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Speaker 1: Brought to you by the reinvented two thousand twelve Camray.

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Speaker 1: It's ready. Are you welcome to Stuff Mom Never Told You?

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Speaker 1: From House top Works dot Com. Hello, and welcome to

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Speaker 1: the podcast. I'm Kristen and I'm Molly Molly on Stuff

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Speaker 1: Mom Never Told You. We have talked a lot about

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Speaker 1: as e X sex sex, that's what I can sell. Yes, Um,

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Speaker 1: we've talked about different sexual orientations, different facets of the

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Speaker 1: mechanics of sex, and today we're gonna kind of talk

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Speaker 1: about the other side of the coin, lack of sex, well,

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Speaker 1: not just lack of sex, lack of a sexual attraction

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Speaker 1: to anyone. A sexuality, Yes, because a lot of times,

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Speaker 1: well at least for me, the first time I heard

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Speaker 1: about a sexuality was in reference to a sexual reproduction

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Speaker 1: in the animal kingdom, to good old biology, old biology.

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Speaker 1: But human a sexuality is a little bit different. It is.

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Speaker 1: And you know, we've talked about celibacy and people who

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Speaker 1: abstained from a sexual intercourse for one reason or the other.

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Speaker 1: This is different because it's not, you know, as as

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Speaker 1: a sexualist, but it's not a choice. It's not like

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Speaker 1: it's it's you know, how someone would say it's not

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Speaker 1: like I decided to be straight or gay. It's just

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Speaker 1: how I was, and that's you know, they're saying, that's

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Speaker 1: how I am. I have no desire to have sex

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Speaker 1: with men, women, anyone. So from around two thousand three

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Speaker 1: to two thousand six, there was a lot of media

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Speaker 1: attention given to a sexuality. There was this idea that

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Speaker 1: there was going to be some kind of a sexual

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Speaker 1: revolution where a lot of people who identified as a

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Speaker 1: sexual would come out of the closet, if you will,

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Speaker 1: and a lot of it was due to two main things.

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Speaker 1: There was a study that came out from a researcher

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Speaker 1: last named Bogart who he examined a large scale survey

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Speaker 1: of people in the UK and concluded that around one

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Speaker 1: percent of the population is a sexual. Right there was

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Speaker 1: you know, they've done the survey for some other reason,

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Speaker 1: and they asked all these questions like I am attracted

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Speaker 1: to women, I am attracted to men, I am attracted

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Speaker 1: to no one, And he was surprised that no one

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Speaker 1: had picked up on how many people said that they

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Speaker 1: had never felt an attraction to anyone. And so from

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Speaker 1: that he started extra playing this other other stuff and said,

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Speaker 1: you know what, we've got this underground community of people

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Speaker 1: who don't want to have sex, and he thought he

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Speaker 1: put he put the number one percent of the population.

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Speaker 1: And right around that time, this corone quote a sexual

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Speaker 1: movement got a leader in the form of David J,

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Speaker 1: who was the head of a website called a Sexuality

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Speaker 1: Visibility and Education Network or a v N. And this

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Speaker 1: was he was pretty much a spokesperson for a sexuality

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Speaker 1: And all of these media trend stories, I mean I

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Speaker 1: really could not find one that didn't mention David J.

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Speaker 1: And he was all about coming out and talking about um,

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Speaker 1: a sexuality and being quote unquote a sexy and where

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Speaker 1: he there's a photo of him with a T shirt

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Speaker 1: on UM that says, this is what an a sexual

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Speaker 1: looks like, kind of a play on this is what

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Speaker 1: a feminist looks like. And in one main story that

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Speaker 1: we found from the New Scientists, they point out that

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Speaker 1: he has quote Greek god lips um. Obviously, you know

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Speaker 1: he could go out if you wanted to and perhaps, um,

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Speaker 1: I find a partner, find a partner exactly, But David

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Speaker 1: J says, no, I'm a sexual. I have no sexual

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Speaker 1: attraction towards anyone. So that that just kicked off all

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Speaker 1: of these shrewd stories about a sexuality and kind of

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Speaker 1: determining what it is, because aside from a lack of

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Speaker 1: sexual attraction for someone else, there isn't a really hard

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Speaker 1: and fast definition, right, So I mean, as we kind

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Speaker 1: of explore this more, I think there'll be a lot

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Speaker 1: of it. Does I think raise more questions than answers sometimes,

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Speaker 1: but uh, we're gonna try and dive in and see

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Speaker 1: what we can determine about a sexuality because, like Kristen said,

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Speaker 1: you know, the first I think the first question this

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Speaker 1: reporter for New Scientists had was are these just people

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Speaker 1: who have had bad luck and love? Are they going

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Speaker 1: to withdraw from the world and just say I'm a sexual,

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Speaker 1: just leave me alone. It's easier to be a sexual

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Speaker 1: than to be out there pursuing love. And that's not

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Speaker 1: what these people are. They a legitimate, legitimate lack of

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Speaker 1: desire to have sex with another person. And that's going

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Speaker 1: to raise up this chorus of people from the medical

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Speaker 1: community who's like, well, that's a that's a medical problem.

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Speaker 1: You know, if you don't have a sexual desire, it

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Speaker 1: starts to get lumped in with sexual desire disorders. And

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Speaker 1: these people are saying, no, it's not not a disorder,

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Speaker 1: it's it's just who I am. And I think to

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Speaker 1: keep things off, we should bring up the definition of

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Speaker 1: a sexuality from the a Sexual Visibility and Education Network

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Speaker 1: to give you an idea of what a sexuality is

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Speaker 1: from the community's perspective. And they say, this is a

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Speaker 1: quote from their website that um and a sexual is

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Speaker 1: someone who does not experience sexual attraction. Like we've said,

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Speaker 1: unlike celibacy, which people choose, a sexuality is an intrinsic

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Speaker 1: part of who we are. It doesn't make our lives

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Speaker 1: any worse ort any better. We just faced a different

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Speaker 1: set of challenges than most sexual people. And when it

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Speaker 1: comes to scientific research on a sexuality, it is a

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Speaker 1: very very small pool to pull from because aside from

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Speaker 1: that Bogart survey that we mentioned, uh, there is another

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Speaker 1: paper that came out. It was published in two thousand

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Speaker 1: six from Nicole Prowse entitled A Sexuality Classification and Characterization,

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Speaker 1: where she actually goes out whereas Bogart took a just

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Speaker 1: a survey of from the standard population and then kind

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Speaker 1: of extrapolate data from it, Prowesse actually went out in

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Speaker 1: search of people who identified as a sexual to UM

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Speaker 1: pinned down their miographic. But you know, both of those

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Speaker 1: studies are self reporting. It's about, you know, their own

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Speaker 1: perspective on being a sexual, and there's a lack of

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Speaker 1: scientific studies on you know, people who identify as a sexual.

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Speaker 1: You know, one thing that they think they might do

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Speaker 1: in the future is take hormone counts to see if

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Speaker 1: something is off. But these people who are a sexual

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Speaker 1: are saying, no, we don't need to do things like that.

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Speaker 1: Nothing is off. This is who we are. We want

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Speaker 1: to recognize as a sexual orientation that's as you know,

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Speaker 1: intrinsic in our culture as heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality. So that's

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Speaker 1: sort of you know, these two starlingforces. We've got the

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Speaker 1: people who are trying to figure out, you know, quote

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Speaker 1: unquote what's wrong with these people, and the other side saying,

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Speaker 1: there's nothing wrong with us. This is just just who we are.

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Speaker 1: Um you know, we're here, live with it now. From

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Speaker 1: a clinical perspective, there is something in the Diagnostic and

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Speaker 1: Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders termed the hyperactive sexual desire disorder,

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Speaker 1: and it's basically when you have no sex drive and

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Speaker 1: some people might mistake that clinical disorder for a sexuality,

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Speaker 1: but A sexuals would say, no, we know, we don't

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Speaker 1: feel like there's anything actually wrong with us. It's not

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Speaker 1: causing us any kind of the stress. It's simply a

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Speaker 1: part of our life. And so the distinction between the

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Speaker 1: two if you're if you're out there trying to figure

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Speaker 1: out if you just are a sexual or have a

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Speaker 1: lack of sexual desire, it's it becomes how it affects

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Speaker 1: your life. If you're married and you know you and

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Speaker 1: your husband are always fighting because you don't want to

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Speaker 1: have sex, that might be a problem of sexual desire,

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Speaker 1: as if and if you never ever wanted to have sex,

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Speaker 1: that's more a sexuality. Am I getting that right? Christen?

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Speaker 1: I think you're getting it right. And uh. One big

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Speaker 1: finding from the Nicole Prows two thousand six study was

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Speaker 1: that a lot of the A sexuals that she talked

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Speaker 1: to had had some kind of sexual experience, whether it

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Speaker 1: was just kissing someone or actually having intercourse or masturbating,

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Speaker 1: and the experience was and you know, it didn't traumatize them.

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Speaker 1: That's the other question I think a lot of people ask,

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Speaker 1: is you know, is there some sort of childhood trauma

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Speaker 1: that made them, you know, just turn off of people

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Speaker 1: and turn off of sex. And you know they say that,

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Speaker 1: you know, they'll experience it, and it's just it's nothing.

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Speaker 1: It's not positive, it's not negative. It's just an interesting

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Speaker 1: to them. And uh and so that's where things start

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Speaker 1: to get I don't know, I think just hard for

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Speaker 1: people to figure out. Because another thing that we did

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Speaker 1: find out that that comes up in all these trend

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Speaker 1: pieces that as Kristen mentioned, you know, we're just concentrated

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Speaker 1: in a period of three years, is that they do

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Speaker 1: sometimes feel the elements of physical desire. The men get erections,

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Speaker 1: they may masturbate, but they say it's just not linked

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Speaker 1: to sexual attraction to another person, right. And we even

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Speaker 1: found a story about a couple um published in The

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Speaker 1: Guardian who got married. It was an a sexual guy

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Speaker 1: as a sexual girl. They had an amazing deep friendship

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Speaker 1: and I think they kiss every now and then and

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Speaker 1: kind of cuddle a little bit, but other than that,

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Speaker 1: they there's no no hanky panky whatsoever. That they've been

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Speaker 1: married for a little while now and they're both still virgins,

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Speaker 1: and that's why I think it can get a little tricky.

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Speaker 1: Is that people in this community have said within a

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Speaker 1: sexuality there can be romantic drives that are totally separate

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Speaker 1: from sexual drives. And I think that in our culture

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Speaker 1: we do tend to link the two. When we feel

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Speaker 1: romantic towards a person, we want to have sex with them.

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Speaker 1: But these people are saying, I don't want to have

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Speaker 1: sex ever, But if I am attracted to people, I'm

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Speaker 1: more or less attracted to men, are more or less

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Speaker 1: attracted to women, And they say these are their romantic drives,

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Speaker 1: not their sexual drives. And they want to form these

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Speaker 1: long monogamous bonds with one person, but just that bond

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Speaker 1: will never include sex. And because of the online network

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Speaker 1: the David Jay's put together, as Kristin mentioned, these people

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Speaker 1: can find each other a little bit more and uh,

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Speaker 1: and you know that's luckily a kind of relationship. You

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Speaker 1: don't have to have that conversation like, by the way,

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Speaker 1: we're not having sex whatever. But there are some people

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Speaker 1: who you know are out there in the world and

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Speaker 1: you know that date rolls around where you've got to

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Speaker 1: have that talk. And uh, that's when they got to

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Speaker 1: bring up to a sexuality. So, speaking of the a

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Speaker 1: sexual community, there was a notable difference between the findings

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Speaker 1: from the initial bog Art study that fail or at

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Speaker 1: least concluded that one person of the population is a sexual,

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Speaker 1: and then the Prows survey that really analyzed who these

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Speaker 1: a sexuals are in terms of male, female age, all

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Speaker 1: of that. And in the bog Art survey, uh, he

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Speaker 1: the demographic that he paints for a sexuals is not

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Speaker 1: the most flattering. Basically, he said, the variables predicting a

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Speaker 1: sexual classification include mostly female, and they're older, generally single,

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Speaker 1: tend to be quite really legious. They are short and

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Speaker 1: poorly educated and poor in general, kind of sickly and

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Speaker 1: had a late first period. And see, I read that

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Speaker 1: description after reading all of these trend pieces that we

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Speaker 1: pulled up, and all the trend pieces always talk about

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Speaker 1: the attractive male, the attractive male face of the a

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Speaker 1: sexual community. So I think that, I mean, I think

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Speaker 1: that if you read the bog Art description of the

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Speaker 1: typical a sexual, I don't know if you'd want to

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Speaker 1: come out as an a sexual. I don't want to

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Speaker 1: identify as a sickly female. I'm just saying. But in

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Speaker 1: the Proud survey, she found when actually going into these

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Speaker 1: communities and again, like you said, Molly, this is these

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Speaker 1: are people self identifying as a sexual. But still she

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Speaker 1: didn't find any sort of significant gender difference. She it

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Speaker 1: was pretty even split between males and females who identified

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Speaker 1: as a sexual, and her findings contrasted the negative stereotype

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Speaker 1: that I think the Bogue survey might have might have

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Speaker 1: sparked in the beginning of this trend phase around a sexuality,

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Speaker 1: because something that gets repeated in these in these pieces

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Speaker 1: is the comparison between the a sexual revolution and the

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Speaker 1: gay movement, and think of how people were, I mean,

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Speaker 1: people are afraid sometimes to be that stereotypical gay guy,

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Speaker 1: that stereotypical lesbian, and they say that they're sort of

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Speaker 1: that same fear within this a sexual community, and that

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Speaker 1: you know, you know, a sickly female is not not

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Speaker 1: the post or child of a movement, I don't think.

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Speaker 1: So it's about how maybe that might have been a

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Speaker 1: step backward, and now these people are coming out and saying, no,

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Speaker 1: it's not that we're sickly undesirable, it's just something that

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Speaker 1: we have never had an interest in, right, And they

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Speaker 1: report plenty of advantages of being a sexual, such as

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Speaker 1: there are four main benefits that pross outlines, including avoiding

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Speaker 1: common problems of intimate relationships. Yeah, I mean having a

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Speaker 1: significant other takes a lot of time and effort, decreased

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Speaker 1: risk of physical health or unwanted pregnancy. Yeah, if you're

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Speaker 1: not having sex, you're not gonna probably catch STDs. Um,

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Speaker 1: you have less social pressure to find suitable partners. And

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Speaker 1: bonus free time. Hello, I mean nothing. Nothing spells time

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Speaker 1: suck like a new relationship. But these people aren't opposed

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Speaker 1: to relationships, Kristen, right, They still have They foster friendships,

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Speaker 1: and they even foster what they call hetero romantic relationships

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Speaker 1: in which it's like the married couple where they have

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Speaker 1: a deep bond but it just isn't physical. And you know,

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Speaker 1: the joke that the couple in the Guardian made is

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Speaker 1: that after you know, five or ten years, they're going

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Speaker 1: to look like every other married couple, with that stereotype

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Speaker 1: being that married people stop having sex. And so that's

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Speaker 1: I think where they can start to paint a picture

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Speaker 1: of you know, there's this sexuality spectrum. There are people

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Speaker 1: who want to have it a lot, and they're people

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Speaker 1: who just want to have it a little and the

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Speaker 1: spectrum goes leave them further to those who don't want

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Speaker 1: to have sex at all. But that, you know, is

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Speaker 1: a struggle for some researchers and even just other people

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Speaker 1: in our society to accept because in that proud study um,

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Speaker 1: when they were given the reasons why a sexuality had

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Speaker 1: its benefits, they asked people who were sexual to say

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Speaker 1: what they thought the biggest detriment of it was, and

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Speaker 1: those people said that these people are missing out on

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Speaker 1: a really nice, beautiful, you know, experience, And that was

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Speaker 1: the biggest thing that people who had sex couldn't figure

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Speaker 1: out about the people who didn't have sex, is why

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Speaker 1: they'd want to cut themselves off from, you know, something

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Speaker 1: that's pleasurable and can result in children and you know,

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Speaker 1: can bring you closer to a mate. And uh, that's

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Speaker 1: not a concern at all for the a sexuals who

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Speaker 1: feel like they're not missing out on anything, right, They're

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Speaker 1: more concerned that the greatest downfall they reported was trying

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Speaker 1: to figure out why they are the way they are

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Speaker 1: because there hasn't been much research on it. And I

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Speaker 1: think there are some inherent problems with such a fluid

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Speaker 1: definition of sexuality, and I think that's one reason why

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Speaker 1: there's been kind of a conflict between the queer community

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Speaker 1: and the a sexual community because you know, they they're

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Speaker 1: such a broad a broad definition that it might kind

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Speaker 1: of money the waters if you're not you know, they're

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Speaker 1: not gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender. They are sort of maybe

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Speaker 1: a little bit of all of it minus intercourse. But

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Speaker 1: after reading all of these media trend pieces about this

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Speaker 1: supposed a sexual revolution and so much publicity towards David

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Speaker 1: j who's the head of the a Sexual Visibility and

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Speaker 1: Education Network, it was like, we wanted, you know, all

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Speaker 1: of these a sexuals to quote unquote come out of

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Speaker 1: the closet. But a few years down the road, it

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Speaker 1: seems like maybe I'm just not hip to it, but

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Speaker 1: it seems like it never happened well, and I think

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Speaker 1: that you even have to ask yourself what you know

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Speaker 1: that a sexual revolution would look like. A y reporter

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Speaker 1: decided to use that term quite so often to get

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Speaker 1: a stuck in my head. But um, you know, it's

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Speaker 1: it's a difficult thing, I think, to come out as

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Speaker 1: in a sexual If all these people are saying, hey,

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Speaker 1: it doesn't exist, and be if it does exist, then

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Speaker 1: there's just something wrong. With you. So I don't know that,

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Speaker 1: you know, a few trend pieces in the early two

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Speaker 1: thousands were enough to spark that. Um, I don't think

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Speaker 1: that David Jay's website has reported any big boom of

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Speaker 1: visitors and people trying to find people who are like them.

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Speaker 1: So I don't know if it's something that people think

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Speaker 1: will pass that maybe they're a late bloomer and it's

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Speaker 1: something you come to terms with over time, or if

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Speaker 1: it's just the culture we live in doesn't provide that

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Speaker 1: sort of acceptance of such a different lifestyle. I mean,

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Speaker 1: even researchers are saying, we need to do more work

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Speaker 1: on this before we know if this is a thing.

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Speaker 1: You really just might have an endocrine problem, you might

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Speaker 1: have some trauma you don't know about. You can be

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Speaker 1: taught to be sexual. These people are saying, I don't

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Speaker 1: want to be taught to be sexual, and you've got say,

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Speaker 1: at what point do you know is it anyone else's

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Speaker 1: job to say, well, I'm going to teach you? Right?

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Speaker 1: And it also brings up something that's come up a

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Speaker 1: lot um in the podcast when we're talking about things

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Speaker 1: like you know, female sex drive and libido and all

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Speaker 1: of that is the question of who says what a

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Speaker 1: normal sex drive is? You know, are we unfairly you

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Speaker 1: know kind of um uh? Are we unfairly criticizing these

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Speaker 1: people and and assigning a disorder to them when they

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Speaker 1: feel like there is no disorder there find David J

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Speaker 1: has absolutely no problem with being completely a sexual um

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Speaker 1: and like it says on his website, it doesn't make

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Speaker 1: his life any better or any worse. So we'd like

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Speaker 1: to hear from you at this point because you know,

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Speaker 1: the research is still you know, still waiting to hear

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Speaker 1: back from the researchers on on what's going on. And

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Speaker 1: it seems like the revolution hasn't happened. I don't know,

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Speaker 1: so let's hear from you guys out there. Um, what

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Speaker 1: what do you think? Do you think that a sexuality

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Speaker 1: should be considered a sexual is a discreet sexual orientation?

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Speaker 1: Do you think that it's bogus? Let us know, mom

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Speaker 1: stuff at how stuff works dot com and let's read

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Speaker 1: a couple of emails. I have one here from Kendra

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Speaker 1: and this is about the doll podcast we did Kristen,

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Speaker 1: and she writes, I remember the cabbage patch craze in

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Speaker 1: the early eighties as I was a poor kid and

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Speaker 1: grew up with many other poor kids used to make

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Speaker 1: up stories about how they were demonic creatures and cute wrapping.

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Speaker 1: I think we watched too many horror movies as kids,

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Speaker 1: and combine that with the expensive toy that we knew

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Speaker 1: we wouldn't be getting, and we were able to scare

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Speaker 1: ourselves and others, which I think was a way to

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Speaker 1: cope with knocking the cool hot toy. However, unbeknownst to me,

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Speaker 1: my mom, who worked at Kymar at the time, was

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Speaker 1: able to stash away a couple of Cabbage Patch kids

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Speaker 1: from my sister and I, needless to say, Christmas morning,

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Speaker 1: my fourth grade self was terrified that Santa left one

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Speaker 1: of these dolls under my tree. The poor doll was buried,

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Speaker 1: never to be seen again in the back, Pa says,

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Speaker 1: is in my closet until my senior year of high

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Speaker 1: school when I moved out. I think my mom dusted

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Speaker 1: her off and kept her for a long while, but

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Speaker 1: that little doll creeped me out, and honestly, I have

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Speaker 1: a fear of dolls to this day. Well, I've got

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Speaker 1: one here from Ray and this is in response to

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Speaker 1: our podcast on chivalry. She writes I'm a single, independent

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Speaker 1: woman and I own a house, travel around the world.

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Speaker 1: Whenever I get the time off work, I vote, and

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Speaker 1: I feel I'm paid for my work and I'm appreciated,

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Speaker 1: feeling a good example of a woman who embraces much

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Speaker 1: of what the feminists fought for. Chivalrous acts such as

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Speaker 1: holding the door open, offering a coat when we were chilled,

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Speaker 1: offering a seat on a bus, etcetera, should be seen

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Speaker 1: as kind, considerate, and courteous gestures. If I were on

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Speaker 1: a date with a man who behaves as such, I

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Speaker 1: would definitely have a more favorable opinion of him, especially

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Speaker 1: if I feel these acts are genuine. This would bode

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Speaker 1: very well for the next date. Good manners are one

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Speaker 1: of the best ways to make a good impression. I've

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Speaker 1: seen firsthand cases where good manners and small acts of

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Speaker 1: courtesy or sadly missing on a date or even in

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Speaker 1: daily life. Who wants to live in this kind of

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Speaker 1: environment or be around people like this? I would hate

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Speaker 1: to live in a world or these male acts of

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Speaker 1: kindness we're seen as insulting in where these men were

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Speaker 1: chided for performing in such as So thank you, Ray,

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Speaker 1: and as always, you can email me and Molly at

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Speaker 1: mom stuff at how stuff works dot com, or you

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Speaker 1: can hit us up on our Facebook page. We'd love

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Speaker 1: to see you over there, where you can follow us

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Speaker 1: on Twitter, and of course you can check out our

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Speaker 1: blog during the week. It's stuff I've Never told you

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Speaker 1: and you can find it at how stuff works dot com.

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Speaker 1: For more on this and thousands of other topics, is

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Speaker 1: it how stuff works dot com. Want more how stuff works,

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Speaker 1: check out our blogs on the house stuff works dot

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Speaker 1: com home page. Brought to you by the reinvented two

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Speaker 1: thousand twelve Camray. It's ready, are you