1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:03,720 Speaker 1: Hello, everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to 2 00:00:03,760 --> 00:00:07,680 Speaker 1: the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, Wherever you are in 3 00:00:07,760 --> 00:00:10,239 Speaker 1: the world, it is so great to have you here, 4 00:00:10,320 --> 00:00:13,960 Speaker 1: back for another episode as we, of course talk about 5 00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:17,840 Speaker 1: the psychology of our twenties. All right, We're going to 6 00:00:17,880 --> 00:00:21,520 Speaker 1: talk about birthday anxiety today because it is my birthday 7 00:00:21,640 --> 00:00:25,720 Speaker 1: the day that this comes out, I am turning twenty five, 8 00:00:25,920 --> 00:00:29,400 Speaker 1: twenty five years old. We are halfway through the Psychology 9 00:00:29,880 --> 00:00:33,120 Speaker 1: of your twenties, and the biggest question I always get 10 00:00:33,159 --> 00:00:35,159 Speaker 1: is whether I'm going to do a psychology of your thirties. 11 00:00:35,520 --> 00:00:37,640 Speaker 1: I have five more years to think about it, so 12 00:00:38,640 --> 00:00:40,839 Speaker 1: I will answer that question a little bit closer to 13 00:00:40,880 --> 00:00:44,159 Speaker 1: the date. But yeah, it's my birthday and it's bringing 14 00:00:44,240 --> 00:00:47,879 Speaker 1: up a lot of feelings, but it's also probably the 15 00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:54,120 Speaker 1: most peaceful, serene birthday I have had. I have never 16 00:00:54,160 --> 00:00:58,680 Speaker 1: felt more comfortable with aging, and more comfortable with the 17 00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:01,680 Speaker 1: age that I'm at, and more comfortable with what I'm 18 00:01:01,760 --> 00:01:07,000 Speaker 1: choosing to do today than ever before. And it's made 19 00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:08,960 Speaker 1: me really, really reflective, and it's made me want to 20 00:01:09,000 --> 00:01:12,240 Speaker 1: talk about this experience of birthday anxiety that I've had 21 00:01:12,680 --> 00:01:16,160 Speaker 1: for so long and all the stress that usually comes 22 00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:20,040 Speaker 1: with gaining another year, gaining another year of life, getting 23 00:01:20,040 --> 00:01:22,600 Speaker 1: another year of experiences. And I want you to note 24 00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:24,840 Speaker 1: that I did not say getting older. I'd like to 25 00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:27,679 Speaker 1: position it as something that we are given, something that 26 00:01:27,680 --> 00:01:31,399 Speaker 1: we are gifted. So this year, I'm in New York City. 27 00:01:31,680 --> 00:01:33,280 Speaker 1: I've been in the US for like two and a 28 00:01:33,319 --> 00:01:37,160 Speaker 1: half weeks for work, for work being this podcast and 29 00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:40,800 Speaker 1: for Mantra of course, doing some amazing recordings with some 30 00:01:40,840 --> 00:01:45,039 Speaker 1: incredible guests that are coming out soon. And by being 31 00:01:45,080 --> 00:01:47,920 Speaker 1: in New York, I know a few people, but honestly, 32 00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:51,120 Speaker 1: like I don't have a huge, broad wide group of 33 00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:55,160 Speaker 1: friends here. My boyfriend's back in Australia. All my close friends, 34 00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:58,600 Speaker 1: my family are back in Australia. So I couldn't do 35 00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:00,320 Speaker 1: like a big thing this year. I could do like 36 00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:03,320 Speaker 1: a big party, I couldn't like celebrate with my closest 37 00:02:03,320 --> 00:02:06,240 Speaker 1: loved ones. And you know what, I think that's part 38 00:02:06,280 --> 00:02:09,480 Speaker 1: of why I feel so serene about it. Like, my 39 00:02:09,639 --> 00:02:13,359 Speaker 1: plan is to go to a diner tonight and I'm 40 00:02:13,360 --> 00:02:17,000 Speaker 1: gonna get breakfast for dinner, and I'm gonna do my 41 00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:20,560 Speaker 1: little birthday routine, which I'll talk about later in the 42 00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:23,000 Speaker 1: episode that I do every single year, and I have 43 00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:26,480 Speaker 1: never felt more excited about it. Like I said before, 44 00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:30,120 Speaker 1: this experience has not always been the case, and I 45 00:02:30,160 --> 00:02:33,280 Speaker 1: am sure for many of you who are listening you 46 00:02:34,520 --> 00:02:38,320 Speaker 1: don't find that this is the common theme that defines 47 00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:43,959 Speaker 1: your birthday. It's normally quite an intense experience. Birthdays are 48 00:02:44,360 --> 00:02:49,480 Speaker 1: really really reflective by nature, you know, they demand pause, 49 00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:52,400 Speaker 1: much like a new year. You know, they feel like 50 00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:56,800 Speaker 1: this very specific point in time where everything from the 51 00:02:56,800 --> 00:03:00,440 Speaker 1: past feels very present, and you're ruminating on who you are, 52 00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:03,639 Speaker 1: what you've learned, and also who you want to become. 53 00:03:03,680 --> 00:03:07,360 Speaker 1: Like you're very focused on the future. We're getting older. 54 00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:09,919 Speaker 1: What if things don't work out the way I want, 55 00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:14,320 Speaker 1: I have less time. I feel like my body is aging, 56 00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:16,200 Speaker 1: even though if you're in your twenties, like you're still 57 00:03:16,240 --> 00:03:18,720 Speaker 1: really at the peak of your youth. But all of 58 00:03:18,760 --> 00:03:23,160 Speaker 1: these feelings and this contemplation is naturally very paralyzing, and 59 00:03:23,360 --> 00:03:26,360 Speaker 1: that combined with a very sensitive social element as well, 60 00:03:26,520 --> 00:03:29,480 Speaker 1: you know, the pressure to be around friends, the pressure 61 00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:32,200 Speaker 1: to do a big thing, the pressure to have fun, 62 00:03:32,840 --> 00:03:36,320 Speaker 1: all of that can create a real cocktail of complicated 63 00:03:36,880 --> 00:03:40,960 Speaker 1: emotions and surprise surprise. A lot about this does come 64 00:03:41,040 --> 00:03:45,960 Speaker 1: down to our psychology as humans, as very deep thinking 65 00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:51,320 Speaker 1: creatures and creatures who nonetheless love celebrations but also feel 66 00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:54,520 Speaker 1: overwhelmed by them at times. You know, we're full of 67 00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:59,400 Speaker 1: oxymorons and contradictions, it seems. But today we are going 68 00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:04,360 Speaker 1: to hope all together feel a little bit better about birthdays. 69 00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:07,120 Speaker 1: I want to talk about what makes them so difficult 70 00:04:07,160 --> 00:04:11,040 Speaker 1: at times, specifically the three main reasons that we struggle 71 00:04:11,560 --> 00:04:14,680 Speaker 1: with gaining another year, and then I also want to 72 00:04:14,720 --> 00:04:19,479 Speaker 1: talk about why and how to rethink this process of 73 00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:23,400 Speaker 1: aging and to rethink birthdays in general, so that they 74 00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:26,440 Speaker 1: are something that you look forward to, that you're excited about, 75 00:04:26,839 --> 00:04:30,960 Speaker 1: that is not stressful, and that, if anything, can actually 76 00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:34,359 Speaker 1: bring you a lot of knowledge about yourself and a 77 00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:40,000 Speaker 1: really important space to reflect and grow into this next 78 00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:42,360 Speaker 1: year of who you're becoming and who you're going to be. So, 79 00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:44,960 Speaker 1: I know birthdays in our twenties are a big topic, 80 00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:46,360 Speaker 1: and so many of you have asked me for this, 81 00:04:46,440 --> 00:04:49,240 Speaker 1: so I'm going to stop rambling and without further ado, 82 00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:59,080 Speaker 1: let's talk about the psychology of birthday anxiety. So I 83 00:04:59,120 --> 00:05:03,800 Speaker 1: think the reason that birthdays can be so psychologically, mentally, emotionally, 84 00:05:03,839 --> 00:05:09,919 Speaker 1: sometimes socially. Taxing comes down to three specific reasons. The 85 00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:13,479 Speaker 1: first is very existential reasons to do with aging, to 86 00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:18,680 Speaker 1: do with progress, to do with milestones. The second comes 87 00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:22,560 Speaker 1: down to expectations and the pressure to seemingly have this 88 00:05:22,680 --> 00:05:26,360 Speaker 1: perfect event or this perfect experience to mark another year. 89 00:05:26,839 --> 00:05:29,080 Speaker 1: And the third series of reasons, I think are quite 90 00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:32,680 Speaker 1: social reasons that have to do with loneliness, perhaps a 91 00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:35,000 Speaker 1: great deal of comparison as well. So I want to 92 00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:40,480 Speaker 1: talk about each of these individually, starting with very existential reasons. 93 00:05:41,160 --> 00:05:44,599 Speaker 1: So I think, for the longest time, the reason birthdays 94 00:05:44,640 --> 00:05:47,320 Speaker 1: felt so troublesome to me was that it was a 95 00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:50,599 Speaker 1: sign that I was getting older, and that is something 96 00:05:50,640 --> 00:05:54,800 Speaker 1: that was very, very scary. My perspective on aging, though, 97 00:05:54,839 --> 00:05:57,839 Speaker 1: has changed, and I used to be really scared of it. 98 00:05:57,880 --> 00:05:59,560 Speaker 1: I used to joke with my friends that I would 99 00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:02,520 Speaker 1: be for aever twenty two. The reason that we are 100 00:06:02,520 --> 00:06:04,560 Speaker 1: scared of aging, and if you can relate to this, 101 00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:07,640 Speaker 1: I'm sure you've already come to this conclusion. The reason 102 00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:09,880 Speaker 1: that we are scared of aging is because we are 103 00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:15,800 Speaker 1: scared of the unknown. We are naturally, as humans, always 104 00:06:15,839 --> 00:06:18,400 Speaker 1: going to feel a little bit anxious and a little 105 00:06:18,440 --> 00:06:23,120 Speaker 1: bit uncomfortable with somewhere in some place that we have 106 00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:26,320 Speaker 1: never been before. You have never been in this next 107 00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:29,160 Speaker 1: year of your life. You have never been twenty seven, 108 00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:31,440 Speaker 1: you have never been thirty five, you have never been 109 00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:36,880 Speaker 1: sixty six. And so because of that, it feels very unknown, 110 00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:40,960 Speaker 1: very uncertain, very unstable. And with that empty space and 111 00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:46,200 Speaker 1: with that uncertainty, our brain likes to fill that with fear. 112 00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:50,720 Speaker 1: It likes to feel that with catastrophic ideas and imaginations 113 00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:52,920 Speaker 1: of what it's going to be like, and they're not 114 00:06:53,279 --> 00:06:57,239 Speaker 1: always positive. The other reason that we are scared of aging, 115 00:06:57,360 --> 00:06:59,680 Speaker 1: other than the fear of the unknown, is a similar 116 00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:01,960 Speaker 1: fear of the unknown, and it's a fear of death. 117 00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:06,440 Speaker 1: It feels like each year we are, you know, closer 118 00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:10,320 Speaker 1: to the end of this journey than the beginning. I 119 00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:13,600 Speaker 1: used to be very, very scared of this, and I 120 00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:16,680 Speaker 1: can openly admit that and talk about it now because 121 00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:19,120 Speaker 1: of how much time I have spent thinking about it 122 00:07:19,560 --> 00:07:23,320 Speaker 1: and overthinking it and intellectualizing it till the cows came in, 123 00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:26,400 Speaker 1: Like it was an obsessive thought of me for me 124 00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:29,040 Speaker 1: for so long, of what happens after we die and 125 00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:32,760 Speaker 1: aging is just this is just this terrible thing that's 126 00:07:32,760 --> 00:07:38,160 Speaker 1: bringing me closer. Then I realized that aging is actually 127 00:07:38,240 --> 00:07:43,600 Speaker 1: absolutely necessary, because the alternative to not getting older is 128 00:07:43,640 --> 00:07:45,640 Speaker 1: that you would always stay the same and that you 129 00:07:45,640 --> 00:07:48,800 Speaker 1: would always stay in the same place as this same 130 00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:51,760 Speaker 1: past version of you. You would never be able to grow, 131 00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:55,360 Speaker 1: and you would never be able to experience new chapters. 132 00:07:55,880 --> 00:07:59,880 Speaker 1: Turning twenty five, twenty seven, twenty eight. Yes, it's a privilege. 133 00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:01,680 Speaker 1: I know a lot of people talk about how there 134 00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:03,720 Speaker 1: are so many people who don't make it to that 135 00:08:03,760 --> 00:08:06,320 Speaker 1: age and you should live for them and realize that 136 00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:09,480 Speaker 1: it's an opportunity. Yes, that's one way of seeing it. 137 00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:14,320 Speaker 1: But I also think that time holds experiences, and so 138 00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:17,640 Speaker 1: if this world was perfectly designed or however you want 139 00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:21,400 Speaker 1: to think about it, aging is an important part of 140 00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:23,840 Speaker 1: that because aging is what brings you into the future. 141 00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:28,560 Speaker 1: Aging is what brings you excitement, brings new surprises. If 142 00:08:28,560 --> 00:08:31,280 Speaker 1: you were to stay seventeen for your whole life, if 143 00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:33,880 Speaker 1: you were to stay twenty five for your whole life, 144 00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:36,760 Speaker 1: you would never get to experience what it's like to 145 00:08:36,800 --> 00:08:40,680 Speaker 1: be a grandparent, what it's like to be a senior 146 00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:44,080 Speaker 1: in your career, what it's like to you know, own 147 00:08:44,120 --> 00:08:46,600 Speaker 1: a home that you love, what it's like to gain 148 00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:50,360 Speaker 1: maturity and perspective, what it's like to feel your frontal 149 00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:53,760 Speaker 1: lobe develop. That is really how I started to see it. 150 00:08:54,040 --> 00:08:55,920 Speaker 1: Another way I started to see it in my brain 151 00:08:55,920 --> 00:08:58,920 Speaker 1: that felt more comfortable, is that age is really just 152 00:08:58,920 --> 00:09:01,960 Speaker 1: a number. And it's so oh cliche, I know, but 153 00:09:02,760 --> 00:09:06,200 Speaker 1: it is so true. It is so true, And I 154 00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:10,560 Speaker 1: see this philosophy reflected in so many people that I 155 00:09:10,600 --> 00:09:12,839 Speaker 1: love and that I know in my life. So a 156 00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:17,040 Speaker 1: couple of weeks ago, I celebrated my grandfather's ninetieth birthday. 157 00:09:17,920 --> 00:09:21,920 Speaker 1: Now that man turned ninety. He drank more than me. 158 00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:25,560 Speaker 1: He drank more than any twenty one year old. He 159 00:09:25,600 --> 00:09:28,840 Speaker 1: pulled out like this really nice bottle of port. He 160 00:09:28,920 --> 00:09:32,360 Speaker 1: had this big birthday cake. All of his friends, my 161 00:09:32,520 --> 00:09:35,440 Speaker 1: sisters who are literally like eighteen and I don't know, 162 00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:40,360 Speaker 1: seventeen at this point, genuinely like they left before the 163 00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:43,480 Speaker 1: night was even over, Like my grandparents were the last 164 00:09:43,480 --> 00:09:46,560 Speaker 1: to go. We walked home with them all tipsy and drunk. 165 00:09:46,600 --> 00:09:49,959 Speaker 1: And not only was my grandfather still this like had 166 00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:53,880 Speaker 1: this youthful exuberance and really wasn't showing his age, but 167 00:09:53,920 --> 00:09:56,280 Speaker 1: he also had, you know, the blessing of so many 168 00:09:56,360 --> 00:10:01,080 Speaker 1: stories that we got to hear. And it made me realize, like, 169 00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:04,040 Speaker 1: you can take your age as a sign of who 170 00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:06,920 Speaker 1: you need to be, and you need to be this 171 00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:09,240 Speaker 1: person who becomes more grouchy, You need to be this 172 00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:14,240 Speaker 1: person who, according to society, becomes less happy and exudes 173 00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:17,960 Speaker 1: less joy and finds less pleasure and things. But you 174 00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:22,120 Speaker 1: also have the choice to take your age, you know, 175 00:10:22,360 --> 00:10:24,360 Speaker 1: keep it as something that's just on your birth certificate 176 00:10:24,440 --> 00:10:27,640 Speaker 1: or just on your driver's license, and embody the age 177 00:10:27,760 --> 00:10:30,120 Speaker 1: that you feel and all the positive parts of that 178 00:10:30,280 --> 00:10:33,200 Speaker 1: age that you want to bring forward with you. Another 179 00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:37,040 Speaker 1: reason that birthdays can bring up some negative feelings and 180 00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:43,319 Speaker 1: some specifically existential feelings comes down to feeling behind when 181 00:10:43,360 --> 00:10:46,480 Speaker 1: it comes to your life plans, feeling like you should 182 00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:50,120 Speaker 1: be further ahead, feeling like you should be more accomplished, 183 00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:55,160 Speaker 1: and yet here you are, and you look around, everyone 184 00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:58,280 Speaker 1: else seems to be doing these amazing things, and you're lost, 185 00:10:58,679 --> 00:11:01,760 Speaker 1: and you're behind. And now as you get older, all 186 00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:04,360 Speaker 1: it's going to be is this game of catchup. If 187 00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:07,439 Speaker 1: you can relate to that, I think what you're experiencing 188 00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:12,360 Speaker 1: is not so much birthday anxiety, but milestone anxiety anxiety 189 00:11:12,520 --> 00:11:16,120 Speaker 1: to do with feeling like you are not hitting specific 190 00:11:16,840 --> 00:11:24,000 Speaker 1: socially approved targets when you should be. Now, this is 191 00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:26,920 Speaker 1: a real conundrum for a lot of us in our twenties. 192 00:11:27,280 --> 00:11:30,280 Speaker 1: I saw this quote the other day that it feels 193 00:11:30,320 --> 00:11:33,040 Speaker 1: like between the ages of eighteen and thirty five, we're 194 00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:35,480 Speaker 1: all in some imaginary race, and we're not sure what 195 00:11:35,559 --> 00:11:38,040 Speaker 1: the race is, but we know that we're behind. That 196 00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:41,800 Speaker 1: is really what this period in our life feels like, 197 00:11:42,280 --> 00:11:45,200 Speaker 1: and a lot of it does come down to comparison 198 00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:50,520 Speaker 1: against our peers, but also comparison against this weird, indoctrinated 199 00:11:50,559 --> 00:11:54,240 Speaker 1: blueprint that we all seem to understand. We all seem 200 00:11:54,360 --> 00:11:57,640 Speaker 1: to have this weird sense that by thirty, you know, 201 00:11:57,800 --> 00:12:01,400 Speaker 1: we probably should have should be married, By twenty five, 202 00:12:01,559 --> 00:12:03,720 Speaker 1: we should be knowing what we want to do with 203 00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:06,920 Speaker 1: our career. By twenty eight, we should have met our 204 00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:09,520 Speaker 1: best friends, We should have bought a home. There are 205 00:12:09,559 --> 00:12:14,040 Speaker 1: all these seemingly important milestones to hit before you reach 206 00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:18,480 Speaker 1: your thirties, and the thing is all of those milestones 207 00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:24,599 Speaker 1: are external. We do not compare important measures like happiness. 208 00:12:25,040 --> 00:12:30,600 Speaker 1: We do not compare important things like growth, like self knowledge, authenticity. 209 00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:34,920 Speaker 1: We don't think about how far how far advanced we 210 00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:38,559 Speaker 1: are in terms of our emotions and how we internally feel. 211 00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:42,600 Speaker 1: We are really focused on the external, how our life 212 00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:46,880 Speaker 1: appears to other people, and that is a huge source 213 00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:51,760 Speaker 1: of disappointment and sadness and frustration. Birthdays, I think, just 214 00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:55,680 Speaker 1: really naturally bring that out. I will also say we 215 00:12:55,800 --> 00:13:02,280 Speaker 1: also are very, very focused, to our fault at comparing 216 00:13:02,280 --> 00:13:05,040 Speaker 1: ourselves to people who are doing better than us. We 217 00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:09,199 Speaker 1: often engage in what we call upward social comparison, knowing 218 00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:11,240 Speaker 1: that it's going to make us feel bad, knowing that 219 00:13:11,280 --> 00:13:14,160 Speaker 1: it's going to hurt our self concept and our self esteem, 220 00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:17,560 Speaker 1: but we just can't help ourselves. It's like we almost 221 00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:22,040 Speaker 1: convince ourselves subconsciously mentally that if I feel bad enough 222 00:13:22,040 --> 00:13:24,120 Speaker 1: about where I am, maybe that will force me to 223 00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:27,640 Speaker 1: work harder. If I look at someone that I'm envious 224 00:13:27,679 --> 00:13:31,920 Speaker 1: of or that makes me feel less accomplished, maybe that's 225 00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:35,320 Speaker 1: this weird sense of self punishment that's going to motivate me. 226 00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:39,680 Speaker 1: And that is absolutely not the case. There is no 227 00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:43,400 Speaker 1: big finish line that we are all working towards like, 228 00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:47,280 Speaker 1: not one single person on this planet has the exact 229 00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:50,520 Speaker 1: same goals and the exact same vision of what their 230 00:13:50,559 --> 00:13:54,400 Speaker 1: life looks like. It's all different, and even people who 231 00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:56,880 Speaker 1: get to the point, or even people who you admire 232 00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:58,440 Speaker 1: for getting to the point that you want to be, 233 00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:01,840 Speaker 1: they are still looking at their life and feeling some 234 00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:05,560 Speaker 1: sense of dissatisfaction. I can absolutely tell you that it 235 00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:07,559 Speaker 1: may even be the case that they are looking at 236 00:14:07,559 --> 00:14:09,640 Speaker 1: you and thinking, God, I really wish I had as 237 00:14:09,679 --> 00:14:12,400 Speaker 1: much peace as this person has. I really wish I 238 00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:16,439 Speaker 1: had as much time and space for growth. I really 239 00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:18,360 Speaker 1: wish that I was still at the beginning so I 240 00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:22,520 Speaker 1: could make different choices. There is something to be compared 241 00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:26,640 Speaker 1: against or with for every single person. So as you're 242 00:14:26,680 --> 00:14:30,640 Speaker 1: comparing yourself to someone else, they're comparing themselves to someone 243 00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:33,680 Speaker 1: else who's probably comparing themselves to you. So I know 244 00:14:33,760 --> 00:14:36,080 Speaker 1: that can be a really, really hard part about birthdays 245 00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:39,120 Speaker 1: is feeling behind and feeling lost in your twenties. I 246 00:14:39,160 --> 00:14:41,680 Speaker 1: always remind myself when I'm at that point, because I 247 00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:44,840 Speaker 1: think as humans, we all end up in that comparison spiral. 248 00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:48,160 Speaker 1: I always remind myself to think about what I've achieved 249 00:14:48,160 --> 00:14:52,120 Speaker 1: in terms of personal growth and reflection in the last year. 250 00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:55,000 Speaker 1: So as I'm turning twenty five, I feel like this 251 00:14:55,280 --> 00:14:59,280 Speaker 1: twenty fourth year of my life, I became so much 252 00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:02,920 Speaker 1: better at f feeling less pressure around social media. I 253 00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:06,720 Speaker 1: became so much better in managing my overthinking. I became 254 00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:11,000 Speaker 1: so much better in feeling satisfied with the friends that 255 00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:15,120 Speaker 1: I have, rather than feeling like I constantly needed more 256 00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:18,960 Speaker 1: of that. I was constantly on the precipice of loneliness. 257 00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:23,120 Speaker 1: That means more to me, and that impacts me positively 258 00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:26,440 Speaker 1: more on the daily than any kind of achievement that 259 00:15:26,480 --> 00:15:33,480 Speaker 1: I've had publicly, that sense of inner growth and homeostasis 260 00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:36,680 Speaker 1: and progress is really really important. Okay, we are going 261 00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:38,920 Speaker 1: to take a short break, but when we return, I 262 00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:41,320 Speaker 1: want to talk about two of the final reasons that 263 00:15:41,360 --> 00:15:44,400 Speaker 1: we feel a lot of stress anxiety, maybe sadness around 264 00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:48,560 Speaker 1: our birthdays, and my perfect routine for combating that. Stay 265 00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:55,960 Speaker 1: with us. Let's talk about the second reason that birthdays 266 00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:59,880 Speaker 1: can be so hard, and it's expectations. It's there's pressure 267 00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:06,720 Speaker 1: to have this perfect, perfect day, this perfect party, these 268 00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:09,760 Speaker 1: perfect friends who are all going to wish us happy birthday, 269 00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:15,320 Speaker 1: and often we are let down. I would say ninety 270 00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:19,000 Speaker 1: nine percent of the time. When you have grand aspirations 271 00:16:19,360 --> 00:16:23,440 Speaker 1: for a big birthday blowout, and you know how you 272 00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:26,560 Speaker 1: expect everyone to treat you, you're often disappointed. I think 273 00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:29,520 Speaker 1: anytime we say that we are supposed to do something, 274 00:16:29,560 --> 00:16:32,200 Speaker 1: we're supposed to be happy, we're supposed to be loved, 275 00:16:32,560 --> 00:16:35,080 Speaker 1: we're supposed to have all this fun, we're supposed to 276 00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:39,080 Speaker 1: you know, just ease through this. You are setting yourself 277 00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:42,120 Speaker 1: up for disappointment. You know, when we put should or 278 00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:46,200 Speaker 1: supposed to before anything, often it's not going to look 279 00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:48,960 Speaker 1: the way that we have imagined it now. I think 280 00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:52,120 Speaker 1: this also comes down to comparison. Right. We see people 281 00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:54,680 Speaker 1: having these huge birthdays with lots of lots of friends, 282 00:16:54,760 --> 00:16:58,160 Speaker 1: and it looks so fun and they look celebrated and loved. 283 00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:01,800 Speaker 1: Of course, we want that amazing, and so we go 284 00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:04,919 Speaker 1: about trying to make that happen. The thing that we 285 00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:08,400 Speaker 1: don't see in those photos, in those pictures is all 286 00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:11,840 Speaker 1: the stress that usually comes with having those kinds of 287 00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:15,760 Speaker 1: huge events and huge expectations. Now, if you are someone 288 00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:20,760 Speaker 1: who specifically struggles with control, the idea of like a 289 00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:24,240 Speaker 1: big birthday party, that might seem really impressive and fun 290 00:17:24,280 --> 00:17:26,919 Speaker 1: from the outside is probably going to cause you a 291 00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:30,040 Speaker 1: lot of internal chaos. For the starters, you're going to 292 00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:33,119 Speaker 1: want every single thing to go perfectly. You're going to 293 00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:35,880 Speaker 1: want it to perhaps look exactly as you imagined it, 294 00:17:36,520 --> 00:17:39,720 Speaker 1: and you are going to feel responsible for other people's fun. 295 00:17:40,359 --> 00:17:41,960 Speaker 1: Tell me if you relate to this. But I have 296 00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:47,120 Speaker 1: often found whenever I've thrown big birthday parties, I always 297 00:17:47,119 --> 00:17:50,520 Speaker 1: spend about fifty percent of the night looking around me 298 00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:53,280 Speaker 1: and making sure that people are chatting, making sure that 299 00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:56,600 Speaker 1: people are enjoying themselves. I most certainly spend the first 300 00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:59,560 Speaker 1: hour wondering if people are going to show up, wondering 301 00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:02,040 Speaker 1: if people are going to go away and say that 302 00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:04,960 Speaker 1: was fun, or they're going to leave early. Now for 303 00:18:05,080 --> 00:18:08,280 Speaker 1: a day that should be focused on you, and should 304 00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:13,159 Speaker 1: be focused on this incredible achievement of growing up and 305 00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:17,320 Speaker 1: experiencing more. I find that big events like that take 306 00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:21,000 Speaker 1: all of the attention you should be showing yourself off 307 00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:24,320 Speaker 1: of you and onto managing other people's feelings and other 308 00:18:24,359 --> 00:18:29,040 Speaker 1: people's perceptions. It often creates this experience where you can 309 00:18:29,080 --> 00:18:33,320 Speaker 1: only feel happy In hindsight, you can only feel happy 310 00:18:33,359 --> 00:18:37,920 Speaker 1: with rose tinted glasses on. So throughout the day you've 311 00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:42,960 Speaker 1: probably felt very on edge, very overwhelmed, very rushed. Then 312 00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:45,040 Speaker 1: during the event, maybe you get like a couple of 313 00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:47,680 Speaker 1: hours of a bit of bliss, but you're still worried 314 00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:50,560 Speaker 1: about other people's feelings. And then the next morning sometimes 315 00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:52,560 Speaker 1: you even have like a bit of an emotional and 316 00:18:52,720 --> 00:18:56,880 Speaker 1: social hangover. And then it still may not have met 317 00:18:56,880 --> 00:18:59,199 Speaker 1: your expectations. And you've put money into this party, and 318 00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:02,239 Speaker 1: you've put your hopes and dreams into it. That can 319 00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:04,840 Speaker 1: lead us to feel very, very let down. You may 320 00:19:04,880 --> 00:19:08,240 Speaker 1: also have the experience of not telling people what you want, 321 00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:10,879 Speaker 1: not wanting to be a burden, not wanting to like 322 00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:14,480 Speaker 1: outwardly say hey, please make a big deal about me, 323 00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:18,199 Speaker 1: please make a fuss, And because you haven't communicated it, 324 00:19:18,280 --> 00:19:22,600 Speaker 1: everyone thinks you want some small thing. You're left disappointed 325 00:19:23,040 --> 00:19:25,919 Speaker 1: because you wish that someone had read your mind, and 326 00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:28,800 Speaker 1: the sad thing is that they couldn't. And you know, 327 00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:30,320 Speaker 1: it's like you can't go out and say, like, I 328 00:19:30,359 --> 00:19:33,679 Speaker 1: want a surprise birthday party, because then you're not surprised, 329 00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:35,920 Speaker 1: But some part of you is like, I just wish 330 00:19:36,080 --> 00:19:38,560 Speaker 1: these people would be able to see into my brain 331 00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:42,200 Speaker 1: and know what I want, which even for our closest, 332 00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:47,399 Speaker 1: most nearest and dearest friends, is sometimes impossible. On the 333 00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:51,440 Speaker 1: flip side, I've also spoken to people who have said 334 00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:56,600 Speaker 1: to me, I have these big expectations, but I also 335 00:19:56,760 --> 00:20:00,639 Speaker 1: know that I'm going to feel very awkward being the 336 00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:04,080 Speaker 1: center of attention, and I know I'm going to feel 337 00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:07,520 Speaker 1: very strange about it because I have this fear of 338 00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:10,840 Speaker 1: being perceived. But I can't help that feel like that. 339 00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:13,399 Speaker 1: If I don't do this, I'm also going to be 340 00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:17,440 Speaker 1: very lonely and I'm going to feel very socially isolated. 341 00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:21,479 Speaker 1: So it does become a bit of a catch twenty two. 342 00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:25,240 Speaker 1: And if you know, for some reason you don't have 343 00:20:25,680 --> 00:20:29,720 Speaker 1: friends around you, you're feeling a little bit socially isolated 344 00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:33,120 Speaker 1: or alienating at the moment. The experience of like having 345 00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:38,880 Speaker 1: a birthday pop up can really put those deeper emotions 346 00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:42,760 Speaker 1: into perspective. I feel like a birthday is a great 347 00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:46,560 Speaker 1: way to put a big, shining spotlight on what you're 348 00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:49,920 Speaker 1: feeling insecure about. Are you feeling insecure about not having 349 00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:53,000 Speaker 1: enough friends? Are you feeling insecure about not making the 350 00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:56,240 Speaker 1: most of your twenties? Are you feeling insecure about being behind. 351 00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:58,480 Speaker 1: Are you feeling insecure about your looks or your age? 352 00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:01,639 Speaker 1: A birthday is going to bring all of that to 353 00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:04,919 Speaker 1: the surface. It's going to bring your loneliness, your dissatisfaction, 354 00:21:05,359 --> 00:21:09,000 Speaker 1: your insecurity straight to the top of your mind. So 355 00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:12,560 Speaker 1: I want to talk about how we can do this better, 356 00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:17,359 Speaker 1: how can we have better birthdays now? As someone, as 357 00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:19,840 Speaker 1: I said, who used to have these big birthday parties 358 00:21:20,440 --> 00:21:23,680 Speaker 1: and always end up feeling somewhat disappointed and let down, 359 00:21:24,080 --> 00:21:26,760 Speaker 1: I have come to realize that I am not someone 360 00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:30,480 Speaker 1: who wants to have a big, all out celebration, even 361 00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:32,960 Speaker 1: if that's something that I really thought that I've wanted 362 00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:35,960 Speaker 1: for the past I don't know, fifteen odd years. Like 363 00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:39,760 Speaker 1: for my twenty first I remember doing three different kind 364 00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:42,040 Speaker 1: of events, Like I did a birthday dinner with my family, 365 00:21:42,080 --> 00:21:43,600 Speaker 1: I went away with some of my friends, and I 366 00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:46,960 Speaker 1: went to the pub for like for my actual day 367 00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:49,960 Speaker 1: of my birthday. And yeah, it was fun, but it 368 00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:52,600 Speaker 1: was more stress than it's worth. So my new thing 369 00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:57,119 Speaker 1: is to choose some activity that I've really wanted to 370 00:21:57,160 --> 00:21:59,120 Speaker 1: do and that I've put off for the past year, 371 00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:03,320 Speaker 1: and to do it, even if it means doing it solo. 372 00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:06,600 Speaker 1: Now for this year. It did happen to mean that 373 00:22:06,680 --> 00:22:09,119 Speaker 1: I'm solo traveling, and that's something that I really wanted 374 00:22:09,119 --> 00:22:12,600 Speaker 1: to do. But like just before I recorded this episode, 375 00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:15,919 Speaker 1: I went to the Tenement Museum in New York City, 376 00:22:16,440 --> 00:22:18,879 Speaker 1: that is my favorite museum in the world, and I 377 00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:23,080 Speaker 1: booked two back to back tours and I went solo 378 00:22:23,160 --> 00:22:28,800 Speaker 1: and I felt completely content. Maybe for you, that involves 379 00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:31,760 Speaker 1: going out and getting your nails done and getting a 380 00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:33,879 Speaker 1: massage and putting the money you would have spent on 381 00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:38,080 Speaker 1: a fancy dinner or a party into yourself. What is 382 00:22:38,119 --> 00:22:41,040 Speaker 1: something that you really wanted to do this year that 383 00:22:41,080 --> 00:22:43,720 Speaker 1: you haven't had the opportunity to do. Do that on 384 00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:46,800 Speaker 1: your birthday. Maybe it's the zoo, Maybe it's a karaoke night. 385 00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:51,480 Speaker 1: That is how to make yourself feel less pressure, to 386 00:22:51,520 --> 00:22:54,920 Speaker 1: be happy and to have fun in the presence of others, 387 00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:59,720 Speaker 1: and to almost like have fun by yourself. I also 388 00:23:00,119 --> 00:23:02,680 Speaker 1: do this thing every year, and regardless of whether I'm 389 00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:04,919 Speaker 1: doing a big thing or a small thing or a 390 00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:08,040 Speaker 1: completely solo thing, I make sure that around the time 391 00:23:08,080 --> 00:23:11,080 Speaker 1: of my birthday, I take myself out on a date, 392 00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:14,880 Speaker 1: just me and my notebook, and I will go out 393 00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:18,440 Speaker 1: to a restaurant. Often I will literally not have anywhere 394 00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:20,800 Speaker 1: in mind. I will take myself for a walk in 395 00:23:20,840 --> 00:23:23,760 Speaker 1: a part of the city that I know will have 396 00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:26,320 Speaker 1: places to go. I will find a restaurant, I will 397 00:23:26,320 --> 00:23:29,080 Speaker 1: get a tablewhere myself, I will bring my journal, and 398 00:23:29,119 --> 00:23:32,320 Speaker 1: I will ask myself four questions. And I've done this 399 00:23:32,720 --> 00:23:36,200 Speaker 1: every single birthday for the past five years. The questions are, 400 00:23:36,560 --> 00:23:39,240 Speaker 1: what is the most important thing that I have learnt 401 00:23:39,359 --> 00:23:42,399 Speaker 1: in the past year. What is the thing that I 402 00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:47,159 Speaker 1: am most grateful for from the past year, what is 403 00:23:47,480 --> 00:23:50,080 Speaker 1: the most important thing that I have done in the 404 00:23:50,119 --> 00:23:53,760 Speaker 1: past year. And what is one thing that I really 405 00:23:53,840 --> 00:23:56,520 Speaker 1: want to achieve in this next year or that I 406 00:23:56,560 --> 00:23:59,919 Speaker 1: really want to experience or see. And then I just 407 00:24:00,119 --> 00:24:03,720 Speaker 1: let myself also do some general journaling. I just let 408 00:24:03,760 --> 00:24:07,240 Speaker 1: myself spill out onto the page. That's obviously what I'm 409 00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:10,119 Speaker 1: going to do tonight when I go get my little 410 00:24:10,119 --> 00:24:14,320 Speaker 1: breakfast for dinner situation, and I use Actually I should 411 00:24:14,320 --> 00:24:16,560 Speaker 1: have said this, I have a specific journal that I 412 00:24:16,560 --> 00:24:18,960 Speaker 1: only use for this, so it's like my birthday journal, 413 00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:21,439 Speaker 1: and so I'll often read back on all of my 414 00:24:21,720 --> 00:24:24,919 Speaker 1: other entries. Obviously, now I have so many that I 415 00:24:25,040 --> 00:24:26,879 Speaker 1: kind of well, not that many, but enough that I 416 00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:29,560 Speaker 1: kind of forget what I've said and what I've been 417 00:24:29,600 --> 00:24:34,160 Speaker 1: reflecting on. So it's actually a really beautiful, serene experience 418 00:24:34,359 --> 00:24:38,399 Speaker 1: to really sink into the life that I was living 419 00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:41,199 Speaker 1: when I was twenty three, and the life that I 420 00:24:41,240 --> 00:24:43,600 Speaker 1: was living when I was twenty two, and the problems 421 00:24:43,640 --> 00:24:46,320 Speaker 1: I was having when I was eighteen, and I feel 422 00:24:46,359 --> 00:24:50,640 Speaker 1: like I'm right there with her, and yet I'm also growing, 423 00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:53,760 Speaker 1: and I'm also experiencing a whole different life in some 424 00:24:53,920 --> 00:24:57,920 Speaker 1: aspects of it, So that routine is really really important 425 00:24:57,960 --> 00:25:02,320 Speaker 1: to me. More generally, if you're with birthday anxiety, my 426 00:25:02,440 --> 00:25:05,639 Speaker 1: tip is just to do less and to be totally 427 00:25:05,680 --> 00:25:10,159 Speaker 1: okay with doing some things alone and making it a 428 00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:14,879 Speaker 1: little bit smaller. That is always going to lead to 429 00:25:14,920 --> 00:25:18,960 Speaker 1: a more happy experience in my opinion. I also think 430 00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:22,040 Speaker 1: that instead of feeling like you need to be silent 431 00:25:22,080 --> 00:25:25,960 Speaker 1: around your fears of aging or your sense of loneliness 432 00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:28,880 Speaker 1: when it comes to a birthday, whatever it is, please 433 00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:32,600 Speaker 1: like talk about it with someone. Every single time I've 434 00:25:32,640 --> 00:25:37,919 Speaker 1: brought up this specific feeling of stress and worry when 435 00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:41,159 Speaker 1: it comes to my birthday, the person I've spoken to 436 00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:44,080 Speaker 1: has said yeah, me too. I completely get where you're 437 00:25:44,119 --> 00:25:47,760 Speaker 1: coming from. I'm very lucky that my best friend's birthday 438 00:25:48,280 --> 00:25:50,159 Speaker 1: is three days after mine, so I feel like we 439 00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:54,000 Speaker 1: always share these parallel experiences, and every year we kind 440 00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:56,440 Speaker 1: of have the same conversation where we're like, oh my god, 441 00:25:56,520 --> 00:25:59,920 Speaker 1: another year older, ah, like freaking out together, but we 442 00:26:00,160 --> 00:26:04,560 Speaker 1: also feel this real sense of parallelness and camaraderie, and 443 00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:08,919 Speaker 1: we feel like it's quite a unique bond and experience 444 00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:11,320 Speaker 1: to be going through a lot of these emotions and 445 00:26:11,359 --> 00:26:15,200 Speaker 1: this process of aging together. The other thing I really 446 00:26:15,280 --> 00:26:17,159 Speaker 1: like to reflect on and that I think might be 447 00:26:17,280 --> 00:26:20,840 Speaker 1: useful is I reflect on all the people I know 448 00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:25,040 Speaker 1: who are five ten years older than me. I think 449 00:26:25,080 --> 00:26:28,679 Speaker 1: it's really important to have friends who are at different 450 00:26:28,720 --> 00:26:31,439 Speaker 1: stages of their life than you. So I have friends 451 00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:34,600 Speaker 1: who are fifty, I have friends who are thirty five. 452 00:26:34,680 --> 00:26:37,520 Speaker 1: I've friends who are nineteen, and it's really valuable to 453 00:26:37,640 --> 00:26:41,040 Speaker 1: kind of get the lived experience and the opinions from them. 454 00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:43,280 Speaker 1: And around the time of my birthday, I always think 455 00:26:43,320 --> 00:26:46,040 Speaker 1: about a few of my friends who are exactly a 456 00:26:46,080 --> 00:26:49,600 Speaker 1: decade older than me, specifically my friend Alisha and my 457 00:26:49,640 --> 00:26:58,000 Speaker 1: friend Lindsey. They at thirty five are the most successful, hottest, poised, 458 00:26:58,240 --> 00:27:01,959 Speaker 1: richest versions of themselves that I've ever seen, and they 459 00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:04,919 Speaker 1: are also the happiest. And I remember as they were 460 00:27:04,960 --> 00:27:09,320 Speaker 1: turning thirty, I did talk to Alisha about this. I 461 00:27:09,359 --> 00:27:11,919 Speaker 1: was twenty, she was thirty. I think I asked some 462 00:27:12,040 --> 00:27:14,919 Speaker 1: naive question around like how do you feel about turning thirty, 463 00:27:14,960 --> 00:27:18,280 Speaker 1: and she was like, I'm terrified. I'm absolutely terrified. Five 464 00:27:18,359 --> 00:27:20,800 Speaker 1: years later, she's like, I'm this is the age I 465 00:27:20,840 --> 00:27:23,719 Speaker 1: want to be forever. I thought that twenty five was amazing. 466 00:27:23,760 --> 00:27:26,480 Speaker 1: I thought the twenty one was amazing. Thirty five is 467 00:27:26,520 --> 00:27:30,159 Speaker 1: the best, like it's you feel so confident, you feel 468 00:27:30,200 --> 00:27:33,000 Speaker 1: so much like yourself. And she also said to me, 469 00:27:33,119 --> 00:27:36,080 Speaker 1: you know, my birthday is not as important as the 470 00:27:36,160 --> 00:27:40,840 Speaker 1: experiences that I'm having, Like this is less mentally straining 471 00:27:40,880 --> 00:27:43,840 Speaker 1: and less mentally exhausting, and there's a lot less pressure 472 00:27:43,880 --> 00:27:47,399 Speaker 1: on it the older I get, and I'm just able 473 00:27:47,440 --> 00:27:50,720 Speaker 1: to have fun with it. I'm just able to prioritize 474 00:27:50,720 --> 00:27:53,600 Speaker 1: what I want to do. And it shows like she 475 00:27:54,119 --> 00:27:58,480 Speaker 1: just looks amazing and she has this like shine coming 476 00:27:58,520 --> 00:28:00,760 Speaker 1: out of her soul that just says present, I know 477 00:28:00,800 --> 00:28:04,560 Speaker 1: who I am and I'm really deeply satisfied and happy. 478 00:28:05,160 --> 00:28:08,800 Speaker 1: Whenever I feel scared about entering a new chapter in 479 00:28:08,800 --> 00:28:11,480 Speaker 1: a new phase of my life, I look to people 480 00:28:11,600 --> 00:28:14,119 Speaker 1: like her and I say, if they've done it, I 481 00:28:14,160 --> 00:28:16,639 Speaker 1: can do it. And look at how amazing it's turning 482 00:28:16,680 --> 00:28:19,480 Speaker 1: out for them, and it brings me a great sense 483 00:28:19,480 --> 00:28:23,280 Speaker 1: of peace. My two final, perhaps a little bit alternative 484 00:28:23,359 --> 00:28:26,920 Speaker 1: tips for dealing with birthday anxiety is to actually celebrate 485 00:28:26,960 --> 00:28:31,320 Speaker 1: your birthday a week afterwards, so that you get over 486 00:28:31,359 --> 00:28:34,600 Speaker 1: the emotional hangarover of your birthday and you feel like 487 00:28:34,640 --> 00:28:39,160 Speaker 1: there's less expectations. It's just a more general celebration. And 488 00:28:39,240 --> 00:28:42,600 Speaker 1: I also really hope that you engage in this mindset 489 00:28:42,600 --> 00:28:46,040 Speaker 1: shift that I've been taking part in the last few 490 00:28:46,120 --> 00:28:48,680 Speaker 1: months a few years, which is to see my life 491 00:28:48,720 --> 00:28:51,360 Speaker 1: as seasons rather than as just a bunch of years. 492 00:28:51,360 --> 00:28:54,200 Speaker 1: And I've spoken about this on the podcast. Before. I 493 00:28:54,320 --> 00:28:57,560 Speaker 1: found that life felt a lot more stressful when it 494 00:28:57,640 --> 00:28:59,680 Speaker 1: felt like there was just this huge chunk of years 495 00:28:59,680 --> 00:29:02,720 Speaker 1: in front of me with nothing really delineating them, nothing 496 00:29:02,760 --> 00:29:05,160 Speaker 1: really setting them apart, and I was just going to 497 00:29:05,200 --> 00:29:07,680 Speaker 1: speed right through them to the end. Instead, what I 498 00:29:07,760 --> 00:29:10,120 Speaker 1: now see and I think of my life as is 499 00:29:10,880 --> 00:29:13,360 Speaker 1: the seasons of a TV show, And you know, I'm 500 00:29:13,400 --> 00:29:16,680 Speaker 1: still in season two. Like, if every season last ten years, 501 00:29:16,720 --> 00:29:19,760 Speaker 1: and that's still a huge number of years, I'm still 502 00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:23,920 Speaker 1: in season two. If every season last five years, I'm 503 00:29:23,920 --> 00:29:28,560 Speaker 1: in season five, but I have perhaps another fifteen seasons 504 00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:30,760 Speaker 1: to go. My math might not be right with that, 505 00:29:30,880 --> 00:29:34,320 Speaker 1: but probably isn't. Yeah, but maybe if I live to 506 00:29:34,320 --> 00:29:38,080 Speaker 1: one hundred, Like, it's better to see yourself as existing 507 00:29:38,240 --> 00:29:41,960 Speaker 1: in these two, three, four or five year periods where 508 00:29:41,960 --> 00:29:45,080 Speaker 1: you're learning something new and you're experiencing a new part 509 00:29:45,080 --> 00:29:48,080 Speaker 1: of your life, and every five years you celebrate that 510 00:29:48,200 --> 00:29:50,680 Speaker 1: milestone and you push yourself to move or to do 511 00:29:50,760 --> 00:29:54,040 Speaker 1: something new instead of just thinking, Okay, a year is gone, 512 00:29:54,080 --> 00:29:56,360 Speaker 1: a year is gone, a year is gone. Really helps 513 00:29:56,360 --> 00:30:00,000 Speaker 1: me put it into perspective. Don't feel like you're behind, Please, 514 00:30:00,200 --> 00:30:02,160 Speaker 1: I promise you there is someone looking at your life 515 00:30:02,200 --> 00:30:05,920 Speaker 1: wishing for it. Know that if you're experiencing a ton 516 00:30:05,960 --> 00:30:08,520 Speaker 1: of loneliness at this point you feel like there's no 517 00:30:08,560 --> 00:30:13,800 Speaker 1: one to celebrate you, that's just this moment. There are amazing, great, 518 00:30:14,000 --> 00:30:18,440 Speaker 1: fabulous relationships coming your way, and this experience of loneliness 519 00:30:18,480 --> 00:30:21,400 Speaker 1: is an important one. But it's going to motivate you 520 00:30:21,440 --> 00:30:24,600 Speaker 1: to reach out, It's going to motivate you to be connected, 521 00:30:25,160 --> 00:30:27,960 Speaker 1: and I just hope this can be a more positive experience. 522 00:30:27,960 --> 00:30:31,400 Speaker 1: Forew I also want to thank you deeply, deeply, deeply 523 00:30:31,560 --> 00:30:34,520 Speaker 1: for being with me for this past year, from twenty 524 00:30:34,520 --> 00:30:37,800 Speaker 1: four to twenty five. I know I've gained so many new, loyal, 525 00:30:37,920 --> 00:30:41,160 Speaker 1: wonderful listeners. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to 526 00:30:41,240 --> 00:30:44,880 Speaker 1: talk about my twenties in as much depth as I want. 527 00:30:45,000 --> 00:30:47,960 Speaker 1: I feel like I gain so much more from this 528 00:30:48,080 --> 00:30:50,760 Speaker 1: than you guys can even imagine. This is like a 529 00:30:50,800 --> 00:30:54,600 Speaker 1: personal diary for me and this episode specifically. You know, 530 00:30:54,640 --> 00:30:56,920 Speaker 1: of course I have my journal exercise, but I'm thinking 531 00:30:56,920 --> 00:30:59,400 Speaker 1: about thirty five year old Gemma or forty five year 532 00:30:59,400 --> 00:31:01,360 Speaker 1: old General, fifty five year old German who's going to 533 00:31:01,360 --> 00:31:03,920 Speaker 1: listen to this episode and be like Wow. We were 534 00:31:03,920 --> 00:31:06,080 Speaker 1: recording that in a hotel room in New York City 535 00:31:06,120 --> 00:31:08,560 Speaker 1: and we felt so much peace and being able to 536 00:31:08,560 --> 00:31:10,920 Speaker 1: reflect on this moment. So thank you for giving me 537 00:31:10,920 --> 00:31:15,080 Speaker 1: the opportunity to make that come true and bring the 538 00:31:15,120 --> 00:31:18,600 Speaker 1: thoughts in my head alive in the form of this podcast. 539 00:31:19,200 --> 00:31:22,120 Speaker 1: As always, if you have an episode suggestion. If you 540 00:31:22,160 --> 00:31:26,800 Speaker 1: have further comments, questions, queries, thoughts about this episode and 541 00:31:26,800 --> 00:31:29,760 Speaker 1: the topic of birthday anxiety in general, feel free to 542 00:31:29,800 --> 00:31:33,760 Speaker 1: reach out to me at that Psychology podcast on Instagram. 543 00:31:34,120 --> 00:31:36,600 Speaker 1: If you loved this episode, leave a comment, leave a 544 00:31:36,640 --> 00:31:39,800 Speaker 1: five star review. Make sure you're following along so that 545 00:31:39,840 --> 00:31:43,760 Speaker 1: you get notified when we have more episodes coming out 546 00:31:43,800 --> 00:31:47,719 Speaker 1: and coming your way. But until next time, stay safe, 547 00:31:48,160 --> 00:31:52,000 Speaker 1: be kind, please be gentle to yourself, and we will 548 00:31:52,040 --> 00:31:53,320 Speaker 1: talk very very soon.