WEBVTT - HOW-TO MINISODE WITH TERRI COLE: How to assert and uphold boundaries!

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<v Speaker 1>Terry Cole, who is the boundary Boss, literally has changed

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<v Speaker 1>my life and I'm sure millions of other people's lives

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<v Speaker 1>by this awareness of boundaries and real digestible, like understandable,

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<v Speaker 1>relatable terms. So it actually clicks. I told you earlier,

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<v Speaker 1>I feel like the man of the Iron masks, like

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<v Speaker 1>when I heard this conversation you have with Happy Heller

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<v Speaker 1>about boundaries, and like I felt like someone turned the

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<v Speaker 1>key and removed the mask from my brain. And now

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<v Speaker 1>I have like so much open space in my brain

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<v Speaker 1>because I've been high functioning co dependent. So you're gonna

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<v Speaker 1>walk us through a quick little how to, So go

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<v Speaker 1>ahead and just tell us talk about boundaries. House a

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<v Speaker 1>few little steps to get you go on on boundaries.

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<v Speaker 1>All right, Well, let's start with understanding where you need boundaries.

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<v Speaker 1>And this is something that really trips people up in

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<v Speaker 1>the beginning, where they're like, I don't even know, Like

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<v Speaker 1>I don't I literally don't know. So we're gonna do

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<v Speaker 1>a quick resentment inventory mm, because where you're feeling resentment

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<v Speaker 1>in your relationships is probably where a need is going

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<v Speaker 1>on met. So either a boundary is being crossed and

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<v Speaker 1>or a boundary is needed. Maybe you have a boundary

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<v Speaker 1>in your mind, you'd like to set a limit, but

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<v Speaker 1>you haven't actually done it. But then when that person

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<v Speaker 1>who doesn't know what you're thinking steps over that line,

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<v Speaker 1>you're like pisted and you keep accumulating that resentment. Right,

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<v Speaker 1>we just have a file cabinet because we are expecting

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<v Speaker 1>everyone to be these mind readers, like putting more more

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<v Speaker 1>resentment in the file cabinet. Yes, because it's like, don't

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<v Speaker 1>you know my boundaries? Can't you feel it? Like, because

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<v Speaker 1>I can feel it, you should feel it. But no,

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<v Speaker 1>how could anyone know what our boundaries are if we

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<v Speaker 1>don't let them know and and and hold them? Is correct?

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<v Speaker 1>And yet yeah, go ahead, sorry, yes, but it's our

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<v Speaker 1>it's our responsibility that that's the whole thing where when

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<v Speaker 1>you're acting as a high function or a regular functioning codependent,

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<v Speaker 1>we're putting all of this emphasis. We've been trained to

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<v Speaker 1>put all this emphasis on other people in other people's behavior.

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<v Speaker 1>So we're like, well, if Betty just hadn't asked me

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<v Speaker 1>to help her move, I wouldn't have to be put

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<v Speaker 1>in this position to have to say no. And the right,

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<v Speaker 1>So we get so piste off about that. When the

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<v Speaker 1>empowering piece is that we're going to flip that. And

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<v Speaker 1>when you realize that, you can simply and lovingly and

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<v Speaker 1>with kindness assert your preference. My preference is to not

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<v Speaker 1>help you move. That is my preference, and I'm not

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<v Speaker 1>going to so I'm unavailable to do that, and we

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<v Speaker 1>can do it in a loving way other people's expectation.

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<v Speaker 1>And this is don't worry you, guys. I am going

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<v Speaker 1>to get back to your resentment inventory, but I want

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<v Speaker 1>to tie this into the people pleasing part of being

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<v Speaker 1>a codependent, where even when you are a master of

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<v Speaker 1>the universe right, you are crushing it in life, making money,

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<v Speaker 1>doing all the work, being willing to work harder and

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<v Speaker 1>longer and more than all the other people. You're like,

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<v Speaker 1>I just will keep going until I get that thing done.

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<v Speaker 1>You are still being put in this position to people please.

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<v Speaker 1>You are still focused, unduly focused on the feeling states

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<v Speaker 1>of other people. You're talking to someone. As you had

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<v Speaker 1>said before, Carlin, you're like, you can read a room

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<v Speaker 1>in this expert way. So when I was in my twenties,

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<v Speaker 1>if I was talking to someone and I was going

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<v Speaker 1>a certain way, and I could see the micro expression

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<v Speaker 1>on their face, change. I could easily just bob and

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<v Speaker 1>weave to like a different way of So what I

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<v Speaker 1>was actually saying, like, yeah, just all all the skills,

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<v Speaker 1>Like what a waste? You know what I mean. So

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<v Speaker 1>you're gonna back to your resentment inventory. You're going to

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<v Speaker 1>write down who in the players we know, you know,

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<v Speaker 1>every single person listening to this right now. If I'm

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<v Speaker 1>like I think of the first person who comes to

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<v Speaker 1>mind that you might be holding some resentment for, they

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<v Speaker 1>come to your mind, you know who it is. So

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<v Speaker 1>you're going to write down the situation and start to

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<v Speaker 1>understand what needs to happen here. What's missing from this equation?

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<v Speaker 1>I'm pissed that my partner leaves the wet towels on

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<v Speaker 1>our wood floor. I mean, I just want to go,

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<v Speaker 1>what the hell's wrong with him or them? What? What's

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<v Speaker 1>the deal? Blah blah blah. Every time you see it,

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<v Speaker 1>you pick it up, you put it on the back

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<v Speaker 1>the fucking hook that's right on the back of the

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<v Speaker 1>bathroom door. But you you've now it's like we're tracking

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<v Speaker 1>that resentment. The question is have you asked your partner

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<v Speaker 1>to hang the f and thing up? Listen, we can

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<v Speaker 1>judge the graph out of the partner. We could be like,

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<v Speaker 1>what the hell's wrong with you? Obviously everybody knows that

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<v Speaker 1>a wet towel is gonna leave a day on the

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<v Speaker 1>wood floor. But that is not problem solving. That's just judgment, right,

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<v Speaker 1>that's just making the other person wrong in this situation.

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<v Speaker 1>Perhaps my client says to me, I haven't said anything

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<v Speaker 1>to him because he should know. All right, man, well

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<v Speaker 1>that's not getting you what you want, which is for

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<v Speaker 1>him to hang the avant towel up on the back

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<v Speaker 1>of the bathroom door. Right, So now we need to

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<v Speaker 1>go what what is the action that's needed that client

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<v Speaker 1>needs to have a conversation. Oh, hey, babe, I'd like

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<v Speaker 1>to make a simple request that you hang up the

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<v Speaker 1>wet tails and don't leave him on the floor. Well,

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<v Speaker 1>I was leaving them on the floor because that's where

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<v Speaker 1>we're putting the dirty laundry. No, no, dirty laundry goes

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<v Speaker 1>in the laundry room, right, or if it's not dirty,

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<v Speaker 1>hang it back up please, right, So so you you

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<v Speaker 1>get the requestion, So that now and then you want

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<v Speaker 1>to get an agreement. So, so can we agree that

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<v Speaker 1>you will do that? Partner says, yes, we'll do that.

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<v Speaker 1>That's an action that you can take. Now. My client

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<v Speaker 1>in that scenario was basically saying I shouldn't have to

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<v Speaker 1>say anything about it, and I'm like, hey, this is

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<v Speaker 1>a self sabotage and way of not making yourself vulnerable.

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<v Speaker 1>You're blaming your partner saying that somehow they were raised

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<v Speaker 1>badly because they're dropping their wet towel on the wood floor.

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<v Speaker 1>You don't want to be put in a position to

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<v Speaker 1>be vulnerable, so you're letting yourself off the hook to

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<v Speaker 1>have a hard conversation, even though I picked a really

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<v Speaker 1>simple example, right, because that's not even such a hard conversation.

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<v Speaker 1>But I don't want the I didn't want the example

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<v Speaker 1>to be so complex that it would be hard to

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<v Speaker 1>illustrate what I'm saying, right, which is there are things

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<v Speaker 1>that we can do, and here's the rubs sort of

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<v Speaker 1>you are of every relation hip and every interaction that

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<v Speaker 1>you're So what we're really looking at when we do

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<v Speaker 1>representment inventory is what is my fifty of what is happening. Oh,

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<v Speaker 1>for my client in that scenario, her was not saying anything,

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<v Speaker 1>So you're keeping the situation going and it's not about blame.

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<v Speaker 1>It's about understanding the dynamics of relationships. Sometimes our is

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<v Speaker 1>just staying in a shitty relationship or unsatisfying friendship because

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<v Speaker 1>the other person thinks we're their best friend even though

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<v Speaker 1>inside were like, dude, if I had a housewarming party,

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<v Speaker 1>you wouldn't even be invited, So I have no idea

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<v Speaker 1>why you think I'm your best friend. But part of

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<v Speaker 1>it is when you're high functioning codependent, you can be

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<v Speaker 1>so influenced by the way other people feel about you.

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<v Speaker 1>The image of you, right that is huge, And even

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<v Speaker 1>if you don't like them, if they have this great

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<v Speaker 1>image of you, you've got to keep it up for

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<v Speaker 1>him because you want them to like you. So you've

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<v Speaker 1>got to keep doing the thing but get that good

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<v Speaker 1>image going. And then you're like, I don't even get

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<v Speaker 1>want to be with you. What am I doing? That's

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<v Speaker 1>so funny. I always say this about high functioning codependency

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<v Speaker 1>and being people pleased. There could be someone who you

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<v Speaker 1>you literally have a dislike for, and if you hear

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<v Speaker 1>from someone that that person, if you hear from someone

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<v Speaker 1>that that person doesn't like you, you're like, wait a minute,

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<v Speaker 1>what everyone likes me. I didn't do anything. What is

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<v Speaker 1>there not to like about me like and instead of

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<v Speaker 1>instead of asking why, meaning why doesn't Betty like me?

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<v Speaker 1>The question is what the hell do I care? So

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<v Speaker 1>why do we care? Because part of it with people pleasing,

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<v Speaker 1>we're getting all of this validation from the outside. So

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<v Speaker 1>if someone doesn't like us, it's messing with our the

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<v Speaker 1>way we see ourselves, even if we don't like that person.

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<v Speaker 1>So this is it's a lack of discernment where we

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<v Speaker 1>need to discern who should be in the v I

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<v Speaker 1>P section of our life right Not every person who

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<v Speaker 1>thinks they should be there should be there. According to me,

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<v Speaker 1>people need to show us that they are emotionally trustworthy.

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<v Speaker 1>We want people who we value and who value us,

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<v Speaker 1>and we fill up their bucket and they fill up

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<v Speaker 1>our bucket. But instead, when you're a high functioning codependent,

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<v Speaker 1>I mean I was. I had no discernment in my twenties,

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<v Speaker 1>like I could get codependently attached to like my hair colors,

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<v Speaker 1>my mailman, like anybody if they had a problem. There

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<v Speaker 1>was no problem too big or too small that I

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<v Speaker 1>wouldn't jump into and have ideas and thoughts and connect

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<v Speaker 1>them with someone and give them a book and underline

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<v Speaker 1>things and yes, right, yes, oh my god, everyone like,

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<v Speaker 1>oh my heart is open for you fully right here,

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<v Speaker 1>your your your your eyes look sad. Why tell me why,

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<v Speaker 1>what's going on with you? Let me hear your heart?

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<v Speaker 1>Oh my gosh. And then I have to listen. And

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<v Speaker 1>then I was like, wow, you are so kind. It's

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<v Speaker 1>such a great listener and you have such a great heart,

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<v Speaker 1>like they Q, thank you, thank you. You're like, that's

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<v Speaker 1>what I was going for. That's what I was hoping

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<v Speaker 1>you would say and you would experience. But again, all

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<v Speaker 1>of this need for I used to say as I

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<v Speaker 1>was recovering from code, you know how functioning codependency, like

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<v Speaker 1>how much love and adoration could one mother effort need?

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<v Speaker 1>Meaning me a lot, me too, a lot, all of it,

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<v Speaker 1>the whole world. Well, that that's the whole thing. And

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<v Speaker 1>how exhausting it is when you need it from the

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<v Speaker 1>whole world. Oh my god, right, yeah, exhausting. Yeah, and avoidable,

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<v Speaker 1>avoidable because I teach this, you can learn this. You

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<v Speaker 1>are learning this right now. I have learned this in

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<v Speaker 1>my life, and I've taught millions of people probably at

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<v Speaker 1>this point, as you said, to make this shift so

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<v Speaker 1>that life can be more satisfying. Deeper because you limit

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<v Speaker 1>the level of intimacy that you're going to experience in

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<v Speaker 1>your relationships when you see people as projects instead of

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<v Speaker 1>as human beings, like I'm going to manage this person's feelings.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm going to manage their situation. Do you like it

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<v Speaker 1>when people manage you? Oh? Look that I hate it

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<v Speaker 1>and I wouldn't tolerate it. Like no way, I'm like

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<v Speaker 1>shut up, I got it, Like stop, I don't need

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<v Speaker 1>your advice, you know,