WEBVTT - S31E7: Why Confident People Make People Uncomfortable | MINISODE

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<v Speaker 1>Is doctor dom here from the Cultivating her Space podcast.

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<v Speaker 1>Are you currently a resident of the state of California

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<v Speaker 1>and contemplating starting your therapy journey? Well, if so, please

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<v Speaker 1>reach out to me at doctor Dominique Brusard dot com.

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<v Speaker 1>That's d R D O M I N I q

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<v Speaker 1>U E b R O U ss ar D dot

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<v Speaker 1>com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation. I look

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<v Speaker 1>forward to hearing from you. Welcome to Cultivating her Space.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm doctor dom a college professor and licensed psychologist.

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<v Speaker 2>And I'm Terry Lomax, a techie and motivational speaker. Now,

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<v Speaker 2>before we jump into today's episode, we want to share

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<v Speaker 2>something special. For the first time in eight years of podcasting,

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<v Speaker 2>we're taking a much needed summer break. But stay tuned

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<v Speaker 2>to see what that means for you.

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<v Speaker 3>That's right, lady, After nearly a decade of showing up

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<v Speaker 3>week after week, we're giving ourselves a little time to rest, recharge,

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<v Speaker 3>and refill our cups. But don't worry, we're not leaving

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<v Speaker 3>you hanging. Over the next few weeks, we'll be dropping

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<v Speaker 3>these many episodes filled with reflections, insights, encouragement, and some

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<v Speaker 3>of the conversations we think you need right now.

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<v Speaker 2>When we return, you can expect even more of what

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<v Speaker 2>you love, authentic conversations, powerful storytelling, practical tools for healing

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<v Speaker 2>and growth, and fresh perspectives on everything from mental health

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<v Speaker 2>and relationships to self discovery and personal development. Thank you

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<v Speaker 2>for being part of this community and for growing alongside

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<v Speaker 2>us over the years. Now let's get into the mini episode.

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<v Speaker 2>All right, girl, can we talk about something well?

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<v Speaker 4>You gay? I feel like every few.

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<v Speaker 2>Months, the Internet picks a confident woman, usually a confident

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<v Speaker 2>black woman, and decides that she's doing too much.

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<v Speaker 4>I see it by the time.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah.

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<v Speaker 2>I know you don't spend a lot of a lot

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<v Speaker 2>of time in pop culture, but you know that's my world.

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<v Speaker 2>I'll be up in there, and I feel like we

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<v Speaker 2>see it with celebrities, we see it with influencers. Sometimes

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<v Speaker 2>you may see it in the workplace, right, somebody's getting

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<v Speaker 2>too much shine. Then people will start, you know, first

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<v Speaker 2>they're rooting for you, and then you get too much

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<v Speaker 2>shine and it's like, oh, she thinks she all that,

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<v Speaker 2>da da da, And I think about you know. Keiki Palmer.

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<v Speaker 2>She was recently at the BET Awards and people were

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<v Speaker 2>talking about her taking the mic from drew Ski and

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<v Speaker 2>saying like this should be my gig. I personally think

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<v Speaker 2>that was scripture. I don't think she just got up

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<v Speaker 2>and did that shit. I think this was part of

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<v Speaker 2>the show. But she is a confident woman. She's doing

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<v Speaker 2>her thing right now, right. I think about Beyonna, I

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<v Speaker 2>think about someone Biles. I think think about Meg the

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<v Speaker 2>Stallion man. People really mad, confident, sexually liberated black woman.

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<v Speaker 4>Baby.

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<v Speaker 2>They hate it's real, not at all any woman who

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<v Speaker 2>you see who's unapologetic, right, It's like the hate train

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<v Speaker 2>is crazy. So I'm I want to know, Lady dom,

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<v Speaker 2>why do you think confidence in women can make people

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<v Speaker 2>so uncomfortable?

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<v Speaker 4>I have my own thoughts that I'm gonna hear from you.

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<v Speaker 3>First, because it's like holding a mirror to themselves and

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<v Speaker 3>shining a light on their own insecurities, whatever that might be.

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<v Speaker 3>And oftentimes I'm about to make a controversial statement, Internet

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<v Speaker 3>gonna come for me, and it's fine, all right, as

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<v Speaker 3>it's kept. Black men are super fragile, and so when

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<v Speaker 3>you mention all those women, I immediately thought of the

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<v Speaker 3>most of the Internet trolls that are coming for those

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<v Speaker 3>black women are insecure, fragile black men. Uh, oh. Now,

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<v Speaker 3>let me be clear, there are lots of healthy, secure,

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<v Speaker 3>confidence black men out there. Those are the ones that

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<v Speaker 3>don't need to speak. They're not speaking, they're keeping their

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<v Speaker 3>mouths closed because they let their actions speak for them.

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<v Speaker 3>It's the ones that are the loudest and most wrong

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<v Speaker 3>that are feeling the insecurity and don't know how to

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<v Speaker 3>engage with a confident black woman.

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<v Speaker 4>Now let me just let me tell you this. Okay,

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<v Speaker 4>I'm give you all some tea. Now.

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<v Speaker 2>The reason I really like this conversation is because I've

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<v Speaker 2>been that insecure woman on the other side who's witnessed

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<v Speaker 2>confident black men, confident black women, confident people, and I

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<v Speaker 2>judge them. So now that I'm on the other side

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<v Speaker 2>of that journey, like, I can offer both perspectives that

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<v Speaker 2>maybe you too. Maybe you've been on both sides and

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<v Speaker 2>you're like, oh, I can see that, I see it

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<v Speaker 2>from a mile away. So I have empathy for those people.

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<v Speaker 2>But I think a lot of times it can be

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<v Speaker 2>about expectations as well, in addition to the insecurity. And

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<v Speaker 2>so I know, growing up, I was taught many of

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<v Speaker 2>we're taught to be agreeable, to be a combidant, and

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<v Speaker 2>to be humble, to be modest, right, to be grateful,

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<v Speaker 2>and easy to like. And so when a woman, specifically right,

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<v Speaker 2>a black woman walks into a room and she owns

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<v Speaker 2>her voice, she sets boundaries, she takes up space, she

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<v Speaker 2>is comfortable. I'm thinking about Meg the Stallion personally because

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<v Speaker 2>I love how confident she is, Like, I love how

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<v Speaker 2>sexually liberated she is, the shit she talks about, I'm like, yeah, bitch, like,

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<v Speaker 2>let's all of it, like like I fuck with it, right,

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<v Speaker 2>And so I think a lot of times when you

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<v Speaker 2>see a woman like that, and then she's beautiful, and

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<v Speaker 2>then she got a body, right, she got this big

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<v Speaker 2>old ass that people talk about, right, or she got

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<v Speaker 2>her titties out. People can see that, and they can

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<v Speaker 2>be intimidated by it. They can be you know, self

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<v Speaker 2>conscious right for whatever reasons, whatever they got going on.

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<v Speaker 2>People may call her arrogant or too much or difficult

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<v Speaker 2>or aggressive. And at the end of the day, I

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<v Speaker 2>think we should be confident. We should be we should

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<v Speaker 2>talk our shit about ourselves like we should be. We

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<v Speaker 2>should look in the mirror and like you're the badest motherfucker,

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<v Speaker 2>you the badest motherfucker out here, Like we should feel

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<v Speaker 2>that way about ours. But I think because of what

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<v Speaker 2>a lot of us were taught in the expectations, it

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<v Speaker 2>can make us uncomfortable.

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<v Speaker 4>And like you said, dom, put a.

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<v Speaker 2>Mirror up and show you how you don't feel about yourself, right, or.

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<v Speaker 3>How maybe you do feel that that way about yourself,

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<v Speaker 3>but you're afraid because of how we've been socialized, you're

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<v Speaker 3>afraid to put it out there. And so then there's

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<v Speaker 3>some envy around how observing how a confident woman is engaging.

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<v Speaker 3>There's some envy around that.

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<v Speaker 2>Girl you hit the nail on the head because I

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<v Speaker 2>remember back when, like I've always loved to dance, and

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<v Speaker 2>I've always.

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<v Speaker 4>I felt like my bad le we.

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<v Speaker 2>I think we talked about this on one of our

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<v Speaker 2>Good Girl episodes, But I always like I knew I

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<v Speaker 2>was in school when I you know, doing the school thing,

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<v Speaker 2>get my degree, But I always knew I had to.

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<v Speaker 2>I was ratchet at heart, Like I love to, you know,

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<v Speaker 2>do ratsshit with my hood, right friends, Like you know,

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<v Speaker 2>just twerk and drink it just be wild sometimes, right.

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<v Speaker 4>I love that. And I saw women who were doing

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<v Speaker 4>that on.

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<v Speaker 2>Like social and I'd be like, damn, I want to

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<v Speaker 2>be more like I want to be able to showcase

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<v Speaker 2>more of that part of myself and like be in that,

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<v Speaker 2>but I didn't have a space in life to really

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<v Speaker 2>do that, and I was being hate.

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<v Speaker 4>As much in that season in my life.

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<v Speaker 2>And so I think some people are like that down

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<v Speaker 2>where they may feel the confidence, but because they don't

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<v Speaker 2>have a space to exude that and to illustrate that

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<v Speaker 2>and to tap into that part of themselves, it's easy

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<v Speaker 2>to shun and ostracize other women who are liberated and

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<v Speaker 2>who are doing it.

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<v Speaker 3>Yes, I yeah, I would agree with that, And I

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<v Speaker 3>think that the thing that I think about is that

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<v Speaker 3>when you have someone who people are saying they're too much, right,

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<v Speaker 3>I think again it goes back to people feeling maybe

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<v Speaker 3>envious of there of that person's freedom to be all

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<v Speaker 3>of who they are. Right. Sometimes the the specific comment

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<v Speaker 3>they're too much can be about the person who's making

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<v Speaker 3>the comment a level of emotional intensity that they don't

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<v Speaker 3>know how to regulate, that they don't know how to

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<v Speaker 3>sit with or be with because they're not used to it. Right,

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<v Speaker 3>So someone is out here expressing all the joy that

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<v Speaker 3>they're experiencing and you don't know how to be with

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<v Speaker 3>that much joy. You don't know what that's like, and

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<v Speaker 3>so then you say that they're too much because you

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<v Speaker 3>don't know how to be with that, Like, it does

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<v Speaker 3>feel like too much because it's foreign to you. Right. Yeah,

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<v Speaker 3>it could be that they've been socialized to suppress their emotions.

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<v Speaker 3>So anyone who has any emotional expression feels like that

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<v Speaker 3>person is too much because they were taught emotional expression

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<v Speaker 3>is not something that happens, right, Like, you keep that

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<v Speaker 3>to yourselves, right, And so what they're really saying with

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<v Speaker 3>that is you're expressing what I was never allowed to express.

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<v Speaker 4>Oh that is good.

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<v Speaker 3>And so I think the thing to remember is that

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<v Speaker 3>usually the people who are saying someone is too much,

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<v Speaker 3>it's not about the person who they're saying is too much.

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<v Speaker 3>It's about themselves, something that's happening within them exactly.

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<v Speaker 2>All right, lady, we're going to take a quick pause

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<v Speaker 3>And now let's get back to the conversation.

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<v Speaker 2>And then the question becomes like too much for whom?

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<v Speaker 2>Because just because someone else is doing something that may

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<v Speaker 2>be too much for me. Even today, I may see

0:11:15.000 --> 0:11:17.600
<v Speaker 2>someone I'm like, oh wow, like they're they doing a lot?

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<v Speaker 2>Like they doing that, but it may not be something

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<v Speaker 2>that I want to do. But it doesn't mean I

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<v Speaker 2>have to judge that person, right, Let them be like,

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<v Speaker 2>I don't need it's none of my business.

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<v Speaker 4>I don't know what their journey is.

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<v Speaker 2>I don't know where what they've had to fight in

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<v Speaker 2>their life to become confident and free in their body.

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<v Speaker 2>So I think a lot of this goes to like

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<v Speaker 2>minding our own business right. There's like a little bit

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<v Speaker 2>of that minding the business that pays us right doing that.

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<v Speaker 2>But then also just understanding that everyone has their own journey.

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<v Speaker 2>You just don't know what people are going through, right,

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<v Speaker 2>And so if someone I think about when we did

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<v Speaker 2>our live show and we did our twork session, and

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<v Speaker 2>for me, I know some people may not understand this,

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<v Speaker 2>but for me, tworking is bigger than just being free

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<v Speaker 2>and shaking ass, even though we love to throw some

0:11:57.040 --> 0:11:59.520
<v Speaker 2>ass like as as someone who survived like you know,

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<v Speaker 2>toxual trauma and things of that nature, it has been

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<v Speaker 2>so liberating for me to feel and be in my body.

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<v Speaker 2>And I do that at home. It's not something I

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<v Speaker 2>just like. It's not my thing to always display it

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<v Speaker 2>online per se. You know, I may have posted a

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<v Speaker 2>video or two over the years, like it's something I

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<v Speaker 2>do to liberate my body. It's like free up that

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<v Speaker 2>just open up that sacred shack ra, you know what

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<v Speaker 2>I mean, just like feel the things that I didn't

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<v Speaker 2>feel before because I felt so restricted in my body.

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<v Speaker 4>And so I think it's a bigger story.

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<v Speaker 2>And sometimes when we see someone, whether it's be confident

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<v Speaker 2>and speak up in a meeting or on a stage,

0:12:31.240 --> 0:12:34.000
<v Speaker 2>or just how they show up, like having more empathy

0:12:34.000 --> 0:12:35.760
<v Speaker 2>in like mind than our business, because you don't know

0:12:36.000 --> 0:12:38.640
<v Speaker 2>what that person, how they fought to get there, and

0:12:38.679 --> 0:12:41.200
<v Speaker 2>what they've been through to express and exude that type

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<v Speaker 2>of confidence.

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<v Speaker 3>Yes, and I think the thing to I think that

0:12:47.040 --> 0:12:51.400
<v Speaker 3>is important. All of that is important to remember because

0:12:51.960 --> 0:12:55.079
<v Speaker 3>the reality is for a lot for us as black

0:12:55.160 --> 0:13:01.200
<v Speaker 3>women being told we're too much or people, it's about

0:13:01.240 --> 0:13:04.840
<v Speaker 3>people trying to police us, right, yeah, trying to police

0:13:04.880 --> 0:13:10.480
<v Speaker 3>our police, our voices, police our confidence, as we've been saying,

0:13:10.520 --> 0:13:15.079
<v Speaker 3>police our ambitions, our emotional needs, like finding a way

0:13:15.120 --> 0:13:17.560
<v Speaker 3>for people to people are trying to use that to

0:13:17.600 --> 0:13:19.839
<v Speaker 3>find a way to control us.

0:13:22.320 --> 0:13:24.160
<v Speaker 2>And so a couple of things to keep in mind, lady,

0:13:24.520 --> 0:13:28.360
<v Speaker 2>as you are either evolving or embarking on your confidence

0:13:28.440 --> 0:13:31.800
<v Speaker 2>journey or like notice when you're shrinking, you know, do

0:13:31.880 --> 0:13:36.240
<v Speaker 2>you overexplain? Do you apologize unnecessarily. Do you minimize your

0:13:36.240 --> 0:13:40.800
<v Speaker 2>accomplishments or ask for permission instead of making a decision right,

0:13:41.120 --> 0:13:43.120
<v Speaker 2>think about those moments where you shrink and where you

0:13:43.200 --> 0:13:46.120
<v Speaker 2>might be able to stand a little bit taller. And

0:13:46.240 --> 0:13:49.960
<v Speaker 2>also ask yourself, am I trying to be respected or

0:13:50.080 --> 0:13:50.680
<v Speaker 2>just liked?

0:13:51.280 --> 0:13:54.760
<v Speaker 4>Oh? That's a big one. I used to just want

0:13:54.760 --> 0:13:55.080
<v Speaker 4>to be liked.

0:13:55.080 --> 0:13:58.400
<v Speaker 2>I feel like being respected is probably probably the better

0:13:58.440 --> 0:13:59.080
<v Speaker 2>way to go.

0:13:59.720 --> 0:14:07.480
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, and confidence isn't about being the loudest person. It's

0:14:07.520 --> 0:14:11.760
<v Speaker 3>about trusting yourself. There are lots of people that I

0:14:11.880 --> 0:14:17.760
<v Speaker 3>know that are extremely confident, and they walk into spaces

0:14:18.480 --> 0:14:22.280
<v Speaker 3>and they are definitely not the loudest person in the room,

0:14:23.360 --> 0:14:26.960
<v Speaker 3>but when they have something to say, they do speak

0:14:27.080 --> 0:14:31.560
<v Speaker 3>up and the people listen. The final thing to remember

0:14:31.760 --> 0:14:37.240
<v Speaker 3>is that someone else's discomfort doesn't automatically mean you're doing

0:14:37.320 --> 0:14:43.360
<v Speaker 3>something wrong. I'm gonna say that one more time. Someone

0:14:43.600 --> 0:14:51.000
<v Speaker 3>else's discomfort does not automatically mean you're doing something wrong.

0:14:52.880 --> 0:14:58.760
<v Speaker 3>Oftentimes it's about them and things that they need to

0:14:58.800 --> 0:14:59.320
<v Speaker 3>work through.

0:15:00.480 --> 0:15:00.960
<v Speaker 4>Here we go.

0:15:01.040 --> 0:15:03.200
<v Speaker 2>I think that is the message of the episode. And

0:15:03.280 --> 0:15:05.400
<v Speaker 2>just remember, lady, you do not have to make yourself

0:15:05.480 --> 0:15:09.200
<v Speaker 2>smaller so other people can feel bigger, be you. You

0:15:09.280 --> 0:15:12.240
<v Speaker 2>deserve to be confident. You the baddest. Okay, tell yourself

0:15:12.240 --> 0:15:15.400
<v Speaker 2>of the mirror, you the baddest you heard, and we

0:15:15.480 --> 0:15:17.280
<v Speaker 2>hope you enjoyed this many episode and we'll catch you

0:15:17.360 --> 0:15:21.800
<v Speaker 2>on the next one. Lady, if you want more speaking engagements,

0:15:21.840 --> 0:15:25.640
<v Speaker 2>collaborations or visibility for your brand, I gotta tell you

0:15:25.680 --> 0:15:27.760
<v Speaker 2>the truth. This is Terry low Max and I've been

0:15:27.800 --> 0:15:31.440
<v Speaker 2>a public speaker for over twelve years. I've landed national media,

0:15:31.800 --> 0:15:35.720
<v Speaker 2>a TED talk, and six figure collaborations without a publicist

0:15:35.800 --> 0:15:38.240
<v Speaker 2>or a big social media following. And here's what most

0:15:38.240 --> 0:15:40.800
<v Speaker 2>people don't hear. You don't need a publicist or a

0:15:40.800 --> 0:15:43.880
<v Speaker 2>massive audience to get booked. Most people are waiting to

0:15:43.920 --> 0:15:47.760
<v Speaker 2>feel established first, and that waiting is costing them visibility.

0:15:47.840 --> 0:15:50.360
<v Speaker 2>How many times have you looked up and seeing people

0:15:50.400 --> 0:15:53.760
<v Speaker 2>with less experience getting opportunities you were fully qualified for.

0:15:54.120 --> 0:15:57.480
<v Speaker 2>Here's the truth. Opportunities don't go to the most qualified.

0:15:57.720 --> 0:16:01.600
<v Speaker 2>They go to the people who can clearly communicate their value.

0:16:01.680 --> 0:16:04.320
<v Speaker 2>Once I learned how to organize my story and position

0:16:04.400 --> 0:16:08.880
<v Speaker 2>my expertise using a framework, everything changed. If you want

0:16:08.880 --> 0:16:12.560
<v Speaker 2>my exact pitch emails, word for word, my winning subject

0:16:12.600 --> 0:16:17.000
<v Speaker 2>lines and the Saucy Solutions framework. Visit get that Pitch

0:16:17.120 --> 0:16:20.760
<v Speaker 2>dot com for a limited time use code her Space

0:16:20.800 --> 0:16:23.240
<v Speaker 2>for a special listener discount. If this is your year

0:16:23.280 --> 0:16:26.680
<v Speaker 2>to stop hiding and start getting booked, I'll see you inside.

0:16:27.280 --> 0:16:32.680
<v Speaker 2>Visit get that pitch dot com or click the link

0:16:32.680 --> 0:16:33.480
<v Speaker 2>in our show notes.

0:16:35.760 --> 0:16:39.800
<v Speaker 3>Thanks for tuning into Cultivating her Space. Remember that while

0:16:39.840 --> 0:16:44.640
<v Speaker 3>this podcast is all about healing, empowerment, and resilience, it's

0:16:44.720 --> 0:16:48.600
<v Speaker 3>not a substitute for therapy. If you or someone you

0:16:48.720 --> 0:16:52.760
<v Speaker 3>know needs support, check out resources like Therapy for Black

0:16:52.800 --> 0:16:57.440
<v Speaker 3>Girls or Psychology Today. If you love today's episode, do

0:16:57.560 --> 0:16:59.520
<v Speaker 3>us a favor and share it with a friend who

0:16:59.560 --> 0:17:04.080
<v Speaker 3>needs some inspiration, or leave us a quick five star review.

0:17:04.760 --> 0:17:07.640
<v Speaker 3>Your support needs the world to us and helps keep

0:17:07.800 --> 0:17:08.840
<v Speaker 3>this space thriving.

0:17:09.440 --> 0:17:12.879
<v Speaker 2>And before we meet again, repeat after me and move

0:17:13.040 --> 0:17:18.439
<v Speaker 2>in alignment not urgency. What's meant for me? Responds to me,

0:17:22.680 --> 0:17:25.760
<v Speaker 2>chep Thriving Lady and tune in next Friday for more

0:17:25.840 --> 0:17:30.000
<v Speaker 2>inspiration from Cultivating her Space. In the meantime, be sure

0:17:30.000 --> 0:17:33.920
<v Speaker 2>to connect with us on Instagram at her Space Podcast.