1
00:00:03,520 --> 00:00:07,360
Speaker 1: Welcome to j dot IL, a production of I Heart Radio.

2
00:00:10,640 --> 00:00:14,080
Speaker 1: What's up? Everybody is the Lady General Scott. It is

3
00:00:14,120 --> 00:00:16,160
Speaker 1: a pleasure to be here with you. I am with

4
00:00:16,280 --> 00:00:22,159
Speaker 1: my sister friends, Layah sat Claire. Hello everybody. That's my

5
00:00:22,200 --> 00:00:28,560
Speaker 1: favorite accent and the fantastic age a great and Danzla.

6
00:00:31,880 --> 00:00:39,560
Speaker 1: What we're gonna talk about today? Yeah, oh man, look

7
00:00:40,320 --> 00:00:42,640
Speaker 1: still got a pain on that thing. It's a pain

8
00:00:42,760 --> 00:00:46,480
Speaker 1: on that thing because can our front Bill Cosby added

9
00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:49,520
Speaker 1: a lot to our existence. He really did, came front

10
00:00:49,520 --> 00:00:59,960
Speaker 1: on it, came front on. It. Don't go right because

11
00:01:00,040 --> 00:01:04,240
Speaker 1: I made the I made the fat Albert joint. Yeah, yes,

12
00:01:07,160 --> 00:01:10,360
Speaker 1: and I felt considering everything that we're talking about. But

13
00:01:10,440 --> 00:01:12,920
Speaker 1: the bottom line is, I mean, she's right. These are

14
00:01:12,959 --> 00:01:15,680
Speaker 1: things that kind of cultural things that are kind of

15
00:01:15,720 --> 00:01:19,840
Speaker 1: stuck in our heads, you know, and and it is

16
00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:22,679
Speaker 1: what it is. You still shouldn't drug people and take

17
00:01:22,720 --> 00:01:24,600
Speaker 1: advantage of them. That's just a fact. So I'm just

18
00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:27,440
Speaker 1: gonna say that, but like, no, you should not. Those

19
00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:31,440
Speaker 1: are things you shouldn't do. But it's cool. I mean,

20
00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:34,959
Speaker 1: I'm just saying, I'm just saying there was there was

21
00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:38,040
Speaker 1: a lot of contributions there, but you absolutely should not

22
00:01:38,160 --> 00:01:41,479
Speaker 1: drug people and and touch their parts. No, no, no, no,

23
00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:43,480
Speaker 1: don't no no. I don't know if it's a song

24
00:01:43,560 --> 00:01:47,120
Speaker 1: for that, but I don't know that. I tell you

25
00:01:47,280 --> 00:01:49,520
Speaker 1: it's a lot of predators out here. How about that

26
00:01:50,080 --> 00:01:54,400
Speaker 1: Amen's aid to the mint. It's a whole bunch of them,

27
00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:59,400
Speaker 1: and you'd be surprised. Cool folks are. I just saw

28
00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:03,720
Speaker 1: a video an actress on YouTube not too long ago, um,

29
00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:06,440
Speaker 1: and she was like tongue kissing this little boy in

30
00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:09,760
Speaker 1: the mouth. Boy was like fifteen years old. This was

31
00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:12,760
Speaker 1: a long time ago. The video was very long a

32
00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:15,520
Speaker 1: time ago, but nonetheless, I just saw it for the

33
00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:18,480
Speaker 1: first time yesterday and I was like, damn, she was

34
00:02:18,520 --> 00:02:21,200
Speaker 1: just tongue kissing a little boy over and over again

35
00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:24,720
Speaker 1: in front of other grown people, and they laughed at awful,

36
00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:29,400
Speaker 1: it's all funny. It's so funny, but it's really not.

37
00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:32,960
Speaker 1: It's not funny at all. Look at that young Oh yeah,

38
00:02:33,040 --> 00:02:36,040
Speaker 1: that's that's the langua that goes around it. That hurts

39
00:02:36,120 --> 00:02:39,960
Speaker 1: my stomach. That makes me sick. Actually, I got two sons.

40
00:02:40,200 --> 00:02:41,919
Speaker 1: We got some you know sons around and you don't

41
00:02:41,919 --> 00:02:44,440
Speaker 1: even gotta have a son. It's sick. It makes my

42
00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:49,640
Speaker 1: stomach kurt because it's it's like the things that we

43
00:02:49,720 --> 00:02:54,080
Speaker 1: call normal, the things that we call okay, socially acceptable,

44
00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:58,640
Speaker 1: to be so comfortable with harm makes me sick. But

45
00:02:58,880 --> 00:03:01,560
Speaker 1: you know it's not. It's not I looked at his harm.

46
00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:04,560
Speaker 1: It's not looking as harm at all. I've I've asked.

47
00:03:04,760 --> 00:03:07,520
Speaker 1: You know, I have a lot of male friends, and

48
00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:10,399
Speaker 1: you know, I talked to them about how their sexual

49
00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:17,000
Speaker 1: life began, and most of them, and I'm going to

50
00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:19,120
Speaker 1: go on the high end of most. I'm going to

51
00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:21,240
Speaker 1: say about a good eighty five percent of the men

52
00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:25,400
Speaker 1: that I know all started their sexual experience with some

53
00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:30,079
Speaker 1: grown woman. It wasn't an adult woman, it was a

54
00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:36,080
Speaker 1: teenager just older, the babysitter. I've heard this story a

55
00:03:36,080 --> 00:03:39,440
Speaker 1: million times to Jim, It's a common story. We hear

56
00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:41,640
Speaker 1: it all the time. I just had this conversation to

57
00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:45,080
Speaker 1: day Jail because we full discretion. Jail had brought this

58
00:03:45,240 --> 00:03:47,760
Speaker 1: up in a meet a while ago, this this this topic,

59
00:03:48,160 --> 00:03:50,000
Speaker 1: and so I literally just asked one of my male

60
00:03:50,040 --> 00:03:52,520
Speaker 1: friends today, like, so, did you lose your virginity to

61
00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:55,440
Speaker 1: an older woman? And he was like, most definitely I did, right,

62
00:03:56,240 --> 00:03:59,080
Speaker 1: And I will admit to, like before I really started

63
00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:03,440
Speaker 1: to get home into men and their like their real humanity.

64
00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:05,800
Speaker 1: There was a part of me growing up where I

65
00:04:05,840 --> 00:04:09,600
Speaker 1: would be like, uh, why dudes always tell that same lie?

66
00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:12,880
Speaker 1: They always flexing, Like that's the way that I that's

67
00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:15,680
Speaker 1: the way I processed that information at first, was just

68
00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:21,640
Speaker 1: like you're always lying, Like why y'all? To she was okay,

69
00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:25,480
Speaker 1: I got you, you know, of course she did, you know,

70
00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:27,520
Speaker 1: And so it's like, you know, so there was a

71
00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:31,200
Speaker 1: lot of we just have a way of dehumanizing men,

72
00:04:32,760 --> 00:04:36,520
Speaker 1: that is that makes it possible for something like that

73
00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:43,200
Speaker 1: to happen unchecked like that exactly. I think a lot

74
00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:47,000
Speaker 1: about this, um because I have a son. I'm gonna

75
00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:49,719
Speaker 1: tell you what happened. I'm just gonna tell you. Okay,

76
00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:53,760
Speaker 1: my girlfriend has a son, her and her husband and

77
00:04:54,440 --> 00:04:57,559
Speaker 1: a beautiful young man. Hadn't seen him in a long time,

78
00:04:57,600 --> 00:05:00,920
Speaker 1: and you know, he grew a lot, and I was like,

79
00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:06,800
Speaker 1: that's wow, mummy's looking great. Go ahead, young man, I'll

80
00:05:06,839 --> 00:05:10,920
Speaker 1: see you in my mind. And I caught my mind.

81
00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:13,720
Speaker 1: No no no, no, no, no no no no. Hello.

82
00:05:14,160 --> 00:05:20,200
Speaker 1: If your girlfriend or your her husband his friend could

83
00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:23,599
Speaker 1: hear what you just thought, they'll probably punch you in

84
00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:28,039
Speaker 1: the face and you would deserve it. Get yourself together, like,

85
00:05:28,200 --> 00:05:33,400
Speaker 1: oh it's I'm not saying you can't see. You can see.

86
00:05:33,880 --> 00:05:37,560
Speaker 1: But there's a difference between doing something and not doing

87
00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:41,000
Speaker 1: something about what you're seeing. You know, this is still

88
00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:44,320
Speaker 1: a child, you can still see it in their eyes. Nonetheless,

89
00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:47,120
Speaker 1: I wanted to talk about this today because it just

90
00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:51,479
Speaker 1: seems like it's, um, there's something going on with the

91
00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:55,440
Speaker 1: men um that we know. Listen. I had to pull

92
00:05:55,520 --> 00:05:57,720
Speaker 1: up I had to pull up an expert. You know

93
00:05:57,839 --> 00:06:01,440
Speaker 1: what I'm saying at the grab have a friend who

94
00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:05,520
Speaker 1: can speak further about these things, UM than I possibly could.

95
00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:09,320
Speaker 1: I'm just paying attention to what I'm seeing. Um. I've

96
00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:14,240
Speaker 1: asked my friend, Dr Thurman Webb, who is the CEO

97
00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:20,640
Speaker 1: and founder of Centered Person Consulting and Associate Professor of

98
00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:25,880
Speaker 1: Psychology at Tendency State University. He's also the life coach

99
00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:29,279
Speaker 1: for for several young men that I know, including my

100
00:06:29,279 --> 00:06:32,080
Speaker 1: my own son at the time as well. He's a

101
00:06:32,120 --> 00:06:35,799
Speaker 1: part of my village and he's someone that I deeply

102
00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:39,800
Speaker 1: love and trust and definitely consider a friend. And I

103
00:06:39,839 --> 00:06:44,200
Speaker 1: called him. I called him, I said, what's out Webb? Hi,

104
00:06:44,440 --> 00:06:51,680
Speaker 1: Dr Webb. I'm fantastic. Look, I wanted to talk to

105
00:06:51,880 --> 00:06:55,080
Speaker 1: to a man about this because we you know, Agent

106
00:06:55,120 --> 00:06:59,719
Speaker 1: Grad danver And and myself, um, we have sons and

107
00:07:00,480 --> 00:07:03,080
Speaker 1: Dr Webs has two boys of his own as well,

108
00:07:03,839 --> 00:07:06,719
Speaker 1: and I just wanted to talk to you, like, what

109
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:10,840
Speaker 1: are you what are your thoughts about so many young

110
00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:16,440
Speaker 1: young men being um, having their first sexual experience or

111
00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:18,760
Speaker 1: their fifth or whatever the case may be with a

112
00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:23,360
Speaker 1: grown ass woman. Yeah, what's going on? It's as popular

113
00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:27,080
Speaker 1: as you all are thinking in this moment? Absolutely, you

114
00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:29,600
Speaker 1: know what I mean. Like it's one thing that identified

115
00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:31,840
Speaker 1: the elephant in the room, is another thing where you

116
00:07:31,880 --> 00:07:34,040
Speaker 1: don't have a label for the elephant that's in the room.

117
00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:37,480
Speaker 1: And this is one of those things. Right, So that

118
00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:40,239
Speaker 1: ain't that ain't sexual, saw, that's not it's not moment,

119
00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:45,360
Speaker 1: it's not it's not all the things that it's all

120
00:07:45,400 --> 00:07:49,240
Speaker 1: of that, right, But it's there's a socialization that happens

121
00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:52,960
Speaker 1: with young men that like when we when we're putting

122
00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:57,160
Speaker 1: masculine energy on them, they're not allowed to be victims. Right,

123
00:07:57,240 --> 00:08:01,040
Speaker 1: So when we see that is that not patriarchy absolutely,

124
00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:03,880
Speaker 1: but like we would be remissed if we weren't saying

125
00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:06,520
Speaker 1: that that's not constantly influencing the way that we exist

126
00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:09,360
Speaker 1: in this world. Right, it ain't right, but it is.

127
00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:13,160
Speaker 1: And that thing like it, even when we're trying to

128
00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:18,200
Speaker 1: combat the system, we inadvertently support it. Right, So they're

129
00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:21,800
Speaker 1: not allowed to be victims. Um, the vulnerability is not

130
00:08:21,880 --> 00:08:24,400
Speaker 1: allowed to show up either, because when you go to

131
00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:26,760
Speaker 1: share the story, believe it or not, it does matter

132
00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:30,520
Speaker 1: how attractive she was, right, And so like the vast

133
00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:32,559
Speaker 1: majority of men that I've talked to who have had

134
00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:36,360
Speaker 1: sexual encounters, you'd be surprised how many of those women

135
00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:39,520
Speaker 1: were married with kids, and and these individuals who are

136
00:08:40,440 --> 00:08:46,360
Speaker 1: fourteen fifteen years old, right, So there's another deviation happening

137
00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:49,960
Speaker 1: there because like what and and these are people who

138
00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:53,360
Speaker 1: are having their first sexual experience. It does something to

139
00:08:53,559 --> 00:08:57,880
Speaker 1: your physiology and how you understand it because you don't

140
00:08:57,880 --> 00:09:01,640
Speaker 1: have enough experience to context to allige that sensation you're

141
00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:06,200
Speaker 1: feeling as pleasure. Right, So so that's that throws the

142
00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:09,000
Speaker 1: whole system off, like, because how can I please a woman?

143
00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:11,520
Speaker 1: And this is just a new feeling that I'm feeling altogether.

144
00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:14,079
Speaker 1: But the thing is, she's not in it for pleasure.

145
00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:16,840
Speaker 1: She's in it for the trick of it, right, She's

146
00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:19,320
Speaker 1: in it for the turnout of it. So it's it's

147
00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:22,400
Speaker 1: almost a power it's a power play because what could

148
00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:25,480
Speaker 1: she possibly be getting from someone who has no experience

149
00:09:25,600 --> 00:09:29,480
Speaker 1: this is their first time. However, she finds satisfaction to

150
00:09:29,559 --> 00:09:32,200
Speaker 1: repeat that act. This what you're how you're explaining this

151
00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:35,760
Speaker 1: sounds almost identical to the way we describe it when

152
00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:38,800
Speaker 1: it happens to young girls. I think it's so. I mean,

153
00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:40,960
Speaker 1: like the language you're using about it being our power

154
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:44,000
Speaker 1: and not sex, about not being able to contextualize the

155
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:47,840
Speaker 1: pleasure that you feel. These are all things that I

156
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:49,880
Speaker 1: just it's I'm sorry, I mean interrupt you, but this

157
00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:51,920
Speaker 1: is sad to me that we don't then use the

158
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:54,439
Speaker 1: same language when we talk about boys in this particular

159
00:09:54,520 --> 00:09:59,280
Speaker 1: kind of experience. It's it's it's molestation as sexual assault. Yeah,

160
00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:02,240
Speaker 1: but it stops in about the situation if the situation

161
00:10:02,280 --> 00:10:05,880
Speaker 1: stays the same. But are the way we talk about

162
00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:07,840
Speaker 1: it is what changes? It stops being about that and

163
00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:12,840
Speaker 1: it starts being about us, And then you inadvertly become complicit.

164
00:10:14,160 --> 00:10:16,120
Speaker 1: And that's what a lot of older black men end

165
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:18,200
Speaker 1: up doing. The younger Black boys who are trying to

166
00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:22,559
Speaker 1: make sense of this new feeling and why it felt exploited.

167
00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:26,160
Speaker 1: How because keep in mind, I have to sacrifice a

168
00:10:26,200 --> 00:10:28,200
Speaker 1: piece of my innocence in order to get into that

169
00:10:28,280 --> 00:10:32,280
Speaker 1: intimate space, Like that's the trade off to get the insight.

170
00:10:32,400 --> 00:10:34,480
Speaker 1: I gotta give up some of my innocence. But how

171
00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:36,280
Speaker 1: can I talk to that and black men we ain't

172
00:10:36,280 --> 00:10:38,480
Speaker 1: been vulnerable about it? And then we want to pack

173
00:10:38,520 --> 00:10:41,920
Speaker 1: you on the back, like you hit that you got

174
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:44,600
Speaker 1: into that. So now I can't even have a decent

175
00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:48,079
Speaker 1: conversation around the stuff that I'm feeling. And technically it

176
00:10:48,640 --> 00:10:50,400
Speaker 1: doesn't seem like as much you can do from a

177
00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:52,680
Speaker 1: black female perspective, because there's certain things you need to

178
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:55,959
Speaker 1: be validated too. But if we talk, if we talk

179
00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:58,079
Speaker 1: about it and it's aggressive sense, and we say that

180
00:10:58,080 --> 00:11:01,280
Speaker 1: that's rape, go at the young man, what rape is

181
00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:04,320
Speaker 1: the vast majority gonna say, when when a when a

182
00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:09,440
Speaker 1: man penetrates a woman? All right, cool, Now that doesn't

183
00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:13,880
Speaker 1: apply to the woman raping him. So he don't even

184
00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:16,480
Speaker 1: have a working definition for rape, for what rape looks

185
00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:19,160
Speaker 1: like on him. But I think that's that's part of

186
00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:22,480
Speaker 1: a huge misunderstanding we have around what rape culture and

187
00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:26,920
Speaker 1: what rape is period because women, I mean, well, all

188
00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:30,240
Speaker 1: people who are assaulted end up in a situation where

189
00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:32,720
Speaker 1: they have a difficult time trying to express what has

190
00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:35,120
Speaker 1: happened to them because there's a lack of language and

191
00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:38,959
Speaker 1: understanding around what actually happened to them. And it doesn't

192
00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:43,600
Speaker 1: surprise me that boys find themselves lost in this moment

193
00:11:43,679 --> 00:11:46,280
Speaker 1: because I mean, you said something that that really touched me,

194
00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:50,200
Speaker 1: where you said when you put masculinity on the experience,

195
00:11:50,880 --> 00:11:54,880
Speaker 1: then it doesn't allow them to feel like a victim

196
00:11:54,920 --> 00:11:58,560
Speaker 1: because to be masculine is is does not align with

197
00:11:58,679 --> 00:12:03,000
Speaker 1: being victimized exactly. And so that that act becomes the

198
00:12:03,040 --> 00:12:07,240
Speaker 1: initiation for the next sexual acts that they follow, right

199
00:12:08,840 --> 00:12:11,880
Speaker 1: with a girl who is probably their age exactly. And

200
00:12:11,880 --> 00:12:15,040
Speaker 1: guess what happened though, because there's not a lot of

201
00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:21,320
Speaker 1: experience there, they mimic the power differentiation. WHOA. Then they

202
00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:23,920
Speaker 1: get into something with somebody who's kind of you know,

203
00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:26,680
Speaker 1: in the same bracket, and then they want to dominate

204
00:12:26,720 --> 00:12:29,400
Speaker 1: that space, and then it stops being about pleasure and

205
00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:31,200
Speaker 1: intimacy and all that. They keep in mind, you're still

206
00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:34,360
Speaker 1: young in your sexual experience that's new to you anyway,

207
00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:36,400
Speaker 1: Hell us a lot of adults that they figured that out.

208
00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:40,320
Speaker 1: But now the best thing that you have is to

209
00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:47,800
Speaker 1: mimic the dominance that you experienced. M We're gonna take

210
00:12:47,800 --> 00:13:00,280
Speaker 1: a quick break and then we'll be right back. You know.

211
00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:03,160
Speaker 1: I saw this interview with d Ray Davis, a comedian

212
00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:05,800
Speaker 1: and I'm only saying his name because he has been,

213
00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:08,480
Speaker 1: you know, pretty public about it. And he said that

214
00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:12,920
Speaker 1: some adult person um or someone that was older than

215
00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:15,600
Speaker 1: him forced him to go down her when he was

216
00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:18,560
Speaker 1: a kid, like somewhere between the ages of nine and

217
00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:22,760
Speaker 1: thirteen years old, and because of that, it triggers something

218
00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:25,320
Speaker 1: in him. And he said, you know, he doesn't matter

219
00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:28,520
Speaker 1: how much he loves a woman or or how much

220
00:13:28,520 --> 00:13:30,720
Speaker 1: he wants to be with her or to please her,

221
00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:35,280
Speaker 1: that is something that he cannot do. And I can't

222
00:13:35,320 --> 00:13:39,800
Speaker 1: imagine how many young men, or how many men in general,

223
00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:43,080
Speaker 1: who have had that kind of experience where they were

224
00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:48,760
Speaker 1: forced to do something that, um, they clearly are too

225
00:13:48,760 --> 00:13:52,160
Speaker 1: young to be doing, first of all, especially and especially

226
00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:54,480
Speaker 1: with the dog on adult you know what I'm saying,

227
00:13:54,559 --> 00:13:56,800
Speaker 1: Or somebody way older than them, their baby said, or

228
00:13:56,840 --> 00:14:02,120
Speaker 1: somebody that was put in charge of their hair. So

229
00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:08,120
Speaker 1: you it made me think like, damn, maybe maybe there's

230
00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:14,040
Speaker 1: a reason why there's an animosity towards women if this

231
00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:18,760
Speaker 1: is the first, you know, experience of so many males,

232
00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:25,560
Speaker 1: you know, maybe there's there's a reason why, Yeah, I'll

233
00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:29,200
Speaker 1: give you, um, I'll keep giving you babies and not

234
00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:31,080
Speaker 1: take care of them and not take care of you.

235
00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:35,080
Speaker 1: Maybe that's why I strain you along for for years

236
00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:37,040
Speaker 1: and years as much as I possibly can and not

237
00:14:37,160 --> 00:14:42,920
Speaker 1: commit to anything. Maybe there's a real reason why men

238
00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:46,640
Speaker 1: may not really like us that much if this is

239
00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:50,480
Speaker 1: their first experience. You know, you were like, like, man,

240
00:14:50,560 --> 00:14:53,680
Speaker 1: we we there's something that happens that we call psycho

241
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:59,240
Speaker 1: sexually arrested. So like when you when when that happens you,

242
00:14:59,240 --> 00:15:03,240
Speaker 1: you get psycho sexually arrested, which means that your sexual

243
00:15:03,280 --> 00:15:07,760
Speaker 1: response is that of the wounded child. So you respond

244
00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:11,480
Speaker 1: to that sexual situation in the same way of when

245
00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:14,800
Speaker 1: the abuse actually happened to you. So it's almost like

246
00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:20,600
Speaker 1: an intimacy aversion, just like you have taste of versions,

247
00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:23,440
Speaker 1: and then that's the thing that you show up with

248
00:15:23,560 --> 00:15:25,920
Speaker 1: like to this day, you know, just a little disclosure

249
00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:30,400
Speaker 1: because of my colleges. I cannot smell hypnotic or alas

250
00:15:30,440 --> 00:15:34,360
Speaker 1: a like. It puts me in a bad way, you

251
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:37,040
Speaker 1: know what I mean. But and and so when I

252
00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:40,480
Speaker 1: smell it, it automatically catapulsts me back to when I

253
00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:43,760
Speaker 1: had no control of it coming back up. The intimacy

254
00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:47,560
Speaker 1: of version happens the same way. And so you show

255
00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:51,400
Speaker 1: up as that child again, like that vulnerability of that child,

256
00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:53,680
Speaker 1: you know, that innocence that we referred to earlier, Like

257
00:15:53,760 --> 00:15:56,240
Speaker 1: that comes back up. And as a man, one of

258
00:15:56,240 --> 00:15:59,040
Speaker 1: the things that masculine energy says to us is that

259
00:15:59,320 --> 00:16:02,280
Speaker 1: I should and I have to be able to protect myself.

260
00:16:02,280 --> 00:16:05,760
Speaker 1: But as a child, you couldn't do that. So you

261
00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:08,280
Speaker 1: don't want to be in that position again. And then

262
00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:17,280
Speaker 1: and then, because the music and the TV shows hyper

263
00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:22,320
Speaker 1: sexualized men in such a way, you know, they're getting

264
00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:27,520
Speaker 1: all of all of pussy, just getting it all. It

265
00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:31,160
Speaker 1: makes me feel like it makes again makes me feel

266
00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:34,440
Speaker 1: like maybe they just don't like us, you know, maybe

267
00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:41,560
Speaker 1: they've had such had an experience that um prohibitive prohibits

268
00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:44,720
Speaker 1: them from giving the damn for instance, it's too general.

269
00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:47,760
Speaker 1: Because I'm trying to understand, I feel like there's a

270
00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:51,520
Speaker 1: little hat for going on. It's not that they don't

271
00:16:51,560 --> 00:16:55,720
Speaker 1: like women, they don't like the feeling, and so like,

272
00:16:55,920 --> 00:16:57,400
Speaker 1: I don't like the feeling, so I got to do

273
00:16:57,480 --> 00:17:00,200
Speaker 1: the things to avoid the feeling. The feeling is the

274
00:17:00,280 --> 00:17:03,600
Speaker 1: universal thing, like that may not have the same experience

275
00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:05,600
Speaker 1: that elicited the feeling, but I can meet you at

276
00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:08,080
Speaker 1: the feeling, right, We say that all the time, But

277
00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:10,879
Speaker 1: I don't like the feeling. And when we're talking about

278
00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:14,359
Speaker 1: something as specific as intimacy and sex and how I

279
00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:16,719
Speaker 1: came to like the only way like to get in

280
00:17:16,720 --> 00:17:20,040
Speaker 1: that space, which is celebrated by most men, elicits that feeling.

281
00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:23,120
Speaker 1: So that at a version has me like, I can't

282
00:17:23,119 --> 00:17:25,199
Speaker 1: be vulnerable in that space. I have to dominate the

283
00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:28,880
Speaker 1: space because the vulnerability feels weak. And the reason why

284
00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:34,120
Speaker 1: we we vilify vulnerability is that oftentimes, and maybe the

285
00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:38,200
Speaker 1: thing that you're thinking about women, is that we vilify

286
00:17:38,359 --> 00:17:42,840
Speaker 1: vulnerability by then calling vulnerability a female or a or

287
00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:46,840
Speaker 1: a feminine trait, and that makes it therefore weaker than

288
00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:51,920
Speaker 1: being masculine. So it's like, if vulnerability represents womanhood or femininity,

289
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:55,080
Speaker 1: and and then we say femininity is beneath or lower

290
00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:57,560
Speaker 1: or not as strong as masculinity, then of course who

291
00:17:57,600 --> 00:18:01,199
Speaker 1: wants to be associated with that. So there's the feeling,

292
00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:03,520
Speaker 1: and then there's also kind of like what we tell

293
00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:09,479
Speaker 1: young people or young men that that feeling projects. So

294
00:18:09,520 --> 00:18:11,399
Speaker 1: it's like, I don't want to feel this feeling, and

295
00:18:11,440 --> 00:18:13,959
Speaker 1: I definitely don't want to project feeling this feeling in

296
00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:16,760
Speaker 1: public because then I'm not a man, or then I'm

297
00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:21,400
Speaker 1: not you know, and I just reject everything that's not manly.

298
00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:24,439
Speaker 1: I watched this movie called Notes on the Scandal. I

299
00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:26,160
Speaker 1: don't know if you guys have ever seen this. It's

300
00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:31,120
Speaker 1: with Um Dane, Judy Dench and Um I can't think

301
00:18:31,119 --> 00:18:33,399
Speaker 1: of the other name. Lady's name who I adore. I

302
00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:36,679
Speaker 1: think she's fantastic actress. But what happened in the movie

303
00:18:36,720 --> 00:18:41,159
Speaker 1: is that a teacher, Because you know, they're getting arrested

304
00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:45,040
Speaker 1: every month for for having sex with some little boy

305
00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:50,160
Speaker 1: in their class. It's happening a lot. We can't ignore this.

306
00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:55,000
Speaker 1: Anybody who's got a brother or a son or nephew,

307
00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:58,520
Speaker 1: you gotta watch these bitches. I'm sorry I said what

308
00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:04,520
Speaker 1: I said, You gotta watch these bitches. You cannot leave

309
00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:07,560
Speaker 1: everybody alone with your child. We say this stuff about

310
00:19:07,560 --> 00:19:10,320
Speaker 1: our daughters, or we can't leave our daughters with everybody.

311
00:19:10,359 --> 00:19:13,920
Speaker 1: That's right, we also cannot leave our sons with everybody. Yes,

312
00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:16,000
Speaker 1: you gotta watch people, period. But also we have to

313
00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:19,840
Speaker 1: consider the fact that we assume also certain things about

314
00:19:20,119 --> 00:19:23,919
Speaker 1: femininity that it's also nurturing. So we leave children with

315
00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:26,640
Speaker 1: women because we believe them to be more nurturing than men.

316
00:19:28,240 --> 00:19:30,880
Speaker 1: So if we if if we actually left our children

317
00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:35,280
Speaker 1: with people who were actually nurturing, regardless of their sex

318
00:19:35,840 --> 00:19:38,919
Speaker 1: then or gender, then we would be in a different place.

319
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:41,200
Speaker 1: We would be judging people who needed to be around

320
00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:43,840
Speaker 1: our children based on their actions and not based on

321
00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:46,480
Speaker 1: just what they show up as. And that's that backdoor

322
00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:51,240
Speaker 1: support of patriarchy. You see, you inadvertently supported the system

323
00:19:51,560 --> 00:19:55,320
Speaker 1: because I expect the female to be the nurturing individual

324
00:19:55,840 --> 00:20:02,760
Speaker 1: as if she can't hunt to oh s, sorry, And

325
00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:07,919
Speaker 1: that's that's exactly what's happening. You see it all the time,

326
00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:11,560
Speaker 1: and you wonder, you know, I know, I wonder. I'm like,

327
00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:15,320
Speaker 1: why is why is this? Why is this inability? It

328
00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:19,880
Speaker 1: can't just be because you didn't see healthy relationships. That's

329
00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:23,280
Speaker 1: not the only reason. You know, if if you're heterosexual

330
00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:26,280
Speaker 1: and you know you want a relationship with the think

331
00:20:26,359 --> 00:20:29,480
Speaker 1: you might want a relationship with the woman, Like what

332
00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:32,879
Speaker 1: what is What's what's the big halt? And if the

333
00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:35,800
Speaker 1: reality is most of the men that you know have

334
00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:41,360
Speaker 1: been sexually assaulted by some woman. Hi, So when you

335
00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:47,280
Speaker 1: take that shame and that humiliation from being sexually abused

336
00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:50,840
Speaker 1: and you asked him to revisit that moment to prove

337
00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:55,399
Speaker 1: his masculinity, of course he's gonna show up anger, not

338
00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:58,320
Speaker 1: at the woman, but at the moment. See, that's so

339
00:20:58,440 --> 00:21:01,800
Speaker 1: much complexity and simplis city. So when we look at

340
00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:05,760
Speaker 1: a simple act of intimacy, the complexity is at all

341
00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:09,080
Speaker 1: about the experiences that informed that moment. He's bringing all

342
00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:11,280
Speaker 1: of that rage and that anger to that Why because

343
00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:13,960
Speaker 1: he shows up as the protector he wished he had

344
00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:16,280
Speaker 1: when he was abused, So he knows he on the

345
00:21:16,280 --> 00:21:19,399
Speaker 1: scandal not to not to. I just wanted to just

346
00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:22,919
Speaker 1: bring it back here. The woman that was was having

347
00:21:23,119 --> 00:21:26,439
Speaker 1: sex with the with the young boy. Two things happened.

348
00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:30,199
Speaker 1: One of them made me very happy. The mother, you know,

349
00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:35,680
Speaker 1: finds out and whoops that ass And I I appreciated

350
00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:40,680
Speaker 1: that moment because I feel like that's fair. The other

351
00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:43,160
Speaker 1: thing is I believe she ended up having to go

352
00:21:43,359 --> 00:21:47,400
Speaker 1: and spend some time in jail. Now, Agent I had

353
00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:51,679
Speaker 1: this conversation and her being an abolitionist or in the

354
00:21:51,760 --> 00:21:57,159
Speaker 1: journey to be an abolition so there's no jail time.

355
00:21:57,480 --> 00:22:00,639
Speaker 1: I also feel like sexual predators may need to have

356
00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:04,439
Speaker 1: their weapons taken around. Oh Lord Jesus, I don't. I

357
00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:07,439
Speaker 1: don't like people that that that mess around with kids.

358
00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:10,440
Speaker 1: I just can't. I can't do that. I can't do that.

359
00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:15,880
Speaker 1: You also know that those kinds of perversions are not

360
00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:18,560
Speaker 1: necessary that you know, it's not about the sex, it's

361
00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:24,240
Speaker 1: about the you know, the power. Okay, three things. First

362
00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:30,040
Speaker 1: of all, Okay, so prison as a general rule does

363
00:22:30,160 --> 00:22:36,359
Speaker 1: not do anything to actually stop crime or or stop

364
00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:42,160
Speaker 1: people from wanting to do crime, or fixes them or anything.

365
00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:45,439
Speaker 1: Prison as we know it does not accomplish that. So

366
00:22:46,760 --> 00:22:49,439
Speaker 1: there's to say that someone should do jail time because

367
00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:52,200
Speaker 1: that then aligns with the emotion that you're feeling at

368
00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:55,040
Speaker 1: the time, because you you what you want is reciprocity

369
00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:57,679
Speaker 1: and justice, and you only choose the one thing that

370
00:22:57,760 --> 00:23:01,760
Speaker 1: you have at your disposal, is is an emotional response

371
00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:05,800
Speaker 1: that doesn't actually you know, fix your issue. So that's

372
00:23:05,840 --> 00:23:08,400
Speaker 1: the reason why I'm like, well, go to jail. That's

373
00:23:08,440 --> 00:23:12,280
Speaker 1: our goal to put into jail. Second, with castration or

374
00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:15,600
Speaker 1: something like that, we live, I mean, until we fix

375
00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:17,719
Speaker 1: the society we live in. You and I both know

376
00:23:17,840 --> 00:23:21,240
Speaker 1: that something like that will more likely happen to brown women,

377
00:23:21,960 --> 00:23:24,080
Speaker 1: and more likely happened to brown women who may or

378
00:23:24,119 --> 00:23:27,199
Speaker 1: may not be guilty. But because that's an option and

379
00:23:27,240 --> 00:23:31,080
Speaker 1: a tool for white supremacist, capitalistic society, they're gonna use

380
00:23:31,119 --> 00:23:33,760
Speaker 1: it on us with impunity. They're just gonna say, you

381
00:23:33,800 --> 00:23:35,680
Speaker 1: know what fun it she needs to have hercuch you

382
00:23:35,760 --> 00:23:37,760
Speaker 1: sold up, or her clitter is cut off or whatever

383
00:23:37,800 --> 00:23:39,760
Speaker 1: it is. That's what that looks like for a woman.

384
00:23:40,320 --> 00:23:43,199
Speaker 1: And they've and they're already doing this to us and

385
00:23:43,280 --> 00:23:44,919
Speaker 1: have a history of doing this to us. And it

386
00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:47,080
Speaker 1: is a tool that is is a tool of torture

387
00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:51,639
Speaker 1: that though in the emotion of wanting justice, and let

388
00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:54,080
Speaker 1: me just say this, you can I think this is yeah,

389
00:23:54,080 --> 00:23:55,760
Speaker 1: but I think I think this is RD lorrid. So

390
00:23:55,840 --> 00:23:59,000
Speaker 1: forgive me. But she said, you can't dismantle the Master's

391
00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:03,600
Speaker 1: house with the Master's tools. You need different tools. You

392
00:24:03,760 --> 00:24:06,919
Speaker 1: need different tools. You can't you can't utilize these tools.

393
00:24:07,359 --> 00:24:09,439
Speaker 1: And that doesn't mean that I don't think, Well, what

394
00:24:09,520 --> 00:24:13,000
Speaker 1: about in this situation when this this teacher is pregnant

395
00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:15,960
Speaker 1: by one of her students, Because we say that a question,

396
00:24:16,160 --> 00:24:19,119
Speaker 1: where are you aligning yourself dr webbing these solutions? How

397
00:24:19,280 --> 00:24:21,919
Speaker 1: you feel about this? For me, that's a it's a

398
00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:24,159
Speaker 1: slippery slope. Like even if we were to cash straight

399
00:24:24,240 --> 00:24:25,920
Speaker 1: or we were just just sew up that, you know

400
00:24:25,920 --> 00:24:28,000
Speaker 1: what I'm saying that the private parts, like it doesn't

401
00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:31,720
Speaker 1: stop the mentality that initiated the behavior, Like we gotta

402
00:24:31,760 --> 00:24:33,960
Speaker 1: address that, you know what I mean? Because what we

403
00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:38,720
Speaker 1: what you gotta realize such sexual abuses, overt covert violation

404
00:24:38,760 --> 00:24:42,800
Speaker 1: of value, like so like people are gonna do what

405
00:24:42,840 --> 00:24:44,320
Speaker 1: they want to do even if they got a lot

406
00:24:44,359 --> 00:24:48,120
Speaker 1: to do it, right, That's why they jails are fool Anyway,

407
00:24:48,520 --> 00:24:52,800
Speaker 1: The aversion will manifest itself a different way, all right,

408
00:24:52,960 --> 00:24:55,800
Speaker 1: So if you if you want to speak spiritually or travelally,

409
00:24:55,880 --> 00:24:59,840
Speaker 1: like generational curses really ain't as mythical as as some

410
00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:02,199
Speaker 1: of these religions make them out to be. It's this

411
00:25:02,240 --> 00:25:06,760
Speaker 1: ship right here, when you passed on the aversion without

412
00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:11,199
Speaker 1: it being confronted and checked. So now I learned my

413
00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:14,600
Speaker 1: intimacy and I call it intimacy. I'm calling it something

414
00:25:14,640 --> 00:25:16,720
Speaker 1: that's not. And then I'm showing up with you talking

415
00:25:16,760 --> 00:25:18,840
Speaker 1: but let's be intimate. And then I'm trying to choke

416
00:25:18,920 --> 00:25:20,480
Speaker 1: it or I'm trying to you know what. I'm like,

417
00:25:20,520 --> 00:25:24,399
Speaker 1: I'm not giving you your full range of comfort, but

418
00:25:24,480 --> 00:25:27,240
Speaker 1: I'm calling that intimacy and that's not what it is.

419
00:25:27,440 --> 00:25:29,919
Speaker 1: But I passed that alone. And now I'm patting my

420
00:25:29,960 --> 00:25:32,560
Speaker 1: son on the back like, oh, you slept with a

421
00:25:32,640 --> 00:25:35,200
Speaker 1: twenty six year old you fourteen. Don't tell your mama.

422
00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:38,399
Speaker 1: You see that, that's that generation. I passed that on again.

423
00:25:42,920 --> 00:25:55,760
Speaker 1: We'll be right back, so can I can I just

424
00:25:55,800 --> 00:25:58,080
Speaker 1: say this, And this is what we talk about all

425
00:25:58,119 --> 00:26:01,199
Speaker 1: the time, is that you call ulture is one of

426
00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:05,080
Speaker 1: the biggest hardest systems to break down because culture and

427
00:26:05,200 --> 00:26:09,040
Speaker 1: language is so important. When you're passing along different things

428
00:26:09,080 --> 00:26:11,480
Speaker 1: within your culture that's say this is intimacy or this

429
00:26:11,560 --> 00:26:13,639
Speaker 1: is okay, or this is how you say this to

430
00:26:13,800 --> 00:26:16,840
Speaker 1: use the word the language or the word intimacy and

431
00:26:16,880 --> 00:26:20,280
Speaker 1: then and then attach it to behavior that's toxic and

432
00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:24,280
Speaker 1: rat and ratchet and raggedy. Then this all just continues

433
00:26:24,400 --> 00:26:27,800
Speaker 1: this again and again and again, and so I guess

434
00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:30,359
Speaker 1: what I'm trying to say is I'm riding with Dr

435
00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:32,240
Speaker 1: Web on this because at the end of the day,

436
00:26:32,880 --> 00:26:36,600
Speaker 1: you have to address what's behind the harm. And I

437
00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:40,080
Speaker 1: would say this much sometimes when I have the right

438
00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:43,040
Speaker 1: word for something in my own kind of journey and healing,

439
00:26:43,960 --> 00:26:45,960
Speaker 1: I can ask myself questions like, well, why do I

440
00:26:46,040 --> 00:26:49,720
Speaker 1: want that? Or or why would I why would I

441
00:26:49,760 --> 00:26:52,159
Speaker 1: allow myself to be in a situation that makes me

442
00:26:52,160 --> 00:26:54,399
Speaker 1: feel that way? Or how do I not feel that way?

443
00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:56,320
Speaker 1: Or what is it that I'm trying to get from that.

444
00:26:56,680 --> 00:26:59,240
Speaker 1: So if the idea is that a person who is

445
00:26:59,280 --> 00:27:02,520
Speaker 1: causing this har arm may not even themselves know that

446
00:27:02,600 --> 00:27:05,200
Speaker 1: this is a power move or that this is about power,

447
00:27:05,800 --> 00:27:09,119
Speaker 1: they having discussions with people about what power is and

448
00:27:09,160 --> 00:27:12,639
Speaker 1: how it's expressed might actually help them understand that they

449
00:27:12,680 --> 00:27:15,080
Speaker 1: can actually achieve that power in a different way. Now,

450
00:27:15,080 --> 00:27:19,120
Speaker 1: I'm not saying that predators can be you know, fixed,

451
00:27:19,359 --> 00:27:23,280
Speaker 1: I'm just saying that sometimes that the language empower not

452
00:27:23,440 --> 00:27:25,760
Speaker 1: just for people who are victims, but also people who

453
00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:29,000
Speaker 1: actually cause harm, can empower them in a different kind

454
00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:31,240
Speaker 1: of way to not cause that harm. And let me

455
00:27:31,320 --> 00:27:34,919
Speaker 1: say this, like you can't control the chaos, You control

456
00:27:35,040 --> 00:27:38,359
Speaker 1: you and the chaos, right, And there is a way

457
00:27:38,400 --> 00:27:41,320
Speaker 1: to to live in a world where you absolutely trust,

458
00:27:41,359 --> 00:27:43,240
Speaker 1: and that is to trust things to be what they're

459
00:27:43,280 --> 00:27:47,439
Speaker 1: gonna be. One thing that we have to do is

460
00:27:47,440 --> 00:27:50,600
Speaker 1: to recognize that the lion is in the wild and

461
00:27:50,720 --> 00:27:53,840
Speaker 1: what he does, just like we recognize the rabbit is

462
00:27:53,840 --> 00:27:57,199
Speaker 1: out there and the gazelle is out there. All of

463
00:27:57,240 --> 00:28:00,879
Speaker 1: them have their role, they do what they do. I

464
00:28:00,920 --> 00:28:03,119
Speaker 1: can't stop a racist from being a racist, but you

465
00:28:03,119 --> 00:28:05,919
Speaker 1: know what I can do put him on notice that

466
00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:09,400
Speaker 1: he can't be a racist right here. You can say

467
00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:11,159
Speaker 1: that word, you just can't say it when I'm around.

468
00:28:11,200 --> 00:28:14,679
Speaker 1: Why because there's consequences and repercussions for that, and we

469
00:28:14,720 --> 00:28:18,439
Speaker 1: need to do our predators the same way. You're not

470
00:28:18,480 --> 00:28:22,159
Speaker 1: gonna stop all of them. However, part of my job

471
00:28:22,280 --> 00:28:25,119
Speaker 1: to show up is like like I'm here to protect

472
00:28:25,480 --> 00:28:28,280
Speaker 1: the tribe, the family, on here to support the queen.

473
00:28:28,400 --> 00:28:30,840
Speaker 1: She's here to support the king, and we do that

474
00:28:30,920 --> 00:28:34,040
Speaker 1: by keeping a watch. Nature is always giving us the

475
00:28:34,119 --> 00:28:37,000
Speaker 1: cues on how to do this. Why because there's the

476
00:28:37,240 --> 00:28:40,560
Speaker 1: certain things that exist out there, and that's just how

477
00:28:40,640 --> 00:28:44,480
Speaker 1: it is right. So you gotta stand watch on your cubs,

478
00:28:44,520 --> 00:28:48,560
Speaker 1: just like you stand watch on your daughters, your your

479
00:28:48,600 --> 00:28:51,160
Speaker 1: male sons need that too. Why because the minute that

480
00:28:51,200 --> 00:28:53,920
Speaker 1: you robbed them of the innocence of childhood and they

481
00:28:53,960 --> 00:28:56,560
Speaker 1: have to show up as men when they're not, they

482
00:28:56,600 --> 00:28:59,560
Speaker 1: generally get older and they start acting like children because

483
00:28:59,560 --> 00:29:02,640
Speaker 1: they missed that part. So that don't they don't know

484
00:29:02,680 --> 00:29:05,400
Speaker 1: what commitment is, they don't know what trust is, they

485
00:29:05,400 --> 00:29:07,560
Speaker 1: don't know how to love. They want to play games.

486
00:29:07,560 --> 00:29:08,840
Speaker 1: So why cause I get to do that when I

487
00:29:08,920 --> 00:29:12,280
Speaker 1: was little. That means you also have to let little

488
00:29:12,280 --> 00:29:15,560
Speaker 1: boys play. You gotta let little boys be little boys.

489
00:29:15,800 --> 00:29:19,080
Speaker 1: You gotta let little boys laugh. You gotta let them.

490
00:29:19,120 --> 00:29:20,920
Speaker 1: I mean, I can't tell you how many times and

491
00:29:21,000 --> 00:29:23,760
Speaker 1: we grew up. Oh you acting like a girl? You

492
00:29:24,120 --> 00:29:26,400
Speaker 1: you acting them? Why are you laughing? Why are you

493
00:29:26,480 --> 00:29:29,680
Speaker 1: smiling all the time? You corny? You so and so?

494
00:29:29,280 --> 00:29:33,520
Speaker 1: And we treat little boys like they gotta the rigidness

495
00:29:33,520 --> 00:29:36,600
Speaker 1: of trying to hold up masculinity. I feel bad for

496
00:29:36,680 --> 00:29:41,680
Speaker 1: boys because that's that's exhausting. That's why I'm kind of curious.

497
00:29:41,760 --> 00:29:43,880
Speaker 1: I want to ask doctor this question, Like, because you

498
00:29:43,920 --> 00:29:45,960
Speaker 1: are the age that you are, but you deal with,

499
00:29:46,200 --> 00:29:48,600
Speaker 1: you know, boys of a certain age as well. Do

500
00:29:48,680 --> 00:29:51,560
Speaker 1: you find that the language, now that there is language

501
00:29:51,560 --> 00:29:54,440
Speaker 1: for certain things, that the conversation is slowing easier than

502
00:29:54,440 --> 00:29:58,080
Speaker 1: it would with our our folks, with our generation, because basically,

503
00:29:58,720 --> 00:30:01,800
Speaker 1: I mean, yeah, I mean that's that's a host of

504
00:30:01,880 --> 00:30:04,040
Speaker 1: things that that I think in a lot of regards

505
00:30:04,040 --> 00:30:07,640
Speaker 1: are over sexualized in our kids. But I'll tell you this,

506
00:30:07,640 --> 00:30:09,400
Speaker 1: this is what people don't like. We don't want to

507
00:30:09,440 --> 00:30:13,080
Speaker 1: lean into this. I see more sexually aggressive females than

508
00:30:13,080 --> 00:30:17,480
Speaker 1: our do males. Well, they always tell us we got yeah,

509
00:30:17,280 --> 00:30:19,960
Speaker 1: I got that right. But when the when, the when

510
00:30:19,960 --> 00:30:23,320
Speaker 1: the sexual aggression is, we'll spit on it and put

511
00:30:23,360 --> 00:30:25,280
Speaker 1: it in here this way, and he's looking like, what

512
00:30:25,320 --> 00:30:28,080
Speaker 1: are you talking about? You know what I mean? And

513
00:30:28,680 --> 00:30:32,840
Speaker 1: the dominance becomes like that same dominant shows up in

514
00:30:32,920 --> 00:30:35,400
Speaker 1: that first experience. And keep in mind, y'allow, right, it's

515
00:30:35,440 --> 00:30:38,040
Speaker 1: generally an older female. They may be teenagers, but she's

516
00:30:38,080 --> 00:30:40,400
Speaker 1: generally a little older than the male from my experience.

517
00:30:41,000 --> 00:30:44,120
Speaker 1: But I'm just saying, like even that that deviation of

518
00:30:44,200 --> 00:30:48,200
Speaker 1: domination is showing up in the sexual females just as

519
00:30:48,280 --> 00:30:52,240
Speaker 1: much as the male, Like, there's abuse happening on both sides, right,

520
00:30:52,600 --> 00:30:55,440
Speaker 1: so we gotta we really gotta step it up. But again,

521
00:30:55,520 --> 00:30:58,160
Speaker 1: we don't talk about the abuse and what it looks

522
00:30:58,200 --> 00:31:00,840
Speaker 1: like on our young boys. And if we're not talking

523
00:31:00,880 --> 00:31:02,840
Speaker 1: about it, then they're left to try to make sense

524
00:31:02,840 --> 00:31:06,880
Speaker 1: out of it from an immature perspective. But again, if

525
00:31:06,880 --> 00:31:09,760
Speaker 1: the if the image of the woman is constantly looked

526
00:31:09,800 --> 00:31:13,240
Speaker 1: at as being docile, then we can't really look at

527
00:31:13,320 --> 00:31:16,320
Speaker 1: how sexually dominant or aggressive women can be in our

528
00:31:17,720 --> 00:31:20,120
Speaker 1: or even think about trying to better understand where it

529
00:31:20,120 --> 00:31:24,160
Speaker 1: comes from. And that that starts to internal contradiction because

530
00:31:24,320 --> 00:31:26,760
Speaker 1: we don't talk about that. But that's everything he felt.

531
00:31:27,840 --> 00:31:31,000
Speaker 1: So how am I supposed to reconcile that? Right? Like right, right? Right? Not?

532
00:31:31,200 --> 00:31:34,080
Speaker 1: That not a wisdom in my body. It's not matching

533
00:31:34,080 --> 00:31:36,640
Speaker 1: the wisdom you're trying to put in my head. And

534
00:31:36,680 --> 00:31:39,160
Speaker 1: those are two different wisdom, Like we gotta blend that.

535
00:31:39,280 --> 00:31:42,440
Speaker 1: But let me just say this, Women not being docile

536
00:31:42,800 --> 00:31:46,040
Speaker 1: has to be a truth that we accept across the board.

537
00:31:46,080 --> 00:31:48,320
Speaker 1: It can't just be when we're talking about that they're

538
00:31:48,400 --> 00:31:51,560
Speaker 1: victimizing young boys. We have to look at them as

539
00:31:51,600 --> 00:31:56,560
Speaker 1: not docile period. Absolutely, because again I said again they

540
00:31:56,720 --> 00:31:59,720
Speaker 1: women can hunt as well, and then a lot of

541
00:31:59,760 --> 00:32:01,680
Speaker 1: as they hunt a hell of a lot, which is

542
00:32:01,720 --> 00:32:03,560
Speaker 1: why they don't get caught up. And we don't even

543
00:32:03,600 --> 00:32:06,280
Speaker 1: know these numbers. These numbers are scaring the hell out

544
00:32:06,320 --> 00:32:08,600
Speaker 1: of me thinking about it, because I know already that

545
00:32:08,680 --> 00:32:12,600
Speaker 1: boys don't even report sexual assault and god forbid, and

546
00:32:12,600 --> 00:32:15,120
Speaker 1: and really their way of reporting It really is these

547
00:32:15,160 --> 00:32:19,479
Speaker 1: conversations that we've been having with our men friends, is

548
00:32:19,800 --> 00:32:24,200
Speaker 1: we're learning this data through them being, you know, just talking,

549
00:32:24,320 --> 00:32:27,800
Speaker 1: just having casual conversation, and now we all have this

550
00:32:27,920 --> 00:32:33,520
Speaker 1: social data around it, and it's scary. It's scary. So

551
00:32:33,640 --> 00:32:35,520
Speaker 1: can we talk about that? Just the fault that it

552
00:32:35,560 --> 00:32:38,560
Speaker 1: seems like the epidemic is the is this this way

553
00:32:38,640 --> 00:32:43,520
Speaker 1: in which children themselves are just victimized. The children are

554
00:32:43,560 --> 00:32:46,400
Speaker 1: some of the most unsafe people in the world. So

555
00:32:46,400 --> 00:32:49,840
Speaker 1: so can I grab can we grab some friends and go?

556
00:32:49,960 --> 00:32:54,560
Speaker 1: If they asked, like, what like something, I mean, I

557
00:32:54,600 --> 00:33:00,160
Speaker 1: mean I mean something I need I need something. You

558
00:33:00,560 --> 00:33:06,760
Speaker 1: We saw Antoine Fisher, right, and remember remember how emotionally

559
00:33:06,840 --> 00:33:10,360
Speaker 1: disturbed he was, how he couldn't wanted to connect but

560
00:33:10,400 --> 00:33:13,680
Speaker 1: didn't know how to that he had to go to therapy.

561
00:33:14,840 --> 00:33:19,440
Speaker 1: We and that she folded her abuse into nurturing. She

562
00:33:19,560 --> 00:33:24,360
Speaker 1: hid it in in the bullshit. I never forget at

563
00:33:24,400 --> 00:33:26,800
Speaker 1: the end of that movie where he came to the

564
00:33:26,840 --> 00:33:30,280
Speaker 1: door and she was like nigga, like she was happy

565
00:33:30,280 --> 00:33:35,120
Speaker 1: to see them you home like that. I wanted to

566
00:33:35,160 --> 00:33:37,840
Speaker 1: set her ablaze. I'm with you, Jill, I understand what

567
00:33:37,920 --> 00:33:43,600
Speaker 1: that infuriated me. That that infuriated me, because that's the

568
00:33:43,640 --> 00:33:46,760
Speaker 1: way I was just loving you. I was just taking

569
00:33:46,760 --> 00:33:50,680
Speaker 1: care of you, making you happy. That's a movie, right,

570
00:33:50,800 --> 00:33:54,760
Speaker 1: But we know what this happened to feel more slimy

571
00:33:54,960 --> 00:33:57,560
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, But filmore slim has a story similar

572
00:33:57,600 --> 00:34:01,840
Speaker 1: to that. Jay Brown had a story similar to that. Right,

573
00:34:01,880 --> 00:34:05,840
Speaker 1: They was in these places getting that mind like blown,

574
00:34:06,840 --> 00:34:10,440
Speaker 1: and then that was the foundation for how they interacted

575
00:34:10,440 --> 00:34:13,759
Speaker 1: in every other relationship past that. And those are the

576
00:34:13,800 --> 00:34:16,000
Speaker 1: ones that we know about because they're you know, iconic

577
00:34:16,040 --> 00:34:18,480
Speaker 1: figures in their own right. But these things that happened

578
00:34:18,480 --> 00:34:22,040
Speaker 1: to tell our little boys and they don't have that voice.

579
00:34:22,360 --> 00:34:27,080
Speaker 1: So Steve Harvey had um I was talking about the

580
00:34:27,200 --> 00:34:31,399
Speaker 1: girl who who jumped on him and tongue kissed him

581
00:34:31,440 --> 00:34:33,719
Speaker 1: when he was a kid or whatever. You know, he's

582
00:34:33,719 --> 00:34:36,480
Speaker 1: like probably like nine or ten years old, and he

583
00:34:36,560 --> 00:34:40,120
Speaker 1: talked about it so much so that they brought the

584
00:34:40,280 --> 00:34:44,960
Speaker 1: lady on the show. They brought her on the show

585
00:34:45,840 --> 00:34:48,719
Speaker 1: and she stood up and you know, on camera, was like,

586
00:34:48,840 --> 00:34:57,120
Speaker 1: remember me, I'm stuck the audacity right. How so to

587
00:34:57,120 --> 00:34:59,880
Speaker 1: look at that machine? How how am I supposed to

588
00:35:00,000 --> 00:35:03,800
Speaker 1: experience that abuse when a machine that big is celebrating

589
00:35:04,640 --> 00:35:10,040
Speaker 1: my quote unquote initiation in the man? Well, yeah, that's

590
00:35:10,040 --> 00:35:12,680
Speaker 1: a lot we're asking of a young man to speak against.

591
00:35:12,840 --> 00:35:16,360
Speaker 1: So like we have to become accomplices to his poet.

592
00:35:16,480 --> 00:35:20,279
Speaker 1: Can I say this, though, the system that needs to

593
00:35:20,320 --> 00:35:26,600
Speaker 1: be dismantled is the same one that men benefit from. Two.

594
00:35:27,400 --> 00:35:30,680
Speaker 1: So when we talk about that system in terms of

595
00:35:30,680 --> 00:35:34,600
Speaker 1: the way that they benefit from it and presented as

596
00:35:34,600 --> 00:35:38,880
Speaker 1: the same one that is on their neck and causing

597
00:35:38,920 --> 00:35:43,760
Speaker 1: their vulnerability and their victimhood to be erased, then how

598
00:35:43,800 --> 00:35:47,839
Speaker 1: do we make that connection so that there is an

599
00:35:47,880 --> 00:35:52,960
Speaker 1: investment from from older men and at least kind of

600
00:35:53,000 --> 00:35:57,040
Speaker 1: dismantling the systemic part of it. The culture part of

601
00:35:57,080 --> 00:36:00,000
Speaker 1: it is one thing. But then there's this, like you said,

602
00:36:00,120 --> 00:36:05,160
Speaker 1: this machine, but that same machine that dehumanized and humiliated

603
00:36:05,560 --> 00:36:09,520
Speaker 1: Steve Harvey is the same machine that is consistently telling

604
00:36:09,600 --> 00:36:12,319
Speaker 1: men that this is what it is to be a man,

605
00:36:12,400 --> 00:36:14,600
Speaker 1: and that women are beneath this and this, that it's

606
00:36:14,640 --> 00:36:17,840
Speaker 1: the same, it's the same one. It is the same machine.

607
00:36:18,960 --> 00:36:21,200
Speaker 1: But I would push back on, like, but what's the benefit?

608
00:36:22,280 --> 00:36:24,080
Speaker 1: You know, just because it's the norm, don't mean that

609
00:36:24,080 --> 00:36:27,640
Speaker 1: that that that's the benefit for a human being, not

610
00:36:27,800 --> 00:36:31,000
Speaker 1: for a whole man. It ain't, you know what I mean, Like,

611
00:36:31,400 --> 00:36:33,520
Speaker 1: you're but you're right. The machine exists, and it does

612
00:36:33,600 --> 00:36:37,920
Speaker 1: spit out the equation that way. Absolutely. But what we're saying,

613
00:36:38,239 --> 00:36:42,360
Speaker 1: like if children were so resilient, then so many adults

614
00:36:42,400 --> 00:36:46,120
Speaker 1: would need therapy. Oh yeah, I hate when people say

615
00:36:46,200 --> 00:36:49,560
Speaker 1: children are resilient. So that annoys the crap out of me.

616
00:36:50,320 --> 00:36:53,160
Speaker 1: What is the benefit? I don't like people saying women

617
00:36:53,200 --> 00:36:55,319
Speaker 1: are resilient. I don't like that. I don't I don't

618
00:36:55,320 --> 00:36:57,680
Speaker 1: like none of that. Ship When you say women are resilient,

619
00:36:57,680 --> 00:37:00,279
Speaker 1: you're just celebrating how well they suffer. I be like,

620
00:37:00,520 --> 00:37:04,400
Speaker 1: this's just that's ragged. But you know, the the humanity

621
00:37:04,440 --> 00:37:07,839
Speaker 1: of it all is what I'm interested in, is how

622
00:37:07,920 --> 00:37:13,800
Speaker 1: we can really start looking at each other like human beings.

623
00:37:14,320 --> 00:37:17,640
Speaker 1: And when people violate your humanity, that that's that's the enemy.

624
00:37:17,719 --> 00:37:20,640
Speaker 1: The enemy is the violation of your humanity. And then

625
00:37:20,719 --> 00:37:28,320
Speaker 1: what steps do we take from there? More real talk

626
00:37:28,520 --> 00:37:40,480
Speaker 1: after the break. So what what I got out of

627
00:37:40,480 --> 00:37:43,560
Speaker 1: this number one is that we absolutely have to watch

628
00:37:43,640 --> 00:37:46,760
Speaker 1: over our cups like it's it's just not a game.

629
00:37:47,360 --> 00:37:51,200
Speaker 1: It's just not because we don't know. We don't know

630
00:37:51,239 --> 00:37:53,600
Speaker 1: what's wrong with people or what happened in their in

631
00:37:53,600 --> 00:37:55,920
Speaker 1: their life. We don't know, So we have to be

632
00:37:55,960 --> 00:37:59,480
Speaker 1: really mindful of the people that we allow around their children.

633
00:38:00,200 --> 00:38:10,479
Speaker 1: And then and then what what does punishment is? That?

634
00:38:10,960 --> 00:38:14,200
Speaker 1: Is that what we're looking at? The punishment? I want

635
00:38:14,200 --> 00:38:15,880
Speaker 1: to know how we show up for boys? How do

636
00:38:15,920 --> 00:38:18,879
Speaker 1: we show up for these young boys who have already victimized?

637
00:38:19,360 --> 00:38:20,960
Speaker 1: How do we who do we? Who? Do they need

638
00:38:21,040 --> 00:38:26,600
Speaker 1: for us as adult women to be for them? First all?

639
00:38:26,640 --> 00:38:28,120
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, we gotta, we gotta in

640
00:38:28,160 --> 00:38:31,759
Speaker 1: our own way go against the celebration of this initiation,

641
00:38:32,080 --> 00:38:37,799
Speaker 1: right and as as mothers um creating that space to

642
00:38:37,840 --> 00:38:40,840
Speaker 1: really have that conversation. You know, I'm fortunate enough to

643
00:38:40,880 --> 00:38:45,000
Speaker 1: be surrounded by strong women who are strong because they

644
00:38:45,120 --> 00:38:48,920
Speaker 1: exercise their ability to create a palette where people can

645
00:38:49,000 --> 00:38:53,600
Speaker 1: just have a conversation right about what that looks like

646
00:38:53,760 --> 00:38:56,240
Speaker 1: and and what are the tricks that will be played

647
00:38:56,280 --> 00:39:00,279
Speaker 1: how people enter into this space. Um, you know, I've

648
00:39:00,280 --> 00:39:03,239
Speaker 1: been fortunate too through my practice to talk to pedophile,

649
00:39:03,400 --> 00:39:06,000
Speaker 1: so I get an inside track on like what it

650
00:39:06,000 --> 00:39:11,120
Speaker 1: looks like for them to whoa young women and young men,

651
00:39:11,239 --> 00:39:13,319
Speaker 1: and like I bring that stuff home when I talked

652
00:39:13,360 --> 00:39:16,840
Speaker 1: to my boys, like, yo, is this happening? Have you

653
00:39:16,880 --> 00:39:19,319
Speaker 1: seen this? When you see this? This is what it's like? Like,

654
00:39:20,280 --> 00:39:24,040
Speaker 1: Uh yeah, like what the narrative is? People are like

655
00:39:24,040 --> 00:39:25,680
Speaker 1: why I wouldn't want to talk to a pedophile. When

656
00:39:25,719 --> 00:39:27,960
Speaker 1: I talked to the pedophile and we had a conversation,

657
00:39:28,080 --> 00:39:31,280
Speaker 1: like he taught me how he builds rapport so fast

658
00:39:32,480 --> 00:39:36,080
Speaker 1: what a child like? I don't think like that, So

659
00:39:36,400 --> 00:39:39,479
Speaker 1: he gave me inside like how he creates and makes

660
00:39:39,520 --> 00:39:42,680
Speaker 1: things comfortable. He speaks to child's dialect, one that they

661
00:39:42,719 --> 00:39:45,719
Speaker 1: can completely understand, right because as adults sometimes we talk

662
00:39:45,800 --> 00:39:49,319
Speaker 1: over their head. Not to pedophile. He speaks to the

663
00:39:49,400 --> 00:39:53,120
Speaker 1: things that that they find pleasurable at that developmental age,

664
00:39:53,160 --> 00:39:54,919
Speaker 1: and those are the things that he used to lure

665
00:39:55,000 --> 00:39:58,719
Speaker 1: me in. He uses their fear against authority to pull

666
00:39:58,800 --> 00:40:01,240
Speaker 1: them in also, right as they want, they want to please,

667
00:40:01,320 --> 00:40:03,719
Speaker 1: they want to be obedi hire, and he uses that,

668
00:40:03,760 --> 00:40:08,480
Speaker 1: he leverages their their authority figures in that in that right, right,

669
00:40:08,760 --> 00:40:11,600
Speaker 1: especially with children who have been taught to be seen

670
00:40:11,680 --> 00:40:15,319
Speaker 1: and not heard to be following directions. Ultimately, when you

671
00:40:15,360 --> 00:40:18,200
Speaker 1: tell a child to do what I say and don't

672
00:40:18,200 --> 00:40:21,160
Speaker 1: ask questions, you are creating a follower. He knows that.

673
00:40:22,719 --> 00:40:24,600
Speaker 1: So the other thing is like, we gotta sit down

674
00:40:24,640 --> 00:40:27,960
Speaker 1: with our children and have critical conversations and allow them

675
00:40:28,000 --> 00:40:31,640
Speaker 1: to develop their voice. Right. I tell my sons all

676
00:40:31,640 --> 00:40:34,200
Speaker 1: the time, like, just because this person may hold the

677
00:40:34,280 --> 00:40:37,520
Speaker 1: title of principle or vice principle does not mean that

678
00:40:37,600 --> 00:40:41,480
Speaker 1: you stop being my son. So you tell them I

679
00:40:41,480 --> 00:40:46,080
Speaker 1: ain't saying nothing till my father gets here, Right, I'll

680
00:40:46,120 --> 00:40:49,560
Speaker 1: figure out the rest. Like, but you gotta he's gotta

681
00:40:49,600 --> 00:40:52,440
Speaker 1: have the courage, both of them. And we talk about

682
00:40:52,640 --> 00:40:54,440
Speaker 1: you know, Jil, We talk about this with the suns,

683
00:40:54,480 --> 00:40:56,799
Speaker 1: like you gotta have the courage to stand in the

684
00:40:56,880 --> 00:41:00,239
Speaker 1: moment until I get there, and when I get yeah,

685
00:41:01,000 --> 00:41:04,319
Speaker 1: I'm coming. I can handle everything that's coming with me.

686
00:41:04,480 --> 00:41:06,600
Speaker 1: But I just need you, like I gotta grow you

687
00:41:06,719 --> 00:41:10,040
Speaker 1: so that you can hold the line until I get there.

688
00:41:11,239 --> 00:41:13,640
Speaker 1: And you know, as mothers, we gotta teach our children,

689
00:41:13,760 --> 00:41:17,799
Speaker 1: our sons to like hold the line. I'm coming to

690
00:41:17,920 --> 00:41:20,000
Speaker 1: just hold the line. Man. If we can empower them

691
00:41:20,000 --> 00:41:22,080
Speaker 1: to do that, I swear like that's that's going to

692
00:41:22,280 --> 00:41:26,040
Speaker 1: change the trajectory, like with me and women look like

693
00:41:26,480 --> 00:41:28,440
Speaker 1: in the tribe and the family, and that's what's going

694
00:41:28,520 --> 00:41:31,319
Speaker 1: to change the narrative. Well, I think I think sometimes

695
00:41:31,680 --> 00:41:36,920
Speaker 1: there's there's just a learning curve our parents didn't know.

696
00:41:38,160 --> 00:41:39,879
Speaker 1: I mean, I feel like my mother knew to an

697
00:41:39,880 --> 00:41:44,000
Speaker 1: extent because I did get that. You know, why you

698
00:41:44,040 --> 00:41:46,319
Speaker 1: let them girls talk to you? Why you let them

699
00:41:46,360 --> 00:41:49,520
Speaker 1: girls speak or have an opinion? People said this to

700
00:41:49,600 --> 00:41:52,319
Speaker 1: my mother. I know this for a fact, you know,

701
00:41:52,520 --> 00:41:55,040
Speaker 1: And I know that it's something that we as a

702
00:41:55,040 --> 00:41:58,879
Speaker 1: as a generation struggle with because we want to give

703
00:41:58,920 --> 00:42:01,120
Speaker 1: our child a voice. For a lot of us revert

704
00:42:01,200 --> 00:42:04,160
Speaker 1: back to those old ways when it don't feel comfortable

705
00:42:04,200 --> 00:42:07,600
Speaker 1: for us. When that child speaks up and they're speaking

706
00:42:07,680 --> 00:42:10,879
Speaker 1: up to you. It's one thing to hold the line

707
00:42:10,880 --> 00:42:15,120
Speaker 1: on somebody else, but when they have that opinion towards you.

708
00:42:15,600 --> 00:42:18,640
Speaker 1: There's there's some pushback there, but I do think that,

709
00:42:18,920 --> 00:42:21,000
Speaker 1: you know, as a group of parents, we're probably doing

710
00:42:21,440 --> 00:42:24,960
Speaker 1: more of this than our parents did. As far as

711
00:42:25,040 --> 00:42:28,000
Speaker 1: the young people that I know, they are definitely doing

712
00:42:28,520 --> 00:42:31,920
Speaker 1: more of this. But I would say of the parents

713
00:42:31,960 --> 00:42:34,960
Speaker 1: I know who have experienced children with their children who

714
00:42:35,000 --> 00:42:37,560
Speaker 1: have been violated in some way, I would say, have

715
00:42:37,680 --> 00:42:42,439
Speaker 1: the conversation earlier, because what has happened and what I've

716
00:42:42,480 --> 00:42:46,040
Speaker 1: observed is that we're having that conversation with our young

717
00:42:46,120 --> 00:42:50,520
Speaker 1: people when they're a little older, and we can really

718
00:42:50,560 --> 00:42:54,480
Speaker 1: have it when they're much much younger. I think we

719
00:42:54,560 --> 00:42:59,560
Speaker 1: underestimate how strong curiosity is, and so one of the things,

720
00:42:59,560 --> 00:43:01,399
Speaker 1: and one of the is we combat that as much.

721
00:43:01,440 --> 00:43:03,960
Speaker 1: Like you just said, you know, we have the conversation,

722
00:43:04,040 --> 00:43:07,680
Speaker 1: have the intimate conversation, you know what I mean? Like

723
00:43:07,920 --> 00:43:09,640
Speaker 1: I remember when my boys came to me one time

724
00:43:09,680 --> 00:43:11,760
Speaker 1: and there's you know that their friends who at school

725
00:43:11,800 --> 00:43:14,120
Speaker 1: talking about, you know, where he's gonna put his dick?

726
00:43:14,680 --> 00:43:16,200
Speaker 1: And I said, all right, man, sitting ou let's talk

727
00:43:16,239 --> 00:43:18,920
Speaker 1: about why, because that's that's one way we describe it

728
00:43:19,000 --> 00:43:21,480
Speaker 1: under one dialect. And then we went through all the

729
00:43:21,520 --> 00:43:23,759
Speaker 1: other names that you may hear it called. But I

730
00:43:23,800 --> 00:43:26,759
Speaker 1: just need you to understand what's being said when it's

731
00:43:26,800 --> 00:43:30,319
Speaker 1: being said, Like I want you to speak multiple dialects,

732
00:43:30,760 --> 00:43:33,279
Speaker 1: because Daddy speaks multiple dialects. The way I talk on

733
00:43:33,320 --> 00:43:35,360
Speaker 1: this show ain't the way I talked when I'm sitting

734
00:43:35,360 --> 00:43:37,920
Speaker 1: in my living room when I'm you know, like, I

735
00:43:37,960 --> 00:43:40,640
Speaker 1: got multiple ways that I'm gonna translate or get this

736
00:43:40,800 --> 00:43:43,839
Speaker 1: message off. And there's two different things that happened. There's

737
00:43:43,880 --> 00:43:47,080
Speaker 1: a translation that happens, and then the next like that

738
00:43:47,200 --> 00:43:50,879
Speaker 1: has to be an interpretation of the translation. You can't

739
00:43:50,920 --> 00:43:53,919
Speaker 1: just stop at the translation. Interpret that for me. Why

740
00:43:53,960 --> 00:43:56,759
Speaker 1: Because I want to make sense of this information so

741
00:43:56,800 --> 00:44:00,640
Speaker 1: I can claim it to be knowledge. That means that

742
00:44:00,680 --> 00:44:03,879
Speaker 1: you can't go from fear. We've been talking to these kids.

743
00:44:03,880 --> 00:44:05,960
Speaker 1: Immediately we get scared of the ship they're about to

744
00:44:05,960 --> 00:44:09,840
Speaker 1: say or and then we respond with that fear response.

745
00:44:10,080 --> 00:44:11,560
Speaker 1: You know what I mean. I talked to a parent

746
00:44:11,680 --> 00:44:14,560
Speaker 1: like that one time. Um My daughter would and her

747
00:44:14,640 --> 00:44:18,160
Speaker 1: daughter were like texting back and forth during class and

748
00:44:18,360 --> 00:44:20,439
Speaker 1: one and it was like a picture of a joke

749
00:44:20,719 --> 00:44:23,880
Speaker 1: or something somebody had but been over something stupid something

750
00:44:23,880 --> 00:44:25,880
Speaker 1: that she just was like freaked out by. But the

751
00:44:25,960 --> 00:44:28,480
Speaker 1: mom was very very churchgoing and things like that, nothing

752
00:44:28,520 --> 00:44:31,520
Speaker 1: wrong withould be in church going. But the point is

753
00:44:31,600 --> 00:44:35,120
Speaker 1: that she was so fearful of what this could possibly

754
00:44:35,200 --> 00:44:37,880
Speaker 1: mean that she didn't even have no conversation with the

755
00:44:37,960 --> 00:44:40,480
Speaker 1: children or thought that there was any context to it,

756
00:44:40,800 --> 00:44:42,719
Speaker 1: which it was tons of it. But because me and

757
00:44:42,760 --> 00:44:45,640
Speaker 1: my kid talked, now I found myself having to call

758
00:44:45,719 --> 00:44:48,200
Speaker 1: his other parent who explain to her and talk to

759
00:44:48,239 --> 00:44:50,399
Speaker 1: her about what I had a conversation with my child about.

760
00:44:50,400 --> 00:44:52,440
Speaker 1: She hadn't even talked to her a kid. So I

761
00:44:52,480 --> 00:44:55,920
Speaker 1: think it's a fear thing. I know we are scared

762
00:44:55,960 --> 00:44:58,440
Speaker 1: as parents. I know some things can be like triggery

763
00:44:58,480 --> 00:45:01,200
Speaker 1: for us because it's like okay, and you think, oh no, this,

764
00:45:01,360 --> 00:45:03,480
Speaker 1: that and the other and this me and my kids

765
00:45:03,560 --> 00:45:06,960
Speaker 1: this or this means their friends are this or bola blah.

766
00:45:07,000 --> 00:45:08,879
Speaker 1: But we can't let the fear stop us from having

767
00:45:08,880 --> 00:45:12,000
Speaker 1: these conversations and just listening and being open, because the

768
00:45:12,080 --> 00:45:14,359
Speaker 1: kid knows when you're talking to them and you're just

769
00:45:14,440 --> 00:45:17,280
Speaker 1: listening for the bad stuff or whatever you think means something,

770
00:45:17,280 --> 00:45:19,799
Speaker 1: and then you you chime in with your crap. They

771
00:45:19,840 --> 00:45:22,040
Speaker 1: actually want to believe that you're having a real conversation

772
00:45:22,080 --> 00:45:24,319
Speaker 1: with them. I mean, they can feel it when you're not,

773
00:45:24,920 --> 00:45:27,319
Speaker 1: and they will hold back. I really think I think

774
00:45:27,400 --> 00:45:32,279
Speaker 1: kids will absolutely hold back there watching all your energy. Yeah,

775
00:45:32,320 --> 00:45:34,960
Speaker 1: You've been surprised how many parents show up protecting their

776
00:45:35,080 --> 00:45:38,520
Speaker 1: kids from the thing that they needed to be protected from.

777
00:45:38,520 --> 00:45:40,799
Speaker 1: And so like, uh, you know. The analogy that I

778
00:45:40,960 --> 00:45:44,920
Speaker 1: use is like, if I grow themselves, they think themselves

779
00:45:44,960 --> 00:45:49,480
Speaker 1: need to be protected from. So like that's how we we.

780
00:45:50,360 --> 00:45:52,600
Speaker 1: If I grew up and I was hungry, one of

781
00:45:52,600 --> 00:45:55,320
Speaker 1: the things that I make a promise to my family

782
00:45:55,400 --> 00:45:57,640
Speaker 1: is that you all never go hungry. So every time

783
00:45:57,680 --> 00:45:59,720
Speaker 1: they walk in the house, there's food on the table,

784
00:46:00,520 --> 00:46:02,799
Speaker 1: from meat to whatever you may call it. And my

785
00:46:02,880 --> 00:46:04,560
Speaker 1: sons could be looking at me and they're like, yeah,

786
00:46:04,600 --> 00:46:06,360
Speaker 1: that's cool. I'm like, you're hungry. They're like now. And

787
00:46:06,400 --> 00:46:08,600
Speaker 1: then I going upstairs and they're sitting there, but they said,

788
00:46:08,600 --> 00:46:11,480
Speaker 1: but that I'm thirsty. My experience was one that did that.

789
00:46:11,920 --> 00:46:16,280
Speaker 1: You didn't. I'm dehydrated. You've been giving me food when

790
00:46:16,320 --> 00:46:19,120
Speaker 1: my experience lash water. You know what I'm saying. So

791
00:46:19,160 --> 00:46:21,560
Speaker 1: now I gotta open up my awareness and realized, like

792
00:46:21,960 --> 00:46:24,839
Speaker 1: the time to save me in that situation has come

793
00:46:24,880 --> 00:46:27,840
Speaker 1: and gone, which means I gotta I gotta make sense

794
00:46:27,880 --> 00:46:30,080
Speaker 1: of that. I gotta get the lesson from that, open

795
00:46:30,160 --> 00:46:34,000
Speaker 1: up my awareness to take any information and then truly

796
00:46:34,360 --> 00:46:38,000
Speaker 1: provide what they need. So a lot of times when

797
00:46:38,080 --> 00:46:40,880
Speaker 1: kids are asking you why, why why, it's not defiance.

798
00:46:41,040 --> 00:46:44,520
Speaker 1: It's because when their brain develops, they're trying to connect

799
00:46:44,600 --> 00:46:49,319
Speaker 1: the dots to understand what problem solving and conflict and

800
00:46:49,360 --> 00:46:53,560
Speaker 1: critical thinking actually look like. And so we as people

801
00:46:53,600 --> 00:46:56,040
Speaker 1: of color, especially in our community, we gotta get out

802
00:46:56,040 --> 00:47:01,000
Speaker 1: of this or uh massive obedient or authoritarian space and

803
00:47:01,080 --> 00:47:03,920
Speaker 1: we gotta sit down and help them develop their critical

804
00:47:04,000 --> 00:47:08,120
Speaker 1: thinking muscle. What's the next iteration of that? I gotta

805
00:47:08,160 --> 00:47:10,920
Speaker 1: be able to critically think in the critical moment. So

806
00:47:10,960 --> 00:47:13,040
Speaker 1: it ain't even not enough for me to critically think.

807
00:47:13,120 --> 00:47:16,200
Speaker 1: I gotta be able to do it in the critical moment. Why,

808
00:47:16,239 --> 00:47:21,399
Speaker 1: because that is the thing that changes our trajectory. I'm

809
00:47:21,480 --> 00:47:24,799
Speaker 1: gonna run. I'm literally trying not to get up out

810
00:47:24,840 --> 00:47:35,960
Speaker 1: of this chair and run and run from the top. Listen, sir, yeah, sir,

811
00:47:36,719 --> 00:47:51,840
Speaker 1: thank you. Thurman Ala Wishes Dante Jock Kuan Daniel Web

812
00:47:57,520 --> 00:48:02,319
Speaker 1: you age a confirmed, it's official. That's all. Okay. Listen.

813
00:48:02,320 --> 00:48:04,960
Speaker 1: If I give you a middle name, it's it's And

814
00:48:05,000 --> 00:48:07,680
Speaker 1: if you get sat sir, wait, do I have a

815
00:48:07,719 --> 00:48:14,920
Speaker 1: little name? Girl? You've had many many, you have had many.

816
00:48:14,960 --> 00:48:17,960
Speaker 1: I've given you many throughout the course of this this podcast,

817
00:48:18,640 --> 00:48:26,400
Speaker 1: Jill Rhodesia Scott look look here, family, j dot l

818
00:48:26,560 --> 00:48:31,640
Speaker 1: is it's a podcast that we have conversations to spark conversations.

819
00:48:31,800 --> 00:48:34,200
Speaker 1: It's been a while since I said that, but that's

820
00:48:34,200 --> 00:48:39,799
Speaker 1: what this is. And we're we're here too to learn

821
00:48:40,480 --> 00:48:43,080
Speaker 1: what you say live? Are you called it? Learning? Live learning,

822
00:48:43,120 --> 00:48:48,239
Speaker 1: live learning, lives happening right now. We're discussing things and

823
00:48:48,239 --> 00:48:53,440
Speaker 1: and and finding out, um, how much, how deeply and

824
00:48:53,480 --> 00:48:57,200
Speaker 1: sincerely we have to pay attention and listen to our children,

825
00:48:57,320 --> 00:48:59,879
Speaker 1: how much we have to share with them because these

826
00:49:00,000 --> 00:49:03,120
Speaker 1: predators are out there. They really are, they really are.

827
00:49:03,680 --> 00:49:06,600
Speaker 1: And sometimes they're in your church, sometimes they're in their school,

828
00:49:07,000 --> 00:49:12,919
Speaker 1: sometimes they're amongst friends and these things. I still feel

829
00:49:12,960 --> 00:49:16,359
Speaker 1: like the tribunals will come and whoop they ask. That's

830
00:49:16,400 --> 00:49:19,080
Speaker 1: my feelings. I think in the in the middle of

831
00:49:19,160 --> 00:49:22,560
Speaker 1: the time, you've gone too far, You've done too much

832
00:49:22,800 --> 00:49:26,480
Speaker 1: shot before we get to the whooping ask portion, please

833
00:49:26,520 --> 00:49:30,680
Speaker 1: talk to your children, Please talk to your sons. It's

834
00:49:30,680 --> 00:49:35,560
Speaker 1: not just male predators, it's also female too. Okay. They

835
00:49:35,600 --> 00:49:39,520
Speaker 1: are valuable and important and you know that. So keep

836
00:49:39,560 --> 00:49:43,399
Speaker 1: your eyes open, keep your ears open, and uh keep

837
00:49:43,440 --> 00:49:47,279
Speaker 1: your heart open. Okay, listen to them babies. Thank you

838
00:49:47,360 --> 00:49:49,760
Speaker 1: so much, Dr Webb, and thank you so much everybody

839
00:49:49,840 --> 00:49:53,520
Speaker 1: out there for listening again to Jay dot Ill the podcast.

840
00:49:54,040 --> 00:50:05,359
Speaker 1: Be good, y'all. How do you eat an elephant? One

841
00:50:05,360 --> 00:50:10,279
Speaker 1: by it time? Hey, listeners, it's Amber, the producer of

842
00:50:10,360 --> 00:50:16,239
Speaker 1: j dot Ill. Today's conversation was intense and important. If

843
00:50:16,320 --> 00:50:19,200
Speaker 1: you are anyone you know is dealing with sexual abuse,

844
00:50:19,719 --> 00:50:23,040
Speaker 1: you can reach out to RAIN dot org. Rain r

845
00:50:23,239 --> 00:50:28,640
Speaker 1: AI n N is the nation's largest anti sexual violence organization.

846
00:50:29,440 --> 00:50:31,920
Speaker 1: I'll leave a link in the show notes. Also, if

847
00:50:31,920 --> 00:50:34,360
Speaker 1: you want to connect with Dr web check out his

848
00:50:34,400 --> 00:50:37,800
Speaker 1: websites at rebrand the black Man dot com and centered

849
00:50:37,840 --> 00:50:40,920
Speaker 1: Person dot com. Or you can find him on Instagram

850
00:50:41,080 --> 00:50:44,799
Speaker 1: at rebrand the black Man Alive. Links to his websites

851
00:50:45,000 --> 00:51:00,120
Speaker 1: and the show notes. Hi, if you have commen so

852
00:51:00,160 --> 00:51:04,800
Speaker 1: on something we said in this episode called eight six six, Hey, Jill,

853
00:51:05,360 --> 00:51:08,040
Speaker 1: if you want to add to this conversation, that's eight

854
00:51:08,120 --> 00:51:12,160
Speaker 1: six six nine five four five five. Don't forget to

855
00:51:12,200 --> 00:51:14,880
Speaker 1: tell us your name and the episode you're referring to.

856
00:51:15,160 --> 00:51:18,440
Speaker 1: You might just hear your message on a future episode.

857
00:51:19,280 --> 00:51:22,919
Speaker 1: Thank you for listening to Jill Scott Presents Jay dot Ill.

858
00:51:23,320 --> 00:51:29,239
Speaker 1: The podcast Jay dot Ill is a production of I

859
00:51:29,520 --> 00:51:33,640
Speaker 1: heart Radio. For more podcast from I heart Radio, visit

860
00:51:33,680 --> 00:51:37,960
Speaker 1: the I heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you

861
00:51:38,040 --> 00:51:39,640
Speaker 1: listen to your favorite shows.