1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:04,040 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, or welcome back to the show. Welcome back 2 00:00:04,080 --> 00:00:08,160 Speaker 1: to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, wherever you are 3 00:00:08,160 --> 00:00:10,360 Speaker 1: in the world, it is so great to have you here. 4 00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:14,400 Speaker 1: Back for another episode as we, of course break down 5 00:00:14,440 --> 00:00:18,040 Speaker 1: the psychology of our twenties. I'm sitting here in the 6 00:00:18,079 --> 00:00:21,400 Speaker 1: studio with my dog. Actually, for those of you who 7 00:00:21,440 --> 00:00:23,640 Speaker 1: don't know, I foster failed. I have a dog now, 8 00:00:24,160 --> 00:00:27,720 Speaker 1: big life updates on that one. But I've been getting 9 00:00:27,760 --> 00:00:30,280 Speaker 1: warmed up for this topic because it is going to 10 00:00:30,320 --> 00:00:34,040 Speaker 1: be a supreme deep dive into what is slowly becoming, 11 00:00:34,240 --> 00:00:38,040 Speaker 1: i would say, a defining but also exhausting part of 12 00:00:38,200 --> 00:00:42,400 Speaker 1: modern dating in our twenties. That is the talking stage, 13 00:00:42,560 --> 00:00:48,040 Speaker 1: that kind of murky, unlabeled limbo where you're messaging someone 14 00:00:48,120 --> 00:00:51,120 Speaker 1: like every single day, you're flirting, you're sharing things, but 15 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:55,800 Speaker 1: you're not dating. Maybe you haven't even met in person yet. 16 00:00:55,880 --> 00:00:58,000 Speaker 1: You're not really sure where things are going or if 17 00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:01,840 Speaker 1: they're going anywhere at all. Yeah, it's this strange thing 18 00:01:02,120 --> 00:01:05,319 Speaker 1: where this person has become part of your daily life. 19 00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:09,640 Speaker 1: You're kind of expecting things from them. So why do 20 00:01:09,720 --> 00:01:13,560 Speaker 1: we even have a talking stage and why has it 21 00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:19,240 Speaker 1: become so psychologically intense as of recent We're going to 22 00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:24,160 Speaker 1: break down the psychology behind this today, specifically, what makes 23 00:01:24,240 --> 00:01:29,000 Speaker 1: a talking stage so compelling? Why do we get attached 24 00:01:29,080 --> 00:01:33,200 Speaker 1: without even knowing someone? How do we protect ourselves from 25 00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:37,920 Speaker 1: emotionally investing in people that we are interested in while 26 00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:42,480 Speaker 1: still being open to communicating lots of big questions there 27 00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:46,399 Speaker 1: were also going to look at the personality traits of 28 00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:52,160 Speaker 1: people who extend and love a prolonged talking stage, perhaps 29 00:01:52,240 --> 00:01:55,760 Speaker 1: the people you should be avoiding, and the role of 30 00:01:55,840 --> 00:02:01,960 Speaker 1: certain traits like commitment, readiness, intermittent reinforcements. And also, this 31 00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:06,040 Speaker 1: is a big message for this episode, why playing games 32 00:02:06,680 --> 00:02:11,640 Speaker 1: game playing in the talking stage is basically going to 33 00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:14,320 Speaker 1: instantaneously mean that you are not going to be in 34 00:02:14,360 --> 00:02:19,000 Speaker 1: a relationship with that person. We need to be pursuing authenticity, 35 00:02:19,760 --> 00:02:23,959 Speaker 1: especially in this current dating environment where you know, dating 36 00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:28,960 Speaker 1: apps give us the illusion of endless choices and endless possibilities, 37 00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:30,600 Speaker 1: and no one wants to commit, no one wants to 38 00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:33,960 Speaker 1: go on dates. Being authentic and direct about what you 39 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:38,280 Speaker 1: want is the only way. So if you have ever 40 00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:42,280 Speaker 1: felt stuck in a never ending talking stage, you are 41 00:02:42,320 --> 00:02:44,920 Speaker 1: not alone. I have been there, done that, got the 42 00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:48,000 Speaker 1: T shirt as have many other people in their twenties. 43 00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:50,760 Speaker 1: But we're going to unpack it today, all of the psychology, 44 00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:52,680 Speaker 1: as well as a little bit of a guide to 45 00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:56,120 Speaker 1: getting through the talking stage, how to find closure when 46 00:02:56,160 --> 00:02:59,960 Speaker 1: the talking stage perhaps ends, and my heart and fast 47 00:03:00,120 --> 00:03:03,840 Speaker 1: rules for exactly how long you should be chatting with 48 00:03:03,880 --> 00:03:06,880 Speaker 1: someone before you go on a date. So, with all 49 00:03:06,919 --> 00:03:14,639 Speaker 1: of that in mind, stay with us. So I want 50 00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:19,040 Speaker 1: to begin by kind of defining some parameters here the 51 00:03:19,120 --> 00:03:21,640 Speaker 1: talking stage to me, I know it has a few 52 00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:24,440 Speaker 1: different ways of being thought about, but for me, it 53 00:03:24,560 --> 00:03:27,960 Speaker 1: is the stage before you officially go on a date. 54 00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:31,680 Speaker 1: It's the lead up, it's the preamble. It may also 55 00:03:31,720 --> 00:03:35,160 Speaker 1: sometimes last past the first I would say two dates 56 00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:38,720 Speaker 1: if there is long gaps between when you are going 57 00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:41,360 Speaker 1: on dates in which you were talking. But it's really 58 00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:45,080 Speaker 1: that period where you're on each other's radar, but you're 59 00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:50,960 Speaker 1: not consistently dating. You're not planning for dates date one 60 00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:54,840 Speaker 1: or date two or date three. So essentially, the defining 61 00:03:54,920 --> 00:03:57,800 Speaker 1: feature of a talking stage is you are spending the 62 00:03:57,800 --> 00:04:01,760 Speaker 1: majority of your time communemmunicating with them over a messenger, 63 00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:06,480 Speaker 1: over text online, and not much time making concrete plans 64 00:04:06,600 --> 00:04:09,680 Speaker 1: or seeing each other in real life, which I think 65 00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:13,880 Speaker 1: we can all agree is really preferable. Let's talk about this. 66 00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:16,120 Speaker 1: Why do we even have a talking stage to begin 67 00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:20,440 Speaker 1: with if most people's experience of it is awful and 68 00:04:20,520 --> 00:04:24,440 Speaker 1: less than pleasant. Well, essentially, the talking stage is part 69 00:04:24,480 --> 00:04:28,440 Speaker 1: of what we call our modern dating script. So the 70 00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:32,320 Speaker 1: modern dating script is basically the storyline we all expect 71 00:04:32,720 --> 00:04:37,000 Speaker 1: a romance to follow. It's the script that influences how 72 00:04:37,040 --> 00:04:40,520 Speaker 1: you believe you should interact at certain times, what your 73 00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:44,000 Speaker 1: timeline should be. And it kind of goes like this. 74 00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:47,599 Speaker 1: You cross paths, you spend some time talking to figure 75 00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:50,080 Speaker 1: each other out, then you go on a date. You 76 00:04:50,240 --> 00:04:52,880 Speaker 1: on a few more dates, wait a few months, make 77 00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:54,800 Speaker 1: sure they're not seeing other people, make sure you're not 78 00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:57,839 Speaker 1: seeing other people, and hopefully you end up in a relationship. 79 00:04:58,279 --> 00:05:01,520 Speaker 1: During each stage or chat that there are different ways 80 00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:04,640 Speaker 1: of communicating and interacting with each other that we kind 81 00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:09,680 Speaker 1: of pick up from media, culture, society at large. Of course, 82 00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:13,279 Speaker 1: ending up in a relationship, most of us would be 83 00:05:13,320 --> 00:05:16,720 Speaker 1: able to tell this is not always the case. At 84 00:05:16,760 --> 00:05:20,400 Speaker 1: every stage of this script or this narrative, there is 85 00:05:20,440 --> 00:05:23,560 Speaker 1: a way for things to get complicated. The talking stage 86 00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:27,240 Speaker 1: is no different in some cultures and countries like there 87 00:05:27,320 --> 00:05:31,120 Speaker 1: is no talking stage. That's just not part of their 88 00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:34,520 Speaker 1: dating script, you know, the only talking that gets done 89 00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:39,640 Speaker 1: is asking someone to go out immediately. But it's definitely 90 00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:42,479 Speaker 1: becoming a more prominent part of how we viewed dating. 91 00:05:43,160 --> 00:05:47,640 Speaker 1: And actually this generation, more than any other, take longer 92 00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:50,679 Speaker 1: to decide if they want to date someone. A twenty 93 00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:52,800 Speaker 1: twenty four study it was one of the first to 94 00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:57,640 Speaker 1: really investigate the talking stage. It found that the talking 95 00:05:57,680 --> 00:06:01,080 Speaker 1: stage is what they would call a new relationship construct. 96 00:06:01,279 --> 00:06:04,320 Speaker 1: It is something that has really only emerged in the 97 00:06:04,360 --> 00:06:08,680 Speaker 1: past fifteen years. Before twenty I think it was like 98 00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:12,359 Speaker 1: twenty ten, twenty twelve, the talking stage was not really 99 00:06:12,520 --> 00:06:15,280 Speaker 1: part of our vocab, but wasn't really a term. It 100 00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:20,080 Speaker 1: wasn't really part of the early dating period. The reason 101 00:06:20,120 --> 00:06:23,080 Speaker 1: why people in this generation are spending more time in 102 00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:27,400 Speaker 1: the talking stage is because this period allows us to 103 00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:31,240 Speaker 1: assess compatibility. Yes, it does allow us to test if 104 00:06:31,279 --> 00:06:33,840 Speaker 1: we have the same interests, if we communicate the same, 105 00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:36,599 Speaker 1: if we have the spark. It does allow us to 106 00:06:36,640 --> 00:06:39,839 Speaker 1: tell is this person a total asshole? But it's also 107 00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:43,960 Speaker 1: being used to really protect us against pain and to 108 00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:47,719 Speaker 1: also help us avoid the emotional sunk costs that would 109 00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:51,120 Speaker 1: occur if we just dived in headfirst into a relationship. 110 00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:54,760 Speaker 1: That is typically what we think a talking stage is 111 00:06:54,839 --> 00:06:58,239 Speaker 1: meant to help us do. But this same study really 112 00:06:58,320 --> 00:07:02,280 Speaker 1: examined that an inc increase in the pool of potential 113 00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:07,360 Speaker 1: partners has facilitated this rides in the talking stage. The 114 00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:11,920 Speaker 1: main culprit being dating apps. People want to keep options 115 00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:16,440 Speaker 1: open because this you know, availability of other people is 116 00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:20,960 Speaker 1: so much more obvious. It's just this huge pressure that 117 00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:23,400 Speaker 1: there is always going to be someone else out there 118 00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:27,160 Speaker 1: who could potentially be better for you. So people want 119 00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:32,040 Speaker 1: to keep options open. People want to not settle down 120 00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:37,280 Speaker 1: as quickly or you know, choose someone. And the paradox 121 00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:41,720 Speaker 1: or irony of this is that normally they're actually missing 122 00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:43,840 Speaker 1: out on the person who is right in front of them, 123 00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:47,680 Speaker 1: who may be really great, because you keep thinking that 124 00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:50,840 Speaker 1: someone better out there exists when the person that you 125 00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:54,440 Speaker 1: are thinking of is completely made up. It's a classic 126 00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:58,080 Speaker 1: example of the paradox of choice. We have too many options. 127 00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:02,480 Speaker 1: Dating apps are creating the illusion of infinite possibilities that 128 00:08:02,560 --> 00:08:06,480 Speaker 1: makes it harder for people to commit because it makes 129 00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:10,120 Speaker 1: it makes the possibility of something better, seem a lot 130 00:08:10,160 --> 00:08:13,640 Speaker 1: more real. I think what's hard about this as well 131 00:08:13,840 --> 00:08:16,960 Speaker 1: is that the talking stage and the emergence of this 132 00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:20,040 Speaker 1: has only happened in the last fifteen years, and yet 133 00:08:20,040 --> 00:08:24,360 Speaker 1: we're still comparing our stories of dating to like the 134 00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:28,400 Speaker 1: love stories of before. And we're also facing confusion from 135 00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:32,560 Speaker 1: relatives and family members who have entirely different perspectives on 136 00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:37,240 Speaker 1: dating from when they were finding love, and so the 137 00:08:37,280 --> 00:08:40,120 Speaker 1: stigma feels very severe. It's very severe, but it's because 138 00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:44,520 Speaker 1: our reality is just simply different. Our families don't understand. 139 00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:47,439 Speaker 1: They think that dating is the way it was when 140 00:08:47,440 --> 00:08:50,840 Speaker 1: they were getting to know people, and so we're facing 141 00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:53,520 Speaker 1: this dual frustration of being like, well, I wish it was, 142 00:08:53,640 --> 00:08:56,840 Speaker 1: but also it's not so understand that this is just 143 00:08:57,080 --> 00:08:59,200 Speaker 1: something we have to deal with. So this is what 144 00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:01,920 Speaker 1: I believe. I'm going to give you a hard and 145 00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:06,400 Speaker 1: fast rule here. I believe the talking stage should be 146 00:09:06,760 --> 00:09:12,520 Speaker 1: entirely about information gathering and honesty, nothing more. I also 147 00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:17,760 Speaker 1: think it should not last longer than one month maximum maximum. 148 00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:21,360 Speaker 1: At one month, you've got a press pause or you've 149 00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:24,640 Speaker 1: got to make plans asap. It's like when you go 150 00:09:24,760 --> 00:09:26,960 Speaker 1: for a job and you have that initial interview to 151 00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:29,280 Speaker 1: see if you vibe that's what a date is meant 152 00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:32,000 Speaker 1: to be, not the talking stage. You know, imagine doing 153 00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:34,560 Speaker 1: a job interview. But it was entirely over email, Like 154 00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:37,120 Speaker 1: you don't really get to know someone, and you don't 155 00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:40,680 Speaker 1: really get to know someone over just texting either, Like 156 00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:44,920 Speaker 1: there's so many ways that they can create the illusion 157 00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:48,840 Speaker 1: or perception of who they are. You need to be 158 00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:52,200 Speaker 1: on that on that date, like you need to be 159 00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:56,720 Speaker 1: in person talking for real. You know, I get so 160 00:09:56,840 --> 00:09:59,760 Speaker 1: frustrated at today's dating culture that is so quick to 161 00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:02,880 Speaker 1: wear someone else's time in the name of getting to 162 00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:06,080 Speaker 1: know someone without ever actually taking them on a date, 163 00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:09,880 Speaker 1: especially when you're secretly comparing them to other options that 164 00:10:09,920 --> 00:10:13,040 Speaker 1: you have. You know, I know, we don't want to 165 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:16,439 Speaker 1: regret our choice of romantic partner. It is a big 166 00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:19,760 Speaker 1: and significant decision. It does determine a lot of our happiness. 167 00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:24,200 Speaker 1: But how unfair, How unfair to just keep someone on 168 00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:27,960 Speaker 1: the line and just keep chatting to them and never 169 00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:30,520 Speaker 1: taking them on a date, because what you're waiting for 170 00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:34,280 Speaker 1: someone else to come along. If you have to question it, 171 00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:36,920 Speaker 1: if you have to question it before you've even met 172 00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:39,800 Speaker 1: them in person, I think you have to give the 173 00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:44,360 Speaker 1: other person the kindness of letting them go and letting 174 00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:47,240 Speaker 1: them go and find someone who is one hundred percent 175 00:10:47,640 --> 00:10:50,120 Speaker 1: yes about just wanting to meet them and see where 176 00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:53,359 Speaker 1: things go. Maybe not one hundred percent yes about the relationship, 177 00:10:53,760 --> 00:10:56,160 Speaker 1: but it's because you haven't got on a date yet. 178 00:10:56,200 --> 00:11:00,760 Speaker 1: Like the talking stage should only be about information, you 179 00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:04,080 Speaker 1: are not meant to be making any decisions. The decisions 180 00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:07,120 Speaker 1: should only be made based on the dates and the 181 00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:09,920 Speaker 1: real life exposure you have. I truly just think we 182 00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:13,920 Speaker 1: are just overthinking this. We're overthinking the talking stage. I 183 00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:17,360 Speaker 1: see people in like three months, six months, sometimes even 184 00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:20,920 Speaker 1: year long talking stages, and it's just like you're waiting 185 00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:24,080 Speaker 1: for a caterpillar to turn into a butterfly and realizing 186 00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:27,600 Speaker 1: the entire time that you had a stick. You know, 187 00:11:27,679 --> 00:11:31,120 Speaker 1: That's what that feels like. There is a certain profile 188 00:11:31,120 --> 00:11:34,600 Speaker 1: of individuals I see who I think really enjoy the 189 00:11:34,720 --> 00:11:39,000 Speaker 1: extended talking stage more than others, and they often display 190 00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:41,240 Speaker 1: the following traits. These are the people that if you 191 00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:44,440 Speaker 1: don't like a long talking stage like I do, like 192 00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:46,440 Speaker 1: I don't, I'm sorry I should say I don't like 193 00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:49,720 Speaker 1: a long talking stage. I never have I never will. 194 00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:53,240 Speaker 1: This is who you need to look up for. Firstly, 195 00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:57,000 Speaker 1: the first kind of person who loves a talking stage 196 00:11:57,000 --> 00:12:00,600 Speaker 1: and never a date is someone who is low in 197 00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:05,360 Speaker 1: a trait known as commitment readiness. So this was a 198 00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:08,800 Speaker 1: trait first identified by a paper published in twenty eighteen, 199 00:12:09,280 --> 00:12:13,040 Speaker 1: and the paper basically found that we all exist on 200 00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:17,640 Speaker 1: a spectrum of either wanting or not wanting commitment, and 201 00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:22,000 Speaker 1: at any point we are somewhere on that scale between 202 00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:24,960 Speaker 1: high commitment readiness, which means like you are ready to 203 00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:27,680 Speaker 1: go you are either in a committed relationship or like 204 00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:29,720 Speaker 1: the next person who comes along, you're going to grab 205 00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:32,760 Speaker 1: them and you're gonna make it happen, or your low 206 00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:35,719 Speaker 1: in commitment readiness, meaning you don't want to be attached 207 00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:40,000 Speaker 1: to anyone. So people who are low on commitment readiness 208 00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:43,160 Speaker 1: do not want a relationship. They may still want intimacy, 209 00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:47,480 Speaker 1: they may still want entertainment dopamine from the pursuit, but 210 00:12:47,520 --> 00:12:50,040 Speaker 1: they are also the ones who are most likely going 211 00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:53,280 Speaker 1: to keep you in the talking stage for longer because 212 00:12:53,320 --> 00:12:58,800 Speaker 1: they understand that once they move you into the dating zone, 213 00:12:59,080 --> 00:13:00,880 Speaker 1: then they're going to have to deal with the questions 214 00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:04,600 Speaker 1: of commitment. And this going somewhere. The talking stage is 215 00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:08,400 Speaker 1: a great pen power situation. It's a great limbo situation. 216 00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:11,280 Speaker 1: People do shift up and down this scale by the 217 00:13:11,320 --> 00:13:14,720 Speaker 1: way of commitment readiness. If you've just broken up with someone, 218 00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:18,000 Speaker 1: you're probably very low on the commitment readiness scale, but 219 00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:22,760 Speaker 1: if you just got married, you're obviously very high. So 220 00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:26,480 Speaker 1: maybe this person will change. Great news for you, though 221 00:13:26,480 --> 00:13:28,320 Speaker 1: you don't have to wait for that. There is no 222 00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:31,160 Speaker 1: point you're trying to force them to move up or 223 00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:33,920 Speaker 1: down the scale. That is something that they can only 224 00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:37,719 Speaker 1: do from themselves, and because they want to, there's no 225 00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:40,800 Speaker 1: point trying. You just need to move on. The Other 226 00:13:40,840 --> 00:13:44,640 Speaker 1: thing that talking stage proponents have in common is often 227 00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:49,240 Speaker 1: an anxious, avoidant, ambivalent attachment style. They've been hurt before. 228 00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:53,480 Speaker 1: The early childhood experiences have maybe taught them that closeness 229 00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:56,800 Speaker 1: equals pain, and so they may keep you at arm's 230 00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:59,920 Speaker 1: length as a way to protect themselves emotionally from really 231 00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:04,480 Speaker 1: investing in you. It doesn't mean they may not want more, 232 00:14:04,880 --> 00:14:09,120 Speaker 1: they just can't bring themselves to initiate it. Again, that's 233 00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:13,760 Speaker 1: a really hard situation, But at that point I do 234 00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:18,120 Speaker 1: think that you cannot wait around until their attachment style 235 00:14:18,240 --> 00:14:22,360 Speaker 1: suddenly heals, especially if they are not even willing to 236 00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:25,800 Speaker 1: ask people on dates, it shows that unfortunately, they do 237 00:14:25,880 --> 00:14:29,840 Speaker 1: have a lot of work to do themselves, and it's 238 00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:32,520 Speaker 1: not like things are going to change once you're suddenly dating. 239 00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:35,480 Speaker 1: Like the time where you should be most excited about 240 00:14:35,480 --> 00:14:38,520 Speaker 1: a relationship is when you're first getting to know someone, 241 00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:41,440 Speaker 1: and if they're not well, that's not going to get better. 242 00:14:42,680 --> 00:14:46,080 Speaker 1: The final trait I tend to notice for those who 243 00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:49,520 Speaker 1: love a talking stage is a class of people called 244 00:14:49,920 --> 00:14:54,360 Speaker 1: novelty seekers. Obviously, as humans, we have a baseline desire 245 00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:58,320 Speaker 1: and in fact a need for newness, for novelty in 246 00:14:58,360 --> 00:15:01,880 Speaker 1: our everyday lives. But some people find that this novelty 247 00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:05,280 Speaker 1: is most satisfying to them when it comes in the 248 00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:08,920 Speaker 1: form of human connection. So they are psychologically stimulated by 249 00:15:09,120 --> 00:15:12,800 Speaker 1: the uncertainty of getting to know people, the exploration and 250 00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:17,400 Speaker 1: the emotional novelty from talking stages. You know, talking stages 251 00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:20,480 Speaker 1: are fun, They're exciting. Everything is new, you don't know 252 00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:22,320 Speaker 1: and you don't know anything about this person. They can 253 00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:24,960 Speaker 1: be anything you want them to be, so they really 254 00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:29,600 Speaker 1: enjoy that. They love that like flirtatious tension, that possibility 255 00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:33,680 Speaker 1: that potential, but when things start getting real, well that 256 00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:35,760 Speaker 1: can be the end of that. You know, the high 257 00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:40,080 Speaker 1: is done for them, the fun is done. There's nothing 258 00:15:40,080 --> 00:15:42,720 Speaker 1: wrong with any of these things or the people who 259 00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:46,800 Speaker 1: possess these traits. But if you are exhausted from another 260 00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:51,560 Speaker 1: dead end talking stage, maybe it's possible that this profile 261 00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:55,320 Speaker 1: of people are the people you keep meeting. These are 262 00:15:55,360 --> 00:15:59,120 Speaker 1: the people who keep coming across, coming into your lives, 263 00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:01,600 Speaker 1: either through dating, app or through friends or through wherever. 264 00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:05,360 Speaker 1: Maybe these can actors red flags or kind of an 265 00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:09,800 Speaker 1: early warning system for you that if someone is displaying 266 00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:13,480 Speaker 1: these things, hey, maybe this isn't leading where you think 267 00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:15,400 Speaker 1: it's going to be leading. Maybe you nip it in 268 00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:19,680 Speaker 1: the bud now. So this next big question we have 269 00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:23,000 Speaker 1: that I'm very keen to answer. Why is the talking 270 00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:28,320 Speaker 1: stage so psychologically intense even when we know we should 271 00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:31,520 Speaker 1: just be information seeking, even when we know we should 272 00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:35,040 Speaker 1: kind of keep our guard up until we're actually getting 273 00:16:35,040 --> 00:16:38,240 Speaker 1: to know them in person. So the reason it's so 274 00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:42,440 Speaker 1: psychologically intense is it the entire situation and the entire 275 00:16:42,520 --> 00:16:47,840 Speaker 1: emotional environment you are in is uncertain, and uncertain situations 276 00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:51,680 Speaker 1: take more from us mentally than certain ones. We are 277 00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:54,800 Speaker 1: constantly judging how much do I give, how much do 278 00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:56,880 Speaker 1: I show? Do I text back? What do I say? 279 00:16:56,920 --> 00:17:00,680 Speaker 1: Do they like me? Is this turning them off? Exhausting? 280 00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:04,600 Speaker 1: And sometimes this can turn into some mind games, some 281 00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:07,439 Speaker 1: dating games, you know, the games we play in the 282 00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:10,240 Speaker 1: talking stage like they are like no other. But what 283 00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:14,800 Speaker 1: one researcher has really argued is that games are actually 284 00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:18,560 Speaker 1: quite destructive to relationships. And actually the reason that we 285 00:17:18,600 --> 00:17:23,320 Speaker 1: play them is for self protection. It's not because we 286 00:17:23,359 --> 00:17:27,399 Speaker 1: are trying to move something along. It's because we're trying 287 00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:29,120 Speaker 1: to make sure that we aren't the first one who 288 00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:32,399 Speaker 1: is hurt. If they're not messaging you back right away, 289 00:17:32,520 --> 00:17:34,960 Speaker 1: then neither should you, because you don't want to feel 290 00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:37,719 Speaker 1: the full If they're only sending you videos on one 291 00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:40,959 Speaker 1: word replies, you should do that as well. By matching 292 00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:44,720 Speaker 1: their tone, we think that this will help us keep 293 00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:49,040 Speaker 1: us less invested, but actually changing our behavior to meet 294 00:17:49,119 --> 00:17:52,760 Speaker 1: theirs indicates the opposite. It indicates that we are invested 295 00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:55,920 Speaker 1: enough to notice. It indicates that we are invested enough 296 00:17:55,920 --> 00:17:58,800 Speaker 1: to not want to set them off or give them 297 00:17:58,840 --> 00:18:02,400 Speaker 1: a reason to not talk to us. Just a reminder, 298 00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:06,240 Speaker 1: you can never say the wrong thing to the right person, 299 00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:11,360 Speaker 1: Please resist the urge to play games. Authenticity in these 300 00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:14,120 Speaker 1: situations it is so key. I wish I had known 301 00:18:14,160 --> 00:18:16,720 Speaker 1: that sooner. There are so many times when if I 302 00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:19,040 Speaker 1: had just said what I meant and what I wanted 303 00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:21,840 Speaker 1: to say when I wanted to say it, I would 304 00:18:21,880 --> 00:18:24,359 Speaker 1: have been able to figure out someone so much quicker, 305 00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:26,520 Speaker 1: and I would have been able to realize that they 306 00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:29,280 Speaker 1: were never going to be what I was after. But 307 00:18:29,359 --> 00:18:31,560 Speaker 1: all of the success of thinking. The other thing that 308 00:18:31,600 --> 00:18:35,680 Speaker 1: it does is it leaves our brain assuming, hey, well, 309 00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:39,120 Speaker 1: this person must be important because we're constantly thinking about them, 310 00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:42,000 Speaker 1: We're changing our behavior for them. So it makes the 311 00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:45,800 Speaker 1: whole situation take on a much more serious tone. It 312 00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:49,399 Speaker 1: implants them in our brain. That is what makes it 313 00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:52,120 Speaker 1: so hard to let go and so intense. The other 314 00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:55,760 Speaker 1: reason it can be so psychologically intense talking stages. Talking 315 00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:59,639 Speaker 1: stages are by nature ambiguous. There aren't clear boundaries, but 316 00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:02,919 Speaker 1: there's all so much potential. Then there's the concept of 317 00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:09,080 Speaker 1: intermittent reinforcement. This is the same psychological mechanism that keeps 318 00:19:09,119 --> 00:19:12,919 Speaker 1: people addicted to slot machines at the casino or like 319 00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:16,000 Speaker 1: any form of gambling. You know you don't win every time, 320 00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:19,520 Speaker 1: but you win just enough to stay hooked. You know, 321 00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:21,960 Speaker 1: a good morning text one day and then the next 322 00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:26,040 Speaker 1: day nothing, a very flirty conversation followed by them not 323 00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:30,600 Speaker 1: saying anything for three days. It creates a psychological reward 324 00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:34,040 Speaker 1: loop that can feel very addictive. Of course, you know, 325 00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:36,040 Speaker 1: at the core of this experience again I'm going to 326 00:19:36,119 --> 00:19:38,480 Speaker 1: bring it up, is the potential that it could turn 327 00:19:38,520 --> 00:19:42,720 Speaker 1: into more. And that's really exciting, especially if you've been 328 00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:46,000 Speaker 1: single for a while or you are getting really great vibes. 329 00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:50,840 Speaker 1: And that leads to such an important question, how do 330 00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:54,480 Speaker 1: you not get attached too quickly? I've been there when 331 00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:57,679 Speaker 1: I was single. Oh my goodness, I would find it 332 00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:01,679 Speaker 1: so hard and not immediately we plan for a future 333 00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:03,320 Speaker 1: with someone when we don't only been talking for like 334 00:20:03,359 --> 00:20:05,840 Speaker 1: a few days. It can be so hard to not 335 00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:08,359 Speaker 1: think that everyone is the one. It can be so 336 00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:11,200 Speaker 1: hard to keep up your standards and to not get hurt. 337 00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:14,720 Speaker 1: So we're going to talk about the exact formula and 338 00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:17,439 Speaker 1: things you need to do to keep that distance in 339 00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:24,840 Speaker 1: the early stages when we return to stay with us. 340 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:29,600 Speaker 1: I think a talking stage becomes particularly difficult when we 341 00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:33,280 Speaker 1: get attached. When we know we shouldn't we get attached 342 00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:37,080 Speaker 1: before we have any confidence that this is going to 343 00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:41,800 Speaker 1: actually go anywhere. Rationally, this is very hard, right because 344 00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:44,680 Speaker 1: we want to pump the brakes, but our mind, our heart, 345 00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:47,440 Speaker 1: whatever it is, has other plans, and we feel very 346 00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:51,439 Speaker 1: powerless over it. You know, this is what my experience was. 347 00:20:52,119 --> 00:20:55,560 Speaker 1: I just couldn't help myself. My thoughts kept going back 348 00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:59,840 Speaker 1: to that person, my behaviors automatically seem to change. I 349 00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:04,359 Speaker 1: would find myself idolizing the fantasy of them, constantly checking 350 00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:08,280 Speaker 1: my phone, and I would consciously be trying to stop, 351 00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:11,560 Speaker 1: and I couldn't do it. This is also particularly hard. 352 00:21:11,560 --> 00:21:14,360 Speaker 1: I think if you're someone who is quite anxious, even 353 00:21:14,359 --> 00:21:17,280 Speaker 1: a bit of a romantic, you know, who wouldn't chase 354 00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:21,800 Speaker 1: after the possibility of love, who doesn't want to fall 355 00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:24,479 Speaker 1: for the idea that they could be seen and loved. 356 00:21:25,359 --> 00:21:29,399 Speaker 1: That's what every person wants. It's only natural to have 357 00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:32,160 Speaker 1: that opportunity right in front of us, and to think 358 00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:35,680 Speaker 1: about it and to want it even more. But when 359 00:21:35,680 --> 00:21:38,760 Speaker 1: we do get attached too easily, it really has nothing 360 00:21:38,760 --> 00:21:40,760 Speaker 1: to do with what happens to the other person. Right. 361 00:21:41,080 --> 00:21:44,480 Speaker 1: Sometimes people worry about getting attached too quickly because they 362 00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:46,879 Speaker 1: think it's going to scare them off. I think what 363 00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:49,000 Speaker 1: we actually need to be worried about with this is 364 00:21:49,440 --> 00:21:51,920 Speaker 1: the consequences that it might have for us and our 365 00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:55,800 Speaker 1: own standards, our own wellbeing, our own state of mind, 366 00:21:56,480 --> 00:22:01,000 Speaker 1: what we look past when we shouldn't. So this is 367 00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:02,280 Speaker 1: what we need to do to just keep a bit 368 00:22:02,320 --> 00:22:05,160 Speaker 1: of our sanity. One of my favorite studies of all 369 00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:09,160 Speaker 1: time investigated the reason behind why we settled too soon, 370 00:22:09,760 --> 00:22:12,080 Speaker 1: and it found that this often happens when we are 371 00:22:12,119 --> 00:22:15,160 Speaker 1: bored or when the rest of our life has become 372 00:22:15,320 --> 00:22:18,520 Speaker 1: quite stagnant. We don't feel like we have much else 373 00:22:19,040 --> 00:22:22,680 Speaker 1: going on. The other factor is having a poor self 374 00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:26,440 Speaker 1: concept and feeling like this is as good as it's 375 00:22:26,480 --> 00:22:28,960 Speaker 1: going to get. This is as good as I'll find, 376 00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:32,560 Speaker 1: I may as well go for it. The way to 377 00:22:32,640 --> 00:22:37,520 Speaker 1: counteract this is to keep your life beyond deity, specifically 378 00:22:37,560 --> 00:22:42,000 Speaker 1: beyond the people you're talking to, as interesting and vibrant 379 00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:46,080 Speaker 1: and full as possible. Now, this has a few effects. 380 00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:49,119 Speaker 1: It means you won't be bored. We eliminate that you 381 00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:52,320 Speaker 1: won't be impressed by the bare minimum, but also you'll 382 00:22:52,359 --> 00:22:55,240 Speaker 1: have something else to think about to keep you distracted, 383 00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:59,679 Speaker 1: and the more you are passionate about in your solo life, 384 00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:03,320 Speaker 1: independent life, I think, the less you'll lower your standards 385 00:23:03,320 --> 00:23:07,119 Speaker 1: for someone who doesn't absolutely contribute and expand what you 386 00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:10,960 Speaker 1: already have. It's also really important to slow down the 387 00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:13,720 Speaker 1: part of your brain that is bound to start fantasizing. 388 00:23:14,080 --> 00:23:17,359 Speaker 1: This part of your brain is called the default mode network. 389 00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:26,560 Speaker 1: It's responsible for dreaming, fantasy, memory, creativity. Its counterforce is 390 00:23:26,600 --> 00:23:31,640 Speaker 1: our executive functioning. It's our rational mind which can come 391 00:23:31,720 --> 00:23:35,240 Speaker 1: into these fantasy scenarios and say, wow, that's pretty, that's 392 00:23:35,359 --> 00:23:39,119 Speaker 1: very nice. But here's the cold, hard truth. So the 393 00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:41,320 Speaker 1: way to do this is I want you to deliberately 394 00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:44,800 Speaker 1: call on your executive thoughts to notice when you're filling 395 00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:48,879 Speaker 1: in gaps with idealized versions of who this person could be, 396 00:23:49,800 --> 00:23:52,199 Speaker 1: not who they are. I want you to really be 397 00:23:52,280 --> 00:23:56,000 Speaker 1: on the lookout for signs that you are emotionally over 398 00:23:56,080 --> 00:23:59,800 Speaker 1: investing and when you are making assumptions about who they 399 00:23:59,880 --> 00:24:04,640 Speaker 1: are that is not supported by evidence. So what we're 400 00:24:04,680 --> 00:24:09,399 Speaker 1: going to try and do is date and connect, specifically talk, 401 00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:13,720 Speaker 1: talk and connect based on data, not on daydreams. So 402 00:24:13,760 --> 00:24:16,159 Speaker 1: I want you to ask yourself if you're still in 403 00:24:16,160 --> 00:24:18,479 Speaker 1: the talking stage. Do I like them or do I 404 00:24:18,640 --> 00:24:22,280 Speaker 1: like the feeling of them being interested in me? Am 405 00:24:22,280 --> 00:24:25,919 Speaker 1: I excited by the potential? Or am I actually enjoying 406 00:24:25,960 --> 00:24:30,879 Speaker 1: this conversation? Am I investing too much in the what ifs? 407 00:24:32,280 --> 00:24:36,040 Speaker 1: Or is this person actually giving me a good sign? 408 00:24:37,359 --> 00:24:40,000 Speaker 1: It can also help to really have these hard and 409 00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:44,000 Speaker 1: fast rules for when you can and cannot do certain 410 00:24:44,040 --> 00:24:47,399 Speaker 1: things with them, can and cannot bring up certain topics 411 00:24:47,720 --> 00:24:51,680 Speaker 1: to ensure you're not attaching too soon. First off, if 412 00:24:51,680 --> 00:24:53,600 Speaker 1: you've never met this person, you are not going to 413 00:24:53,640 --> 00:24:56,520 Speaker 1: share too much about your past dating history. You're not 414 00:24:56,560 --> 00:24:58,720 Speaker 1: going to talk about big topics for you. You're not 415 00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:01,719 Speaker 1: going to make future plans with them. You don't need 416 00:25:01,760 --> 00:25:03,439 Speaker 1: to tell them about your dreams. You don't need to 417 00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:06,000 Speaker 1: tell them about You don't need to tell them too 418 00:25:06,080 --> 00:25:08,359 Speaker 1: much about what's going on in your life, because I 419 00:25:08,359 --> 00:25:12,720 Speaker 1: think that can inadvertently bond when you start going on dates. Yeah, 420 00:25:12,800 --> 00:25:16,960 Speaker 1: that's fine, but talking stage no. We of course also 421 00:25:17,040 --> 00:25:20,119 Speaker 1: have the one month rule and one month they're out. 422 00:25:20,560 --> 00:25:23,119 Speaker 1: There's also this fantastic principle called and I think this 423 00:25:23,280 --> 00:25:26,520 Speaker 1: comes up later on, but in general advice for not 424 00:25:26,560 --> 00:25:29,560 Speaker 1: getting attached. Too quickly. It's called the three date or 425 00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:33,040 Speaker 1: three encounter rule, which essentially states that you need to 426 00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:37,160 Speaker 1: see people in three different contexts before deciding if they're 427 00:25:37,240 --> 00:25:39,399 Speaker 1: right for you. You need to see them sober, you 428 00:25:39,440 --> 00:25:41,080 Speaker 1: need to see them around others, and you need to 429 00:25:41,080 --> 00:25:44,640 Speaker 1: see them when they're stressed. Obviously, like I said, comes 430 00:25:44,680 --> 00:25:47,560 Speaker 1: in later on, but I think it's still mentally helpful 431 00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:50,199 Speaker 1: for you to understand when you are allowed to commit 432 00:25:50,720 --> 00:25:54,560 Speaker 1: and it's way down the line, and try and combat 433 00:25:54,720 --> 00:25:59,000 Speaker 1: the unconscious scarcity mindset that's probably sneaking in right now. 434 00:26:00,160 --> 00:26:02,920 Speaker 1: Let me just say this, this is not the only 435 00:26:02,960 --> 00:26:06,320 Speaker 1: person for you. There are more people who will be 436 00:26:06,359 --> 00:26:09,760 Speaker 1: interested in you because you are endlessly fascinating. You give 437 00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:12,480 Speaker 1: so much love to others, it's going to come back 438 00:26:12,520 --> 00:26:17,520 Speaker 1: to you. This is just an information seeking exercise, and 439 00:26:17,600 --> 00:26:22,640 Speaker 1: you have just as much control in this situation as 440 00:26:22,720 --> 00:26:27,280 Speaker 1: they do. Remember there's no winning year. There's also no losing. 441 00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:30,919 Speaker 1: There's no game. If this doesn't work out, that's because 442 00:26:30,920 --> 00:26:34,080 Speaker 1: something better is coming for you. You just have to trust 443 00:26:34,200 --> 00:26:38,600 Speaker 1: me when I say this. Showing up authentically and perhaps 444 00:26:38,840 --> 00:26:42,040 Speaker 1: missing out, but knowing you missed out for the right 445 00:26:42,119 --> 00:26:47,119 Speaker 1: reasons is better. Than you know, dating someone and realizing 446 00:26:47,160 --> 00:26:50,920 Speaker 1: that they've fallen for someone who is not you. They've 447 00:26:50,920 --> 00:26:54,359 Speaker 1: fallen for someone who was appeasing them, who was doing 448 00:26:54,400 --> 00:26:57,840 Speaker 1: things to make them more comfortable, who was pretending to 449 00:26:57,960 --> 00:27:00,520 Speaker 1: like things that they liked when really you didn't have 450 00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:03,800 Speaker 1: anything in common. It's why honesty in these situation is 451 00:27:03,880 --> 00:27:06,880 Speaker 1: always the best policy, even just asking someone on a date, 452 00:27:06,880 --> 00:27:09,400 Speaker 1: if they're not doing it for you like you want 453 00:27:09,400 --> 00:27:11,520 Speaker 1: to get an answer, that's the best way to get it. 454 00:27:12,320 --> 00:27:15,000 Speaker 1: Let's not talk about what happens when the talking stage 455 00:27:15,200 --> 00:27:19,679 Speaker 1: doesn't work out. I think it is okay to grieve 456 00:27:20,160 --> 00:27:24,679 Speaker 1: these situations. I think it is okay to acknowledge that 457 00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:30,040 Speaker 1: this is hard. Sometimes I do seriously believe that we 458 00:27:30,119 --> 00:27:32,600 Speaker 1: are essentially in a stage of mourning, even though it 459 00:27:32,640 --> 00:27:36,520 Speaker 1: might sound silly. We are warning the endless potential of 460 00:27:36,560 --> 00:27:39,440 Speaker 1: someone of what they could have been, which is sometimes 461 00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:43,680 Speaker 1: harder because it's fed by the unknown rather than reality. 462 00:27:44,280 --> 00:27:48,480 Speaker 1: It's what we call disenfranchised grief, grief that isn't necessarily 463 00:27:48,520 --> 00:27:53,760 Speaker 1: acknowledged by society, grief that isn't necessarily large, but which 464 00:27:53,840 --> 00:27:57,160 Speaker 1: still hurts even if it doesn't fit into the usual 465 00:27:57,240 --> 00:28:00,199 Speaker 1: box of what we deserve to feel sad about. You know, 466 00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:03,840 Speaker 1: when a relationship ends, you can kind of say, okay, 467 00:28:03,840 --> 00:28:07,000 Speaker 1: well it didn't work out for these reasons. We tried this, 468 00:28:07,200 --> 00:28:10,800 Speaker 1: we did this, we just didn't have it. But with 469 00:28:10,880 --> 00:28:14,480 Speaker 1: a talking stage, it is shrouded in all these what ifs. 470 00:28:15,200 --> 00:28:18,399 Speaker 1: What if we had been given a chance, What if 471 00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:20,679 Speaker 1: we just gone on that first date? You know, what 472 00:28:20,720 --> 00:28:23,560 Speaker 1: if they'd just gotten to know me? Don't they see 473 00:28:23,600 --> 00:28:26,639 Speaker 1: like this could have been something? That ambiguity is what 474 00:28:26,760 --> 00:28:29,880 Speaker 1: makes this so hard to process. It's not just the rejection, 475 00:28:30,560 --> 00:28:34,880 Speaker 1: it's the disappointment of the potential that was wasted by 476 00:28:34,920 --> 00:28:39,720 Speaker 1: someone else's indecisiveness or their own issues. So here's how 477 00:28:39,760 --> 00:28:42,040 Speaker 1: we're going to find some closure. You don't need to 478 00:28:42,040 --> 00:28:44,600 Speaker 1: block them, but you do need to implement some rules. 479 00:28:45,000 --> 00:28:47,600 Speaker 1: My biggest piece of advice would just be would just 480 00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:50,320 Speaker 1: be a straight upstate to them, Hey, you know, since 481 00:28:50,360 --> 00:28:52,800 Speaker 1: we're not going on a date, since this is kind 482 00:28:52,800 --> 00:28:55,920 Speaker 1: of going nowhere. I'm not sure if this has been 483 00:28:55,920 --> 00:28:59,680 Speaker 1: lost in translation, but I'm really only keen on being 484 00:28:59,680 --> 00:29:02,400 Speaker 1: able to meet people in person and actually get to 485 00:29:02,440 --> 00:29:05,200 Speaker 1: know you. I know you don't want to waste my time. 486 00:29:05,280 --> 00:29:07,480 Speaker 1: I don't want to waste yours either, so I think 487 00:29:07,520 --> 00:29:09,640 Speaker 1: I'm going to focus on some other things and other 488 00:29:09,680 --> 00:29:12,560 Speaker 1: people for a while. Really you need to be direct, 489 00:29:12,760 --> 00:29:16,400 Speaker 1: use this as a polite excuse to essentially stop replying, 490 00:29:16,480 --> 00:29:19,880 Speaker 1: stop interacting, maybe even mute them, move them to the 491 00:29:20,000 --> 00:29:25,640 Speaker 1: unseen folder on Messenger or Instagram. Create like some mental 492 00:29:25,760 --> 00:29:27,800 Speaker 1: roadblocks so that if you want to talk to them, 493 00:29:28,360 --> 00:29:32,080 Speaker 1: you have to consciously jump over some hurdles is to 494 00:29:32,120 --> 00:29:35,600 Speaker 1: basically get access to them, and hopefully those roadblocks serve 495 00:29:35,600 --> 00:29:37,960 Speaker 1: as a reminder of like, hey, we're not doing this, 496 00:29:38,360 --> 00:29:42,240 Speaker 1: we're not after this, we're walking away. Because you really 497 00:29:42,240 --> 00:29:45,560 Speaker 1: need to reflect on what you want you need to 498 00:29:46,160 --> 00:29:49,840 Speaker 1: after this point, really step back and realize that every 499 00:29:49,880 --> 00:29:52,680 Speaker 1: loss is a lesson, even the small ones. Maybe you 500 00:29:52,720 --> 00:29:54,680 Speaker 1: don't want to hear that right now, but instead of 501 00:29:54,760 --> 00:29:57,600 Speaker 1: ruminating on the unanswered questions of the what ifs, you 502 00:29:57,680 --> 00:29:59,840 Speaker 1: really do have to shift the answer inward. You know, 503 00:30:00,440 --> 00:30:04,120 Speaker 1: this experience has probably really taught you what you're actually after. 504 00:30:04,960 --> 00:30:07,640 Speaker 1: And before you get back out there and start chatting 505 00:30:07,680 --> 00:30:10,800 Speaker 1: to another person, especially if you're someone who gets invested 506 00:30:10,880 --> 00:30:14,360 Speaker 1: very quickly, I really want you to reframe and reassess 507 00:30:15,000 --> 00:30:17,800 Speaker 1: and reaffirm what you're after. It sounds like you're after 508 00:30:17,920 --> 00:30:21,240 Speaker 1: someone who wants to frickin date you. So take this 509 00:30:21,640 --> 00:30:24,640 Speaker 1: as a lesson, as an important sign of why it's 510 00:30:24,720 --> 00:30:29,440 Speaker 1: important to enforce boundaries, why it's important to be looking 511 00:30:29,480 --> 00:30:31,680 Speaker 1: for someone who is going to take action and who 512 00:30:31,680 --> 00:30:35,440 Speaker 1: wants to move things along. And I think know that 513 00:30:35,480 --> 00:30:38,240 Speaker 1: you've saved yourself a lot of future pain from cutting 514 00:30:38,280 --> 00:30:42,560 Speaker 1: it off now rather than waiting two, three, four, five 515 00:30:42,680 --> 00:30:46,360 Speaker 1: more months and then getting the shock of your life 516 00:30:46,400 --> 00:30:51,080 Speaker 1: when you were even more attached. You know, it's also 517 00:30:51,120 --> 00:30:54,000 Speaker 1: okay to just straight up distract yourself. This person probably 518 00:30:54,040 --> 00:30:57,120 Speaker 1: gave you a lot of dopamine. Potential is exciting, New 519 00:30:57,160 --> 00:30:59,800 Speaker 1: beginnings are exciting. There's a lot of positive feelings that 520 00:30:59,800 --> 00:31:03,320 Speaker 1: were chasing here. Where can we cultivate that elsewhere? What 521 00:31:03,440 --> 00:31:05,800 Speaker 1: can we pour our time and love and too that 522 00:31:06,000 --> 00:31:09,800 Speaker 1: isn't this person and isn't another person something bigger? So 523 00:31:10,200 --> 00:31:12,720 Speaker 1: if you're really feeling stuck in it, set a new goal. 524 00:31:13,440 --> 00:31:18,040 Speaker 1: Give back. Volunteer, foster a dog, foster a cat, go 525 00:31:18,080 --> 00:31:21,040 Speaker 1: and do some dog walking, Go and do some plant, 526 00:31:21,240 --> 00:31:24,520 Speaker 1: some planting, some community garden work, like get out of 527 00:31:24,560 --> 00:31:27,880 Speaker 1: your own mind, and your own problems, plan a weekend trip, 528 00:31:27,960 --> 00:31:30,520 Speaker 1: get your friends together, like there is nothing wrong with 529 00:31:30,560 --> 00:31:33,520 Speaker 1: a bit of distraction. Sometimes you really do need that 530 00:31:33,600 --> 00:31:38,280 Speaker 1: mental distance in order to integrate the experience. And also 531 00:31:38,360 --> 00:31:41,040 Speaker 1: understand that it might be shitty for me to say 532 00:31:41,040 --> 00:31:43,560 Speaker 1: this to you right now, this is an important part 533 00:31:43,600 --> 00:31:47,520 Speaker 1: of your story. This loss is actually again, my friend 534 00:31:47,560 --> 00:31:50,000 Speaker 1: Sophie said something to me the other day that I 535 00:31:50,120 --> 00:31:54,680 Speaker 1: really love, which is that is someone else's person and 536 00:31:54,760 --> 00:31:57,400 Speaker 1: it didn't work out between you two, because that was 537 00:31:57,520 --> 00:32:00,440 Speaker 1: meant to be part of their story to find person 538 00:32:00,480 --> 00:32:02,960 Speaker 1: they're meant to be with. And when you meet the 539 00:32:03,000 --> 00:32:06,000 Speaker 1: person you're meant to be with, you'll be thankful for 540 00:32:06,080 --> 00:32:09,200 Speaker 1: all of their failed talking stages, all the ones they 541 00:32:09,240 --> 00:32:13,040 Speaker 1: went to. You've got to be thankful, because yes, the 542 00:32:13,080 --> 00:32:16,880 Speaker 1: world is sometimes disappointing, but don't forget it's secretly working 543 00:32:16,880 --> 00:32:20,680 Speaker 1: in your favor as well. That failed talking stage has 544 00:32:20,720 --> 00:32:24,720 Speaker 1: meant that that person found their one, and it means 545 00:32:24,720 --> 00:32:27,560 Speaker 1: that someone else has failed talking stage means that you 546 00:32:27,560 --> 00:32:31,280 Speaker 1: guys are closer to meeting each other. Okay, with that 547 00:32:31,440 --> 00:32:33,800 Speaker 1: sentiment in mind, we're going to take a short break, 548 00:32:33,800 --> 00:32:37,280 Speaker 1: but when we return, let's discuss some of our really 549 00:32:37,360 --> 00:32:42,360 Speaker 1: amazing listener questions about everything from whether the talking stage 550 00:32:42,400 --> 00:32:46,400 Speaker 1: is different for lesbians, green flags in the talking stage, 551 00:32:46,480 --> 00:32:50,560 Speaker 1: and whether the taxi cab theory is real, So stay tuned. 552 00:32:55,560 --> 00:32:59,000 Speaker 1: Our first question, which I really should have addressed earlier, 553 00:32:59,280 --> 00:33:04,320 Speaker 1: is what are actual green flags during the talking stage. 554 00:33:04,840 --> 00:33:07,800 Speaker 1: I've got a couple. I think. Someone who asks questions, 555 00:33:08,520 --> 00:33:12,480 Speaker 1: someone who replies in under twelve hours, and even twelve 556 00:33:12,520 --> 00:33:15,000 Speaker 1: hours is a bit of a stretch. People are always 557 00:33:15,040 --> 00:33:17,640 Speaker 1: on their phones. They want to talk to you, they 558 00:33:17,680 --> 00:33:23,520 Speaker 1: will someone who is taking it somewhere. There is movement. 559 00:33:24,480 --> 00:33:29,200 Speaker 1: They're gauging your interest in plans, they are seeking your availability. 560 00:33:29,240 --> 00:33:31,959 Speaker 1: They're saying we should do these things and actually acting 561 00:33:31,960 --> 00:33:35,280 Speaker 1: on that. Someone who isn't sharing too much too soon, 562 00:33:35,440 --> 00:33:38,840 Speaker 1: I think is another green flag. You know, they're not 563 00:33:38,920 --> 00:33:44,680 Speaker 1: trying to have all the big, dark, maybe deep conversations online. 564 00:33:44,800 --> 00:33:48,760 Speaker 1: They're saving stuff for in person. And this one some 565 00:33:48,760 --> 00:33:50,760 Speaker 1: people might not agree with me. But someone who doesn't 566 00:33:50,800 --> 00:33:54,240 Speaker 1: make comments about your body or about sex during the 567 00:33:54,280 --> 00:33:57,160 Speaker 1: talking stage, like you don't even know this person yet. 568 00:33:57,200 --> 00:33:59,040 Speaker 1: If they're being like, oh we should do this and 569 00:33:59,480 --> 00:34:02,360 Speaker 1: making common it's about sexual things, I'm just like no, 570 00:34:02,760 --> 00:34:05,720 Speaker 1: that's this is not a good a good setup. So 571 00:34:06,080 --> 00:34:09,960 Speaker 1: those are my green flags, but definitely someone who was 572 00:34:10,040 --> 00:34:14,640 Speaker 1: like looking to get off the messaging on the dating 573 00:34:14,640 --> 00:34:19,280 Speaker 1: app situation. This next question, is the talking stage different 574 00:34:19,280 --> 00:34:23,759 Speaker 1: for lesbians? I don't know. So this question fascinated me. 575 00:34:23,880 --> 00:34:27,759 Speaker 1: I had to do some digging. I had two things 576 00:34:27,760 --> 00:34:31,200 Speaker 1: that I kind of came across. Women in general have 577 00:34:31,280 --> 00:34:34,520 Speaker 1: more mirror neurons. That's why. That's what makes us more empathetic, 578 00:34:35,080 --> 00:34:39,520 Speaker 1: more often emotionally aware, especially when we combine that with 579 00:34:39,680 --> 00:34:43,840 Speaker 1: social conditioning. You know, we are we are raised to 580 00:34:43,880 --> 00:34:47,400 Speaker 1: be quite more communicative, to be more vulnerable, to be 581 00:34:47,440 --> 00:34:50,759 Speaker 1: more open. So maybe if it was two women who 582 00:34:50,760 --> 00:34:53,000 Speaker 1: were dating, that would mean that they would be getting 583 00:34:53,000 --> 00:34:56,719 Speaker 1: to the dating part sooner because they're probably going to 584 00:34:56,760 --> 00:34:59,960 Speaker 1: be more direct and wanting to really connect with people. 585 00:35:00,360 --> 00:35:02,840 Speaker 1: That was my first theory which would make it different 586 00:35:02,840 --> 00:35:06,960 Speaker 1: for lesbians. I was also thinking about this stereotype, which 587 00:35:07,000 --> 00:35:11,920 Speaker 1: is that, yeah, the very famous myth that lesbians commit sooner, 588 00:35:11,960 --> 00:35:15,640 Speaker 1: they're moving faster, they have shorter talking stages. I did 589 00:35:15,640 --> 00:35:18,440 Speaker 1: some digging on that. There's a very well known study 590 00:35:18,480 --> 00:35:21,000 Speaker 1: actually one that we really should be talking about more 591 00:35:21,360 --> 00:35:24,840 Speaker 1: from Stanford University, which found that lesbian couples do not 592 00:35:25,719 --> 00:35:30,000 Speaker 1: shock up any faster than heterosexual pairs. This idea of 593 00:35:30,040 --> 00:35:32,520 Speaker 1: the U haul lesbian, of them moving in quicker, doing 594 00:35:32,560 --> 00:35:37,640 Speaker 1: things quicker, is not supported by evidence. So with all 595 00:35:37,680 --> 00:35:40,000 Speaker 1: that in mind, you know, I really didn't find any 596 00:35:40,160 --> 00:35:43,920 Speaker 1: actual fundamental evidence for a difference in a talking in 597 00:35:43,920 --> 00:35:47,880 Speaker 1: the talking stage for lesbians, Like, there is nothing about 598 00:35:48,120 --> 00:35:52,160 Speaker 1: that about them individually that's different from a heterosexual woman 599 00:35:52,960 --> 00:35:56,719 Speaker 1: that is going to mean that this is different for them. 600 00:35:57,200 --> 00:36:01,400 Speaker 1: That being said, I also know that the research community, 601 00:36:01,480 --> 00:36:05,960 Speaker 1: the psychology community a lot of the times, like they 602 00:36:06,040 --> 00:36:12,720 Speaker 1: don't really consider individuals of different sexualities in their research. 603 00:36:13,160 --> 00:36:15,520 Speaker 1: So there really is no way of knowing because no 604 00:36:15,520 --> 00:36:18,680 Speaker 1: one's done any real research on this. So if you 605 00:36:18,800 --> 00:36:22,600 Speaker 1: have a different opinion, if you have information that is 606 00:36:22,719 --> 00:36:25,360 Speaker 1: different to what I've said, or evidence to the contrary, 607 00:36:25,760 --> 00:36:27,799 Speaker 1: let me know and I'll do a little update on this, 608 00:36:27,880 --> 00:36:30,680 Speaker 1: because I think would be fascinating to know. My main 609 00:36:30,719 --> 00:36:34,440 Speaker 1: inclination is it's probably not different, Like in general, it's 610 00:36:34,440 --> 00:36:39,040 Speaker 1: probably not different. There might just be more individual differences 611 00:36:39,080 --> 00:36:43,839 Speaker 1: that are noticeable within those relationships that perhaps aren't being 612 00:36:43,880 --> 00:36:47,200 Speaker 1: talked about more I love this next question, How do 613 00:36:47,239 --> 00:36:49,840 Speaker 1: I stay interested on the apps? It accidentally goes to 614 00:36:49,880 --> 00:36:53,239 Speaker 1: many people because it's so boring. Yeah, often it's boring 615 00:36:53,280 --> 00:36:56,560 Speaker 1: because no one is messaging you back. Right, So firstly, 616 00:36:56,560 --> 00:36:58,840 Speaker 1: take a little break, just take a step back to 617 00:36:58,880 --> 00:37:02,240 Speaker 1: a dating detox. You think your priorities. Are you looking 618 00:37:02,239 --> 00:37:05,439 Speaker 1: for a relationship, are you looking for a fun Saturday night? 619 00:37:05,880 --> 00:37:08,400 Speaker 1: Are you just looking for sex? You gotta know what 620 00:37:08,440 --> 00:37:13,160 Speaker 1: you're after because that's gonna influence your approach when you 621 00:37:13,200 --> 00:37:16,640 Speaker 1: get back on the dating apps. Be intentional. How many 622 00:37:16,640 --> 00:37:19,319 Speaker 1: people are you swiping on? Are you only swiping on 623 00:37:19,320 --> 00:37:22,640 Speaker 1: people you really like? Or if you're looking for just 624 00:37:22,680 --> 00:37:25,920 Speaker 1: a fun Saturday night, are you swiping on everyone? Are 625 00:37:25,920 --> 00:37:27,960 Speaker 1: you being really direct with your messages or are you 626 00:37:28,080 --> 00:37:31,080 Speaker 1: looking for things to flow a little bit more? Bring 627 00:37:31,120 --> 00:37:33,960 Speaker 1: the energy. And I know it's so hard when some 628 00:37:33,960 --> 00:37:38,480 Speaker 1: people are just like a freakin' brick war. But what 629 00:37:38,600 --> 00:37:41,000 Speaker 1: I found useful in what a friend of mine who's 630 00:37:41,000 --> 00:37:43,520 Speaker 1: currently dating, was talking to me about the other day 631 00:37:43,640 --> 00:37:46,440 Speaker 1: was that she knows dating apps is sometimes a numbers 632 00:37:46,480 --> 00:37:47,840 Speaker 1: game and you just have to be in them, and 633 00:37:47,880 --> 00:37:49,799 Speaker 1: you just have to be committed to it. So she 634 00:37:50,120 --> 00:37:53,040 Speaker 1: clears her messages every evening, so she spends just ten 635 00:37:53,040 --> 00:37:57,640 Speaker 1: minutes replying to everyone until she begins to notice the 636 00:37:57,640 --> 00:38:00,720 Speaker 1: people she really wants to chat with, or until someone 637 00:38:00,800 --> 00:38:03,359 Speaker 1: stands out. She's like, you know what, if I want 638 00:38:03,360 --> 00:38:05,840 Speaker 1: to date properly and I want to be in a relationship, 639 00:38:06,680 --> 00:38:08,600 Speaker 1: I've got to be kind of systematic about it. And 640 00:38:08,640 --> 00:38:10,680 Speaker 1: I'm like, Okay, yeah, go off, girl like that. Maybe 641 00:38:10,680 --> 00:38:13,200 Speaker 1: that's maybe that's the way to do it. Maybe that's 642 00:38:13,280 --> 00:38:14,920 Speaker 1: just you just got to put in the energy the 643 00:38:14,920 --> 00:38:16,680 Speaker 1: same way you do when you're looking for a job, 644 00:38:16,800 --> 00:38:19,520 Speaker 1: right and you don't get any replies back, you just 645 00:38:19,560 --> 00:38:21,880 Speaker 1: got to keep going. But I'm rooting for you. I 646 00:38:21,880 --> 00:38:23,880 Speaker 1: would also say ask your friends to set you up 647 00:38:23,880 --> 00:38:28,400 Speaker 1: with people you never know. They might have someone sneaky 648 00:38:28,520 --> 00:38:30,480 Speaker 1: who they haven't told you about before, who they work with, 649 00:38:30,600 --> 00:38:32,920 Speaker 1: or who's a brother of a friend of a cousin 650 00:38:32,960 --> 00:38:36,000 Speaker 1: of a sister. That sounds kind of insisty, but you 651 00:38:36,040 --> 00:38:40,440 Speaker 1: know what I mean, like they might know someone. This 652 00:38:40,560 --> 00:38:47,840 Speaker 1: final question is the taxicab theory real so taxi cab theory. 653 00:38:48,280 --> 00:38:49,879 Speaker 1: You may have heard it on TikTok. I think it's 654 00:38:49,880 --> 00:38:52,560 Speaker 1: originally from sex and the City, which I had been 655 00:38:52,600 --> 00:38:56,480 Speaker 1: rewatching recently, which is perhaps why I was attracted to 656 00:38:56,520 --> 00:39:01,200 Speaker 1: this question. The theory is that it's about men, and 657 00:39:01,280 --> 00:39:05,080 Speaker 1: it's that men, essentially, at some stage in their lives, 658 00:39:05,160 --> 00:39:09,480 Speaker 1: this light goes on and they are ready for a relationship. 659 00:39:10,200 --> 00:39:12,880 Speaker 1: And as soon as they are ready for a relationship, 660 00:39:13,320 --> 00:39:14,799 Speaker 1: the same way as soon as you are ready for 661 00:39:14,840 --> 00:39:17,720 Speaker 1: a cab, you just get into the first one you see, 662 00:39:18,120 --> 00:39:21,360 Speaker 1: and that's your relationship, that's your cab. So the idea 663 00:39:21,440 --> 00:39:24,560 Speaker 1: is that men spend all this time wanting to have fun, 664 00:39:24,680 --> 00:39:27,240 Speaker 1: being uncommitted, and then one day a light will switch 665 00:39:27,320 --> 00:39:29,640 Speaker 1: and that's when they go searching for the searching for 666 00:39:29,680 --> 00:39:32,520 Speaker 1: the relationship. The first person they find who wants to 667 00:39:32,560 --> 00:39:35,319 Speaker 1: be in a relationship with them, that's how it's gonna work. 668 00:39:37,400 --> 00:39:40,239 Speaker 1: I think it kind of aligns with some real concepts 669 00:39:41,000 --> 00:39:44,120 Speaker 1: readiness theory, the commitment readiness theory which we talked about before. 670 00:39:44,640 --> 00:39:47,480 Speaker 1: People commit when they are ready, not necessarily when they 671 00:39:47,520 --> 00:39:52,120 Speaker 1: meet the right person, So yes, timing does matter. It 672 00:39:52,200 --> 00:39:56,040 Speaker 1: also kind of aligns with some of that milestone anxiety 673 00:39:56,040 --> 00:39:59,960 Speaker 1: someone might be experiencing, the commitment scripts that we all face, 674 00:40:00,160 --> 00:40:03,480 Speaker 1: the dating scripts of oh I'm getting to getting up there. 675 00:40:03,480 --> 00:40:05,920 Speaker 1: I'm getting to thirty five or whatever age it is 676 00:40:05,960 --> 00:40:08,480 Speaker 1: that people feel they really need to have someone, and 677 00:40:08,520 --> 00:40:10,840 Speaker 1: that could really trigger them to settle down because of 678 00:40:10,880 --> 00:40:15,120 Speaker 1: societal pressure. I in general don't think it's real. I 679 00:40:15,120 --> 00:40:19,239 Speaker 1: think it oversimplifies things. I think it keeps putting men 680 00:40:19,440 --> 00:40:24,080 Speaker 1: in charge of relationships and in control of any kind 681 00:40:24,080 --> 00:40:27,080 Speaker 1: of relationship dynamic they find themselves in, which I hope 682 00:40:27,120 --> 00:40:30,160 Speaker 1: we are evolving from that. And I also think there's 683 00:40:30,160 --> 00:40:34,000 Speaker 1: no reason why that wouldn't be the same case for 684 00:40:34,080 --> 00:40:37,600 Speaker 1: women as well. I think, really it's not about men, 685 00:40:37,719 --> 00:40:40,319 Speaker 1: it's not about women's about any gender. I think it's 686 00:40:40,400 --> 00:40:43,000 Speaker 1: just about the fact that some people do get to 687 00:40:43,000 --> 00:40:45,399 Speaker 1: a stage where they are ready to commit. Do they 688 00:40:45,480 --> 00:40:49,319 Speaker 1: necessarily jump into the first relationship they see? Maybe? I 689 00:40:49,320 --> 00:40:52,160 Speaker 1: think it's more that they really start taking dating more 690 00:40:52,239 --> 00:40:57,600 Speaker 1: seriously and they start not trying to find excuses for 691 00:40:57,640 --> 00:41:00,600 Speaker 1: why they shouldn't date. They start trying to find reasons 692 00:41:00,600 --> 00:41:03,239 Speaker 1: why they should. Some people would call that settling. I 693 00:41:03,239 --> 00:41:07,440 Speaker 1: think any relationship kind of requires some kind of compromise. 694 00:41:07,520 --> 00:41:10,600 Speaker 1: That sounds like that. So that's all we have time 695 00:41:10,640 --> 00:41:13,880 Speaker 1: for for these questions, My lovely listeners, If you have 696 00:41:14,080 --> 00:41:16,520 Speaker 1: made it this far, put an emoji in the comments 697 00:41:16,560 --> 00:41:19,800 Speaker 1: for how dating is currently making you feel? Whatever emoji, 698 00:41:19,880 --> 00:41:22,520 Speaker 1: you don't even need to explain it. What's the mood 699 00:41:22,840 --> 00:41:25,759 Speaker 1: of your dating vibe at the moment. If you have 700 00:41:25,800 --> 00:41:29,160 Speaker 1: a friend, relative colleague who needs to hear this episode, 701 00:41:29,600 --> 00:41:31,480 Speaker 1: send it to them. Maybe they can get something out 702 00:41:31,480 --> 00:41:34,239 Speaker 1: of it. Make sure you're following me on Instagram at 703 00:41:34,400 --> 00:41:39,600 Speaker 1: that psychology podcast. I love hearing your questions. I love 704 00:41:39,600 --> 00:41:42,080 Speaker 1: hearing what you think about this episode, So I'll see 705 00:41:42,080 --> 00:41:45,080 Speaker 1: you over there for even more behind the scenes content 706 00:41:45,200 --> 00:41:49,640 Speaker 1: and kind of announcements on upcoming events as well. But 707 00:41:49,800 --> 00:41:53,560 Speaker 1: until next time, stay safe, be kind, to be gentle 708 00:41:53,560 --> 00:41:57,240 Speaker 1: to yourself, good luck, May brave soldiers in the talking phase, 709 00:41:57,719 --> 00:42:01,279 Speaker 1: and we will talk. We will talk very very soon. 710 00:42:06,280 --> 00:42:06,320 Speaker 1: H