Speaker 1: Talk. We're just too unapologetically black women with an opinion
Speaker 1: who talks back. Hey, everybody's Tavan and it's a j
Speaker 1: and we talk back on the Black Effect podcast Network
Speaker 1: on I HI Radio. We are happy to have y'all
Speaker 1: back listening to us, and we got some crazy ship
Speaker 1: to talk about. The day, I text Tam and told
Speaker 1: her that our new episode, our next episode should be
Speaker 1: on open relationships, and that's based on some of the
Speaker 1: things that I've been experiencing in my monogamous relationship. Well
Speaker 1: it's so crazy because I was in a lift on
Speaker 1: the way to see this nigger, right, and he might
Speaker 1: have been somebody else's bigga. I don't know. But anyway,
Speaker 1: that's besides the part. I was talking to my lift
Speaker 1: driver and we got to chopping it up and we
Speaker 1: were talking about manifesting the things that you want your
Speaker 1: life and energy, and he was like so dope. So
Speaker 1: like I took his card and I went on with life.
Speaker 1: That night, I started doing drugs and drinking and then
Speaker 1: I just kept on, you know. And then later in
Speaker 1: that week, I was talking with my sister and I
Speaker 1: was trying to encourage her about what she thought about
Speaker 1: and how she needed to focus her energy on goodness
Speaker 1: and and then I went in my purse. It was
Speaker 1: this gentleman's car. I think it's it like a healer
Speaker 1: or spiritual guy. So long story short, we got together
Speaker 1: and we talked about spirituality and his practices to manifest
Speaker 1: good things in his life. And then I get a
Speaker 1: text message from a j and she's like, let's talk
Speaker 1: about open relationship and long behold my guests dealing Lane today.
Speaker 1: Hello everybody he's in and then open relationship at an
Speaker 1: open marriage and I was like, ship, you gotta come
Speaker 1: and tell us about it. And we didn't even know
Speaker 1: that at the point. So when we met in the left,
Speaker 1: we were talking about like love and gratitude and manifesting
Speaker 1: that through the practice. That's what Tammy was asking about
Speaker 1: was what is your this? Why? And then why do
Speaker 1: you do the prep? She didn't even ask why. She
Speaker 1: was interested in what the practice was. So then when
Speaker 1: we got together, that's when I gave her the background
Speaker 1: and why I do the love and gratitude practice that
Speaker 1: I do. And then through our conversation when we met
Speaker 1: about the spirituality and the manifesting, then she said that
Speaker 1: she had a podcast and that the topic was going
Speaker 1: to be our open relationships in an open marriage. We
Speaker 1: didn't know that at crazy. It happened when we to
Speaker 1: talk about manifesting. So it was just like the light
Speaker 1: bulbs were going off. Hold on, before we get into
Speaker 1: anything else, let's pay some bills real quick. So Dylan
Speaker 1: is in an open marriage? Has it? Did it start
Speaker 1: out open? So this is what this is what happened,
Speaker 1: and this is what was so important was I was
Speaker 1: meeting new people because I was in a new city.
Speaker 1: I was on Tinder, so I was talking to It
Speaker 1: was a couple of girls at the time, and then
Speaker 1: I met what ended up being my future wife. What happened,
Speaker 1: and I was talking to a couple other people. So
Speaker 1: when we met, we we we hit it off. But
Speaker 1: like I let her know at the beginning, Hey I'm
Speaker 1: talking to a couple other people, but I really like you.
Speaker 1: I was like, I might even date this one girl
Speaker 1: because she won't she won't let me hook up with
Speaker 1: her unless we're like boyfriend girlfriend, And and then she
Speaker 1: was like My wife was like, I don't care because
Speaker 1: I just got out of a five year relationship and
Speaker 1: I'm still exploring my options too. In that moment when
Speaker 1: we both admitted where we were at and our yes.
Speaker 1: It was like that was like the spark of a
Speaker 1: of attraction that actually allowed like a good relationship to
Speaker 1: develop because it was like at the outset of the relationship,
Speaker 1: her and I ended up being honest right away, so
Speaker 1: we didn't bring the mask like, hey, this is who
Speaker 1: I think you want me to be, this is who
Speaker 1: I am. I'm a I'm a hoe like remember one
Speaker 1: Savage and umm Rose. But then okay, so that's self
Speaker 1: awareness of like, well here's my flaws. I lust is
Speaker 1: one of my flaws. Do you accept it? In that moment,
Speaker 1: my wife, well this girl at the time, was like
Speaker 1: I accept it. Now we can really move towards something
Speaker 1: meaningful because the overall acceptance was there. So then when
Speaker 1: I start acting up, she's like, well I already accept you.
Speaker 1: But she knows that we're working through truth and we're
Speaker 1: working towards the long term, so as we continue the relationship.
Speaker 1: It was very quickly realized that we wanted to stay
Speaker 1: together like through that time, like and maybe forever. Like
Speaker 1: we this is what we said, were like, I don't
Speaker 1: know what's going to happen, but like we're going to
Speaker 1: retire with the shitty convertible on the beach. Whatever happens
Speaker 1: in between. Nothing to do is get through it together.
Speaker 1: But we're gonna get through it with communication. And that's
Speaker 1: what happened at the beginning. But guess what. I was
Speaker 1: still a liar, a ho, a manipulator at that point,
Speaker 1: but then truth came in. But I had all this
Speaker 1: residual does she actually accept me while I'm a hoe?
Speaker 1: So then I would I would be doing it in
Speaker 1: the open relationship, like I'd be going to see people,
Speaker 1: I'll be driving to see people, I'd be sucking them,
Speaker 1: and then I'd be feeling like, does she actually accept this?
Speaker 1: And then what happened was I would carry that birden
Speaker 1: around with me and then it would affect my relationship
Speaker 1: with her. But then once I started unloading it truthfully
Speaker 1: to her and she actually accepted me for it, it
Speaker 1: was like, I can actually be myself, come to be
Speaker 1: open if I tell the truth to her. But guess what.
Speaker 1: Guess what, telling the truth is hard and it makes
Speaker 1: you feel like shit sometimes because you have to admit
Speaker 1: where you've sucked up, and that's what nobody wants to do,
Speaker 1: and you have to be accountable for the other person's feelings.
Speaker 1: So while you're out being a hole, is it okay
Speaker 1: for her to be the home at that time? Because
Speaker 1: I know you guys are in a different place now
Speaker 1: so before being married, yes, But the thing is that
Speaker 1: she didn't pursue it as much as I did because
Speaker 1: she's not driven or attached to lust the way that
Speaker 1: I am. She has different flaws, which I always tell
Speaker 1: her she doesn't have flaws, her flaws like she's like lazy.
Speaker 1: But I accepted that. But it's like she really is,
Speaker 1: just like she's there to support. She supports me, and
Speaker 1: I support her. Whatever flaws end up being whatever they
Speaker 1: whatever her flaws manifest, we decided to accept them. She
Speaker 1: accepted me being a hoe, even if she isn't going
Speaker 1: to be as much of a hoe now down the road.
Speaker 1: She experimented too, way less than me because she's not
Speaker 1: as attached to it. But guess what we had that
Speaker 1: honest dialogue about it. Well, how did it make you
Speaker 1: actually feel? What did you guys do? Like she said
Speaker 1: she was getting and was like okay, so all right,
Speaker 1: so this is one thing that men don't Yeah, before well,
Speaker 1: I don't even know when she before we got married,
Speaker 1: we were engaged, she started to explore like more because
Speaker 1: we um What happened was I had done a bunch
Speaker 1: of stuff and not told her about it because I
Speaker 1: didn't feel I still didn't feel comfortable coming and telling
Speaker 1: her the truth. So then once I I had done
Speaker 1: about six things that were like hidden lies and I
Speaker 1: had to not tell her. Then when I brought them
Speaker 1: forth and I was like, this is what I did
Speaker 1: and I had to come clean. It was like basically
Speaker 1: like I'm repenting to my wife, like this is what
Speaker 1: I did wrong. She was like okay, Like she cried,
Speaker 1: there was hurt feelings, I felt like ship. But then
Speaker 1: then we talked about it and we're like, well, how
Speaker 1: do we want to approach this, and it was like
Speaker 1: let's let's do some more exploring. And that's when we
Speaker 1: got on the apps. And then that's when she got
Speaker 1: more involved in doing it and exploring, and then she
Speaker 1: started to she started hanging out with people and she
Speaker 1: she sucked some other people too, and then I got
Speaker 1: to see how that made me feel. And then we
Speaker 1: got to actually truthfully talk about it, and what we
Speaker 1: found out was like we do accept that about each
Speaker 1: other you. We can explore that, but you have to
Speaker 1: tell the truth, like and even when it's hard, because
Speaker 1: like I might be going to fux somebody and you
Speaker 1: don't want to you don't want to call your wife
Speaker 1: or your your fiance and be like, all right, baby,
Speaker 1: I just I'm leaving work, but I'm going to hang
Speaker 1: out with this girl. Like that's a hard conversation. Like
Speaker 1: it's easy in theory to sit here and be like, oh, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'll call her then when it's time to make the
Speaker 1: all and be like, I'm going to fux somebody. And
Speaker 1: you got to tell that to somebody, Yeah, you do.
Speaker 1: You pick the phone up and you call him and
Speaker 1: you tell him. And I've done that with my life
Speaker 1: and she's done that with me. Okay, So you guys
Speaker 1: have a discussion because I told Rozac what we were
Speaker 1: talking about the day and he was like, so do
Speaker 1: they tell each other before after? So y'all, y'all, So
Speaker 1: is the call to ask for permission? We've done both.
Speaker 1: We've done both where it's been like all right, we're
Speaker 1: don't ask, don't tell, just do we do what we do?
Speaker 1: And then we put it on a calendar and then
Speaker 1: it was like if we want to talk about it,
Speaker 1: we do it. Then we did. Well, let's let each
Speaker 1: other know. We have a calendar and as we call
Speaker 1: it church. No, this is good stuff. Man. The calendar
Speaker 1: is called church. So we can share a calendar and
Speaker 1: it will be like seven pm Thursday Church. So that
Speaker 1: means dick for her or I'm going out to get
Speaker 1: to hang out with somebody. And so we've done. We've
Speaker 1: done that where it's like just put on church, don't
Speaker 1: tell me we've done. Let's plan the week and tell
Speaker 1: each other when we're gonna be doing it. So on
Speaker 1: Sunday it's like, hey, I'm hanging out with somebody on
Speaker 1: Tuesday and Thursday. That's that one does. That one sucks. Church. No,
Speaker 1: church is good because it's like you, it's passive aggressive.
Speaker 1: It's like, all right, that's getting the in the calendar
Speaker 1: Church Thursday at seven. We don't even have to talk
Speaker 1: about it. If I don't see it or she doesn't
Speaker 1: see it, we don't even talk about it. But when
Speaker 1: it was like hey, baby, on Tuesday and Thursday, I'm
Speaker 1: going to yeah, yeah, well and then okay, listen to this.
Speaker 1: When this happens, this is what happens Sometimes she would
Speaker 1: get a date right and she'd be like, all right,
Speaker 1: so Wednesday's or date. Then my date would blow me
Speaker 1: off and then she would be and I'm like, that's
Speaker 1: all right. That's when you do some serious like self
Speaker 1: evaluation where you're like, oh my god, like she's out,
Speaker 1: like she's getting pipe. Yeah, because the women turned down
Speaker 1: much more dick than men get pussy, So that's easy
Speaker 1: for her. She go to Walmart ale nine and get anything.
Speaker 1: Alter process is way more intensive. Exactly swipe right, swipe right,
Speaker 1: swipe right, swipe right. I'm taking. So we did that.
Speaker 1: That was part of our process. We we we are
Speaker 1: now beyond that. At one point last year, in the
Speaker 1: year before that, we had two separate like we call
Speaker 1: him like seasons cycles where we like we really we
Speaker 1: really explored it and went hard at it. We used
Speaker 1: the apps, we we met people and we were texting people,
Speaker 1: we were planning things. That's we were having a communication
Speaker 1: all the time about it. Our relationship suffered because we
Speaker 1: were leaking so much energy into other people lust. My
Speaker 1: lust that I indulge was not getting taken out on
Speaker 1: my life. It was getting taken out to other girls.
Speaker 1: And then so then I didn't have time to Like
Speaker 1: I didn't, I wasn't putting in my my energy to her.
Speaker 1: But we already decided way back when when the stock
Speaker 1: is down, we're going to continue to talk about it.
Speaker 1: And we are. Stock was down when we were going
Speaker 1: out and hanging out with other people because we didn't
Speaker 1: we weren't each other. We were we were literally physically disconnected.
Speaker 1: I would be with you and she would be with him.
Speaker 1: And it's like, so now our relationship is suffering. But
Speaker 1: guess what, when you commit to get through that cycle,
Speaker 1: when you come out the other end and have a
Speaker 1: conversation about it, then you can adjust how you approach
Speaker 1: the open relationship. And like, I know, we don't have
Speaker 1: a lot of time right now, but it's like we've
Speaker 1: done like don't ask, don't tell, talk about everything, put
Speaker 1: it on a calendar or or do it and then
Speaker 1: tell me later. And each of them has its own
Speaker 1: set of pros and cons. But like how it affects
Speaker 1: us individually, that's what's most important, because because when I'm
Speaker 1: down and she's down, because we're out doing wasting our
Speaker 1: energy trying to find people to fuck, we're not spending
Speaker 1: that energy on each other and then and y'all actually
Speaker 1: love each other, yes, and then this will happen at
Speaker 1: the end of all these cycles, when we recommit to
Speaker 1: each other to have these conversations for each other, to
Speaker 1: be romantic with each other, it's just we just our
Speaker 1: relationship just goes so much better. Like we're communicated bout
Speaker 1: every we're cooking, we're fucking, we're making love. We're also
Speaker 1: just being silly. We have so much energy for each other.
Speaker 1: Because that energy isn't getting leaked on these new people,
Speaker 1: because it takes like if I'm gonna be present with
Speaker 1: you as a new person, like somebody that meeting for
Speaker 1: the first time, it's like you have all these great feelings.
Speaker 1: It's like, oh, I'm get excited, I get the butterflies.
Speaker 1: It's a new person. They look different, they got different
Speaker 1: and then my wife, they got different asks, like they
Speaker 1: got different interests. They've never I'm an aquarius. They've never
Speaker 1: heard me talk about my spirituality. My wife has heard
Speaker 1: the conversation four million times. My wife is like, shut up,
Speaker 1: I don't care about the high y, I don't care
Speaker 1: about the chakras. And this new girl is like open,
Speaker 1: She's like listening to me, she's asking questions. Then we're
Speaker 1: fucking and then it's like WHOA, that was awesome. And
Speaker 1: then I come back to my wife and she just
Speaker 1: did the same thing, and then we're like going to sleep.
Speaker 1: We're not even touching each other because it's like, see,
Speaker 1: that's what I talk about. Like, that's why I feel
Speaker 1: like I want to open relationship because variety, but a
Speaker 1: lot of people, a lot of people can't admit to that.
Speaker 1: And I feel like a lot of men if they
Speaker 1: get to that point to where they can be honest
Speaker 1: with themselves first, because that's my my god, that's one
Speaker 1: of his things. One of his advices. He knows is
Speaker 1: like lust. And I don't want to get into his
Speaker 1: personal life whatever, but um, you know, like that's that's
Speaker 1: one of his main things. So before so we got engaged,
Speaker 1: he doesn't calculate our relationship before asking me to marry him.
Speaker 1: And we have been to me, in a relationship since
Speaker 1: twenty I would say seventeen. We met at the end
Speaker 1: of so seventeen up until now, we have been in
Speaker 1: a relationship and I dealt with a lot of things
Speaker 1: because to me, like going out and smashing people. I
Speaker 1: feel like I'm just letting somebody else use my pussy
Speaker 1: at that point, if you're not about to change my life,
Speaker 1: because I don't you know, if I'm if I go
Speaker 1: smash somebody, I'm probably trying to leave you. So if
Speaker 1: the person I'm smashing isn't about to change in my life,
Speaker 1: I feel like I don't feel like that's get back
Speaker 1: all the time to me when I started calculating that
Speaker 1: in my mind, like I'm really looking for a replacement
Speaker 1: at that point. So the only time you have six
Speaker 1: outside of your relationship is we're left to level up,
Speaker 1: is what you're saying. Do not do it just for
Speaker 1: your own fulfillment, because I don't feel fulfilled after that.
Speaker 1: I won't feel fulfilled after that for real, because now
Speaker 1: I'm older in this relationship. He had women, and he
Speaker 1: had had we had had conversations before getting engaged, like
Speaker 1: a year or two ago, about being in an open
Speaker 1: relationship or a polygamous relationship where he would have multiple women,
Speaker 1: And I'm like, I'm not fol that, and neither all
Speaker 1: the women that you're fucking with, because they wouldn't be
Speaker 1: stalking you the way they are. You're not being honest
Speaker 1: with people. If you were being honest with me, and
Speaker 1: if you would be honest with them, you wouldn't have
Speaker 1: the problems that you have. And like right now, I
Speaker 1: feel like you are in lust with the fucking headache
Speaker 1: of dealing with these any of them problems exactly. They
Speaker 1: have to tell me because I'm the main one, right.
Speaker 1: So that's what was happening before we got um I'll
Speaker 1: say the year before being engaged, not like the entire
Speaker 1: last year, but the ship pretty much ended maybe the
Speaker 1: end of right, and then when you asked me to
Speaker 1: marry you. But you don't facilitate the relationship prior to
Speaker 1: asking me to marry you because you put me through
Speaker 1: all this stuff. And in his mind he didn't because
Speaker 1: in his mind we weren't in a relationship. But I
Speaker 1: was being faithful to you and probably these other women too.
Speaker 1: But I can't be a hole, you know what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: Like I went through my whole phase to where I
Speaker 1: don't have to I don't feel like I just gotta
Speaker 1: get some dick from someplace else. You know what I'm
Speaker 1: saying is it has to be more of a connection
Speaker 1: for me at this point. So I'm not just going
Speaker 1: out and just sucking people for fun, and you said
Speaker 1: it or you were liked it. Didn't it doesn't fulfill me.
Speaker 1: And that was what I was gonna say. Like every
Speaker 1: the more I did it, and the more I got
Speaker 1: the shiny object, the new the variety, the more I
Speaker 1: realized like it was never going to fulfill me or
Speaker 1: fill the void. It was just gonna be like in
Speaker 1: saytable lust, I could never quench that thirst. I would
Speaker 1: drink a bottle of water, which would be the new girl,
Speaker 1: and then like six weeks, six six minutes later, I
Speaker 1: need to drink another bottle. So it's likely, but so
Speaker 1: it never fulfilled it. But guess where I got the
Speaker 1: fulfillment was with my wife every time when we after
Speaker 1: these after these whole hoodowns, whatever you want to call it.
Speaker 1: When I would come back and then we would rekindle
Speaker 1: with my wife and all my energy would get directed
Speaker 1: to my wife. Every time it would be so much
Speaker 1: deeper and more fulfilling. All right, I was. I hung
Speaker 1: out with the girl about It was probably like twelve
Speaker 1: and fifteen times, and she was a Leo, my wife's
Speaker 1: leo Leo. We hit it off, me and this girl,
Speaker 1: and it was it was almost scary because it was
Speaker 1: really good. It was really and then one time we
Speaker 1: hooked up and then and we talked about all the
Speaker 1: spiritual stuff and it was amazing. And then she I
Speaker 1: was trying to hang out with her and she was like,
Speaker 1: you know, I'm I'm telling the universe that I'm not
Speaker 1: going to hook up with men that leave me and
Speaker 1: go home to another man. And I was like that's powerful,
Speaker 1: Like that's good, you should do that. And then it
Speaker 1: also made me realize like what I was doing, which
Speaker 1: was oh wait, wait go home to another woman who
Speaker 1: she did. She was like, I'm not going to hook up. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I go home. She's like, I can't be hooking up
Speaker 1: if you're gonna just like all right. So we have
Speaker 1: this great conversation, everything's on fire. Then we fun and
Speaker 1: it's amazing. And then it's like she's becoming yeah, and
Speaker 1: she's like this is and I'm becoming connected to her
Speaker 1: because we're hitting it off because she's still knew we're
Speaker 1: talking spear virtual, we're talking ABO, it's going well. She
Speaker 1: sends me that text and all it did for me
Speaker 1: was reinforced like I need to get back home to
Speaker 1: my wife. I can't be dissipating this energy into other people,
Speaker 1: because it's not only fucking with their head, it's taken
Speaker 1: that energy out of my wife. Like, here's what happens
Speaker 1: to my wife and to me when I give her
Speaker 1: all my energy is she then gives the energy back
Speaker 1: to me, and then it's reciprocity. I love her, I
Speaker 1: romance her, I lust her, I touch her hair, I
Speaker 1: we do the thing, we go on the date. Now
Speaker 1: it's easier to do the dishes, it's easier to handle
Speaker 1: the finances, it's easier to clean the house, it's easier
Speaker 1: to move to fire. I told my guy, like, the
Speaker 1: happy life, happy wife is a real thing. It's a
Speaker 1: real thing. It's reciprocity. Yes, because I'm gonna make sure
Speaker 1: you good. If you make sure, if you make sure
Speaker 1: I'm good, I'm gonna make sure you're you're great to look.
Speaker 1: Before we move on to the next segment, let's have
Speaker 1: a word from our sponsors. So you're feeling all those
Speaker 1: good things. You're washing dishes and cooking and rubbing here
Speaker 1: and ship, Yeah, what makes you decide to go get
Speaker 1: a little side and how long? So this is what
Speaker 1: happens after the good time. So we so we're at
Speaker 1: the point where it's like we don't want to go
Speaker 1: search it like so we used the applications like bumble
Speaker 1: and the tinder and all that, and that's like seeking.
Speaker 1: That's like taking your will and putting it out into
Speaker 1: the community. This is what I'm looking for lust. I
Speaker 1: want to not Yes, I'm trying to. So if you
Speaker 1: run into someone, you meet some So that's the next evolution.
Speaker 1: We're at the point where you've come into my car
Speaker 1: and left and I just want to put a disclaim
Speaker 1: where I have not okay, And then that's that's me
Speaker 1: following my my my service oriented career and like my
Speaker 1: out in the community doing my thing. I'm not sitting
Speaker 1: at home alone when I could be reading, when I
Speaker 1: could be working out, when I could be clean and cooking.
Speaker 1: This is I'm working. And then all of a sudden,
Speaker 1: pretty face comes in the car and we work it out.
Speaker 1: Like that's different than me projectively will my comfort of
Speaker 1: my own home. So I call it like a blast.
Speaker 1: You send a blast, you send the same message to
Speaker 1: it's like boom, who yeah, who fucking a knight a night.
Speaker 1: But and then and then you get like you get
Speaker 1: ten hits back, so fifteen ignore ten, hit back, two
Speaker 1: or down. To make a plan, you pick the one, right.
Speaker 1: That's that's different than like living your life. It's like this,
Speaker 1: it's like going and spending your paycheck on drugs versus
Speaker 1: like going and like living your life and somebody's like, hey,
Speaker 1: you want to hit this j It's like I don't
Speaker 1: buy so I can try. So you don't buy the cigarettes,
Speaker 1: you don't buy the weed, you don't buy the thing.
Speaker 1: But like when somebody has a try it, and that's
Speaker 1: the same. Like we're trying to transition that to the
Speaker 1: to the open relationship and the open it's now open
Speaker 1: marriage where it's like we get to get to explore it.
Speaker 1: But this is what we called it at the beginning spot.
Speaker 1: We wanted it to be based on spontaneous human interactions
Speaker 1: like oh we lock eyes and then we just like
Speaker 1: we just look at each other and it's like okay, yes,
Speaker 1: and then we go. Then we can go to be
Speaker 1: out and just like blasting out like hey, I'm trying
Speaker 1: to funk to every girl that's out to have to
Speaker 1: because like you mentioned earlier, yeah she's getting yeah she's
Speaker 1: she's getting still gets them because like and so like
Speaker 1: I know that, because I still like they'll be girls,
Speaker 1: I don't talk to you for six months, nine months,
Speaker 1: then I cycle back through wanting to go out and
Speaker 1: get the thing, and then I'll put my blast out
Speaker 1: and then it's less responsive because when accorded constantly, if
Speaker 1: you're not courting, like you guys know this, you're getting
Speaker 1: men want you and they're letting you know. So we
Speaker 1: have to have like Pazilion, the willpower to not funk
Speaker 1: as much because we get nick thrown at us all day,
Speaker 1: all day and men have to throw to well some
Speaker 1: men I guess have to throw the day. Yeah, well
Speaker 1: that's the thing. Is like, so you you are what's
Speaker 1: getting blasted at. So it's like I see that because
Speaker 1: I've done it. Then she tells me. My wife will
Speaker 1: be like, oh this guy hit me up again. It's
Speaker 1: like you can see, Hey, where are you up to tonight?
Speaker 1: Hey you want to grab a drink. It's like the
Speaker 1: same bullshit, And it's like if you're not courting, then
Speaker 1: they don't respond because there's fifty people that have been
Speaker 1: courting them. So I'll send these blasts out like nine
Speaker 1: months later and like I get no response, because those
Speaker 1: women are like in relationship, they got twenty dudes that's
Speaker 1: been buying them ship taking them out. I just got dick,
Speaker 1: Like yeah that ship was okay. What else? And that's
Speaker 1: what I'm talking about, Like, that's what I'm talking about,
Speaker 1: Like if this person will change my life, but you
Speaker 1: just got some dick for me that everybody got the stock?
Speaker 1: What about this though? Like when it comes to jealousy,
Speaker 1: have you ever like she's like, oh baby, I can't
Speaker 1: fuck you tonight. Tyrone so good, he's tired, Like how
Speaker 1: do you deal with that? Happened? All right? Yes, I
Speaker 1: ain't gonna say no names, but he was not jealous.
Speaker 1: It makes me like it challenges your pride in your
Speaker 1: ego when the dude is like six three, he was
Speaker 1: just he was just stalling. His ass was like thick,
Speaker 1: Like we actually hung out with this couple right and
Speaker 1: the other dude. I was like, Yo, this dude, this
Speaker 1: is that dude right here, he's the man. He's in
Speaker 1: the open relationship. He's like smart, good looking, he's like
Speaker 1: kind of quirky, but he's like I know he's packing.
Speaker 1: And then she told me he was packing, and I
Speaker 1: was like I don't know, well it was. I asked
Speaker 1: because I wanted to confirmed my like, was there pussy good?
Speaker 1: I've asked, I've seen I've seen his lips, I've seen
Speaker 1: his hips in his ass, Like I knew this was funny.
Speaker 1: It's funny. But then it's like you get jealous at
Speaker 1: the beginning, and then when you go through it and
Speaker 1: you communicate about it, you get to a point of acceptance.
Speaker 1: So the jealousy is at the beginning when you're exploring
Speaker 1: and you don't know how you're going to react when
Speaker 1: she leaves you that night to go funk somebody else,
Speaker 1: or I leave her to go funk somebody else. And
Speaker 1: we've done all these different things. I mean, I d
Speaker 1: I've driven hours to go funk somebody. Yeah, so you
Speaker 1: don't know how you're gonna react. I've seen how she reacts,
Speaker 1: I've seen how I react. We both get in our feelings.
Speaker 1: But then through it, it's like you get accustomed to
Speaker 1: dealing with anything, and if you deal with things with
Speaker 1: communication and honesty, and it's like this is how I felt.
Speaker 1: It was like that really challenged my ego when I
Speaker 1: found out that he had a fucking hammer. But it's like, bitch,
Speaker 1: I knew we had a hammer, like but like mean,
Speaker 1: it's like but it's like that. So this is what
Speaker 1: I tell my friends. They're like, how can you do that?
Speaker 1: And it's like, this is the thing. We've accepted that
Speaker 1: we're going to be together to the end. So it's
Speaker 1: like if I come home and the panthers are running
Speaker 1: a train on her. She as a free will individual
Speaker 1: that wants to explore whatever, She's allowed to do that,
Speaker 1: and it's up the world. You get you get my
Speaker 1: reaction reaction, but she's allowed to be herself, and her
Speaker 1: reaction is her reaction. I'm allowed to be myself. I'm
Speaker 1: working on myself. My goal is to not be doing
Speaker 1: this in my thirties and forties. But my goal is
Speaker 1: not to be in my thirties and forties and be
Speaker 1: wishing that I had done it in my twenties. So
Speaker 1: we've been really going at it. So the goal is
Speaker 1: to be you know, when we're hitting into our thirties
Speaker 1: and forties, were like, we're actually mature. Why souls? Because
Speaker 1: we had the experiences where a lot of men and
Speaker 1: women are in these forced monogamous relationships where they're getting
Speaker 1: attention all day from other people, and they want to
Speaker 1: do it, but they don't, so they go to porn
Speaker 1: and they go to vices like other ways to stimulate,
Speaker 1: like get sucked up, whatever it is. They escape because
Speaker 1: it's like they want to be doing something, but they're
Speaker 1: afraid to tell the truth. If they tell the truth,
Speaker 1: they won't be accepted. And then once you're not accepted,
Speaker 1: then you're really going to be looking for somebody else.
Speaker 1: But we decided at the beginning, I accept you. Then
Speaker 1: we struggled, and now it's better. This is corny, but
Speaker 1: it's really like a stock. It was at twenty bucks
Speaker 1: and then it goes to thirty and then when it
Speaker 1: goes back down to twenty five, you need to give
Speaker 1: it attention. You throw more resources at it. Then it
Speaker 1: goes up to thirty five, and then it's just constantly
Speaker 1: up and down. But when you're in those down like
Speaker 1: those cycles where I was talking to you about, like
Speaker 1: we're really just sucking other people. We're not giving each
Speaker 1: other any attention. My and her stock is going down,
Speaker 1: that's when we really come together. We can say we
Speaker 1: talk about what what's been happening while the stock has
Speaker 1: been going down. It's like well, you've been talking, You've
Speaker 1: been with other girls, You've been sucking other girls, given
Speaker 1: other people your attention, you've been indulging your vices. Because
Speaker 1: the devil never travels alone. So my lust comes with
Speaker 1: my gluttony. So it's like I'm going out spending money, eating, eating,
Speaker 1: smoke in drinking, fucking the devil. It never comes alone.
Speaker 1: So it's all my favorite things, saying saying. So you
Speaker 1: find somebody that accepts you, I might be a yell po.
Speaker 1: I've been looking at yell for the best restaurants. The
Speaker 1: way have I met? It comes in these groups of challenge.
Speaker 1: You don't have somewhere to go with that information. You
Speaker 1: keep it inside and then you internalize it and then
Speaker 1: it gets expressed in negative emotion and resentment towards your partner,
Speaker 1: resentment towards your family or career, your other opportunities, because
Speaker 1: you really have this thing eating at you and it's
Speaker 1: hurting you and you have nowhere to express the truth,
Speaker 1: and then that makes you suffer and everybody around you.
Speaker 1: My fiance, he says, you know, he wants to be
Speaker 1: able to be vulnerable with me completely, Like that's his
Speaker 1: idea of being in a relationship with somebody just to
Speaker 1: be able to be completely honest and completely vulnerable. But
Speaker 1: I still feel like we're we obviously on at that.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna tell you a situation I just recently happened.
Speaker 1: I told you, Tammy. Anyway, we were going through it,
Speaker 1: and we went to counseling, were still going to therapy,
Speaker 1: and he said, had something really nasty to me, and
Speaker 1: so I had an opportunity to hook up with somebody else.
Speaker 1: I didn't have sex with him, I went out on
Speaker 1: a date with him. I lied to him, so he
Speaker 1: just you know, he came and brought me four dozen roses.
Speaker 1: It took me to breakfast, all just so he can
Speaker 1: just covertly get my cell phone to go through it
Speaker 1: to find the truth. Right, so then you find it truth.
Speaker 1: His hand started shaking, like, oh fuck, So now I'm busted.
Speaker 1: I didn't tell you the truth because I didn't want
Speaker 1: to hurt you, and we're not in a relationship where
Speaker 1: I feel like I can be honest in that way.
Speaker 1: So now for the last month, he's been putting me
Speaker 1: through hell basically like every and I just told him recently,
Speaker 1: if you were just consistently nasty to me, every day.
Speaker 1: I would be okay with that because that would make
Speaker 1: me leave sooner. But because you like give me all
Speaker 1: these good days and then you give me bad days,
Speaker 1: it's like, uh, like okay, we could probably get through
Speaker 1: this type thing. So that's where the open relationship argument
Speaker 1: came up the other day, which I kind of said
Speaker 1: this to him back in February because I found some
Speaker 1: emails of his and I asked him that. I said,
Speaker 1: you want to be an open relationship, but see, I
Speaker 1: don't feel like men can handle that. I don't know,
Speaker 1: I feel like they can't handle that. They'd rather be
Speaker 1: sneaking and covert. And then you know, they want ownership
Speaker 1: over all of them, all of not just you. They
Speaker 1: want ownership over all the women that they're dealing with,
Speaker 1: like even pussy they never had before. They think it's
Speaker 1: on reserve for him. This is the thing, is like
Speaker 1: men are like that. A lot of my friends, people
Speaker 1: that I know, they are monogamous and then they lie
Speaker 1: in cheat and then they don't they but if their
Speaker 1: woman does it, they will absolutely go absolutely right. So
Speaker 1: that's what So so he feels like I am now
Speaker 1: justifying what I did because of the past history of
Speaker 1: his and I kind of am I can't lie because
Speaker 1: I haven't got over the trauma of those things. And
Speaker 1: my thing is like, you have the audacity to be
Speaker 1: mad at me, now look at the ship you put
Speaker 1: me through, which I shouldn't because I shouldn't be that way,
Speaker 1: because that's really deflecting. I like with um Will and
Speaker 1: Jada Smith, like everybody was like, oh, um, so, so
Speaker 1: Jade is a bad person in relationship because Will just
Speaker 1: was like on her ass when they did a little interview.
Speaker 1: But no, she just wasn't deflecting. She was owning up
Speaker 1: to what she did. She wasn't bringing up what he'd
Speaker 1: done in the past to justify what she did. She
Speaker 1: was just owning her ship and not bringing his ship up.
Speaker 1: And exactly, yes, he definitely has ship. They're big in
Speaker 1: the public, but then look at look at what you
Speaker 1: see from look at their family and their their relationship.
Speaker 1: It's like it's very complicated because it's open, but and
Speaker 1: they're truthful, so look at how it affects their whole dine.
Speaker 1: And there's always the rumors that they were an open relationship.
Speaker 1: And I don't feel like, well, god dick like that.
Speaker 1: So many people do oh god, Okay, you were talking
Speaker 1: about you were getting reciprocity in your relationship that was
Speaker 1: based on wise and manipulation. So one would do it,
Speaker 1: the next one would do it. That's reciprocity too, yeacy, yes,
Speaker 1: because it's gonna be what you are and what you've
Speaker 1: done and what he's done, and yeah if it's not.
Speaker 1: And see, I've never given him anything to deal with,
Speaker 1: so like this is like he's shocked. He's shocked, and like,
Speaker 1: how dare you type ship? And I'm like, you've been
Speaker 1: doing this ship the way you feel. I felt that
Speaker 1: way ten times over. So my thing. So we got
Speaker 1: into argument last week and I text Tammy and I say,
Speaker 1: you know what we need to do our next episode
Speaker 1: on open relationships because to me, an open relationship would
Speaker 1: be just open lines of communication. Healthy ones don't communicate
Speaker 1: as a hair stylus. I'd be a lot of different women.
Speaker 1: I mean, no, we're innocent, let me not say that.
Speaker 1: But women do step out of their relationships out siling
Speaker 1: a bat. They're sneaky and it's just like, yeah, he
Speaker 1: did whatever, he did that and they're comfortable with it.
Speaker 1: Just everybody lying to each other. And I just think
Speaker 1: that's sick. Like, let's just be honest with one to know,
Speaker 1: and everybody has to because we're all human for whatever reason,
Speaker 1: Like men just think they're more human than women. We're
Speaker 1: more human than them, Like we all go through the
Speaker 1: same ship emotionally. I like what you were saying about
Speaker 1: being in salon and being one on one with these
Speaker 1: women and you see that, like they know what their
Speaker 1: men are up to, and then once they see what
Speaker 1: the men are up to, they're like, oh, well, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna just do that. So this is what the problem
Speaker 1: is is like now you're both in the dark. Now
Speaker 1: you don't even know the relationship that you wouldhabit. No trust,
Speaker 1: nobody knows what's actually going on. Well yeah, because if
Speaker 1: it got brought into the light, they would have to
Speaker 1: deal with it. And that's more. That's hard. That's what
Speaker 1: people don't want to do. So they sweep it under
Speaker 1: the rug, they sweep it into the closet, and then
Speaker 1: guess what happens though, when the finances go bad, guess
Speaker 1: what happens All that comes into the lights? Ny, Hey, boom,
Speaker 1: like why did I get married? Boom? That's so then
Speaker 1: we were fortunate enough my wife and I to get
Speaker 1: out in front of that and experiment with hiding but
Speaker 1: still being accepting of the hiding lying, then being out
Speaker 1: in front and talking about it. So now when I
Speaker 1: do something, I'm telling her the next day and we're
Speaker 1: coming clean because I don't want to carry that around
Speaker 1: where other people they're carrying around their darkness. It's heavy.
Speaker 1: They don't want to bring it into the light. When
Speaker 1: they bring it into the light, it's scary to look
Speaker 1: at me because and you've been pushing it away. That's
Speaker 1: when you really see how fucked up it is. And
Speaker 1: people don't want to see how funked up it is.
Speaker 1: They just want to keep going on. He was saying, so,
Speaker 1: how will we do an open relationship? So you're just
Speaker 1: gonna be given different people your phone number and stuff
Speaker 1: like that. And I made a comment just being smart
Speaker 1: at the mouth, because I said, no, maybe we could
Speaker 1: just do with people we've already dealt with before. So
Speaker 1: then last night that made him feel that I want
Speaker 1: to go back and funk with somebody I used to
Speaker 1: funk with, man, I know, And I explained to him,
Speaker 1: like I just was saying something that midst of being angry,
Speaker 1: but like you said, if it's organic, you're out, you
Speaker 1: meet somebody new. I feel like new friends can get
Speaker 1: you place as old friends can't. Right, you meet new people.
Speaker 1: So we married for fifty years, are we not supposed
Speaker 1: to engage when nobody else? Let's be honest. A lot
Speaker 1: of people say that, and then it's like, it's impossible,
Speaker 1: sounds stupid, sounds. Let's be honest, not real, that's not
Speaker 1: real life it was, and then we can get rid
Speaker 1: of the line. The monogamous relationships like fail so much
Speaker 1: because of that, because people are honest about their true
Speaker 1: human desires. Yeah there is a song. It is no
Speaker 1: church in the wild. Oh yeah, there's a thing in there.
Speaker 1: This literally sums up. We formed a new religion. No
Speaker 1: sins as long as there's permission, and deception is the
Speaker 1: only felony. So never funck nobody without telling that ship
Speaker 1: is so it. I love that song before I knew that,
Speaker 1: But then when they listen to it and it came back,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, oh my god, I'm like living this
Speaker 1: that sentence. So I was deceiving though, because I was
Speaker 1: fucking people without telling her. But our religions stated the
Speaker 1: only sin, the only felony is not telling me, and
Speaker 1: it's like, yeah, that's where the open relationship isn't just
Speaker 1: open we fucked, we fuck, we fun. It's open line
Speaker 1: of communication with with yourself, with your partner, and with
Speaker 1: the world because you don't know where the yo. I
Speaker 1: talked to people, and maybe the reason I talked to
Speaker 1: him was because lust, But then it turns into something different.
Speaker 1: I'm able and willing and I don't have to hide
Speaker 1: talking to this person from my wife or anything, and
Speaker 1: then it shuts it down. I just want to talk
Speaker 1: to them with the open mind and see where maybe
Speaker 1: there might be something that's not lust related here as
Speaker 1: an opportunity and what do you what do? Yeah? Yeah,
Speaker 1: open that open because you said it. What are we
Speaker 1: gonna do together and not meet new people? People doesn't
Speaker 1: have to be about just sex exactly. That's I mean.
Speaker 1: I try to explain that all the time, Like, man,
Speaker 1: every guy I know I haven't had sex with. You know.
Speaker 1: I have friends that I have real life platonic relationships with.
Speaker 1: I might talk about you to them, like just to
Speaker 1: get a male perspective about different things, and I've never
Speaker 1: slept with them. Like it's very well possible. I think
Speaker 1: men try to funk every woman they come in contact with,
Speaker 1: so it's kind of hard for them to believe that
Speaker 1: we don't do the same thing. You see what I'm saying, Like,
Speaker 1: I know, he say my home girl, I know you
Speaker 1: probably sucked them. When I say my homeboy, that's really
Speaker 1: my friend. I don't want to get rid of my friends.
Speaker 1: He says this home girl, he's trying to funk them.
Speaker 1: You said your homeboy, he's trying to fuck you. Now,
Speaker 1: all of them. That's you know, that's another thing I've said.
Speaker 1: I said, you know the people that kind of like
Speaker 1: if I feel like I'm straddling a little bit frttenizing.
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm not talking to them, you know, like not.
Speaker 1: I don't talk to anybody else on a day to
Speaker 1: day basis, and I don't really I'm never never want
Speaker 1: to really initiate conversation like people text me, hitting me
Speaker 1: up Instagram. I've had the same phone number since I
Speaker 1: was eighteen, mid thirties now, so you know people, and
Speaker 1: he wants me to change my phone number. I don't
Speaker 1: really want to because I have anxiety about changing my
Speaker 1: note for whatever reason, cause I'm attached to it. For
Speaker 1: whatever reason, it's my number you're in and you're allowed,
Speaker 1: So you're trying to cut my connection off people in
Speaker 1: lines of communication, people of past and potential people in
Speaker 1: the future. He projects that all your homeboys are then
Speaker 1: people that are trying to suck you because he's trying
Speaker 1: to funk all his home girl. Then that's where the
Speaker 1: fear of like, well, who are you talking to and
Speaker 1: what could they be to me? A threat? And then
Speaker 1: that threatens my position as the dominant male, and then
Speaker 1: that scares me because I'm not accepted and I'm inferior
Speaker 1: in my own self. That's why men have that that fear,
Speaker 1: because they don't want to be overtaken by the better man.
Speaker 1: That's what the long term we're committed is crucial, because
Speaker 1: then when the fucking the dude rides in out of
Speaker 1: field on his horse and he's smart and funny and rich,
Speaker 1: and I'm still like, I'm good because you're not gonna
Speaker 1: be there when this season passes, You're gonna be gone.
Speaker 1: But I shouldn't have the possession to be like, well,
Speaker 1: you can't be in my wife's life at all, because
Speaker 1: what if they don't even have sex, What if he
Speaker 1: has a business opportunity, what if he has opportunity. This
Speaker 1: connection is like, I feel like relationships are worth way
Speaker 1: more than money. Like I want to facilitate as many wholesome,
Speaker 1: fruitful relationships as possible. You learn from other people if
Speaker 1: it's just me and you, and then we get this
Speaker 1: echo chamber of like our problems and we're just reciprocating
Speaker 1: what we already know. We're not letting in new information.
Speaker 1: So part of what we wanted to do, my wife
Speaker 1: and I was have a podcast called Open. It's not
Speaker 1: about just the open relationship. It's about being open to
Speaker 1: new information, new ideas, new people, new opportunities to come
Speaker 1: to you. Because look at when you walk around with
Speaker 1: closed doors, the best thing ever might walk right past
Speaker 1: you just deflect off and never come back. With this
Speaker 1: open line of communication with my wife, I'm not afraid
Speaker 1: to have the most challenging, difficult conversation with the person
Speaker 1: that's most important to me. So y'all both haired or sexual, Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm not. I'm not attracted that man at all. Like sexually,
Speaker 1: I'm I'm attracted to men in a way that's like
Speaker 1: a matter of fact, like that dude is the man,
Speaker 1: whether it's his energy, Well, you know, and that's something
Speaker 1: that's good man for you to even admit that, because
Speaker 1: in the black community, that's where the big homie ship
Speaker 1: come from. You know what I'm saying, Those memes that
Speaker 1: go around on Instagram like, oh men like other men
Speaker 1: for money too, they just call them big homies. They
Speaker 1: got call a newborn baby big homies. You got more
Speaker 1: money exactly. Thank you dealing Lane for absolutely. Thank you.
Speaker 1: I want to see you a lot more time. Man.
Speaker 1: That was a good ass conversation. Man, dam you would
Speaker 1: an open relationship or nah, I don't know, girl life.
Speaker 1: Sometimes I feel like I could be down with that,
Speaker 1: but then I just think about how jealous I am
Speaker 1: in real relationships and and probably wouldn't work. Honestly, you whack.
Speaker 1: I'm not there yet. Maybe when I get older, when
Speaker 1: I get like real tired of me, get you another
Speaker 1: bitch in here. So guys, well, y'all, if you enjoyed
Speaker 1: this episode, tune in every Thursday on the I Heart
Speaker 1: Radio app or wherever you get your podcasts at. Yeah
Speaker 1: we love y'all. Come back