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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome back to another new episode of

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Speaker 1: Couch Talks on You Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat.

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Speaker 1: I am the host, and I'm very glad you're here.

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Speaker 1: If you're new and you don't know what couch Talks is,

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Speaker 1: it is the bonus episode of You Need Therapy that

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Speaker 1: comes out every single Wednesday, where I answer questions that

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Speaker 1: you guys send to me and if you have a question,

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Speaker 1: you can send that to Catherine at You Need Therapy

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Speaker 1: podcast dot com and then maybe one day I'll answer it.

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Speaker 1: Quick reminder up top, especially for couch Talks, is that

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Speaker 1: although I'm a therapist and although on this episode I'm

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Speaker 1: answering some of your questions, this podcast still does not

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Speaker 1: serve as a substitute or a replacement for mental health services,

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Speaker 1: including therapy in itself. Although it might lead you to therapy,

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Speaker 1: and we love that, We really do love that. So

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Speaker 1: this week we have one question and if you are

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Speaker 1: new again, we always like to keep these anonymous because

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Speaker 1: you know, touchy things and sometimes we just like to

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Speaker 1: send in questions and have nobody know that we asked them.

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Speaker 1: And you know what, I'm glad because I think a

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Speaker 1: lot of people send in questions, especially this one that

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Speaker 1: a lot of people can relate to, so it doesn't

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Speaker 1: really matter who sent it in because a lot of

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Speaker 1: us are wondering the answer, which is why more than

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Speaker 1: one person listens to the podcast, which I'm very grateful for.

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Speaker 1: Thank you, guys. And also if you're new, and even

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Speaker 1: if you're not new and you just haven't done this,

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Speaker 1: I would love, love, love, love love for you guys

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Speaker 1: to write the podcast, maybe even leave a comment. That

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Speaker 1: would be super cool, and you can do that on

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Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts and guys, you can do that on Spotify

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Speaker 1: now as well. So if you have not honestly listen,

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Speaker 1: I was listening to listen as if you weren't listening,

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Speaker 1: maybe you weren't. Sometimes I zoned out when I'm listening

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Speaker 1: to podcast. But I was listening to an episode of

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Speaker 1: The Morning Toast, which is my newest podcast obsession. It

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Speaker 1: is so funny. I love a lot of certain podcasts

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Speaker 1: because I like people's voices, like I don't know how

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Speaker 1: to describe that. It's not a smar, but certain podcasts

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Speaker 1: I do like listening to because the host voices and

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Speaker 1: I found The Morning Toast through like a TikTok video

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Speaker 1: because they got a TikTok and I love Jackie's voice,

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Speaker 1: like she just has this like New York access. Just

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Speaker 1: the way they enunciate things. I don't know, They're just

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Speaker 1: silly in the way that they speak. Anyway, that's not important.

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Speaker 1: But I was listening to one of their episodes last

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Speaker 1: week and I highly recommend it. It's just silly pop culture.

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Speaker 1: They talk about their lives and I listened. I think

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Speaker 1: a lot of people listen to their podcast. I'm getting

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Speaker 1: to the point. They were talking about how they put

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Speaker 1: the podcasts out for free, and they're like, we put

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Speaker 1: this podcast out for free, and you get this for free,

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Speaker 1: and and we do this, and we want to continue

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Speaker 1: do that for you. And the only thing we ask

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Speaker 1: of you is that you follow us on YouTube, even

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Speaker 1: if you don't ever want to watch us on YouTube.

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Speaker 1: Now I don't have a YouTube, but I really like

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Speaker 1: their strategy. She's a comedian, so she was being funny,

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Speaker 1: but she was like, if every single person that listens

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Speaker 1: to this podcast doesn't go subscribe to O a YouTube channel,

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Speaker 1: I'm going to make every episode costs like one million dollars. Now,

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Speaker 1: I don't think she's really going to do that, but

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Speaker 1: I thought it was funny and I liked her point, like,

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Speaker 1: podcasts are free for the most part, and so all

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Speaker 1: we really want from you is to like support us

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Speaker 1: in ways that help the podcast be shared and spread.

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Speaker 1: And one of the ways that is is writing them.

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Speaker 1: So that is my long waited way to say, please

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Speaker 1: give us a rating. Okay, now let's get to the

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Speaker 1: question for today. I got this one last week and

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Speaker 1: was like, immediately, we're doing this next week and emailed

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Speaker 1: her back. So here's the question and then after we

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Speaker 1: will talk about it together. Hey, Kat, my question reckon

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Speaker 1: endations on how to approach friends slash family who make

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Speaker 1: negative comments about how they feel you're operating outside of

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Speaker 1: d quote societal norms. For example, my boyfriend is five

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Speaker 1: and a half years younger than I am. I'm thirty,

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Speaker 1: he's twenty four. This hasn't been a problem for us whatsoever,

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Speaker 1: But lately, the closer we get to talking about engagement,

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Speaker 1: people have been questioning our end quotes age gap. And

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Speaker 1: then in parenthesis, she writes, and maybe you can relate

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Speaker 1: because I heard Amy joke briefly about your boyfriend being

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Speaker 1: younger than you. There's so many dating relationships that fit

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Speaker 1: outside societal norms though, so I can't be alone in

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Speaker 1: this any ideas on how to talk to people about this.

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Speaker 1: Many blessings to you your friend in Colorado, and yeah, gosh,

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Speaker 1: you're not alone in this at all. There are many

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Speaker 1: ways that people have very successful, healthy relationships that don't

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Speaker 1: always fit in the norms that society places on relationships.

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Speaker 1: Age caps are super interesting to me, especially because if

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Speaker 1: there is an age gap specifically in like a heterosexual relationship,

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Speaker 1: then usually it's the guy that's older and like he's

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Speaker 1: also not more than like five years older, and well,

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Speaker 1: that can feel like really limiting, like if we can

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Speaker 1: only date people that are in this age limit and

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Speaker 1: only this person is allowed to be older and this

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Speaker 1: and that, it's like why does it even really matter?

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Speaker 1: We have to ask ourselves why are we making this

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Speaker 1: a big deal? And if we don't have a reason,

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Speaker 1: then like that's where we have to kind of like

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Speaker 1: put a stop sign, because if we operate within those norms,

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Speaker 1: the pool of people we are willing to date is

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Speaker 1: just going to be drastically smaller than it already feels

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Speaker 1: like it is for a lot of people. And for

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Speaker 1: what reason that seems kind of silly just because it's

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Speaker 1: been that way. I really, you know, struggle with the

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Speaker 1: this is like a side note, but struggle with that

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Speaker 1: idea that people say, like, well, it's always been that way,

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Speaker 1: We've always done it that way. It's always just okay,

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Speaker 1: we get it. I get it, And like I think,

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Speaker 1: in certain circumstances and certain situations, tradition is super important.

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Speaker 1: But when it comes to like societal norms on who

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Speaker 1: we can date and why and all of that, it's

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Speaker 1: a little bit silly because as time moves on, things

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Speaker 1: change and we're allowed to change with those things. That's

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Speaker 1: a whole topic for another day anyway. Now, the first

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Speaker 1: thing I really want to say here besides that, is

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Speaker 1: that just because something isn't normal, it doesn't necessarily mean

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Speaker 1: it's bad or wrong or something you should be extra

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Speaker 1: cautious about. Like something being not normal doesn't automatically equal bad.

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Speaker 1: And I think that is something that we need to

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Speaker 1: get a little bit more comfortable with as a whole,

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Speaker 1: because even I can be that way. When people operate

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Speaker 1: outside of what I would do or what I think

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Speaker 1: is normal, it doesn't mean that what those people are

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Speaker 1: doing is bad. I'm just not used to it, And

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Speaker 1: I think this is probably what a lot of your

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Speaker 1: friends and your family are coming at you around it, Like,

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Speaker 1: we're just not used to this, so we don't really

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Speaker 1: comprehend how this can be okay and not have any

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Speaker 1: issues or repercussions or things that you kind of want to,

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Speaker 1: like take a second look at what works or makes

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Speaker 1: sense for one person may seem outrageous to another person,

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Speaker 1: and it's just simply because we're created all very differently,

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Speaker 1: and also because we're created all very differently, different things

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Speaker 1: are gonna work for different people, just like there's not

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Speaker 1: one way to eat or one way to exercise, or

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Speaker 1: not like one way that is the way to live

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Speaker 1: our lives and date, which is another reason why I

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Speaker 1: do have some issues with dating coaches and all that.

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Speaker 1: I've talked about that on the podcast a lot before,

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Speaker 1: because they give this like oversimplified generic advice saying this

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Speaker 1: is what's right, this is what's wrong, this is what

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Speaker 1: you should do, this is what you shouldn't, And when

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Speaker 1: it comes down to it, there's a million bazillion ways

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Speaker 1: to date successfully. Now, like I said, it's gonna be

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Speaker 1: hard for people to comprehend. We get stuck in our

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Speaker 1: own brains and how our brains make sense of the

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Speaker 1: world and what feels right to us, and we just

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Speaker 1: can't imagine things working for others that don't work for us.

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Speaker 1: We get like static in our way of understanding and

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Speaker 1: thinking and lack really mental flexibility to sit with the

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Speaker 1: idea that again, we are all different and we need

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Speaker 1: different things. And when it comes to dating, what a

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Speaker 1: lot of people are looking at and what people are

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Speaker 1: looking for is how they show up and not necessarily

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Speaker 1: their age. For example, I dated somebody for about a

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Speaker 1: year who was seven years older than me that felt

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Speaker 1: more my age than older. He was thirty four and

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Speaker 1: I was around and honestly, at times he felt younger

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Speaker 1: than me, especially in some of the emotional regulation flexibility stuff.

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Speaker 1: I think I assumed at that time in my life

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Speaker 1: that he was more mature just because he was older.

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Speaker 1: But that wasn't necessarily right, and I didn't feel that

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Speaker 1: age gap when I really look back on it, other

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Speaker 1: than when I look at his finances and his career

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Speaker 1: advance months because he had seven more years to work

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Speaker 1: on his career than I didn't. I was kind of

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Speaker 1: just starting out and I'm now dating someone who's younger

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Speaker 1: than me, And he's younger than me by three and

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Speaker 1: a half years, which doesn't sound like a lot. And

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Speaker 1: I also think that this we played this weird game

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Speaker 1: where we're like, well, it matters when like they're twenty

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Speaker 1: one and he's seven, but it doesn't matter when they're

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Speaker 1: forty and she's forty seven or something like that. And

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Speaker 1: I get that because again, we're thinking mature wise, like

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Speaker 1: we're thinking life stage wise. That makes a lot more

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Speaker 1: of a difference than just their age of like, yeah,

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Speaker 1: a nineteen year old who was in college is going

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Speaker 1: to be a different life stage most likely than somebody

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Speaker 1: who's thirty one. We can assume that when you get

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Speaker 1: into the forties or the fifties or even some of them,

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Speaker 1: like the later thirties, that's not going to be as

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Speaker 1: big as a gap. But again, everybody is different. What

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Speaker 1: is true is that it's not about the age necessarily.

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Speaker 1: It's about compatibility lifestyle wise, how do we fit? Goal wise?

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Speaker 1: How do we fit? Dating somebody or a who never

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Speaker 1: wants to get married makes less sense than dating someone

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Speaker 1: five years younger than you. That does Dating someone your

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Speaker 1: age who doesn't match your needs doesn't make sense just

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Speaker 1: because it looks more normal. So all of this to say,

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Speaker 1: I'm sorry that you've been getting kind of like the

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Speaker 1: brunt of this like mental inflexibility, And it's very possible.

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Speaker 1: I think that some of the people around you just

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Speaker 1: really have no idea how you're feeling when they make

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Speaker 1: those comments. So I think it's very very smart of

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Speaker 1: you to be wondering and to be proactive about how

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Speaker 1: to let them know what's going on in side of

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Speaker 1: you when you hear some of their comments. And like

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Speaker 1: most confrontations that I talk about with my clients or

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Speaker 1: on this show, you don't have to make this this

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Speaker 1: a big, huge, like sit down we need to talk

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Speaker 1: scary or deal. You get to approach this just like

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Speaker 1: a normal conversation. I think sometimes we just amp things

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Speaker 1: up in our minds so much and we make them

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Speaker 1: into these huge situations in this tangled mess when we're

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Speaker 1: really just trying to do something very simple. Sharing a

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Speaker 1: feeling should be fairly simple, and if that is blown

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Speaker 1: out of proportion by the other party, there isn't really

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Speaker 1: much you could do. So as long as you can

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Speaker 1: approach this in a kind regulated way, then I think

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Speaker 1: that this can be pretty easy, although some people just

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Speaker 1: struggle with any kind of confrontation, even if it's a carrying,

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Speaker 1: low stakes one. So I do have some empathy for that.

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Speaker 1: I don't want to minimize that this can be really,

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Speaker 1: actually kind of hard for people. Now I have a

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Speaker 1: little template to have intentional confrontations, and it just basically

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Speaker 1: goes like this. I've talked about this before. When you blank,

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Speaker 1: I feel blank, the story I makeup in my head

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Speaker 1: or the judgment I make up is blank, and then

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Speaker 1: you kind of just check in with them does that fit?

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Speaker 1: Is that right in my off? And then they can

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Speaker 1: say yes or no, and then you can follow up

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Speaker 1: with what I need is blank, and you kind of

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Speaker 1: just like stay to need. So I wonder for you,

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Speaker 1: what would it be like for you to say, Hey,

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Speaker 1: when I hear you say X like something about your

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Speaker 1: boyfriend being younger than you, I feel bummed out and sad.

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Speaker 1: And the story makeup is that you're judging my relationship

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Speaker 1: in a negative way rather than supporting me and being

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Speaker 1: excited for my happiness. And I just wanted to kind

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Speaker 1: of check in and see how this fits because it's

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Speaker 1: been on my mind and it's something that I kind

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Speaker 1: of don't want to have keep happening within us when

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Speaker 1: we talk about my relationship, and I think again, it's

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Speaker 1: fair to say maybe in their heads they're just trying

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Speaker 1: to support you by helping you think about things that

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Speaker 1: you might have not thought about. So this could open

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Speaker 1: up a space to have a really fruitful conversation where

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Speaker 1: you can just see where your lines maybe didn't cross

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Speaker 1: the right times, and maybe they would be like, oh

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Speaker 1: my gosh, I had no idea, that's not what I meant.

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Speaker 1: Or they can say like, Hi, you're right, like I

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Speaker 1: am judging, and I guess I just don't really understand

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Speaker 1: how these things don't bother you. So help me understand now. Again,

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Speaker 1: Like I said, if you are going to have this conversation,

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Speaker 1: and if you do it in a regulated way, there

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Speaker 1: shouldn't be a huge abruption. It shouldn't be that big

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Speaker 1: of a scary, big bad conversation. However, if you're having

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Speaker 1: this conversation with somebody that lacks any kind of flexibility,

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Speaker 1: any kind of empathy, any kind of emotional regulation, then

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Speaker 1: you are opening yourself up to something that might not

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Speaker 1: be super helpful. So before you have this conversation, I

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Speaker 1: would especially going coming off of the tales of the

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Speaker 1: episode we did on Monday about narcissism. You have to

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Speaker 1: make sure that like who you're going to is somebody

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Speaker 1: who is able to be regulated and stable, and even

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Speaker 1: though you might get in little TIFFs sometimes or have

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Speaker 1: disagreements or not see eye to eye on everything, they

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Speaker 1: do have the ability to be regulated and carrying and loving.

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Speaker 1: And most likely if you're talking to your friends about

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Speaker 1: your relationship or your family and they're getting certain details

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Speaker 1: of your relationship, that they are carrying people but you

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Speaker 1: never know. So I hope that is helpful. And you

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Speaker 1: need to have the relationship that you need to have,

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Speaker 1: just like you need to have. The day you need

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Speaker 1: to have and the day we need to have looks

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Speaker 1: different and can look different for all kinds of people

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Speaker 1: because again, we are all created differently. Maybe a new tagline. Yeah, anyway,

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Speaker 1: thank you for your question and I hope it was helpful.

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Speaker 1: If you guys have questions again, you can send them

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Speaker 1: to Catherine at you Need Therapy podcast dot com and

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Speaker 1: maybe one day it will pop up on the show.

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Speaker 1: Like I said, I have the day you need to

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Speaker 1: have and I will be back with you guys on

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Speaker 1: Monday bye,