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Speaker 1: We're back. I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth and

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Speaker 1: coming in September a new site we have built together

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Speaker 1: called defect or Defector, and we're gonna have a new

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Speaker 1: podcast to go with it. This very podcast which has

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Speaker 1: the name The Distraction. It's out right now at available

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Speaker 1: every rustic, your podcast at such a Spotify, Apple Go

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Speaker 1: listen right now to The Distraction everywhere. It's out right now.

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Speaker 1: Go listen to see By. Sometimes when dealing with toxic

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Speaker 1: situations or toxic relationships, you kind of have to step

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Speaker 1: back and wonder, am I the toxic one? Oh? Because

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Speaker 1: I was thinking the same thing. The biggest thing I

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Speaker 1: learned in my life is that sometimes I was actually

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Speaker 1: the person being toxic. Look at you. We're on the

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Speaker 1: same page today. This might be a good day, y'all

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Speaker 1: deads Hey, I'm Cadeine and we're the Ellis. You may

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Speaker 1: know us from posting funny videos without boys and reading

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Speaker 1: each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I

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Speaker 1: make you need derby most days. Wow. Oh and one

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Speaker 1: more important thing to mention, we're married. Yes, so we are.

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Speaker 1: We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of

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Speaker 1: life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to

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Speaker 1: talk about through the lens of a millennial married couple.

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Speaker 1: Dead ass is a term that we say every day.

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Speaker 1: When we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth,

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Speaker 1: the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We're about

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Speaker 1: to take phillows off to a whole new level. Dead

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Speaker 1: ask starts now. I think about the time that you

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Speaker 1: spend in a workplace. Usually you're on a shift for

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Speaker 1: anywhere between like eight to nine hours. For the most part,

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Speaker 1: I was working in an environment once that I felt

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Speaker 1: like was dreaming and sucking the life out of me.

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Speaker 1: And unlike my little confession in the very beginning, I

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Speaker 1: don't believe I was a toxic person in this relationship.

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Speaker 1: I feel like the toxicity around me was literally sucking

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Speaker 1: me in and I had to take the high roadicity.

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Speaker 1: Toxicity was sucking me in and I had to find

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Speaker 1: an escape. Um. I was in an environment where I

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Speaker 1: was pregnant with Jackson at the time, and I was

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Speaker 1: under a lot of pressure just in terms of you know,

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Speaker 1: being pregnant, but also it was retail environment. It was

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Speaker 1: coming around the holiday season, so that in itself, anyone

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Speaker 1: who really works retail knows that it's a very, very

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Speaker 1: high stress situation. Ended up losing my manager at the time,

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Speaker 1: and uh, a lot of the weight fell on my shoulders.

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Speaker 1: And I was doing the best that I could with

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Speaker 1: the staff of thirteen to make sure that they were

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Speaker 1: happy in their workpace, because I thought that was necessary

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Speaker 1: as a manager to make the environment as happy for

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Speaker 1: them as possible amidst all the chaos. UM. And then

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Speaker 1: I went off onto my maternity leave after I felt

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Speaker 1: like I was kind of shoved out in a sense.

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Speaker 1: UM went off on my maternity leave, and while on

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Speaker 1: maternity leave, was hearing from other staff members that I

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Speaker 1: was pretty much being thrown under the bus for things

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Speaker 1: that had gone wrong. I mean, what other way to

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Speaker 1: deal with issues than talking about the person who's not

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Speaker 1: there at the time toxic, you know. UM. And that's

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Speaker 1: not something I should have been worried about on my

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Speaker 1: maternity leave, you know, dealing with my newborn baby postpartum,

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Speaker 1: I should have been enjoying my time, not dealing with

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Speaker 1: work situations. So you know what I did, I went

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Speaker 1: back to work after my leave was over, guns blazing, blazing.

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Speaker 1: I had everything lined up, every email, every conversation. I

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Speaker 1: brought everybody into the room who had something to say,

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Speaker 1: and I said, you know what, y'all, let's let it

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Speaker 1: rip with everybody in the same room at the same

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Speaker 1: time so we can get down to the bottom of this.

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Speaker 1: And Cadeine, being the scapegoat, was no more and I

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Speaker 1: was able to, you know, plead my case, chuck the deuces,

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Speaker 1: and I was gone out of that toxic relationship because

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Speaker 1: I did not deserve that and it was not necessary

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Speaker 1: for a work environment. You know, how you get rid

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Speaker 1: of toxic a city? How do you do that? Receipts all,

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Speaker 1: make sure you pull up the receipts. Another one, go toxic?

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Speaker 1: Where did you say? You heard this song played at?

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Speaker 1: And it was the most hilarious scenario at a wedding.

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Speaker 1: Wedding the bride came down the aisle to another one,

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Speaker 1: bites dust? What marriage was? It? Was it her fourth? Fifth?

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Speaker 1: I think it was a fifth marriage. Marriage at this point,

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Speaker 1: it was just funny to her and everyone. So she

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Speaker 1: came down the aisle to another one by dust, mad funny.

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Speaker 1: That's hilarious, that's hilarious. Oh my goodness. So what's up, y'all?

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Speaker 1: What are we talking? About this week, what's been happening.

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Speaker 1: We're talking about toxic relationships and toxic people. I instantly

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Speaker 1: just just made me feel heavy, like I had to

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Speaker 1: kind of just like, oh, crab legs last night. Don't

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Speaker 1: try to put me on black. I've been carbs cycling.

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Speaker 1: Okay cars, it's cycling, so it's not like all the time.

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Speaker 1: So you eat your cards while I want to bite.

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Speaker 1: That was such a dad joke. It was such a

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Speaker 1: dad it was, but I couldn't let it pass. So

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Speaker 1: let's start with this. I think it's important for us

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Speaker 1: to define what a toxic relationship is and how to

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Speaker 1: identify toxic folks in your life. Miss Lilian Glass, well,

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Speaker 1: Doctor Lilian Glass, I should say, in her book Toxic People,

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Speaker 1: defines a toxic relationship as and I quote, any relationship

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Speaker 1: between people who don't support each other, where there's conflict

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Speaker 1: and one seeks to undermine the other, where there's competition,

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Speaker 1: and where there's disrespect and a lack of cohesiveness. But

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Speaker 1: I don't I don't completely agree with that. Like competition,

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Speaker 1: to me, is not toxic. That to me, has been

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Speaker 1: very helpful in my life being in the sports arena

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Speaker 1: because I was competitive. Take Marcus Colston from me example, right, Okay,

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Speaker 1: Me and Marcus came into Haustra. He was a year

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Speaker 1: ahead of me. When I first got the I was like, Yo,

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Speaker 1: I'm going to be better than you. I'm competitive. To him,

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Speaker 1: I said, I'm coming for your job, and he laughed, like,

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Speaker 1: but then he's competitive. So he pushed himself to not

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Speaker 1: let me be better than him, and I pushed to

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Speaker 1: be better than him. And that competition was healthy in

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Speaker 1: our relationship because not only did we push each other,

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Speaker 1: you know saying, but we also encouraged each other. You

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Speaker 1: see what I'm saying. So I don't know if competition

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Speaker 1: is always toxic. No, not always, because I for as

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Speaker 1: to play Devil's advocate. I can think it could be

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Speaker 1: unhealthy if say, you were to do this to somebody

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Speaker 1: who didn't have the self esteem or have the confidence

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Speaker 1: that Marcus had. You know, you, maybe somebody may take

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Speaker 1: that as you kind of um, you know, weighing down

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Speaker 1: on them, or you trying to be arrogant, knowing especially

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Speaker 1: in the sports world and athletics and just professional sports,

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Speaker 1: that that tends to work for some people. You talk

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Speaker 1: ship and you know that scene as something that can

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Speaker 1: be uplifting in a sense. It gives you that rage

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Speaker 1: and that that energy to just say, you know what,

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna just blow through this guy and take his

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Speaker 1: job for real, for real, where as somebody, on the

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Speaker 1: other hand, may not see it that way. They may

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Speaker 1: see it as you picking on them. Yeah, well, I

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Speaker 1: mean that person is a punk. But I just know,

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Speaker 1: I'm serious. I feel like competition is healthy. I just

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Speaker 1: but I think you know, we're talking particularly about relationships

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Speaker 1: where consistently it's unpleasant, you know, and it's draining for

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Speaker 1: people to be in it to the point that negative

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Speaker 1: moments outweigh the number of positive ones, right, And I

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Speaker 1: think that's where why it's important for us to define

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Speaker 1: what exactly is toxic. What's toxic about it is undermining

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Speaker 1: or undercutting the people in those relationships, you know, like

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Speaker 1: manipulation on when you don't want to compromise, you know,

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Speaker 1: like that can become toxic. No, it can be toxic,

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Speaker 1: it can be draining. And I think about um toxicity

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Speaker 1: and people and as it relates to even just say

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Speaker 1: family members per se or just even say family members

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Speaker 1: are not even a part of it, just anyone what's

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Speaker 1: the root of that is usually with unhappiness in the

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Speaker 1: person that starts, and then they're now spewing this onto

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Speaker 1: other people and trying to take them out with them,

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Speaker 1: and it's usually harder to get away from if you're

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Speaker 1: in a family relationship. You know, UM, I told you

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Speaker 1: about my story with Mac and how I felt like

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Speaker 1: that was a toxic situation that I was in. UM,

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Speaker 1: do you have any toxic situations that you feel like

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Speaker 1: you've been in yourself? So I can tell you by

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Speaker 1: the time where I was being toxic and didn't even

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Speaker 1: realize you were I was. I was being toxic. Didn't

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Speaker 1: realize that I was being toxic until after the fact, right,

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Speaker 1: And it came once we retired. And you know, once

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Speaker 1: I retired from the NFL, I was not happy about

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Speaker 1: where I was in my life. I was I felt

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Speaker 1: like I had lost everything. I was lost in the world,

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Speaker 1: didn't know where to go. At this next point, I

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Speaker 1: knew I wanted to act and do TV film, but

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Speaker 1: I just didn't know how to get there. So in

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Speaker 1: my mind, the world was so daunting that when I

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Speaker 1: was giving advice to people, rather than giving them empowering

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Speaker 1: advice on how great things can be, I was in

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Speaker 1: turn giving them projecting what I was feeling about how

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Speaker 1: the world was. That's funny because I don't I don't

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Speaker 1: even foresee that with you, because just knowing the type

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Speaker 1: of individual that you are having your mentorship program looking

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Speaker 1: you know, like always looking to empower people. I can't

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Speaker 1: even recall a moment when that I didn't do anything

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Speaker 1: unlike you. I didn't it on purpose. I didn't do

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Speaker 1: it with malice, But that doesn't mean that I wasn't

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Speaker 1: being toxic. I remember at points when people are asking me, Hey, Deval,

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Speaker 1: what do you think about this? And I was saying, well,

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Speaker 1: you want to be safe because you never know how

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Speaker 1: this and that you never know, so you might not

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Speaker 1: want to do that. You might want to just you known,

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Speaker 1: settle here and do this because it's comfortable, because that's

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Speaker 1: how I felt in the moment after losing everything. So

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Speaker 1: you aren't necessarily toxic with an ill will to not

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Speaker 1: see this person succeed you just from your experience, was saying,

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Speaker 1: you know what, it didn't work for me in this circumstance,

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Speaker 1: so it may not work for you, right, but it was,

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Speaker 1: but it was still toxic. Nonetheless, telling somebody not to

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Speaker 1: change their dream and not go after what they want.

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Speaker 1: Because I didn't get what I wanted. I wasn't where

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Speaker 1: I wanted to be at the time. It's still toxic.

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Speaker 1: Regardless of whether my intent was toxic, just spewing that

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Speaker 1: type of negativity or not encouraging someone to do or

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Speaker 1: go after what they want was toxic. You see what

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Speaker 1: I'm saying. And I think a lot of people need

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Speaker 1: to recognize how they're being toxic in their own relationships

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Speaker 1: and not always looking for other people's toxicity, but noticed

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Speaker 1: that you may have some toxic moments in your life,

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Speaker 1: because that may be the only one I can think

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Speaker 1: of right now, But I'm pretty sure there were other

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Speaker 1: times in my life where I was being toxic and

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Speaker 1: didn't realize it, right because I wasn't trying to be toxic.

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Speaker 1: But that doesn't mean I was being I wasn't me

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Speaker 1: a toxic, right I guess I could kind of relate

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Speaker 1: to that in the sense I think about when you

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Speaker 1: had retired from the league and we moved back to

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Speaker 1: Brooklyn and we were just kind of rebuilding our life,

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Speaker 1: you know, and we had other friends and and people

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Speaker 1: that we know that we're still in the league, and

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Speaker 1: doing well and thriving at the time. And though I

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Speaker 1: wasn't happy with the situation we were in at the time,

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Speaker 1: I feel like I never wished ill on them, though

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Speaker 1: I can't say honestly that I didn't have moments of

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Speaker 1: like a little envy, like, oh my god, why us,

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Speaker 1: why did this have to happen to us? So why

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Speaker 1: couldn't things go differently for us? And now looking back

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Speaker 1: on it, I can say, well, that was just a

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Speaker 1: test for us, you know, going through those trials and tribulations,

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Speaker 1: for lack of a better word, like that really made

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Speaker 1: us who we are now in this moment. So I

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Speaker 1: think there's a special characteristic in someone who can be

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Speaker 1: able to say, you know what, I'm not gonna wish

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Speaker 1: bad on this person. But at the same time too,

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Speaker 1: I just know I'm not happy within myself, so I

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Speaker 1: can then in turn remove myself from that. It's funny

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Speaker 1: people always ask how do you avoid toxic situations? Realistically, Um,

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Speaker 1: it's impossible to completely avoid. What I would say to

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Speaker 1: do is to recognize first when you're in a toxic situation.

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Speaker 1: Once you've recognized, you know how to maneuver around it.

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Speaker 1: But you can't just avoid. Like you can't see a

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Speaker 1: toxic situation coming until it actually happened. I'm it doesn't

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Speaker 1: like yeah, it doesn't walk around with a yeah like

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Speaker 1: the cartoons back in the day you would see like

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Speaker 1: the green fingers coming where it's like older. It's like, oh,

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Speaker 1: here's the toxic situation that that doesn't happen in life.

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Speaker 1: But you have to recognize when it's toxic. Actually, I

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Speaker 1: was recently brought into a toxic situation where I honestly

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Speaker 1: had nothing to do with the toxic with the situation. However,

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Speaker 1: by way of default, I was kind of brought into it.

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Speaker 1: And it was one of those things where I could

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Speaker 1: have thrown myself into the mixed more and call this

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Speaker 1: one and call that one and all that. And I

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Speaker 1: was like, you know what, Lord, this is above me,

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Speaker 1: Like I could think this situation has nothing to do

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Speaker 1: with me. Those some people who I care about are

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Speaker 1: invested in the situation and maybe up to them to

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Speaker 1: figure that out. And I'm gonna move the way I'm

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Speaker 1: gonna move outside over here. That's the most important thing.

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Speaker 1: First recognize that you're in a toxic situation right then

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Speaker 1: to maneuver around it. Absolutely, you cannot turn the toxic

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Speaker 1: situation into a non toxic situation. You can only remove

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Speaker 1: yourself absolutely, so that I hit him with the SpongeBob

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Speaker 1: me all right, I'm a head out because y' head

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Speaker 1: out because at this point it had absolutely nothing to

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Speaker 1: do with me. And sometimes you gotta do it. Sometimes

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Speaker 1: you gotta let things go. That's why we went with

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Speaker 1: another one bites it does. But I know everyone want

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Speaker 1: to know how do we come to this topic and

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Speaker 1: what prompted this discussion. Realistically, as a millennial married couple,

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Speaker 1: you find out in life that sometimes you have to

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Speaker 1: let other relationships go, other friendships go, because everybody's not

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Speaker 1: in alignment with what you're trying to you as a

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Speaker 1: married couple. You may have single friends, your wife may

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Speaker 1: have single friends, and you may have other married couples

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Speaker 1: who you have to let them go because they're the

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Speaker 1: toxic nous in their toxicity, the toxicity right now in

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Speaker 1: their relationship may come over into your relationships. So that's

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Speaker 1: how we got to this point. Absolutely. I mean, you're

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Speaker 1: talking about the things we talked about today. I'm hoping

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Speaker 1: that you guys can take away just things that you

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Speaker 1: can apply to your relationships. Whether it be you know again,

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Speaker 1: not just married couples, but you know, romantic relationships, um

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Speaker 1: family relationships. You know, well hopefullill they just set some

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Speaker 1: light and some things and talk through some things based

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Speaker 1: on our own experiences and stuff. So and I would

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Speaker 1: like to read a quote from Dr Shina Ali. Toxic

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Speaker 1: friends may be inconsiderate, pushy, and overly needy. These are

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Speaker 1: the friends whose text you dread answering because they demand

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Speaker 1: too much of your time. Toxic friends may make microaggressive

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Speaker 1: comments without realizing they're being hurtful and abusive friendships the

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Speaker 1: behavior intense of fiens. Yes, that's health clinician. So this

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Speaker 1: leads me to a very funny movie, one of my

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Speaker 1: favorite movies of all time, Why Did I Get Married?

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Speaker 1: There's a scene, there's a scene in the movie which

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Speaker 1: is like the apex with the climax movie where everyone

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Speaker 1: is sitting at the table, and at the table, slowly

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Speaker 1: but surely people start to you know, reveal things they

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Speaker 1: know about other people's marriages, and it leads to a

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Speaker 1: huge fight in an argument amongst all friends, right, which

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Speaker 1: to me, it's funny because all friends have those moments

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Speaker 1: and everyone participates in those moments, and I'm gonna tell

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Speaker 1: you why, and I'm gonna tell you how it happens

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Speaker 1: mutual friends. This is exactly how it happens. And people

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Speaker 1: never want to admit to this, but this is exactly

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Speaker 1: what happens. Me and you meet with another married couple

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Speaker 1: and we have uh, maybe about six married friends. Right,

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Speaker 1: We get together and whichever friend is not in the room,

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Speaker 1: the first thing we ask is how is so and

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Speaker 1: so doing? Right? When the last time you spoke to

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Speaker 1: so and so? Right? So, once you start asking when

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Speaker 1: when was the last time you spoke to so and so?

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Speaker 1: How is so and so doing? You start to discuss

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Speaker 1: so and so. Then you have a discussion about so

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Speaker 1: and so. One of the friends end up meeting so

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Speaker 1: and so before the other friend, and the first thing

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Speaker 1: they asked was when the last time did you speak? So?

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Speaker 1: Then y'all speak to so and so about what y'all

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Speaker 1: previously spoke about. And then someone so says, oh, so,

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Speaker 1: y'all be talking about me when I'm not around. This

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Speaker 1: happens in all friendships, and it starts in grade school.

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Speaker 1: It starts in grade school. And what happens is people

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Speaker 1: don't realize how toxic that can become when you're not

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Speaker 1: willing to say to your friend what you said about

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Speaker 1: them when they're not around, and that's what happens. That's

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Speaker 1: when things be come toxic, because that's what happened at work, right. Well,

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Speaker 1: I mean, and do you think it's the thing where

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Speaker 1: it's necessarily malicious things? Because sometimes it's not even things

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Speaker 1: that are bad per se, it's just the fact that

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Speaker 1: the conversation was had, and it's like, well, would you

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Speaker 1: say that to your friend to their face? Well, this,

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Speaker 1: this is one thing that I've noticed, right, A lot

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Speaker 1: of times people give their opinions on other people's relationships

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Speaker 1: to other friends, and it's like, if you're willing to

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Speaker 1: give your opinion about my relationship to someone else, why

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Speaker 1: aren't you willing to give that opinion to me. That's

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Speaker 1: when it becomes a real friend. If you're really a friend,

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Speaker 1: you should be able to give that opinion to me directly,

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Speaker 1: And that's when it becomes toxic. So you're willing to

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Speaker 1: tell everybody else what you think about me and my relationship,

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Speaker 1: but you won't tell me. And when you see me,

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Speaker 1: you you just shower me with compliments and tell me

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Speaker 1: how perfect. You think I am right. That's not a

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Speaker 1: good friend. That's about to say? Is that a friend? Friend?

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Speaker 1: But I don't know if that's a friend. I found

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Speaker 1: in this day and age, we really don't know how

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Speaker 1: to be truly friends because the minute you disagree with somebody,

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Speaker 1: the first thing they say is, oh, you a hater.

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Speaker 1: You The truth of the matter is just because somebody

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Speaker 1: disagrees with you, right, it don't mean they're right. That

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Speaker 1: doesn't mean they're a hater. Absolutely. I mean people are

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Speaker 1: entited of their opinion. They may just really be offering

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Speaker 1: you some constructives criticism. And then at that point you

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Speaker 1: hadn't have to self reflect now and be like, man,

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Speaker 1: is there any truth to what they say? And this

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Speaker 1: is not something that you take from anyone. It has

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Speaker 1: to be someone who you value their opinion. If this

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Speaker 1: person is someone that you call a friend, and they

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Speaker 1: can gain that title from you, because I would say

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Speaker 1: that your friend is someone you think highly of, for

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Speaker 1: someone that you enjoy being around. And if that's the case,

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Speaker 1: you might want to self reflect and to say maybe

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Speaker 1: they there's like the truth to what they're saying. Absolutely,

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Speaker 1: you know? Um? And Unluckily I feel like with us.

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Speaker 1: We have a handful of solid friends that you know

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Speaker 1: whenever things are going on, or if we ever need

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Speaker 1: to support or when you feedback. These are that solid

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Speaker 1: group of people that you feel comfortable with speaking to

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Speaker 1: because you know it's coming from a good place. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I mean a lot of times, I don't think it

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Speaker 1: ever comes from a bad place. But what happens is

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00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:13,080
Speaker 1: is we're conditioned now to only want to hear good

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Speaker 1: things about ourselves. So the minute you hear something bad,

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Speaker 1: you start to question if this person is on your side.

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Speaker 1: The seeking validation thing. Seeking lives on Instagram things like that.

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Speaker 1: It kind of like funnels off into different areas of life, right.

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Speaker 1: So conversely, you don't want to offend your friend, so

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Speaker 1: you you know what, I'm not going to tell them

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Speaker 1: because it really is in my business. So you get

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Speaker 1: in this cycle of always throwing compliments and not really

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Speaker 1: being honest and and and I see that a lot,

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Speaker 1: Like a lot of the friends that I have now

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Speaker 1: I've gotten two huge arguments with because they've said things

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Speaker 1: about me or to me that at the time I

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Speaker 1: didn't like. But I'm still friends with them because they

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Speaker 1: were being honestly. And I still funk with them, you

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Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. So we can even you can

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Speaker 1: tell me something and we can disagree, and we can arguing,

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Speaker 1: debate a debate yet, but one thing is that I

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Speaker 1: know is that that person got my back, right, you

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00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:03,159
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. I have friends like that. I

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Speaker 1: have I have friends that we don't get along with everything.

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Speaker 1: We argue all the time, but I love them because

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Speaker 1: they'll be honest and you'll tell me like, I don't know,

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Speaker 1: I don't know about that. I mean. And then there's

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Speaker 1: people who you outgrow over time. And you think about

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Speaker 1: people who you've known. I mean, I've known you for

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Speaker 1: seventeen years, and I've seen people kind of you know,

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Speaker 1: who are there in the beginning or not here anymore,

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Speaker 1: and you tend to outgrow people. Um, So how do

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Speaker 1: you know, like when when it's worth working on a relationship,

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Speaker 1: do you believe that people just outgrow each other or

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Speaker 1: they can kind of grow together sometimes? You know, sometimes

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Speaker 1: you don't realize that you're in a toxic relationship until

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Speaker 1: you're open to to seeing how people move. Right. I

393
00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:42,000
Speaker 1: think about um, when I think of relationships in general,

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00:19:42,040 --> 00:19:44,120
Speaker 1: I think about the level of care that goes into

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Speaker 1: a relationship. How much do I care about this person?

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Speaker 1: How much do I care to work on this relationship,

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Speaker 1: how much do I care to let this go? How

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Speaker 1: will I be affected if I let go of this relationship?

399
00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:01,080
Speaker 1: And when I think of out the level of care

400
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:04,920
Speaker 1: that goes into these relationships, my work environment, the story

401
00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:07,840
Speaker 1: I told, it was easy for me to just walk

402
00:20:07,880 --> 00:20:10,520
Speaker 1: away from that. Though I cared about my job and

403
00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:14,119
Speaker 1: my career and my profession, at the time, I cared

404
00:20:14,119 --> 00:20:16,679
Speaker 1: more about my name and I didn't care as much

405
00:20:16,720 --> 00:20:19,040
Speaker 1: about the people who I knew were being manipulative in

406
00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:21,320
Speaker 1: the background. So it was easy for me to kind

407
00:20:21,359 --> 00:20:23,080
Speaker 1: of severtise and walk away and say, you know what,

408
00:20:23,119 --> 00:20:25,359
Speaker 1: I can get another job somewhere else, put in my

409
00:20:25,359 --> 00:20:28,520
Speaker 1: two weeks and transfer to a different location. Easy. I

410
00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:32,040
Speaker 1: think about the romantic relationships, though feelings get involved and

411
00:20:32,080 --> 00:20:34,200
Speaker 1: it's like, damn, I care about this person so much,

412
00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:36,800
Speaker 1: but I can't continue to let this happen. Or I

413
00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:39,480
Speaker 1: do you think about the friends, which is similar to

414
00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:44,040
Speaker 1: a relationship, because those are again chosen relationships that you have.

415
00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:46,320
Speaker 1: You know, the autonomy over to say, you know what,

416
00:20:46,359 --> 00:20:48,440
Speaker 1: I'm going to infuse myself into this relationship or not.

417
00:20:49,240 --> 00:20:55,760
Speaker 1: Then you have family, and then you have family and

418
00:20:56,040 --> 00:20:58,880
Speaker 1: the level of cares there usually because that's a family

419
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Speaker 1: member and you feel like I should care about my

420
00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:04,879
Speaker 1: family member. But at the same time, too, somebody's family

421
00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:07,040
Speaker 1: members could really just suck you over because some people

422
00:21:07,080 --> 00:21:09,400
Speaker 1: ain't ship. It doesn't matter if you got the same

423
00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:11,880
Speaker 1: blood bro Like, if you ain't ship, you ain't ship.

424
00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:14,239
Speaker 1: It's crazy because I think about, even just now as

425
00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:18,359
Speaker 1: an adult, looking back on just people in my family,

426
00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:21,280
Speaker 1: um like aunts and uncles, cousins, people who at the

427
00:21:21,359 --> 00:21:24,640
Speaker 1: time I looked up to and was like WHOA, Like

428
00:21:25,080 --> 00:21:27,840
Speaker 1: they can do no wrong? They can you know, Like

429
00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:29,800
Speaker 1: this is like, oh, you almost idolize these people because

430
00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:31,560
Speaker 1: you can't wait to grow up to be like them.

431
00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:34,040
Speaker 1: And then you grow up to being an adult and

432
00:21:34,080 --> 00:21:36,800
Speaker 1: you realize they have some really ancient waits about them

433
00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:40,119
Speaker 1: and yes they're toxic and they're just human beings at

434
00:21:40,119 --> 00:21:42,320
Speaker 1: the end of the day. This this is what I

435
00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:46,320
Speaker 1: realized about that in those situations, right, you're always going

436
00:21:46,359 --> 00:21:49,120
Speaker 1: to have people and everybody has a level of toxicity

437
00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:52,800
Speaker 1: in them, everybody, myself included. I remember I can recall

438
00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:55,920
Speaker 1: times where I was being toxic. Didn't even realize that

439
00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:58,520
Speaker 1: I was being toxic until afterwards. I was like, damn,

440
00:21:58,880 --> 00:22:02,080
Speaker 1: I should have never did that. But you can tell

441
00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:04,680
Speaker 1: when people are genuine, and a lot of times toxicity

442
00:22:04,760 --> 00:22:07,480
Speaker 1: comes from people having their own insecurities and their own

443
00:22:07,600 --> 00:22:10,880
Speaker 1: unhappiness about where they are in life. When you look

444
00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:13,320
Speaker 1: at your friends, or your family, or your significant others

445
00:22:13,359 --> 00:22:16,720
Speaker 1: and you see someone who is just unhappy all the

446
00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:19,920
Speaker 1: time and they're making moves in an unhappy way, more

447
00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:24,840
Speaker 1: than likely they're being toxic. Happy people are not toxic

448
00:22:25,040 --> 00:22:28,440
Speaker 1: because they're happy, content with where they may be their

449
00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:30,840
Speaker 1: life at that point in time. Exactly. There's a lot

450
00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:33,440
Speaker 1: of people in the world who exist in that space

451
00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:36,200
Speaker 1: because they don't know how to find happiness. So misery

452
00:22:36,240 --> 00:22:38,879
Speaker 1: loves company. When people don't know how to find happiness,

453
00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:41,640
Speaker 1: they just want to make everybody else miserable so they

454
00:22:41,640 --> 00:22:43,800
Speaker 1: can find a way to coexist with all these people

455
00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:46,440
Speaker 1: who seem to have found their version of happiness. Now,

456
00:22:46,520 --> 00:22:49,040
Speaker 1: what I found out in my life is that since

457
00:22:49,119 --> 00:22:53,159
Speaker 1: everyone has a level of toxicity, even yourself, you have

458
00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:56,879
Speaker 1: to measure who provides value in your life. If someone

459
00:22:56,920 --> 00:23:00,199
Speaker 1: provides a level of toxicity in your life, sometimes for

460
00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:03,560
Speaker 1: the majority of the time, they're they're filling you up

461
00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:06,840
Speaker 1: with joy and excitement, and they're giving things, and they're

462
00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:09,439
Speaker 1: happy for you, and they're allowing you to grow. You

463
00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:11,760
Speaker 1: can get past certain toxic things that they do, because

464
00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:16,080
Speaker 1: no one is perfect. But when the toxicity outweighs the happiness,

465
00:23:16,760 --> 00:23:18,520
Speaker 1: you got to let those people go because that's gonna

466
00:23:18,560 --> 00:23:20,680
Speaker 1: weigh on you. Like you, You're gonna start to feel

467
00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:22,800
Speaker 1: unhappy and even like why am I like this? It's

468
00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:26,080
Speaker 1: the people around you unloading anything on you. Absolutely, It's

469
00:23:26,119 --> 00:23:28,480
Speaker 1: the same thing with relationships. People always want to say,

470
00:23:28,480 --> 00:23:32,280
Speaker 1: oh I love this person. You cannot love a toxic person.

471
00:23:32,520 --> 00:23:34,720
Speaker 1: A toxic person will bring you down, especially if you

472
00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:38,400
Speaker 1: choose this as your life partner. Their toxicity becomes your

473
00:23:38,440 --> 00:23:41,080
Speaker 1: toxicity and you can't grow that way and you take Yeah,

474
00:23:41,119 --> 00:23:44,400
Speaker 1: it totally takes away from everything. Um, it's draining. It's

475
00:23:44,400 --> 00:23:46,719
Speaker 1: a really draining situation to be in, you know. My

476
00:23:46,840 --> 00:23:48,560
Speaker 1: very my confesition in the beginning was like, you know,

477
00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:53,800
Speaker 1: canan You've probably been toxic yourself in different relationships, you know,

478
00:23:53,880 --> 00:23:55,800
Speaker 1: throughout the span of your life. And I can probably

479
00:23:55,800 --> 00:23:57,760
Speaker 1: admit that too, because there's been times when I haven't

480
00:23:57,760 --> 00:24:00,879
Speaker 1: been unhappy with my situation or happy with my space,

481
00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:04,280
Speaker 1: and that, although it may not have been consciously, I

482
00:24:04,320 --> 00:24:07,200
Speaker 1: may have been unloading that onto someone else in my memory.

483
00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:12,640
Speaker 1: I do I feel like, you know, when I after

484
00:24:12,720 --> 00:24:17,480
Speaker 1: I had Cairo and Kaz back to back, um, I

485
00:24:17,520 --> 00:24:19,080
Speaker 1: was in a space where I felt super unhappy. I

486
00:24:19,080 --> 00:24:21,440
Speaker 1: think part of it was a little postpartum, and then

487
00:24:21,480 --> 00:24:23,399
Speaker 1: some of it was kind of like, oh what was me? Like?

488
00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:25,199
Speaker 1: I just had two back to big babies and everybody

489
00:24:25,200 --> 00:24:27,199
Speaker 1: should understand why I feel the way I feel, even

490
00:24:27,240 --> 00:24:28,639
Speaker 1: though I don't really know why I feel the way

491
00:24:28,640 --> 00:24:30,280
Speaker 1: I feel, And I was waiting for everyone to kind

492
00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:32,840
Speaker 1: of help me unpack that, and in turn, I know

493
00:24:32,880 --> 00:24:34,080
Speaker 1: you had to look at me a couple of times

494
00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:35,239
Speaker 1: and be like, YEA, why are you talking to your

495
00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:37,520
Speaker 1: mom like that? Or like why are you talking to

496
00:24:37,520 --> 00:24:39,240
Speaker 1: your sister like that? Like they're here to help you,

497
00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:41,959
Speaker 1: but instead you're like barking orders at people, and you're

498
00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:44,680
Speaker 1: not being mindful of how you sound when you say

499
00:24:44,720 --> 00:24:47,199
Speaker 1: things to people who are here trying to legitimately help you.

500
00:24:48,240 --> 00:24:51,639
Speaker 1: And I didn't realize how toxic I was being in

501
00:24:51,680 --> 00:24:54,280
Speaker 1: that circumstance because I didn't see it because I was

502
00:24:54,320 --> 00:24:56,560
Speaker 1: so wrapped up and involved and like, oh my god,

503
00:24:56,560 --> 00:24:58,280
Speaker 1: I can't believe I have all this stuff going on,

504
00:24:58,320 --> 00:25:00,320
Speaker 1: and I'm so overwhelmed and I'm so over um that

505
00:25:00,359 --> 00:25:02,640
Speaker 1: I wasn't even looking at the good that people were

506
00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:05,560
Speaker 1: trying to provide me in that space, And how a

507
00:25:05,600 --> 00:25:07,600
Speaker 1: simple gesture to just smile and say thank you and

508
00:25:07,720 --> 00:25:11,080
Speaker 1: be nice or to ask nicely for certain things could

509
00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:13,639
Speaker 1: have gotten everybody so much farther along and made the

510
00:25:13,680 --> 00:25:16,520
Speaker 1: space that much more of a healthy environment. So I

511
00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:18,359
Speaker 1: know for sure that was a time when I was

512
00:25:18,359 --> 00:25:20,680
Speaker 1: just being super toxic. And then for a second, even

513
00:25:20,680 --> 00:25:23,080
Speaker 1: in that work environment, I felt like I was coming

514
00:25:23,080 --> 00:25:25,240
Speaker 1: to that because then I got kind of petty before

515
00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:26,760
Speaker 1: I left for my maternity leave. You know, I was

516
00:25:26,760 --> 00:25:28,720
Speaker 1: getting petty, like, well, you know, I'm not gonna do

517
00:25:28,840 --> 00:25:31,240
Speaker 1: xbo z because she didn't do it, and you know

518
00:25:31,240 --> 00:25:33,800
Speaker 1: she's gonna feel it if I don't do this. And

519
00:25:33,840 --> 00:25:35,320
Speaker 1: that's funny you say that, though, because you know why

520
00:25:35,320 --> 00:25:39,159
Speaker 1: things are considered toxic because toxic things spread. Yeah, you know,

521
00:25:39,280 --> 00:25:42,240
Speaker 1: toxic things don't contain themselves. Toxics contagious else and it

522
00:25:42,320 --> 00:25:44,159
Speaker 1: touches something else and it grows and it grows so right,

523
00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:45,879
Speaker 1: I can see how you can become toxic right, No,

524
00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:48,119
Speaker 1: absolutely so, like in that work environment. And then I

525
00:25:48,119 --> 00:25:51,200
Speaker 1: think what hurt me more was that when you had

526
00:25:51,240 --> 00:25:55,240
Speaker 1: to say that, Katine, you were being super just nasty.

527
00:25:55,400 --> 00:25:58,880
Speaker 1: You're being a mean girl two people who are legitimately

528
00:25:58,920 --> 00:26:00,960
Speaker 1: like trying to help you and love of you. And

529
00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:03,000
Speaker 1: that made me super upset. Like I remember crying about

530
00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:05,879
Speaker 1: it because I was that's not what I intended, and

531
00:26:06,160 --> 00:26:08,360
Speaker 1: even though that wasn't my intent, how it was received

532
00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:10,719
Speaker 1: was something that I needed to be mindful of. And

533
00:26:10,760 --> 00:26:12,400
Speaker 1: after that, I was like, wow, I have to really

534
00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:14,679
Speaker 1: just be you know, be cognizant of the fact that

535
00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:16,440
Speaker 1: people are here to help and this is a situation

536
00:26:16,480 --> 00:26:18,800
Speaker 1: that should be joyful. It's it's post baby, and everyone

537
00:26:18,840 --> 00:26:20,359
Speaker 1: should be coming around to help and they want to

538
00:26:20,359 --> 00:26:22,760
Speaker 1: be here to help. But instead I was pushing people away,

539
00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:27,520
Speaker 1: you included by just not being a nice person. You know,

540
00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:30,600
Speaker 1: It's funny because we you know, once again at the

541
00:26:30,680 --> 00:26:34,040
Speaker 1: nfl p A Couples events, they were talking about how

542
00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:36,560
Speaker 1: do you get rid of toxic behavior? Right? Toxic behavior

543
00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:39,440
Speaker 1: starts with toxic thoughts, right when you have toxic thoughts?

544
00:26:39,480 --> 00:26:41,640
Speaker 1: How do you get rid of toxic thoughts? And then

545
00:26:41,640 --> 00:26:43,439
Speaker 1: he was saying, I forgot this. I forgot this young

546
00:26:43,480 --> 00:26:45,720
Speaker 1: man's name. His name was Anthony Anthony. It was Anthony

547
00:26:45,920 --> 00:26:49,240
Speaker 1: Anthony had said something that rings so true. Right when

548
00:26:49,280 --> 00:26:52,520
Speaker 1: you trying to think about something, they tell you to

549
00:26:52,560 --> 00:26:55,040
Speaker 1: think about something else. So he was like, count to

550
00:26:55,080 --> 00:26:57,560
Speaker 1: ten in your head. Say you go to counter tenor

551
00:26:57,560 --> 00:26:59,199
Speaker 1: your head go to count ten. And then he was like,

552
00:26:59,240 --> 00:27:02,040
Speaker 1: all right, say your A, B c's. So you're like,

553
00:27:02,040 --> 00:27:03,639
Speaker 1: I don't get it. So he's like counting to in

554
00:27:03,680 --> 00:27:06,439
Speaker 1: your head. Okay, now say ABC is out loud, So

555
00:27:06,480 --> 00:27:08,600
Speaker 1: I have to say my ABC is out loud. And

556
00:27:08,640 --> 00:27:10,280
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, I get it. The only way

557
00:27:10,640 --> 00:27:13,480
Speaker 1: I could stop counting in my head was by saying

558
00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:17,040
Speaker 1: it out loud. It stopped the thoughts. So, if you're

559
00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:20,000
Speaker 1: having negative thoughts, if you speak positive thoughts, that's what

560
00:27:20,040 --> 00:27:23,919
Speaker 1: they talk about words of affirmation and speaking things, speak

561
00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:27,359
Speaker 1: positive thoughts. It allows your brain to stop focusing on

562
00:27:27,440 --> 00:27:31,320
Speaker 1: negative And that is so true. That's how we can

563
00:27:31,359 --> 00:27:34,000
Speaker 1: break free in these toxic from these toxics really pretty

564
00:27:34,040 --> 00:27:36,760
Speaker 1: much literally, and it starts with yourself. The only way

565
00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:40,560
Speaker 1: you can break free from toxicity is knowing that you're toxic,

566
00:27:40,600 --> 00:27:44,479
Speaker 1: to finding out how you're toxic. You realizing that you're toxic,

567
00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:46,720
Speaker 1: breaking yourself free in toxicity, then you'll be able to

568
00:27:46,720 --> 00:27:48,920
Speaker 1: see who around you is being toxic. And it starts

569
00:27:48,920 --> 00:27:51,199
Speaker 1: with words of affirmation, waking up in the morning and

570
00:27:51,240 --> 00:27:53,000
Speaker 1: saying stuff like there was a point in my life

571
00:27:53,040 --> 00:27:55,679
Speaker 1: where I remember I wrote the mission statement, and this

572
00:27:55,800 --> 00:27:58,040
Speaker 1: when I was lost. When I was lost in my life,

573
00:27:58,119 --> 00:28:01,320
Speaker 1: just retired, dealing with pain, addiction, trying to figure out

574
00:28:01,320 --> 00:28:02,840
Speaker 1: how to get into the TV film and build a business.

575
00:28:02,840 --> 00:28:04,280
Speaker 1: I used to wake up in the morning, go into

576
00:28:04,280 --> 00:28:07,000
Speaker 1: the bathroom and say, each day I work to build

577
00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:09,800
Speaker 1: a legacy, not to be defined by my greatness, but

578
00:28:09,840 --> 00:28:12,600
Speaker 1: by the masses I inspired to be greater than myself.

579
00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:17,359
Speaker 1: I said that every single day for about two years,

580
00:28:18,359 --> 00:28:21,160
Speaker 1: and anytime I get lost now I say that because

581
00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:23,280
Speaker 1: that's my purpose. So that's about to say, what does

582
00:28:23,280 --> 00:28:24,840
Speaker 1: that do for you? Saying and allowed? It just kind

583
00:28:24,880 --> 00:28:27,520
Speaker 1: of reiterates what your purposes and why you're doing what

584
00:28:27,560 --> 00:28:30,440
Speaker 1: you do, and what it does is deflect from what's

585
00:28:30,440 --> 00:28:32,639
Speaker 1: going on. Sometimes you wake up with bad thoughts like

586
00:28:32,680 --> 00:28:34,080
Speaker 1: there were times I used to wake up and I'm like,

587
00:28:34,160 --> 00:28:35,520
Speaker 1: I don't know if I should do TV. And I'm

588
00:28:35,560 --> 00:28:37,520
Speaker 1: never going to be an actor. I'm never gonna make

589
00:28:37,600 --> 00:28:39,400
Speaker 1: enough money to support my wife. I'm never going And

590
00:28:39,400 --> 00:28:41,760
Speaker 1: then all these thoughts start to come and come and come,

591
00:28:41,840 --> 00:28:44,080
Speaker 1: and as there were times when I used to go

592
00:28:44,160 --> 00:28:45,640
Speaker 1: into bathroom and just locked the doing, You'd be like,

593
00:28:45,760 --> 00:28:48,080
Speaker 1: value okay, and I'm like yeah, and then I've been

594
00:28:48,080 --> 00:28:50,680
Speaker 1: there thirty minutes, forty minutes, and even this morning, I

595
00:28:50,760 --> 00:28:52,120
Speaker 1: was like, what you're taking the ship of your life?

596
00:28:52,120 --> 00:28:55,640
Speaker 1: What are you doing? Get out? Sometimes I'm in there

597
00:28:56,960 --> 00:28:59,560
Speaker 1: preparing myself for the day and I cannot start my

598
00:28:59,640 --> 00:29:01,880
Speaker 1: day or being negative. That was like this morning. That

599
00:29:01,960 --> 00:29:03,480
Speaker 1: was this morning. I had to ask you if your

600
00:29:03,520 --> 00:29:05,680
Speaker 1: flush first though, because it was coming. It was coming

601
00:29:05,680 --> 00:29:10,480
Speaker 1: out there. It was toxic, it was it wasn't coming

602
00:29:10,480 --> 00:29:14,440
Speaker 1: out this morning. I was like that, are you okay?

603
00:29:14,680 --> 00:29:16,840
Speaker 1: It couldn't have been me. I'm vegan, Now what does

604
00:29:16,880 --> 00:29:18,720
Speaker 1: that have to do with anything? And you're such a lie.

605
00:29:18,760 --> 00:29:23,040
Speaker 1: You're not vegan. Y'all already know, and now you know

606
00:29:23,160 --> 00:29:24,920
Speaker 1: he ain't. I'm coming up with a your camera for that.

607
00:29:25,040 --> 00:29:29,400
Speaker 1: He sure ain't I'm vegan, he shared, ain't vegans poop?

608
00:29:29,440 --> 00:29:34,200
Speaker 1: Don't stink because all I eat leaves and flowers. Because

609
00:29:34,200 --> 00:29:36,440
Speaker 1: I don't want to be toxic. You don't want to

610
00:29:36,440 --> 00:29:39,080
Speaker 1: be toxic. Let me, let me tell you some examples

611
00:29:39,200 --> 00:29:47,520
Speaker 1: of how you can break from toxic relationships and toxic booty.

612
00:29:49,120 --> 00:29:53,800
Speaker 1: Tell people how you really feel. Back to honesty, respect

613
00:29:53,840 --> 00:29:57,560
Speaker 1: your feelings, and make your mental health a priority. Hello,

614
00:29:58,000 --> 00:30:00,719
Speaker 1: that's exactly what you just said. You can get a priority,

615
00:30:00,720 --> 00:30:04,160
Speaker 1: whether it's affirmations, whether it's meditating, whether it's praying, whatever

616
00:30:04,240 --> 00:30:07,640
Speaker 1: you find that can censure yourself. I'm listening. Why not listening?

617
00:30:08,120 --> 00:30:13,360
Speaker 1: Speak from your place of truth? That's that's yeah, that

618
00:30:13,400 --> 00:30:16,360
Speaker 1: feels good. Set an honor. Your boundary. Boundaries are so important.

619
00:30:16,840 --> 00:30:18,480
Speaker 1: We didn't even touch on boundaries when it comes to

620
00:30:18,520 --> 00:30:22,600
Speaker 1: because we can do a whole episode on boundaries. Don't

621
00:30:22,640 --> 00:30:25,640
Speaker 1: doubt the boundaries that you've set. If they can't respect

622
00:30:25,680 --> 00:30:28,440
Speaker 1: your boundaries, they can't respect you. You know why. That's important?

623
00:30:28,520 --> 00:30:31,240
Speaker 1: I just wanna stop. That's important because people often ask

624
00:30:31,320 --> 00:30:34,720
Speaker 1: this question, should I feel a way about this? That's

625
00:30:34,760 --> 00:30:37,440
Speaker 1: not even a question. If something somebody does to you

626
00:30:37,560 --> 00:30:40,160
Speaker 1: make you feel a way, then you feel a way

627
00:30:40,160 --> 00:30:41,840
Speaker 1: about it, like, that's just the way it is. No

628
00:30:41,840 --> 00:30:43,680
Speaker 1: one can tell you how you're supposed to feel. And

629
00:30:43,680 --> 00:30:45,280
Speaker 1: if you're asking me, should I feel a way? Chances

630
00:30:45,280 --> 00:30:47,200
Speaker 1: are you do feel already feel a way, And there's

631
00:30:47,200 --> 00:30:49,200
Speaker 1: nothing wrong with feeling in a way. But what you

632
00:30:49,280 --> 00:30:51,200
Speaker 1: do with that feeling is then on you if you

633
00:30:51,280 --> 00:30:53,680
Speaker 1: express it to them. If you express that you feel

634
00:30:53,680 --> 00:30:55,200
Speaker 1: a way about this, and now you give them a

635
00:30:55,280 --> 00:30:57,440
Speaker 1: choice to stop making you feel that way, then you

636
00:30:57,480 --> 00:30:58,760
Speaker 1: know if you have a true friend or not. If

637
00:30:58,760 --> 00:31:01,080
Speaker 1: they're just like would you feel that's not a true friend?

638
00:31:01,120 --> 00:31:03,560
Speaker 1: That person toxic and you need to move on. And

639
00:31:03,560 --> 00:31:05,680
Speaker 1: that brings me to my life's point. Leave the relationship.

640
00:31:06,120 --> 00:31:08,520
Speaker 1: Sometimes you just have to know when to walk away.

641
00:31:08,760 --> 00:31:11,120
Speaker 1: No relationship is worth making you feel bad about yourself.

642
00:31:11,160 --> 00:31:13,920
Speaker 1: If the person isn't willing to hold themselves accountable or

643
00:31:14,000 --> 00:31:17,240
Speaker 1: take positive action to improve the relationship, It is not

644
00:31:17,360 --> 00:31:20,520
Speaker 1: on you to mend things. We'll be trying to fix

645
00:31:20,600 --> 00:31:24,080
Speaker 1: everybody life. Sometimes that's that's true, But I would say this,

646
00:31:24,240 --> 00:31:27,800
Speaker 1: it's not on you alone to mend things. It's on

647
00:31:27,880 --> 00:31:30,680
Speaker 1: you together, because it's not on them alone to mend things.

648
00:31:30,720 --> 00:31:34,240
Speaker 1: Neither however, but it has to be willing to be mended.

649
00:31:34,400 --> 00:31:37,600
Speaker 1: Your control of you. Yes, you are on control of you,

650
00:31:37,640 --> 00:31:40,320
Speaker 1: not them, so you know. And and the thing is,

651
00:31:40,360 --> 00:31:45,200
Speaker 1: there's a power in setting boundaries, being honest and speaking

652
00:31:45,240 --> 00:31:48,880
Speaker 1: your truth. This is who I am, period, this is

653
00:31:48,920 --> 00:31:51,600
Speaker 1: who I am. I'm allowing you to see who I

654
00:31:51,600 --> 00:31:54,120
Speaker 1: am in my whole self. If you make a choice

655
00:31:54,120 --> 00:31:57,520
Speaker 1: to be around me, then that's your choice. Don't expect

656
00:31:57,560 --> 00:31:59,720
Speaker 1: me to behave any differently because you can make a

657
00:31:59,800 --> 00:32:01,360
Speaker 1: choice to not be around and then I have a

658
00:32:01,440 --> 00:32:05,040
Speaker 1: choice to accept you being around me or not, yes,

659
00:32:05,160 --> 00:32:07,520
Speaker 1: vice versa. Isn't that what happened? Yo? I swear, I

660
00:32:07,560 --> 00:32:09,880
Speaker 1: swear everything. When I turned thirty is when I had

661
00:32:09,920 --> 00:32:12,520
Speaker 1: a reawakening of life. And so they could deem I

662
00:32:13,720 --> 00:32:18,000
Speaker 1: but whatever, just for the sake of this hypothetically hypothetical today.

663
00:32:18,040 --> 00:32:21,640
Speaker 1: But then I go back to when the podcast over.

664
00:32:22,480 --> 00:32:25,920
Speaker 1: So when I hypothetically turned thirty, I had an awakening

665
00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:28,280
Speaker 1: on life that I was no longer going to live

666
00:32:28,320 --> 00:32:30,240
Speaker 1: the way people wanted me to live or the way

667
00:32:30,360 --> 00:32:32,800
Speaker 1: I thought people wanted me to live. I just said,

668
00:32:33,400 --> 00:32:36,600
Speaker 1: fuck it, I'm gonna be me, and I wanted to

669
00:32:36,640 --> 00:32:39,000
Speaker 1: do that with you because I wanted to just be

670
00:32:39,120 --> 00:32:42,240
Speaker 1: myself around my wife, because I felt like both of

671
00:32:42,320 --> 00:32:44,920
Speaker 1: our behavior was becoming very toxic. We were both being

672
00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:48,000
Speaker 1: very petty. We were doing things to to ourselves on

673
00:32:48,600 --> 00:32:50,880
Speaker 1: to each other on purpose to try to nit pick

674
00:32:50,920 --> 00:32:52,480
Speaker 1: and get at each other. So I said, you know what,

675
00:32:52,520 --> 00:32:54,520
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna start being me. If she fun with me,

676
00:32:54,600 --> 00:32:56,240
Speaker 1: she fun with me. If not, that we're gonna have

677
00:32:56,240 --> 00:32:58,360
Speaker 1: to make decisions and whether we want to be together

678
00:32:58,440 --> 00:33:01,640
Speaker 1: or not. Relations title to grow and they're entitles to

679
00:33:01,720 --> 00:33:04,120
Speaker 1: change and what the true test is if you can

680
00:33:04,120 --> 00:33:07,840
Speaker 1: grow and change together through this and um and yeah.

681
00:33:07,960 --> 00:33:09,840
Speaker 1: So once de Vel kind of presented me with this,

682
00:33:09,920 --> 00:33:11,360
Speaker 1: like you know, this is me, this is what it is.

683
00:33:11,400 --> 00:33:13,720
Speaker 1: I'm tired of living this facade of what I think

684
00:33:13,800 --> 00:33:16,440
Speaker 1: people and you want me to do. It's amazing how

685
00:33:16,520 --> 00:33:18,719
Speaker 1: much of a weight was lifted off both of us.

686
00:33:18,920 --> 00:33:20,840
Speaker 1: And it was a presentation like that though it was

687
00:33:21,000 --> 00:33:23,800
Speaker 1: we sat down. It was sat down, and I was like, yo,

688
00:33:23,840 --> 00:33:26,000
Speaker 1: this is how I feel. I just I just want

689
00:33:26,000 --> 00:33:27,480
Speaker 1: to let you notice and where I'm coming from. I'm

690
00:33:27,480 --> 00:33:32,760
Speaker 1: gonna start moving this way. And then she was just like, okay,

691
00:33:32,840 --> 00:33:35,200
Speaker 1: so let's see how I go because I'm gonna start

692
00:33:35,200 --> 00:33:37,640
Speaker 1: moving this way right. It was kind of freeing for

693
00:33:37,680 --> 00:33:39,680
Speaker 1: me too, because sometimes you know, when you're within the

694
00:33:39,680 --> 00:33:41,680
Speaker 1: confines of a relationship, I should say confract, when you

695
00:33:41,800 --> 00:33:44,120
Speaker 1: choose to be in a relationship, a lot of what

696
00:33:44,160 --> 00:33:46,960
Speaker 1: you do or don't do is thinking with the terms

697
00:33:47,000 --> 00:33:49,440
Speaker 1: of like trying to appease somebody. At the same time,

698
00:33:49,920 --> 00:33:52,040
Speaker 1: you know, you kind of dance sometimes around certain things

699
00:33:52,080 --> 00:33:55,160
Speaker 1: because it's like, oh and toxic, this compromising or is

700
00:33:55,200 --> 00:33:59,040
Speaker 1: this me you know, compromising how I feel in a circumstance,

701
00:33:59,040 --> 00:34:01,640
Speaker 1: and this then can be detriment, detriment to me because

702
00:34:01,880 --> 00:34:04,520
Speaker 1: resentment will build or you know, So at that point

703
00:34:04,600 --> 00:34:05,960
Speaker 1: I had to be like, all right, Kadeen, is this

704
00:34:06,000 --> 00:34:08,520
Speaker 1: something that you're willing to deal with? And again going

705
00:34:08,560 --> 00:34:10,920
Speaker 1: back to choices, which we say after the almost every episode,

706
00:34:11,120 --> 00:34:13,400
Speaker 1: it goes back to then giving me the choice to decide,

707
00:34:13,440 --> 00:34:15,640
Speaker 1: am I going to then now appreciate and love and

708
00:34:15,680 --> 00:34:18,719
Speaker 1: accepted out for who he is? Or um, you know,

709
00:34:19,280 --> 00:34:21,160
Speaker 1: is it something that's not worth working towards as a

710
00:34:21,160 --> 00:34:23,920
Speaker 1: couple anymore? And to be honest, that revelation for the

711
00:34:23,960 --> 00:34:27,399
Speaker 1: both of us brought us so much closer together. Once.

712
00:34:27,480 --> 00:34:30,279
Speaker 1: Once we had that revelation, that's when our not only

713
00:34:30,320 --> 00:34:33,319
Speaker 1: did our lives start to grow um together, but they

714
00:34:33,320 --> 00:34:36,320
Speaker 1: also grew individually. She started doing better in her career,

715
00:34:36,680 --> 00:34:38,640
Speaker 1: I was doing better in my career because we both

716
00:34:38,640 --> 00:34:40,680
Speaker 1: felt free, flourished. Yeah, and we're able to get on

717
00:34:40,719 --> 00:34:42,920
Speaker 1: the same page too, because at that point we were

718
00:34:42,920 --> 00:34:45,279
Speaker 1: talking about the next the next way we can then

719
00:34:45,320 --> 00:34:48,520
Speaker 1: get our careers to kind of take it to another level,

720
00:34:48,680 --> 00:34:51,000
Speaker 1: you know, you being an actor, me being you know,

721
00:34:51,040 --> 00:34:53,680
Speaker 1: an actress and on camera television and all that entire

722
00:34:54,000 --> 00:34:55,600
Speaker 1: you know, feel that we were both trying to kind

723
00:34:55,600 --> 00:34:58,839
Speaker 1: of launch and propel ourselves into We were now able

724
00:34:58,880 --> 00:35:00,799
Speaker 1: to speak about that open me and be on the

725
00:35:00,840 --> 00:35:04,360
Speaker 1: same page, so we can build a plan, you know,

726
00:35:04,440 --> 00:35:06,239
Speaker 1: build a narrative about what we wanted to do. And

727
00:35:06,280 --> 00:35:08,680
Speaker 1: that's how social media became about. And and here we

728
00:35:08,719 --> 00:35:10,440
Speaker 1: are today. We'll have a podcast and we're able to

729
00:35:10,440 --> 00:35:12,800
Speaker 1: talk to you about this stuff that was just an idea,

730
00:35:13,360 --> 00:35:15,680
Speaker 1: you know, like five years ago. Because of the freedom

731
00:35:15,719 --> 00:35:19,279
Speaker 1: to be ourselves and to not feel judged by each

732
00:35:19,320 --> 00:35:22,560
Speaker 1: other first and then by everyone else, right, and getting

733
00:35:22,640 --> 00:35:24,719
Speaker 1: rid of those thoughts that could have been toxic and

734
00:35:24,760 --> 00:35:27,279
Speaker 1: could have just kind of taken us a stray, you know,

735
00:35:27,400 --> 00:35:29,600
Speaker 1: or kept us in an unhappy space. And I mean,

736
00:35:29,640 --> 00:35:31,799
Speaker 1: no love is worth the sacrifice of your physical or

737
00:35:31,800 --> 00:35:34,640
Speaker 1: emotional well being, to be honest. So so I mean

738
00:35:34,640 --> 00:35:37,960
Speaker 1: I think there's ways to kind of um, there's benefits

739
00:35:38,000 --> 00:35:41,000
Speaker 1: to creating healthy boundaries, you know when it comes to

740
00:35:41,040 --> 00:35:45,560
Speaker 1: you and just protecting yourself with these toxic forces around us,

741
00:35:45,880 --> 00:35:47,160
Speaker 1: you know, how do you create your own little force

742
00:35:47,200 --> 00:35:50,400
Speaker 1: field to protect yourself. Well, the first thing that I've learned,

743
00:35:50,440 --> 00:35:52,520
Speaker 1: and I've learned this recently from Donora. She said that

744
00:35:52,560 --> 00:35:55,040
Speaker 1: she started to create boundaries first by time right. She

745
00:35:55,120 --> 00:35:58,439
Speaker 1: only allows people certain access to her during the times

746
00:35:58,440 --> 00:36:01,040
Speaker 1: where she's prepared to take in. The people shout out

747
00:36:02,440 --> 00:36:05,280
Speaker 1: this was a great tip. She said that on her phone,

748
00:36:05,400 --> 00:36:07,480
Speaker 1: she puts it on do not disturb as soon as

749
00:36:07,520 --> 00:36:10,799
Speaker 1: it hits I think eleven PM, because that's her time

750
00:36:10,840 --> 00:36:13,520
Speaker 1: to focus on her So now her phone is not

751
00:36:13,520 --> 00:36:15,400
Speaker 1: going to ring at eleven pm and anyone can come

752
00:36:15,440 --> 00:36:17,640
Speaker 1: in and just take access to her time. Damn you,

753
00:36:17,880 --> 00:36:20,279
Speaker 1: So if I text you at one am, I'm not

754
00:36:20,480 --> 00:36:22,600
Speaker 1: you don't like you, You don't want to hear from you, hey,

755
00:36:22,680 --> 00:36:25,880
Speaker 1: I respect your spaces. I get it. I get it.

756
00:36:26,320 --> 00:36:30,439
Speaker 1: And then communicating thoughts not assuming. I think that's another

757
00:36:30,480 --> 00:36:34,320
Speaker 1: super important point, you know, because think about the things

758
00:36:34,640 --> 00:36:36,719
Speaker 1: and the way your mind works when you start to

759
00:36:36,760 --> 00:36:40,960
Speaker 1: assume things and the stories and the sonnets and the

760
00:36:41,040 --> 00:36:44,120
Speaker 1: high coups that you building your head and it may

761
00:36:44,160 --> 00:36:46,759
Speaker 1: not even be because you're being all poet. I mean,

762
00:36:47,000 --> 00:36:48,840
Speaker 1: you know, I learned that in one of those grades.

763
00:36:49,400 --> 00:36:50,919
Speaker 1: But I'm just saying you think about what you build

764
00:36:50,920 --> 00:36:53,480
Speaker 1: in your own mind, this whole story and this whole

765
00:36:53,520 --> 00:36:55,080
Speaker 1: narrative that may not even be true, And it'd be

766
00:36:55,080 --> 00:36:57,520
Speaker 1: simple if you just communicate what it is, take it

767
00:36:57,560 --> 00:37:01,320
Speaker 1: for what it is, and keep it pushing, you know, yes, ma'am.

768
00:37:01,400 --> 00:37:05,440
Speaker 1: And then there's a responsibility factor, be responsible for your

769
00:37:05,440 --> 00:37:08,040
Speaker 1: own actions, like you said, knowing when you may be

770
00:37:08,160 --> 00:37:10,640
Speaker 1: the toxic person and don't want to hear that though, no,

771
00:37:10,719 --> 00:37:12,360
Speaker 1: they don't want to hear it. But I think a

772
00:37:12,360 --> 00:37:15,680
Speaker 1: lot of self reflection goes into this whole episode of toxicity.

773
00:37:15,719 --> 00:37:18,360
Speaker 1: It's like you got to realize, you know, what is

774
00:37:18,400 --> 00:37:20,440
Speaker 1: my what are my intentions here? How am I feeling here?

775
00:37:20,440 --> 00:37:22,440
Speaker 1: And how can that be projected on someone? Let me

776
00:37:22,480 --> 00:37:25,239
Speaker 1: tell you that what I learned about being responsible for

777
00:37:25,280 --> 00:37:29,239
Speaker 1: your own actions, right, being a professional athlete, even before that,

778
00:37:29,320 --> 00:37:31,640
Speaker 1: being a college athlete taught me the most about being

779
00:37:31,640 --> 00:37:33,400
Speaker 1: responsible for your own actions. And I'm gonna tell you

780
00:37:33,480 --> 00:37:37,239
Speaker 1: how they filmed everything in sports. Right, they say that

781
00:37:37,320 --> 00:37:39,359
Speaker 1: eye and the sky don't lie. They film practice. They

782
00:37:39,360 --> 00:37:41,560
Speaker 1: film all of these reps. Right. So you go out

783
00:37:41,600 --> 00:37:44,200
Speaker 1: there every day and you play receiver, and they tell

784
00:37:44,200 --> 00:37:47,400
Speaker 1: you it hitches at how many yards? It's at seven yards.

785
00:37:47,840 --> 00:37:49,839
Speaker 1: So you run this hits, you run to seven yards,

786
00:37:49,840 --> 00:37:52,759
Speaker 1: you turn around, you catch the football, right, you run,

787
00:37:52,920 --> 00:37:54,880
Speaker 1: you turn around, the ball doesn't come. You get screened

788
00:37:54,880 --> 00:37:57,759
Speaker 1: at what are you doing? Like, I did everything right,

789
00:37:57,880 --> 00:37:59,600
Speaker 1: I ran seven yards. I don't know why he didn't

790
00:37:59,600 --> 00:38:01,440
Speaker 1: throw the ball. You and the coach are going back

791
00:38:01,440 --> 00:38:03,359
Speaker 1: and forth. The coach and you ran seven yards. He's like, yes,

792
00:38:03,480 --> 00:38:05,239
Speaker 1: I'm telling you, I ran seven yards. Then you get

793
00:38:05,239 --> 00:38:08,640
Speaker 1: back in the film room, you watch film of yourself

794
00:38:08,640 --> 00:38:12,360
Speaker 1: and you realize that you only ran six yards and

795
00:38:12,440 --> 00:38:14,600
Speaker 1: see what I'm saying. And then but in your mind,

796
00:38:15,640 --> 00:38:17,840
Speaker 1: because you didn't have self reflection in your mind, you

797
00:38:17,880 --> 00:38:19,439
Speaker 1: knew that you were in seven yards and it wasn't

798
00:38:19,440 --> 00:38:21,400
Speaker 1: so you were able to see yourself from someone else's

799
00:38:21,440 --> 00:38:26,000
Speaker 1: perspective that you say, ah, right, because you're You're every

800
00:38:26,040 --> 00:38:29,480
Speaker 1: intention in you was to run them seven yards, every

801
00:38:29,520 --> 00:38:31,839
Speaker 1: intention to run seven yards to get that first down.

802
00:38:31,840 --> 00:38:36,360
Speaker 1: But believe in yourself to a fault. And people do

803
00:38:36,440 --> 00:38:38,440
Speaker 1: that every day, and it has nothing to do with hitches,

804
00:38:38,440 --> 00:38:40,880
Speaker 1: has nothing to do with football, but people in themselves

805
00:38:40,960 --> 00:38:43,200
Speaker 1: believing themselves every day that they're doing everything in their

806
00:38:43,200 --> 00:38:45,480
Speaker 1: power the right way. And if the Eye and the

807
00:38:45,520 --> 00:38:47,520
Speaker 1: Sky was recording them, they could show them how many

808
00:38:47,560 --> 00:38:50,799
Speaker 1: times you didn't do what you intended on doing. And

809
00:38:50,840 --> 00:38:52,520
Speaker 1: that's not that you did try to do it wrong,

810
00:38:52,560 --> 00:38:56,560
Speaker 1: but you didn't do because the Eye and the Sky

811
00:38:56,680 --> 00:39:00,560
Speaker 1: don't lie. Guy, Hey, you know what it's takeaway is

812
00:39:00,600 --> 00:39:03,520
Speaker 1: from me from this show. You can't infuse yourself in

813
00:39:03,560 --> 00:39:06,680
Speaker 1: the toxic situation and make it non toxic. You can

814
00:39:06,680 --> 00:39:09,000
Speaker 1: only remove yourself from it. Stop trying, because this is

815
00:39:09,000 --> 00:39:10,600
Speaker 1: what a lot of people do. A lot of people

816
00:39:10,640 --> 00:39:13,120
Speaker 1: think they can save the day, They can save this person,

817
00:39:13,120 --> 00:39:17,000
Speaker 1: they can save that situation. You can't. The intentions are good,

818
00:39:17,000 --> 00:39:19,960
Speaker 1: but yes, when you've noticed that something is completely toxic,

819
00:39:21,120 --> 00:39:23,960
Speaker 1: just avoided it all costs because there's nothing you can say.

820
00:39:23,960 --> 00:39:26,520
Speaker 1: Your dude is going to change that situation, right, look

821
00:39:26,560 --> 00:39:29,239
Speaker 1: at that. That's a nice little little discussion hearing out

822
00:39:30,040 --> 00:39:31,680
Speaker 1: talk about it. And I hope you know, anyone who's

823
00:39:31,719 --> 00:39:33,759
Speaker 1: listening now, if you have those relationships where you feel

824
00:39:33,760 --> 00:39:35,720
Speaker 1: like are kind of on the fence, that you revisit

825
00:39:35,760 --> 00:39:37,680
Speaker 1: them and you know if it's worth sticking around for

826
00:39:37,800 --> 00:39:40,279
Speaker 1: in the person in the other in the relationship with

827
00:39:40,320 --> 00:39:42,600
Speaker 1: you is willing to then speak with you about it,

828
00:39:42,640 --> 00:39:44,879
Speaker 1: and you guys are able to you know, hash out

829
00:39:44,880 --> 00:39:47,200
Speaker 1: some things and it can be worth holding onto if

830
00:39:47,239 --> 00:39:53,120
Speaker 1: not another one bite the dust, another one bite to dust.

831
00:39:54,000 --> 00:39:55,520
Speaker 1: That's the only part of that song I know, but

832
00:39:55,520 --> 00:39:59,200
Speaker 1: it exactly. We're gonna take a quick break now and

833
00:39:59,280 --> 00:40:03,080
Speaker 1: move into listener letters after we get into some ads.

834
00:40:09,760 --> 00:40:14,319
Speaker 1: This for the record, there it is a win for

835
00:40:14,400 --> 00:40:19,760
Speaker 1: the ages. Tiger Woods is one of our most inspiring

836
00:40:19,920 --> 00:40:24,160
Speaker 1: sports icons. In his story, it comes with many chapters.

837
00:40:24,719 --> 00:40:29,280
Speaker 1: I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior,

838
00:40:29,920 --> 00:40:37,360
Speaker 1: but here it is. They'll return to glory. This is

839
00:40:37,400 --> 00:40:41,000
Speaker 1: All American, a new series from Stitcher hosted by me

840
00:40:41,520 --> 00:40:44,160
Speaker 1: Jordan Bell. You realized Tiger Wood doesn't know who he

841
00:40:44,239 --> 00:40:48,240
Speaker 1: is in the history of Gaul no question in my mind.

842
00:40:49,960 --> 00:40:52,560
Speaker 1: And this season, with the help of journalist Albert Chen,

843
00:40:53,480 --> 00:40:57,360
Speaker 1: we're asking what if the story of Tiger Woods that

844
00:40:57,440 --> 00:41:02,640
Speaker 1: the media has been telling, what if it's been completely wrong?

845
00:41:03,120 --> 00:41:06,480
Speaker 1: All American Tiger is out now. Listen and Stitcher, Apple

846
00:41:06,560 --> 00:41:14,440
Speaker 1: Podcasts or your favorite podcast app listener letters. I get

847
00:41:14,440 --> 00:41:15,799
Speaker 1: a lot of d m s. I can't answer them

848
00:41:15,800 --> 00:41:18,600
Speaker 1: because they come in so fast, but we do read

849
00:41:18,600 --> 00:41:21,640
Speaker 1: the emails, and these are my favorite part of the

850
00:41:21,680 --> 00:41:24,840
Speaker 1: show because we get to interact with you guys. Absolutely.

851
00:41:25,440 --> 00:41:27,680
Speaker 1: That's what we have for the first question today, Question

852
00:41:27,760 --> 00:41:30,600
Speaker 1: number one. I love your podcast, Well, we love you too.

853
00:41:30,719 --> 00:41:33,319
Speaker 1: Thank you. Yes, it gives me so much insight into

854
00:41:33,400 --> 00:41:35,880
Speaker 1: love and relationships. I know you both met in college

855
00:41:35,880 --> 00:41:39,120
Speaker 1: and started the journey from there, but do you have

856
00:41:39,200 --> 00:41:41,279
Speaker 1: any advice for someone who is out of college and

857
00:41:41,360 --> 00:41:44,120
Speaker 1: wants to be taken seriously in the dating world. I

858
00:41:44,160 --> 00:41:47,120
Speaker 1: am twenty five, still a baby to some, but I

859
00:41:47,160 --> 00:41:48,880
Speaker 1: have an old soul at least I would like to

860
00:41:48,880 --> 00:41:51,919
Speaker 1: think so, and can't get with this millennial casual dating

861
00:41:51,920 --> 00:41:54,640
Speaker 1: hook up scene. It has not worked out well for me.

862
00:41:54,680 --> 00:41:57,840
Speaker 1: I catch feelings fast when sexual intimacy is involved, so

863
00:41:57,920 --> 00:42:00,720
Speaker 1: I avoid it now as I am dating. What advice

864
00:42:00,760 --> 00:42:02,680
Speaker 1: do you have for someone looking to date with the

865
00:42:02,800 --> 00:42:05,640
Speaker 1: vision of having a long term relationship in a culture

866
00:42:06,040 --> 00:42:08,560
Speaker 1: that says if you don't sleep with him, you will

867
00:42:08,600 --> 00:42:14,000
Speaker 1: lose him. Signed sexually frustrated millennial that wants a partnership.

868
00:42:14,360 --> 00:42:17,279
Speaker 1: Oh cis this sounds like a lot of the young

869
00:42:17,320 --> 00:42:20,000
Speaker 1: women that reach out to us. Yeah, no, you're absolutely right,

870
00:42:20,080 --> 00:42:22,359
Speaker 1: or just even like you know friends who we have

871
00:42:22,440 --> 00:42:24,759
Speaker 1: that are still single and still trying to find their

872
00:42:24,800 --> 00:42:27,399
Speaker 1: way and navigate this whole dating scene. It's crazy because

873
00:42:27,440 --> 00:42:29,440
Speaker 1: I feel like I can't even speak to the dating

874
00:42:29,440 --> 00:42:32,759
Speaker 1: scene nowadays. Um, I'm sure it's way different than if

875
00:42:32,760 --> 00:42:35,399
Speaker 1: I was dating in my twenties, you know, um years

876
00:42:35,400 --> 00:42:38,719
Speaker 1: ago and stuff. Um. So from what I hear, though,

877
00:42:38,760 --> 00:42:41,200
Speaker 1: it can be a very frustrating experience for a lot

878
00:42:41,239 --> 00:42:43,680
Speaker 1: of people to try to first of all, meet like

879
00:42:43,840 --> 00:42:45,879
Speaker 1: minded individuals. It's like, where do you go to meet

880
00:42:45,960 --> 00:42:48,879
Speaker 1: those people who are like minded individuals? And then from there,

881
00:42:48,960 --> 00:42:52,320
Speaker 1: how do you set boundaries? Like we spoke about earlier,

882
00:42:52,520 --> 00:42:54,880
Speaker 1: set boundaries instead of standard for what it is you're

883
00:42:54,920 --> 00:42:59,840
Speaker 1: looking for as you date casually. Um, what do you

884
00:43:00,000 --> 00:43:02,480
Speaker 1: You're on the front from guys. So we I have

885
00:43:02,560 --> 00:43:04,319
Speaker 1: this conversation a lot with the young men that I

886
00:43:04,440 --> 00:43:07,080
Speaker 1: that I talked to and speak with, and this is

887
00:43:07,120 --> 00:43:10,160
Speaker 1: this is the biggest thing, right because of where we are,

888
00:43:10,880 --> 00:43:14,719
Speaker 1: you know, socially and with the whole you know, revolution

889
00:43:14,840 --> 00:43:18,640
Speaker 1: of women's rights and women owning their sexuality. There are

890
00:43:18,680 --> 00:43:22,600
Speaker 1: a lot more women, uh in nineteen who are willing

891
00:43:22,640 --> 00:43:25,399
Speaker 1: to have open sex than there was back in the day.

892
00:43:25,719 --> 00:43:29,759
Speaker 1: So traditional values of dating just really just don't exist anymore. Um.

893
00:43:29,800 --> 00:43:32,120
Speaker 1: But what I will say is this, if you're a

894
00:43:32,120 --> 00:43:35,080
Speaker 1: woman who has standards and sets your standards right, you

895
00:43:35,200 --> 00:43:38,200
Speaker 1: have to be open to dating someone who is probably

896
00:43:38,239 --> 00:43:41,480
Speaker 1: going to date other women because they probably have other

897
00:43:41,520 --> 00:43:43,480
Speaker 1: things that they want to do. That doesn't mean you

898
00:43:43,520 --> 00:43:46,000
Speaker 1: have to compete with those other women though. So just

899
00:43:46,080 --> 00:43:48,839
Speaker 1: because they're having sex with those other women doesn't mean

900
00:43:49,239 --> 00:43:51,719
Speaker 1: that you have to have as much sex or have

901
00:43:51,840 --> 00:43:54,319
Speaker 1: sex with him to even be in the conversation I

902
00:43:54,360 --> 00:43:57,320
Speaker 1: hear from a lot of men, from young men twenty

903
00:43:57,360 --> 00:43:59,800
Speaker 1: five all the way up to forty five, that sex

904
00:44:00,320 --> 00:44:03,040
Speaker 1: or not having sex will not stop me from dating

905
00:44:03,040 --> 00:44:08,759
Speaker 1: a woman, especially if the woman is interesting and intrigues him.

906
00:44:08,800 --> 00:44:11,839
Speaker 1: So what happens is women often feel like, oh man,

907
00:44:11,880 --> 00:44:14,160
Speaker 1: he you know he's dating other women. They probably having sex.

908
00:44:14,200 --> 00:44:15,920
Speaker 1: I gotta do it, almost like you can't stand a

909
00:44:16,000 --> 00:44:18,640
Speaker 1: chance to compete with somebody like that. And women probably

910
00:44:18,680 --> 00:44:21,279
Speaker 1: feel that way. But that's not the case. And I

911
00:44:21,280 --> 00:44:25,160
Speaker 1: know I know personally from close friends, all different types

912
00:44:25,160 --> 00:44:28,279
Speaker 1: of ages, who who have dated women who were not

913
00:44:29,040 --> 00:44:31,560
Speaker 1: sleeping with them, and dating them from months who were

914
00:44:31,560 --> 00:44:33,719
Speaker 1: not sleeping with them. Of course they were having sex

915
00:44:33,719 --> 00:44:36,200
Speaker 1: with other women, but then it was like they don't

916
00:44:36,200 --> 00:44:38,560
Speaker 1: really like her. I really like her. And then it

917
00:44:38,640 --> 00:44:40,120
Speaker 1: was up to the women to say, listen, I wanted

918
00:44:40,120 --> 00:44:43,319
Speaker 1: to be exclusive. I want to be exclusive and I

919
00:44:43,320 --> 00:44:45,520
Speaker 1: want to take things seriously. And if that's the case,

920
00:44:45,560 --> 00:44:47,720
Speaker 1: I don't want you to be with any other women.

921
00:44:48,480 --> 00:44:51,040
Speaker 1: But at that point you have to be open to

922
00:44:51,200 --> 00:44:54,200
Speaker 1: what he says about that. So if you're being honest

923
00:44:54,200 --> 00:44:56,040
Speaker 1: whom and say, listen, maybe I don't want to have

924
00:44:56,120 --> 00:44:59,160
Speaker 1: sex until I get married. Maybe he's not open to that.

925
00:45:00,200 --> 00:45:02,560
Speaker 1: Maybe maybe he said, okay, so you know, I won't

926
00:45:02,600 --> 00:45:05,600
Speaker 1: have sex with anyone else, but if we're going to day,

927
00:45:05,760 --> 00:45:07,680
Speaker 1: I would like to have sex with you. If you're

928
00:45:07,680 --> 00:45:09,279
Speaker 1: not open to that, that's not the guy for you.

929
00:45:09,640 --> 00:45:11,879
Speaker 1: But you have to be open to having that conversation

930
00:45:12,760 --> 00:45:14,320
Speaker 1: and and say to him, Okay, I don't want you

931
00:45:14,360 --> 00:45:16,040
Speaker 1: to have sex with anyone else, but you know we

932
00:45:16,120 --> 00:45:18,239
Speaker 1: can move forward and be intimate or the only way

933
00:45:18,280 --> 00:45:21,759
Speaker 1: I'm willing to be intimate with you is if it's exclusive.

934
00:45:22,200 --> 00:45:24,719
Speaker 1: And I've seen men at that point make that choice

935
00:45:24,719 --> 00:45:26,439
Speaker 1: and say, you know what, I'm willing to go there.

936
00:45:26,600 --> 00:45:29,440
Speaker 1: If they're really interested in the women, they're willing to

937
00:45:29,480 --> 00:45:32,920
Speaker 1: go there. But I don't think women have taken that

938
00:45:32,960 --> 00:45:34,600
Speaker 1: they I see a lot of women because they said

939
00:45:34,640 --> 00:45:35,960
Speaker 1: to me, all he's having sex with other women, I

940
00:45:36,000 --> 00:45:37,400
Speaker 1: think I should just have sex, right. I mean, they

941
00:45:37,400 --> 00:45:39,920
Speaker 1: can be intimidating. I mean you feel like someone is

942
00:45:39,920 --> 00:45:42,280
Speaker 1: offering something that you either can't give or not willing

943
00:45:42,320 --> 00:45:44,920
Speaker 1: to give him that moment. And I can understand from

944
00:45:44,960 --> 00:45:47,880
Speaker 1: her perspective she's saying that, you know, she maybe tries

945
00:45:47,960 --> 00:45:50,359
Speaker 1: to do the whole like casual sex thing, but then

946
00:45:50,400 --> 00:45:53,239
Speaker 1: feelings get involved, you know, and then what happens Then

947
00:45:53,239 --> 00:45:55,400
Speaker 1: you get your heart broken over situation that maybe is

948
00:45:55,480 --> 00:45:57,879
Speaker 1: casual sex to him as well. You know, so having

949
00:45:57,880 --> 00:45:59,719
Speaker 1: the conversation about is this going to be casual sex

950
00:45:59,800 --> 00:46:01,759
Speaker 1: or not? Are we having sex with the intent to

951
00:46:01,800 --> 00:46:06,480
Speaker 1: potentially move the relationship into another you know area, then

952
00:46:06,520 --> 00:46:09,440
Speaker 1: that could potentially work too. And in the meantime, says Um,

953
00:46:09,719 --> 00:46:13,240
Speaker 1: hit up some you know, sex toy spots and handle

954
00:46:13,280 --> 00:46:14,799
Speaker 1: your business. However, you got to handle it in the

955
00:46:14,800 --> 00:46:17,400
Speaker 1: meantime because she didn't say that. She's also sexually frustrated

956
00:46:17,480 --> 00:46:19,759
Speaker 1: in the meantime while she's looking for this partnership right,

957
00:46:19,760 --> 00:46:21,480
Speaker 1: which means she wants to have sex and she's not.

958
00:46:21,640 --> 00:46:23,440
Speaker 1: She doesn't want to hold out to a marriage, but

959
00:46:23,520 --> 00:46:25,319
Speaker 1: she probably doesn't want to do the casual you have

960
00:46:25,360 --> 00:46:27,920
Speaker 1: sex or whoever, means she wants an exclusive relationship as

961
00:46:28,480 --> 00:46:30,600
Speaker 1: she wants an exclusive relationship and she wants someone to

962
00:46:30,640 --> 00:46:33,200
Speaker 1: respect that. I think if she if she gives the

963
00:46:33,280 --> 00:46:35,640
Speaker 1: god time to get to know her and have him

964
00:46:35,680 --> 00:46:38,840
Speaker 1: commit to being exclusive, I think she'll find somebody. Just

965
00:46:38,920 --> 00:46:41,879
Speaker 1: don't feel that you have to compete with women who

966
00:46:41,920 --> 00:46:43,600
Speaker 1: just want to have sex. You don't have to. There's

967
00:46:43,640 --> 00:46:48,680
Speaker 1: different lanes for different people. You gotta find who respects right.

968
00:46:48,840 --> 00:46:50,799
Speaker 1: That's good. Yeah, I was kind of stumped on this.

969
00:46:50,840 --> 00:46:52,279
Speaker 1: Question just because, like I said, I haven't been in

970
00:46:52,280 --> 00:46:53,600
Speaker 1: the dating scene, but I know you talked to a

971
00:46:53,640 --> 00:46:55,880
Speaker 1: lot of men who are you know, friends are just

972
00:46:55,920 --> 00:46:58,239
Speaker 1: casual conversation with guys who then tell you what they

973
00:46:58,280 --> 00:47:00,520
Speaker 1: may be looking for when their day or on the

974
00:47:00,520 --> 00:47:02,400
Speaker 1: scene as well. And and to be honest, this is

975
00:47:02,440 --> 00:47:05,400
Speaker 1: just you know, transparency. A lot of men, after you know,

976
00:47:05,440 --> 00:47:07,920
Speaker 1: having sex with multiple women's find sex to be shallow

977
00:47:08,000 --> 00:47:10,040
Speaker 1: unless it's with someone that they have a connection with.

978
00:47:11,200 --> 00:47:12,680
Speaker 1: So a lot of times they are having sex with

979
00:47:12,760 --> 00:47:15,160
Speaker 1: multiple women and having sex frequently with other women. That's

980
00:47:15,200 --> 00:47:17,799
Speaker 1: because they haven't found someone that they've connected with to

981
00:47:17,840 --> 00:47:19,680
Speaker 1: have sex with. A lot of those men say that

982
00:47:19,760 --> 00:47:22,399
Speaker 1: sex with someone you're connected to is so much more

983
00:47:23,000 --> 00:47:26,200
Speaker 1: um fulfilling than just having random sex. So you just

984
00:47:26,239 --> 00:47:28,399
Speaker 1: have to find a man who wants to have sex

985
00:47:28,440 --> 00:47:31,560
Speaker 1: with someone that has a connection. You know that it's

986
00:47:31,600 --> 00:47:34,319
Speaker 1: just that simple, and be willing to hear, because this

987
00:47:34,400 --> 00:47:35,879
Speaker 1: is something else you have to be willing to hear.

988
00:47:36,120 --> 00:47:38,160
Speaker 1: If you want him to not have sex with all

989
00:47:38,200 --> 00:47:40,359
Speaker 1: of these different women and just have sex with you,

990
00:47:40,840 --> 00:47:43,000
Speaker 1: be prepared that his sex drive maybe high and he

991
00:47:43,040 --> 00:47:45,400
Speaker 1: wants to have sex with you. A lot, because that

992
00:47:45,480 --> 00:47:48,359
Speaker 1: often becomes a topic in relationships. It starts of off

993
00:47:48,400 --> 00:47:51,040
Speaker 1: hot and heavy because he's frustrated, but then when she's

994
00:47:51,080 --> 00:47:54,160
Speaker 1: no longer frustrated and only wants to have sex once

995
00:47:54,160 --> 00:47:56,840
Speaker 1: a week, that may be an issue for him. Be

996
00:47:56,960 --> 00:48:00,600
Speaker 1: prepared to bust it down, bust it down, us it open,

997
00:48:00,960 --> 00:48:06,200
Speaker 1: or as much as I'm being honest, if you are,

998
00:48:06,320 --> 00:48:09,520
Speaker 1: if you are attracted to alpha males who work out

999
00:48:09,560 --> 00:48:12,200
Speaker 1: a lot, who love to conquer, If you're attracted to

1000
00:48:12,239 --> 00:48:17,560
Speaker 1: a devo, listen, if you know to you, if you

1001
00:48:17,560 --> 00:48:21,239
Speaker 1: know like to have sex, right, don't expect that when

1002
00:48:21,239 --> 00:48:23,319
Speaker 1: he start dating you he's just not gonna like to

1003
00:48:23,360 --> 00:48:25,120
Speaker 1: have sex. No more Like that to me is the

1004
00:48:25,120 --> 00:48:28,719
Speaker 1: most assinine thing. You knew that he likes sex when

1005
00:48:28,760 --> 00:48:31,080
Speaker 1: y'all started dating, and now you're dating him and you're

1006
00:48:31,120 --> 00:48:32,759
Speaker 1: just like, no, I don't want to and he still

1007
00:48:32,760 --> 00:48:36,240
Speaker 1: wants to do seventeen years, girl, years? Can you blame

1008
00:48:36,239 --> 00:48:40,239
Speaker 1: me but your self? Can you blame me? You can't

1009
00:48:40,280 --> 00:48:42,440
Speaker 1: blame me. Looking as good as you want to look, girl,

1010
00:48:45,800 --> 00:48:50,320
Speaker 1: and you're pretty eyes, I don't lies. It's no surprise.

1011
00:48:51,680 --> 00:48:56,520
Speaker 1: I am wise. Bars, bars, you've been eating a lot

1012
00:48:56,520 --> 00:49:03,200
Speaker 1: of fries. I can't not a disguise Question number two

1013
00:49:05,360 --> 00:49:08,319
Speaker 1: listener letter number two you are hot miss Oh my god.

1014
00:49:08,400 --> 00:49:10,120
Speaker 1: I wanted to join in there, but I was talking

1015
00:49:10,120 --> 00:49:13,120
Speaker 1: about caught off guard with that one. All right, so

1016
00:49:13,320 --> 00:49:16,600
Speaker 1: I am. I married my husband almost four weeks ago,

1017
00:49:16,800 --> 00:49:19,080
Speaker 1: and we're happier than ever four weeks. Shall I hope

1018
00:49:19,080 --> 00:49:23,799
Speaker 1: you're happy in four weeks. We were together seven years

1019
00:49:23,800 --> 00:49:26,560
Speaker 1: before getting married, and I'm struggling on figuring out our

1020
00:49:26,600 --> 00:49:29,359
Speaker 1: next step. My husband wants to have a baby right away,

1021
00:49:29,800 --> 00:49:31,400
Speaker 1: like he wants to get me pregnant the night of

1022
00:49:31,440 --> 00:49:33,200
Speaker 1: the wedding, or he wanted to get me pregnant night,

1023
00:49:33,840 --> 00:49:36,920
Speaker 1: which debounded. Um, I personally would like to purchase a

1024
00:49:37,000 --> 00:49:40,600
Speaker 1: home first. How do I compromise with my husband and

1025
00:49:40,640 --> 00:49:45,759
Speaker 1: still get what we both want? Okay, so he wants

1026
00:49:45,760 --> 00:49:48,080
Speaker 1: to wait, So wait a second. He wants to baby

1027
00:49:48,160 --> 00:49:49,759
Speaker 1: right away and she wants to have at home. So

1028
00:49:49,960 --> 00:49:52,640
Speaker 1: I'm want to is it a financial thing? Um? Because

1029
00:49:52,680 --> 00:49:54,080
Speaker 1: when it comes to the house, that's something that you

1030
00:49:54,120 --> 00:49:57,640
Speaker 1: tend to plan for financially. Whereas a baby, I feel

1031
00:49:57,640 --> 00:50:00,160
Speaker 1: like I feel like you never really like you can

1032
00:50:00,200 --> 00:50:02,000
Speaker 1: plan for a child. But I feel like you're never

1033
00:50:02,000 --> 00:50:05,040
Speaker 1: really ready for a challe until the child comes. That's true.

1034
00:50:05,239 --> 00:50:07,680
Speaker 1: You know you can prepare, but there's never really a

1035
00:50:07,680 --> 00:50:10,560
Speaker 1: perfect time for children. Um, what you're saying about the

1036
00:50:10,560 --> 00:50:12,760
Speaker 1: financial part, No, I think sometimes it's just the vision

1037
00:50:12,800 --> 00:50:16,480
Speaker 1: of the people, right. Like his vision may be married baby,

1038
00:50:16,600 --> 00:50:19,320
Speaker 1: that's just the way he views his life. Her vision

1039
00:50:19,360 --> 00:50:22,719
Speaker 1: may be married, house baby, right. So sometimes it's not

1040
00:50:22,760 --> 00:50:25,200
Speaker 1: even finances, because there are people who have this question

1041
00:50:25,239 --> 00:50:27,560
Speaker 1: who are both well off. It's just the vision of

1042
00:50:27,600 --> 00:50:29,920
Speaker 1: what you think your life should be. One thing I'll

1043
00:50:29,920 --> 00:50:32,360
Speaker 1: say about marriage is throw away your vision of what

1044
00:50:32,480 --> 00:50:34,720
Speaker 1: you think your life should be when you marry someone

1045
00:50:34,800 --> 00:50:39,400
Speaker 1: somebody exactly, because we've been through that. Sure, what do

1046
00:50:39,480 --> 00:50:42,720
Speaker 1: you think it's supposed to look like? Almost never happens

1047
00:50:42,719 --> 00:50:46,080
Speaker 1: in that order unless you find a submissive person that's

1048
00:50:46,080 --> 00:50:47,759
Speaker 1: just always going to let you get what you want.

1049
00:50:48,000 --> 00:50:50,360
Speaker 1: But you won't even like that either, right exactly. And

1050
00:50:50,360 --> 00:50:51,759
Speaker 1: I mean I think you can plan more so for

1051
00:50:51,800 --> 00:50:54,000
Speaker 1: the house in terms of like, okay, finding a house,

1052
00:50:54,360 --> 00:50:56,760
Speaker 1: having money set aside to then have the house and everything.

1053
00:50:57,080 --> 00:50:58,839
Speaker 1: When it comes to children, though, you just never know,

1054
00:50:58,960 --> 00:51:01,120
Speaker 1: Like we, you know, fortunate that we were pregnant on

1055
00:51:01,160 --> 00:51:03,239
Speaker 1: the honeymoon. I know some people who plan for a baby.

1056
00:51:03,280 --> 00:51:06,239
Speaker 1: We're we're gonna wait until you know, we're three years

1057
00:51:06,239 --> 00:51:07,759
Speaker 1: in in our anniversary, and then we're going to try

1058
00:51:07,760 --> 00:51:09,520
Speaker 1: for a baby, and then it may take them longer

1059
00:51:09,560 --> 00:51:12,600
Speaker 1: to conceive. You just never really know when the right

1060
00:51:12,640 --> 00:51:16,520
Speaker 1: time is for certain things like that. I never this

1061
00:51:16,560 --> 00:51:18,279
Speaker 1: is the first time we said this. I've never thought

1062
00:51:18,280 --> 00:51:21,200
Speaker 1: about that, though, Yeah, I've literally because I'm a man,

1063
00:51:21,360 --> 00:51:23,680
Speaker 1: and sometimes you just don't you don't think outside of

1064
00:51:23,719 --> 00:51:25,799
Speaker 1: what you're capable of doing, right because as a woman,

1065
00:51:25,920 --> 00:51:27,239
Speaker 1: I think that a lot of women think about it.

1066
00:51:27,280 --> 00:51:29,880
Speaker 1: If you do desire to children, when it's the right

1067
00:51:29,920 --> 00:51:32,080
Speaker 1: time and all that, and then you just never know,

1068
00:51:32,160 --> 00:51:34,200
Speaker 1: like yeah, you just it just may not happen right

1069
00:51:34,200 --> 00:51:36,080
Speaker 1: away when you think is the right time to happen.

1070
00:51:36,080 --> 00:51:38,160
Speaker 1: And I've known people who have struggled with, you know,

1071
00:51:38,200 --> 00:51:40,560
Speaker 1: getting pregnant because they thought it was the right time.

1072
00:51:40,600 --> 00:51:43,480
Speaker 1: They had the house, they had, you know, everything set up,

1073
00:51:43,719 --> 00:51:45,760
Speaker 1: they had, Yeah, you had there certain things in place

1074
00:51:45,960 --> 00:51:48,319
Speaker 1: that were within your control, and then when it comes

1075
00:51:48,360 --> 00:51:51,000
Speaker 1: time to then conceive, it's not in your control, and

1076
00:51:51,000 --> 00:51:53,000
Speaker 1: then you end up disappointed or you know, then that

1077
00:51:53,040 --> 00:51:55,400
Speaker 1: can also to bear some kind of burden on you.

1078
00:51:55,480 --> 00:51:59,000
Speaker 1: So I just realized that sometimes we give we give

1079
00:51:59,000 --> 00:52:03,040
Speaker 1: advice to people from a place of privilege. We've been

1080
00:52:03,160 --> 00:52:07,080
Speaker 1: privileged to have our first child. Immediately we struggled with Cairo.

1081
00:52:07,160 --> 00:52:08,680
Speaker 1: You had to have a procedure done to get your

1082
00:52:08,719 --> 00:52:11,279
Speaker 1: tubes flushed. So now it kind of like it brings

1083
00:52:11,320 --> 00:52:13,080
Speaker 1: me back to that moment when you weren't sure you

1084
00:52:13,080 --> 00:52:16,960
Speaker 1: could have another child. Absolutely, yeah, that choice of when

1085
00:52:17,000 --> 00:52:20,200
Speaker 1: you're going to have a baby is not always in

1086
00:52:21,960 --> 00:52:23,520
Speaker 1: I got off of my I had my i UD

1087
00:52:23,640 --> 00:52:25,560
Speaker 1: taken out, like and I think it was like April,

1088
00:52:25,600 --> 00:52:28,279
Speaker 1: when Jackson was like four, and then I was like,

1089
00:52:28,280 --> 00:52:30,200
Speaker 1: oh great, took it out. My doctors like, you had

1090
00:52:30,239 --> 00:52:32,520
Speaker 1: no problems getting pregnant with Jackson, so you're you'll be

1091
00:52:32,520 --> 00:52:34,279
Speaker 1: straight shooting. You can just try and like and I

1092
00:52:34,360 --> 00:52:36,800
Speaker 1: was shooting, and he was shooting. The club all the

1093
00:52:36,840 --> 00:52:40,920
Speaker 1: way up. Shooters keep shooting, and then nothing was happening,

1094
00:52:41,520 --> 00:52:43,239
Speaker 1: and I was just like, that's strange, and I thought

1095
00:52:43,239 --> 00:52:45,759
Speaker 1: it would have been easier. Um, and something just didn't

1096
00:52:45,760 --> 00:52:47,840
Speaker 1: sit right with me. Devout thought I was overthinking it.

1097
00:52:47,880 --> 00:52:50,000
Speaker 1: He's like just relaxed, enjoy the process A k A.

1098
00:52:50,120 --> 00:52:51,719
Speaker 1: Just bustle wide open as much as you can, because

1099
00:52:51,760 --> 00:52:54,040
Speaker 1: I'm gonna do through my part. But me, on the

1100
00:52:54,040 --> 00:52:56,080
Speaker 1: other hand, I felt like something deep down was not right,

1101
00:52:56,120 --> 00:52:58,839
Speaker 1: and I spoke to my doctor unbeknownst to you, UM,

1102
00:52:59,000 --> 00:53:01,360
Speaker 1: spoke to my doctor and she and I arranged a

1103
00:53:01,400 --> 00:53:04,040
Speaker 1: procedure that I had done, and UM, I was able

1104
00:53:04,080 --> 00:53:06,839
Speaker 1: to get pregnant after that, thank god. UM. But yeah,

1105
00:53:09,280 --> 00:53:12,799
Speaker 1: and my tubes I did, Oh goodness. Was the name

1106
00:53:12,800 --> 00:53:14,520
Speaker 1: of the procedure escapes me. I think it's an hCG

1107
00:53:14,680 --> 00:53:16,279
Speaker 1: or h G C. Um. That's the name of the

1108
00:53:16,320 --> 00:53:18,400
Speaker 1: procedure I had. Um, But it flashed my tubes and

1109
00:53:18,400 --> 00:53:20,399
Speaker 1: then I was able to get pregnant, like literally right

1110
00:53:20,440 --> 00:53:23,080
Speaker 1: after that. UM. And then I probably explains why CASS

1111
00:53:23,160 --> 00:53:26,480
Speaker 1: came shortly after that too, because UM, everything that was

1112
00:53:26,560 --> 00:53:28,920
Speaker 1: backed up there you're all back and waiting like hello,

1113
00:53:29,760 --> 00:53:31,680
Speaker 1: hello there the black age you let me out and

1114
00:53:32,000 --> 00:53:34,759
Speaker 1: they all just came out. So I mean it's safe

1115
00:53:34,800 --> 00:53:37,279
Speaker 1: to say that you guys should maybe have that conversation

1116
00:53:37,520 --> 00:53:40,080
Speaker 1: UM more, maybe another time, talking about like you know

1117
00:53:40,120 --> 00:53:42,160
Speaker 1: what it is that you want next, what do you want?

1118
00:53:42,480 --> 00:53:45,080
Speaker 1: What can wait? Um? If the house can't wait for you.

1119
00:53:45,200 --> 00:53:46,640
Speaker 1: I mean, you might want to try for the baby.

1120
00:53:46,640 --> 00:53:48,680
Speaker 1: You're married now, you're to get a seven years so

1121
00:53:48,920 --> 00:53:51,560
Speaker 1: children are a time, you know, is that time? Children

1122
00:53:51,600 --> 00:53:53,920
Speaker 1: are a blessing you can always you know, as long

1123
00:53:53,960 --> 00:53:57,239
Speaker 1: as you're financially stable. House hunting and house planning is

1124
00:53:57,239 --> 00:54:01,319
Speaker 1: a lot easier than planning for child because that may

1125
00:54:01,320 --> 00:54:04,160
Speaker 1: not always be up to you or your body. So

1126
00:54:04,239 --> 00:54:07,360
Speaker 1: I would say, listen, you want to compromise, you want to,

1127
00:54:07,400 --> 00:54:10,239
Speaker 1: you know, have the open conversation, be honest, because that's

1128
00:54:10,239 --> 00:54:12,239
Speaker 1: always what it comes down to. Tell them exactly what

1129
00:54:12,320 --> 00:54:15,160
Speaker 1: you want, but be willing to hear what he wants

1130
00:54:15,160 --> 00:54:17,280
Speaker 1: as well, and see if you can find a way

1131
00:54:17,560 --> 00:54:19,600
Speaker 1: to get both at the same time. And if not,

1132
00:54:19,760 --> 00:54:22,120
Speaker 1: think about what you can control and what you can control.

1133
00:54:22,160 --> 00:54:24,719
Speaker 1: The things that you can't control, leave it up to God.

1134
00:54:24,960 --> 00:54:26,759
Speaker 1: If you believe in the universe, leave it up to

1135
00:54:26,760 --> 00:54:29,720
Speaker 1: the universe. You know, um and things you can control.

1136
00:54:29,800 --> 00:54:32,120
Speaker 1: Get that done immediately, there you go, and then before

1137
00:54:32,120 --> 00:54:34,279
Speaker 1: you know it, you might be you know, making a

1138
00:54:34,320 --> 00:54:37,200
Speaker 1: baby on your new kitchen counter top in your house

1139
00:54:37,280 --> 00:54:39,520
Speaker 1: or something you love counter tops. It's the second time

1140
00:54:39,520 --> 00:54:44,239
Speaker 1: you mentioned already too. Yes, I love counter tops. God,

1141
00:54:44,239 --> 00:54:45,960
Speaker 1: I'm gonna put a counter top in every room in

1142
00:54:46,000 --> 00:54:50,239
Speaker 1: our house and put counter tops everywhere in the playroom. Yes,

1143
00:54:50,360 --> 00:54:54,960
Speaker 1: just counter top in the car, just so that I

1144
00:54:54,960 --> 00:54:57,759
Speaker 1: can look you on account it And if you want

1145
00:54:57,760 --> 00:54:59,920
Speaker 1: to be featured as one of our listener letters, email

1146
00:55:00,080 --> 00:55:03,680
Speaker 1: us at dead ass Advice at gmail dot com. That's

1147
00:55:03,800 --> 00:55:06,719
Speaker 1: dead ass Advice at gmail dot com. Yes, and that

1148
00:55:06,800 --> 00:55:10,840
Speaker 1: leads us to the moment of truth. This is my

1149
00:55:10,920 --> 00:55:13,640
Speaker 1: moment of truth. It's very simple. All right, we're talking

1150
00:55:13,640 --> 00:55:16,839
Speaker 1: about toxicity and being toxic. First thing you want to do,

1151
00:55:16,960 --> 00:55:21,200
Speaker 1: the first rule of toxicity is recognized the toxicity in yourself.

1152
00:55:22,040 --> 00:55:25,200
Speaker 1: Figure out how you're being toxic and why you're being toxic.

1153
00:55:25,320 --> 00:55:28,160
Speaker 1: Once you can figure that out, then you can see

1154
00:55:28,200 --> 00:55:30,960
Speaker 1: how the people around you are moving in a toxic manner.

1155
00:55:31,280 --> 00:55:33,680
Speaker 1: Once you figure that out, dismiss the ones that you

1156
00:55:33,719 --> 00:55:36,640
Speaker 1: want to dismiss, keep the ones that you want to keep,

1157
00:55:36,960 --> 00:55:39,720
Speaker 1: and just keep working on being as lex toxic as possible,

1158
00:55:40,440 --> 00:55:48,879
Speaker 1: as lex less toxic today, toxic, you made the word

1159
00:55:48,920 --> 00:55:52,279
Speaker 1: a lot of ex speaking of exs. If if the

1160
00:55:52,320 --> 00:55:55,760
Speaker 1: person in your relationship is toxic, they may become your X. Yes, Okay,

1161
00:55:58,320 --> 00:56:01,920
Speaker 1: I'm here, my bad, but now learn when to let go.

1162
00:56:02,200 --> 00:56:04,239
Speaker 1: You need to learn when you or learn what your

1163
00:56:04,239 --> 00:56:06,200
Speaker 1: boundaries are and know what it is you're willing to

1164
00:56:06,200 --> 00:56:08,279
Speaker 1: tolerate and not tolerate. That's what I took away from

1165
00:56:08,280 --> 00:56:10,640
Speaker 1: it because sometimes too, you get into a relationship and

1166
00:56:10,680 --> 00:56:12,719
Speaker 1: you feel like you can bend certain things that you

1167
00:56:12,760 --> 00:56:15,080
Speaker 1: know you really don't want to bend on. So by

1168
00:56:15,120 --> 00:56:17,319
Speaker 1: knowing your boundaries, by knowing what you can and can't

1169
00:56:17,400 --> 00:56:20,040
Speaker 1: deal with or not willing to deal with, then you

1170
00:56:20,080 --> 00:56:22,600
Speaker 1: can move forward and be more clear with your expectations

1171
00:56:22,600 --> 00:56:24,719
Speaker 1: of what you want out of that relationship, whether it's

1172
00:56:24,719 --> 00:56:27,880
Speaker 1: your friend, your relationship with a spouse, or a significant

1173
00:56:27,880 --> 00:56:31,880
Speaker 1: other family member, and all that good stuff. So you

1174
00:56:31,920 --> 00:56:35,440
Speaker 1: have it fine toxicity in yourself, set boundaries and be

1175
00:56:35,520 --> 00:56:40,000
Speaker 1: okay sending those boundaries you go life. Be sure to

1176
00:56:40,080 --> 00:56:43,200
Speaker 1: follow us on social media that's I am Devout and

1177
00:56:43,520 --> 00:56:46,880
Speaker 1: Cadine I Am. And if you're listening on Apple podcasts,

1178
00:56:46,880 --> 00:56:48,920
Speaker 1: be sure to rate and review because we love to

1179
00:56:48,920 --> 00:56:51,560
Speaker 1: hear feedbased do we love the feedback what you like

1180
00:56:51,680 --> 00:56:53,640
Speaker 1: and what we can improve on, and don't forget to

1181
00:56:53,719 --> 00:56:56,480
Speaker 1: hit that subscribe button. That way, when we do upload

1182
00:56:56,520 --> 00:57:00,520
Speaker 1: new episodes. It automatically downloads to your phone. Because We're back,

1183
00:57:00,560 --> 00:57:11,640
Speaker 1: Baby Back. Dead Ass is a production of Stitcher. It's

1184
00:57:11,680 --> 00:57:15,000
Speaker 1: produced by T Square and Dinora Penia. Our Chief Content

1185
00:57:15,080 --> 00:57:19,160
Speaker 1: Officer is Chris Bannet. Our associate producers are Kristen Torres

1186
00:57:19,320 --> 00:57:22,800
Speaker 1: and Trivia. Our studio engineers are Brandon Burns and Andy,

1187
00:57:22,880 --> 00:57:34,480
Speaker 1: Kristen's daughter. We're Back. I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth.

1188
00:57:34,600 --> 00:57:36,600
Speaker 1: We have a podcast going on right now. It's part

1189
00:57:36,600 --> 00:57:40,000
Speaker 1: of the stitchen netwere called Abstraction that's available everywhere. Getting

1190
00:57:40,040 --> 00:57:44,240
Speaker 1: podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple, Go listen right now to

1191
00:57:44,280 --> 00:57:46,600
Speaker 1: the Distraction right now, it's out. Do it, please,