Speaker 1: Terry Cole, who is the boundary Boss, literally has changed
Speaker 1: my life and I'm sure millions of other people's lives
Speaker 1: by this awareness of boundaries and real digestible, like understandable,
Speaker 1: relatable terms. So it actually clicks. I told you earlier,
Speaker 1: I feel like the man of the Iron masks, like
Speaker 1: when I heard this conversation you have with Happy Heller
Speaker 1: about boundaries, and like I felt like someone turned the
Speaker 1: key and removed the mask from my brain. And now
Speaker 1: I have like so much open space in my brain
Speaker 1: because I've been high functioning co dependent. So you're gonna
Speaker 1: walk us through a quick little how to, So go
Speaker 1: ahead and just tell us talk about boundaries. House a
Speaker 1: few little steps to get you go on on boundaries.
Speaker 1: All right, Well, let's start with understanding where you need boundaries.
Speaker 1: And this is something that really trips people up in
Speaker 1: the beginning, where they're like, I don't even know, Like
Speaker 1: I don't I literally don't know. So we're gonna do
Speaker 1: a quick resentment inventory mm, because where you're feeling resentment
Speaker 1: in your relationships is probably where a need is going
Speaker 1: on met. So either a boundary is being crossed and
Speaker 1: or a boundary is needed. Maybe you have a boundary
Speaker 1: in your mind, you'd like to set a limit, but
Speaker 1: you haven't actually done it. But then when that person
Speaker 1: who doesn't know what you're thinking steps over that line,
Speaker 1: you're like pisted and you keep accumulating that resentment. Right,
Speaker 1: we just have a file cabinet because we are expecting
Speaker 1: everyone to be these mind readers, like putting more more
Speaker 1: resentment in the file cabinet. Yes, because it's like, don't
Speaker 1: you know my boundaries? Can't you feel it? Like, because
Speaker 1: I can feel it, you should feel it. But no,
Speaker 1: how could anyone know what our boundaries are if we
Speaker 1: don't let them know and and and hold them? Is correct?
Speaker 1: And yet yeah, go ahead, sorry, yes, but it's our
Speaker 1: it's our responsibility that that's the whole thing where when
Speaker 1: you're acting as a high function or a regular functioning codependent,
Speaker 1: we're putting all of this emphasis. We've been trained to
Speaker 1: put all this emphasis on other people in other people's behavior.
Speaker 1: So we're like, well, if Betty just hadn't asked me
Speaker 1: to help her move, I wouldn't have to be put
Speaker 1: in this position to have to say no. And the right,
Speaker 1: So we get so piste off about that. When the
Speaker 1: empowering piece is that we're going to flip that. And
Speaker 1: when you realize that, you can simply and lovingly and
Speaker 1: with kindness assert your preference. My preference is to not
Speaker 1: help you move. That is my preference, and I'm not
Speaker 1: going to so I'm unavailable to do that, and we
Speaker 1: can do it in a loving way other people's expectation.
Speaker 1: And this is don't worry you, guys. I am going
Speaker 1: to get back to your resentment inventory, but I want
Speaker 1: to tie this into the people pleasing part of being
Speaker 1: a codependent, where even when you are a master of
Speaker 1: the universe right, you are crushing it in life, making money,
Speaker 1: doing all the work, being willing to work harder and
Speaker 1: longer and more than all the other people. You're like,
Speaker 1: I just will keep going until I get that thing done.
Speaker 1: You are still being put in this position to people please.
Speaker 1: You are still focused, unduly focused on the feeling states
Speaker 1: of other people. You're talking to someone. As you had
Speaker 1: said before, Carlin, you're like, you can read a room
Speaker 1: in this expert way. So when I was in my twenties,
Speaker 1: if I was talking to someone and I was going
Speaker 1: a certain way, and I could see the micro expression
Speaker 1: on their face, change. I could easily just bob and
Speaker 1: weave to like a different way of So what I
Speaker 1: was actually saying, like, yeah, just all all the skills,
Speaker 1: Like what a waste? You know what I mean. So
Speaker 1: you're gonna back to your resentment inventory. You're going to
Speaker 1: write down who in the players we know, you know,
Speaker 1: every single person listening to this right now. If I'm
Speaker 1: like I think of the first person who comes to
Speaker 1: mind that you might be holding some resentment for, they
Speaker 1: come to your mind, you know who it is. So
Speaker 1: you're going to write down the situation and start to
Speaker 1: understand what needs to happen here. What's missing from this equation?
Speaker 1: I'm pissed that my partner leaves the wet towels on
Speaker 1: our wood floor. I mean, I just want to go,
Speaker 1: what the hell's wrong with him or them? What? What's
Speaker 1: the deal? Blah blah blah. Every time you see it,
Speaker 1: you pick it up, you put it on the back
Speaker 1: the fucking hook that's right on the back of the
Speaker 1: bathroom door. But you you've now it's like we're tracking
Speaker 1: that resentment. The question is have you asked your partner
Speaker 1: to hang the f and thing up? Listen, we can
Speaker 1: judge the graph out of the partner. We could be like,
Speaker 1: what the hell's wrong with you? Obviously everybody knows that
Speaker 1: a wet towel is gonna leave a day on the
Speaker 1: wood floor. But that is not problem solving. That's just judgment, right,
Speaker 1: that's just making the other person wrong in this situation.
Speaker 1: Perhaps my client says to me, I haven't said anything
Speaker 1: to him because he should know. All right, man, well
Speaker 1: that's not getting you what you want, which is for
Speaker 1: him to hang the avant towel up on the back
Speaker 1: of the bathroom door. Right, So now we need to
Speaker 1: go what what is the action that's needed that client
Speaker 1: needs to have a conversation. Oh, hey, babe, I'd like
Speaker 1: to make a simple request that you hang up the
Speaker 1: wet tails and don't leave him on the floor. Well,
Speaker 1: I was leaving them on the floor because that's where
Speaker 1: we're putting the dirty laundry. No, no, dirty laundry goes
Speaker 1: in the laundry room, right, or if it's not dirty,
Speaker 1: hang it back up please, right, So so you you
Speaker 1: get the requestion, So that now and then you want
Speaker 1: to get an agreement. So, so can we agree that
Speaker 1: you will do that? Partner says, yes, we'll do that.
Speaker 1: That's an action that you can take. Now. My client
Speaker 1: in that scenario was basically saying I shouldn't have to
Speaker 1: say anything about it, and I'm like, hey, this is
Speaker 1: a self sabotage and way of not making yourself vulnerable.
Speaker 1: You're blaming your partner saying that somehow they were raised
Speaker 1: badly because they're dropping their wet towel on the wood floor.
Speaker 1: You don't want to be put in a position to
Speaker 1: be vulnerable, so you're letting yourself off the hook to
Speaker 1: have a hard conversation, even though I picked a really
Speaker 1: simple example, right, because that's not even such a hard conversation.
Speaker 1: But I don't want the I didn't want the example
Speaker 1: to be so complex that it would be hard to
Speaker 1: illustrate what I'm saying, right, which is there are things
Speaker 1: that we can do, and here's the rubs sort of
Speaker 1: you are of every relation hip and every interaction that
Speaker 1: you're So what we're really looking at when we do
Speaker 1: representment inventory is what is my fifty of what is happening. Oh,
Speaker 1: for my client in that scenario, her was not saying anything,
Speaker 1: So you're keeping the situation going and it's not about blame.
Speaker 1: It's about understanding the dynamics of relationships. Sometimes our is
Speaker 1: just staying in a shitty relationship or unsatisfying friendship because
Speaker 1: the other person thinks we're their best friend even though
Speaker 1: inside were like, dude, if I had a housewarming party,
Speaker 1: you wouldn't even be invited, So I have no idea
Speaker 1: why you think I'm your best friend. But part of
Speaker 1: it is when you're high functioning codependent, you can be
Speaker 1: so influenced by the way other people feel about you.
Speaker 1: The image of you, right that is huge, And even
Speaker 1: if you don't like them, if they have this great
Speaker 1: image of you, you've got to keep it up for
Speaker 1: him because you want them to like you. So you've
Speaker 1: got to keep doing the thing but get that good
Speaker 1: image going. And then you're like, I don't even get
Speaker 1: want to be with you. What am I doing? That's
Speaker 1: so funny. I always say this about high functioning codependency
Speaker 1: and being people pleased. There could be someone who you
Speaker 1: you literally have a dislike for, and if you hear
Speaker 1: from someone that that person, if you hear from someone
Speaker 1: that that person doesn't like you, you're like, wait a minute,
Speaker 1: what everyone likes me. I didn't do anything. What is
Speaker 1: there not to like about me like and instead of
Speaker 1: instead of asking why, meaning why doesn't Betty like me?
Speaker 1: The question is what the hell do I care? So
Speaker 1: why do we care? Because part of it with people pleasing,
Speaker 1: we're getting all of this validation from the outside. So
Speaker 1: if someone doesn't like us, it's messing with our the
Speaker 1: way we see ourselves, even if we don't like that person.
Speaker 1: So this is it's a lack of discernment where we
Speaker 1: need to discern who should be in the v I
Speaker 1: P section of our life right Not every person who
Speaker 1: thinks they should be there should be there. According to me,
Speaker 1: people need to show us that they are emotionally trustworthy.
Speaker 1: We want people who we value and who value us,
Speaker 1: and we fill up their bucket and they fill up
Speaker 1: our bucket. But instead, when you're a high functioning codependent,
Speaker 1: I mean I was. I had no discernment in my twenties,
Speaker 1: like I could get codependently attached to like my hair colors,
Speaker 1: my mailman, like anybody if they had a problem. There
Speaker 1: was no problem too big or too small that I
Speaker 1: wouldn't jump into and have ideas and thoughts and connect
Speaker 1: them with someone and give them a book and underline
Speaker 1: things and yes, right, yes, oh my god, everyone like,
Speaker 1: oh my heart is open for you fully right here,
Speaker 1: your your your your eyes look sad. Why tell me why,
Speaker 1: what's going on with you? Let me hear your heart?
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh. And then I have to listen. And
Speaker 1: then I was like, wow, you are so kind. It's
Speaker 1: such a great listener and you have such a great heart,
Speaker 1: like they Q, thank you, thank you. You're like, that's
Speaker 1: what I was going for. That's what I was hoping
Speaker 1: you would say and you would experience. But again, all
Speaker 1: of this need for I used to say as I
Speaker 1: was recovering from code, you know how functioning codependency, like
Speaker 1: how much love and adoration could one mother effort need?
Speaker 1: Meaning me a lot, me too, a lot, all of it,
Speaker 1: the whole world. Well, that that's the whole thing. And
Speaker 1: how exhausting it is when you need it from the
Speaker 1: whole world. Oh my god, right, yeah, exhausting. Yeah, and avoidable,
Speaker 1: avoidable because I teach this, you can learn this. You
Speaker 1: are learning this right now. I have learned this in
Speaker 1: my life, and I've taught millions of people probably at
Speaker 1: this point, as you said, to make this shift so
Speaker 1: that life can be more satisfying. Deeper because you limit
Speaker 1: the level of intimacy that you're going to experience in
Speaker 1: your relationships when you see people as projects instead of
Speaker 1: as human beings, like I'm going to manage this person's feelings.
Speaker 1: I'm going to manage their situation. Do you like it
Speaker 1: when people manage you? Oh? Look that I hate it
Speaker 1: and I wouldn't tolerate it. Like no way, I'm like
Speaker 1: shut up, I got it, Like stop, I don't need
Speaker 1: your advice, you know,