1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:18,720 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. 5 00:00:23,840 --> 00:00:27,720 Speaker 2: Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to 6 00:00:27,760 --> 00:00:31,240 Speaker 2: the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in 7 00:00:31,280 --> 00:00:34,040 Speaker 2: the world, it is so great to have you here. 8 00:00:34,240 --> 00:00:38,760 Speaker 2: Back for another episode as we break down this psychology 9 00:00:39,360 --> 00:00:44,440 Speaker 2: of our twenties being criticized. Whether it's at work, by 10 00:00:44,479 --> 00:00:48,440 Speaker 2: a partner, by a friend on the internet, it is 11 00:00:49,120 --> 00:00:52,160 Speaker 2: never a pleasant experience. It can leave us, I would say, 12 00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:57,440 Speaker 2: quite indignant, quite angry, shocked, embarrassed. Maybe you want to 13 00:00:57,520 --> 00:01:00,840 Speaker 2: hide away. Maybe you're quite anxious. You're thinking that someone 14 00:01:00,920 --> 00:01:04,160 Speaker 2: is disappointed in you, someone doesn't like you. I think 15 00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:07,120 Speaker 2: it's only fair that we have that reaction. Our ego 16 00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:11,040 Speaker 2: can be quite fragile. It's quite a sensitive being, and 17 00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:15,160 Speaker 2: it's sensitive and fragile because it's trying to protect us. 18 00:01:15,240 --> 00:01:20,399 Speaker 2: But sometimes what our ego thinks is best actually isn't helpful. 19 00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:25,640 Speaker 2: Being able to take what you need from feedback and 20 00:01:25,840 --> 00:01:30,080 Speaker 2: override that immediate emotional reaction can actually provide us with 21 00:01:30,600 --> 00:01:34,640 Speaker 2: so much knowledge, so much information, so much power, and 22 00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:36,679 Speaker 2: it's why I think that we need a new approach 23 00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:40,520 Speaker 2: to handling criticism that doesn't essentially throughout the baby with 24 00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:43,560 Speaker 2: the bathwater, and that is exactly what we are going 25 00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:48,200 Speaker 2: to discuss today. The biggest reason personally, this is just 26 00:01:48,600 --> 00:01:51,400 Speaker 2: my opinion, but the biggest reason I find that people 27 00:01:51,440 --> 00:01:54,960 Speaker 2: struggle with criticism, and I will include myself in that category, 28 00:01:55,760 --> 00:01:59,280 Speaker 2: is because we don't understand our reaction to it. We 29 00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:04,720 Speaker 2: tend to own process criticism emotionally rather than logically, and 30 00:02:04,760 --> 00:02:08,160 Speaker 2: that means that it becomes a highly tense kind of 31 00:02:08,360 --> 00:02:12,079 Speaker 2: situation rather than one that is that is quite neutral. 32 00:02:12,760 --> 00:02:14,880 Speaker 2: Alongside that, you know, for those of us who are 33 00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:19,240 Speaker 2: naturally just more sensitive to criticism or we feel like 34 00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:22,680 Speaker 2: our sensitivity is a fault that we have, we actually 35 00:02:22,680 --> 00:02:25,960 Speaker 2: tend to get into this cycle of avoiding feedback at 36 00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:28,799 Speaker 2: all costs, whether that's in our jobs or in our relationships, 37 00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:32,800 Speaker 2: instead of really understanding why it is that we personally 38 00:02:32,880 --> 00:02:35,360 Speaker 2: feel so intense about it and why it is that 39 00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:40,160 Speaker 2: we feel the need to avoid feedback. I think understanding 40 00:02:40,200 --> 00:02:44,320 Speaker 2: where your aversion and your hypersensitivity comes from, because it 41 00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:47,240 Speaker 2: is something that some of us are almost just born 42 00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:51,440 Speaker 2: with and you know understanding why that's the case, or 43 00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:54,000 Speaker 2: if you weren't born with it, whether it came from 44 00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:57,360 Speaker 2: a hypercritical upbringing, a past relationship, a fear of rejection. 45 00:02:58,160 --> 00:03:00,280 Speaker 2: I think that can be really empowering. In the same 46 00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:03,600 Speaker 2: goes for really anything that we discuss. When you understand 47 00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:07,080 Speaker 2: the origins and you have the knowledge and the information 48 00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:11,040 Speaker 2: to understand your brain and your personality and your reactions better, 49 00:03:11,480 --> 00:03:15,240 Speaker 2: suddenly the thing that felt very dangerous and scary and 50 00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:18,480 Speaker 2: hostile to you because becomes something that you can kind 51 00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:21,560 Speaker 2: of know better. So we're also going to talk through 52 00:03:21,560 --> 00:03:24,760 Speaker 2: how we can develop a healthy approach to feedback, how 53 00:03:24,760 --> 00:03:28,240 Speaker 2: we can hold space for both our emotional and our 54 00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:33,280 Speaker 2: logical reaction, and also when you actually don't need to 55 00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:36,120 Speaker 2: listen to someone's feedback, when you don't need to listen 56 00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:39,920 Speaker 2: to someone's criticism. Let me just say, as someone who 57 00:03:40,200 --> 00:03:43,280 Speaker 2: works on the internet, there are a lot of people 58 00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:47,800 Speaker 2: who want to pass pretty cruel judgments and those individuals 59 00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:51,360 Speaker 2: and those situations are you know, they're just they are 60 00:03:51,360 --> 00:03:54,200 Speaker 2: not worth a second of your time, They are not 61 00:03:54,320 --> 00:03:58,600 Speaker 2: worth it. And sometimes I think our hatred of criticism 62 00:03:58,600 --> 00:04:02,800 Speaker 2: and feedback it comes because we see all criticism as 63 00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:06,760 Speaker 2: being this very cruel, negative thing. But there is a distinction, 64 00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:09,040 Speaker 2: an important one, and I want to give you an 65 00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:12,760 Speaker 2: easy method for figuring it out. It is a big 66 00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:15,960 Speaker 2: episode today, folks. It's definitely, I think one that I'm 67 00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:18,400 Speaker 2: going to come back to multiple times when I need it. 68 00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:20,760 Speaker 2: So I hope that you learn something. I hope that 69 00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:23,599 Speaker 2: we can dive into all the psychology that you're wanting 70 00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:28,240 Speaker 2: to know, all the research behind this ubiquitous topic, this 71 00:04:28,320 --> 00:04:33,839 Speaker 2: topic of criticism. Without further ado, let's get into it. 72 00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:39,799 Speaker 2: I'm gonna go out there and make a pretty huge 73 00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:42,560 Speaker 2: statement to begin with that not a single person on 74 00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:46,159 Speaker 2: this planet likes being criticized. Even the people who claim 75 00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:49,600 Speaker 2: to or who are like seemingly open to feedback, they 76 00:04:49,640 --> 00:04:52,920 Speaker 2: welcome it. Let me just say, no matter how often 77 00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:55,760 Speaker 2: you are criticized, no matter how used to it you are, 78 00:04:55,960 --> 00:05:01,400 Speaker 2: it still stinks. Because human nature is to almost feel 79 00:05:01,520 --> 00:05:05,479 Speaker 2: a little bit threatened or to bristle when you seemingly 80 00:05:05,640 --> 00:05:10,839 Speaker 2: are criticized, or are put down, or your mistakes are revealed. 81 00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:14,080 Speaker 2: Even those of us with the thickest skin, we will 82 00:05:14,120 --> 00:05:18,240 Speaker 2: still WinCE at hearing that someone is displeased, doesn't like 83 00:05:18,320 --> 00:05:22,240 Speaker 2: our work, find some fault with our character, disagrees with 84 00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:25,479 Speaker 2: our behavior. I want to make it very very clear 85 00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:30,400 Speaker 2: that that is quite a natural reaction. Interestingly, I think 86 00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:34,120 Speaker 2: that's also the reason why we sometimes hold off from 87 00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:38,440 Speaker 2: giving constructive criticism to others as well. You know, you've 88 00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:41,080 Speaker 2: got a friend who's like pissed you off, or a 89 00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:45,000 Speaker 2: coworker who continually frustrates you, and you complain about it 90 00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:47,400 Speaker 2: to your friends over and over again, but you know 91 00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:50,040 Speaker 2: you're never going to say anything because part of it 92 00:05:50,080 --> 00:05:53,080 Speaker 2: is that we have empathy for the pain and the 93 00:05:53,160 --> 00:05:58,560 Speaker 2: sting that it is created by criticism. We don't want 94 00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:00,520 Speaker 2: to put someone else at the receiving end of that, 95 00:06:01,040 --> 00:06:03,559 Speaker 2: and maybe in a similar vein, we don't want someone 96 00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:08,200 Speaker 2: to then throw criticism back at us. If you want 97 00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:12,400 Speaker 2: to really cool study detailing this, there was a series 98 00:06:12,520 --> 00:06:15,760 Speaker 2: of three experiments conducted a couple of years ago, and 99 00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:20,040 Speaker 2: basically the researchers put around twelve hundred participants through this 100 00:06:20,279 --> 00:06:23,800 Speaker 2: real time scenario where they were asked to complete a 101 00:06:23,839 --> 00:06:27,719 Speaker 2: survey and the survey was actually being administered by someone 102 00:06:27,760 --> 00:06:32,240 Speaker 2: who was a member of the research team, and as 103 00:06:32,279 --> 00:06:35,080 Speaker 2: they're completing the survey. You know, the participant would look 104 00:06:35,160 --> 00:06:38,240 Speaker 2: up and see that, you know, the person who was 105 00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:41,520 Speaker 2: observing them, who was conducting the survey, had food on 106 00:06:41,560 --> 00:06:43,680 Speaker 2: their face or had lipstick on their teeth, and it 107 00:06:43,720 --> 00:06:48,240 Speaker 2: was very, very obvious. And out of those twelve hundred participants, 108 00:06:48,279 --> 00:06:52,800 Speaker 2: only about four of them said anything. No one wants 109 00:06:52,839 --> 00:06:55,840 Speaker 2: to be the critic, even if we think it might 110 00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:59,239 Speaker 2: be helpful, because it's awkward to say, you know, I've 111 00:06:59,279 --> 00:07:02,880 Speaker 2: noticed something else about you that is embarrassing or unappealing 112 00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:07,000 Speaker 2: or unappealing, and I think it's our empathy for someone else, 113 00:07:07,080 --> 00:07:09,880 Speaker 2: and knowing that if we were in their shoes, we 114 00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:14,480 Speaker 2: would feel deeply embarrassed and awkward. So criticism, like, whilst 115 00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:17,040 Speaker 2: it might be helpful, we have this weird relationship with it. 116 00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:21,480 Speaker 2: The reason that we truly hate criticism, though, stems from 117 00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:24,520 Speaker 2: our ego. You may have already guessed that now. When 118 00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:28,880 Speaker 2: people hear ego, often they conflate it with arrogance, right. 119 00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:31,240 Speaker 2: You know, someone who is high and mighty, who was 120 00:07:31,240 --> 00:07:34,560 Speaker 2: full of themselves, who believes that they are very impressive. 121 00:07:34,680 --> 00:07:38,440 Speaker 2: They have a big ego. But actually, our ego isn't 122 00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:41,720 Speaker 2: about our self opinion it kind of is, but it's 123 00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:46,360 Speaker 2: more about how we mediate our internal feelings with what's 124 00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:50,080 Speaker 2: happening in the outside world or externally. And this was 125 00:07:50,120 --> 00:07:53,720 Speaker 2: Freud's original idea of ego. He was the I don't 126 00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:56,440 Speaker 2: like to say creator or the founder. He was the 127 00:07:56,560 --> 00:08:00,200 Speaker 2: discoverer maybe of ego. And how he saw it is 128 00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:03,920 Speaker 2: that it was a control center for our self esteem 129 00:08:04,480 --> 00:08:08,080 Speaker 2: and its job was to basically integrate what other people 130 00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:11,160 Speaker 2: might say about us, their opinions, the feedback that we're getting, 131 00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:16,119 Speaker 2: and what we believe about ourselves, basically pulling us into check. 132 00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:20,200 Speaker 2: It is responsible for maintaining a sense of self, and 133 00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:24,040 Speaker 2: when we receive criticism, this is of course seen as 134 00:08:24,080 --> 00:08:27,720 Speaker 2: a threat to that very sense of self. We have 135 00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:31,560 Speaker 2: a natural desire to feel good, to feel good about ourselves, 136 00:08:31,560 --> 00:08:34,800 Speaker 2: to think that weather's shit, and therefore there is like 137 00:08:34,840 --> 00:08:39,880 Speaker 2: a natural discomfort that comes with the insecurity and the 138 00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:43,880 Speaker 2: negativity they often accompanies criticism. So you know, when your 139 00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:46,400 Speaker 2: boss says, well, that's not really what I was after, 140 00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:49,319 Speaker 2: or a friend tells you that they're upset with how 141 00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:52,160 Speaker 2: you behaved and they really think that you should think 142 00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:55,559 Speaker 2: about your actions, or some internet troll says you look 143 00:08:55,640 --> 00:08:58,400 Speaker 2: ugly you know, says you have annoying voice. I don't know, 144 00:08:58,440 --> 00:09:03,320 Speaker 2: maybe I'm projecting, But basically, in those situations, our immediate 145 00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:06,760 Speaker 2: reaction is to be quite agitated, to feel threatened, and 146 00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:12,360 Speaker 2: to feel upset, because our unconscious defense mechanism is to 147 00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:15,760 Speaker 2: protect our ego, and the way that we do this 148 00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:19,559 Speaker 2: is kind of detaching from the criticism or maybe even 149 00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:23,240 Speaker 2: finding a way to lessen it. This may include, you know, 150 00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:26,560 Speaker 2: discrediting the person who is criticizing you, like, you know, 151 00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:28,960 Speaker 2: why would I listen to them? Like? I don't respect them, 152 00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:34,319 Speaker 2: and therefore their judgment becomes less important. We also justify 153 00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:37,240 Speaker 2: our mistake or our behavior based on the context. We 154 00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:41,480 Speaker 2: might ruminate over it. We might take it incredibly personally, 155 00:09:41,559 --> 00:09:46,959 Speaker 2: we might withdraw, or we can actually use the criticism 156 00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:53,679 Speaker 2: as motivation. We can engage in some reflective, selective processing 157 00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:57,640 Speaker 2: and take the positive parts on board. That is one 158 00:09:57,760 --> 00:10:01,880 Speaker 2: hundred percent the scenario that we want. But is it 159 00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:06,880 Speaker 2: the scenario that happens? Not really, not all the time. 160 00:10:07,280 --> 00:10:11,680 Speaker 2: It honestly takes practice to have a healthy approach to criticism, 161 00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:16,040 Speaker 2: which is naturally a lot harder for some, especially if 162 00:10:16,040 --> 00:10:19,800 Speaker 2: you are someone who is highly rejection sensitive or just sensitive. 163 00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:23,240 Speaker 2: In general, criticism, even when it's constructive, can feel a 164 00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:26,760 Speaker 2: lot like rejection, because it can be perceived as someone 165 00:10:26,880 --> 00:10:30,200 Speaker 2: saying that they are displeased with you, that they dislike you. 166 00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:34,199 Speaker 2: And whilst it's only normally about some small thing, something 167 00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:37,959 Speaker 2: that's maybe even arbitrary, when you are someone who is 168 00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:41,840 Speaker 2: quite sensitive to rejection, you take that small thing and 169 00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:44,360 Speaker 2: you make it huge, and it makes you start to 170 00:10:44,360 --> 00:10:46,880 Speaker 2: believe that maybe they don't like you as a whole. 171 00:10:47,880 --> 00:10:51,560 Speaker 2: This is of course faulty thinking, but if you do 172 00:10:51,679 --> 00:10:57,079 Speaker 2: have that intense rejection sensitivity, you cannot override that first thought. 173 00:10:57,400 --> 00:11:01,160 Speaker 2: It is very, very hard to not follow your instinct, 174 00:11:01,520 --> 00:11:05,480 Speaker 2: this rejection sensitivity. It's really really common if you're someone 175 00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:10,079 Speaker 2: with ADHD, because we know that ADHD often leads to hyperfixation, 176 00:11:10,440 --> 00:11:13,000 Speaker 2: meaning that we get stuck on this point of criticism. 177 00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:16,080 Speaker 2: We cannot break away. But it also makes us harder 178 00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:18,959 Speaker 2: to It makes it harder for us to regulate our 179 00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:23,959 Speaker 2: emotions towards particularly upsetting situations, and this is one of them. Obviously, 180 00:11:24,040 --> 00:11:27,840 Speaker 2: you don't have to have ADHD to be quite rejection sensitive, 181 00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:32,679 Speaker 2: but there is quite a connection. The result of this, 182 00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:36,040 Speaker 2: though is quite extreme, and it often looks really extreme 183 00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:38,960 Speaker 2: to others. You know, maybe they can they get a 184 00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:41,040 Speaker 2: bit frustrated with criticism and then they can sweep it 185 00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:43,120 Speaker 2: under the rug, or they can just move on. But 186 00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:45,920 Speaker 2: if you're someone who's quite sensitive to it, you're going 187 00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:51,000 Speaker 2: to suddenly have really intense anxiety around the situation. You 188 00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:53,800 Speaker 2: might not want to see that person again, you might 189 00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:58,280 Speaker 2: avoid them. There's extreme sadness, anger, not being able to 190 00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:01,839 Speaker 2: stop talking about it. Even you can tell that other 191 00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:04,920 Speaker 2: people are moving on. That kind of thing. Actually, it 192 00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:07,600 Speaker 2: can be really annoying because I think some part of 193 00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:10,600 Speaker 2: you might know that it's not that deep, right. You know, 194 00:12:10,679 --> 00:12:13,640 Speaker 2: the person was just trying to help. You have your excuses, 195 00:12:13,679 --> 00:12:16,480 Speaker 2: you have your reasons, and you want to handle it positively. 196 00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:20,880 Speaker 2: But that rational approach is once again overridden by a 197 00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:26,800 Speaker 2: deep anxiety, a deep fear, a deeply ingrained instinct. I 198 00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:32,160 Speaker 2: actually think I see this most often in relationships, because obviously, 199 00:12:32,280 --> 00:12:35,200 Speaker 2: when it comes to love, when it comes to connection, 200 00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:39,560 Speaker 2: there is so much to lose. When we care about 201 00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:44,679 Speaker 2: something a lot, any criticism related to that thing always 202 00:12:44,679 --> 00:12:46,960 Speaker 2: seems to take on higher stakes, and it takes on 203 00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:50,079 Speaker 2: a new level of importance because we don't want to 204 00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:52,319 Speaker 2: lose them. We don't want to lose our partner or 205 00:12:52,360 --> 00:12:56,240 Speaker 2: our boyfriend or our friend or our girlfriend. So you know, 206 00:12:56,240 --> 00:12:58,959 Speaker 2: if your partner is like providing you with feedback after 207 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:01,040 Speaker 2: a fight, or they say, you know, I don't like 208 00:13:01,120 --> 00:13:02,840 Speaker 2: how we went about that. I don't like how you 209 00:13:02,840 --> 00:13:05,640 Speaker 2: did that. I don't like how that made me feel. 210 00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:09,800 Speaker 2: Your brain is going to take that and go okay, 211 00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:14,000 Speaker 2: So is this a bigger problem? Is this indicating something 212 00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:16,720 Speaker 2: more that I'm not seeing? Are they going to break 213 00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:19,600 Speaker 2: up with me? You see how the fear spiral goes. 214 00:13:20,320 --> 00:13:23,240 Speaker 2: You know, I used to be someone like this because 215 00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:26,840 Speaker 2: I think I had a real fairy tale image of 216 00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:31,480 Speaker 2: love where the other person, the person you're with, adores you, 217 00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:34,720 Speaker 2: and they adore everything about you, and you can do 218 00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:40,160 Speaker 2: no wrong, and so criticism made me feel like, Okay, 219 00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:44,199 Speaker 2: so obviously we're not meant to be together, because true 220 00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:47,199 Speaker 2: love is meant to be perfect. Very short sighted. I think. 221 00:13:47,240 --> 00:13:50,120 Speaker 2: The other reason why criticism and relationships was something that 222 00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:53,719 Speaker 2: I was particularly sensitive towards was because my first boyfriend 223 00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:57,240 Speaker 2: would always criticize me to kind of push me away 224 00:13:57,760 --> 00:13:59,240 Speaker 2: when he didn't want to speak to me for a 225 00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:01,680 Speaker 2: few days. He would It was almost like he would 226 00:14:01,760 --> 00:14:06,200 Speaker 2: deliberately get mad so that I would not want to 227 00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:09,640 Speaker 2: see him so that he could have space, and he 228 00:14:09,679 --> 00:14:15,160 Speaker 2: would time it time when he wanted space. With the criticism, right, 229 00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:19,040 Speaker 2: you know, it's crazy the things that we tolerate at 230 00:14:19,240 --> 00:14:23,280 Speaker 2: any point, but especially when we're younger. And over time, 231 00:14:23,320 --> 00:14:26,400 Speaker 2: I think I became to realize that it really created 232 00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:30,360 Speaker 2: a complex for me, that criticism is something that can 233 00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:35,320 Speaker 2: be weaponized and it always has some ulterior motive to it. 234 00:14:35,680 --> 00:14:38,720 Speaker 2: This person wants to hurt my feelings. This person wants 235 00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:40,840 Speaker 2: to get away with something. There is no way that 236 00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:43,680 Speaker 2: they could be helpful. Here is the thing that I 237 00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:46,080 Speaker 2: have since learned, and hopefully you already know, but if 238 00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:51,160 Speaker 2: not listen, listen up. I think feedback in any relationship 239 00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:54,440 Speaker 2: is actually one of the key ingredients. It's super important. 240 00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:58,320 Speaker 2: I actually personally now believe that a relationship can't survive 241 00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:01,480 Speaker 2: without it. And you know my saying, I think you 242 00:15:01,520 --> 00:15:05,080 Speaker 2: don't truly know someone until you've had to have hard, 243 00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:09,880 Speaker 2: vulnerable discussions about something that you would rather avoid. Criticism 244 00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:13,200 Speaker 2: is part of it. The alternative to that, and the 245 00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:16,640 Speaker 2: alternative to not bringing up your concerns in a constructive way, 246 00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:21,720 Speaker 2: constructive being The keyword here is resentment, and I think 247 00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:26,120 Speaker 2: that resentment is a much more toxic addition to a 248 00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:33,520 Speaker 2: relationship than feedback. Resentment will poison everything. Feedback might just 249 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:37,240 Speaker 2: injure your ego. To me as well, the reason that 250 00:15:37,280 --> 00:15:40,560 Speaker 2: I think we need to be more accepting of constructive 251 00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:44,880 Speaker 2: criticism is that it shows that you are prepared to 252 00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:48,600 Speaker 2: fight for something. It shows that, even if it's uncomfortable, 253 00:15:49,040 --> 00:15:53,360 Speaker 2: you actually want things to get better. You want you know, 254 00:15:53,680 --> 00:15:56,840 Speaker 2: this other person wants you to improve. They want you 255 00:15:57,320 --> 00:16:00,480 Speaker 2: in their life, in their workplace, in their friendship circle, 256 00:16:00,640 --> 00:16:04,160 Speaker 2: in wherever. But again, there is that sensitivity such that 257 00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:07,840 Speaker 2: you know, even the most kindest, gentlest of statements can 258 00:16:07,920 --> 00:16:11,160 Speaker 2: grow teeth and hair and become monstrous in our minds. 259 00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:15,160 Speaker 2: So there's one final reason or contributor to that sensitivity 260 00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:17,560 Speaker 2: that I want to mention, and it has to do 261 00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:21,240 Speaker 2: with family and criticism in childhood. I don't think there 262 00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:24,720 Speaker 2: is a single episode where I do not reference childhood 263 00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:29,000 Speaker 2: wounds in some form or another, but it is a 264 00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:32,320 Speaker 2: huge factor when it comes to our relationship with feedback. 265 00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:36,200 Speaker 2: I'm going to ask a question here or just kind 266 00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:39,520 Speaker 2: of a hypothetical. Have you ever met a parent, or 267 00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:42,520 Speaker 2: like witnessed a mum or a dad who is just 268 00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:46,680 Speaker 2: so insanely critical of their child and will not cut 269 00:16:46,720 --> 00:16:50,280 Speaker 2: them some slack like their child, meaning, you know, under 270 00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:53,240 Speaker 2: the age of twelve. Even so, I've got a story 271 00:16:53,240 --> 00:16:57,160 Speaker 2: about this. I used to babysit these kids, and okay, 272 00:16:57,200 --> 00:17:00,440 Speaker 2: I'm going to be quite critical myself here, but their 273 00:17:00,560 --> 00:17:04,520 Speaker 2: parents were a lesson in everything I did not want 274 00:17:04,560 --> 00:17:08,640 Speaker 2: to do when I raised my children. Everything was about grades, 275 00:17:09,080 --> 00:17:14,000 Speaker 2: everything was about routine, meeting their expectations, and if they didn't, 276 00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:17,359 Speaker 2: they would literally put their children down in front of me. 277 00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:20,840 Speaker 2: I remember once so there were three children, and the 278 00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:22,919 Speaker 2: mother said, in front of me and her three kids, 279 00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:25,720 Speaker 2: pointing to one of the children, that he was just 280 00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:27,320 Speaker 2: going to have to work harder because he was the 281 00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:30,840 Speaker 2: dumb one. Literally said that in front of me, in 282 00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:34,560 Speaker 2: front of her child, and I was gobsmacked. Honestly, I 283 00:17:34,560 --> 00:17:36,639 Speaker 2: wish I'd had a bit more of a spine to 284 00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:38,760 Speaker 2: say something, but I was quite young at the time 285 00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:43,359 Speaker 2: and it just literally it was insane to me. These 286 00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:47,640 Speaker 2: kinds of hypocritical parents, we know now can lead to 287 00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:51,240 Speaker 2: such a shame psycho when it comes to feedback. And 288 00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:53,920 Speaker 2: there is a psychologist who explains this really really well. 289 00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:58,200 Speaker 2: Actually I think he's a psychiatrist. His name is doctor Barrish, 290 00:17:58,240 --> 00:18:02,440 Speaker 2: and he is an expert in child shame, guilt criticism, 291 00:18:02,520 --> 00:18:06,359 Speaker 2: and back in twenty twelve, he wrote this amazing article 292 00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:11,119 Speaker 2: to do with children who are overcriticized as children, And 293 00:18:11,119 --> 00:18:14,320 Speaker 2: I'm literally just going to quote directly from his explanation 294 00:18:14,359 --> 00:18:18,400 Speaker 2: because it's so spot on. In many families, overly criticized 295 00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:23,320 Speaker 2: children and hypocritical parents get stuck in a cycle criticism 296 00:18:23,359 --> 00:18:28,119 Speaker 2: and punishmently to anger and defiance or secretiveness and withdrawal, 297 00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:31,560 Speaker 2: and that just leads to more criticism and more defiance 298 00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:36,800 Speaker 2: and more withdrawal. As these cycles escalate, parents feel increasingly 299 00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:40,040 Speaker 2: justified in their criticism and the disapproval of their children, 300 00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:43,840 Speaker 2: whereas the children, for their part, feel increasingly justified in 301 00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:47,760 Speaker 2: their resentment and their defiance. Parents might say they never listen, 302 00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:50,880 Speaker 2: the child says, they just don't understand me, and they 303 00:18:50,920 --> 00:18:55,440 Speaker 2: develop a poor relationship with feedback, beginning to become very 304 00:18:55,520 --> 00:19:00,640 Speaker 2: sensitive to all forms of authority, all situations, and feedback 305 00:19:00,760 --> 00:19:06,040 Speaker 2: is provided so complex relationship, right, But Again, if you 306 00:19:06,119 --> 00:19:08,919 Speaker 2: are receiving a lot of criticism as a child and 307 00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:13,280 Speaker 2: that's such a negative, overwhelming experience, eventually you're only ever 308 00:19:13,359 --> 00:19:16,240 Speaker 2: going to see feedback and criticism as a negative and 309 00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:19,919 Speaker 2: overwhelming experience. And another outcome of this is, of course 310 00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:23,080 Speaker 2: self criticism. You're probably like, oh, yeah, wait, we haven't 311 00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:25,560 Speaker 2: even talked about that yet, Like this is the missing piece. 312 00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:28,840 Speaker 2: The reason being and the reason I'm kind of quarantining 313 00:19:28,880 --> 00:19:33,359 Speaker 2: this discussion between self criticism and outside criticism is because 314 00:19:33,359 --> 00:19:36,000 Speaker 2: we have done an episode on it before. I think 315 00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:38,960 Speaker 2: it's episode one oh nine, Why are we so hard 316 00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:42,400 Speaker 2: on ourselves? So that one is more about self criticism. 317 00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:45,080 Speaker 2: You can listen to that after if that's more relevant. 318 00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:48,240 Speaker 2: But yeah, it's really important to say when we feel 319 00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:53,159 Speaker 2: repeatedly criticized, especially from someone that we care about, like 320 00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:56,480 Speaker 2: a parent, like a partner, even like a teacher, eventually 321 00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:59,919 Speaker 2: we can take up that role of the critic ourselves. 322 00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:03,520 Speaker 2: We become the bully. We become the person who will 323 00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:07,800 Speaker 2: not allow anything but perfection, who can be almost emotionally 324 00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:11,760 Speaker 2: abusive to ourselves. As one article from twenty twenty two 325 00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:16,920 Speaker 2: explained it, when we continually receive negative social evaluations or judgment, 326 00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:20,400 Speaker 2: social rejection in the form of negative feedback that can 327 00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:27,880 Speaker 2: actually become very much ingrained, so that we inevitably kind 328 00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:30,760 Speaker 2: of project that pain onto ourselves alone. We don't need 329 00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:33,680 Speaker 2: someone on the outside saying, oh, I don't like you, 330 00:20:33,760 --> 00:20:36,680 Speaker 2: I don't like this, You're doing this wrong, you look hideous, 331 00:20:37,080 --> 00:20:39,240 Speaker 2: You're always going to be a failure whatever. The criticism 332 00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:43,120 Speaker 2: no longer comes from outside, it comes from I don't 333 00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:46,240 Speaker 2: like inside the house. You feel criticized enough that you 334 00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:48,960 Speaker 2: become the critic. I just think we have enough to 335 00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:52,520 Speaker 2: deal with in this world that we cannot take up 336 00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:56,240 Speaker 2: that role. We cannot be the one who shuts ourselves 337 00:20:56,280 --> 00:21:00,080 Speaker 2: down before anyone else even has the opportunity to do it. 338 00:21:00,720 --> 00:21:04,400 Speaker 2: We also, I think, miss out on valuable information when 339 00:21:04,520 --> 00:21:09,680 Speaker 2: we develop an aversion to criticism, you know, feedback and criticism, 340 00:21:09,680 --> 00:21:11,560 Speaker 2: we're going to get into the distinction. It can actually 341 00:21:11,600 --> 00:21:13,879 Speaker 2: make us better. And that's something that I think you 342 00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:16,800 Speaker 2: only learn the older you get. And I've come to 343 00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:19,960 Speaker 2: find that when we start to handle criticism from others 344 00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:23,840 Speaker 2: more selectively and correctly, then we actually gain a lot 345 00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:28,239 Speaker 2: of truth. When we begin to be quite light in 346 00:21:28,280 --> 00:21:32,119 Speaker 2: our reception of criticism. Our inner critic also begins to 347 00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:34,800 Speaker 2: get a lot quieter as well, So you have these 348 00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:38,240 Speaker 2: dual benefits. Not only does that inn a critic in 349 00:21:38,280 --> 00:21:42,040 Speaker 2: your own head begin to be silenced, you also begin 350 00:21:42,119 --> 00:21:47,480 Speaker 2: to grow and your self concept becomes more impenetrable. So 351 00:21:47,520 --> 00:21:50,520 Speaker 2: it's not like every time you receive a correction or 352 00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:53,200 Speaker 2: you know, some feedback, it's like punching a hole into 353 00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:55,439 Speaker 2: your self concept. You can kind of hold it in 354 00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:57,400 Speaker 2: your hands and take it for what it is. So 355 00:21:57,840 --> 00:21:59,720 Speaker 2: I really want to talk through this healthy approach to 356 00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:05,240 Speaker 2: critics and how we can kind of what's the word, 357 00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:08,359 Speaker 2: kind of decide between the good stuff and the unnecessary stuff, 358 00:22:08,359 --> 00:22:12,400 Speaker 2: what can be discarded from the criticism that we're receiving. 359 00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:15,240 Speaker 2: We're going to talk about all of that and much 360 00:22:15,320 --> 00:22:22,879 Speaker 2: much more after this short break. If you want to 361 00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:27,200 Speaker 2: break the spell that criticism has over you, you need 362 00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:31,000 Speaker 2: to find the distinction between criticism and feedback. And I 363 00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:35,240 Speaker 2: know I've been using those quite interchangeably, and it might 364 00:22:35,320 --> 00:22:38,520 Speaker 2: seem easy enough, but I think our problem with being 365 00:22:38,560 --> 00:22:42,280 Speaker 2: critiqued really begins to get out of control when we 366 00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:44,919 Speaker 2: conflate the two such that, you know, even when we 367 00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:49,720 Speaker 2: receive helpful tips and tricks, they become really insulting in 368 00:22:49,760 --> 00:22:52,240 Speaker 2: our minds because we're on high alert, because we don't 369 00:22:52,359 --> 00:22:55,920 Speaker 2: know the distinction. As annoying as it is, at some point, 370 00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:58,040 Speaker 2: you are going to screw up or do something wrong, 371 00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:02,000 Speaker 2: and you can continue to make that mistake despite people 372 00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:04,960 Speaker 2: trying to help you and correct you, and you know 373 00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:09,840 Speaker 2: you could even jeopardize your relationship, jeopardize your job, jeopardize friendships. 374 00:23:10,520 --> 00:23:13,200 Speaker 2: Or you can break the cycle and you can push 375 00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:17,120 Speaker 2: back against the instinctual hostility we tend to have when 376 00:23:17,119 --> 00:23:21,800 Speaker 2: we're criticized and make changes. I think seeing criticism as 377 00:23:21,840 --> 00:23:25,760 Speaker 2: an opportunity rather than a finality, rather than something you 378 00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:31,439 Speaker 2: can't move past, is quite liberating. But firstly, yes, we 379 00:23:31,520 --> 00:23:33,480 Speaker 2: do need to know what we should be paying attention 380 00:23:33,600 --> 00:23:36,879 Speaker 2: to what we you know, versus what we can rightfully 381 00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:40,919 Speaker 2: be frustrated by an upset aut or just ignore. So 382 00:23:41,119 --> 00:23:45,320 Speaker 2: let me give you the five essential differences between criticism 383 00:23:45,400 --> 00:23:49,239 Speaker 2: and feedback. And I want you to think about a 384 00:23:49,359 --> 00:23:53,080 Speaker 2: previous case in which you have received a criticism or 385 00:23:53,080 --> 00:23:55,879 Speaker 2: a piece of feedback, whether it's from a boss or 386 00:23:55,920 --> 00:23:59,119 Speaker 2: a friend or a family member, and see which category 387 00:23:59,119 --> 00:24:01,960 Speaker 2: it falls into. The biggest thing for me is that 388 00:24:02,320 --> 00:24:05,400 Speaker 2: criticism is going to focus on what someone doesn't want 389 00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:08,040 Speaker 2: you to do, but feedback is going to focus on 390 00:24:08,040 --> 00:24:12,200 Speaker 2: what you can start doing. So, for example, criticism might 391 00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:14,080 Speaker 2: be like, well, I hate when you do that, I 392 00:24:14,119 --> 00:24:16,520 Speaker 2: hate when you wear that, I hate when blah blah blah, 393 00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:19,719 Speaker 2: whereas feedback is like, oh, in the future, maybe you 394 00:24:19,720 --> 00:24:23,800 Speaker 2: can wear more comfortable shoes in the future. Maybe we 395 00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:27,959 Speaker 2: could have this discussion a different way. Future focused. And 396 00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:30,840 Speaker 2: that's the second part. Criticism is focused on the past. 397 00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:35,480 Speaker 2: Criticism is focused on the future. What do we actually 398 00:24:35,560 --> 00:24:39,200 Speaker 2: want to improve rather than getting really stuck in the 399 00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:43,879 Speaker 2: weeds of past mistakes. Anyone who is only interested in 400 00:24:43,920 --> 00:24:46,560 Speaker 2: going over and over and over the past as a 401 00:24:46,560 --> 00:24:49,280 Speaker 2: way to make you feel bad isn't actually interested in 402 00:24:49,320 --> 00:24:55,000 Speaker 2: seeing you grow. Criticism is also focused on weaknesses, whereas 403 00:24:55,040 --> 00:24:59,280 Speaker 2: feedback is building up strengths. So someone who gives you 404 00:24:59,320 --> 00:25:02,200 Speaker 2: feedback it might be like, hey, I really liked how 405 00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:04,560 Speaker 2: you did it this way, but maybe you could do 406 00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:08,800 Speaker 2: it better this other way, whereas criticism is I hated 407 00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:11,320 Speaker 2: how you did that full stop. That was terrible. That 408 00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:15,280 Speaker 2: was bad, and you know you should feel ashamed. This 409 00:25:15,320 --> 00:25:19,640 Speaker 2: is your weaknesses without any room to really improve. And 410 00:25:19,640 --> 00:25:21,960 Speaker 2: that's really the fourth point here. You can see how 411 00:25:22,000 --> 00:25:25,159 Speaker 2: a lot of them really bleed into each other. Criticism is, 412 00:25:25,680 --> 00:25:28,960 Speaker 2: you know, quite harsh, and it deflates you. It makes 413 00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:33,720 Speaker 2: you feel shallow, empty, bad about yourself. Feedback, although it 414 00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:36,199 Speaker 2: might present you with stuff that you don't really want 415 00:25:36,240 --> 00:25:39,360 Speaker 2: to acknowledge and you might not particularly like about yourself, 416 00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:42,800 Speaker 2: it does inspire you and it does aim to make 417 00:25:42,840 --> 00:25:47,720 Speaker 2: you better. Criticism says you are the problem. Feedback says 418 00:25:48,200 --> 00:25:51,920 Speaker 2: we can make this better together. So that's the final distinction. 419 00:25:52,600 --> 00:25:55,800 Speaker 2: Is it individual, in which case it's criticism, or is 420 00:25:55,840 --> 00:25:59,320 Speaker 2: it collaborative, in which the person may also be acknowledging 421 00:25:59,359 --> 00:26:02,080 Speaker 2: their mistake. You know, I always I do think about 422 00:26:02,119 --> 00:26:03,800 Speaker 2: this a lot in the work context, because I think 423 00:26:03,840 --> 00:26:06,199 Speaker 2: that as twenty year olds, that's where we get the 424 00:26:06,200 --> 00:26:09,199 Speaker 2: most feedback. And I think about it like when your 425 00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:12,359 Speaker 2: boss goes, oh, when your boss says to you, maybe 426 00:26:12,400 --> 00:26:14,960 Speaker 2: I didn't communicate that as well as I should have, 427 00:26:15,840 --> 00:26:18,960 Speaker 2: and they take some of the accountability and they realize 428 00:26:18,960 --> 00:26:22,040 Speaker 2: that it's a joint, mutual, collaborative affair. That is, when 429 00:26:22,040 --> 00:26:23,600 Speaker 2: you know you have a really good boss and that 430 00:26:23,680 --> 00:26:26,040 Speaker 2: is when you know that you have someone who isn't 431 00:26:26,080 --> 00:26:30,200 Speaker 2: just out to criticize you because of insecurity, frustration, anger, 432 00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:33,840 Speaker 2: without actually wanting you to get better. And that final 433 00:26:33,840 --> 00:26:36,840 Speaker 2: point again is what really nails it for me. Yes, 434 00:26:37,400 --> 00:26:40,800 Speaker 2: sometimes people will use examples from the past, they will 435 00:26:40,920 --> 00:26:44,760 Speaker 2: question things that they'd like you to stop doing, But 436 00:26:44,920 --> 00:26:47,720 Speaker 2: there is no point listening to criticism about something that 437 00:26:47,760 --> 00:26:52,239 Speaker 2: you cannot improve or change, because it shows that the 438 00:26:52,280 --> 00:26:56,080 Speaker 2: person who is telling you those things really isn't interested 439 00:26:56,080 --> 00:26:59,159 Speaker 2: in letting you show them otherwise. They are interested in 440 00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:02,320 Speaker 2: saying you fail. They are interested in scolding you like 441 00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:06,159 Speaker 2: a child, But you cannot improve from that environment. You know, 442 00:27:06,200 --> 00:27:08,439 Speaker 2: there have been papers written on this, especially when it 443 00:27:08,440 --> 00:27:14,280 Speaker 2: comes to childhood and adolescence, that children who are scolded 444 00:27:14,359 --> 00:27:18,280 Speaker 2: rather than given instruction for what to do differently, often 445 00:27:18,400 --> 00:27:22,080 Speaker 2: end up feeling more intense shame, and it actually worsens 446 00:27:22,119 --> 00:27:25,919 Speaker 2: the problem behavior in the first place, because again it 447 00:27:25,960 --> 00:27:29,000 Speaker 2: creates an environment where they're not given an alternative. You 448 00:27:29,080 --> 00:27:32,280 Speaker 2: are not given an alternative other than this failure of 449 00:27:32,320 --> 00:27:36,280 Speaker 2: this mistake. So I think the same goes for us 450 00:27:36,320 --> 00:27:39,600 Speaker 2: in our twenties. You cannot become a better person through shame. 451 00:27:40,320 --> 00:27:43,640 Speaker 2: You only end up policing yourself to become smaller when 452 00:27:43,680 --> 00:27:46,520 Speaker 2: that's the case. And so when someone only wants to 453 00:27:46,600 --> 00:27:50,080 Speaker 2: insult you or be emotional about something or take something 454 00:27:50,080 --> 00:27:53,800 Speaker 2: out on you, or is unrealistic, I actually don't think 455 00:27:53,800 --> 00:27:57,080 Speaker 2: it's useful for you to listen to that. So make 456 00:27:57,119 --> 00:28:00,560 Speaker 2: sure you can identify the difference between feedback and criticism. 457 00:28:01,040 --> 00:28:05,160 Speaker 2: Feedback is valuable, criticism is not. Now if you are 458 00:28:05,200 --> 00:28:09,320 Speaker 2: in a scenario where someone is you can see giving 459 00:28:09,320 --> 00:28:12,240 Speaker 2: them the benefit of the doubt is attempting to give 460 00:28:12,240 --> 00:28:16,679 Speaker 2: you feedback, but it's soundly sounding distinctly like criticism. I 461 00:28:16,760 --> 00:28:19,960 Speaker 2: think you do have a right to correct them and 462 00:28:20,040 --> 00:28:24,320 Speaker 2: ask for clarification, and that clarification could be what do 463 00:28:24,359 --> 00:28:26,600 Speaker 2: you actually want me to do in the future, what 464 00:28:26,720 --> 00:28:29,640 Speaker 2: is the room for improvement, what in the future needs 465 00:28:29,680 --> 00:28:33,800 Speaker 2: to change? What actions? Specifically, you're allowed to ask for 466 00:28:33,840 --> 00:28:38,640 Speaker 2: more information because otherwise all that happens is you're frustrated, 467 00:28:38,680 --> 00:28:42,120 Speaker 2: they're frustrated. Nothing actually changes because you don't know what 468 00:28:42,200 --> 00:28:45,720 Speaker 2: each other wants. So that is my second biggest tip 469 00:28:45,760 --> 00:28:50,920 Speaker 2: for handling criticism is to actually look for actionable things 470 00:28:50,960 --> 00:28:54,680 Speaker 2: that you can do and articulate to the person who 471 00:28:54,760 --> 00:28:57,320 Speaker 2: is providing you with feedback. Why that's going to be 472 00:28:57,360 --> 00:29:00,680 Speaker 2: important for you to know why you know, maybe you 473 00:29:00,680 --> 00:29:03,239 Speaker 2: don't have to say this component, but why you know 474 00:29:03,280 --> 00:29:08,280 Speaker 2: the criticism is unhelpful, the feedback is helpful. The third 475 00:29:08,320 --> 00:29:12,040 Speaker 2: component to dealing with criticism is really to try and 476 00:29:12,120 --> 00:29:15,760 Speaker 2: detach and segment your reaction. Here's kind of what I 477 00:29:15,840 --> 00:29:18,920 Speaker 2: mean by this. You are going to have two reactions 478 00:29:18,920 --> 00:29:23,360 Speaker 2: with anything. The instinctual, immediate reaction, which is often based 479 00:29:23,360 --> 00:29:28,160 Speaker 2: in fear, it's based in insecurity and defensiveness. And then 480 00:29:28,240 --> 00:29:30,920 Speaker 2: you wait ten minutes, you wait half an hour, you 481 00:29:30,960 --> 00:29:34,720 Speaker 2: wait an hour, and that smoke begins to fade, and 482 00:29:34,920 --> 00:29:39,280 Speaker 2: what is revealed is your true feelings. Your second reaction 483 00:29:39,560 --> 00:29:42,680 Speaker 2: is the one that you can trust because in that time, 484 00:29:43,200 --> 00:29:46,680 Speaker 2: your rational mind kind of switches back on and now 485 00:29:46,720 --> 00:29:49,760 Speaker 2: there is space and there is distance for you to 486 00:29:49,800 --> 00:29:51,800 Speaker 2: be heard and for that part of your brain to 487 00:29:51,800 --> 00:29:55,720 Speaker 2: be heard. And often that's when you realize that this logical, 488 00:29:55,840 --> 00:29:59,400 Speaker 2: often humble voice is the right one to listen to. 489 00:30:00,280 --> 00:30:04,760 Speaker 2: The problem in my mind occurs and I've definitely definitely 490 00:30:04,760 --> 00:30:10,240 Speaker 2: found myself in this situation when your illogical, instinctual reaction 491 00:30:11,000 --> 00:30:14,040 Speaker 2: has been allowed to dominate and has been allowed free 492 00:30:14,040 --> 00:30:16,360 Speaker 2: rein and often that means that you jump the gun. 493 00:30:16,840 --> 00:30:20,280 Speaker 2: You know, you bite back, you are dismissive, you are angry, 494 00:30:20,760 --> 00:30:22,760 Speaker 2: and later on you wish that you telled your tongue 495 00:30:23,320 --> 00:30:25,320 Speaker 2: that Sometimes I think that I have a lot of 496 00:30:25,360 --> 00:30:28,400 Speaker 2: grace for people who go through that. Sometimes it's unavoidable. 497 00:30:28,440 --> 00:30:31,600 Speaker 2: You are only human, but it can leave you worse off, 498 00:30:31,760 --> 00:30:37,960 Speaker 2: especially when it becomes a habit. So my advice for 499 00:30:38,040 --> 00:30:42,600 Speaker 2: overcoming this is to recognize that our reactions are often 500 00:30:42,640 --> 00:30:45,720 Speaker 2: what hurt us more than the criticism itself, and to 501 00:30:45,800 --> 00:30:49,280 Speaker 2: actually have a system in place for how you're going 502 00:30:49,360 --> 00:30:53,560 Speaker 2: to respond in those situations that can override your instinctual reactions. 503 00:30:53,600 --> 00:30:57,800 Speaker 2: So this may be a series of strategies around staying silent, 504 00:30:59,400 --> 00:31:02,800 Speaker 2: noting the person that you're happy to discuss, but you 505 00:31:02,840 --> 00:31:05,480 Speaker 2: are going to take time to respond and to think, 506 00:31:05,520 --> 00:31:08,240 Speaker 2: and you're not going to do so immediately. I also 507 00:31:08,400 --> 00:31:12,040 Speaker 2: really recommend go for a walk immediately after, not with 508 00:31:12,200 --> 00:31:15,600 Speaker 2: your phone unless you want to call someone that you trust, 509 00:31:15,960 --> 00:31:19,040 Speaker 2: and maybe that's actually better advice. You need your phone 510 00:31:19,080 --> 00:31:21,360 Speaker 2: to call someone, but you should get out of the house. 511 00:31:21,440 --> 00:31:25,640 Speaker 2: You should detach from the situation physically in order to 512 00:31:25,640 --> 00:31:29,080 Speaker 2: get the emotional distance as well. Jump on the phone 513 00:31:29,120 --> 00:31:32,560 Speaker 2: with someone you trust and talk about it. Talk about it, 514 00:31:32,600 --> 00:31:35,720 Speaker 2: because when we stew, when we isolate, when we ruminate, 515 00:31:36,440 --> 00:31:40,560 Speaker 2: that often prolongs our negative reaction to criticism, and it 516 00:31:40,640 --> 00:31:43,880 Speaker 2: results in less improvement overall. So you do need to 517 00:31:43,920 --> 00:31:45,520 Speaker 2: get out of your mind. You need to get out 518 00:31:45,520 --> 00:31:47,640 Speaker 2: of that space. You need to get out of the 519 00:31:47,760 --> 00:31:52,640 Speaker 2: repetitive thinking and either discuss it or think through it 520 00:31:52,680 --> 00:31:56,960 Speaker 2: in a productive way with someone that you trust. Calm 521 00:31:57,120 --> 00:32:00,800 Speaker 2: down for a second, and then return. I hear all 522 00:32:00,800 --> 00:32:04,400 Speaker 2: these stories all the time of people who are criticized 523 00:32:04,560 --> 00:32:09,400 Speaker 2: or given feedback and just go into a fury do 524 00:32:09,600 --> 00:32:13,640 Speaker 2: things that they regret and ruin their lives. You know, 525 00:32:13,680 --> 00:32:15,720 Speaker 2: where we see it a lot is with road rage. 526 00:32:16,800 --> 00:32:20,120 Speaker 2: That is like a prime example. It's not just frustration, 527 00:32:20,640 --> 00:32:25,240 Speaker 2: it's our ego and it's our aversion to feedback to 528 00:32:25,280 --> 00:32:27,800 Speaker 2: the honk of the horn to like, you know, the 529 00:32:27,840 --> 00:32:31,360 Speaker 2: person getting frustrated with us, and people do the dumbest 530 00:32:31,400 --> 00:32:35,080 Speaker 2: things trying to protect their egos and trying to assume 531 00:32:35,160 --> 00:32:37,880 Speaker 2: that they are right. We aren't going to be those people. 532 00:32:37,960 --> 00:32:41,520 Speaker 2: I'm sorry to say it hopefully that's not disappointing. But 533 00:32:41,600 --> 00:32:44,200 Speaker 2: I do think that as emotions have a beautiful place, 534 00:32:44,560 --> 00:32:46,480 Speaker 2: they don't have a place when it comes to rash 535 00:32:46,560 --> 00:32:50,320 Speaker 2: decision making, especially of this nature. So it is okay 536 00:32:50,560 --> 00:32:56,360 Speaker 2: to take some time and to segment those reactions, identify 537 00:32:56,360 --> 00:32:59,840 Speaker 2: the first reaction, and then wait for the second reaction. 538 00:33:00,640 --> 00:33:03,360 Speaker 2: Often as well, this is the time when you actually 539 00:33:03,400 --> 00:33:06,840 Speaker 2: see that this feedback is actually an opportunity, not a threat. 540 00:33:07,120 --> 00:33:10,360 Speaker 2: I also find that projecting almost a happy front to 541 00:33:10,440 --> 00:33:14,479 Speaker 2: feedback makes it an easier pill to swallow. Feeling threatened 542 00:33:14,480 --> 00:33:18,920 Speaker 2: by criticism is a passive response. It is a natural response. 543 00:33:18,920 --> 00:33:23,120 Speaker 2: It's the instinctual response, right. But being open, being almost 544 00:33:23,160 --> 00:33:26,760 Speaker 2: like artificially welcome to it, almost cheery, that is an 545 00:33:26,800 --> 00:33:30,800 Speaker 2: active response, and it brings back a sense of control, like, yes, 546 00:33:31,280 --> 00:33:34,120 Speaker 2: I'm opting into this conversation, I am excited to learn 547 00:33:34,560 --> 00:33:37,360 Speaker 2: I'm the one who wants the feedback. Can you see 548 00:33:37,360 --> 00:33:39,600 Speaker 2: how that's a bit of a mindset shift away from 549 00:33:39,920 --> 00:33:47,880 Speaker 2: this very dark, hostile aversion avoidance to criticism. So accept it, graciously, 550 00:33:48,480 --> 00:33:53,720 Speaker 2: Recognize what's feedback, what's criticism? Ask for the specifics so 551 00:33:53,760 --> 00:33:57,719 Speaker 2: that you can actually improve detach and be honest with 552 00:33:57,760 --> 00:34:00,680 Speaker 2: yourself about whether you're going to be better off or 553 00:34:00,760 --> 00:34:04,200 Speaker 2: worse off integrating what they've suggested. You know, you can't 554 00:34:04,360 --> 00:34:06,680 Speaker 2: just shut down anything that's not praise, because then you 555 00:34:06,680 --> 00:34:10,480 Speaker 2: couldn't live in this society and you're missing out on 556 00:34:11,080 --> 00:34:13,279 Speaker 2: so much that is of value. You know, people do 557 00:34:13,360 --> 00:34:16,479 Speaker 2: know more than us. People do notice things that we don't, 558 00:34:16,560 --> 00:34:20,120 Speaker 2: So there is a knowledge there, There is a truth there, 559 00:34:20,600 --> 00:34:23,280 Speaker 2: There is information there that is kind of a gift 560 00:34:23,400 --> 00:34:26,799 Speaker 2: at times. The final element of this that is worth 561 00:34:26,880 --> 00:34:30,640 Speaker 2: exploring that we've touched on a little bit is really 562 00:34:31,040 --> 00:34:35,160 Speaker 2: beginning to have a clear understanding of who deserves to 563 00:34:35,280 --> 00:34:39,760 Speaker 2: give you feedback, because there is an important difference between 564 00:34:40,200 --> 00:34:43,480 Speaker 2: someone who loves you or who wants you to excel, 565 00:34:43,920 --> 00:34:47,840 Speaker 2: or who should be giving you instruction. And you know, 566 00:34:47,920 --> 00:34:51,080 Speaker 2: for lack of a better word, a hater. This is 567 00:34:51,120 --> 00:34:54,479 Speaker 2: something I manage a lot being someone who I hate 568 00:34:54,520 --> 00:34:57,240 Speaker 2: saying this, but I don't know who has an online 569 00:34:57,280 --> 00:35:00,120 Speaker 2: presence right. I have a job that is based on 570 00:35:00,000 --> 00:35:03,440 Speaker 2: on the Internet, and it's something that people ask me 571 00:35:04,320 --> 00:35:06,840 Speaker 2: a lot about when they find out that part of 572 00:35:06,840 --> 00:35:10,279 Speaker 2: my job is making content, or when a video goes 573 00:35:10,360 --> 00:35:13,400 Speaker 2: viral or whatnot. They will always ask how do you 574 00:35:13,440 --> 00:35:16,359 Speaker 2: deal with the criticism? How do you deal with the hate? 575 00:35:16,480 --> 00:35:19,680 Speaker 2: Because you are going to get a lot of nastiness 576 00:35:19,760 --> 00:35:24,400 Speaker 2: for the smallest things from very insecure people who I 577 00:35:24,440 --> 00:35:28,160 Speaker 2: assume just get some kind of weird pleasure from being 578 00:35:28,320 --> 00:35:30,919 Speaker 2: cruel or they want to make others feel the way 579 00:35:30,960 --> 00:35:34,200 Speaker 2: that they've been made to feel in their lives. Maybe 580 00:35:34,200 --> 00:35:37,439 Speaker 2: it's a little bit less lonely knowing that someone else 581 00:35:37,520 --> 00:35:40,320 Speaker 2: is going through it. If you want a really interesting 582 00:35:40,600 --> 00:35:43,600 Speaker 2: study about this, there is one that is quite well 583 00:35:43,640 --> 00:35:46,920 Speaker 2: known from twenty fourteen, and it basically looked at the 584 00:35:46,920 --> 00:35:51,880 Speaker 2: interaction between trolling, cyberbullying, and personality and it found that 585 00:35:52,120 --> 00:35:55,839 Speaker 2: amongst their three hundred or so participants, mostly young people 586 00:35:55,920 --> 00:35:59,480 Speaker 2: in their twenties, those who were more likely to engage 587 00:35:59,520 --> 00:36:03,200 Speaker 2: and hate behavior online. And we at're talking like hateful 588 00:36:03,280 --> 00:36:07,080 Speaker 2: in terms of like racism or sexism or homophobia, more 589 00:36:07,120 --> 00:36:12,160 Speaker 2: so like just trolling and just saying cruel, stupid things. 590 00:36:12,719 --> 00:36:14,879 Speaker 2: The people who were more likely to do that had 591 00:36:14,880 --> 00:36:17,759 Speaker 2: a low self esteem, some of the lowest that they 592 00:36:17,760 --> 00:36:20,719 Speaker 2: were seeing in this cohort, But they also had really 593 00:36:20,800 --> 00:36:24,719 Speaker 2: high levels of sadism. They enjoyed hurting others. So not 594 00:36:24,800 --> 00:36:27,200 Speaker 2: the nicest people in the world. Definitely not those who 595 00:36:27,280 --> 00:36:29,520 Speaker 2: we should trust to give us feedback. But yes, like 596 00:36:29,920 --> 00:36:32,120 Speaker 2: you get trolls, and you will get people who don't 597 00:36:32,520 --> 00:36:35,839 Speaker 2: understand you. And I went through this period around May 598 00:36:36,080 --> 00:36:40,480 Speaker 2: last year. Oh this year, actually, wow, time flies, but 599 00:36:40,520 --> 00:36:42,200 Speaker 2: where I was just getting a lot of new followers 600 00:36:42,200 --> 00:36:45,080 Speaker 2: and new engagement and new listeners, and it felt like 601 00:36:45,280 --> 00:36:49,160 Speaker 2: every hour someone had an opinion that wasn't particularly nice. 602 00:36:49,719 --> 00:36:52,080 Speaker 2: Some of them were really superficial, and they were based 603 00:36:52,120 --> 00:36:54,960 Speaker 2: on appearance, like you need to fix your smile, fix 604 00:36:55,000 --> 00:36:58,200 Speaker 2: your clothes, fix your skin, loose some weight, which was 605 00:36:58,280 --> 00:37:00,319 Speaker 2: just like, oh my gosh, I'm gonna be busy. I've 606 00:37:00,360 --> 00:37:02,440 Speaker 2: got to do all those things. But then there are 607 00:37:02,480 --> 00:37:05,439 Speaker 2: others like, you know, I don't like that you didn't 608 00:37:05,480 --> 00:37:08,680 Speaker 2: include this perspective. I don't like that your microphone wasn't 609 00:37:08,719 --> 00:37:11,680 Speaker 2: loud enough. I don't like the ads. And it was 610 00:37:11,719 --> 00:37:13,960 Speaker 2: important for me to see that there is a distinction there. 611 00:37:13,960 --> 00:37:16,600 Speaker 2: There was people who were like, no, I'm genuinely trying 612 00:37:16,600 --> 00:37:19,400 Speaker 2: to be helpful, and then there are people like this 613 00:37:19,480 --> 00:37:22,840 Speaker 2: woman who literally this sticks in my mind. This woman 614 00:37:23,000 --> 00:37:25,120 Speaker 2: was like, oh, I think you're money hungry and greedy, 615 00:37:25,160 --> 00:37:27,239 Speaker 2: and that sticks in my mind. That person is not 616 00:37:27,280 --> 00:37:29,920 Speaker 2: trying to be helpful. She's giving me an opinion on 617 00:37:29,960 --> 00:37:33,080 Speaker 2: my character, not knowing me. And so the really valuable 618 00:37:33,080 --> 00:37:35,920 Speaker 2: thing that I took away from this was A, you 619 00:37:36,040 --> 00:37:37,960 Speaker 2: have to be able to distinguish again the feedback and 620 00:37:38,000 --> 00:37:41,640 Speaker 2: the criticism. But B you actually just don't have to 621 00:37:41,680 --> 00:37:44,560 Speaker 2: listen to everyone. And in fact, I don't think that 622 00:37:44,600 --> 00:37:48,520 Speaker 2: you should, because when you become a sponge for everything 623 00:37:48,600 --> 00:37:52,400 Speaker 2: said about you, you begin to take on the behaviors, 624 00:37:52,440 --> 00:37:56,640 Speaker 2: the opinions, the judgments, the expectations of others. You become 625 00:37:57,280 --> 00:37:59,480 Speaker 2: a reflection of what others don't want you to be, 626 00:38:00,200 --> 00:38:03,440 Speaker 2: rather than who you want to be. So here is 627 00:38:03,480 --> 00:38:08,799 Speaker 2: my final reminder amongst this discussion, amongst our need to 628 00:38:08,840 --> 00:38:12,040 Speaker 2: accept criticism, you have to remember that the only person 629 00:38:12,040 --> 00:38:15,960 Speaker 2: whose opinion matters the most is yours. After that, you know, 630 00:38:16,200 --> 00:38:18,840 Speaker 2: family and friends do come into it. I think you 631 00:38:18,880 --> 00:38:21,160 Speaker 2: should listen to about eighty five to ninety percent of 632 00:38:21,160 --> 00:38:23,360 Speaker 2: what they have to say. Then, of course, there are 633 00:38:23,480 --> 00:38:26,719 Speaker 2: people who you're dependent on, like your boss, your coworkers, 634 00:38:26,760 --> 00:38:30,000 Speaker 2: your landlords, maybe people that you respect who don't know 635 00:38:30,040 --> 00:38:33,720 Speaker 2: you very well, like a professor, maybe even a casual mentor. 636 00:38:34,200 --> 00:38:36,160 Speaker 2: And then at the bottom of the food chain, at 637 00:38:36,200 --> 00:38:39,080 Speaker 2: the bottom of the ladder are people who don't care 638 00:38:39,120 --> 00:38:42,319 Speaker 2: about you, who don't know you, who are strangers, who 639 00:38:42,320 --> 00:38:45,560 Speaker 2: are Internet trolls, who are acquaintances, someone you met at 640 00:38:45,560 --> 00:38:50,000 Speaker 2: a party once or twice. Those people, the feedback they 641 00:38:50,000 --> 00:38:54,560 Speaker 2: give you, I think is rarely helpful if it's cruel 642 00:38:54,600 --> 00:38:57,239 Speaker 2: in nature. And as much as we are trying to 643 00:38:57,320 --> 00:39:00,279 Speaker 2: keep an open mind and we want to grow through 644 00:39:00,320 --> 00:39:02,000 Speaker 2: what we're going through, we want to grow from what 645 00:39:02,000 --> 00:39:04,840 Speaker 2: people have to say. This is my rule of thumb. 646 00:39:05,200 --> 00:39:08,320 Speaker 2: If you wouldn't let this person sit at your dinner table, 647 00:39:08,600 --> 00:39:11,520 Speaker 2: if you wouldn't welcome them into your house, if you 648 00:39:11,560 --> 00:39:16,520 Speaker 2: wouldn't ask them for their advice, don't take their criticism. 649 00:39:16,880 --> 00:39:20,440 Speaker 2: You are going to be doing yourself huge favor. You 650 00:39:20,520 --> 00:39:23,640 Speaker 2: cannot let unnecessary judgments take over your mind, because it's 651 00:39:23,640 --> 00:39:27,279 Speaker 2: like a virus, it's like a sickness. So truly, if 652 00:39:27,280 --> 00:39:29,600 Speaker 2: you are placing too much value on the opinions of 653 00:39:29,640 --> 00:39:32,359 Speaker 2: others who do not care about you, who will never 654 00:39:32,400 --> 00:39:36,520 Speaker 2: care about you, you end up having firstly less room 655 00:39:36,600 --> 00:39:39,960 Speaker 2: to hear your own inner voice, but also less space 656 00:39:40,000 --> 00:39:43,200 Speaker 2: to actually hear from those who care about you, because 657 00:39:43,440 --> 00:39:45,600 Speaker 2: the loudest voice in the room is sometimes going to 658 00:39:45,600 --> 00:39:47,560 Speaker 2: be the meanest, and that is going to be the 659 00:39:47,600 --> 00:39:51,240 Speaker 2: person who actually isn't trying to help you. It's important 660 00:39:51,239 --> 00:39:53,920 Speaker 2: that you know the difference and that you actually have 661 00:39:54,080 --> 00:40:00,359 Speaker 2: space mentally, cognitively, socially to flourish without the sh shame, 662 00:40:00,440 --> 00:40:04,640 Speaker 2: the embarrassment, the insecurity of listening to what every person 663 00:40:04,680 --> 00:40:06,560 Speaker 2: on the street has to say, because I don't think 664 00:40:06,840 --> 00:40:11,520 Speaker 2: those are fertile soils from which to grow. So in summary, 665 00:40:11,560 --> 00:40:14,480 Speaker 2: when we're talking about how to handle criticism, I do 666 00:40:14,520 --> 00:40:17,319 Speaker 2: want you to truly commit to seeing feedback as a 667 00:40:17,360 --> 00:40:20,880 Speaker 2: good thing, don't try and fight against it, but also 668 00:40:21,280 --> 00:40:24,920 Speaker 2: do be aware of when you know judgments are unusual 669 00:40:25,000 --> 00:40:29,040 Speaker 2: or cruel, or when again they're just not actionable because 670 00:40:29,080 --> 00:40:32,080 Speaker 2: I don't think that person is actually committed to your 671 00:40:32,080 --> 00:40:35,840 Speaker 2: growth and to your success. There are definitely questions you 672 00:40:35,880 --> 00:40:39,520 Speaker 2: should ask yourself when it comes to whether this person 673 00:40:39,600 --> 00:40:42,600 Speaker 2: is someone I respect enough to listen to, whether they 674 00:40:42,600 --> 00:40:46,160 Speaker 2: are actually here to be constructive, or whether they're not. 675 00:40:46,800 --> 00:40:49,200 Speaker 2: And you do have to kind of answer those questions 676 00:40:49,719 --> 00:40:52,080 Speaker 2: for yourself. But if you can also try and find 677 00:40:52,120 --> 00:40:55,160 Speaker 2: a way to segment your reaction and find a way 678 00:40:55,200 --> 00:40:59,880 Speaker 2: to emotionally regulate and process criticism before it overrules the 679 00:41:00,040 --> 00:41:03,040 Speaker 2: irrational logical part of your brain, I think that is 680 00:41:03,080 --> 00:41:08,280 Speaker 2: also an amazing, amazing tool. Detach from the situation, find 681 00:41:08,320 --> 00:41:12,840 Speaker 2: your calm place, detach from the situation physically, and then return. 682 00:41:13,000 --> 00:41:16,680 Speaker 2: Because criticism is harsh, it does feel like rejection, it 683 00:41:16,719 --> 00:41:19,319 Speaker 2: does feel naturally threatening. So if you are someone who 684 00:41:19,440 --> 00:41:23,319 Speaker 2: was struggling with taking things on board, really do get 685 00:41:23,320 --> 00:41:27,720 Speaker 2: in the habit of practicing how to disconnect and remove 686 00:41:27,760 --> 00:41:31,560 Speaker 2: yourself from the emotional component of a scenario like this one. 687 00:41:32,400 --> 00:41:35,440 Speaker 2: I really do hope that you have enjoyed this episode. 688 00:41:35,480 --> 00:41:38,120 Speaker 2: I think that is all that I have time for today. 689 00:41:38,600 --> 00:41:42,759 Speaker 2: I've been rambling. I've been rambling about criticism, about internet trolls. 690 00:41:43,200 --> 00:41:45,359 Speaker 2: What's new. I love to talk about it. I love 691 00:41:45,400 --> 00:41:48,000 Speaker 2: to just, like, you know, put some flourishes of that 692 00:41:48,080 --> 00:41:50,799 Speaker 2: in there. And I do just want you to know 693 00:41:50,920 --> 00:41:53,879 Speaker 2: like it's okay to not it's okay to not want 694 00:41:53,880 --> 00:41:56,319 Speaker 2: to accept the things that people say to you that 695 00:41:56,400 --> 00:42:00,000 Speaker 2: sometimes feel harsh. So if it's something that you're try 696 00:42:00,080 --> 00:42:03,319 Speaker 2: trying to adapt to You have taken an amazing first 697 00:42:03,320 --> 00:42:05,919 Speaker 2: step and I really do wish you the best of luck, 698 00:42:06,080 --> 00:42:09,680 Speaker 2: whether whatever environment this is in. If you want a 699 00:42:09,719 --> 00:42:11,840 Speaker 2: follow up to this episode, if there is something else 700 00:42:12,280 --> 00:42:14,279 Speaker 2: around this that we have not discussed that you think 701 00:42:14,320 --> 00:42:17,160 Speaker 2: people should know, please feel free to reach out to 702 00:42:17,200 --> 00:42:21,240 Speaker 2: me at that Psychology Podcast. We are always taking episode 703 00:42:21,239 --> 00:42:24,880 Speaker 2: suggestions all the time, all hours of the day, so 704 00:42:25,280 --> 00:42:28,160 Speaker 2: if there is a topic you want to hear, please again, 705 00:42:28,200 --> 00:42:30,279 Speaker 2: we would love to hear from you. Make sure that 706 00:42:30,320 --> 00:42:33,719 Speaker 2: you are following along on Apple Podcasts or Spotify and 707 00:42:33,840 --> 00:42:36,000 Speaker 2: leave us a five star review. It would really make 708 00:42:36,040 --> 00:42:38,759 Speaker 2: our day. Wherever you are listening, we read them more 709 00:42:39,200 --> 00:42:42,120 Speaker 2: and we appreciate them more. I'm saying we, it's just me. 710 00:42:42,320 --> 00:42:44,959 Speaker 2: I appreciate them more, I love them more. And again, 711 00:42:45,040 --> 00:42:48,560 Speaker 2: thank you for listening. Until next time, Stay safe, stay kind, 712 00:42:48,800 --> 00:42:51,960 Speaker 2: please be gentle with yourself, and we will talk very 713 00:42:52,040 --> 00:42:52,520 Speaker 2: very soon.