Speaker 1: Is doctor dom here from the Cultivating her Space podcast.
Speaker 1: Are you currently a resident of the state of California
Speaker 1: and contemplating starting your therapy journey? Well, if so, please
Speaker 1: reach out to me at doctor Dominique Brusard dot com.
Speaker 1: That's d R D O M I N I q
Speaker 1: U E b R O U ss ar D dot
Speaker 1: com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation. I look
Speaker 1: forward to hearing from you. Welcome to Cultivating her Space.
Speaker 1: I'm doctor dom a college professor and licensed psychologist.
Speaker 2: And I'm Terry Lomax, a techie and motivational speaker. Now,
Speaker 2: before we jump into today's episode, we want to share
Speaker 2: something special. For the first time in eight years of podcasting,
Speaker 2: we're taking a much needed summer break. But stay tuned
Speaker 2: to see what that means for you.
Speaker 3: That's right, lady, After nearly a decade of showing up
Speaker 3: week after week, we're giving ourselves a little time to rest, recharge,
Speaker 3: and refill our cups. But don't worry, we're not leaving
Speaker 3: you hanging. Over the next few weeks, we'll be dropping
Speaker 3: these many episodes filled with reflections, insights, encouragement, and some
Speaker 3: of the conversations we think you need right now.
Speaker 2: When we return, you can expect even more of what
Speaker 2: you love, authentic conversations, powerful storytelling, practical tools for healing
Speaker 2: and growth, and fresh perspectives on everything from mental health
Speaker 2: and relationships to self discovery and personal development. Thank you
Speaker 2: for being part of this community and for growing alongside
Speaker 2: us over the years. Now let's get into the mini episode.
Speaker 2: All right, girl, can we talk about something well?
Speaker 4: You gay? I feel like every few.
Speaker 2: Months, the Internet picks a confident woman, usually a confident
Speaker 2: black woman, and decides that she's doing too much.
Speaker 4: I see it by the time.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I know you don't spend a lot of a lot
Speaker 2: of time in pop culture, but you know that's my world.
Speaker 2: I'll be up in there, and I feel like we
Speaker 2: see it with celebrities, we see it with influencers. Sometimes
Speaker 2: you may see it in the workplace, right, somebody's getting
Speaker 2: too much shine. Then people will start, you know, first
Speaker 2: they're rooting for you, and then you get too much
Speaker 2: shine and it's like, oh, she thinks she all that,
Speaker 2: da da da, And I think about you know. Keiki Palmer.
Speaker 2: She was recently at the BET Awards and people were
Speaker 2: talking about her taking the mic from drew Ski and
Speaker 2: saying like this should be my gig. I personally think
Speaker 2: that was scripture. I don't think she just got up
Speaker 2: and did that shit. I think this was part of
Speaker 2: the show. But she is a confident woman. She's doing
Speaker 2: her thing right now, right. I think about Beyonna, I
Speaker 2: think about someone Biles. I think think about Meg the
Speaker 2: Stallion man. People really mad, confident, sexually liberated black woman.
Speaker 4: Baby.
Speaker 2: They hate it's real, not at all any woman who
Speaker 2: you see who's unapologetic, right, It's like the hate train
Speaker 2: is crazy. So I'm I want to know, Lady dom,
Speaker 2: why do you think confidence in women can make people
Speaker 2: so uncomfortable?
Speaker 4: I have my own thoughts that I'm gonna hear from you.
Speaker 3: First, because it's like holding a mirror to themselves and
Speaker 3: shining a light on their own insecurities, whatever that might be.
Speaker 3: And oftentimes I'm about to make a controversial statement, Internet
Speaker 3: gonna come for me, and it's fine, all right, as
Speaker 3: it's kept. Black men are super fragile, and so when
Speaker 3: you mention all those women, I immediately thought of the
Speaker 3: most of the Internet trolls that are coming for those
Speaker 3: black women are insecure, fragile black men. Uh, oh. Now,
Speaker 3: let me be clear, there are lots of healthy, secure,
Speaker 3: confidence black men out there. Those are the ones that
Speaker 3: don't need to speak. They're not speaking, they're keeping their
Speaker 3: mouths closed because they let their actions speak for them.
Speaker 3: It's the ones that are the loudest and most wrong
Speaker 3: that are feeling the insecurity and don't know how to
Speaker 3: engage with a confident black woman.
Speaker 4: Now let me just let me tell you this. Okay,
Speaker 4: I'm give you all some tea. Now.
Speaker 2: The reason I really like this conversation is because I've
Speaker 2: been that insecure woman on the other side who's witnessed
Speaker 2: confident black men, confident black women, confident people, and I
Speaker 2: judge them. So now that I'm on the other side
Speaker 2: of that journey, like, I can offer both perspectives that
Speaker 2: maybe you too. Maybe you've been on both sides and
Speaker 2: you're like, oh, I can see that, I see it
Speaker 2: from a mile away. So I have empathy for those people.
Speaker 2: But I think a lot of times it can be
Speaker 2: about expectations as well, in addition to the insecurity. And
Speaker 2: so I know, growing up, I was taught many of
Speaker 2: we're taught to be agreeable, to be a combidant, and
Speaker 2: to be humble, to be modest, right, to be grateful,
Speaker 2: and easy to like. And so when a woman, specifically right,
Speaker 2: a black woman walks into a room and she owns
Speaker 2: her voice, she sets boundaries, she takes up space, she
Speaker 2: is comfortable. I'm thinking about Meg the Stallion personally because
Speaker 2: I love how confident she is, Like, I love how
Speaker 2: sexually liberated she is, the shit she talks about, I'm like, yeah, bitch, like,
Speaker 2: let's all of it, like like I fuck with it, right,
Speaker 2: And so I think a lot of times when you
Speaker 2: see a woman like that, and then she's beautiful, and
Speaker 2: then she got a body, right, she got this big
Speaker 2: old ass that people talk about, right, or she got
Speaker 2: her titties out. People can see that, and they can
Speaker 2: be intimidated by it. They can be you know, self
Speaker 2: conscious right for whatever reasons, whatever they got going on.
Speaker 2: People may call her arrogant or too much or difficult
Speaker 2: or aggressive. And at the end of the day, I
Speaker 2: think we should be confident. We should be we should
Speaker 2: talk our shit about ourselves like we should be. We
Speaker 2: should look in the mirror and like you're the badest motherfucker,
Speaker 2: you the badest motherfucker out here, Like we should feel
Speaker 2: that way about ours. But I think because of what
Speaker 2: a lot of us were taught in the expectations, it
Speaker 2: can make us uncomfortable.
Speaker 4: And like you said, dom, put a.
Speaker 2: Mirror up and show you how you don't feel about yourself, right, or.
Speaker 3: How maybe you do feel that that way about yourself,
Speaker 3: but you're afraid because of how we've been socialized, you're
Speaker 3: afraid to put it out there. And so then there's
Speaker 3: some envy around how observing how a confident woman is engaging.
Speaker 3: There's some envy around that.
Speaker 2: Girl you hit the nail on the head because I
Speaker 2: remember back when, like I've always loved to dance, and
Speaker 2: I've always.
Speaker 4: I felt like my bad le we.
Speaker 2: I think we talked about this on one of our
Speaker 2: Good Girl episodes, But I always like I knew I
Speaker 2: was in school when I you know, doing the school thing,
Speaker 2: get my degree, But I always knew I had to.
Speaker 2: I was ratchet at heart, Like I love to, you know,
Speaker 2: do ratsshit with my hood, right friends, Like you know,
Speaker 2: just twerk and drink it just be wild sometimes, right.
Speaker 4: I love that. And I saw women who were doing
Speaker 4: that on.
Speaker 2: Like social and I'd be like, damn, I want to
Speaker 2: be more like I want to be able to showcase
Speaker 2: more of that part of myself and like be in that,
Speaker 2: but I didn't have a space in life to really
Speaker 2: do that, and I was being hate.
Speaker 4: As much in that season in my life.
Speaker 2: And so I think some people are like that down
Speaker 2: where they may feel the confidence, but because they don't
Speaker 2: have a space to exude that and to illustrate that
Speaker 2: and to tap into that part of themselves, it's easy
Speaker 2: to shun and ostracize other women who are liberated and
Speaker 2: who are doing it.
Speaker 3: Yes, I yeah, I would agree with that, And I
Speaker 3: think that the thing that I think about is that
Speaker 3: when you have someone who people are saying they're too much, right,
Speaker 3: I think again it goes back to people feeling maybe
Speaker 3: envious of there of that person's freedom to be all
Speaker 3: of who they are. Right. Sometimes the the specific comment
Speaker 3: they're too much can be about the person who's making
Speaker 3: the comment a level of emotional intensity that they don't
Speaker 3: know how to regulate, that they don't know how to
Speaker 3: sit with or be with because they're not used to it. Right,
Speaker 3: So someone is out here expressing all the joy that
Speaker 3: they're experiencing and you don't know how to be with
Speaker 3: that much joy. You don't know what that's like, and
Speaker 3: so then you say that they're too much because you
Speaker 3: don't know how to be with that, Like, it does
Speaker 3: feel like too much because it's foreign to you. Right. Yeah,
Speaker 3: it could be that they've been socialized to suppress their emotions.
Speaker 3: So anyone who has any emotional expression feels like that
Speaker 3: person is too much because they were taught emotional expression
Speaker 3: is not something that happens, right, Like, you keep that
Speaker 3: to yourselves, right, And so what they're really saying with
Speaker 3: that is you're expressing what I was never allowed to express.
Speaker 4: Oh that is good.
Speaker 3: And so I think the thing to remember is that
Speaker 3: usually the people who are saying someone is too much,
Speaker 3: it's not about the person who they're saying is too much.
Speaker 3: It's about themselves, something that's happening within them exactly.
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Speaker 3: And now let's get back to the conversation.
Speaker 2: And then the question becomes like too much for whom?
Speaker 2: Because just because someone else is doing something that may
Speaker 2: be too much for me. Even today, I may see
Speaker 2: someone I'm like, oh wow, like they're they doing a lot?
Speaker 2: Like they doing that, but it may not be something
Speaker 2: that I want to do. But it doesn't mean I
Speaker 2: have to judge that person, right, Let them be like,
Speaker 2: I don't need it's none of my business.
Speaker 4: I don't know what their journey is.
Speaker 2: I don't know where what they've had to fight in
Speaker 2: their life to become confident and free in their body.
Speaker 2: So I think a lot of this goes to like
Speaker 2: minding our own business right. There's like a little bit
Speaker 2: of that minding the business that pays us right doing that.
Speaker 2: But then also just understanding that everyone has their own journey.
Speaker 2: You just don't know what people are going through, right,
Speaker 2: And so if someone I think about when we did
Speaker 2: our live show and we did our twork session, and
Speaker 2: for me, I know some people may not understand this,
Speaker 2: but for me, tworking is bigger than just being free
Speaker 2: and shaking ass, even though we love to throw some
Speaker 2: ass like as as someone who survived like you know,
Speaker 2: toxual trauma and things of that nature, it has been
Speaker 2: so liberating for me to feel and be in my body.
Speaker 2: And I do that at home. It's not something I
Speaker 2: just like. It's not my thing to always display it
Speaker 2: online per se. You know, I may have posted a
Speaker 2: video or two over the years, like it's something I
Speaker 2: do to liberate my body. It's like free up that
Speaker 2: just open up that sacred shack ra, you know what
Speaker 2: I mean, just like feel the things that I didn't
Speaker 2: feel before because I felt so restricted in my body.
Speaker 4: And so I think it's a bigger story.
Speaker 2: And sometimes when we see someone, whether it's be confident
Speaker 2: and speak up in a meeting or on a stage,
Speaker 2: or just how they show up, like having more empathy
Speaker 2: in like mind than our business, because you don't know
Speaker 2: what that person, how they fought to get there, and
Speaker 2: what they've been through to express and exude that type
Speaker 2: of confidence.
Speaker 3: Yes, and I think the thing to I think that
Speaker 3: is important. All of that is important to remember because
Speaker 3: the reality is for a lot for us as black
Speaker 3: women being told we're too much or people, it's about
Speaker 3: people trying to police us, right, yeah, trying to police
Speaker 3: our police, our voices, police our confidence, as we've been saying,
Speaker 3: police our ambitions, our emotional needs, like finding a way
Speaker 3: for people to people are trying to use that to
Speaker 3: find a way to control us.
Speaker 2: And so a couple of things to keep in mind, lady,
Speaker 2: as you are either evolving or embarking on your confidence
Speaker 2: journey or like notice when you're shrinking, you know, do
Speaker 2: you overexplain? Do you apologize unnecessarily. Do you minimize your
Speaker 2: accomplishments or ask for permission instead of making a decision right,
Speaker 2: think about those moments where you shrink and where you
Speaker 2: might be able to stand a little bit taller. And
Speaker 2: also ask yourself, am I trying to be respected or
Speaker 2: just liked?
Speaker 4: Oh? That's a big one. I used to just want
Speaker 4: to be liked.
Speaker 2: I feel like being respected is probably probably the better
Speaker 2: way to go.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and confidence isn't about being the loudest person. It's
Speaker 3: about trusting yourself. There are lots of people that I
Speaker 3: know that are extremely confident, and they walk into spaces
Speaker 3: and they are definitely not the loudest person in the room,
Speaker 3: but when they have something to say, they do speak
Speaker 3: up and the people listen. The final thing to remember
Speaker 3: is that someone else's discomfort doesn't automatically mean you're doing
Speaker 3: something wrong. I'm gonna say that one more time. Someone
Speaker 3: else's discomfort does not automatically mean you're doing something wrong.
Speaker 3: Oftentimes it's about them and things that they need to
Speaker 3: work through.
Speaker 4: Here we go.
Speaker 2: I think that is the message of the episode. And
Speaker 2: just remember, lady, you do not have to make yourself
Speaker 2: smaller so other people can feel bigger, be you. You
Speaker 2: deserve to be confident. You the baddest. Okay, tell yourself
Speaker 2: of the mirror, you the baddest you heard, and we
Speaker 2: hope you enjoyed this many episode and we'll catch you
Speaker 2: on the next one. Lady, if you want more speaking engagements,
Speaker 2: collaborations or visibility for your brand, I gotta tell you
Speaker 2: the truth. This is Terry low Max and I've been
Speaker 2: a public speaker for over twelve years. I've landed national media,
Speaker 2: a TED talk, and six figure collaborations without a publicist
Speaker 2: or a big social media following. And here's what most
Speaker 2: people don't hear. You don't need a publicist or a
Speaker 2: massive audience to get booked. Most people are waiting to
Speaker 2: feel established first, and that waiting is costing them visibility.
Speaker 2: How many times have you looked up and seeing people
Speaker 2: with less experience getting opportunities you were fully qualified for.
Speaker 2: Here's the truth. Opportunities don't go to the most qualified.
Speaker 2: They go to the people who can clearly communicate their value.
Speaker 2: Once I learned how to organize my story and position
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Speaker 2: in our show notes.
Speaker 3: Thanks for tuning into Cultivating her Space. Remember that while
Speaker 3: this podcast is all about healing, empowerment, and resilience, it's
Speaker 3: not a substitute for therapy. If you or someone you
Speaker 3: know needs support, check out resources like Therapy for Black
Speaker 3: Girls or Psychology Today. If you love today's episode, do
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Speaker 3: needs some inspiration, or leave us a quick five star review.
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Speaker 2: And before we meet again, repeat after me and move
Speaker 2: in alignment not urgency. What's meant for me? Responds to me,
Speaker 2: chep Thriving Lady and tune in next Friday for more
Speaker 2: inspiration from Cultivating her Space. In the meantime, be sure
Speaker 2: to connect with us on Instagram at her Space Podcast.