Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central COVID nineteen. According to the CDC,
Speaker 1: there are now six new variants, all competing to become
Speaker 1: the dominant strain this winter. What they don't realize is
Speaker 1: that they're all competing with the strain that's already infected
Speaker 1: most of the country, called the I don't give a
Speaker 1: ship about any of this anymore strain, you know, honestly
Speaker 1: happy a little bad for the variant that becomes dominant now,
Speaker 1: you know, yeah, because like everyone has stopped caring. It's
Speaker 1: kind of like if you want an early season of
Speaker 1: American Idol, then you were famous. But if you win
Speaker 1: season thirty four, now is just a story you tell
Speaker 1: your co workers at the coffee machine, you know. And
Speaker 1: I was like, I'll have my decalf if you saw
Speaker 1: me last night i won the American I'll I'll have
Speaker 1: that report to you soon. Thank you, sir. But remember
Speaker 1: to all those COVID variants competing against each other right now,
Speaker 1: I just want you to remember, it's not about winning
Speaker 1: or losing. It's about this all right, getting into someone's
Speaker 1: lungs and ruining their week. Remember that. In social media
Speaker 1: news on Friday, Elon Musk kicked off his new job
Speaker 1: as the head of Twitter bye by the thinking off
Speaker 1: I like how you built your booth. He kicked off
Speaker 1: as the head of Twitter by laying off half of
Speaker 1: the workforce. Even fired the bird was terrible. I was
Speaker 1: last seen in a parking lot Dick for worms all relax, Relax,
Speaker 1: and Dick is just a bigger worm. But it turns
Speaker 1: out it turns out Musk got a little ahead of
Speaker 1: himself because this morning he's reportedly trying to rehire dozens
Speaker 1: of people that he just fired after realizing that he
Speaker 1: actually needs them. And I'm gonna be I'm gonna be honest.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna put it out there. Uh, if he's handling
Speaker 1: Twitter like this, I don't know how comfortable I would
Speaker 1: be going with this dude to Mars. You know, yeah,
Speaker 1: I don't want Ellen walking into my cabin one dayre like, Hey, guys,
Speaker 1: turns out how I accidentally fired the team that was
Speaker 1: bringing the oxygen. But we'll be fine if we just
Speaker 1: stopped breathing for sixty months. Both in uh. In sports news.
Speaker 1: In sports news, congratulations to the Houston Nastros who beats
Speaker 1: who beat the Philadelphia Phillies on Saturday to win the
Speaker 1: World Series. Yes, and this was great news for Texas
Speaker 1: except for all the people who are to see Ted
Speaker 1: Cruz smile. And I feel bad for the people in Philly.
Speaker 1: You know, they're blackout, drunk fighting in the streets and
Speaker 1: then they had to watch their team lose. Alright, let's
Speaker 1: move on some of the biggest stories of the day,
Speaker 1: starting once again with the mid term election, that time
Speaker 1: in American politics where the voters get to send their
Speaker 1: order back to the kitchen because they don't like how
Speaker 1: it tastes too much inflation anyway, but the big day
Speaker 1: happening tomorrow, It's time for us to catch up on
Speaker 1: all the latest updates in our ongoing coverage of vote demic.
Speaker 1: So here we are people. After months of campaign speeches,
Speaker 1: TV ads, spam texts, and fundraising emails, the mid terms
Speaker 1: end tomorrow, and I'm glad, especially because I won't be
Speaker 1: getting in all those spam texts they were killing me,
Speaker 1: especially the ones that start like a booty call. You know, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'd be like, hey, Trevor, you up. I'd be like, yeah,
Speaker 1: to save the Senates law. But tomorrow it all ends,
Speaker 1: and with so many tight races both parties are pulling
Speaker 1: out all the stops down to the wire. I'll wall
Speaker 1: to wall weekend of campaigning in the battle grounds, candidates
Speaker 1: locked in neck and neck battles, bringing out the big guns,
Speaker 1: the biggest names from both parties spanning out across the
Speaker 1: battleground states that will decide control of Congress. Three presidents
Speaker 1: past and president flooding Pennsylvania holding Julian campaign rallies, fundamental
Speaker 1: rights on the bolt. Democracy itself is on the ballot now.
Speaker 1: Even Oprah Winfrey has now jumped into this race. She
Speaker 1: discovered doctor Oz, worked with him for years, but now
Speaker 1: announcing her endorsement of Fetterman. But I will tell you
Speaker 1: all this, if I lived in Pennsylvania, I would already
Speaker 1: cast my vote for John Fetterman for many reasons. Wow,
Speaker 1: Oprah Winfrey coming out and not just coming out, she
Speaker 1: came out against doctor Oz, the man she created, the
Speaker 1: TV doctor she made famous. And that's always how it goes. People.
Speaker 1: At some point in life, you have to kill the
Speaker 1: monster you create. Yeah, Dr Frankenstein, his creature, Obi Wan
Speaker 1: and Anakin. Parents and their kids. Every parent knows that
Speaker 1: they will eventually come when you have to fight your
Speaker 1: children to the death to determine who will control their
Speaker 1: remote control. But still Oprah going for Feedeman must have
Speaker 1: broken doctor oss hearts. Luckily, he has the perfect cure
Speaker 1: for that, Doctor os is broken hearts dietary supplements. It'll
Speaker 1: enhance your mood and only turn your poop yellows some
Speaker 1: of the time. Get it now before the FDA outlaws
Speaker 1: it again. Now, it's not your soul, it's not your
Speaker 1: So the Democrats are bringing everyone out, Bill Clinton, Barack Obama,
Speaker 1: which you have to admit is bad news for the Democrats,
Speaker 1: right because the bigger names that you bring out to
Speaker 1: support you in the mid terms means the worst you're doing,
Speaker 1: all right, Like, if I was a Democratic Pennsylvania, this
Speaker 1: would be making me nervous, you know, I would just
Speaker 1: be like, guess what Obama is coming to the rally tonight,
Speaker 1: Oh boy, and he's bringing Beyonce. Oh ship, We're so screwed.
Speaker 1: And the truth there's Democrats are nervous right now because
Speaker 1: they've got a lot stacked up against them in this selection.
Speaker 1: Inflation is high, crime is up, Pickle Bull is taking
Speaker 1: over for some reason, and all of that is sending
Speaker 1: Democrats into full on panic mode. President Biden is warning
Speaker 1: that American democracy is at risk, but it may not
Speaker 1: be enough to stop a red wave tomorrow night. A
Speaker 1: lot of Democrats, whether they're elected officials, party leaders, strategists,
Speaker 1: are panicked that they feel like things are not going
Speaker 1: well for them in the mid terms. Right now, President
Speaker 1: Biden heading the traditionally blue Maryland today after a stop
Speaker 1: Sunday in another Democratic stronghold, New York vote Get out
Speaker 1: of the Vote now, the President giving a last minute
Speaker 1: boost to New York Governor Kathy Hogel, running in a
Speaker 1: now unexpectedly tight race against Congressman Lee Zelden in a
Speaker 1: state that hasn't elected a Republican governor in two decades. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's how bleak it is looking for Democrats right now.
Speaker 1: They're scrambling to salvage a governor's race in New York,
Speaker 1: New York, which is crazy. New York is supposed to
Speaker 1: be a given for the Democrats. You know, this is
Speaker 1: this is like having to beg your stalker to like
Speaker 1: one of your posts on Instagram. It's like, come on, man,
Speaker 1: my fates are in this one. It's like, yeah, no,
Speaker 1: it's just not doing it for me anymore. So, Yeah,
Speaker 1: the expectations are that Republicans are going to have a
Speaker 1: very good election and that Democrats are in deep trouble.
Speaker 1: But keep in mind, keep in mind that's all based
Speaker 1: on the polls, which I'll be honest bugs me about
Speaker 1: American politics because like, polls are just like an idea is,
Speaker 1: like what a person says, what they maybe are going
Speaker 1: to do, and that's why they're often wrong. In fact,
Speaker 1: these days, it feels like they're wrong a lot more
Speaker 1: than they're right. You know, if you went by the
Speaker 1: polls in the last election, like think about it, Susan
Speaker 1: Collins would have lost her election by six points instead
Speaker 1: she wanted by nine. A right, Lindsey Graham was tied
Speaker 1: in the polls, but instead he destroyed his ponents, and
Speaker 1: according to the polls, Joe Biden was supposed to win
Speaker 1: by eight points. Instead he had to steal the election.
Speaker 1: I mean, you don't know, And there are a lot
Speaker 1: of reasons. There are a lot of reasons why the
Speaker 1: posts could be off. You know, you don't know, maybe
Speaker 1: the posts are biased, maybe people who are answering or
Speaker 1: answering sarcastically, like, oh, I'd love to vote for Joe Biden.
Speaker 1: But the poll doesn't get that, or maybe the polls
Speaker 1: could be wrong because the only people who aren't supposed
Speaker 1: to the craziest people ever. Have you ever answered the poll? Huh? No,
Speaker 1: if you got a call from an unknown number, you
Speaker 1: don't answer. What do you creep? In fact, anytime a
Speaker 1: poster to get someone to participate, the next call is
Speaker 1: probably to the police. It's just like hello, line one one. Yes,
Speaker 1: someone just picked up my call and spoke to me
Speaker 1: for ten minutes. You should go check their freezer for
Speaker 1: body parts. Yeah, it's uh, it's warring. But even though
Speaker 1: the two election there isn't over yet, it looks like
Speaker 1: four campaign might already be underway. According to reports, Donald
Speaker 1: Trump is planning to announce another run for presidents as
Speaker 1: soon as the mid terms over. Yeah, but he's gonna
Speaker 1: wait for the mid terms first because he wants to
Speaker 1: do the responsible thing and see if his election denies
Speaker 1: get into power so they can steal the election for him.
Speaker 1: He's waiting. It's good and even though he hasn't officially
Speaker 1: announced that he's running a Trump is already taking shots
Speaker 1: at some of his rivals in the GOP. Donald Trump, meanwhile,
Speaker 1: and Florida Governor RHN de Santis held competing rallies in
Speaker 1: the state of Florida yesterday. While Trump urged flurry and
Speaker 1: to vote for De Santists in his race against Democrat
Speaker 1: Charlie Christ, the foreign president also took a swipe at
Speaker 1: the governor as a potential opponent. We're winning big, big,
Speaker 1: big in the Republican Party for the nomination like nobody's
Speaker 1: ever seen before. Let's say there it is Trump at
Speaker 1: seventy one, Rond sanctimonious at Mike Pennce at seven. Oh,
Speaker 1: Mike started better than I thought. Yeah, I thought he'd
Speaker 1: be dead by now. I guess the it's always next time.
Speaker 1: He's doing better. By the way, I love how Trump
Speaker 1: always gives speeches on the Tomac right in front of
Speaker 1: his plane. Have you noticed that, Like the door is opened,
Speaker 1: the stare. It's almost like he doesn't want to spend
Speaker 1: one second longer than needed with those people. He's just like,
Speaker 1: keep the engine running. I want to leave this ship
Speaker 1: hole town as soon as I say good night. In fact,
Speaker 1: just dangle me from a hendicop that pulled me up.
Speaker 1: When I'm done. I want to get out of here
Speaker 1: before these red knecks can touch me. You saw what
Speaker 1: they did to my pants. These people are dangerous. But
Speaker 1: the reason that speech is going viral is because of
Speaker 1: that bitchy little swipe at run de Sanctimonious. Yeah, you
Speaker 1: saw that, breaking out a classic Trump nickname. I mean,
Speaker 1: at least we think it was a nickname. It could
Speaker 1: have just been Trump trying to say the Sanctus, you
Speaker 1: know him Sanctoria Dons. And what makes the story even
Speaker 1: better is that apparently Trump has been privately testing nicknames
Speaker 1: for run the Sanctus, Yeah, which is amazing to me.
Speaker 1: The man is at a meeting with his team of
Speaker 1: lawyers and he's like, all right, all right, enough, of
Speaker 1: all the ways that I could go to jail, what
Speaker 1: do you guys like better? Rhonda sanctimonious, RUNDI shit heads?
Speaker 1: Which one? Right now? Right now, it looks like a
Speaker 1: Trump versus the Sanctus feud is breaking out into the open.
Speaker 1: And you know, usually when two men fight in Florida,
Speaker 1: it's at a margharitavo at one am. But this, this
Speaker 1: is a lot more high stakes, which is probably why
Speaker 1: a lot of Republicans are upset with Trump for going
Speaker 1: after the Sanctus. Yeah, because they're like, what are you doing.
Speaker 1: We love Rhonda Sanctus, He's our guy. Trump is like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I know, That's why I hates him, because you see,
Speaker 1: people don't realize that's the one thing Trump hates more
Speaker 1: than anything is anyone having what he thinks should be
Speaker 1: his spotlight. That might be the thing that destroys the
Speaker 1: Republican chances in Donald Trump cannot stand out being the
Speaker 1: center of attention. Yeah, I bet he got jealous when
Speaker 1: his kids were born. You know, it's like, congratulations, it's
Speaker 1: a boy's like, I'm also a boy, and I've been
Speaker 1: avoid much longer, so long. Many people not We're saying
Speaker 1: a bet for of all time. All year long, we've
Speaker 1: been waiting to find out if Republicans will take control
Speaker 1: of Congress and stop President Biden's agenda, or if Democrats
Speaker 1: will keep control of Congress and somehow stop Biden's agenda.
Speaker 1: And it's all led up to today. Election Day. A
Speaker 1: great day for democracy and for people who love waiting
Speaker 1: in lines, you know, another chance to smell a stranger's hair.
Speaker 1: You've probably heard it everywhere, you know, but many people
Speaker 1: believe this maybe the most important election of our lifetimes.
Speaker 1: And yes, I know, I know they said that about right.
Speaker 1: I also know that they said about the mid terms,
Speaker 1: and they definitely said it about twenty well, know, which
Speaker 1: I know makes some people say, well, clearly, none of
Speaker 1: these elections are as important as people say. They always
Speaker 1: say it's the most important election. But but maybe maybe
Speaker 1: we're thinking of it wrong. You know, maybe everything is
Speaker 1: getting worse and worse, which makes every election more and
Speaker 1: more important. And I know I said that and like that,
Speaker 1: like it sounded good, but it's not. I get that
Speaker 1: my my inflection didn't match the feeling. Well, think of
Speaker 1: it this way. Think of it this way. Like when
Speaker 1: you're in a car, the brakes are the most important
Speaker 1: safety feature. Right when you're in your driveway, it helps
Speaker 1: to have brakes, Yeah, But then when you get on
Speaker 1: the road, the brakes become more important. Then you're on
Speaker 1: the freeway going a hundred miles per hour, the breaks
Speaker 1: are even more important. Then a school bus gets stuck
Speaker 1: in front of you, and then you realize that the
Speaker 1: school bus is full of puppies, and the puppies are
Speaker 1: holding the only copy of Free's new album Another, breaks
Speaker 1: are the most important price off like that to a high?
Speaker 1: Did I take my brakes start. Granted, not lucky. Many
Speaker 1: people did feel like this was an important election, so
Speaker 1: all around the country people turned up to vote everywhere,
Speaker 1: from Arizona to Pennsylvania to Wisconsin to a bunch of
Speaker 1: states that the media doesn't even care about. People cast
Speaker 1: their votes in this election. And now that the voting
Speaker 1: is finished, there is some good news. You all voted
Speaker 1: perfectly and every problem in America has been solved. Congratulations
Speaker 1: from the last congratul voting, I'm trapping thing sarcastic. Obviously,
Speaker 1: it still counting the votes, so we're gonna have to
Speaker 1: wait until tomorrow or two months from now, depending on
Speaker 1: how many lawsuits they are. But right now, we've got
Speaker 1: full team coverage of election night all around the country.
Speaker 1: So let's kick things off with our very own Roy
Speaker 1: would Jr. Everybody who is live party headquarters, Roy tubbshous
Speaker 1: time for the Democrats. What's the mood like over there
Speaker 1: right now? It's nervous trailer that Democrats are not expecting
Speaker 1: a good outcome tonight. Chuck Schumer already sweating like Elon
Speaker 1: Musk looking at Twitter's balance sheet. Manty Pelosi, Nanty Pelosi,
Speaker 1: pacing so hard she already got in her steps for
Speaker 1: the week. And Joe Biden, well he's taking a nap,
Speaker 1: but it's a nervous nap. When I'm nervous naps, you know,
Speaker 1: like when you sleep at the wheel and you there
Speaker 1: is all the well Roy, you know, if Democrats lose
Speaker 1: big tonight, many stratagists will suggest that their campaign messages
Speaker 1: didn't resonate enough with the voters, you know, because they
Speaker 1: ran on abortion rights and saving democracy, but it seems
Speaker 1: like for most voters that wasn't a priority. The Democrats
Speaker 1: agree with you, Trevor. That's why tonight they're coming up
Speaker 1: with brand new campaign messages to get voters on their side.
Speaker 1: But tonight they think it's a little too late for
Speaker 1: everyone's votes. Already, Dad, there's still people in line in Georgia.
Speaker 1: And just wait until they get on Twitter and see
Speaker 1: democrats new campaign slogan, vote for us and we'll get
Speaker 1: rid of Mondays. It's a good one. That's that's weird.
Speaker 1: And also then doesn't Tuesday just become the new Monday? No,
Speaker 1: that's not hire words, because then Tuesday he got those ideas. Anyway, man,
Speaker 1: they got other ideas. Here's here's another one. The Democrats
Speaker 1: are promise, and they're promising to make another season of
Speaker 1: the Office, and for black voters, Martin, they've got a
Speaker 1: new tax plan. Pay what you want, and they'll make
Speaker 1: it so that everyone's team makes it to the super Bowl. Okay,
Speaker 1: pay what you will and everybody's team make it to
Speaker 1: the Super Bowler's two policy strap. But I understand if
Speaker 1: everyone's team makes us the super Bowl. No, I'm not
Speaker 1: done with the list here. You're coming all that damn logic.
Speaker 1: How about this way? Unlimited bread sticks at every restaurant,
Speaker 1: even the Chinese ones, even the Chinese restaurant unlimited. Don't
Speaker 1: even give you bread sticks to Chinese restaurants. And and
Speaker 1: and look at this list right here, man, Look look
Speaker 1: at all this stuff. Man Pompkins, spice Latte's year round.
Speaker 1: That's what basic bitches like you tref If none of
Speaker 1: that works, check this out the Democrats. Here's something else.
Speaker 1: They're promising every oscars will have a surprise slap till
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be exciting a surprise Meryl Street just hauling
Speaker 1: off and slapping Timothy Child May just stopping. You know
Speaker 1: you want to see that ship. You know you want
Speaker 1: to surprise. I mean these sound very exciting, but I
Speaker 1: mean it seems very desperate from the Democrats. Well, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's what I told them, but they refused to give up.
Speaker 1: And now they're talking about forgiving everything, student loan debt,
Speaker 1: forgiving gambling debts, forgiving you gave an embarrassing best man's
Speaker 1: speech at your boys wedding, forgiving you hit that browning.
Speaker 1: You can't be mad at me no more for saying
Speaker 1: your wife looked like Shrek. It is what it is, bro,
Speaker 1: Why would you say that during the best man speech?
Speaker 1: She started it. I came to that winning in peace
Speaker 1: to support them. She the one who said I got
Speaker 1: a civil rights hair line. You don't do that to
Speaker 1: a man. You know, a man's hair is the line
Speaker 1: you don't cross. Alicia, Alright, we're gonna talk to you
Speaker 1: later about that. Would not at all. We couldn'mber with
Speaker 1: the promises? Are weare? Promises are really weird? All right?
Speaker 1: Right before we crossed over to our next correspondent, we
Speaker 1: do have a new live projection coming in and it's
Speaker 1: a big one in the States of Georgia, the Georgia
Speaker 1: Senate Race. The Daily Show projects that herschel Walker has
Speaker 1: won twenty three and me. I didn't even realize twenty
Speaker 1: three and me was a thing you could win, but
Speaker 1: they just announced it. So good for him. I guess
Speaker 1: good for him he did it. But anyway, let's go
Speaker 1: live now to Michael Coster, who I believe is coming
Speaker 1: to us from election Denia's headquarters. That's right, Trevor. There
Speaker 1: are so many election deniers running this year that they
Speaker 1: have their own headquarters where they can watch the results
Speaker 1: come in. And fun fact, the WiFi password here is
Speaker 1: Hillary killed JFK and also is JFK all halves. Wow. Okay,
Speaker 1: so I'm really intreatue. What's the mood like over there? Oh,
Speaker 1: they are having a blast here, and I'll tell you
Speaker 1: one thing. They're not denying more jello shots. These people
Speaker 1: know how to party, Trevor. Wow, I mean, I'm assuming
Speaker 1: election denials must be doing well tonight. They are in
Speaker 1: hundreds of election deniers ran for office this year, and
Speaker 1: a lot of them have already won their races. I see, Wait,
Speaker 1: these are election denias. So I guess they don't think
Speaker 1: there's any fraud in their elections. Well, no, of course not.
Speaker 1: They won. Okay, but then what about the election denias
Speaker 1: who didn't win tonight's Well, obviously their elections were stolen,
Speaker 1: you know, just like Trump's was in twenty and will
Speaker 1: be again unless he wins, in which case it was legitimate.
Speaker 1: It sounds like these people are just sore loses. Whoa, whoa.
Speaker 1: We do not say that word here, Trevor. Okay, especially
Speaker 1: not with the hard are Okay, but no coast of
Speaker 1: the reasoning doesn't make any sense. Actually, it's pretty simple.
Speaker 1: Let me break it down for you. Okay. So you see,
Speaker 1: if they lost, that's because it was rigged, and you
Speaker 1: can tell it was rigged because they lost. Yeah. But
Speaker 1: but Michael, that's circular logic. Well it's it's actually more
Speaker 1: of an oval if you ask me. So, okay, how
Speaker 1: do they know the election they won wasn't rigged. Well,
Speaker 1: that's easy because they won, so it's fair. It's all
Speaker 1: over here on this other oval, okay. And now that
Speaker 1: they've won, they can change the voting laws, you know,
Speaker 1: purge the voter rolls, throw out ballots they don't like,
Speaker 1: give themselves the power to overturn resolves so they never
Speaker 1: lose again. But that's rigging the election, so they win.
Speaker 1: What are you not understanding. Okay, if they win, that
Speaker 1: means it wasn't rigged. Do they not have ovals in Africa?
Speaker 1: We have ogls costa because it is about logic. It
Speaker 1: doesn't seem like a democracy to me. Look, I'd love
Speaker 1: to keep explaining it to you, but I gotta go.
Speaker 1: Everyone's heading over to the Capitol to celebrate, well or
Speaker 1: to storm it. We'll see when we get there. Are
Speaker 1: you be carful? There? Cost to Michael, cost to everybody.
Speaker 1: This is a very stressful election. Are before Before we
Speaker 1: get to our next correspondent, we have some more results
Speaker 1: coming in. Our analysts have crunched all the numbers and
Speaker 1: we can confirm that that five bucks you donated didn't
Speaker 1: do ships. Going into last nights midterms, almost everyone was
Speaker 1: expecting a huge night for Republicans, a red wave that
Speaker 1: would wash away the Democrats in Congress and yank off
Speaker 1: Joe biden Strom trucks. Sure one could see his old
Speaker 1: man butt. But now the votes are in, and already
Speaker 1: already people are realizing that, although there's still a lot
Speaker 1: left to count, it's clear that the red wave did
Speaker 1: not show up. This morning, control of Congress up in
Speaker 1: the air, with both the House and Senate still hanging
Speaker 1: in the balance. Republicans acknowledging the expected red wave never materialized.
Speaker 1: The five races still the call. It's unclear who will
Speaker 1: control the Senate control of the House as leading Republican
Speaker 1: but only barely. Democrats overall are doing much better than expected.
Speaker 1: That predicted red wave only appears to be a splash.
Speaker 1: If you will, the word wave has no application yet
Speaker 1: to what we're saying. This might feel more like the
Speaker 1: edge of a lake. This really looks much more like
Speaker 1: a red whisper. If that This wasn't even red wave.
Speaker 1: It's not even a red little ripple in a pond.
Speaker 1: If I've heard it called, you know, the red sprinkler.
Speaker 1: I've heard it called the red splash, the red puddle,
Speaker 1: the red drizzle, the red spreats. Yeah, you know, when
Speaker 1: you're paying and then a little bit comes out after
Speaker 1: you're done. It's a red one of those. You should
Speaker 1: probably go get that checked out, by the way, And
Speaker 1: like some of these didn't even make sense, you know,
Speaker 1: like I'm sorry, but what what is a red whisper?
Speaker 1: What is that? Like a smr ful conservatives stuff that
Speaker 1: is I was just like, now I'm not the voting
Speaker 1: right sence. Oh yeah, but yes, last night was not
Speaker 1: the red wave that many people expected it to be.
Speaker 1: And to be clear, to be clear, Republicans are still
Speaker 1: in good shape to take control of the House and
Speaker 1: they may even take control of the Senate when it's
Speaker 1: all said and done. Now it's too early. It's too
Speaker 1: early to tell because you know, America AC counts it's
Speaker 1: votes as slowly as George R. Martin writes the books.
Speaker 1: But it's definitely not the huge win that they were expecting.
Speaker 1: So it feels like it lost, which is really strange
Speaker 1: to me about politics. You know, it's only places where
Speaker 1: you can technically win but still lose because people thought
Speaker 1: you were gonna win. More basically, Republicans got the hand
Speaker 1: job version of winning. Yeah, like it got the job done,
Speaker 1: but no one's really happy about it. It was like Mara,
Speaker 1: I'd have done this to myself. And again, lots of
Speaker 1: races are still undecided. Arizona and Nevada won't be done
Speaker 1: counting votes for a few more days. We won't know
Speaker 1: who won Alaska's racist until the dogs Led arrives and
Speaker 1: the big Senate race in Georgia looks like it is
Speaker 1: headed to a runoff in December. Yeah, which is only
Speaker 1: gonna screw up hershal Walker's brain even more right, I
Speaker 1: don't think it's like another election has been six years already.
Speaker 1: Oh man, that means I got thirty five children. Now
Speaker 1: what's happening? Oh wow. For one big race that was
Speaker 1: decided last night was in Pennsylvania, where John Federman defeated
Speaker 1: Dot Door, which you gotta admit as exciting for the
Speaker 1: Capital because nobody in the Senate looks like this guy.
Speaker 1: I mean, you see this. He doesn't look like everyone.
Speaker 1: He's massive. He's got the bald head, the goatee, the hoodie,
Speaker 1: which is dope. Normally senators look like your dad's boss
Speaker 1: from work. You know. John Federman looks like he can
Speaker 1: physically raise the dead ceiling seven trillier and look not.
Speaker 1: One of the reasons so many people who were surprised
Speaker 1: by last night's results is that for weeks. For weeks,
Speaker 1: pundits had been saying that there are only a few
Speaker 1: issues that really mattered to Americans right now, like inflation, crime,
Speaker 1: and whatever the hell is going on with the Twitter
Speaker 1: check marks, and in particular, in particular, the experts were
Speaker 1: saying that voter concerns about abortion had faded since the summer.
Speaker 1: I guess all those experts have been fired and will
Speaker 1: never be allowed back on television because it turns out
Speaker 1: they were just a little bit wrong. The issue of
Speaker 1: abortion turned out to be a massive factor yesterday, with
Speaker 1: the Supreme Court's decision in the Job's case to overturn
Speaker 1: Roe v. Wade playing a much bigger role than polls
Speaker 1: before the election suggested. In California, Michigan, and Vermont, voters
Speaker 1: chose to enshrine reproductive rights into their states constitutions. The
Speaker 1: biggest surprise came in Republican leading Kentucky, where voters rejected
Speaker 1: an anti abortion constitutional amendment. It was a huge night
Speaker 1: for abortion rights across the country. I mean women voted
Speaker 1: in droves. Yes. Well, people said a few weeks ago
Speaker 1: that it didn't matter that it was fading. It didn't.
Speaker 1: Turns out that wasn't right. Yeah, it turns out abortion
Speaker 1: rights didn't fade away as a concert. And it's crazy
Speaker 1: that people ever thought it would, you know, like what
Speaker 1: women out there would be like, you know what really
Speaker 1: bothered me over the summer when the state government wanted
Speaker 1: to take control of my reproductive system, but not I'm
Speaker 1: like whatever, and maybe my buddy is the choice. I
Speaker 1: don't know. So it looks like abortion rights with a
Speaker 1: big one last nights. And it looks like the big
Speaker 1: loser last nights was not another than Donald jumped the
Speaker 1: shock Trump because because so far it looks like many
Speaker 1: of the candidates he endorsed ended up being unendorsed by
Speaker 1: the votes. Here's what we know for sure this morning.
Speaker 1: It was a disappointing night for former President Trump. The
Speaker 1: biggest loser last night was Donald Trump. In state after
Speaker 1: state candidates that he brought to the race, candidates that
Speaker 1: he endorsed did not win or are losing right now.
Speaker 1: But perhaps the worst result for Trump is that his
Speaker 1: biggest Republican rival had the best night of anybody. Florida
Speaker 1: Governor Rhonda Santist might have moved closer to a possible
Speaker 1: presidential bid with a commanding victory over former Governor Charlie Chris.
Speaker 1: That's rights. It was a bad night for Trump and
Speaker 1: a great night for his rival. Ron de sanct Deremonious.
Speaker 1: He absolutely crushed it in Florida. I mean crushed it
Speaker 1: like bos Salts crushed it. And judging by this post
Speaker 1: on his knuckle of Twitter, Trump is not taking it. Well, yeah,
Speaker 1: he wrote, shouldn't it be said? That it Jenny, Jenny,
Speaker 1: I got one point one million more votes in Florida
Speaker 1: than run Dy got this year, five point seven million
Speaker 1: to four point six minute, Jess ask, oh wow, And
Speaker 1: you see what you've done? Run the actors, You see
Speaker 1: what you've done? You made Trump so mad he's doing
Speaker 1: maths four points that's five point seven even sounding like Shakespeare?
Speaker 1: And that shouldn't it be said? And here that too fall.
Speaker 1: Here's the thing, here's the thing that's exciting about this.
Speaker 1: The santors of success combined with Trump's failures is already
Speaker 1: causing chaos in the Republican party right because now Republicans
Speaker 1: are asking themselves, what do we do? Do we stick
Speaker 1: with Trump, who screwed up two elections now but still
Speaker 1: controls all of the hardcore Republicans and it's also completely
Speaker 1: toxic with everyone else, or with old Ronda Santis, who's
Speaker 1: clearly the upgrade of Trump, But then you risk losing
Speaker 1: Trump and then he burns down the entire g O P.
Speaker 1: What do you do? And it's funny, it's so funny
Speaker 1: to watch because all these Conservats they don't know what
Speaker 1: to do, all right, They're just like, do I go
Speaker 1: with Trump? O? Do I go with the sensus? Oh?
Speaker 1: If I had principles, I would follow them, But I
Speaker 1: just want to be on the winning side. Which one
Speaker 1: do I go with? You know? Right now? Right now?
Speaker 1: Conservatives in America like kids who can see a bad
Speaker 1: divorce coming and they want to pick sides, but they
Speaker 1: don't show which parent is going to keep the house.
Speaker 1: But it's true Trump had a tough night. You know,
Speaker 1: poor guy was just at home watching his top election
Speaker 1: deniers lose and crying into a box of classified documents
Speaker 1: a nuclear But because this is Donald Trump, he's not
Speaker 1: taking responsibility. In fact, it's being reported that he's blaming
Speaker 1: Millennia for pushing him to endorse Dr Oz in the
Speaker 1: first place, saying it was quote not her best decision. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and I'm sure. In response, Millania was like, yes, it's true,
Speaker 1: I'm very bad that picking man. But what everything about
Speaker 1: the election was about Democrats or Republicans. So let's take
Speaker 1: a moment to appreciate all the historic moments from last night.
Speaker 1: We want to tell you about several historic firsts across
Speaker 1: the country. In Alabama, Republican Katie Britt the winner in
Speaker 1: the race for U. S. Senate. She's the first woman
Speaker 1: ever elected to the Senate in Alabama. In Maryland, Democrat
Speaker 1: Westmore will be the state's first black governor, and Massachusetts
Speaker 1: made history onto fronts democ had an Attorney General Moura
Speaker 1: Healy will become the first female governor in the state's history,
Speaker 1: and she will also be the nation's first openly lesbian governor.
Speaker 1: Election history was also made in Florida. Year old Democrat
Speaker 1: Maxwell Frost is said to be the first member of
Speaker 1: Generation Z to win a seat in Congress. Wow, a
Speaker 1: twenty five year old congressman. That's gonna be great to
Speaker 1: have a young person in Congress. And by young, I
Speaker 1: mean under five. I mean it will be tough. Though.
Speaker 1: It will be tough being that young around that many
Speaker 1: old people off. His time is going to be spent
Speaker 1: helping them with their phones. It's gonna be in the
Speaker 1: middle of a speech like and that's why my district
Speaker 1: and the people of it deserved what what chuck? No,
Speaker 1: just just swipe up, swipe up to close the app. No,
Speaker 1: swipe up, No, don't click that there are not really
Speaker 1: hot singles in your area. It's a trick, truck, It's
Speaker 1: a trick, and then a lot of other cool first
Speaker 1: to women first, LGBT you first, immigrant first. Honestly, I
Speaker 1: almost feel bad for anyone who won last night and
Speaker 1: wasn't a historic first. There's probably some straight white guy
Speaker 1: last night giving his victory speech like it's an honor
Speaker 1: to be the first governor in state history? Who can
Speaker 1: uh do this? Pretty pretty sick? Right? Yeah? Yeah, no,
Speaker 1: just me. Let's kick things off with the mid term elections.
Speaker 1: A night so disappointing for Republicans, Mitch McConnell is flying
Speaker 1: his jaws at half masks. As of right now, there
Speaker 1: are several big races that are still too close to call.
Speaker 1: For instance, will Republican Adam laxal to hold onto his
Speaker 1: lead in the Nevada Senate race, Will Lauren Bobert's sleep
Speaker 1: squeak one out in Colorado? Will election deny a carry
Speaker 1: Lake accept the results if she loses the Arizona governor's race,
Speaker 1: or will she try to hang whoever Arizona's Mike Pences.
Speaker 1: Nobody knows, and one reason it's so hard to predict
Speaker 1: the results is that Americans cost ballots in so many
Speaker 1: different ways, and they all come in differently and separately. Right,
Speaker 1: and Democrats tend to vote early by mail or dropbox,
Speaker 1: Republicans show up on election date or use military ballots,
Speaker 1: and herschel Walker votes the way he fathers his children absentee.
Speaker 1: But there is one unfinished race that's not all that close,
Speaker 1: and it's a real trip. We're still watching Proposition one two,
Speaker 1: which appears likely to pass, and if it does, Colorado
Speaker 1: would essentially legalized psychedelic mushrooms, passing the proposition with decriminalized
Speaker 1: personal possession right away, and then it would allow license
Speaker 1: medical facilities to administer the natural medicine starting in Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's right. After being one of the first states to
Speaker 1: legalize marijuana, Colorado is not one of the first states
Speaker 1: to legalize mushrooms. And I think it's great. I think
Speaker 1: it is, yeah, because of creating like a instead of
Speaker 1: creating a drug underworld, Colorado is bringing everything else and
Speaker 1: so the open you know, you can legalize that, you
Speaker 1: can regulate it. It's like those parents who give their
Speaker 1: kids wine with dinner. There's like, yeah, I'd rather they
Speaker 1: be drunk in front of me. Because it's safer and
Speaker 1: also it's funny to watch them bumping into things. Girl,
Speaker 1: look at you, Tyler. And I know right now, I know,
Speaker 1: right now, there's some people seeing this law going into
Speaker 1: effect on their panic and they're like, shrooms, who are
Speaker 1: gonna be legal? What? And I'm like, but hey, hey,
Speaker 1: just relax, relax, breathe, You're gonna be just fine. Just
Speaker 1: drink more water and listen to some enya okay and
Speaker 1: yeah and yeah and yeah it's a weird name. I'm
Speaker 1: freaking out again. But personally, I'm all for drug laws
Speaker 1: getting less restrictive, and if they do officially legalized rooms,
Speaker 1: I'm also excited for their next ballot measure. Why are
Speaker 1: my hands so big? Now? If we had more time,
Speaker 1: we could talk about whether the acceptance of recreational drug
Speaker 1: use can lead to increased understanding of the therapeutic value
Speaker 1: of psychedelics. Oh, how weird it is that drugs are
Speaker 1: like the one illegal thing we get to vote on
Speaker 1: to make legal, you know, like, why don't we legalize
Speaker 1: jaywalking or even better, jay driving? Why did the pedestrians
Speaker 1: have the sidewalks after themselves? But we don't have the
Speaker 1: time for any of that because while the US is
Speaker 1: abandoning the war on drugs, Ukraine is still fighting its
Speaker 1: war with Russia, and its leader just got some really
Speaker 1: strange military assistance. The actors on Penn most often doing
Speaker 1: the unpredictable. He did it again, this time loaning his
Speaker 1: oscar to the President of Ukraine, but it comes with
Speaker 1: a condition. Video posted online shows Pen handing the oscar
Speaker 1: to Ukrainian President Zelinski. He said Zelinski can keep it
Speaker 1: until Ukraine wins the war against Russia. Penn has visited
Speaker 1: Ukraine several times since the fighting began last February. If
Speaker 1: I know this is here with you, then I'll then
Speaker 1: I'll feel better and strong enough for the fight when
Speaker 1: you when you win, bring it back to Malabama. I
Speaker 1: don't even know how to process this information. Am I
Speaker 1: own mushrooms? Is? Is it happening already? Like like already?
Speaker 1: I don't get it. How does the oscar help Zelensky
Speaker 1: fight The Wall's supposed to use it as a weapon.
Speaker 1: I mean, if that's the case, at least give him too,
Speaker 1: so he can use them like nunchucks, like on a chain,
Speaker 1: you know. And it would be strange enough if he
Speaker 1: just gave him an oscar to help win the war,
Speaker 1: but he wants Zelensky to return it. That was the
Speaker 1: weird part for me. He's like, make sure you bring
Speaker 1: this back to me. That's a lot of responsibility. The
Speaker 1: man is already running a war against Russia. Now he's
Speaker 1: gonna make sure that nothing happens to Sean Pen's oscar.
Speaker 1: He's like air raid sirens are going off there like quickly, sir, quickly,
Speaker 1: everyone get to the bunk, and he's like, coming, I
Speaker 1: just need to find short Pens. Can you back? Can
Speaker 1: need it back. The only way I think this could
Speaker 1: work is if Zelensky gave the oscar to Putin and
Speaker 1: then while Putin gave the acceptance speech, the music just
Speaker 1: played him off and then he had to leave Ukraine.
Speaker 1: But wait, I wasn't finished. Okay, good night, goodbye everybody.
Speaker 1: I actually hope that Zelenski is a fan of Sean
Speaker 1: Penn's movies, because because we don't know what else happened,
Speaker 1: that you might have gotten really awkward, you know. Sean
Speaker 1: Penn is like, here, I want you to have my
Speaker 1: best actor Oscar for Milk. Yes, Yes, one of my
Speaker 1: favorite film my I remember watching it and thinking wow,
Speaker 1: that's this lot of milk. No way you come during
Speaker 1: cold milk. Powerful story. Now, if we had more time,
Speaker 1: we could talk about the other major development in the war,
Speaker 1: which is that Russia was just forced into another embarrassing
Speaker 1: retreat from a major Ukrainian city, probably because they heard
Speaker 1: Ukraine has Sean Penn's oscar now. But we don't have
Speaker 1: the time for that because right now, the one thing
Speaker 1: being managed worse than Putin's role is Elon Musk's websites.
Speaker 1: We Twitter has officially debuted it's verified blue check marks
Speaker 1: in the future, is already causing a lot of confusion.
Speaker 1: Subscribers who pay the eight dollar monthly fear now entitled
Speaker 1: to some additional perks, namely the blue checkmark previously reserved
Speaker 1: for verified accounts. The problem is some of those users
Speaker 1: are using their newly acquired verification to impersonate celebrities and
Speaker 1: other public figures. Someone pretending to beat Lebron James tweeted
Speaker 1: I am officially requesting a trade from the Lakers. An
Speaker 1: account that appeared to be from the pharmaceutical company Eli
Speaker 1: Lily announced that all insland would now be free. Meanwhile,
Speaker 1: a user impersonating George W. Bush declared I miss killing Iraqis,
Speaker 1: and a fake account for Nintendo simply tweeted a picture
Speaker 1: of Mario giving the finger. Oh no, because anyone can
Speaker 1: buy verification. Then now impersonating famous people who could have
Speaker 1: seen this coming. What everyone on Wow, where were you guys?
Speaker 1: Forty four billion dollars ago. Look, I'm gonna be honest
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna be blunt here. Elon Musk is running
Speaker 1: Twitter into the ground, and it's the best Twitter has
Speaker 1: ever been? Are you kidding me? Fake Lebron leaving n
Speaker 1: Mario flipping the bird, George Bush telling us how he
Speaker 1: really feels. The thing is an absolute train wreck and
Speaker 1: I'm here for it. The only reason we know that
Speaker 1: that wasn't the real Mario was because Mario would never
Speaker 1: flip someone the bird. He's Italian, Come on, yeah, he'd
Speaker 1: probably do this right on this It is like, hey, Cooper,
Speaker 1: tell your mother said hello? Why? But who knows? Who knows?
Speaker 1: Maybe all of this verified real fake people on Twitter
Speaker 1: chaos is actually part of Elon's plan. Yeah, maybe this
Speaker 1: is what he's doing on purpose, so no one will
Speaker 1: know a real account from a fake account, and then
Speaker 1: he'll be like, guys, did you see someone impersonated me
Speaker 1: and spent billion dollars on Twitter. That was crazy. Well
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna take my money and be on my way. Okay,
Speaker 1: bye bye bye. Now, if we had the time, we
Speaker 1: could discuss how this verified fiasco isn't just hurting Twitter,
Speaker 1: it's also damaging testlas Stock. Oh, we could definitely talk
Speaker 1: about how Rihanna just sit on Twitter that she wanted
Speaker 1: me to perform with her at the Super Bowl and no,
Speaker 1: it's not a fake account because she even asked for
Speaker 1: my Social Security number. But we don't have the time
Speaker 1: for any of that, because while Twitter is faking celebrities,
Speaker 1: a real celebrity is in trouble for faking his life.
Speaker 1: Vogue is suing rappers Drake and twenty one Savage for
Speaker 1: using a fake cover story to promote their new album
Speaker 1: Her Loss So. Back in October, Drake shared what appeared
Speaker 1: to be a Vogue magazine cover featuring himself and twenty
Speaker 1: one Savage with the caption me and my brother on
Speaker 1: the newsstand tomorrow, thanking Vogue editors for their support. Well,
Speaker 1: apparently they did not like this, because the publishers they
Speaker 1: filed a complaint in federal court this week, saying the
Speaker 1: stunt was infringement of the company's trademark. So far, no
Speaker 1: comment on the law suit from Trake or Savage. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's right. Vogue is suing Drake and twenty one Savage
Speaker 1: for four million dollars for photoshopping themselves onto the cover
Speaker 1: of the magazine, which, to be honest, I don't know
Speaker 1: if Vogue has a case here. You can clearly tell
Speaker 1: that this was a fake cover. I mean, Vogue lighting
Speaker 1: black people properly. This is clearly not real. But no,
Speaker 1: it's parody, but the beef is very real. The biggest
Speaker 1: name in magazines is going up against the biggest name
Speaker 1: in hip hop. That's no joke. This hasn't happened since
Speaker 1: Tupac got shot by Reader's Digest. That shire was no gag. Now,
Speaker 1: just for context, this Vogue cover wasn't the only fake
Speaker 1: promotion Drake in twenty one Savage I've been doing right.
Speaker 1: He also released a fake interview with Howard Stern, a
Speaker 1: fake SNL performance, fake appearance on NPR like Tiny Desk,
Speaker 1: which is a little weird because he's Drake. He doesn't
Speaker 1: have to fake any of these things. You know. It's
Speaker 1: so weird. You mean's like, Drake, if you want to
Speaker 1: be on NPR, I'm pretty sure you can be on NPR.
Speaker 1: This would be like Obama photoshopping himself at a buffalo
Speaker 1: wild Wings. You know, he was just like, look, Michelle,
Speaker 1: it almost looks like I was actually there. How cool
Speaker 1: would that be? He come, man, you've a pregnant and
Speaker 1: he couldn't go to the buffal a long Wings. Wat's
Speaker 1: the Daily show weeknights at eleven tenth Central on Comedy
Speaker 1: Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. This
Speaker 1: has been a Comedy Central podcast