Speaker 1: Guys, social media is not real, dead ass man, I
Speaker 1: don't know how many times people gotta say it, it's
Speaker 1: not real. However, had I known what I know now
Speaker 1: about social media, I don't know if I would have
Speaker 1: been as forthcoming with you all about my life in general. Work. Yep.
Speaker 1: With that being said, follow us the past. Hey, I'm
Speaker 1: Cadine and we're the Ellises. You may know us from
Speaker 1: posting funny videos without boys and reading each other publicly
Speaker 1: as a form of therapy. Wait, I'll make you need
Speaker 1: therapy most days. Wow. And one more important thing to mention,
Speaker 1: we're married. We are. We created this podcast to open
Speaker 1: dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, things most
Speaker 1: folks don't want to talk about. Through the lens of
Speaker 1: a millennial married couple. Dead ass is the term that
Speaker 1: we say every day. So when we say dead ass,
Speaker 1: we're actually saying facts. One, the truth, the whole truth,
Speaker 1: and nothing but the truth. Were about to take pillows
Speaker 1: off to a whole new level. Dead ass starts right now.
Speaker 1: All right, story time, story Tom, I'm gonna take this
Speaker 1: back to nineteen nineties seven, but believe okay, we're going
Speaker 1: back in the time for roof for real today. That
Speaker 1: was the sound, remember that part of it. That was
Speaker 1: the sound when you were trying to get on Well,
Speaker 1: we're trying to get too, Well, it's the best. That
Speaker 1: was the sound. That was for a good time. That
Speaker 1: is where social media came from. That's where it's starting it.
Speaker 1: We're part of that. We were part of that. Isn't
Speaker 1: that amazing? I think about all of the things that
Speaker 1: we've existed through. Yes, I remember Mom pissed because I
Speaker 1: used to unplug the phone jack and put it in
Speaker 1: the computer so I can get my A O. L.
Speaker 1: And she couldn't get no phone calls and she used
Speaker 1: to be pissed. Not one. But then let's fast forward
Speaker 1: to two thousand and three, I believe was when Facebook
Speaker 1: first started. You had to be in college, you had
Speaker 1: to have an e d U in order to be
Speaker 1: on Facebook. And I remember it being a way to
Speaker 1: connect with people from high school and and elementary school
Speaker 1: because if they were in college, you could Google. They're
Speaker 1: not Google at this boot. You could Facebook their name
Speaker 1: and if it popped up, you could reconnect. That's what
Speaker 1: social media was supposed to be. Do you remember, like
Speaker 1: the person that told you about Facebook, like, the moment
Speaker 1: you found out about Facebook? Do I do? I remember?
Speaker 1: I think I think it was you, Yeah, because I
Speaker 1: remember what I remember when I found out was my
Speaker 1: friend Shannon Jones were in broadcast journalist and She's like,
Speaker 1: did you guys have it for Facebook? And I was like,
Speaker 1: what's that? And then it became a whole discussion. And
Speaker 1: I think in that class, we all signed up for
Speaker 1: Facebook because we were so fascinated by it. We are
Speaker 1: the generation that sparked the social media era. Put some
Speaker 1: respect on our names, y'all dead ass? That's gonna take
Speaker 1: me to karaoke? I got the perfect karaoke song to
Speaker 1: represent social media? Really, because are you ready? I'm ready?
Speaker 1: You want? You want? Your big boys? What are you laughing?
Speaker 1: Sip by myself talking to them. I just still don't
Speaker 1: know what he says. I still what the what's the
Speaker 1: other one? You may live in the dog, but I
Speaker 1: was born in it. These are all of these TikTok songs.
Speaker 1: I can't stand kill everything, kill essence? What else did
Speaker 1: they kill? They killed a lot of stuff? Bro um slide?
Speaker 1: What's the other Drake song that Shiy was dancing to?
Speaker 1: I don't know? Kiki do you love me? So I
Speaker 1: got to take them off my playlist now facts you
Speaker 1: know what, I don't recover from that. Let's go take
Speaker 1: a break, y'all. We're gonna pay some bills and come
Speaker 1: back and we're gonna talk more about social media, all right,
Speaker 1: And before before you leave, you just remember you big
Speaker 1: boys talking to them. We'll be back after these messages.
Speaker 1: So we're back social media. I'm gonna take you back
Speaker 1: to my SoundBite real quick. And the reason why I
Speaker 1: say I would not have been this forthcoming was because
Speaker 1: we just had no idea what social media was going
Speaker 1: to be. When it first started, it was literally just
Speaker 1: something that was cute to, like, oh we connect with someone.
Speaker 1: Oh I haven't seen such in such a long time,
Speaker 1: you know. And then it became just a thing that
Speaker 1: kind of spirals out of control in some good ways
Speaker 1: and then in some really really really bad ways. It
Speaker 1: became a trend um. But the big reason why I
Speaker 1: want to talk about it is because I want people
Speaker 1: to recognize how would has become a business. And once
Speaker 1: you recognize that it's become a business, you approach it differently. Right,
Speaker 1: You're less likely to be so nose in deep you know. So,
Speaker 1: I'll be honest, I never foresaw social media becoming what
Speaker 1: it is now in college, right, But in two thousand
Speaker 1: and sixteen, when I started to notice the trending in
Speaker 1: social media moving more towards mainstream media, that's when I
Speaker 1: changed my approach to social media and we started to
Speaker 1: become successful. Right. So, let's let's go. Let's look at
Speaker 1: some stats. Right first, Let's look at some facts and stuff.
Speaker 1: Right now. I love that. Let's do that A good
Speaker 1: way to start. Just look at some facts where we
Speaker 1: get into these these things. When Pure Research Center began
Speaker 1: tracking social media adoption in two thousand and five, this
Speaker 1: is upon just five percent of American adults used at
Speaker 1: least one of these platforms. By two thousand eleven, this
Speaker 1: is six years later, that share had risen to half
Speaker 1: of all Americans, and today seventy of the of the
Speaker 1: public uses some type of social media. According to that survey,
Speaker 1: approximately one in three divorces resulted from social media related disagreements.
Speaker 1: According to a study by the Loyola University Health System,
Speaker 1: Facebook with more than two billion users, is cited in
Speaker 1: one out of every five divorces in the United States.
Speaker 1: Growing research has shown that increased usage of social media
Speaker 1: has had a negative effect on marriages and relationships. Higher
Speaker 1: levels of social media usage have led to more marital
Speaker 1: problems in fidelity, conflicts, jealousy, and eventually divorce. A study
Speaker 1: published and Computers in Human Behavior found a link between
Speaker 1: social media used and decreased marriage quality in every model analyzed.
Speaker 1: So if you think that your model doesn't work that
Speaker 1: that way, it said every model. Oh. The study results
Speaker 1: predict that people who do not use social media are
Speaker 1: eleven percent happier in their marriages than people that regularly
Speaker 1: to use social media. A preoccupation with social media can
Speaker 1: lead to neglect of marital relationships. Okay, I mean I
Speaker 1: can see some of that. I didn't think it was
Speaker 1: one in every five, but I can see how it
Speaker 1: would be a thing where if someone is just like
Speaker 1: overly obsessed with even just time on their phone and
Speaker 1: not taking the time to engage in real life, that
Speaker 1: can be a detriment to any kind of relationship parent, child, spouse,
Speaker 1: you know, sibling, all that. So let's talk about how
Speaker 1: social media has changed. Right when social media first started,
Speaker 1: Let's talk about aol instant messenger my black planet, where
Speaker 1: you can get an instant messenger on yes have a no,
Speaker 1: no no. I had a BlackBerry messenger, I don't have
Speaker 1: a side, had a blackbrain messaging. But do you think
Speaker 1: about all of these things. They were created to shrink
Speaker 1: the world, make the world smaller by giving people access
Speaker 1: instantly to people that they haven't seen. Right. So whereas
Speaker 1: before when you were calling people, you know, you couldn't
Speaker 1: get group messages and calling stuff like that, but social
Speaker 1: media allowed you the ability to actually see these people
Speaker 1: when they can post pictures, create videos. And as they
Speaker 1: created it and the platforms begin to grow, it became
Speaker 1: a business. Why is it important to say that it
Speaker 1: became a business is because of this very very key factor.
Speaker 1: Once money is involved, the actual inception or conception of
Speaker 1: social media has to immediately change because it's no longer
Speaker 1: about connecting people, it's about selling to And once it
Speaker 1: becomes about selling to people, the authenticity goes out of
Speaker 1: the window. If people realize that, they will understand that
Speaker 1: the things that they see every day for hours on
Speaker 1: this computer, on this television, on this phone is not real.
Speaker 1: It's curated content in order to get you to buy something.
Speaker 1: Because as sure as hell gets me to buy ship
Speaker 1: when I happen to mention a pair of I don't
Speaker 1: know shoes that I've been looking at. I've been searching
Speaker 1: recently over the knee boots. Had a conversation with my
Speaker 1: mom that I'm looking for some over the knee boots.
Speaker 1: What pops up in my feet when I'm scrolling last
Speaker 1: night feeding Dakota every over the knee boots? Most things? Yeah,
Speaker 1: there was that. You're they're listening and they're reading your mind.
Speaker 1: Don't you feel like that they are? And it's important
Speaker 1: that you bring that up because the algorithm and then
Speaker 1: curating content allows them to create a world around your wants,
Speaker 1: not your needs, around your wants that is not real
Speaker 1: to the world we existent. For example, you get a
Speaker 1: chance to choose who you follow, So think about that.
Speaker 1: You're only following certain type of people, right, So every
Speaker 1: day you wake up your phone, you're looking at what
Speaker 1: these people have to say. They're a Indians, how they feel,
Speaker 1: what they think about the world. What that does is
Speaker 1: curate your reality because every time you look at your phone,
Speaker 1: what you see is this. Now, there's a whole real
Speaker 1: world that exists, but you chose to follow these people,
Speaker 1: and then the algorithm tends to send you people who
Speaker 1: are similar to the people you choose, So then they
Speaker 1: create a larger world that is curated to what you want,
Speaker 1: not what you need, because what you need may often
Speaker 1: tend may often say I need to get off this phone.
Speaker 1: They only curated to what you want because your desires
Speaker 1: is how you spend money. And think about how that
Speaker 1: also just affects your overall mood. Right, So if you
Speaker 1: are looking at social media and for example, they're creating
Speaker 1: content towards you wants, right, and you're like, man, today's Friday.
Speaker 1: That paycheck just just hit my account, and now I'm
Speaker 1: just gonna go off, right, Or you wake up on
Speaker 1: the morning and you look at your social media feed
Speaker 1: and it's just like like back in May of social injustice,
Speaker 1: racial injustice. So you tend to now your whole mood
Speaker 1: can be thrown on from the moment you wake up
Speaker 1: and pick up your phone and scroll through Instagram, because
Speaker 1: there's so much unrest in the world that then now
Speaker 1: there's unrest in your house, there's unrest in your mind,
Speaker 1: and where do you ever go to escape from that?
Speaker 1: I feel like social media at one point was an
Speaker 1: escape for some people, or it still maybe depending on
Speaker 1: who you follow. You have that couple that we said
Speaker 1: in a prior episode that's, you know, always on vacation,
Speaker 1: So that's an escape for you as you sit in
Speaker 1: your cubicle at work, or it becomes something that's just
Speaker 1: gonna be very, very daunting at times and you don't
Speaker 1: even know how or when to log off. So there's
Speaker 1: so like the psyche around the social media mind is
Speaker 1: becoming more and more complex as it becomes a thing
Speaker 1: where we cater to sales, we care to ads, we
Speaker 1: care to emotions, there's so many different things to impact. Well.
Speaker 1: Well here, well let's we'll start with this, right, the algorithm.
Speaker 1: Remember when I said social media they show you what
Speaker 1: you want, not what you need. Here's a perfect example.
Speaker 1: If I create a post that has any word in
Speaker 1: it that says black, those posts statistically get one fifth
Speaker 1: of the views as all of my other posts. This
Speaker 1: is a fact, is the fact that I've done the
Speaker 1: research on my own social media, my own Instagram, I've
Speaker 1: done my I've looked at my own analytics. Right. We
Speaker 1: had a children's book called The ellis Is and the
Speaker 1: Time Machine. Why do we have to say black lives matter? Right?
Speaker 1: Every time I post something with the book because it
Speaker 1: has black in it or black Lives Matter, the engagement
Speaker 1: is extremely low, which means the algorithm tends to push
Speaker 1: things that for example, they say that we need aside,
Speaker 1: let's push them the things that we want. Because here
Speaker 1: was the argument, right, my social media manager, the Norma,
Speaker 1: shout out to her, I often do other ads. Those
Speaker 1: ads that don't have black or black Lives matters still
Speaker 1: get great engagement. So it's not so much about the ads,
Speaker 1: it's about what the ads say. And if you think
Speaker 1: about the fact that the algorithm and the people who
Speaker 1: control social media control what you see, they're creating your life.
Speaker 1: Every day you wake up and look at this phone.
Speaker 1: And I know this could be conflicting for us because
Speaker 1: we built our whole platform through social media. But part
Speaker 1: of the reason why we've been able to grow through
Speaker 1: social media is because we've stayed transparent and we stay
Speaker 1: consistent to our message. Yeah, on Instagram, I mean on
Speaker 1: YouTube right now, we probably have a four followers. People
Speaker 1: always say why don't we have over a million followers?
Speaker 1: You want to know why, because we don't choose to
Speaker 1: only show the type of content that people want or
Speaker 1: the trendy content or the trendy content like what people
Speaker 1: were doing pranks, like couples of pranks and doing all
Speaker 1: these things. We're like, that doesn't really speak to us,
Speaker 1: and it's not part of what we feel like. We
Speaker 1: want to do it faster easily. If we did pranks,
Speaker 1: we could have grow our page faster, but we chose
Speaker 1: to do content that we feel people need. And for
Speaker 1: that reason, it doesn't grow as fast, but it's still
Speaker 1: growing and we don't give a ship. But the truth
Speaker 1: of the matter is, there are a lot of people,
Speaker 1: a lot of companies who are invested and growing their
Speaker 1: business through social media, and that creates false realities for
Speaker 1: people in this world, for sure, and and and and
Speaker 1: what happens is people don't realize that it's happening because
Speaker 1: it's never really been broken down for them, and they
Speaker 1: feel like everything they see on their phone is the
Speaker 1: whole entire world. So if I see it on my phone,
Speaker 1: that means everyone must see this and everyone must agree
Speaker 1: with this, so this must be the reality. When the
Speaker 1: truth of the matter is, it's not insane. That's crazy
Speaker 1: to me. It's really crazy to me, because, like you said,
Speaker 1: with us and our content. The way that we choose
Speaker 1: to evolve our content is really just showing not necessarily.
Speaker 1: More So, when people say that they feel like they
Speaker 1: know so much about us, it's not necessarily that they
Speaker 1: know more about us, because we've as sected it before.
Speaker 1: Right all the time that we have in a day.
Speaker 1: You see a one minute clip, how much is it
Speaker 1: that you really know? But the good thing is that
Speaker 1: we try to not just show the highlight reel, which
Speaker 1: most social media tends to be for a lot of people.
Speaker 1: We try to also show you guys the backside of things,
Speaker 1: which was why this podcast was so necessary because we
Speaker 1: felt that it was it was necessary for people to
Speaker 1: understand that with the ellis Is, you're going to get
Speaker 1: the highlights, but you're also going to get the low
Speaker 1: lights as well. And I think that's the reason why
Speaker 1: people were able to organically follow us and grow with
Speaker 1: us um, particularly on Instagram because I feel that's where
Speaker 1: we have the majority of our followers, but then also
Speaker 1: on YouTube slowly we're growing there um. But we're always
Speaker 1: just true to our content. So that's how we can
Speaker 1: lay our heads down at night. And my my sound
Speaker 1: bite when I started off in the top of the show,
Speaker 1: saying that if I knew this is what social media
Speaker 1: would be, I don't know if I would be on
Speaker 1: board with it. I really wasn't on board in the
Speaker 1: beginning because it was just the idea of me having
Speaker 1: to just put stuff out there about my life and
Speaker 1: my family and stuff. Um. And in the beginning, it
Speaker 1: was cool and it was cute when you have two
Speaker 1: or three thousand followers, and didn't expect not for our
Speaker 1: platform to grow organically into a platform of millions of
Speaker 1: poor hundreds of thousands of people that support support us.
Speaker 1: I didn't have that said. I didn't have that mindset
Speaker 1: at all. I was like, it's cute in the moment,
Speaker 1: But when it started to grow exponentially, then I was like, oh, shoot,
Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't know, how is this really
Speaker 1: gonna go? Um. The shout out to y'all for always
Speaker 1: holding me down, which I'm always concerned, you know, just
Speaker 1: being mama bear, which you have to expect. It's like
Speaker 1: just even thinking about social media and the exposure our
Speaker 1: kids are eventually gonna have to it, Jackson going to
Speaker 1: middle school. Um, thinking about the children who are Just
Speaker 1: yesterday I sent you an article about a twelve year
Speaker 1: old who committed suicide wasn't necessarily for social media reasons,
Speaker 1: but just the fact that these things are happening, and
Speaker 1: it's just super sad to see so um but the
Speaker 1: gift and the curse. It's it's sad to see, but
Speaker 1: it's the reality. It's the world. And I think we
Speaker 1: have to kind of like trying to show people how
Speaker 1: divisive social media it can be. For example, we know
Speaker 1: we see this every election cycle. I've seen it exhausting
Speaker 1: when Obama was running for president. Right, people start to
Speaker 1: argue and debate on Facebook. It's it's like there, it
Speaker 1: starts on Facebook, then it goes to Twitter. Right, Because
Speaker 1: there are different places for social media content. Right, people
Speaker 1: go on Twitter to be witty, make jokes, right and
Speaker 1: drag people. Right. Facebook is where all the political stuff happens.
Speaker 1: Because Facebook is an unlimited caricature. You can just make
Speaker 1: as big a message as you want. You can post
Speaker 1: what you want on this Facebook. Instagram is more of
Speaker 1: for aspirational lifestyle, but people just want to show themselves
Speaker 1: in shape, going on vacation. Here's a beautiful girl, here's
Speaker 1: a handsome guy. We just got engaged. That's what Instagram
Speaker 1: is and TikTok is where all the gen zers go
Speaker 1: to have fun and make dances. So there's different forms
Speaker 1: of social media. But what I noticed during the election
Speaker 1: cycle this year in was it's dangerous when you create
Speaker 1: you're your following list, and then the algorithm and all
Speaker 1: the people who you follow creates this idea that your
Speaker 1: world is the real world. So for example, if you're
Speaker 1: a Trump supporter and you follow Trump supporters, the algorithm,
Speaker 1: algorithm is going to constantly send you things in support
Speaker 1: of that ideology. If you are if you believe in
Speaker 1: Black Lives Matter and you follow that that that I
Speaker 1: forgot what it's called, but that hashtag, the algorithm or
Speaker 1: will show you everything that's in that lane, and then
Speaker 1: you begin to believe that that's how everybody views and
Speaker 1: see the world because that's how you see it. That's
Speaker 1: extremely dangerous because you have two different types of people
Speaker 1: who've curated their reality based on what they follow, what
Speaker 1: they like, what they share, and that's all they get
Speaker 1: fed to their psyche seven and then when they finally
Speaker 1: meet up face to face, it's like, how could you
Speaker 1: believe that when when you've been fed all of these
Speaker 1: ideas and ideology by a computer seven because it's scary. Yeah,
Speaker 1: we've all had that friend that will now speak you
Speaker 1: into persuasion because they have, for example, the vacs and
Speaker 1: the un vacs. Yes, that's another great one, and it's
Speaker 1: just like these people will come now and whether you're
Speaker 1: vacs provacts or you're not, or whatever the case may be,
Speaker 1: then you have all of these arguments to support your
Speaker 1: cause social media, when a lot of people aren't consulting
Speaker 1: with the real people you should be consulting with, with
Speaker 1: our doctors and scientists and all that. And then you
Speaker 1: have people who believe that the doctors and the scientists
Speaker 1: are all in cool with each other. And then you know,
Speaker 1: there's a whole, a whole you know, black hole that
Speaker 1: you can go down when it comes to social media
Speaker 1: based on that because people are getting this truth from there.
Speaker 1: They also take the one minute clips and they take
Speaker 1: the you know, two minute clips, and then they create
Speaker 1: a whole narrative story behind that one little clip and
Speaker 1: don't even care to do any additional research to listen
Speaker 1: to something at length, or to read an entire article
Speaker 1: to get the context. It just becomes what that is
Speaker 1: in the moment it's that instant gratification is that you know,
Speaker 1: what are we seeing right there in this moment that
Speaker 1: as we take his law and this is what's scary. Right.
Speaker 1: When we were growing up, in order to be on
Speaker 1: tell a vision, there was a process, a process that
Speaker 1: you had to go through to be considered a valuable source. Right,
Speaker 1: So for example, you you have a master's in broadcast journalism.
Speaker 1: Journalism at one point was something you said with pride,
Speaker 1: I am a journalist, which means I have a responsibility
Speaker 1: to deliver the facts and to be out there in
Speaker 1: the field to get the facts and speak to the
Speaker 1: credible sources. Absolutely, and and credibility was important back in
Speaker 1: the day because you want only people only got their
Speaker 1: information from certain places that were considered credible. Now with
Speaker 1: social media, you've given access to the masses to people
Speaker 1: who are not no longer looking for credibility. They're looking
Speaker 1: for clickbait value or shock value, which means they'll do
Speaker 1: or say anything to get people to click on their
Speaker 1: website or to believe their story. And the truth of
Speaker 1: the matter is a good lie is better than the
Speaker 1: truth any day, and a lie travel faster than the truth.
Speaker 1: So even if someone lies and it spreads like wildfire.
Speaker 1: Once people know the truth, they don't have the same
Speaker 1: vigor to spread the truth. And someone's like, oh, that
Speaker 1: wasn't really or whatever. So you just bash this person, clown,
Speaker 1: this person dragged them on Twitter, did all of these
Speaker 1: things based on a lie, and then when the truth
Speaker 1: comes out, you don't do the same thing and apologize.
Speaker 1: It's just well, let me look for another lot of
Speaker 1: followers so I can join the the the what is
Speaker 1: it called the echo chamber, you know of people the
Speaker 1: virtual lynch mob, you know what I'm saying, so I
Speaker 1: can just attack someone else. Like social media has become
Speaker 1: a place where you really cannot trust the things that
Speaker 1: you see because technology has made it where you can
Speaker 1: create anything. It's like Hollywood exists every day. I've seen
Speaker 1: a video. I've seen the video where it was clearly
Speaker 1: Oprah and Gail talking, but the faces on the bodies
Speaker 1: was Snoop and fifties and it looked like Snoop and
Speaker 1: fifty cent. We're wearing Oprah and Gale wigs and having
Speaker 1: a conversation and it sounded like Snoop and And I
Speaker 1: said to myself, whoever created this? Number one is a
Speaker 1: genius because that type of technology, But also what kind
Speaker 1: of makes you think, like, yo, how much of the
Speaker 1: stuff that we see can we actually believe? All can't
Speaker 1: believe it? I mean the good thing with social media though,
Speaker 1: is that things blow over fairly quickly. Like you'll be
Speaker 1: hot in that moment for like a day to maybe
Speaker 1: three days, and then it'll blow over and everybody forgets
Speaker 1: about it because, like you said, they're looking for the
Speaker 1: next clip bank or the next thing that's going to
Speaker 1: give you shock value. So when social media now relates
Speaker 1: to relationships, like the stats that you spoke about earlier,
Speaker 1: there's some dangers involved in social media and relationships, which
Speaker 1: I'm sure y'all can probably if you haven't been there
Speaker 1: at some point talking about somebody being in somebody's d M,
Speaker 1: somebody answering somebody, somebody liking somebody's picture, you know, husband
Speaker 1: or wife. It can create a riff. I know that.
Speaker 1: Um social media serves as a distraction from focusing on
Speaker 1: the interactions that nurture relationships. So social media can you
Speaker 1: sometime be used to be compulsive? Um it, we can,
Speaker 1: you can be sorry, making it difficult to manage the
Speaker 1: time spending it In fact, according to a study sided
Speaker 1: by psych Central, American college students describe abstaining from social
Speaker 1: media the same way describe staining from drugs and alcohol
Speaker 1: of draws, They have cravings, they have anxiety, and they
Speaker 1: feel jitters if they don't have access to their social media. Wow,
Speaker 1: that's insane. It has become a way of life though
Speaker 1: it had, Like if not when you meet people down
Speaker 1: one day to say, what was ther Instagram handle? In
Speaker 1: all business cards, own business cards. It's just people don't
Speaker 1: create websites as much anymore. Just my that's like your
Speaker 1: whole resume, it's your whole cop card if you were
Speaker 1: a model, Like everything is there on that Instagram page,
Speaker 1: which I feel like now, I don't know if that's
Speaker 1: a good thing or a bad thing when it comes
Speaker 1: to dating, because you have to not find this person
Speaker 1: on social media and then you scour their social media
Speaker 1: to see what is this person really like? What are
Speaker 1: they into? What do they post? You know, are they
Speaker 1: posting a bunch of selfies because they're into themselves? Or
Speaker 1: you know, it's just crazy, how much how many layers
Speaker 1: there are there? Something crazy when people meet people if
Speaker 1: they don't have a social media handle. They look at
Speaker 1: them as if crazy. You don't have this person, don't
Speaker 1: have I G you mysterious. You only got four pitches up? Nah,
Speaker 1: something's wrong with this person. That's a sickness that cause.
Speaker 1: Imagine if you met someone and you just like, wait
Speaker 1: a minute, you don't do coke, Oh, chick, don't do heroin.
Speaker 1: You don't do fitting on either, Like what do you do?
Speaker 1: Like that's how people treat Twitter, Twitter, Gram, Instagram, Twitter
Speaker 1: and Facebook. If you don't have one of the three,
Speaker 1: something is wrong with you, you know. And I think
Speaker 1: that it's scary because as you have children, I watched
Speaker 1: our children, right, we limit the amount of time they
Speaker 1: get a chance to spend time. Like Jackson has a phone.
Speaker 1: People keep saying all the time, I get Jacks, I
Speaker 1: G no, No, he don't need a whyn't you get
Speaker 1: a YouTube? He don't need one, he don't. You know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. Cairo and Cast they don't need one.
Speaker 1: But I do pick up their iPads and I see
Speaker 1: what they follow. So I'll go to their YouTube page
Speaker 1: and they and I see Steph Curry, I see Kyrie
Speaker 1: Irving Bose. You know what I'm saying. But but in
Speaker 1: their minds. That's all it exists. And this is how
Speaker 1: crazy it is. Right, I'll introduced them to another basketball
Speaker 1: player and they'll be like, oh, And when you see that,
Speaker 1: it makes you realize, like yo, Some people stop seeking
Speaker 1: information because they feel like everything they found on their
Speaker 1: timeline is the world. That's scary because what that does
Speaker 1: is that that creates this narrow minded, egocentric view of
Speaker 1: the entire world where everything revolves around my timeline. And
Speaker 1: if you believe everything revolves around your timeline, you're limiting
Speaker 1: yourself to growing. That's why it's so divisive. That's why
Speaker 1: over the last couple of years, Republicans and Democrats, trumpers
Speaker 1: versus non trumpers, vacts versus non vacts have been getting
Speaker 1: violent because if in your mind what you see is
Speaker 1: your truth, your reality, it can only be this way
Speaker 1: because when I pick up my phone, everybody agrees with
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. So in your mind, you think you're
Speaker 1: correct because everyone in your timeline is agreeing with you.
Speaker 1: Do like I do, right, kid? You not? I started
Speaker 1: to don't judge me. I started to follow Candice Owens
Speaker 1: during the election cycle. I don't follow her anymore because
Speaker 1: I wanted to see. I wanted a glimpse of what
Speaker 1: it was like to be on that side, right, and
Speaker 1: then this is a completely different world like the people
Speaker 1: on that side. And it wasn't just white Republicans, it
Speaker 1: wasn't just black Republicans. It was just people who agree
Speaker 1: with her ideology. They all have their own ego, change
Speaker 1: of ideas and thoughts that they believe in. And in
Speaker 1: that world, it's that, that's it. That's it. Be the
Speaker 1: idea of something else possibly existing does not happen because
Speaker 1: if we look at our world, look, it's true. And
Speaker 1: I used to watch the comments and see, like I'm
Speaker 1: reading the comments, nine of the comments agree with Candice.
Speaker 1: I don't understand what I said. Well, have you gotten
Speaker 1: off of candice page and looked at other pages and
Speaker 1: see nine of those people don't agree with her. And
Speaker 1: it's okay that people agree with her, it's okay that
Speaker 1: people don't. But you have to get a realistic view
Speaker 1: of the world by not putting yourself on a timeline.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. Don't don't just create your
Speaker 1: world on the tomeline and say everything I get here
Speaker 1: is my world. You have to go out there and
Speaker 1: find out what other people are thinking of, so you
Speaker 1: can get a realistic idea of what the world exists.
Speaker 1: Joke about like, um, what they call it is a
Speaker 1: water cooler talk like standing over the water cooler and
Speaker 1: having those conversations. I'm curious to know that even still
Speaker 1: really exists in workplaces, right because I can envision if
Speaker 1: you're like in a corporate structure and everyone sitting at
Speaker 1: their cubicle working and everything. The minute you have a
Speaker 1: break or you're in passing, it's like, let me grab
Speaker 1: my phone and start scrolling. You grab my phone and
Speaker 1: starts scrolling. And that's what that was that used to
Speaker 1: be away. I want to say back in the day,
Speaker 1: you make you sound old, But when we used to
Speaker 1: be able to exchange ideas and have conversations and have debates.
Speaker 1: And that's why I think about loves to have folks
Speaker 1: over so he can just talk and debate and just
Speaker 1: have conversations. As you can tell on the show is
Speaker 1: debate and have conversations, because it's like a lost art.
Speaker 1: Now all we're doing is just getting what we get
Speaker 1: from that narrow minded view that we get on social media.
Speaker 1: Social media literally fries your brain, fries your brain because
Speaker 1: the brain is a muscle and the less you use it,
Speaker 1: the more atrophies, and it's not gonna work, you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. So if you really think about it,
Speaker 1: if you just condition your brain to exist and believe
Speaker 1: in one thing and just only see the world one way,
Speaker 1: the rest of your brain is no longer working to
Speaker 1: find other ways to think or do things, and cognitively,
Speaker 1: you start to lose interest, You start to lose the
Speaker 1: ability to think other ways. You know, it's no different
Speaker 1: than reading all your books from one author. Yes, that's
Speaker 1: only read books from this author. That's their perspective, that's
Speaker 1: only their perspective. What you're doing when you're on social
Speaker 1: media NonStop is limiting your perspective. You're saying, I'm only
Speaker 1: going to view the world through these eyes. Let's give
Speaker 1: folks some guidelines for like maintaining a healthy Balancet's do it,
Speaker 1: like a healthy balance that you guys can have between
Speaker 1: social media and relationships. And I guess there can be
Speaker 1: romantic relationships just person to person into person. What was
Speaker 1: it that personal communication into personal communications? Yes, that was
Speaker 1: a course back in the day. I wonder if that's
Speaker 1: now replaced with like social media courses and stuff, because
Speaker 1: the course is a thing now that I'm curious to
Speaker 1: see what those courses look like now on social media building,
Speaker 1: you know, a platform and things like that. But inter
Speaker 1: personal communication was very much a thing back in the day,
Speaker 1: you know, once upon a time when de Val and
Speaker 1: I were in school. UM. So it's evidenced by couples
Speaker 1: who use social media to their advantage. It's possible to
Speaker 1: have healthy social media or healthy relationships and still be
Speaker 1: actively involved in social media. You and I think a
Speaker 1: fair example. UM. In fact, a two thousand thirteen study
Speaker 1: in Social psych Psychological and Personality Science UM found that
Speaker 1: people who share information about their relationships on Facebook, we're
Speaker 1: comfortable with their relationship. We talked about people not sharing
Speaker 1: who they're significant other is. You know, that's the big thing.
Speaker 1: Emoji over the face, you know, pretending as if we're
Speaker 1: not with somebody, you know, the whole hand. You know,
Speaker 1: you see the hand in the picture and she's reaching back,
Speaker 1: but it's like this anonymous hand. We don't get the
Speaker 1: hand is. However, setting guidelines on how to effectively use
Speaker 1: social media can mean the difference between a healthy use
Speaker 1: of social media within a relationship and taking it into
Speaker 1: a danger zone. For example, number one, do not use
Speaker 1: social media as a negative point of compar harrison for
Speaker 1: your relationship. So talked about that, if you feel compelled
Speaker 1: to make comparisons involving your relationship, compare where your relationship
Speaker 1: is today with what it was like a year ago,
Speaker 1: five years ago, ten years ago, last week, that matter.
Speaker 1: Say that again, if you feel compelled to make comparisons
Speaker 1: about your relationship, compare where your relationship is today with
Speaker 1: what it was like a year ago, five years ago,
Speaker 1: ten years ago, two months ago for those in long
Speaker 1: term relationships or short term ones, because the result of
Speaker 1: the comparison prompts changes in behavior that can build your relationship. Again,
Speaker 1: comparing you to you have a perfect analogy. I have
Speaker 1: a perfect analogy. Remember when I used to train track athletes'
Speaker 1: train track athletes, and the main thing I used to
Speaker 1: tell track athletes is stop looking at other people's times.
Speaker 1: You're not competing with their You're competing with yourself. So
Speaker 1: I had to had a young man who just started
Speaker 1: running track, and he was running a hund meters and
Speaker 1: this is his first year running track. He was a
Speaker 1: sophomore in high school. All of his other contemporaries have
Speaker 1: been running tracks their whole life, right, So he was
Speaker 1: a sophomore and there were a couple of kids on
Speaker 1: the track team who could run the hundred in sub eleven,
Speaker 1: so they were ten nine guys. A couple of these
Speaker 1: kids were junior Olympic guys. They've been running since they
Speaker 1: were six and seven years old. This kid just was fast.
Speaker 1: He was a basketball player, naturally fast. So he was
Speaker 1: running I think eleven seven. He's running eleven seven. So
Speaker 1: the whole track season and he's a sophomore, The whole
Speaker 1: track season went around and he went from running in
Speaker 1: eleven seven to an eleven two, and one of the
Speaker 1: fastest kids on the team went from running attend nine
Speaker 1: to attend seven. And he was pissed. Was He's like, damn,
Speaker 1: this kid still runs faster than me. And I said,
Speaker 1: wait a minute, you dropped your time by five tents.
Speaker 1: He dropped his by two tents. Was mean, you've gotten
Speaker 1: better over time, Then he's gotten better. He's still faster
Speaker 1: than because he started before you. But you can't even
Speaker 1: see how much better you've gotten because you're not comparing
Speaker 1: yourself to when you started. You're comparing yourself to where
Speaker 1: he that's unfair to you, and he was sure fireway
Speaker 1: to just be depressed, bro, And I try to explain
Speaker 1: to him that that's the problem. It's the same thing
Speaker 1: in relationship. You look at your significant other and you're
Speaker 1: constantly comparing where you two are compared to other people. Right,
Speaker 1: you just got together, you just uh, you just, for example,
Speaker 1: purchased a car for your your girlfriend. Homeboy bought a
Speaker 1: house for his wife, and you're like, Damn, I just
Speaker 1: got a car. But then he bought a house. They've
Speaker 1: been together fifteen years, y'all have been dating for six months.
Speaker 1: You brought her a car. You should you should be
Speaker 1: happy about that, but no, but a lot of people aren't.
Speaker 1: I got a car, he's her a house. You know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, Damn, I only got her car, but
Speaker 1: he was able to get her a house. Man, my
Speaker 1: life sucks. Stop comparing your life through social media to
Speaker 1: other people. I like that one constantly compared to where
Speaker 1: you were in the past. That's the real progress. That's
Speaker 1: that's the real process right there. All right, spend time
Speaker 1: nurturing your relationship, do the things that create closeness in
Speaker 1: your relationship and do them regularly without distraction. That's something
Speaker 1: that we This means leaving the cell phone at home,
Speaker 1: turning it off, turning it down at the restaurant, out
Speaker 1: of sight, out of mind. The distraction factor is one
Speaker 1: of the biggest challenges in social media. According to a
Speaker 1: study of Scientific American the presence of a cell phone
Speaker 1: can be detrimental to interpersonal relationships. And that's that's that's
Speaker 1: that's not just couples. My girlfriends and I, when we
Speaker 1: go out, cell phones in the middle of the table.
Speaker 1: That becomes a thing. Now, So when your cell phones
Speaker 1: in the middle of table, whoever has the urge, because
Speaker 1: you know, it's like crack, Now you gotta pick up
Speaker 1: your phone. Whoever has the urge to pick up their phone,
Speaker 1: they're paying the bill. That's that's the A lot of
Speaker 1: people do that. Now, implement that with your guys. See
Speaker 1: if you see if they'll do it. If we can
Speaker 1: just do a dinner, which tends to be an hour
Speaker 1: and a half, two hours maybe depending if it's a
Speaker 1: good for end, it could be three hours. But can
Speaker 1: the phone be down and no one grab it until
Speaker 1: we can fully be engaged in the moment. That as
Speaker 1: a couple. We've done as a couple because I know
Speaker 1: I've been guilty of just this aimless scrolling that happens.
Speaker 1: And if I'll be like, yo' all one thing, I
Speaker 1: will say, I'm not shopping, You're always shocking shopping away.
Speaker 1: I'm not a consumer of social media, like even even
Speaker 1: people hit me, but you don't like none of my post,
Speaker 1: you don't do you a ghost follower. I'm not a consumer, right,
Speaker 1: And I'm not a consumer for a reason, right. I
Speaker 1: never want to rely on social media to give me
Speaker 1: my view of the world. Right, I'm a content creator.
Speaker 1: So we used to have the base because Cadine will
Speaker 1: be like, you're on your phone all the time, and
Speaker 1: I'm like, well, I create editing, post content, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: you're on your phone all the time. And she's just like, yeah,
Speaker 1: well you're on your phone. But she used to consume
Speaker 1: she'd be scrolling, and I'm like, there's a difference between
Speaker 1: creating content and scrolling. So what we decided to do
Speaker 1: was when we go on days, we put the phones down.
Speaker 1: When we get home and we're having our moments at home,
Speaker 1: I like, yo, get off your phone, and we are
Speaker 1: deliberate about making sure that we tell each other that
Speaker 1: we need this time without the phone. You know, we're
Speaker 1: very deliberate about it, because whether you're a content creator
Speaker 1: or a scroller, that time you're spending on your phone
Speaker 1: and not spending with that person, it's time wasted. Absolutely
Speaker 1: definitely time wasted. And I've said before we live in
Speaker 1: a world of instant gratification where people also expect to
Speaker 1: have access to seven and that is just not healthy
Speaker 1: either because that forbid you don't return a message to
Speaker 1: somebody in what they considered to be a timely manner, whish,
Speaker 1: whether it's like it's an immediate a couple hours. The
Speaker 1: other day, a woman saying that she was rude because
Speaker 1: you don't respond to her. Yes, I did have a
Speaker 1: person that said to a friend of mine that I
Speaker 1: needed to have more manners when it came to her mind.
Speaker 1: You I barely know the person. I kind of know
Speaker 1: her through a friend, UM, but I need to have
Speaker 1: manners and reply to her d M because she messaged
Speaker 1: me and she know that I'd be on my phone
Speaker 1: all the time because I'll be posting stories. So girl,
Speaker 1: by okay, bye, come back in and buy again. Because
Speaker 1: what we're not gonna do is that. First of all,
Speaker 1: you're not gonna tell me when I need to be
Speaker 1: replying to you. Second of all, my d ms get
Speaker 1: flooded this and if it doesn't say seen underneath the message,
Speaker 1: chances are I ain't see a little raggedy message raggedy
Speaker 1: and little message it because I haven't seen your raggedy
Speaker 1: little message this, than chances are I wasn't able to
Speaker 1: exercise those manners that my parents definitely gave well. So yeah,
Speaker 1: back to number three, go'll be getting hot here. Don't
Speaker 1: do it again this season. I knew he was on
Speaker 1: one today when you came in with that red lip.
Speaker 1: Thank you, because you know I'm not. I haven't warned
Speaker 1: red Lip in a minute, though, because of the whole
Speaker 1: mass situations like I don't let it be all over,
Speaker 1: keep it on for you, b keep it on for you.
Speaker 1: Won't be a all right, do not maintain a separate
Speaker 1: social media life. Share your social media world with your partner.
Speaker 1: So I don't know how many people are willing to
Speaker 1: do that. Um does it matter really though? Hold on
Speaker 1: about the time to have to share my social media
Speaker 1: world with with my What does that mean? That's I
Speaker 1: knew you were going to be I knew you were not.
Speaker 1: You can see nah see, I knew you were not
Speaker 1: gonna know what this is you No, not even the
Speaker 1: group chats. People have separate social media handles, so they
Speaker 1: have the one that they spoused may have, but then
Speaker 1: they have a secret handle with other things. I wouldn't
Speaker 1: even know how circle goes. Now I'm gonna tell you
Speaker 1: how I found out about this, right, Okay, one of
Speaker 1: my my followers, he calling followers because y'all are like
Speaker 1: huge supporters of us. But he damned me and said, yo, bro,
Speaker 1: I have a question to ask you. Does Kadeen have
Speaker 1: multiple Instagram handles? And I was just like no, And
Speaker 1: he was just like, as I see Codeine, I am,
Speaker 1: but I also see Cordean Ellis, So like, yeah, she
Speaker 1: had opened up a Codeine Ellis account, like years Facebook
Speaker 1: name for for her for her actual Facebook page, but
Speaker 1: that's not one that she uses. Why right, he says,
Speaker 1: because my wife has a separate Instagram handle that I
Speaker 1: didn't know about. And when I asked her about it,
Speaker 1: she says, well, Codein has one too, girl. So I said,
Speaker 1: hold on, don't be bringing me into I said, so,
Speaker 1: I said, so what did she say Her reasoning was
Speaker 1: for having a separate Instagram handle. Well, she said there's
Speaker 1: certain things that she following her and her friends look
Speaker 1: up that she doesn't want him to know about. It's
Speaker 1: girl stuff that's her like separate friends life thing. They
Speaker 1: have d m s they do, So should they be
Speaker 1: following in pages like eggplant files and ships like that,
Speaker 1: like the print anonymous pages and whatnot. So to imagine
Speaker 1: if he's looking over her shoulder and she's on her
Speaker 1: regular page and it's just all like Bible verses rings
Speaker 1: because he said that she wants to get engaged in
Speaker 1: rings and all this other stuff, and you know, then
Speaker 1: he's like, oh, she's you know, nice, and it's but
Speaker 1: then he goes to the other page and it's out
Speaker 1: for black Man and playing Friday, and you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying, then he's going to probably create sweatpants Monday.
Speaker 1: See what I'm saying. People have that I found out
Speaker 1: this guy to me, So now I got to check
Speaker 1: your pe because check and see if anybody had been
Speaker 1: to baby check and see. But I didn't ask him
Speaker 1: if he check Stulves. I feel like that's invading. But
Speaker 1: I've heard of people having ghost pages, right, or I've
Speaker 1: heard of people being on even just like dating apps
Speaker 1: and you know, but that's a whole another that's a
Speaker 1: whole other topic for another day. But yeah, the social
Speaker 1: media has I didn't I wasn't sure what they meant
Speaker 1: by that, but sharing their world with it because I'm like,
Speaker 1: I know what you and your friends talk about in
Speaker 1: your group chats and stuff is you know that's yeah, listen, listen,
Speaker 1: I like it. I like, I like yours, can appreciate
Speaker 1: them to myself, walk into the podcast. What's up, buddy?
Speaker 1: You know I love your mom and you know that bro,
Speaker 1: now he ran he ran away. It's jack. You get
Speaker 1: to a certain age, you'll be on the same thing.
Speaker 1: That's a fact. But those are just three guidelines right
Speaker 1: there that they've given us, at least in this But
Speaker 1: I think we can we just go back real quickly.
Speaker 1: Can we go back real quick? Because you said something
Speaker 1: about sharing group message and stuff like that, right, you
Speaker 1: know what I talk about with my friends. I just
Speaker 1: know a lot of people struggle with having a separate
Speaker 1: social media life. Even though they are one way in
Speaker 1: you know, in person with their person, their social media
Speaker 1: is completely different. And people have asked me before, like
Speaker 1: how open am I with codeine? Having my d m
Speaker 1: S and having my this is this is just my truth, right.
Speaker 1: I like knowing that I can leave my phone somewhere
Speaker 1: and my wife may pick it up and whatever she sees,
Speaker 1: she already knows. I just like that. Everybody doesn't. There's
Speaker 1: no surprise. Everybody doesn't. It doesn't know prescribe, doesn't subscribe,
Speaker 1: doesn't subscribe to that. Prescription is just for medication, but
Speaker 1: doesn't subscribe to that. But for me, it's easy knowing
Speaker 1: that regardless of whether one of my boys sent me
Speaker 1: a booty shot or a pause or some titties or
Speaker 1: some girls that he's looking at, my wife already knows
Speaker 1: what it is. Because that allows us to exist freely.
Speaker 1: We talked about this in another podcast. Just because it
Speaker 1: it doesn't work for everyone else, and it works your relationship.
Speaker 1: You don't need everyone to understand because a lot of
Speaker 1: people feel like, note my, my spouse doesn't get access
Speaker 1: to all of that, And that's fine because if that
Speaker 1: works for you, that works for you. But this works
Speaker 1: for us. Memory about too. I got an email in
Speaker 1: or email like this is a while back though, um
Speaker 1: and someone was. I think it was after I had
Speaker 1: either Kyro or Kaz and the person was pretty much,
Speaker 1: you know, pleading with me in this email to not
Speaker 1: go under the knife to have surgery on my body
Speaker 1: because she went through the pages I followed on my
Speaker 1: Instagram and notice that I followed a handful of plastic surgeons.
Speaker 1: What in the hell does that have to do with anything?
Speaker 1: Does that mean that I'm going to go under somebody's knife,
Speaker 1: No shade to people who do. But since you mean
Speaker 1: you took you took time out of your day like
Speaker 1: you have a whole life, and you took time out
Speaker 1: of your day to clock who I follow and then
Speaker 1: observe the fact that I may follow six seven, eight
Speaker 1: nine plastic surgeons. And then that now gives you the
Speaker 1: audacity to email me to say, Kay, I love you
Speaker 1: the way you are, sist with that way on you.
Speaker 1: Please don't get no light bob. You don't need no bbl.
Speaker 1: Your asses find the way it is. I did not
Speaker 1: ask you. I did not ask you, And I'm sure
Speaker 1: if you invested more time in yourself and in your life,
Speaker 1: you'd be farther along or whatever the hell you got
Speaker 1: going on, rather than clocking who I follow this red
Speaker 1: lip is we this is a different right now, I
Speaker 1: don't even know who did you think about that? And
Speaker 1: I'm like, that was so that was probably one of
Speaker 1: the most ridiculous things that I've ever seen. But this
Speaker 1: is why people have ghost pages to follow those pages
Speaker 1: so that people don't know who they're following. Because I
Speaker 1: should use my ghost page. We're not my ghost page,
Speaker 1: but use a different page to follow what plastic serve
Speaker 1: is just because no, realistically, no, realistically, you don't because
Speaker 1: like we talked about before, people don't have to understand
Speaker 1: what you do in order for you to enjoy your life.
Speaker 1: They can think what they think. So if you don't
Speaker 1: do it because I'm like I want to, don't shock
Speaker 1: your pictures of assides and be like, devout what exercises
Speaker 1: like I do to get my joint to be lifted
Speaker 1: like that full for full transparency. For full transparency could
Speaker 1: be looking at BBLS and saying, devout what exercises cannot
Speaker 1: do to get my butt to look like full transparented
Speaker 1: some extra hips? How do I work that without having
Speaker 1: to do any surgery? So we were we were working
Speaker 1: on gluteus minimus glutyus maximum exercises a week. She can
Speaker 1: work on helping her hips appear to be wider because
Speaker 1: she wants to look a certain way. Now that's a
Speaker 1: whole different order of problems because we talked about body
Speaker 1: dysmorphia that women have because of all of the social media.
Speaker 1: I had a dude say to me, because of social media, Um,
Speaker 1: you seem to be so involved in your wife's looks. Um,
Speaker 1: you should learn to love her the way she is
Speaker 1: instead of pushing her to work out more. It seems
Speaker 1: like all you talk about is working out. Okay. So
Speaker 1: I didn't get as upset as you because I didn't
Speaker 1: have on a red lipstick, but I did explain to
Speaker 1: him like, hey, I know that you're not used to
Speaker 1: seeing someone in power and encourage their wife the way
Speaker 1: I do, but this is what she wants. I just
Speaker 1: want her to know that I'm rooting for her every
Speaker 1: step of the way. And then he said, it doesn't
Speaker 1: seem that way. It looks like all you care about
Speaker 1: is her working out. And once again I said, bro,
Speaker 1: you're not used to seeing a man be of of
Speaker 1: support to their wife like this, so when you see it,
Speaker 1: of course you're going to be thrown off. But you
Speaker 1: also don't know a lot of men like me. So
Speaker 1: nor does he see me in the bathroom every morning,
Speaker 1: or on the scale, or just breaking myself apart as
Speaker 1: us women tend to do sometimes, especially after having four kids,
Speaker 1: and just looking for ways that I can improve myself,
Speaker 1: you know, and not using anyone's standard as a measure,
Speaker 1: but just my own standard of what I'm looking for
Speaker 1: for myself. But also he also doesn't know that because
Speaker 1: he said that, I looked at his page. He's a
Speaker 1: dog lover and he's not in a relationship, doesn't have
Speaker 1: any kids. So from his perspective, it seems like everything
Speaker 1: his perspective is from being a dog lover and he
Speaker 1: and you're not a dog. So for me, what he
Speaker 1: doesn't realize is that dogs can't speak, so him training
Speaker 1: his dog is him doing things to make his dog
Speaker 1: do them. I have a wife, I don't have a pet.
Speaker 1: So when I'm incourage you, I'm not training you to
Speaker 1: go to the gym. You're waking up and saying, Babe,
Speaker 1: I want to lose some weight, I want to get
Speaker 1: down here, I want to do this, and me saying
Speaker 1: let's do it together. But that also shows you how
Speaker 1: social media can create a reality for some people that
Speaker 1: is not real, because in this man's mind, I was
Speaker 1: just a drill sergeant waking you up at five in
Speaker 1: the morning with a pan and the spoon, saying, get
Speaker 1: your fat ass up, let's get on the treadmill. But
Speaker 1: that wasn't happening. And the funny thing is all of
Speaker 1: these women were coming to my defense and saying, sir,
Speaker 1: you obviously are not married, don't have a wife. Most
Speaker 1: women suffer from postpartum depression because they don't have someone
Speaker 1: to support them through the process. They've also told him
Speaker 1: if you've been following them for a while, da Vo
Speaker 1: has told Cadine many of occasions that he loves her fluffy.
Speaker 1: I love when you have it doesn't matter to me.
Speaker 1: But what it shows you is that people create their
Speaker 1: own ideas about what the world is through their social
Speaker 1: media profile and timeline. And not only is it toxic,
Speaker 1: but it's crazy. And not only do they create their
Speaker 1: own world, they create everybody else's world too. Like you
Speaker 1: feel like you have everybody else's world figured out based
Speaker 1: off what they post and clearly, according to me in
Speaker 1: my situation, what they follow. Yeah, I mean, And here's
Speaker 1: the truth. Man, Sometimes you just follow people for entertainment.
Speaker 1: That's a fact. Like, but this is before social media.
Speaker 1: Codeine used to watch was It the Biggest Loser? No, um,
Speaker 1: the Biggest Transformation? Um me remember the show we used
Speaker 1: to watch in college where excuse me, the people looked
Speaker 1: in a certain way and Extreme. Ma used to watch
Speaker 1: Extreme Makeover and the home editions, and she used to
Speaker 1: watch the People edition where people were getting chin in
Speaker 1: plants their jaw online is done. She's just always been
Speaker 1: fascinated by people making transformation. A big before and afric
Speaker 1: kind of person. It's like, this is not the same person.
Speaker 1: This should be like sorcery. Maybe that's like as a
Speaker 1: makeup artist to the thing I used to love was
Speaker 1: like before and after, just to see like how you're
Speaker 1: able to just really transform. That's like the little artist
Speaker 1: in me. But you know, and if I wanted to
Speaker 1: go into the knife, I would like some what Like
Speaker 1: that's just what it is, is a different I'm just
Speaker 1: shot me doing the utmost with the least. Okay, that
Speaker 1: being said, I think it's a good point that we
Speaker 1: should take a break. Let me cool off, right as
Speaker 1: long as you as long as you promised to keep
Speaker 1: this energy and this red lipstick on later. This feistiness
Speaker 1: is what I like to see. I love it, all right,
Speaker 1: I promise you bad. We're gonna come back with some
Speaker 1: listening letters after we take a quick break. All right,
Speaker 1: we're back. We have to listener letters. They don't seem
Speaker 1: super long today. What's going on now? You want first?
Speaker 1: You want to go first? Um, I can go first.
Speaker 1: Take getting a vow a twenty five year old woman
Speaker 1: who was born and raised seven day Adventists or in
Speaker 1: a seven day events household. That's similar. My parents, are
Speaker 1: you making okay? There's one half of me, and as
Speaker 1: you know, they're very much opinionated, to say the least.
Speaker 1: I've been with my boyfriend for six years and my
Speaker 1: parents feel as if I'm acting like a wife to him,
Speaker 1: very similar situations. My parents would continuously lecture me about it,
Speaker 1: saying that I should get married or that I should
Speaker 1: just go to the courthouse and get it done. Although
Speaker 1: I do believe I act more like a wife or
Speaker 1: spouse to my boyfriend at times. My boyfriend and I
Speaker 1: are overall not ready for what marriage and tails. We
Speaker 1: both still have a semester lefton nurse. In school, we
Speaker 1: do talk about marriage and would like to get married,
Speaker 1: but are both not in a financial position to get married.
Speaker 1: Sart so smart. I feel like, right now, that's a fact.
Speaker 1: Right now I'm one ring. How does the role of
Speaker 1: a girlfriend differ from the role of a wife? Would
Speaker 1: it be too late in the relationship to reverse back
Speaker 1: to doing only things? Don't reverse this? Don't this is
Speaker 1: a good question questions. It's a good question because remember trouble.
Speaker 1: How does she ask me that question? Like, I wonder
Speaker 1: what Canadian did to become a wife? I gotta start
Speaker 1: doing that. She was like, man, I'm tired of this ship. Man,
Speaker 1: I'm about to become a wife. Let me find out
Speaker 1: what what did I do? Act like a wife the beginning. So,
Speaker 1: if you were raised in a Jamaican household, chances are
Speaker 1: you were raised to be of service to a partner
Speaker 1: or with that being an example of something that you saw.
Speaker 1: Regardless of what your parents were going through at the time,
Speaker 1: they were very much taking care of each other. Right, Um,
Speaker 1: I feel like I was raising a household where I
Speaker 1: was seeing from my grandmother and my grandfather and all that. Um.
Speaker 1: The woman being of service to her hush and making
Speaker 1: sure he's taken care of. So I can understand where
Speaker 1: she feels like that that urge or a desire to
Speaker 1: take care of him like a wife would, because that's
Speaker 1: just what I did. I did the same thing with you.
Speaker 1: You always felt taken care of, even if I was
Speaker 1: a girlfriend, and it wasn't because I was looking for
Speaker 1: a particular title or I was on the pursuit of
Speaker 1: being your wife or having a ring. It was just
Speaker 1: a genuine from day one, from day one, it's just
Speaker 1: how I was like being a nurturer. Wanting to take
Speaker 1: care of my partner um was just something that was
Speaker 1: of paramount importance to me. So I can understand why
Speaker 1: that's something that she's probably been doing for him. I
Speaker 1: think you'll haven't figured out where you want to both
Speaker 1: finish nursing school, both be done, then finally get married
Speaker 1: when you're a financial position to do that. Like this
Speaker 1: is these are talking to people who are thinking with
Speaker 1: their brains and not their hearts, and there's an understood
Speaker 1: something that doesn't need to be said here that you
Speaker 1: both care for each other, you being I understand the
Speaker 1: pressure the born and race seven day events are how
Speaker 1: strict and confining. That can be. But but you know
Speaker 1: that's the issue though, because if they're living together, her
Speaker 1: parents have an issue with them living together, right, just
Speaker 1: like without being married, just like my parents did, and
Speaker 1: how you did, how you fell in two thousand and seven,
Speaker 1: you were like, I don't want to be a living girlfriend, right.
Speaker 1: So I get where her parents are coming from absolutely,
Speaker 1: and as a parent, I can understand where it's coming from.
Speaker 1: This goes back to the episode W's Happened to Now?
Speaker 1: Kind of tune people out of your relationship and doing
Speaker 1: the things that you have to do for your relationship.
Speaker 1: Relationship does not have to make sense to anyone else
Speaker 1: but you two in order for it to work. So
Speaker 1: when it comes down to a role of a girlfriend
Speaker 1: versus a wife, I think that that can be relative
Speaker 1: to the situation, depending on what you feel or you
Speaker 1: see fit. You know, there's no rule, there's no rule.
Speaker 1: There's no rule. There's no girlfriend's wife do that. There's
Speaker 1: no rule for that. And I see people sometimes social
Speaker 1: media be like, stopped acting like a wife when you
Speaker 1: really just a girlfriend. That's bullshit. It's it's bullshit, Like
Speaker 1: it really is bullshit when you are and of service
Speaker 1: to someone, You just do what they need and want
Speaker 1: because you have services. Whether you're in a relationship or
Speaker 1: not or married. Facts, you should just be putting your
Speaker 1: best foot forward with this person. And then if marriage
Speaker 1: is a goal like it is for these two, then
Speaker 1: you work towards that in your time frame. That's here,
Speaker 1: and it's the same thing, the same thing for men. Like,
Speaker 1: there's no, I ain't doing this because I ain't your husband. Listen,
Speaker 1: we lived together. I'm paying the bills. That's how it
Speaker 1: was for me and Cadeine. I wasn't saying, well, we
Speaker 1: ain't married, so you got to splay. It's like, no,
Speaker 1: this is what I want to do. So and this
Speaker 1: I'm showing you how our life can be working together
Speaker 1: once we get married. So here's an example of what
Speaker 1: it is. Her example is making my plate and making
Speaker 1: sure that I'm taking care of So some people be like,
Speaker 1: don't make his plate. You and his wife, don't pay
Speaker 1: her bills. You win her husband. That may work for you'all,
Speaker 1: that didn't work for us. We've been we've been working
Speaker 1: this way, says what would it look like if you
Speaker 1: try to reverse back to being this role of a girlfriend.
Speaker 1: What is that even gonna look like for y'all. So
Speaker 1: now you're going to be acting against what you genuinely
Speaker 1: want to do for your boyfriend and the things that
Speaker 1: you want to do to possibly be a service to him,
Speaker 1: because you're fearing what either your parents or his parents
Speaker 1: of the world may think about you acting and not
Speaker 1: according to your title. You know what I mean. That's
Speaker 1: completely ridiculous to me. I say, y'all, have I want
Speaker 1: to hug y'all, have your head on straight. It seems
Speaker 1: like y'all are you know, have your ducks in a row,
Speaker 1: you want to finish school, get yourself financially in a
Speaker 1: position to get married, because I'm sure at the same
Speaker 1: time to your parents are gonna want that wedding to
Speaker 1: matter to them, like just going to the court to
Speaker 1: do it. Maybe they want to be involved in it,
Speaker 1: you know. Hopefully they're not pushing you to just go
Speaker 1: do something on a whim when you're not ready for it.
Speaker 1: So I think that's more the saying what they want
Speaker 1: to see because people that you know, you know parents,
Speaker 1: So so your dodter is living with some and so
Speaker 1: my mother how to how Joseph of Nursing Rivermanic care
Speaker 1: center telling everyone that my daughters on vacation with a man. Absolutely,
Speaker 1: it was like, it was like, why are you gonna
Speaker 1: tell anybody anything? She said this She ain't had no
Speaker 1: red list on anything. I didn't. I was just like,
Speaker 1: how exactly must I explain to your grandmother that you
Speaker 1: will be living with a man in Michigan. Alright, Ma,
Speaker 1: come on now, I said, first of all, it's not
Speaker 1: your place to have to say that to grandma. I
Speaker 1: can call grandma. Let grandma know, and chances of our
Speaker 1: grandma is gonna be on my side because grandma know
Speaker 1: who she raised food. Grandma got seven kids, so you
Speaker 1: know what it's like to get good. Dude. Listen, if
Speaker 1: I was putting it down when you have seven kids,
Speaker 1: you do put it down right there. Yeah, they actually
Speaker 1: had six kids. It will eight technically in two, but
Speaker 1: they was getting in. Actually, Grandma shout out to Grandma
Speaker 1: and she called me after I add Dakota and she's like, um, baby,
Speaker 1: I want to talk to you about something. And I
Speaker 1: don't know if your mother quite spoke to you as yet,
Speaker 1: but I am your grandmother and I love you and
Speaker 1: I have to this. I think you should give your
Speaker 1: body a break now, no more kids, No more kids,
Speaker 1: no more kids. I am speaking from experience. I said,
Speaker 1: all right, Grandma, I got you, I got you. You
Speaker 1: know serious when they put the age experience and she's like,
Speaker 1: if you're thinking about one more, at least give you
Speaker 1: a body at arrest. And I'm I don't worry, grandma,
Speaker 1: We're good to go over here. I can't give the
Speaker 1: body arrest because I'm getting old. Stum, my eggs are
Speaker 1: about to be scrambled. Okay, we missed her with covid
Speaker 1: robin for years. With your grandma, You've got to get
Speaker 1: down here soon. We love you, all right, Number two.
Speaker 1: Number two. I am twenty years old, a mother of
Speaker 1: four beautiful children, and I've been married for six years
Speaker 1: and with my husband for nine years. Nice. Life is
Speaker 1: precious and a blessing. But I am but a damn sure.
Speaker 1: You ain't easy. For a long time now, I've been
Speaker 1: trying to find my place, figure out me, find me,
Speaker 1: get to know me. Does that seem strange? No, not
Speaker 1: at all. I feel like everybody says they know me,
Speaker 1: and I don't even know myself. Interesting. I always say
Speaker 1: now that I've lost myself and my kids and in
Speaker 1: my husband. I give to all of them and feel
Speaker 1: guilty if I take any time for myself. You talk
Speaker 1: about that all the time. I don't even know how
Speaker 1: to take time for myself or where I would even start.
Speaker 1: I often think about vacations, but even then, when I
Speaker 1: see myself vacation and I feel myself, I see myself
Speaker 1: doing it with my husband. I mean, that's what you
Speaker 1: typically do with the life partner. But I mean if
Speaker 1: you have friends and stuff, you can do that as well.
Speaker 1: Trying to think where would he want to go, what
Speaker 1: would he want to do. I tend to go all
Speaker 1: out for him and my kids too, but when it
Speaker 1: comes to me, I don't, and no one else does either,
Speaker 1: see not that I tend to hold a lot in
Speaker 1: and I sometimes wish that my husband would just see
Speaker 1: right through my fake smiles and it and the act
Speaker 1: of happiness. That's what you can't do that. I mean,
Speaker 1: if he thinks you're happy, then yeah, Instead I think
Speaker 1: he sees it, but he's just absolutely quiet about it.
Speaker 1: He's not emotionally there for me, and he tell you
Speaker 1: he doesn't know how. Most story short, I'm there for everybody.
Speaker 1: I take care of everybody. I do everything for my
Speaker 1: household down to uplifting, motivating any courage in them. I've
Speaker 1: been there before. I'm a shoulder to lean on, but
Speaker 1: I don't get the same energy. I understand how you feel,
Speaker 1: except for my big sister, but she lives in Georgia
Speaker 1: and I live in Minnesota. I just need some advice.
Speaker 1: I need advice from another mother wife to another mother wife.
Speaker 1: How do you not forget you? Ps? I manifest sitting
Speaker 1: on that couch with you all one day and talking
Speaker 1: very real. Um, you can answer you and I'll give
Speaker 1: my two cents after. So what you're feeling, man, is
Speaker 1: not a mother wife thing like. That's a personality right,
Speaker 1: because in our house it was flipped right. I was
Speaker 1: the one who was pouring into everybody, pouring into everything
Speaker 1: and not thinking about myself. I only was focused on
Speaker 1: Cadine and focused on the kids. There were times where
Speaker 1: I used to tell Codeine that I didn't feel like
Speaker 1: it was reciprocated. Here's the difference between you and I, man.
Speaker 1: The difference between you and I is that you're putting
Speaker 1: on the face and saying everything so kay and expecting
Speaker 1: him to read your mind. You can't do that. I
Speaker 1: didn't put on a face and expect Codeine to read
Speaker 1: my mom. I would tell her exactly what I want
Speaker 1: and needed. And this is what happens. People tend to
Speaker 1: feel guilty about telling other people what they want and
Speaker 1: what they need because they feel like it's selfish. You
Speaker 1: are entitled to be selfish with your life because you
Speaker 1: will only have oneself. Right, You're married, so you choose
Speaker 1: to be of service to them all the time. So
Speaker 1: if you're of service to them all the time, you're
Speaker 1: entitled to be selfish at times and say, hey, babe,
Speaker 1: this is what I need. You'll be shocked what that
Speaker 1: person will do if they know it needs to be done.
Speaker 1: For example, I told he what I need and what
Speaker 1: I wanted. Did it happen right away? No? But here's
Speaker 1: also the truth, right, people typically resort to their factory
Speaker 1: reset button. Right once they get comfortable, they retort back
Speaker 1: to what just happens naturally. So if naturally right, So
Speaker 1: if naturally, if I've been taking the the brunt of
Speaker 1: everything on and supporting everyone, when people get comfortable, they
Speaker 1: just go back to that because that's what they normally do.
Speaker 1: Once you tell them that you need them to put
Speaker 1: a little bit more energy in one space. They'll do
Speaker 1: that while they're reminded of it, but it doesn't become
Speaker 1: second nature until they practice it over and over again.
Speaker 1: They say it takes a thousand muscle movements to become
Speaker 1: muscle memory. So telling somebody something one time doesn't mean
Speaker 1: they're gonna master it after one time. You have a
Speaker 1: responsibility to consistently tell him what he needs to do
Speaker 1: in order to assist and cater to you. And he
Speaker 1: has a responsibility as your husband, to follow through with
Speaker 1: that consistently. And the only way it's gonna happen is
Speaker 1: if you open your mouth. Yeah, you have to talk
Speaker 1: about it. Is instead of saying from one mom to another,
Speaker 1: of one wife to another, this is from one spouse
Speaker 1: and parent to another. Open your mouth and tell him
Speaker 1: what you need and what you want. Because I'm just
Speaker 1: like the mouth said. I had to be deliberate now
Speaker 1: once he was letting me know about the things that
Speaker 1: he needed, because I was also seeing that he was
Speaker 1: very in tune with the things that I needed, or
Speaker 1: kind of foresaw that maybe some days I was burnt out,
Speaker 1: or some days I need a little bit more help,
Speaker 1: or some things I needed a little time to myself
Speaker 1: just because of life, Like, I know what it's like,
Speaker 1: and we both know what it's like because we get
Speaker 1: caught up in the mundane of just like going, going,
Speaker 1: going every day. So I think it's very necessary for
Speaker 1: you to have the conversation with him and just say, babe, like,
Speaker 1: is it cool if we plan a trip together. I
Speaker 1: would love to try this. And that's also a great
Speaker 1: way to reconnect with your spouse. And then in terms
Speaker 1: of you trying to figure out who you are, it's
Speaker 1: super easy to just get lost in that because you
Speaker 1: don't even know what your life are anymore, your dislikes,
Speaker 1: you know, at this point, you're just doing whatever you
Speaker 1: have to do to stay afloat. Um. I don't know
Speaker 1: about many people that take vacations alone or a couple
Speaker 1: of friends that do. But even if you're on vacation
Speaker 1: with your husband and you leave him to sleep in
Speaker 1: for the morning, then you go out and do something
Speaker 1: for yourself, like we do that all the time, for example.
Speaker 1: And I think I got what she was saying about
Speaker 1: going on vacation. She says, when she goes on vacation,
Speaker 1: the first thing she thinks about is what or what
Speaker 1: he wants to do. Codeine plans all of our vacations,
Speaker 1: and in all of our vacation, she knows that there
Speaker 1: are certain things that I like and love to do.
Speaker 1: One of them mainly sleeping. So she knows that. So
Speaker 1: you know what Canine will do. She will plan during
Speaker 1: the times when I'm sleeping in she gonna go get
Speaker 1: her son because she knows that I don't like to
Speaker 1: bake out in the sun. She'll get up, it'll be
Speaker 1: seven o'clock, She's like, hey, baby, going out to get
Speaker 1: her coffee. She'll go sit on the beach for her
Speaker 1: hour or two hours, and then I'll come down there
Speaker 1: and join her around nine ten o'clock. But it's important
Speaker 1: for you to express this because we talked about the
Speaker 1: Superman complex. It's unfair to your spouse if you walk
Speaker 1: around with his face like you got everything and inside
Speaker 1: you're hurting. It's unfair to yourself, But it's also unfair
Speaker 1: to your spouse because you never gave them an opportunity
Speaker 1: to help you. I was guilty of that too, and
Speaker 1: the very beginning to have everything under control. I got it,
Speaker 1: I got it, I got it, and then be mad.
Speaker 1: What's the matter when you see me having all the
Speaker 1: trouble with the thing, and then you said you had it.
Speaker 1: How am I supposed to know? And that was more
Speaker 1: than equipped to assist you. Bro, like you gotta you
Speaker 1: gotta tag me and sometimes and you have to be
Speaker 1: tagged out. Yes, sometimes you gotta be tagged out. Yo.
Speaker 1: Maybe this is what it is. Codeine will come with
Speaker 1: the baby and be like, Bro, I'm going to take
Speaker 1: a nap. I'm like, all right, you're gonna go get
Speaker 1: her nails done, her feet though, going for a couple
Speaker 1: of hours. That's It's perfectly absolute, not selfish. Don't feel
Speaker 1: guilty of perusing the oils of Target is a form
Speaker 1: of self care. It's just what it is. You need
Speaker 1: a target sponsorship, my guy target? How that at me?
Speaker 1: All right? If you want to be featured y'all as
Speaker 1: one of our listener letters, email us. You should have
Speaker 1: the email address memorized by now. But if you don't,
Speaker 1: dead ass Advice at gmail dot com. That's d E
Speaker 1: A D A S S A d V I C
Speaker 1: E at gmail dot com. All right, moment of truth time.
Speaker 1: I want forgot what we were talking about today? Many
Speaker 1: things more. Truth is not simple. Social media is not real.
Speaker 1: Social media is not real and moment of truth, the
Speaker 1: media of social nous is not real. None of them
Speaker 1: are real. Twitter, Instagram, Facebook media which it is of
Speaker 1: social media, all of the media, not just one medium,
Speaker 1: all of them. Take it with a grain of salt.
Speaker 1: Don't compare yourself to it. Don't let your life revolve
Speaker 1: around it. Don't get let that just be your world.
Speaker 1: That's that's that's that's actually a great one. Don't let
Speaker 1: your timeline become your world. Who new? Don't you dare close?
Speaker 1: Your rise a new fantastic point of view. They want
Speaker 1: to tell us no where to go or say we're
Speaker 1: only dodre really, oh now, get back away from the mic.
Speaker 1: When you when you take, when you hold the note,
Speaker 1: you got to back away from it. Develop I like
Speaker 1: that song, but you know what would have been better
Speaker 1: if they were like, oh new, you want to talking
Speaker 1: to them? Yo? Follow us on social media, y'all. As
Speaker 1: we talked about social media, we don't want to. Don't
Speaker 1: you forget that's that part because we enjoy having you alone.
Speaker 1: If if we're a part of your world on social media, y'all,
Speaker 1: we appreciate you, we love you. We always say y'all
Speaker 1: are not just followers to us. You support us, you
Speaker 1: support our content, you support our messages, and we love
Speaker 1: you for that. So please continue to follow us if
Speaker 1: it works for your world. Dead as the Podcast I
Speaker 1: Am and I Am Devout, and if you're listening on
Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate, review, and rug with
Speaker 1: bumba as You're on your way to the moon. Oh.
Speaker 1: Dead as dead Ass is a production of I Heart
Speaker 1: Media podcast Network and is produced by Dinorapinia and Triple
Speaker 1: Follow the podcast on social media at dead as the
Speaker 1: Podcasts and never miss a Thing