1 00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:13,119 Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to another episode of Couch Talks 2 00:00:13,200 --> 00:00:16,000 Speaker 1: on You Need Therapy Podcasts. My name is Kat and 3 00:00:16,680 --> 00:00:20,120 Speaker 1: if you are unfamiliar with what couch Talks is, it's 4 00:00:20,120 --> 00:00:22,599 Speaker 1: the special bonus episode of You Need Therapy where I 5 00:00:22,760 --> 00:00:26,760 Speaker 1: answer questions that listeners like you send to Katherine at 6 00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:30,080 Speaker 1: You Need Therapy podcast dot com. If you decide to 7 00:00:30,120 --> 00:00:33,000 Speaker 1: send a question in, just know that they always say anonymous. 8 00:00:33,360 --> 00:00:35,360 Speaker 1: You don't have to worry about anybody finding out that 9 00:00:35,400 --> 00:00:37,400 Speaker 1: you send a question in or meet saying your name, 10 00:00:37,520 --> 00:00:40,159 Speaker 1: or exposing anything other than what you put in that email. 11 00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:44,360 Speaker 1: And quick reminder before we get into today's topic that 12 00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:46,960 Speaker 1: although I am answering your questions most of the time 13 00:00:47,040 --> 00:00:49,519 Speaker 1: on this episode and I am a therapist, this is 14 00:00:49,520 --> 00:00:53,360 Speaker 1: You Need Therapy. These podcasts do not serve as replacement 15 00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:57,120 Speaker 1: or substitutes for any actual mental health services. However, we 16 00:00:57,240 --> 00:01:01,000 Speaker 1: always hope that they can help you in some way. Now, 17 00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:04,080 Speaker 1: today I don't have a listener question. Rather, I thought 18 00:01:04,200 --> 00:01:07,080 Speaker 1: I would just get on here and chat for a 19 00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:12,160 Speaker 1: second about something that's been coming up a lot, not 20 00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:16,760 Speaker 1: just in my office, but in conversations with friends and 21 00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:20,920 Speaker 1: family in general, in my life and sometimes these conversations, 22 00:01:20,959 --> 00:01:23,600 Speaker 1: I'm bringing them up. Sometimes it's other people. It's just 23 00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:26,520 Speaker 1: I feel like a common issue that a lot of 24 00:01:26,560 --> 00:01:31,240 Speaker 1: people struggle with anybody who is in relationships, which most 25 00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:35,120 Speaker 1: of us are in relationships don't just mean romantic I 26 00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:40,600 Speaker 1: mean roommates, friends, sisters, brothers, co workers, anybody we share 27 00:01:40,640 --> 00:01:45,640 Speaker 1: any kind of space with, And that topic or idea 28 00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:51,640 Speaker 1: is the issue around how to confront somebody in a 29 00:01:51,680 --> 00:01:55,360 Speaker 1: way that shifts from being a blaming, aggressive bully to 30 00:01:55,800 --> 00:01:59,120 Speaker 1: confronting a situation from a standpoint of trying to really 31 00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:02,080 Speaker 1: find it a solution. And I'm going to go ahead 32 00:02:02,120 --> 00:02:04,400 Speaker 1: and make the generalization that we've all had an experience 33 00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:07,920 Speaker 1: where we've wanted to where we've needed to confront a situation, 34 00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:13,120 Speaker 1: whether we're angry, or we feel disrespected, or we're just 35 00:02:13,240 --> 00:02:18,040 Speaker 1: confused or something isn't done correctly. We have to approach people, 36 00:02:18,160 --> 00:02:19,920 Speaker 1: and a lot of us have been taught to be 37 00:02:20,919 --> 00:02:24,120 Speaker 1: people pleasers, essentially, like be very kind, be very polite, 38 00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:27,560 Speaker 1: don't make anybody uncomfortable, and conflict is uncomfortable, and a 39 00:02:27,639 --> 00:02:29,840 Speaker 1: lot of us has also been taught the opposite, like 40 00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:33,200 Speaker 1: it's one side or the other, it's I'm not confronting people, 41 00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:34,600 Speaker 1: and I'm nice all the time and I just like 42 00:02:34,720 --> 00:02:38,680 Speaker 1: let things go, or I'm this big bad werewolf that's 43 00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:40,920 Speaker 1: you know, huffing and puffing. And it doesn't have to 44 00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:43,720 Speaker 1: be that way, because we're all going to have some 45 00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:46,840 Speaker 1: kind of conflict, because we are all in relationships with people. 46 00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:50,520 Speaker 1: And these conflicts can come from somebody smacking their gum 47 00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:55,440 Speaker 1: and it's annoying you, to a roommate leaving all their 48 00:02:55,440 --> 00:02:58,160 Speaker 1: dishes in the sink, which is a common trope. It 49 00:02:58,160 --> 00:03:02,800 Speaker 1: could be a child or a partner collecting cups or 50 00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:05,240 Speaker 1: bowls or whatever in their bedroom. I know that when 51 00:03:05,280 --> 00:03:08,040 Speaker 1: I was younger, I always had about fifteen cups on 52 00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:14,040 Speaker 1: my nightstand. It could be a coworker who is leaving 53 00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:19,680 Speaker 1: a common room a mess, or using supplies without notifying 54 00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:21,840 Speaker 1: somebody if it's gone. I mean, it can be anything. 55 00:03:21,919 --> 00:03:23,720 Speaker 1: Just think of conflict in the It could be any 56 00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:26,840 Speaker 1: I could go on forever with that. And for example, 57 00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:28,800 Speaker 1: I think a lot of times like, let's go with 58 00:03:28,800 --> 00:03:31,960 Speaker 1: the cups issue. Let's say it's my husband who's just 59 00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:33,959 Speaker 1: like collecting, which sometimes she does this, and actually I 60 00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:35,760 Speaker 1: think I have two cups on my nice sand right now. 61 00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:38,560 Speaker 1: But let's say he's collecting like all of the cups 62 00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:42,720 Speaker 1: on his nice sand I could say something like, oh 63 00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:45,839 Speaker 1: my god, you always hoard all the cups up here. 64 00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:48,360 Speaker 1: You're making a mess. Why do you do that? Or 65 00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:50,840 Speaker 1: why can't you just remember to bring the cups downstairs 66 00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:53,880 Speaker 1: or what have you. I can say it like that, 67 00:03:54,160 --> 00:03:57,640 Speaker 1: and you can notice that I'm frustrated. You can notice 68 00:03:57,680 --> 00:04:00,880 Speaker 1: that that's intense. It is inviting somebody to be defensive 69 00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:04,840 Speaker 1: or feel kind of beaten down, and the why in 70 00:04:04,920 --> 00:04:08,400 Speaker 1: that statement or question really sets somebody up to, like 71 00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:12,640 Speaker 1: I said, be defensive. It is not a inviting or 72 00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:16,960 Speaker 1: warm word. And so it's something that even as therapists, 73 00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:20,159 Speaker 1: we're taught to dance around as often as we can 74 00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:22,719 Speaker 1: and kind of use other words in order to allow 75 00:04:22,760 --> 00:04:25,840 Speaker 1: people to feel more open and free to share really 76 00:04:25,839 --> 00:04:29,080 Speaker 1: what's going on. For example, like why did you do that? 77 00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:32,320 Speaker 1: Versus I'm curious what encouraged you to make that decision. 78 00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:35,920 Speaker 1: I'm asking the same thing in two very different ways. 79 00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:39,880 Speaker 1: And so with a cup situation, I could say something like, 80 00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:44,200 Speaker 1: I noticed that you tend to like collect a couple cups, 81 00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:48,480 Speaker 1: maybe five, sometimes ten cups on your nightstand before you 82 00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:51,719 Speaker 1: remember to bring them back down. Is there a way 83 00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:54,200 Speaker 1: that I can help remind you to bring your cup 84 00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:55,640 Speaker 1: down in the morning, because I know that you like 85 00:04:55,680 --> 00:04:57,880 Speaker 1: to bring a cup of water up to the bed 86 00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:03,719 Speaker 1: at night. So I I'm not blaming anything. I am curious. 87 00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:06,320 Speaker 1: I'm staying curious, and I'm asking if there's a way 88 00:05:06,360 --> 00:05:10,000 Speaker 1: I can help. I'm not asking to do it for them. 89 00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:12,560 Speaker 1: I'm not saying you just can't do it, so I'm 90 00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:15,080 Speaker 1: gonna do it for you. I'm saying, hey, I noticed 91 00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:19,040 Speaker 1: that you collect these cups. I wonder if it it's 92 00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:20,479 Speaker 1: hard for you to remember to bring it down in 93 00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:22,120 Speaker 1: the morning. And then, you know, I get it. You 94 00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:23,920 Speaker 1: want to bring a cup upstairs with you every night. 95 00:05:24,320 --> 00:05:26,599 Speaker 1: Is there a way I can remind you in the 96 00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:28,920 Speaker 1: morning to help you get into the routine of doing that. 97 00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:33,359 Speaker 1: And that invites my partner into saying what they feel 98 00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:35,120 Speaker 1: it could be you know, I actually don't care about 99 00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:38,720 Speaker 1: the cups, which can lead us into something else. Allowing 100 00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:41,520 Speaker 1: space to care about what your partner cares out or 101 00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:43,880 Speaker 1: can invite space to be Oh, I know I've been 102 00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:46,760 Speaker 1: trying to remember. I'm getting you so frustrated with myself. Yes, 103 00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:48,920 Speaker 1: that would be so helpful. Maybe when you're carrying your 104 00:05:48,920 --> 00:05:52,520 Speaker 1: cup down, just like say bring your cup down, or hey, 105 00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:54,480 Speaker 1: I'm bringing a cup down, to remind me to bring 106 00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:57,880 Speaker 1: my cup down. And again this might he might be like, Okay, 107 00:05:57,880 --> 00:06:00,360 Speaker 1: we're talking about cups on the night stand. That's low 108 00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:03,800 Speaker 1: hanging fruit. But that's just an example of how you 109 00:06:03,839 --> 00:06:08,400 Speaker 1: can shift that why and very blaming experience to a Hey, 110 00:06:08,600 --> 00:06:11,560 Speaker 1: I noticed this, let's talk about it. Is there a 111 00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:14,400 Speaker 1: way that I can help find a solution here? I mean, 112 00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:18,560 Speaker 1: think about the example I gave about a coworker who 113 00:06:19,120 --> 00:06:21,560 Speaker 1: I remember when we when I worked at one of 114 00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:25,200 Speaker 1: my jobs, all supplies was in like a house, a warehouse, 115 00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:27,640 Speaker 1: like fifteen minutes away. So if we ran out of 116 00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:30,320 Speaker 1: computer paper, it wasn't so easy to just like run 117 00:06:30,360 --> 00:06:33,719 Speaker 1: and get some more. And so I would imagine if 118 00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:35,400 Speaker 1: I shared an office, or I shared a printer, or 119 00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:37,720 Speaker 1: somebody would be pretty frustrating if they left me with 120 00:06:37,760 --> 00:06:40,080 Speaker 1: no ink or no paper or something like that. And 121 00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:42,720 Speaker 1: so instead of saying why do you not refill the paper? 122 00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:45,919 Speaker 1: Or it's really annoying when you don't refill the paper, 123 00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:48,440 Speaker 1: or I've been something like that, that feels more aggressive, 124 00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:50,800 Speaker 1: or you just don't say anything because you don't want 125 00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:53,520 Speaker 1: to bother somebody. You say, hey, I noticed that when 126 00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:55,000 Speaker 1: we run out of paper or we run out of 127 00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:58,200 Speaker 1: inkor or something like that. It always happens to be 128 00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:00,520 Speaker 1: in like the most inconvenient times when we need to 129 00:07:00,560 --> 00:07:03,120 Speaker 1: print something or something like that. So would it be 130 00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:05,200 Speaker 1: helpful if I made us a sign and put it 131 00:07:05,240 --> 00:07:09,000 Speaker 1: on the printer that said email maintenance for more paper 132 00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:11,560 Speaker 1: when we're running low, And so whoever notices that we're 133 00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:14,400 Speaker 1: running low can just shoot an email. I can even 134 00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:17,040 Speaker 1: make a QR code that allows us to just scan 135 00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:19,239 Speaker 1: it up and it goes straight to our email that's 136 00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:21,840 Speaker 1: already set up for us. Because I have to go 137 00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:23,360 Speaker 1: run out and get paper right now, and I know 138 00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:26,720 Speaker 1: this has happened probably to you before too, and I'm 139 00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:29,160 Speaker 1: in a rush. Do you think that would be helpful? 140 00:07:29,560 --> 00:07:31,720 Speaker 1: Do you have any ideas? And they can say, oh 141 00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:34,640 Speaker 1: my gosh, yes, I'm so sorry. I thought that we 142 00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:36,240 Speaker 1: were running low, but I wasn't sure, and I was 143 00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:38,440 Speaker 1: in a rush too, So it would be helpful to 144 00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:42,080 Speaker 1: see something that reminds me to take into an account setting 145 00:07:42,120 --> 00:07:43,840 Speaker 1: ourselves up well for the next time we need to 146 00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:48,080 Speaker 1: print something. So again I'm role playing with myself right now, 147 00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:54,440 Speaker 1: but instead of getting aggressive or again blaming, and I 148 00:07:54,480 --> 00:07:56,640 Speaker 1: want to say confrontational, and I mean that in the 149 00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:59,960 Speaker 1: aggressive way, not just like this is a type of confrontation, 150 00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:03,160 Speaker 1: a type of conflict. We're finding ways to be inviting 151 00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:05,160 Speaker 1: about it. And since we're a team, how can we 152 00:08:05,160 --> 00:08:07,880 Speaker 1: be part of the solution together versus put this onto 153 00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:11,280 Speaker 1: somebody else. And So I don't know if you need 154 00:08:11,280 --> 00:08:13,840 Speaker 1: that right now, but I have a feeling that most 155 00:08:13,840 --> 00:08:15,480 Speaker 1: of you guys listening are going to need that in 156 00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:18,160 Speaker 1: the future. That when we are feeling frustrated and we're 157 00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:22,880 Speaker 1: feeling like somebody keeps doing something consistently that's getting under 158 00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:25,640 Speaker 1: our skin, there is a way for us to approach 159 00:08:25,720 --> 00:08:29,160 Speaker 1: that that invites us into problem solve with the person 160 00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:34,160 Speaker 1: we're with, versus blame them or avoid the confrontation as 161 00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:37,440 Speaker 1: a whole because we don't want to upset anybody. So, Hey, 162 00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:40,319 Speaker 1: I've noticed this problem that keeps happening. I want to 163 00:08:40,360 --> 00:08:43,160 Speaker 1: be part of the solution. Let's talk about it, versus 164 00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:46,920 Speaker 1: fix this or get out or I'm not gonna notice it, 165 00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:49,840 Speaker 1: but I'm gonna start slamming doors and cabinets, so you 166 00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:52,880 Speaker 1: know that I'm frustrated and bring out that passive aggressive 167 00:08:52,920 --> 00:08:56,400 Speaker 1: nature that a lot of us might have inside of us. 168 00:08:56,880 --> 00:08:59,120 Speaker 1: I know that I do, and so it's helpful I 169 00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:02,120 Speaker 1: can speak from myself. It is very helpful when I 170 00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:05,760 Speaker 1: can invite myself into a solution and have a conversation 171 00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:10,360 Speaker 1: with somebody versus have to consistently either get on to 172 00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:13,400 Speaker 1: somebody or feel like I have to babysit them or 173 00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:17,040 Speaker 1: take care of them. I can invite myself into solve 174 00:09:17,080 --> 00:09:20,560 Speaker 1: the problem with somebody, and that might also make that 175 00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:25,720 Speaker 1: person feel cared for, seeing appreciated and able to, you know, 176 00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:29,320 Speaker 1: take some responsibility. It's always easier to take responsibility for 177 00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:31,640 Speaker 1: things when we don't feel like we are about to 178 00:09:31,640 --> 00:09:35,840 Speaker 1: get in trouble for it, and somebody taking responsibility doesn't 179 00:09:35,840 --> 00:09:37,360 Speaker 1: have to equal trouble. But when we come at them 180 00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:41,160 Speaker 1: with those why questions, it very much sends our bodies 181 00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:43,800 Speaker 1: into that, oh no, something bad's about to happen. I 182 00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:46,640 Speaker 1: have to find a way to protect myself. And if 183 00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:50,040 Speaker 1: we show up to these conversations, when we approach them 184 00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:53,320 Speaker 1: within an inviting space where nobody's in trouble, we're trying 185 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:56,360 Speaker 1: to figure this out together. It allows people to say, hey, 186 00:09:56,400 --> 00:09:58,920 Speaker 1: you know what, that is frustrating that I do that, 187 00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:01,880 Speaker 1: And I have been trying to remember that on my own, 188 00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:04,120 Speaker 1: but it seems like I can't. So it would be 189 00:10:04,160 --> 00:10:06,880 Speaker 1: really helpful for you to make that sign, or for 190 00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:08,960 Speaker 1: you to send me that text, or for you to 191 00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:11,120 Speaker 1: create that alarm for us that would remind us to 192 00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:13,600 Speaker 1: do that thing or that schedule that would help us 193 00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:16,720 Speaker 1: take turns with this task. So I hope that was 194 00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:19,559 Speaker 1: helpful for you guys. I know that that skill is 195 00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:21,480 Speaker 1: helpful for me, even though I don't always do it 196 00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:24,760 Speaker 1: perfectly myself. Allow some grace as you learn some of 197 00:10:24,800 --> 00:10:28,600 Speaker 1: these new skills. Like I said, if you have any questions, feedback, comments, anything, 198 00:10:28,640 --> 00:10:30,480 Speaker 1: you can send that to me Catherine at you Need 199 00:10:30,520 --> 00:10:34,080 Speaker 1: Therapy podcast You can follow us at kat van Buren 200 00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:36,840 Speaker 1: on Instagram and at you Need Therapy Podcasts. And until 201 00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:39,440 Speaker 1: next Monday, I hope you guys are having the day 202 00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:40,440 Speaker 1: you need to have