Speaker 1: Episode three sixty four, how to build relationships in your
Speaker 1: thirties and how they impact your money.
Speaker 2: Welcome to the Frugal Friends podcast, where you'll learn to
Speaker 2: save money, embrace simplicity, and liver your life. Man Here
Speaker 2: your hosts, Jen and Jill.
Speaker 1: Welcome to the Frugal Friends podcast. My name is Jen,
Speaker 1: my name is Jill, and its two women solidly in
Speaker 1: their thirties, not late thirties, but approaching solidly in our
Speaker 1: mid thirties. I would say at thirty four, we have
Speaker 1: decided that it's time it's time we talk about friends
Speaker 1: in your thirties because they actually have a big impact
Speaker 1: on your money and how you spend it. And we're
Speaker 1: excited to dive into how to recognize that impact, how
Speaker 1: to encourage that impact in a positive way, and then
Speaker 1: also about the importance of relationships in general and forming
Speaker 1: and building healthy relationships.
Speaker 3: Yeah, we think this is so vital and we've got
Speaker 3: so much to say on it that we're not going
Speaker 3: to turn to the internet for this. We are going
Speaker 3: to share our own thoughts, similar to how we've done
Speaker 3: in a few other episodes in the past. We think
Speaker 3: this is one of the core principles of frugality and
Speaker 3: values based spending is finding and building and maintaining beneficial community.
Speaker 3: So we've got our own thoughts to share with you
Speaker 3: all today. There won't be any headlines here, hopefully you
Speaker 3: stick with us. But first, this episode is brought to
Speaker 3: you by swapping lunches, the original way of making friends.
Speaker 3: Trading your PBNJ for your friends turkey sandwich or the
Speaker 3: homemade cookie for the dunker use pack, or just watching
Speaker 3: other people trade lunches because no one wants carrot sticks
Speaker 3: and wheat germ waffles. If this is you only now
Speaker 3: with your inbox instead of your lunch box, we have
Speaker 3: a solution. Even if all the emails you're receiving are
Speaker 3: the equivalent to cold lentil soup or two day old
Speaker 3: baloney sandwich on seated bread. You two can level up
Speaker 3: your inbox game with the friend letter. It's our newsletter,
Speaker 3: Jen and Jill. I'm Jill, She's Jen. We send you
Speaker 3: updates on what you can get for free that week. Savings, tips, money,
Speaker 3: mindset shifts, so many great great goodies for free to
Speaker 3: your inbox. Frugal Friends Podcasts dot com. We will give
Speaker 3: you our cool lunch even if your lunch isn't that cool? Wow? Okay, okay,
Speaker 3: in the form of freebies and saving STIPs, yes, and moneys.
Speaker 1: I mean, it really is an up level to your inbox.
Speaker 3: No one ever wanted to trade lunchbox items with me, Jen,
Speaker 3: I never had the cool stuff.
Speaker 1: That's because your parents spent all their money sending your
Speaker 1: siblings to private school.
Speaker 3: I won't comment anymore on that. It's okay, mom, I
Speaker 3: turned out fine. I have a friend on the podcast Fantastic.
Speaker 3: If you really want to solidify your friends, get into
Speaker 3: business with them. That's what those episodes about.
Speaker 1: Yes, I don't right if you're If you're paranoid that
Speaker 1: your friends will leave you, enter into a legally binding
Speaker 1: contract with them. That's the route we've taken. If you
Speaker 1: are not as paranoid, then this episode may offer you
Speaker 1: some tips, but that's just our first one off the bat.
Speaker 1: That one's free if you so. We've been talking about
Speaker 1: community for a while, from our earliest we are episode
Speaker 1: fifty eight, right, we're at episode three hundred and sixty four.
Speaker 1: Now episode fifty eight. We talked about building a frugal
Speaker 1: culture in your community because that is how vital. Early
Speaker 1: on we have viewed our community, our friend group, our family,
Speaker 1: just the people in our vicinity. That's how important they
Speaker 1: are to your bigger journey of frugality. And yes, you
Speaker 1: can absolutely go out and find new friends if you want.
Speaker 1: I guess you can't really find new family, but it's
Speaker 1: a lot harder to start from scratch versus like building
Speaker 1: that culture in So if you want to scroll all
Speaker 1: the way back in the archives, episode fifty eight, it's
Speaker 1: a good one. We also have episode three one three
Speaker 1: managing money as a single woman. I wasn't there for
Speaker 1: that episode, but I here it was a good one
Speaker 1: because definitely when you're single, you spend a lot more
Speaker 1: money cultivating community than you do when you have, you know,
Speaker 1: a spouse, family, that sort of thing. It is just
Speaker 1: as important when you have those things to have community
Speaker 1: outside of your immediate family, but you get the opportunity
Speaker 1: to spend more money on it when you don't have
Speaker 1: those things. So that was a really good one with
Speaker 1: our friend Chloe. And yeah, let's get into our non headlines.
Speaker 1: It's just us talking about cultivating community. So take it away, Joe.
Speaker 3: So here's where we're going in this episode. We're going
Speaker 3: to talk about why community, the importance of it. We
Speaker 3: want to talk about the different types of community and
Speaker 3: relationships that most of us have and engage in. We
Speaker 3: want to talk about how to find and keep relationships,
Speaker 3: especially for those of you who would solidly place yourself
Speaker 3: in your mid thirties, and how community and relationships impact
Speaker 3: our finances. But it's not just for those of you
Speaker 3: who are in your mid thirties. You can be a
Speaker 3: range of ages and still glean hopefully. And here we go.
Speaker 3: We believe that community is super important, very vital, because
Speaker 3: we think that it's one of our core needs and
Speaker 3: core components of our personhood. We talk a lot about
Speaker 3: our whole personhood, where we describe that we are physical beings,
Speaker 3: emotional beings, mental beings, relational beings, spiritual beings, and all
Speaker 3: of these aspects of ourselves needs to be cared for
Speaker 3: in order for the others to also do well in
Speaker 3: order to aim at well being, and that our finances
Speaker 3: intersect with every aspect of our personhood in each of
Speaker 3: these categories. So to focus in just on relationships in
Speaker 3: this episode, we think it's a massive part of who
Speaker 3: we are that we don't do well in isolation. I
Speaker 3: think we've probably all seen some version of what happens
Speaker 3: to people in isolation. Depending on what documentaries or news
Speaker 3: channels you watch, you end up learning what happens. We
Speaker 3: need people, and we crave that. We crave belonging. We
Speaker 3: are searching for it. Sometimes we find really great life
Speaker 3: giving relationships and community, and sometimes we kind of keep
Speaker 3: not finding the people who are giving back or actually
Speaker 3: filling us up, maybe some people who are just a
Speaker 3: little bit more depleting. So hopefully in this episode we
Speaker 3: can kind of clear the air on why some of
Speaker 3: that is, how we can really find our people, but
Speaker 3: also not to get rid of the people who are depleting.
Speaker 3: Just add in as we need, because not any one
Speaker 3: person or anyone group is going to fulfill all of
Speaker 3: our relational needs. It's going to take a variety of
Speaker 3: relationships and types of people and types of groups for
Speaker 3: us to feel well relationally. And of course there's a
Speaker 3: lot to be said on this topic of how we
Speaker 3: relate to one another. Personality plays a lot into this.
Speaker 3: I know attachment theory has a lot to say about
Speaker 3: the ways in which we relate. We're not going to
Speaker 3: take a deep dive into that, but suffice to say
Speaker 3: we believe that relationships community are super important. It is vital.
Speaker 3: We've got to look at it, and then we've got
Speaker 3: to look at now how to finances play into this.
Speaker 3: But before we get there, I think it's also important
Speaker 3: to highlight the different ways that we do benefit from community.
Speaker 3: And I think some of those include shared resources. When
Speaker 3: we are engaged in just one on one relationships, but
Speaker 3: also groups, there can be opportunities for sharing of whatever
Speaker 3: we've got, whether tangible or intangible. Resources. Ideas receive support,
Speaker 3: gives support, experience that reciprocity in relationship, and there can
Speaker 3: be the tangible and the intangible giving and taking. Because
Speaker 3: most of us don't have everything we need inside of
Speaker 3: ourselves or in our immediate surroundings, it kind of takes
Speaker 3: community and relationships to fill in the gaps or even
Speaker 3: help us to see where it is that we're lacking
Speaker 3: or how we can be of service and purpose to others.
Speaker 1: Yeah. I think about this all the time. How we
Speaker 1: live in a society that's very individualistic, that definitely praises
Speaker 1: people for being as independent and self sufficient as possible,
Speaker 1: and so the idea of relying on other people for
Speaker 1: emotional needs and especially physical needs, is frowned upon socially.
Speaker 1: We don't want to be a mooch, we don't want
Speaker 1: to be needy, we don't want to look like we're struggling.
Speaker 1: We don't want to make people feel bad for us. Right,
Speaker 1: And those are all the thoughts that play in our head.
Speaker 1: And the longer that we give into those, the more
Speaker 1: isolated we become. And so to the point where we
Speaker 1: get to our mid thirties, late thirties, and we have
Speaker 1: become so isolated from people that we really wonder where
Speaker 1: it started. And it's typically not and social media just
Speaker 1: plays a part in it. This is something cultural that
Speaker 1: really drives us away from each other. And honestly, it's
Speaker 1: so easy to be individualistic because you can use money
Speaker 1: to buy yourself out of almost any problem. Right, you
Speaker 1: need a cup of sugar, you don't go to your
Speaker 1: neighbor anymore. You just drive to the store because you
Speaker 1: have a car that you could finance, and there's a store.
Speaker 1: There's ten stores on every corner. So it's can become
Speaker 1: very easily easy to become more self sufficient. And so
Speaker 1: part of this conversation that we're heading into is taking
Speaker 1: shutting off all of this cultural bias that says, if
Speaker 1: I am not completely self sufficient, then I am not worthy.
Speaker 1: If I am not fully independent and fully functioning on
Speaker 1: my own, then I am not a valid person in
Speaker 1: our society. I'm not seen as somebody who is worth
Speaker 1: worth it. Rather, or my children will see me differently,
Speaker 1: my partner will see me differently. I think we need
Speaker 1: to reset from that cultural bias and shoes an extreme,
Speaker 1: Like we don't want to go to the other extreme,
Speaker 1: but we want to have some sort of like interdependence
Speaker 1: where we rely on the people in our community and
Speaker 1: that is seen as strength not weakness. Because we all
Speaker 1: love helping our friends and family, right when somebody asks
Speaker 1: you for help, you're like, oh my gosh, yes, I
Speaker 1: would love to help you. I love you. And we
Speaker 1: rob that from ourselves and from our friends when we
Speaker 1: don't want to be a quote unquote burden, right, and
Speaker 1: so we will just automatically spend money, maybe money that
Speaker 1: we don't have, money that could be better allocated somewhere else,
Speaker 1: or money that we don't need to to solve these
Speaker 1: problems so that we're not seeing as a burden. So
Speaker 1: taking a reset and and say and having that neutral mindset,
Speaker 1: taking out the cultural bias so that we can embrace
Speaker 1: these benefits of community, the shared resources, the ideas, the
Speaker 1: mental and physical support, the reciprocity. I was I was
Speaker 1: at the at my son's school for like a teacher
Speaker 1: parent meeting, and it was it was the kindergarten teachers
Speaker 1: with all the all the preschool parents, and they were
Speaker 1: talking about kids missing kindergarten and how that was becoming
Speaker 1: a huge problem and they wanted to see, like, how
Speaker 1: can we solve this, How can we set you up
Speaker 1: for success? And they were like, we want you to
Speaker 1: be able to rely on each other to like, if
Speaker 1: you can't get your kid to school, like somebody else can.
Speaker 1: And some other woman was like, I just call an
Speaker 1: uber for my kid. And I was like, I was
Speaker 1: like a innovative, great, But I personally preferred the kindergarten
Speaker 1: teacher's idea of let's get you all together to form relationships.
Speaker 1: Let's get you all together, the parents that you can
Speaker 1: know each other so that you can feel comfortable sending
Speaker 1: your child to school so that they don't miss school.
Speaker 1: Because you're not able. That doesn't mean that you are
Speaker 1: failing as a parent. It means that we need each other.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that self sufficiency myth is such a huge factor
Speaker 3: in this, especially as we get older and we've got
Speaker 3: we're collecting decades of experience, and we've met a lot
Speaker 3: of people, and there's a lot more demands on us
Speaker 3: than maybe when we were in our late teens early twenties,
Speaker 3: where you kind of could spend every waking minute with
Speaker 3: another person. Now that people have families and they're starting
Speaker 3: to care for adult parents and their own children, it
Speaker 3: can be really hard to even find the time. Even
Speaker 3: if we get past the barrier of oh, I don't
Speaker 3: want to need other people. Even if we're past that,
Speaker 3: then it's like where where do I find the people?
Speaker 3: And then how do I make time for genuine relationships?
Speaker 3: And we will talk about that, although we were not
Speaker 3: going to solve at all, but that can be a
Speaker 3: bit of a problem with simplicity and just the busyness
Speaker 3: that can happen, and maybe a lack of boundaries or
Speaker 3: inability to say no and prioritize. So there's some of
Speaker 3: these other concepts that are going to be really important
Speaker 3: in building, identifying, maintaining community. But before I get too
Speaker 3: far ahead of myself, I do think it's worth identifying
Speaker 3: and recognizing the tapes of community and relationships that do exist,
Speaker 3: because I think this can help us in knowing where
Speaker 3: am I lacking, Which of these categories is overflowing, which
Speaker 3: ones could use some more attention, and recognize that each
Speaker 3: one is good or neutral at least, but to help
Speaker 3: us know what's going on in our personal lives relationally.
Speaker 3: So here's a couple of categories that we could break
Speaker 3: our relationships and community down into. They include chosen and given.
Speaker 3: So we all are kind of familiar with this. If
Speaker 3: anyone has ever been a part of a friend's giving
Speaker 3: a few days before or after Thanksgiving, you understand the
Speaker 3: difference between chosen relationships and given relationships. So this is
Speaker 3: kind of talking about the friends that you select and
Speaker 3: maintain friendship with, and usually the family that is a
Speaker 3: part of your life that just kind of happened to you.
Speaker 3: You didn't get to choose your siblings or maybe even
Speaker 3: lack of siblings, and kind of who that family makeup is.
Speaker 3: So the chosen and given relationships, we've also got old
Speaker 3: and new relationships, the people that we've been friends with
Speaker 3: for as far back as we can remember, and the
Speaker 3: people that we're just meeting now, or are pretty pretty
Speaker 3: little little buds of relationships in our lives. We've also yes,
Speaker 3: the friends that we have that are infants. Yes, yeah,
Speaker 3: I have one of those yes and they that was
Speaker 3: given after a choice made one night. Anyhow, we've got layers.
Speaker 3: These are relationships are layered exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. None
Speaker 3: of these categories are super clean as much as we're
Speaker 3: are slicing and dicing them into these little yeah areas.
Speaker 3: So we've got then situational and more relational types of relationships.
Speaker 3: So situational might include the people that you have relationship
Speaker 3: with they may not even qualify as friendship, but situational
Speaker 3: community because of ships exactly it is. It is actually
Speaker 3: becoming a colloquial term. But this might be the result
Speaker 3: of hobbies you're involved in or kids, school or extracurricular activities,
Speaker 3: versus maybe your more relational relationships that are heart connection,
Speaker 3: mind connection, emotional connection, reciprocity happening within those relationships. Again neutral,
Speaker 3: I think that it's it's good to have some of
Speaker 3: these peripheral relationships people that you are engaging with on
Speaker 3: a regular basis. Not every relationship has to be the
Speaker 3: most deep intimate level of knowing and being known. These
Speaker 3: different categories are all necessary. Another way that we can
Speaker 3: look at the types of community that we have includes
Speaker 3: shared and individual. So sometimes relationships we are only involved
Speaker 3: in as a group or for anyone who has a partner,
Speaker 3: and you've kind of got your couple friends versus your
Speaker 3: individual friends, Like this is the friend I get together
Speaker 3: when it's just me. But if we're getting together as
Speaker 3: a group and it's mixed gendered or mixed ages, or
Speaker 3: we're getting together around a certain activity, then you're going
Speaker 3: to have the there's a group versus there's the individual.
Speaker 3: Then this next category, which I love. And if you're
Speaker 3: ever going to be doing an inventory, make sure that
Speaker 3: you on paper, make sure that you hide this somewhere
Speaker 3: super super secret. But we all do have our life
Speaker 3: giving and depleting relationships. Again, this is neutral. I'm not
Speaker 3: saying we need to get rid of all of the
Speaker 3: relationships that are primarily one sided or feel depleting, but
Speaker 3: we do need to know how many of our relationships
Speaker 3: would fall under this category because it's going to inform
Speaker 3: us on what our next steps for care for ourselves
Speaker 3: relationally is going to be. We also need to have
Speaker 3: life giving relationships at least to the same amount, if
Speaker 3: not more than we have depleting relationships. And again, if
Speaker 3: we're identifying we've got a lot more of the depleting.
Speaker 3: That's going to be an opportunity to inwardly look at
Speaker 3: what is going on for me that that I am cultivating, attracting,
Speaker 3: finding myself in relationships that continue to fall under this category.
Speaker 3: And finally, the last way that we can categorize our
Speaker 3: relationships are are in person or our online relationships. This
Speaker 3: is becoming more and more prevalent with especially through the pandemic,
Speaker 3: where we have found community online. We love it again,
Speaker 3: it's neutral. I do believe that you need to have
Speaker 3: both in person and online community. I don't think that
Speaker 3: at least it can solely be online. You could probably
Speaker 3: do without online community, but you might miss out. There
Speaker 3: are spaces and people that we can find in the
Speaker 3: online space that we might not be able to find
Speaker 3: within a ten mile radius of where we currently live.
Speaker 3: This is particularly important, I think when it comes to
Speaker 3: finding people who might be similarly minded. When it comes
Speaker 3: to finances. I know that over the years, we've heard
Speaker 3: a lot from our listeners who are like, I love
Speaker 3: these ideas and concepts. I can't seem to find anyone
Speaker 3: else who likes to talk about personal finance or can
Speaker 3: share an interest in investing. And I think where we
Speaker 3: find those gaps, that is where we can look to
Speaker 3: the online platforms. I think even the Frugal Friends community
Speaker 3: has become a beautiful place, not a replacement of getting
Speaker 3: together with folks in person, but it can provide a
Speaker 3: very important outlet if we're not finding it in person.
Speaker 3: So those are all the different categories that I think
Speaker 3: it is worth taking inventory of. Who are the relationships
Speaker 3: in your life that you are engaging with on a
Speaker 3: monthly basis, who's comeing in and out? And in what
Speaker 3: categories would you place each of these. I think a
Speaker 3: lot of times in our thirties and beyond, we're probably
Speaker 3: going to find that we are engaging a lot with family,
Speaker 3: whether it's our spouse and kids or siblings and adult parents.
Speaker 3: I think that we kind of see this a little
Speaker 3: bit turn inward when you're kind of going through the
Speaker 3: raising up of your own family, which is all fine
Speaker 3: and natural, but I think in those circumstances it's going
Speaker 3: to be worth saying, well, wait a second, am I
Speaker 3: hanging out with anybody who is chosen life giving where
Speaker 3: there's reciprocity and it's not just family or obligatory or
Speaker 3: depleting relationships. Not saying that they're all one and the same,
Speaker 3: but sometimes they can be. So I think at different
Speaker 3: stages of life, it's worth identifying what is this season,
Speaker 3: Who are the relationships that are part of my life currently,
Speaker 3: what feels really great? Where am I lacking?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think it's important to have all of these relationships.
Speaker 1: Look at it as like through the eighty twenty rule
Speaker 1: lens right, So like twenty percent of our efforts result
Speaker 1: in eighty percent of our results, and it's the same
Speaker 1: with our relationships. So twenty percent of our relationships are
Speaker 1: going to make eighty percent of the impact of our
Speaker 1: at least financially in our lives. And then we're specifically
Speaker 1: looking financially, right, but it's it's entire life, right. But
Speaker 1: the eighty there's another thing to be said for the
Speaker 1: eighty percent. So there's a like an evolution of the
Speaker 1: eighty twenty rule that says the it's the vital few
Speaker 1: and the useful many. We focus on the vital few,
Speaker 1: for sure. We want to make sure those are invested
Speaker 1: in it and taken care of. That's our family, our
Speaker 1: closest friends, the people we spend the most time with,
Speaker 1: but we do not ignore the useful many that's our
Speaker 1: online relationships and our other friends that we don't see.
Speaker 1: Is often I think we really discount online relationships as
Speaker 1: being shallow, but they don't have to be. Some of
Speaker 1: my best friends I met that I met in person first,
Speaker 1: but our relationship is ninety I would say ninety five
Speaker 1: percent online and we see each other twice a year. Right,
Speaker 1: But there's still some of my closest friends, but our
Speaker 1: relationship is mostly online, and that's great. As women who
Speaker 1: are raising families, it is hard to get schedules that
Speaker 1: are cohesive, right, So when we chat online or we
Speaker 1: have a zoom meeting, it's at a time that works
Speaker 1: for us. And maybe it's just messages and you know,
Speaker 1: the next person sees it in an hour or two
Speaker 1: hours in response, and it's this flow that works for us.
Speaker 1: It honors the season that we're in a lot of
Speaker 1: us are in in our thirties without sacrificing it doesn't
Speaker 1: make an excuse that, oh I'm busy, I'm building my career,
Speaker 1: I'm raising young children, I'm newly married. It doesn't let
Speaker 1: those facts be an excuse. It lets the facts be
Speaker 1: the season, and we honor we honor that season. But
Speaker 1: in the meantime, we're still pursuing the useful many. So
Speaker 1: we're still pursuing new relationships. We're investing in those situationships
Speaker 1: Like just like my son in school, I want to
Speaker 1: build relationships with these other parents, not just so my
Speaker 1: kid can have a ride if I'm not able to,
Speaker 1: but also so I can give that ride, and so
Speaker 1: you know, maybe there are play dates over the summer.
Speaker 1: There are a lot of reasons that I don't necessarily
Speaker 1: need to like be on a you know, a deep
Speaker 1: relationship with these people, but I do want to get
Speaker 1: to know them to an extent. So it's good to
Speaker 1: have all of these and we do it in the
Speaker 1: right race. When we do it in the right ratio,
Speaker 1: then we can be most efficient with our time and
Speaker 1: it helped it can be most beneficial to our finances.
Speaker 3: So I think it's worth also chatting about how to
Speaker 3: find that community and relationships. If we've done that inventory
Speaker 3: of who do I have in my life, where do
Speaker 3: I feel like I'm lacking what what can be done
Speaker 3: to build and cultivate the types of community relationships that
Speaker 3: I want to be having, and also potentially identifying when
Speaker 3: to let go of some of the community or relationships
Speaker 3: that are not necessary anymore. Not again, I'm we're not
Speaker 3: advocating for actively just dropping people, but I think we
Speaker 3: can all see that there are cycles to relationships, and
Speaker 3: there are seasons for certain types of relationships, and that
Speaker 3: not every person that we've ever previously gotten together with
Speaker 3: on a regular basis needs to remain the person that
Speaker 3: or people that you're getting together with on a regular basis.
Speaker 3: Things shift, people change, seasons come and go, and sometimes
Speaker 3: friendships and relationships come back around. But I think it's
Speaker 3: okay to hold some of these things with an open
Speaker 3: hand while also identifying what else can be woven into
Speaker 3: my life that is going to be helpful, useful, beneficial Relationally. So,
Speaker 3: when it comes to the chosen community, the types of
Speaker 3: relationships and people that we want to be a part
Speaker 3: of that we are selecting and curating for ourselves, I
Speaker 3: think part of that is going to start with identifying
Speaker 3: the type of friend that we are and or want
Speaker 3: to be. It's very possible that we currently are not
Speaker 3: the type of friend that we would want to describe
Speaker 3: ourselves as, and it may take work to become the
Speaker 3: friend that you want to be. And I think that too,
Speaker 3: this is something people in our age bracket are facing,
Speaker 3: and I'm sure it's faced in every generation, but kind
Speaker 3: of a re looking at who, how am I showing
Speaker 3: up pin relationships? How are people experiencing me? What do
Speaker 3: I want to see improved here? And what am I
Speaker 3: bringing to the table. I think these are really valuable
Speaker 3: questions to be asking ourselves so that we then can
Speaker 3: be that person for others and set the stage and
Speaker 3: attract those who are going to also treat us similarly,
Speaker 3: and how we want to receive friendship and be related
Speaker 3: to so that inward luck we're always going to start
Speaker 3: with ourselves first and understanding who we are and working
Speaker 3: towards the best version of ourselves. Is going to be
Speaker 3: critical and being able to have and maintain the types
Speaker 3: of friendships that you want. You are also going to
Speaker 3: have to be the friend that you want in return
Speaker 3: and that you want to be. I think next we
Speaker 3: can identify the community that we already have. That's that
Speaker 3: inventory that we already talked about, and consider how that community,
Speaker 3: those relationships make you feel. I would go so far
Speaker 3: as to say that this could include journal prompts throughout
Speaker 3: a month or two, where after we hang out with
Speaker 3: a group or an individual, be able to take a
Speaker 3: pulse on how am I feeling after that encounter, after
Speaker 3: that hang out, that activity that we did together. Where
Speaker 3: are my thoughts at, What are some of the things
Speaker 3: that are going through my mind? How do my emotions
Speaker 3: feel even what's my body feeling like? Am I feeling tense?
Speaker 3: Am I feeling relaxed? Is my heart rate at ease?
Speaker 3: Is it going super fast? All of these kind of
Speaker 3: check ins with ourselves can help us to identify maybe
Speaker 3: things that we wouldn't have totally noticed before, but will
Speaker 3: help us identify am I in the right type of
Speaker 3: community with my discretionary time that I'm spending apart from
Speaker 3: maybe my more obligatory relationships. Are these relationships actually helpful
Speaker 3: for me? What was the content of the conversation, What
Speaker 3: types of activities do we do together? How does it
Speaker 3: impact This is where we can also be looking at
Speaker 3: how does it impact my money? How do I spend
Speaker 3: when I'm with these people? Or not spend. What are
Speaker 3: the types of things that we enjoy doing together? Jen,
Speaker 3: I love your story that's connected to this. At a
Speaker 3: time when you were doing your inventory of community in
Speaker 3: a way and realizing how what people wanted to do,
Speaker 3: whether it was about relationship or it was about the activity.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean it was not shocking, but it was
Speaker 1: eye opening when you know you're in your early twenties
Speaker 1: and it's all about being with people doing things and
Speaker 1: I was caught up in that and that's great, But
Speaker 1: I had to identify what was my greater desire. Was
Speaker 1: it the things that I was doing or the people
Speaker 1: I was with to build relationships? And was I getting
Speaker 1: what I really wanted from the activities that I was doing?
Speaker 1: And that's where I thought I was spending in alignment
Speaker 1: with my values, going out to brunch and going out
Speaker 1: to dinner with these people because community was so important
Speaker 1: to me. But realized that I was paying money to
Speaker 1: get a value that I didn't actually need to be
Speaker 1: paying for it. It was a value that money can't
Speaker 1: buy and there were a million other ways to achieve
Speaker 1: that value without paying money. And once that clicked for me,
Speaker 1: then I was able to build the community that I
Speaker 1: truly wanted and saw that some people actually did want
Speaker 1: to go to the restaurants. That's what they really they
Speaker 1: really wanted. They were finding community in different ways, but
Speaker 1: they were going to the museums, to the nightclubs, to
Speaker 1: the you know, bars, and and those are the activities
Speaker 1: they really wanted to do at that season in their lives.
Speaker 1: And that's where things just started to diverge.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and I think sometimes too groups groups in and
Speaker 3: of themselves are a bit of a living organism. If
Speaker 3: we've got a group of friends, it is possible that
Speaker 3: that group of friends morphs and shifts over the years.
Speaker 3: And it's not until we do this inventory and we
Speaker 3: take a pulse of how it's impacting us that we
Speaker 3: realize this group might have been life giving to me
Speaker 3: five years ago, but now, with the things that are
Speaker 3: going on in different people's lives, it's kind of just
Speaker 3: become a gossip group or everything that they want to
Speaker 3: talk about is super negative. And again I'm not saying
Speaker 3: just immediately drop them, but it's worth identifying that sometimes
Speaker 3: the community groups friendships that used to serve us and
Speaker 3: we served back can shift and take on a new
Speaker 3: type of culture. Where we might want to identify. Can
Speaker 3: we interrupt this cycle or do I maybe need to
Speaker 3: remove myself because I don't like what it's producing inside
Speaker 3: of me? Or I don't like the way that it's
Speaker 3: impacting my money, my other relationships, my thought life, you
Speaker 3: name it. So in this process too, I think we
Speaker 3: can also be identifying what it is that we feel
Speaker 3: like we might be lack. Where are there gaps that
Speaker 3: could be filled in for us relationally? What do we
Speaker 3: want more of? What are we experiencing in relationship that
Speaker 3: we really like and we could do well to increase
Speaker 3: that type of relationship? What do you want to give?
Speaker 3: I know sometimes there's been experiences for me where I
Speaker 3: feel as though there's aspects of my personhood that don't
Speaker 3: have an outlet. And it's not because any of my
Speaker 3: friends are doing anything wrong. It's just that, even if
Speaker 3: it's some sort of hobby like I just want to
Speaker 3: connect with other people who also are familiar with this
Speaker 3: space or want to talk about X y Z. There
Speaker 3: are things that we may have inside of us that
Speaker 3: we want to give, we want an outlet for, and
Speaker 3: so that can be another factor in identifying what community
Speaker 3: is needed. Where are you know, maybe there's outlets you
Speaker 3: feel like you are lacking in. One of the things
Speaker 3: for Eric and I recently is realizing that we don't
Speaker 3: get out of the house much. We both work remotely,
Speaker 3: and we just got trained in a habit and routine
Speaker 3: and rhythm of being at home, especially through renovations, is
Speaker 3: you wrap up work and you start with the labor
Speaker 3: intensive work on the house, and so there isn't always
Speaker 3: a ton of reason to be out and about. I
Speaker 3: got a lot better at meal planning. But what we're
Speaker 3: realizing is we're feeling more isolated. We're not having even
Speaker 3: opportunities to meet people, and so we are looking for
Speaker 3: things that could both be a hobby but also opportunity
Speaker 3: to meet new people. So we recently bought a pass
Speaker 3: to the local rock gym so that we can get
Speaker 3: out of the house, do something fun, and meet meet
Speaker 3: more people. So it's kind of hitting multiple things at
Speaker 3: once that is beneficial to us on a lot of
Speaker 3: different levels. But it's things like this that we can
Speaker 3: consider incorporating in for the purpose of relationship and other
Speaker 3: benefits to our personhood.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's the gym where you just pick up heavy
Speaker 1: rocks and throw them right.
Speaker 3: Oh, exactly, roll them, I throw them, jump the runs.
Speaker 1: Yeah, those are really quality people. I think you'll build
Speaker 1: some good ones there. But so in all honesty, like
Speaker 1: the getting to know people part is the is the
Speaker 1: real issue. Right When you identify your part, you know
Speaker 1: your capabilities in relationships, when you identify who are you
Speaker 1: in relationship now? And what do you need? Like, that's
Speaker 1: where the rubber meets the road. And how do we
Speaker 1: with the limited time that we have, cultivate relationships that
Speaker 1: are going to be beneficial for our finances. This isn't
Speaker 1: why we cultivate relationships. We cultivate them because we need them.
Speaker 1: But if you have a financial goal, it's something that
Speaker 1: you should be thinking about, whether that's paying off debt
Speaker 1: or buying a house or whatever. You should have your
Speaker 1: finances at least be a consideration when you're building relationships.
Speaker 1: And so I think for coming from an introvert, I
Speaker 1: think the best ways that I have found for building
Speaker 1: new relationships are in groups. So for me that I
Speaker 1: am such an introvert, like, I do not pursue parents like.
Speaker 1: So one of my problems is I need to find
Speaker 1: more mom friends. Right because a good majority of my
Speaker 1: friends do not have children, and so I have been
Speaker 1: so reluctant to like build new relationships with other moms
Speaker 1: because I just don't think to talk about, like talk
Speaker 1: to moms at the park.
Speaker 4: Right.
Speaker 1: Travis always leaves the park with some dad's number, and
Speaker 1: I put my headphones on and listen to podcasts if
Speaker 1: I have to go to the park, So like I
Speaker 1: do really poorly if I'm on my own, so I
Speaker 1: rely on my partner, Travis, who is really good at
Speaker 1: talking to people. If you do not have a Travis,
Speaker 1: then groups, group settings, but smaller group. So if you
Speaker 1: are a person of faith having like Bible studies and
Speaker 1: house churches, that's more important in my opinion than even
Speaker 1: like going to church on Sunday. If you are somebody
Speaker 1: who maybe wants to try something that you are moving,
Speaker 1: but you are not very athletic. I know my friend,
Speaker 1: our friend Lisa, she was very avid in the shuffle
Speaker 1: board courts here and not everybody has shuffle board courts.
Speaker 1: But she since moved to Virginia and now she's like
Speaker 1: super into the sport on the ice where you're like,
Speaker 1: what is that on the stick? Like shuffleboard on ice,
Speaker 1: So like finding silly sports right like that, they're not silly.
Speaker 3: Oh my gosh, I could it's the Olympics are gonna
Speaker 3: come after you.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I know there's we're never getting sponsored by the Olympics.
Speaker 1: So so finding stuff groups like that, teams like that,
Speaker 1: and finding hobbies. Uh so for me, the rock climbing
Speaker 1: thing would still be a little like individual I would
Speaker 1: have a hard time, but book clubs and yeah, so
Speaker 1: like looking at I would say there are a lot
Speaker 1: of local Instagrams that will have groups on them. I
Speaker 1: think those are getting more popular than even Facebook groups.
Speaker 1: But there are still Facebook groups. I just I think
Speaker 1: they're becoming more obsolete, and so looking at local for me,
Speaker 1: I'm looking at mom groups that have weekly small play times,
Speaker 1: like at different parks, you know, so it's like, hey,
Speaker 1: we're all getting together and we're meeting at this park
Speaker 1: at this time. Come if you can that sort of
Speaker 1: thing where it's not rigid, you know, every week, we're
Speaker 1: doing this at this time. But that could be helpful too.
Speaker 1: So I would say I like small group things the
Speaker 1: most because then you can kind of get in there,
Speaker 1: suss out who's there, and sit next to somebody and
Speaker 1: be like, hey, you're here. And I'm here, what's up
Speaker 1: sort of thing's less awkward than just approaching a stranger
Speaker 1: who may not be there to meet people and saying that,
Speaker 1: so that's my It is not of total solution. I'm
Speaker 1: sorry if you came here thinking like we were going
Speaker 1: to solve the issue of making relationships in your thirties.
Speaker 1: Another thing I like about these book club and playgroup
Speaker 1: kind of things that they're free and so you're there
Speaker 1: with other people who are looking to do free things
Speaker 1: with their child or free things with their time, versus
Speaker 1: going to I'm going to throw you under the best Jill,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, going to the rock climbing club that costs
Speaker 1: a lot of money, where people are maybe just there
Speaker 1: for fitness and not friends. But the rock climbing people
Speaker 1: are very chill and they they're all best friends. So
Speaker 1: you don't have you don't have a problem. But it's
Speaker 1: the only idea that I can come up with my head.
Speaker 3: That's fine. Sorry, Yeah, But I mean I think any
Speaker 3: type of gym, I think that that can be a
Speaker 3: built in thing if you're choosing to go to the gym,
Speaker 3: and especially ones that are little bit more active or
Speaker 3: partner centered, can be a fun way. But again to
Speaker 3: your point, Gen, it doesn't have to cost money, it's
Speaker 3: just more of that. Where are you lacking and even personally,
Speaker 3: is there a way that what you're looking for mentally,
Speaker 3: emotionally and physically can also meet an emotional or a
Speaker 3: relational need as well. This conversation definitely makes me think
Speaker 3: of the podcast interview we did with Laura ol Dainy
Speaker 3: about the multiple forms of capital. We loved that conversation.
Speaker 1: Where replaying it We have replayed it, yes, yeah, so
Speaker 1: go back into the not too distant archive for that one.
Speaker 3: But this is where we can recognize that there is
Speaker 3: a wealth opportunity in relational capital almost as much as,
Speaker 3: or if not more so than financial capital. That yes
Speaker 3: we do need money, yes we need physical resources, and
Speaker 3: yes we need relational capital. We need community friendships, but
Speaker 3: also building relationships with our actual literal neighbors. How's that
Speaker 3: for a concept? I think we really lost a lot
Speaker 3: of that. Like what you were mentioning Jen earlier, it
Speaker 3: does seem very foreign to ask for a couple of
Speaker 3: eggs from your neighbor. But if we do live in
Speaker 3: neighborhoods where we can be engaging and aware of one
Speaker 3: another's needs. There are so many ways that there can
Speaker 3: be reciprocity given in a very neighborly way. Doesn't mean
Speaker 3: that you have to have each other over daily for
Speaker 3: our long conversations, but having some of this relational capital
Speaker 3: is a form of wealth. And identifying the type of
Speaker 3: relationships that you need that you can give where those
Speaker 3: outlets are can be so crucial. And then again as
Speaker 3: it intersects with finances, I think that what we choose
Speaker 3: to do together has a big impact on this. And
Speaker 3: so I think too for the relationships. You know, you
Speaker 3: talk jen about how to find the relationships that you need,
Speaker 3: which is phenomenal. And I think there's another side, or
Speaker 3: a facet to this of what to do about the
Speaker 3: relationships that we already have, rather than needing to reinvent
Speaker 3: the wheel, if there are things that can be tweaked
Speaker 3: in those relationships or those groups. Sometimes all it takes
Speaker 3: is one person to suggest a different way of relating
Speaker 3: or a new activity for everybody to be like, oh,
Speaker 3: that'd be great. I have found this to be so
Speaker 3: true time and time again for the relationships that I have.
Speaker 3: We all might be feeling like I really don't want
Speaker 3: to go spend twenty five bucks to go out for
Speaker 3: drinks on and tip. But I do want to get together,
Speaker 3: but nobody wants to say anything because it was the
Speaker 3: first idea that was thrown out there. So it's just
Speaker 3: what you end up doing until we can realize, Oh,
Speaker 3: I could say something. I could speak my needs. I
Speaker 3: can set an expectation. I can say what works for
Speaker 3: me and what doesn't work for me. I can offer suggestions.
Speaker 3: I can be the one to make the plans or
Speaker 3: invite people over, or say let's start a book club together,
Speaker 3: or let's have a little bit more purpose in our
Speaker 3: time when we're together. Let's have some more in depth conversation.
Speaker 3: And here's some questions I want to ask to get
Speaker 3: to know you a little bit better. We can be
Speaker 3: some of the change that we want to see with
Speaker 3: the friends that we already have, as we seek to
Speaker 3: understand the ways that we influence other people and become
Speaker 3: better influencers of the people who are in community as
Speaker 3: they also influence and s.
Speaker 1: Us Yeah, well said, I mean that. It's I think again.
Speaker 1: Relationships are not about money, right, but as something that
Speaker 1: we all desperately need, we should at least speak our
Speaker 1: need and what happens when people don't respond when they say, actually,
Speaker 1: I do act we all really want to go out
Speaker 1: for drinks. I think that's the harder boundary to impose
Speaker 1: and be like, ugh, I can't swing it this time, guys,
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry. And it doesn't have to be a
Speaker 1: no forever. It can be a no, you know, one time,
Speaker 1: or it can be a thing where it's like, you
Speaker 1: know what, I really want to spend time with these
Speaker 1: people and they really want to go spend money. So
Speaker 1: this one time, I'm going to do it. But then
Speaker 1: I'm going to work on going to these different events
Speaker 1: and joining these different social clubs and looking for people
Speaker 1: who are looking to build community in the same way
Speaker 1: I'm looking to build community who are more interested in
Speaker 1: the people than the actual activity. Like how many people
Speaker 1: in book club actually read the whole book? You know,
Speaker 1: it's not That's not what they're there for. Honestly, they're
Speaker 1: there to drink wine with each other, you know, like
Speaker 1: once a month or every other month or something. Uh,
Speaker 1: it's not the practice that we crave. It's the community.
Speaker 1: It's the people. So finding that for yourself, that's going
Speaker 1: to be your own mission. That's a that's a mission
Speaker 1: we got to send you on, and you got to
Speaker 1: come back to us telling us what you found, because
Speaker 1: we we are I want to say, like, we're the
Speaker 1: queens and we're sending you to the new world, and
Speaker 1: you have to report back and be like, these are
Speaker 1: the friends I found and this is how I found that,
Speaker 1: and tell the people that you can do it this way, yeah,
Speaker 1: because we're all on this journey and.
Speaker 3: We can allow some of those relationships to eclipse others
Speaker 3: if we are finding that this is where I am
Speaker 3: experiencing my truest expression of my relational self and this
Speaker 3: one is very life giving to me. It doesn't mean
Speaker 3: that we have to hold on to every other single
Speaker 3: relationship that we've had, or that the relationship always needs
Speaker 3: to look to the same level of intimacy that it
Speaker 3: previously had. People can move from close friends to friends,
Speaker 3: and people can move from acquaintances to close friends, and
Speaker 3: we can morph and shift because we are dynamic people.
Speaker 1: And not every relationship you want to pursue more deeply,
Speaker 1: they will be ready to or want to pursue more deeply.
Speaker 1: So it's just like a trial and error thing until
Speaker 1: you find and your your next people, your future people.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and it's going to change throughout life. What it's
Speaker 3: gonna constantly morphine change. And that's okay, and so can
Speaker 3: our decisions and our finances and our values. There is
Speaker 3: freedom and flexibility here.
Speaker 1: But you know what will never change as long here,
Speaker 1: it will always be important. And wanting to go deep
Speaker 1: with you.
Speaker 3: The bill of the week.
Speaker 2: That's right, it's time for the best minute of your
Speaker 2: entire week. Maybe a baby was born and his name
Speaker 2: is Williams. Maybe you paid off your mortgage. Maybe your
Speaker 2: car died and you're happy to not have to pay
Speaker 2: that bill anymore. That's bills, Buffalo bills bill.
Speaker 3: This is the bill of the week at Jenna Jail.
Speaker 5: I am submitting my second bill of the week. The
Speaker 5: first one was about the surprise vacation that we accidentally
Speaker 5: purchased on the Gala, And today I wanted to tell
Speaker 5: you that my four year old daughter had a fan
Speaker 5: in her room and a screw fell out and.
Speaker 1: She accidentally swallowed a screw.
Speaker 5: So we had to go to the emergency room, where
Speaker 5: she told everyone she swallowed a screw. She then when
Speaker 5: the nurse asked her why she did it, she looked
Speaker 5: at the nurse like that was the dumbest question.
Speaker 1: She ever heard, and said because it was in my mouth.
Speaker 5: Then she argued with a radiologist because she said when
Speaker 5: we looked at the x ray that that wasn't the
Speaker 5: screw because the screw was blacked. She was then annoyed
Speaker 5: it was taking so long, and we left about one am.
Speaker 5: So we are just killing it over here, and I
Speaker 5: have no idea what that bill is going to look like.
Speaker 6: Okay, bye, I have a four year old, and so
Speaker 6: every vivid detail is laying out in my mind, just
Speaker 6: her face.
Speaker 1: Like with the nurse, and it's like, that's not it.
Speaker 1: It's black. I am, I am deceased.
Speaker 3: This is amazing. I'm not totally sure where what the
Speaker 3: bill is.
Speaker 1: Maybe she doesn't know what she doesn't know how much
Speaker 1: the bill for this whole Yeah, it's a bill of unknown.
Speaker 1: It's a mystery bill. But oh wow, what a what
Speaker 1: a great cost for the entertainment. Right that you can
Speaker 1: look back on it now, I'm sure at one a
Speaker 1: m it wasn't fun.
Speaker 3: I'm so glad you called us me too, and I'm
Speaker 3: so glad that your four year old did tell you amen.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, I'm sure she was bragging about it,
Speaker 1: like I ate a screw.
Speaker 3: I'm going to become a magician. Now, look at me.
Speaker 3: I can handle all in my mouth. That's amazing. You've
Speaker 3: got you've got bills on bills over there with some
Speaker 3: just wild life experience.
Speaker 1: I love your life and I need to love it.
Speaker 3: And I love that you're a part of this community
Speaker 3: speaking of relationships and community. That you're the one. You
Speaker 3: better stick around. You got this story so.
Speaker 1: Passionate about online relationships, and this is pretty one sided.
Speaker 1: I mean, you're sharing all of your life with us
Speaker 1: and we are just laughing at it.
Speaker 3: I'm here for it. If you all are listening and
Speaker 3: you're also here for it. You've got toddlers swallowing tools.
Speaker 3: That's amazing. If your name.
Speaker 1: Is Bill, really amazing.
Speaker 3: If you're a magician, if you have surprised bills, unsurprised bills,
Speaker 3: it doesn't matter as long as it's semi bill related.
Speaker 3: Visit Frugal Friends podcast dot com slash Bill. We're waiting
Speaker 3: for it, and now it's time for around.
Speaker 1: All right, today's lightning round that Jill just wrote thirty
Speaker 1: seconds ago, and is did you just write it thirty
Speaker 1: seconds ago. Maybe I just.
Speaker 3: Scrolled, isn't it.
Speaker 1: Oh Goldie wrote it. I just scrolled down thirty seconds ago,
Speaker 1: so I couldn't see it until just now. That's what
Speaker 1: it was.
Speaker 3: Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: Okay, I'm still I'm still so about the I'm just
Speaker 1: the whole.
Speaker 3: Four year old you feel seen?
Speaker 1: Oh I feel well? I mean, I see, I see
Speaker 1: is the thing? Okay lightning around? Most important lesson you
Speaker 1: learned about relationships and finances when you entered your thirties,
Speaker 1: I mean, I think my most important lesson I have
Speaker 1: shared multiple times is that not everybody is in this
Speaker 1: in the place that you are when you're in it
Speaker 1: is it's okay for people I know. So I'm gonna
Speaker 1: throw Travis under the bus a bit, but he all,
Speaker 1: I mean, he judges people for their purchases all the time,
Speaker 1: and and it almost angers him that people would be
Speaker 1: so blatant. He had a coworker that they they have
Speaker 1: every day he would come in and has bought something
Speaker 1: of an exorbitant amount that is just not like, not
Speaker 1: necessary to functioning. But it's not our money, and it's
Speaker 1: not They're not the same, they don't have the same goals.
Speaker 1: They don't have the same experiences traumas drivers that have
Speaker 1: led us to choose the choices that we are making.
Speaker 1: And maybe one day they will be there, but they
Speaker 1: are not there yet, and the only thing that we
Speaker 1: can do is just say, like, you know, yeah, that's cool, bro,
Speaker 1: and then continue to like do what we're doing. And
Speaker 1: so I think that's the biggest lesson is that you
Speaker 1: can't get mad at people that you want to be
Speaker 1: friends with. You can't get mad at them for not
Speaker 1: wanting to do the same things you want to do,
Speaker 1: which is, you know, probably not spend money or spend
Speaker 1: time working on a side business that makes you money,
Speaker 1: Like that's not everybody's path. And once you let go
Speaker 1: of that resentment or bitterness or even jealousy it can
Speaker 1: pop up as jealousy as well, you are a lot
Speaker 1: freer to choose relationships with people who do share the
Speaker 1: same values.
Speaker 3: Yeah, recognizing there is space for everyone at different seasons
Speaker 3: and making different choices. Someone else's choices don't have to
Speaker 3: be an affront or an offense to you, and it
Speaker 3: experience life apart from that and still be in relationship.
Speaker 1: If we choose right, we can still be in relationship
Speaker 1: with these people to the extent that doesn't continue to
Speaker 1: harbor bitterness or resentment.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think an important thing A thing I'll add
Speaker 3: to that this may not be your realization in it
Speaker 3: or your point in it, but I think also recognizing
Speaker 3: that our perspective is just that, like, we're not always
Speaker 3: exactly right in how we are viewing someone else's circumstances
Speaker 3: or sometimes even our own. Like it's possible that how
Speaker 3: we're feeling about someone else's situation is more so an
Speaker 3: issue with us in our perspective, or it's just how
Speaker 3: we think, but it's not meaning that we're exactly right
Speaker 3: on it, which that's a hard one to reconcile, but
Speaker 3: it can be helpful to know that, yeah, just because
Speaker 3: this is how I think, doesn't mean that that's actually
Speaker 3: accurate or going to be most beneficial for them to
Speaker 3: live life the exact same way I am. Anyways, For me,
Speaker 3: I would say being more direct with what I will
Speaker 3: and won't do has been helpful financially. I think I
Speaker 3: previously found myself in situations where I felt a little
Speaker 3: bit more like the victim it's a strong word, but
Speaker 3: where these things would kind of happen to me, I
Speaker 3: wouldn't have chose them otherwise, but because it's what everybody
Speaker 3: else is choosing right now, and I feel like I
Speaker 3: can't say anything. I spent money unnecessarily or unwisely, or
Speaker 3: on things that I didn't actually care for or value,
Speaker 3: simply out of wanting to maintain relationships, like it kind
Speaker 3: of went so far that direction, and I think as
Speaker 3: I've entered into my thirties, not that I've arrived, I
Speaker 3: think that there's still more work for me to do
Speaker 3: in this. But I've gotten better at just being vocal
Speaker 3: about what is reasonable for me as it relates to
Speaker 3: what I can and can't do with my money, how
Speaker 3: that's going to impact the activities I do and don't
Speaker 3: take part in, and setting those expectations early on, especially
Speaker 3: when it comes to group trips, letting people know ahead
Speaker 3: of time, here's what I'm willing to spend, here's what
Speaker 3: would be too far and outside of my budget for this,
Speaker 3: and so if it is going to be beyond this,
Speaker 3: then I'm just going to say I'm out, or even
Speaker 3: when people come to visit. I've gotten a lot better
Speaker 3: at saying to people ahead of time, hey, we're going
Speaker 3: to split gas we're going to split parking, We're going
Speaker 3: to do this and that, and Okay, up to you
Speaker 3: with what decisions you're going to make, rather than after
Speaker 3: the fact, when it can feel a little bit more
Speaker 3: slimy to bring something up or say something. So setting expectations,
Speaker 3: being direct ahead of time has been so so helpful.
Speaker 1: Yes, I love the setting expectations ahead of time. It's clearer,
Speaker 1: it's kinder, it is better all around, and it feels
Speaker 1: much better to do before any money has been spent
Speaker 1: than after. So I hope you have enjoyed this episode
Speaker 1: and have taken some tips that can help you be
Speaker 1: have more frugal friends essentially, and we love reading a review,
Speaker 1: so if this has helped you in any way, we
Speaker 1: would love and appreciate so much a review on Spotify
Speaker 1: or Apple like this one from Jewels sixty six. Fun
Speaker 1: Quirky Banter Frugal Living. Jen and Jill's funny quirky banter
Speaker 1: about their frugal living is so enjoyable to listen to.
Speaker 1: They also give actionable advice on how to live a
Speaker 1: frugal life and have had their own debt free journeys,
Speaker 1: so you know their practical advice is worth listening to.
Speaker 1: Thanks for the laughs on my morning drive to work.
Speaker 3: Ladies. Oh that's so kind, Jules. It sounds like you
Speaker 3: really get us. Sate that nice review. If you also
Speaker 3: are enjoying the show and haven't left us a rating
Speaker 3: or review yet, please take a minute to do that.
Speaker 3: That is one of the kindest gifts you can give
Speaker 3: to us and other people who might be looking for
Speaker 3: their people, their online community, their podcasts, to be listening to,
Speaker 3: to be sharing with other friends. So it does help
Speaker 3: us find more friends, more community. We just appreciate it.
Speaker 1: See you next time. Google Friends is produced by Eric Siriani. Jill,
Speaker 1: I'd like to expound on tips by Jen Making Friends Edition.
Speaker 3: Okay, what else do you want to say?
Speaker 1: A step by step guy, I love a step by
Speaker 1: step guide. Step by step guide to making friends by Jen.
Speaker 1: Step one marry an extrovert who finds all of his
Speaker 1: friends that have wives, and you just befriend their wives.
Speaker 3: Okay, that sounds like multiple steps, but okay.
Speaker 4: Okay, that is now possible marriage that follms meeting Okay, okay, okay,
Speaker 4: this is to choose your own adventure. Step one B
Speaker 4: would be find a social group.
Speaker 1: Step two is identify the mom in the group. This
Speaker 1: is four mothers. So but identify the person in the
Speaker 1: group that looks most likely to be your best friend
Speaker 1: in the group. Not in life, but in the group.
Speaker 1: So identify friend future friend. Step three, sit next to
Speaker 1: future friend casually, like you didn't identify her explicitly, just
Speaker 1: sit down like it was the only seat available or
Speaker 1: just a random seat. Step four breathe on her, see Jill. No,
Speaker 1: that's why the tips are not by Jill. See no,
Speaker 1: you don't do that. You just make sorry.
Speaker 3: Sorry, I'll talk so confused. Yeah, I know.
Speaker 1: Well I'm trying to help you. Okay, you are a
Speaker 1: few months younger than me, but I feel like.
Speaker 3: I also don't have children. I'm not on the prowl
Speaker 3: for moms right now.
Speaker 1: Okay, Well, this can be anybody, and this is just
Speaker 1: an actual experience that I've had. I'm distilling into steps.
Speaker 1: Where are we? Step five.
Speaker 3: Four us don't small talk.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Step four is make small talk. Do not breathe
Speaker 1: directly on them, and examples of small talk include things
Speaker 1: that are directly in front of you, like a teacher
Speaker 1: of a class or a leader of a group. Positive
Speaker 1: comments not negative. We don't want to start the friendship
Speaker 1: on the basis of negativity. That includes, do not make
Speaker 1: fun of somebody else's kid because you don't know if
Speaker 1: it's also their kid.
Speaker 3: Okay, wait, are we Berenstein bearsing it? Are you saying
Speaker 3: this because it's what you did do?
Speaker 1: No? No, I didn't. I'm just I'm including common caveats
Speaker 1: that could be issues. And then okay, so step four
Speaker 1: small talk. We've covered small talk. Step five is identify
Speaker 1: their name or their child's name, because if it's a mom,
Speaker 1: you're definitely going to refer to them for a while
Speaker 1: as so and so's mom, so you don't really need
Speaker 1: to know.
Speaker 3: Their first name doesn't matter.
Speaker 1: But if you're not a parent, then introduce yourself and
Speaker 1: find out that person's name and say it out loud.
Speaker 3: When then over and over again in your head.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, and then get that. Then step six is
Speaker 1: to get the person's number because you're going to text
Speaker 1: them a recipe. I guess Step six would be talk
Speaker 1: about a food. Step seven would be to get their
Speaker 1: numbers so you can text them a recipe and then
Speaker 1: you have their number for further communication. But also don't
Speaker 1: forget after you send a recipe. Also, when you're just
Speaker 1: getting their number and be like, this is my number
Speaker 1: and putting it in your phone, send your like, send
Speaker 1: them a gift, not a gift with a T, but
Speaker 1: a gift so they know that you have are funny.
Speaker 1: Then any send them the recipe. Yeah, and then now
Speaker 1: you are friends. Oh, now you're friends because you've shared recipe,
Speaker 1: you've shared gifts, you've shared common small talk on things
Speaker 1: that are around you that's unique to just you. So
Speaker 1: now you could even have an inside joke. And now
Speaker 1: you're friends.
Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, you got numbers, you've had exchanges. Okay,
Speaker 3: do you have a follow up question? Okay, yes, back
Speaker 3: to step two at the identification stage. What are you
Speaker 3: looking for when this is friends by Jen? How what
Speaker 3: are you identifying? And I'm sure it's got to be
Speaker 3: some degree of physical appearance. Maybe it may be what
Speaker 3: you're hearing first.
Speaker 1: Similar age Okay, so I look for similar age group,
Speaker 1: if it's a parent, a similar child age group. I'm
Speaker 1: not so good at the mom friending yet. But and
Speaker 1: then and then just good vibes. It's just the vibes
Speaker 1: gotta be on.
Speaker 3: I I'm uncertain, I'm more confused.
Speaker 1: I don't know how I can explain it to you
Speaker 1: any more clearly, David.
Speaker 3: I just put the fall of vibes in the cheese.
Speaker 3: To be on, the ViBe's gotta be there. I'm usually
Speaker 3: looking for the most disheveled person. That's my thing, all right.
Speaker 1: You really need a masterclass in this, Jill. You really
Speaker 1: gotta get it together.