1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:27,120 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:32,120 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever 6 00:00:32,159 --> 00:00:34,680 Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is great to have 7 00:00:34,760 --> 00:00:39,159 Speaker 1: you here. Back for another episode. This week, we're talking 8 00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:45,360 Speaker 1: about an inevitable relationship moment concept that we are all 9 00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:48,760 Speaker 1: going to encounter at some stage in our lives, whether 10 00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:52,400 Speaker 1: that is in our twenties, which is typically when we 11 00:00:52,440 --> 00:00:55,920 Speaker 1: have our first experience of this happening, or later in life. 12 00:00:56,640 --> 00:01:00,840 Speaker 1: What do we do when our ex moves and further 13 00:01:00,920 --> 00:01:04,759 Speaker 1: to that, why can it be so painful? I think 14 00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:07,280 Speaker 1: that that is a question that a lot of ourselves 15 00:01:07,920 --> 00:01:11,440 Speaker 1: have found ourselves asking and looking for an answer to. 16 00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:16,480 Speaker 1: Breakups are never easy. We are emotionally bonded and attached 17 00:01:16,480 --> 00:01:21,600 Speaker 1: to this person, and the aftermath can feel so confronting, 18 00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:25,840 Speaker 1: like we're kind of navigating this storm of very confusing emotions. 19 00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:31,080 Speaker 1: But what exactly happens when we see our former partner 20 00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:35,720 Speaker 1: moving forward with their life seemingly over it over us 21 00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:39,600 Speaker 1: unaffected by the breakup. I think it can be really 22 00:01:39,640 --> 00:01:43,360 Speaker 1: heart wrenching and a really difficult experience leaves us grappling 23 00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:48,920 Speaker 1: with feelings of rejection and longing and confusion. Even if 24 00:01:48,920 --> 00:01:51,960 Speaker 1: we ourselves are in a new relationship or we don't 25 00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:55,560 Speaker 1: have any unresolved feelings or it's been years, there is 26 00:01:55,600 --> 00:01:59,440 Speaker 1: this aspect of finding out that your ex is dating 27 00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:04,440 Speaker 1: someone new that is very psychologically confronting, and I think 28 00:02:05,040 --> 00:02:10,040 Speaker 1: sometimes we don't understand exactly why that is. So in 29 00:02:10,120 --> 00:02:13,200 Speaker 1: today's episode, that is exactly what we're going to talk about. 30 00:02:13,639 --> 00:02:16,079 Speaker 1: I've been here quite a few times, each of them 31 00:02:16,160 --> 00:02:19,280 Speaker 1: hurt just as much as the last. But I think 32 00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:23,799 Speaker 1: that upon reflecting on those experiences, there's been some good 33 00:02:23,880 --> 00:02:27,200 Speaker 1: lessons and good wisdom and maturity that has come out 34 00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:30,400 Speaker 1: of it that hopefully I can share. So we're going 35 00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:34,800 Speaker 1: to examine exactly what it is about your ex moving 36 00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:38,760 Speaker 1: on that is so uniquely confronting. In particular, I really 37 00:02:38,840 --> 00:02:42,400 Speaker 1: want to discuss what we think it says about us 38 00:02:42,760 --> 00:02:46,040 Speaker 1: that perhaps we are replaceable, or that their new partner 39 00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:49,560 Speaker 1: possesses something that we don't have, and how exactly that 40 00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:53,160 Speaker 1: really injures our sense of self worth and our self concept. 41 00:02:53,680 --> 00:02:58,720 Speaker 1: I think often in these moments, we forget exactly why 42 00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:02,440 Speaker 1: we are not with that, why that relationship had to 43 00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:05,600 Speaker 1: come to an end, and all we remember are the 44 00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:09,800 Speaker 1: good times, the happy memories. There's this idea in psychology 45 00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:14,519 Speaker 1: known as rosy retrospection, and I want to show how 46 00:03:14,639 --> 00:03:18,840 Speaker 1: that keeps us stuck in a narrative of longing and 47 00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:23,320 Speaker 1: expectation rather than allowing us to move on, but also 48 00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:28,000 Speaker 1: going to touch on ideas of sunk costs, the addiction 49 00:03:28,160 --> 00:03:33,480 Speaker 1: model of heartbreak, expecting thinking, social comparison, so much more. 50 00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:36,600 Speaker 1: There is a lot of science behind this that I 51 00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:40,560 Speaker 1: think could be really, really helpful. But really at the 52 00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:45,560 Speaker 1: heart of today's episode is what's next when the chapter 53 00:03:45,760 --> 00:03:49,760 Speaker 1: finally closes, what do we do? I think it goes 54 00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:53,200 Speaker 1: without saying that jumping into a new relationship or finding 55 00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:58,839 Speaker 1: a rebound is not particularly healthy, Nor is lashing out 56 00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:01,000 Speaker 1: at your ex you know, going to do what they 57 00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:05,520 Speaker 1: want to do. You cannot control their emotions when that happens. 58 00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:07,880 Speaker 1: I think what we're really doing also is letting our 59 00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:12,920 Speaker 1: ego overtake our rational brain. In fact, I think moving 60 00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:17,200 Speaker 1: on and moving forward in silence is our best bet 61 00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:20,000 Speaker 1: So I want to go through four key strategies to 62 00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:23,800 Speaker 1: kind of finally find that acceptance at the end of 63 00:04:23,839 --> 00:04:28,840 Speaker 1: a relationship, especially after how X has seemingly found someone 64 00:04:28,880 --> 00:04:32,719 Speaker 1: else and dealing with all of the uncomfortable emotions that 65 00:04:32,720 --> 00:04:36,640 Speaker 1: that brings up. Trust me, I know it really hurts 66 00:04:36,720 --> 00:04:39,839 Speaker 1: right now. But there is a reason your feeling this way, 67 00:04:40,520 --> 00:04:44,440 Speaker 1: one that has so much to do with our human psychology. 68 00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:47,640 Speaker 1: So we are going to explore all of that and 69 00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:51,440 Speaker 1: so much more in this episode. I'm excited to dive 70 00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:55,400 Speaker 1: into it and perhaps help someone out there who was 71 00:04:55,440 --> 00:04:58,880 Speaker 1: in this situation. You're not alone. I've been there, done that, 72 00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:02,680 Speaker 1: got the T shirts. So without further ado, let's jump 73 00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:12,279 Speaker 1: into what to do when your ex moves on. Okay, so, 74 00:05:12,400 --> 00:05:15,960 Speaker 1: if you're listening to this, I'm guessing that you are 75 00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:20,000 Speaker 1: in that tricky place or realization that your ex is 76 00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:24,160 Speaker 1: with someone new. First of all, that absolutely sucks, and 77 00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:28,279 Speaker 1: it can be so emotionally intense, especially if your breakup 78 00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:31,479 Speaker 1: was only recently. I feel a lot of sympathy for 79 00:05:31,560 --> 00:05:34,720 Speaker 1: your situation, but hopefully I can provide you with a 80 00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:39,040 Speaker 1: bit of wisdom from my own experience. My friends actually 81 00:05:39,040 --> 00:05:41,360 Speaker 1: have this joke that I'm a foster girlfriend for all 82 00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:43,760 Speaker 1: of my exes they date me, I fix all of 83 00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:47,520 Speaker 1: their emotional unavailability and immaturity and send them off to 84 00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:52,080 Speaker 1: the next person who they inevitably start dating fairly long term. 85 00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:54,880 Speaker 1: I've been there quite a few times. It is such 86 00:05:54,920 --> 00:05:58,479 Speaker 1: a repeat experience for me, but I think I've gotten 87 00:05:58,520 --> 00:06:00,760 Speaker 1: it down to a bit of a science as to 88 00:06:00,839 --> 00:06:04,200 Speaker 1: what to do in this situation. That's really what I 89 00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:08,000 Speaker 1: want to share today. But firstly, we need to examine 90 00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:14,520 Speaker 1: why this experience brings up so many negative feelings of rejection, 91 00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:18,760 Speaker 1: of jealousy, of poor self worth, and so much more, 92 00:06:19,279 --> 00:06:23,000 Speaker 1: and also anger and guilt and confusion. I find it 93 00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:27,120 Speaker 1: so interesting that we can feel so fine with our 94 00:06:27,160 --> 00:06:32,039 Speaker 1: decision that that relationship needed to end until we learn 95 00:06:32,120 --> 00:06:35,400 Speaker 1: that there was someone new, and then suddenly all of 96 00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:39,680 Speaker 1: those reasons don't seem so meaningful anymore. It's not going 97 00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:42,760 Speaker 1: to surprise any of you. I hope that there is 98 00:06:42,839 --> 00:06:46,760 Speaker 1: obviously a lot of psychology behind this reaction. When we 99 00:06:46,800 --> 00:06:50,640 Speaker 1: are in a relationship with someone, we develop a very 100 00:06:50,760 --> 00:06:55,160 Speaker 1: deep emotional attachment to them through things like shared memories, 101 00:06:55,160 --> 00:07:00,680 Speaker 1: physical connection, intimacy, proximity, repeated interactions, and of course, an 102 00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:07,400 Speaker 1: expectation about the future. All of these experiences are incredibly 103 00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:13,200 Speaker 1: psychologically bonding, especially things like frequent positive interactions. They create 104 00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:17,000 Speaker 1: a real sense of familiarity and comfort, and they also 105 00:07:17,160 --> 00:07:23,200 Speaker 1: create biological reactions, including the release of hormones like oxytocin, 106 00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:27,760 Speaker 1: which we colloquially know as the bonding hormone. That is 107 00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:33,000 Speaker 1: what promotes this intense closeness. Even if maybe you guys 108 00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:36,880 Speaker 1: were never official, even if it was a situationship, our 109 00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:41,000 Speaker 1: brains don't understand that. All they understand is, here is 110 00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:45,000 Speaker 1: this person who is fulfilling this need for me, who 111 00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:48,200 Speaker 1: is providing me with this closeness, who is touching me, 112 00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:52,200 Speaker 1: who I trust. That is what's important for us and 113 00:07:52,280 --> 00:07:57,040 Speaker 1: for our brains. When that relationship ends, this abrupt ending 114 00:07:57,200 --> 00:08:01,160 Speaker 1: of those positive experiences, the disc can and that loss 115 00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:05,680 Speaker 1: of a future together is incredibly profound, and seeing someone 116 00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:10,120 Speaker 1: with your ex seeing them with someone new intensifies those 117 00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:14,040 Speaker 1: feelings and it triggers emotional pain. I think an element 118 00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:17,920 Speaker 1: of why that is particularly upsetting is because it makes 119 00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:21,160 Speaker 1: you confront the finality of the breakup. Whilst you are 120 00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:24,520 Speaker 1: both single, there could still have been this sense of 121 00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:28,840 Speaker 1: expectation that maybe things will change, especially when there are 122 00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:34,440 Speaker 1: unresolved feelings involved there. Our body and our brains still 123 00:08:34,520 --> 00:08:39,119 Speaker 1: crave this person because it doesn't forget that bond overnight 124 00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:42,400 Speaker 1: or even within a few weeks. And when they seemingly 125 00:08:42,520 --> 00:08:46,800 Speaker 1: replace us, that really solidifies the end of the chapter. 126 00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:51,000 Speaker 1: There is no more expectant thinking. It's where I think 127 00:08:51,320 --> 00:08:56,840 Speaker 1: the breakup truly starts, primarily because it forces us to 128 00:08:56,880 --> 00:09:00,439 Speaker 1: find that closure that maybe we didn't previously have, that 129 00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:04,200 Speaker 1: that relationship is done. It eliminates the what if thinking 130 00:09:04,240 --> 00:09:07,080 Speaker 1: there is someone else in our shoes. It's why I 131 00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:10,000 Speaker 1: think seeing them with someone new is particularly kind of 132 00:09:10,040 --> 00:09:14,440 Speaker 1: painful and hurtful, because maybe you haven't reflected on what 133 00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:17,720 Speaker 1: you really thought was going to happen. Maybe you hadn't 134 00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:21,079 Speaker 1: really thought that someone else would one day be in 135 00:09:21,120 --> 00:09:26,199 Speaker 1: your position with that person, experiencing all of those beautiful memories, 136 00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:29,680 Speaker 1: but you're not in them. There's someone new in those memories. 137 00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:33,680 Speaker 1: There's a few other psychological elements to this as well. 138 00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:38,080 Speaker 1: When our ex starts dating someone new, we feel the 139 00:09:38,120 --> 00:09:42,760 Speaker 1: full impact of what we call sunk costs. There's this 140 00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:45,960 Speaker 1: concept called the sunk cost fallacy that I think really 141 00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:50,760 Speaker 1: applies to the decisions we make towards ex partners, especially 142 00:09:50,800 --> 00:09:53,640 Speaker 1: if we've been with them for a long time. When 143 00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:57,280 Speaker 1: we invest a lot of time and energy into something, 144 00:09:57,840 --> 00:10:01,200 Speaker 1: we feel a greater sense of commitment to follow that 145 00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:05,439 Speaker 1: through and to keep putting time into this, into this relationship, 146 00:10:05,559 --> 00:10:09,200 Speaker 1: even if it's not working. The reason why is because 147 00:10:09,559 --> 00:10:13,760 Speaker 1: walking away or giving up would mean all of those resources, 148 00:10:13,800 --> 00:10:17,400 Speaker 1: all of those hours, they're lost. They cannot be recovered. 149 00:10:17,880 --> 00:10:21,120 Speaker 1: And when this person who we've invested in the past 150 00:10:21,679 --> 00:10:26,160 Speaker 1: starts dating someone new, it makes us acutely aware of 151 00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:29,120 Speaker 1: what we have given up and what we feel like 152 00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:33,640 Speaker 1: we've wasted. The love, the time, the intimacy. Maybe that 153 00:10:33,679 --> 00:10:36,559 Speaker 1: could have gone somewhere else, Maybe that could have been 154 00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:41,240 Speaker 1: poured into someone better. Of course, I think no experience 155 00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:45,520 Speaker 1: is ever a waste. We learn more from breakups sometimes 156 00:10:45,559 --> 00:10:48,960 Speaker 1: than I think we learn from our relationships. You know, 157 00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:52,800 Speaker 1: from a personal experience. I am so immensely grateful for 158 00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:55,680 Speaker 1: those experiences of being hurt, having to see someone I 159 00:10:55,760 --> 00:11:00,679 Speaker 1: once loved move on, because it profoundly changed my opinion myself. 160 00:11:01,240 --> 00:11:03,480 Speaker 1: I wanted to do better, I wanted to be better, 161 00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:07,560 Speaker 1: be happier and healthier, rather than just using someone else 162 00:11:07,640 --> 00:11:10,400 Speaker 1: to take away that sadness, and I think in the 163 00:11:10,440 --> 00:11:13,920 Speaker 1: long term we are rewarded for that choice. But it 164 00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:16,719 Speaker 1: links to this other element as well, And I think 165 00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:19,240 Speaker 1: the reason we struggle with our X moving on so 166 00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:24,520 Speaker 1: quickly is that it combines the very physical and emotional 167 00:11:24,559 --> 00:11:27,880 Speaker 1: after effects of a breakup with a further sense of 168 00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:32,400 Speaker 1: rejection and diminished self esteem. Specifically, I think we wonder 169 00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:36,800 Speaker 1: what their decision says about us. Really, it doesn't say 170 00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:39,360 Speaker 1: much about us at all, but in that state of 171 00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:43,560 Speaker 1: delusion and confusion, we think, if they were able to 172 00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:46,960 Speaker 1: find someone so quickly, if they have apparently already moved on, 173 00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:51,200 Speaker 1: does that mean we're replaceable, or that the intensity of 174 00:11:51,240 --> 00:11:53,840 Speaker 1: those feelings were one sided? Or does it mean that 175 00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:57,280 Speaker 1: there's something wrong with me that I haven't moved on yet, 176 00:11:57,280 --> 00:12:01,160 Speaker 1: that I haven't found someone else. Self esteem after a 177 00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:07,120 Speaker 1: breakup is already greatly diminished due to that lack of certainty, 178 00:12:07,240 --> 00:12:10,960 Speaker 1: due to that confusion and our efforts to reclaim those 179 00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:15,080 Speaker 1: individual aspects of our identity that make you feel independent 180 00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:18,440 Speaker 1: and unique beyond that person. So seeing them move on 181 00:12:19,160 --> 00:12:23,480 Speaker 1: makes you feel inadequate, and it makes you question whether 182 00:12:23,640 --> 00:12:27,880 Speaker 1: everything that this person validated in you is perhaps not 183 00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:32,520 Speaker 1: that special, especially if your connection could be that easily forgotten. 184 00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:37,080 Speaker 1: If someone meant a lot to you, it's only natural 185 00:12:37,240 --> 00:12:40,200 Speaker 1: to want them to feel the same way about you. 186 00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:45,240 Speaker 1: This incredible article explained it this way. When we see 187 00:12:45,280 --> 00:12:48,719 Speaker 1: our ex with someone else, this may trigger doubts and 188 00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:52,920 Speaker 1: insecurities over how your partner truly felt about you in 189 00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:56,320 Speaker 1: the relationship. Even if you want your ex to be 190 00:12:56,400 --> 00:13:00,280 Speaker 1: happy now, it's normal to question whether they truly loved 191 00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:02,920 Speaker 1: you as much as they said they did. There's also 192 00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:07,040 Speaker 1: this component of if you only broke up a little 193 00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:11,080 Speaker 1: while back, were they with someone else, were they already 194 00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:14,440 Speaker 1: out looking, had they already lost interest in you whilst 195 00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:17,720 Speaker 1: you were still in a committed relationship. Now, if that 196 00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:22,199 Speaker 1: experience is a repeated pattern, if your ex partners are 197 00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:26,120 Speaker 1: always the first to move on, that further reinforces this 198 00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:30,600 Speaker 1: false belief that somehow you were inadequate or you were 199 00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:34,200 Speaker 1: just a pit stop before these people find the person 200 00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:37,360 Speaker 1: they're really meant to be with, and from that can 201 00:13:37,559 --> 00:13:40,840 Speaker 1: come an intense self pity. I've been there, you know. 202 00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:43,720 Speaker 1: Every time I've heard about one of my exes dating 203 00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:47,760 Speaker 1: someone new or even being engaged. It has happened. It 204 00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:50,839 Speaker 1: does kind of sting a bit because that hasn't been 205 00:13:50,880 --> 00:13:54,520 Speaker 1: my experience, but you know how I imagine it. I always 206 00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:59,000 Speaker 1: think these people were all just kind of side characters 207 00:13:59,120 --> 00:14:02,680 Speaker 1: in the greater journey I'm on. Their chapter is closed, 208 00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:06,520 Speaker 1: which is very unfortunate for them, and they only exist 209 00:14:06,559 --> 00:14:09,480 Speaker 1: in that chapter and nowhere else. They have forwarded my 210 00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:13,080 Speaker 1: story and my growth, and they also owe me nothing, 211 00:14:13,760 --> 00:14:15,760 Speaker 1: but I really owe them a whole lot because they've 212 00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:19,280 Speaker 1: only made me so much better. You know, it's interesting 213 00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:22,480 Speaker 1: because I'm actually dating someone at the moment, which I 214 00:14:22,480 --> 00:14:25,240 Speaker 1: haven't really spoken about on the podcast, you know, just 215 00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:27,600 Speaker 1: for their privacy and also to see how things go. 216 00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:31,120 Speaker 1: But one question he asked me when we first started 217 00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:36,440 Speaker 1: talking was what did your last relationship teach you about yourself? 218 00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:38,920 Speaker 1: And what I said is that it taught me what 219 00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:41,240 Speaker 1: I deserve. And he asked me, you know, what is 220 00:14:41,240 --> 00:14:42,960 Speaker 1: it that you deserve? And I told him I knew 221 00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:46,360 Speaker 1: my answer because in all of those moments where I 222 00:14:46,520 --> 00:14:50,640 Speaker 1: was treated poorly or disappointed, it acted as a signal 223 00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:54,040 Speaker 1: to me of a need that these people were not meeting. 224 00:14:54,680 --> 00:14:58,120 Speaker 1: I guess your time will come and you will have 225 00:14:58,240 --> 00:15:01,400 Speaker 1: done the work to be a better version of yourself 226 00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:05,640 Speaker 1: and have a better future relationship. But even with that knowledge, 227 00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:09,960 Speaker 1: it doesn't diminish the pain that you're currently in because then, 228 00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:14,720 Speaker 1: of course there is the dreaded self comparison and comparing 229 00:15:14,760 --> 00:15:20,480 Speaker 1: yourself to their new partner on every possible dimension. We 230 00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:25,120 Speaker 1: know that social comparison is entirely normal. It's an evolutionary 231 00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:29,240 Speaker 1: process that really allows us to validate our own behaviors 232 00:15:29,280 --> 00:15:32,720 Speaker 1: and ensure that they conform to some broader social norm. 233 00:15:33,360 --> 00:15:37,600 Speaker 1: But when we engage in upward social comparison, especially with 234 00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:41,760 Speaker 1: someone's new partner, whereby we see someone as better than 235 00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:46,240 Speaker 1: us and subsequently reduce our own self worth, it can 236 00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:50,360 Speaker 1: be really painful. And we all know that feeling of 237 00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:55,320 Speaker 1: doing the sneaky Instagram stalk of their new person, don't lie. 238 00:15:55,560 --> 00:15:58,160 Speaker 1: I know we've all done it, or you know, finding 239 00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:01,200 Speaker 1: their own private getting a mutual friend to send you pictures. 240 00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:04,200 Speaker 1: And of course our friends are always going to say 241 00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:06,640 Speaker 1: the same thing. You know, she's not as pretty as you, 242 00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:10,440 Speaker 1: she's a downgrade. They could they could never do better 243 00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:14,760 Speaker 1: than you, And that's sadly probably not the case. And 244 00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:19,920 Speaker 1: I think it really unnecessarily pits people, especially women, against 245 00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:22,320 Speaker 1: each other. But it also feels like a bit of 246 00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:26,440 Speaker 1: a consolation prize. It's probably not going to do much 247 00:16:26,680 --> 00:16:30,760 Speaker 1: to minimize that burning question what does this new person 248 00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:35,400 Speaker 1: have that I don't? And it's truly unanswerable and one 249 00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:39,760 Speaker 1: that can cause such a self esteem spiral and also 250 00:16:39,880 --> 00:16:44,200 Speaker 1: questions around, you know, our desirability, especially when we still 251 00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:48,600 Speaker 1: inherently care about the opinion of our former partner despite 252 00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:52,680 Speaker 1: our best intentions. I think it's a rather ironic experience 253 00:16:52,800 --> 00:16:55,760 Speaker 1: because there was obviously some reason you two didn't work. 254 00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:59,080 Speaker 1: There had to be something, whether it was distance, incompatibility, 255 00:16:59,640 --> 00:17:04,000 Speaker 1: you know, maybe you're always fighting, even something sinister like cheating. 256 00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:08,000 Speaker 1: And yet, like I said before, those reasons tend to 257 00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:11,760 Speaker 1: not be so obvious to us in those moments when 258 00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:15,480 Speaker 1: we are considering them being happier with someone else. There's 259 00:17:15,520 --> 00:17:20,440 Speaker 1: a reason why this is. It's this concept called rosy retrospection, 260 00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:25,600 Speaker 1: and it's a cognitive bias whereby we remember past events 261 00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:30,680 Speaker 1: more fondly and more positively than they actually were. It's 262 00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:35,520 Speaker 1: because our brains are primed to remember emotionally salient memories 263 00:17:36,080 --> 00:17:38,800 Speaker 1: over the terrible ones in order to maintain a sense 264 00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:43,760 Speaker 1: of optimism and hope. You remember those beautiful intimate moments, 265 00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:47,280 Speaker 1: the trips you took, the hogs, the kisses, the bursts 266 00:17:47,320 --> 00:17:50,520 Speaker 1: of joy you know seeing them, but you suppressed the 267 00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:54,440 Speaker 1: times when they made you feel terrible about yourself, when 268 00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:58,800 Speaker 1: there was that anxiety, and those awful silences and those fights, 269 00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:03,520 Speaker 1: because those memories are not the narrative that keeps us invested. 270 00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:08,440 Speaker 1: The narrative that keeps us invested is the rosy recollection 271 00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:12,879 Speaker 1: and retrospection. And in all of those good memories, we 272 00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:16,159 Speaker 1: often crave the beginning of something new, a new person 273 00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:19,480 Speaker 1: to obsess over, a new person to love, to have 274 00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:23,000 Speaker 1: those memories with to replace the old ones. But also 275 00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:25,680 Speaker 1: the fact that when we have an urge to remember 276 00:18:25,760 --> 00:18:29,240 Speaker 1: and feel, we can no longer return to the previous source. 277 00:18:29,560 --> 00:18:32,720 Speaker 1: So I think what's important to talk about here is 278 00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:35,800 Speaker 1: the notion of the rebound. It had to come up, 279 00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:39,680 Speaker 1: the dreaded rebound. I think one of the worst things 280 00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:42,760 Speaker 1: we can do after the end of a relationship is 281 00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:47,480 Speaker 1: to use others to heal, to patch up that emotional scar. 282 00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:51,119 Speaker 1: And chances are if your ex is with someone in 283 00:18:51,160 --> 00:18:54,040 Speaker 1: the weeks or maybe the month after the end of 284 00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:58,040 Speaker 1: your relationship, the depth of that new relationship is going 285 00:18:58,119 --> 00:19:02,639 Speaker 1: to be rather superficial. The rebound kind of takes up 286 00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:06,560 Speaker 1: the space that was left by the previous partner, and 287 00:19:06,640 --> 00:19:11,040 Speaker 1: it provides both the stability and distraction from the loss 288 00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:15,359 Speaker 1: rather than working through it. We've talked about the anxiety 289 00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:19,159 Speaker 1: distraction feedback loop before, but we can also adapt that 290 00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:23,600 Speaker 1: to the longing and distress feedback loop. Longing is an 291 00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:27,639 Speaker 1: uncomfortable feeling, one that we would rather avoid, but also 292 00:19:27,760 --> 00:19:31,520 Speaker 1: one that will naturally come up after a breakup, and 293 00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:36,119 Speaker 1: so subconsciously we seek out a distraction in this situation. 294 00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:39,920 Speaker 1: Maybe that's in the form of a new partner, because 295 00:19:40,200 --> 00:19:45,760 Speaker 1: those new experiences allows us to avoid confronting those sad feelings. 296 00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:49,520 Speaker 1: In one of the limited studies that is available on 297 00:19:49,560 --> 00:19:53,959 Speaker 1: the psychology of the rebound, these researchers found that focusing 298 00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:58,720 Speaker 1: on someone new actually helps anxiously attached people in particular 299 00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:03,280 Speaker 1: get over their old partner. And you know, go bless 300 00:20:03,320 --> 00:20:06,000 Speaker 1: all the people who have experienced being the rebound before. 301 00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:09,080 Speaker 1: I know how much it sucks. I once had someone 302 00:20:09,119 --> 00:20:11,440 Speaker 1: tell me that I'd really helped him get over his acts, 303 00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:14,880 Speaker 1: and how grateful he was for me, so shout out 304 00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:18,359 Speaker 1: to them. But for some I have noticed this sense 305 00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:22,400 Speaker 1: of competition of who can move on the fastest, who 306 00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:25,480 Speaker 1: can win the race, who can prove to the other 307 00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:28,520 Speaker 1: that they are the first ones to get over it. 308 00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:33,200 Speaker 1: It probably derives from some of that innate hostility that 309 00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:36,600 Speaker 1: tends to bubble up after the fact, but also some 310 00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:41,080 Speaker 1: of that psychological closure and relief that we get from 311 00:20:41,119 --> 00:20:44,439 Speaker 1: being in a new relationship. And of course there are 312 00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:49,840 Speaker 1: also gender differences. Some self reported surveys and studies do 313 00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:53,639 Speaker 1: suggest that men recover from breakups much faster than women, 314 00:20:54,119 --> 00:20:58,240 Speaker 1: and they are quicker to move on. However, the typical 315 00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:02,760 Speaker 1: time it takes to heal and fully in quotation marks 316 00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:07,080 Speaker 1: but it's on average around six months. It takes a 317 00:21:07,119 --> 00:21:11,000 Speaker 1: good amount of time to process things. So if your 318 00:21:11,040 --> 00:21:14,879 Speaker 1: ex is already posting their new person three weeks after 319 00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:17,840 Speaker 1: you and you're dealing with that sting of you know, 320 00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:21,160 Speaker 1: did I really mean anything to them? I can promise 321 00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:26,359 Speaker 1: you they most likely definitely haven't forgotten about you. They've 322 00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:28,879 Speaker 1: still got a lot of healing work to do that 323 00:21:28,880 --> 00:21:33,320 Speaker 1: they're probably not even aware of. But I think the 324 00:21:33,480 --> 00:21:37,399 Speaker 1: mindset shift that we need to have is so, what 325 00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:40,520 Speaker 1: if they have forgotten about us? Why should it bother 326 00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:44,040 Speaker 1: you that they've moved on? Why do we still care? 327 00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:47,440 Speaker 1: And although we can answer a lot of those questions 328 00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:50,639 Speaker 1: now you know, the lack of psychological closure, the what 329 00:21:50,760 --> 00:21:55,800 Speaker 1: if thinking, the rosy retrospection, the next stage is now, 330 00:21:55,840 --> 00:22:00,199 Speaker 1: what what do we do next to stop caring, to 331 00:22:00,280 --> 00:22:04,400 Speaker 1: close that chapter and move on, perhaps not into any relationship, 332 00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:09,040 Speaker 1: but to a place of almost like mental freedom. Well 333 00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:11,359 Speaker 1: that's really the question of the day, isn't it. So 334 00:22:11,560 --> 00:22:15,160 Speaker 1: we're going to dive into that and so much more 335 00:22:15,359 --> 00:22:25,400 Speaker 1: in just a second. To ultimately stop caring, we need 336 00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:29,240 Speaker 1: to understand the process by which we move on and 337 00:22:29,480 --> 00:22:32,879 Speaker 1: can provide ourselves with the emotional closure that was perhaps 338 00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:35,320 Speaker 1: not given to us at the end of the relationship. 339 00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:39,760 Speaker 1: That lack of emotional closure is I think what really 340 00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:44,920 Speaker 1: triggers those unpleasant feelings associated with our ex dating someone new. 341 00:22:45,640 --> 00:22:47,800 Speaker 1: I think when we learn our ex has moved on, 342 00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:51,120 Speaker 1: we want to do one of two things. Number one 343 00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:56,399 Speaker 1: is to completely self isolate, maybe due to the shame 344 00:22:56,480 --> 00:23:00,280 Speaker 1: of this perceived rejection, to kind of lick our wooans, 345 00:23:00,440 --> 00:23:04,119 Speaker 1: languish in the self pity and that's okay. Self pity 346 00:23:04,280 --> 00:23:08,119 Speaker 1: feels nice because it provides us with the emotional validation 347 00:23:08,760 --> 00:23:13,000 Speaker 1: and the permission to feel sad that perhaps we really need, 348 00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:17,639 Speaker 1: that we really need to experience the second option. The 349 00:23:17,720 --> 00:23:21,040 Speaker 1: second way of doing things, I think is the complete opposite, 350 00:23:21,359 --> 00:23:25,399 Speaker 1: and it's to go absolutely feral and do everything in 351 00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:30,120 Speaker 1: our power to move on, particularly by using other people. 352 00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:33,080 Speaker 1: This is where we download Tinder, We go on a 353 00:23:33,119 --> 00:23:38,040 Speaker 1: million first dates, we end up in horrendously unfulfilling situationships, 354 00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:41,360 Speaker 1: we go out every night. It's really just a defense 355 00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:46,320 Speaker 1: mechanism for avoiding those confronting emotions what we would call 356 00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:52,360 Speaker 1: escapism or displacement. So in psychology, displacement occurs when we 357 00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:56,760 Speaker 1: satisfy an impulse with a substitute object. You know, we 358 00:23:56,840 --> 00:23:59,480 Speaker 1: can't get back at our ex by yelling or screaming 359 00:23:59,560 --> 00:24:03,080 Speaker 1: or by having a fight, So we're going to displace 360 00:24:03,119 --> 00:24:06,600 Speaker 1: our anger by getting with other people, hoping that that 361 00:24:06,680 --> 00:24:09,560 Speaker 1: will hurt them the way their decision or their new 362 00:24:09,600 --> 00:24:13,360 Speaker 1: relationship has hurt us. We want to in some ways 363 00:24:13,640 --> 00:24:17,800 Speaker 1: level the playing field. I think we all inherently know 364 00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:22,720 Speaker 1: that this initially pleasant sensation of using other people to 365 00:24:22,800 --> 00:24:26,080 Speaker 1: make us feel better is not going to last. It's 366 00:24:26,240 --> 00:24:30,080 Speaker 1: just a short term way of suppressing our true feelings 367 00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:34,399 Speaker 1: that is, unfortunately not a solution. The age old saying 368 00:24:34,440 --> 00:24:37,800 Speaker 1: goes that the only way out is through. You are 369 00:24:37,840 --> 00:24:42,359 Speaker 1: allowed to feel upset and angry and disappointed. In fact, 370 00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:46,920 Speaker 1: a lot of those psychological theories surrounding breakups would support 371 00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:50,280 Speaker 1: this reaction. I want to quickly look at the addiction 372 00:24:50,480 --> 00:24:54,480 Speaker 1: model and the stages of grief model as an explanation 373 00:24:54,680 --> 00:24:57,200 Speaker 1: for why we should allow ourselves to feel this hurt 374 00:24:57,240 --> 00:25:00,920 Speaker 1: deeply and then what to do next. So the addiction 375 00:25:01,119 --> 00:25:05,560 Speaker 1: model of heartbreak is kind of this psychological concept that 376 00:25:05,800 --> 00:25:09,320 Speaker 1: likens the experience of heartbreak to that of a drug addiction. 377 00:25:10,119 --> 00:25:13,720 Speaker 1: It suggests that the emotional pain and the distress that 378 00:25:13,760 --> 00:25:18,439 Speaker 1: we feel after romantic breakup is similar to the withdrawal 379 00:25:18,480 --> 00:25:22,439 Speaker 1: symptoms experienced by people trying to break free from a 380 00:25:22,520 --> 00:25:27,160 Speaker 1: substance addiction. So why is that the case. Well, romantic 381 00:25:27,240 --> 00:25:31,240 Speaker 1: love and attachment triggers the release of certain neurochemicals in 382 00:25:31,280 --> 00:25:34,120 Speaker 1: the brain that are very similar to the ones triggered 383 00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:38,919 Speaker 1: by things like nicotine or things like hard drugs, things 384 00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:43,520 Speaker 1: like dopamine and Oxytocin those are associated with the pleasure 385 00:25:43,720 --> 00:25:47,160 Speaker 1: and bonding we experience in a relationship, but they're also 386 00:25:47,240 --> 00:25:51,359 Speaker 1: associated with addiction. So when the relationship ends, the sudden 387 00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:57,080 Speaker 1: withdrawal of these chemicals leads to those feelings of sadness, anxiety, 388 00:25:57,160 --> 00:26:01,360 Speaker 1: and even physical symptoms like nausea headaches that are similar 389 00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:05,399 Speaker 1: to a withdrawal from a substance or from drugs. Just 390 00:26:05,560 --> 00:26:11,960 Speaker 1: like substance uses my experienced cravings, when we're going through heartbreak, 391 00:26:12,520 --> 00:26:16,960 Speaker 1: we may experience cravings for the presence, affection, and attention 392 00:26:17,359 --> 00:26:20,480 Speaker 1: of our ex partner, and these lead to things like 393 00:26:20,600 --> 00:26:25,959 Speaker 1: obsessive thinking and a desire to reconnect or to relapse. 394 00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:31,520 Speaker 1: In other words, however, these cravings are very much neurological, 395 00:26:32,040 --> 00:26:35,439 Speaker 1: and when we don't satisfy them by going no contact, 396 00:26:35,560 --> 00:26:39,720 Speaker 1: by giving it time, they will start to lessen. You 397 00:26:39,840 --> 00:26:44,560 Speaker 1: have to push those cravings that withdrawal, the potential for relapse, 398 00:26:44,720 --> 00:26:47,680 Speaker 1: that temptation. You need to push that out of your 399 00:26:47,720 --> 00:26:51,760 Speaker 1: mind and really power through in order to rewire your 400 00:26:51,800 --> 00:26:56,520 Speaker 1: neurochemistry away from this person to more positive things in 401 00:26:56,560 --> 00:27:00,400 Speaker 1: your life. But this does explain why we hurt so much, 402 00:27:00,400 --> 00:27:04,720 Speaker 1: but also how we can move forward. Similar to this 403 00:27:04,920 --> 00:27:08,800 Speaker 1: is what we call the stages of grief. This model 404 00:27:09,040 --> 00:27:13,199 Speaker 1: is typically used to be applied to what we go 405 00:27:13,280 --> 00:27:16,840 Speaker 1: through after a death, after someone dies who we love, 406 00:27:17,680 --> 00:27:20,960 Speaker 1: but a lot of people do argue that the intensity 407 00:27:21,160 --> 00:27:25,040 Speaker 1: of the grief after a breakup is very similar to 408 00:27:25,080 --> 00:27:29,000 Speaker 1: the grief associated with death. As we explained earlier, it 409 00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:32,679 Speaker 1: can be exacerbated by the realization that your ex has 410 00:27:32,760 --> 00:27:35,919 Speaker 1: moved on. There is that sense of a closed chapter. 411 00:27:36,040 --> 00:27:38,280 Speaker 1: There is that sense that you will not see them again. 412 00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:43,080 Speaker 1: There is a real pain looking back at those positive memories. 413 00:27:43,680 --> 00:27:47,439 Speaker 1: So to push through that emotional experience, you have to 414 00:27:47,520 --> 00:27:53,760 Speaker 1: go through five unique states. These are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, 415 00:27:53,960 --> 00:27:59,520 Speaker 1: and finally acceptance. Denial is your brain's automatic response to 416 00:27:59,640 --> 00:28:05,280 Speaker 1: unplace or unwanted news. It really is a protective mechanism. 417 00:28:05,720 --> 00:28:09,400 Speaker 1: It gives your heart and your brain time to adjust 418 00:28:09,480 --> 00:28:13,280 Speaker 1: to the new situation by not really facing reality. In 419 00:28:13,320 --> 00:28:16,800 Speaker 1: the denial phase, you may think that your significant other 420 00:28:16,880 --> 00:28:20,480 Speaker 1: your ex is coming back to you because it initially 421 00:28:20,520 --> 00:28:23,720 Speaker 1: protects you from those unpleasant feelings. You might even be 422 00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:26,760 Speaker 1: in shock. You cannot feel the full extent of what 423 00:28:26,880 --> 00:28:31,040 Speaker 1: it meant for that relationship to end. Anger is next 424 00:28:31,520 --> 00:28:36,000 Speaker 1: you may really resent this person for what you've gone through. 425 00:28:36,440 --> 00:28:39,600 Speaker 1: All of their negative qualities are very very clear. You 426 00:28:40,360 --> 00:28:43,440 Speaker 1: really hate them. But I do think it's important to 427 00:28:43,440 --> 00:28:47,160 Speaker 1: remember it's just a natural reaction to your hurt. You 428 00:28:47,200 --> 00:28:50,760 Speaker 1: don't really hate them, because what comes next is the 429 00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:55,680 Speaker 1: bargaining phase, where you may try to restore your relationship 430 00:28:55,920 --> 00:29:01,120 Speaker 1: or perhaps rebuild it as a friendship. This can be disastrous. 431 00:29:01,240 --> 00:29:03,680 Speaker 1: If you have ever listened to my episode with my 432 00:29:03,800 --> 00:29:07,760 Speaker 1: ex where we talk about being friends, please just know 433 00:29:08,120 --> 00:29:11,720 Speaker 1: that this was me, you know, very squarely being in 434 00:29:11,800 --> 00:29:16,920 Speaker 1: the bargaining stage, and what followed that was the depression, 435 00:29:17,120 --> 00:29:21,680 Speaker 1: was the real sadness. You know, anger and bargaining. They 436 00:29:21,680 --> 00:29:24,760 Speaker 1: feel very active, we are angry at this person, we 437 00:29:24,800 --> 00:29:29,040 Speaker 1: are trying to get them back, But depression is very quiet, 438 00:29:29,440 --> 00:29:33,440 Speaker 1: it's very very sad. It's where the real breakup I 439 00:29:33,480 --> 00:29:37,440 Speaker 1: think begins, the tears, the sadness, and often it's where 440 00:29:37,440 --> 00:29:39,840 Speaker 1: we get stuck and we can't seem to move on. 441 00:29:40,560 --> 00:29:43,760 Speaker 1: I think there's no accurate assessment as to how long 442 00:29:43,840 --> 00:29:47,120 Speaker 1: this will stay this way, but I think is always 443 00:29:47,640 --> 00:29:52,080 Speaker 1: time is nature's best remedy, and in time, all of 444 00:29:52,120 --> 00:29:56,200 Speaker 1: these negative feelings will pass. I really, I promise you that, 445 00:29:56,760 --> 00:30:00,560 Speaker 1: and with that comes in acceptance, the best and the 446 00:30:00,600 --> 00:30:04,800 Speaker 1: final stage. It's where we experience the release of all 447 00:30:04,840 --> 00:30:09,520 Speaker 1: of these heavy emotions and memories. Ultimately, you're going to 448 00:30:09,600 --> 00:30:13,640 Speaker 1: realize that this relationship needed to end for all the 449 00:30:13,720 --> 00:30:16,440 Speaker 1: right reasons, that you are better off and you will 450 00:30:16,480 --> 00:30:20,040 Speaker 1: be okay. I also think that it's at this point 451 00:30:20,080 --> 00:30:23,920 Speaker 1: that you are ready to date again, because you have 452 00:30:24,600 --> 00:30:29,200 Speaker 1: worked through every stage of this natural cycle of the 453 00:30:29,360 --> 00:30:33,560 Speaker 1: death of the relationship. It's likely that if your ex 454 00:30:33,600 --> 00:30:37,080 Speaker 1: has moved on very quickly within a few months, even 455 00:30:37,800 --> 00:30:41,080 Speaker 1: they haven't gone through this process, so they are stuck 456 00:30:41,400 --> 00:30:45,280 Speaker 1: somewhere in between, perhaps in denial or anger, but they're 457 00:30:45,360 --> 00:30:50,720 Speaker 1: using this new relationship as a distraction. The argument attached 458 00:30:50,720 --> 00:30:53,880 Speaker 1: to this theory suggests that everyone will have to go 459 00:30:54,000 --> 00:30:57,920 Speaker 1: through these stages eventually, and what you don't heal before 460 00:30:57,920 --> 00:31:03,400 Speaker 1: a new relationship will inevitably create problems in your next relationship. 461 00:31:04,040 --> 00:31:07,040 Speaker 1: So I think we've established what your first steps are. 462 00:31:07,560 --> 00:31:11,160 Speaker 1: Number One, you have to allow yourself to feel whatever 463 00:31:11,240 --> 00:31:14,680 Speaker 1: it is that's bubbling up below the surface, whether that 464 00:31:14,800 --> 00:31:19,720 Speaker 1: is jealousy, bitterness, anger, sadness. Each of these emotions is 465 00:31:19,920 --> 00:31:23,680 Speaker 1: valid and it's your time to listen to all of 466 00:31:23,720 --> 00:31:28,720 Speaker 1: those amazing breakup songs to wallow, because avoidance and avoiding 467 00:31:28,800 --> 00:31:32,600 Speaker 1: this state is just going to cause more stress, especially 468 00:31:32,640 --> 00:31:36,840 Speaker 1: if you're reacting very poorly or you're very upset about 469 00:31:36,840 --> 00:31:39,720 Speaker 1: them moving on with someone new. There was a recent 470 00:31:39,840 --> 00:31:43,880 Speaker 1: scientific study and it explored avoidance as a coping mechanism, 471 00:31:44,600 --> 00:31:47,560 Speaker 1: especially at the end of a relationship, and what they 472 00:31:47,640 --> 00:31:53,440 Speaker 1: found was that things like withdrawal, resignation, perhaps moving on 473 00:31:53,520 --> 00:31:58,960 Speaker 1: with someone new too quickly, they all produced negative, maladaptive 474 00:31:59,080 --> 00:32:05,680 Speaker 1: outcomes compared to active coping styles like self compassion, like redirection, 475 00:32:05,880 --> 00:32:12,960 Speaker 1: and sublimation. So sublimation is particularly powerful. It's a coping 476 00:32:13,000 --> 00:32:18,200 Speaker 1: mechanism where we redirect our unacceptable urges to lash out, 477 00:32:18,280 --> 00:32:21,480 Speaker 1: to say cruel things, all of that hurt, and we 478 00:32:21,640 --> 00:32:26,280 Speaker 1: channel them into something positive. Here's the thing. Resentment and 479 00:32:26,400 --> 00:32:31,840 Speaker 1: anger are incredibly strong motivators. If you have ever wanted 480 00:32:31,880 --> 00:32:34,440 Speaker 1: to run a marathon, or launch a new business, or 481 00:32:34,480 --> 00:32:37,760 Speaker 1: start a new project, this is probably a great time 482 00:32:37,840 --> 00:32:41,640 Speaker 1: to do it because you have so much emotional energy 483 00:32:42,160 --> 00:32:45,120 Speaker 1: that is looking for a safe space to land, that 484 00:32:45,240 --> 00:32:48,840 Speaker 1: is looking for an outlet. Secondly, I think it goes 485 00:32:48,880 --> 00:32:51,840 Speaker 1: without saying. I've said it time and time again, but 486 00:32:51,960 --> 00:32:55,760 Speaker 1: do not get into a new relationship, especially if it's 487 00:32:55,840 --> 00:33:00,200 Speaker 1: in retaliation to your ex's actions or new partner. People 488 00:33:00,240 --> 00:33:03,720 Speaker 1: are going to heal at very different speeds, so you 489 00:33:03,800 --> 00:33:07,000 Speaker 1: need to reflect on whether your decision to date is 490 00:33:07,080 --> 00:33:11,520 Speaker 1: coming from a meaningful place or one of vengeance. There's 491 00:33:11,520 --> 00:33:16,120 Speaker 1: this idea called repetition compulsion, so if you have been 492 00:33:16,200 --> 00:33:19,440 Speaker 1: hurt in the past, you can be very tempted to 493 00:33:19,640 --> 00:33:23,320 Speaker 1: rush into a new relationship with people who are wrong 494 00:33:23,400 --> 00:33:27,520 Speaker 1: for you because you're subconsciously trying to fix the pain. 495 00:33:28,120 --> 00:33:31,760 Speaker 1: But here are some important questions to ask yourself first. 496 00:33:32,000 --> 00:33:35,840 Speaker 1: If you're planning on dating again, am I still regularly 497 00:33:35,880 --> 00:33:39,400 Speaker 1: thinking about my ex? Why is that? Do I still 498 00:33:39,480 --> 00:33:44,320 Speaker 1: imagine a future with them? What did that relationship teach me? 499 00:33:44,480 --> 00:33:47,240 Speaker 1: And have I reflected and what it has taught me 500 00:33:47,320 --> 00:33:51,560 Speaker 1: about myself? Are you actually interested in meeting new people 501 00:33:52,240 --> 00:33:55,920 Speaker 1: or are you just seeking companionship? What are you actually 502 00:33:55,920 --> 00:33:59,880 Speaker 1: looking for? What are you not looking for? And finally, 503 00:34:00,400 --> 00:34:04,480 Speaker 1: am I okay? Are you okay or are you still grieving? 504 00:34:05,160 --> 00:34:07,720 Speaker 1: And what kind of coping strategies have you put in 505 00:34:07,760 --> 00:34:12,239 Speaker 1: place to protect your peace, protect your heart, and better yourself. 506 00:34:12,920 --> 00:34:16,239 Speaker 1: There are obviously no right or wrong answers to these questions. 507 00:34:16,480 --> 00:34:19,400 Speaker 1: All of your answers are going to be very much unique. 508 00:34:19,960 --> 00:34:23,319 Speaker 1: It's more of a thinking exercise because I think if 509 00:34:23,360 --> 00:34:26,880 Speaker 1: you answer these questions honestly, you will be able to 510 00:34:26,960 --> 00:34:30,360 Speaker 1: come to the right conclusion about whether you have truly 511 00:34:30,480 --> 00:34:34,719 Speaker 1: reached acceptance or you are just displacing your jealousy or 512 00:34:34,760 --> 00:34:40,200 Speaker 1: your desires onto someone new or filling that hole with companionship. Thirdly, 513 00:34:40,360 --> 00:34:43,280 Speaker 1: if your ex has moved on, take the higher ground. 514 00:34:43,920 --> 00:34:46,920 Speaker 1: As the saying goes, I think success is truly the 515 00:34:46,960 --> 00:34:49,840 Speaker 1: best revenge, and not because of what it brings the 516 00:34:49,880 --> 00:34:53,279 Speaker 1: other person, but because of what it brings you move 517 00:34:53,320 --> 00:34:57,360 Speaker 1: forward in silence, cultivate a beautiful life without the need 518 00:34:57,680 --> 00:35:00,920 Speaker 1: for their input, without needing them to know about. When 519 00:35:01,000 --> 00:35:04,040 Speaker 1: you allow your emotions, I think to overwhelm you and 520 00:35:04,080 --> 00:35:08,080 Speaker 1: take control, what you're really doing is giving your ego 521 00:35:08,520 --> 00:35:12,640 Speaker 1: control over your decisions. Don't message them saying how much 522 00:35:12,640 --> 00:35:15,480 Speaker 1: they've hurt you, don't show up at the door, don't 523 00:35:15,520 --> 00:35:19,960 Speaker 1: post any long rants on social media. Your silence and 524 00:35:20,000 --> 00:35:24,400 Speaker 1: your peace are the most powerful things at your disposal. 525 00:35:25,080 --> 00:35:28,680 Speaker 1: It's also important to reflect on all the good things 526 00:35:28,760 --> 00:35:32,839 Speaker 1: your singleness brings you, rather than that bitterness towards your 527 00:35:32,840 --> 00:35:36,080 Speaker 1: ex and their new relationship status. This is such an 528 00:35:36,120 --> 00:35:40,320 Speaker 1: important mental exercise because I think we often don't feel 529 00:35:40,440 --> 00:35:44,440 Speaker 1: valued in society unless we have a partner, and we 530 00:35:44,560 --> 00:35:48,440 Speaker 1: face this stigma, this perception that we should be striving 531 00:35:48,480 --> 00:35:52,279 Speaker 1: towards a new relationship, and what this does is it 532 00:35:52,360 --> 00:35:55,719 Speaker 1: causes us to end up in the wrong relationships at 533 00:35:55,760 --> 00:35:59,480 Speaker 1: the wrong time, with the wrong people. This is of 534 00:35:59,520 --> 00:36:02,239 Speaker 1: course go to be exacerbated by seeing our ex in 535 00:36:02,360 --> 00:36:06,480 Speaker 1: apparently a very happy new relationship and thinking that we 536 00:36:06,520 --> 00:36:11,080 Speaker 1: should have that as well. But being single brings such 537 00:36:11,120 --> 00:36:15,560 Speaker 1: a sense of freedom and independence that is insanely valuable, 538 00:36:16,160 --> 00:36:19,239 Speaker 1: especially in this decade of life and our twenties, when 539 00:36:19,280 --> 00:36:22,719 Speaker 1: our identity is still very much being formed. You have 540 00:36:22,800 --> 00:36:26,640 Speaker 1: more time for your hobbies, for exercise, for meaningful moments 541 00:36:26,719 --> 00:36:30,560 Speaker 1: with friends. I think also to travel without feeling like 542 00:36:31,160 --> 00:36:35,320 Speaker 1: you're missing something or you're missing someone. You just genuinely 543 00:36:35,400 --> 00:36:37,840 Speaker 1: know yourself better. And that's something that you cannot be 544 00:36:37,920 --> 00:36:41,640 Speaker 1: said for people who jump from one relationship to the 545 00:36:41,719 --> 00:36:45,279 Speaker 1: next because they are trying to suppress some emotion. Or 546 00:36:45,320 --> 00:36:49,640 Speaker 1: some deep pain. This mindset shift from I'm so miserable 547 00:36:49,640 --> 00:36:52,680 Speaker 1: that they moved on, I'm so lonely, I'm never going 548 00:36:52,760 --> 00:36:55,400 Speaker 1: to find someone to You know, how amazing is it 549 00:36:55,440 --> 00:36:58,000 Speaker 1: to be single? I get so much done, I feel 550 00:36:58,040 --> 00:37:01,480 Speaker 1: so free, I'm so happy. That really allows you to 551 00:37:01,560 --> 00:37:05,600 Speaker 1: shift from a victim mentality to a hero mentality or 552 00:37:05,600 --> 00:37:10,759 Speaker 1: to a profound place of agency. It's also an amazing 553 00:37:10,880 --> 00:37:14,280 Speaker 1: time to invest in your own development and self worth. 554 00:37:14,800 --> 00:37:17,480 Speaker 1: You know you're listening to this podcast, so I think 555 00:37:17,880 --> 00:37:21,920 Speaker 1: you're already on the right track. But choose one area 556 00:37:22,000 --> 00:37:25,120 Speaker 1: in your life that you want to improve and work 557 00:37:25,200 --> 00:37:29,120 Speaker 1: towards that higher outcome and that highest version of yourself, 558 00:37:29,840 --> 00:37:33,719 Speaker 1: rather than for looking for a new relationship, you know, 559 00:37:33,840 --> 00:37:37,440 Speaker 1: rather than ruminating on everything that was wrong with you 560 00:37:37,719 --> 00:37:41,200 Speaker 1: that caused that relationship to end or caused your ex 561 00:37:41,239 --> 00:37:44,840 Speaker 1: to move on so quickly. There are so few times 562 00:37:44,880 --> 00:37:48,319 Speaker 1: in our lives when we are truly alone and not 563 00:37:48,440 --> 00:37:52,680 Speaker 1: carrying the burdens of others or responsibility for their feelings. 564 00:37:52,800 --> 00:37:57,360 Speaker 1: So you really need to embrace this chapter. I'm talking 565 00:37:57,800 --> 00:38:01,239 Speaker 1: the daily walks, I'm talking journally, a clean room, a 566 00:38:01,280 --> 00:38:08,239 Speaker 1: clear mind, regular therapy. If you can and cultivating beautiful friendships, 567 00:38:08,640 --> 00:38:15,160 Speaker 1: cultivating beautiful and deep self awareness and self worth. I 568 00:38:15,200 --> 00:38:19,200 Speaker 1: remember after my last breakup, I really kind of went 569 00:38:19,239 --> 00:38:22,640 Speaker 1: into this realm of embracing my inner divine feminine. I 570 00:38:22,880 --> 00:38:26,440 Speaker 1: wrote out my affirmations, I listened to music that made 571 00:38:26,480 --> 00:38:30,959 Speaker 1: me feel powerful, and I saw every day as one 572 00:38:31,000 --> 00:38:33,759 Speaker 1: more step between me and my ex, one more day 573 00:38:34,239 --> 00:38:38,239 Speaker 1: that they knew nothing about. And when they inevitably moved on, 574 00:38:39,000 --> 00:38:41,839 Speaker 1: I truly didn't care because I'd done all the work 575 00:38:41,840 --> 00:38:44,399 Speaker 1: that I needed to do and I really just wanted 576 00:38:44,440 --> 00:38:48,280 Speaker 1: them to be happy. I'd stepped into my power, my agency. 577 00:38:48,320 --> 00:38:50,760 Speaker 1: I was so hyper focused on being the best version 578 00:38:50,800 --> 00:38:55,160 Speaker 1: of myself and I didn't see moving on as competition. 579 00:38:55,880 --> 00:38:59,200 Speaker 1: And I also didn't see it as them replacing me. Right, 580 00:38:59,280 --> 00:39:02,560 Speaker 1: they found some that was better for them, and I'll 581 00:39:02,560 --> 00:39:05,080 Speaker 1: find someone that's better for me, and that is all 582 00:39:05,120 --> 00:39:08,560 Speaker 1: that we can kind of hope for. And that's something 583 00:39:08,640 --> 00:39:12,160 Speaker 1: that I think a new relationship wasn't going to give me. 584 00:39:12,760 --> 00:39:16,080 Speaker 1: A rebound, wasn't going to give me. It wasn't going 585 00:39:16,120 --> 00:39:19,000 Speaker 1: to fulfill that need in the work I needed to 586 00:39:19,080 --> 00:39:21,359 Speaker 1: do for myself. You know, at the end of the day, 587 00:39:21,400 --> 00:39:24,719 Speaker 1: you're not your relationship status. And if your ex is 588 00:39:24,800 --> 00:39:28,600 Speaker 1: choosing to move on really quickly with someone else, they 589 00:39:28,640 --> 00:39:30,840 Speaker 1: haven't done the work that you are going to have 590 00:39:30,960 --> 00:39:34,960 Speaker 1: the privilege to do. They're going to find themselves where 591 00:39:35,000 --> 00:39:38,600 Speaker 1: you are now in six months time when that relationship 592 00:39:39,080 --> 00:39:42,440 Speaker 1: inevitably falls apart, and you don't see all the struggles 593 00:39:42,480 --> 00:39:44,799 Speaker 1: behind closed doors, you don't see what's going on in 594 00:39:44,840 --> 00:39:47,120 Speaker 1: their mind. They may just be one of those people 595 00:39:47,200 --> 00:39:52,719 Speaker 1: who needs to constantly be healing their emotional wounds by 596 00:39:52,800 --> 00:39:56,880 Speaker 1: using others to fill them essentially, and that's not the 597 00:39:56,960 --> 00:40:00,400 Speaker 1: kind of person that anyone listening to this pot cards 598 00:40:00,520 --> 00:40:03,520 Speaker 1: is going to be. And as a final reminder, I 599 00:40:03,560 --> 00:40:07,440 Speaker 1: just want to extend some love. I know so deeply 600 00:40:07,920 --> 00:40:12,319 Speaker 1: how much this hurts, how it feels to perhaps be 601 00:40:12,440 --> 00:40:16,719 Speaker 1: forgotten or feel replaced. That is not the case. That 602 00:40:16,840 --> 00:40:20,040 Speaker 1: is definitely not the case. And even if it was, 603 00:40:20,600 --> 00:40:23,759 Speaker 1: that has freed you, that has really allowed you to 604 00:40:23,760 --> 00:40:26,320 Speaker 1: do the work that you need to do and allowed 605 00:40:26,400 --> 00:40:29,359 Speaker 1: you to move on because they have kind of they've 606 00:40:29,400 --> 00:40:31,640 Speaker 1: made their decision, They've put their cards on the table, 607 00:40:32,280 --> 00:40:35,600 Speaker 1: and I think it actually does provide the emotional and 608 00:40:35,680 --> 00:40:41,200 Speaker 1: psychological closure that is necessary to fully be liberated from 609 00:40:41,239 --> 00:40:44,640 Speaker 1: an experience, or from a relationship, or from an ex partner. 610 00:40:44,800 --> 00:40:47,920 Speaker 1: So they have really done you a solid. They've done 611 00:40:47,920 --> 00:40:50,440 Speaker 1: a service for you. So thank you so much for 612 00:40:50,480 --> 00:40:53,799 Speaker 1: listening to today's episode. I really enjoyed it. I think 613 00:40:53,840 --> 00:40:56,400 Speaker 1: it is so fascinating to look at the science and 614 00:40:56,440 --> 00:41:00,680 Speaker 1: the psychology behind why we feel this way, why it 615 00:41:00,800 --> 00:41:02,960 Speaker 1: is normal, and to kind of eliminate some of that 616 00:41:03,160 --> 00:41:05,760 Speaker 1: shame and that sense of you know, oh, I shouldn't 617 00:41:05,760 --> 00:41:08,920 Speaker 1: feel bad, I shouldn't feel sad about this. You know, 618 00:41:09,000 --> 00:41:11,880 Speaker 1: you totally should feel sad if you want to feel sad. 619 00:41:12,320 --> 00:41:17,920 Speaker 1: It's a completely normal, natural psychological reaction to a breakup, 620 00:41:18,000 --> 00:41:21,400 Speaker 1: to the after effects to an experience of rejection. So 621 00:41:22,120 --> 00:41:25,880 Speaker 1: I hope that this episode has really helped you. As always, 622 00:41:25,960 --> 00:41:28,680 Speaker 1: if there is someone in your life who is having 623 00:41:28,760 --> 00:41:33,360 Speaker 1: this experience right now, whose X has moved on really quickly, 624 00:41:34,000 --> 00:41:35,880 Speaker 1: you should send this to them. I really hope that 625 00:41:35,960 --> 00:41:38,479 Speaker 1: they get something out of it. If you did enjoy 626 00:41:38,520 --> 00:41:41,120 Speaker 1: this episode, please feel free to leave a five star 627 00:41:41,160 --> 00:41:45,200 Speaker 1: review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening right now, 628 00:41:45,560 --> 00:41:49,120 Speaker 1: and if you want more content more bonus episodes, please 629 00:41:49,239 --> 00:41:53,000 Speaker 1: follow along at our Patreon. I really appreciate all the 630 00:41:53,040 --> 00:41:56,920 Speaker 1: support you have provided me over there. And finally, oh 631 00:41:56,920 --> 00:41:58,840 Speaker 1: my gosh, my ramble my spear at the end of 632 00:41:58,880 --> 00:42:01,640 Speaker 1: these episodes is becoming very long. Need to do something 633 00:42:01,719 --> 00:42:04,640 Speaker 1: about that. But if you're not already following me at Instagram, 634 00:42:04,719 --> 00:42:08,720 Speaker 1: I'm at that psychology podcast. If you have an episode suggestion, actually, 635 00:42:09,000 --> 00:42:12,120 Speaker 1: we're looking for some new ideas, so send it over 636 00:42:12,280 --> 00:42:14,520 Speaker 1: and we might just have a look into it. So 637 00:42:15,000 --> 00:42:17,480 Speaker 1: thank you so much for listening today and wishing you 638 00:42:17,480 --> 00:42:20,120 Speaker 1: all the best. I'm sending you so much love and 639 00:42:20,280 --> 00:42:25,280 Speaker 1: we will be back next week for another episode.