WEBVTT - You Gotta Watch These Bitches 0:00:03.520 --> 0:00:07.360 Welcome to j dot IL, a production of I Heart Radio. 0:00:10.640 --> 0:00:14.080 What's up? Everybody is the Lady General Scott. It is 0:00:14.120 --> 0:00:16.160 a pleasure to be here with you. I am with 0:00:16.280 --> 0:00:22.159 my sister friends, Layah sat Claire. Hello everybody. That's my 0:00:22.200 --> 0:00:28.560 favorite accent and the fantastic age a great and Danzla. 0:00:31.880 --> 0:00:39.560 What we're gonna talk about today? Yeah, oh man, look 0:00:40.320 --> 0:00:42.640 still got a pain on that thing. It's a pain 0:00:42.760 --> 0:00:46.480 on that thing because can our front Bill Cosby added 0:00:46.520 --> 0:00:49.520 a lot to our existence. He really did, came front 0:00:49.520 --> 0:00:59.960 on it, came front on. It. Don't go right because 0:01:00.040 --> 0:01:04.240 I made the I made the fat Albert joint. Yeah, yes, 0:01:07.160 --> 0:01:10.360 and I felt considering everything that we're talking about. But 0:01:10.440 --> 0:01:12.920 the bottom line is, I mean, she's right. These are 0:01:12.959 --> 0:01:15.680 things that kind of cultural things that are kind of 0:01:15.720 --> 0:01:19.840 stuck in our heads, you know, and and it is 0:01:19.880 --> 0:01:22.679 what it is. You still shouldn't drug people and take 0:01:22.720 --> 0:01:24.600 advantage of them. That's just a fact. So I'm just 0:01:24.600 --> 0:01:27.440 gonna say that, but like, no, you should not. Those 0:01:27.440 --> 0:01:31.440 are things you shouldn't do. But it's cool. I mean, 0:01:32.080 --> 0:01:34.959 I'm just saying, I'm just saying there was there was 0:01:35.000 --> 0:01:38.040 a lot of contributions there, but you absolutely should not 0:01:38.160 --> 0:01:41.479 drug people and and touch their parts. No, no, no, no, 0:01:41.520 --> 0:01:43.480 don't no no. I don't know if it's a song 0:01:43.560 --> 0:01:47.120 for that, but I don't know that. I tell you 0:01:47.280 --> 0:01:49.520 it's a lot of predators out here. How about that 0:01:50.080 --> 0:01:54.400 Amen's aid to the mint. It's a whole bunch of them, 0:01:54.960 --> 0:01:59.400 and you'd be surprised. Cool folks are. I just saw 0:01:59.440 --> 0:02:03.720 a video an actress on YouTube not too long ago, um, 0:02:03.840 --> 0:02:06.440 and she was like tongue kissing this little boy in 0:02:06.480 --> 0:02:09.760 the mouth. Boy was like fifteen years old. This was 0:02:09.800 --> 0:02:12.760 a long time ago. The video was very long a 0:02:12.800 --> 0:02:15.520 time ago, but nonetheless, I just saw it for the 0:02:15.560 --> 0:02:18.480 first time yesterday and I was like, damn, she was 0:02:18.520 --> 0:02:21.200 just tongue kissing a little boy over and over again 0:02:21.240 --> 0:02:24.720 in front of other grown people, and they laughed at awful, 0:02:25.720 --> 0:02:29.400 it's all funny. It's so funny, but it's really not. 0:02:30.000 --> 0:02:32.960 It's not funny at all. Look at that young Oh yeah, 0:02:33.040 --> 0:02:36.040 that's that's the langua that goes around it. That hurts 0:02:36.120 --> 0:02:39.960 my stomach. That makes me sick. Actually, I got two sons. 0:02:40.200 --> 0:02:41.919 We got some you know sons around and you don't 0:02:41.919 --> 0:02:44.440 even gotta have a son. It's sick. It makes my 0:02:44.480 --> 0:02:49.640 stomach kurt because it's it's like the things that we 0:02:49.720 --> 0:02:54.080 call normal, the things that we call okay, socially acceptable, 0:02:54.800 --> 0:02:58.640 to be so comfortable with harm makes me sick. But 0:02:58.880 --> 0:03:01.560 you know it's not. It's not I looked at his harm. 0:03:01.680 --> 0:03:04.560 It's not looking as harm at all. I've I've asked. 0:03:04.760 --> 0:03:07.520 You know, I have a lot of male friends, and 0:03:07.800 --> 0:03:10.399 you know, I talked to them about how their sexual 0:03:10.560 --> 0:03:17.000 life began, and most of them, and I'm going to 0:03:17.080 --> 0:03:19.120 go on the high end of most. I'm going to 0:03:19.240 --> 0:03:21.240 say about a good eighty five percent of the men 0:03:21.320 --> 0:03:25.400 that I know all started their sexual experience with some 0:03:25.520 --> 0:03:30.079 grown woman. It wasn't an adult woman, it was a 0:03:30.520 --> 0:03:36.080 teenager just older, the babysitter. I've heard this story a 0:03:36.080 --> 0:03:39.440 million times to Jim, It's a common story. We hear 0:03:39.480 --> 0:03:41.640 it all the time. I just had this conversation to 0:03:41.720 --> 0:03:45.080 day Jail because we full discretion. Jail had brought this 0:03:45.240 --> 0:03:47.760 up in a meet a while ago, this this this topic, 0:03:48.160 --> 0:03:50.000 and so I literally just asked one of my male 0:03:50.040 --> 0:03:52.520 friends today, like, so, did you lose your virginity to 0:03:52.560 --> 0:03:55.440 an older woman? And he was like, most definitely I did, right, 0:03:56.240 --> 0:03:59.080 And I will admit to, like before I really started 0:03:59.120 --> 0:04:03.440 to get home into men and their like their real humanity. 0:04:04.240 --> 0:04:05.800 There was a part of me growing up where I 0:04:05.840 --> 0:04:09.600 would be like, uh, why dudes always tell that same lie? 0:04:09.680 --> 0:04:12.880 They always flexing, Like that's the way that I that's 0:04:12.880 --> 0:04:15.680 the way I processed that information at first, was just 0:04:15.720 --> 0:04:21.640 like you're always lying, Like why y'all? To she was okay, 0:04:21.680 --> 0:04:25.480 I got you, you know, of course she did, you know, 0:04:25.680 --> 0:04:27.520 And so it's like, you know, so there was a 0:04:27.560 --> 0:04:31.200 lot of we just have a way of dehumanizing men, 0:04:32.760 --> 0:04:36.520 that is that makes it possible for something like that 0:04:36.560 --> 0:04:43.200 to happen unchecked like that exactly. I think a lot 0:04:43.240 --> 0:04:47.000 about this, um because I have a son. I'm gonna 0:04:47.040 --> 0:04:49.719 tell you what happened. I'm just gonna tell you. Okay, 0:04:50.560 --> 0:04:53.760 my girlfriend has a son, her and her husband and 0:04:54.440 --> 0:04:57.559 a beautiful young man. Hadn't seen him in a long time, 0:04:57.600 --> 0:05:00.920 and you know, he grew a lot, and I was like, 0:05:01.680 --> 0:05:06.800 that's wow, mummy's looking great. Go ahead, young man, I'll 0:05:06.839 --> 0:05:10.920 see you in my mind. And I caught my mind. 0:05:11.400 --> 0:05:13.720 No no no, no, no, no no no no. Hello. 0:05:14.160 --> 0:05:20.200 If your girlfriend or your her husband his friend could 0:05:20.240 --> 0:05:23.599 hear what you just thought, they'll probably punch you in 0:05:23.600 --> 0:05:28.039 the face and you would deserve it. Get yourself together, like, 0:05:28.200 --> 0:05:33.400 oh it's I'm not saying you can't see. You can see. 0:05:33.880 --> 0:05:37.560 But there's a difference between doing something and not doing 0:05:37.640 --> 0:05:41.000 something about what you're seeing. You know, this is still 0:05:41.040 --> 0:05:44.320 a child, you can still see it in their eyes. Nonetheless, 0:05:44.880 --> 0:05:47.120 I wanted to talk about this today because it just 0:05:47.160 --> 0:05:51.479 seems like it's, um, there's something going on with the 0:05:51.520 --> 0:05:55.440 men um that we know. Listen. I had to pull 0:05:55.520 --> 0:05:57.720 up I had to pull up an expert. You know 0:05:57.839 --> 0:06:01.440 what I'm saying at the grab have a friend who 0:06:01.480 --> 0:06:05.520 can speak further about these things, UM than I possibly could. 0:06:05.720 --> 0:06:09.320 I'm just paying attention to what I'm seeing. Um. I've 0:06:09.360 --> 0:06:14.240 asked my friend, Dr Thurman Webb, who is the CEO 0:06:14.400 --> 0:06:20.640 and founder of Centered Person Consulting and Associate Professor of 0:06:20.720 --> 0:06:25.880 Psychology at Tendency State University. He's also the life coach 0:06:26.040 --> 0:06:29.279 for for several young men that I know, including my 0:06:29.279 --> 0:06:32.080 my own son at the time as well. He's a 0:06:32.120 --> 0:06:35.799 part of my village and he's someone that I deeply 0:06:35.880 --> 0:06:39.800 love and trust and definitely consider a friend. And I 0:06:39.839 --> 0:06:44.200 called him. I called him, I said, what's out Webb? Hi, 0:06:44.440 --> 0:06:51.680 Dr Webb. I'm fantastic. Look, I wanted to talk to 0:06:51.880 --> 0:06:55.080 to a man about this because we you know, Agent 0:06:55.120 --> 0:06:59.719 Grad danver And and myself, um, we have sons and 0:07:00.480 --> 0:07:03.080 Dr Webs has two boys of his own as well, 0:07:03.839 --> 0:07:06.719 and I just wanted to talk to you, like, what 0:07:06.760 --> 0:07:10.840 are you what are your thoughts about so many young 0:07:11.880 --> 0:07:16.440 young men being um, having their first sexual experience or 0:07:16.480 --> 0:07:18.760 their fifth or whatever the case may be with a 0:07:18.840 --> 0:07:23.360 grown ass woman. Yeah, what's going on? It's as popular 0:07:23.400 --> 0:07:27.080 as you all are thinking in this moment? Absolutely, you 0:07:27.080 --> 0:07:29.600 know what I mean. Like it's one thing that identified 0:07:29.600 --> 0:07:31.840 the elephant in the room, is another thing where you 0:07:31.880 --> 0:07:34.040 don't have a label for the elephant that's in the room. 0:07:34.080 --> 0:07:37.480 And this is one of those things. Right, So that 0:07:37.520 --> 0:07:40.239 ain't that ain't sexual, saw, that's not it's not moment, 0:07:40.800 --> 0:07:45.360 it's not it's not all the things that it's all 0:07:45.400 --> 0:07:49.240 of that, right, But it's there's a socialization that happens 0:07:49.320 --> 0:07:52.960 with young men that like when we when we're putting 0:07:52.960 --> 0:07:57.160 masculine energy on them, they're not allowed to be victims. Right, 0:07:57.240 --> 0:08:01.040 So when we see that is that not patriarchy absolutely, 0:08:01.680 --> 0:08:03.880 but like we would be remissed if we weren't saying 0:08:03.920 --> 0:08:06.520 that that's not constantly influencing the way that we exist 0:08:06.600 --> 0:08:09.360 in this world. Right, it ain't right, but it is. 0:08:10.240 --> 0:08:13.160 And that thing like it, even when we're trying to 0:08:13.200 --> 0:08:18.200 combat the system, we inadvertently support it. Right, So they're 0:08:18.200 --> 0:08:21.800 not allowed to be victims. Um, the vulnerability is not 0:08:21.880 --> 0:08:24.400 allowed to show up either, because when you go to 0:08:24.400 --> 0:08:26.760 share the story, believe it or not, it does matter 0:08:27.040 --> 0:08:30.520 how attractive she was, right, And so like the vast 0:08:30.560 --> 0:08:32.559 majority of men that I've talked to who have had 0:08:32.600 --> 0:08:36.360 sexual encounters, you'd be surprised how many of those women 0:08:36.400 --> 0:08:39.520 were married with kids, and and these individuals who are 0:08:40.440 --> 0:08:46.360 fourteen fifteen years old, right, So there's another deviation happening 0:08:46.400 --> 0:08:49.960 there because like what and and these are people who 0:08:50.000 --> 0:08:53.360 are having their first sexual experience. It does something to 0:08:53.559 --> 0:08:57.880 your physiology and how you understand it because you don't 0:08:57.880 --> 0:09:01.640 have enough experience to context to allige that sensation you're 0:09:01.720 --> 0:09:06.200 feeling as pleasure. Right, So so that's that throws the 0:09:06.240 --> 0:09:09.000 whole system off, like, because how can I please a woman? 0:09:09.040 --> 0:09:11.520 And this is just a new feeling that I'm feeling altogether. 0:09:12.160 --> 0:09:14.079 But the thing is, she's not in it for pleasure. 0:09:14.240 --> 0:09:16.840 She's in it for the trick of it, right, She's 0:09:16.840 --> 0:09:19.320 in it for the turnout of it. So it's it's 0:09:19.360 --> 0:09:22.400 almost a power it's a power play because what could 0:09:22.440 --> 0:09:25.480 she possibly be getting from someone who has no experience 0:09:25.600 --> 0:09:29.480 this is their first time. However, she finds satisfaction to 0:09:29.559 --> 0:09:32.200 repeat that act. This what you're how you're explaining this 0:09:32.880 --> 0:09:35.760 sounds almost identical to the way we describe it when 0:09:35.800 --> 0:09:38.800 it happens to young girls. I think it's so. I mean, 0:09:38.840 --> 0:09:40.960 like the language you're using about it being our power 0:09:41.000 --> 0:09:44.000 and not sex, about not being able to contextualize the 0:09:44.000 --> 0:09:47.840 pleasure that you feel. These are all things that I 0:09:47.960 --> 0:09:49.880 just it's I'm sorry, I mean interrupt you, but this 0:09:49.960 --> 0:09:51.920 is sad to me that we don't then use the 0:09:52.000 --> 0:09:54.439 same language when we talk about boys in this particular 0:09:54.520 --> 0:09:59.280 kind of experience. It's it's it's molestation as sexual assault. Yeah, 0:09:59.280 --> 0:10:02.240 but it stops in about the situation if the situation 0:10:02.280 --> 0:10:05.880 stays the same. But are the way we talk about 0:10:05.880 --> 0:10:07.840 it is what changes? It stops being about that and 0:10:07.840 --> 0:10:12.840 it starts being about us, And then you inadvertly become complicit. 0:10:14.160 --> 0:10:16.120 And that's what a lot of older black men end 0:10:16.200 --> 0:10:18.200 up doing. The younger Black boys who are trying to 0:10:18.320 --> 0:10:22.559 make sense of this new feeling and why it felt exploited. 0:10:24.000 --> 0:10:26.160 How because keep in mind, I have to sacrifice a 0:10:26.200 --> 0:10:28.200 piece of my innocence in order to get into that 0:10:28.280 --> 0:10:32.280 intimate space, Like that's the trade off to get the insight. 0:10:32.400 --> 0:10:34.480 I gotta give up some of my innocence. But how 0:10:34.480 --> 0:10:36.280 can I talk to that and black men we ain't 0:10:36.280 --> 0:10:38.480 been vulnerable about it? And then we want to pack 0:10:38.520 --> 0:10:41.920 you on the back, like you hit that you got 0:10:41.960 --> 0:10:44.600 into that. So now I can't even have a decent 0:10:44.640 --> 0:10:48.079 conversation around the stuff that I'm feeling. And technically it 0:10:48.640 --> 0:10:50.400 doesn't seem like as much you can do from a 0:10:50.440 --> 0:10:52.680 black female perspective, because there's certain things you need to 0:10:52.720 --> 0:10:55.959 be validated too. But if we talk, if we talk 0:10:56.040 --> 0:10:58.079 about it and it's aggressive sense, and we say that 0:10:58.080 --> 0:11:01.280 that's rape, go at the young man, what rape is 0:11:01.840 --> 0:11:04.320 the vast majority gonna say, when when a when a 0:11:04.400 --> 0:11:09.440 man penetrates a woman? All right, cool, Now that doesn't 0:11:09.480 --> 0:11:13.880 apply to the woman raping him. So he don't even 0:11:13.880 --> 0:11:16.480 have a working definition for rape, for what rape looks 0:11:16.520 --> 0:11:19.160 like on him. But I think that's that's part of 0:11:19.440 --> 0:11:22.480 a huge misunderstanding we have around what rape culture and 0:11:22.520 --> 0:11:26.920 what rape is period because women, I mean, well, all 0:11:27.000 --> 0:11:30.240 people who are assaulted end up in a situation where 0:11:30.280 --> 0:11:32.720 they have a difficult time trying to express what has 0:11:32.760 --> 0:11:35.120 happened to them because there's a lack of language and 0:11:35.200 --> 0:11:38.959 understanding around what actually happened to them. And it doesn't 0:11:38.960 --> 0:11:43.600 surprise me that boys find themselves lost in this moment 0:11:43.679 --> 0:11:46.280 because I mean, you said something that that really touched me, 0:11:46.320 --> 0:11:50.200 where you said when you put masculinity on the experience, 0:11:50.880 --> 0:11:54.880 then it doesn't allow them to feel like a victim 0:11:54.920 --> 0:11:58.560 because to be masculine is is does not align with 0:11:58.679 --> 0:12:03.000 being victimized exactly. And so that that act becomes the 0:12:03.040 --> 0:12:07.240 initiation for the next sexual acts that they follow, right 0:12:08.840 --> 0:12:11.880 with a girl who is probably their age exactly. And 0:12:11.880 --> 0:12:15.040 guess what happened though, because there's not a lot of 0:12:15.040 --> 0:12:21.320 experience there, they mimic the power differentiation. WHOA. Then they 0:12:21.360 --> 0:12:23.920 get into something with somebody who's kind of you know, 0:12:24.000 --> 0:12:26.680 in the same bracket, and then they want to dominate 0:12:26.720 --> 0:12:29.400 that space, and then it stops being about pleasure and 0:12:29.440 --> 0:12:31.200 intimacy and all that. They keep in mind, you're still 0:12:31.240 --> 0:12:34.360 young in your sexual experience that's new to you anyway, 0:12:34.480 --> 0:12:36.400 Hell us a lot of adults that they figured that out. 0:12:38.000 --> 0:12:40.320 But now the best thing that you have is to 0:12:40.440 --> 0:12:47.800 mimic the dominance that you experienced. M We're gonna take 0:12:47.800 --> 0:13:00.280 a quick break and then we'll be right back. You know. 0:13:00.320 --> 0:13:03.160 I saw this interview with d Ray Davis, a comedian 0:13:03.240 --> 0:13:05.800 and I'm only saying his name because he has been, 0:13:06.240 --> 0:13:08.480 you know, pretty public about it. And he said that 0:13:08.640 --> 0:13:12.920 some adult person um or someone that was older than 0:13:13.000 --> 0:13:15.600 him forced him to go down her when he was 0:13:15.800 --> 0:13:18.560 a kid, like somewhere between the ages of nine and 0:13:18.600 --> 0:13:22.760 thirteen years old, and because of that, it triggers something 0:13:22.800 --> 0:13:25.320 in him. And he said, you know, he doesn't matter 0:13:25.320 --> 0:13:28.520 how much he loves a woman or or how much 0:13:28.520 --> 0:13:30.720 he wants to be with her or to please her, 0:13:30.800 --> 0:13:35.280 that is something that he cannot do. And I can't 0:13:35.320 --> 0:13:39.800 imagine how many young men, or how many men in general, 0:13:40.040 --> 0:13:43.080 who have had that kind of experience where they were 0:13:43.800 --> 0:13:48.760 forced to do something that, um, they clearly are too 0:13:48.760 --> 0:13:52.160 young to be doing, first of all, especially and especially 0:13:52.160 --> 0:13:54.480 with the dog on adult you know what I'm saying, 0:13:54.559 --> 0:13:56.800 Or somebody way older than them, their baby said, or 0:13:56.840 --> 0:14:02.120 somebody that was put in charge of their hair. So 0:14:03.120 --> 0:14:08.120 you it made me think like, damn, maybe maybe there's 0:14:08.120 --> 0:14:14.040 a reason why there's an animosity towards women if this 0:14:14.120 --> 0:14:18.760 is the first, you know, experience of so many males, 0:14:20.400 --> 0:14:25.560 you know, maybe there's there's a reason why, Yeah, I'll 0:14:25.560 --> 0:14:29.200 give you, um, I'll keep giving you babies and not 0:14:29.360 --> 0:14:31.080 take care of them and not take care of you. 0:14:31.480 --> 0:14:35.080 Maybe that's why I strain you along for for years 0:14:35.080 --> 0:14:37.040 and years as much as I possibly can and not 0:14:37.160 --> 0:14:42.920 commit to anything. Maybe there's a real reason why men 0:14:43.040 --> 0:14:46.640 may not really like us that much if this is 0:14:46.680 --> 0:14:50.480 their first experience. You know, you were like, like, man, 0:14:50.560 --> 0:14:53.680 we we there's something that happens that we call psycho 0:14:53.960 --> 0:14:59.240 sexually arrested. So like when you when when that happens you, 0:14:59.240 --> 0:15:03.240 you get psycho sexually arrested, which means that your sexual 0:15:03.280 --> 0:15:07.760 response is that of the wounded child. So you respond 0:15:07.800 --> 0:15:11.480 to that sexual situation in the same way of when 0:15:11.480 --> 0:15:14.800 the abuse actually happened to you. So it's almost like 0:15:14.920 --> 0:15:20.600 an intimacy aversion, just like you have taste of versions, 0:15:21.600 --> 0:15:23.440 and then that's the thing that you show up with 0:15:23.560 --> 0:15:25.920 like to this day, you know, just a little disclosure 0:15:26.360 --> 0:15:30.400 because of my colleges. I cannot smell hypnotic or alas 0:15:30.440 --> 0:15:34.360 a like. It puts me in a bad way, you 0:15:34.400 --> 0:15:37.040 know what I mean. But and and so when I 0:15:37.080 --> 0:15:40.480 smell it, it automatically catapulsts me back to when I 0:15:40.560 --> 0:15:43.760 had no control of it coming back up. The intimacy 0:15:43.760 --> 0:15:47.560 of version happens the same way. And so you show 0:15:47.640 --> 0:15:51.400 up as that child again, like that vulnerability of that child, 0:15:51.400 --> 0:15:53.680 you know, that innocence that we referred to earlier, Like 0:15:53.760 --> 0:15:56.240 that comes back up. And as a man, one of 0:15:56.240 --> 0:15:59.040 the things that masculine energy says to us is that 0:15:59.320 --> 0:16:02.280 I should and I have to be able to protect myself. 0:16:02.280 --> 0:16:05.760 But as a child, you couldn't do that. So you 0:16:05.800 --> 0:16:08.280 don't want to be in that position again. And then 0:16:08.320 --> 0:16:17.280 and then, because the music and the TV shows hyper 0:16:17.360 --> 0:16:22.320 sexualized men in such a way, you know, they're getting 0:16:22.400 --> 0:16:27.520 all of all of pussy, just getting it all. It 0:16:27.560 --> 0:16:31.160 makes me feel like it makes again makes me feel 0:16:31.200 --> 0:16:34.440 like maybe they just don't like us, you know, maybe 0:16:34.440 --> 0:16:41.560 they've had such had an experience that um prohibitive prohibits 0:16:41.560 --> 0:16:44.720 them from giving the damn for instance, it's too general. 0:16:45.440 --> 0:16:47.760 Because I'm trying to understand, I feel like there's a 0:16:47.800 --> 0:16:51.520 little hat for going on. It's not that they don't 0:16:51.560 --> 0:16:55.720 like women, they don't like the feeling, and so like, 0:16:55.920 --> 0:16:57.400 I don't like the feeling, so I got to do 0:16:57.480 --> 0:17:00.200 the things to avoid the feeling. The feeling is the 0:17:00.280 --> 0:17:03.600 universal thing, like that may not have the same experience 0:17:03.600 --> 0:17:05.600 that elicited the feeling, but I can meet you at 0:17:05.600 --> 0:17:08.080 the feeling, right, We say that all the time, But 0:17:08.160 --> 0:17:10.879 I don't like the feeling. And when we're talking about 0:17:10.920 --> 0:17:14.359 something as specific as intimacy and sex and how I 0:17:14.440 --> 0:17:16.719 came to like the only way like to get in 0:17:16.720 --> 0:17:20.040 that space, which is celebrated by most men, elicits that feeling. 0:17:20.480 --> 0:17:23.120 So that at a version has me like, I can't 0:17:23.119 --> 0:17:25.199 be vulnerable in that space. I have to dominate the 0:17:25.200 --> 0:17:28.880 space because the vulnerability feels weak. And the reason why 0:17:29.400 --> 0:17:34.120 we we vilify vulnerability is that oftentimes, and maybe the 0:17:34.160 --> 0:17:38.200 thing that you're thinking about women, is that we vilify 0:17:38.359 --> 0:17:42.840 vulnerability by then calling vulnerability a female or a or 0:17:42.920 --> 0:17:46.840 a feminine trait, and that makes it therefore weaker than 0:17:46.880 --> 0:17:51.920 being masculine. So it's like, if vulnerability represents womanhood or femininity, 0:17:52.000 --> 0:17:55.080 and and then we say femininity is beneath or lower 0:17:55.240 --> 0:17:57.560 or not as strong as masculinity, then of course who 0:17:57.600 --> 0:18:01.199 wants to be associated with that. So there's the feeling, 0:18:01.320 --> 0:18:03.520 and then there's also kind of like what we tell 0:18:04.280 --> 0:18:09.479 young people or young men that that feeling projects. So 0:18:09.520 --> 0:18:11.399 it's like, I don't want to feel this feeling, and 0:18:11.440 --> 0:18:13.959 I definitely don't want to project feeling this feeling in 0:18:14.080 --> 0:18:16.760 public because then I'm not a man, or then I'm 0:18:16.800 --> 0:18:21.400 not you know, and I just reject everything that's not manly. 0:18:22.040 --> 0:18:24.439 I watched this movie called Notes on the Scandal. I 0:18:24.440 --> 0:18:26.160 don't know if you guys have ever seen this. It's 0:18:26.200 --> 0:18:31.120 with Um Dane, Judy Dench and Um I can't think 0:18:31.119 --> 0:18:33.399 of the other name. Lady's name who I adore. I 0:18:33.440 --> 0:18:36.679 think she's fantastic actress. But what happened in the movie 0:18:36.720 --> 0:18:41.159 is that a teacher, Because you know, they're getting arrested 0:18:41.440 --> 0:18:45.040 every month for for having sex with some little boy 0:18:45.200 --> 0:18:50.160 in their class. It's happening a lot. We can't ignore this. 0:18:51.280 --> 0:18:55.000 Anybody who's got a brother or a son or nephew, 0:18:55.600 --> 0:18:58.520 you gotta watch these bitches. I'm sorry I said what 0:18:58.640 --> 0:19:04.520 I said, You gotta watch these bitches. You cannot leave 0:19:04.600 --> 0:19:07.560 everybody alone with your child. We say this stuff about 0:19:07.560 --> 0:19:10.320 our daughters, or we can't leave our daughters with everybody. 0:19:10.359 --> 0:19:13.920 That's right, we also cannot leave our sons with everybody. Yes, 0:19:13.960 --> 0:19:16.000 you gotta watch people, period. But also we have to 0:19:16.040 --> 0:19:19.840 consider the fact that we assume also certain things about 0:19:20.119 --> 0:19:23.919 femininity that it's also nurturing. So we leave children with 0:19:23.920 --> 0:19:26.640 women because we believe them to be more nurturing than men. 0:19:28.240 --> 0:19:30.880 So if we if if we actually left our children 0:19:30.920 --> 0:19:35.280 with people who were actually nurturing, regardless of their sex 0:19:35.840 --> 0:19:38.919 then or gender, then we would be in a different place. 0:19:39.000 --> 0:19:41.200 We would be judging people who needed to be around 0:19:41.200 --> 0:19:43.840 our children based on their actions and not based on 0:19:43.960 --> 0:19:46.480 just what they show up as. And that's that backdoor 0:19:46.520 --> 0:19:51.240 support of patriarchy. You see, you inadvertently supported the system 0:19:51.560 --> 0:19:55.320 because I expect the female to be the nurturing individual 0:19:55.840 --> 0:20:02.760 as if she can't hunt to oh s, sorry, And 0:20:02.800 --> 0:20:07.919 that's that's exactly what's happening. You see it all the time, 0:20:08.840 --> 0:20:11.560 and you wonder, you know, I know, I wonder. I'm like, 0:20:11.680 --> 0:20:15.320 why is why is this? Why is this inability? It 0:20:15.400 --> 0:20:19.880 can't just be because you didn't see healthy relationships. That's 0:20:19.880 --> 0:20:23.280 not the only reason. You know, if if you're heterosexual 0:20:23.560 --> 0:20:26.280 and you know you want a relationship with the think 0:20:26.359 --> 0:20:29.480 you might want a relationship with the woman, Like what 0:20:29.480 --> 0:20:32.879 what is What's what's the big halt? And if the 0:20:32.920 --> 0:20:35.800 reality is most of the men that you know have 0:20:35.920 --> 0:20:41.360 been sexually assaulted by some woman. Hi, So when you 0:20:41.400 --> 0:20:47.280 take that shame and that humiliation from being sexually abused 0:20:47.640 --> 0:20:50.840 and you asked him to revisit that moment to prove 0:20:50.920 --> 0:20:55.399 his masculinity, of course he's gonna show up anger, not 0:20:55.520 --> 0:20:58.320 at the woman, but at the moment. See, that's so 0:20:58.440 --> 0:21:01.800 much complexity and simplis city. So when we look at 0:21:01.800 --> 0:21:05.760 a simple act of intimacy, the complexity is at all 0:21:05.800 --> 0:21:09.080 about the experiences that informed that moment. He's bringing all 0:21:09.080 --> 0:21:11.280 of that rage and that anger to that Why because 0:21:11.520 --> 0:21:13.960 he shows up as the protector he wished he had 0:21:13.960 --> 0:21:16.280 when he was abused, So he knows he on the 0:21:16.280 --> 0:21:19.399 scandal not to not to. I just wanted to just 0:21:19.400 --> 0:21:22.919 bring it back here. The woman that was was having 0:21:23.119 --> 0:21:26.439 sex with the with the young boy. Two things happened. 0:21:26.600 --> 0:21:30.199 One of them made me very happy. The mother, you know, 0:21:30.400 --> 0:21:35.680 finds out and whoops that ass And I I appreciated 0:21:35.760 --> 0:21:40.680 that moment because I feel like that's fair. The other 0:21:40.800 --> 0:21:43.160 thing is I believe she ended up having to go 0:21:43.359 --> 0:21:47.400 and spend some time in jail. Now, Agent I had 0:21:47.400 --> 0:21:51.679 this conversation and her being an abolitionist or in the 0:21:51.760 --> 0:21:57.159 journey to be an abolition so there's no jail time. 0:21:57.480 --> 0:22:00.639 I also feel like sexual predators may need to have 0:22:00.840 --> 0:22:04.439 their weapons taken around. Oh Lord Jesus, I don't. I 0:22:04.440 --> 0:22:07.439 don't like people that that that mess around with kids. 0:22:07.560 --> 0:22:10.440 I just can't. I can't do that. I can't do that. 0:22:11.200 --> 0:22:15.880 You also know that those kinds of perversions are not 0:22:15.960 --> 0:22:18.560 necessary that you know, it's not about the sex, it's 0:22:18.600 --> 0:22:24.240 about the you know, the power. Okay, three things. First 0:22:24.240 --> 0:22:30.040 of all, Okay, so prison as a general rule does 0:22:30.160 --> 0:22:36.359 not do anything to actually stop crime or or stop 0:22:36.440 --> 0:22:42.160 people from wanting to do crime, or fixes them or anything. 0:22:42.200 --> 0:22:45.439 Prison as we know it does not accomplish that. So 0:22:46.760 --> 0:22:49.439 there's to say that someone should do jail time because 0:22:49.480 --> 0:22:52.200 that then aligns with the emotion that you're feeling at 0:22:52.200 --> 0:22:55.040 the time, because you you what you want is reciprocity 0:22:55.040 --> 0:22:57.679 and justice, and you only choose the one thing that 0:22:57.760 --> 0:23:01.760 you have at your disposal, is is an emotional response 0:23:01.800 --> 0:23:05.800 that doesn't actually you know, fix your issue. So that's 0:23:05.840 --> 0:23:08.400 the reason why I'm like, well, go to jail. That's 0:23:08.440 --> 0:23:12.280 our goal to put into jail. Second, with castration or 0:23:12.320 --> 0:23:15.600 something like that, we live, I mean, until we fix 0:23:15.640 --> 0:23:17.719 the society we live in. You and I both know 0:23:17.840 --> 0:23:21.240 that something like that will more likely happen to brown women, 0:23:21.960 --> 0:23:24.080 and more likely happened to brown women who may or 0:23:24.119 --> 0:23:27.199 may not be guilty. But because that's an option and 0:23:27.240 --> 0:23:31.080 a tool for white supremacist, capitalistic society, they're gonna use 0:23:31.119 --> 0:23:33.760 it on us with impunity. They're just gonna say, you 0:23:33.800 --> 0:23:35.680 know what fun it she needs to have hercuch you 0:23:35.760 --> 0:23:37.760 sold up, or her clitter is cut off or whatever 0:23:37.800 --> 0:23:39.760 it is. That's what that looks like for a woman. 0:23:40.320 --> 0:23:43.199 And they've and they're already doing this to us and 0:23:43.280 --> 0:23:44.919 have a history of doing this to us. And it 0:23:45.000 --> 0:23:47.080 is a tool that is is a tool of torture 0:23:47.160 --> 0:23:51.639 that though in the emotion of wanting justice, and let 0:23:51.680 --> 0:23:54.080 me just say this, you can I think this is yeah, 0:23:54.080 --> 0:23:55.760 but I think I think this is RD lorrid. So 0:23:55.840 --> 0:23:59.000 forgive me. But she said, you can't dismantle the Master's 0:23:59.000 --> 0:24:03.600 house with the Master's tools. You need different tools. You 0:24:03.760 --> 0:24:06.919 need different tools. You can't you can't utilize these tools. 0:24:07.359 --> 0:24:09.439 And that doesn't mean that I don't think, Well, what 0:24:09.520 --> 0:24:13.000 about in this situation when this this teacher is pregnant 0:24:13.000 --> 0:24:15.960 by one of her students, Because we say that a question, 0:24:16.160 --> 0:24:19.119 where are you aligning yourself dr webbing these solutions? How 0:24:19.280 --> 0:24:21.919 you feel about this? For me, that's a it's a 0:24:21.960 --> 0:24:24.159 slippery slope. Like even if we were to cash straight 0:24:24.240 --> 0:24:25.920 or we were just just sew up that, you know 0:24:25.920 --> 0:24:28.000 what I'm saying that the private parts, like it doesn't 0:24:28.040 --> 0:24:31.720