Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2: From Comedy Central's world news headquarters in New York.
Speaker 3: This is the Daily Show with John Stewart.
Speaker 1: All right, welcome to show. How about how it's to say?
Speaker 1: Let's you say thanks for John? You say thank you?
Speaker 4: Okay, Hey, my name is John Stewart.
Speaker 1: Welcome to the telego. Thank you so much.
Speaker 4: I don't know what's gotten into everybody. Did you guys
Speaker 4: hear it looks like the Mets in the Tampa Bay
Speaker 4: Rays are and.
Speaker 1: They're in some trade talks. Oh, by the way, do
Speaker 1: you guys hear about this?
Speaker 4: Can I tell you the craziest thing about what's going
Speaker 4: on in New York today? It's the weirdest feeling on
Speaker 4: the streets today. There's this thing going on that I
Speaker 4: haven't seen before. It's called eye contact. As you walk
Speaker 4: the streets of New York City, people are making eye
Speaker 4: contact and they're nodding and smiling. What is this the
Speaker 4: eighteen hundreds people, there's a weird time. I'm literally afraid
Speaker 4: that someone on the street is going to invite me
Speaker 4: over for pie. It's this weird spirit of something or
Speaker 4: other that's going on. I don't I don't care for it,
Speaker 4: you know what, Yes you can, but no, I don't
Speaker 4: have to.
Speaker 1: Now.
Speaker 4: Tonight's guest is Chris Wallace. We're very excited about that.
Speaker 4: Chris Wallace will be joining us. He's the fellow who
Speaker 4: puts the news in Fox News. It's somebody's got to
Speaker 4: They've got plenty of Fox. Really an historic night last night.
Speaker 1: You may have heard.
Speaker 4: Barack Obama will be the first black president of the
Speaker 4: United States of America. Sorry, Nixon, releasing one self produced
Speaker 4: rap album doesn't make you black.
Speaker 1: I'm not a crook, yo. I'm not a crook yo,
Speaker 1: all right.
Speaker 4: Obama's also the first Democrat to receive more than fifty
Speaker 4: percent of the votes since Jimmy Carter, the first Senator to.
Speaker 1: Be elected to the White House since John F. Kennedy.
Speaker 1: Muslim to be, I've said too much.
Speaker 4: As soon as the results were final, Barack Obama received
Speaker 4: a congratulatory call from still President Bush, who told him, quote,
Speaker 4: what an awesome night for you, Laura, and I called
Speaker 4: to congratulate you and your good bride. I could have
Speaker 4: just said wife, but this being an official statement and all,
Speaker 4: I figured I'd make it weird anyway, y'all should come
Speaker 4: over to my family building at food eating time, we'd
Speaker 4: hang out the word trade. Oh oh, Bush impression. I'll
Speaker 4: miss you the most.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm gonna do.
Speaker 4: I gotta work on my Obama. All right, I'm gonna
Speaker 4: work on my Obama. Are you ready?
Speaker 1: Here we go? Yes, we can't. I've only had a day.
Speaker 4: Last night, Barack Obama won the popular vote by a
Speaker 4: margin of fifty six percent and currently an electoral vote
Speaker 4: by three hundred and sixty four to seventy three, basically
Speaker 4: a six per A six percent popular vote victory translates
Speaker 4: into a two to one electoral college drubbing, proving once
Speaker 4: again that the electoral college makes perfect sense.
Speaker 1: It's as sound as it was.
Speaker 4: When that shipload of mentally defective orangutans washed ashore and
Speaker 4: designed it.
Speaker 1: But, of course, along.
Speaker 4: With the ooh, put that thing away right, turn Clyde,
Speaker 4: along with the electoral college, the big star of the night,
Speaker 4: with the news networks and their magnificent technology for twenty
Speaker 4: four hour news channels, election night is Christmas, Honka and
Speaker 4: your parents getting divorced all at once.
Speaker 1: In other words, toys.
Speaker 4: So on a night that actually needed no jazzing up,
Speaker 4: there were a few sites that made you ask in
Speaker 4: our new segment, why.
Speaker 1: We begin with MSNBC where.
Speaker 4: Why was Chuck Todd descending in the madness while addressing
Speaker 4: the Imperial Senate. Why was Ann Curry trapped with the
Speaker 4: magic graft tundus floor mounted info tubes? And why are
Speaker 4: those guys painting a map on an ice skating rink?
Speaker 4: And now to make Indiana blue for the first time
Speaker 4: since nineteen seventy six, Christie, I'm a goosie, but above all, CNN, why.
Speaker 2: I'm likely to watch what we're about to do, as
Speaker 2: you've never seen anything like this on television. Hi Love,
Speaker 2: all right, big round of applause?
Speaker 1: We did it.
Speaker 2: There she has Jessica, Yellen, I know you're in Chicago,
Speaker 2: but we've done something a hologram.
Speaker 1: We've beamed you in.
Speaker 4: Yeah, Jessica, we could have had your image crystal clear
Speaker 4: on one of those ten foot high HD plasma screens
Speaker 4: we have all around the studio. But I like this weird,
Speaker 4: unbelievably distracting Mortal combat video game thing we decided to do.
Speaker 4: But of course that technology did come in handy later
Speaker 4: with an exclusive interview they had with Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Speaker 2: A thousand miles away, but it looks like you're right here.
Speaker 1: Tell us what's going on in Chicago right now? Are
Speaker 1: you Sah Conna? Are you Sarah Connach?
Speaker 4: But you know we mock these technological advances, they are
Speaker 4: actually very useful in election analysis.
Speaker 5: Show us quickly why we haven't called Pennsylvania yet because
Speaker 5: we don't have any votes, as.
Speaker 1: I have just shown you with across the country.
Speaker 4: In Grant Park, Chicago, Barack Obama took the stage before
Speaker 4: a quarter of a million delirious supporters and Oprah Winfrey,
Speaker 4: who had actually purchased this white man to lean on
Speaker 4: during the speech. Everybody, look under your chairs. You get
Speaker 4: a white gotta lean on. You get a white gotta
Speaker 4: lean on. You got a white gotta lean on. Finally, finally, victorious,
Speaker 4: Barack Obama delivered the latest greatest speech of his life,
Speaker 4: making sure.
Speaker 1: To acknowledge those who had helped him along the way.
Speaker 4: And I would not be standing here tonight without the
Speaker 4: unyielding support of my best friend for the last sixteen years.
Speaker 1: The rock of our family, the love of my life.
Speaker 1: Ladies and gentlemen, William Ayers, check it. How are we
Speaker 1: gonna make this money.
Speaker 4: During his speech, Barack Obama singled out a specific voter
Speaker 4: he had met to reaffirm the significance of the evening.
Speaker 1: An Nixon Cooper is one hundred and six years old.
Speaker 1: She was born just a generation past slavery.
Speaker 6: She was there for the buses in Montgomery, the hoses
Speaker 6: in Birmingham, a bridge in Selma, and this year, in
Speaker 6: this election, she touched her finger to.
Speaker 4: A screen and cast her vote. To this she touched
Speaker 4: a toaster oven. We told her she had voted. Ah,
Speaker 4: she's very old and a McCain supporter. We didn't want
Speaker 4: her to vote. Jason Jones was in Chicago for this beach.
Speaker 4: Quite a moving story about Ann.
Speaker 1: Mixing people, all that she had seen.
Speaker 4: In her life, all the changes that she had seen
Speaker 4: in America in her life.
Speaker 1: It was very moving, it was John.
Speaker 6: But let's not forget about another group who never thought
Speaker 6: they'd lived to see this day. I'm talking, of course,
Speaker 6: about elderly, unrepentant racists. Racists like ninety eight year old
Speaker 6: Billy Ray Chambliss, the grandson of a plantation owner, who's
Speaker 6: seen so so much baseball ruined by Jackie Robinson Rosa
Speaker 6: Parks taking the prestige and joy out.
Speaker 1: Of bus travel.
Speaker 6: Arnold and willis destroying the Drummond family.
Speaker 1: What you're talking what you're talking about, Jason.
Speaker 6: Well, misters, I'm talking about people who, despite their lack
Speaker 6: of education and accomplishments, still hold on to the idea
Speaker 6: that they are the clearly superior race. Yes, mister Chambliss
Speaker 6: never thought he'd lived to see this.
Speaker 1: Day, didn't want to and quite frankly shouldn't have.
Speaker 4: What was mister Chambers's reaction, Well, he's been hearing this news.
Speaker 6: He actually doesn't know yet, not much of a reader.
Speaker 6: And last night he was watching a Dealer no Deal
Speaker 6: marathon or is he likes to call it the Pretty
Speaker 6: Girl's Suitcase Show. But I can tell you he was
Speaker 6: really really pissed off. A black guy won that too.
Speaker 6: Thank you very much, Jason, thank you. We'll be right back.
Speaker 1: Right aback. In the program, Senator Barack Obama.
Speaker 4: Speech was heard by millions, but the speech on special
Speaker 4: meeting two of its youngest listeners, Sasha and.
Speaker 6: Malia, I love you both more than you can imagine,
Speaker 6: and you have earned the new.
Speaker 1: Puppy that's coming with us to the White House. Wow.
Speaker 1: That is so weird. That is the same deal I
Speaker 1: had with my father. You will get a.
Speaker 4: Dog when I become President of the United States. Yeah,
Speaker 4: of course, the search for a new White House pet
Speaker 4: can mean only one thing. This is set to be
Speaker 4: a long, hard thought contest. Who is set to be
Speaker 4: America's first pooch? Come January? For more, we go to
Speaker 4: John Oliver on the campaign trail.
Speaker 1: John, who is in the running is mister Jingles.
Speaker 7: He is a dog and that mister Jingles threw his
Speaker 7: collar into the ring early this morning on his walkies. Now,
Speaker 7: just a little about what mister Jingles might bring to
Speaker 7: the White House. And he's running very much on a
Speaker 7: pro biscuit anti bath platform. When it comes to the
Speaker 7: Rose Garden, hit dig, Baby Dig.
Speaker 4: That's a decent candidate right there. Who else is running?
Speaker 4: Who else? Who else is going to be going there?
Speaker 4: Because that's clearly a very strong contender, is there?
Speaker 1: John?
Speaker 7: We also have Buster here tuaa Well, that is true,
Speaker 7: there has never been a Chihuahua in the White House.
Speaker 7: Is a miracle ready for a dog?
Speaker 1: Log Buster?
Speaker 7: That's hard to say. We'll have to wait and see.
Speaker 7: But what we must remember is all these candidates have
Speaker 7: been thoroughly vetted.
Speaker 4: Betty.
Speaker 1: You get it.
Speaker 7: You get it because he's a dog.
Speaker 1: You get it.
Speaker 7: I don't see you smiling, John, Yeah, no I'm not.
Speaker 4: I'm not smiling to get it only because I didn't.
Speaker 4: Yeah no, I'm not smiling right now. Didn't seem well,
Speaker 4: who is that?
Speaker 1: Who is that? Right?
Speaker 7: There is mittens and lots of people have been talking
Speaker 7: about her.
Speaker 1: But that's a cat, John, that's a She's a maverick.
Speaker 7: And pay no attention to the Jewi cola. She's already
Speaker 7: said that she's going to donate it towards Kendal at
Speaker 7: the end of the campaign. Besides, look at her. She
Speaker 7: had a litter just five weeks ago. You couldn't tell
Speaker 7: this is more sexy cats.
Speaker 1: Well, thank you, John Oliver.
Speaker 4: It looks like it'll be a perfectly spirited contest.
Speaker 1: Is that you're you're you're not smiling? Uh? Well, thank
Speaker 1: you very much, John Oliver. Great, report what I got tonight.
Speaker 1: Here's the host of Fox News Sunday.
Speaker 4: Please welcome back to the program, Chris Wallace.
Speaker 1: How are you?
Speaker 3: I am great?
Speaker 8: And I want to say in the celebration of the
Speaker 8: Obama victory, because I know you're gonna make jokes about
Speaker 8: Fox News or not about Obama. In the effort to
Speaker 8: bring us all together, I have brought you a present.
Speaker 1: It is very exciting.
Speaker 3: I have brought you a present. Yes, because what happened.
Speaker 1: Just give me the present.
Speaker 8: As a little build up last night, Carl Rowe who
Speaker 8: came to the Fox News set with cookies, cookies in
Speaker 8: the shape of a little Fox News Can somebody come
Speaker 8: in close widescreen TV?
Speaker 3: There you go, and I'm giving you.
Speaker 8: And it's interesting because he gave me two, but he
Speaker 8: said this one specifically give to John Stewart.
Speaker 3: So John, eat the cookie.
Speaker 4: Let me tell you something, Let me tell you something,
Speaker 4: Let me tell you why I'll eat it. Carl Rove
Speaker 4: can't hurt me anymore. Wow, Paul, cookies.
Speaker 8: I'm just counting until it takes a fact three.
Speaker 4: To free markets. Capitalism is the only way to go.
Speaker 4: We must keep America safe. The Democrats cannot do that.
Speaker 4: The cookies were exactly.
Speaker 1: Is it?
Speaker 4: Is it?
Speaker 1: What's going on over there? To How long? Do you?
Speaker 3: Said?
Speaker 1: Shiva? I thought, can I tell you something? I have
Speaker 1: to say this yourself?
Speaker 4: Shep Smith Uhi, go on, you're gonna get me in trouble.
Speaker 1: If you and you and.
Speaker 9: Shep Smith both have your moments, We're all very happy,
Speaker 9: except for Sean Hannity, who's too busy in the bathroom crying.
Speaker 3: Oh.
Speaker 1: I felt so badly for him. And the last week
Speaker 1: blessed their hearts. They tried so hard. I mean, I
Speaker 1: mean the network, not not you.
Speaker 8: Akorn was a legitimate story.
Speaker 4: Let me tell you this is there's a little just
Speaker 4: a little companion of like the last two days on
Speaker 4: Fox News, very good.
Speaker 7: Guy Obama and friends, the history of radicalism. Now tonight
Speaker 7: we are bringing you an entire hour of Barack Obama's
Speaker 7: questionable relationships.
Speaker 4: Well Center Obama deliberately bankrupt the coal industry if he
Speaker 4: becomes president.
Speaker 5: This Rashid khalidi uh send off that Barack Obama gave.
Speaker 8: We are just hours away from election day and the
Speaker 8: Reverend Jeremiah Wright is back in the news at.
Speaker 1: Eleven o'clock this morning.
Speaker 6: What we're going to find out is whether or not
Speaker 6: his half hand is registered to vote.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, because if she is, that would be embarrassing.
Speaker 4: Me.
Speaker 8: Honestly believe that you only saw only on Fox News.
Speaker 1: No, it is what what happens now to Fox News.
Speaker 1: Do they lose their chairmanships? What what happens?
Speaker 4: Are are you what happens to their belief in executive power,
Speaker 4: in executive privilege?
Speaker 1: How do they what's gonna happen? What what's gonna happen?
Speaker 1: Is it gonna be? Is it gonna be hard to
Speaker 1: turn that around?
Speaker 8: Listen, you didn't see our coverage because you and you
Speaker 8: and Stephen Colbert were crying when at eleven o'clock when
Speaker 8: they announced the president.
Speaker 1: Imagine people having human emotions to a historic moment.
Speaker 4: Imagine a country coming full circle from slavery, and.
Speaker 1: That affecting me on a deeply personal level.
Speaker 8: Coming over, coming up, I don't know, coming over here
Speaker 8: seemed like such a good idea forty five minutes ago.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 4: Can I tell you those something? I really do appreciate
Speaker 4: what you do over there. I do worry about them
Speaker 4: because that last week they seemed there seemed to be
Speaker 4: panic in the end.
Speaker 8: Let me just say, I worry about you. That William
Speaker 8: Aire's joke bombed. No, I'm telling you this crowd is
Speaker 8: not ready.
Speaker 3: Oh actually, that's a good line.
Speaker 1: I was going to say it bomb. I think that's
Speaker 1: what they're hanging to.
Speaker 8: Is going to be a member of the Obama cabinet.
Speaker 8: Secretary of Homeland Security settle Down.
Speaker 4: Can I tell you this though he actually gave an
Speaker 4: interview recently where he's like, look, I barely knew the guy.
Speaker 4: I don't know what to say, like he wished it
Speaker 4: did that he knew him better.
Speaker 8: But but did you notice that he showed up at
Speaker 8: eight o'clock when everybody in the world was around the
Speaker 8: voting the Paulling book.
Speaker 3: You think that was just an accident on Williamare's partner.
Speaker 4: No, I think Barack probably called him like he usually
Speaker 4: does at six am and said, what are you wearing today?
Speaker 1: And then Bill said, I'm wearing a red sweater. And
Speaker 1: then he said, are they going to keep the fair
Speaker 1: and balanced thing? Or hasn't that?
Speaker 3: I think though, yes, of course we're going to keep
Speaker 3: it all.
Speaker 8: Really think that Barack Obama is not going to mess
Speaker 8: up like every other politician.
Speaker 4: But I tell you this, and this is the thing
Speaker 4: that gives me hope for the first time since I
Speaker 4: can remember, and this includes the Clintons, somebody is speaking
Speaker 4: in a manner that matches my sensory perception.
Speaker 1: In other words, like.
Speaker 4: For the past eight years, and even prother back in
Speaker 4: that I would walk outside and go, oh, it's sixty degrees.
Speaker 4: There's a light breeze. I could wear a light jacket.
Speaker 4: It's a lovely day. And then I'd turn on a
Speaker 4: Fox network and they'd go it's snowing, and I think, wow,
Speaker 4: that doesn't match my perceptive reality. This guy speaks, I
Speaker 4: recognize him as human.
Speaker 1: He wears his frailty on a s Is it exciting?
Speaker 1: Are you excited?
Speaker 3: I am, honestly, I am excited.
Speaker 8: I mean, first of all, anybody who was a child
Speaker 8: of the civil rights movement and of the sixties, the
Speaker 8: idea that an African American to watch that family walk
Speaker 8: out there last night, and to think that is going
Speaker 8: to be the first family of the United States.
Speaker 3: A beautiful black.
Speaker 4: You belong in a serious photography studio, cum crazy.
Speaker 8: And beautiful children and a handsome, strong, smart, self confident
Speaker 8: black man. I never thought I would see it in
Speaker 8: my life, and I think it's wonderful for the country.
Speaker 8: It couldn't happen anywhere else in the world completely. It
Speaker 8: would be like the French suddenly electing an Algerian as president.
Speaker 8: Now seriously it is an extraordinary thing. I hope he
Speaker 8: does great. Can I tell he probably won't, but and
Speaker 8: then we'll cover it in either way. Listen, I don't mean,
Speaker 8: I don't even think that they all mess up.
Speaker 1: But for a second there, if I may, Yes.
Speaker 3: You recognized a human emotion.
Speaker 1: Look, you were welling up. Fox through Sunday or Sunday
Speaker 1: mornings on your local Fox station. Chris Wallace.
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