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Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for a Black Girls Podcasts, a

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Speaker 1: weekly conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the

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Speaker 1: small decisions we can make to become the best possible

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Speaker 1: versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy Hard and Bradford,

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Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. To get more information,

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Speaker 1: visit the website at Therapy for Black Girls dot com.

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Speaker 1: And while I hope you love listening to and learning

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Speaker 1: from the podcast, it is not meant to be a

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Speaker 1: substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all,

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Speaker 1: thanks so much for joining me for session eighty three

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Speaker 1: of the Therapy for Black Girls podcast. In today's episode,

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Speaker 1: we'll be digging into some of the challenges that may

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Speaker 1: come up after a divorce. But before we get to that,

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Speaker 1: I want to remind you that the doors of the

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Speaker 1: Yellow Couch Collective are now open and we've already started

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Speaker 1: having some amazing conversations about how to be more assertive

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Speaker 1: in our communication, dating in a new City, and Michelle

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Speaker 1: Obama's new book Becoming Later this month, we'll be having

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Speaker 1: a live Q and A with Shamira Howard, the sexologist

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Speaker 1: you heard a few episodes ago to talk more about

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Speaker 1: sexual freedom. So, if you have been looking for a

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Speaker 1: space to connect with other Black women while also developing

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Speaker 1: skills to help you thrive in your life and relationships,

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Speaker 1: this is the place for you. Join us today at

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Speaker 1: Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash y c C

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Speaker 1: to secure your early bird pricing for today's conversation. I'm

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Speaker 1: joined by Chautey Thompson. Chautey is a licensed clinician, speaker, author, consultant, educator,

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Speaker 1: transformation coach, and certified family mediator. She's owner of Inspiring

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Speaker 1: Hope Counseling Services, a private practice in Florida which focuses

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Speaker 1: on helping families strengthen their family unit to become healthier

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Speaker 1: and happier, and with families of divorce to transition smoothly.

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Speaker 1: She's also the founder of Brand New Me, which focuses

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Speaker 1: on providing resources, education, and empowerment enabling women to rediscover

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Speaker 1: and redefine themselves, growing past the pain of divorce and

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Speaker 1: other life changing events. Chartey and I discuss some of

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Speaker 1: the common challenges that might come up when contemplating a

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Speaker 1: divorce or after a divorce. Thanks to be mindful about

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Speaker 1: when co parenting after a divorce, tips for knowing when

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Speaker 1: you're ready to date again, and she shared some of

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Speaker 1: her favorite resources about life after divorce. If you hear

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Speaker 1: something while listening that really resonates with you, please share

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Speaker 1: it with us on social media using the hashtag tb

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Speaker 1: G in sestion. Here's our conversation. Thank you so much

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Speaker 1: for joining us today, Chas. Thank you so much for

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Speaker 1: having me. Thank you for the invitation. Yeah, I'm excited

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Speaker 1: to talk with you because there definitely have been lots

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Speaker 1: of conversations, especially in the Thrive tribe or women who

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Speaker 1: are either kind of contemplating divorce or in the early

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Speaker 1: phases of divorce, And so I wanted to hear from

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Speaker 1: you as someone who specializes in working with women who are,

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Speaker 1: you know, kind of navigating the divorce process. What are

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Speaker 1: some of the common challenges that come up for women

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Speaker 1: in this process, maybe like right before divorce proceedings start

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Speaker 1: and then immediately after. Okay, when individuals or women are

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Speaker 1: thinking about divorce and they're going through the separation phase

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Speaker 1: or just having a difficult time with their spouse. Many times,

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Speaker 1: if they have children, they're thinking about how is it

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Speaker 1: going to affect their kids? How are their kids going

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Speaker 1: to be able to function living in two homes and

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Speaker 1: not really wanting their kids to have to live in

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Speaker 1: two homes. So they're kind of struggling internally if they

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Speaker 1: can stick it out and stay in the relationship or

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Speaker 1: if they really should leave and focus on doing life

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Speaker 1: a little bit different. So that's one of the main

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Speaker 1: struggles that you hear many women dealing with when they

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Speaker 1: have kids and they're in a relationship that they're not

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Speaker 1: exactly happy in anymore. Some of the other things that

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Speaker 1: they're focusing on are how are they going to manage

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Speaker 1: moving from a two income home to a one income home.

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Speaker 1: So they're trying to make sense of the transition, and

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Speaker 1: that of course has provided that there were two incomes

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Speaker 1: to begin with, right, like, because I can imagine that

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Speaker 1: another transition could be you know, like if the woman

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Speaker 1: was not working in her partner was you know, kind

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Speaker 1: of the primary breadwinner. So yeah, involved, you know, like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: what am I going to do to kind of be

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Speaker 1: able to support myself and my family? Yes, very very true.

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Speaker 1: Where now they're trying to make sense of okay, and

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Speaker 1: I need to actually do something different, find the job,

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Speaker 1: find a way to be able to support my children

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Speaker 1: support myself. So I work with a lot of women

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Speaker 1: that have gone through this, and then what they start

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Speaker 1: to do is they start to backtrack and either start

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Speaker 1: to develop some skills or think back on skills that

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Speaker 1: they have had to use that to actually start looking

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Speaker 1: for work and start entering the workfield. And can you

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Speaker 1: think of any different challenges that maybe coming up for

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Speaker 1: someone who maybe doesn't have children for sure? In the

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Speaker 1: visuals without children and individuals with with children as well,

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Speaker 1: they have the concern of friendships because many times when

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Speaker 1: we're married, we have joint friendships. We might have couples

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Speaker 1: that we constantly went out with and mingle with, or

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Speaker 1: we might have friends that were our spouses friend but

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Speaker 1: it became our friend as well or vice versus. So

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Speaker 1: now it's the struggle of am I going to continue

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Speaker 1: to hang out with indivisuals? Are they going to continue

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Speaker 1: to be my friend? Am I going to be able

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Speaker 1: to trust them with what's happening within me? How much

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Speaker 1: do I share? How much do I not share? So

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Speaker 1: that concern of who's actually in my corner, who's not

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Speaker 1: in my corner, and how am I going to move

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Speaker 1: forward without these same individuals in my life. Am I

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Speaker 1: going to be alone totally alone, without friends and without

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Speaker 1: my significant other? Yeah? I do think that that is

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Speaker 1: an interesting thing, and I think probably that's not something

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Speaker 1: that's at the top of the list right like when

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Speaker 1: everything is going on, but it is a big deal

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Speaker 1: when you're thinking about, you know, like your support system

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Speaker 1: and who's going to be able to kind of help

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Speaker 1: you through this process, there may be a shake up

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Speaker 1: in the friends circle. Um so, so can you give

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Speaker 1: any suggestions for somebody who may be trying to navigate that, Like,

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Speaker 1: are there any strategies you would help somebody to kind

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Speaker 1: of work through to kind of figure out what happens

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Speaker 1: with friends? Definitely on. Some of the strategies that I've

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Speaker 1: used when working with clients are to start to make

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Speaker 1: sense of what you're comfortable sharing and what you're not

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Speaker 1: comfortable sharing. Starting to set some boundaries in place, because

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Speaker 1: many times when we have shared friends, we don't want

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Speaker 1: individuals to share our personal emotions and what's happening with

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Speaker 1: us with the expouse. So it's important to set some

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Speaker 1: standards and boundaries in place with our present friends so

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Speaker 1: they know what we're comfortable with and what we're not

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Speaker 1: comfortable with and really just voicing how we feel that

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Speaker 1: we're able to be a startive enough to let them

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Speaker 1: know how you'd like the friendship to move forward, seeing

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Speaker 1: that it's going to be some changes happening. Yeah, I mean,

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Speaker 1: I think sometimes you hear the joke about, you know,

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Speaker 1: like who gets the friends and the divorce, right, that

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Speaker 1: could also be another you know, like you would be

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Speaker 1: grieving the end of this relationship, but there may also

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Speaker 1: be some grieving related to friendships that have now changed

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Speaker 1: or dissolved as a result of the divorce. Yes, very

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Speaker 1: much so. So, I mean, when it comes to grief,

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Speaker 1: this is something that's very high on the concerns for

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Speaker 1: are in the visuals that are going through divorce because

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Speaker 1: now they're they're trying to make sense of what they're feeling.

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Speaker 1: And many times, while you're still in the relationship, you

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Speaker 1: start to actually grief, and you're going through those five

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Speaker 1: stages of grief while you're in the relationship and shortly

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Speaker 1: after the relationship has ended. So what are some of

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Speaker 1: the common feelings that come up for people when they

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Speaker 1: are in the divorce process. Some of the common feelings

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Speaker 1: comes with first denial, where you are not really trying

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Speaker 1: to deal with any of the emotion. You're really just

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Speaker 1: going with the flow. And once you start to go

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Speaker 1: with the flow more and more and you're starting to

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Speaker 1: make sense of your truly not happy, that's when you

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Speaker 1: start to say, okay, everything might start to irritate you.

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Speaker 1: Anything that they do that before you might have thought

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Speaker 1: was cute, it's really just irritating you. Because you're just

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Speaker 1: truly just not happy and not in a good place

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Speaker 1: with your spouse and even with friends and family. Different

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Speaker 1: things might start to anger you and bother you and

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Speaker 1: irritate you throughout the process. And as you start to

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Speaker 1: see that happen more and more, and you're going through

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Speaker 1: trying to process how you're feeling and what's going on,

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Speaker 1: you're thinking about the many different ways of how you

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Speaker 1: can try and make this situation different and how you

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Speaker 1: can make it better. So you're thinking a lot about

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Speaker 1: the what ifs and the should have, could have, what

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Speaker 1: is and okay if I change this? Your processing your

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Speaker 1: own self and trying to understand your own emotion through

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Speaker 1: it all, and it's just a lot of confusion. That's

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Speaker 1: that's happening. This is what many individuals that are going

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Speaker 1: through divorce start to happen, and then it goes right

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Speaker 1: back to anger again because you're so upset that if

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Speaker 1: there was infidelity, or if they're not valuing your feelings,

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Speaker 1: or if they're not even trying to understand what you're

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Speaker 1: unhappy about, all of that place a role with your

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Speaker 1: feelings and processing. Do you think that there are differences

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Speaker 1: in what comes up if you are the one initiated

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Speaker 1: the divorce versus if you are the one who your

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Speaker 1: partner has initiated the divorce on that's a really good question.

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Speaker 1: It doesn't really matter who's initiating. Either way, you're going

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Speaker 1: to feel the stages of grief. Either way. It is

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Speaker 1: a loss. It is a traumatic experience. So for those

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Speaker 1: initiating and for those that have been served and now

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Speaker 1: have to go through this process not by their own choice,

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Speaker 1: both parties are hurting deeply because this is a big

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Speaker 1: aspect of their life that is changing drastically. So for

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Speaker 1: both parties it's very traumatic. Social say, I know you

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Speaker 1: do you also work in addition to being a therapist,

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Speaker 1: you also work as a mediator, So can you talk

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Speaker 1: a little bit about when somebody might use those services

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Speaker 1: and what do you do in that role, oh definitely.

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Speaker 1: As a mediator. This is a facilitator for divorce. So

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Speaker 1: when someone's thinking about divorce and they're thinking that they

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Speaker 1: want to not have to spend as much money when

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Speaker 1: it comes to a litigation in the courts, they can

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Speaker 1: go through a mediator. When both parties are somewhat amalable,

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Speaker 1: you're able to make decisions to um that's best for

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Speaker 1: your family, even though you're not going to be together anymore.

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Speaker 1: So as a mediator, what I do basically is I

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Speaker 1: help families work through dividing their assets, working through their

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Speaker 1: thoughts about alimony, thinking about child support and time sharing

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Speaker 1: with their children, and then if there's any depth that

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Speaker 1: they need to divide as well. So during this process,

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Speaker 1: we are sitting down and talking about all of the

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Speaker 1: important things for their family and how to work through it.

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Speaker 1: And once everyone comes up with decisions being made, I

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Speaker 1: can type everything up for their court documents and they

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Speaker 1: can file that for their divorce. And I know that

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Speaker 1: a lot of the things that you're talking about tend

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Speaker 1: to be like the sticking points for couples, right like

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Speaker 1: it tends to become about sometimes can be like a

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Speaker 1: volleying for control over some of these domains that you've

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Speaker 1: talked about as a way to kind of, you know,

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Speaker 1: maybe get back at the partner or you know, to

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Speaker 1: establish some control where you don't feel like anything else

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Speaker 1: is in control. Come out maybe how um, how these

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Speaker 1: sessions look like, how do you manage you know, maybe

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Speaker 1: some of the titchen and maybe they are related to

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Speaker 1: some of these topics. Yes, but there's very high tension

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Speaker 1: in the room during those times. But really, what what

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Speaker 1: I try and do is I helped them to see

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Speaker 1: the big picture and I helped them to see that

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Speaker 1: it's them actually being able to make decisions for themselves

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Speaker 1: instead of the court and the judge having to make

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Speaker 1: decisions for them. So when we do this, it's where

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Speaker 1: we kind of go back and forth and they are

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Speaker 1: negotiating and I'm simply facilitating. So I might either have

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Speaker 1: them in the same room. If they're able to be

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Speaker 1: in the same room they have lawyers, that's a plus

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Speaker 1: because now they're lawyers are definitely advocating for each of them,

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Speaker 1: and if I need to separate them, I do that

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Speaker 1: as well. If they're truly just not getting along, I

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Speaker 1: go back and forth between two rooms to let them know, okay,

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Speaker 1: what are the deal breakers, the what someone's not gonna

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Speaker 1: move on, and what we are able to actually make

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Speaker 1: decisions on. Now, what happens in that process is if

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Speaker 1: both parties there are certain things that they are not

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Speaker 1: going to agree on no matter what, then those things

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Speaker 1: they're going to have to take to court. So they're

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Speaker 1: aware of that, and they can decide based on what

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Speaker 1: they want to put their foot really firmly down with.

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Speaker 1: And then sometimes they start to say, Okay, you know what,

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Speaker 1: it's not that serious. I'm okay, And they might not

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Speaker 1: be extremely happy about it, but they'll start to see

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Speaker 1: that all right, I just don't want to fight as

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Speaker 1: hard anymore, and we're able to all come up with

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Speaker 1: some type of decisions that work best for everyone. So

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Speaker 1: I'm guessing you would do this with like brand new couples.

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Speaker 1: You would necessarily do this with anybody who, like you're

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Speaker 1: involved in individual therapy with Oh no, I do not.

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Speaker 1: I'm not able to have any of my in the

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Speaker 1: visual clients come on as a client for mediation. It's

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Speaker 1: it's completely separate, got you, okay, Okay. Definitely wanted to

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Speaker 1: make sure I got understanding of it. Um So Another

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Speaker 1: thing I think that often comes up, especially if there

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Speaker 1: are children involved, is you know, wanting to make sure

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Speaker 1: that like the children are not caught in the middle. Um, So,

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Speaker 1: what kinds of things do you work with your clients

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Speaker 1: on to, you know, to help them to make sure

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Speaker 1: that they are putting their children's best interests first and

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Speaker 1: not you know, kind of getting using the children in

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Speaker 1: some kind of a punitive way in the divorce proceedings. Yes. Um,

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Speaker 1: that's an excellent question because I do have a lot

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Speaker 1: of families with children that are going through divorce. So

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Speaker 1: I do a lot of educating to help them understand

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Speaker 1: the importance of not having their children send messages between them,

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Speaker 1: not bad out think the other parents in front of

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Speaker 1: their children, and helping their children to understand that it's

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Speaker 1: not their fault, really making age appropriate language for their child,

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Speaker 1: to understand why individuals get married and why individuals get divorced.

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Speaker 1: So that's something that I do in session, and then

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Speaker 1: I practice that with parents so they're able to continue

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Speaker 1: those type of conversations and support for their kids at home.

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Speaker 1: And I think it also gets complicated, you know, because

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Speaker 1: I know a lot of times after a divorce, you know,

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Speaker 1: you want there to kind of be like a no

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Speaker 1: contact kind of thing. That is almost impossible with children

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Speaker 1: if you don't have children. What kinds of things maybe

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Speaker 1: do you work with your clients on to help them

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Speaker 1: to kind of cut that contact with the ex. Okay, well,

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Speaker 1: many times when they do not have children, they don't

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Speaker 1: want to have any contact with their X because they're

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Speaker 1: so upset and irritated with the process of divorce and

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Speaker 1: it's just a lot of bitterness and hate and unhappiness involved.

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Speaker 1: So really what I do, because they might be connected

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Speaker 1: on social media or they might be connected through chat

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Speaker 1: groups that they used to be in, So for that

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Speaker 1: I really talk with them about healthy boundaries, and I

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Speaker 1: speak with them about how it makes them feel when

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Speaker 1: they are interacting and how it affects them. And once

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Speaker 1: we start to talk through that and they're able to

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Speaker 1: see that it's really a trigger for them, we get

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Speaker 1: to better understand. All right, how can we set some

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Speaker 1: some space between and have some boundaries in place and

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Speaker 1: only speak when need be or interact when need be

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Speaker 1: and able to do so amicably and would say or

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Speaker 1: maybe some suggestions or like people So maybe not soon

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Speaker 1: after the divorce, because people probably aren't necessarily ready to

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Speaker 1: date again, but then actually maybe a good question like

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Speaker 1: how would somebody know that they are ready to date

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Speaker 1: again after a divorce? Ha ha. I love that question

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Speaker 1: because many times when we are trying to self soothe

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Speaker 1: or have distractions, many times and the visuals rush back

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Speaker 1: into the data scene instead of doing the work internally

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Speaker 1: on self. Right. So what I'd like to work with

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Speaker 1: my clients, my individual clients and my coaching clients. I

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Speaker 1: kind of break down how they can become whole, how

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Speaker 1: they can grow into their brand new self and do

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Speaker 1: some self discovery to better understand themselves before they jump

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Speaker 1: into a relationship. Because if we jump into a relationship

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Speaker 1: before we are whole, then we're looking for someone else

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Speaker 1: to complete us instead of being complimented by our significant other.

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Speaker 1: So to do that self work, I start to have

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Speaker 1: them first think about some of their likes that they

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Speaker 1: might have lost track of while they were taking care

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Speaker 1: of everyone else. Because many times we all get lost

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Speaker 1: as we are taking care of our children, are taking

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Speaker 1: care of our spouse, or attending to our friends and working,

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Speaker 1: we lose track of who we are at the core.

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Speaker 1: So I work with them on really getting back to

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Speaker 1: the basics of who they are, what they truly enjoy,

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Speaker 1: and then starting to step out into some type of

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Speaker 1: adventures to see what are some likes that you never

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Speaker 1: thought that you might have even had. So as they

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Speaker 1: do that, they start to learn themselves all over again.

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Speaker 1: So that's one thing that I love to do with

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Speaker 1: my clients. In addition to that, I helped them with

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Speaker 1: the apology that they never received. Because many times we're

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Speaker 1: looking for our ex to apologize to us for all

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Speaker 1: of different ways that they've hurt us, and sometimes that

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Speaker 1: apology never comes. So now instead of focusing on trying

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Speaker 1: to get the apology, we have to focus on the

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Speaker 1: lessons that we learned throughout the relationship and from other

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Speaker 1: relationship ending what are some lessons that we can take

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Speaker 1: from it to be able to improve and interact with

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Speaker 1: others in a more healthy and happy way. And I

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Speaker 1: would imagine Channa say, you know that there would be

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Speaker 1: like a significant period of you know, like really having

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Speaker 1: difficulty trusting new people that you're dating, right, and not

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Speaker 1: even necessarily just if there was infidelity. I mean, I'm

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Speaker 1: pretty sure they're for sure, um, but even you know,

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Speaker 1: even if there was not an infidelity involved in the

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Speaker 1: divorce and it just ended because you know, you grew

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Speaker 1: upart or whatever. I think it probably would still be

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Speaker 1: very difficult for somebody to kind of, you know, trust

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Speaker 1: that somebody maybe has good intentions or where is this heading?

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Speaker 1: You know that? So how do you work with your

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Speaker 1: clients around you know, just the maybe like hesitance to

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Speaker 1: kind of put themselves back out there again. Well, what

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Speaker 1: I like to do is I work with some of

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Speaker 1: Renee Brown's work. So what I like to do is

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Speaker 1: I like to talk to them about the marble jar

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Speaker 1: friendships and how they're able to build trust little by little,

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Speaker 1: because it's it's in the small situations, the small moments

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Speaker 1: that trust has truly built. So I talked to them

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Speaker 1: and just educate them first about what trust is and

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Speaker 1: how they feel that someone has earned their trust. And

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Speaker 1: many times what takes places. They start to tell me

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Speaker 1: that someone earned their trust by calling them and just

355
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Speaker 1: checking on them during their difficult days after their divorce.

356
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Speaker 1: And when these individuals check on them, it helps them

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Speaker 1: to know that this person cares. And when we see

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Speaker 1: the small moments of building with people that we have

359
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Speaker 1: in our lives, the trust starts to build more and more.

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Speaker 1: So I like to first approach it that way, but

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Speaker 1: then I want to bring attention to how trust is

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Speaker 1: lost so they're able to recognize when trust is truly

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Speaker 1: being built instead of being focused on not wanting to

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Speaker 1: open themselves up to trust at all. So can you

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Speaker 1: say more about the marble joy friendship. I think I

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Speaker 1: don't know that I'm familiar with that kind, Okay for sure.

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Speaker 1: According to Burnee Brown, we have marble jar friends and

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Speaker 1: the way that it works with our Marble Jar friends

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Speaker 1: basically is us This built in these small situations. It

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Speaker 1: could be from someone calling us when we're not feeling well,

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Speaker 1: to someone knowing that we have a really big job

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Speaker 1: interview and they contacted us after the interview to check

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Speaker 1: and see how it went. To someone seeing that we're

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Speaker 1: crying or seeing that we're sad and they come and

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Speaker 1: just rub our back or they take us out just

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Speaker 1: to get our mind off of things. By these small

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Speaker 1: moments of people showing that they're in our corner, that

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Speaker 1: they truly care. Um, that's how trust is built. It's

379
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Speaker 1: not from the humongous gestures. It's really from the small

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Speaker 1: gestures that a marble is placed in the in the

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Speaker 1: marble jar, and the more this is done, the stronger

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Speaker 1: the trust is with this individual. Um. So that's the

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Speaker 1: way that that it's built, and the same way that

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Speaker 1: it's built, it's it's in small moments where the marbles

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Speaker 1: are removed. So sometimes you might just start to disk

386
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Speaker 1: since yourself from individuals based on small things that that happen,

387
00:22:04,760 --> 00:22:08,719
Speaker 1: and over time you are not as close anymore. So

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Speaker 1: it's important to remember that. So as you're building friendships,

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00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:18,040
Speaker 1: as your meeting significant others or potential significant others, you're

390
00:22:18,119 --> 00:22:21,720
Speaker 1: able to open yourself up to remembering that it's in

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Speaker 1: the small moments that this a person actually showed me

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Speaker 1: that they cared and that I matter. So that sounds

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Speaker 1: like it could be even a cool like activity to do,

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Speaker 1: like literally, you know, like as you're kind of developing,

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Speaker 1: you know, like let's say you do start dating again

396
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Speaker 1: and you keep a jar with actual like something like

397
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Speaker 1: every time somebody does something to you kind of gain

398
00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:48,960
Speaker 1: your trust, then you do put a marble in the

399
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Speaker 1: joy so that you have a quite literal representation of,

400
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Speaker 1: you know, how the relationship is developing. It's very funny

401
00:22:55,960 --> 00:22:58,560
Speaker 1: that you say that because I have had one client

402
00:22:59,200 --> 00:23:02,320
Speaker 1: that one side educated her about the marble jars. She

403
00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:07,840
Speaker 1: did actually start that process. I can see how for

404
00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:10,240
Speaker 1: some clients it would be really helpful to do something

405
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Speaker 1: like that. Yeah, so are there other issues trying to

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Speaker 1: say that we have not addressed that you feel like, oh,

407
00:23:16,760 --> 00:23:19,400
Speaker 1: this definitely comes up a lot with my clients. Well,

408
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Speaker 1: definitely what comes up with many clients as they are

409
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Speaker 1: working through the self discovery piece is just the fear

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Speaker 1: of being vulnerable and the fear of putting themselves out

411
00:23:30,640 --> 00:23:34,480
Speaker 1: there again. So it's it's I really start to work

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Speaker 1: with them about doing the work on self where they

413
00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:42,760
Speaker 1: are sending some time educating themselves and finding ways to

414
00:23:42,920 --> 00:23:48,160
Speaker 1: date themselves and too well spend some time reading and

415
00:23:48,440 --> 00:23:53,159
Speaker 1: working with getting their social support system stronger. So I

416
00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:56,240
Speaker 1: try really hard to help them to focus more on

417
00:23:56,359 --> 00:24:00,680
Speaker 1: themselves instead of on everyone else that probably hurt them

418
00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:05,280
Speaker 1: or that's not in their life as much anymore. Okay,

419
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Speaker 1: And I know that is you know, like your whole

420
00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:10,840
Speaker 1: brand right, like brand new me. So really helping people

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00:24:10,920 --> 00:24:14,399
Speaker 1: to rediscover themselves. And you know, like you mentioned, what

422
00:24:14,480 --> 00:24:17,080
Speaker 1: are the hobbies that I kind of lost sight of

423
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Speaker 1: or or there are new things that I want to

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Speaker 1: do now, you know, like really helping them to kind

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00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:23,280
Speaker 1: of realize this is a part of your story, but

426
00:24:23,320 --> 00:24:26,840
Speaker 1: it doesn't have to like define the entire story. Yes,

427
00:24:27,040 --> 00:24:29,960
Speaker 1: very true. And then when it comes to co parenting,

428
00:24:30,119 --> 00:24:34,040
Speaker 1: finding a way to communicate with your ex that's going

429
00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:37,439
Speaker 1: to be healthy for your children. So what I like

430
00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:40,080
Speaker 1: to do with clients is just help them to find

431
00:24:40,119 --> 00:24:44,320
Speaker 1: ways where they can either email or text or not

432
00:24:44,359 --> 00:24:47,520
Speaker 1: really having to do too much with the other spouse

433
00:24:47,800 --> 00:24:51,359
Speaker 1: or their ex, so it's not hindering there on children.

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Speaker 1: Got it? And are there other strategies that you have

435
00:24:53,880 --> 00:24:56,600
Speaker 1: suggested besides like email or text? Are there are other

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00:24:56,640 --> 00:24:59,199
Speaker 1: things that you have found to be effective. Email is

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00:24:59,240 --> 00:25:02,439
Speaker 1: the safest way because it's a way to keep a

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00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:05,439
Speaker 1: record of what's going back and forth, and it's something

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00:25:05,480 --> 00:25:09,440
Speaker 1: that if something does go left, it's something that can

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00:25:09,480 --> 00:25:12,800
Speaker 1: be used in court to show that there is a

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00:25:12,840 --> 00:25:16,040
Speaker 1: disagreement where anything it's not working in the favor of

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00:25:16,200 --> 00:25:18,960
Speaker 1: your children. Okay, so that's one of those cases you

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00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:21,239
Speaker 1: were talking about where if like they couldn't figure it out,

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00:25:21,280 --> 00:25:23,240
Speaker 1: they would have to let go to a judge to

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00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:26,600
Speaker 1: figure that piece out. Yes, So what are some of

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00:25:26,640 --> 00:25:29,760
Speaker 1: your favorite books related to this issue. One of the

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00:25:29,840 --> 00:25:34,560
Speaker 1: books that I truly loved um is Loving Bravely. It's

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00:25:34,640 --> 00:25:37,560
Speaker 1: twenty lessons of self discovery to help you get the

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00:25:37,680 --> 00:25:41,959
Speaker 1: love you want, and that's by Alexandra Solomon. So in

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00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:45,600
Speaker 1: that book, you really start to do the work on self.

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00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:49,720
Speaker 1: You start to understand your history when it comes to

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00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:54,680
Speaker 1: relationships that you personally had with your parents and how

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00:25:54,880 --> 00:25:59,000
Speaker 1: that came into the mix with your significant others um

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00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:01,840
Speaker 1: and then from there or you're able to better understand

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00:26:02,200 --> 00:26:06,159
Speaker 1: how to move forward in new relationships. So that's a

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00:26:06,240 --> 00:26:09,639
Speaker 1: really good one. Another book that I recommend is by

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00:26:09,760 --> 00:26:13,280
Speaker 1: Hill Harper. It's The Conversation How Men and Women can

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00:26:13,359 --> 00:26:18,320
Speaker 1: build loving, trusting Relationships. So with that when he talks

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00:26:18,359 --> 00:26:24,800
Speaker 1: a lot about his own relationships while he's interviewing singles, couples,

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00:26:24,920 --> 00:26:29,880
Speaker 1: and divorces, and from there we can all learn from

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00:26:29,960 --> 00:26:33,639
Speaker 1: their experiences and place it into how it affects us

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00:26:33,680 --> 00:26:36,960
Speaker 1: and how we can grow and do better. And the

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00:26:37,040 --> 00:26:40,679
Speaker 1: last book is by Renee Brown. It's called The Gifts

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00:26:40,680 --> 00:26:44,040
Speaker 1: of Imperfection. So that was one of my favorites because

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00:26:44,080 --> 00:26:48,240
Speaker 1: it's where we start to work through shame because many

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00:26:48,280 --> 00:26:51,560
Speaker 1: times when we go through a divorce, we're blaming ourselves

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00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:56,640
Speaker 1: for a lot of what's transpired, or we feel um

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00:26:56,680 --> 00:27:00,080
Speaker 1: ashamed that we actually even went through a divorce. So

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00:27:00,320 --> 00:27:03,520
Speaker 1: it's where we start to do the internal work and

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00:27:03,560 --> 00:27:07,280
Speaker 1: we start to be able to be vulnerable with ourselves

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00:27:07,320 --> 00:27:11,400
Speaker 1: and with others and be authentic and understand how that

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00:27:11,520 --> 00:27:14,439
Speaker 1: all plays a role with who we would like to be.

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00:27:15,840 --> 00:27:21,359
Speaker 1: So it's letting go of our past and embracing our future. Okay, okay,

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00:27:21,359 --> 00:27:24,080
Speaker 1: And where can people find you online? What's your website

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00:27:24,119 --> 00:27:26,440
Speaker 1: as well as any social media handles you'd like to

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00:27:26,480 --> 00:27:30,880
Speaker 1: share From my website, there's Brand New Me Journey and

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00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:35,440
Speaker 1: there's Inspire Hope Health Healing. So for Brand New met Journey,

478
00:27:35,480 --> 00:27:39,800
Speaker 1: this is where I provide coaching and consulting for individuals

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00:27:39,920 --> 00:27:42,840
Speaker 1: that want to go through divorce. I can coach them

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00:27:42,920 --> 00:27:46,480
Speaker 1: through the process and then I also helped them after

481
00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:51,440
Speaker 1: the divorce has taken place to help them actually accept

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00:27:51,760 --> 00:27:55,480
Speaker 1: what has happened and grow into their best selves. And

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00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:59,920
Speaker 1: with Inspire Hope Health Healing, I counsel mothers, I count

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00:28:00,040 --> 00:28:04,960
Speaker 1: soul children and families that are going through divorce or

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00:28:05,080 --> 00:28:07,960
Speaker 1: have gone through divorce or separated and I help them

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00:28:07,960 --> 00:28:13,760
Speaker 1: strengthen their family unit, working from individuals to families. And

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00:28:13,840 --> 00:28:17,120
Speaker 1: for Facebook, I have a Facebook community called brand New

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00:28:17,160 --> 00:28:20,200
Speaker 1: Me Phenomenal You. But this is where you can get

489
00:28:20,280 --> 00:28:23,639
Speaker 1: great resources, you can get great support, you can connect

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00:28:23,720 --> 00:28:27,399
Speaker 1: with other individuals that are on their own journey to

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00:28:27,920 --> 00:28:30,920
Speaker 1: grow into their best selves, because it's a lifelong journey.

492
00:28:31,280 --> 00:28:34,640
Speaker 1: As we are going through breakups. It could be divorced,

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00:28:34,680 --> 00:28:36,920
Speaker 1: or it could be just a long relationship that we

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00:28:36,920 --> 00:28:40,200
Speaker 1: were in that now we're no longer there. So we're

495
00:28:40,200 --> 00:28:44,560
Speaker 1: trying to make sense of our world. Okay, in any

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00:28:44,600 --> 00:28:49,200
Speaker 1: Instagram or Twitter, Yes, I do have Instagram. Sorry. Instagram

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00:28:49,280 --> 00:28:53,640
Speaker 1: is Chante Thompson, and Twitter is also Chante Thompson and

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00:28:53,640 --> 00:28:56,920
Speaker 1: and Facebook as well. All right, and we will include

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00:28:56,920 --> 00:28:58,920
Speaker 1: all of that information in the show notes for anyone

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00:28:59,000 --> 00:29:01,880
Speaker 1: who needed Thank you so much for joining us today, Chews, Hey,

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00:29:01,880 --> 00:29:04,479
Speaker 1: I really appreciate it. Thank you so much for having me.

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00:29:04,520 --> 00:29:07,960
Speaker 1: It was a pleasure. Thank you. I'm so grateful chart

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00:29:07,960 --> 00:29:11,040
Speaker 1: he was able to share her expertise with us today.

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00:29:11,160 --> 00:29:14,120
Speaker 1: To learn more about her and her practice, visit the

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00:29:14,160 --> 00:29:16,920
Speaker 1: show notes at Therapy for Black Girls dot Com slash

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00:29:16,960 --> 00:29:20,400
Speaker 1: Session eighty three and please make sure to share your

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00:29:20,400 --> 00:29:22,960
Speaker 1: takeaways from the episode with us in your I G

508
00:29:23,200 --> 00:29:26,800
Speaker 1: stories are on Twitter, be sure to use the hashtag

509
00:29:27,120 --> 00:29:30,040
Speaker 1: t b G in session so that we can find

510
00:29:30,080 --> 00:29:33,760
Speaker 1: them and share them. If you're looking for a therapist

511
00:29:33,800 --> 00:29:37,520
Speaker 1: in your area, be sure to visit the therapist directory

512
00:29:37,640 --> 00:29:42,080
Speaker 1: at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash directory. And

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00:29:42,120 --> 00:29:44,560
Speaker 1: don't forget to check out the Therapy for Black Girls

514
00:29:44,640 --> 00:29:47,720
Speaker 1: swag store to grab yourself a T shirt or a

515
00:29:47,800 --> 00:29:52,120
Speaker 1: mug to show your love for the podcast. And if

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00:29:52,120 --> 00:29:55,240
Speaker 1: you want to continue this conversation, come on over and

517
00:29:55,360 --> 00:29:58,160
Speaker 1: join us in the Thrive tribe at Therapy for Black

518
00:29:58,200 --> 00:30:01,720
Speaker 1: Girls dot com slash trib. Make sure you answer the

519
00:30:01,760 --> 00:30:05,680
Speaker 1: three questions that are asked to gain entry. Thank you

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00:30:05,720 --> 00:30:08,480
Speaker 1: all so much for joining me again this week, and

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00:30:08,520 --> 00:30:11,160
Speaker 1: I look forward to continue in this conversation with you

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00:30:11,200 --> 00:30:13,480
Speaker 1: all real soon. Take it care