1 00:00:00,920 --> 00:00:04,240 Speaker 1: Hi. This is Laura Vanderkamp. I'm a mother of four, 2 00:00:04,600 --> 00:00:08,440 Speaker 1: an author, journalist, and speaker. And this is Sarah Hart Hunger. 3 00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:11,800 Speaker 1: I'm a mother of three, practicing position and blogger. On 4 00:00:11,840 --> 00:00:14,600 Speaker 1: the side. We are two working parents who love our 5 00:00:14,640 --> 00:00:17,960 Speaker 1: careers and our families. Welcome to Best of Both Worlds. 6 00:00:18,280 --> 00:00:21,520 Speaker 1: Here we talk about how real women manage work, family, 7 00:00:21,720 --> 00:00:25,360 Speaker 1: and time for fun, from figuring out childcare to mapping 8 00:00:25,360 --> 00:00:28,240 Speaker 1: out long term career goals. We want you to get 9 00:00:28,240 --> 00:00:33,040 Speaker 1: the most out of life. Welcome to Best of Both Worlds. 10 00:00:33,080 --> 00:00:36,080 Speaker 1: This is Laura. This is episode fifty four. We'll be 11 00:00:36,159 --> 00:00:40,520 Speaker 1: talking to Shila Henderson about raising a mega family. So 12 00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:43,000 Speaker 1: Shila is a listener to Best of Both World podcasts 13 00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:45,640 Speaker 1: and wrote to us about her ten children that she 14 00:00:45,720 --> 00:00:48,640 Speaker 1: has built this large family and has also been working 15 00:00:48,680 --> 00:00:50,440 Speaker 1: while she's been doing that over the times. We're looking 16 00:00:50,479 --> 00:00:55,000 Speaker 1: forward to that. So we're recording this in July, but 17 00:00:55,120 --> 00:00:59,280 Speaker 1: it is airing in mid August, which is around the 18 00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:02,520 Speaker 1: time that sarah kids actually go back to school. Crazy 19 00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:05,479 Speaker 1: enough is that the case? Yep, when this airs, they 20 00:01:05,520 --> 00:01:09,280 Speaker 1: will be starting school in six days and where I 21 00:01:09,480 --> 00:01:13,840 Speaker 1: work that County one District North will have already started, 22 00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:16,720 Speaker 1: So wow, that is just a little bit mind blowing. 23 00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:19,080 Speaker 1: Our summer seems shorter. It's actually the same length as yours. 24 00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:22,479 Speaker 1: But I do kind of wish we finished a little 25 00:01:22,520 --> 00:01:26,800 Speaker 1: bit later. Yeah, we have we start after Labor Day, 26 00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:29,080 Speaker 1: which we went through mid June. I mean, our last 27 00:01:29,160 --> 00:01:31,280 Speaker 1: day was something like June fifteen, So it's not like 28 00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:34,240 Speaker 1: we yeah have a different length of summer or anything. 29 00:01:34,319 --> 00:01:36,600 Speaker 1: But I like the starting after Labor Day. It makes 30 00:01:36,640 --> 00:01:40,600 Speaker 1: August feel like this whole actual month of vacation, even 31 00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:43,160 Speaker 1: though we were not actually off the whole time, and 32 00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:46,480 Speaker 1: having to be able to go through Labor Day is 33 00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:51,559 Speaker 1: nice for having a September date as a vacation date 34 00:01:51,640 --> 00:01:54,840 Speaker 1: on the calendar. I just enjoy that. I actually think 35 00:01:54,880 --> 00:01:57,040 Speaker 1: I remember when I was growing up, and I grew 36 00:01:57,080 --> 00:01:59,720 Speaker 1: up near where you live now, there was like it 37 00:01:59,760 --> 00:02:02,800 Speaker 1: would vacillate between before and after, and then eventually there 38 00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:05,680 Speaker 1: was something about like the economy of the shore. Really 39 00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:07,880 Speaker 1: I don't know, like it was political because they wanted 40 00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:11,720 Speaker 1: people to be able to take family vacations during that time, 41 00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:16,120 Speaker 1: and I don't know, maybe the Jersey Shore lobbyish, yeah, 42 00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:18,320 Speaker 1: push for everyone to come after Labor Day. Because I 43 00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:20,880 Speaker 1: think it actually was both ways. But well it's true. 44 00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:22,600 Speaker 1: You know, it's funny with the Jersey Shore thing and 45 00:02:22,880 --> 00:02:25,160 Speaker 1: lobbying to extend the season, because I wouldn't I wouldn't 46 00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:28,160 Speaker 1: doubt it. Back in the day, the Miss America pageant 47 00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:31,119 Speaker 1: used to be in Atlantic Atlantic City on the Jersey Shore, 48 00:02:31,160 --> 00:02:37,239 Speaker 1: and it was always held the weekend after Sorry, it's fine, 49 00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:42,000 Speaker 1: we just had a quick Wow, this never happens on 50 00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:43,560 Speaker 1: our podcast. I think we should leave that in. We 51 00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:46,359 Speaker 1: should leave that in. Yeah, that was my three year old. 52 00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:51,920 Speaker 1: But at the Jersey Shore, people wanted it the weekend 53 00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:56,520 Speaker 1: after Labor Day because that would extend the shore season, 54 00:02:56,639 --> 00:02:58,840 Speaker 1: like people would stick around for the Miss America Pageant 55 00:02:58,919 --> 00:03:04,240 Speaker 1: into September ten, right, would be roughly, Yeah, that was one. 56 00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:06,440 Speaker 1: I wouldn't be surprised if there was a lobby that 57 00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:09,600 Speaker 1: extended the areas. Maybe like a mob thing. I don't know, 58 00:03:09,880 --> 00:03:12,000 Speaker 1: it could be a mob. But it's funny because like 59 00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:14,440 Speaker 1: I was in the parking lot on Sunday morning and 60 00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:17,360 Speaker 1: our local so we're recording this in July, and so 61 00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:19,520 Speaker 1: it was the weekend after July fourth, and it was 62 00:03:19,560 --> 00:03:21,960 Speaker 1: like empty, and one of the people who worked at 63 00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:23,800 Speaker 1: the Superbar was just like, yeah, everyone's at the shore 64 00:03:23,840 --> 00:03:26,000 Speaker 1: this weekend. I'm like, yeah, that's probably actually true. Like 65 00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:29,880 Speaker 1: Philadelphia kind of empties into New Jersey over over those 66 00:03:29,919 --> 00:03:32,680 Speaker 1: long weekends. So and I love the Jersey Shore. This 67 00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:35,440 Speaker 1: was this is full of love. I have fond memories 68 00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:38,480 Speaker 1: of Avalon and Cape May, and you guys go there too. Sometimes. 69 00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:40,760 Speaker 1: We sometimes go to Cape May. You know, we've gone 70 00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:43,720 Speaker 1: more to Ocean Grove, which is on the northern side 71 00:03:43,720 --> 00:03:45,960 Speaker 1: of it, just south of Asbury Park for any of 72 00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:49,200 Speaker 1: our listeners who know where that is. And Ocean Grove 73 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:53,760 Speaker 1: is like this cute little Victorian town that is you know, 74 00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:57,600 Speaker 1: really we like it. We've been going there for years, 75 00:03:57,600 --> 00:04:01,120 Speaker 1: so that's that's our place. Cool. Well, we digressed a lot. 76 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:03,720 Speaker 1: I was just gonna mention though, that you remember how 77 00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:06,840 Speaker 1: I talked all about that like back to school boxing, 78 00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:08,600 Speaker 1: and how I was so sad that we didn't have that. 79 00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:13,000 Speaker 1: Remember last year, I remember that, I remember we haven't. 80 00:04:13,040 --> 00:04:15,400 Speaker 1: Now I ordered it, so now I don't have to 81 00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:19,359 Speaker 1: do anything and she'll have everything already. So all I 82 00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:21,560 Speaker 1: have to do to get ready for school is like 83 00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:24,120 Speaker 1: get her a backpack in a lunch box and my 84 00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:26,000 Speaker 1: son's going to the same school as last year. So 85 00:04:26,760 --> 00:04:29,359 Speaker 1: I'm excited to have this be easier than it was. 86 00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:31,640 Speaker 1: Sounds awesome. That sounds awesome. I don't think we have that, 87 00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:33,400 Speaker 1: and I need to look into it because that would 88 00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:36,599 Speaker 1: be although the kids come sometimes like going and picking 89 00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:38,400 Speaker 1: out their own stuff. So if once the kids get 90 00:04:38,400 --> 00:04:40,240 Speaker 1: a little bit older, there's more of this like but 91 00:04:40,320 --> 00:04:42,440 Speaker 1: I want this, you know, buying, Well, I may let 92 00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:45,360 Speaker 1: her buy a little front or whatever I can. I 93 00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:47,440 Speaker 1: can give her some I mean, as someone who is 94 00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:51,280 Speaker 1: like a stationary hoarder, I would be really hypocritical if 95 00:04:51,279 --> 00:04:52,840 Speaker 1: I didn't let her get anything. But this way, I 96 00:04:52,839 --> 00:04:54,600 Speaker 1: can just let her get some fun stuff and all 97 00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:58,560 Speaker 1: this sort of checkbox stuff is taken care of. Sounds good, 98 00:04:58,640 --> 00:05:00,440 Speaker 1: all right, Well, here we go back into into the 99 00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:03,680 Speaker 1: main segment. Here, Well, we are really excited to welcome 100 00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:07,920 Speaker 1: Shila Henderson to the program. So Shila has been spent 101 00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:13,520 Speaker 1: the past thirty some years raising a mega family, ten children, 102 00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:16,960 Speaker 1: both biological and adopted, and she's going to talk about that. 103 00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:20,080 Speaker 1: But she's also been working the whole time, which is 104 00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:22,159 Speaker 1: you know something you don't read a whole lot about 105 00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:25,440 Speaker 1: in the Mega family literature that moms are also juggling 106 00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:29,159 Speaker 1: careers with raising that larger family. So Shila, thanks so 107 00:05:29,240 --> 00:05:32,400 Speaker 1: much for coming on my pleasure. So tell us a 108 00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:36,560 Speaker 1: little bit about your family situation, your your kids, your spouse, 109 00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:41,600 Speaker 1: all that. Well. I have ten kids. The oldest is 110 00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:46,520 Speaker 1: thirty five and the youngest is thirteen. Five are biological 111 00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:50,560 Speaker 1: and five are adopted. And then I have been married 112 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:55,599 Speaker 1: for thirty seven years. Oh my goodness, a lot of years, 113 00:05:55,720 --> 00:05:59,240 Speaker 1: it is. Yeah, And so you adopted some of the 114 00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:03,480 Speaker 1: children at older ages, right, they came into your family 115 00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:07,599 Speaker 1: at different points, the last three sort of after the 116 00:06:07,640 --> 00:06:10,400 Speaker 1: last three, and then the other two were interspersed with 117 00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:13,760 Speaker 1: the biological kids sort of what was the order with that, right, 118 00:06:13,839 --> 00:06:17,200 Speaker 1: So we had four biological kids and then my husband 119 00:06:17,320 --> 00:06:20,400 Speaker 1: was like, okay, we're done, and I was like, well, 120 00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:25,000 Speaker 1: I don't think so. And then we adopted two as 121 00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:29,159 Speaker 1: babies from Korea and separate adoptions, and then we had 122 00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:34,479 Speaker 1: another one, and then there was a gap of five 123 00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:38,200 Speaker 1: years and we adopted a five year old from Vietnam, 124 00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:44,040 Speaker 1: and then I think about four years later, five years later, 125 00:06:44,080 --> 00:06:47,640 Speaker 1: we adopted two more girls from China. And had you 126 00:06:47,680 --> 00:06:51,000 Speaker 1: been interested in international adoption for a long time or 127 00:06:51,120 --> 00:06:55,719 Speaker 1: what sort of inspired that move for building your family. Well, 128 00:06:55,760 --> 00:06:58,920 Speaker 1: when I grew up, I baby sat for our pastor 129 00:06:59,160 --> 00:07:05,560 Speaker 1: and they had adopted several children, both domestically and internationally, 130 00:07:06,440 --> 00:07:11,200 Speaker 1: and we did look at domestic adoption when we first 131 00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:14,480 Speaker 1: started thinking about adoption, and just for a variety of 132 00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:18,160 Speaker 1: different reasons, we ended up adopting internationally, and we had 133 00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:22,360 Speaker 1: a lot of good friends that had also adopted internationally. Yeah, 134 00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:25,760 Speaker 1: and so along the way, you've also been working this 135 00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:28,320 Speaker 1: whole time, So tell us about your career journey. Yeah, 136 00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:31,840 Speaker 1: so I haven't been working the entire time. There have 137 00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:37,720 Speaker 1: been years where when we added a new baby, I 138 00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:40,440 Speaker 1: would there were years where I didn't work at all. 139 00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:43,640 Speaker 1: There were some years my husband was in the military 140 00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:47,760 Speaker 1: the first twelve years of our marriage, and so there 141 00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:49,840 Speaker 1: were times where I would know we're only going to 142 00:07:49,880 --> 00:07:51,840 Speaker 1: be at a place for a year and a half 143 00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:54,240 Speaker 1: or something, and I didn't work during those times. Or 144 00:07:54,280 --> 00:07:57,280 Speaker 1: I worked, like as a home day care provider, so 145 00:07:57,280 --> 00:08:02,280 Speaker 1: I would just have like one I was watching. And 146 00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:07,640 Speaker 1: so it has been kind of this career of working 147 00:08:07,680 --> 00:08:09,440 Speaker 1: part time for the most part. Right now, I have 148 00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:13,080 Speaker 1: two different part time jobs that I do that are 149 00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:16,400 Speaker 1: very different and yet the same. What are your part 150 00:08:16,440 --> 00:08:20,480 Speaker 1: time jobs currently? So I work for our state in 151 00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:25,520 Speaker 1: their foster and adoptive care, placing children in foster and 152 00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:29,440 Speaker 1: adoptive families, and that's one halftime, and then the other 153 00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:33,480 Speaker 1: half I work as a therapist specializing in attachment and adoption. 154 00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:35,920 Speaker 1: So I'm sure you have a lot of expertise on 155 00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:39,679 Speaker 1: this having gone through it yourself, and and can have 156 00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:42,840 Speaker 1: a great perspective for your clients with that too. So 157 00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:44,640 Speaker 1: I mean, you know a lot of people listening to 158 00:08:44,679 --> 00:08:49,520 Speaker 1: this have probably around two kids the average, and so 159 00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:53,400 Speaker 1: you hear you know, a family with ten children, and 160 00:08:53,679 --> 00:08:56,840 Speaker 1: it sounds like it must have been, you know, chaotic. 161 00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:59,280 Speaker 1: But was it? I mean, tell us like, what was 162 00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:04,160 Speaker 1: what was it like? People always imagine that it was chaotic, 163 00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:07,120 Speaker 1: and maybe if they would have come into my home 164 00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:11,040 Speaker 1: they would have thought that, But from my perspective, it 165 00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:14,960 Speaker 1: was usually organized chaos. I guess you could say my 166 00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:18,920 Speaker 1: husband is a pretty organized person and I am not, 167 00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:23,720 Speaker 1: but I have worked very hard to become very organized, 168 00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:26,560 Speaker 1: and I think with a big family you absolutely have to, 169 00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:33,320 Speaker 1: and so it really wasn't chaos at all. It was busy. 170 00:09:33,679 --> 00:09:37,440 Speaker 1: I would say, and what is that sort of you know, 171 00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:41,280 Speaker 1: walk us through kind of what busy means in a 172 00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:44,480 Speaker 1: house with like you have like six activities on one day. 173 00:09:44,679 --> 00:09:46,440 Speaker 1: I mean, they're the older ones able to take care 174 00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:48,400 Speaker 1: of the younger ones, Like, how did that work out? 175 00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:51,560 Speaker 1: There were times where we had like multiple All of 176 00:09:51,559 --> 00:09:54,480 Speaker 1: our kids have been in sports and activities and we 177 00:09:54,520 --> 00:09:59,240 Speaker 1: feel like that's just a really crucial part of growing up. 178 00:09:59,480 --> 00:10:01,800 Speaker 1: So yeah, there were times obviously where we could not 179 00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:05,040 Speaker 1: be at four different ballparks at the same time. And 180 00:10:05,760 --> 00:10:08,520 Speaker 1: luckily we live in a community where people were able 181 00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:11,120 Speaker 1: to give rides or coaches and then we would you 182 00:10:11,320 --> 00:10:16,240 Speaker 1: return the favor. But I think definitely using our older 183 00:10:16,320 --> 00:10:19,560 Speaker 1: kids in a good way because we never forced them 184 00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:23,160 Speaker 1: to do it, we did pay them to do it, 185 00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:27,439 Speaker 1: and I think responsibility is really good for kids really often. 186 00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:30,360 Speaker 1: I think that was my fantasy about all of it, 187 00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:33,559 Speaker 1: that you were going to leverage the older ones and 188 00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:36,120 Speaker 1: that it became sort of a part time job for them, 189 00:10:36,840 --> 00:10:39,920 Speaker 1: extra connection time with their siblings and super helpful. So 190 00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:43,520 Speaker 1: that's cool that you actually the fantasy could come true. 191 00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:47,360 Speaker 1: We would actually pay no more if they went the 192 00:10:47,440 --> 00:10:50,040 Speaker 1: extra mile, and like would play a game with the 193 00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:53,440 Speaker 1: kids or help them with their homework, and the younger 194 00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:57,280 Speaker 1: kids also got paid a small amount if they made 195 00:10:57,320 --> 00:11:02,560 Speaker 1: it easier for the older kids to watch them. Lots 196 00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:06,640 Speaker 1: of incentives there for everyone to make it work. Yeah, 197 00:11:06,720 --> 00:11:09,120 Speaker 1: that's awesome, great, and I love some of these notes 198 00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:13,079 Speaker 1: you sent us, and you love finding ways to spend 199 00:11:13,120 --> 00:11:15,200 Speaker 1: one on one time with your kids. So talk about 200 00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:17,199 Speaker 1: the different ways you've managed to spend one on one 201 00:11:17,240 --> 00:11:22,760 Speaker 1: time with your kids. That I really do feel like 202 00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:25,800 Speaker 1: there's such a stigma in big families that the kids 203 00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:28,360 Speaker 1: are not going to get enough attention, and that can 204 00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:32,040 Speaker 1: be true for sure, So all along, I think I've 205 00:11:32,120 --> 00:11:35,199 Speaker 1: really made it a priority to spend one on one 206 00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:39,120 Speaker 1: time with my kids. And that can be traveling with 207 00:11:39,160 --> 00:11:42,360 Speaker 1: my kids just one or often we'll take two kids 208 00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:45,480 Speaker 1: on a trip, even to go back east to see 209 00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:48,760 Speaker 1: their brother and his family, or if my husband has 210 00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:51,520 Speaker 1: a business trip, we might tag along and take two 211 00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:55,960 Speaker 1: of the kids. But even it's just do it. Like 212 00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:59,240 Speaker 1: right now, my son and I my son who's sixteen, 213 00:11:59,400 --> 00:12:03,080 Speaker 1: we are going all around Portland this summer trying to 214 00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:06,800 Speaker 1: find the ultimate donut shop, and quite frankly, I don't 215 00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:11,040 Speaker 1: even like donuts that much, but he does, and so 216 00:12:11,160 --> 00:12:13,199 Speaker 1: it's been just kind of this fun And then when 217 00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:16,480 Speaker 1: we're in the car, I don't like to have a 218 00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:19,960 Speaker 1: lot of noise in the car. I'm an introvert, which 219 00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:22,160 Speaker 1: is kind of funny because I had ten kids, like 220 00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:25,400 Speaker 1: who would have thought, but we all turned the radio 221 00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:28,640 Speaker 1: off and just talk to him. I try to think 222 00:12:28,679 --> 00:12:32,000 Speaker 1: of like things to talk about. It doesn't come naturally necessarily, 223 00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:34,760 Speaker 1: but like this week, we've been talking about the soccer 224 00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:37,600 Speaker 1: players that were rescued in Thailand and what that would 225 00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:40,680 Speaker 1: be like, and just really trying to be intentional. I 226 00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:43,760 Speaker 1: guess is the word that I would want to cut 227 00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:46,600 Speaker 1: up with. Yeah, And I'm sure you've got a lot 228 00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:50,120 Speaker 1: of sort of big family hacks that have come out of, 229 00:12:50,320 --> 00:12:53,680 Speaker 1: you know, share necessity. I once did a story years 230 00:12:53,720 --> 00:12:56,400 Speaker 1: ago when I interviewed a bunch of mega families and 231 00:12:56,440 --> 00:12:59,120 Speaker 1: they all had a system with socks in the laundry. 232 00:12:59,160 --> 00:13:01,480 Speaker 1: So I'm very sure you have you have a sister 233 00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:05,600 Speaker 1: for your socks worst I do absolutely, which I wish 234 00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:08,200 Speaker 1: I knew more big families because I've had to learn 235 00:13:08,240 --> 00:13:12,120 Speaker 1: a lot of this on my own, But we absolutely 236 00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:16,080 Speaker 1: had a way we would have only white hain socks, 237 00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:18,560 Speaker 1: where all the younger kids didn't matter if there were 238 00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:21,640 Speaker 1: boys or girls, two different sizes, and you just buy 239 00:13:21,679 --> 00:13:25,320 Speaker 1: these big packs of them, and so you don't really 240 00:13:25,360 --> 00:13:27,160 Speaker 1: even have to sort them. They have a color on 241 00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:31,320 Speaker 1: the bottom. The only downfall of that method is that 242 00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:34,520 Speaker 1: we never did find out which child was stuffing their 243 00:13:34,559 --> 00:13:45,960 Speaker 1: socks into the couch. That's true. There's no telltale sign then, 244 00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:48,240 Speaker 1: I know. And it's the same with like who's not 245 00:13:48,360 --> 00:13:51,360 Speaker 1: flushing the toilet? You know nowadays, like there's DNA tests 246 00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:54,320 Speaker 1: probably for this, Like I could I could finally find 247 00:13:54,320 --> 00:14:01,000 Speaker 1: out who wasn't flushing the toilet. But so that number 248 00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:02,640 Speaker 1: of kids, it could have been more than one of them. 249 00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:05,720 Speaker 1: That's so you have the white socks for the laundry. 250 00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:07,920 Speaker 1: So you know this. You just grab what socks you 251 00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:11,199 Speaker 1: need and the size you need, and you don't sputter. 252 00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:13,719 Speaker 1: Other than that, What else did you come up with 253 00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:16,960 Speaker 1: in terms of these these way these systems that made 254 00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:22,160 Speaker 1: life work, folding clothes right from the dryer into individual baskets. 255 00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:25,600 Speaker 1: In our old house, we didn't have a laundry room. 256 00:14:25,640 --> 00:14:28,160 Speaker 1: It was in a pantry, so I just used some 257 00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:31,600 Speaker 1: of the pantry shelves for like small little baskets, and 258 00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:34,600 Speaker 1: we would fold right from the dryer into those, or 259 00:14:34,680 --> 00:14:36,440 Speaker 1: I would have them. When they got to be in 260 00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:40,520 Speaker 1: middle school, they did their own laundry, and so just 261 00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:42,800 Speaker 1: folding right in and not having those stacks of laundry 262 00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:45,280 Speaker 1: that tend to get all over the house or the bed. 263 00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:47,200 Speaker 1: And then you do the laundry dance when you go 264 00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:49,760 Speaker 1: to bed, and remember all those clothes are on your bed. 265 00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:54,680 Speaker 1: So that's something that has worked quite well. And how 266 00:14:54,680 --> 00:14:57,480 Speaker 1: about keeping track of shoes and stuff like backpacks to 267 00:14:57,600 --> 00:15:00,080 Speaker 1: go out the door in the morning. We had like 268 00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:02,760 Speaker 1: a check off list for the kids before they would 269 00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:05,440 Speaker 1: go to bed at night. Instead of saying have you 270 00:15:05,520 --> 00:15:07,200 Speaker 1: done this? And have you done that? I would just 271 00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:09,800 Speaker 1: say have you done your check off list? And it 272 00:15:09,920 --> 00:15:12,440 Speaker 1: wasn't a literal checkoff list, because I'm not good at 273 00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:15,840 Speaker 1: like checking on those things. It was posted though on 274 00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:18,680 Speaker 1: the fridge and they could go look at it, and 275 00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:21,040 Speaker 1: it was have your backpack by the front door, your 276 00:15:21,080 --> 00:15:27,520 Speaker 1: shoes and socks by the front door, any athletic equipment 277 00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:29,800 Speaker 1: or anything like that right where they knew where it was, 278 00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:33,600 Speaker 1: homework signed, brush your teeth, that kind of thing. But 279 00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:35,240 Speaker 1: it sounds like a little bit more of that may 280 00:15:35,240 --> 00:15:38,720 Speaker 1: have been on them, which in the end might have 281 00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:41,720 Speaker 1: actually helped to foster independence out of necessity. I mean, 282 00:15:41,760 --> 00:15:44,120 Speaker 1: I see that even a tiny bit with three kids, 283 00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:45,920 Speaker 1: there are certain things I wouldn't have minded doing for 284 00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:48,680 Speaker 1: my olders, but now that I realize I can't and 285 00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:51,160 Speaker 1: they can. It's so I've been seeing that. I can 286 00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:53,960 Speaker 1: imagine that being incredibly magnified with the number that you 287 00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:56,640 Speaker 1: had at home at once. Right, which did you find 288 00:15:56,640 --> 00:15:59,400 Speaker 1: that you cause them to be more independent at a 289 00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:04,960 Speaker 1: younger age? Yes, and no, I would say as a whole, 290 00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:07,840 Speaker 1: had our kids be more dependent when they were little, 291 00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:11,120 Speaker 1: just things like sleeping through the night and that type 292 00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:14,640 Speaker 1: of thing. We didn't really expect them to sleep through 293 00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:19,520 Speaker 1: the night when they were super little, and we practiced 294 00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:22,320 Speaker 1: attachment parenting, and so they were just with us a 295 00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:25,560 Speaker 1: lot more. And even when our older adoptees came home, 296 00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:28,720 Speaker 1: we spent a lot of time kind of taking them 297 00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:31,640 Speaker 1: back through some of those younger developmental ages and just 298 00:16:31,760 --> 00:16:36,440 Speaker 1: keeping them close. But then when they got older, they 299 00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:41,120 Speaker 1: definitely had a lot more independence. And yeah, I was 300 00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:44,680 Speaker 1: speaking more about the other school age. Yeah, no, absolutely, 301 00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:47,880 Speaker 1: and I feel like that's one thing I've really seen 302 00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:51,840 Speaker 1: over thirty five years of parenting is that kids now 303 00:16:52,040 --> 00:16:55,600 Speaker 1: do not have nearly as much independent and they don't 304 00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:59,840 Speaker 1: get the chance to go to the pharmacy and get 305 00:16:59,880 --> 00:17:04,200 Speaker 1: our refill on their acne medicine or you know, whatever 306 00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:09,040 Speaker 1: it may be. And so yeah, I really do think 307 00:17:09,119 --> 00:17:13,760 Speaker 1: they have had, in a positive way, more independence. So 308 00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:16,159 Speaker 1: how do you sort of do chores around the head? 309 00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:18,080 Speaker 1: Do you have like lists of chores for each kid 310 00:17:18,119 --> 00:17:21,919 Speaker 1: to do or how do you handle that? Well, on Saturday, 311 00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:25,160 Speaker 1: we have the magnificent hour of power, which my kids 312 00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:29,440 Speaker 1: would say it's the dreaded hour of power. And so 313 00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:32,280 Speaker 1: everyone in the household, it didn't matter how old they were, 314 00:17:32,320 --> 00:17:34,840 Speaker 1: they could be two years old, did an hour of 315 00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:38,320 Speaker 1: work and I would usually just make a list of 316 00:17:38,359 --> 00:17:40,879 Speaker 1: what needed done and then when at a time, they 317 00:17:40,920 --> 00:17:42,479 Speaker 1: can pick which one they want to do, and at 318 00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:45,239 Speaker 1: the end it's just maybe me assigning who has to 319 00:17:45,240 --> 00:17:48,080 Speaker 1: do what. And so that's on Saturday. It could be 320 00:17:48,160 --> 00:17:51,720 Speaker 1: indoor work, it could be outdoor and then on a 321 00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:56,959 Speaker 1: day to day they have one regular chore and it rotates, 322 00:17:57,040 --> 00:17:59,360 Speaker 1: but it could be like emptying the dishwasher or take 323 00:17:59,359 --> 00:18:02,119 Speaker 1: out the garbage and then in the summer they have 324 00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:06,920 Speaker 1: two chores. Very organized. And no, that's amazing, and I 325 00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:10,160 Speaker 1: guess you could harness a lot of productivity power when 326 00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:13,960 Speaker 1: you have a team that large. Yeah, and you mentioned 327 00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:16,119 Speaker 1: I mean in your notes to us about having you 328 00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:19,399 Speaker 1: know your planner is your life right? And yes, I 329 00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:23,280 Speaker 1: want you need to manage the schedules of everyone. Or 330 00:18:23,680 --> 00:18:26,080 Speaker 1: is it just like it's on the kids to manage 331 00:18:26,119 --> 00:18:29,280 Speaker 1: their own schedule? How does how does that happen? I? 332 00:18:29,280 --> 00:18:33,119 Speaker 1: I definitely manage the schedule and there are still learning. 333 00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:36,000 Speaker 1: Let's put it that way. We have a so I 334 00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:40,560 Speaker 1: have a planner. It's a monthly and weekly. It has daily, 335 00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:42,679 Speaker 1: but I don't really use my daily unless I have 336 00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:48,399 Speaker 1: like a super busy day. Then I have a whiteboard 337 00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:52,040 Speaker 1: in the kitchen that's also a weekly planner, and I'll 338 00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:59,000 Speaker 1: put on there everything you know, camps, ballet, whatever, appointments 339 00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:03,600 Speaker 1: and all of that. And my husband is the one 340 00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:07,280 Speaker 1: that doesn't always read that one, and he'll be like, wait, 341 00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:09,679 Speaker 1: I didn't know what it was occer eating tonight, But 342 00:19:09,920 --> 00:19:12,159 Speaker 1: the kids are The kids are pretty good about that 343 00:19:12,320 --> 00:19:17,240 Speaker 1: looking bad and I'm seeing what's coming up and I 344 00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:19,560 Speaker 1: guess the question that's the obvious one here that everyone 345 00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:24,040 Speaker 1: it sounds like ten children would be rather expensive, So 346 00:19:25,920 --> 00:19:28,080 Speaker 1: was it. I mean they're not all home now, of course, 347 00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:31,080 Speaker 1: but has there been ups and downs in terms of 348 00:19:31,119 --> 00:19:33,879 Speaker 1: how expensive it has been? I mean, how have you 349 00:19:34,119 --> 00:19:37,199 Speaker 1: managed to sort of economize on all these things right now? 350 00:19:37,359 --> 00:19:40,320 Speaker 1: That is a very very good and a very big question. 351 00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:44,359 Speaker 1: And we have kind of been on both ends of 352 00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:47,480 Speaker 1: the spectrum in terms of where our income has been 353 00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:51,160 Speaker 1: and how we make it work. And kids just they 354 00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:53,639 Speaker 1: don't have to cost as much as a lot of 355 00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:58,840 Speaker 1: people think, and they can cost a lot, especially as 356 00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:01,600 Speaker 1: teenagers when they get into all the activities and if 357 00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:04,680 Speaker 1: they get on like a traveling soccer team something like that. 358 00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:08,399 Speaker 1: But in the years when I was home more, we 359 00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:14,080 Speaker 1: actually spent a lot less on things like convenience and 360 00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:18,600 Speaker 1: so I work a lot more now. But I also 361 00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:20,960 Speaker 1: if they need a pair of clets, I just go 362 00:20:21,080 --> 00:20:23,960 Speaker 1: to one store and get them and don't shop around. 363 00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:27,240 Speaker 1: So quite often I think if we ask people if 364 00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:30,800 Speaker 1: we're looking for something or if we borrow something. When 365 00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:36,240 Speaker 1: they were younger, we did a lot of home activities 366 00:20:36,440 --> 00:20:39,280 Speaker 1: and not as much airplane travel. We did a lot 367 00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:43,480 Speaker 1: more car travel, so just all those normal ways of 368 00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:47,560 Speaker 1: making it work. It says in your notes that you 369 00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:50,840 Speaker 1: drove seven thousand miles around the US with seven kids 370 00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:54,320 Speaker 1: in twenty eleven. What was that about that? That was 371 00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:57,800 Speaker 1: I had just finished my master's program, and in the 372 00:20:57,920 --> 00:21:02,119 Speaker 1: last the last two years of my master's program, I 373 00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:04,600 Speaker 1: did have to work twenty hours a week in an 374 00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:08,840 Speaker 1: internship while also going to school full time. When I graduated, 375 00:21:08,920 --> 00:21:11,639 Speaker 1: I didn't yet have my current job, which I did 376 00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:14,560 Speaker 1: get at the end of the summer, and so we 377 00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:17,560 Speaker 1: had this summer free and it was kind of like wow, 378 00:21:17,640 --> 00:21:20,760 Speaker 1: like we may never get this chance again to just 379 00:21:20,920 --> 00:21:25,080 Speaker 1: get in the car and go. And of course my 380 00:21:25,160 --> 00:21:27,159 Speaker 1: younger kids thought it would be a great adventure, and 381 00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:29,680 Speaker 1: my teenagers thought it was the worst I did ever. 382 00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:33,840 Speaker 1: But one of the ways I got my teenage son 383 00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:37,760 Speaker 1: on board was he brought his scooter like they would 384 00:21:37,840 --> 00:21:40,800 Speaker 1: use at a skate park, and we went as we 385 00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:44,280 Speaker 1: went around the nation, we would hit various skate parks 386 00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:47,679 Speaker 1: and take photos of him. And so he got to 387 00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:50,760 Speaker 1: hit a skate park in every state, which you know, 388 00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:53,639 Speaker 1: when you're traveling with seven kids in a Honda Pilot, 389 00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:56,440 Speaker 1: and you have to make room for scooters and helmets. 390 00:21:57,080 --> 00:22:00,800 Speaker 1: It was. It was quite an interesting to figure out 391 00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:03,399 Speaker 1: how we put all that in, but it ended up 392 00:22:03,440 --> 00:22:07,760 Speaker 1: being a wonderful, wonderful trip and they have fond memories 393 00:22:08,119 --> 00:22:11,280 Speaker 1: which I think sometimes you just have to push past 394 00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:15,040 Speaker 1: all the angst, you know, in getting to that point 395 00:22:15,080 --> 00:22:18,159 Speaker 1: where you go through and have a great time. In 396 00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:20,560 Speaker 1: the end. We saw a lot of relatives along the way, 397 00:22:20,560 --> 00:22:23,200 Speaker 1: a lot of relatives and a lot of friends. Yeah. 398 00:22:23,440 --> 00:22:26,000 Speaker 1: To cut down on the coss with that, I have 399 00:22:26,080 --> 00:22:28,199 Speaker 1: to stop and say something. You just said you were 400 00:22:28,240 --> 00:22:31,439 Speaker 1: doing a twenty hour week internship and going to school 401 00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:34,119 Speaker 1: full time while you also had at least seven kids 402 00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:41,119 Speaker 1: at home. Yes, so what would a day have looked 403 00:22:41,160 --> 00:22:44,440 Speaker 1: like for you? Then? You know, is that sounds like 404 00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:49,040 Speaker 1: quite a juggling act. It was, and we had just 405 00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:55,320 Speaker 1: adopted our youngest daughter. My mom helped a lot. My 406 00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:58,280 Speaker 1: internship wasn't very far from my house, which was a 407 00:22:58,359 --> 00:23:03,479 Speaker 1: huge blessing, and then my master's program I had it 408 00:23:03,520 --> 00:23:05,919 Speaker 1: where I could just go. At that point, I was 409 00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:08,640 Speaker 1: only going one day a week from morning until late 410 00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:12,640 Speaker 1: at night, and so it was all about like reorganizing 411 00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:16,399 Speaker 1: the time. Yeah, making it all fit in. Well, Shilah, 412 00:23:16,480 --> 00:23:19,000 Speaker 1: this has been fascinating to hear about it. I like 413 00:23:19,080 --> 00:23:21,360 Speaker 1: this idea of only doing white socks, and I think 414 00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:24,439 Speaker 1: I might look into it because although I know for 415 00:23:24,520 --> 00:23:26,840 Speaker 1: sure which child has been putting his socks in the 416 00:23:26,880 --> 00:23:31,919 Speaker 1: sofa and not, that knowing stops it, so I'm not 417 00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:34,720 Speaker 1: sure really that there's any point knowing it because it 418 00:23:34,800 --> 00:23:38,200 Speaker 1: keeps happening regardless. But yeah, Sarah, did you have any 419 00:23:38,200 --> 00:23:40,760 Speaker 1: more questions? No, I just wanted to add and I 420 00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:44,720 Speaker 1: realized I was mooted. Oops that she had like three 421 00:23:44,720 --> 00:23:47,880 Speaker 1: strategies in one in that last comment, which is help 422 00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:50,200 Speaker 1: from family members if you're able to do that, obviously, 423 00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:53,119 Speaker 1: not be having things be very close together. That seems 424 00:23:53,119 --> 00:23:55,080 Speaker 1: like a common theme, although it always makes me jealous 425 00:23:55,119 --> 00:23:57,120 Speaker 1: because I work pretty far from where I live. And 426 00:23:57,280 --> 00:23:59,960 Speaker 1: finally doing things in batches and planning, so that was 427 00:24:00,119 --> 00:24:03,720 Speaker 1: like a trifecta of how she made that crazy schedule 428 00:24:03,800 --> 00:24:08,040 Speaker 1: work during that time. Awesome. All right, well, Shilah, thank 429 00:24:08,040 --> 00:24:11,040 Speaker 1: you so much for joining us. We really appreciate it. Well, 430 00:24:11,040 --> 00:24:14,320 Speaker 1: that was fun to learn her large family hacks so 431 00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:15,960 Speaker 1: our Q and a in lou of a Q and 432 00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:18,200 Speaker 1: a and actually in Loua, we were going to do 433 00:24:18,240 --> 00:24:20,320 Speaker 1: a love of the week and then we realized we've 434 00:24:20,400 --> 00:24:22,000 Speaker 1: kind of said what our love of the weeks were 435 00:24:22,040 --> 00:24:24,240 Speaker 1: in the opener of this episode, that Sarah's love of 436 00:24:24,280 --> 00:24:26,639 Speaker 1: the week is getting to buy this box of school 437 00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:29,240 Speaker 1: supplies that's already set together, and my love of the 438 00:24:29,240 --> 00:24:31,360 Speaker 1: week was starting school after Labor Day. And then we're 439 00:24:31,359 --> 00:24:32,879 Speaker 1: looking at her notes and we're like, wait, we already 440 00:24:32,920 --> 00:24:36,960 Speaker 1: said that. So anyway, moving on too, And also in 441 00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:38,920 Speaker 1: lou of A Q and A, we had a couple 442 00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:41,560 Speaker 1: of weeks ago we had a question from a listener 443 00:24:41,600 --> 00:24:44,240 Speaker 1: who wanted to know what she should do before having kids, 444 00:24:44,280 --> 00:24:46,200 Speaker 1: And this was one into this whole digression because of 445 00:24:46,280 --> 00:24:48,640 Speaker 1: course this is my genre of least favorite blog posts. 446 00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:50,840 Speaker 1: It's like the thirty things to do before having children, 447 00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:54,080 Speaker 1: as if your life is over once you have kids, 448 00:24:54,119 --> 00:24:56,520 Speaker 1: and so you know, we were like, yeah, take that 449 00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:58,800 Speaker 1: bucket list trip to New Zealand. But other than that, 450 00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:01,359 Speaker 1: you know, whatever, she traveled for work anyway, so we 451 00:25:01,359 --> 00:25:02,720 Speaker 1: were like, well, maybe she's gonna be stuck in New 452 00:25:02,800 --> 00:25:04,560 Speaker 1: Zealand whether she wants to be or not. So I 453 00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:06,520 Speaker 1: can't really think of much, but of course we were 454 00:25:06,520 --> 00:25:10,200 Speaker 1: being a little bit less practical than many of our 455 00:25:11,040 --> 00:25:14,879 Speaker 1: upstanding citizen blog readers. I wrote in with all the 456 00:25:14,920 --> 00:25:16,720 Speaker 1: things that she should do. So I posted this on 457 00:25:16,760 --> 00:25:20,120 Speaker 1: my blog Laura vander caam dot com, and one of 458 00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:25,080 Speaker 1: our readers gave us a good long list, and Sarah 459 00:25:25,080 --> 00:25:26,960 Speaker 1: loved the list. Right, you were like, oh my god, 460 00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:30,680 Speaker 1: I was so impressed that. I mean, I'm a planner. 461 00:25:30,720 --> 00:25:32,800 Speaker 1: But when I saw this, I was like, well, clearly 462 00:25:33,200 --> 00:25:35,199 Speaker 1: I did not. Yeah, I don't think I did a 463 00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:39,199 Speaker 1: lot of this. She like totally blew me out of 464 00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:40,960 Speaker 1: the water in terms of how much she had thought 465 00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:43,159 Speaker 1: about all the logistics and all these sort of to 466 00:25:43,200 --> 00:25:44,840 Speaker 1: do items that wouldn't have occurred to me. But I 467 00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:48,680 Speaker 1: thought this might be a helpful list for others. So yeah, 468 00:25:48,720 --> 00:25:50,399 Speaker 1: we'll just read through some of them. Were yeah, we 469 00:25:50,400 --> 00:25:52,320 Speaker 1: were going to notice note some of them. Okay, so 470 00:25:52,400 --> 00:25:54,639 Speaker 1: here we go, and I'm gonna I'm gonna truncate a 471 00:25:54,680 --> 00:25:57,760 Speaker 1: little bit. But she mentions she got life insurance because 472 00:25:57,760 --> 00:26:01,760 Speaker 1: you actually get cheaper rates pre pregnancy. She got disability insurance. 473 00:26:02,040 --> 00:26:04,560 Speaker 1: She looked at her health insurance issues. She got serious 474 00:26:04,560 --> 00:26:07,720 Speaker 1: about emergency savings. I will actually give a huge shout 475 00:26:07,760 --> 00:26:09,600 Speaker 1: out to that. I think I mentioned this on the podcast, 476 00:26:09,640 --> 00:26:11,320 Speaker 1: But took us so long to have kids. I had 477 00:26:11,359 --> 00:26:13,920 Speaker 1: been socking away a certain amount every month. By the end, 478 00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:15,600 Speaker 1: I actually had enough to pay for like the first 479 00:26:15,680 --> 00:26:17,840 Speaker 1: year of daycare, which was huge because your post kids' 480 00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:19,840 Speaker 1: expenses are generally going to be a lot higher than 481 00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:21,680 Speaker 1: your pre kids and it helps with the sticker shock 482 00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:23,840 Speaker 1: to have a little bit of a kind of Number one, 483 00:26:23,880 --> 00:26:25,399 Speaker 1: you're used to spending less, and number two, you have 484 00:26:25,400 --> 00:26:28,000 Speaker 1: that money to spend. Okay, so that was good. Back 485 00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:31,159 Speaker 1: to her list, she continuously had conversations with her husband's 486 00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:35,359 Speaker 1: about expectations for family life. Also smart right, like people 487 00:26:35,440 --> 00:26:38,679 Speaker 1: have scripts going back and even if you know, maybe 488 00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:40,920 Speaker 1: you think that you're both on the same page, but 489 00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:44,840 Speaker 1: you've really never discussed it like you've you know, maybe 490 00:26:45,040 --> 00:26:48,480 Speaker 1: one party assumes that the other party will just want 491 00:26:48,520 --> 00:26:51,439 Speaker 1: to get up with the kids on weekend mornings automatically 492 00:26:51,560 --> 00:26:54,480 Speaker 1: or something, I have to discuss the idea of trading off, 493 00:26:54,600 --> 00:26:57,240 Speaker 1: or like, you know, maybe one party assumes that his 494 00:26:57,400 --> 00:27:00,399 Speaker 1: or her career should take precedents and the other party 495 00:27:00,440 --> 00:27:03,160 Speaker 1: does not agree. But these are conversations that people don't 496 00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:06,920 Speaker 1: even really think to have, you know, with the really 497 00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:09,240 Speaker 1: nitty gritty of this. So that's that's great that she's 498 00:27:09,280 --> 00:27:14,000 Speaker 1: doing that. I agree. She attended an flm A f 499 00:27:14,240 --> 00:27:17,120 Speaker 1: m l A training at work and to figure out 500 00:27:17,160 --> 00:27:20,040 Speaker 1: how to use FMLA. Of course, this doesn't apply to everyone, 501 00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:21,880 Speaker 1: depending on the size of the company you work for, 502 00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:23,919 Speaker 1: or if you're in the US or not I mean yes, 503 00:27:24,240 --> 00:27:27,200 Speaker 1: or if you're in the US. Love our international listeners. 504 00:27:27,640 --> 00:27:30,320 Speaker 1: Don't want to leave them out. She started sketching out 505 00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:33,080 Speaker 1: her leave plan. She got to the point where her 506 00:27:33,080 --> 00:27:36,480 Speaker 1: home felt decorated. Well, I still have not that's you 507 00:27:36,480 --> 00:27:38,880 Speaker 1: don't have to do that before you have kids. That's optional. 508 00:27:39,600 --> 00:27:41,840 Speaker 1: She traveled more so we did kind of mention that 509 00:27:42,280 --> 00:27:45,160 Speaker 1: she identified books she wanted to read about fertility, parenting, 510 00:27:45,200 --> 00:27:48,399 Speaker 1: and pregnancy, and read some of the parenting and pregnancy 511 00:27:48,400 --> 00:27:50,399 Speaker 1: books her husband kept picking up from free little libraries 512 00:27:50,440 --> 00:27:53,200 Speaker 1: in the neighborhood. I hope the husband was reading them. Two. Yeah, 513 00:27:53,240 --> 00:27:56,119 Speaker 1: So I will say this that I don't I would 514 00:27:56,160 --> 00:27:59,600 Speaker 1: not necessarily read What to Expect when You're expecting while 515 00:27:59,600 --> 00:28:02,919 Speaker 1: you're a Yeah, there's not all these books they focus 516 00:28:02,960 --> 00:28:05,720 Speaker 1: on all the my because they're supposed to be encyclopedia, 517 00:28:05,800 --> 00:28:07,399 Speaker 1: and so they focus on all these things that can 518 00:28:07,440 --> 00:28:11,520 Speaker 1: go wrong that could happen for reference, for reference, these 519 00:28:11,520 --> 00:28:13,960 Speaker 1: things do not go wrong in the vast majority of 520 00:28:14,880 --> 00:28:18,280 Speaker 1: pregnancies or births or whatever. So it's it's kind of 521 00:28:18,359 --> 00:28:21,240 Speaker 1: like it depends on your personality whether it will help 522 00:28:21,280 --> 00:28:23,200 Speaker 1: you or hurt you. Did not want to do any 523 00:28:23,240 --> 00:28:26,800 Speaker 1: of that stuff, but anyway, she worked on her health, 524 00:28:26,840 --> 00:28:29,959 Speaker 1: so she exercised more, she got regular occupuncture, which, by 525 00:28:30,000 --> 00:28:33,200 Speaker 1: the way, she loved. She occasionally this is so smart. 526 00:28:33,240 --> 00:28:36,840 Speaker 1: Perused Craigslist for big ticket baby items because it's so true, 527 00:28:36,880 --> 00:28:40,160 Speaker 1: like if some wealthy family just had their last kid 528 00:28:40,160 --> 00:28:42,680 Speaker 1: and they're ditching, like, you know, their three Bugaboo strollers 529 00:28:42,760 --> 00:28:44,800 Speaker 1: or whatever, like, you might as well, if you have space, 530 00:28:44,840 --> 00:28:47,240 Speaker 1: which she did, scoop them up while they come up, 531 00:28:47,240 --> 00:28:49,760 Speaker 1: because you never know. And as she said she could, 532 00:28:50,040 --> 00:28:51,760 Speaker 1: she could sell them at a profit, like she was 533 00:28:51,800 --> 00:28:54,080 Speaker 1: only getting the big ticket items that were wrote if 534 00:28:54,120 --> 00:28:56,920 Speaker 1: a kid never happens, I'll sell them for a profit. Brilliant. 535 00:28:58,000 --> 00:28:59,920 Speaker 1: She had more fun with her husbands, and she does 536 00:29:00,080 --> 00:29:02,760 Speaker 1: note that she enjoyed planning her weekends to help, So 537 00:29:02,840 --> 00:29:06,400 Speaker 1: we'll take that as a compliment. She explored hobbies of 538 00:29:06,400 --> 00:29:12,040 Speaker 1: her own. Andrew say that bucha brewing and ukulele lessons 539 00:29:12,080 --> 00:29:14,400 Speaker 1: that is a bit of random. That's impressive. I mean 540 00:29:14,400 --> 00:29:16,320 Speaker 1: that's a lot of hobbies. That's wow. Although I would 541 00:29:16,320 --> 00:29:18,920 Speaker 1: say you could take ukulele lessons after having children too, 542 00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:20,960 Speaker 1: So if that is on your in fact, your baby 543 00:29:21,040 --> 00:29:25,320 Speaker 1: might enjoy that baby or your babies like, stop torturing me. 544 00:29:25,960 --> 00:29:30,520 Speaker 1: So she identified childcare places when we did talk about that. 545 00:29:30,840 --> 00:29:33,880 Speaker 1: She worked on her wills and advanced directives smart smart 546 00:29:33,880 --> 00:29:36,240 Speaker 1: to do that. She went on an international trip with 547 00:29:36,240 --> 00:29:38,320 Speaker 1: her mom. I love that because you know what, while 548 00:29:38,360 --> 00:29:41,240 Speaker 1: you can travel, you might be more likely to travel 549 00:29:41,240 --> 00:29:43,360 Speaker 1: with your family, and that special one on one time 550 00:29:43,360 --> 00:29:45,200 Speaker 1: with your mom might be less likely to happen. So 551 00:29:45,240 --> 00:29:48,040 Speaker 1: I like that. She talked with her in laws about 552 00:29:48,080 --> 00:29:51,760 Speaker 1: how frequently they'd be interested in assisting. Time wise, she 553 00:29:51,880 --> 00:29:56,400 Speaker 1: considered car options, and she researched college saving items, savings items, 554 00:29:56,400 --> 00:29:59,600 Speaker 1: and finally she identified some well this is similar to 555 00:29:59,600 --> 00:30:02,320 Speaker 1: the craigs, but some big ticket baby items to continue 556 00:30:02,320 --> 00:30:07,120 Speaker 1: to source more affordably. Wow. So yeah, long last I 557 00:30:07,160 --> 00:30:10,600 Speaker 1: can't say I did much of that. I did some 558 00:30:10,640 --> 00:30:12,360 Speaker 1: of it. Not all of it, and I'm not saying 559 00:30:12,360 --> 00:30:14,560 Speaker 1: that everyone needs to do all of those things. Certainly 560 00:30:14,680 --> 00:30:17,120 Speaker 1: people's propensity to plan is going to vary. But that 561 00:30:17,160 --> 00:30:18,400 Speaker 1: did bring up a lot of things I might not 562 00:30:18,440 --> 00:30:21,680 Speaker 1: have even thought of, and so hopefully this helps someone else. 563 00:30:21,720 --> 00:30:25,320 Speaker 1: The life insurance one is probably smart, and the savings 564 00:30:25,360 --> 00:30:29,000 Speaker 1: and the FMLA, yeah, just to know what I like. 565 00:30:29,000 --> 00:30:32,960 Speaker 1: The Craigslist one, yeah, I mean it depends like if 566 00:30:33,000 --> 00:30:35,760 Speaker 1: you if you have your heart set on something very 567 00:30:35,760 --> 00:30:38,520 Speaker 1: specific it's super overpriced, or let's say, like you know, 568 00:30:38,560 --> 00:30:41,240 Speaker 1: you want pottery, barn nursery furniture that's like almost new, 569 00:30:41,280 --> 00:30:42,920 Speaker 1: but you really don't want to pay the full price, 570 00:30:43,400 --> 00:30:45,120 Speaker 1: Like just look at it once a week because probably 571 00:30:45,120 --> 00:30:47,440 Speaker 1: you won't find anything. But you also might find something 572 00:30:47,480 --> 00:30:50,080 Speaker 1: like ridiculous, because when people clear out baby stuff, they 573 00:30:50,120 --> 00:30:51,840 Speaker 1: often are just anxious to get at the hell out 574 00:30:51,840 --> 00:30:54,360 Speaker 1: of their house. So it it could it could go 575 00:30:54,480 --> 00:30:57,760 Speaker 1: for very little. So I think, depending on who you are, 576 00:30:57,800 --> 00:31:00,120 Speaker 1: that might be a great thing to do. Yeah, and 577 00:31:00,120 --> 00:31:04,720 Speaker 1: you can play the ukulele apparently, so all right, well 578 00:31:04,760 --> 00:31:08,120 Speaker 1: this has been best of both worlds. We have been 579 00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:13,240 Speaker 1: talking large families and also things. The more practical list 580 00:31:13,320 --> 00:31:16,280 Speaker 1: besides going to New Zealand of things to consider before 581 00:31:16,960 --> 00:31:19,680 Speaker 1: getting pregnant. So we'll be back next week on more 582 00:31:19,760 --> 00:31:25,760 Speaker 1: on making work in life fit together. Thanks for listening. 583 00:31:26,000 --> 00:31:29,080 Speaker 1: You can find me Sarah at the shoebox dot com 584 00:31:29,240 --> 00:31:32,800 Speaker 1: or at the Underscore shoe Box on Instagram, and you 585 00:31:32,840 --> 00:31:37,080 Speaker 1: can find me Laura at Laura vandercam dot com. This 586 00:31:37,120 --> 00:31:40,400 Speaker 1: has been the best of both worlds podcasts. Please join 587 00:31:40,480 --> 00:31:43,200 Speaker 1: us next time for more on making work and life 588 00:31:43,360 --> 00:31:44,040 Speaker 1: work together.