Speaker 1: We're back. I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth and
Speaker 1: coming in September a new site we have built together
Speaker 1: called defect or Defector, and we're gonna have a new
Speaker 1: podcast to go with it. This very podcast which has
Speaker 1: the name The Distraction. It's out right now at available
Speaker 1: every rustic, your podcast at such a Spotify, Apple Go
Speaker 1: listen right now to The Distraction everywhere. It's out right now.
Speaker 1: Go listen to see By. Sometimes when dealing with toxic
Speaker 1: situations or toxic relationships, you kind of have to step
Speaker 1: back and wonder, am I the toxic one? Oh? Because
Speaker 1: I was thinking the same thing. The biggest thing I
Speaker 1: learned in my life is that sometimes I was actually
Speaker 1: the person being toxic. Look at you. We're on the
Speaker 1: same page today. This might be a good day, y'all
Speaker 1: deads Hey, I'm Cadeine and we're the Ellis. You may
Speaker 1: know us from posting funny videos without boys and reading
Speaker 1: each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I
Speaker 1: make you need derby most days. Wow. Oh and one
Speaker 1: more important thing to mention, we're married. Yes, so we are.
Speaker 1: We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of
Speaker 1: life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to
Speaker 1: talk about through the lens of a millennial married couple.
Speaker 1: Dead ass is a term that we say every day.
Speaker 1: When we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth,
Speaker 1: the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We're about
Speaker 1: to take phillows off to a whole new level. Dead
Speaker 1: ask starts now. I think about the time that you
Speaker 1: spend in a workplace. Usually you're on a shift for
Speaker 1: anywhere between like eight to nine hours. For the most part,
Speaker 1: I was working in an environment once that I felt
Speaker 1: like was dreaming and sucking the life out of me.
Speaker 1: And unlike my little confession in the very beginning, I
Speaker 1: don't believe I was a toxic person in this relationship.
Speaker 1: I feel like the toxicity around me was literally sucking
Speaker 1: me in and I had to take the high roadicity.
Speaker 1: Toxicity was sucking me in and I had to find
Speaker 1: an escape. Um. I was in an environment where I
Speaker 1: was pregnant with Jackson at the time, and I was
Speaker 1: under a lot of pressure just in terms of you know,
Speaker 1: being pregnant, but also it was retail environment. It was
Speaker 1: coming around the holiday season, so that in itself, anyone
Speaker 1: who really works retail knows that it's a very, very
Speaker 1: high stress situation. Ended up losing my manager at the time,
Speaker 1: and uh, a lot of the weight fell on my shoulders.
Speaker 1: And I was doing the best that I could with
Speaker 1: the staff of thirteen to make sure that they were
Speaker 1: happy in their workpace, because I thought that was necessary
Speaker 1: as a manager to make the environment as happy for
Speaker 1: them as possible amidst all the chaos. UM. And then
Speaker 1: I went off onto my maternity leave after I felt
Speaker 1: like I was kind of shoved out in a sense.
Speaker 1: UM went off on my maternity leave, and while on
Speaker 1: maternity leave, was hearing from other staff members that I
Speaker 1: was pretty much being thrown under the bus for things
Speaker 1: that had gone wrong. I mean, what other way to
Speaker 1: deal with issues than talking about the person who's not
Speaker 1: there at the time toxic, you know. UM. And that's
Speaker 1: not something I should have been worried about on my
Speaker 1: maternity leave, you know, dealing with my newborn baby postpartum,
Speaker 1: I should have been enjoying my time, not dealing with
Speaker 1: work situations. So you know what I did, I went
Speaker 1: back to work after my leave was over, guns blazing, blazing.
Speaker 1: I had everything lined up, every email, every conversation. I
Speaker 1: brought everybody into the room who had something to say,
Speaker 1: and I said, you know what, y'all, let's let it
Speaker 1: rip with everybody in the same room at the same
Speaker 1: time so we can get down to the bottom of this.
Speaker 1: And Cadeine, being the scapegoat, was no more and I
Speaker 1: was able to, you know, plead my case, chuck the deuces,
Speaker 1: and I was gone out of that toxic relationship because
Speaker 1: I did not deserve that and it was not necessary
Speaker 1: for a work environment. You know, how you get rid
Speaker 1: of toxic a city? How do you do that? Receipts all,
Speaker 1: make sure you pull up the receipts. Another one, go toxic?
Speaker 1: Where did you say? You heard this song played at?
Speaker 1: And it was the most hilarious scenario at a wedding.
Speaker 1: Wedding the bride came down the aisle to another one,
Speaker 1: bites dust? What marriage was? It? Was it her fourth? Fifth?
Speaker 1: I think it was a fifth marriage. Marriage at this point,
Speaker 1: it was just funny to her and everyone. So she
Speaker 1: came down the aisle to another one by dust, mad funny.
Speaker 1: That's hilarious, that's hilarious. Oh my goodness. So what's up, y'all?
Speaker 1: What are we talking? About this week, what's been happening.
Speaker 1: We're talking about toxic relationships and toxic people. I instantly
Speaker 1: just just made me feel heavy, like I had to
Speaker 1: kind of just like, oh, crab legs last night. Don't
Speaker 1: try to put me on black. I've been carbs cycling.
Speaker 1: Okay cars, it's cycling, so it's not like all the time.
Speaker 1: So you eat your cards while I want to bite.
Speaker 1: That was such a dad joke. It was such a
Speaker 1: dad it was, but I couldn't let it pass. So
Speaker 1: let's start with this. I think it's important for us
Speaker 1: to define what a toxic relationship is and how to
Speaker 1: identify toxic folks in your life. Miss Lilian Glass, well,
Speaker 1: Doctor Lilian Glass, I should say, in her book Toxic People,
Speaker 1: defines a toxic relationship as and I quote, any relationship
Speaker 1: between people who don't support each other, where there's conflict
Speaker 1: and one seeks to undermine the other, where there's competition,
Speaker 1: and where there's disrespect and a lack of cohesiveness. But
Speaker 1: I don't I don't completely agree with that. Like competition,
Speaker 1: to me, is not toxic. That to me, has been
Speaker 1: very helpful in my life being in the sports arena
Speaker 1: because I was competitive. Take Marcus Colston from me example, right, Okay,
Speaker 1: Me and Marcus came into Haustra. He was a year
Speaker 1: ahead of me. When I first got the I was like, Yo,
Speaker 1: I'm going to be better than you. I'm competitive. To him,
Speaker 1: I said, I'm coming for your job, and he laughed, like,
Speaker 1: but then he's competitive. So he pushed himself to not
Speaker 1: let me be better than him, and I pushed to
Speaker 1: be better than him. And that competition was healthy in
Speaker 1: our relationship because not only did we push each other,
Speaker 1: you know saying, but we also encouraged each other. You
Speaker 1: see what I'm saying. So I don't know if competition
Speaker 1: is always toxic. No, not always, because I for as
Speaker 1: to play Devil's advocate. I can think it could be
Speaker 1: unhealthy if say, you were to do this to somebody
Speaker 1: who didn't have the self esteem or have the confidence
Speaker 1: that Marcus had. You know, you, maybe somebody may take
Speaker 1: that as you kind of um, you know, weighing down
Speaker 1: on them, or you trying to be arrogant, knowing especially
Speaker 1: in the sports world and athletics and just professional sports,
Speaker 1: that that tends to work for some people. You talk
Speaker 1: ship and you know that scene as something that can
Speaker 1: be uplifting in a sense. It gives you that rage
Speaker 1: and that that energy to just say, you know what,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna just blow through this guy and take his
Speaker 1: job for real, for real, where as somebody, on the
Speaker 1: other hand, may not see it that way. They may
Speaker 1: see it as you picking on them. Yeah, well, I
Speaker 1: mean that person is a punk. But I just know,
Speaker 1: I'm serious. I feel like competition is healthy. I just
Speaker 1: but I think you know, we're talking particularly about relationships
Speaker 1: where consistently it's unpleasant, you know, and it's draining for
Speaker 1: people to be in it to the point that negative
Speaker 1: moments outweigh the number of positive ones, right, And I
Speaker 1: think that's where why it's important for us to define
Speaker 1: what exactly is toxic. What's toxic about it is undermining
Speaker 1: or undercutting the people in those relationships, you know, like
Speaker 1: manipulation on when you don't want to compromise, you know,
Speaker 1: like that can become toxic. No, it can be toxic,
Speaker 1: it can be draining. And I think about um toxicity
Speaker 1: and people and as it relates to even just say
Speaker 1: family members per se or just even say family members
Speaker 1: are not even a part of it, just anyone what's
Speaker 1: the root of that is usually with unhappiness in the
Speaker 1: person that starts, and then they're now spewing this onto
Speaker 1: other people and trying to take them out with them,
Speaker 1: and it's usually harder to get away from if you're
Speaker 1: in a family relationship. You know, UM, I told you
Speaker 1: about my story with Mac and how I felt like
Speaker 1: that was a toxic situation that I was in. UM,
Speaker 1: do you have any toxic situations that you feel like
Speaker 1: you've been in yourself? So I can tell you by
Speaker 1: the time where I was being toxic and didn't even
Speaker 1: realize you were I was. I was being toxic. Didn't
Speaker 1: realize that I was being toxic until after the fact, right,
Speaker 1: And it came once we retired. And you know, once
Speaker 1: I retired from the NFL, I was not happy about
Speaker 1: where I was in my life. I was I felt
Speaker 1: like I had lost everything. I was lost in the world,
Speaker 1: didn't know where to go. At this next point, I
Speaker 1: knew I wanted to act and do TV film, but
Speaker 1: I just didn't know how to get there. So in
Speaker 1: my mind, the world was so daunting that when I
Speaker 1: was giving advice to people, rather than giving them empowering
Speaker 1: advice on how great things can be, I was in
Speaker 1: turn giving them projecting what I was feeling about how
Speaker 1: the world was. That's funny because I don't I don't
Speaker 1: even foresee that with you, because just knowing the type
Speaker 1: of individual that you are having your mentorship program looking
Speaker 1: you know, like always looking to empower people. I can't
Speaker 1: even recall a moment when that I didn't do anything
Speaker 1: unlike you. I didn't it on purpose. I didn't do
Speaker 1: it with malice, But that doesn't mean that I wasn't
Speaker 1: being toxic. I remember at points when people are asking me, Hey, Deval,
Speaker 1: what do you think about this? And I was saying, well,
Speaker 1: you want to be safe because you never know how
Speaker 1: this and that you never know, so you might not
Speaker 1: want to do that. You might want to just you known,
Speaker 1: settle here and do this because it's comfortable, because that's
Speaker 1: how I felt in the moment after losing everything. So
Speaker 1: you aren't necessarily toxic with an ill will to not
Speaker 1: see this person succeed you just from your experience, was saying,
Speaker 1: you know what, it didn't work for me in this circumstance,
Speaker 1: so it may not work for you, right, but it was,
Speaker 1: but it was still toxic. Nonetheless, telling somebody not to
Speaker 1: change their dream and not go after what they want.
Speaker 1: Because I didn't get what I wanted. I wasn't where
Speaker 1: I wanted to be at the time. It's still toxic.
Speaker 1: Regardless of whether my intent was toxic, just spewing that
Speaker 1: type of negativity or not encouraging someone to do or
Speaker 1: go after what they want was toxic. You see what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. And I think a lot of people need
Speaker 1: to recognize how they're being toxic in their own relationships
Speaker 1: and not always looking for other people's toxicity, but noticed
Speaker 1: that you may have some toxic moments in your life,
Speaker 1: because that may be the only one I can think
Speaker 1: of right now, But I'm pretty sure there were other
Speaker 1: times in my life where I was being toxic and
Speaker 1: didn't realize it, right because I wasn't trying to be toxic.
Speaker 1: But that doesn't mean I was being I wasn't me
Speaker 1: a toxic, right I guess I could kind of relate
Speaker 1: to that in the sense I think about when you
Speaker 1: had retired from the league and we moved back to
Speaker 1: Brooklyn and we were just kind of rebuilding our life,
Speaker 1: you know, and we had other friends and and people
Speaker 1: that we know that we're still in the league, and
Speaker 1: doing well and thriving at the time. And though I
Speaker 1: wasn't happy with the situation we were in at the time,
Speaker 1: I feel like I never wished ill on them, though
Speaker 1: I can't say honestly that I didn't have moments of
Speaker 1: like a little envy, like, oh my god, why us,
Speaker 1: why did this have to happen to us? So why
Speaker 1: couldn't things go differently for us? And now looking back
Speaker 1: on it, I can say, well, that was just a
Speaker 1: test for us, you know, going through those trials and tribulations,
Speaker 1: for lack of a better word, like that really made
Speaker 1: us who we are now in this moment. So I
Speaker 1: think there's a special characteristic in someone who can be
Speaker 1: able to say, you know what, I'm not gonna wish
Speaker 1: bad on this person. But at the same time too,
Speaker 1: I just know I'm not happy within myself, so I
Speaker 1: can then in turn remove myself from that. It's funny
Speaker 1: people always ask how do you avoid toxic situations? Realistically, Um,
Speaker 1: it's impossible to completely avoid. What I would say to
Speaker 1: do is to recognize first when you're in a toxic situation.
Speaker 1: Once you've recognized, you know how to maneuver around it.
Speaker 1: But you can't just avoid. Like you can't see a
Speaker 1: toxic situation coming until it actually happened. I'm it doesn't
Speaker 1: like yeah, it doesn't walk around with a yeah like
Speaker 1: the cartoons back in the day you would see like
Speaker 1: the green fingers coming where it's like older. It's like, oh,
Speaker 1: here's the toxic situation that that doesn't happen in life.
Speaker 1: But you have to recognize when it's toxic. Actually, I
Speaker 1: was recently brought into a toxic situation where I honestly
Speaker 1: had nothing to do with the toxic with the situation. However,
Speaker 1: by way of default, I was kind of brought into it.
Speaker 1: And it was one of those things where I could
Speaker 1: have thrown myself into the mixed more and call this
Speaker 1: one and call that one and all that. And I
Speaker 1: was like, you know what, Lord, this is above me,
Speaker 1: Like I could think this situation has nothing to do
Speaker 1: with me. Those some people who I care about are
Speaker 1: invested in the situation and maybe up to them to
Speaker 1: figure that out. And I'm gonna move the way I'm
Speaker 1: gonna move outside over here. That's the most important thing.
Speaker 1: First recognize that you're in a toxic situation right then
Speaker 1: to maneuver around it. Absolutely, you cannot turn the toxic
Speaker 1: situation into a non toxic situation. You can only remove
Speaker 1: yourself absolutely, so that I hit him with the SpongeBob
Speaker 1: me all right, I'm a head out because y' head
Speaker 1: out because at this point it had absolutely nothing to
Speaker 1: do with me. And sometimes you gotta do it. Sometimes
Speaker 1: you gotta let things go. That's why we went with
Speaker 1: another one bites it does. But I know everyone want
Speaker 1: to know how do we come to this topic and
Speaker 1: what prompted this discussion. Realistically, as a millennial married couple,
Speaker 1: you find out in life that sometimes you have to
Speaker 1: let other relationships go, other friendships go, because everybody's not
Speaker 1: in alignment with what you're trying to you as a
Speaker 1: married couple. You may have single friends, your wife may
Speaker 1: have single friends, and you may have other married couples
Speaker 1: who you have to let them go because they're the
Speaker 1: toxic nous in their toxicity, the toxicity right now in
Speaker 1: their relationship may come over into your relationships. So that's
Speaker 1: how we got to this point. Absolutely. I mean, you're
Speaker 1: talking about the things we talked about today. I'm hoping
Speaker 1: that you guys can take away just things that you
Speaker 1: can apply to your relationships. Whether it be you know again,
Speaker 1: not just married couples, but you know, romantic relationships, um
Speaker 1: family relationships. You know, well hopefullill they just set some
Speaker 1: light and some things and talk through some things based
Speaker 1: on our own experiences and stuff. So and I would
Speaker 1: like to read a quote from Dr Shina Ali. Toxic
Speaker 1: friends may be inconsiderate, pushy, and overly needy. These are
Speaker 1: the friends whose text you dread answering because they demand
Speaker 1: too much of your time. Toxic friends may make microaggressive
Speaker 1: comments without realizing they're being hurtful and abusive friendships the
Speaker 1: behavior intense of fiens. Yes, that's health clinician. So this
Speaker 1: leads me to a very funny movie, one of my
Speaker 1: favorite movies of all time, Why Did I Get Married?
Speaker 1: There's a scene, there's a scene in the movie which
Speaker 1: is like the apex with the climax movie where everyone
Speaker 1: is sitting at the table, and at the table, slowly
Speaker 1: but surely people start to you know, reveal things they
Speaker 1: know about other people's marriages, and it leads to a
Speaker 1: huge fight in an argument amongst all friends, right, which
Speaker 1: to me, it's funny because all friends have those moments
Speaker 1: and everyone participates in those moments, and I'm gonna tell
Speaker 1: you why, and I'm gonna tell you how it happens
Speaker 1: mutual friends. This is exactly how it happens. And people
Speaker 1: never want to admit to this, but this is exactly
Speaker 1: what happens. Me and you meet with another married couple
Speaker 1: and we have uh, maybe about six married friends. Right,
Speaker 1: We get together and whichever friend is not in the room,
Speaker 1: the first thing we ask is how is so and
Speaker 1: so doing? Right? When the last time you spoke to
Speaker 1: so and so? Right? So, once you start asking when
Speaker 1: when was the last time you spoke to so and so?
Speaker 1: How is so and so doing? You start to discuss
Speaker 1: so and so. Then you have a discussion about so
Speaker 1: and so. One of the friends end up meeting so
Speaker 1: and so before the other friend, and the first thing
Speaker 1: they asked was when the last time did you speak? So?
Speaker 1: Then y'all speak to so and so about what y'all
Speaker 1: previously spoke about. And then someone so says, oh, so,
Speaker 1: y'all be talking about me when I'm not around. This
Speaker 1: happens in all friendships, and it starts in grade school.
Speaker 1: It starts in grade school. And what happens is people
Speaker 1: don't realize how toxic that can become when you're not
Speaker 1: willing to say to your friend what you said about
Speaker 1: them when they're not around, and that's what happens. That's
Speaker 1: when things be come toxic, because that's what happened at work, right. Well,
Speaker 1: I mean, and do you think it's the thing where
Speaker 1: it's necessarily malicious things? Because sometimes it's not even things
Speaker 1: that are bad per se, it's just the fact that
Speaker 1: the conversation was had, and it's like, well, would you
Speaker 1: say that to your friend to their face? Well, this,
Speaker 1: this is one thing that I've noticed, right, A lot
Speaker 1: of times people give their opinions on other people's relationships
Speaker 1: to other friends, and it's like, if you're willing to
Speaker 1: give your opinion about my relationship to someone else, why
Speaker 1: aren't you willing to give that opinion to me. That's
Speaker 1: when it becomes a real friend. If you're really a friend,
Speaker 1: you should be able to give that opinion to me directly,
Speaker 1: And that's when it becomes toxic. So you're willing to
Speaker 1: tell everybody else what you think about me and my relationship,
Speaker 1: but you won't tell me. And when you see me,
Speaker 1: you you just shower me with compliments and tell me
Speaker 1: how perfect. You think I am right. That's not a
Speaker 1: good friend. That's about to say? Is that a friend? Friend?
Speaker 1: But I don't know if that's a friend. I found
Speaker 1: in this day and age, we really don't know how
Speaker 1: to be truly friends because the minute you disagree with somebody,
Speaker 1: the first thing they say is, oh, you a hater.
Speaker 1: You The truth of the matter is just because somebody
Speaker 1: disagrees with you, right, it don't mean they're right. That
Speaker 1: doesn't mean they're a hater. Absolutely. I mean people are
Speaker 1: entited of their opinion. They may just really be offering
Speaker 1: you some constructives criticism. And then at that point you
Speaker 1: hadn't have to self reflect now and be like, man,
Speaker 1: is there any truth to what they say? And this
Speaker 1: is not something that you take from anyone. It has
Speaker 1: to be someone who you value their opinion. If this
Speaker 1: person is someone that you call a friend, and they
Speaker 1: can gain that title from you, because I would say
Speaker 1: that your friend is someone you think highly of, for
Speaker 1: someone that you enjoy being around. And if that's the case,
Speaker 1: you might want to self reflect and to say maybe
Speaker 1: they there's like the truth to what they're saying. Absolutely,
Speaker 1: you know? Um? And Unluckily I feel like with us.
Speaker 1: We have a handful of solid friends that you know
Speaker 1: whenever things are going on, or if we ever need
Speaker 1: to support or when you feedback. These are that solid
Speaker 1: group of people that you feel comfortable with speaking to
Speaker 1: because you know it's coming from a good place. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean a lot of times, I don't think it
Speaker 1: ever comes from a bad place. But what happens is
Speaker 1: is we're conditioned now to only want to hear good
Speaker 1: things about ourselves. So the minute you hear something bad,
Speaker 1: you start to question if this person is on your side.
Speaker 1: The seeking validation thing. Seeking lives on Instagram things like that.
Speaker 1: It kind of like funnels off into different areas of life, right.
Speaker 1: So conversely, you don't want to offend your friend, so
Speaker 1: you you know what, I'm not going to tell them
Speaker 1: because it really is in my business. So you get
Speaker 1: in this cycle of always throwing compliments and not really
Speaker 1: being honest and and and I see that a lot,
Speaker 1: Like a lot of the friends that I have now
Speaker 1: I've gotten two huge arguments with because they've said things
Speaker 1: about me or to me that at the time I
Speaker 1: didn't like. But I'm still friends with them because they
Speaker 1: were being honestly. And I still funk with them, you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. So we can even you can
Speaker 1: tell me something and we can disagree, and we can arguing,
Speaker 1: debate a debate yet, but one thing is that I
Speaker 1: know is that that person got my back, right, you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. I have friends like that. I
Speaker 1: have I have friends that we don't get along with everything.
Speaker 1: We argue all the time, but I love them because
Speaker 1: they'll be honest and you'll tell me like, I don't know,
Speaker 1: I don't know about that. I mean. And then there's
Speaker 1: people who you outgrow over time. And you think about
Speaker 1: people who you've known. I mean, I've known you for
Speaker 1: seventeen years, and I've seen people kind of you know,
Speaker 1: who are there in the beginning or not here anymore,
Speaker 1: and you tend to outgrow people. Um, So how do
Speaker 1: you know, like when when it's worth working on a relationship,
Speaker 1: do you believe that people just outgrow each other or
Speaker 1: they can kind of grow together sometimes? You know, sometimes
Speaker 1: you don't realize that you're in a toxic relationship until
Speaker 1: you're open to to seeing how people move. Right. I
Speaker 1: think about um, when I think of relationships in general,
Speaker 1: I think about the level of care that goes into
Speaker 1: a relationship. How much do I care about this person?
Speaker 1: How much do I care to work on this relationship,
Speaker 1: how much do I care to let this go? How
Speaker 1: will I be affected if I let go of this relationship?
Speaker 1: And when I think of out the level of care
Speaker 1: that goes into these relationships, my work environment, the story
Speaker 1: I told, it was easy for me to just walk
Speaker 1: away from that. Though I cared about my job and
Speaker 1: my career and my profession, at the time, I cared
Speaker 1: more about my name and I didn't care as much
Speaker 1: about the people who I knew were being manipulative in
Speaker 1: the background. So it was easy for me to kind
Speaker 1: of severtise and walk away and say, you know what,
Speaker 1: I can get another job somewhere else, put in my
Speaker 1: two weeks and transfer to a different location. Easy. I
Speaker 1: think about the romantic relationships, though feelings get involved and
Speaker 1: it's like, damn, I care about this person so much,
Speaker 1: but I can't continue to let this happen. Or I
Speaker 1: do you think about the friends, which is similar to
Speaker 1: a relationship, because those are again chosen relationships that you have.
Speaker 1: You know, the autonomy over to say, you know what,
Speaker 1: I'm going to infuse myself into this relationship or not.
Speaker 1: Then you have family, and then you have family and
Speaker 1: the level of cares there usually because that's a family
Speaker 1: member and you feel like I should care about my
Speaker 1: family member. But at the same time, too, somebody's family
Speaker 1: members could really just suck you over because some people
Speaker 1: ain't ship. It doesn't matter if you got the same
Speaker 1: blood bro Like, if you ain't ship, you ain't ship.
Speaker 1: It's crazy because I think about, even just now as
Speaker 1: an adult, looking back on just people in my family,
Speaker 1: um like aunts and uncles, cousins, people who at the
Speaker 1: time I looked up to and was like WHOA, Like
Speaker 1: they can do no wrong? They can you know, Like
Speaker 1: this is like, oh, you almost idolize these people because
Speaker 1: you can't wait to grow up to be like them.
Speaker 1: And then you grow up to being an adult and
Speaker 1: you realize they have some really ancient waits about them
Speaker 1: and yes they're toxic and they're just human beings at
Speaker 1: the end of the day. This this is what I
Speaker 1: realized about that in those situations, right, you're always going
Speaker 1: to have people and everybody has a level of toxicity
Speaker 1: in them, everybody, myself included. I remember I can recall
Speaker 1: times where I was being toxic. Didn't even realize that
Speaker 1: I was being toxic until afterwards. I was like, damn,
Speaker 1: I should have never did that. But you can tell
Speaker 1: when people are genuine, and a lot of times toxicity
Speaker 1: comes from people having their own insecurities and their own
Speaker 1: unhappiness about where they are in life. When you look
Speaker 1: at your friends, or your family, or your significant others
Speaker 1: and you see someone who is just unhappy all the
Speaker 1: time and they're making moves in an unhappy way, more
Speaker 1: than likely they're being toxic. Happy people are not toxic
Speaker 1: because they're happy, content with where they may be their
Speaker 1: life at that point in time. Exactly. There's a lot
Speaker 1: of people in the world who exist in that space
Speaker 1: because they don't know how to find happiness. So misery
Speaker 1: loves company. When people don't know how to find happiness,
Speaker 1: they just want to make everybody else miserable so they
Speaker 1: can find a way to coexist with all these people
Speaker 1: who seem to have found their version of happiness. Now,
Speaker 1: what I found out in my life is that since
Speaker 1: everyone has a level of toxicity, even yourself, you have
Speaker 1: to measure who provides value in your life. If someone
Speaker 1: provides a level of toxicity in your life, sometimes for
Speaker 1: the majority of the time, they're they're filling you up
Speaker 1: with joy and excitement, and they're giving things, and they're
Speaker 1: happy for you, and they're allowing you to grow. You
Speaker 1: can get past certain toxic things that they do, because
Speaker 1: no one is perfect. But when the toxicity outweighs the happiness,
Speaker 1: you got to let those people go because that's gonna
Speaker 1: weigh on you. Like you, You're gonna start to feel
Speaker 1: unhappy and even like why am I like this? It's
Speaker 1: the people around you unloading anything on you. Absolutely, It's
Speaker 1: the same thing with relationships. People always want to say,
Speaker 1: oh I love this person. You cannot love a toxic person.
Speaker 1: A toxic person will bring you down, especially if you
Speaker 1: choose this as your life partner. Their toxicity becomes your
Speaker 1: toxicity and you can't grow that way and you take Yeah,
Speaker 1: it totally takes away from everything. Um, it's draining. It's
Speaker 1: a really draining situation to be in, you know. My
Speaker 1: very my confesition in the beginning was like, you know,
Speaker 1: canan You've probably been toxic yourself in different relationships, you know,
Speaker 1: throughout the span of your life. And I can probably
Speaker 1: admit that too, because there's been times when I haven't
Speaker 1: been unhappy with my situation or happy with my space,
Speaker 1: and that, although it may not have been consciously, I
Speaker 1: may have been unloading that onto someone else in my memory.
Speaker 1: I do I feel like, you know, when I after
Speaker 1: I had Cairo and Kaz back to back, um, I
Speaker 1: was in a space where I felt super unhappy. I
Speaker 1: think part of it was a little postpartum, and then
Speaker 1: some of it was kind of like, oh what was me? Like?
Speaker 1: I just had two back to big babies and everybody
Speaker 1: should understand why I feel the way I feel, even
Speaker 1: though I don't really know why I feel the way
Speaker 1: I feel, And I was waiting for everyone to kind
Speaker 1: of help me unpack that, and in turn, I know
Speaker 1: you had to look at me a couple of times
Speaker 1: and be like, YEA, why are you talking to your
Speaker 1: mom like that? Or like why are you talking to
Speaker 1: your sister like that? Like they're here to help you,
Speaker 1: but instead you're like barking orders at people, and you're
Speaker 1: not being mindful of how you sound when you say
Speaker 1: things to people who are here trying to legitimately help you.
Speaker 1: And I didn't realize how toxic I was being in
Speaker 1: that circumstance because I didn't see it because I was
Speaker 1: so wrapped up and involved and like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: I can't believe I have all this stuff going on,
Speaker 1: and I'm so overwhelmed and I'm so over um that
Speaker 1: I wasn't even looking at the good that people were
Speaker 1: trying to provide me in that space, And how a
Speaker 1: simple gesture to just smile and say thank you and
Speaker 1: be nice or to ask nicely for certain things could
Speaker 1: have gotten everybody so much farther along and made the
Speaker 1: space that much more of a healthy environment. So I
Speaker 1: know for sure that was a time when I was
Speaker 1: just being super toxic. And then for a second, even
Speaker 1: in that work environment, I felt like I was coming
Speaker 1: to that because then I got kind of petty before
Speaker 1: I left for my maternity leave. You know, I was
Speaker 1: getting petty, like, well, you know, I'm not gonna do
Speaker 1: xbo z because she didn't do it, and you know
Speaker 1: she's gonna feel it if I don't do this. And
Speaker 1: that's funny you say that, though, because you know why
Speaker 1: things are considered toxic because toxic things spread. Yeah, you know,
Speaker 1: toxic things don't contain themselves. Toxics contagious else and it
Speaker 1: touches something else and it grows and it grows so right,
Speaker 1: I can see how you can become toxic right, No,
Speaker 1: absolutely so, like in that work environment. And then I
Speaker 1: think what hurt me more was that when you had
Speaker 1: to say that, Katine, you were being super just nasty.
Speaker 1: You're being a mean girl two people who are legitimately
Speaker 1: like trying to help you and love of you. And
Speaker 1: that made me super upset. Like I remember crying about
Speaker 1: it because I was that's not what I intended, and
Speaker 1: even though that wasn't my intent, how it was received
Speaker 1: was something that I needed to be mindful of. And
Speaker 1: after that, I was like, wow, I have to really
Speaker 1: just be you know, be cognizant of the fact that
Speaker 1: people are here to help and this is a situation
Speaker 1: that should be joyful. It's it's post baby, and everyone
Speaker 1: should be coming around to help and they want to
Speaker 1: be here to help. But instead I was pushing people away,
Speaker 1: you included by just not being a nice person. You know,
Speaker 1: It's funny because we you know, once again at the
Speaker 1: nfl p A Couples events, they were talking about how
Speaker 1: do you get rid of toxic behavior? Right? Toxic behavior
Speaker 1: starts with toxic thoughts, right when you have toxic thoughts?
Speaker 1: How do you get rid of toxic thoughts? And then
Speaker 1: he was saying, I forgot this. I forgot this young
Speaker 1: man's name. His name was Anthony Anthony. It was Anthony
Speaker 1: Anthony had said something that rings so true. Right when
Speaker 1: you trying to think about something, they tell you to
Speaker 1: think about something else. So he was like, count to
Speaker 1: ten in your head. Say you go to counter tenor
Speaker 1: your head go to count ten. And then he was like,
Speaker 1: all right, say your A, B c's. So you're like,
Speaker 1: I don't get it. So he's like counting to in
Speaker 1: your head. Okay, now say ABC is out loud, So
Speaker 1: I have to say my ABC is out loud. And
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, I get it. The only way
Speaker 1: I could stop counting in my head was by saying
Speaker 1: it out loud. It stopped the thoughts. So, if you're
Speaker 1: having negative thoughts, if you speak positive thoughts, that's what
Speaker 1: they talk about words of affirmation and speaking things, speak
Speaker 1: positive thoughts. It allows your brain to stop focusing on
Speaker 1: negative And that is so true. That's how we can
Speaker 1: break free in these toxic from these toxics really pretty
Speaker 1: much literally, and it starts with yourself. The only way
Speaker 1: you can break free from toxicity is knowing that you're toxic,
Speaker 1: to finding out how you're toxic. You realizing that you're toxic,
Speaker 1: breaking yourself free in toxicity, then you'll be able to
Speaker 1: see who around you is being toxic. And it starts
Speaker 1: with words of affirmation, waking up in the morning and
Speaker 1: saying stuff like there was a point in my life
Speaker 1: where I remember I wrote the mission statement, and this
Speaker 1: when I was lost. When I was lost in my life,
Speaker 1: just retired, dealing with pain, addiction, trying to figure out
Speaker 1: how to get into the TV film and build a business.
Speaker 1: I used to wake up in the morning, go into
Speaker 1: the bathroom and say, each day I work to build
Speaker 1: a legacy, not to be defined by my greatness, but
Speaker 1: by the masses I inspired to be greater than myself.
Speaker 1: I said that every single day for about two years,
Speaker 1: and anytime I get lost now I say that because
Speaker 1: that's my purpose. So that's about to say, what does
Speaker 1: that do for you? Saying and allowed? It just kind
Speaker 1: of reiterates what your purposes and why you're doing what
Speaker 1: you do, and what it does is deflect from what's
Speaker 1: going on. Sometimes you wake up with bad thoughts like
Speaker 1: there were times I used to wake up and I'm like,
Speaker 1: I don't know if I should do TV. And I'm
Speaker 1: never going to be an actor. I'm never gonna make
Speaker 1: enough money to support my wife. I'm never going And
Speaker 1: then all these thoughts start to come and come and come,
Speaker 1: and as there were times when I used to go
Speaker 1: into bathroom and just locked the doing, You'd be like,
Speaker 1: value okay, and I'm like yeah, and then I've been
Speaker 1: there thirty minutes, forty minutes, and even this morning, I
Speaker 1: was like, what you're taking the ship of your life?
Speaker 1: What are you doing? Get out? Sometimes I'm in there
Speaker 1: preparing myself for the day and I cannot start my
Speaker 1: day or being negative. That was like this morning. That
Speaker 1: was this morning. I had to ask you if your
Speaker 1: flush first though, because it was coming. It was coming
Speaker 1: out there. It was toxic, it was it wasn't coming
Speaker 1: out this morning. I was like that, are you okay?
Speaker 1: It couldn't have been me. I'm vegan, Now what does
Speaker 1: that have to do with anything? And you're such a lie.
Speaker 1: You're not vegan. Y'all already know, and now you know
Speaker 1: he ain't. I'm coming up with a your camera for that.
Speaker 1: He sure ain't I'm vegan, he shared, ain't vegans poop?
Speaker 1: Don't stink because all I eat leaves and flowers. Because
Speaker 1: I don't want to be toxic. You don't want to
Speaker 1: be toxic. Let me, let me tell you some examples
Speaker 1: of how you can break from toxic relationships and toxic booty.
Speaker 1: Tell people how you really feel. Back to honesty, respect
Speaker 1: your feelings, and make your mental health a priority. Hello,
Speaker 1: that's exactly what you just said. You can get a priority,
Speaker 1: whether it's affirmations, whether it's meditating, whether it's praying, whatever
Speaker 1: you find that can censure yourself. I'm listening. Why not listening?
Speaker 1: Speak from your place of truth? That's that's yeah, that
Speaker 1: feels good. Set an honor. Your boundary. Boundaries are so important.
Speaker 1: We didn't even touch on boundaries when it comes to
Speaker 1: because we can do a whole episode on boundaries. Don't
Speaker 1: doubt the boundaries that you've set. If they can't respect
Speaker 1: your boundaries, they can't respect you. You know why. That's important?
Speaker 1: I just wanna stop. That's important because people often ask
Speaker 1: this question, should I feel a way about this? That's
Speaker 1: not even a question. If something somebody does to you
Speaker 1: make you feel a way, then you feel a way
Speaker 1: about it, like, that's just the way it is. No
Speaker 1: one can tell you how you're supposed to feel. And
Speaker 1: if you're asking me, should I feel a way? Chances
Speaker 1: are you do feel already feel a way, And there's
Speaker 1: nothing wrong with feeling in a way. But what you
Speaker 1: do with that feeling is then on you if you
Speaker 1: express it to them. If you express that you feel
Speaker 1: a way about this, and now you give them a
Speaker 1: choice to stop making you feel that way, then you
Speaker 1: know if you have a true friend or not. If
Speaker 1: they're just like would you feel that's not a true friend?
Speaker 1: That person toxic and you need to move on. And
Speaker 1: that brings me to my life's point. Leave the relationship.
Speaker 1: Sometimes you just have to know when to walk away.
Speaker 1: No relationship is worth making you feel bad about yourself.
Speaker 1: If the person isn't willing to hold themselves accountable or
Speaker 1: take positive action to improve the relationship, It is not
Speaker 1: on you to mend things. We'll be trying to fix
Speaker 1: everybody life. Sometimes that's that's true, But I would say this,
Speaker 1: it's not on you alone to mend things. It's on
Speaker 1: you together, because it's not on them alone to mend things.
Speaker 1: Neither however, but it has to be willing to be mended.
Speaker 1: Your control of you. Yes, you are on control of you,
Speaker 1: not them, so you know. And and the thing is,
Speaker 1: there's a power in setting boundaries, being honest and speaking
Speaker 1: your truth. This is who I am, period, this is
Speaker 1: who I am. I'm allowing you to see who I
Speaker 1: am in my whole self. If you make a choice
Speaker 1: to be around me, then that's your choice. Don't expect
Speaker 1: me to behave any differently because you can make a
Speaker 1: choice to not be around and then I have a
Speaker 1: choice to accept you being around me or not, yes,
Speaker 1: vice versa. Isn't that what happened? Yo? I swear, I
Speaker 1: swear everything. When I turned thirty is when I had
Speaker 1: a reawakening of life. And so they could deem I
Speaker 1: but whatever, just for the sake of this hypothetically hypothetical today.
Speaker 1: But then I go back to when the podcast over.
Speaker 1: So when I hypothetically turned thirty, I had an awakening
Speaker 1: on life that I was no longer going to live
Speaker 1: the way people wanted me to live or the way
Speaker 1: I thought people wanted me to live. I just said,
Speaker 1: fuck it, I'm gonna be me, and I wanted to
Speaker 1: do that with you because I wanted to just be
Speaker 1: myself around my wife, because I felt like both of
Speaker 1: our behavior was becoming very toxic. We were both being
Speaker 1: very petty. We were doing things to to ourselves on
Speaker 1: to each other on purpose to try to nit pick
Speaker 1: and get at each other. So I said, you know what,
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna start being me. If she fun with me,
Speaker 1: she fun with me. If not, that we're gonna have
Speaker 1: to make decisions and whether we want to be together
Speaker 1: or not. Relations title to grow and they're entitles to
Speaker 1: change and what the true test is if you can
Speaker 1: grow and change together through this and um and yeah.
Speaker 1: So once de Vel kind of presented me with this,
Speaker 1: like you know, this is me, this is what it is.
Speaker 1: I'm tired of living this facade of what I think
Speaker 1: people and you want me to do. It's amazing how
Speaker 1: much of a weight was lifted off both of us.
Speaker 1: And it was a presentation like that though it was
Speaker 1: we sat down. It was sat down, and I was like, yo,
Speaker 1: this is how I feel. I just I just want
Speaker 1: to let you notice and where I'm coming from. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna start moving this way. And then she was just like, okay,
Speaker 1: so let's see how I go because I'm gonna start
Speaker 1: moving this way right. It was kind of freeing for
Speaker 1: me too, because sometimes you know, when you're within the
Speaker 1: confines of a relationship, I should say confract, when you
Speaker 1: choose to be in a relationship, a lot of what
Speaker 1: you do or don't do is thinking with the terms
Speaker 1: of like trying to appease somebody. At the same time,
Speaker 1: you know, you kind of dance sometimes around certain things
Speaker 1: because it's like, oh and toxic, this compromising or is
Speaker 1: this me you know, compromising how I feel in a circumstance,
Speaker 1: and this then can be detriment, detriment to me because
Speaker 1: resentment will build or you know, So at that point
Speaker 1: I had to be like, all right, Kadeen, is this
Speaker 1: something that you're willing to deal with? And again going
Speaker 1: back to choices, which we say after the almost every episode,
Speaker 1: it goes back to then giving me the choice to decide,
Speaker 1: am I going to then now appreciate and love and
Speaker 1: accepted out for who he is? Or um, you know,
Speaker 1: is it something that's not worth working towards as a
Speaker 1: couple anymore? And to be honest, that revelation for the
Speaker 1: both of us brought us so much closer together. Once.
Speaker 1: Once we had that revelation, that's when our not only
Speaker 1: did our lives start to grow um together, but they
Speaker 1: also grew individually. She started doing better in her career,
Speaker 1: I was doing better in my career because we both
Speaker 1: felt free, flourished. Yeah, and we're able to get on
Speaker 1: the same page too, because at that point we were
Speaker 1: talking about the next the next way we can then
Speaker 1: get our careers to kind of take it to another level,
Speaker 1: you know, you being an actor, me being you know,
Speaker 1: an actress and on camera television and all that entire
Speaker 1: you know, feel that we were both trying to kind
Speaker 1: of launch and propel ourselves into We were now able
Speaker 1: to speak about that open me and be on the
Speaker 1: same page, so we can build a plan, you know,
Speaker 1: build a narrative about what we wanted to do. And
Speaker 1: that's how social media became about. And and here we
Speaker 1: are today. We'll have a podcast and we're able to
Speaker 1: talk to you about this stuff that was just an idea,
Speaker 1: you know, like five years ago. Because of the freedom
Speaker 1: to be ourselves and to not feel judged by each
Speaker 1: other first and then by everyone else, right, and getting
Speaker 1: rid of those thoughts that could have been toxic and
Speaker 1: could have just kind of taken us a stray, you know,
Speaker 1: or kept us in an unhappy space. And I mean,
Speaker 1: no love is worth the sacrifice of your physical or
Speaker 1: emotional well being, to be honest. So so I mean
Speaker 1: I think there's ways to kind of um, there's benefits
Speaker 1: to creating healthy boundaries, you know when it comes to
Speaker 1: you and just protecting yourself with these toxic forces around us,
Speaker 1: you know, how do you create your own little force
Speaker 1: field to protect yourself. Well, the first thing that I've learned,
Speaker 1: and I've learned this recently from Donora. She said that
Speaker 1: she started to create boundaries first by time right. She
Speaker 1: only allows people certain access to her during the times
Speaker 1: where she's prepared to take in. The people shout out
Speaker 1: this was a great tip. She said that on her phone,
Speaker 1: she puts it on do not disturb as soon as
Speaker 1: it hits I think eleven PM, because that's her time
Speaker 1: to focus on her So now her phone is not
Speaker 1: going to ring at eleven pm and anyone can come
Speaker 1: in and just take access to her time. Damn you,
Speaker 1: So if I text you at one am, I'm not
Speaker 1: you don't like you, You don't want to hear from you, hey,
Speaker 1: I respect your spaces. I get it. I get it.
Speaker 1: And then communicating thoughts not assuming. I think that's another
Speaker 1: super important point, you know, because think about the things
Speaker 1: and the way your mind works when you start to
Speaker 1: assume things and the stories and the sonnets and the
Speaker 1: high coups that you building your head and it may
Speaker 1: not even be because you're being all poet. I mean,
Speaker 1: you know, I learned that in one of those grades.
Speaker 1: But I'm just saying you think about what you build
Speaker 1: in your own mind, this whole story and this whole
Speaker 1: narrative that may not even be true, And it'd be
Speaker 1: simple if you just communicate what it is, take it
Speaker 1: for what it is, and keep it pushing, you know, yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1: And then there's a responsibility factor, be responsible for your
Speaker 1: own actions, like you said, knowing when you may be
Speaker 1: the toxic person and don't want to hear that though, no,
Speaker 1: they don't want to hear it. But I think a
Speaker 1: lot of self reflection goes into this whole episode of toxicity.
Speaker 1: It's like you got to realize, you know, what is
Speaker 1: my what are my intentions here? How am I feeling here?
Speaker 1: And how can that be projected on someone? Let me
Speaker 1: tell you that what I learned about being responsible for
Speaker 1: your own actions, right, being a professional athlete, even before that,
Speaker 1: being a college athlete taught me the most about being
Speaker 1: responsible for your own actions. And I'm gonna tell you
Speaker 1: how they filmed everything in sports. Right, they say that
Speaker 1: eye and the sky don't lie. They film practice. They
Speaker 1: film all of these reps. Right. So you go out
Speaker 1: there every day and you play receiver, and they tell
Speaker 1: you it hitches at how many yards? It's at seven yards.
Speaker 1: So you run this hits, you run to seven yards,
Speaker 1: you turn around, you catch the football, right, you run,
Speaker 1: you turn around, the ball doesn't come. You get screened
Speaker 1: at what are you doing? Like, I did everything right,
Speaker 1: I ran seven yards. I don't know why he didn't
Speaker 1: throw the ball. You and the coach are going back
Speaker 1: and forth. The coach and you ran seven yards. He's like, yes,
Speaker 1: I'm telling you, I ran seven yards. Then you get
Speaker 1: back in the film room, you watch film of yourself
Speaker 1: and you realize that you only ran six yards and
Speaker 1: see what I'm saying. And then but in your mind,
Speaker 1: because you didn't have self reflection in your mind, you
Speaker 1: knew that you were in seven yards and it wasn't
Speaker 1: so you were able to see yourself from someone else's
Speaker 1: perspective that you say, ah, right, because you're You're every
Speaker 1: intention in you was to run them seven yards, every
Speaker 1: intention to run seven yards to get that first down.
Speaker 1: But believe in yourself to a fault. And people do
Speaker 1: that every day, and it has nothing to do with hitches,
Speaker 1: has nothing to do with football, but people in themselves
Speaker 1: believing themselves every day that they're doing everything in their
Speaker 1: power the right way. And if the Eye and the
Speaker 1: Sky was recording them, they could show them how many
Speaker 1: times you didn't do what you intended on doing. And
Speaker 1: that's not that you did try to do it wrong,
Speaker 1: but you didn't do because the Eye and the Sky
Speaker 1: don't lie. Guy, Hey, you know what it's takeaway is
Speaker 1: from me from this show. You can't infuse yourself in
Speaker 1: the toxic situation and make it non toxic. You can
Speaker 1: only remove yourself from it. Stop trying, because this is
Speaker 1: what a lot of people do. A lot of people
Speaker 1: think they can save the day, They can save this person,
Speaker 1: they can save that situation. You can't. The intentions are good,
Speaker 1: but yes, when you've noticed that something is completely toxic,
Speaker 1: just avoided it all costs because there's nothing you can say.
Speaker 1: Your dude is going to change that situation, right, look
Speaker 1: at that. That's a nice little little discussion hearing out
Speaker 1: talk about it. And I hope you know, anyone who's
Speaker 1: listening now, if you have those relationships where you feel
Speaker 1: like are kind of on the fence, that you revisit
Speaker 1: them and you know if it's worth sticking around for
Speaker 1: in the person in the other in the relationship with
Speaker 1: you is willing to then speak with you about it,
Speaker 1: and you guys are able to you know, hash out
Speaker 1: some things and it can be worth holding onto if
Speaker 1: not another one bite the dust, another one bite to dust.
Speaker 1: That's the only part of that song I know, but
Speaker 1: it exactly. We're gonna take a quick break now and
Speaker 1: move into listener letters after we get into some ads.
Speaker 1: This for the record, there it is a win for
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Speaker 1: Podcasts or your favorite podcast app listener letters. I get
Speaker 1: a lot of d m s. I can't answer them
Speaker 1: because they come in so fast, but we do read
Speaker 1: the emails, and these are my favorite part of the
Speaker 1: show because we get to interact with you guys. Absolutely.
Speaker 1: That's what we have for the first question today, Question
Speaker 1: number one. I love your podcast, Well, we love you too.
Speaker 1: Thank you. Yes, it gives me so much insight into
Speaker 1: love and relationships. I know you both met in college
Speaker 1: and started the journey from there, but do you have
Speaker 1: any advice for someone who is out of college and
Speaker 1: wants to be taken seriously in the dating world. I
Speaker 1: am twenty five, still a baby to some, but I
Speaker 1: have an old soul at least I would like to
Speaker 1: think so, and can't get with this millennial casual dating
Speaker 1: hook up scene. It has not worked out well for me.
Speaker 1: I catch feelings fast when sexual intimacy is involved, so
Speaker 1: I avoid it now as I am dating. What advice
Speaker 1: do you have for someone looking to date with the
Speaker 1: vision of having a long term relationship in a culture
Speaker 1: that says if you don't sleep with him, you will
Speaker 1: lose him. Signed sexually frustrated millennial that wants a partnership.
Speaker 1: Oh cis this sounds like a lot of the young
Speaker 1: women that reach out to us. Yeah, no, you're absolutely right,
Speaker 1: or just even like you know friends who we have
Speaker 1: that are still single and still trying to find their
Speaker 1: way and navigate this whole dating scene. It's crazy because
Speaker 1: I feel like I can't even speak to the dating
Speaker 1: scene nowadays. Um, I'm sure it's way different than if
Speaker 1: I was dating in my twenties, you know, um years
Speaker 1: ago and stuff. Um. So from what I hear, though,
Speaker 1: it can be a very frustrating experience for a lot
Speaker 1: of people to try to first of all, meet like
Speaker 1: minded individuals. It's like, where do you go to meet
Speaker 1: those people who are like minded individuals? And then from there,
Speaker 1: how do you set boundaries? Like we spoke about earlier,
Speaker 1: set boundaries instead of standard for what it is you're
Speaker 1: looking for as you date casually. Um, what do you
Speaker 1: You're on the front from guys. So we I have
Speaker 1: this conversation a lot with the young men that I
Speaker 1: that I talked to and speak with, and this is
Speaker 1: this is the biggest thing, right because of where we are,
Speaker 1: you know, socially and with the whole you know, revolution
Speaker 1: of women's rights and women owning their sexuality. There are
Speaker 1: a lot more women, uh in nineteen who are willing
Speaker 1: to have open sex than there was back in the day.
Speaker 1: So traditional values of dating just really just don't exist anymore. Um.
Speaker 1: But what I will say is this, if you're a
Speaker 1: woman who has standards and sets your standards right, you
Speaker 1: have to be open to dating someone who is probably
Speaker 1: going to date other women because they probably have other
Speaker 1: things that they want to do. That doesn't mean you
Speaker 1: have to compete with those other women though. So just
Speaker 1: because they're having sex with those other women doesn't mean
Speaker 1: that you have to have as much sex or have
Speaker 1: sex with him to even be in the conversation I
Speaker 1: hear from a lot of men, from young men twenty
Speaker 1: five all the way up to forty five, that sex
Speaker 1: or not having sex will not stop me from dating
Speaker 1: a woman, especially if the woman is interesting and intrigues him.
Speaker 1: So what happens is women often feel like, oh man,
Speaker 1: he you know he's dating other women. They probably having sex.
Speaker 1: I gotta do it, almost like you can't stand a
Speaker 1: chance to compete with somebody like that. And women probably
Speaker 1: feel that way. But that's not the case. And I
Speaker 1: know I know personally from close friends, all different types
Speaker 1: of ages, who who have dated women who were not
Speaker 1: sleeping with them, and dating them from months who were
Speaker 1: not sleeping with them. Of course they were having sex
Speaker 1: with other women, but then it was like they don't
Speaker 1: really like her. I really like her. And then it
Speaker 1: was up to the women to say, listen, I wanted
Speaker 1: to be exclusive. I want to be exclusive and I
Speaker 1: want to take things seriously. And if that's the case,
Speaker 1: I don't want you to be with any other women.
Speaker 1: But at that point you have to be open to
Speaker 1: what he says about that. So if you're being honest
Speaker 1: whom and say, listen, maybe I don't want to have
Speaker 1: sex until I get married. Maybe he's not open to that.
Speaker 1: Maybe maybe he said, okay, so you know, I won't
Speaker 1: have sex with anyone else, but if we're going to day,
Speaker 1: I would like to have sex with you. If you're
Speaker 1: not open to that, that's not the guy for you.
Speaker 1: But you have to be open to having that conversation
Speaker 1: and and say to him, Okay, I don't want you
Speaker 1: to have sex with anyone else, but you know we
Speaker 1: can move forward and be intimate or the only way
Speaker 1: I'm willing to be intimate with you is if it's exclusive.
Speaker 1: And I've seen men at that point make that choice
Speaker 1: and say, you know what, I'm willing to go there.
Speaker 1: If they're really interested in the women, they're willing to
Speaker 1: go there. But I don't think women have taken that
Speaker 1: they I see a lot of women because they said
Speaker 1: to me, all he's having sex with other women, I
Speaker 1: think I should just have sex, right. I mean, they
Speaker 1: can be intimidating. I mean you feel like someone is
Speaker 1: offering something that you either can't give or not willing
Speaker 1: to give him that moment. And I can understand from
Speaker 1: her perspective she's saying that, you know, she maybe tries
Speaker 1: to do the whole like casual sex thing, but then
Speaker 1: feelings get involved, you know, and then what happens Then
Speaker 1: you get your heart broken over situation that maybe is
Speaker 1: casual sex to him as well. You know, so having
Speaker 1: the conversation about is this going to be casual sex
Speaker 1: or not? Are we having sex with the intent to
Speaker 1: potentially move the relationship into another you know area, then
Speaker 1: that could potentially work too. And in the meantime, says Um,
Speaker 1: hit up some you know, sex toy spots and handle
Speaker 1: your business. However, you got to handle it in the
Speaker 1: meantime because she didn't say that. She's also sexually frustrated
Speaker 1: in the meantime while she's looking for this partnership right,
Speaker 1: which means she wants to have sex and she's not.
Speaker 1: She doesn't want to hold out to a marriage, but
Speaker 1: she probably doesn't want to do the casual you have
Speaker 1: sex or whoever, means she wants an exclusive relationship as
Speaker 1: she wants an exclusive relationship and she wants someone to
Speaker 1: respect that. I think if she if she gives the
Speaker 1: god time to get to know her and have him
Speaker 1: commit to being exclusive, I think she'll find somebody. Just
Speaker 1: don't feel that you have to compete with women who
Speaker 1: just want to have sex. You don't have to. There's
Speaker 1: different lanes for different people. You gotta find who respects right.
Speaker 1: That's good. Yeah, I was kind of stumped on this.
Speaker 1: Question just because, like I said, I haven't been in
Speaker 1: the dating scene, but I know you talked to a
Speaker 1: lot of men who are you know, friends are just
Speaker 1: casual conversation with guys who then tell you what they
Speaker 1: may be looking for when their day or on the
Speaker 1: scene as well. And and to be honest, this is
Speaker 1: just you know, transparency. A lot of men, after you know,
Speaker 1: having sex with multiple women's find sex to be shallow
Speaker 1: unless it's with someone that they have a connection with.
Speaker 1: So a lot of times they are having sex with
Speaker 1: multiple women and having sex frequently with other women. That's
Speaker 1: because they haven't found someone that they've connected with to
Speaker 1: have sex with. A lot of those men say that
Speaker 1: sex with someone you're connected to is so much more
Speaker 1: um fulfilling than just having random sex. So you just
Speaker 1: have to find a man who wants to have sex
Speaker 1: with someone that has a connection. You know that it's
Speaker 1: just that simple, and be willing to hear, because this
Speaker 1: is something else you have to be willing to hear.
Speaker 1: If you want him to not have sex with all
Speaker 1: of these different women and just have sex with you,
Speaker 1: be prepared that his sex drive maybe high and he
Speaker 1: wants to have sex with you. A lot, because that
Speaker 1: often becomes a topic in relationships. It starts of off
Speaker 1: hot and heavy because he's frustrated, but then when she's
Speaker 1: no longer frustrated and only wants to have sex once
Speaker 1: a week, that may be an issue for him. Be
Speaker 1: prepared to bust it down, bust it down, us it open,
Speaker 1: or as much as I'm being honest, if you are,
Speaker 1: if you are attracted to alpha males who work out
Speaker 1: a lot, who love to conquer, If you're attracted to
Speaker 1: a devo, listen, if you know to you, if you
Speaker 1: know like to have sex, right, don't expect that when
Speaker 1: he start dating you he's just not gonna like to
Speaker 1: have sex. No more Like that to me is the
Speaker 1: most assinine thing. You knew that he likes sex when
Speaker 1: y'all started dating, and now you're dating him and you're
Speaker 1: just like, no, I don't want to and he still
Speaker 1: wants to do seventeen years, girl, years? Can you blame
Speaker 1: me but your self? Can you blame me? You can't
Speaker 1: blame me. Looking as good as you want to look, girl,
Speaker 1: and you're pretty eyes, I don't lies. It's no surprise.
Speaker 1: I am wise. Bars, bars, you've been eating a lot
Speaker 1: of fries. I can't not a disguise Question number two
Speaker 1: listener letter number two you are hot miss Oh my god.
Speaker 1: I wanted to join in there, but I was talking
Speaker 1: about caught off guard with that one. All right, so
Speaker 1: I am. I married my husband almost four weeks ago,
Speaker 1: and we're happier than ever four weeks. Shall I hope
Speaker 1: you're happy in four weeks. We were together seven years
Speaker 1: before getting married, and I'm struggling on figuring out our
Speaker 1: next step. My husband wants to have a baby right away,
Speaker 1: like he wants to get me pregnant the night of
Speaker 1: the wedding, or he wanted to get me pregnant night,
Speaker 1: which debounded. Um, I personally would like to purchase a
Speaker 1: home first. How do I compromise with my husband and
Speaker 1: still get what we both want? Okay, so he wants
Speaker 1: to wait, So wait a second. He wants to baby
Speaker 1: right away and she wants to have at home. So
Speaker 1: I'm want to is it a financial thing? Um? Because
Speaker 1: when it comes to the house, that's something that you
Speaker 1: tend to plan for financially. Whereas a baby, I feel
Speaker 1: like I feel like you never really like you can
Speaker 1: plan for a child. But I feel like you're never
Speaker 1: really ready for a challe until the child comes. That's true.
Speaker 1: You know you can prepare, but there's never really a
Speaker 1: perfect time for children. Um, what you're saying about the
Speaker 1: financial part, No, I think sometimes it's just the vision
Speaker 1: of the people, right. Like his vision may be married baby,
Speaker 1: that's just the way he views his life. Her vision
Speaker 1: may be married, house baby, right. So sometimes it's not
Speaker 1: even finances, because there are people who have this question
Speaker 1: who are both well off. It's just the vision of
Speaker 1: what you think your life should be. One thing I'll
Speaker 1: say about marriage is throw away your vision of what
Speaker 1: you think your life should be when you marry someone
Speaker 1: somebody exactly, because we've been through that. Sure, what do
Speaker 1: you think it's supposed to look like? Almost never happens
Speaker 1: in that order unless you find a submissive person that's
Speaker 1: just always going to let you get what you want.
Speaker 1: But you won't even like that either, right exactly. And
Speaker 1: I mean I think you can plan more so for
Speaker 1: the house in terms of like, okay, finding a house,
Speaker 1: having money set aside to then have the house and everything.
Speaker 1: When it comes to children, though, you just never know,
Speaker 1: Like we, you know, fortunate that we were pregnant on
Speaker 1: the honeymoon. I know some people who plan for a baby.
Speaker 1: We're we're gonna wait until you know, we're three years
Speaker 1: in in our anniversary, and then we're going to try
Speaker 1: for a baby, and then it may take them longer
Speaker 1: to conceive. You just never really know when the right
Speaker 1: time is for certain things like that. I never this
Speaker 1: is the first time we said this. I've never thought
Speaker 1: about that, though, Yeah, I've literally because I'm a man,
Speaker 1: and sometimes you just don't you don't think outside of
Speaker 1: what you're capable of doing, right because as a woman,
Speaker 1: I think that a lot of women think about it.
Speaker 1: If you do desire to children, when it's the right
Speaker 1: time and all that, and then you just never know,
Speaker 1: like yeah, you just it just may not happen right
Speaker 1: away when you think is the right time to happen.
Speaker 1: And I've known people who have struggled with, you know,
Speaker 1: getting pregnant because they thought it was the right time.
Speaker 1: They had the house, they had, you know, everything set up,
Speaker 1: they had, Yeah, you had there certain things in place
Speaker 1: that were within your control, and then when it comes
Speaker 1: time to then conceive, it's not in your control, and
Speaker 1: then you end up disappointed or you know, then that
Speaker 1: can also to bear some kind of burden on you.
Speaker 1: So I just realized that sometimes we give we give
Speaker 1: advice to people from a place of privilege. We've been
Speaker 1: privileged to have our first child. Immediately we struggled with Cairo.
Speaker 1: You had to have a procedure done to get your
Speaker 1: tubes flushed. So now it kind of like it brings
Speaker 1: me back to that moment when you weren't sure you
Speaker 1: could have another child. Absolutely, yeah, that choice of when
Speaker 1: you're going to have a baby is not always in
Speaker 1: I got off of my I had my i UD
Speaker 1: taken out, like and I think it was like April,
Speaker 1: when Jackson was like four, and then I was like,
Speaker 1: oh great, took it out. My doctors like, you had
Speaker 1: no problems getting pregnant with Jackson, so you're you'll be
Speaker 1: straight shooting. You can just try and like and I
Speaker 1: was shooting, and he was shooting. The club all the
Speaker 1: way up. Shooters keep shooting, and then nothing was happening,
Speaker 1: and I was just like, that's strange, and I thought
Speaker 1: it would have been easier. Um, and something just didn't
Speaker 1: sit right with me. Devout thought I was overthinking it.
Speaker 1: He's like just relaxed, enjoy the process A k A.
Speaker 1: Just bustle wide open as much as you can, because
Speaker 1: I'm gonna do through my part. But me, on the
Speaker 1: other hand, I felt like something deep down was not right,
Speaker 1: and I spoke to my doctor unbeknownst to you, UM,
Speaker 1: spoke to my doctor and she and I arranged a
Speaker 1: procedure that I had done, and UM, I was able
Speaker 1: to get pregnant after that, thank god. UM. But yeah,
Speaker 1: and my tubes I did, Oh goodness. Was the name
Speaker 1: of the procedure escapes me. I think it's an hCG
Speaker 1: or h G C. Um. That's the name of the
Speaker 1: procedure I had. Um, But it flashed my tubes and
Speaker 1: then I was able to get pregnant, like literally right
Speaker 1: after that. UM. And then I probably explains why CASS
Speaker 1: came shortly after that too, because UM, everything that was
Speaker 1: backed up there you're all back and waiting like hello,
Speaker 1: hello there the black age you let me out and
Speaker 1: they all just came out. So I mean it's safe
Speaker 1: to say that you guys should maybe have that conversation
Speaker 1: UM more, maybe another time, talking about like you know
Speaker 1: what it is that you want next, what do you want?
Speaker 1: What can wait? Um? If the house can't wait for you.
Speaker 1: I mean, you might want to try for the baby.
Speaker 1: You're married now, you're to get a seven years so
Speaker 1: children are a time, you know, is that time? Children
Speaker 1: are a blessing you can always you know, as long
Speaker 1: as you're financially stable. House hunting and house planning is
Speaker 1: a lot easier than planning for child because that may
Speaker 1: not always be up to you or your body. So
Speaker 1: I would say, listen, you want to compromise, you want to,
Speaker 1: you know, have the open conversation, be honest, because that's
Speaker 1: always what it comes down to. Tell them exactly what
Speaker 1: you want, but be willing to hear what he wants
Speaker 1: as well, and see if you can find a way
Speaker 1: to get both at the same time. And if not,
Speaker 1: think about what you can control and what you can control.
Speaker 1: The things that you can't control, leave it up to God.
Speaker 1: If you believe in the universe, leave it up to
Speaker 1: the universe. You know, um and things you can control.
Speaker 1: Get that done immediately, there you go, and then before
Speaker 1: you know it, you might be you know, making a
Speaker 1: baby on your new kitchen counter top in your house
Speaker 1: or something you love counter tops. It's the second time
Speaker 1: you mentioned already too. Yes, I love counter tops. God,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna put a counter top in every room in
Speaker 1: our house and put counter tops everywhere in the playroom. Yes,
Speaker 1: just counter top in the car, just so that I
Speaker 1: can look you on account it And if you want
Speaker 1: to be featured as one of our listener letters, email
Speaker 1: us at dead ass Advice at gmail dot com. That's
Speaker 1: dead ass Advice at gmail dot com. Yes, and that
Speaker 1: leads us to the moment of truth. This is my
Speaker 1: moment of truth. It's very simple. All right, we're talking
Speaker 1: about toxicity and being toxic. First thing you want to do,
Speaker 1: the first rule of toxicity is recognized the toxicity in yourself.
Speaker 1: Figure out how you're being toxic and why you're being toxic.
Speaker 1: Once you can figure that out, then you can see
Speaker 1: how the people around you are moving in a toxic manner.
Speaker 1: Once you figure that out, dismiss the ones that you
Speaker 1: want to dismiss, keep the ones that you want to keep,
Speaker 1: and just keep working on being as lex toxic as possible,
Speaker 1: as lex less toxic today, toxic, you made the word
Speaker 1: a lot of ex speaking of exs. If if the
Speaker 1: person in your relationship is toxic, they may become your X. Yes, Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm here, my bad, but now learn when to let go.
Speaker 1: You need to learn when you or learn what your
Speaker 1: boundaries are and know what it is you're willing to
Speaker 1: tolerate and not tolerate. That's what I took away from
Speaker 1: it because sometimes too, you get into a relationship and
Speaker 1: you feel like you can bend certain things that you
Speaker 1: know you really don't want to bend on. So by
Speaker 1: knowing your boundaries, by knowing what you can and can't
Speaker 1: deal with or not willing to deal with, then you
Speaker 1: can move forward and be more clear with your expectations
Speaker 1: of what you want out of that relationship, whether it's
Speaker 1: your friend, your relationship with a spouse, or a significant
Speaker 1: other family member, and all that good stuff. So you
Speaker 1: have it fine toxicity in yourself, set boundaries and be
Speaker 1: okay sending those boundaries you go life. Be sure to
Speaker 1: follow us on social media that's I am Devout and
Speaker 1: Cadine I Am. And if you're listening on Apple podcasts,
Speaker 1: be sure to rate and review because we love to
Speaker 1: hear feedbased do we love the feedback what you like
Speaker 1: and what we can improve on, and don't forget to
Speaker 1: hit that subscribe button. That way, when we do upload
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Speaker 1: Baby Back. Dead Ass is a production of Stitcher. It's
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Speaker 1: Officer is Chris Bannet. Our associate producers are Kristen Torres
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