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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of Couch

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Speaker 1: Talks on You Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat.

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Speaker 1: I am the host. If you're new and don't know

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Speaker 1: what couch Talks is, it is the special bonus episode

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Speaker 1: of You Need Therapy where I answer questions that listeners

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Speaker 1: send to Katherine at therapy podcast dot com. Quick reminder

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Speaker 1: before we get into today's question that although this is

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Speaker 1: a podcast where I a therapist, answer your questions and

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Speaker 1: it's called You Need Therapy, it does not serve as

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Speaker 1: a replacement or a substitute for any actual mental health services.

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Speaker 1: But we always hope that these episodes can help you

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Speaker 1: in some way. Now, we usually do one question a week,

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Speaker 1: and we're gonna keep with that theme today. I always

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Speaker 1: keep them mononymous so you can feel safe sending in

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Speaker 1: your questions. I will say this email. I had two

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Speaker 1: questions and in it I'm gonna split it up. I'm

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Speaker 1: gonna do one today and one for another episode or

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Speaker 1: maybe even a full Monday episode because it's a question

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Speaker 1: I could talk about for many hours. So we're going

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Speaker 1: to get right into it. I'm going to read the question,

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Speaker 1: then we're going to chat about it. Hey, Kat, a

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Speaker 1: little backstory on how I discovered your podcast. From twenty

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Speaker 1: twenty to twenty twenty three, I had a severe eating

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Speaker 1: disorder and was anaaxic. I would run in the Arizona

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Speaker 1: heat for two hours straight, but that is when I

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Speaker 1: would listen to Outweigh by Amy Brown. Shout out you're

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Speaker 1: awesome to Amy. This of course led me to your podcast,

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Speaker 1: which I listened to during my drive to and from work.

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Speaker 1: Knowing your girl has a lot to work on, I've

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Speaker 1: begun therapy again because I am currently engaged to the

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Speaker 1: love of my life and am getting married in January

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Speaker 1: twenty twenty five. Yay. Also, congrats on your recent marriage.

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Speaker 1: I loved your episode about your honeymoon super enlightening. But

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Speaker 1: knowing I'm stepping into a season of truly becoming one

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Speaker 1: with another person, I am determined to work through my

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Speaker 1: little tea traumas that I know affect me and inherently

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Speaker 1: affect my relationship. There are two things I would love

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Speaker 1: to learn from you and hear your perspective on number one.

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Speaker 1: A few weeks ago, I took Amy Brown's advice and

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Speaker 1: gave myself a hug and expressed affirmations I typically seek

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Speaker 1: from others in order to help me feel better. I

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Speaker 1: then said, I love you, very quickly and sadly, realizing

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Speaker 1: I do not have genuine love for myself. While sad,

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Speaker 1: I am proud of the acknowledgment that I've spent my

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Speaker 1: life trying to be what everyone else wants that now

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Speaker 1: I know nothing about me. We love growth With this,

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Speaker 1: I was wondering, how would you advise someone to get

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Speaker 1: to know themselves and fall in love with themselves or

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Speaker 1: all that they are? Okay, I'm also going to save

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Speaker 1: I know. She said she had two questions. I'm going

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Speaker 1: to save the other one for another episode, like I

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Speaker 1: said before, So one, she's talking about something that Amy

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Speaker 1: talked about in a Fifth Thing episode from a couple

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Speaker 1: weeks ago. If you don't listen to that podcast. The

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Speaker 1: Fifth Thing is the Tuesday episode of Four Things with

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Speaker 1: Amy Brown that I co host with her, and it

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Speaker 1: was something that we talked about a little bit ago.

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Speaker 1: I don't know if she's talked about it in other

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Speaker 1: episodes as well, but I love that you attempted and

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Speaker 1: took that advice and tried that to see if it

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Speaker 1: was something that would be helpful for you. And I

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Speaker 1: also love that you took something from it unexpectedly, right, So, yeah,

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Speaker 1: you might've had this realization that, like, I don't know

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Speaker 1: that I have this genuine love for myself, but maybe

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Speaker 1: that's because I don't really know myself. So is it

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Speaker 1: possible to love somebody or something that you don't really

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Speaker 1: know much about. There's a lot of digging you can

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Speaker 1: do about where that came from and what that looks like,

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Speaker 1: and why it has been so important to show up

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Speaker 1: as somebody that everybody else or the person you thought

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Speaker 1: everybody else wanted you to be. This is something that

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Speaker 1: happens a lot, and it's not something that a lot

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Speaker 1: of people even realize, right, So we just go through

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Speaker 1: our lives thinking this is who I am, not knowing

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Speaker 1: that this is actually a person I curated in order

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Speaker 1: to meet the expectations that I imagine, most of the time,

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Speaker 1: imagine other people have for me. Sometimes it is explicit,

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Speaker 1: and people do have those expectations. But what a great

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Speaker 1: spot to be in, because now that you have this awareness,

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Speaker 1: you have this opportunity to actually create and become this

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Speaker 1: person that is all you like, one hundred percent you

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Speaker 1: and you might have already started doing that sounds like

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Speaker 1: you're on your way to do that, and so how

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Speaker 1: do I continue that process or even engage in that

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Speaker 1: process knowingly? This made me think of a friend of

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Speaker 1: mine that went to treatment a couple years after undergrad

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Speaker 1: and she actually went to undergrad to play a sport,

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Speaker 1: and during treatment she realized that she doesn't even like

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Speaker 1: the sport. That she literally based one of the biggest

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Speaker 1: decisions until that moment of her life on this sport,

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Speaker 1: and she's like, I don't really like this sport, which

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Speaker 1: is super interesting. So she had that realization, and I

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Speaker 1: think it also opened up a lot of understanding of

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Speaker 1: this thing has taken so much precedence in my life

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Speaker 1: and has been such a presence in my life that

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Speaker 1: it's soaked up so much space in room in my brain,

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Speaker 1: in my days, in my decisions, that I haven't really

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Speaker 1: explored all of these other things that might be more

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Speaker 1: meaningful to me. So after she went to treatment, she

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Speaker 1: made a commitment to herself because she had that same

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Speaker 1: kind of experience. I imagine you're having the listener that wrote

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Speaker 1: this is having, or I've spent my whole life living

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Speaker 1: up to this expectation that I don't even know what

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Speaker 1: I like. It can be from I don't even know

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Speaker 1: what my favorite food is to like, I don't even

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Speaker 1: know what my favorite color is. I don't know what

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Speaker 1: my style is like how I even want to dress

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Speaker 1: like all of these different things. So when she got

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Speaker 1: home from treatment, she made this commitment that every month,

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Speaker 1: I'm going to try something new. It could have been

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Speaker 1: every six weeks or every two months, but for a

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Speaker 1: period of time, every month she was going to try

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Speaker 1: something new. And she didn't have to keep doing that

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Speaker 1: new thing. She could do it, finish it and be

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Speaker 1: done with it, but she had to finish the commitment.

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Speaker 1: So if it was I'm going to try yoga, okay,

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Speaker 1: I'm going to buy a membership for thirty days and

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Speaker 1: I'm going to go for thirty days, and I can

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Speaker 1: keep going, or I can decide this isn't for me

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Speaker 1: and move on. She did things like watercolor classes, pottery classes, taekwondo,

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Speaker 1: improv classes, which some of those might have been longer

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Speaker 1: than the period of time too, there's flexibility in it.

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Speaker 1: But she tried all these different things, and the point

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Speaker 1: wasn't to necessarily find the hobby that I want to

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Speaker 1: do next. It was to learn about myself. So she

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Speaker 1: takes a pottery class. Maybe she decides she loves pottery

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Speaker 1: and she wants to keep doing pottery. But there's also

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Speaker 1: so much more space in that class to learn things

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Speaker 1: about yourself, right, to learn about what it's like to

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Speaker 1: try something new, to learn about what it's like to

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Speaker 1: be in an environment where everybody's a beginner, or maybe

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Speaker 1: when you're the only beginner, to know what it's like

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Speaker 1: to be around people who maybe are older than you,

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Speaker 1: to understand what it's like to try something from scratch,

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Speaker 1: to not be good at something. Maybe she learns that

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Speaker 1: she has this natural artistic ability and never would have

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Speaker 1: known that if she didn't go to this class. Or

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Speaker 1: maybe she learns about her patient's level, or things that

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Speaker 1: excite her things that don't excite her. So there's so

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Speaker 1: much in a pottery class outside of realizing if you

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Speaker 1: like pottery, you don't like pottery, And I think that

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Speaker 1: is such a good way to do exactly what you're

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Speaker 1: looking to do. How do I get to know myself

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Speaker 1: so I can love this person that I am and

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Speaker 1: understand this person that I am. You do things, You

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Speaker 1: just try things, and it doesn't have to be in

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Speaker 1: that same format. It doesn't have to be things that

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Speaker 1: cost money. It can be smaller ideas. You can say,

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Speaker 1: I want to go for a walk in silence for

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Speaker 1: thirty minutes twice a week for a month. It could

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Speaker 1: be I want to start doing crossword puzzles, or I

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Speaker 1: want it can be something very very simple, something it

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Speaker 1: doesn't cost a lot of money. A lot of the

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Speaker 1: things she did did come with price tags. But I

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Speaker 1: want to reiterate that it wasn't about the things she

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Speaker 1: was doing, rather what she was learning about herself. Because

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Speaker 1: maybe she goes to this pottery class and she learns

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Speaker 1: that she hates pottery, but she also learned she likes

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Speaker 1: working with her hands. Maybe she has a very steady hand,

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Speaker 1: Or maybe she learns that she has a lot of

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Speaker 1: patience that she noticed that other people in the class

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Speaker 1: maybe didn't have, so that leads her to something else.

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Speaker 1: Or maybe she learned that gosh, she really thrives in

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Speaker 1: environments where she gets to be the one that's learning, right.

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Speaker 1: I think a lot of times, as we age and

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Speaker 1: we grow up, we tell ourselves a story that as

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Speaker 1: we get older, there's less room for us to not

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Speaker 1: know things. There's less room for us to ask questions.

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Speaker 1: There's less room for us to be a beginner. One

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Speaker 1: of my favorite things in life is the ability to

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Speaker 1: be a beginner. I love being new at things, not

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Speaker 1: because I love trying new things, but I love the

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Speaker 1: freedom there is when you are new at something because

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Speaker 1: the expectations get to be dropped. How would I have

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Speaker 1: expectations to be good at this or know what to do,

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Speaker 1: or know the steps or x y Z if I've

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Speaker 1: never done this before. And you get to look to

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Speaker 1: other people to help and guide you. And what a

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Speaker 1: wonderful place to be as an adult, because as an adult,

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Speaker 1: we do have more responsibilities in certain areas. More people

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Speaker 1: are looking to us for guidance, and it is so

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Speaker 1: nice when we get to just like breathe and relax

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Speaker 1: and be the one that asked the question versus give

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Speaker 1: the answer. So I really like this idea of just

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Speaker 1: trying things. Maybe you keep a journal and you kind

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Speaker 1: of just write down thoughts you had or feelings you

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Speaker 1: had during that experience. You might also want to ask

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Speaker 1: yourself questions, and you can get a lot of different

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Speaker 1: journals that have prompts and questions in them. That's something

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Speaker 1: you can totally do, and the process of journaling might

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Speaker 1: just help you evoke some thought processes and just like

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Speaker 1: conversations with yourself that wouldn't come up naturally, you also

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Speaker 1: can just ask the questions that you would ask a friend.

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Speaker 1: In this email, you said, how do you advise somebody

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Speaker 1: to get to know themselves? Well, how do you get

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Speaker 1: to know a friend? Right you meet somebody, you start

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Speaker 1: asking questions and they might seem really service level at first, like, oh,

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Speaker 1: where did you grow up? Where'd you go to school?

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Speaker 1: What do you do for a living, what's your favorite

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Speaker 1: season of the year, like that kind of stuff, And

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Speaker 1: from those questions, deeper questions arise. So where did you

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Speaker 1: grow up? Oh did you like growing up there? What

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Speaker 1: was your favorite part about growing up? Or is your

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Speaker 1: least hairite part of growing up there? What's one of

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Speaker 1: your most memorable memories war it's one of your favorite

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Speaker 1: memories from elementary school? Or what's one of your the

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Speaker 1: toughest memories you've had. I just wonder what would have

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Speaker 1: happened in that conversation if you approached it the way

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Speaker 1: you would approach walking into a friendship with a new person.

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Speaker 1: Maybe you take yourself on a date. Part of this

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Speaker 1: trying something new thing might be to try different types

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Speaker 1: of food. Sometimes we don't even know what our favorite

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Speaker 1: type of food is, and so maybe you take yourself

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Speaker 1: on a date somewhere and try and try a new meal,

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Speaker 1: and during that meal, you kind of have a conversation

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Speaker 1: with yourself, maybe journaling the way you would do with

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Speaker 1: a friend. And it might sound really silly, and it

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Speaker 1: might sound weird or awkward, but also if you would

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Speaker 1: invest that time and space to have a conversation with

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Speaker 1: it makes sense for you to make space for you

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Speaker 1: to do that with yourself. So there's a lot of

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Speaker 1: ways you can approach that and attack that. I would

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Speaker 1: challenge you for the things if you'd decide to, like

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Speaker 1: I want to, okay, do the thing, or I do

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Speaker 1: something new every month for however long. I want to

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Speaker 1: challenge you to do things that you wouldn't automatically gravitate towards. Right.

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Speaker 1: So my friend that did this, when she told me

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Speaker 1: she was taking I think it was like a takewondo

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Speaker 1: class or something like that. I was like, huh, and

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Speaker 1: she was like, I know, this is nothing I would

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Speaker 1: ever imagine myself doing. But that's kind of the point.

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Speaker 1: I'm going to do things that yes appeal to me,

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Speaker 1: maybe like the watercolor class or the yoga or something

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Speaker 1: like that. But I'm also going to do things that

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Speaker 1: I never would have thought to do. And I think

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Speaker 1: that's really important because there are so many things that

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Speaker 1: I'm thinking about that right now for myself. There are

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Speaker 1: so many things I never would think to to do.

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Speaker 1: But it doesn't mean that I wouldn't like doing them

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Speaker 1: or I wouldn't learn something or gain something from doing them.

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Speaker 1: And so thinking outside of the box might be helpful

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Speaker 1: in multiple ways. And this process is just about finding

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Speaker 1: out what you don't like as much as you do.

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Speaker 1: It's just learning about you and these new experiences. So

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Speaker 1: really simple answer. You just do things. You try new

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Speaker 1: things and see what comes up, have conversations with yourself,

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Speaker 1: and you know, just like and I'm gonna say this,

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Speaker 1: it might be controversial, it might not be, because I

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Speaker 1: don't really think it is. I don't love everything about

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Speaker 1: all my friends. I mean I might not hate them,

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Speaker 1: I might not hate those things, but everything I learned

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Speaker 1: about my friend, I'm not like obsessed with some of it.

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Speaker 1: It's like, Okay, I feel kind of apathetic towards that

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Speaker 1: could take it or leave it. Some things I'm like, ooh,

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Speaker 1: that bothers me about that person, or I don't like

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Speaker 1: that about that person, But it doesn't mean I don't

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Speaker 1: like that person. And so as you discover yourself and

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Speaker 1: you learn about yourself and you're finding things that you

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Speaker 1: don't necessarily love, doesn't mean that you don't love the person. Right,

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Speaker 1: There's a difference with loving things about me or things

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Speaker 1: about people and loving that person. Because I will be

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Speaker 1: the first person to tell you there are things about

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Speaker 1: me I do not love. I would not put on

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Speaker 1: a billboard. So everybody could know these things or think

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Speaker 1: about these things when they think about me, and that

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Speaker 1: is the same for everybody. It doesn't mean that you

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Speaker 1: can't love yourself just because there's things you don't like,

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Speaker 1: and you don't always have to change the things you

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Speaker 1: don't like about yourself. There's plenty of stuff about me

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Speaker 1: that I don't like, but it also is an oppressing

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Speaker 1: issue for me to shift or change. It just comes

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Speaker 1: with the territory of being a human. So just give

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Speaker 1: yourself some grace in that space, because if you are

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Speaker 1: going to get to know yourself better. You're going to

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Speaker 1: find some darker spots too in there that aren't going

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Speaker 1: to be the most comfy and exciting to get to know.

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Speaker 1: Doesn't mean you can't still love yourself. That's not really

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Speaker 1: fair to you, and if that's how you relationships, it

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Speaker 1: wouldn't really be fair to the other people that you

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Speaker 1: are involved with either. So I just wanted to give

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Speaker 1: that little extra a bit there at the end. I

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Speaker 1: hope this was helpful and some way, I'm excited to

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Speaker 1: see and hear what you do, what that process is like.

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Speaker 1: If you do decide to do some of this, feel

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Speaker 1: free to send us an email and we can give

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Speaker 1: a little update to everybody about how you're doing. I

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Speaker 1: think that would be really fun. And I will get

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Speaker 1: to your other question soon because you said it was goofy.

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Speaker 1: I think it's so relatable and something that a lot

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Speaker 1: of people will probably get a kick out of and

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Speaker 1: also be like, oh my gosh, me too. Thank you

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Speaker 1: for asking this question. So for anybody else who has

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Speaker 1: a question, thought, feedback, anything, you can send that to

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Speaker 1: Katherine at you Need Therapy podcast dot com. If you

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Speaker 1: want to follow us at You Need Therapy Podcast if

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Speaker 1: you want to follow me at cat dot defoda and

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Speaker 1: if you want to check out our merch You Need

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Speaker 1: Therapy podcast dot com. If you want to check out

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Speaker 1: my therapy practice, three Chord Therapy dot com. That's where

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Speaker 1: you can find me in all my spaces. I hope

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Speaker 1: you guys have the day you need to have and

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Speaker 1: I will be back with you on Monday,