is when I

746
00:35:02,440 --> 00:35:04,600
Speaker 3: just started traveling, and you know, my parents bought us,

747
00:35:04,680 --> 00:35:07,399
Speaker 3: you know, like six pieces for like thirty bucks, like cheap.

748
00:35:07,560 --> 00:35:10,120
Speaker 3: Don't buy cheap luggage. There's a reason. And the wheel

749
00:35:10,160 --> 00:35:12,680
Speaker 3: broke off and I was in London and I was

750
00:35:12,800 --> 00:35:15,560
Speaker 3: dragging it up the stairs from the tube and I

751
00:35:15,560 --> 00:35:17,000
Speaker 3: had pulled a muscle in my shoulder and I was

752
00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:19,120
Speaker 3: so excited for a massage and he said. I remember,

753
00:35:19,160 --> 00:35:20,719
Speaker 3: She's like, yeah, we're gonna go to the SPA. It's

754
00:35:20,719 --> 00:35:23,600
Speaker 3: gonna be great. It was definitely him not speaking enough

755
00:35:23,600 --> 00:35:26,399
Speaker 3: English for eight years, and it totally and it ended

756
00:35:26,480 --> 00:35:29,120
Speaker 3: up becoming a situation where you know, now it's a

757
00:35:29,160 --> 00:35:32,000
Speaker 3: great story, but all the emotions were there and it

758
00:35:32,040 --> 00:35:34,720
Speaker 3: didn't get easier the moment I was there. The longer

759
00:35:34,800 --> 00:35:38,160
Speaker 3: I stayed there, the more my body was able to trust, Okay,

760
00:35:38,200 --> 00:35:40,160
Speaker 3: this is the thing again, and this is the big thing.

761
00:35:40,640 --> 00:35:43,680
Speaker 3: Our brains will understand this immediately, our bodies have to

762
00:35:43,719 --> 00:35:45,759
Speaker 3: catch up. And the way to reinforce it with our

763
00:35:45,800 --> 00:35:49,360
Speaker 3: bodies is through practice. We have to practice this. We

764
00:35:49,400 --> 00:35:51,640
Speaker 3: can't just hear an inspirational quote once and be like,

765
00:35:51,680 --> 00:35:54,040
Speaker 3: all right, I figured it out. We have to practice.

766
00:35:54,120 --> 00:35:56,120
Speaker 2: So you're encouraging everyone goes to it needs fun.

767
00:35:56,440 --> 00:36:00,759
Speaker 3: Definitely going to go to an as but definitely, yeah,

768
00:36:00,840 --> 00:36:02,360
Speaker 3: ud do the things we're like, I can't do this.

769
00:36:02,400 --> 00:36:04,879
Speaker 3: When you voluntarily do something that you think I can't do.

770
00:36:04,840 --> 00:36:06,640
Speaker 2: It's the same as sitting in the cold. What you did,

771
00:36:06,719 --> 00:36:07,120
Speaker 2: I mean.

772
00:36:07,080 --> 00:36:09,239
Speaker 3: Sitting in the cold. Definitely want of those things. And

773
00:36:09,520 --> 00:36:11,480
Speaker 3: even that, what I've realized too is like, you know,

774
00:36:11,719 --> 00:36:14,040
Speaker 3: got to go to poland got to train in the cold,

775
00:36:14,320 --> 00:36:16,680
Speaker 3: you know, at the invite of Lewis house, and the

776
00:36:16,719 --> 00:36:18,920
Speaker 3: irony of that was like, you know, sitting with Mike

777
00:36:18,960 --> 00:36:22,320
Speaker 3: Poulsner in the ice for ten minutes freestyle wrapping, feeling

778
00:36:22,360 --> 00:36:25,120
Speaker 3: like I'm the most resilient person ever. Fast forward six

779
00:36:25,160 --> 00:36:29,040
Speaker 3: months ago, I am in asana with Lewis and we're

780
00:36:29,080 --> 00:36:30,839
Speaker 3: just chatting. He goes, you want to take a dip

781
00:36:30,840 --> 00:36:34,200
Speaker 3: in the pool. So this is October in la and

782
00:36:34,239 --> 00:36:35,640
Speaker 3: I went in the pool and I couldn't stay in

783
00:36:35,680 --> 00:36:38,919
Speaker 3: for ten seconds because I didn't keep practicing. Yeah, there's

784
00:36:38,960 --> 00:36:41,640
Speaker 3: a value to the practice, but if you don't keep practicing,

785
00:36:41,640 --> 00:36:44,120
Speaker 3: and in terms of having self compassion, that's okay.

786
00:36:44,360 --> 00:36:44,560
Speaker 2: Yeah.

787
00:36:44,640 --> 00:36:45,799
Speaker 3: I used to be able to sit in the ice

788
00:36:45,840 --> 00:36:48,040
Speaker 3: for ten minutes. Now I can take a cold shower

789
00:36:48,120 --> 00:36:50,880
Speaker 3: for three seconds. But I can get back there through practice.

790
00:36:50,880 --> 00:36:52,880
Speaker 3: My doll just went back the other way, and I

791
00:36:52,880 --> 00:36:55,440
Speaker 3: think that's really important. We have seasons, seasons where we

792
00:36:55,440 --> 00:36:57,920
Speaker 3: can be more resilient and build more resilience, and then

793
00:36:57,960 --> 00:36:59,840
Speaker 3: we have seasons where it's like, no, I'm just in survival.

794
00:37:00,440 --> 00:37:02,359
Speaker 3: I can just do the bare minimum. And I think

795
00:37:02,360 --> 00:37:03,520
Speaker 3: that's absolutely okay.

796
00:37:03,680 --> 00:37:04,160
Speaker 2: I agree.

797
00:37:04,200 --> 00:37:06,680
Speaker 3: Yeah, we create so much extra tension with these expectations

798
00:37:06,719 --> 00:37:09,200
Speaker 3: we have of ourselves, and it doesn't.

799
00:37:08,880 --> 00:37:11,440
Speaker 1: Help, especially when you lock in a new habit. Then

800
00:37:11,480 --> 00:37:14,040
Speaker 1: when it breaks, you're just beating yourself up about not

801
00:37:14,120 --> 00:37:16,840
Speaker 1: having that habit. So like, I've been working out consistently

802
00:37:16,880 --> 00:37:19,200
Speaker 1: this year, probably like four or five times a week,

803
00:37:19,239 --> 00:37:21,200
Speaker 1: and I feel great, and then last week I was

804
00:37:21,200 --> 00:37:23,799
Speaker 1: on the road and I genuinely just couldn't work out.

805
00:37:23,800 --> 00:37:26,520
Speaker 1: I was in a different city every day, I was

806
00:37:26,560 --> 00:37:28,759
Speaker 1: barely in the hotel. I would have been having to

807
00:37:28,760 --> 00:37:31,520
Speaker 1: work out like ten pm or something, and I prioritized

808
00:37:31,600 --> 00:37:34,520
Speaker 1: my sleep over my workout, and there was a part

809
00:37:34,520 --> 00:37:37,160
Speaker 1: of me that was just beating myself up, going, ah, man,

810
00:37:37,200 --> 00:37:39,920
Speaker 1: you just missed four days. You didn't work out, Like,

811
00:37:40,280 --> 00:37:42,440
Speaker 1: oh man, you know you have got the discipline.

812
00:37:42,480 --> 00:37:43,080
Speaker 2: Whatever it is.

813
00:37:43,400 --> 00:37:44,879
Speaker 1: That doesn't make you want to get back on it,

814
00:37:45,280 --> 00:37:47,319
Speaker 1: That just makes you feel worse. Whereas then I gave

815
00:37:47,360 --> 00:37:48,920
Speaker 1: myself grace by the end of it, and I was like, look,

816
00:37:48,960 --> 00:37:51,799
Speaker 1: you know what, I needed some time off. I also

817
00:37:51,880 --> 00:37:54,160
Speaker 1: slept really well. I also didn't get sick because I

818
00:37:54,200 --> 00:37:56,480
Speaker 1: wasn't pushing myself. And by the way, I'm really excited

819
00:37:56,480 --> 00:37:58,000
Speaker 1: to get back to working out this week when I'm

820
00:37:58,040 --> 00:38:00,560
Speaker 1: home because I've had a bit of break and my

821
00:38:00,560 --> 00:38:02,680
Speaker 1: body needed it while I was traveling, and all of

822
00:38:02,680 --> 00:38:05,720
Speaker 1: a sudden, you're refreshed. And so there's so much truth

823
00:38:05,760 --> 00:38:09,600
Speaker 1: in the fact that guilt blocks growth. You don't guilt

824
00:38:09,640 --> 00:38:13,080
Speaker 1: yourself into becoming better. It doesn't work that way. You

825
00:38:13,200 --> 00:38:15,680
Speaker 1: encourage yourself, like you got to talk to yourself. I

826
00:38:15,680 --> 00:38:17,960
Speaker 1: think they've done studies where they looked at how teachers

827
00:38:17,960 --> 00:38:19,680
Speaker 1: talk to students, and you used to be a teacher.

828
00:38:20,320 --> 00:38:22,520
Speaker 1: Teachers who just told their students that they weren't small.

829
00:38:22,600 --> 00:38:25,200
Speaker 1: They didn't figure it out. That never made a student better.

830
00:38:25,560 --> 00:38:29,200
Speaker 1: Student who believed that their teacher believed in them made

831
00:38:29,239 --> 00:38:31,600
Speaker 1: a huge difference to their result in their psychology.

832
00:38:31,640 --> 00:38:33,800
Speaker 3: Absolutely, the big lesson that we were taught when speaking

833
00:38:33,840 --> 00:38:37,520
Speaker 3: with children was addressed the behavior, not the student. So

834
00:38:37,719 --> 00:38:39,480
Speaker 3: if a student was doing something that they shouldn't be

835
00:38:39,520 --> 00:38:42,920
Speaker 3: doing it, you'd be like, hey, that choice. I'm not

836
00:38:42,960 --> 00:38:45,400
Speaker 3: a fan of that choice. Can we can we crumple

837
00:38:45,440 --> 00:38:47,200
Speaker 3: up that choice and throw it in the garbage. You

838
00:38:47,200 --> 00:38:50,200
Speaker 3: you're a great person, but I can't see how great

839
00:38:50,239 --> 00:38:52,880
Speaker 3: you are when you make that choice. And I realized

840
00:38:52,880 --> 00:38:55,279
Speaker 3: that when we speak to ourselves, we're still speaking to

841
00:38:55,280 --> 00:38:56,920
Speaker 3: a little eight year old inside of us. There'sn't in

842
00:38:56,960 --> 00:38:59,120
Speaker 3: a child there that needs to be spoken with love

843
00:38:59,120 --> 00:39:02,799
Speaker 3: and grace. It's not coddling, it's actually realizing that we

844
00:39:02,920 --> 00:39:05,080
Speaker 3: have to be our own best friend. We have to

845
00:39:05,160 --> 00:39:07,719
Speaker 3: be our own biggest advocate and viewer through the lens

846
00:39:07,800 --> 00:39:11,360
Speaker 3: of is it helpful? Is it really helpful? Especially for

847
00:39:11,440 --> 00:39:13,479
Speaker 3: folks who are like self employed, are trying to do things?

848
00:39:13,600 --> 00:39:16,520
Speaker 3: Is it helpful to continually guilt yourself to do stuff?

849
00:39:16,600 --> 00:39:19,360
Speaker 3: Do you get better results that way? Is it taking

850
00:39:19,400 --> 00:39:21,200
Speaker 3: you where you want to go? Or can we have

851
00:39:21,239 --> 00:39:23,960
Speaker 3: the conversation of like, hey, okay, you know what, you

852
00:39:24,000 --> 00:39:25,920
Speaker 3: were making a lot of progress working out. You know,

853
00:39:25,960 --> 00:39:28,120
Speaker 3: you were seeing great things happen, and now all of

854
00:39:28,120 --> 00:39:30,600
Speaker 3: a sudden you got to go on tour and now

855
00:39:30,680 --> 00:39:33,200
Speaker 3: it may be eating room service and it may be

856
00:39:33,320 --> 00:39:36,359
Speaker 3: sleeping in different time zones, and that's okay, that's what

857
00:39:36,400 --> 00:39:38,880
Speaker 3: this requires, and then we'll get back to the other

858
00:39:38,920 --> 00:39:41,919
Speaker 3: stuff and that's totally good. And for me it's always like, hey,

859
00:39:42,000 --> 00:39:44,640
Speaker 3: maybe one more game of FIFA before we start. And

860
00:39:44,680 --> 00:39:46,399
Speaker 3: then for me, the big one was like, hey, let's

861
00:39:46,440 --> 00:39:49,279
Speaker 3: go back in our history. You've been humbled upon with

862
00:39:49,320 --> 00:39:52,280
Speaker 3: self employed for well fifteen years now. Have you ever

863
00:39:52,440 --> 00:39:54,960
Speaker 3: played too many video games and messed up? Did you

864
00:39:55,080 --> 00:39:57,200
Speaker 3: ever mess up a deadline? Did you ever mess up

865
00:39:57,200 --> 00:40:00,239
Speaker 3: an opportunity because you played too many video games? No? Us,

866
00:40:00,239 --> 00:40:03,879
Speaker 3: trust us. Let's trust ourselves. Go back into your own

867
00:40:03,960 --> 00:40:07,160
Speaker 3: history and let that be the support and to speak

868
00:40:07,200 --> 00:40:09,560
Speaker 3: to these words because a lot of these voices are

869
00:40:09,560 --> 00:40:11,840
Speaker 3: not ours. They sound like us. They were both written

870
00:40:11,880 --> 00:40:14,920
Speaker 3: by other people, these criticisms for somebody else, and they

871
00:40:15,000 --> 00:40:17,000
Speaker 3: just sound like they're our voice. And we give them value.

872
00:40:17,080 --> 00:40:19,560
Speaker 3: We don't have to believe everything we think, because those

873
00:40:19,560 --> 00:40:21,640
Speaker 3: thoughts are often there just to keep us in staces.

874
00:40:21,719 --> 00:40:23,880
Speaker 3: It's like, well, we're going to try to scare you

875
00:40:24,040 --> 00:40:26,239
Speaker 3: guilty to stay where you are because if you try

876
00:40:26,280 --> 00:40:28,680
Speaker 3: something new, we consider something new dangerous.

877
00:40:28,880 --> 00:40:29,600
Speaker 2: Yeah, and it's not.

878
00:40:29,840 --> 00:40:31,640
Speaker 1: It leads nicely on the next thing I wanted to

879
00:40:31,640 --> 00:40:35,400
Speaker 1: pick out, which you said, don't should all over yourself.

880
00:40:36,040 --> 00:40:38,680
Speaker 1: So I should be more productive, I should be happier.

881
00:40:39,040 --> 00:40:41,120
Speaker 1: I should have this figured out by now. I should

882
00:40:41,120 --> 00:40:43,840
Speaker 1: work out five days a week even when I'm traveling.

883
00:40:44,160 --> 00:40:46,440
Speaker 1: I should never make mistakes. I should be in a

884
00:40:46,520 --> 00:40:50,200
Speaker 1: relationship by now. I think we have so many should

885
00:40:50,640 --> 00:40:54,760
Speaker 1: and should, as you clearly say, doesn't create a shift.

886
00:40:54,880 --> 00:40:57,200
Speaker 1: None of us do more when we think we should

887
00:40:57,239 --> 00:40:59,799
Speaker 1: do something. And you know what, don't you feel this

888
00:40:59,840 --> 00:41:01,799
Speaker 1: way that we all know what we need to do.

889
00:41:02,239 --> 00:41:04,719
Speaker 1: Even when I'm giving a keynote, I'm recording a podcast,

890
00:41:04,920 --> 00:41:08,279
Speaker 1: it might I'm thinking everyone already knows what they need

891
00:41:08,320 --> 00:41:11,120
Speaker 1: to do. Most people, unless you do something specific, like

892
00:41:11,400 --> 00:41:12,880
Speaker 1: I'm trying to figure out how to build a business

893
00:41:12,920 --> 00:41:14,400
Speaker 1: and I need to I don't. I may not know,

894
00:41:15,080 --> 00:41:17,040
Speaker 1: but most of us know what we need to change

895
00:41:17,040 --> 00:41:19,120
Speaker 1: in our life, like we're actually quite aware of it.

896
00:41:19,920 --> 00:41:25,920
Speaker 1: What is the block? From I know to I am?

897
00:41:26,280 --> 00:41:28,600
Speaker 1: And in the middle, it's like, the should is what

898
00:41:28,760 --> 00:41:31,839
Speaker 1: ruins it? Almost right, we keep saying I should work

899
00:41:31,840 --> 00:41:34,160
Speaker 1: out four times a week because we know we should.

900
00:41:34,960 --> 00:41:36,840
Speaker 1: But then why is the should the block?

901
00:41:37,239 --> 00:41:39,879
Speaker 3: I think the should is the language of perfectionism, And

902
00:41:40,040 --> 00:41:42,080
Speaker 3: you know, it's the idea that everything needs to be

903
00:41:42,120 --> 00:41:46,080
Speaker 3: perfect because we're afraid. And one thing that we do

904
00:41:46,120 --> 00:41:49,040
Speaker 3: to try to counter this fear is have control. So

905
00:41:49,040 --> 00:41:52,160
Speaker 3: it should become the language perfectionism. Perfectionism gives us the

906
00:41:52,200 --> 00:41:56,200
Speaker 3: illusion of control, but the reality is perfectionism isn't about

907
00:41:56,200 --> 00:42:00,880
Speaker 3: making things better, it's about finding flaws easier. So what

908
00:42:00,880 --> 00:42:03,719
Speaker 3: we start to do is constantly look for flaws and

909
00:42:03,760 --> 00:42:06,440
Speaker 3: that way that keeps us from having to do stuff right.

910
00:42:06,520 --> 00:42:08,080
Speaker 3: So a lot of it's the same way I'm saying,

911
00:42:08,120 --> 00:42:10,480
Speaker 3: curiosity is courage in disguise. A lot of this is

912
00:42:10,480 --> 00:42:13,120
Speaker 3: fear in disguise. You know what it really what we're

913
00:42:13,160 --> 00:42:15,160
Speaker 3: really just addressing is the fact that we're scared. And

914
00:42:15,200 --> 00:42:18,680
Speaker 3: here's the thing, It's okay to be scared. And what

915
00:42:18,719 --> 00:42:21,480
Speaker 3: I would encourage anyone to look at is like, maybe

916
00:42:21,520 --> 00:42:23,520
Speaker 3: the step you're trying to take is just too big,

917
00:42:24,160 --> 00:42:26,000
Speaker 3: and maybe we've got to break it down in something

918
00:42:26,000 --> 00:42:28,759
Speaker 3: a little bit more manageable, into baby steps. And if

919
00:42:28,760 --> 00:42:31,400
Speaker 3: those baby steps feel too big, let's do micro baby steps.

920
00:42:31,400 --> 00:42:34,240
Speaker 3: Then let's do micro baby tiptoes. Let's keep going smaller

921
00:42:34,280 --> 00:42:37,839
Speaker 3: and smaller until that next step feels manageable, because the

922
00:42:37,840 --> 00:42:40,120
Speaker 3: only thing we have to do is know what that

923
00:42:40,160 --> 00:42:42,400
Speaker 3: next step is and try it. And I think this

924
00:42:42,480 --> 00:42:44,319
Speaker 3: goes back to having grace for ourselves, and this is

925
00:42:44,320 --> 00:42:46,920
Speaker 3: why we overthink again. It goes back to this idea

926
00:42:46,960 --> 00:42:49,719
Speaker 3: that we're so afraid that we're gonna trick ourselves to

927
00:42:49,760 --> 00:42:52,560
Speaker 3: think that we're solving a problem by constantly running it

928
00:42:52,600 --> 00:42:54,920
Speaker 3: on a treadmill and going through loop and now we're

929
00:42:54,960 --> 00:42:57,480
Speaker 3: just inventing new problems to solve them. And all of

930
00:42:57,520 --> 00:43:01,160
Speaker 3: that results in nothing, but it comes to anxious feelings.

931
00:43:01,200 --> 00:43:03,319
Speaker 3: You can't think your way out of them. You have

932
00:43:03,400 --> 00:43:05,600
Speaker 3: to act your way out of them. You know, there

933
00:43:06,200 --> 00:43:08,520
Speaker 3: is something brilliant about Nike's saying, just do it. It

934
00:43:08,600 --> 00:43:11,400
Speaker 3: really is. Just do it. It really is feel to

935
00:43:11,480 --> 00:43:13,640
Speaker 3: fear and do it anyways and again, these are catchy

936
00:43:13,680 --> 00:43:16,319
Speaker 3: lines that we've heard a million times. Our body isn't

937
00:43:16,320 --> 00:43:19,120
Speaker 3: going to immediately accept them. We have to start small

938
00:43:19,640 --> 00:43:21,880
Speaker 3: and practice that every day and say, you know, for

939
00:43:21,960 --> 00:43:23,600
Speaker 3: five minutes, I am going to just do it.

940
00:43:23,840 --> 00:43:24,560
Speaker 2: I do jiu jitsu.

941
00:43:24,640 --> 00:43:27,120
Speaker 3: And it was really interesting because this actually helped, and

942
00:43:27,160 --> 00:43:30,360
Speaker 3: probably because I was in a physical situation. I'm rolling

943
00:43:30,400 --> 00:43:32,480
Speaker 3: with somebody who has many more years ahead of me,

944
00:43:32,880 --> 00:43:34,520
Speaker 3: and we're rolling and in the middle of the roll,

945
00:43:34,680 --> 00:43:38,040
Speaker 3: he goes, you're thinking too much. It's okay, we all

946
00:43:38,080 --> 00:43:42,760
Speaker 3: make mistakes. And instantly it was like, okay, stop strategizing,

947
00:43:43,360 --> 00:43:46,520
Speaker 3: just trust whatever I'm doing, knowing that I don't have

948
00:43:46,560 --> 00:43:49,000
Speaker 3: a chance against this guy regardless. But what he was

949
00:43:49,440 --> 00:43:53,040
Speaker 3: addressing was the pauses and the avoidance that I was

950
00:43:53,120 --> 00:43:56,799
Speaker 3: doing in real time. And now when I'm sending a

951
00:43:56,840 --> 00:43:59,520
Speaker 3: text message, sending an email, making a request, I keep

952
00:43:59,560 --> 00:44:03,120
Speaker 3: hearing his voice. It's like, stop thinking so much. We

953
00:44:03,280 --> 00:44:05,560
Speaker 3: all are going to make mistakes. The fear is the

954
00:44:05,560 --> 00:44:07,920
Speaker 3: mistake I might use, I might say the wrong thing.

955
00:44:07,960 --> 00:44:10,880
Speaker 3: If I ask Jake for this favor, let me reread it,

956
00:44:10,880 --> 00:44:13,240
Speaker 3: approveriate at forty five times, let me run through chat JPT.

957
00:44:13,440 --> 00:44:15,120
Speaker 3: Let me do all of these things, and it's like,

958
00:44:15,160 --> 00:44:18,600
Speaker 3: what what we're just doing is ruminating to avoid the discomfort,

959
00:44:18,920 --> 00:44:21,200
Speaker 3: and what we're really saying is this is hard. I

960
00:44:21,239 --> 00:44:24,680
Speaker 3: don't want to do it. And that's okay, this is hard,

961
00:44:24,680 --> 00:44:26,560
Speaker 3: I don't want to do it. That is a normal

962
00:44:26,800 --> 00:44:30,839
Speaker 3: human feeling. But we have to go through that in

963
00:44:30,960 --> 00:44:33,200
Speaker 3: order for us to grow. We'll start by being kind

964
00:44:33,200 --> 00:44:35,720
Speaker 3: to ourselves and like, it is hard, let's take a break,

965
00:44:36,000 --> 00:44:38,560
Speaker 3: but less address it. And sometimes it might be like, hey,

966
00:44:38,600 --> 00:44:40,239
Speaker 3: we'll do it first thing in the morning when we're

967
00:44:40,239 --> 00:44:42,680
Speaker 3: the most fresh that concept swallow the frog, will do

968
00:44:42,719 --> 00:44:45,560
Speaker 3: that now. Or it could be like, hey, maybe this

969
00:44:45,640 --> 00:44:48,200
Speaker 3: is too big of a step. Maybe today step one

970
00:44:48,440 --> 00:44:51,480
Speaker 3: is this and that really and it is a reflection

971
00:44:51,520 --> 00:44:53,360
Speaker 3: and go back to the people that we're around. If

972
00:44:53,400 --> 00:44:55,319
Speaker 3: we're around people that we can share this stuff with,

973
00:44:55,360 --> 00:44:57,360
Speaker 3: and they speak to us with that same level of grace,

974
00:44:57,400 --> 00:44:59,920
Speaker 3: which is like, no, like you did a lot today,

975
00:45:00,520 --> 00:45:02,880
Speaker 3: it really matters. And I remember this. In the beginning

976
00:45:02,880 --> 00:45:05,040
Speaker 3: of my career, I came up with Lily seeing you

977
00:45:05,080 --> 00:45:07,879
Speaker 3: know who we both know and as you know, one

978
00:45:07,880 --> 00:45:11,720
Speaker 3: of the hardest workers I've ever seen, one hundred percent

979
00:45:11,719 --> 00:45:14,240
Speaker 3: and it really signaled to me how hard I needed

980
00:45:14,280 --> 00:45:16,480
Speaker 3: to work. And it was always this idea that if

981
00:45:16,520 --> 00:45:19,160
Speaker 3: I wasn't working hard enough, she may think less of me.

982
00:45:19,480 --> 00:45:21,759
Speaker 3: And then fast forward during the pandemic, I remember this

983
00:45:21,880 --> 00:45:24,279
Speaker 3: having a call and she's like, look like you're your

984
00:45:24,360 --> 00:45:27,120
Speaker 3: only job right now is like, stay healthy and stay

985
00:45:27,160 --> 00:45:31,359
Speaker 3: in a good place. Don't try to be productive. We've

986
00:45:31,360 --> 00:45:34,960
Speaker 3: been signaled that we need to be productive all the time.

987
00:45:35,600 --> 00:45:39,680
Speaker 3: There's honor in suffering, there's honor in burning out. It's

988
00:45:39,680 --> 00:45:41,200
Speaker 3: a badge of honor. And it's like, it's not a

989
00:45:41,239 --> 00:45:44,880
Speaker 3: badge of honor, it's a warning sign that we're abandoning

990
00:45:44,920 --> 00:45:47,680
Speaker 3: ourselves by doing too much, especially in the society that

991
00:45:47,719 --> 00:45:50,320
Speaker 3: we live in, where there isn't the word enough doesn't

992
00:45:50,360 --> 00:45:52,960
Speaker 3: exist when it comes to our productivity. So it's really

993
00:45:52,960 --> 00:45:55,200
Speaker 3: important to surround yourself around people who are doing the

994
00:45:55,239 --> 00:45:57,640
Speaker 3: same work, can have the same language, even if you're

995
00:45:57,640 --> 00:46:00,319
Speaker 3: the first person to start these conversations, when what kind

996
00:46:00,320 --> 00:46:02,120
Speaker 3: of to someone else will encourage them to be kinder

997
00:46:02,160 --> 00:46:02,800
Speaker 3: to you as well.

998
00:46:02,960 --> 00:46:05,840
Speaker 1: Yeah, and I think it's hard because I'll give you

999
00:46:05,840 --> 00:46:09,279
Speaker 1: an example, Like I landed at Sunday, I would have

1000
00:46:09,320 --> 00:46:12,520
Speaker 1: gotten to bed by like one am, and I knew

1001
00:46:12,520 --> 00:46:14,279
Speaker 1: I had to work out at a am in the

1002
00:46:14,320 --> 00:46:17,600
Speaker 1: morning scheduled, and everything about me was like, I've been

1003
00:46:17,640 --> 00:46:21,560
Speaker 1: on the road, I'm tired, I've been working. It's all work.

1004
00:46:21,640 --> 00:46:26,239
Speaker 1: I gave four keynotes in four days podcasts. But what

1005
00:46:26,280 --> 00:46:27,800
Speaker 1: was really interesting is that I'm at a place in

1006
00:46:27,840 --> 00:46:30,719
Speaker 1: my life where I've actually realized that waking up and

1007
00:46:30,800 --> 00:46:34,320
Speaker 1: working out actually sets me up to have more energy

1008
00:46:34,360 --> 00:46:37,040
Speaker 1: throughout the day. So now I'm fully convinced. Now if

1009
00:46:37,080 --> 00:46:39,719
Speaker 1: this was literally three or four years ago, I would

1010
00:46:39,760 --> 00:46:41,400
Speaker 1: have said, no, I need to have grace on myself.

1011
00:46:41,840 --> 00:46:44,520
Speaker 1: I'm gonna let myself lie in. I'm not gonna work out.

1012
00:46:44,560 --> 00:46:46,320
Speaker 1: Maybe I won't even work out for two three days

1013
00:46:46,440 --> 00:46:49,520
Speaker 1: because I deserve a break. The thing is that actually

1014
00:46:49,560 --> 00:46:53,600
Speaker 1: didn't make me stronger or more resilient. It actually made

1015
00:46:53,600 --> 00:46:57,640
Speaker 1: me more sluggish. It actually slowed me down. So sometimes

1016
00:46:57,680 --> 00:47:01,319
Speaker 1: grace is actually choosing something that good for you, even

1017
00:47:01,360 --> 00:47:02,720
Speaker 1: if it doesn't feel good.

1018
00:47:02,840 --> 00:47:06,880
Speaker 3: Absolutely, as I said, it's not coddling, like, hey, you

1019
00:47:06,880 --> 00:47:08,239
Speaker 3: don't want to go to the gym today, you don't

1020
00:47:08,239 --> 00:47:09,839
Speaker 3: want to work out with the trainer, Let's just go

1021
00:47:09,920 --> 00:47:12,080
Speaker 3: for five minutes and if you don't like it, you

1022
00:47:12,120 --> 00:47:13,960
Speaker 3: can go home. Yeah, and then once you get in,

1023
00:47:14,360 --> 00:47:17,920
Speaker 3: you know continue Yeah. And I'm definitely like that. Whereas

1024
00:47:18,000 --> 00:47:21,040
Speaker 3: you know, I'm doing all the mental gymnastic oh i

1025
00:47:21,239 --> 00:47:23,439
Speaker 3: ate and it's only been forty three minutes. I can't

1026
00:47:23,480 --> 00:47:25,640
Speaker 3: go to jiujits. I might throw up on somebody. I can't.

1027
00:47:25,680 --> 00:47:28,560
Speaker 3: You're making all these excuses and then the graceful voices like, hey,

1028
00:47:28,760 --> 00:47:31,080
Speaker 3: just show up, try it out for a couple of minutes.

1029
00:47:31,239 --> 00:47:33,400
Speaker 3: If you don't feel good, sit against the wall. We

1030
00:47:33,400 --> 00:47:36,040
Speaker 3: see people doing it all the time. And the truth is,

1031
00:47:36,080 --> 00:47:38,040
Speaker 3: and then I go back into my history, you have

1032
00:47:38,200 --> 00:47:41,720
Speaker 3: always not wanted to go. You have never regretted going.

1033
00:47:41,840 --> 00:47:43,320
Speaker 2: Yes, exactly, even when I've.

1034
00:47:43,160 --> 00:47:45,759
Speaker 3: Gotten hurt, I didn't regret going. And I think that's

1035
00:47:45,800 --> 00:47:47,799
Speaker 3: the really important thing when it comes to this grace.

1036
00:47:47,800 --> 00:47:50,200
Speaker 3: We're not coddling ourselves. We're being our best friend, and

1037
00:47:50,520 --> 00:47:53,359
Speaker 3: we're encouraging ourselves to do it. And you're absolutely right.

1038
00:47:53,400 --> 00:47:55,160
Speaker 3: And this is how I would like us to view

1039
00:47:55,560 --> 00:47:59,239
Speaker 3: mental health. The same way. Let's train it. Let's constantly

1040
00:48:00,160 --> 00:48:02,040
Speaker 3: pick things that are different, the same way you're lifting

1041
00:48:02,040 --> 00:48:04,960
Speaker 3: a heavy weight to tear your muscles. And then have

1042
00:48:05,080 --> 00:48:08,440
Speaker 3: them healed to grow bigger. Let's continually put ourselves in

1043
00:48:08,520 --> 00:48:11,760
Speaker 3: challenging situations, whether it's a cold shower, whether it's holding

1044
00:48:11,760 --> 00:48:14,720
Speaker 3: a yoga pose, whether it's doing you know, calf phrases

1045
00:48:14,800 --> 00:48:17,280
Speaker 3: until you're feeling in the burn, any type of movement,

1046
00:48:17,320 --> 00:48:19,160
Speaker 3: any type of challenge where your mind is like I

1047
00:48:19,200 --> 00:48:21,160
Speaker 3: can't do anymore, Like, hey, let's just try to stay

1048
00:48:21,160 --> 00:48:23,439
Speaker 3: in a little bit longer. Let's do these things because

1049
00:48:23,440 --> 00:48:25,920
Speaker 3: this will help build resilience. And it's one of the

1050
00:48:25,920 --> 00:48:29,520
Speaker 3: things in addition to creating connection, in addition to practicing

1051
00:48:29,760 --> 00:48:31,719
Speaker 3: that we do and we're realizing I don't want to

1052
00:48:31,760 --> 00:48:33,920
Speaker 3: do it, totally understand that you don't want to do it,

1053
00:48:34,160 --> 00:48:37,040
Speaker 3: but try it and see how you feel afterwards. Because

1054
00:48:37,080 --> 00:48:40,160
Speaker 3: just like working out, the harder the workout, the easier

1055
00:48:40,200 --> 00:48:43,040
Speaker 3: the day. Yeah, and let's apply that to our mental health.

1056
00:48:43,120 --> 00:48:45,520
Speaker 3: Let's treat our mental health like a muscle. The more

1057
00:48:45,560 --> 00:48:48,200
Speaker 3: we work it early, the easier the rest of the

1058
00:48:48,280 --> 00:48:48,680
Speaker 3: day will be.

1059
00:48:48,800 --> 00:48:51,600
Speaker 1: I've always been saying that there's like there's two types

1060
00:48:51,600 --> 00:48:56,040
Speaker 1: of people. One needs to do the easy thing first

1061
00:48:56,640 --> 00:49:00,120
Speaker 1: to build confidence and get to the hard challenge, when

1062
00:49:00,120 --> 00:49:02,360
Speaker 1: there's other people that need to do the hard thing first.

1063
00:49:02,360 --> 00:49:04,839
Speaker 1: They need to throw themselves into the deep end in

1064
00:49:04,920 --> 00:49:08,080
Speaker 1: order to build confidence. And it's really important to know

1065
00:49:08,120 --> 00:49:10,960
Speaker 1: which one you are because some people. If you are

1066
00:49:11,000 --> 00:49:13,120
Speaker 1: someone who needs to do the hard thing first, and

1067
00:49:13,160 --> 00:49:15,560
Speaker 1: you keep trying to build up confidence through small things,

1068
00:49:15,880 --> 00:49:18,880
Speaker 1: you actually never ever get to the hard thing, or

1069
00:49:18,920 --> 00:49:21,239
Speaker 1: you'll feel like you'll take on a challenge that isn't

1070
00:49:21,239 --> 00:49:24,120
Speaker 1: big enough. Yes, And if you're someone who's like, oh

1071
00:49:24,160 --> 00:49:26,880
Speaker 1: my god, I need baby steps, and now your friend

1072
00:49:26,880 --> 00:49:29,480
Speaker 1: over here is lifting like ten times as much as

1073
00:49:29,480 --> 00:49:31,840
Speaker 1: you are, now you're pushing yourself, you won't do it either.

1074
00:49:32,400 --> 00:49:35,319
Speaker 1: And that's why it's such an individual journey. But I

1075
00:49:35,400 --> 00:49:41,279
Speaker 1: find so much anxiety is around timelines. It's all around comparison.

1076
00:49:42,040 --> 00:49:45,320
Speaker 1: And I was thinking about this. When you're at school,

1077
00:49:46,080 --> 00:49:49,160
Speaker 1: the one thing you don't have anxiety about as much

1078
00:49:49,680 --> 00:49:53,520
Speaker 1: is people being ahead of you or people having figured

1079
00:49:53,560 --> 00:49:56,680
Speaker 1: something out, because everyone goes from seventh grade to eighth

1080
00:49:56,760 --> 00:49:59,520
Speaker 1: grade to ninth grade. All of a sudden when you graduate.

1081
00:50:00,080 --> 00:50:04,000
Speaker 1: Now someone's getting promoted first, and someone's getting promoted last.

1082
00:50:04,400 --> 00:50:08,480
Speaker 1: Someone's getting engaged first and someone's getting engaged lost. Someone

1083
00:50:09,000 --> 00:50:12,280
Speaker 1: got the beautiful new apartment and someone is still living

1084
00:50:12,280 --> 00:50:15,560
Speaker 1: with their parents. All of a sudden, now there's this

1085
00:50:15,719 --> 00:50:21,320
Speaker 1: timeline effect where I'm now anxious because I'm not thirty

1086
00:50:21,640 --> 00:50:25,560
Speaker 1: and married and making six figures and whatever it may

1087
00:50:25,560 --> 00:50:28,400
Speaker 1: be building a family. How do you deal with that

1088
00:50:28,520 --> 00:50:33,000
Speaker 1: existential anxiety? Because this anxiety is more than the anxiety

1089
00:50:33,040 --> 00:50:35,600
Speaker 1: of just I'm anxious about talking to these people, I'm

1090
00:50:35,640 --> 00:50:38,760
Speaker 1: anxious about this friend. This is like this existential anxiety

1091
00:50:38,800 --> 00:50:40,680
Speaker 1: that sometimes we just don't even want to think about,

1092
00:50:40,920 --> 00:50:42,480
Speaker 1: but it's in the back of our mind. Crap, I'm

1093
00:50:42,520 --> 00:50:45,360
Speaker 1: thirty and I'm not married, I'm fourteen, I don't have kids, right.

1094
00:50:45,280 --> 00:50:48,440
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think the first thing most definitely, And I

1095
00:50:48,480 --> 00:50:51,000
Speaker 3: love that you talked about school and how that was

1096
00:50:51,040 --> 00:50:53,279
Speaker 3: our world. The classroom or maybe the side of the

1097
00:50:53,280 --> 00:50:55,319
Speaker 3: school was our world, and that made a lot of

1098
00:50:55,360 --> 00:50:58,120
Speaker 3: sense for maybe, you know, up until the last twenty years,

1099
00:50:58,680 --> 00:51:01,880
Speaker 3: social media has expanded our world where now we are

1100
00:51:02,000 --> 00:51:05,240
Speaker 3: endlessly being exposed to people who are living lives completely

1101
00:51:05,280 --> 00:51:07,759
Speaker 3: different from us, and now we're comparing ourselves to that.

1102
00:51:08,239 --> 00:51:10,400
Speaker 3: And so when we hear the cliche line comparison is

1103
00:51:10,400 --> 00:51:14,000
Speaker 3: the thief of joy, we're constantly stealing our joy by

1104
00:51:14,000 --> 00:51:16,560
Speaker 3: spending time on social media and comparing ourselves to people,

1105
00:51:16,840 --> 00:51:19,279
Speaker 3: and we're not even comparing ourselves to a real thing.

1106
00:51:19,320 --> 00:51:21,799
Speaker 3: We're comparing our behind the scenes to this highlight reel

1107
00:51:21,840 --> 00:51:23,839
Speaker 3: of what we put on social media. So the first

1108
00:51:23,840 --> 00:51:26,200
Speaker 3: thing I would say is reduce the amount of exposure

1109
00:51:26,280 --> 00:51:28,160
Speaker 3: you have to compare yourself to other people. I would

1110
00:51:28,280 --> 00:51:31,880
Speaker 3: definitely make efforts to reduce my social media consumption. That

1111
00:51:31,880 --> 00:51:34,920
Speaker 3: would make a huge thing. I think also, the more

1112
00:51:35,400 --> 00:51:38,560
Speaker 3: we commit to understanding who we are, the more we

1113
00:51:38,600 --> 00:51:42,200
Speaker 3: start to realize that we need to design and develop

1114
00:51:42,200 --> 00:51:44,680
Speaker 3: a life for ourselves. I think currently we're just trying

1115
00:51:44,719 --> 00:51:47,760
Speaker 3: to deal with life. And I think as we commit

1116
00:51:47,800 --> 00:51:51,160
Speaker 3: to a mental health journey and voluntarily doing challenging things,

1117
00:51:51,280 --> 00:51:53,320
Speaker 3: we start to develop life and we start to understand

1118
00:51:53,400 --> 00:51:56,200
Speaker 3: what matters to us, for you, for me. As we

1119
00:51:56,239 --> 00:51:58,040
Speaker 3: go through these different challenges, we're like, wait, this is

1120
00:51:58,280 --> 00:52:00,839
Speaker 3: the shoe that fits me, this is the one that doesn't. Oh,

1121
00:52:00,920 --> 00:52:03,640
Speaker 3: I can afford the fancy sports car, but I realize

1122
00:52:03,680 --> 00:52:06,200
Speaker 3: that really isn't for me. But I definitely want to

1123
00:52:06,200 --> 00:52:08,319
Speaker 3: make sure I have a great hotep or I want

1124
00:52:08,360 --> 00:52:10,360
Speaker 3: to definitely make sure I have you know, I have

1125
00:52:10,360 --> 00:52:12,120
Speaker 3: a friend who just sold the company, and I was like, Oh,

1126
00:52:12,120 --> 00:52:13,200
Speaker 3: what are you going to do? He goes, I'm going

1127
00:52:13,280 --> 00:52:15,799
Speaker 3: to get my mom a personal trainer so she can

1128
00:52:15,840 --> 00:52:18,680
Speaker 3: open a jar until she's ninety. And it's like, this

1129
00:52:18,760 --> 00:52:21,920
Speaker 3: is someone who knows his priority. That's the first spand

1130
00:52:22,000 --> 00:52:25,080
Speaker 3: with the money, and that only comes through self awareness.

1131
00:52:25,280 --> 00:52:28,680
Speaker 3: Self awareness comes through paying attention to yourself and collecting

1132
00:52:28,840 --> 00:52:32,240
Speaker 3: information that's going to come when we have these anxious feelings.

1133
00:52:32,280 --> 00:52:35,800
Speaker 3: These are revealing things, you know. Triggers are a roadmap.

1134
00:52:36,080 --> 00:52:38,640
Speaker 3: They're telling us where the work can be done. So

1135
00:52:38,680 --> 00:52:42,600
Speaker 3: we have to abandon these ideas that like, oh, trigger warning,

1136
00:52:42,600 --> 00:52:44,480
Speaker 3: I have to avoid my triggers. Oh I have to

1137
00:52:44,480 --> 00:52:47,680
Speaker 3: constantly be in a safe space. That's just us rearranging

1138
00:52:47,760 --> 00:52:52,080
Speaker 3: life to never gain and we're denying ourselves that self awareness.

1139
00:52:52,200 --> 00:52:54,000
Speaker 3: So I really think self awareness is going to be

1140
00:52:54,000 --> 00:52:56,520
Speaker 3: the first thing. So now and again, this is not

1141
00:52:56,560 --> 00:52:58,200
Speaker 3: going to make it all go away. I still get

1142
00:52:58,239 --> 00:53:00,520
Speaker 3: jealous when I see people on social media. I think

1143
00:53:00,560 --> 00:53:03,000
Speaker 3: the other thing we have to realize is envy helps

1144
00:53:03,080 --> 00:53:07,800
Speaker 3: us understand what authentically matters to us. Let's say, for example,

1145
00:53:08,000 --> 00:53:10,320
Speaker 3: I watch you Know, I watch the show regularly you

1146
00:53:10,400 --> 00:53:11,879
Speaker 3: got a couple of guests on, then all of a sudden,

1147
00:53:11,880 --> 00:53:14,480
Speaker 3: a certain guest comes on, and let's say Rick Rubin

1148
00:53:14,600 --> 00:53:17,880
Speaker 3: comes on. I'm like, oh, I am so jealous. I

1149
00:53:17,920 --> 00:53:19,439
Speaker 3: wish I was in the room with Jay. I wish

1150
00:53:19,480 --> 00:53:20,920
Speaker 3: I knew this was happening. I wish I could have

1151
00:53:20,920 --> 00:53:22,320
Speaker 3: called j I wish I could have stood in the

1152
00:53:22,360 --> 00:53:24,719
Speaker 3: corner when I had that. What that is doing is

1153
00:53:24,760 --> 00:53:28,640
Speaker 3: that's not a bad thing to experience. That's teaching me that, Okay,

1154
00:53:28,680 --> 00:53:31,880
Speaker 3: something that Rick says matters to me, So I should

1155
00:53:31,920 --> 00:53:33,960
Speaker 3: go deeper into that because it teach me what's important

1156
00:53:34,200 --> 00:53:36,440
Speaker 3: versus if you have another guest on who I'm like, Oh,

1157
00:53:36,480 --> 00:53:38,920
Speaker 3: that's cool, but I'm not really excited about that. So

1158
00:53:38,960 --> 00:53:41,360
Speaker 3: I think there's something there that I think is really important.

1159
00:53:41,640 --> 00:53:43,480
Speaker 3: And I think the other thing that's really important is

1160
00:53:43,520 --> 00:53:45,880
Speaker 3: realizing are we trying to catch up or are we

1161
00:53:45,960 --> 00:53:47,759
Speaker 3: trying to improve? Are we trying to keep up with

1162
00:53:47,840 --> 00:53:50,440
Speaker 3: other people? And I think very often in going back

1163
00:53:50,440 --> 00:53:52,759
Speaker 3: to our families, it really often isn't to We're not

1164
00:53:52,960 --> 00:53:56,319
Speaker 3: doing things to make our family happy, We're doing things

1165
00:53:56,360 --> 00:53:59,399
Speaker 3: to keep them off our back, right, And I think

1166
00:53:59,520 --> 00:54:01,960
Speaker 3: there's there's definitely this when it comes to like, you know,

1167
00:54:02,040 --> 00:54:04,880
Speaker 3: being out here, going to advanced dressing up, all of

1168
00:54:04,880 --> 00:54:06,719
Speaker 3: this is like are we doing this to even stand

1169
00:54:06,760 --> 00:54:08,279
Speaker 3: out at the party? Are we doing this to make

1170
00:54:08,320 --> 00:54:11,680
Speaker 3: sure we don't feel irrelevant that we were falling behind?

1171
00:54:12,120 --> 00:54:15,920
Speaker 3: And I think paying attention to that will challenge us

1172
00:54:15,920 --> 00:54:18,319
Speaker 3: to go back to what are our unique values? What

1173
00:54:18,320 --> 00:54:21,279
Speaker 3: are the things that we actually care about? And the

1174
00:54:21,280 --> 00:54:23,759
Speaker 3: more we discover that, the more we can share that

1175
00:54:23,800 --> 00:54:26,520
Speaker 3: with people. And for me, that also brings me into

1176
00:54:26,600 --> 00:54:30,239
Speaker 3: the thought of the gap between fitting in and belonging.

1177
00:54:31,160 --> 00:54:34,520
Speaker 3: We create so much stress trying to fit in, and

1178
00:54:34,600 --> 00:54:36,839
Speaker 3: we have to wear masks to fit in, and that

1179
00:54:36,960 --> 00:54:40,200
Speaker 3: is definitely going to feed anxious feelings. Instead, if we

1180
00:54:40,239 --> 00:54:41,960
Speaker 3: have a better understanding of who we are, if we're

1181
00:54:41,960 --> 00:54:45,120
Speaker 3: constantly exploring this universe inside of us, we know who

1182
00:54:45,120 --> 00:54:47,279
Speaker 3: we are and we can find people that we feel

1183
00:54:47,360 --> 00:54:50,480
Speaker 3: comfortable being around where we belong to the quote in

1184
00:54:50,520 --> 00:54:54,400
Speaker 3: the book that I say, everybody is a social butterfly,

1185
00:54:54,920 --> 00:54:57,960
Speaker 3: and maybe you're just in the wrong garden. And I

1186
00:54:57,960 --> 00:55:01,239
Speaker 3: think that's really important versus the self idea of I'm

1187
00:55:01,239 --> 00:55:04,040
Speaker 3: socially anxious. It's like or you're just in the room

1188
00:55:04,080 --> 00:55:04,840
Speaker 3: with the wrong people.

1189
00:55:05,239 --> 00:55:05,719
Speaker 2: So good.

1190
00:55:06,040 --> 00:55:09,719
Speaker 3: You know, if you really enjoy Dungeons and Dragons, go

1191
00:55:09,800 --> 00:55:11,560
Speaker 3: in a room full of people who play that game.

1192
00:55:11,800 --> 00:55:14,080
Speaker 3: All of a sudden, there won't be as much social

1193
00:55:14,160 --> 00:55:16,200
Speaker 3: anxiety as you may feel if you're in a room

1194
00:55:16,400 --> 00:55:18,480
Speaker 3: full of people who work in finance or full of

1195
00:55:18,760 --> 00:55:21,239
Speaker 3: Hollywood stars. And I think that's the really important thing,

1196
00:55:21,320 --> 00:55:24,680
Speaker 3: is like, go where you belong. Focus on where you

1197
00:55:24,719 --> 00:55:27,839
Speaker 3: authentically belong, and that requires a depth because they may

1198
00:55:27,880 --> 00:55:29,200
Speaker 3: not just be like, oh, well, I'm South Asian. I

1199
00:55:29,200 --> 00:55:32,080
Speaker 3: should be around South Asians. It's like, no, who am I?

1200
00:55:32,520 --> 00:55:35,839
Speaker 3: You know? I enjoy art. I should be around more

1201
00:55:35,880 --> 00:55:38,319
Speaker 3: folks who love art. I enjoy MMA. I should be

1202
00:55:38,320 --> 00:55:41,080
Speaker 3: around more folks that love MMA. I enjoy playing certain

1203
00:55:41,160 --> 00:55:43,200
Speaker 3: video games. I should be around people play those games.

1204
00:55:43,239 --> 00:55:46,319
Speaker 3: It's the deeper you understand yourself, the more you can

1205
00:55:46,360 --> 00:55:48,279
Speaker 3: share it. And it's really important because we want to

1206
00:55:48,280 --> 00:55:51,279
Speaker 3: be seen, we want to be heard, but the only

1207
00:55:51,320 --> 00:55:53,000
Speaker 3: way we can authentically be seen and heard is if

1208
00:55:53,000 --> 00:55:55,319
Speaker 3: we show people who we authentically are. And you can't

1209
00:55:55,320 --> 00:55:56,760
Speaker 3: be yourself if you don't know yourself.

1210
00:55:56,800 --> 00:55:57,239
Speaker 2: I love that.

1211
00:55:57,280 --> 00:56:00,440
Speaker 1: I mean that is such a big one because I

1212
00:56:00,480 --> 00:56:03,359
Speaker 1: hear that so often, and I think you're so right.

1213
00:56:03,440 --> 00:56:06,080
Speaker 1: Most people are going to events that they don't even

1214
00:56:06,120 --> 00:56:08,359
Speaker 1: want to go to to hang around people that they

1215
00:56:08,400 --> 00:56:11,000
Speaker 1: don't want to hang around, and then we're wondering.

1216
00:56:10,680 --> 00:56:12,120
Speaker 2: Why we're socially anxious.

1217
00:56:12,320 --> 00:56:15,560
Speaker 1: And we also say that person's an introvert or they

1218
00:56:15,560 --> 00:56:17,480
Speaker 1: feel like an introvert, and someone who knows them goes,

1219
00:56:17,560 --> 00:56:20,600
Speaker 1: they're not an introvert. They're really loud around their people,

1220
00:56:20,920 --> 00:56:24,040
Speaker 1: and that person is wild around their people. It's just

1221
00:56:24,120 --> 00:56:26,239
Speaker 1: right now, they're not around their people. And you have

1222
00:56:26,280 --> 00:56:29,080
Speaker 1: this beautiful quote in here, you say, the only way

1223
00:56:29,160 --> 00:56:32,319
Speaker 1: people can accept the real you is if you show

1224
00:56:32,360 --> 00:56:34,759
Speaker 1: them the real you. And I think that's what it is,

1225
00:56:34,760 --> 00:56:37,400
Speaker 1: is that sometimes we don't even know the people that

1226
00:56:37,480 --> 00:56:41,120
Speaker 1: are around us because if that's not their vibe, if

1227
00:56:41,160 --> 00:56:44,359
Speaker 1: that's not their crewer people, they're never showing the real them.

1228
00:56:44,960 --> 00:56:48,160
Speaker 1: And I know that for me, even in a crowd

1229
00:56:48,160 --> 00:56:51,680
Speaker 1: full of people, I'll try and find the person who

1230
00:56:51,760 --> 00:56:54,239
Speaker 1: wants to have a deep spiritual conversation. The amount of

1231
00:56:54,239 --> 00:56:57,359
Speaker 1: time me and you and Jeremy are good friends end

1232
00:56:57,440 --> 00:57:00,239
Speaker 1: up together at parties, right, So when we're at a

1233
00:57:00,320 --> 00:57:02,440
Speaker 1: party and I know humble and Jeremy are going to

1234
00:57:02,520 --> 00:57:04,600
Speaker 1: be there. I know we're going to find a little

1235
00:57:04,640 --> 00:57:08,640
Speaker 1: corner to have like a conversation, a discussion, a debate,

1236
00:57:09,200 --> 00:57:11,839
Speaker 1: a thought like that's what's going to happen. And that's

1237
00:57:11,880 --> 00:57:14,319
Speaker 1: why I don't feel out of place at the party.

1238
00:57:14,560 --> 00:57:16,360
Speaker 1: But if you expecting me to just kind of have

1239
00:57:16,440 --> 00:57:19,200
Speaker 1: two second conversations with lots of people and just hang

1240
00:57:19,200 --> 00:57:21,440
Speaker 1: around that, that's not my That's not how I like

1241
00:57:21,480 --> 00:57:24,560
Speaker 1: to spend my time. And I've got to look for

1242
00:57:24,720 --> 00:57:27,320
Speaker 1: I can still be at a big party and look

1243
00:57:27,440 --> 00:57:30,040
Speaker 1: for my community. And I think again, it goes back

1244
00:57:30,040 --> 00:57:32,480
Speaker 1: to what you're saying. It's knowing yourself. Where people just go,

1245
00:57:32,520 --> 00:57:34,880
Speaker 1: oh no, I just don't like big parties. It's like no, no, no,

1246
00:57:34,960 --> 00:57:38,480
Speaker 1: But there's a way in every space, in every world.

1247
00:57:38,560 --> 00:57:40,960
Speaker 1: It's kind of like people who have judgments about New

1248
00:57:41,040 --> 00:57:43,320
Speaker 1: York or LA or London or whatever it is that

1249
00:57:43,360 --> 00:57:46,520
Speaker 1: we can have these broad strokes judgments. It's like, no,

1250
00:57:46,640 --> 00:57:50,040
Speaker 1: you can create what you want here. It does exist.

1251
00:57:50,640 --> 00:57:52,520
Speaker 1: It just depends on if it exists in the way

1252
00:57:52,520 --> 00:57:54,160
Speaker 1: you want to create and how it works for you.

1253
00:57:54,200 --> 00:57:56,560
Speaker 1: But let's not sit around here and go I'm just

1254
00:57:56,600 --> 00:57:58,959
Speaker 1: not going to it's not possible in this place, because

1255
00:57:59,000 --> 00:58:00,320
Speaker 1: that's like saying one day you can get to the

1256
00:58:00,320 --> 00:58:02,240
Speaker 1: point where you go, this is on no one's my

1257
00:58:02,320 --> 00:58:05,640
Speaker 1: type on planet Earth. Yes, right, And it's like that's

1258
00:58:05,920 --> 00:58:07,240
Speaker 1: not a healthy mindset to have.

1259
00:58:07,480 --> 00:58:09,959
Speaker 3: Absolutely, And it goes back to the idea of judging again.

1260
00:58:10,040 --> 00:58:12,280
Speaker 3: We start to judge, which is a language of fear,

1261
00:58:12,640 --> 00:58:14,880
Speaker 3: and we start to limit. We're like, oh, no, I've

1262
00:58:14,880 --> 00:58:16,880
Speaker 3: met three people at this party. This isn't my crowd.

1263
00:58:17,200 --> 00:58:19,720
Speaker 3: And also for folks listening who are thinking, well, what

1264
00:58:19,800 --> 00:58:21,720
Speaker 3: about you know, I'm at work or I have to

1265
00:58:21,800 --> 00:58:26,120
Speaker 3: wear a certain masks to survive with places, I completely understand, right,

1266
00:58:26,280 --> 00:58:28,960
Speaker 3: And the best way to counter that is, when you're

1267
00:58:29,000 --> 00:58:31,360
Speaker 3: done with that, go to what place you belong. We

1268
00:58:31,400 --> 00:58:33,080
Speaker 3: all have to be in places, and we all have

1269
00:58:33,160 --> 00:58:35,760
Speaker 3: to play the game to fit in. Sometimes it's not

1270
00:58:35,800 --> 00:58:37,400
Speaker 3: you know, we have to survive, and that might be

1271
00:58:37,400 --> 00:58:40,120
Speaker 3: part of the game. But then to counteract that, to

1272
00:58:40,200 --> 00:58:42,960
Speaker 3: avoid burning out by doing that, go ahead and be

1273
00:58:43,040 --> 00:58:46,000
Speaker 3: in a situation where you belong, be with your people,

1274
00:58:46,360 --> 00:58:49,000
Speaker 3: be with your tribe. And again, it still starts internally

1275
00:58:49,160 --> 00:58:51,360
Speaker 3: by figuring out who you authentically are.

1276
00:58:51,520 --> 00:58:53,959
Speaker 1: Well said, there's one quote that I picked out here

1277
00:58:54,400 --> 00:58:57,160
Speaker 1: just because I loved it. You said our broken heart

1278
00:58:57,360 --> 00:59:01,320
Speaker 1: is an open heart, and said so much to me

1279
00:59:01,520 --> 00:59:05,600
Speaker 1: because I felt that if my heart's ever been broken,

1280
00:59:06,360 --> 00:59:10,560
Speaker 1: it's only led me the more compassion, more context. But

1281
00:59:10,640 --> 00:59:14,040
Speaker 1: I wanted to hear what why you inspired to write

1282
00:59:14,040 --> 00:59:15,920
Speaker 1: our broken heart is an open heart.

1283
00:59:16,160 --> 00:59:19,400
Speaker 3: I think for me specifically, it's this idea that when

1284
00:59:20,120 --> 00:59:22,480
Speaker 3: you know the idea in your head doesn't match the

1285
00:59:22,520 --> 00:59:24,640
Speaker 3: idea in front of you, like our expectations of life

1286
00:59:25,160 --> 00:59:27,520
Speaker 3: don't match the reality. That's kind of when what we

1287
00:59:27,600 --> 00:59:32,120
Speaker 3: define is unhappiness, And I think that's an opportunity to ay,

1288
00:59:32,240 --> 00:59:35,760
Speaker 3: you know, on a lower vibration, feel sorry for ourselves

1289
00:59:35,360 --> 00:59:39,320
Speaker 3: and reaffirm that life is so challenging, life is so difficult,

1290
00:59:39,440 --> 00:59:42,040
Speaker 3: But there's also an opportunity to grow, you know, when

1291
00:59:42,040 --> 00:59:44,120
Speaker 3: once we let go of that idea, like, well, there's

1292
00:59:44,120 --> 00:59:46,960
Speaker 3: something to grow from here. So when our heart is broken,

1293
00:59:47,320 --> 00:59:51,080
Speaker 3: when everything that we thought was is no longer the case,

1294
00:59:51,120 --> 00:59:53,840
Speaker 3: whether it's a broken relationship, whether it's losing something you

1295
00:59:53,880 --> 00:59:57,440
Speaker 3: care about, losing an identity, losing money, whatever it may be,

1296
00:59:57,960 --> 00:59:59,640
Speaker 3: there's an opportunity to grow in there.

1297
01:00:00,000 --> 01:00:02,120
Speaker 1: It's almost like a broken heart is an open mind,

1298
01:00:02,440 --> 01:00:07,560
Speaker 1: like that idea that now I can actually allow for life.

1299
01:00:07,880 --> 01:00:10,800
Speaker 3: It's like now you're, oh, now we're paying attention. All

1300
01:00:10,840 --> 01:00:14,160
Speaker 3: of a sudden, things aren't moving according to plan, and

1301
01:00:14,200 --> 01:00:17,360
Speaker 3: now we're actually focused and we're present and we're paying

1302
01:00:17,360 --> 01:00:19,920
Speaker 3: attention to things, and there's a lot of opportunity there

1303
01:00:20,240 --> 01:00:22,760
Speaker 3: versus just assuming everything was going to be on autopilot.

1304
01:00:22,920 --> 01:00:25,320
Speaker 3: This idea of that happily ever after you know these

1305
01:00:25,440 --> 01:00:28,520
Speaker 3: linear ideas, it's like, no, we're going to continually be

1306
01:00:28,600 --> 01:00:32,760
Speaker 3: in these cycles and anticipate things happening. And everybody listening

1307
01:00:32,880 --> 01:00:36,640
Speaker 3: knows how transformative that first heartbreak was, whatever it may be,

1308
01:00:37,120 --> 01:00:40,360
Speaker 3: and how much resilience can come from the moment it happens.

1309
01:00:40,640 --> 01:00:42,960
Speaker 3: I can't be here anymore. I can't deal with this,

1310
01:00:43,040 --> 01:00:46,280
Speaker 3: and then as time goes by, we start building resilience

1311
01:00:46,320 --> 01:00:48,720
Speaker 3: from it, and then all of a sudden, we are

1312
01:00:49,280 --> 01:00:54,720
Speaker 3: a much more rounded, three dimensional version of ourselves because

1313
01:00:54,720 --> 01:00:59,080
Speaker 3: of it. These hard times that form us and formulate

1314
01:00:59,160 --> 01:01:01,760
Speaker 3: us as people. And this is why it's the idea

1315
01:01:01,800 --> 01:01:04,560
Speaker 3: of like, look, obviously I don't want to have super

1316
01:01:04,600 --> 01:01:06,640
Speaker 3: heavy days every single day, but I got to be

1317
01:01:06,680 --> 01:01:09,000
Speaker 3: able to trust myself to deal with them, or at

1318
01:01:09,080 --> 01:01:11,720
Speaker 3: least try my best to deal with them and at

1319
01:01:11,760 --> 01:01:15,040
Speaker 3: the very least not sabotage myself by not sleeping enough,

1320
01:01:15,400 --> 01:01:17,880
Speaker 3: not eating the right food, not drinking enough water, not

1321
01:01:17,920 --> 01:01:20,760
Speaker 3: hanging out with people that give me energy. And I

1322
01:01:20,760 --> 01:01:23,360
Speaker 3: think that there's something important there, so I always look

1323
01:01:23,400 --> 01:01:25,680
Speaker 3: at it, especially as as my life has progressed where

1324
01:01:25,680 --> 01:01:27,640
Speaker 3: it's like the things that are breaking my heart right

1325
01:01:27,680 --> 01:01:30,560
Speaker 3: now are absolutely out of control. The people that I

1326
01:01:30,640 --> 01:01:33,240
Speaker 3: care about who have health issues, there's nothing I can do.

1327
01:01:33,480 --> 01:01:37,000
Speaker 3: I catch myself avoiding messages getting updates on some of

1328
01:01:37,000 --> 01:01:38,920
Speaker 3: these folks because it just it breaks my heart to

1329
01:01:38,960 --> 01:01:41,560
Speaker 3: think about. And it's like, this is me avoiding because

1330
01:01:41,560 --> 01:01:44,160
Speaker 3: it's so overwhelming. But I speak to myself with grace

1331
01:01:44,240 --> 01:01:47,760
Speaker 3: and say, look, it's overwhelming. Let's get you back to

1332
01:01:47,760 --> 01:01:50,200
Speaker 3: where you got to get to. Let's feel better, and

1333
01:01:50,240 --> 01:01:52,040
Speaker 3: then we're going to lean into this. We have to

1334
01:01:52,120 --> 01:01:54,600
Speaker 3: lean into this because there's going to be some growth

1335
01:01:54,640 --> 01:01:56,760
Speaker 3: that comes from it. The fact that this impacts you

1336
01:01:56,880 --> 01:02:00,800
Speaker 3: so much, it's a sign that you care, beautiful, because

1337
01:02:00,840 --> 01:02:02,880
Speaker 3: we need to care about more things in this life.

1338
01:02:02,960 --> 01:02:07,440
Speaker 1: I think the anxiety around aging and death for ourselves

1339
01:02:07,440 --> 01:02:10,760
Speaker 1: and the people we love. Is, without a doubt, the

1340
01:02:10,800 --> 01:02:14,560
Speaker 1: anxiety we avoid the most right the anxiety of, oh

1341
01:02:14,600 --> 01:02:16,800
Speaker 1: my god, I'm getting older, Oh my god, someone in

1342
01:02:16,840 --> 01:02:20,920
Speaker 1: my life is unwell diseased, God, someone just died. Like

1343
01:02:20,960 --> 01:02:24,440
Speaker 1: there's such an anxiety around that. What have you found

1344
01:02:25,440 --> 01:02:28,400
Speaker 1: to be helpful at that time as you're going through it?

1345
01:02:29,000 --> 01:02:31,720
Speaker 1: What would you wish you would have been told? Or

1346
01:02:31,800 --> 01:02:35,120
Speaker 1: what do you wish people would hear in order to

1347
01:02:35,320 --> 01:02:37,320
Speaker 1: help soothe that anxiety.

1348
01:02:37,600 --> 01:02:40,720
Speaker 3: There was something beautiful I heard from a scientist on

1349
01:02:40,800 --> 01:02:43,400
Speaker 3: Instagram and I don't remember her name. She said, you know,

1350
01:02:43,520 --> 01:02:48,280
Speaker 3: life was not beginning and ending. Life began once, you know,

1351
01:02:48,400 --> 01:02:50,840
Speaker 3: and we're all a part of it. We don't have

1352
01:02:50,920 --> 01:02:55,320
Speaker 3: a life, we are life. We're dropping this ocean, and

1353
01:02:55,360 --> 01:02:57,520
Speaker 3: I think there's something really beautiful about that, which is,

1354
01:02:57,560 --> 01:03:00,520
Speaker 3: you know, this is depending on your belief, this can

1355
01:03:00,560 --> 01:03:04,640
Speaker 3: be a vacation from not existing, and we can choose

1356
01:03:04,760 --> 01:03:06,880
Speaker 3: this existence to be whatever we want it to be.

1357
01:03:07,440 --> 01:03:10,520
Speaker 3: And I think for me it's been realizing. And actually

1358
01:03:10,600 --> 01:03:13,520
Speaker 3: have a tattoo on my chest inverted so I can

1359
01:03:13,520 --> 01:03:15,160
Speaker 3: read it in the mirror says that any moment you're

1360
01:03:15,200 --> 01:03:17,920
Speaker 3: dust and it was inspired by a friend who had

1361
01:03:17,960 --> 01:03:21,120
Speaker 3: said it, but another friend and I specifically remember where

1362
01:03:21,160 --> 01:03:23,360
Speaker 3: I was when he said, he goes our problems are

1363
01:03:23,400 --> 01:03:27,600
Speaker 3: only real because we forget we're going to die, and

1364
01:03:27,920 --> 01:03:30,600
Speaker 3: when we think about all these things were zooming in

1365
01:03:30,760 --> 01:03:33,200
Speaker 3: so much into our lives. But it's like we've heard

1366
01:03:33,240 --> 01:03:35,320
Speaker 3: the cliche, well this matter in five years, ten yures,

1367
01:03:35,320 --> 01:03:37,080
Speaker 3: Will it matter in ninety years? Will it matter in

1368
01:03:37,160 --> 01:03:39,200
Speaker 3: two hundred years? You know, any of us making out

1369
01:03:39,240 --> 01:03:41,880
Speaker 3: of this alive. And I think there's something really beautiful

1370
01:03:41,880 --> 01:03:44,120
Speaker 3: about that, where it's like we can only enjoy a

1371
01:03:44,160 --> 01:03:46,520
Speaker 3: movie because we know what's going to end. You know,

1372
01:03:46,600 --> 01:03:48,520
Speaker 3: if it was going on forever, if it's one of

1373
01:03:48,520 --> 01:03:50,560
Speaker 3: those TV shows that go on forever, we may not

1374
01:03:50,600 --> 01:03:53,760
Speaker 3: appreciate it as much. It's the finiteism of it, and

1375
01:03:53,800 --> 01:03:55,480
Speaker 3: I think that has to do with life as well.

1376
01:03:55,840 --> 01:03:57,360
Speaker 3: In the book, I make a lot of jokes, and

1377
01:03:57,400 --> 01:03:59,200
Speaker 3: one of the big jokes is the secret pill to

1378
01:03:59,200 --> 01:04:01,720
Speaker 3: get rid of anxiety. I make up a joke about it,

1379
01:04:01,720 --> 01:04:04,280
Speaker 3: but at the end, I'm like, the actual magic pill

1380
01:04:04,800 --> 01:04:07,439
Speaker 3: is remembers you're going to die when you're in these

1381
01:04:07,520 --> 01:04:11,680
Speaker 3: moments that just feel completely overwhelming. If you can remember

1382
01:04:11,840 --> 01:04:14,880
Speaker 3: not just with your brain, but with your body that

1383
01:04:14,960 --> 01:04:17,840
Speaker 3: you are going to die. And we have so many

1384
01:04:17,880 --> 01:04:21,120
Speaker 3: examples of that in history with people who have experienced

1385
01:04:21,200 --> 01:04:25,760
Speaker 3: near death experiences and then have thrived because they realized,

1386
01:04:26,200 --> 01:04:28,120
Speaker 3: I'm here for a deeper purpose. I'm here for a

1387
01:04:28,120 --> 01:04:31,120
Speaker 3: bigger purpose. I survived, you know, fifty cent survived nine

1388
01:04:31,120 --> 01:04:33,120
Speaker 3: shots and all of a sudden thrived in his career.

1389
01:04:33,360 --> 01:04:36,680
Speaker 3: It's like, that's the worst they can get me, not existing,

1390
01:04:36,720 --> 01:04:40,040
Speaker 3: So let's go. It's not no longer fear of embarrassment,

1391
01:04:40,280 --> 01:04:43,320
Speaker 3: fear of rejection, fear of not being seen, because some

1392
01:04:43,360 --> 01:04:45,440
Speaker 3: of these are the things that we just forget. We're

1393
01:04:45,480 --> 01:04:48,120
Speaker 3: living creatures that won't be here forever. And I think

1394
01:04:48,400 --> 01:04:51,040
Speaker 3: reminding yourself of that is really important. And there's a

1395
01:04:51,560 --> 01:04:55,040
Speaker 3: Buddhist and Eastern philosophy around Make it your goal to

1396
01:04:55,120 --> 01:04:58,600
Speaker 3: remember your mortality five times a day and watch the

1397
01:04:58,680 --> 01:05:02,680
Speaker 3: quality of your life improved. Allow that, make that part

1398
01:05:02,720 --> 01:05:06,120
Speaker 3: of the mantra, Make that part of the daily affirmations

1399
01:05:06,400 --> 01:05:09,000
Speaker 3: that I won't be here forever. Pick the year that

1400
01:05:09,080 --> 01:05:11,479
Speaker 3: you know, like in the year twenty two to thirty five,

1401
01:05:11,600 --> 01:05:15,240
Speaker 3: neither of us will be here. Okay, let's remember that

1402
01:05:15,800 --> 01:05:18,600
Speaker 3: when we're worried about sending a text message and not

1403
01:05:18,640 --> 01:05:21,560
Speaker 3: getting a reply, or when we're worried about putting ourselves

1404
01:05:21,600 --> 01:05:23,880
Speaker 3: out there and potentially getting rejected, or when we worried

1405
01:05:23,880 --> 01:05:26,440
Speaker 3: about anything else. And I think that's really important. This

1406
01:05:26,480 --> 01:05:30,520
Speaker 3: isn't to minimize anybody's problems. It's to minimize the unnecessary

1407
01:05:30,560 --> 01:05:33,000
Speaker 3: stress that we may come with that. And then we

1408
01:05:33,000 --> 01:05:35,480
Speaker 3: can realize that the stress isn't holding us back. The

1409
01:05:35,560 --> 01:05:39,680
Speaker 3: stress can actually stretch us to reveal our potential of

1410
01:05:39,720 --> 01:05:43,480
Speaker 3: who we can actually be. Pressure builds diamonds. We can

1411
01:05:43,560 --> 01:05:47,640
Speaker 3: really become something beautiful and massive from this, when we

1412
01:05:47,720 --> 01:05:51,680
Speaker 3: no longer view challenges as an attack on our existence,

1413
01:05:51,920 --> 01:05:55,520
Speaker 3: but instead an opportunity for us to grow, for us

1414
01:05:55,600 --> 01:05:58,840
Speaker 3: to thrive, for us to increase our capacity to not

1415
01:05:58,880 --> 01:06:01,600
Speaker 3: only be amazing to ourselves, but being amazed with other people.

1416
01:06:01,760 --> 01:06:04,919
Speaker 1: And there's the reason why stoicism has memento moury. There's

1417
01:06:04,960 --> 01:06:08,120
Speaker 1: a reason why Buddhism has the statement you shared. There's

1418
01:06:08,160 --> 01:06:12,200
Speaker 1: a reason why these wisdom traditions will remind us of

1419
01:06:12,240 --> 01:06:16,880
Speaker 1: that impermanence and insignificance to some degree. And again, I

1420
01:06:16,920 --> 01:06:18,760
Speaker 1: loved what you said it's not in a negative way,

1421
01:06:18,800 --> 01:06:21,680
Speaker 1: it's not in a morbid way. It's actually to free

1422
01:06:21,720 --> 01:06:25,160
Speaker 1: yourself of the pressure and stress you put on yourself.

1423
01:06:25,440 --> 01:06:28,280
Speaker 3: Absolutely, And I think even now we have these we

1424
01:06:28,360 --> 01:06:30,960
Speaker 3: have these concepts of like legacy, you know what I mean,

1425
01:06:31,080 --> 01:06:33,120
Speaker 3: there's there's also this stretch of like, oh, I want

1426
01:06:33,120 --> 01:06:35,080
Speaker 3: to be alive after I'm not alive, And it's like,

1427
01:06:35,440 --> 01:06:38,360
Speaker 3: these are stories that were being told that we think

1428
01:06:38,400 --> 01:06:40,760
Speaker 3: are important. And I remember seeing an interview with Alex

1429
01:06:40,840 --> 01:06:42,560
Speaker 3: Ramosi where he spoke about it, like when's the last

1430
01:06:42,560 --> 01:06:44,520
Speaker 3: time you thought about the Queen of England? You know,

1431
01:06:44,640 --> 01:06:46,600
Speaker 3: she was really popular and then she passed away and

1432
01:06:47,000 --> 01:06:49,360
Speaker 3: we're not thinking about her. On we don't need to

1433
01:06:49,440 --> 01:06:52,360
Speaker 3: have legacy, you know. Let's enjoy what we have while

1434
01:06:52,360 --> 01:06:53,920
Speaker 3: we have. The only thing we have is the present.

1435
01:06:54,440 --> 01:06:57,200
Speaker 3: Especially when we speak about Eastern philosophy, especially for people

1436
01:06:57,200 --> 01:07:00,160
Speaker 3: listening here, it really is us having to unlearn a

1437
01:07:00,160 --> 01:07:01,800
Speaker 3: lot of the stories that we were told. We were

1438
01:07:01,880 --> 01:07:04,800
Speaker 3: told these linear stories. Do this, do this, do this,

1439
01:07:04,920 --> 01:07:07,800
Speaker 3: get over this hump, and then everything will be smooth sailing,

1440
01:07:07,920 --> 01:07:09,920
Speaker 3: It will be happily ever after you can ride off

1441
01:07:09,960 --> 01:07:12,400
Speaker 3: into the sunset. Everything will be great. And it's like, no,

1442
01:07:12,440 --> 01:07:16,360
Speaker 3: there's always a day after, halfily ever after, And instead

1443
01:07:16,360 --> 01:07:19,800
Speaker 3: of wishing for an easier life, let's work towards being

1444
01:07:19,800 --> 01:07:22,200
Speaker 3: able to hold more weight, because the weight's going to

1445
01:07:22,320 --> 01:07:25,439
Speaker 3: keep coming. And just as you're working out, fifteen years

1446
01:07:25,440 --> 01:07:27,120
Speaker 3: from now, the amount of effort you put working out

1447
01:07:27,440 --> 01:07:29,600
Speaker 3: will have to increase just for you to maintain where

1448
01:07:29,640 --> 01:07:32,360
Speaker 3: you're at. So it's the same thing with our mental health.

1449
01:07:32,760 --> 01:07:36,080
Speaker 3: Right now. Our avoiding, our distracting, our medicating is us

1450
01:07:36,120 --> 01:07:39,800
Speaker 3: maintaining and by all means maintained. But at some point

1451
01:07:39,880 --> 01:07:41,480
Speaker 3: we want to get to the point where we're actually

1452
01:07:41,560 --> 01:07:44,680
Speaker 3: growing from it, and that's going to require us leaning

1453
01:07:44,720 --> 01:07:49,040
Speaker 3: into things being more difficult, having more difficult conversations, acknowledging

1454
01:07:49,040 --> 01:07:50,520
Speaker 3: difficult realities like our.

1455
01:07:50,440 --> 01:07:51,720
Speaker 2: Death home of a poet.

1456
01:07:51,880 --> 01:07:55,880
Speaker 1: The book is called un Anxious Fifty Simple Truths to

1457
01:07:56,000 --> 01:07:59,680
Speaker 1: help overthinkers feel less stress and more calm. As always,

1458
01:07:59,720 --> 01:08:02,640
Speaker 1: I love books humble because the way you divide up

1459
01:08:02,720 --> 01:08:06,640
Speaker 1: these fifty lessons is so beautiful and it's so easy

1460
01:08:06,680 --> 01:08:10,760
Speaker 1: to digest, easy to understand. There's highlighted statements, there's quotes.

1461
01:08:11,360 --> 01:08:13,840
Speaker 1: Each section of the fifty is like, you know, two

1462
01:08:13,960 --> 01:08:19,120
Speaker 1: three pages thank you for always making complex, big difficult

1463
01:08:19,120 --> 01:08:22,679
Speaker 1: topics simple, easy and accessible for everyone to understand.

1464
01:08:22,720 --> 01:08:24,200
Speaker 2: Congratulations than you.

1465
01:08:24,439 --> 01:08:26,160
Speaker 3: I just want to thank you like you. This is

1466
01:08:26,200 --> 01:08:28,559
Speaker 3: also a moment of like closing the loop for me

1467
01:08:28,640 --> 01:08:31,639
Speaker 3: because it's you know, you gave me a beautiful blurb

1468
01:08:31,760 --> 01:08:35,080
Speaker 3: on the book, but it was because I was brainstorming

1469
01:08:35,520 --> 01:08:38,320
Speaker 3: the ideas to you over dinner and you were having

1470
01:08:38,800 --> 01:08:42,000
Speaker 3: authentic reactions to them, and it was like this journey

1471
01:08:42,360 --> 01:08:43,800
Speaker 3: for the last two and a half he was writing

1472
01:08:43,800 --> 01:08:46,439
Speaker 3: this book. There's also just these moments of you coming

1473
01:08:46,479 --> 01:08:49,520
Speaker 3: to visit in New York US, having a meals tia,

1474
01:08:50,439 --> 01:08:53,479
Speaker 3: a lot of FIFA and and just for the record,

1475
01:08:53,560 --> 01:08:55,839
Speaker 3: I want everyone to know Jay is the most frustrating

1476
01:08:55,880 --> 01:08:59,120
Speaker 3: person to play FIFA with because whenever you score on him,

1477
01:08:59,120 --> 01:09:01,920
Speaker 3: he'll congratulate you. He'll be like, great job, that was

1478
01:09:01,960 --> 01:09:04,439
Speaker 3: an awesome goal. He'll still beat you, but he'll do

1479
01:09:04,479 --> 01:09:06,200
Speaker 3: that so it's like you can't even like talk crap

1480
01:09:06,240 --> 01:09:09,040
Speaker 3: to him. It's so frustrating to like play somebody who

1481
01:09:09,040 --> 01:09:12,479
Speaker 3: beats you but doesn't hold space for crap talk. Instead,

1482
01:09:12,520 --> 01:09:15,000
Speaker 3: he'll just like he'll, oh, let's watch the replay of

1483
01:09:15,040 --> 01:09:16,759
Speaker 3: that goal you got on me. That was so good,

1484
01:09:17,040 --> 01:09:18,880
Speaker 3: and then he'll score five more goals on me and

1485
01:09:18,920 --> 01:09:22,479
Speaker 3: it's so extremely frustrating. And but one thing that you

1486
01:09:22,520 --> 01:09:24,840
Speaker 3: said the last time we played is I had music playing.

1487
01:09:24,880 --> 01:09:27,040
Speaker 3: I had the volume down, and then you're like, this

1488
01:09:27,120 --> 01:09:29,240
Speaker 3: feels different if we turn the music off and we

1489
01:09:29,280 --> 01:09:31,200
Speaker 3: put the volume on the game. You're like, Ooh, I

1490
01:09:31,360 --> 01:09:33,720
Speaker 3: like this, this gives me the right type of anxiety.

1491
01:09:33,800 --> 01:09:34,320
Speaker 1: Yeah.

1492
01:09:34,439 --> 01:09:37,439
Speaker 3: What I realize is while writing this book, I just

1493
01:09:37,479 --> 01:09:40,959
Speaker 3: have all these milestones of having all these different hangouts

1494
01:09:41,000 --> 01:09:43,800
Speaker 3: with you and running these ideas with you, and then

1495
01:09:43,800 --> 01:09:47,000
Speaker 3: I feel like today, having this conversation with you, having

1496
01:09:47,000 --> 01:09:49,479
Speaker 3: the book in your hand right now, it's this full

1497
01:09:49,479 --> 01:09:51,880
Speaker 3: circle moment. We kind of closes the loop, and I

1498
01:09:51,920 --> 01:09:54,599
Speaker 3: think it's that journey. It really is that journey that

1499
01:09:54,640 --> 01:09:56,920
Speaker 3: matters less than oh I have a book out now

1500
01:09:56,920 --> 01:09:58,320
Speaker 3: and I have to worry about how the book does.

1501
01:09:58,320 --> 01:10:00,559
Speaker 3: It's like, No, I got to have so much fun

1502
01:10:00,640 --> 01:10:03,040
Speaker 3: doing this with some of my favorite people, and you

1503
01:10:03,240 --> 01:10:06,360
Speaker 3: definitely are one of those people. So I deeply appreciate

1504
01:10:06,400 --> 01:10:09,599
Speaker 3: you for being endlessly supportive of this and all my projects.

1505
01:10:09,640 --> 01:10:11,040
Speaker 2: Man, No, man, it was fun.

1506
01:10:11,080 --> 01:10:13,960
Speaker 1: It was the best thing is hearing about your friends

1507
01:10:13,960 --> 01:10:16,320
Speaker 1: working on stuff and working on it with them, and

1508
01:10:16,520 --> 01:10:18,760
Speaker 1: you do the same for me and just I think

1509
01:10:18,800 --> 01:10:19,920
Speaker 1: that is the joy of it.

1510
01:10:20,080 --> 01:10:21,960
Speaker 2: And you're right, that is the best part about it.

1511
01:10:22,120 --> 01:10:24,400
Speaker 1: Yeah, and the fact that now people can dive into

1512
01:10:24,400 --> 01:10:26,559
Speaker 1: it is beautiful. And yeah, I wrote on the front

1513
01:10:26,560 --> 01:10:29,719
Speaker 1: cover three pages in, you'll feel a thousand pounds later,

1514
01:10:30,560 --> 01:10:33,799
Speaker 1: And I really feel that way. It's just made so simple,

1515
01:10:34,320 --> 01:10:37,400
Speaker 1: It's made so easy and digestible, and I think that's

1516
01:10:37,400 --> 01:10:39,599
Speaker 1: what we all need right now. The world's complex enough.

1517
01:10:39,640 --> 01:10:42,320
Speaker 1: You talk about that in the book Family Life. It's

1518
01:10:42,320 --> 01:10:45,880
Speaker 1: all complex enough. We don't need growth to be complex.

1519
01:10:45,600 --> 01:10:48,760
Speaker 3: Yes, especially now with change. It's just please remember it.

1520
01:10:49,000 --> 01:10:53,720
Speaker 3: The change isn't the enemy us. Resisting this change is

1521
01:10:54,040 --> 01:10:56,840
Speaker 3: what's going to give us more anxious feelings. The change

1522
01:10:56,920 --> 01:10:59,040
Speaker 3: is going to happen regardless changes of promise. It's a

1523
01:10:59,120 --> 01:11:02,680
Speaker 3: constant wherever you are in the world. We're all experiencing

1524
01:11:02,680 --> 01:11:05,840
Speaker 3: a lot of change, and that's okay, and if it

1525
01:11:05,840 --> 01:11:09,839
Speaker 3: gets overwhelming, that's also okay. But please, the more we resist,

1526
01:11:09,880 --> 01:11:12,360
Speaker 3: the tighter we hold against it, the more that we're

1527
01:11:12,360 --> 01:11:14,400
Speaker 3: just doing damage to ourselves. It's not going to be helpful.

1528
01:11:14,400 --> 01:11:17,960
Speaker 3: So let's embrace the change that's happening. Be curious about

1529
01:11:18,000 --> 01:11:19,679
Speaker 3: the change because that's where our courage can.

1530
01:11:19,600 --> 01:11:23,080
Speaker 1: Be well said, and grab a copy of the book.

1531
01:11:23,080 --> 01:11:26,120
Speaker 1: I'm anxious it's available right now. Make sure you follow

1532
01:11:26,160 --> 01:11:29,599
Speaker 1: Humble across social media if you don't already and Humble

1533
01:11:29,680 --> 01:11:31,800
Speaker 1: I hope you come back many many more times to

1534
01:11:31,840 --> 01:11:33,840
Speaker 1: have more of these conversations and a commay to hang

1535
01:11:33,880 --> 01:11:36,320
Speaker 1: this weekend and chat more as well, my friends.

1536
01:11:36,320 --> 01:11:38,720
Speaker 2: So thank you, brother, thank you so much, appreciate it.

1537
01:11:38,720 --> 01:11:40,640
Speaker 1: I'm super proud of you and really grateful for what

1538
01:11:40,680 --> 01:11:42,680
Speaker 1: you're doing in the world and excited for BEEO able

1539
01:11:42,680 --> 01:11:43,080
Speaker 1: to read this.

1540
01:11:43,200 --> 01:11:44,360
Speaker 2: Thank you, Thank you brother.

1541
01:11:44,640 --> 01:11:47,320
Speaker 1: If this is the year that you're trying to get creative,

1542
01:11:47,400 --> 01:11:49,960
Speaker 1: you're trying to build more, I need you to listen

1543
01:11:50,000 --> 01:11:52,960
Speaker 1: to this episode with Rick Rubin on how to break

1544
01:11:52,960 --> 01:11:57,160
Speaker 1: into your most creative self, how to use unconventional methods

1545
01:11:57,200 --> 01:12:01,040
Speaker 1: that lead to success, and the secret to genuinely loving

1546
01:12:01,080 --> 01:12:03,599
Speaker 1: what you do. If you're trying to find your passion

1547
01:12:03,640 --> 01:12:07,080
Speaker 1: and your lane, Rick Rubin's episode is the one for you.

1548
01:12:07,560 --> 01:12:09,799
Speaker 2: Just because I like it, that doesn't give it any value,

1549
01:12:10,120 --> 01:12:12,000
Speaker 2: Like as an artist, if you like it.

1550
01:12:12,040 --> 01:12:13,560
Speaker 3: That's all of the value.

1551
01:12:13,680 --> 01:12:17,040
Speaker 2: That's the success comes when you say I like this

1552
01:12:17,240 --> 01:12:18,760
Speaker 2: enough for other people to see it.