Speaker 1: I won't let my body out me outwait everything that
Speaker 1: I'm made done, won't spend my life trying to change.
Speaker 1: I'm learning love who I am, I get, I'm strong,
Speaker 1: I feel free, I know everybody of me.
Speaker 2: It's beautiful.
Speaker 1: And then he'll always out way if you feel it,
Speaker 1: but you.
Speaker 2: She'll some love to the food.
Speaker 1: By you have there say good day and did you
Speaker 1: and die out?
Speaker 3: Hey hey Leenne here and I hope you enjoyed this
Speaker 3: series with doctor Chip Dodd. Here on outweigh and if
Speaker 3: you want to learn more about how I teach my
Speaker 3: own clients to turn off the part of their brain
Speaker 3: that's obsessed with food, obsessed with their weight, and rewire
Speaker 3: their own brain for peace and freedom, then head on
Speaker 3: over to Stressless eating dot com, where I've literally peeled
Speaker 3: back the curtain and walked you through the exact strategy
Speaker 3: I teach my clients to heal themselves from the all
Speaker 3: or nothing diet mentality for good, but without restricting themselves,
Speaker 3: punishing their bodies, and definitely without ever having to use
Speaker 3: words like macros, low carb or calorie burn. It is
Speaker 3: all over there for you to access over at stressless
Speaker 3: seeding dot com. Happy Saturday out Way, we are back
Speaker 3: for our fourth and final episode of this mini series,
Speaker 3: here with doctor Chip Dodd.
Speaker 2: Hello again, Aileen.
Speaker 4: I've really enjoyed getting to do this with you.
Speaker 3: Thank you, absolutely, it has been amazing. What has been
Speaker 3: just coming out over these microphones. I feel like it's
Speaker 3: just been ordained in something like spontaneous.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 3: These are the kinds of conversations that you can only
Speaker 3: plan to a certain extent. So I'm so grateful that
Speaker 3: you're here. The series is called Why We Numb The
Speaker 3: Real Root of Coping Mechanisms. But if you've been tuning in,
Speaker 3: obviously we're talking about things like addiction and coping mechanisms,
Speaker 3: but the real why, behind the what, what's causing this?
Speaker 3: How to take back power from your heart so that
Speaker 3: your brain stops hijacking you and that brain heart kind
Speaker 3: of dance that's going on. Why we numb and how
Speaker 3: we are avoiding pain and seeking discomfort, And we talked
Speaker 3: about that from an experiential level and a human level,
Speaker 3: a logic and reason level. But also we've every single
Speaker 3: week hit on the neuroscience. If you're like me and
Speaker 3: you want to get a little geeky and learn about the.
Speaker 2: Why behind the what.
Speaker 3: And then last week we really started transitioning into the
Speaker 3: healing side of this. What do we do now that
Speaker 3: we have all this information, we have this awareness of
Speaker 3: what our problems are and what they aren't, how do
Speaker 3: we actually go take use the tools that we have
Speaker 3: or go get access to tools to start moving forward.
Speaker 2: And so today we're going to talk about.
Speaker 3: Something that might feel a little bit scary to a
Speaker 3: lot of people, which is the idea of feeling our
Speaker 3: feels and having the courage to feel what we're feeling
Speaker 3: and allow those feelings to be there. How to healthily
Speaker 3: process emotions, how to recognize them, how to stop numbing them,
Speaker 3: all of those things, but transforming our relationship with emotions.
Speaker 3: So let's just dive in by talking about first of all,
Speaker 3: there is this kind of not for everyone, but for
Speaker 3: a lot of people, a stigma, a fear of feelings.
Speaker 4: Right.
Speaker 3: I know, I've had my own kind of insecurities of
Speaker 3: like am I over emotional?
Speaker 2: Do I feel things too much?
Speaker 3: Too deeply? And I had to recognize like, no, that's
Speaker 3: just who I am. I'm just a feeling person. But
Speaker 3: that being said, there is a lot of that kind
Speaker 3: of self talk about our feelings and then shame about
Speaker 3: our feelings. So how do we stop fearing those feelings
Speaker 3: and start listening to them in stead?
Speaker 4: And there's so much you know, almost all of us
Speaker 4: carry inside in front of the genuine feelings and the
Speaker 4: courage that we're born with actually believe or not, but
Speaker 4: we have toxic shame, which means we have contempt and
Speaker 4: judgment towards ourselves as weak for having feelings. Okay, like
Speaker 4: then that feelings in and of themselves are a weakness,
Speaker 4: not a strength. And then secondly we're afraid to let
Speaker 4: them out do We get afraid of the judgment, so
Speaker 4: we make up all kinds of stories about what's going
Speaker 4: to happen if I have feelings, what people are going
Speaker 4: to do to me, what they're going to think of me.
Speaker 4: Then the two core essential needs that a human being
Speaker 4: has won't be met. I need to belong and the
Speaker 4: need to matter. But we've decided quote quote a long
Speaker 4: time ago, I only belong to matter when I perform
Speaker 4: a certain way, so my presence isn't as important, not enough.
Speaker 4: So ultimately we have to take the risk of pushing
Speaker 4: through the fear, using it, and then pushing through this
Speaker 4: veil of shame and telling the truth and courage means
Speaker 4: full hearted participation, and believe it or not, when you
Speaker 4: were born, you were probably came out of the womb
Speaker 4: with more courage than you'll ever express the rest of
Speaker 4: your life because you didn't know not to. The toxic
Speaker 4: shame wasn't there, the healthy shame wise, the healthy shame
Speaker 4: is sure, I'm dependent. Of course I'm going to be
Speaker 4: risking making mistakes. I know I don't have all the answers.
Speaker 4: Of course I need you. What's the big problem you
Speaker 4: need me to? What are we doing here? It's like
Speaker 4: the normal natural inborn experience. What we need is just
Speaker 4: boundaries around that, like I don't like that. I need
Speaker 4: you to hear me say I don't like that and
Speaker 4: respond to me. And in other words, it's okay to
Speaker 4: have a self, it's okay to be yourself. And so
Speaker 4: you literally come out of the womb full hearted. You're
Speaker 4: all in like I feel I need, I desire along
Speaker 4: I hope. So the thing easily end is that once
Speaker 4: we find our feelings, which it takes courage, like Okay,
Speaker 4: this could hurt, but I'm dying without it. Look, if
Speaker 4: you don't feel. If you suppressed feel, you don't connect.
Speaker 4: If you don't connect, you're isolated. If you're isolated, you
Speaker 4: are removed from life. If you're removed from life, you're
Speaker 4: not living. If you're not living well, you're going to
Speaker 4: find addiction to continue. But every day is aspiraling down
Speaker 4: towards not wanting to live anymore. I mean, once we
Speaker 4: foreclose on our hearts, we try to leave ourselves behind.
Speaker 4: There's no place to go to be away from how
Speaker 4: I may ultimately except the numbt anesthetize it, deny and
Speaker 4: own and on. So basically, recovery is so much about
Speaker 4: returning to the self, and it is scary because we
Speaker 4: have lots of experiences that tell us why not to
Speaker 4: do it. But it's almost like, you know, hitting bottom
Speaker 4: really means I'm sick and tired of not living. It
Speaker 4: doesn't have to be under a bridge. It can just
Speaker 4: be waking up one day and go, Okay, that's enough,
Speaker 4: and so what do I do? And that's what we're
Speaker 4: going to ask for help, which is a healthy shame
Speaker 4: experience that we'll toxically shame ourselves for right. But then
Speaker 4: at that point it's about feeding your feelings. Of course,
Speaker 4: you know, telling the truth about them. But look, if
Speaker 4: I have fear, I have a need of help from danger.
Speaker 4: If I have sadness, I have a need for comfort
Speaker 4: in it. If I have loneliness, have a need for
Speaker 4: connection to someone someplace somewhere right, and either I address it,
Speaker 4: address it like vulnerably, like admission. Here I am I,
Speaker 4: and I actually choose to be with people I've watched
Speaker 4: who can do it themselves, so I might just get received.
Speaker 4: So courage is taking the risk of returning to how
Speaker 4: we're made again. And yes it's scared. Yes it's scary,
Speaker 4: but every feeling has a corresponding need to need, and
Speaker 4: each feeling has the need of a certain territory, and
Speaker 4: then the admission of desiring something that I don't believe
Speaker 4: will happen or left behind. So it all comes back
Speaker 4: to saying, look, I'm scared of this, and at the
Speaker 4: same time, here I am. Great movie, it's an old movie. Now,
Speaker 4: I'm telling you Goodwill Hunting is one of the greatest
Speaker 4: stories that over. I'm telling you it's fabulous. It's a
Speaker 4: story of returning to courage, how terrifying it is, and
Speaker 4: how the terror in Will Hunting was anxiety when Shane said, man, listen,
Speaker 4: it's not your fault, and he kept coming close and
Speaker 4: it's like, stop it, Shane, don't fool me. Don't do
Speaker 4: this to me if you're lying. In fact, don't do
Speaker 4: this to me at all, because you're getting close to
Speaker 4: me being me and it'll kill me. And instead it
Speaker 4: awakened it. Right. So this is what we're terrified of
Speaker 4: the end. We're so scared that if we have feelings
Speaker 4: it'll kill us. But here's what happens, and it is
Speaker 4: so precious and yet so tragic that this is what
Speaker 4: we've been running from. If you have feedings, two things
Speaker 4: will happen. They really will. If you have feedings. Number one,
Speaker 4: you're gonna have them. I mean you're actually gonna have them,
Speaker 4: like your sadness will probably have tears or there'll be
Speaker 4: just a heavy admission for a little while. Yes, And
Speaker 4: so one you're gonna have feelings, and then you're gonna
Speaker 4: also have memories. Or if you have memories, you're gonna
Speaker 4: have feelings. So that's how calm. We run from feelings
Speaker 4: because our memories have told us it's not a good
Speaker 4: thing to do or it's unsafe. So When we return
Speaker 4: to feedings, we're returning to how come we left them behind.
Speaker 4: When we return to memories, we're going to be returning
Speaker 4: to the feelings we suppressed or attempted to escape from.
Speaker 4: And what's amazing is once we've become dedicated to not
Speaker 4: feeling is crazy as it sounds, it's a loyalty to
Speaker 4: toxic shame. It's a loyalty to our own self hate.
Speaker 4: And then it's tragically, it's a loyalty to the very
Speaker 4: people if they had a chance to repeat, probably wouldn't
Speaker 4: do it that way, we hope. But it's a loyalty
Speaker 4: towards the very people that taught us to harm ourselves.
Speaker 4: As they were harming themselves. They couldn't tolerate feelings, so
Speaker 4: they taught us to keep them comfortable. That's the family
Speaker 4: of origin issue. Usually, So feelings won't kill you, they'll
Speaker 4: bring you to life, but it starts with just having them.
Speaker 4: Yes you'll have feelings, and yes you'll have memories, and
Speaker 4: believe it or not, after the grief, there is a RESTful,
Speaker 4: tiredness that feels good after the loneliness spoken and somebody
Speaker 4: actually says, hey, I get it, and all of a sudden.
Speaker 4: You have a day of just sort of sharing, and
Speaker 4: afterwards you leave, You're like, I need to call you back,
Speaker 4: say you're laughing at me, and they say, no, I'm
Speaker 4: not laughing. Maybe I just did, like, no, I'm not laughing.
Speaker 4: Are you crazy? I get it, absolutely, So we will
Speaker 4: distrust it. But what we're distrusting is that we're just
Speaker 4: trusting the healing. We're just trusting I just received what
Speaker 4: I'm made to have, So we distrust that this could
Speaker 4: be real.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and it feels scary in a way to think
Speaker 3: about the concept of healing, But honestly, when you think
Speaker 3: about what's scarier, not healing is scarier.
Speaker 4: It is you know, and it's because and that we can.
Speaker 3: Right absolutely, it's the devil that we know. You mentioned
Speaker 3: this idea of loneliness or the isolation side of it
Speaker 3: and the hiding, and we talked about avoidance a lot
Speaker 3: back in episode two. But the loneliness and the isolation part.
Speaker 3: I can't believe we even skipped over that, because that's
Speaker 3: a big part when we are in the throes of
Speaker 3: what feels like an addiction, the coping mechanism, the toxic
Speaker 3: shame that that you know then exacerbates everything else that
Speaker 3: the tendencies to then avoid and hide, and that secrecy
Speaker 3: almost it feels like a dirty little secret. Yes, so
Speaker 3: in terms of obviously we know the answer is coming
Speaker 3: back to the heart of who you are and dealing
Speaker 3: safe to be needed and be in need, I should say,
Speaker 3: but kind of weave that in for us too, about
Speaker 3: the hiding and.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it's like it's like the once we have rejected feelings,
Speaker 4: you don't trust them to be the truth of our experience.
Speaker 4: We literally spend our lives devising ways to avoid feeling
Speaker 4: while still getting our needs met. So we're getting farther
Speaker 4: and farther away from being able to connect, even if
Speaker 4: we look like we're the most connected person in the world.
Speaker 4: Even you can be avoiding while being the life of
Speaker 4: the party, yep, and leave after the party and have
Speaker 4: never felt so alone in your life. Janis Joplin is
Speaker 4: so famous one of the greatest blues rock say years
Speaker 4: of all times, I mean poured out herself with expression. Afterwards,
Speaker 4: she said, I've never been more alone in my life
Speaker 4: than after leaving the stage with twenty five thousand fans
Speaker 4: adoring fans, and then she went straight into promiscuity, Heroine
Speaker 4: all the drug use because she couldn't tolerate being in need.
Speaker 4: She could perform to get her needs met, but couldn't
Speaker 4: tolerate being with herself and asking somebody to be with
Speaker 4: her without her having to avoid distract and so on.
Speaker 4: But what happens, It says cursed, which means isolated, not condemned,
Speaker 4: but cursed is the person who trust in their own flesh,
Speaker 4: their own devising ways to numb myself, who depend upon
Speaker 4: their own will power, their own strength, whose heart is
Speaker 4: removed from God. And it's not about religion. It's about
Speaker 4: we're made to find fulfillment and relationship by being connected
Speaker 4: to the universe and connected to others, trusting that the
Speaker 4: universe as in God, and people as in specific people
Speaker 4: want our good. And that's how we end up relinquishing
Speaker 4: our control to giving over to say you want my good, Well,
Speaker 4: I'm made for that good and I want to receive
Speaker 4: that good. Also I become somebody who wants to do good.
Speaker 4: You can't do good unless you have a self to
Speaker 4: do it with, and you cannot give what you do
Speaker 4: not have. So the first thing we have to do
Speaker 4: is be needy to find out we can come back
Speaker 4: to life, and the people of us, those of us
Speaker 4: who have come closest to losing our lives, have the
Speaker 4: most to give to life because there are more people
Speaker 4: who are running from life than there are people who
Speaker 4: are living in life.
Speaker 2: It's so true, isn't it. Yeah? Wow, so so powerful.
Speaker 3: Well, no pressure, But if you were to put a
Speaker 3: wrapper around what you want people to know from all
Speaker 3: four episodes of the series.
Speaker 2: What would it be?
Speaker 4: Gosh, there's so many things. Let's go with this that
Speaker 4: I think that when Jesus said to the disciples experiencing, like,
Speaker 4: how can anybody do this? And then Jesus literally took
Speaker 4: a child and said, hey, come here, come here, and
Speaker 4: the child stood by his knee. In my picture anyway,
Speaker 4: and it's Matthew eighteen two and three, and it said,
Speaker 4: unless you change and become like one of these, which
Speaker 4: is to have faith like this. And the faith is
Speaker 4: not a systematic theology. The faith is being in need
Speaker 4: and having feelings. I'm hoping for something and I was
Speaker 4: born to picture something I haven't found yet. Okay, you
Speaker 4: can't change yourself, Jesus said, unless you change, it becomes
Speaker 4: you can't change yourself you can shift your habits, you
Speaker 4: can't change yourself. You have to admit your need to
Speaker 4: be connected, and then you return to becoming. You're back
Speaker 4: on the road of being yourself. So I would hope
Speaker 4: that feel your feelings, be able to tell the truth
Speaker 4: about them and believe it or not. Hand yourself over
Speaker 4: to a process, Give it to God, give it to
Speaker 4: the process, and the process as itself heals us. There's
Speaker 4: a river. We put our raft in. The river takes
Speaker 4: us to where we're made to go. We just got
Speaker 4: to be willing to take the risks that we can
Speaker 4: find out how to swim and we won't drown.
Speaker 3: Feel your feelings, feel the feeling. I'm curious, so so powerful, Yeah,
Speaker 3: so simple yet you know, simple, not easy, but so powerful.
Speaker 4: And again, if you're easy, the whole wheeler would do
Speaker 4: it right.
Speaker 3: Exactly and so different from what the world is telling
Speaker 3: us about addiction and coping mechanisms. Is that work harder, resist,
Speaker 3: white knuckle will power control, And it's like no, it's
Speaker 3: the opposite. Surrender, feel, release, humble yourself like a child.
Speaker 3: You know, don't be afraid to say I know nothing,
Speaker 3: I know nothing about nothing.
Speaker 2: You know, God, Universe, what do you have for me? Yeah,
Speaker 2: and again I'm in need.
Speaker 4: Well the last thing if you have time, but like
Speaker 4: just let's just touch based on food for just to say, yeah,
Speaker 4: we have to eat, We're made to eat, We're going
Speaker 4: to eat. Okay. What's amazing is when you find yourself
Speaker 4: and actually say I care about me and I want
Speaker 4: to live life fully. It's not about perfection, it's about practice.
Speaker 4: But when I finally face I really want something, I
Speaker 4: just want something. Then guess what if I really want
Speaker 4: something versus have to do something? If I really want
Speaker 4: something versus should? You see, we're created God created is
Speaker 4: to reject should should should? Should should? When I want something,
Speaker 4: you know what, I'm willing to kind of like practice
Speaker 4: being in pain for something, and then that becomes being
Speaker 4: good at delaying like immediate reception. And then all of
Speaker 4: a sudden I found like, hey, that workout, that waiting,
Speaker 4: that delay, that eating certain things left me better. And
Speaker 4: then all of a sudden, what we find out is
Speaker 4: that to want to becomes a lifestyle. It becomes a
Speaker 4: sense of get to, not have to, And once you
Speaker 4: get to because you want to, you're free to keep
Speaker 4: doing it. So we're gonna eat.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 4: So there is a process. Uh, we call it self love,
Speaker 4: we call it delagrad, we call all kinds of things.
Speaker 4: But feeling your feelings and finding that man, you were
Speaker 4: made right, and you've got a yes within you that's
Speaker 4: waiting to be addressed, and you say yes to how
Speaker 4: you're made it, you end up you wind up wanting
Speaker 4: to do good for yourself absolutely.
Speaker 3: And freedom, like what I just to stack on what
Speaker 3: you just said because it's so so powerful. Freedom is
Speaker 3: giving your yourself the ability to make these choices that
Speaker 3: serve you, rather than constantly feeling like choices being taken away. Yes,
Speaker 3: or life is just happening to you.
Speaker 2: You know it.
Speaker 3: You take back power from it. But it starts, it
Speaker 3: starts at your heart. And and like you said, it
Speaker 3: doesn't have to be a deep, dark rock bottom, but
Speaker 3: you do have to get to that place where you're like, no,
Speaker 3: I'm no longer living to live, I'm no longer willing
Speaker 3: to live in this, in this howl, or live as
Speaker 3: a you know, a victim to my circumstances or a
Speaker 3: victim to the way that my brain has kind of
Speaker 3: been taking over me.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and that doesn't become will power becomes who will
Speaker 4: help me yes, and ask you for it, and then
Speaker 4: actually taking a risk of daring to question if that
Speaker 4: will really work.
Speaker 3: Contend, fight yes, fight for your freedom absolutely, rather than
Speaker 3: argue for your failure your lamentations. So wilse it well,
Speaker 3: thank you so much for being here. And guys, there's
Speaker 3: a bunch of free resources over at Chipdodd dot com,
Speaker 3: including his amazing Gift of Feelings and the eight Core
Speaker 3: Feelings and Their Purposes, which he goes into depth about
Speaker 3: in the Voice of the Heart.
Speaker 2: So I can't recommend that book enough.
Speaker 3: Also, he's got an amazing podcast, You definitely need to
Speaker 3: check that out, the Living with Heart Podcasts. You can
Speaker 3: find it anywhere podcasts or stream And we are just
Speaker 3: so grateful that you came here on this series.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much.
Speaker 4: Thanks man, God bless absolutely right. Bye bye