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Speaker 1: Alright, I got shows coming up people, and I really

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Speaker 1: want to see you there. So let me give you

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Speaker 1: some specifics so you can get tickets and make plans.

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Speaker 1: October fourteenth to October sixteenth, they'll be in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

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Speaker 1: at the Improv and then on November five I'll be

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Speaker 1: in Ben Salem, Pennsylvania Parks Casino. More shows are always

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Speaker 1: being added, so just keep checking Russell Peters dot com

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Speaker 1: for updates. Now, please enjoy this show. Didn't your father

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Speaker 1: write Charlie's Angels? Yeah? Then light the fucking cigar figure.

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Speaker 1: Best part were your parents were super rich? They must

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Speaker 1: have been too, if you had that kind of TV money,

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Speaker 1: I don't know. Well, you know you're gonna have the

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Speaker 1: That's how it is. Just it's sorry. You just start

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Speaker 1: talking learn about it and you're not getting paid either.

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Speaker 1: Because your father is rich. Well he's dead now, so

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Speaker 1: thanks for that. Well thanks for that memory, so is mine.

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Speaker 1: All right, Well let's go visit them together and smoke him.

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Speaker 1: Was Hollywood was old school Hollywood. So my father came

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Speaker 1: from the Golden Arab Hollywood and wrote all the James

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Speaker 1: Kidney gangster movies, wrote about ninety movies. N Goal near

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Speaker 1: of Hollywood and including white heat, which it's kind of

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Speaker 1: you dropped your facilities. Is that some kind of drink

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Speaker 1: that has vitamins? And that's just um? In all fairness,

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Speaker 1: it's just it's grape flavoring. Um. Are you twelve? What

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Speaker 1: happened to you? It's a pandemic cat Is that energy?

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Speaker 1: It's no, it's it's grape crush sugar free. Oh my god,

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Speaker 1: that is so much. Are I know It's either gonna

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Speaker 1: be grape crush or it's gonna be strawberry sun kissed.

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Speaker 1: I love that about you or cherry seven up. We

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Speaker 1: gotta stay young, Yeah, except him, he's young. How old

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Speaker 1: are you? Early fifties? Yeah, that's all right. I'm sixty,

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Speaker 1: but I look better than you do. Have prostate like

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Speaker 1: a medicine ball. Listen, let me tell you. My ass

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Speaker 1: is killing me. I know, not for the fun reasons. Either.

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Speaker 1: She's on Royd's guys. Yeah, constantly. Hemorrhoids. I did get

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Speaker 1: my first hemorrhoid, by the way you and I about it,

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Speaker 1: I know I got mine and ship I think somewhere

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Speaker 1: in my early forties or late thirties. Really see, here's

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Speaker 1: what had happened when I was fifty. I got the

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Speaker 1: weight loss surgery and lost a hundred and seven pounds.

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Speaker 1: But it's really difficult to go to the bathroom and

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Speaker 1: you're all stopped up, so you know, I don't know,

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Speaker 1: you're not supposed to be sitting there, sitting there pushing

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Speaker 1: and pushing and pushing. Thank you Jesus. It's dangling out

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Speaker 1: of my asshole like a speedbag and a boxing jam.

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Speaker 1: It wasn't cute. That is said for all of you

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Speaker 1: who work out, which around me is no one. I've

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Speaker 1: had some flare ups where it was just like I'm

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Speaker 1: literally trying to push it back in with my fingers.

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Speaker 1: You have to sit in the sits bath you know. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I know, I know what it is. I know, but

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Speaker 1: I have the Japanese toilet, so I don't try and not.

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Speaker 1: I generally don't get the flare ups, but I did

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Speaker 1: get the bleeding Occasionallyy this has started off on a

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Speaker 1: really good this is great. You know, I don't have

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Speaker 1: the Japanese toilet. What I got was one of those

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Speaker 1: hello tushy things. Because my nephews and nieces are millennials,

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Speaker 1: so I buy everything they tell me I should So

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Speaker 1: I get this thing and you turn it. You have

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Speaker 1: a little knob and it goes. It's basically the same thing.

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Speaker 1: Here's the problem. Of course, I'm being a cheap bitch

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Speaker 1: because I'm retired and I like to save my money.

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Speaker 1: I want to be that person whose money outlives them,

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Speaker 1: like I want to be a legend for that that

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Speaker 1: I donate to all these causes. So I buy the

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Speaker 1: one that doesn't heat the water. I use it once.

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Speaker 1: It's freezing cold, and I said, I'm not using it

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Speaker 1: ever again. And it's flaccid in my thing, much like

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Speaker 1: all the men I've never had sex. Do you have

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Speaker 1: the Japanese toilet? The Japanese see another problem with that.

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Speaker 1: You're supposed to sit on the toilet that long because

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Speaker 1: it's not good for you to get older because all

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Speaker 1: your inserts start coming out, Like you said, yes, so

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Speaker 1: hap the Auschwitz toilet, which you don't want to stay

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Speaker 1: there too long? Right, Yeah? And it and the heat

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Speaker 1: is really uncomfortable. Oh my god, did they I just

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Speaker 1: told you the off air that I watched, inglorious bastard

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Speaker 1: thought of you. Thank you. Yeah, I'm glad you. Surd

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Speaker 1: Schwitz bath in the Red season sales. I took a

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Speaker 1: Schwitz bath. I was switzing in the bath. Oh my goodness. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: So if you're just tuning in and I haven't tuned

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Speaker 1: out yet, we're talking about Yeah a matter of fact,

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Speaker 1: if you're still tuning in, yeah, welcome to culturally canceled

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Speaker 1: with me. Russell and then my guests today are my

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Speaker 1: dear friends. Uh. One I haven't seen in many, many years,

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Speaker 1: and I'm really excited to see her. Um and you

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Speaker 1: know her, and you love her. We all love her,

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Speaker 1: and we're all we're all sad that she's taking a

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Speaker 1: sabbatical from sabbatical. I quit. I don't fucking buying hook

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Speaker 1: the the fucking hilarious. Uh. Lisa Lampanelli is sitting right

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Speaker 1: beside me, and I'm very very honored and excited and

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Speaker 1: thrilled because I remember my manager told me it was

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Speaker 1: right before the pandemic. She said, Russell's doing a podcast.

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Speaker 1: Can you come out to l A. I couldn't come

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Speaker 1: because of the pandemic hit, And now that I came

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Speaker 1: out for something much more important, I was happy to

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Speaker 1: do your show. No seriously, though, I said to her. No, man,

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Speaker 1: Russell's my guy. We had so much fun in the

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Speaker 1: old days. Yeah, we did. We did a show twenty

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Speaker 1: thousand seats. No, how how that place it was about.

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Speaker 1: I think they're it's like we were progressive before all

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Speaker 1: these millennials. Like we were like, let's put every culture

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Speaker 1: comic together. So we had Steve Byrne, who's an Asian. Yes,

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Speaker 1: there's you Russell who is a yes, but the weird kind.

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Speaker 1: I am a white female, which is a minority. You're

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Speaker 1: a guinea had to and then we had Gabel Glaciers,

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Speaker 1: who's a Latin. Next, and what else did we had

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Speaker 1: a black guy? Who we had? We had we had

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Speaker 1: DJ a v DJ. There you go. That was enough

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Speaker 1: And you called him ll cool Whip. I didn't, indeed,

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Speaker 1: I didn't need. I love what my jokes survived me.

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Speaker 1: That's right, because we still call him LLL cool Whip.

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Speaker 1: Oh good, it's so yes, Oh there we are. That

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Speaker 1: was me in the fat days. But I did, look,

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Speaker 1: oh my god. And Gabriel just kind of how he

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Speaker 1: is forever. I remember Gabe used to come off stage.

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Speaker 1: He used to whip off his shirt, which wasn't cute

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Speaker 1: at the time, all sweaty, and he say, I left

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Speaker 1: it all out there, and I was like, I think

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Speaker 1: you brought some back to bless his heart. Oh my god.

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Speaker 1: So we got Lisa on my right, and then on

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Speaker 1: my left is my dear friend, my road dog, UM,

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Speaker 1: my cigar smoking buddy, the owner of La Polina Cigars,

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Speaker 1: the oldest cigar company in America. My dear friend Mr

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Speaker 1: Clay Roberts is here too. I don't know why with

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Speaker 1: the two of you, Well, because you know you have

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Speaker 1: interesting stories. Play you round out the crew, you rounding

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Speaker 1: it out. Alright, it's good, it's good. So you brought

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Speaker 1: you own a cigar club company, cigar company with my

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Speaker 1: business partner, Sam Phillips and Bill Paley. Bill Paley is

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Speaker 1: son of William Paley at CBS. So oh yeah, I'm

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Speaker 1: feeling with some larger and he's a dug up old

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Speaker 1: CBS but he's a paleontologist. Anyway, this next guy, ladies

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Speaker 1: and gentlemen, you're gonna love him. So I have a

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Speaker 1: cigar company, and then I'm all show up, producer, writer,

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Speaker 1: and general issue idiot. That's good, but we should not

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Speaker 1: negate that. Um, although I like to give Clay's credits

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Speaker 1: first of what he's done with his life, because that's

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Speaker 1: who he is to me. His author was a very

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Speaker 1: important guy in Hollywood. To Ben Roberts, who um clay,

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Speaker 1: can you spit out your dad's um cock? Now can

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Speaker 1: you spit out it's not even dark yet. Spent your

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Speaker 1: dad's credits because they're really impressive and incredible. So my

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Speaker 1: dad came from the golden Arab Hollywood, and he wrote

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Speaker 1: basically all the James Kenny gangster movies, A Man of

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Speaker 1: a Thousand Faces, The Longest Day, about ninety movies. And

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Speaker 1: then was the creator of Charlie's Angels. Uh. And also

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Speaker 1: I was a producer of Mission Impossible, Mannix, Iron Side,

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Speaker 1: and on and on and on. See he was putting

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Speaker 1: people in wheelchairs on TV before it was popular. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I fully support disabled actors. So I'm not I'm now

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Speaker 1: the the inheritor of obviously a state because he's no

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Speaker 1: longer with us. I received a check from Iron Side.

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Speaker 1: I should have been a wheelchair and I received it.

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Speaker 1: It was seventeen cents. Now, what do you think Back then,

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Speaker 1: you didn't cast a person who actually needed a wheelchair,

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Speaker 1: would need a definite handicap. Yeah, now you'd have to.

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Speaker 1: So I'm thinking of throwing myself down upstairs because I

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Speaker 1: want an acting role. You're gonna have one role that

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Speaker 1: didn't work for Chill Mitchell. I don't think. Well. I

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Speaker 1: think what I should do is I should be the

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Speaker 1: female Iron Sides and then I would be in a

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Speaker 1: wheelchair and I could die a happy person. What do

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Speaker 1: you think I mean? I'm not opposed to this remake.

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Speaker 1: I am not either. I think I just need a

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Speaker 1: the son of a rich old man. Just twist your anchor,

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Speaker 1: you know what I felt really bad about though. I

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Speaker 1: don't know if you guys do bit emoji's of yourself

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Speaker 1: and send them to people, Yeah, there was none that

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Speaker 1: looked like me. Oh I look exactly like mine. I'm

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Speaker 1: very common and I literally would send you one and

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Speaker 1: you'll be like, oh my god, that's Leasta. They did

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Speaker 1: it for her famously. But now they have wheelchair ones

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Speaker 1: for you, and I buy accident pressed on one and

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Speaker 1: sent it to a friend and I was like, I

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Speaker 1: am culturally appropriating a handicap and that's wrong. See how

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Speaker 1: woke I got compared town I used to be. Three

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Speaker 1: years out of stand up really helps you be I

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Speaker 1: don't know about this new wokeness of you. I'm sorry,

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Speaker 1: this is what happened. I literally think I'm the world's

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Speaker 1: oldest millennial. Something happened to me when I retired and

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Speaker 1: started listening to people instead of just yelling at them.

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Speaker 1: I was like, wow, I have empathy for them. Except

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Speaker 1: with you, guys, I have. I listened by the way

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Speaker 1: you yelled at people. You never yelled at them blindly.

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Speaker 1: You always knew something about them, so it was never

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Speaker 1: like that's true. It was never random you're yelling. It

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Speaker 1: was always very specific, and I think that's why you

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Speaker 1: always got away with it. Well. I think also because

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Speaker 1: I very much enjoyed making fun of everybody. I don't think, yes,

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Speaker 1: you are a great example of this. It was never

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Speaker 1: about Hi, I'm going to be the comic who hates

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Speaker 1: insert group here. I was suspicious of comedians who had,

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Speaker 1: you know, only Chinese jokes. I'm like, really, what, what's

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Speaker 1: your thing? Pal? So you and I spread it around equally,

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Speaker 1: so it wasn't hate. But these days I can't even

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Speaker 1: imagine doing that type of comedy. And I still do it. No, No,

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Speaker 1: I know you do. I mean you know. I got

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Speaker 1: too tired. I was sweating. I said, oh my God,

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Speaker 1: I can't do this anymore. I I said, let me

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Speaker 1: cancel myself before I get canceled. And that's why you're

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Speaker 1: on culturally canceled with Russell Peters. Can I just say, um,

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Speaker 1: this is for also my Jewish friend in the room. Um,

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Speaker 1: it is really hot. You know we swept too much.

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Speaker 1: As an honorary Jew, I call myself you should be

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Speaker 1: one of us. I kind of am. I think I

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Speaker 1: can buy you in. I'm very thrifty. My penis is small,

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Speaker 1: it's an I tuck it at this point. Have you

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Speaker 1: ever sent a salad back at a restaurant constantly? Well,

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Speaker 1: then you're in. I do it on purpose. I think

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Speaker 1: I yelled at a front desk person today just because

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Speaker 1: when you go, my Netflix isn't working. That's the first

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Speaker 1: world problem. Okay. And and they sent two Latin next

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Speaker 1: people up. Don't you like the words Latin? I have

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Speaker 1: to use it Mexican and he doesn't like it either.

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Speaker 1: Eddie is not a real Mexican. He's an Italian with

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Speaker 1: a tan. Eddie's actually more Mexican than it needs to be.

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Speaker 1: He wipes his ass with a burrito. Almost got killed

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Speaker 1: by the cartel, So that makes me. I want to

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Speaker 1: know why does Eddie hate the term? Because it's just

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Speaker 1: too much, is just going too far? It's too far yea, yeah,

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Speaker 1: because their language is based on male or female, like

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Speaker 1: it's you know, Latino, Latina, it's for women. There's a

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Speaker 1: there's feminine and there's a masculine response for stuff. So

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Speaker 1: the Latin X just is one thing, and then what

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Speaker 1: about the rest of the language. You know X. Yes,

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Speaker 1: I think that's nice. You know, it's it's so weird

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Speaker 1: because the jokes we would do and you still do.

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Speaker 1: We're so harmless in the day, Like you know, you'd

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Speaker 1: go up like Rickles and you just decimate everybody. No

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Speaker 1: one got mad. You'd occasionally get the hate letter from

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Speaker 1: a white person. It's it's because they have to victimize

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Speaker 1: people by sticking up for them and saying, oh, they

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Speaker 1: have no voice. And I'm just like, wait a minute.

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Speaker 1: If people like other races like me like I don't,

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Speaker 1: they don't need you white people. The white devil always

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Speaker 1: seems to get involved. Oh yeah. I used to do

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Speaker 1: a joke about how people when you when you get

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Speaker 1: offended on behalf of someone else, that's you're suggesting that

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Speaker 1: they're too stupid to get offended on their own exactly,

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Speaker 1: just the way you just stuck up for your Mexican.

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Speaker 1: But my son is half Mexican. Well so you can

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Speaker 1: say whatever you want. Well, no, I mean, he just

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Speaker 1: is he Just wait to say it again and I'll

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Speaker 1: be the old Lisa my son. My son's half Mexican,

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Speaker 1: so he works part time, but he's hare the you go.

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Speaker 1: You want to know what's funny though, I Okay, since

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Speaker 1: I'm woke now, I have downsized. I think I woke

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Speaker 1: myself up. I downsized from four places to one. So

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Speaker 1: I was decluttering. I was getting rid of everything that

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Speaker 1: didn't never meaning anymore. And I found, I'm not kidding you,

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Speaker 1: at least seven boxes of like old scripts and old

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Speaker 1: roast jokes and everything. I said, Oh, let me print

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Speaker 1: on the back of these, you know, so I can

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Speaker 1: be responsible environmentally. So, dude, every time I send a

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Speaker 1: bill in on the back as sheets of like black

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Speaker 1: jokes and Indian jokes and all this, I go, I

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Speaker 1: hope they read those. And no, I was such a

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Speaker 1: badass in the day. Oh, I love that you had

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Speaker 1: one of my favorite jokes at all time, which one

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Speaker 1: one of the roast jokes. That's fine. I'm going to

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Speaker 1: be really hurt. I'm gonna have to say, no, that

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Speaker 1: was you look like the three am shift at the

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Speaker 1: Jacksonville waffle That is my favorite. What happened was that

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00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:26,000
Speaker 1: was the favorite flavor ros and he had those Flavor

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Speaker 1: of Love girls there who were very negative, negative, They

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Speaker 1: didn't like me. And I said, look at these bunch

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Speaker 1: of and I think this is terrible. I'm not saying

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Speaker 1: this now, and I would never say that. I said

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Speaker 1: called them nappy, added hose like it was a spoof

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Speaker 1: on the iMOS thing that he got fired. We all

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Speaker 1: got that. I just want to tell your listeners who

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Speaker 1: happened to be young? I don't have any young okay,

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Speaker 1: all the bastards. And when I said they looked like

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Speaker 1: three am shift at the waffle house, it indeed made

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Speaker 1: a bunch of them. If you ever rewatch it, they

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Speaker 1: all stood up and we're booing. But thank god the

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Speaker 1: whites out numbered them. J K. Sorry hashtag one of

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Speaker 1: the finest lines ever written. Thank you. You know it's

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Speaker 1: funny because I will read the bat. I had a

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Speaker 1: game night the other night, and uh, we were just

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Speaker 1: keeping score on the back of these on the front

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Speaker 1: of the pages, and I have a gay bestie who

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Speaker 1: turned it on. He goes, what the hell is this?

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Speaker 1: He goes, the black I don't read those because you're

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Speaker 1: half black. But I'll allow you in my house. Isn't

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Speaker 1: that you can get say that was terrible? Trying to

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Speaker 1: get me canceled? Yeah, play stop it as a Jewish

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Speaker 1: person should know better, sun, but in a good way.

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Speaker 1: That's like, and I'm well aware that. Now do you

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Speaker 1: wear your hat because are you balding? Oh? No, it's gone.

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Speaker 1: It's it's my back. Do you feel you're unattractive without

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Speaker 1: the hat? Yes, take it off for one second. I'm

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Speaker 1: just curious. You're not terrible. That's actually how I know him.

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Speaker 1: That's actually confusing me. This looks like I should be

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Speaker 1: selling diamonds and rotterdam. Yeah you know, he looks. Yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I'm a news heapes or you want some more? I

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Speaker 1: have some more I have. That's from Oliver twist. You

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Speaker 1: actually with that hat. Without the hat, you look like

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Speaker 1: the youngest son from my three sons does now? Doesn't

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Speaker 1: he look like that guy? I look him up. You'll

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Speaker 1: be not flattered. No, he's good. My manager goes, oh,

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Speaker 1: there's gonna be a guy on who's Russell's friend. And

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Speaker 1: immediately I was like, but I don't feel that way anymore,

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Speaker 1: thank you. Yeah, No, I don't like anybody anymore, I know,

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Speaker 1: but I'm proud of, proud of get to get your

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Speaker 1: Mexican fellow on here. No I don't want to. The

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Speaker 1: MIC's get the run is when he gets on here.

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Speaker 1: So you're terrible. And he's our head googler. He googles

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Speaker 1: whatever we talk about. He will put an image of

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Speaker 1: it up there for yeah, and then sometimes we end

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Speaker 1: up staring at it and talking about it, which is

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Speaker 1: horrible for an audio podcast, but we still do it

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Speaker 1: in comedy details or everything. If I look at the

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Speaker 1: crowd and see a guy wearing an ascot who looks

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Speaker 1: like a cross fo funeral director and mar from home alone,

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Speaker 1: I can't not say something about that. When I roast

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Speaker 1: people in the crowd, I really have to pay attention

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Speaker 1: to the way they look, the expression on their face,

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Speaker 1: who they're with, all of it. The point is specificity

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Speaker 1: and details matter. That's why I'm a big fan of

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Speaker 1: bowling branch sheets. Bowling Branches started by a husband and

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Speaker 1: wife team who wanted to create a textile company that

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Speaker 1: cared about the details that would make their products last.

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Speaker 1: And seriously, you will feel the difference in their best

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Speaker 1: selling signature sheets. These sheets are lux they are fancy.

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Speaker 1: Thanks to Bowling Branch, my bed has gotten one hell

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Speaker 1: of an upgrade. And because Bowling Branches cut out the

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Speaker 1: middleman between you and your luxurious sheets, you can get

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Speaker 1: some sexy ass sheets for a very sexy price, nice

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Speaker 1: and fair. Plus, they just seem to get softer and

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Speaker 1: softer as time goes on, even after they've been washed

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Speaker 1: a bunch of times. And for somebody who sleeps hot

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Speaker 1: like me, trust me, hot hot like hot for no reason, hot,

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Speaker 1: Bowling Branch sheets make a world of difference. Trust me.

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Speaker 1: These sheets are these sheets, and Bowling Branch believes in

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Speaker 1: their products so much that they even have a thirty

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Speaker 1: night worry free guarantee that they'll honor if you are unsatisfied,

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Speaker 1: com get off your first set of sheets with promo

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Speaker 1: code peters. That's b O l L and Branch dot

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Speaker 1: com slash peters. You know Corolla doesn't and he's the

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Speaker 1: king of podcasting, so why not is he still well?

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Speaker 1: I mean I think he still holds the record because

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Speaker 1: he's been in the game for so long. He's like

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Speaker 1: an originator. He's Yeah, I love podcasting because you can

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Speaker 1: really say whatever you want. You can like tape it

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Speaker 1: whenever you want, pretend it's that day. Yeah, you just

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Speaker 1: really real as f So what's up? What's up? What's upped?

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Speaker 1: So wait, what's going on with you? You You've retired

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Speaker 1: from comedy three years ago and I remember listening to

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Speaker 1: this on Stern and I thought you were doing a bit. No,

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Speaker 1: here's what had happened. No, but what ha happened was

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Speaker 1: about three years before this announcement of retirement on Stern,

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Speaker 1: I had like really started to notice. I hated the

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Speaker 1: lifestyle so bad, remember those episodes. I hated freaking going

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Speaker 1: around the country. I hated not connecting with people in

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Speaker 1: a real way. And I'm like, I am just got

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Speaker 1: to get out of this before the audience starts to notice,

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Speaker 1: because like, you don't want the audience to have paid

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Speaker 1: money and then be like she's kind of phoning it in.

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Speaker 1: So I call my business manager I'm like, when can

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Speaker 1: I get the f out of this? Because I can't

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Speaker 1: get on one more plane? Like this is by the way,

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Speaker 1: this is like the first plane I've been on in

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Speaker 1: like three years to come to this. That's this taping,

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Speaker 1: I mean, not this one for the other good podcast.

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Speaker 1: This was a nice add on because Monday I had

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Speaker 1: jet lag. I said, let me go over there. This

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Speaker 1: is the test one. Yeah it's good. It's going to

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Speaker 1: stretch your legs a little bit, you know, Yeah, there

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Speaker 1: you go, stretch out you twine. So I said, let

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Speaker 1: me go on Stern, because I got I gotta I

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Speaker 1: gotta save enough money to get out and downsize. So

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Speaker 1: my business and manager goes, you gotta work three more years.

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Speaker 1: So I said, well, I could pretend I enjoyed this

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Speaker 1: lifestyle for three years. So the second the minute came

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Speaker 1: that I could get out, I go, who can I

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Speaker 1: go on? What show can I go on? That'll take

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Speaker 1: this seriously and not think I'm joking around? And I

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Speaker 1: knew Stern was the guy because I mean, he really

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Speaker 1: honored it, he said the right thing. He was very

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Speaker 1: cool about it. I mean, Stern is the Carson of

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Speaker 1: today because he's the one that matters, like you could

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Speaker 1: do any other late night show doesn't matter. Well, But

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Speaker 1: the greatest thing about Stern too is that he's like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: you can come on the show to announce the retirement

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Speaker 1: and I will take it seriously. But then you have

390
00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:16,080
Speaker 1: to do your final roast ever for And that was great,

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00:21:16,119 --> 00:21:21,040
Speaker 1: that Ronnie badass amazing. And then I was like, oh

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Speaker 1: my god, I don't have to do this anymore because

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Speaker 1: I don't know, Russell. I'm sure you've done like private

394
00:21:24,760 --> 00:21:27,879
Speaker 1: roasts and stuff, but roasts are literally the most stressful

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Speaker 1: thing in writing for a roast. Oh my god, done

396
00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:36,040
Speaker 1: a couple, not good ones, but horrifying like these little ones.

397
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Speaker 1: But okay, i'll tell you why. You want to know

398
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Speaker 1: from a professional, Yeah, please, okay, this is actually Lisa

399
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Speaker 1: was one of the people I would watch on the

400
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Speaker 1: When I would watch a roast, there would only be

401
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Speaker 1: three or four that I would always look forward to,

402
00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:53,000
Speaker 1: as you Giraldo and uh and Jeff. Well, I'll tell

403
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:56,920
Speaker 1: you what happened to and this is what always correct Yeah, yeah,

404
00:21:57,200 --> 00:22:01,480
Speaker 1: And you know I always was upset because drawl though

405
00:22:02,359 --> 00:22:06,400
Speaker 1: to me in live performance and a roast, because sitting

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00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:10,159
Speaker 1: there on the days with him eight thousand times better live,

407
00:22:10,760 --> 00:22:13,800
Speaker 1: and I always felt the broadcast wasn't as great, so

408
00:22:13,840 --> 00:22:17,200
Speaker 1: imagine how great it was. It was ten times better

409
00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:20,040
Speaker 1: in person. So I was always like this, guys, something

410
00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:23,159
Speaker 1: goes wrong when they're taping, Like it just doesn't appear

411
00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:26,160
Speaker 1: as great. Jeff Ross is the opposite. He comes off

412
00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:29,240
Speaker 1: way better than it is live and neither. That's not

413
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Speaker 1: an insult. It's just saying the TV loved loves that

414
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Speaker 1: ugly bastard and I don't know why. And I can

415
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Speaker 1: say that because we're friends. So anyway, but the roasts

416
00:22:37,680 --> 00:22:39,560
Speaker 1: are hard because what happens is they give you a

417
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Speaker 1: big celebrity to roast, say a Pam Anderson. You know

418
00:22:44,440 --> 00:22:48,520
Speaker 1: that the guys before you will have covered boobs, horror,

419
00:22:48,920 --> 00:22:53,359
Speaker 1: stretched out undercarriage, all the stuff that's obvious. And you're Lisa,

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Speaker 1: who has to go last because they're always gonna be like, oh,

421
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Speaker 1: she's the best, so she has to go last and

422
00:22:57,680 --> 00:23:01,960
Speaker 1: we'll pay you more. Oops did that come out anyway? Um?

423
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:05,360
Speaker 1: I'm like, so I gotta dig deep for other stuff

424
00:23:05,840 --> 00:23:08,440
Speaker 1: and I got to take about I. Oh we all

425
00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:11,040
Speaker 1: have teams. Yeah, I had two guys. Everybody else seemed

426
00:23:11,040 --> 00:23:13,240
Speaker 1: to have six or seven. I got to Sherman white guys,

427
00:23:13,440 --> 00:23:15,919
Speaker 1: but they're good. And so we're digging up all this stuff.

428
00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:18,560
Speaker 1: Like you had to be so specific, so you had

429
00:23:18,640 --> 00:23:20,560
Speaker 1: to go around the whole day. It's like, for instance,

430
00:23:20,680 --> 00:23:23,320
Speaker 1: at the Williams Shatton a roast, this was how deep

431
00:23:23,359 --> 00:23:25,880
Speaker 1: we had to dig. Okay, we're like Shatton or they're

432
00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:27,600
Speaker 1: going to cover everything. First of all, he has the

433
00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:29,560
Speaker 1: thing where you're not allowed to make fun of his

434
00:23:29,680 --> 00:23:32,080
Speaker 1: dead wife who was found in the pool. Like every

435
00:23:32,119 --> 00:23:36,720
Speaker 1: everybody had seems to have something. Yeah, So with Pam

436
00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:42,240
Speaker 1: it was the uh uh appetitis C. So I had jokes.

437
00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:45,679
Speaker 1: And by the way, some roasters are so stupid they

438
00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:48,679
Speaker 1: would be like, oh, I'm gonna make that joke anyway, Well, asshole,

439
00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:50,480
Speaker 1: it's gonna get cut out. So I put the effort

440
00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:52,720
Speaker 1: in what I did. I had one hepatitis C joke.

441
00:23:52,840 --> 00:23:54,399
Speaker 1: I just would use it in my act. I was

442
00:23:54,440 --> 00:23:57,399
Speaker 1: like Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee got married. They were

443
00:23:57,440 --> 00:24:00,080
Speaker 1: the only couple to ever register at Bed Bath and

444
00:24:00,119 --> 00:24:03,560
Speaker 1: Beyond and the Center for Disease Control. So you get

445
00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:06,359
Speaker 1: the one joke. So you have, first of all the jokes,

446
00:24:06,359 --> 00:24:09,000
Speaker 1: you can't do well the Chattner roast, I gotta go last.

447
00:24:09,520 --> 00:24:13,719
Speaker 1: So we're like, everything's gonna have been said. I know

448
00:24:14,119 --> 00:24:19,560
Speaker 1: Leonard Nimoy's sending in a tape, so I say, oh, wow,

449
00:24:19,680 --> 00:24:23,560
Speaker 1: you know you're a big shot when Leonard Nimoy sends

450
00:24:23,600 --> 00:24:26,560
Speaker 1: a tape. So it's a good intro to Leonard Nemoy.

451
00:24:26,680 --> 00:24:30,680
Speaker 1: Then I say, Leonard nemi took photographs, this is true.

452
00:24:31,200 --> 00:24:35,359
Speaker 1: He's a was a great artist in photography, took photographs

453
00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:38,840
Speaker 1: of fat women. And then you also known as Jeff

454
00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:42,600
Speaker 1: Ross's road pussy. So yeah, I mean you have to

455
00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:45,560
Speaker 1: go so far that you're like, at least the audience

456
00:24:45,640 --> 00:24:47,760
Speaker 1: is going, oh, that's something I didn't hear. But it

457
00:24:47,800 --> 00:24:51,000
Speaker 1: takes thirty to sixty days to get this ship perfect.

458
00:24:51,480 --> 00:24:55,639
Speaker 1: And the problem is when you're you don't you literally

459
00:24:55,680 --> 00:24:58,480
Speaker 1: sit in a hotel room with your super critical staff

460
00:24:58,720 --> 00:25:03,320
Speaker 1: and they go they graded a BC. You know whatever.

461
00:25:04,080 --> 00:25:07,000
Speaker 1: My one of my guys goes, Lisa, after your first roast,

462
00:25:07,280 --> 00:25:10,159
Speaker 1: they all got to be haymakers because you set a

463
00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:12,840
Speaker 1: high standard for yourself. Now, if it's below an A

464
00:25:13,080 --> 00:25:16,800
Speaker 1: minus cut, so we would overwrite, it'll be twelve pages

465
00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:20,119
Speaker 1: in stet of three, so it's pretty intense. And again

466
00:25:20,640 --> 00:25:23,320
Speaker 1: it was cool. But dude, I don't I can't even

467
00:25:23,359 --> 00:25:25,720
Speaker 1: imagine going back to that. My life was so not

468
00:25:25,880 --> 00:25:28,360
Speaker 1: peaceful because of that kind of work and also even

469
00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:32,480
Speaker 1: keeping comedy specials. All that stuff is Tonight shows. Jesus

470
00:25:32,680 --> 00:25:36,399
Speaker 1: h doing thirteen Tonight shows and going, oh my god,

471
00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:38,879
Speaker 1: is Jay Leno gonna snap and be like that was

472
00:25:38,960 --> 00:25:42,520
Speaker 1: too far or whatever? It's too much. I did one,

473
00:25:42,760 --> 00:25:44,320
Speaker 1: I got, I got it out of the way. I know,

474
00:25:44,440 --> 00:25:50,880
Speaker 1: I know, yeah, but yet you probably yeah, but you're

475
00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:53,959
Speaker 1: so much richer and more successful than most of us

476
00:25:54,119 --> 00:25:59,840
Speaker 1: because you have this bizarrely enormous audience. I've never seen anything.

477
00:26:00,040 --> 00:26:02,600
Speaker 1: Mine is just loyal mine. Mine are very loyal, minor

478
00:26:02,640 --> 00:26:07,919
Speaker 1: disloyal cocksuckers. And that's why I'm out. I remember now,

479
00:26:08,040 --> 00:26:09,760
Speaker 1: I don't know the details behind it. If you don't

480
00:26:09,760 --> 00:26:13,320
Speaker 1: want to talk about when you want that that show

481
00:26:13,320 --> 00:26:15,120
Speaker 1: where you offered you gave the guy a hundred bucks

482
00:26:15,160 --> 00:26:19,280
Speaker 1: and get the funk out. Everyone fantasy always had so

483
00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:22,000
Speaker 1: I never had money in my pocket. Okay, this is

484
00:26:22,080 --> 00:26:25,280
Speaker 1: years ago, when before you I made it, there were

485
00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:27,920
Speaker 1: clubs in the city. You do like comic strip Live

486
00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:29,560
Speaker 1: was a big thing in New York City and the

487
00:26:29,560 --> 00:26:33,200
Speaker 1: Comedy Seller, and these were places where like the established

488
00:26:33,240 --> 00:26:35,840
Speaker 1: guys would kind of work out. So remember Joey Vega,

489
00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:41,280
Speaker 1: this comic Latin Latino comics from the Guy, and I

490
00:26:41,320 --> 00:26:45,560
Speaker 1: remember once he said somebody was heckling him and he said, dude,

491
00:26:45,720 --> 00:26:47,680
Speaker 1: I'll give you twenty bucks to get the funk out

492
00:26:47,680 --> 00:26:49,159
Speaker 1: of here. And then he thought better of it and

493
00:26:49,160 --> 00:26:51,280
Speaker 1: he goes, wait, that's my whole paycheck from tonight, because

494
00:26:51,280 --> 00:26:53,119
Speaker 1: the city clubs didn't pay anything. So I said, oh,

495
00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:55,600
Speaker 1: that's a badass move to give somebody money to get

496
00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:59,879
Speaker 1: them to leave. So um, I really was in San Jose.

497
00:27:00,600 --> 00:27:03,240
Speaker 1: It was literally the second to last show before I

498
00:27:03,240 --> 00:27:05,440
Speaker 1: was going to retire. So I'm like, please, God, don't

499
00:27:05,520 --> 00:27:10,080
Speaker 1: let anything bad happen. So what happens is this horrible

500
00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:13,720
Speaker 1: event happens where it's this big, big, big, big theater.

501
00:27:14,400 --> 00:27:17,080
Speaker 1: This woman's in a cast, she has a cast on

502
00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:20,640
Speaker 1: her leg, and a guy behind her was so loud

503
00:27:20,720 --> 00:27:24,159
Speaker 1: and screaming and she was obviously, you know, uncomfortable. He

504
00:27:24,320 --> 00:27:26,920
Speaker 1: couldn't hear anything I was saying. I said, miss, there's

505
00:27:26,960 --> 00:27:30,000
Speaker 1: a seat up here. I go just cobble your crippled

506
00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:33,639
Speaker 1: ass over here. That's how I talked back then, and

507
00:27:33,760 --> 00:27:36,040
Speaker 1: get up here, and it was taking suit too long.

508
00:27:36,080 --> 00:27:40,080
Speaker 1: I guess for some guy and he yells tell jokes, bitch,

509
00:27:40,320 --> 00:27:42,320
Speaker 1: and like I'm at the point of like, this is

510
00:27:42,359 --> 00:27:45,359
Speaker 1: my second to last show in my life. I hate you.

511
00:27:45,600 --> 00:27:47,760
Speaker 1: Die of cancer of the ass, so we'd eat you

512
00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:50,880
Speaker 1: from the inside out. So I start screaming at him.

513
00:27:50,880 --> 00:27:53,240
Speaker 1: He's screaming at me. I go down there and I go,

514
00:27:53,400 --> 00:27:55,080
Speaker 1: I'll give you a hundred fucking I'll give you a

515
00:27:55,119 --> 00:27:57,480
Speaker 1: ticket price to get the f out, and he goes,

516
00:27:57,480 --> 00:27:59,359
Speaker 1: I'll give you twenty bucks to shut up. I go,

517
00:27:59,840 --> 00:28:03,280
Speaker 1: I go, I'll take it. And I was like, Okay,

518
00:28:03,280 --> 00:28:05,560
Speaker 1: this is gonna look bad for me. If I rip

519
00:28:05,640 --> 00:28:08,239
Speaker 1: up the money, that looks like I'm wasteful. If I

520
00:28:08,280 --> 00:28:11,160
Speaker 1: take the money, it looks like I'm poor. And what's

521
00:28:11,200 --> 00:28:14,280
Speaker 1: the solution. I should have taken it rustle and said

522
00:28:14,800 --> 00:28:17,720
Speaker 1: I'm giving this to an abused woman's charity. That would

523
00:28:17,720 --> 00:28:20,960
Speaker 1: have been the politically correct move me. Instead, I threw

524
00:28:20,960 --> 00:28:23,000
Speaker 1: it in his face and I walked off the stage,

525
00:28:23,440 --> 00:28:26,320
Speaker 1: and you was, oh, yeah, it's online and everything. So

526
00:28:26,400 --> 00:28:28,200
Speaker 1: TMZ gets ahold of it made it look like it

527
00:28:28,240 --> 00:28:30,320
Speaker 1: was a meltdown. Yeah, but it was. I mean I

528
00:28:30,359 --> 00:28:34,200
Speaker 1: was screaming, so I was by some standards, which I enjoyed, No,

529
00:28:34,320 --> 00:28:36,480
Speaker 1: but they made it seem like you were off your rocker, yeah,

530
00:28:36,560 --> 00:28:39,040
Speaker 1: which I kind of like you were just irritated. I

531
00:28:39,040 --> 00:28:41,120
Speaker 1: get in those fucking zones on stage, somebody will say

532
00:28:41,120 --> 00:28:43,120
Speaker 1: something slicking like shut the funk. Well, I kind of

533
00:28:43,160 --> 00:28:46,120
Speaker 1: took offense because here's the thing I was. Here's what

534
00:28:46,200 --> 00:28:49,800
Speaker 1: I hate, mistaking kindness for weakness for a change. I

535
00:28:49,920 --> 00:28:53,200
Speaker 1: was being nice, letting this woman in this cast move up,

536
00:28:53,200 --> 00:28:55,960
Speaker 1: thinking I'm look at me, I'm doing the right thing.

537
00:28:56,160 --> 00:28:59,280
Speaker 1: I'm such a nice thing. Yeah, and this asshole start

538
00:28:59,320 --> 00:29:02,440
Speaker 1: telling so right now I'm no longer that mad at him,

539
00:29:02,560 --> 00:29:05,040
Speaker 1: but I'm kind of like that was really uncool that

540
00:29:05,120 --> 00:29:07,800
Speaker 1: he did that. And you know what what's good about

541
00:29:07,840 --> 00:29:09,959
Speaker 1: TMZ though, I will tell you since they've always been

542
00:29:10,040 --> 00:29:12,680
Speaker 1: very good to me. They call me and they go, yeah,

543
00:29:12,760 --> 00:29:14,760
Speaker 1: you want to do a rebuttal call us and I'm like,

544
00:29:14,800 --> 00:29:16,959
Speaker 1: hell yeah. So there's a really funny clip of me

545
00:29:17,000 --> 00:29:20,000
Speaker 1: calling in talking about why it happened. So they always

546
00:29:20,040 --> 00:29:21,840
Speaker 1: gave me a chance to explain. I think TMZ does

547
00:29:21,880 --> 00:29:23,720
Speaker 1: that with a lot of people. They give me here's

548
00:29:23,720 --> 00:29:26,640
Speaker 1: an opportunity to explain yourself. Otherwise you're gonna have to

549
00:29:26,680 --> 00:29:29,520
Speaker 1: let this live and say what it says. Well, I

550
00:29:29,560 --> 00:29:32,520
Speaker 1: remember too, a lot of female comics were trying to

551
00:29:32,640 --> 00:29:34,520
Speaker 1: come to my defense, and I'm like, no, dude, it

552
00:29:34,600 --> 00:29:36,480
Speaker 1: was like, really funny. I sewed it up with TMZ,

553
00:29:36,520 --> 00:29:38,680
Speaker 1: don't worry about it. So I think what happens is

554
00:29:39,280 --> 00:29:42,440
Speaker 1: you can't control anything in life. I'm literally nothing, let's

555
00:29:42,480 --> 00:29:46,160
Speaker 1: be honest, And I'm like, if people think that TMZ,

556
00:29:46,440 --> 00:29:48,720
Speaker 1: if they didn't see my clip, I just gotta If

557
00:29:48,720 --> 00:29:51,560
Speaker 1: people think I quit for that reason, that's fine. You

558
00:29:51,680 --> 00:29:53,520
Speaker 1: just have to kind of let it go. No. I

559
00:29:53,560 --> 00:29:55,600
Speaker 1: mean I listened to your whole Stern interview and you

560
00:29:55,640 --> 00:29:57,120
Speaker 1: were talking about you just done with it, and I

561
00:29:57,160 --> 00:30:00,160
Speaker 1: was like, I was genuinely saddened when I listened too,

562
00:30:00,200 --> 00:30:02,680
Speaker 1: and I was like, please don't go, Lisa. Well, what's

563
00:30:02,680 --> 00:30:05,280
Speaker 1: funny is a lot of people please don't go, a

564
00:30:05,320 --> 00:30:07,280
Speaker 1: lot of people want you to like stay in it

565
00:30:07,400 --> 00:30:10,520
Speaker 1: kind of for them in a way. But I just

566
00:30:10,600 --> 00:30:12,720
Speaker 1: got so like, oh my god, you hit a certain

567
00:30:12,760 --> 00:30:15,200
Speaker 1: age where you're like, I'm not spending any quality time

568
00:30:15,240 --> 00:30:19,960
Speaker 1: with anybody I'm seeing, as you know, with the road, hotel, theater, airport,

569
00:30:20,120 --> 00:30:23,720
Speaker 1: it's not like you're sticking around and having a same Yeah,

570
00:30:23,880 --> 00:30:27,720
Speaker 1: you don't get to this city and go where's your attractions? Yeah,

571
00:30:27,720 --> 00:30:30,600
Speaker 1: you realize you are the attraction. No kidding. And also

572
00:30:30,680 --> 00:30:32,760
Speaker 1: they did say too. I think Dave Grohl said it.

573
00:30:32,760 --> 00:30:34,440
Speaker 1: It might be somebody else, but he said something like

574
00:30:34,560 --> 00:30:37,320
Speaker 1: when your house starts looking nicer than the hotels, you

575
00:30:37,320 --> 00:30:39,560
Speaker 1: pretty much you just stay home. Or when you start

576
00:30:39,640 --> 00:30:43,160
Speaker 1: decorating your your house like a hotel, that's a good house,

577
00:30:43,200 --> 00:30:47,720
Speaker 1: looks like like a hotel, lobby. I'm proud of you,

578
00:30:47,880 --> 00:30:50,560
Speaker 1: classy lobby. I mean it's funny though, like I did

579
00:30:50,680 --> 00:30:53,800
Speaker 1: like all those fancy things like that I used to do,

580
00:30:54,200 --> 00:30:56,680
Speaker 1: Like I really did like treating myself, and I don't

581
00:30:56,680 --> 00:31:00,360
Speaker 1: do it as much anymore. I mean, it's fine, but

582
00:31:00,440 --> 00:31:02,960
Speaker 1: I think it's like I do like I did used

583
00:31:03,000 --> 00:31:05,200
Speaker 1: to like being bougie and stand at the peninsula and

584
00:31:05,280 --> 00:31:07,120
Speaker 1: just be doing this and that, and I'm like, but

585
00:31:07,160 --> 00:31:10,120
Speaker 1: I never really I'm gonna sorry to get deep amount it,

586
00:31:10,160 --> 00:31:13,440
Speaker 1: but it never really feel like the empty hole you

587
00:31:13,480 --> 00:31:15,240
Speaker 1: have in your heart. So it's it's like it doesn't

588
00:31:15,720 --> 00:31:18,560
Speaker 1: do anything really for you, but it's cute, like it

589
00:31:18,680 --> 00:31:23,160
Speaker 1: was fun having those experiences. Yeah, Like last year, I'm like,

590
00:31:23,200 --> 00:31:25,480
Speaker 1: I told you outside, I you know, I moved to

591
00:31:25,480 --> 00:31:28,000
Speaker 1: a small I had to downsize my entire life. Your

592
00:31:28,000 --> 00:31:31,920
Speaker 1: house is so disgusting, guys, I walked in. I was like, oh,

593
00:31:32,000 --> 00:31:38,200
Speaker 1: it's a shack. Yes, well that's good on a good day.

594
00:31:39,440 --> 00:31:41,480
Speaker 1: I you know, I sold, I had sold the Junton,

595
00:31:41,560 --> 00:31:43,600
Speaker 1: sold the Giant house, and I got rid of the LAMBORGHINNI,

596
00:31:43,680 --> 00:31:46,840
Speaker 1: the roads roys, the BMW, I sold watches. I got

597
00:31:46,920 --> 00:31:48,360
Speaker 1: rid of a gang of shi it And I was like,

598
00:31:48,720 --> 00:31:51,200
Speaker 1: I don't miss it. I don't miss insane how much

599
00:31:51,240 --> 00:31:57,480
Speaker 1: downsize and and you realize that adding more never works

600
00:31:57,520 --> 00:32:01,120
Speaker 1: to make your life better. Subtracting always works. So not

601
00:32:01,200 --> 00:32:03,440
Speaker 1: to be flipping about it, but I mean, the first

602
00:32:03,440 --> 00:32:06,760
Speaker 1: thing I downsized was a husband, because me and Jimmy

603
00:32:06,760 --> 00:32:08,640
Speaker 1: big balls. After we well, actually the first thing I

604
00:32:08,680 --> 00:32:11,000
Speaker 1: downs house was physically, you know, I lost the hundreds

605
00:32:11,000 --> 00:32:15,120
Speaker 1: seven pounds. Jimmy and I weight loss surgery the sleeve,

606
00:32:15,560 --> 00:32:18,080
Speaker 1: and the sleeve didn't work for my brother. Yeah, they

607
00:32:18,080 --> 00:32:20,200
Speaker 1: didn't put it on right, No, one's not. That's a

608
00:32:20,280 --> 00:32:22,720
Speaker 1: lap band. The sleeve is where they remove most of

609
00:32:22,720 --> 00:32:26,360
Speaker 1: your stomach. So that's what we got. Yeah, um yeah,

610
00:32:26,480 --> 00:32:29,360
Speaker 1: it's the one that every and it's great. So I

611
00:32:29,400 --> 00:32:31,840
Speaker 1: lose the weight Jimmy big balls lost the weight to

612
00:32:32,800 --> 00:32:36,960
Speaker 1: and oh dude, I didn't see them for years before

613
00:32:37,000 --> 00:32:40,480
Speaker 1: that surgery. That which is probably why we got a divorce,

614
00:32:40,520 --> 00:32:42,200
Speaker 1: because we look at each other like, well, really, all

615
00:32:42,240 --> 00:32:43,960
Speaker 1: we really had in common was going out to dinner

616
00:32:43,960 --> 00:32:48,200
Speaker 1: and having fun, so maybe we're just friends. And um,

617
00:32:48,240 --> 00:32:51,840
Speaker 1: so I downsized the weight, the husband and the four houses,

618
00:32:51,880 --> 00:32:55,160
Speaker 1: and I'm like, Okay, this feels right, So isn't it

619
00:32:55,280 --> 00:32:58,160
Speaker 1: is interesting what subtraction does do for you. And now

620
00:32:58,200 --> 00:33:02,440
Speaker 1: subtracting that big career, damn, and just doing little hobbies

621
00:33:02,480 --> 00:33:05,200
Speaker 1: and you went out on top. I went up out

622
00:33:05,280 --> 00:33:09,719
Speaker 1: at least before I had an embarrassingly slow decline from

623
00:33:09,760 --> 00:33:13,200
Speaker 1: being canceled, because people would have canceled me eventually, and

624
00:33:13,240 --> 00:33:15,080
Speaker 1: they they would have been like, oh my god, you

625
00:33:15,120 --> 00:33:18,440
Speaker 1: don't say that. Don't say that. Don't we gone? Your

626
00:33:18,560 --> 00:33:21,240
Speaker 1: Your fans are different than mine, I think, and that

627
00:33:21,280 --> 00:33:23,800
Speaker 1: they were there because of you know, you were. I'm

628
00:33:23,840 --> 00:33:25,640
Speaker 1: not saying that in a bad way, but like they

629
00:33:25,640 --> 00:33:27,680
Speaker 1: were there because of the roast. They discovered you that way,

630
00:33:27,720 --> 00:33:29,880
Speaker 1: and they want to hear that, and then eventually they go,

631
00:33:29,920 --> 00:33:33,720
Speaker 1: we'll do something else. And funny than that, they weren't

632
00:33:33,720 --> 00:33:36,720
Speaker 1: even asking for something else. I'm if I'm still doing

633
00:33:36,760 --> 00:33:42,680
Speaker 1: comedy as an insult comic, they probably would have aged out,

634
00:33:43,000 --> 00:33:45,880
Speaker 1: Like once they get to sixty years older, they still

635
00:33:45,880 --> 00:33:47,720
Speaker 1: going out to see comedy. And then you got thirty

636
00:33:47,800 --> 00:33:50,560
Speaker 1: year old people who were probably going, that's politically incorrect.

637
00:33:50,600 --> 00:33:53,200
Speaker 1: We can't we can't sign on to that. So I

638
00:33:53,240 --> 00:33:55,960
Speaker 1: wonder if like staying in it, as say, I wonder

639
00:33:56,000 --> 00:33:58,640
Speaker 1: if Rickles was alive and still doing comedy, would he

640
00:33:58,640 --> 00:34:01,120
Speaker 1: have been canceled. He was still doing it right till

641
00:34:01,160 --> 00:34:03,080
Speaker 1: the end. And you know, I had lunch with Bob

642
00:34:03,160 --> 00:34:05,880
Speaker 1: Newhard a couple of months ago. He they say, new

643
00:34:05,920 --> 00:34:09,040
Speaker 1: hearts the asshole. New Hard has said this that he's

644
00:34:09,080 --> 00:34:11,640
Speaker 1: the asshole and Ripples was the nice one. I mean,

645
00:34:11,680 --> 00:34:13,120
Speaker 1: I only don't knew Hard to be a nice guy,

646
00:34:13,160 --> 00:34:15,880
Speaker 1: but but he said like he was. You know, Don's

647
00:34:15,880 --> 00:34:18,200
Speaker 1: the greatest guy in the world, and I'm the one

648
00:34:18,239 --> 00:34:20,319
Speaker 1: who's more difficult, which I think is great. He's the

649
00:34:20,320 --> 00:34:22,799
Speaker 1: more introverted one, that's why. So it's more, you know,

650
00:34:22,840 --> 00:34:24,560
Speaker 1: the watch you and think and then you think it

651
00:34:24,600 --> 00:34:27,400
Speaker 1: doesn't like you or something right. Right, But he's going

652
00:34:27,480 --> 00:34:29,960
Speaker 1: to tell me you can't quit comedy. Yeah, I said

653
00:34:30,000 --> 00:34:31,719
Speaker 1: you can. It's he said, it's a gift that you

654
00:34:31,760 --> 00:34:33,279
Speaker 1: have and you have to share it till the day

655
00:34:33,320 --> 00:34:35,440
Speaker 1: you die. Well, I think he's wrong, and I'll tell

656
00:34:35,440 --> 00:34:38,440
Speaker 1: you why, because you can. Yeah. Well that's why I'm

657
00:34:38,440 --> 00:34:46,399
Speaker 1: telling you this thing was stupid. Fig No, here's what

658
00:34:46,480 --> 00:34:49,720
Speaker 1: I think about comedy. You'll never stop having the gift

659
00:34:49,719 --> 00:34:51,759
Speaker 1: of being funny. So that's why. Even and I'm going

660
00:34:51,840 --> 00:34:55,359
Speaker 1: to do my first shameless plug for my podcast why

661
00:34:55,960 --> 00:35:00,799
Speaker 1: I feel like in the podcast I do, it's still humorous,

662
00:35:00,880 --> 00:35:04,440
Speaker 1: but we go deep about psychological issues. If I tried

663
00:35:04,520 --> 00:35:07,160
Speaker 1: to sit there for an hour with these two millennials

664
00:35:07,200 --> 00:35:10,160
Speaker 1: who I do the podcast with, by the way, called

665
00:35:10,160 --> 00:35:13,520
Speaker 1: Losers with a Dream available everywhere. And by the way,

666
00:35:13,560 --> 00:35:15,160
Speaker 1: it's called Losers with the Dream because that's one of

667
00:35:15,239 --> 00:35:17,960
Speaker 1: my lines from a roast where I would talk about

668
00:35:17,960 --> 00:35:20,040
Speaker 1: the whole days of people and then I go, but

669
00:35:20,280 --> 00:35:23,680
Speaker 1: enough about these losers with a dream. Let's talk about

670
00:35:23,800 --> 00:35:28,200
Speaker 1: flavor fla. So if I was destroyed to not be

671
00:35:28,360 --> 00:35:31,600
Speaker 1: funny on this thing, it would be not being authentic.

672
00:35:32,000 --> 00:35:35,200
Speaker 1: So I think having the gift of comedy really helps

673
00:35:35,280 --> 00:35:39,120
Speaker 1: you deal with psychological stuff too. And I don't agree

674
00:35:39,200 --> 00:35:42,120
Speaker 1: necessarily that laughter is the best medicine because guess what

675
00:35:42,160 --> 00:35:46,520
Speaker 1: the best medicine is medicine and chemo isn't bad either,

676
00:35:47,120 --> 00:35:51,680
Speaker 1: so I feel like it really is. But aids boy,

677
00:35:51,800 --> 00:35:55,880
Speaker 1: that's I used to say, that's a quick seventy pounds um.

678
00:35:55,960 --> 00:35:57,839
Speaker 1: By the way, my gay friends liked it, So don't

679
00:35:57,880 --> 00:36:00,279
Speaker 1: cancel this show. No, But I think like if we

680
00:36:00,320 --> 00:36:03,279
Speaker 1: don't give those that gift in anything we do, then

681
00:36:03,360 --> 00:36:04,960
Speaker 1: we're not being authentic to who we are. So I

682
00:36:05,000 --> 00:36:06,919
Speaker 1: get what New Heart means. If I was to sit

683
00:36:06,960 --> 00:36:08,759
Speaker 1: there for an hour a week with these guys on

684
00:36:08,800 --> 00:36:12,440
Speaker 1: the podcast and not let humor flow freely, then it's

685
00:36:12,480 --> 00:36:14,680
Speaker 1: just not doing the right thing. Well, then you wouldn't

686
00:36:14,719 --> 00:36:17,480
Speaker 1: have been um, it wouldn't really been a comic. If

687
00:36:17,560 --> 00:36:20,680
Speaker 1: if you if you weren't just a naturally funny human being,

688
00:36:20,680 --> 00:36:27,920
Speaker 1: I think, let me tell you something, if you're like

689
00:36:28,000 --> 00:36:30,239
Speaker 1: me and your gears never stopped turning. You have to

690
00:36:30,239 --> 00:36:32,040
Speaker 1: figure out a way to cut down on your stressors

691
00:36:32,120 --> 00:36:34,759
Speaker 1: or you'll never be able to relax. And I'm telling you,

692
00:36:35,160 --> 00:36:37,200
Speaker 1: having a security system you can count on is one

693
00:36:37,239 --> 00:36:38,959
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694
00:36:39,000 --> 00:36:40,880
Speaker 1: of mind. You don't want to be worried about somebody

695
00:36:40,880 --> 00:36:44,040
Speaker 1: sneaking into your house and stealing your sword collection or

696
00:36:44,080 --> 00:36:46,840
Speaker 1: your many many awards. I don't have a sword collection,

697
00:36:47,160 --> 00:36:51,200
Speaker 1: I have an award or two. However, that's why you

698
00:36:51,200 --> 00:36:53,560
Speaker 1: need to look into securing your home with my favorite

699
00:36:53,560 --> 00:36:57,759
Speaker 1: home security company, simply Safe. Simply Safe has already been

700
00:36:57,880 --> 00:37:01,160
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701
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702
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703
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704
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705
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706
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707
00:37:21,280 --> 00:37:23,600
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708
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709
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Speaker 1: in and clearly see things like faces and license plates

710
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711
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712
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713
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714
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715
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716
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717
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718
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719
00:37:56,480 --> 00:37:59,520
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720
00:37:59,560 --> 00:38:02,600
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721
00:38:02,719 --> 00:38:08,320
Speaker 1: Safe wireless outdoor security camera, visits simplest Safe dot com

722
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723
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724
00:38:16,480 --> 00:38:21,279
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726
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727
00:38:29,320 --> 00:38:38,080
Speaker 1: Safe dot com slash Peters. Right, but still, you know

728
00:38:38,160 --> 00:38:41,520
Speaker 1: it's terrible. I have to fight the really mean stuff,

729
00:38:42,200 --> 00:38:44,800
Speaker 1: Like I was watching The Tony's last night on the plane,

730
00:38:44,920 --> 00:38:46,719
Speaker 1: and this is terrible because you shouldn't fight it. You

731
00:38:46,719 --> 00:38:50,560
Speaker 1: should still accept it and embrace because everyone, it seems,

732
00:38:51,120 --> 00:38:54,440
Speaker 1: has gained pandemic weight accept me, which I'm really really

733
00:38:54,440 --> 00:38:57,360
Speaker 1: happy about because I realized how hard life is as

734
00:38:57,400 --> 00:39:00,200
Speaker 1: a fat person because I lived it for two years.

735
00:39:00,239 --> 00:39:03,120
Speaker 1: Remember here's the thing. I never considered you a fat person,

736
00:39:03,320 --> 00:39:07,000
Speaker 1: well because I was tall and I'm five eight and

737
00:39:07,120 --> 00:39:08,839
Speaker 1: the weight was spread out evenly, but I was still

738
00:39:08,840 --> 00:39:12,360
Speaker 1: a hundred pounds overweight. I was more like tall fat

739
00:39:12,880 --> 00:39:20,000
Speaker 1: so but watching these former anorexic actresses from Broadway having

740
00:39:20,040 --> 00:39:22,920
Speaker 1: their COVID weight on made me secretly and not secretly,

741
00:39:22,960 --> 00:39:26,680
Speaker 1: I guess now really happy. And I'm texting people other

742
00:39:26,760 --> 00:39:29,000
Speaker 1: mean people who have gained weight during the pandemic, and

743
00:39:29,000 --> 00:39:31,919
Speaker 1: I'm like, ha, you're all fat and I'm not, so

744
00:39:32,200 --> 00:39:34,839
Speaker 1: I have to fight it constantly. And the Tony's by

745
00:39:34,840 --> 00:39:37,160
Speaker 1: the way, you know how much my fan base was gay.

746
00:39:37,360 --> 00:39:39,200
Speaker 1: Even that was a little gay for me. Last night.

747
00:39:39,360 --> 00:39:42,080
Speaker 1: I was like, okay, guys, calm down. We know Terrence

748
00:39:42,160 --> 00:39:45,680
Speaker 1: McNally was a genius, but shut up. So there is

749
00:39:45,719 --> 00:39:49,440
Speaker 1: that even still, entertainment business in general is very gay. Now.

750
00:39:49,480 --> 00:39:52,360
Speaker 1: I mean, I should make a comeback then, because somebody

751
00:39:52,400 --> 00:39:54,799
Speaker 1: could make me into a great character in a wheelchair.

752
00:39:55,080 --> 00:39:57,920
Speaker 1: I told you this is what I want, breaking ankle,

753
00:39:58,000 --> 00:40:03,480
Speaker 1: get on iron side, speaking of an impossible exactly. I

754
00:40:03,520 --> 00:40:07,000
Speaker 1: think this is a problem. When you're not a good actress,

755
00:40:07,360 --> 00:40:11,319
Speaker 1: you do a couple EPI. Oh, yeah, this was hilarious.

756
00:40:11,800 --> 00:40:14,000
Speaker 1: I only have one thing I'm proud of that I did,

757
00:40:14,280 --> 00:40:17,919
Speaker 1: because the rest was just terrible. I did a horrible,

758
00:40:18,160 --> 00:40:23,520
Speaker 1: horrible acting job on Larry the Cable Guy Health Inspector.

759
00:40:23,800 --> 00:40:28,200
Speaker 1: Now let me tell you something. I was literally played.

760
00:40:28,600 --> 00:40:30,480
Speaker 1: This was at the time. I was only about forty

761
00:40:30,520 --> 00:40:32,919
Speaker 1: years old. They made me up to look seventy years

762
00:40:32,920 --> 00:40:36,279
Speaker 1: old with procedetic and four pounds. Look at that. What

763
00:40:36,400 --> 00:40:40,080
Speaker 1: a battle axe now that person. But that was all

764
00:40:40,160 --> 00:40:43,840
Speaker 1: like but get Russell. At the time, I was still dating,

765
00:40:44,239 --> 00:40:45,920
Speaker 1: so I had all these pads on to make me

766
00:40:45,960 --> 00:40:47,560
Speaker 1: look like four hundred pounds even though I was only

767
00:40:47,560 --> 00:40:50,839
Speaker 1: about a buck fifty and no buck eight. So I

768
00:40:50,880 --> 00:40:56,400
Speaker 1: have these. Yeah, so I'm in all this prosthetics and everything,

769
00:40:56,520 --> 00:40:59,560
Speaker 1: and chin's look at all that. Well, I forget, I

770
00:40:59,600 --> 00:41:01,920
Speaker 1: have the ac up on and I'm hitting on guys

771
00:41:01,920 --> 00:41:05,560
Speaker 1: on set. Now. That did not go particularly well, but

772
00:41:05,640 --> 00:41:07,320
Speaker 1: at least you know I was trying. At least I

773
00:41:07,360 --> 00:41:09,480
Speaker 1: was still in the game. Now I'm not dating at all.

774
00:41:09,520 --> 00:41:12,080
Speaker 1: I've decided close from the waist down whatever to be

775
00:41:12,120 --> 00:41:15,800
Speaker 1: opened again for the past probably seven years. Really, it's fantastic.

776
00:41:16,440 --> 00:41:19,120
Speaker 1: You don't have to do anything, no U T I S,

777
00:41:19,960 --> 00:41:24,600
Speaker 1: no pinch nerve in the neck. It's all fantastic. Oh,

778
00:41:24,760 --> 00:41:27,200
Speaker 1: I know it was terrible. No, wait, it's got to

779
00:41:27,239 --> 00:41:30,120
Speaker 1: be more than seven years. I'm celibate. It was my

780
00:41:30,239 --> 00:41:33,840
Speaker 1: last two years of marriage and then ten years after

781
00:41:34,320 --> 00:41:37,399
Speaker 1: twelve years nothing, it's fantastic. Are you flipping the bean

782
00:41:37,440 --> 00:41:39,640
Speaker 1: every now and then? Never? Really? Well, I think the

783
00:41:39,719 --> 00:41:43,319
Speaker 1: good thing happens when you hit menopause. That disappears your

784
00:41:43,440 --> 00:41:47,640
Speaker 1: urges and I'm like, dude, again, minimize the f out

785
00:41:47,640 --> 00:41:52,399
Speaker 1: of my sea. Just getting more accomplished now, I'm telling you,

786
00:41:52,719 --> 00:41:57,280
Speaker 1: it's really interesting what you take out that you don't miss. Yeah.

787
00:41:57,440 --> 00:41:59,600
Speaker 1: So I have two little donkeys and that's it. God,

788
00:41:59,640 --> 00:42:03,160
Speaker 1: I have no life. I've just discovered Russell has brought

789
00:42:03,160 --> 00:42:06,320
Speaker 1: to my attention. I thought I walked, I drove into

790
00:42:06,320 --> 00:42:11,200
Speaker 1: the driveway in my Baller Toyota Suv, and I thought

791
00:42:11,239 --> 00:42:14,240
Speaker 1: my life was better. Now it's it's come to my attention.

792
00:42:14,280 --> 00:42:17,000
Speaker 1: It's considerably worse, and I'm going to have to announce

793
00:42:17,040 --> 00:42:20,320
Speaker 1: my re entry into stand up comedy. She's gonna go

794
00:42:20,640 --> 00:42:22,120
Speaker 1: home and jerk off just to get just to get

795
00:42:22,120 --> 00:42:25,200
Speaker 1: back at everybody. Oh my god, boy, oh boy. Right,

796
00:42:25,280 --> 00:42:29,000
Speaker 1: Hello Vagina, my old friend. I don't think it was

797
00:42:29,080 --> 00:42:33,760
Speaker 1: ever considered a friend. Hello pussy, my old friend. God.

798
00:42:34,000 --> 00:42:40,920
Speaker 1: So you won't be singing for your future. I don't know, Russell.

799
00:42:40,960 --> 00:42:43,279
Speaker 1: It's a whole big journey, ain't it. Oh No, But

800
00:42:43,320 --> 00:42:45,520
Speaker 1: I only have one acting thing I'm proud of. I

801
00:42:45,600 --> 00:42:48,360
Speaker 1: actually had taken a bunch of classes because I had

802
00:42:48,360 --> 00:42:50,400
Speaker 1: said if anybody asked me to do anything, I'm not

803
00:42:50,440 --> 00:42:53,279
Speaker 1: going to show up unprepared. So I did an episode

804
00:42:53,360 --> 00:42:57,080
Speaker 1: of Two Broke Girls. Michael Patrick King called me and

805
00:42:57,120 --> 00:42:59,920
Speaker 1: he said, can you come on and play this pizza

806
00:43:00,040 --> 00:43:03,000
Speaker 1: shop owner and the whole episodes about you? So I

807
00:43:03,040 --> 00:43:05,759
Speaker 1: went and I got intensive training. I didn't want to

808
00:43:05,760 --> 00:43:07,680
Speaker 1: make a jerk out of him for calling me, because

809
00:43:07,760 --> 00:43:09,960
Speaker 1: it's mostly you don't want to shame your management or

810
00:43:10,000 --> 00:43:12,719
Speaker 1: people who give you a shot. I am so proud

811
00:43:12,760 --> 00:43:15,120
Speaker 1: of that. I was not only funny. I had a

812
00:43:15,160 --> 00:43:18,560
Speaker 1: little emotional moment I said, I'm retired from acting. Now

813
00:43:18,600 --> 00:43:21,600
Speaker 1: I did it, so done announcement at the end of

814
00:43:21,600 --> 00:43:23,759
Speaker 1: this No, if anybody wants to cast me, I do

815
00:43:23,960 --> 00:43:26,759
Speaker 1: take coaching very seriously now, so thank you, I will

816
00:43:26,840 --> 00:43:29,520
Speaker 1: get because you are her coach. I am well, half

817
00:43:29,560 --> 00:43:33,880
Speaker 1: asked one. Well, what happened was Russell? I felt I

818
00:43:33,920 --> 00:43:36,520
Speaker 1: had very a lot of advice to share with the

819
00:43:36,560 --> 00:43:39,760
Speaker 1: millennials of our day, of our day, and I tried

820
00:43:39,800 --> 00:43:43,240
Speaker 1: to become There was me on Two Broke Girls, right, yeah,

821
00:43:43,520 --> 00:43:48,920
Speaker 1: pretty badass, right, yeah? I love her. That's me with

822
00:43:49,000 --> 00:43:52,000
Speaker 1: Cat Dennings, who I also enjoy and she never dms

823
00:43:52,080 --> 00:43:54,440
Speaker 1: me back. I'm just gonna put it out there that

824
00:43:55,160 --> 00:43:58,040
Speaker 1: know what dems me back? What's happening now? I remember

825
00:43:58,120 --> 00:44:01,040
Speaker 1: I did a movie with her best So I did

826
00:44:01,040 --> 00:44:04,440
Speaker 1: a movie with her best No no, so the director

827
00:44:05,840 --> 00:44:09,600
Speaker 1: um was dating this girl. He married her subsequently, and uh,

828
00:44:09,800 --> 00:44:12,520
Speaker 1: she was best friends with Cat. She's so cool and

829
00:44:12,600 --> 00:44:14,360
Speaker 1: she would always tell me about Cat and I was like, well,

830
00:44:14,480 --> 00:44:17,560
Speaker 1: hook it up or something. And she's hot, she's thick

831
00:44:17,640 --> 00:44:20,440
Speaker 1: and all that good stuff. She's sassy. She has a

832
00:44:20,440 --> 00:44:23,279
Speaker 1: show called doll Face on Hulu, which, if she had

833
00:44:23,320 --> 00:44:25,680
Speaker 1: returned my d M S. I would have volunteered my

834
00:44:25,840 --> 00:44:29,919
Speaker 1: acting chops that I have so fully shown on Two

835
00:44:29,960 --> 00:44:33,239
Speaker 1: Broke Girls. That's all I'm saying. I'm putting it out there.

836
00:44:33,440 --> 00:44:37,960
Speaker 1: It's weird though, because with acting you don't it's very stressful,

837
00:44:38,000 --> 00:44:39,720
Speaker 1: but you almost feel like because you're doing something different

838
00:44:39,760 --> 00:44:42,440
Speaker 1: than your usual job, Like it's kind of get irritated.

839
00:44:42,520 --> 00:44:46,040
Speaker 1: I get irritated acting, not the acting, just the fucking waiting.

840
00:44:46,120 --> 00:44:50,520
Speaker 1: I I can't stand it. And I'm like, really, motherfucker's

841
00:44:50,520 --> 00:44:53,360
Speaker 1: I'd be like, Okay, Russell, your called time at seven am,

842
00:44:53,480 --> 00:44:56,239
Speaker 1: we'll pick up. It's at six It's ten minutes to

843
00:44:56,239 --> 00:44:58,279
Speaker 1: the fucking set. I know. They don't get it. And

844
00:44:58,280 --> 00:45:00,360
Speaker 1: then they're like, and I look at the set schedule

845
00:45:00,400 --> 00:45:03,120
Speaker 1: and I'm like, you're not getting to me until after lunch.

846
00:45:03,200 --> 00:45:05,160
Speaker 1: Why are you making me coming at seven am? Well

847
00:45:05,200 --> 00:45:08,120
Speaker 1: we might know you never fucking might? They never? Always.

848
00:45:08,160 --> 00:45:10,720
Speaker 1: The next day, yeah, Like and I call my manager

849
00:45:10,760 --> 00:45:12,439
Speaker 1: Paully over there, and I'm like, Paully, what the fund

850
00:45:12,480 --> 00:45:15,560
Speaker 1: can you? Can you fix this? Paully's a douchebag man.

851
00:45:16,360 --> 00:45:18,520
Speaker 1: I think we've learned Pauli's useless as a tit on

852
00:45:18,560 --> 00:45:20,960
Speaker 1: a bull As saying the old day, Well, you don't

853
00:45:21,000 --> 00:45:24,040
Speaker 1: what the best acting jobs are talking about killing it

854
00:45:24,760 --> 00:45:27,920
Speaker 1: freaking animated ship because you don't have to get in

855
00:45:27,960 --> 00:45:30,799
Speaker 1: hair or makeup. You can be fat then whatever you are.

856
00:45:31,000 --> 00:45:32,839
Speaker 1: You go in there, you tape it, and you're done.

857
00:45:33,040 --> 00:45:36,680
Speaker 1: But I have a very famous firing from a animated show,

858
00:45:36,719 --> 00:45:41,600
Speaker 1: which is awesome. I was cast as the new villain

859
00:45:42,080 --> 00:45:45,719
Speaker 1: in Despicable Me three. It was gonna be so I

860
00:45:45,800 --> 00:45:48,520
Speaker 1: go in there. I'm like, wow, look at me. I

861
00:45:48,680 --> 00:45:52,400
Speaker 1: tape it. It's all classy. They go they call like

862
00:45:52,440 --> 00:45:54,960
Speaker 1: they're like, you killed it. Oh my god, it was fantastic.

863
00:45:55,239 --> 00:45:57,319
Speaker 1: They called me like two weeks later. My manager was, yeah,

864
00:45:57,320 --> 00:45:58,719
Speaker 1: they want you to redo it. I said with the

865
00:45:58,719 --> 00:46:01,160
Speaker 1: director loved it. She goes, yeah, but they want you

866
00:46:01,200 --> 00:46:04,040
Speaker 1: to redo it. Well, I go, this is the end.

867
00:46:04,160 --> 00:46:06,160
Speaker 1: They're gonna fire me. Like you just know they're gonna

868
00:46:06,200 --> 00:46:09,600
Speaker 1: fire you. So I get acting coached, I get the

869
00:46:09,640 --> 00:46:12,120
Speaker 1: scenes down, I'm all excited. I tape them again. I

870
00:46:12,160 --> 00:46:13,799
Speaker 1: even have the acting coach come with me to the

871
00:46:13,840 --> 00:46:16,560
Speaker 1: little taping to read the lines with me. And I

872
00:46:16,400 --> 00:46:18,440
Speaker 1: know I'm getting fired for sure, but I said, let

873
00:46:18,440 --> 00:46:20,560
Speaker 1: me make an effort two days later, I get the

874
00:46:20,600 --> 00:46:22,879
Speaker 1: call I go I'm fired off Despicable of the three

875
00:46:22,920 --> 00:46:25,239
Speaker 1: right and shows. Yeah, they're gonna go with someone who

876
00:46:25,520 --> 00:46:28,800
Speaker 1: fits in better with like the you know Steve Correll,

877
00:46:28,880 --> 00:46:31,520
Speaker 1: this one, that one. So they made the right choice

878
00:46:31,560 --> 00:46:34,680
Speaker 1: for them. Definitely, the movie was great. Guess who has

879
00:46:34,800 --> 00:46:40,800
Speaker 1: the last fucking laugh? LLL stills get checks, get checks,

880
00:46:40,840 --> 00:46:47,520
Speaker 1: fired from a show that I have to wear makeup for, bitch,

881
00:46:47,960 --> 00:46:52,480
Speaker 1: that's the best job ever. Tell you all. If you're listening,

882
00:46:53,120 --> 00:46:57,239
Speaker 1: all you aspiring actresses get fired and then paid, then

883
00:46:57,280 --> 00:46:59,719
Speaker 1: say someone me too? Do Just saying that will add

884
00:46:59,760 --> 00:47:02,040
Speaker 1: a little lecture. I never was me too, but I

885
00:47:01,920 --> 00:47:04,720
Speaker 1: imagine it's horrible. But if you have been me to

886
00:47:05,000 --> 00:47:08,799
Speaker 1: enjoy getting some money, that's all I'm saying. Did you

887
00:47:08,880 --> 00:47:10,840
Speaker 1: meet to a lot of people, Russell, I imagine you

888
00:47:10,880 --> 00:47:13,120
Speaker 1: did know. I was never that. I'm not an aggressive guy.

889
00:47:13,160 --> 00:47:15,640
Speaker 1: I'm I I got too much of a pussy. No,

890
00:47:16,160 --> 00:47:19,600
Speaker 1: I'm more of a I'm I'm more of a My ego.

891
00:47:19,840 --> 00:47:22,640
Speaker 1: My ego is that if she doesn't want to suck me,

892
00:47:22,680 --> 00:47:24,880
Speaker 1: I don't want to suck her exactly. That's why we

893
00:47:24,960 --> 00:47:28,520
Speaker 1: never had sex. That's right, Neither neither one of us

894
00:47:28,560 --> 00:47:30,560
Speaker 1: wanted it. Oh we did on the tour bus. You

895
00:47:30,640 --> 00:47:33,000
Speaker 1: were asleep one time. Listen. Let me tell you I

896
00:47:33,120 --> 00:47:35,640
Speaker 1: enjoyed it, and I was and I was limpinently that

897
00:47:35,760 --> 00:47:40,520
Speaker 1: night exactly. Well, I will tell you I used to

898
00:47:40,520 --> 00:47:42,480
Speaker 1: make a joke, which I would never do these days.

899
00:47:43,640 --> 00:47:49,319
Speaker 1: I said, why not me? Like no one ever? Me too? Me?

900
00:47:49,440 --> 00:47:52,640
Speaker 1: And while I acknowledge it's a huge blessing, what was

901
00:47:52,680 --> 00:47:56,000
Speaker 1: wrong with me? Russell? What happened? I even as a child,

902
00:47:56,040 --> 00:47:58,520
Speaker 1: I was a Catholic, I was an altar girl. Nothing

903
00:47:59,440 --> 00:48:01,080
Speaker 1: I mentioned this in my act right now, I mean,

904
00:48:01,320 --> 00:48:02,880
Speaker 1: did you do that? You know? I say that, you

905
00:48:02,920 --> 00:48:04,719
Speaker 1: know I was like, you know, I'm sure kids got

906
00:48:04,760 --> 00:48:06,719
Speaker 1: kidnapped in the seventies when I was a kid, and

907
00:48:06,800 --> 00:48:08,799
Speaker 1: when they and I'm sure kids got molested, but not

908
00:48:08,920 --> 00:48:10,640
Speaker 1: around and I, I go to be honest, I was

909
00:48:10,680 --> 00:48:13,279
Speaker 1: a really cute kid. I was fully molestable. I think

910
00:48:13,280 --> 00:48:15,840
Speaker 1: you were too. I've seen photos. I was like, I

911
00:48:16,200 --> 00:48:20,799
Speaker 1: touched me, you you you I was a cute I

912
00:48:20,840 --> 00:48:23,319
Speaker 1: was not as cute a kid as I'm sure you were.

913
00:48:23,840 --> 00:48:26,480
Speaker 1: So I give them a pass because back then, like

914
00:48:26,560 --> 00:48:29,319
Speaker 1: Marcia Brady was big. So you go, well, I can

915
00:48:29,400 --> 00:48:31,759
Speaker 1: have her or I can have Lisa. You're going to

916
00:48:31,880 --> 00:48:41,640
Speaker 1: take yes, not anymore? No in your hair, But yeah,

917
00:48:42,160 --> 00:48:44,200
Speaker 1: what can you do? That's why I always said my

918
00:48:44,239 --> 00:48:47,520
Speaker 1: career got stunted because I was never molested or abused. Yeah,

919
00:48:47,560 --> 00:48:49,800
Speaker 1: you have nothing to complain about it. I was I

920
00:48:49,840 --> 00:48:51,920
Speaker 1: but I did do with a lot of racism and bullying.

921
00:48:51,920 --> 00:48:54,640
Speaker 1: But apparently nobody gives a funk about that. I would

922
00:48:54,640 --> 00:48:58,439
Speaker 1: think as a person of your ethnicity, you could work

923
00:48:58,480 --> 00:49:00,600
Speaker 1: that up into a ted talk about how you had

924
00:49:00,640 --> 00:49:04,080
Speaker 1: it hard. I did. Emotionally, I had it hard, not

925
00:49:04,400 --> 00:49:06,600
Speaker 1: but I always talked about because I was. I always

926
00:49:06,640 --> 00:49:09,759
Speaker 1: had like a an innate happiness about me that no

927
00:49:09,800 --> 00:49:12,120
Speaker 1: matter what the bullshit was happening, I still had this

928
00:49:12,760 --> 00:49:16,120
Speaker 1: happiness about me. What I like. Yeah, they couldn't blow

929
00:49:16,160 --> 00:49:19,120
Speaker 1: out my fire until I met my son's mother, and

930
00:49:19,160 --> 00:49:22,960
Speaker 1: then that then blew the funk out of my my fire.

931
00:49:23,040 --> 00:49:25,880
Speaker 1: I was. I was literally emotionally dead at that time. Wow,

932
00:49:26,360 --> 00:49:28,480
Speaker 1: I think you gotta do see if you want to up,

933
00:49:29,080 --> 00:49:32,279
Speaker 1: you don't need to up your career. I think if

934
00:49:32,320 --> 00:49:35,200
Speaker 1: you ever want to be the guy who benefits from

935
00:49:35,239 --> 00:49:38,080
Speaker 1: all your strife and troubles, got to do a ted

936
00:49:38,120 --> 00:49:43,160
Speaker 1: talk talk. Yeah about like I'm a poor guy Indian

937
00:49:43,400 --> 00:49:45,840
Speaker 1: that hold this, that the other, and you're done. But

938
00:49:45,840 --> 00:49:48,279
Speaker 1: I don't should have been on that? What am I

939
00:49:48,320 --> 00:49:51,640
Speaker 1: here for career advice? Yeah? Well the reason you guys

940
00:49:51,640 --> 00:49:54,440
Speaker 1: are here listening to me my life coach Lisa. Well, yes,

941
00:49:54,480 --> 00:49:56,360
Speaker 1: but that's why what you asked me about being a coach.

942
00:49:56,640 --> 00:49:59,320
Speaker 1: So I'm on stern. I think, oh I can help people.

943
00:49:59,320 --> 00:50:01,880
Speaker 1: I'm going to become life coach. Dude. I go to

944
00:50:01,920 --> 00:50:05,280
Speaker 1: take this course, it takes three years. After a while,

945
00:50:05,480 --> 00:50:09,920
Speaker 1: you get practice clients these terms. Don't take my advice.

946
00:50:10,040 --> 00:50:12,759
Speaker 1: I take it very personally. So here's what I do.

947
00:50:12,960 --> 00:50:16,320
Speaker 1: I quit, I say stuff the rest of that fucking course.

948
00:50:16,400 --> 00:50:18,839
Speaker 1: I don't care about it, And I say I don't

949
00:50:18,840 --> 00:50:22,040
Speaker 1: want to coach people through on their terms. I just

950
00:50:22,160 --> 00:50:24,200
Speaker 1: want to give advice and if they take it, great,

951
00:50:24,239 --> 00:50:26,120
Speaker 1: If they don't, that's fine too. How do they have

952
00:50:26,120 --> 00:50:28,760
Speaker 1: a course for that? No, there's tons of them, because

953
00:50:30,920 --> 00:50:35,360
Speaker 1: I mean, you could use you can get a certificate online.

954
00:50:35,360 --> 00:50:37,120
Speaker 1: But I wanted to fully do it where I could

955
00:50:37,120 --> 00:50:39,960
Speaker 1: actually help people in their journey of whatever they need

956
00:50:40,000 --> 00:50:42,400
Speaker 1: to do. But then I go, wait a minute I

957
00:50:42,480 --> 00:50:45,440
Speaker 1: get too frustrated. I don't have the emotional wherewithal to

958
00:50:45,520 --> 00:50:47,960
Speaker 1: stick with helping a person who doesn't want to help

959
00:50:48,000 --> 00:50:50,680
Speaker 1: themselves or has to go at a slower pace. I'm

960
00:50:50,680 --> 00:50:55,120
Speaker 1: super demanding. I like them listening to me, so basically

961
00:50:55,160 --> 00:50:58,000
Speaker 1: now on the podcast, I give the guys advice and

962
00:50:58,040 --> 00:50:59,920
Speaker 1: I'm like, if you don't take it, you're a fucking idiot.

963
00:51:00,800 --> 00:51:03,319
Speaker 1: I clearly am richer and cooler and more famous than

964
00:51:03,360 --> 00:51:06,320
Speaker 1: you'll ever be, so you should really do what I say.

965
00:51:06,480 --> 00:51:09,000
Speaker 1: And I think that's kind of my calling right now.

966
00:51:09,120 --> 00:51:13,840
Speaker 1: Do what I say, you fucking loserses And they actually

967
00:51:13,920 --> 00:51:16,120
Speaker 1: do follow everything I say, because if not, this is

968
00:51:16,160 --> 00:51:18,480
Speaker 1: my threat to them. I go, you don't have to

969
00:51:18,520 --> 00:51:20,920
Speaker 1: do what I say on stage, you don't have to

970
00:51:20,920 --> 00:51:22,880
Speaker 1: take my advice. But then I'm just gonna quit your

971
00:51:22,920 --> 00:51:25,680
Speaker 1: dumb podcast and no one's gonna listen. So I think

972
00:51:25,719 --> 00:51:28,440
Speaker 1: basically I've had them hog tied to give me purpose

973
00:51:28,480 --> 00:51:31,120
Speaker 1: in my life. She's the best. I am the best.

974
00:51:32,960 --> 00:51:35,359
Speaker 1: Let me tell you something. Just talking to you right

975
00:51:35,360 --> 00:51:37,439
Speaker 1: now makes me so happy. I thought you're gonna say

976
00:51:37,440 --> 00:51:41,840
Speaker 1: hard and no, that would never happen. Doesn't really like

977
00:51:42,360 --> 00:51:44,800
Speaker 1: it really does like just just because I've I've fucking

978
00:51:44,880 --> 00:51:47,680
Speaker 1: genuinely missed you. Oh, I do like you so much.

979
00:51:47,760 --> 00:51:50,000
Speaker 1: I'm driving up thinking, wow, you know what he could

980
00:51:50,040 --> 00:51:53,319
Speaker 1: do better than this house? But then I thought. The

981
00:51:53,360 --> 00:51:55,560
Speaker 1: second thing I thought was I cannot believe it's been

982
00:51:55,600 --> 00:51:57,680
Speaker 1: so long since I saw you. It's been at least

983
00:51:57,719 --> 00:52:01,200
Speaker 1: ten years. Yeah, now you knew fat leet uh. I

984
00:52:01,200 --> 00:52:04,480
Speaker 1: thought Fat Lisa was pretty sexy, freaking killing it on

985
00:52:04,520 --> 00:52:08,239
Speaker 1: all levels. Man. I got two d M s from

986
00:52:08,280 --> 00:52:12,000
Speaker 1: black guys today saying, Hey, I'd like to take you

987
00:52:12,000 --> 00:52:14,600
Speaker 1: out to dinner because they know since retirement that I

988
00:52:14,640 --> 00:52:17,440
Speaker 1: am very much non approachable unless you come at me

989
00:52:17,480 --> 00:52:19,880
Speaker 1: like a gentleman. They don't know I'm closed for business

990
00:52:19,960 --> 00:52:23,239
Speaker 1: in that under region, so I said, though seeing those

991
00:52:23,480 --> 00:52:28,080
Speaker 1: russell I did say, I still it's true. You might

992
00:52:28,080 --> 00:52:30,840
Speaker 1: want to have one last harass somewhere sometime happened. I

993
00:52:30,880 --> 00:52:33,399
Speaker 1: think I have to become emotionally available, because I think

994
00:52:33,440 --> 00:52:35,279
Speaker 1: what it is is basically, when you have a couple

995
00:52:35,320 --> 00:52:39,239
Speaker 1: of divorces, you kind of you're married just twice and

996
00:52:39,280 --> 00:52:42,520
Speaker 1: you just go to yourself. Well, maybe it's not worth

997
00:52:42,600 --> 00:52:45,719
Speaker 1: going around that thing again. Who knows? So suppose I

998
00:52:45,800 --> 00:52:48,840
Speaker 1: keep working on myself. Suppose I say to myself, Lisa,

999
00:52:49,160 --> 00:52:53,759
Speaker 1: you are now ready to take got chance again like

1000
00:52:53,840 --> 00:52:56,880
Speaker 1: Barry Mantle? Is that why not? I might be eighty

1001
00:52:57,080 --> 00:52:59,239
Speaker 1: and married and be on dancing with stars. You never

1002
00:52:59,280 --> 00:53:01,799
Speaker 1: freaking know w'll be good. I'm a ballroom dancer. Did

1003
00:53:01,840 --> 00:53:05,279
Speaker 1: I tell you you're a very rock headish? I do

1004
00:53:05,440 --> 00:53:08,440
Speaker 1: ballroom dance very bad, twice a week. I have little hobbies.

1005
00:53:08,440 --> 00:53:10,399
Speaker 1: Are doing a little Arthur Murray dance. You know it's

1006
00:53:10,400 --> 00:53:14,480
Speaker 1: Fredis Stare, Yes, Fredis Stair dance. And what's so hilarious

1007
00:53:14,520 --> 00:53:17,319
Speaker 1: about it? Dude? I'm awful and don't care. I think

1008
00:53:17,360 --> 00:53:19,640
Speaker 1: the whole point is we have to try new things,

1009
00:53:19,920 --> 00:53:22,120
Speaker 1: suck at it and have fun. So that's what I'm

1010
00:53:22,160 --> 00:53:24,239
Speaker 1: trying to do with my dumb life right now. I

1011
00:53:24,280 --> 00:53:27,000
Speaker 1: got thirty years left, no kids, So you're good. I'm

1012
00:53:27,040 --> 00:53:31,080
Speaker 1: so lucky. You really are. People go you know your kids?

1013
00:53:31,360 --> 00:53:33,520
Speaker 1: I'm like, no, I love my kids, but they're really

1014
00:53:33,560 --> 00:53:37,440
Speaker 1: not fucking worth it. You know when it'll be worth it, Russell,

1015
00:53:37,520 --> 00:53:40,839
Speaker 1: when you have grandkids. I won't see them. Why I'm

1016
00:53:40,920 --> 00:53:43,360
Speaker 1: fifty one years old. My son's too. I'm not gonna

1017
00:53:43,400 --> 00:53:48,600
Speaker 1: sevent he better not have kids. You're half Indian. He's

1018
00:53:48,680 --> 00:53:55,720
Speaker 1: knocking some broad up. It's happening. Yeah, yeah, second grade

1019
00:53:55,840 --> 00:53:58,680
Speaker 1: is the cap on that. Yeah, my daughter maybe I

1020
00:53:58,680 --> 00:54:01,800
Speaker 1: don't know, but we don't know it. She likes rainbows,

1021
00:54:01,880 --> 00:54:05,279
Speaker 1: is all I'm saying. Oh, well they can adopt. I mean,

1022
00:54:05,320 --> 00:54:08,160
Speaker 1: you know, you know, I'd rather she made one or

1023
00:54:08,200 --> 00:54:10,320
Speaker 1: not had one. You know, Yeah, well here's and I

1024
00:54:10,480 --> 00:54:12,839
Speaker 1: bet if she's going that way, that's fine too. As

1025
00:54:12,840 --> 00:54:14,959
Speaker 1: a father, like that doesn't really matter. At some point,

1026
00:54:14,960 --> 00:54:16,680
Speaker 1: you just give up. No, it doesn't matter to me.

1027
00:54:16,760 --> 00:54:18,239
Speaker 1: I like if the kids gay or not. I really

1028
00:54:18,280 --> 00:54:21,799
Speaker 1: don't understand that. When I meet parents are like begin

1029
00:54:21,840 --> 00:54:25,160
Speaker 1: like the best sons ever because they take care of

1030
00:54:25,160 --> 00:54:28,880
Speaker 1: you when you're sick. Diference, It doesn't make a difference.

1031
00:54:28,920 --> 00:54:32,279
Speaker 1: Son is the best accessory because he will not only

1032
00:54:32,320 --> 00:54:35,000
Speaker 1: help you pick out your clothes, decorate your house, he

1033
00:54:35,120 --> 00:54:37,719
Speaker 1: will wipe your ass when you have cancer. I'm telling you,

1034
00:54:37,760 --> 00:54:40,279
Speaker 1: I've witnessed it many times, not the actual wiping, but

1035
00:54:40,400 --> 00:54:42,919
Speaker 1: the gay men who do this for their parents. It's

1036
00:54:42,960 --> 00:54:46,440
Speaker 1: like very astounding. Yeah, it's very difficult. As straight people,

1037
00:54:46,480 --> 00:54:48,759
Speaker 1: we don't do that as much. And that I know

1038
00:54:48,840 --> 00:54:51,759
Speaker 1: that's the stereotype. But I have freaking people in my

1039
00:54:51,840 --> 00:54:57,399
Speaker 1: life who've wiped a non gay parents ass just saying well,

1040
00:54:57,640 --> 00:55:02,399
Speaker 1: you know, I've got some practice. I suppose. Well, yes,

1041
00:55:02,440 --> 00:55:04,840
Speaker 1: that is true, and you know, and ass isn't going

1042
00:55:04,920 --> 00:55:08,120
Speaker 1: to scare them nothing, nothing. They enjoy that very much.

1043
00:55:08,520 --> 00:55:10,480
Speaker 1: I always liked when a guy, a gay guy in

1044
00:55:10,480 --> 00:55:15,360
Speaker 1: the audience, was named Scott because I said, like like

1045
00:55:15,400 --> 00:55:17,920
Speaker 1: the toilet paper, because they like the ass. They like

1046
00:55:18,000 --> 00:55:22,480
Speaker 1: being close to the ass. Hey, thanks for listening. I

1047
00:55:22,520 --> 00:55:26,040
Speaker 1: hope you enjoyed this conversation. If you like the podcast,

1048
00:55:26,120 --> 00:55:28,200
Speaker 1: please be sure to rate and review it on Apple

1049
00:55:28,239 --> 00:55:30,759
Speaker 1: Podcasts so more people can find out about it. And

1050
00:55:30,800 --> 00:55:33,120
Speaker 1: if you didn't like it, go fuck yourself and follow

1051
00:55:33,200 --> 00:55:36,560
Speaker 1: us on Instagram and culturally Canceled and culturally RP on Twitter.

1052
00:55:36,960 --> 00:55:38,520
Speaker 1: We're also on YouTube. If you want to see what

1053
00:55:38,560 --> 00:55:40,359
Speaker 1: the backyard kind of looks like. You don't really see

1054
00:55:40,400 --> 00:55:42,480
Speaker 1: the backyard looks like. You just see where my smoking

1055
00:55:42,520 --> 00:55:45,239
Speaker 1: section looks like. And you can probably sneak a peek

1056
00:55:45,239 --> 00:55:47,719
Speaker 1: in the house. You're a weirdo. Also, we have a

1057
00:55:47,719 --> 00:55:50,360
Speaker 1: phone line now, so call and leave a message. You

1058
00:55:50,400 --> 00:55:52,120
Speaker 1: can ask me about whatever you want. To ask me

1059
00:55:52,120 --> 00:55:55,960
Speaker 1: about hip hop, parenting, food boxing, mm A, relationships, comedy, sex,

1060
00:55:56,000 --> 00:55:57,480
Speaker 1: so I don't give a ship. Ask me whatever you

1061
00:55:57,520 --> 00:56:00,320
Speaker 1: want and I'll do my best to answer your question.

1062
00:56:00,960 --> 00:56:02,720
Speaker 1: If you want to leave a message, the phone number

1063
00:56:02,840 --> 00:56:08,160
Speaker 1: is four two four six six six three. That's four

1064
00:56:08,280 --> 00:56:12,759
Speaker 1: two four six six six nine until next week. I

1065
00:56:13,000 --> 00:56:17,360
Speaker 1: murderous pets U