1 00:00:01,040 --> 00:00:06,360 Speaker 1: Conversations on life, style, beauty, and relationships. It's The Velvet's 2 00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:08,200 Speaker 1: Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson. 3 00:00:11,440 --> 00:00:14,960 Speaker 2: Hope Woodard is a comedian, storyteller, and creator who turns 4 00:00:15,120 --> 00:00:18,919 Speaker 2: life's chaos into connection. She's also now the host of 5 00:00:18,920 --> 00:00:23,160 Speaker 2: the iHeartMedia podcast. Boy Sober a personal concept that sparked 6 00:00:23,160 --> 00:00:28,319 Speaker 2: a global movement among women looking to prioritize themselves over men. 7 00:00:28,880 --> 00:00:31,200 Speaker 3: I hope, thank you so much for being here. 8 00:00:31,600 --> 00:00:33,400 Speaker 4: Oh man, I'm excited to chat. 9 00:00:34,080 --> 00:00:36,360 Speaker 2: Okay, well, we obviously have to start with what is 10 00:00:36,400 --> 00:00:37,760 Speaker 2: boy sober? What does that mean? 11 00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:41,040 Speaker 5: You know? I like to keep like the definition kind 12 00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:43,760 Speaker 5: of vague because I like to tell people to like 13 00:00:43,880 --> 00:00:47,800 Speaker 5: make it personal, you know. In the beginning, like it's 14 00:00:47,800 --> 00:00:53,479 Speaker 5: definitely about decentering men, decentering romance and like kind of 15 00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:58,960 Speaker 5: taking a step back from male validation, romantic validation and 16 00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:03,000 Speaker 5: asking yourself, like, Okay, what do I want now that 17 00:01:03,040 --> 00:01:06,600 Speaker 5: I'm like not acting in a way to be chosen 18 00:01:06,920 --> 00:01:11,480 Speaker 5: by a man or to like get that approval, get 19 00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:14,320 Speaker 5: that romantic approval. So it's really kind of about like 20 00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:17,400 Speaker 5: putting yourself at the center of your life and then 21 00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:21,800 Speaker 5: sort of like doing some self interrogation, asking yourself, Like 22 00:01:22,160 --> 00:01:25,120 Speaker 5: what do I want? What kind of sex do I 23 00:01:25,120 --> 00:01:27,640 Speaker 5: want to be having, What kind of romance do I 24 00:01:27,680 --> 00:01:30,840 Speaker 5: want to have? What does my life look like when 25 00:01:30,880 --> 00:01:34,920 Speaker 5: I'm happy and alone? And also kind of like taking 26 00:01:34,959 --> 00:01:40,840 Speaker 5: responsibility for yourself, especially in romantic situations. I feel like 27 00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:44,000 Speaker 5: it's so easy these days to like blame all men, 28 00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:47,720 Speaker 5: hate all men, and like I totally have been there, 29 00:01:47,840 --> 00:01:52,280 Speaker 5: and like they make it easy sometimes, you know, literally, 30 00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:55,080 Speaker 5: like they make it so easy sometimes, but it's like 31 00:01:55,120 --> 00:01:58,400 Speaker 5: so much more empowering to be like, Okay, yes, maybe 32 00:01:58,440 --> 00:02:02,400 Speaker 5: it's the guy's fault, but maybe also like I can 33 00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:05,720 Speaker 5: be in control of like my own steps, my own wants, 34 00:02:05,760 --> 00:02:08,280 Speaker 5: and like how I interact with men and the power 35 00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:10,560 Speaker 5: that I give them, and how can I sort of 36 00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:13,919 Speaker 5: like take ownership of that and take control of that, 37 00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:17,480 Speaker 5: and how can I like take steps to get what 38 00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:21,400 Speaker 5: I want, not just be what I think somebody wants 39 00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:21,800 Speaker 5: me to be. 40 00:02:22,320 --> 00:02:24,160 Speaker 3: You know, I love this concept. 41 00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:26,560 Speaker 2: We talk about a lot of things in relation to 42 00:02:26,639 --> 00:02:30,320 Speaker 2: that on this podcast. I've had similar maybe similar experiences. 43 00:02:30,320 --> 00:02:32,480 Speaker 2: I'm gonna ask you a little bit about yours. We 44 00:02:32,560 --> 00:02:35,880 Speaker 2: always talk about kind of what you're talking about about 45 00:02:35,880 --> 00:02:40,399 Speaker 2: decentralizing the relationship, like it's a relationship, not the universe, right, 46 00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:43,919 Speaker 2: Like instead of revolving around the relationship in your life, 47 00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:47,440 Speaker 2: building your own life as well, and then you bring 48 00:02:47,480 --> 00:02:50,200 Speaker 2: a relationship in as a piece of that life. Great, 49 00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:52,840 Speaker 2: but it doesn't really be the entire universe. 50 00:02:53,320 --> 00:02:55,480 Speaker 5: I know you're in Nashville, and I was wondering if 51 00:02:55,480 --> 00:02:56,840 Speaker 5: you like grew up in the South. 52 00:02:57,240 --> 00:02:59,520 Speaker 3: Oh yeah, I'm from Louisiana, so the Deep South. 53 00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:02,640 Speaker 5: Yeah, And I do, like, I do think this is 54 00:03:02,720 --> 00:03:05,080 Speaker 5: like can be an international thing, it can be a 55 00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:09,040 Speaker 5: thing anywhere, but I do think like specifically in the South, 56 00:03:09,160 --> 00:03:13,520 Speaker 5: especially where like religion Christianity is like such a such 57 00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:15,200 Speaker 5: a deep part of our culture. 58 00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:18,120 Speaker 4: Like the idea of sort of getting. 59 00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:23,200 Speaker 5: Your life to revolve around demand is like so natural. 60 00:03:23,880 --> 00:03:25,600 Speaker 4: It's like it's encouraged. 61 00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:28,880 Speaker 5: It's like, you know, like since I was in kindergarten, 62 00:03:28,919 --> 00:03:30,800 Speaker 5: my mom was like, Okay, who's your boyfriend? 63 00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:34,560 Speaker 4: Do you know what I mean? Instead of like, Hey, what. 64 00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:37,400 Speaker 5: Do you like in class, She's like, who do you 65 00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:38,480 Speaker 5: like in class? 66 00:03:38,880 --> 00:03:40,160 Speaker 4: And who likes you back? 67 00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:42,680 Speaker 5: You know? So I just feel like in the South, 68 00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:47,960 Speaker 5: like everything for a girl is all about like who 69 00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:50,880 Speaker 5: is interested in you? And in what man are you 70 00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:54,240 Speaker 5: getting to fall in love with you? Rather than like, 71 00:03:54,720 --> 00:03:56,360 Speaker 5: what are you interested in? 72 00:03:57,280 --> 00:04:00,360 Speaker 2: You know, totally, it's like our part of our dentity 73 00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:03,080 Speaker 2: is built into who we're dating, who we like, who 74 00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:06,560 Speaker 2: likes us, instead of the things that actually make us 75 00:04:06,640 --> 00:04:07,440 Speaker 2: up as a person. 76 00:04:07,520 --> 00:04:07,720 Speaker 3: Right. 77 00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:10,960 Speaker 2: Of course, we talked about this a little bit before 78 00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:14,560 Speaker 2: the podcast, but you basically posted a TikTok about this 79 00:04:14,760 --> 00:04:18,080 Speaker 2: topic of being voice sober that went viral, and I 80 00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:22,120 Speaker 2: would I was wondering what made you even post that TikTok? Like, 81 00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:24,120 Speaker 2: how did you get where you got with this concept 82 00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:27,480 Speaker 2: of voice sober? Was it a situationship? A bad relationship? 83 00:04:27,880 --> 00:04:28,839 Speaker 3: How did this start? 84 00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:34,839 Speaker 5: Essentially, I was technically single, okay, okay, but I had 85 00:04:34,880 --> 00:04:37,640 Speaker 5: this ex boyfriend who was always in and out of 86 00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:41,400 Speaker 5: my life, and I would essentially get into a situationship 87 00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:43,080 Speaker 5: with a guy from Hinge and then I would be 88 00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:45,320 Speaker 5: like bored of that, and then I would call my 89 00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:47,839 Speaker 5: ex back and he would come over and I would 90 00:04:47,839 --> 00:04:49,839 Speaker 5: get bored of him again, and then I would go 91 00:04:49,880 --> 00:04:51,839 Speaker 5: to somebody else and then go back to my ex. 92 00:04:52,080 --> 00:04:53,599 Speaker 4: And I was doing all this back and forth. 93 00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:56,920 Speaker 5: I was posting my life on the internet, right like 94 00:04:57,560 --> 00:05:00,200 Speaker 5: my love life, my crushes, my dates, Like I was 95 00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:03,120 Speaker 5: just telling everything and the X and he was like 96 00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:05,240 Speaker 5: my best ex. Like when I tell people I had 97 00:05:05,279 --> 00:05:08,560 Speaker 5: to go boysover, they always assumed that like a man 98 00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:11,480 Speaker 5: really did me wrong, and like I had, I've had 99 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:15,960 Speaker 5: men do me wrong, but I was doing this man wrong. 100 00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:17,920 Speaker 4: Even though we weren't together. 101 00:05:18,279 --> 00:05:21,080 Speaker 5: Like I knew he loved me, and I knew he 102 00:05:21,120 --> 00:05:23,719 Speaker 5: would always be there for me, and I was always 103 00:05:23,720 --> 00:05:26,120 Speaker 5: hoping that maybe one day I would finally fall in 104 00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:26,880 Speaker 5: love with him. 105 00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:27,520 Speaker 4: Too, you know. 106 00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:30,880 Speaker 5: And I did love him in a way, but I 107 00:05:30,920 --> 00:05:34,400 Speaker 5: was never like fully in love with him. So in 108 00:05:34,480 --> 00:05:37,600 Speaker 5: the summer of like twenty twenty three, essentially we're like 109 00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:40,360 Speaker 5: in the throes of this pattern, right. I had fallen 110 00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:43,400 Speaker 5: in love with this guy from London and just like 111 00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:47,599 Speaker 5: the British accent like made me crazy and I was 112 00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:50,640 Speaker 5: just like doing anything I could do to get him 113 00:05:50,640 --> 00:05:53,440 Speaker 5: to like me, and he just like wanted nothing to 114 00:05:53,480 --> 00:05:56,680 Speaker 5: do with me, and finally he just ghosted me. And 115 00:05:56,760 --> 00:05:59,560 Speaker 5: after he ghosted me, I went back to this ex 116 00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:03,159 Speaker 5: and we spent like three straight days together, you know, 117 00:06:03,760 --> 00:06:05,960 Speaker 5: and then again I was like, oh, sick of you, 118 00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:09,440 Speaker 5: get out of my house, you know, and I posted 119 00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:11,440 Speaker 5: a TikTok about it, being like my ex just came 120 00:06:11,480 --> 00:06:16,600 Speaker 5: over for three days. My ex's boss found this TikTok 121 00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:19,880 Speaker 5: and sent it to him and said, are you okay? 122 00:06:20,920 --> 00:06:24,640 Speaker 5: And now my ex had me blocked on Instagram and 123 00:06:24,680 --> 00:06:30,599 Speaker 5: TikTok and everything. So anyways, he unblocks me on everything, right, 124 00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:35,039 Speaker 5: and he goes through my tiktoks and he sees that 125 00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:38,719 Speaker 5: in between our times together, he sees who I've been with, 126 00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:41,000 Speaker 5: he sees who I've been in love with. He hears 127 00:06:41,040 --> 00:06:43,159 Speaker 5: about the dates I've been on, and I'm just like, 128 00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:44,360 Speaker 5: oh my god. 129 00:06:45,320 --> 00:06:46,599 Speaker 4: I never meant to hurt. 130 00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:49,680 Speaker 5: Him like that, you know what I mean, Like I knew, 131 00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:52,320 Speaker 5: I knew I was sort of like taking advantage of 132 00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:55,520 Speaker 5: his love for me, but like I never wanted him 133 00:06:55,520 --> 00:06:58,760 Speaker 5: to know. I never wanted that to like, I never 134 00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:02,320 Speaker 5: wanted to really break his heart. And around the same time, 135 00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:04,880 Speaker 5: I had to like drive from New York to Tennessee 136 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:07,800 Speaker 5: to take care of my grandmother who like has really 137 00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:13,120 Speaker 5: bad dementia. And on the drive, he calls me and 138 00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:15,239 Speaker 5: he's like I thought he was going to be pissed, 139 00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:17,480 Speaker 5: you know, Like I thought he was finally going to 140 00:07:17,560 --> 00:07:20,800 Speaker 5: be like, you're a bitch, You've done me wrong, you 141 00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:23,800 Speaker 5: don't deserve me, Like I thought he was finally going 142 00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:26,920 Speaker 5: to kind of like leave me, you know, but then 143 00:07:27,320 --> 00:07:30,560 Speaker 5: he like gave me another chance, and he was like, 144 00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:34,760 Speaker 5: can't we just be together? And I was a little 145 00:07:34,760 --> 00:07:37,120 Speaker 5: bit upset with him about that because it was almost 146 00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:39,840 Speaker 5: this thing of like so many men are like unable 147 00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:43,280 Speaker 5: to see women for who they really are. Sometimes they 148 00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:45,760 Speaker 5: really only want to see women for like who they 149 00:07:45,760 --> 00:07:47,600 Speaker 5: think they are or who they think they can be. 150 00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:50,640 Speaker 5: And that might not even be a man or woman thing. 151 00:07:50,680 --> 00:07:52,480 Speaker 5: That just might be a if you're in love with 152 00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:55,560 Speaker 5: somebody thing, you see them as who you think they 153 00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:59,440 Speaker 5: can be, not as who they are being. And so 154 00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:03,040 Speaker 5: in that moment, I was like, how can he give 155 00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:06,680 Speaker 5: me another chance? How can I hurt someone I do 156 00:08:06,840 --> 00:08:10,960 Speaker 5: truthfully love like this, Like something's got to change. So 157 00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:13,520 Speaker 5: I tell him, like, I'm gonna think about it, right, 158 00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:15,800 Speaker 5: and I go home to take care of my grandmother, 159 00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:17,280 Speaker 5: and I tell him, I'm like, I've got to take 160 00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:19,640 Speaker 5: care of my grandma for a week, like let's talk 161 00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:20,280 Speaker 5: in a week and. 162 00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:21,320 Speaker 4: See how we both feel. 163 00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:24,360 Speaker 5: And while I'm taking care of her like in her 164 00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:27,760 Speaker 5: old age, her brain like you know, your brain like 165 00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:31,920 Speaker 5: crystallizes in old age, so like your brain really like 166 00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:35,200 Speaker 5: solidifies a couple of things, Like in dementia, you don't 167 00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:37,600 Speaker 5: really know where you are, but your brain is like 168 00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:40,560 Speaker 5: attached to a couple of things. The things that she's 169 00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:43,600 Speaker 5: attached to is that like, my grandfather is still around, 170 00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:49,560 Speaker 5: and no matter what, every day, on the hour, she's like, 171 00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:51,200 Speaker 5: when is Leroy coming home? 172 00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:53,760 Speaker 4: Where is he? Can we go to his work? Da 173 00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:54,560 Speaker 4: da da da da. 174 00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:57,640 Speaker 5: And she it's so tough and in a way it's 175 00:08:57,640 --> 00:09:01,040 Speaker 5: like very lovely because she's like got this deep love 176 00:09:01,080 --> 00:09:03,440 Speaker 5: for him and he was like the only person to 177 00:09:03,559 --> 00:09:07,720 Speaker 5: ever make her feel like seen and wanted and at ease. 178 00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:11,200 Speaker 5: But at the same time, like she will not accept 179 00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:14,319 Speaker 5: help from me and my mom, and she won't really 180 00:09:14,360 --> 00:09:17,960 Speaker 5: accept help from like any woman, Like she has verbatim 181 00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:21,640 Speaker 5: been like I don't need anyone to help me except 182 00:09:21,679 --> 00:09:22,440 Speaker 5: for a man. 183 00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:25,079 Speaker 4: And me and my mom. 184 00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:27,040 Speaker 6: Were just kind of like, well we're here, you know 185 00:09:27,080 --> 00:09:30,520 Speaker 6: what you're out of look yeah, like and it's like 186 00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:33,000 Speaker 6: my dad and mom divorced when I was younger, so 187 00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:35,560 Speaker 6: it's like we were very much like a woman helping 188 00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:39,040 Speaker 6: women household sure, And there was one moment where like 189 00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:41,480 Speaker 6: I was sitting and I was taking care of her, 190 00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:44,720 Speaker 6: and she was texting on her phone and I said, 191 00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:45,920 Speaker 6: who are you texting? 192 00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:49,080 Speaker 5: And she was texting my papa. She's like, I'm texting 193 00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:53,320 Speaker 5: your papa and he had passed away obviously, so she's 194 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:55,880 Speaker 5: like sort of just texting the ghost of someone. 195 00:09:56,400 --> 00:09:57,760 Speaker 4: And I'm like thinking. 196 00:09:57,480 --> 00:10:02,080 Speaker 5: About how obsessed I become with people who ghost me, 197 00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:03,040 Speaker 5: and like. 198 00:10:03,080 --> 00:10:05,080 Speaker 4: How I ghost people who love me. 199 00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:07,600 Speaker 5: And I was just kind of like, oh my god, 200 00:10:07,679 --> 00:10:10,719 Speaker 5: Like if I don't get my shit together like immediately, 201 00:10:10,840 --> 00:10:16,640 Speaker 5: like I'm gonna be eighty five years old still obsessing 202 00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:21,200 Speaker 5: over like some kind of love that is toxic or 203 00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:23,880 Speaker 5: absent or I won't be able to like accept the 204 00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:26,600 Speaker 5: love that is in front of me. And I was 205 00:10:26,679 --> 00:10:29,880 Speaker 5: just like, okay, I have to do like a full stop. 206 00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:33,600 Speaker 5: I have to focus on myself. And I sort of 207 00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:36,240 Speaker 5: realized I was asking myself, like how am I able 208 00:10:36,280 --> 00:10:40,480 Speaker 5: to hurt someone that I supposedly love? And I like 209 00:10:40,559 --> 00:10:44,440 Speaker 5: went back into like my earlier experiences with like love 210 00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:47,720 Speaker 5: and romance, and like I was really young when I 211 00:10:47,760 --> 00:10:51,520 Speaker 5: had my first sexual experience and I was like really 212 00:10:51,559 --> 00:10:54,320 Speaker 5: heavily in the church, and like my parents were going 213 00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:57,560 Speaker 5: through this divorce and I like wasn't telling anyone and 214 00:10:57,640 --> 00:11:00,480 Speaker 5: like we were like learning about it all and you group, 215 00:11:00,559 --> 00:11:02,560 Speaker 5: but it was like through a lot of shame and 216 00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:04,600 Speaker 5: I didn't have anyone to tell and I was like 217 00:11:05,400 --> 00:11:07,880 Speaker 5: having sex and scared I was going to hell and 218 00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:12,760 Speaker 5: like just sort of you know, my relationship with intimacy 219 00:11:13,400 --> 00:11:15,840 Speaker 5: was like tied to secrecy. 220 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:18,720 Speaker 2: Oh deeply, yeah. 221 00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:21,920 Speaker 5: And I didn't really realize like until I was right 222 00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:25,640 Speaker 5: like twenty seven, twenty eight years old, where I was like, okay, 223 00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:29,000 Speaker 5: like to be in love with someone or to maybe 224 00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:33,000 Speaker 5: even have like an intimate relationship with someone, like secrecy 225 00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:36,079 Speaker 5: and shame has to be a part of it. And 226 00:11:36,160 --> 00:11:41,000 Speaker 5: I was just like I really need to unpack all 227 00:11:41,040 --> 00:11:45,000 Speaker 5: of that. So and I sort of took October like 228 00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:47,600 Speaker 5: all this happened from like summer to October, and then 229 00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:50,800 Speaker 5: October I was like I had done like moments of 230 00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:53,719 Speaker 5: sobriety before giving up drinking, and I was like, I'm 231 00:11:53,720 --> 00:11:57,080 Speaker 5: gonna do sober October, but I'm going to give up men. 232 00:11:57,880 --> 00:12:00,960 Speaker 5: And my sister, my oldest sister, was like easier going 233 00:12:01,040 --> 00:12:04,840 Speaker 5: voice sober and just immediately like it gave sort of 234 00:12:04,880 --> 00:12:10,040 Speaker 5: this entire idea of like untangling my relationship to intimacy 235 00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:14,959 Speaker 5: and like male attention and like like male security because 236 00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:17,240 Speaker 5: I think also what men do for us is like 237 00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:21,000 Speaker 5: give us a really deep sense of security, even though 238 00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:25,600 Speaker 5: it's like they're so often unreliable or the ones who 239 00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:30,640 Speaker 5: are reliable like often of course, right of course, and 240 00:12:30,679 --> 00:12:33,960 Speaker 5: like even if you have them until you know, you 241 00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:35,480 Speaker 5: get married to them and you want to spend the 242 00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:38,000 Speaker 5: rest of your life with them, like they. 243 00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:39,680 Speaker 4: Might die before you, you. 244 00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:42,720 Speaker 5: Know, just like devastating but honest truth, and like at 245 00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:46,400 Speaker 5: some point you're gonna have to be alone and have 246 00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:49,960 Speaker 5: that sense of security alone. And so that's how the 247 00:12:50,040 --> 00:12:52,880 Speaker 5: term came up. Is I just like really needed to 248 00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:55,360 Speaker 5: unpack all of that. At the end of the day, 249 00:12:55,360 --> 00:12:57,840 Speaker 5: I'm like, I want to be in a healthy relationship 250 00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:00,360 Speaker 5: and I would love to be able. 251 00:13:00,240 --> 00:13:02,760 Speaker 4: To have a husband one day and a family and 252 00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:05,520 Speaker 4: like have that real true love. 253 00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:09,640 Speaker 5: But like I knew I needed to take time alone 254 00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:11,160 Speaker 5: to like actually get there. 255 00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:14,400 Speaker 2: It's reminded me of that quote you can only meet 256 00:13:14,440 --> 00:13:16,960 Speaker 2: people to the depths of where you've met yourself. 257 00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:19,720 Speaker 4: Okay, I've never heard that. I've never heard that, but 258 00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:20,520 Speaker 4: I love it. 259 00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:23,520 Speaker 2: Yeah, it's so what I hear in what you're describing 260 00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:25,760 Speaker 2: of you weren't going to be able to pick a 261 00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:28,320 Speaker 2: partner that would really suit you or your life or 262 00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:30,480 Speaker 2: really show up for that relationship until you took this 263 00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:35,120 Speaker 2: time to yourself without the dating, without boys being around. 264 00:13:35,480 --> 00:13:38,679 Speaker 2: I'm curious you said you did it for maybe October. 265 00:13:38,720 --> 00:13:40,640 Speaker 2: How long did it end up lasting? And then what 266 00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:44,080 Speaker 2: do you believe changed in your life by taking dating 267 00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:45,000 Speaker 2: off the table? 268 00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:51,280 Speaker 5: You know, it's a really interesting thing because my experience 269 00:13:51,360 --> 00:13:57,840 Speaker 5: with this was so tied to like exposure and public opinion. Yeah, 270 00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:01,480 Speaker 5: and I've just read the book The Dry Season by 271 00:14:01,559 --> 00:14:06,160 Speaker 5: Melissa Febos. She's an author, so her like expression is 272 00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:09,520 Speaker 5: so much has a lot more privacy to it, And 273 00:14:09,559 --> 00:14:12,720 Speaker 5: she essentially did the exact same thing right where she 274 00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:16,400 Speaker 5: took a year away from like romance and sex. And 275 00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:18,320 Speaker 5: in the beginning of her book, she was having a 276 00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:21,720 Speaker 5: conversation with someone and that person was like, be careful 277 00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:26,520 Speaker 5: who you tell, because everyone essentially has an opinion on celibacy, 278 00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:32,760 Speaker 5: you know, And so in the beginning like October, November, December, 279 00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:36,040 Speaker 5: like it was very like it was intimate, and yes 280 00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:38,600 Speaker 5: it was public, but it was like me and my 281 00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:42,520 Speaker 5: little corner of the internet, you know, and like my audience. 282 00:14:42,600 --> 00:14:45,280 Speaker 5: Like every time I have someone come up to me somewhere, 283 00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:47,800 Speaker 5: they're like, oh, I know you from the internet. They're 284 00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:50,600 Speaker 5: like the coolest girls, Like they look like somebody I 285 00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:51,800 Speaker 5: would like be friends with. 286 00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:54,360 Speaker 4: They're like smart and funny and cool girls, you know. 287 00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:55,320 Speaker 3: Yeah. 288 00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:59,120 Speaker 5: But then in like January, when the year really kicked off, 289 00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:02,520 Speaker 5: a New York Times headline came out about it, and 290 00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:06,320 Speaker 5: the headline was like really intense. It was like Hope 291 00:15:06,320 --> 00:15:09,680 Speaker 5: Ward's year long quest to not have sex or something. 292 00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:13,280 Speaker 5: And I was just like, that is like so intense, 293 00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:15,960 Speaker 5: and it was like it was all about celibacy. And 294 00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:18,960 Speaker 5: I was sort of like thinking about all the girls, 295 00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:21,880 Speaker 5: like truthfully in Tennessee who like still can't have sex 296 00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:25,560 Speaker 5: outside of marriage and like feel empowered yeah by it, 297 00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:28,640 Speaker 5: And I was like I never ever wanted this to 298 00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:32,119 Speaker 5: be like a celibacy is going to Fix Your problems 299 00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:35,880 Speaker 5: campaign or like making a woman feel like she can't 300 00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:38,480 Speaker 5: have like a full sex life and still be like 301 00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:42,800 Speaker 5: worthy of love and still be able to like find 302 00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:49,200 Speaker 5: her truth and everything so like the journey continued, but honestly, 303 00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:55,240 Speaker 5: it got like my attention and my story like sort 304 00:15:55,280 --> 00:15:58,800 Speaker 5: of got so wrapped up in like everyone else's opinion. 305 00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:03,760 Speaker 5: And I was dealing with it for a while until like, 306 00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:05,920 Speaker 5: oh gosh, I'm just gonna give you the honest truth. 307 00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:09,160 Speaker 5: A best friend and I had like a big falling out, 308 00:16:10,040 --> 00:16:13,040 Speaker 5: and I'm like codependent in my friendships. Like I don't 309 00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:15,280 Speaker 5: know about you, but I'm like, which is also like 310 00:16:15,320 --> 00:16:16,040 Speaker 5: something I need. 311 00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:19,920 Speaker 4: To fix, you know, Like I'm like, I love a. 312 00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:23,280 Speaker 5: Codependent female friendship where you just like become sisters and 313 00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:26,920 Speaker 5: talk to nobody else, like and just like are attached 314 00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:29,960 Speaker 5: to the hip. And like we had a different perspective 315 00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:33,040 Speaker 5: on what's happening sort of in the Middle East and 316 00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:37,320 Speaker 5: the war, and that is just something that's really important 317 00:16:37,320 --> 00:16:41,400 Speaker 5: to me, like activism and sort of seeing seeing that clearly, 318 00:16:41,640 --> 00:16:44,800 Speaker 5: Like and she and I loved each other so much 319 00:16:44,840 --> 00:16:48,320 Speaker 5: and for so long we were able to like see 320 00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:51,560 Speaker 5: past it, but there just came a time in that 321 00:16:51,640 --> 00:16:54,360 Speaker 5: moment where like we couldn't really get past our differences. 322 00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:57,160 Speaker 5: And you know, as a progressive from the South, like 323 00:16:57,280 --> 00:16:59,080 Speaker 5: I have been friends with people who don't agree with 324 00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:02,360 Speaker 5: me politically my whole life. And I think that that's 325 00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:05,480 Speaker 5: a good and important thing, and that's something where like 326 00:17:05,520 --> 00:17:08,120 Speaker 5: living in New York, I get a bit frustrated because 327 00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:10,680 Speaker 5: people are only friends with people who think like them, 328 00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:13,440 Speaker 5: and I don't. I don't think that's helpful, you know 329 00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:16,560 Speaker 5: what I mean, Like, yeah, I think it's absolutely important 330 00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:20,040 Speaker 5: to like love and understand people who don't agree with you. 331 00:17:20,880 --> 00:17:21,600 Speaker 3: We just fell. 332 00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:25,960 Speaker 5: Apart and I didn't know what to do without her, 333 00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:30,320 Speaker 5: like to be totally honest, Like, without her, I was 334 00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:34,639 Speaker 5: like so lost. And then a boy slid into my 335 00:17:34,760 --> 00:17:37,520 Speaker 5: DMS and then I was like, you know what, I'm 336 00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:40,760 Speaker 5: just gonna go to a show like he is a proof. 337 00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:46,800 Speaker 5: He was is whatever, a professional clown. Literally literally it's 338 00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:47,520 Speaker 5: so New York. 339 00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:48,600 Speaker 3: It doesn't better. 340 00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:52,160 Speaker 4: It's so New York, like a truly a clown. 341 00:17:52,520 --> 00:17:54,760 Speaker 5: And like the moment I met him, he shook my 342 00:17:54,800 --> 00:17:57,520 Speaker 5: hand with like one of those electric buzzers in his 343 00:17:57,680 --> 00:18:00,600 Speaker 5: hand and shocked me, and I like want to just him, 344 00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:04,040 Speaker 5: like no, I'm like, but I was like so down bad. 345 00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:04,480 Speaker 3: I was like. 346 00:18:04,480 --> 00:18:08,000 Speaker 5: Whatever, and my truth is and like I don't know 347 00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:10,880 Speaker 5: if you relate to this, And I'm curious how many women, 348 00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:13,159 Speaker 5: especially again women from the South, will relate to this. 349 00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:16,760 Speaker 5: But like when I'm performing for a man, I know 350 00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:19,760 Speaker 5: exactly what I'm doing. I know how to laugh when 351 00:18:19,840 --> 00:18:22,119 Speaker 5: he needs me to laugh. I know how to be 352 00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:24,679 Speaker 5: And like, the thing about women from the South is 353 00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:28,760 Speaker 5: we are charming. Like we are charming and we are sweet, 354 00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:32,080 Speaker 5: and we can say, oh my goodness, and like men 355 00:18:32,160 --> 00:18:35,000 Speaker 5: in New York are like so mesmerized by it. If 356 00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:38,760 Speaker 5: I'm being honest totally, because women in New York are 357 00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:41,000 Speaker 5: honest and straightforward. 358 00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:42,880 Speaker 4: And they tell you how they feel. And I need 359 00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:43,800 Speaker 4: more of that in me. 360 00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:47,639 Speaker 5: And like, so the sort of Southern sweetness is like 361 00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:49,920 Speaker 5: even when I'm talking with when I'm at a table 362 00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:52,320 Speaker 5: with girls from the South, I'm like, oh my god, 363 00:18:52,359 --> 00:18:54,639 Speaker 5: I never feel like we see each other and we 364 00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:57,960 Speaker 5: see people and we listen in such a sweet way. 365 00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:00,400 Speaker 5: And again it can be like taking a litle too 366 00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:04,159 Speaker 5: far because sometimes we don't know how to put ourselves first. Sure, 367 00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:06,399 Speaker 5: but at the end of the day, it is like 368 00:19:06,760 --> 00:19:10,080 Speaker 5: we're good at it. And so I meet this guy 369 00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:14,520 Speaker 5: and he's so cute or he's cute enough whatever, He's 370 00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:19,400 Speaker 5: like cute and he's funny and we kiss and then 371 00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:21,520 Speaker 5: we like I'm like telling myself, I'm like, a kiss 372 00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:24,760 Speaker 5: is okay, A kiss is okay, because the truth is, 373 00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:28,240 Speaker 5: like I was upset when the headline was about celibacy, 374 00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:30,879 Speaker 5: but I also at the same time did want to 375 00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:36,479 Speaker 5: reevaluate my relationship to sex sure, because like there's this 376 00:19:36,560 --> 00:19:41,200 Speaker 5: sort of like happy medium between saving yourself for marriage 377 00:19:41,240 --> 00:19:45,520 Speaker 5: and feeling like you can't have sex until you're married, 378 00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:49,399 Speaker 5: but also like having sex in an intentional way apps 379 00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:53,120 Speaker 5: like I think hookup culture sort of like sold us 380 00:19:53,160 --> 00:19:56,960 Speaker 5: this lie that like having sex whenever you want, however 381 00:19:57,000 --> 00:20:01,399 Speaker 5: you want drunks like what so or whenever wherever, like 382 00:20:01,880 --> 00:20:05,400 Speaker 5: sold us this lie that like that was empowering, but 383 00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:06,760 Speaker 5: like it's not. 384 00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:09,880 Speaker 3: That I agree with you. Yeah, at the end of the. 385 00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:15,399 Speaker 5: Day, it leaves us feeling like confused and empty and 386 00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:17,840 Speaker 5: you're like I just did like I was just laying 387 00:20:17,920 --> 00:20:20,359 Speaker 5: naked in bed with someone and like they don't know 388 00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:23,679 Speaker 5: me or who I am, and that's another sort of 389 00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:28,280 Speaker 5: like false sense of connection and vulnerability, and so like 390 00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:31,600 Speaker 5: I didn't really want to go back to having sex 391 00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:34,800 Speaker 5: because I did want to be able to like work 392 00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:38,240 Speaker 5: that muscle of like creating a relationship with a man 393 00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:43,199 Speaker 5: without it, because honestly, it makes connection so much easier. Like, 394 00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:45,840 Speaker 5: of course you're gonna like someone if you're sleeping with them, 395 00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:48,000 Speaker 5: Like sleeping with someone is awesome. 396 00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:49,720 Speaker 4: If it's good, you know what I'm saying. 397 00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:53,840 Speaker 5: But we were like together one night, like he was 398 00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:56,280 Speaker 5: being romantic and he like read me a poem and 399 00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:58,280 Speaker 5: I was like, oh, you're so smart and funny and 400 00:20:58,320 --> 00:21:01,360 Speaker 5: like one thing, let's do another, and like we sort 401 00:21:01,359 --> 00:21:04,160 Speaker 5: of came to this moment where we all we could 402 00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:07,320 Speaker 5: have or couldn't have, and I was like, am I 403 00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:09,520 Speaker 5: not having sex for me? Or am I not having 404 00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:13,399 Speaker 5: sex because I feel like I'm not supposed to because 405 00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:16,320 Speaker 5: I've like told the entire world I'm not going to. 406 00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:19,960 Speaker 5: And so I did, and it was nice and it 407 00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:22,560 Speaker 5: was fine, you know, and it was good, and like 408 00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:26,520 Speaker 5: I honestly like felt kind of some relief because I 409 00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:30,440 Speaker 5: felt like I was finally able to like do something 410 00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:34,080 Speaker 5: that I wanted to do, not just do something because 411 00:21:34,119 --> 00:21:35,959 Speaker 5: people wanted me to do it or because of an 412 00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:40,520 Speaker 5: expectation or anything. But the truth is, like, you know, 413 00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:45,520 Speaker 5: that happened, but I'm still very much figuring out how 414 00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:50,280 Speaker 5: to be in relation to men in a healthy way, 415 00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:53,480 Speaker 5: Like if I'm being so honest, like I have not 416 00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:57,639 Speaker 5: mastered that skill. And I started talking about this in 417 00:21:57,680 --> 00:22:01,359 Speaker 5: twenty twenty three, you know what I mean, almost two 418 00:22:01,520 --> 00:22:05,359 Speaker 5: years now, and I'm still like finding myself kind of 419 00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:08,359 Speaker 5: in situations with men that I don't even like that much, 420 00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:12,919 Speaker 5: or like sleeping with someone because it's easier to just 421 00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:15,560 Speaker 5: sleep with them than it is to like be alone 422 00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:20,359 Speaker 5: sometimes and so like, the journey is not over, and 423 00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:33,240 Speaker 5: I'm like, I really have no idea when it will be. Well. 424 00:22:33,240 --> 00:22:35,199 Speaker 2: I think the interesting thing that I'm thinking as you 425 00:22:35,320 --> 00:22:40,160 Speaker 2: talk is what I like about this concept of going sober. 426 00:22:40,320 --> 00:22:41,920 Speaker 2: You know, I've done a thing too where I'll take 427 00:22:41,920 --> 00:22:44,119 Speaker 2: a break from drinking. I did a year without drinking 428 00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:46,840 Speaker 2: one time because I was just in this place of 429 00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:49,800 Speaker 2: wanting to do deep dives on some other inner work 430 00:22:49,800 --> 00:22:53,159 Speaker 2: with myself, and I've found myself distracting with that, and 431 00:22:53,240 --> 00:22:55,320 Speaker 2: so I just was the time of you know, wanting 432 00:22:55,359 --> 00:22:57,760 Speaker 2: to reevaluate, I think, is the way you said it earlier, 433 00:22:58,280 --> 00:23:02,359 Speaker 2: to really build a true relationship with it that was conscious. 434 00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:03,960 Speaker 3: So it was totally it was like. 435 00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:06,800 Speaker 2: I wasn't just drinking as a habit or whatever I know, 436 00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:09,280 Speaker 2: and it's I've done it with dating as well and 437 00:23:09,320 --> 00:23:12,080 Speaker 2: with after long term relationships. And what I like about 438 00:23:12,119 --> 00:23:16,080 Speaker 2: this concept is the pause, I think is when we reflect. 439 00:23:16,119 --> 00:23:19,520 Speaker 2: It's when we actually ask ourselves. Am I living off programming? 440 00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:22,679 Speaker 2: Or am I living in the way that is in 441 00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:26,040 Speaker 2: alignment with me? That's what I really want. That isn't 442 00:23:26,080 --> 00:23:30,480 Speaker 2: just like medicating some fear or whole or whatever you want. 443 00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:30,760 Speaker 3: To call it. 444 00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:34,240 Speaker 2: That's actually intensional, like you said, And so I love 445 00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:36,960 Speaker 2: that idea. And then as you were just saying the 446 00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:39,720 Speaker 2: last part, I thought to myself, I'm in a relationship 447 00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:41,240 Speaker 2: now though, and I don't know that the work of 448 00:23:41,280 --> 00:23:45,120 Speaker 2: that ever ends, because when you enter into a relationship 449 00:23:45,400 --> 00:23:48,399 Speaker 2: there's new depths that you'll meet yourself, or new things 450 00:23:48,440 --> 00:23:51,280 Speaker 2: that will come up, new patterns you'll notice within yourself. 451 00:23:51,640 --> 00:23:55,240 Speaker 2: So I just like the idea of asking ourselves the 452 00:23:55,359 --> 00:24:00,160 Speaker 2: questions and giving ourselves the space to take the paw, 453 00:24:00,359 --> 00:24:02,399 Speaker 2: to sit in the quiet, because I don't find that 454 00:24:02,440 --> 00:24:04,760 Speaker 2: we do that very often in our culture. It's just 455 00:24:04,800 --> 00:24:07,840 Speaker 2: the go, go go, it's what you've reined to do 456 00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:10,639 Speaker 2: without thinking, we just show up and do it. 457 00:24:11,680 --> 00:24:15,000 Speaker 5: Absolutely, for me, it was a piece of like really 458 00:24:15,080 --> 00:24:20,359 Speaker 5: unlearning some examples like the grandmother and mother piece of 459 00:24:20,400 --> 00:24:23,159 Speaker 5: it all was like I was like, I want to 460 00:24:23,359 --> 00:24:26,520 Speaker 5: heal this part of me because I want to have 461 00:24:26,560 --> 00:24:29,320 Speaker 5: a daughter one day and I want to be able 462 00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:34,200 Speaker 5: to like not give her this same script, you know, totally. 463 00:24:34,320 --> 00:24:36,120 Speaker 4: It's like both my mom. 464 00:24:36,200 --> 00:24:38,239 Speaker 5: It was so interesting because like during this time, it's 465 00:24:38,280 --> 00:24:40,480 Speaker 5: like I've been doing a lot of just like writing 466 00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:43,240 Speaker 5: and thinking, and I was going back to, like, you know, 467 00:24:43,280 --> 00:24:46,879 Speaker 5: my first moment with intimacy, and like I sort of said, like, 468 00:24:47,520 --> 00:24:50,160 Speaker 5: because I really do think if we don't heal those 469 00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:53,320 Speaker 5: earlier moments and sort of get those skeletons out of 470 00:24:53,359 --> 00:24:55,600 Speaker 5: the closet, they're in there dancing. 471 00:24:55,880 --> 00:25:02,040 Speaker 2: Oh yeah, I always yes, absolutely and strings yeah. 472 00:25:02,080 --> 00:25:05,440 Speaker 5: And I wrote this big, long piece just about how 473 00:25:05,480 --> 00:25:09,520 Speaker 5: that happened, because again, my parents kind of got divorced 474 00:25:09,520 --> 00:25:12,119 Speaker 5: and my mom got really depressed and my dad like 475 00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:14,359 Speaker 5: moved out of the house, and like so it was 476 00:25:14,400 --> 00:25:16,400 Speaker 5: just sort of like me and my boyfriend, like he 477 00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:18,359 Speaker 5: became my family, you know. 478 00:25:19,160 --> 00:25:20,840 Speaker 4: And I feel like so many girls do that. 479 00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:25,239 Speaker 5: They replace they replaced their family with their boyfriend, and 480 00:25:25,280 --> 00:25:27,480 Speaker 5: then they have no idea how to feel safety or 481 00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:30,879 Speaker 5: love outside of that specific type of love. And I 482 00:25:30,920 --> 00:25:33,879 Speaker 5: was like reading her the story and I stopped, and 483 00:25:33,920 --> 00:25:36,199 Speaker 5: I had never told her how old I was when 484 00:25:36,240 --> 00:25:39,480 Speaker 5: I lost my virginity, never told her about this entire thing, 485 00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:41,440 Speaker 5: Like this is the first time she was hearing about 486 00:25:41,440 --> 00:25:44,920 Speaker 5: all this, And I was like, I stopped kind of 487 00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:47,880 Speaker 5: after that moment, and I was like, how do you feel? 488 00:25:48,480 --> 00:25:51,199 Speaker 5: And she was like, the same thing happened to me, 489 00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:56,440 Speaker 5: same timing, same thing. My grandparents got divorced, my grandmother 490 00:25:56,520 --> 00:26:00,480 Speaker 5: moved in with another man, my grandfather disappeared, mom turned 491 00:26:00,480 --> 00:26:04,159 Speaker 5: a boyfriend into a family and like that for me 492 00:26:04,400 --> 00:26:08,400 Speaker 5: was like I don't know, so it made so much 493 00:26:08,480 --> 00:26:13,399 Speaker 5: sense because we do just like we repeat, like stories 494 00:26:13,480 --> 00:26:16,720 Speaker 5: will repeat and repeat and repeat if we don't like 495 00:26:16,880 --> 00:26:19,520 Speaker 5: stop and take the time to be like, okay, what 496 00:26:19,720 --> 00:26:23,080 Speaker 5: was passed down? Like so much as in our genetics. 497 00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:26,680 Speaker 5: And people don't want to admit that their families are crazy. 498 00:26:26,840 --> 00:26:29,119 Speaker 5: But I'm like, to be to be crazy is to 499 00:26:29,160 --> 00:26:32,919 Speaker 5: be human, you know what I mean. I don't understand 500 00:26:32,920 --> 00:26:35,399 Speaker 5: why it's so hard for people to admit like we 501 00:26:35,480 --> 00:26:39,640 Speaker 5: all are we've got some shit, yeah, Like and if 502 00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:42,359 Speaker 5: you don't, you're not human, Like and what's the fun 503 00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:47,159 Speaker 5: in that, like, you know, like get into it, figure 504 00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:49,840 Speaker 5: it out, dissect it, like pull it apart. 505 00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:51,800 Speaker 3: I have a question. 506 00:26:52,160 --> 00:26:55,119 Speaker 2: You've mentioned the breakup of the friend and kind of 507 00:26:55,160 --> 00:26:57,040 Speaker 2: that was what led you to get back into dating, 508 00:26:57,119 --> 00:27:00,560 Speaker 2: and so I was wondering before that, I think you 509 00:27:00,600 --> 00:27:03,919 Speaker 2: were doing your voice over time, and did you notice 510 00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:08,840 Speaker 2: a difference between the being alone peace maybe even after 511 00:27:08,880 --> 00:27:11,720 Speaker 2: that friendship and actual loneliness? 512 00:27:12,040 --> 00:27:15,399 Speaker 5: You know, I live in New York, yeah, which like 513 00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:18,920 Speaker 5: is a lonely place. And it's because it's like there's 514 00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:24,600 Speaker 5: so many people around, but you don't know anyone so deeply, 515 00:27:25,240 --> 00:27:29,800 Speaker 5: and like I often find myself like missing Tennessee and 516 00:27:29,880 --> 00:27:35,160 Speaker 5: missing Nashville and missing a small town and like romanticizing 517 00:27:35,240 --> 00:27:39,000 Speaker 5: that in a way, just because like here you can 518 00:27:39,040 --> 00:27:43,960 Speaker 5: feel so isolated and I don't really think here people like, yes, 519 00:27:44,000 --> 00:27:47,440 Speaker 5: there is a sense of community, but that community sort 520 00:27:47,480 --> 00:27:50,040 Speaker 5: of looks like, Okay, if someone falls over and they've 521 00:27:50,080 --> 00:27:52,080 Speaker 5: like broken their leg on the side of the road, 522 00:27:52,359 --> 00:27:53,879 Speaker 5: ten people will come around and help. 523 00:27:54,200 --> 00:27:55,120 Speaker 4: But as as soon as. 524 00:27:55,000 --> 00:27:57,439 Speaker 5: They're like on their feet and they're okay, it's like 525 00:27:57,480 --> 00:27:59,760 Speaker 5: you don't exist again. Right where it's kind of in 526 00:27:59,800 --> 00:28:03,200 Speaker 5: a small town or in the South, like there seems 527 00:28:03,240 --> 00:28:07,960 Speaker 5: to be just a bit more camaraderie, you know, and 528 00:28:08,040 --> 00:28:12,200 Speaker 5: so like loneliness in New York can be tough, and honestly, 529 00:28:12,240 --> 00:28:14,120 Speaker 5: like I got to this point where I was here 530 00:28:14,119 --> 00:28:17,480 Speaker 5: in New York and I was just feeling so alone 531 00:28:17,800 --> 00:28:21,520 Speaker 5: and so kind of isolated, and my life was really online, 532 00:28:22,240 --> 00:28:26,160 Speaker 5: and I think like Instagram and TikTok. Though so much 533 00:28:26,160 --> 00:28:28,560 Speaker 5: of my work is on there and a lot of 534 00:28:28,560 --> 00:28:32,160 Speaker 5: my success can be attributed to that, I do think 535 00:28:32,240 --> 00:28:36,080 Speaker 5: it can be a really dangerous world to let yourself 536 00:28:36,160 --> 00:28:41,400 Speaker 5: fall into, because it's at the end of the day, disconnection. 537 00:28:42,200 --> 00:28:42,440 Speaker 3: You know. 538 00:28:42,560 --> 00:28:47,440 Speaker 5: It's a very sort of pretend version of connection. 539 00:28:47,760 --> 00:28:50,480 Speaker 2: Like well, because we're all presenting what we want to present. 540 00:28:50,640 --> 00:28:53,840 Speaker 5: We're presenting we're like sip the sighlights. 541 00:28:54,320 --> 00:28:56,240 Speaker 4: We're not with people in a room. 542 00:28:56,480 --> 00:29:01,280 Speaker 5: We're looking at likes, we're looking at reaction, We're letting 543 00:29:01,400 --> 00:29:05,600 Speaker 5: so many like comments and opinions, and and honestly, like. 544 00:29:05,880 --> 00:29:08,640 Speaker 4: It just really gets to it gets to me anyways, 545 00:29:08,840 --> 00:29:09,080 Speaker 4: you know. 546 00:29:09,960 --> 00:29:12,200 Speaker 5: And so I honestly had to like go back to 547 00:29:12,240 --> 00:29:16,000 Speaker 5: Tennessee and live there with my mom and my grandmother, 548 00:29:16,080 --> 00:29:18,960 Speaker 5: and like my hometown, best friends, friends that have known 549 00:29:19,040 --> 00:29:24,040 Speaker 5: me for life to just like reconnect to myself and 550 00:29:24,160 --> 00:29:29,360 Speaker 5: reconnect to them, and in some ways, like friendship and adulthood, 551 00:29:29,960 --> 00:29:33,720 Speaker 5: you can become friends with someone because you're a version 552 00:29:33,760 --> 00:29:35,160 Speaker 5: of yourself that's like far. 553 00:29:35,040 --> 00:29:36,680 Speaker 4: Away from who you really are. 554 00:29:37,400 --> 00:29:39,680 Speaker 5: You know, like a lot of adulthood I think can 555 00:29:39,760 --> 00:29:44,000 Speaker 5: be like getting away from your like childlike self or 556 00:29:44,000 --> 00:29:46,920 Speaker 5: your like true at self and like you're trying to 557 00:29:47,000 --> 00:29:49,400 Speaker 5: keep up with the joneses and you're trying to do 558 00:29:49,480 --> 00:29:51,400 Speaker 5: the thing and you're trying to like act like you're 559 00:29:51,440 --> 00:29:54,360 Speaker 5: okay and you're good and you're everything you know, but 560 00:29:54,440 --> 00:29:57,400 Speaker 5: getting back to those roots, like it's really something I 561 00:29:57,440 --> 00:30:00,440 Speaker 5: had to do, and I think that's something that finally 562 00:30:00,560 --> 00:30:03,440 Speaker 5: sort of like gave me a sense of deep connection 563 00:30:03,800 --> 00:30:06,760 Speaker 5: and really helped with that like loneliness. 564 00:30:07,200 --> 00:30:10,440 Speaker 2: So basically what I hear, and correct me if I'm 565 00:30:10,600 --> 00:30:14,800 Speaker 2: misinterpreting this, but you connecting back with yourself and with 566 00:30:15,200 --> 00:30:17,600 Speaker 2: maybe who you were when you were younger, the people 567 00:30:17,720 --> 00:30:20,080 Speaker 2: around you who've known you your whole life is really 568 00:30:20,120 --> 00:30:23,440 Speaker 2: what helped with the lonely factor during this time. 569 00:30:24,000 --> 00:30:27,800 Speaker 5: Totally, absolutely, it was like being with my high school 570 00:30:27,800 --> 00:30:30,200 Speaker 5: friends you know what I mean, like being with people 571 00:30:30,240 --> 00:30:33,440 Speaker 5: who've known me my whole life, being with people who will, 572 00:30:33,480 --> 00:30:35,880 Speaker 5: like say, who will like call me on my shit 573 00:30:36,040 --> 00:30:39,440 Speaker 5: and also know that I'm lovable, you know what I mean, Like, yeah, 574 00:30:39,760 --> 00:30:42,719 Speaker 5: that was so important to me. And then also like 575 00:30:43,000 --> 00:30:46,120 Speaker 5: I was talking to this one girl who introduced the 576 00:30:46,160 --> 00:30:49,880 Speaker 5: concept of like solitude versus loneliness. 577 00:30:49,960 --> 00:30:50,720 Speaker 3: Oh that's good. 578 00:30:50,880 --> 00:30:56,160 Speaker 5: Yeah yeah, and like that one little shift in perspective, 579 00:30:56,920 --> 00:30:59,920 Speaker 5: and she kind of was like, like she's married now, 580 00:31:00,120 --> 00:31:02,200 Speaker 5: and she was like, I, you know, sometimes miss my 581 00:31:02,360 --> 00:31:06,800 Speaker 5: time being alone and I miss like being able to 582 00:31:06,840 --> 00:31:12,000 Speaker 5: have that solitude. So also like reframing loneliness as solitude 583 00:31:12,040 --> 00:31:13,520 Speaker 5: has been really helpful for me too. 584 00:31:14,000 --> 00:31:14,280 Speaker 3: Yeah. 585 00:31:14,360 --> 00:31:16,680 Speaker 2: Well, I think that's what I was initially kind of 586 00:31:16,880 --> 00:31:19,960 Speaker 2: wondering with the loneliness versus being alone factor because I 587 00:31:19,960 --> 00:31:23,640 Speaker 2: think a lot of people hearing the term voiceover and going, Okay, well, 588 00:31:23,680 --> 00:31:26,960 Speaker 2: I'm supposed to take this sabbatical from dating and sex. 589 00:31:27,320 --> 00:31:30,360 Speaker 2: I'm going to be so lonely and they freak out right. 590 00:31:30,520 --> 00:31:33,200 Speaker 2: The point being what you just said of like we 591 00:31:33,240 --> 00:31:36,719 Speaker 2: live online, we live so in the space of like 592 00:31:36,880 --> 00:31:40,520 Speaker 2: completely disconnecting on so many levels, right, but we're not 593 00:31:40,600 --> 00:31:44,040 Speaker 2: even connecting to ourselves, and the fact that we use 594 00:31:44,200 --> 00:31:47,000 Speaker 2: to be alone for a moment sounds scary because we 595 00:31:47,120 --> 00:31:49,680 Speaker 2: don't know how to connect with oursels. Hum, do you 596 00:31:49,720 --> 00:31:51,920 Speaker 2: feel like you learned more about how to do that 597 00:31:52,040 --> 00:31:52,800 Speaker 2: during this time? 598 00:31:53,400 --> 00:31:56,040 Speaker 4: I'm honestly like I am truly in the throes of. 599 00:31:56,000 --> 00:31:59,320 Speaker 3: It, Like, okay, ongoing, still. 600 00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:03,160 Speaker 5: Ongoing, like I will Okay, I'll tell you a bit 601 00:32:03,160 --> 00:32:06,960 Speaker 5: of an epiphany I've had because I haven't been with 602 00:32:07,000 --> 00:32:09,320 Speaker 5: a guy in a while, but I became sort of 603 00:32:09,360 --> 00:32:13,160 Speaker 5: fixated on this guy who kept looking at my Instagram 604 00:32:13,200 --> 00:32:15,800 Speaker 5: story okay, and I feel like so many. 605 00:32:15,560 --> 00:32:18,320 Speaker 4: Girls know what this is like. But it's like kind 606 00:32:18,320 --> 00:32:19,520 Speaker 4: of a reply guy. 607 00:32:20,000 --> 00:32:22,600 Speaker 5: Kind of a guy who was just like always kind 608 00:32:22,600 --> 00:32:25,120 Speaker 5: of in my dms every now and again, and so 609 00:32:25,160 --> 00:32:27,840 Speaker 5: it was like every Instagram story I would post, it 610 00:32:27,920 --> 00:32:31,400 Speaker 5: was for him, and every everything I would do was 611 00:32:31,480 --> 00:32:33,360 Speaker 5: just like, is this going to get a reaction out 612 00:32:33,360 --> 00:32:36,920 Speaker 5: of him? And I'm taking a break from drinking again 613 00:32:37,000 --> 00:32:41,120 Speaker 5: because I had a day of bottomless mimosas, which. 614 00:32:40,920 --> 00:32:43,240 Speaker 3: Always that's all you gotta say. 615 00:32:44,640 --> 00:32:45,960 Speaker 4: It takes me out of the game. 616 00:32:46,360 --> 00:32:49,600 Speaker 6: Yeah, for a minute, I'm like I got to sit 617 00:32:49,640 --> 00:32:50,760 Speaker 6: on the bench for a while. 618 00:32:51,640 --> 00:32:55,040 Speaker 5: But after this, I was like, it was like a Sunday. 619 00:32:55,080 --> 00:32:58,120 Speaker 5: I was with my best friend and we had bottomless mimosas, 620 00:32:58,160 --> 00:33:00,040 Speaker 5: and I was like, you know what, I'm gonna I 621 00:33:00,120 --> 00:33:03,200 Speaker 5: ask this guy what it is he's looking for? Sure, 622 00:33:03,320 --> 00:33:05,880 Speaker 5: you know, So I sent him this text message and 623 00:33:05,920 --> 00:33:08,760 Speaker 5: I was like, Hey, I'm just gonna be really direct, 624 00:33:09,360 --> 00:33:10,760 Speaker 5: like what do you want from me? 625 00:33:11,640 --> 00:33:13,360 Speaker 4: And he was basically like nothing. 626 00:33:17,480 --> 00:33:18,000 Speaker 1: I was like. 627 00:33:18,680 --> 00:33:27,040 Speaker 6: Totally misreading, totally misreading, totally writing a story without your. 628 00:33:27,160 --> 00:33:28,440 Speaker 4: Permission or input. 629 00:33:29,120 --> 00:33:31,600 Speaker 5: But to be honest, that was like three weeks ago, 630 00:33:32,080 --> 00:33:34,200 Speaker 5: and since then, like. 631 00:33:34,280 --> 00:33:37,000 Speaker 4: I have felt so sort of like set free. 632 00:33:37,520 --> 00:33:39,880 Speaker 5: I think I'm like giving up drinking for a minute again, 633 00:33:39,960 --> 00:33:41,760 Speaker 5: because I'm like, I wish I didn't have to ask 634 00:33:41,800 --> 00:33:45,480 Speaker 5: that question after a day of bottomless mimosas, Like why 635 00:33:45,520 --> 00:33:46,040 Speaker 5: couldn't you. 636 00:33:46,080 --> 00:33:46,520 Speaker 4: Know what I mean? 637 00:33:46,600 --> 00:33:48,360 Speaker 5: Like I'd like to be able, Like if I'm going 638 00:33:48,400 --> 00:33:50,480 Speaker 5: to ask something bold like that, I'd like to be 639 00:33:50,520 --> 00:33:52,360 Speaker 5: one hundred percent you know aware. 640 00:33:52,760 --> 00:33:52,920 Speaker 2: Yeah. 641 00:33:53,360 --> 00:33:53,600 Speaker 6: Yeah. 642 00:33:53,880 --> 00:33:57,560 Speaker 5: But since then, I'm like reading books that I'm really 643 00:33:57,600 --> 00:34:01,360 Speaker 5: interested in, Like I'm not scrolling and looking for his name, 644 00:34:01,640 --> 00:34:05,320 Speaker 5: like I'm not like like I like the term voiceover 645 00:34:05,600 --> 00:34:08,000 Speaker 5: is really honest and true and accurate for me because 646 00:34:08,040 --> 00:34:11,759 Speaker 5: I do have like a true fixation on like men 647 00:34:11,800 --> 00:34:15,640 Speaker 5: and male attention, and I have this like deep thing 648 00:34:15,719 --> 00:34:19,120 Speaker 5: of like they are gonna save me from myself, sure, 649 00:34:19,200 --> 00:34:22,200 Speaker 5: like if only this guy would like me, if only 650 00:34:22,239 --> 00:34:25,600 Speaker 5: this guy would like be in my life. The reality 651 00:34:25,640 --> 00:34:28,160 Speaker 5: that I know is as soon as I get them, 652 00:34:28,320 --> 00:34:31,399 Speaker 5: I do not want them, you know what I mean, 653 00:34:31,520 --> 00:34:34,000 Speaker 5: Like if that guy wanted me, if that guy was 654 00:34:34,040 --> 00:34:37,320 Speaker 5: doing more than looking at my Instagram story, I wouldn't 655 00:34:37,320 --> 00:34:40,239 Speaker 5: want a thing to do with him. It's like this, 656 00:34:41,160 --> 00:34:44,760 Speaker 5: it's this like distance and this fantasy that I'm able 657 00:34:44,840 --> 00:34:48,360 Speaker 5: to like come up with in that distance, you know. 658 00:34:49,680 --> 00:34:52,440 Speaker 5: But recently, and I think, like the lesson I have 659 00:34:52,520 --> 00:34:55,960 Speaker 5: from all of this is like number one, just ask, 660 00:34:56,520 --> 00:34:59,319 Speaker 5: like if you are fixated on someone and you've got 661 00:34:59,320 --> 00:35:01,960 Speaker 5: this like fantasy in your head, Like I don't know 662 00:35:02,000 --> 00:35:04,360 Speaker 5: why it is so hard for us just to ask 663 00:35:04,400 --> 00:35:07,600 Speaker 5: a guy or ask someone like do you want to 664 00:35:07,640 --> 00:35:10,840 Speaker 5: do this? Like are you interested in me? Like maybe 665 00:35:10,840 --> 00:35:13,880 Speaker 5: it's because the fantasy is like so much safer or 666 00:35:13,880 --> 00:35:17,480 Speaker 5: like we're in control of it. But since then, I 667 00:35:17,560 --> 00:35:20,960 Speaker 5: have like been able to like actually have alone time, 668 00:35:21,040 --> 00:35:22,960 Speaker 5: And I think you sort of said this earlier, Like 669 00:35:23,440 --> 00:35:25,960 Speaker 5: so much of our alone time now like isn't really 670 00:35:26,040 --> 00:35:30,160 Speaker 5: alone time because we're on our phones and like we're 671 00:35:30,440 --> 00:35:34,040 Speaker 5: we're taking in like other people's lives and other people's 672 00:35:34,080 --> 00:35:36,920 Speaker 5: words and other people's perspectives, and like a little bit 673 00:35:36,960 --> 00:35:40,920 Speaker 5: of it is okay, But like to truly have solitude 674 00:35:40,960 --> 00:35:44,960 Speaker 5: and like time alone with like your yourself, it's something 675 00:35:45,000 --> 00:35:47,200 Speaker 5: you really have to carve out now. It's something you 676 00:35:47,200 --> 00:35:51,120 Speaker 5: have to be really intentional about. And so I'm like 677 00:35:51,800 --> 00:35:55,520 Speaker 5: reading books that I am enjoying. I'm like having long 678 00:35:55,600 --> 00:35:58,799 Speaker 5: talks with my my best friends back home. I'm like 679 00:35:59,520 --> 00:36:03,080 Speaker 5: really so kind of settling into like a new sense 680 00:36:03,120 --> 00:36:04,040 Speaker 5: of solitude. 681 00:36:04,200 --> 00:36:06,960 Speaker 4: But I had to I had to really set myself free. 682 00:36:07,239 --> 00:36:08,439 Speaker 3: Yeah. 683 00:36:08,120 --> 00:36:12,759 Speaker 5: Yeah, this from the male, specifically one male's gaze. 684 00:36:13,200 --> 00:36:22,879 Speaker 1: Yeah. 685 00:36:22,960 --> 00:36:26,640 Speaker 2: I love the conversation about making up the fantasy story too, 686 00:36:26,719 --> 00:36:29,640 Speaker 2: because I think that's very common and it's very easy 687 00:36:29,680 --> 00:36:32,160 Speaker 2: to do because of the movies we watch, even the 688 00:36:32,160 --> 00:36:34,719 Speaker 2: reality shows, like the dating shows. You know, it's this 689 00:36:34,800 --> 00:36:36,759 Speaker 2: fairy tale where you fall in love in a week 690 00:36:36,880 --> 00:36:40,200 Speaker 2: or whatever, and like it's realistic, but it is what 691 00:36:40,239 --> 00:36:43,279 Speaker 2: we're shown all the time. So I think it's very 692 00:36:43,719 --> 00:36:47,120 Speaker 2: easy to fall into fantasy thinking, and so giving the 693 00:36:47,200 --> 00:36:49,680 Speaker 2: pause again is another way to not do that. But 694 00:36:49,800 --> 00:36:53,520 Speaker 2: you mentioned social media and men, and obviously, like with that, 695 00:36:53,640 --> 00:36:57,200 Speaker 2: I immediately think of validation, and so I mean you found 696 00:36:57,280 --> 00:37:00,520 Speaker 2: new ways to affirm yourself without seeking it out in 697 00:37:00,560 --> 00:37:01,400 Speaker 2: those two ways. 698 00:37:02,160 --> 00:37:05,200 Speaker 4: You know, I am getting there. 699 00:37:05,360 --> 00:37:08,440 Speaker 5: I really would need to be better about like writing 700 00:37:08,480 --> 00:37:11,160 Speaker 5: down in the morning, like you are beautiful, you are smart, 701 00:37:11,200 --> 00:37:12,440 Speaker 5: you are this, you are that. 702 00:37:14,000 --> 00:37:14,480 Speaker 4: Totally. 703 00:37:14,600 --> 00:37:17,279 Speaker 5: I think that's like another thing, and like let me 704 00:37:17,320 --> 00:37:20,279 Speaker 5: know if you relate to this. But like for me 705 00:37:20,560 --> 00:37:24,239 Speaker 5: growing up, like loving yourself in that way was not 706 00:37:24,280 --> 00:37:27,440 Speaker 5: really seen as a necessary thing, and maybe even it 707 00:37:27,480 --> 00:37:31,920 Speaker 5: was seen as like a selfish thing to like really 708 00:37:32,440 --> 00:37:33,839 Speaker 5: gas yourself up like that. 709 00:37:34,160 --> 00:37:36,120 Speaker 3: Sure, Like to have. 710 00:37:36,000 --> 00:37:40,960 Speaker 5: A deep sense of humility I think is really prioritized 711 00:37:41,000 --> 00:37:43,800 Speaker 5: for women or like celebrated for women in the South. 712 00:37:44,080 --> 00:37:46,200 Speaker 3: A Southern Yeah, yeah, for sure. 713 00:37:46,840 --> 00:37:49,640 Speaker 5: Like I said, these girls in New York, ye, God, 714 00:37:50,080 --> 00:37:52,880 Speaker 5: they let you know, they let you know they're in 715 00:37:52,960 --> 00:37:54,920 Speaker 5: the room, they let you know how they think in 716 00:37:55,080 --> 00:37:57,600 Speaker 5: la feel. But for women in the South, it's like 717 00:37:58,840 --> 00:38:01,840 Speaker 5: to be small is to be celebrated, you know, like 718 00:38:02,360 --> 00:38:05,800 Speaker 5: to be nice is to be good to not cause 719 00:38:05,800 --> 00:38:09,400 Speaker 5: a rockets to and so like to be totally honest, 720 00:38:09,480 --> 00:38:12,640 Speaker 5: like that is also a muscle I'm still really building. 721 00:38:13,360 --> 00:38:16,400 Speaker 5: And I think people assume, like just because I'm not 722 00:38:16,520 --> 00:38:19,200 Speaker 5: scared to like say how I feel every now and again, 723 00:38:19,280 --> 00:38:21,759 Speaker 5: or like put myself out there or like you know, 724 00:38:21,920 --> 00:38:25,040 Speaker 5: put myself online or whatever, they might assume that I 725 00:38:25,080 --> 00:38:29,000 Speaker 5: have like a really deep sense of confidence. I think 726 00:38:29,040 --> 00:38:31,960 Speaker 5: I have like a sense of bravery and maybe a 727 00:38:32,040 --> 00:38:36,120 Speaker 5: sense of like I'm not irrational, but I do sort 728 00:38:36,120 --> 00:38:39,680 Speaker 5: of do things without thinking too much, and that is 729 00:38:39,719 --> 00:38:41,960 Speaker 5: both a good thing and it's gotten me in trouble, 730 00:38:42,160 --> 00:38:44,520 Speaker 5: you know what I mean, like one of my best 731 00:38:44,560 --> 00:38:49,000 Speaker 5: and worst qualities. So the self affirmation, like I am 732 00:38:49,080 --> 00:38:53,359 Speaker 5: definitely building that muscle, like being my own expert. That's 733 00:38:53,400 --> 00:38:56,719 Speaker 5: like my focus right now, because honestly, I feel like 734 00:38:56,760 --> 00:39:01,480 Speaker 5: a lot of the noise has finally settled, Like at 735 00:39:01,600 --> 00:39:07,400 Speaker 5: first this voiceover movement was blowing up and it's a 736 00:39:07,440 --> 00:39:11,120 Speaker 5: podcast now, But like I don't really interact with the 737 00:39:11,160 --> 00:39:14,320 Speaker 5: Internet in the same way that I did a much 738 00:39:14,440 --> 00:39:20,680 Speaker 5: quieter online, a much more like based in reality. And 739 00:39:20,800 --> 00:39:23,760 Speaker 5: if I'm being honest, like I do sort of feel 740 00:39:23,800 --> 00:39:26,839 Speaker 5: like I'm finally sort of in a moment where I'm 741 00:39:26,920 --> 00:39:30,640 Speaker 5: like doing it for myself and on my own terms 742 00:39:30,680 --> 00:39:32,880 Speaker 5: and in my own way instead of sort of like 743 00:39:33,320 --> 00:39:35,960 Speaker 5: opening it up to the public and being like, how 744 00:39:36,000 --> 00:39:37,200 Speaker 5: do you guys think I should do this? 745 00:39:37,400 --> 00:39:37,520 Speaker 3: Right? 746 00:39:37,880 --> 00:39:42,680 Speaker 5: I totally like because like, in all honesty, I think 747 00:39:42,719 --> 00:39:48,440 Speaker 5: I replaced like male validation with like comment validation, you know, 748 00:39:49,200 --> 00:39:51,319 Speaker 5: which It's like it's a beautiful thing because I love 749 00:39:51,360 --> 00:39:53,799 Speaker 5: the girlies in the comments and I'm thankful for them, 750 00:39:53,840 --> 00:39:57,080 Speaker 5: and I also know it was like so helpful for them, 751 00:39:57,160 --> 00:39:59,560 Speaker 5: Like one of my favorite comments to see as a 752 00:39:59,560 --> 00:40:02,120 Speaker 5: girl being like I went voiceover because of you, and 753 00:40:02,160 --> 00:40:05,240 Speaker 5: it's been like the best year of my life. Like, yeah, 754 00:40:05,280 --> 00:40:09,719 Speaker 5: there's nothing I love more than like getting to inspire 755 00:40:09,800 --> 00:40:13,239 Speaker 5: someone to like do something that makes them happier. But 756 00:40:13,320 --> 00:40:15,960 Speaker 5: maybe right now I've just been quieter because I'm like 757 00:40:16,520 --> 00:40:18,480 Speaker 5: doing that for myself for a little while. 758 00:40:18,800 --> 00:40:22,120 Speaker 2: Yeah, well, I love the idea too. I mean, obviously 759 00:40:22,239 --> 00:40:25,960 Speaker 2: you created the concept of voice sober because I TikTok, 760 00:40:26,040 --> 00:40:27,360 Speaker 2: but you're also. 761 00:40:27,200 --> 00:40:30,400 Speaker 3: On the journey totally. You can take the pressure off. 762 00:40:30,200 --> 00:40:33,160 Speaker 2: Of having to be these experts because if you're really honest, 763 00:40:33,280 --> 00:40:35,880 Speaker 2: like we are all on journeys constant. 764 00:40:35,560 --> 00:40:36,680 Speaker 4: Totally constant. 765 00:40:36,719 --> 00:40:38,680 Speaker 2: When you think you figured one thing out, the way 766 00:40:38,719 --> 00:40:41,080 Speaker 2: that like life has worked for me is then there's 767 00:40:41,080 --> 00:40:44,000 Speaker 2: another thing, and then it's totally it's just constantly kind 768 00:40:44,000 --> 00:40:46,680 Speaker 2: of being in this growth pattern. But you did mention 769 00:40:46,800 --> 00:40:49,719 Speaker 2: the podcast, so let's talk about it, because I know 770 00:40:49,840 --> 00:40:51,680 Speaker 2: you said that you're six. 771 00:40:51,520 --> 00:40:52,600 Speaker 3: Episodes in, is that right? 772 00:40:52,719 --> 00:40:52,919 Speaker 4: Yes? 773 00:40:53,160 --> 00:40:55,040 Speaker 3: Yeah, So what can the listeners. 774 00:40:54,640 --> 00:40:56,879 Speaker 2: That are listening and interested in this topic or maybe 775 00:40:56,920 --> 00:41:00,800 Speaker 2: contemplating going Voiceober themselves, what can they look to expect 776 00:41:00,880 --> 00:41:01,680 Speaker 2: in your podcast? 777 00:41:01,760 --> 00:41:02,759 Speaker 3: What kind of guess what you have? 778 00:41:03,520 --> 00:41:06,319 Speaker 5: The first episode is just sort of the introduction, So 779 00:41:06,360 --> 00:41:08,880 Speaker 5: the story I've told is sort of like retold but 780 00:41:09,480 --> 00:41:11,640 Speaker 5: in kind of a beautiful way, with like recordings of 781 00:41:11,680 --> 00:41:14,920 Speaker 5: my grandmother and things like that. The second episode is 782 00:41:14,960 --> 00:41:19,040 Speaker 5: like how to be Single. There's another episode about like 783 00:41:19,239 --> 00:41:23,000 Speaker 5: another like this woman Melissa Febos. That's the last episode 784 00:41:23,040 --> 00:41:25,759 Speaker 5: that came out. That's about like really truly going a 785 00:41:25,840 --> 00:41:30,120 Speaker 5: year without sex and like doing a deep internal dive 786 00:41:30,880 --> 00:41:33,759 Speaker 5: to like figure out how to untangle your sort of 787 00:41:33,840 --> 00:41:34,960 Speaker 5: romantic patterns. 788 00:41:35,000 --> 00:41:37,239 Speaker 4: So that's what it's about. It's about sex. 789 00:41:37,239 --> 00:41:40,280 Speaker 5: It's about being a woman, it's about falling in love, 790 00:41:40,400 --> 00:41:45,239 Speaker 5: it's about breaking hearts, and like it's not just about 791 00:41:45,280 --> 00:41:49,399 Speaker 5: like abstinence or celibacy or giving men up. It's more 792 00:41:49,440 --> 00:41:52,680 Speaker 5: so just like looking at what it is to like 793 00:41:52,840 --> 00:41:58,640 Speaker 5: interact with love, self love, familial love, romantic love, and 794 00:41:58,760 --> 00:42:01,399 Speaker 5: exploring like all of the different types of love and 795 00:42:01,440 --> 00:42:07,080 Speaker 5: like exploring sort of like how we're conditioned to interact 796 00:42:07,120 --> 00:42:10,919 Speaker 5: with it and how we can like unlearn a lot 797 00:42:10,960 --> 00:42:14,440 Speaker 5: of the ways we were taught to interact with it. 798 00:42:15,040 --> 00:42:18,480 Speaker 2: I think that's beautiful because sober is obviously very tied 799 00:42:18,520 --> 00:42:21,840 Speaker 2: to the word like addiction, like totally, and so I 800 00:42:21,880 --> 00:42:25,080 Speaker 2: think in a lot of worlds, if you're an addict 801 00:42:25,120 --> 00:42:28,439 Speaker 2: of drugs or alcohol, you just stop doing the thing right, right, 802 00:42:28,560 --> 00:42:30,920 Speaker 2: But dating and relationships and sex it's a part of 803 00:42:30,960 --> 00:42:33,879 Speaker 2: our life, and so it's not a situation where we're 804 00:42:33,920 --> 00:42:37,920 Speaker 2: just gonna quit forever because totally we're built for connection 805 00:42:38,120 --> 00:42:41,239 Speaker 2: and so we're to do it in a way that 806 00:42:41,400 --> 00:42:46,200 Speaker 2: is functioning for our lives and that really serves us. 807 00:42:46,480 --> 00:42:48,520 Speaker 2: Do you think that that is a conversation that needs 808 00:42:48,520 --> 00:42:49,000 Speaker 2: to happen. 809 00:42:49,520 --> 00:42:51,440 Speaker 5: It's like what you said, like you said you took 810 00:42:51,480 --> 00:42:53,920 Speaker 5: a break from drinking. It's like, I know, I know 811 00:42:54,080 --> 00:42:56,600 Speaker 5: for me, like again, I'm sort of doing that time 812 00:42:56,600 --> 00:42:59,600 Speaker 5: and time again too, like giving it up because I 813 00:42:59,640 --> 00:43:03,560 Speaker 5: think like the line between sort of like choosing and using, 814 00:43:03,880 --> 00:43:07,720 Speaker 5: yeah is always like very It's like a very delicate dance. 815 00:43:08,520 --> 00:43:10,800 Speaker 5: And you can either like choose to have a drink, 816 00:43:11,000 --> 00:43:14,120 Speaker 5: choose to have a beautiful night of love making or whatever, 817 00:43:14,760 --> 00:43:18,960 Speaker 5: or you can be like using it to like escape 818 00:43:19,120 --> 00:43:20,280 Speaker 5: your own body. 819 00:43:20,719 --> 00:43:22,120 Speaker 4: Yep, you know what I mean. 820 00:43:22,320 --> 00:43:27,440 Speaker 5: Yes, And sort of like being able to more often 821 00:43:27,640 --> 00:43:30,359 Speaker 5: choose instead of use is like is at the end 822 00:43:30,360 --> 00:43:32,759 Speaker 5: of the day the hope you. 823 00:43:32,719 --> 00:43:34,640 Speaker 3: Know, love that choosing versus using. 824 00:43:35,000 --> 00:43:38,600 Speaker 2: So, if you're talking to the girl who created voiceover 825 00:43:38,880 --> 00:43:43,680 Speaker 2: the concept, now, how has that term and the whole 826 00:43:43,719 --> 00:43:47,840 Speaker 2: experience of being voice sober evolved over the last however 827 00:43:47,880 --> 00:43:49,320 Speaker 2: many months this has been. 828 00:43:50,000 --> 00:43:53,600 Speaker 5: Yeah, if I were to go back and sort of 829 00:43:53,719 --> 00:43:57,880 Speaker 5: talk to her, I would be like, don't care about 830 00:43:57,920 --> 00:44:02,160 Speaker 5: what anyone says, understand it is for you, and that 831 00:44:02,320 --> 00:44:05,160 Speaker 5: is something like I also wanted to get across for 832 00:44:05,239 --> 00:44:08,000 Speaker 5: other people too, And I think that's why the headline 833 00:44:08,000 --> 00:44:09,560 Speaker 5: that came out with the New York Times, like the 834 00:44:09,560 --> 00:44:10,520 Speaker 5: first headline about it. 835 00:44:10,560 --> 00:44:12,719 Speaker 4: I was so upset by it because. 836 00:44:12,400 --> 00:44:16,520 Speaker 5: Like we are the we are our own experts, and 837 00:44:16,600 --> 00:44:22,120 Speaker 5: like nobody knows your relationship to love and sex and 838 00:44:22,160 --> 00:44:26,279 Speaker 5: intimacy and romance like you do. And they're also like 839 00:44:27,000 --> 00:44:29,960 Speaker 5: so deeply personal and like we sort of talked about 840 00:44:30,000 --> 00:44:33,719 Speaker 5: in the beginning, like it depends on where you grew up, 841 00:44:34,120 --> 00:44:36,799 Speaker 5: what type of church you went to, what type of 842 00:44:37,360 --> 00:44:39,520 Speaker 5: second grade teacher you had, Like do you know what 843 00:44:39,560 --> 00:44:43,520 Speaker 5: I mean? Like all your history, all your history, like 844 00:44:43,880 --> 00:44:49,360 Speaker 5: your social personal history, Like is what is going to 845 00:44:49,480 --> 00:44:53,520 Speaker 5: like be important to focus on? Like I keep referencing 846 00:44:53,520 --> 00:44:56,279 Speaker 5: this book by Melissa Febo's The Dry Season, but she's 847 00:44:56,320 --> 00:44:58,399 Speaker 5: got like a list of questions in there that's just 848 00:44:58,440 --> 00:45:03,040 Speaker 5: like where I selfish? Where did I hurt people? Where 849 00:45:03,120 --> 00:45:06,719 Speaker 5: did I not make myself known? Like and like you 850 00:45:06,800 --> 00:45:09,040 Speaker 5: kind of have to answer all of these questions for 851 00:45:09,239 --> 00:45:13,839 Speaker 5: yourself and understand that like nobody else's journey is going 852 00:45:13,880 --> 00:45:15,120 Speaker 5: to look exactly like yours. 853 00:45:15,160 --> 00:45:16,759 Speaker 4: And that's a good thing, you. 854 00:45:16,640 --> 00:45:19,279 Speaker 2: Know, right, right, so no one else can carve your 855 00:45:19,280 --> 00:45:23,160 Speaker 2: path right totally. So if people are listening and they're 856 00:45:23,200 --> 00:45:25,040 Speaker 2: like I don't know if I want to go full 857 00:45:25,120 --> 00:45:28,120 Speaker 2: boy sober. What is totally thing that you would suggest 858 00:45:28,320 --> 00:45:30,839 Speaker 2: to prioritize in their life if they're feeling a little 859 00:45:30,840 --> 00:45:32,560 Speaker 2: bit of the itch but not wanting to go the 860 00:45:32,560 --> 00:45:33,000 Speaker 2: full way. 861 00:45:33,719 --> 00:45:38,000 Speaker 5: For me, every time I give something up, it's always 862 00:45:38,040 --> 00:45:40,920 Speaker 5: because I've gotten sick of myself, you. 863 00:45:40,880 --> 00:45:41,480 Speaker 3: Know what I mean. 864 00:45:41,840 --> 00:45:46,320 Speaker 5: I'm like, I'm like, I am so sick of wallowing 865 00:45:46,440 --> 00:45:50,360 Speaker 5: in the same shit, yea, being annoyed with the same shit, 866 00:45:50,800 --> 00:45:53,160 Speaker 5: being left on red by the same type of guy. 867 00:45:53,640 --> 00:45:54,359 Speaker 4: So maybe my. 868 00:45:54,360 --> 00:45:57,520 Speaker 5: Advice is just like let yourself get sick of yourself, 869 00:45:58,440 --> 00:46:01,920 Speaker 5: because you know what, like like sort of with my grandmother, 870 00:46:02,360 --> 00:46:06,280 Speaker 5: you can be stuck in a pattern or a habit 871 00:46:06,600 --> 00:46:11,680 Speaker 5: or a chase forever, and it's like, when you're ready, 872 00:46:11,719 --> 00:46:15,400 Speaker 5: you will be ready. But just like maybe it's just 873 00:46:15,440 --> 00:46:18,320 Speaker 5: like allow yourself to one day be ready and also 874 00:46:18,400 --> 00:46:22,799 Speaker 5: allow yourself to take it seriously. Like I think for 875 00:46:22,840 --> 00:46:25,879 Speaker 5: a long time, like giving up alcohol for a year 876 00:46:26,200 --> 00:46:27,040 Speaker 5: changed my life too. 877 00:46:27,080 --> 00:46:28,840 Speaker 4: I'm assuming it kind of changed your life. 878 00:46:28,920 --> 00:46:30,799 Speaker 3: It was great, one of the best, totally, Like. 879 00:46:30,880 --> 00:46:33,600 Speaker 4: Yeah, absolutely changed my life. 880 00:46:34,080 --> 00:46:37,279 Speaker 5: And I think it's like for a long time, I 881 00:46:37,360 --> 00:46:40,160 Speaker 5: knew I had a problem, but I didn't want to 882 00:46:40,200 --> 00:46:45,080 Speaker 5: admit it and maybe let yourself admit it that like 883 00:46:45,280 --> 00:46:48,000 Speaker 5: this is a bigger deal than you than you're letting 884 00:46:48,000 --> 00:46:52,120 Speaker 5: yourself believe. And like you're not a bad person for 885 00:46:52,280 --> 00:46:54,520 Speaker 5: admitting that, like something might have a little bit of 886 00:46:54,600 --> 00:46:59,839 Speaker 5: control over you. Again, you're totally human, and like are 887 00:47:00,040 --> 00:47:02,879 Speaker 5: systems are built to be dependent on shit? 888 00:47:03,040 --> 00:47:06,560 Speaker 4: Like it's so hard, yeah, totally, like. 889 00:47:07,239 --> 00:47:09,719 Speaker 5: You know, and so it's like maybe that it's like 890 00:47:09,800 --> 00:47:13,360 Speaker 5: if you're considering it, it's just like allow yourself to 891 00:47:13,360 --> 00:47:18,560 Speaker 5: take it seriously and then maybe like have the bravery 892 00:47:18,719 --> 00:47:20,279 Speaker 5: to just see. 893 00:47:20,000 --> 00:47:21,400 Speaker 4: What happens, you know. 894 00:47:21,640 --> 00:47:24,160 Speaker 5: And like I think like one of the best pieces 895 00:47:24,160 --> 00:47:26,360 Speaker 5: of advice and one of the things that does always 896 00:47:26,360 --> 00:47:30,040 Speaker 5: work for me is never to give myself a timeline. 897 00:47:30,640 --> 00:47:32,600 Speaker 5: Like every time I've given something up for like a 898 00:47:32,640 --> 00:47:35,920 Speaker 5: meaningful amount of time, it was because I was just 899 00:47:35,960 --> 00:47:38,960 Speaker 5: like I'm gonna give it up today. Yeah, I'm gonna 900 00:47:38,960 --> 00:47:41,120 Speaker 5: give it up today. Again, I'm gonna give it up 901 00:47:41,120 --> 00:47:42,520 Speaker 5: to day one more time, like you know what I mean. 902 00:47:42,560 --> 00:47:44,920 Speaker 5: And like again, I'm sort of in this moment of 903 00:47:45,000 --> 00:47:47,640 Speaker 5: like I've given up drinking and smoking weed and I'm 904 00:47:47,680 --> 00:47:52,319 Speaker 5: on like almost thirty days or something, and everybody keeps 905 00:47:52,320 --> 00:47:54,480 Speaker 5: asking me, how long are you gonna do this? And 906 00:47:54,560 --> 00:47:57,680 Speaker 5: I'm like, I have no idea because I think if, 907 00:47:57,760 --> 00:48:01,120 Speaker 5: like I give myself a timeline, you're just itching to 908 00:48:01,160 --> 00:48:02,279 Speaker 5: get to that finish line. 909 00:48:02,360 --> 00:48:03,240 Speaker 3: Totally agree. 910 00:48:03,600 --> 00:48:06,240 Speaker 5: Yeah, And it's like, don't give yourself a finish line, 911 00:48:06,280 --> 00:48:09,000 Speaker 5: and you know what, let yourself consider getting back in 912 00:48:09,040 --> 00:48:11,919 Speaker 5: the game if you want to. But just like, each time, 913 00:48:12,000 --> 00:48:15,920 Speaker 5: be honest with yourself, and each day, like and each moment, 914 00:48:16,040 --> 00:48:19,400 Speaker 5: be like, am I really ready to let myself go 915 00:48:19,560 --> 00:48:21,160 Speaker 5: back to what I was trying to fix? 916 00:48:21,800 --> 00:48:24,919 Speaker 3: I think that's a great, great tip. So well in there. 917 00:48:25,000 --> 00:48:27,320 Speaker 3: That was a perfect wrap up. But hope. 918 00:48:27,520 --> 00:48:31,439 Speaker 2: The podcast is called Boy Sober. It's on iHeartMedia, as 919 00:48:31,480 --> 00:48:33,080 Speaker 2: I told you, guys, and you can find it anywhere 920 00:48:33,120 --> 00:48:35,400 Speaker 2: you listen to podcasts. Where else can people keep up 921 00:48:35,440 --> 00:48:36,959 Speaker 2: with you if they're interested in keeping up guys. 922 00:48:37,680 --> 00:48:41,120 Speaker 5: I'm on Instagram at just hoping Along, so it's like 923 00:48:41,280 --> 00:48:42,680 Speaker 5: just hopping along, but one. 924 00:48:42,560 --> 00:48:46,400 Speaker 2: P really cute just hoping along. I will put that 925 00:48:46,440 --> 00:48:48,720 Speaker 2: as well in the description of this podcast. For you, guys, 926 00:48:48,760 --> 00:48:50,520 Speaker 2: thank you so much for being here and sharing your 927 00:48:50,520 --> 00:48:51,200 Speaker 2: story with us. 928 00:48:51,600 --> 00:48:53,640 Speaker 5: Thank you for having me. This was so much fun. 929 00:48:53,680 --> 00:48:56,239 Speaker 5: Thank you for just letting me yap. I'm like, I 930 00:48:56,360 --> 00:48:57,799 Speaker 5: just got to talk and talk and talk. 931 00:48:57,880 --> 00:48:58,319 Speaker 4: Thank you. 932 00:48:58,840 --> 00:49:02,480 Speaker 2: We like to do therapy on the podcast, so all right, 933 00:49:02,520 --> 00:49:03,920 Speaker 2: Thank you guys so much for listening. 934 00:49:04,640 --> 00:49:07,640 Speaker 1: Thanks for listening to The Velvet's Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson, 935 00:49:07,840 --> 00:49:10,319 Speaker 1: where we believe everyone has a little velvet in a 936 00:49:10,360 --> 00:49:14,520 Speaker 1: little edge. Subscribe for more conversations on life, style, beauty 937 00:49:14,560 --> 00:49:18,279 Speaker 1: and relationships. Search Velvet's Edge wherever you get your podcasts.