1 00:00:11,480 --> 00:00:19,200 Speaker 1: Welcome to Jolila. We would call in from our listener 2 00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:23,360 Speaker 1: Kelly to let her boo know she loves him and 3 00:00:23,400 --> 00:00:28,319 Speaker 1: she's thinking about him across the country. Here's a little 4 00:00:28,400 --> 00:00:30,760 Speaker 1: Richard Marks going out to Kelly's boom. 5 00:00:31,360 --> 00:00:31,880 Speaker 2: Oh my god. 6 00:00:31,920 --> 00:00:34,040 Speaker 3: I love like how juicy my mouth sounds. 7 00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:40,120 Speaker 2: It's like ASMR or whatever they call that. Somebody somewhere 8 00:00:40,200 --> 00:00:41,159 Speaker 2: is really enjoying. 9 00:00:41,159 --> 00:00:43,360 Speaker 3: That sounds a hundred. 10 00:00:44,280 --> 00:00:46,760 Speaker 2: I love that you just referenced Richard Mars. Have I ever 11 00:00:46,760 --> 00:00:48,480 Speaker 2: told you I was working with him for a while? 12 00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:51,800 Speaker 3: Shut up, I'm so jealous. I love Richard Marks so much. 13 00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:56,000 Speaker 2: Literally, it was one of those This was back when 14 00:00:56,040 --> 00:00:58,000 Speaker 2: I was in my twenties, so this was forever. 15 00:00:58,360 --> 00:00:59,800 Speaker 3: You need to get him back as a client. 16 00:01:00,240 --> 00:01:02,480 Speaker 2: No, he was living in Nashville for a minute. 17 00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:04,120 Speaker 3: I think he still has a house here. 18 00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:07,759 Speaker 2: I think, really, who the fuck is doing his screaming? 19 00:01:07,840 --> 00:01:08,840 Speaker 2: I'm just kidding. 20 00:01:09,080 --> 00:01:10,920 Speaker 3: I'm a file hit his manager right now. 21 00:01:12,360 --> 00:01:15,200 Speaker 2: It was one of those childhood moments of like what 22 00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:17,520 Speaker 2: is my life? You know, like when you just have 23 00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:20,399 Speaker 2: those full circle moments. I was. I remember being at 24 00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:24,160 Speaker 2: the Aquatic Club in bed Rouge hearing Richard Mark songs 25 00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:26,880 Speaker 2: and just die like I would be doing dances and 26 00:01:26,959 --> 00:01:28,080 Speaker 2: you know, such a fan. 27 00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:32,480 Speaker 4: So then a huge When I lived in la I 28 00:01:32,600 --> 00:01:34,760 Speaker 4: was like had this like obsession about him, and he 29 00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:37,120 Speaker 4: was starting to, like you know, it had been a 30 00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:39,319 Speaker 4: while no one was really talking about him, but he 31 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:41,479 Speaker 4: was like slowly starting to make his comeback. 32 00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:43,080 Speaker 3: And I saw him at I saw him at the 33 00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:44,520 Speaker 3: l Ray, and. 34 00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:46,160 Speaker 5: I was just trying to get anyone I could to 35 00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:48,880 Speaker 5: like be into Richard Marx with me. So I burned 36 00:01:48,880 --> 00:01:50,160 Speaker 5: a lot of copies. 37 00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:50,920 Speaker 3: Of his Greatest Dance. 38 00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:53,960 Speaker 5: I would just give them to people's gifts and make 39 00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:54,880 Speaker 5: them listen to it. 40 00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:57,920 Speaker 3: Me. I literally had a box of them. I was 41 00:01:57,960 --> 00:02:01,560 Speaker 3: like his promo guy. But you just love Richard Marx. 42 00:02:01,640 --> 00:02:03,560 Speaker 5: My friend Lyda, who I don't think listens to this, 43 00:02:03,680 --> 00:02:06,280 Speaker 5: but shout out to Leda if she does. She got 44 00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:08,680 Speaker 5: on board with me, like because we worked together. So 45 00:02:08,680 --> 00:02:10,480 Speaker 5: we would have to like drive to shows and like 46 00:02:10,560 --> 00:02:12,760 Speaker 5: riverside and stuff, and I'd be like, this is a 47 00:02:12,880 --> 00:02:14,840 Speaker 5: Richard Marx ride and it's all we're gonna listen to. 48 00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:17,560 Speaker 2: Oh my god, she was on board. 49 00:02:17,639 --> 00:02:19,920 Speaker 3: Oh my god. You know he's sixty two years old. 50 00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:21,880 Speaker 2: I mean I knew he was in he was probably 51 00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:25,880 Speaker 2: in his almost well if I'm forty three, you know, 52 00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:27,800 Speaker 2: matth that's hard for me. I don't know. I felt 53 00:02:27,840 --> 00:02:28,280 Speaker 2: like he was. 54 00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:30,920 Speaker 5: Like fifteen years Oh no, no, no, that's almost twenty 55 00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:31,959 Speaker 5: years older than you. 56 00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:35,520 Speaker 2: Yeah, but I I felt like when I was working 57 00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:38,440 Speaker 2: with him, he was in his young fifties. 58 00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:39,400 Speaker 3: Got it? 59 00:02:39,639 --> 00:02:40,480 Speaker 2: What is he sixty? 60 00:02:40,520 --> 00:02:40,600 Speaker 1: What? 61 00:02:41,040 --> 00:02:41,639 Speaker 3: Sixty two? 62 00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:46,360 Speaker 2: Okay, so twelve years ago. Maybe he was late forties. 63 00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:48,360 Speaker 2: It's like what we were talking about last week, where 64 00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:50,520 Speaker 2: you thought people were so much older. So now it's 65 00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:51,600 Speaker 2: like my age. 66 00:02:51,760 --> 00:02:53,280 Speaker 3: He looks good for his age. 67 00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:55,200 Speaker 2: Oh yeah, he's a very handsome guy. 68 00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:58,320 Speaker 3: And he was really handsome. He's a great shape. Daisy Fuentes, 69 00:02:59,120 --> 00:02:59,919 Speaker 3: Oh that's new. 70 00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:02,480 Speaker 2: See, that's new since we worked together because he was 71 00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:05,360 Speaker 2: married to some woman that was in Dirty Dancing. I 72 00:03:05,360 --> 00:03:08,840 Speaker 2: think she was that blonde dancer that danced with Patrick Swayze. 73 00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:11,400 Speaker 2: Oh really yeah, I think they were married for a 74 00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:14,720 Speaker 2: long time. I love that we're just taking listeners on 75 00:03:14,720 --> 00:03:15,280 Speaker 2: this deepak. 76 00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:18,880 Speaker 5: I mean, if you weren't familiar Cynthia Rhodes, Yeah, she 77 00:03:18,919 --> 00:03:20,200 Speaker 5: was an actress and a dancer. 78 00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:22,359 Speaker 2: Was it the blonde girl from Dirty Dancing? 79 00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:25,160 Speaker 3: Yeah? She was known as Penny for Dirty Dancing. 80 00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:29,200 Speaker 5: She was also Tina Tech and Flash Dance and Jackie 81 00:03:29,200 --> 00:03:33,359 Speaker 5: and Staying Alive and offer Sir Karen Thompson in Runaway Wow. 82 00:03:33,560 --> 00:03:36,200 Speaker 2: Wow, Well we've given Richard Marks a lot of energy, 83 00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:38,600 Speaker 2: but we didn't mention Delilah, which you just really took 84 00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:40,320 Speaker 2: me back on that as well. I love that I 85 00:03:40,360 --> 00:03:42,320 Speaker 2: started the podcast and you just launched it. 86 00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:48,080 Speaker 3: Delilah is a I mean still is. 87 00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:51,760 Speaker 2: I'm still obsessed with her. We used to listen when 88 00:03:51,760 --> 00:03:56,600 Speaker 2: she had her tagline was Delightla and then another voice 89 00:03:56,600 --> 00:03:58,880 Speaker 2: comes in and goes, love someone tonight. 90 00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:01,480 Speaker 3: I love it. 91 00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:04,520 Speaker 2: She fourteen kids or something. 92 00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:08,040 Speaker 3: It's like a million children and they're all adopted. I 93 00:04:08,040 --> 00:04:10,560 Speaker 3: think yeah, I think so. Yeah. She's a saint. 94 00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:13,560 Speaker 2: She really is, and she really helped a lot of 95 00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:17,280 Speaker 2: people in relationship, which is an interesting transition. That's why 96 00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:18,640 Speaker 2: I was like, you know what, we're just going to 97 00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:20,160 Speaker 2: start because we're. 98 00:04:19,920 --> 00:04:23,159 Speaker 5: Just going to talk Delilah. Should we get Delilah on here? 99 00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:26,520 Speaker 2: Oh my god? What if Delilah came on? You know, 100 00:04:26,640 --> 00:04:28,640 Speaker 2: she would be one that I would probably be nervous 101 00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:32,320 Speaker 2: to interview because she's been interviewing for so long, and 102 00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:35,279 Speaker 2: those people are sometimes intimidating because you're like, they know 103 00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:38,640 Speaker 2: the program, they know how to do this, they can well. 104 00:04:38,680 --> 00:04:41,120 Speaker 5: She has a podcast now too, it's called love Someone 105 00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:46,280 Speaker 5: to nic Well and she we might have a we 106 00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:48,039 Speaker 5: might have a way to get to her because it 107 00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:50,880 Speaker 5: looks like she posted about Lady A two days ago. 108 00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:53,760 Speaker 2: So my god. 109 00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:58,360 Speaker 5: So yeah, friends, our friends know how to get to Delilah. 110 00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:04,480 Speaker 2: So if you're listening, yeah, anyway, we are on relationships 111 00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:07,520 Speaker 2: today and I told you Chip that I had Tyie 112 00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:10,760 Speaker 2: Skipson back on the podcast on Wednesday. I love her. 113 00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:13,600 Speaker 2: She is a wealth of knowledge about relationships. She has 114 00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:17,480 Speaker 2: something called the Personal Development School where Gina she used 115 00:05:17,520 --> 00:05:19,479 Speaker 2: to be a therapist for many years and then she's 116 00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:22,560 Speaker 2: created this school where you can do these different programs 117 00:05:23,480 --> 00:05:25,880 Speaker 2: or buy these different programs and complete the programs. But 118 00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:28,800 Speaker 2: they're really like helping you learn about how to be 119 00:05:28,839 --> 00:05:31,040 Speaker 2: in relationships. So she does a lot of work around, 120 00:05:31,120 --> 00:05:33,760 Speaker 2: like attachment theory. But she came on the podcast because 121 00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:36,920 Speaker 2: she has a new program about the six Stages of relationships. 122 00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:39,159 Speaker 2: You and I were talking about this last night, and 123 00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:42,200 Speaker 2: I find it to be such an interesting topic because 124 00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:47,839 Speaker 2: it feels so anti the way we are presented relationships, 125 00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:50,640 Speaker 2: you know, like I think we're presented in our society 126 00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:54,960 Speaker 2: that they're supposed to be this fairy tale. You meet someone, 127 00:05:55,040 --> 00:05:58,600 Speaker 2: you French charmav you meet Prince Charming, that's gonna rescue 128 00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:02,239 Speaker 2: you on the white who No, it's just the fairy tale. 129 00:06:02,279 --> 00:06:04,960 Speaker 2: And then maybe you get married and then all of 130 00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:07,520 Speaker 2: a sudden you hear a lot of people saying, well, 131 00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:09,359 Speaker 2: it's not what I thought it was going to be 132 00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:12,200 Speaker 2: or reality. So everyone says the first year of marriage 133 00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:16,440 Speaker 2: is the hardest year, and it's because there's actually six 134 00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:21,160 Speaker 2: stages of a relationship to get to this blissful love 135 00:06:21,360 --> 00:06:25,599 Speaker 2: era where you really do have a steady foundation within 136 00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:28,479 Speaker 2: that relationship and with your partner, and we don't talk 137 00:06:28,520 --> 00:06:31,479 Speaker 2: about that. So when people get to these different stages 138 00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:35,719 Speaker 2: that are a necessary route to the thing we all want, 139 00:06:35,839 --> 00:06:38,760 Speaker 2: I believe a lot of times people dip out because 140 00:06:38,760 --> 00:06:41,080 Speaker 2: they're like, this isn't what I thought it should be. 141 00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:43,480 Speaker 2: And I thought that was That's a really interesting thing 142 00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:44,520 Speaker 2: to think about, isn't it. 143 00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:48,479 Speaker 5: I think about a couple of my friends who I 144 00:06:48,520 --> 00:06:51,119 Speaker 5: think are in some of the happiest marriages that I've 145 00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:55,400 Speaker 5: witnessed okay, and I remember both of them, but I 146 00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:58,600 Speaker 5: was friends with the women and the relationships before they 147 00:06:58,640 --> 00:07:00,599 Speaker 5: got married, and now I'm friends with their husbands. But 148 00:07:01,240 --> 00:07:04,400 Speaker 5: I can clearly remember both of them when they met 149 00:07:04,440 --> 00:07:08,560 Speaker 5: these future husbands of theirs telling me that they met 150 00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:14,360 Speaker 5: their husband and that big thought he was ugly. And 151 00:07:14,440 --> 00:07:17,120 Speaker 5: I think it's a really interesting point because they like 152 00:07:18,320 --> 00:07:21,240 Speaker 5: they were honest about it, but they were like, it 153 00:07:21,320 --> 00:07:24,400 Speaker 5: wasn't what I was expecting, but this guy's everything I've wanted, 154 00:07:24,760 --> 00:07:27,080 Speaker 5: you know. And I think, you know, I bring that 155 00:07:27,240 --> 00:07:29,640 Speaker 5: up because we're going to get into sort of love 156 00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:32,320 Speaker 5: being blind, and you know, that's obviously very trendy with 157 00:07:32,480 --> 00:07:33,480 Speaker 5: the television show. 158 00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:33,920 Speaker 3: That's a big hit. 159 00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:37,560 Speaker 5: But I do think that the root of a lot 160 00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:40,360 Speaker 5: of our problems is the superficial things that come along 161 00:07:40,400 --> 00:07:42,640 Speaker 5: with dating. You need someone with a lot of money. 162 00:07:42,720 --> 00:07:44,280 Speaker 5: You need someone that's going to take care of you. 163 00:07:44,280 --> 00:07:46,239 Speaker 5: You need someone that looks really good, you need someone 164 00:07:46,240 --> 00:07:49,240 Speaker 5: that's well endowed, someone that's got big tits, whatever it is, 165 00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:53,120 Speaker 5: and we're missing the point, like we need someone who's 166 00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:56,040 Speaker 5: going to love us for who we are, and that ultimately, 167 00:07:56,080 --> 00:07:58,000 Speaker 5: I think when you get through the six steps of 168 00:07:58,120 --> 00:08:02,040 Speaker 5: dating or relationship is sort of where you land. 169 00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:03,440 Speaker 3: It's like someone that. 170 00:08:03,320 --> 00:08:06,480 Speaker 5: It sees you and chooses you and is willing to 171 00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:10,080 Speaker 5: fight with you to keep you you. And I think 172 00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:13,120 Speaker 5: that's a really hard thing for any of us to stomach. 173 00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:16,600 Speaker 5: And a lot of us go into dating trying to 174 00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:20,239 Speaker 5: be this like perfect version of ourselves or like even 175 00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:24,720 Speaker 5: falsify who we are, just to win the acceptance of 176 00:08:24,840 --> 00:08:27,800 Speaker 5: the hottest person in the room. And I think that 177 00:08:27,880 --> 00:08:31,320 Speaker 5: makes it really dangerous, you know, It's there's nothing that's 178 00:08:31,360 --> 00:08:35,240 Speaker 5: sustainable about that unless you're really fucking lucky. 179 00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:38,120 Speaker 2: You know, Like, yeah, well, it's interesting because I don't 180 00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:43,200 Speaker 2: think that we necessarily even discuss what real love looks like. 181 00:08:43,720 --> 00:08:45,920 Speaker 2: I think we have fairy tale love. I think we 182 00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:49,520 Speaker 2: have storybook love. I think we have movie love, and 183 00:08:49,559 --> 00:08:51,280 Speaker 2: then a lot of us it's the same as I 184 00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:53,640 Speaker 2: feel about sex. It's like we just kind of stop 185 00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:56,640 Speaker 2: learning about it. Like you just have this idea that 186 00:08:56,720 --> 00:09:01,120 Speaker 2: you created somewhere along the lines in childhood. We all 187 00:09:01,120 --> 00:09:04,520 Speaker 2: bring baggage from whatever it is, but we have this idea, 188 00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:07,840 Speaker 2: and we go looking after that idea. Like you said, 189 00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:10,679 Speaker 2: it could be anything that's superficial even and we're like, Oh, 190 00:09:10,920 --> 00:09:13,920 Speaker 2: if I find the hottest person in the world, then 191 00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:16,440 Speaker 2: I'll be happy in our relationship and we'll build this 192 00:09:16,520 --> 00:09:18,720 Speaker 2: fantasy life with a picket fence or whatever it is 193 00:09:18,760 --> 00:09:22,120 Speaker 2: that you desire in your life. And we miss, Oh, 194 00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:24,840 Speaker 2: there's another human in this relationship too, with all their 195 00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:28,160 Speaker 2: own baggage and all their own narratives and all their 196 00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:31,520 Speaker 2: own desires and dreams that we have to learn to 197 00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:35,319 Speaker 2: basically almost run a business with is what it is. 198 00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:37,720 Speaker 3: Yeah, fit them into your life, work. 199 00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:42,720 Speaker 2: Together, yes, like how to compromise. Yeah. It's just really 200 00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:46,600 Speaker 2: kind of wild to me that we're not taught that ever. 201 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:50,160 Speaker 2: And so I think when you see couples in relationship 202 00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:53,520 Speaker 2: later down the line that are either going through some 203 00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:55,800 Speaker 2: of these phases or they have gone through them, there 204 00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:58,800 Speaker 2: can be different outcomes because it's like, if they're going 205 00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:00,880 Speaker 2: through the stages, you might be going, oh, maybe they 206 00:10:00,880 --> 00:10:02,440 Speaker 2: need to break up, you know, like if they're in 207 00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:05,640 Speaker 2: a power struggle stage, maybe it doesn't look so pretty, 208 00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:08,200 Speaker 2: But it's how you learn to work together, and can 209 00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:12,199 Speaker 2: you do that or are you just going after each 210 00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:14,440 Speaker 2: other and it's not going anywhere and it's going around 211 00:10:14,440 --> 00:10:16,040 Speaker 2: in a circle. You know, there's a lot of different 212 00:10:16,080 --> 00:10:18,600 Speaker 2: things that I think can be indicators of Okay, this 213 00:10:18,679 --> 00:10:20,640 Speaker 2: does need to go to the next step, or this 214 00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:23,560 Speaker 2: does need to end. So anyway, Tysa and I really 215 00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:25,840 Speaker 2: broke all of that down, and she taught me a 216 00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:29,319 Speaker 2: lot about the six stages. But I did keep bringing 217 00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:31,040 Speaker 2: up love is Blind to her because I just was 218 00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:34,079 Speaker 2: watching the new season and I know you've watched some seasons. 219 00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:38,760 Speaker 2: I don't think you this one, like spoiler alert. If 220 00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:41,600 Speaker 2: anyone is watching, I'm warning you right now. I'm about 221 00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:44,880 Speaker 2: to say what happened, So go ahead and like mute this, 222 00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:56,640 Speaker 2: turn it off. Whatever. This season nobody gets married. 223 00:10:57,480 --> 00:10:59,280 Speaker 3: Any well, wasn't this the first season? 224 00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:02,040 Speaker 5: And I haven't watched shit, but someone told me it's 225 00:11:02,080 --> 00:11:05,280 Speaker 5: the first season that the people are the most average 226 00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:09,720 Speaker 5: looking too, like se in seasons before, like no one's 227 00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:12,720 Speaker 5: arguably like the hottest thing in the world, but everyone's 228 00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:17,280 Speaker 5: like arguably attractive, And this one, this season finally had 229 00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:19,640 Speaker 5: some just like really average people. 230 00:11:20,559 --> 00:11:24,400 Speaker 2: That's probably true, yeah, but there's also some really pretty people. 231 00:11:24,520 --> 00:11:27,720 Speaker 2: So yeah, okay, it wasn't It wasn't anything that stood 232 00:11:27,720 --> 00:11:31,480 Speaker 2: out to me as overwhelmingly ooh, these people are not cute. 233 00:11:32,040 --> 00:11:33,960 Speaker 5: I kind of wish that that's how the show was, 234 00:11:34,080 --> 00:11:36,960 Speaker 5: Like I wish that it was like there were bigger 235 00:11:37,120 --> 00:11:40,640 Speaker 5: surprises and you know, not to tokenize anybody, but like 236 00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:42,880 Speaker 5: the world is made up of a lot of people, 237 00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:47,040 Speaker 5: Like there should be overweight people, there should be handicapped people, 238 00:11:47,080 --> 00:11:51,520 Speaker 5: there should like you know, again, they're selling the false 239 00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:56,240 Speaker 5: narrative of the prince charming, you know, like because. 240 00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:59,800 Speaker 6: Of looks, because of looks, and you know, I would 241 00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:02,800 Speaker 6: love to see a surprise where, yeah, I would love 242 00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:05,080 Speaker 6: to see a surprise where this beautiful woman ends up 243 00:12:05,160 --> 00:12:09,080 Speaker 6: with like a chubby, bald dude because she connected with 244 00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:09,760 Speaker 6: his spirit. 245 00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:12,520 Speaker 5: But you know, it's the programming goes all the way 246 00:12:12,559 --> 00:12:14,439 Speaker 5: back to our childhood. Like not to harp on the 247 00:12:14,440 --> 00:12:17,280 Speaker 5: prince charming thing, but like it's always a beautiful like 248 00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:21,560 Speaker 5: damsel in distress with a hot prince on a white horse, 249 00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:24,640 Speaker 5: and then there's like the ogre and the ugly troll, 250 00:12:24,679 --> 00:12:26,920 Speaker 5: and it's like we're set up to think that that 251 00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:29,679 Speaker 5: is what we're supposed to fit in with in terms 252 00:12:29,720 --> 00:12:32,319 Speaker 5: of relationships, and it's just a bunch of bs. 253 00:12:32,720 --> 00:12:36,600 Speaker 2: Do you ever think through the confusing chemistry and connection 254 00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:41,360 Speaker 2: piece because you're talking a lot about being really good looking. 255 00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:43,360 Speaker 2: And I think what love is blind is trying to 256 00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:47,000 Speaker 2: do is actually find true connection with people, right and 257 00:12:47,160 --> 00:12:51,520 Speaker 2: take out that like physical piece of it. But again, 258 00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:54,240 Speaker 2: you still have to have chemistry, like emotional chemistry or 259 00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:57,560 Speaker 2: conversational chemistry or you know, you have to like connect 260 00:12:57,600 --> 00:12:59,960 Speaker 2: with people. So it's still kind of the same thing. 261 00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:01,839 Speaker 2: But I do think we get that one a little 262 00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:05,280 Speaker 2: confused in our world. Like if you're so attracted to 263 00:13:05,280 --> 00:13:08,480 Speaker 2: someone and you have that like racing heart, often we're like, 264 00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:10,920 Speaker 2: oh my god, I'm so into that person. But if 265 00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:14,040 Speaker 2: you really dive into like therapeutic practices with this, a 266 00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:17,280 Speaker 2: lot of times that can be coming from a dysfunctional place. 267 00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:18,480 Speaker 3: Yeah, And if we just. 268 00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:22,360 Speaker 5: Feel desire to connect, yeah, well, and it's coming from 269 00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:22,960 Speaker 5: a wound. 270 00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:26,960 Speaker 2: Often, like you met someone who is re enacting the 271 00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:30,040 Speaker 2: same wound you have in relationship with one of your 272 00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:32,520 Speaker 2: parents or something like that, and so. 273 00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:37,000 Speaker 5: That's filling a narrative that you've imagined and you're like, oh, 274 00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:39,440 Speaker 5: this is the person, and you're ignoring all of the 275 00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:43,839 Speaker 5: other potential red flags or signs. Well, first of all, 276 00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:46,800 Speaker 5: what is the more important one when it comes to relationship. 277 00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:48,280 Speaker 3: Is it connection or chemistry? 278 00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:49,640 Speaker 2: What do you think? 279 00:13:50,559 --> 00:13:51,360 Speaker 3: Look, I think I. 280 00:13:51,280 --> 00:13:53,360 Speaker 5: Can connect with a lot of people, but I don't 281 00:13:53,360 --> 00:13:56,000 Speaker 5: know that I have chemistry with a lot of people. Interesting, 282 00:13:56,280 --> 00:13:59,240 Speaker 5: But I also think too like you could have chemistry 283 00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:02,160 Speaker 5: and have like why sex with someone and not connect 284 00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:06,240 Speaker 5: in any real way. And ultimately, I think you know 285 00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:10,200 Speaker 5: you have to be in lockstep with your partner for 286 00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:12,880 Speaker 5: a relationship to work. You know, it doesn't necessarily have 287 00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:16,280 Speaker 5: to be like chemistry the whole time. I feel like 288 00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:19,840 Speaker 5: true connection is probably the stronger bond. 289 00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:23,680 Speaker 2: I always heard you need two things to have a relationship, 290 00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:29,960 Speaker 2: the right timing and compatibility, So I mean compatibility. I 291 00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:33,440 Speaker 2: don't know. It could involve chemistry and connection ultimately, but 292 00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:36,160 Speaker 2: I think you can be really compatible with somebody. But 293 00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:39,360 Speaker 2: y'all could be in totally bad or different times of 294 00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:41,760 Speaker 2: your life right and that could be a factor of 295 00:14:41,760 --> 00:14:44,720 Speaker 2: it not working. Or you could be in the right time. 296 00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:46,760 Speaker 2: Y'all both want the same things, but you just don't. 297 00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:49,840 Speaker 2: You're not compatible and you don't have the right chemistry 298 00:14:49,840 --> 00:14:53,000 Speaker 2: and connections. I guess I would say both is important, 299 00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:56,200 Speaker 2: but I think long lasting you definitely need to be 300 00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:59,880 Speaker 2: able to connect with your partner, yeah, because as you said, 301 00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:04,960 Speaker 2: like you can't just be magnetic towards each other. And 302 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:07,680 Speaker 2: that's where I think the trauma from the past can 303 00:15:07,720 --> 00:15:10,120 Speaker 2: get a little bit like dicey if you haven't worked 304 00:15:10,120 --> 00:15:11,240 Speaker 2: through that well. 305 00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:16,120 Speaker 5: Because chemistry probably is that, like you feel that butterfly thing. 306 00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:19,440 Speaker 5: More so, it's like a physical reaction. 307 00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:22,640 Speaker 2: To which they feel. Like when you meet the person 308 00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:27,040 Speaker 2: that isn't activating your nervous system like what we're talking about, 309 00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:29,920 Speaker 2: it's gonna feel calm and you're going to feel like 310 00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:36,560 Speaker 2: more peaceful than the butterfly like feeling, you know, right, yeah, 311 00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:38,760 Speaker 2: which is it's just hard to decipher all the time 312 00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:41,080 Speaker 2: because obviously, like you want to be attracted to the 313 00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:43,600 Speaker 2: person you're with, and you want to be drawn to 314 00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:46,520 Speaker 2: them and excited about them and all those things. Like 315 00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:50,040 Speaker 2: I remember meeting my boyfriend for our first date, and 316 00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:51,760 Speaker 2: we had been talking on the phone, and we also 317 00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:53,800 Speaker 2: had known each other a long time, so I already knew, 318 00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:57,240 Speaker 2: like he's hot all this kind of thing, right, right, 319 00:15:57,320 --> 00:16:01,280 Speaker 2: But I spent two months talking to him on the 320 00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:03,960 Speaker 2: phone because he lives somewhere else and so like we 321 00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:06,680 Speaker 2: really connected too. But then on our first date. I 322 00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:11,320 Speaker 2: remember feeling nervous before, but then getting with him and 323 00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:13,760 Speaker 2: feeling calm, if that makes sense, And that was like 324 00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:14,360 Speaker 2: a really I. 325 00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:17,160 Speaker 3: Felt excited and not nervous, that's true. 326 00:16:17,240 --> 00:16:19,120 Speaker 2: Yeah, maybe it was more like, well, it was also, 327 00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:21,720 Speaker 2: is what we've been doing for the last two months 328 00:16:21,760 --> 00:16:24,920 Speaker 2: going to translate into real life and like work when 329 00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:26,920 Speaker 2: we're in front of each other. Because we had had 330 00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:30,520 Speaker 2: such great conversation and sometimes we would spend like five 331 00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:32,240 Speaker 2: hours on the phone. We would just like lose track 332 00:16:32,280 --> 00:16:35,480 Speaker 2: of time talking to each other, you know, and then 333 00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:39,200 Speaker 2: there was almost this like pressure when we met up 334 00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:43,240 Speaker 2: for the Yeah, like or is this going to be 335 00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:45,520 Speaker 2: really awkward and we're not going to be able to You've. 336 00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:49,280 Speaker 5: Already talked about everything like this soup is so good? 337 00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:52,880 Speaker 2: Okay, I remember that one time we were talking about. 338 00:16:52,800 --> 00:16:55,320 Speaker 5: Like, yeah, you're like, oh, you know, if we had 339 00:16:55,440 --> 00:16:57,920 Speaker 5: spent five hours on the phone talking about it, something 340 00:16:57,960 --> 00:17:00,400 Speaker 5: to talk about today. Yeah, I mean, look, I think 341 00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:04,200 Speaker 5: that butterfly feeling too, is often in the same way 342 00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:06,600 Speaker 5: that we just said that excitement and fear sort of 343 00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:10,440 Speaker 5: feel the same way. Are those butterflies something that is 344 00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:14,520 Speaker 5: also the fear of rejection that is like making you 345 00:17:14,560 --> 00:17:16,280 Speaker 5: feel this thing where you're like, oh my god, I 346 00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:17,119 Speaker 5: really want them to like me. 347 00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:18,439 Speaker 3: I want them to like me. I want them to 348 00:17:18,560 --> 00:17:18,800 Speaker 3: like me. 349 00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:21,040 Speaker 5: And it's not your body being like oh my god, 350 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:24,600 Speaker 5: this is a real connection. So back to the question 351 00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:27,000 Speaker 5: that I post, I go connection. I think that is 352 00:17:27,119 --> 00:17:30,399 Speaker 5: truly the more important thing. And back to the story 353 00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:32,400 Speaker 5: about my two friends that said that they met these 354 00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:35,679 Speaker 5: ugly guys, who, by the way, aren't that ugly, you know, 355 00:17:35,720 --> 00:17:40,200 Speaker 5: They're just not they're not feel I don't think they listen, 356 00:17:40,520 --> 00:17:42,920 Speaker 5: but they didn't fit the mold, you know, but they 357 00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:47,040 Speaker 5: felt this like massive connection to them and believed out 358 00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:49,159 Speaker 5: of the gate like holy shit, like that I just 359 00:17:49,240 --> 00:17:53,160 Speaker 5: met my my soulmate and they knew and I'll never 360 00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:56,640 Speaker 5: forget that. So I do think it's important, especially when 361 00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:59,080 Speaker 5: we live in an economy now where we're like swiping 362 00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:02,199 Speaker 5: left and right and everyone is two dimensional on a phone. 363 00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:07,000 Speaker 5: I think that serves the chemistry part more than the 364 00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:10,840 Speaker 5: connection part. Because I know myself, like, I'm lazy when 365 00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:13,919 Speaker 5: it comes to like putting together my profile because it 366 00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:17,600 Speaker 5: all feels like a waste of time now, So I 367 00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:20,399 Speaker 5: think that we need to figure out a way to 368 00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:24,359 Speaker 5: get back into the dating space that centers more on 369 00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:26,680 Speaker 5: connection versus chemistry. 370 00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:30,280 Speaker 2: But chemistry doesn't just have to be like attraction, right, like, 371 00:18:30,320 --> 00:18:34,600 Speaker 2: because I feel like chemistry you could have emotional chemistry, 372 00:18:34,760 --> 00:18:37,920 Speaker 2: mental chemistry with people, like it could be a bigger picture. 373 00:18:38,440 --> 00:18:40,399 Speaker 2: So it kind of is both. But I think what 374 00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:43,919 Speaker 2: you're saying is, don't just base it on attraction and 375 00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:47,320 Speaker 2: the external like good on paper kind of shit, right, 376 00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:52,240 Speaker 2: And it's interesting about when you were talking about your friends. 377 00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:56,040 Speaker 2: I do think something that another point that maybe you're 378 00:18:56,800 --> 00:19:00,320 Speaker 2: kind of dancing around is we have this idea of 379 00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:03,520 Speaker 2: just the magical falling in love like the fairy tale, 380 00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:07,639 Speaker 2: but we don't ever talk about building love and like 381 00:19:08,119 --> 00:19:12,520 Speaker 2: what the connection, the really the true connection with someone 382 00:19:13,280 --> 00:19:15,680 Speaker 2: looks like and the process of that. And that's really 383 00:19:15,680 --> 00:19:20,359 Speaker 2: what Tys is doing with this six stages work is like, hey, 384 00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:23,560 Speaker 2: there's a full dating stage and yes, that's really fun, 385 00:19:24,119 --> 00:19:26,399 Speaker 2: but that's also the time where you really need to 386 00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:29,119 Speaker 2: do your due diligence and like get to know a person, 387 00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:33,560 Speaker 2: do they actually align with you, like really digging into 388 00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:38,440 Speaker 2: that process of vetting and not just jumping into something 389 00:19:38,520 --> 00:19:42,320 Speaker 2: because it's there and you're been lonely or you know whatever. 390 00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:45,640 Speaker 2: It's like, really, does this person align with what I'm 391 00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:49,560 Speaker 2: looking for ultimately in a value system and a partner 392 00:19:49,640 --> 00:19:52,200 Speaker 2: in a foundation, and can we build with each other. 393 00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:55,919 Speaker 2: Then you go into the honeymoon phase, which is all magical, 394 00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:57,600 Speaker 2: and I said to her, I was like, oh, I 395 00:19:57,640 --> 00:19:59,800 Speaker 2: love the honeymoon phase, like it's the best phase, and 396 00:19:59,840 --> 00:20:04,320 Speaker 2: it is. It's so fun and exciting. Then you get 397 00:20:04,359 --> 00:20:06,840 Speaker 2: to power struggle though, which is like that's when you 398 00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:10,960 Speaker 2: were saying, everyone's almost showing up with their representative. But 399 00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:13,960 Speaker 2: then it's the power struggle stage, like shit gets real 400 00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:17,920 Speaker 2: and everyone's seeing all sides of a person. Hopefully you've 401 00:20:17,920 --> 00:20:21,240 Speaker 2: done your vetting and you've really like fallen in love 402 00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:24,200 Speaker 2: in the honeymoon stage, so that you want to work 403 00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:28,040 Speaker 2: through the power struggles phase like with each other, you know. 404 00:20:28,240 --> 00:20:30,560 Speaker 2: But like that's where a lot of people break up 405 00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:33,280 Speaker 2: because the second stuff gets hard. We don't have a 406 00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:41,320 Speaker 2: blueprint for how to do that, and so we break out. 407 00:20:44,920 --> 00:20:49,080 Speaker 5: I know that for me, that's where my faults come 408 00:20:49,119 --> 00:20:50,880 Speaker 5: into play. 409 00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:52,200 Speaker 3: Well, well just. 410 00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:54,960 Speaker 5: It's and now that I'm almost fifty, it's like I 411 00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:57,399 Speaker 5: feel like it's even harder because I'm more set in 412 00:20:57,400 --> 00:20:59,800 Speaker 5: my ways. I know that in my last relationship, it 413 00:21:00,160 --> 00:21:02,679 Speaker 5: was one of those things where it's like I and 414 00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:06,160 Speaker 5: a lot of it was unspoken. I couldn't see myself 415 00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:08,320 Speaker 5: moving into his house, and I couldn't see him living 416 00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:12,120 Speaker 5: in mind. That's not necessarily a power struggle, but it is. 417 00:21:12,240 --> 00:21:15,040 Speaker 5: You know, It's like there's a lot of compromise in that. 418 00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:18,040 Speaker 5: But I also wasn't ready to leave my house to 419 00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:21,240 Speaker 5: like go get at one with him. And I think 420 00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:23,600 Speaker 5: in those moments, that's where you have to like sort 421 00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:26,480 Speaker 5: of dig deep and be like ask yourself, well, why 422 00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:27,199 Speaker 5: can't I see that? 423 00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:28,640 Speaker 3: You know, is it something that. 424 00:21:28,640 --> 00:21:30,240 Speaker 5: I want to see or is it something that I 425 00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:32,639 Speaker 5: don't want to see? But I you know, I also 426 00:21:32,760 --> 00:21:35,560 Speaker 5: was like hyper aware of the fact that like if 427 00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:39,080 Speaker 5: the relationship was going to progress any further, like those 428 00:21:39,119 --> 00:21:41,760 Speaker 5: things needed to be something that I could envision. And 429 00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:44,040 Speaker 5: then you know, there were other power struggle things that 430 00:21:44,359 --> 00:21:47,280 Speaker 5: now I see in hindsight, that's what That's exactly the 431 00:21:47,320 --> 00:21:50,560 Speaker 5: phase that we were in was the power struggle phase 432 00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:54,679 Speaker 5: because my friendships were coming into play, and my work 433 00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:58,879 Speaker 5: was coming into play, and his friendships were coming into play. 434 00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:02,399 Speaker 5: So it was when you sent me the six the 435 00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:05,560 Speaker 5: six steps, it was really easy to see I could 436 00:22:05,560 --> 00:22:08,040 Speaker 5: look back at my relationships and be like, the power 437 00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:10,199 Speaker 5: struggle one is I think the one that I have 438 00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:12,520 Speaker 5: the most trouble with. Even though I think that, like 439 00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:15,359 Speaker 5: I feel like I'm still like open and willing to 440 00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:18,040 Speaker 5: like sacrifice and do all the things, and I'm like, 441 00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:18,800 Speaker 5: maybe not. 442 00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:22,880 Speaker 2: You know, it's harder than we all want to think. 443 00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:24,760 Speaker 2: I think we all want to think, oh, I'm so 444 00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:27,520 Speaker 2: good at compromise and oh said whatever, but we all 445 00:22:27,600 --> 00:22:30,320 Speaker 2: are set in our ways or you see life through 446 00:22:30,359 --> 00:22:35,240 Speaker 2: your perspective. Yeah, to really truly be in a relationship 447 00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:38,600 Speaker 2: where you're you know, like looking at someone else's perspective 448 00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:42,600 Speaker 2: and compromising and working together takes more effort than I 449 00:22:42,640 --> 00:22:44,800 Speaker 2: think anyone wants to actually admit. 450 00:22:45,040 --> 00:22:45,240 Speaker 3: Right. 451 00:22:45,560 --> 00:22:47,720 Speaker 2: But it also, like we talked about that on the 452 00:22:47,760 --> 00:22:51,560 Speaker 2: podcast on Wednesday, the reason so many people leave in 453 00:22:51,640 --> 00:22:53,960 Speaker 2: the power struggle stage is like you are getting real. 454 00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:57,080 Speaker 2: So it could have been the thing where you were realizing, Okay, hey, 455 00:22:57,200 --> 00:22:59,200 Speaker 2: we when we were in the honeymoon phase, we weren't 456 00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:02,880 Speaker 2: fully being on honest about who we are, what our 457 00:23:03,080 --> 00:23:06,520 Speaker 2: goals are, like our foundation stuff. Maybe isn't as aligned 458 00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:10,000 Speaker 2: and so maybe we're not as compatible like we were 459 00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:13,520 Speaker 2: saying at the beginning, or it's when you learn how 460 00:23:13,560 --> 00:23:17,920 Speaker 2: to fight with each other, work together, accept the other 461 00:23:18,000 --> 00:23:20,439 Speaker 2: person's jobs. Like for instance, my boyfriend and I in 462 00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:22,480 Speaker 2: the last week and a half have been in these 463 00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:26,760 Speaker 2: little like round about they're not fights, but we've been 464 00:23:26,800 --> 00:23:29,240 Speaker 2: stuck on a loop of the same conversation. And it's 465 00:23:29,240 --> 00:23:31,560 Speaker 2: been a season for me where I've been really busy, 466 00:23:32,240 --> 00:23:34,719 Speaker 2: and so I was feeling like I was doing all 467 00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:36,840 Speaker 2: this stuff and he was feeling like he's doing all 468 00:23:36,920 --> 00:23:39,440 Speaker 2: you know, and we're just if you don't communicate, it's 469 00:23:39,480 --> 00:23:43,440 Speaker 2: easy for things to get blown up. Well, we were 470 00:23:43,480 --> 00:23:46,000 Speaker 2: just talking today about all of it, and kind of 471 00:23:46,160 --> 00:23:47,639 Speaker 2: I was just like, let's just try to get to 472 00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:51,080 Speaker 2: a place of resolve, and I realized we are able to. 473 00:23:52,240 --> 00:23:55,040 Speaker 2: The reason I think like our relationship is working and 474 00:23:55,080 --> 00:23:58,360 Speaker 2: why we've been able to maintain for now is because 475 00:23:59,160 --> 00:24:01,399 Speaker 2: whenever we get to these places, we really both have 476 00:24:01,520 --> 00:24:05,000 Speaker 2: the goal of trying to hear the other person's perspective 477 00:24:05,800 --> 00:24:10,120 Speaker 2: and like listening and actually just holding space for it, 478 00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:12,359 Speaker 2: regardless of if we agree or not. Like you and know, 479 00:24:12,760 --> 00:24:15,879 Speaker 2: very different people, and we live very different types of 480 00:24:15,960 --> 00:24:19,760 Speaker 2: lives and so it does take a lot of just 481 00:24:19,800 --> 00:24:23,720 Speaker 2: like open conversation sometimes. And we're also long distance, so 482 00:24:23,800 --> 00:24:26,560 Speaker 2: like we have to be communicating about how to make 483 00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:29,399 Speaker 2: that work or it's going to fall off. And so 484 00:24:29,840 --> 00:24:33,200 Speaker 2: but what I respect about him and like the way 485 00:24:33,240 --> 00:24:35,720 Speaker 2: we've been able to move together is that we can 486 00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:38,720 Speaker 2: have these conversations and I've never had that before where 487 00:24:38,760 --> 00:24:42,560 Speaker 2: you can actually like find the workable solution for both people. 488 00:24:43,200 --> 00:24:45,240 Speaker 5: You know, I think it's really easy to fall into 489 00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:47,840 Speaker 5: a pattern of where you feel like you're in a 490 00:24:47,880 --> 00:24:51,120 Speaker 5: relationship and you're fighting with the person a lot, I think, 491 00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:53,280 Speaker 5: And I think that's the distinction that you have to make, 492 00:24:53,320 --> 00:24:55,840 Speaker 5: like are you fighting with them or for them? And 493 00:24:57,560 --> 00:25:02,160 Speaker 5: you know, I like I think sadly human nature is 494 00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:06,439 Speaker 5: we're all selfish in ways because it's a few and 495 00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:09,600 Speaker 5: I don't mean selfish in like the sort of traditional 496 00:25:09,600 --> 00:25:12,840 Speaker 5: sense of the word, but like we're all protecting ourselves. 497 00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:15,360 Speaker 5: We're trying to survive, and in doing that, we have 498 00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:17,800 Speaker 5: to be selfish. We have to put ourselves. 499 00:25:17,359 --> 00:25:19,240 Speaker 2: First, self focused a little. 500 00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:23,200 Speaker 5: Bit, yeah, self focused, And so when you're fighting for something, 501 00:25:23,840 --> 00:25:26,960 Speaker 5: I think it's really important to make it clear, which 502 00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:29,640 Speaker 5: it sounds like you all are doing that you're fighting 503 00:25:29,720 --> 00:25:31,280 Speaker 5: for the other person, that you're. 504 00:25:31,160 --> 00:25:33,479 Speaker 2: Not literally said those words. Today, I was like, I 505 00:25:33,520 --> 00:25:36,320 Speaker 2: think the goal of this conversation just has to be, like, 506 00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:39,919 Speaker 2: how do we fight for the relationship to be the 507 00:25:39,960 --> 00:25:43,760 Speaker 2: best environment for both of us in these seasons where 508 00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:46,960 Speaker 2: life is like pulling us in two different directions or whatever, 509 00:25:47,600 --> 00:25:51,080 Speaker 2: And because that was both of our goals, you resolve 510 00:25:51,119 --> 00:25:53,119 Speaker 2: it like yes, no, And it doesn't. 511 00:25:52,880 --> 00:25:54,879 Speaker 3: Mean oh I hear you, I see that. 512 00:25:55,400 --> 00:25:58,000 Speaker 2: Yeah, if I get out of my own way, I 513 00:25:58,040 --> 00:26:00,879 Speaker 2: can always see his side, you know. It's just like 514 00:26:00,960 --> 00:26:04,320 Speaker 2: I think our human nature makes us want to defend 515 00:26:04,400 --> 00:26:07,720 Speaker 2: our side and see it and be heard and seen, 516 00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:09,960 Speaker 2: and that is important and so I need him to 517 00:26:10,000 --> 00:26:12,879 Speaker 2: do that for me too, And sometimes it takes us 518 00:26:12,920 --> 00:26:15,840 Speaker 2: like a couple conversations to get to that, you know, 519 00:26:15,920 --> 00:26:18,720 Speaker 2: like we don't do it perfectly, but I just think 520 00:26:18,720 --> 00:26:21,240 Speaker 2: it's important for all of us to talk about this 521 00:26:21,440 --> 00:26:25,760 Speaker 2: so that we're setting ourselves up one for reality like 522 00:26:25,880 --> 00:26:30,720 Speaker 2: realistic expectations, but two also success because this to me, 523 00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:34,679 Speaker 2: like what Tys is doing with these six steps is 524 00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:37,840 Speaker 2: the way to get what I think most people are seeking, 525 00:26:38,240 --> 00:26:40,880 Speaker 2: but we get stuck. And you know, she did mention that, 526 00:26:40,920 --> 00:26:43,040 Speaker 2: you said, you get stuck in this power struggle stage 527 00:26:43,119 --> 00:26:44,760 Speaker 2: or you feel like that's kind of where thing's in 528 00:26:44,840 --> 00:26:47,159 Speaker 2: for you, And she was like, if you find yourself 529 00:26:47,880 --> 00:26:50,880 Speaker 2: getting stuck in the same phase in every relationship, there's 530 00:26:50,920 --> 00:26:53,680 Speaker 2: probably like some sort of barrier within you that needs 531 00:26:53,760 --> 00:26:55,720 Speaker 2: to be looked at, you know, And so maybe that's 532 00:26:55,720 --> 00:26:59,040 Speaker 2: something to think about. But to me, that's helpful because 533 00:26:59,040 --> 00:27:02,359 Speaker 2: it's like, the only way out is through, and the 534 00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:05,640 Speaker 2: only way any of us ever change is by looking 535 00:27:05,760 --> 00:27:09,440 Speaker 2: at the reality of what we keep bumping up against. 536 00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:12,879 Speaker 2: And it's not always pleasant, but it does take us 537 00:27:12,880 --> 00:27:15,720 Speaker 2: deeper and it does get us to what we want 538 00:27:15,840 --> 00:27:16,600 Speaker 2: most of the time. 539 00:27:16,760 --> 00:27:19,920 Speaker 3: Right, what's the phase after the power struggle? 540 00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:22,439 Speaker 2: I can't remember the name of it, and you just 541 00:27:22,480 --> 00:27:23,280 Speaker 2: put me on the spot. 542 00:27:23,520 --> 00:27:24,959 Speaker 3: Oh wait, I have it, I have it, I have 543 00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:25,520 Speaker 3: your notes. 544 00:27:26,560 --> 00:27:30,879 Speaker 5: It was a stability stage, which is really interesting because 545 00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:34,480 Speaker 5: if you think about two people that are seemingly disagreeing, 546 00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:38,080 Speaker 5: but if they're truly fighting for the same thing, and 547 00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:41,840 Speaker 5: you can come to some sort of agreement or understanding 548 00:27:41,880 --> 00:27:44,719 Speaker 5: that like, you know, what's that famous saying like, we 549 00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:48,000 Speaker 5: can agree to disagree, which is I mean, it sounds 550 00:27:48,040 --> 00:27:49,879 Speaker 5: like such a way to just end an argument, but 551 00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:51,760 Speaker 5: it's actually a really interesting. 552 00:27:51,520 --> 00:27:54,840 Speaker 2: It's always something I do assual because to disagree. 553 00:27:55,200 --> 00:27:57,280 Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean, it's fine. We don't all have to 554 00:27:57,760 --> 00:27:59,040 Speaker 3: agree things. 555 00:27:59,040 --> 00:28:01,399 Speaker 5: We can disagree on things, but you can like it 556 00:28:01,400 --> 00:28:03,840 Speaker 5: in a way you're saying like, look, I get your point, 557 00:28:04,280 --> 00:28:07,160 Speaker 5: You're never gonna get mine. I'm never going to fully 558 00:28:07,160 --> 00:28:09,040 Speaker 5: get yours in the way that you see it, but like, 559 00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:10,000 Speaker 5: I love you. 560 00:28:10,119 --> 00:28:11,120 Speaker 3: We need to fucking make. 561 00:28:11,040 --> 00:28:13,720 Speaker 2: This work well, and you can. I think, like one 562 00:28:13,720 --> 00:28:16,680 Speaker 2: of the things that I've been working on is if 563 00:28:16,720 --> 00:28:20,040 Speaker 2: I don't see it through the same lens, truly trying 564 00:28:20,040 --> 00:28:23,800 Speaker 2: to embrace it through someone else's lens and respect that lens. 565 00:28:24,240 --> 00:28:27,960 Speaker 2: Right in my former days, I think I would bump 566 00:28:28,040 --> 00:28:31,040 Speaker 2: up against that and I wouldn't have an amount of 567 00:28:31,040 --> 00:28:34,480 Speaker 2: a certain amount of respect for certain people's life lenses. 568 00:28:34,600 --> 00:28:36,960 Speaker 2: And that's not fair because we're all truly here. I 569 00:28:36,960 --> 00:28:38,560 Speaker 2: say this all the time on the podcast, like we're 570 00:28:38,600 --> 00:28:41,760 Speaker 2: here on different journeys, So how unfair of me to 571 00:28:41,840 --> 00:28:44,640 Speaker 2: be like, well, your lens and what the way you 572 00:28:44,680 --> 00:28:47,920 Speaker 2: see the world is just a dumber version of mine 573 00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:49,920 Speaker 2: or something, you know, like that's not what I think, 574 00:28:49,960 --> 00:28:52,720 Speaker 2: but I'm just giving that as an example. That would 575 00:28:52,760 --> 00:28:56,880 Speaker 2: be unfair, I believe, And so the goal being to 576 00:28:57,000 --> 00:28:59,880 Speaker 2: truly allow this for the space, like not just agree 577 00:28:59,920 --> 00:29:02,760 Speaker 2: to disagree, but also like, hey, but I respect where 578 00:29:02,760 --> 00:29:06,120 Speaker 2: you're coming from. My life experience or my perspective is 579 00:29:06,160 --> 00:29:08,600 Speaker 2: different because of this, and hopefully they see where you're 580 00:29:08,600 --> 00:29:11,440 Speaker 2: coming from because of that, And that's when you can 581 00:29:11,480 --> 00:29:14,280 Speaker 2: get into stability, I think is when you learn. For me, 582 00:29:14,360 --> 00:29:17,480 Speaker 2: it's been knowing that when we bump up against these things, 583 00:29:17,520 --> 00:29:20,080 Speaker 2: like we are going to work through it with each other, 584 00:29:20,160 --> 00:29:23,040 Speaker 2: and we're also going to hold a relationship at high 585 00:29:23,120 --> 00:29:28,600 Speaker 2: value still, so we will work to get back to 586 00:29:29,400 --> 00:29:32,400 Speaker 2: ground zero or whatever, and that having that steady foundation 587 00:29:33,320 --> 00:29:35,280 Speaker 2: does help with your stability. So it's like we know 588 00:29:35,360 --> 00:29:37,440 Speaker 2: when life because life just be life in you know, 589 00:29:37,520 --> 00:29:40,760 Speaker 2: like when life gets wild or whatever. Even if you 590 00:29:40,800 --> 00:29:43,240 Speaker 2: get a little bumpy with each other, you're like, okay, 591 00:29:43,240 --> 00:29:46,040 Speaker 2: but we've done this before. We know how to fight 592 00:29:46,080 --> 00:29:48,400 Speaker 2: through this. We know the conversations we need to have 593 00:29:49,240 --> 00:29:52,920 Speaker 2: or movements we need to take, and it just feels 594 00:29:52,920 --> 00:29:55,400 Speaker 2: a lot more stable, not so like threatening to. 595 00:29:55,440 --> 00:29:58,120 Speaker 3: The relationship right right, Yeah, which I. 596 00:29:58,080 --> 00:30:01,520 Speaker 2: Have not always had so anyway, I just think it's 597 00:30:01,520 --> 00:30:04,280 Speaker 2: important to discuss because the older I've gotten, the more 598 00:30:04,320 --> 00:30:07,840 Speaker 2: I've realized how misguided most of us are on what 599 00:30:08,080 --> 00:30:13,480 Speaker 2: actual love and true like connecting relationships look like. So 600 00:30:13,520 --> 00:30:16,080 Speaker 2: I really I loved tay USA's work for that. You 601 00:30:16,120 --> 00:30:18,400 Speaker 2: guys can go hear our full conversation on the Wednesday 602 00:30:18,440 --> 00:30:20,479 Speaker 2: episode and also just check out her work. She has 603 00:30:20,520 --> 00:30:24,160 Speaker 2: her own podcast, The Personal Development School is amazing as well, 604 00:30:24,160 --> 00:30:26,400 Speaker 2: and the work they're doing. So I'll put all of 605 00:30:26,440 --> 00:30:29,040 Speaker 2: that in the description of this podcast so you guys 606 00:30:29,080 --> 00:30:31,000 Speaker 2: can go check it out. We always want to know 607 00:30:31,000 --> 00:30:32,719 Speaker 2: what you think or what you're going through in your 608 00:30:32,800 --> 00:30:34,760 Speaker 2: relationships as well, so you can email us at the 609 00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:37,560 Speaker 2: Edge at velvet edge dot com. You can hit me 610 00:30:37,680 --> 00:30:40,280 Speaker 2: up on Instagram. I'm at Velvet's Edge. 611 00:30:40,400 --> 00:30:44,360 Speaker 3: Chip I's set at Velvet's Edge. I'm at Chip Doorshits. 612 00:30:44,920 --> 00:30:46,560 Speaker 3: We're like laughing at each other. 613 00:30:47,360 --> 00:30:52,400 Speaker 5: Chip d o r scch weal Velvet Edge. 614 00:30:53,440 --> 00:30:59,800 Speaker 2: Yeah, thank god, it's Friday, guys, Like agif all right, 615 00:31:00,080 --> 00:31:01,880 Speaker 2: do you guys go into the weekend and you're living 616 00:31:01,960 --> 00:31:03,960 Speaker 2: on the edge. I hope you always remember 617 00:31:04,120 --> 00:31:07,320 Speaker 3: To a casual man.