1 00:00:15,436 --> 00:00:24,756 Speaker 1: Pushkin, I'm going through a breakup right now, and so 2 00:00:25,076 --> 00:00:30,356 Speaker 1: that's there's regret in choosing to be together, and there's 3 00:00:30,396 --> 00:00:32,916 Speaker 1: regret and also choosing to be a part. We all 4 00:00:32,956 --> 00:00:35,156 Speaker 1: replay dumb things we did in the past. I think 5 00:00:35,156 --> 00:00:37,636 Speaker 1: a lot of my regrets comes from like school work. 6 00:00:37,876 --> 00:00:39,836 Speaker 1: Every school year comes around and I'm like, this year, 7 00:00:39,876 --> 00:00:41,756 Speaker 1: I'm going to do better, and then like I don't 8 00:00:42,196 --> 00:00:44,596 Speaker 1: or friend about the things we didn't do. I was 9 00:00:44,636 --> 00:00:46,716 Speaker 1: afraid to come out for a long time to my parents. 10 00:00:46,956 --> 00:00:49,996 Speaker 1: It was that fear of rejection, regardless of whether they 11 00:00:50,196 --> 00:00:54,316 Speaker 1: would have really rejected me. I was like hiding myself 12 00:00:54,356 --> 00:00:56,636 Speaker 1: for two other people. And that is something that I 13 00:00:56,676 --> 00:00:59,556 Speaker 1: regret a lot from time to time. Regret sets up 14 00:00:59,556 --> 00:01:02,356 Speaker 1: shop in all our heads. It makes us wonder about 15 00:01:02,356 --> 00:01:05,516 Speaker 1: what we could, should or would have done differently. I've 16 00:01:05,556 --> 00:01:07,756 Speaker 1: done a lot of mistakes, like I spend a lot 17 00:01:07,756 --> 00:01:10,276 Speaker 1: of money, I bade for a lot of people. I 18 00:01:10,356 --> 00:01:12,876 Speaker 1: got used by a lot of people, and I did 19 00:01:12,876 --> 00:01:16,196 Speaker 1: not know my words. Our feelings of regret mostly kind 20 00:01:16,196 --> 00:01:18,996 Speaker 1: of suck. We can experience it as a mild pang, 21 00:01:19,196 --> 00:01:22,876 Speaker 1: a sort of throbbing emotional toothache, but sometimes the anguish 22 00:01:22,876 --> 00:01:25,796 Speaker 1: of regret reduces us to tears or saddles us with 23 00:01:25,876 --> 00:01:29,556 Speaker 1: grief that lasts a lifetime. I was in a relationship 24 00:01:29,796 --> 00:01:32,916 Speaker 1: and it was very toxic. I should have put my 25 00:01:32,956 --> 00:01:35,996 Speaker 1: foot down away earlier, because now it kind of affects 26 00:01:35,996 --> 00:01:37,796 Speaker 1: me to this day, and it's just like then. I 27 00:01:37,796 --> 00:01:40,716 Speaker 1: could have prevented all of these feelings from happening if 28 00:01:40,756 --> 00:01:43,436 Speaker 1: I just would have left it in the beginning. And 29 00:01:43,476 --> 00:01:45,876 Speaker 1: so it's natural to fantasize about a life without this 30 00:01:45,956 --> 00:01:48,916 Speaker 1: painful emotion, to strive to be without the burn that 31 00:01:48,956 --> 00:01:52,756 Speaker 1: comes from looking back. I mean, who needs regrets? Hashtag 32 00:01:52,996 --> 00:01:55,876 Speaker 1: no regrets. I do not believe in regrets or have 33 00:01:55,956 --> 00:02:01,196 Speaker 1: any regrets of my life. My mistakes are me. But 34 00:02:01,356 --> 00:02:04,476 Speaker 1: it's the whole no regrets thing, really right? I mean, 35 00:02:04,596 --> 00:02:07,356 Speaker 1: could it be possible that embracing regret is the key 36 00:02:07,436 --> 00:02:12,156 Speaker 1: to living a better, more and even a happier life. 37 00:02:12,636 --> 00:02:14,676 Speaker 1: Our minds are constantly telling us what to do to 38 00:02:14,676 --> 00:02:17,236 Speaker 1: be happy. But what if our minds are wrong? What 39 00:02:17,316 --> 00:02:19,756 Speaker 1: if our minds are lying to us, leading us away 40 00:02:19,836 --> 00:02:22,476 Speaker 1: from what will really make us happy. The good news 41 00:02:22,556 --> 00:02:24,636 Speaker 1: is that understanding the science of the mind can poin 42 00:02:24,756 --> 00:02:27,556 Speaker 1: us all back in the right direction. You're listening to 43 00:02:27,596 --> 00:02:36,796 Speaker 1: the Happiness Lab with me, doctor Laurie Santos. Hey, I'm 44 00:02:36,836 --> 00:02:40,836 Speaker 1: Malcolm Glabo. Here's my regret. When I graduated from college, 45 00:02:40,876 --> 00:02:42,596 Speaker 1: I had this idea that I would spend a year 46 00:02:42,636 --> 00:02:45,436 Speaker 1: in Jamaica getting a graduate degree at the University of 47 00:02:45,436 --> 00:02:48,556 Speaker 1: West Indies. My instinct was that my early twenties with 48 00:02:48,716 --> 00:02:51,836 Speaker 1: a perfect moment to broaden my horizons, experience a new 49 00:02:51,876 --> 00:02:57,156 Speaker 1: culture and take a risk. Instead, I moved to Indiana. 50 00:02:57,236 --> 00:03:00,596 Speaker 1: Oh Man, I blew it. Life is full of choices, 51 00:03:01,076 --> 00:03:02,796 Speaker 1: forks in the road where we have to pick one 52 00:03:02,796 --> 00:03:06,196 Speaker 1: path or the other. Sometimes we make those decisions under 53 00:03:06,236 --> 00:03:09,436 Speaker 1: pressure or with incomplete information, or at times we're not 54 00:03:09,476 --> 00:03:13,636 Speaker 1: our calmest, most rational selves. And sometimes once we begin 55 00:03:13,676 --> 00:03:15,956 Speaker 1: to regret the path we've taken, it's too late to 56 00:03:15,996 --> 00:03:19,196 Speaker 1: turn around. That's how it was for author and illustrator 57 00:03:19,316 --> 00:03:22,716 Speaker 1: Liz Vassiline is the child of European immigrants. Liz spend 58 00:03:22,716 --> 00:03:24,516 Speaker 1: a lot of her youth traveling back and forth to 59 00:03:24,596 --> 00:03:27,436 Speaker 1: visit relatives. I just have a lot of happy childhood 60 00:03:27,436 --> 00:03:29,196 Speaker 1: memories there, and it felt like a link to this 61 00:03:29,236 --> 00:03:31,356 Speaker 1: bigger family that I don't feel that I have at 62 00:03:31,356 --> 00:03:34,356 Speaker 1: the US, but with families, it's not always vacations and 63 00:03:34,396 --> 00:03:39,636 Speaker 1: holiday get togethers. There are sometimes emergencies and bereavements. So 64 00:03:39,836 --> 00:03:42,756 Speaker 1: my grandmother died when I was in my early twenties, 65 00:03:42,836 --> 00:03:46,116 Speaker 1: and my mom, who rarely shows emotion or asks for much, 66 00:03:46,556 --> 00:03:49,116 Speaker 1: asked me to go with her to pack up the house. 67 00:03:49,956 --> 00:03:52,996 Speaker 1: Liz dropped everything right, I mean, she wasn't going to 68 00:03:53,116 --> 00:03:55,476 Speaker 1: let down her mom at the very moment she needed 69 00:03:55,476 --> 00:03:59,396 Speaker 1: her presence and support the most. And I said no. 70 00:04:00,316 --> 00:04:02,956 Speaker 1: Liz had just landed a great new consulting job, a 71 00:04:03,036 --> 00:04:05,676 Speaker 1: position she'd badly wanted and had worked hard to win. 72 00:04:06,196 --> 00:04:08,196 Speaker 1: I was like, I have so much going on at work. 73 00:04:08,276 --> 00:04:11,076 Speaker 1: I just can't take two weeks off for an international trip. 74 00:04:11,476 --> 00:04:13,716 Speaker 1: It's just too much for me to take on right now. 75 00:04:14,356 --> 00:04:17,316 Speaker 1: And so Lizza's mom flew across the Atlantic to deal 76 00:04:17,356 --> 00:04:20,676 Speaker 1: with the death of her mother all alone. Decades later, 77 00:04:20,956 --> 00:04:25,116 Speaker 1: that decision still causes Liz tremendous anguish, Like even now, 78 00:04:25,116 --> 00:04:27,636 Speaker 1: I'm like starting to get tears in my eyes because 79 00:04:27,676 --> 00:04:30,556 Speaker 1: I think of my mom alone on this eight hour 80 00:04:30,636 --> 00:04:33,756 Speaker 1: plane ride to go pack up, like her childhood and 81 00:04:33,836 --> 00:04:37,636 Speaker 1: my childhood and our link to our family, though painful 82 00:04:37,756 --> 00:04:40,956 Speaker 1: regrets like these are a creative spur for Liz. Along 83 00:04:40,956 --> 00:04:43,756 Speaker 1: with author Mollys Duffy, she's part of a duo non 84 00:04:43,796 --> 00:04:46,956 Speaker 1: online as Lizz and Molly. They're responsible for a popular 85 00:04:46,996 --> 00:04:49,796 Speaker 1: Instagram feed of illustrations that show how we can deal 86 00:04:49,836 --> 00:04:52,636 Speaker 1: with all kinds of painful feelings, the types of things 87 00:04:52,636 --> 00:04:55,956 Speaker 1: that we too often keep to ourselves. There's just so much, 88 00:04:56,116 --> 00:04:58,396 Speaker 1: especially when we talk about big feelings that all of 89 00:04:58,476 --> 00:05:01,196 Speaker 1: us are experiencing on a daily basis that we don't 90 00:05:01,236 --> 00:05:03,556 Speaker 1: share with people. I'm a huge fan of Lizz and 91 00:05:03,556 --> 00:05:06,796 Speaker 1: Molly's work. I share their simple yet powerful cartoons with 92 00:05:06,836 --> 00:05:09,836 Speaker 1: my students all the time. They're not just poignant, clever 93 00:05:09,876 --> 00:05:13,036 Speaker 1: and funny, they also include lots of science backtips for 94 00:05:13,116 --> 00:05:16,316 Speaker 1: dealing with those big feelings. So you can imagine my 95 00:05:16,356 --> 00:05:18,636 Speaker 1: excitement when I heard that the duo we're also putting 96 00:05:18,636 --> 00:05:21,476 Speaker 1: out a new book. It's called Big Feelings, How to 97 00:05:21,516 --> 00:05:24,196 Speaker 1: Be Okay When Things Are Not Okay. The book gives 98 00:05:24,236 --> 00:05:27,676 Speaker 1: advice for navigating seven of our most painful negative emotions. 99 00:05:28,316 --> 00:05:32,436 Speaker 1: The usual emotional culprits things like sadness, anger, and even burnout, 100 00:05:32,956 --> 00:05:35,516 Speaker 1: but there's also one that doesn't get as much attention 101 00:05:35,996 --> 00:05:39,716 Speaker 1: you guessed it. Regret research shows that it's one of 102 00:05:39,756 --> 00:05:42,476 Speaker 1: the most common emotions that people feel. I think it's 103 00:05:42,516 --> 00:05:46,196 Speaker 1: after love or something like that. Some studies estimate that 104 00:05:46,276 --> 00:05:49,556 Speaker 1: over ninety percent of people report having severe regret about 105 00:05:49,596 --> 00:05:52,516 Speaker 1: some decision they've made in their lives. Over ninety percent 106 00:05:52,556 --> 00:05:56,236 Speaker 1: of people. That's basically everyone. And yet one of the 107 00:05:56,276 --> 00:05:59,476 Speaker 1: misconceptions about regret is that it's actually even possible for 108 00:05:59,556 --> 00:06:02,476 Speaker 1: us to live that hashtag no regrets life. It's just 109 00:06:02,516 --> 00:06:05,876 Speaker 1: a completely inaccurate view of the world. There is no 110 00:06:06,036 --> 00:06:09,116 Speaker 1: life in which you will have no regrets. A second 111 00:06:09,156 --> 00:06:12,876 Speaker 1: misconception goes something like this, Okay, so maybe I can't 112 00:06:12,876 --> 00:06:17,156 Speaker 1: have a perfectly hashtag no regrets existence, but I'd definitely 113 00:06:17,196 --> 00:06:19,916 Speaker 1: be able to have a hashtag mostly no regrets life 114 00:06:20,116 --> 00:06:22,716 Speaker 1: if only I could get everything I want. We assume 115 00:06:22,756 --> 00:06:24,636 Speaker 1: that if we had the perfect job, in a swanky 116 00:06:24,676 --> 00:06:28,036 Speaker 1: house and an amazing partner, we'd never experience that painful 117 00:06:28,036 --> 00:06:31,076 Speaker 1: twinge of what if. But this too, is a spot 118 00:06:31,116 --> 00:06:33,236 Speaker 1: where our minds are lying to us, and part of 119 00:06:33,236 --> 00:06:36,356 Speaker 1: that is because you can only choose one life, even 120 00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:39,636 Speaker 1: if your current life path is mostly awesome. There's probably 121 00:06:39,876 --> 00:06:41,996 Speaker 1: something great out there in the universe that you're not 122 00:06:42,036 --> 00:06:44,676 Speaker 1: going to get a chance to experience another fork in 123 00:06:44,716 --> 00:06:47,556 Speaker 1: the road you could have chosen but didn't. And sometimes 124 00:06:47,596 --> 00:06:50,316 Speaker 1: we can't help but regret not taking it. And we 125 00:06:50,356 --> 00:06:53,396 Speaker 1: also have a tendency to put on rose colored glasses 126 00:06:53,476 --> 00:06:56,796 Speaker 1: when we consider that alternate path, especially in moments when 127 00:06:57,196 --> 00:07:00,196 Speaker 1: our current reality is a little harder. I feel like 128 00:07:00,196 --> 00:07:02,756 Speaker 1: we have a lot to learn about regret, so I 129 00:07:02,796 --> 00:07:05,836 Speaker 1: decided to call in an expert. My name is Daniel Pink. 130 00:07:05,876 --> 00:07:08,156 Speaker 1: I'm the author of the Power of Regret, How looking 131 00:07:08,196 --> 00:07:11,556 Speaker 1: backward Moves Us forward. Daniel developed what he calls the 132 00:07:11,636 --> 00:07:15,036 Speaker 1: World Regret Survey, which collected the experiences of tens of 133 00:07:15,076 --> 00:07:18,436 Speaker 1: thousands of people for more than a hundred countries. It's 134 00:07:18,476 --> 00:07:21,756 Speaker 1: one of the largest databases of regrets ever. With all 135 00:07:21,796 --> 00:07:24,156 Speaker 1: that data to draw on, I was hoping that Daniel 136 00:07:24,196 --> 00:07:26,276 Speaker 1: could give us a bit of a crash course on regret, 137 00:07:26,756 --> 00:07:29,396 Speaker 1: starting with a definition. I think one way to start 138 00:07:29,436 --> 00:07:31,196 Speaker 1: is that a regret is an emotion, and is an 139 00:07:31,196 --> 00:07:33,996 Speaker 1: emotion that makes us feel bad, and it's a motion 140 00:07:34,076 --> 00:07:37,996 Speaker 1: that arises from I think some really fascinating and interesting 141 00:07:38,836 --> 00:07:42,636 Speaker 1: powers of our brain. Regret requires a few complicated and 142 00:07:42,716 --> 00:07:46,236 Speaker 1: possibly unique cognitive abilities. The first of these is the 143 00:07:46,276 --> 00:07:51,076 Speaker 1: ability to accept blame. Unlike other negative emotions, like say, disappointment, 144 00:07:51,476 --> 00:07:55,836 Speaker 1: regret requires agency. We can only regret stuff that we caused. 145 00:07:56,636 --> 00:08:01,196 Speaker 1: You experience a regret because it's your fault. Regret also 146 00:08:01,236 --> 00:08:04,436 Speaker 1: requires the capacity to time travel. Regret forces us to 147 00:08:04,476 --> 00:08:06,916 Speaker 1: hop in a mental time machine and travel back to 148 00:08:06,956 --> 00:08:09,876 Speaker 1: some remembered event of the past, and once we get there, 149 00:08:10,036 --> 00:08:12,956 Speaker 1: our brains engage in a third impressive cognitive feat what 150 00:08:13,116 --> 00:08:18,196 Speaker 1: Daniel calls fabulism. We imagine making a different decision than 151 00:08:18,236 --> 00:08:21,356 Speaker 1: we actually made. And then what's even more crazy is 152 00:08:21,436 --> 00:08:25,156 Speaker 1: that we negate that experience. We get back in our 153 00:08:25,196 --> 00:08:28,316 Speaker 1: time machine. We arrived back in the present, and we 154 00:08:28,396 --> 00:08:31,196 Speaker 1: now see a present that has reconfigured because of this 155 00:08:31,316 --> 00:08:34,036 Speaker 1: decision that we've undone in the past. And that's the 156 00:08:34,116 --> 00:08:37,716 Speaker 1: final cognitive superpower we engage in when feeling regret. What's 157 00:08:37,756 --> 00:08:42,076 Speaker 1: known as counterfactual thinking. We create a new, completely imaginary 158 00:08:42,116 --> 00:08:45,236 Speaker 1: timeline that runs counter to the facts. And there are 159 00:08:45,236 --> 00:08:48,356 Speaker 1: two kinds of counterfactual thinking. One of them is known 160 00:08:48,356 --> 00:08:52,036 Speaker 1: as a downward counterfactual, So that is we imagine how 161 00:08:52,076 --> 00:08:55,956 Speaker 1: things could have been worse. Downward counterfactuals often involved the 162 00:08:55,996 --> 00:08:59,196 Speaker 1: phrase well at least, So let's say you miss your 163 00:08:59,236 --> 00:09:01,756 Speaker 1: morning flight because you spent too long getting ready, You 164 00:09:01,836 --> 00:09:05,316 Speaker 1: might engage in a downward counterfactual and say things like, well, 165 00:09:05,516 --> 00:09:07,956 Speaker 1: at least there was a later flight, or well, at 166 00:09:07,996 --> 00:09:12,156 Speaker 1: least I didn't miss my Downward counterfactuals help us remember 167 00:09:12,276 --> 00:09:14,876 Speaker 1: that it could have been worse. They usually make us 168 00:09:14,916 --> 00:09:20,196 Speaker 1: feel better, but less hopefully. We also engage in upward counterfactuals, 169 00:09:20,876 --> 00:09:23,956 Speaker 1: which is got you imagine things could have been better. 170 00:09:24,756 --> 00:09:28,676 Speaker 1: Upward counterfactuals make us say, if only, if only I 171 00:09:28,716 --> 00:09:31,156 Speaker 1: had spent a year in Jamaica, if only I had 172 00:09:31,156 --> 00:09:33,716 Speaker 1: helped my mom when she needed me, if only I 173 00:09:33,756 --> 00:09:36,716 Speaker 1: had done this thing or that thing differently, then everything 174 00:09:36,756 --> 00:09:38,956 Speaker 1: now would be so much better. I kind of regret 175 00:09:38,996 --> 00:09:41,316 Speaker 1: going to college. I might have like ended up, I 176 00:09:41,316 --> 00:09:45,596 Speaker 1: don't know, working on a flower farm. Upward counterfactuals convince 177 00:09:45,636 --> 00:09:48,596 Speaker 1: us that we've totally screwed things up. They kind of 178 00:09:48,676 --> 00:09:51,996 Speaker 1: make us feel like crap, and sadly they also dominate 179 00:09:52,036 --> 00:09:55,796 Speaker 1: our thoughts because I'm a lawyer, but it would have 180 00:09:55,796 --> 00:10:00,076 Speaker 1: been nice to find something that I'm passionate about an actress, 181 00:10:00,196 --> 00:10:02,436 Speaker 1: a science teacher, or I'm going to be a doctor 182 00:10:02,476 --> 00:10:06,436 Speaker 1: because I love health, nutrition kind of stuff. Researchers have 183 00:10:06,516 --> 00:10:08,436 Speaker 1: looked at how often we use each of these two 184 00:10:08,516 --> 00:10:13,036 Speaker 1: kinds of count factuals, those painful if only counterfactuals. They 185 00:10:13,076 --> 00:10:15,836 Speaker 1: beat out the nicer feeling of at least counterfactuals more 186 00:10:15,836 --> 00:10:18,636 Speaker 1: than eighty percent of the time. We are biased, on 187 00:10:18,716 --> 00:10:21,636 Speaker 1: this case toward the negative. We're a biased toward the 188 00:10:21,996 --> 00:10:25,916 Speaker 1: upward counterfactual, toward the if onlies. I think the interesting 189 00:10:25,996 --> 00:10:28,876 Speaker 1: thing here, as we try to sort out the puzzle is, 190 00:10:29,036 --> 00:10:32,116 Speaker 1: you know, why would we do that? Why would we 191 00:10:32,156 --> 00:10:35,196 Speaker 1: be prone to do something that makes us feel worse? 192 00:10:35,356 --> 00:10:38,436 Speaker 1: And so there must be something about this that confers 193 00:10:38,436 --> 00:10:41,676 Speaker 1: a benefit. There must be something about this that is adaptive. 194 00:10:42,476 --> 00:10:47,076 Speaker 1: So becoming happier must involve banishing those negative if onlies. Right, Well, 195 00:10:47,276 --> 00:10:49,876 Speaker 1: Daniel argues that wouldn't be such a smart thing to do. 196 00:10:50,276 --> 00:10:53,116 Speaker 1: I'm all for positivity, right, I'm all for positive emotions. 197 00:10:53,196 --> 00:10:55,356 Speaker 1: But here's the thing. I don't want to have only 198 00:10:55,396 --> 00:11:00,836 Speaker 1: positive emotions because negative emotions serve a function. I think 199 00:11:00,836 --> 00:11:03,996 Speaker 1: that no regrets. The philosophy of no regrets. That you 200 00:11:04,036 --> 00:11:06,676 Speaker 1: should never look backward, you should always look forward, never 201 00:11:06,756 --> 00:11:11,716 Speaker 1: be negative, always be positive is a profoundly bad idea. 202 00:11:11,916 --> 00:11:15,756 Speaker 1: I think it is an unhealthy recipe for living. I 203 00:11:15,836 --> 00:11:18,556 Speaker 1: think what we have to do is actually use our 204 00:11:18,596 --> 00:11:22,876 Speaker 1: regrets as information, as signal, as data, not ignore them, 205 00:11:23,156 --> 00:11:26,516 Speaker 1: not wallowing them, but use them to help clarify what 206 00:11:26,596 --> 00:11:28,916 Speaker 1: we value and instruct us on how to live better. 207 00:11:29,756 --> 00:11:31,796 Speaker 1: When we get back from the break, we'll explore just 208 00:11:31,876 --> 00:11:33,756 Speaker 1: how we can use these if onlies to live a 209 00:11:33,796 --> 00:11:36,196 Speaker 1: better life. We'll see that regret can be a critical 210 00:11:36,236 --> 00:11:39,036 Speaker 1: signpost for the version of ourselves that we most want 211 00:11:39,036 --> 00:11:41,316 Speaker 1: to be, and we'll see that if we better understand 212 00:11:41,356 --> 00:11:44,156 Speaker 1: that ideal self, we can start to use this painful 213 00:11:44,156 --> 00:11:48,036 Speaker 1: emotion to live a healthier, happier and more authentic life. 214 00:11:48,476 --> 00:11:59,676 Speaker 1: That being a lab We'll be right back. I'm Maya Shunker, 215 00:11:59,796 --> 00:12:02,196 Speaker 1: host of a slight change of Plans. When I was 216 00:12:02,236 --> 00:12:04,836 Speaker 1: around eleven years old, at summer music camp, I had 217 00:12:04,876 --> 00:12:09,596 Speaker 1: the biggest crush on another violinist, Shinsaka Sato. He was cute, 218 00:12:09,716 --> 00:12:13,316 Speaker 1: a total violent prodigy, and was really funny too. I 219 00:12:13,316 --> 00:12:15,676 Speaker 1: thought maybe he liked me as well, but I could 220 00:12:15,676 --> 00:12:18,596 Speaker 1: never tell for sure. One day, a mutual friend of 221 00:12:18,596 --> 00:12:21,996 Speaker 1: ours just asked me, point blank, Hey, do you like Shinseka. 222 00:12:22,196 --> 00:12:25,236 Speaker 1: I think he might like you. Shinseka was an ear shot, 223 00:12:25,356 --> 00:12:28,156 Speaker 1: and I remember seeing him lightly smile in response to 224 00:12:28,196 --> 00:12:31,676 Speaker 1: her question. But even with that affirmation, I was too 225 00:12:31,756 --> 00:12:36,036 Speaker 1: embarrassed and said no, he could have been my summer boyfriend. 226 00:12:36,076 --> 00:12:38,836 Speaker 1: That I was too much of a wimp, and it 227 00:12:38,836 --> 00:12:41,196 Speaker 1: took me until I was nineteen to actually have my 228 00:12:41,236 --> 00:12:44,236 Speaker 1: first boyfriend. How different things could have been for me. 229 00:12:45,276 --> 00:12:48,196 Speaker 1: Regrets can feel so troubling that we'd move mountains to 230 00:12:48,316 --> 00:12:51,076 Speaker 1: change things, like I would give a lot, a lot 231 00:12:51,396 --> 00:12:53,596 Speaker 1: of money to go back and make a different decision. 232 00:12:54,396 --> 00:12:57,236 Speaker 1: Liz Fossiline still hurts when she reflects on her grandmother's 233 00:12:57,236 --> 00:13:00,076 Speaker 1: death and not being there for her grieving mother, but 234 00:13:00,196 --> 00:13:03,036 Speaker 1: Liz argues that experiencing the painful, big feelings that come 235 00:13:03,036 --> 00:13:05,876 Speaker 1: with regret have helped her to learn what really matters 236 00:13:05,876 --> 00:13:09,636 Speaker 1: in life, remembering how painful it was, or it wasn't 237 00:13:09,636 --> 00:13:12,476 Speaker 1: just regret. It was pain, it was shame, it was guilt, 238 00:13:12,516 --> 00:13:15,596 Speaker 1: It was all these sort of really really thorny, difficult 239 00:13:15,636 --> 00:13:19,316 Speaker 1: feelings that were welling inside me. But that really really 240 00:13:19,356 --> 00:13:23,116 Speaker 1: clarified the decisions I wanted to make going forward. Liz 241 00:13:23,116 --> 00:13:25,476 Speaker 1: tackled this idea in a recent Liz and Molly comic 242 00:13:25,516 --> 00:13:29,316 Speaker 1: on Instagram. In it, a tiny, dejected looking figure looks 243 00:13:29,316 --> 00:13:33,036 Speaker 1: regretfully back into the past, but another similar figure turns 244 00:13:33,076 --> 00:13:35,636 Speaker 1: to the future and asks, what if I do things 245 00:13:35,676 --> 00:13:38,716 Speaker 1: differently from now on. Lizz and Molly then quote the 246 00:13:38,756 --> 00:13:42,276 Speaker 1: author Augustin Burrows, to live in regret and change nothing 247 00:13:42,316 --> 00:13:44,556 Speaker 1: else in your life is to miss the entire point, 248 00:13:45,476 --> 00:13:47,596 Speaker 1: and the science shows that this is one of the 249 00:13:47,596 --> 00:13:50,196 Speaker 1: big benefits of being a creature that can feel regret. 250 00:13:50,676 --> 00:13:53,356 Speaker 1: Our regrets can help us to better understand the kind 251 00:13:53,396 --> 00:13:55,916 Speaker 1: of people we want to be, even if we're not 252 00:13:55,956 --> 00:13:59,156 Speaker 1: currently living up to those standards. Just as our brains 253 00:13:59,156 --> 00:14:03,756 Speaker 1: are good at simulating imaginary counterfactual situations, say asking out 254 00:14:03,756 --> 00:14:06,276 Speaker 1: that person we liked but never spoke to we're going 255 00:14:06,316 --> 00:14:09,036 Speaker 1: to graduate school in the Caribbean rather than working in Indiana, 256 00:14:09,676 --> 00:14:13,876 Speaker 1: so too can our brains simulate imaginary counterfactual versions of ourselves. 257 00:14:14,596 --> 00:14:16,796 Speaker 1: When I'm having a tough day as a professor, I 258 00:14:16,876 --> 00:14:19,396 Speaker 1: might simulate a version of Laurie who's an astronaut or 259 00:14:19,436 --> 00:14:23,156 Speaker 1: a veterinarian or a beach bum. Perhaps more usefully, I 260 00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:25,716 Speaker 1: can also simulate a better version of Laurie, who doesn't 261 00:14:25,716 --> 00:14:28,316 Speaker 1: skip her workouts, who never spends too much time on 262 00:14:28,356 --> 00:14:32,156 Speaker 1: social media, and who always gets enough sleep. Research has 263 00:14:32,156 --> 00:14:34,516 Speaker 1: found that paying attention to the different kinds of better 264 00:14:34,516 --> 00:14:37,276 Speaker 1: selves we simulate can help us to make choices that 265 00:14:37,316 --> 00:14:41,196 Speaker 1: could ultimately make us happier. Back in the nineteen eighties, 266 00:14:41,276 --> 00:14:45,116 Speaker 1: Columbia University psychologist Tory Higgins proposed an idea he called 267 00:14:45,236 --> 00:14:49,156 Speaker 1: self discrepancy theory. It started from the observation that people 268 00:14:49,196 --> 00:14:52,196 Speaker 1: tend to compare their real, actual self to two very 269 00:14:52,236 --> 00:14:55,276 Speaker 1: different kinds of model selves. The first is what he 270 00:14:55,316 --> 00:14:58,396 Speaker 1: called the ideal self. Your ideal self is the truest, 271 00:14:58,476 --> 00:15:02,236 Speaker 1: most authentic version of you. Ideal you ignores what society 272 00:15:02,276 --> 00:15:06,036 Speaker 1: says and fearlessly shoots for all your hopes, dreams, and aspirations. 273 00:15:06,916 --> 00:15:09,796 Speaker 1: Liz knew exactly what her ideal self wanted. So this 274 00:15:10,036 --> 00:15:13,316 Speaker 1: is the career that makes you come alive, versus the 275 00:15:13,476 --> 00:15:16,916 Speaker 1: career that you feel pressured to pursue. But we also 276 00:15:16,956 --> 00:15:21,876 Speaker 1: fanticize about a second counterfactual self, the aught self. The 277 00:15:21,956 --> 00:15:25,356 Speaker 1: aught self is all about duty, obligation and doing what's 278 00:15:25,356 --> 00:15:29,996 Speaker 1: expected of you. So for me, that is being a doctor. 279 00:15:30,356 --> 00:15:33,076 Speaker 1: My parents were both immigrants, academics, it was very much 280 00:15:33,116 --> 00:15:37,196 Speaker 1: like doctor banker, lawyer. That is success. My own aut 281 00:15:37,236 --> 00:15:39,876 Speaker 1: self is a me that never takes a break. That 282 00:15:39,956 --> 00:15:42,716 Speaker 1: Laurie is a perfectionist who is a perfect body and 283 00:15:42,836 --> 00:15:47,036 Speaker 1: great clothes and a flawlessly clean house. But ideal Laurie 284 00:15:47,196 --> 00:15:50,836 Speaker 1: has a completely different set of aspirations. Ideal Laurie does 285 00:15:50,876 --> 00:15:52,636 Speaker 1: want to do good work in the world, but she 286 00:15:52,676 --> 00:15:55,196 Speaker 1: also wants to take care of herself and live her dreams. 287 00:15:55,636 --> 00:15:59,956 Speaker 1: And the aught self an ideal self sometimes require you 288 00:15:59,996 --> 00:16:03,316 Speaker 1: to pick two very different paths. When Lizza's grandmother died 289 00:16:03,396 --> 00:16:06,196 Speaker 1: far away across the ocean, ideal is an aut Liz 290 00:16:06,276 --> 00:16:09,516 Speaker 1: clashed about what to do next. Lizza's ideal self would 291 00:16:09,516 --> 00:16:12,236 Speaker 1: have hands down risk upsetting her new bosses to help 292 00:16:12,276 --> 00:16:14,756 Speaker 1: her mom in that moment of grief. The ideal self 293 00:16:14,876 --> 00:16:16,836 Speaker 1: is someone who shows up for the people that I 294 00:16:16,876 --> 00:16:20,316 Speaker 1: care about in the moments that really matter. But her 295 00:16:20,596 --> 00:16:23,796 Speaker 1: self went out. Rather than following her heart and going 296 00:16:23,796 --> 00:16:27,236 Speaker 1: to the airport, she headed to the office. I really 297 00:16:27,316 --> 00:16:30,756 Speaker 1: felt like I could not fail, especially early on in 298 00:16:30,796 --> 00:16:33,596 Speaker 1: this job, otherwise it would ruin my career forever. And 299 00:16:33,676 --> 00:16:37,356 Speaker 1: looking back now, I totally understand that that was ridiculous, 300 00:16:37,396 --> 00:16:40,156 Speaker 1: catastrophic thinking. And there are many examples of this in 301 00:16:40,236 --> 00:16:42,796 Speaker 1: my early twenty like I cannot believe some of the 302 00:16:42,836 --> 00:16:45,436 Speaker 1: things I did, Like the time Liz passed out and 303 00:16:45,476 --> 00:16:48,316 Speaker 1: spent the night in the hospital. The next morning, her 304 00:16:48,356 --> 00:16:50,396 Speaker 1: aut self convinced her that she needed to go to 305 00:16:50,396 --> 00:16:54,476 Speaker 1: work anyway. And I looked terrible, and my boss asked 306 00:16:54,516 --> 00:16:56,876 Speaker 1: what had happened, and I briefly mentioned that I had 307 00:16:56,876 --> 00:16:58,796 Speaker 1: been in the er, and he just stared at me 308 00:16:58,836 --> 00:17:02,036 Speaker 1: and was like, you need to go home. It's not 309 00:17:02,156 --> 00:17:04,156 Speaker 1: okay that you are here. But again it was a 310 00:17:04,236 --> 00:17:07,076 Speaker 1: similar compulsion of like I have to be present, I 311 00:17:07,116 --> 00:17:09,596 Speaker 1: have to be showing up. So, given we have these 312 00:17:09,596 --> 00:17:13,036 Speaker 1: two different imaginary versions of ourselves on our shoulders, each 313 00:17:13,076 --> 00:17:16,476 Speaker 1: screaming different things, which one should we listen to? Well, 314 00:17:16,636 --> 00:17:19,756 Speaker 1: Tory Higgins found that ignoring either of these voices doesn't 315 00:17:19,756 --> 00:17:22,396 Speaker 1: feel great in the short term. If Liz had flown 316 00:17:22,396 --> 00:17:24,756 Speaker 1: to Europe, she'd probably have worried about her job as 317 00:17:24,796 --> 00:17:27,716 Speaker 1: soon as the airplane left the tarmac. But research shows 318 00:17:27,716 --> 00:17:30,076 Speaker 1: that When it comes to long term regrets, the severe 319 00:17:30,156 --> 00:17:33,396 Speaker 1: kind that give us anguish years after the fact, they're 320 00:17:33,476 --> 00:17:35,756 Speaker 1: much more likely to stem from ignoring the person we 321 00:17:35,836 --> 00:17:39,476 Speaker 1: ideally want to be. If you pursue the path that 322 00:17:39,556 --> 00:17:41,876 Speaker 1: brings you closer to your ideal self, you tend to 323 00:17:41,916 --> 00:17:44,956 Speaker 1: be happier. But if confronted with, hey, this is the 324 00:17:45,076 --> 00:17:48,956 Speaker 1: job that really sings to my soul versus this is 325 00:17:48,956 --> 00:17:51,516 Speaker 1: the job that everyone has expected me to take, but 326 00:17:51,636 --> 00:17:53,796 Speaker 1: the thought of taking it actually fills me with a 327 00:17:53,876 --> 00:17:57,916 Speaker 1: deep existential dread. You should go with the ideal self job. 328 00:17:58,876 --> 00:18:01,076 Speaker 1: It may sound grim, but people at the very end 329 00:18:01,076 --> 00:18:04,676 Speaker 1: of life bear out this observation. Palliative nurse Brawny Ware 330 00:18:04,756 --> 00:18:07,596 Speaker 1: had years of experience living with patients in their final weeks, 331 00:18:07,916 --> 00:18:10,836 Speaker 1: and she repeatedly witnessed the pain and anguish of their regrets. 332 00:18:11,316 --> 00:18:14,476 Speaker 1: I wouldn't wish it on anyone, she once said. Mood 333 00:18:14,476 --> 00:18:16,756 Speaker 1: by their stories and hopeful to share the wisdom she'd 334 00:18:16,796 --> 00:18:19,196 Speaker 1: gain from her patients, she wrote a best selling book 335 00:18:19,196 --> 00:18:22,436 Speaker 1: called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying. All of 336 00:18:22,436 --> 00:18:24,876 Speaker 1: the Top five regrets where shares in her book involved 337 00:18:24,876 --> 00:18:27,916 Speaker 1: disappointing the ideal self rather than the odd self, the 338 00:18:28,036 --> 00:18:30,556 Speaker 1: dying regret not being emotionally available to their friends and 339 00:18:30,596 --> 00:18:33,596 Speaker 1: loved ones, being too devoted to proving themselves at work, 340 00:18:33,876 --> 00:18:36,876 Speaker 1: and caring too much about what other people think. Social 341 00:18:36,916 --> 00:18:39,716 Speaker 1: psychologist Tom Gillowitch and Shy David I did a more 342 00:18:39,756 --> 00:18:43,036 Speaker 1: empirically based survey of long term regrets. They studied a 343 00:18:43,116 --> 00:18:46,316 Speaker 1: very different cohort of people, not the terminally ill, but 344 00:18:46,476 --> 00:18:49,596 Speaker 1: everyone from college students to residence in an old age home. 345 00:18:50,116 --> 00:18:52,396 Speaker 1: People's regrets about not living up to the person they 346 00:18:52,396 --> 00:18:55,756 Speaker 1: ideally wanted to be far outnumbered their regrets about not 347 00:18:55,836 --> 00:18:59,076 Speaker 1: living up to what they ought to do to please bosses, neighbors, 348 00:18:59,156 --> 00:19:02,436 Speaker 1: or the wider society. Findings like these have shaped how 349 00:19:02,476 --> 00:19:06,036 Speaker 1: Liz now listens to her two different counterfectual selves. One 350 00:19:06,076 --> 00:19:08,116 Speaker 1: I'm faced with something, and when I have this little 351 00:19:08,196 --> 00:19:10,156 Speaker 1: voice within me that says like, well, but work is 352 00:19:10,196 --> 00:19:12,956 Speaker 1: really busy this week, I'm like, no, remember the pain 353 00:19:13,076 --> 00:19:15,956 Speaker 1: that you're trying to avoid in the future. Just put 354 00:19:15,996 --> 00:19:19,196 Speaker 1: that sort of perfectionist at self to the side and 355 00:19:19,276 --> 00:19:21,956 Speaker 1: go show up, because that's what you're going to remember 356 00:19:21,956 --> 00:19:24,836 Speaker 1: in ten years. I truly do not know what I 357 00:19:24,876 --> 00:19:26,796 Speaker 1: was doing at work that week. I can tell you 358 00:19:27,036 --> 00:19:30,076 Speaker 1: nothing about the project I was working on about how 359 00:19:30,116 --> 00:19:32,276 Speaker 1: it turned out. It just wasn't as important in the 360 00:19:32,316 --> 00:19:36,356 Speaker 1: long run. Lizz is now convinced that past regrets are 361 00:19:36,396 --> 00:19:39,916 Speaker 1: great learning points. That recent Lizzen Molly cartoon I mentioned 362 00:19:40,036 --> 00:19:44,196 Speaker 1: also included an important quote. Regrets can be burned as fuel, 363 00:19:44,876 --> 00:19:48,436 Speaker 1: but regrets burn hot. And we can only become better 364 00:19:48,476 --> 00:19:51,796 Speaker 1: people if we're committed to directly embracing our regrets and 365 00:19:52,076 --> 00:19:54,716 Speaker 1: the pain they cause. Because I think when we do that, 366 00:19:54,756 --> 00:19:57,196 Speaker 1: there's a lot of evidence that it is a powerfully 367 00:19:57,236 --> 00:20:09,236 Speaker 1: transformative emotion. The Happiness Lab will be right back. I'm 368 00:20:09,276 --> 00:20:12,236 Speaker 1: Jacob Goldstein. I host a podcast called What's Your Problem? 369 00:20:12,436 --> 00:20:15,516 Speaker 1: And when I was in my twenties, I regretted pretty 370 00:20:15,596 --> 00:20:18,556 Speaker 1: much everything all the time. It got to the point 371 00:20:18,596 --> 00:20:20,756 Speaker 1: where anytime I had to make a big decision, I 372 00:20:20,796 --> 00:20:23,756 Speaker 1: would be paralyzed by the fear that I would regret 373 00:20:23,796 --> 00:20:29,636 Speaker 1: whatever choice I made. It was like preregret pregret. Eventually, 374 00:20:29,676 --> 00:20:32,716 Speaker 1: I mostly got past it. I came to trust myself more, 375 00:20:32,836 --> 00:20:36,276 Speaker 1: feel better about my decisions. Regret, thankfully is no longer 376 00:20:36,316 --> 00:20:38,596 Speaker 1: a big part of my life, but I guess I 377 00:20:38,636 --> 00:20:41,716 Speaker 1: do still regret a little that I spent so many 378 00:20:41,796 --> 00:20:45,516 Speaker 1: years of my life living in fear of regret. One 379 00:20:45,516 --> 00:20:48,476 Speaker 1: of the interesting things about regret is that people want 380 00:20:48,556 --> 00:20:52,236 Speaker 1: the instruction that comes from regret. They just don't want 381 00:20:52,236 --> 00:20:56,036 Speaker 1: a bad feeling. And that's not the offer that's on 382 00:20:56,076 --> 00:20:59,116 Speaker 1: the table here. If we can tough out the discomfort, 383 00:20:59,356 --> 00:21:02,196 Speaker 1: Author Daniel Pink thinks we can learn valuable lessons from 384 00:21:02,196 --> 00:21:05,636 Speaker 1: our regrets if we get past this kind of fog 385 00:21:05,716 --> 00:21:08,156 Speaker 1: machine that we should never have regrets, that we should 386 00:21:08,156 --> 00:21:11,996 Speaker 1: always be positive. We can look at this emotion and 387 00:21:12,156 --> 00:21:15,556 Speaker 1: say it's telling us something, it's teaching us something, And 388 00:21:15,756 --> 00:21:19,196 Speaker 1: if we actually think about our regrets differently, we can 389 00:21:19,316 --> 00:21:23,036 Speaker 1: enlist them to lead a better, more fulfilling, more satisfying life. 390 00:21:23,876 --> 00:21:26,996 Speaker 1: Daniel's extensive survey of regrets around the world taught him 391 00:21:26,996 --> 00:21:29,116 Speaker 1: that the only way to learn from this painful emotion 392 00:21:29,316 --> 00:21:31,716 Speaker 1: is to let ourselves feel it. As much as we'd 393 00:21:31,716 --> 00:21:34,236 Speaker 1: like to, we can't fast forward through the painful parts 394 00:21:34,236 --> 00:21:36,916 Speaker 1: of our regrets. The reason they make us do better 395 00:21:37,116 --> 00:21:39,516 Speaker 1: is because they make us feel worse, and once you 396 00:21:39,596 --> 00:21:42,756 Speaker 1: experience the pain, you can commit to doing better. But 397 00:21:43,316 --> 00:21:47,396 Speaker 1: how Daniel says, the first step is determining the specific 398 00:21:47,476 --> 00:21:50,596 Speaker 1: category of regret you're dealing with. So there's an interesting 399 00:21:50,836 --> 00:21:54,236 Speaker 1: distinction in the architecture of regret, which is a distinction 400 00:21:54,276 --> 00:21:57,556 Speaker 1: between action regrets and inaction regrets, regrets about what we 401 00:21:57,596 --> 00:21:59,556 Speaker 1: did and regrets about what we didn't do. So let's 402 00:21:59,556 --> 00:22:01,796 Speaker 1: take action regrets regrets about what I did. Those are 403 00:22:01,876 --> 00:22:04,796 Speaker 1: things that you can undo. When I think of such situations, 404 00:22:04,836 --> 00:22:07,476 Speaker 1: I'm reminded of the advice of life coach Valerie Burton, 405 00:22:07,716 --> 00:22:10,636 Speaker 1: who I spoke to for previous episode about dealing with guilt. 406 00:22:11,276 --> 00:22:13,356 Speaker 1: Valerie said that the first steps to dealing with our 407 00:22:13,396 --> 00:22:16,316 Speaker 1: action regrets are to admit what we've done, assess the 408 00:22:16,396 --> 00:22:19,516 Speaker 1: damage done, apologize for our actions, and then a tone 409 00:22:19,596 --> 00:22:22,236 Speaker 1: as best we can. So if you regret saying something 410 00:22:22,276 --> 00:22:25,636 Speaker 1: mean to a friend, you should apologize. If you carelessly 411 00:22:25,636 --> 00:22:28,236 Speaker 1: broke your work buddy's favorite mug, you should buy them 412 00:22:28,276 --> 00:22:31,396 Speaker 1: a new one. Undoing doesn't mean erasing what you did, 413 00:22:31,676 --> 00:22:34,196 Speaker 1: but you could acknowledge your actions and make amends for 414 00:22:34,236 --> 00:22:37,076 Speaker 1: the damage at least a bit. But if the regret 415 00:22:37,076 --> 00:22:40,796 Speaker 1: you're experiencing stems from an inaction something you didn't do yet, 416 00:22:41,236 --> 00:22:44,756 Speaker 1: then the solution is also clear. If possible, you should 417 00:22:44,796 --> 00:22:46,876 Speaker 1: do the thing you haven't gotten around to doing yet. 418 00:22:47,316 --> 00:22:49,556 Speaker 1: As the old saying goes, the best time to plant 419 00:22:49,556 --> 00:22:52,116 Speaker 1: a tree was twenty years ago, but the second best 420 00:22:52,116 --> 00:22:56,396 Speaker 1: time is now. Daniel's survey results demonstrated the importance of 421 00:22:56,436 --> 00:22:59,796 Speaker 1: fixing inactions as soon as possible. One of the biggest 422 00:22:59,796 --> 00:23:02,916 Speaker 1: domains in which Daniel observed the painful consequences of inaction 423 00:23:02,956 --> 00:23:06,316 Speaker 1: regrets was in our social relationships, which are if only 424 00:23:06,316 --> 00:23:10,436 Speaker 1: I'd reached out, And the typical pattern was a relationship 425 00:23:10,476 --> 00:23:15,716 Speaker 1: comes apart, usually in very very undramatic ways. It's like 426 00:23:15,796 --> 00:23:19,316 Speaker 1: there's not yelling and screaming, and it was just like 427 00:23:19,596 --> 00:23:22,356 Speaker 1: things drift apart. Your relationship drifts apart. And then what 428 00:23:22,396 --> 00:23:24,356 Speaker 1: happens is that one person wants to reach out and 429 00:23:24,396 --> 00:23:26,756 Speaker 1: they say, ah, it's going to be really awkward if 430 00:23:26,796 --> 00:23:29,036 Speaker 1: I reach out, and the other side's not going to care, 431 00:23:29,476 --> 00:23:31,676 Speaker 1: so they don't. Then they wait a few more years 432 00:23:31,676 --> 00:23:33,796 Speaker 1: and they say, oh, now it's going to be even 433 00:23:33,796 --> 00:23:36,796 Speaker 1: more awkward and they're going to care even less, so 434 00:23:36,876 --> 00:23:39,756 Speaker 1: they don't. And so people are making a I think 435 00:23:39,796 --> 00:23:41,916 Speaker 1: a pretty profound misjudgment. They say it's going to be 436 00:23:41,956 --> 00:23:44,476 Speaker 1: awkward and it turns out to be way less awkward 437 00:23:44,516 --> 00:23:46,436 Speaker 1: than they think, and they say the other side's not 438 00:23:46,436 --> 00:23:48,796 Speaker 1: going to care, and the other side almost always cares. 439 00:23:49,196 --> 00:23:53,516 Speaker 1: If you are at a juncture where you're wondering should 440 00:23:53,516 --> 00:23:55,796 Speaker 1: I reach out or should I not reach out? To 441 00:23:55,916 --> 00:23:58,396 Speaker 1: my mind, being at that juncture has answered the question. 442 00:23:58,756 --> 00:24:01,276 Speaker 1: Always reach out. And I think it's very clear when 443 00:24:01,276 --> 00:24:05,076 Speaker 1: we look prospectively that if you don't reach out, you're 444 00:24:05,076 --> 00:24:07,076 Speaker 1: going to regret it. And I have too many stories 445 00:24:07,076 --> 00:24:09,676 Speaker 1: of people who didn't reach out and then it was 446 00:24:09,716 --> 00:24:12,796 Speaker 1: too late because somebody passed away. But you might be 447 00:24:12,876 --> 00:24:15,476 Speaker 1: left asking how can we deal with regrets that we 448 00:24:15,556 --> 00:24:18,436 Speaker 1: can't fix those hurts that we cause to people who 449 00:24:18,436 --> 00:24:21,236 Speaker 1: are no longer with us, or some stranger we hurt, 450 00:24:21,756 --> 00:24:24,916 Speaker 1: or mistakes that we can't undo, or cases where enough 451 00:24:24,956 --> 00:24:27,756 Speaker 1: time has passed that we simply can't complete the actions 452 00:24:27,796 --> 00:24:31,436 Speaker 1: we failed to do before. Daniel argues that situations like 453 00:24:31,516 --> 00:24:35,236 Speaker 1: these require changes in how we think. We first need 454 00:24:35,276 --> 00:24:38,036 Speaker 1: to normalize the fact that we messed up and commit 455 00:24:38,076 --> 00:24:40,516 Speaker 1: to not beating ourselves up over it. One of the 456 00:24:40,556 --> 00:24:44,356 Speaker 1: most important things that you can do when you screw 457 00:24:44,436 --> 00:24:47,836 Speaker 1: up is treat yourself with self compassion, treat yourself with 458 00:24:47,916 --> 00:24:51,396 Speaker 1: kindness rather than contempt, recognize that your mistakes are part 459 00:24:51,396 --> 00:24:54,156 Speaker 1: of the human condition. And when engaging in this more 460 00:24:54,196 --> 00:24:56,796 Speaker 1: compassionate self talk, we can also use the power of 461 00:24:56,836 --> 00:24:59,516 Speaker 1: specific words to better see the lessons that come from 462 00:24:59,516 --> 00:25:03,676 Speaker 1: our mistakes, like, for example, harnessing that less painful counterfactual 463 00:25:03,676 --> 00:25:07,276 Speaker 1: phrase that allows us to feel better at least as 464 00:25:07,316 --> 00:25:09,956 Speaker 1: we talked about earlier. You can least them, you can 465 00:25:09,996 --> 00:25:13,196 Speaker 1: find the silver lining, you can do that downward counter factual. 466 00:25:13,796 --> 00:25:16,236 Speaker 1: Liz Fossiline agrees that using new words in our self 467 00:25:16,236 --> 00:25:18,636 Speaker 1: talk can be a valuable way to learn about possible 468 00:25:18,676 --> 00:25:22,276 Speaker 1: silver linings. One thing that I've found really valuable is 469 00:25:22,596 --> 00:25:26,916 Speaker 1: replacing the phrase should have with what if? So instant 470 00:25:26,956 --> 00:25:29,076 Speaker 1: my case, like I should have gone with my mom 471 00:25:29,116 --> 00:25:32,876 Speaker 1: and gotten on that plane, changing it and saying like, well, 472 00:25:32,876 --> 00:25:35,596 Speaker 1: what if the next time I do get on the plane. 473 00:25:35,796 --> 00:25:40,036 Speaker 1: It's sort of a quick phrasing shift that allows us 474 00:25:40,076 --> 00:25:42,796 Speaker 1: to both give ourselves grace but then shift more into 475 00:25:42,796 --> 00:25:45,596 Speaker 1: this mindset of what could the future look like if 476 00:25:45,636 --> 00:25:50,916 Speaker 1: I learned from this past experience. Another effective, although somewhat counterintuitive, 477 00:25:50,956 --> 00:25:55,036 Speaker 1: strategy involves sharing your regrets more broadly, we assume that 478 00:25:55,076 --> 00:25:58,436 Speaker 1: talking about our mistakes will feel shameful or embarrassing, but 479 00:25:58,476 --> 00:26:01,116 Speaker 1: the science shows that admitting your regrets, either to a 480 00:26:01,156 --> 00:26:04,076 Speaker 1: close confidant or to the pages of written journal, can 481 00:26:04,116 --> 00:26:07,516 Speaker 1: make you feel better. In one study, researchers had subjects 482 00:26:07,596 --> 00:26:10,156 Speaker 1: talk about their regrets on a tape recorder for fifteen 483 00:26:10,156 --> 00:26:13,836 Speaker 1: minutes a day. After four weeks, participants report at higher 484 00:26:13,916 --> 00:26:17,156 Speaker 1: levels of life satisfaction and better overall mental well being. 485 00:26:18,076 --> 00:26:21,116 Speaker 1: Daniel argues that this works because talking about our regrets 486 00:26:21,236 --> 00:26:24,916 Speaker 1: can make them more concrete, and that makes them less fearsome, 487 00:26:24,956 --> 00:26:27,276 Speaker 1: and it also begins the sense making process, and that 488 00:26:27,396 --> 00:26:30,676 Speaker 1: sense making process is the final step of harnessing our regrets. 489 00:26:31,156 --> 00:26:33,356 Speaker 1: We're trying to extract a lesson from what we did 490 00:26:33,396 --> 00:26:35,476 Speaker 1: badly in the past so we can do better in 491 00:26:35,516 --> 00:26:39,796 Speaker 1: the future. I don't think it's good enough to simply say, oh, 492 00:26:39,836 --> 00:26:41,996 Speaker 1: I'm going to treat myself with kindness, I'm going to 493 00:26:42,036 --> 00:26:43,916 Speaker 1: write about or disclose it. I think you have to 494 00:26:43,956 --> 00:26:46,516 Speaker 1: go to the next step and say, what did I 495 00:26:46,596 --> 00:26:48,876 Speaker 1: learn from this? What is the lesson that I've derived 496 00:26:48,916 --> 00:26:51,036 Speaker 1: from this, and how do I apply it going forward? 497 00:26:51,596 --> 00:26:54,076 Speaker 1: The sense making process is one of the reasons Liz 498 00:26:54,196 --> 00:26:56,676 Speaker 1: is also keen to share the power of regret. By 499 00:26:56,716 --> 00:26:59,756 Speaker 1: courageously processing her own regrets about not showing up when 500 00:26:59,756 --> 00:27:02,196 Speaker 1: her mother needed her, she's been able to better live 501 00:27:02,276 --> 00:27:04,956 Speaker 1: up to the person she ideally wants to be. And 502 00:27:05,036 --> 00:27:08,276 Speaker 1: so I don't even want to say I'm grateful, because 503 00:27:08,316 --> 00:27:12,356 Speaker 1: that's not quite true, but I do. I try every 504 00:27:12,356 --> 00:27:15,676 Speaker 1: time I'm confronted with a similar situation to make the 505 00:27:15,836 --> 00:27:18,836 Speaker 1: choice that I know is going to lead to less 506 00:27:18,836 --> 00:27:23,236 Speaker 1: long run pain, and that actually aligns more with my values. Unfortunately, 507 00:27:23,396 --> 00:27:25,516 Speaker 1: Liz had a chance to test that commitment to her 508 00:27:25,556 --> 00:27:28,156 Speaker 1: new ideal self when her father was rushed to the 509 00:27:28,196 --> 00:27:31,476 Speaker 1: hospital and at the time, we didn't, you know, we 510 00:27:31,516 --> 00:27:33,116 Speaker 1: really didn't know if he was going to make it, 511 00:27:33,196 --> 00:27:35,516 Speaker 1: so it was very scary. Liz was living in San 512 00:27:35,556 --> 00:27:38,596 Speaker 1: Francisco at the time. She knew that flying halfway across 513 00:27:38,636 --> 00:27:41,156 Speaker 1: the country to her father's hospital in Chicago at short 514 00:27:41,196 --> 00:27:43,556 Speaker 1: notice and in the middle of the COVID nineteen pandemic 515 00:27:43,676 --> 00:27:47,276 Speaker 1: would be a logistical nightmare. And this time even her 516 00:27:47,276 --> 00:27:49,716 Speaker 1: mother was telling her not to bother making the trek, 517 00:27:50,476 --> 00:27:54,076 Speaker 1: and I was just like, absolutely not, I'm coming. Just 518 00:27:54,356 --> 00:27:56,356 Speaker 1: you know, like pick me up an airport, or I'll 519 00:27:56,356 --> 00:27:59,636 Speaker 1: take a lift or whatever it is. By fully processing 520 00:27:59,636 --> 00:28:02,556 Speaker 1: her previous experience, Liz was sure that, no matter how 521 00:28:02,596 --> 00:28:05,516 Speaker 1: difficult that trip to Chicago was, the anguish of not 522 00:28:05,636 --> 00:28:09,516 Speaker 1: going would be worse. I do not want to arience 523 00:28:09,596 --> 00:28:12,356 Speaker 1: that pain again. And I have learned my lesson that 524 00:28:12,396 --> 00:28:15,676 Speaker 1: I will never ever make that decision. And so Liz 525 00:28:15,716 --> 00:28:18,556 Speaker 1: made the trek and quickly enjoyed the benefits that come 526 00:28:18,636 --> 00:28:21,556 Speaker 1: from being the person you ideally want to be. My 527 00:28:21,676 --> 00:28:25,996 Speaker 1: dad luckily ended up being sort of overall okay, and 528 00:28:26,116 --> 00:28:27,796 Speaker 1: my mom a couple days later it was just like, 529 00:28:27,836 --> 00:28:31,396 Speaker 1: I'm so glad you're here, and I said, I am too, 530 00:28:31,756 --> 00:28:35,156 Speaker 1: And I absolutely have no regrets around that. We often 531 00:28:35,236 --> 00:28:37,116 Speaker 1: think that in order to be happy, we need to 532 00:28:37,116 --> 00:28:40,716 Speaker 1: shield ourselves from painful emotions, and there's no doubt about it. 533 00:28:40,876 --> 00:28:44,716 Speaker 1: Feeling regret is painful. It's one of the suckiest emotions around. 534 00:28:45,476 --> 00:28:47,916 Speaker 1: But as Daniel Pink put it in his book, it's 535 00:28:47,956 --> 00:28:51,076 Speaker 1: time you started thinking of your regrets not as emotional threats, 536 00:28:51,236 --> 00:28:54,596 Speaker 1: but as opportunities. If there's some past action that makes 537 00:28:54,596 --> 00:28:57,836 Speaker 1: you cringe, fix it didn't take on that big challenge 538 00:28:57,836 --> 00:29:00,916 Speaker 1: your ideal self was pushing for, do it now, And 539 00:29:00,996 --> 00:29:03,436 Speaker 1: if you can't go back and change the past, find 540 00:29:03,476 --> 00:29:05,596 Speaker 1: ways to see those pangs of remorse in a new 541 00:29:05,676 --> 00:29:08,596 Speaker 1: light as a powerful way for your ideal self to 542 00:29:08,716 --> 00:29:11,636 Speaker 1: nudge you in the right direction. And if your ideal 543 00:29:11,676 --> 00:29:14,716 Speaker 1: self wants to avoid at least one future podcast regret, 544 00:29:15,076 --> 00:29:16,996 Speaker 1: then I'd encourage you to come back soon for the 545 00:29:16,996 --> 00:29:20,836 Speaker 1: next episode of The Happiness Lab with me Doctor Laurie Santos. 546 00:29:28,556 --> 00:29:31,476 Speaker 1: The Happiness Lab is co written and produced by Ryan Dilley, 547 00:29:31,636 --> 00:29:35,916 Speaker 1: Emily Anne Vaughan, and Courtney Guerino. Joseph Friedman checked our facts. 548 00:29:36,436 --> 00:29:40,756 Speaker 1: Our original music was composed by Zachary Silver, with additional scoring, mixing, 549 00:29:40,796 --> 00:29:44,556 Speaker 1: and mastering by Evan Viola. Thanks to everyone who shared 550 00:29:44,556 --> 00:29:48,516 Speaker 1: their regret stories for this episode. Special thanks to Milabelle 551 00:29:48,596 --> 00:29:53,316 Speaker 1: Heather Fame, John Schnars, Carli Migliori, Christina Sullivan, Maggie Taylor, 552 00:29:53,476 --> 00:29:58,396 Speaker 1: Eric Sangler, Nicole Morano, Royston Preserved, Jacob Weisberg, and my agent, 553 00:29:58,556 --> 00:30:01,396 Speaker 1: Ben Davis. The Happiness Lab is brought to you by 554 00:30:01,396 --> 00:30:05,316 Speaker 1: Pushkin Industries and Me Doctor Laurie Santos. To find more 555 00:30:05,356 --> 00:30:09,516 Speaker 1: Pushkin podcasts, listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or 556 00:30:09,516 --> 00:30:11,716 Speaker 1: wherever you listened to your podcasts.