Speaker 1: Chemistry can lead to some healthy, you know, couple good
Speaker 1: years of marriage. Character is what's going to last you
Speaker 1: a lifetime in a marriage. And it's so true when
Speaker 1: you're dating. Chemistry is the first thing that we all
Speaker 1: cling to. You know, I want to make out with you,
Speaker 1: I like you know, I'm very physically attracted to you.
Speaker 1: Chemistry is what takes the dating world, you know, to
Speaker 1: the next step. But it's the character. You can have
Speaker 1: chemistry with somebody and that, but that's going to fizzle,
Speaker 1: it's like a fire, it's going to burn out. But
Speaker 1: character is what lasts a lifetime. Hey everyone, welcome back
Speaker 1: to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world.
Speaker 1: Thanks to each and every single one of you that
Speaker 1: come back every week to become happier, healthier, and more healed.
Speaker 1: And I am so excited to be talking to you today.
Speaker 1: I can't believe it. My new book Eight Rules of
Speaker 1: Love is out and I cannot wait to share it
Speaker 1: with you. I am so excited for you to read
Speaker 1: this book, for you to listen to this book. I
Speaker 1: read the audiobook. If you haven't got it already, make
Speaker 1: sure you go to eight Rules of Love dot com.
Speaker 1: It's dedicated to anyone who's trying to find, keep, or
Speaker 1: let go of love. So if you've got friends that
Speaker 1: are dating, broken up, or struggling with love, make sure
Speaker 1: you grab this book. And I'd love to invite you
Speaker 1: to come and see me for my global tour Love Rules.
Speaker 1: Go to Jay shettytour dot com to learn more information
Speaker 1: about tickets, VIP experiences, and more. I can't wait to
Speaker 1: see you this year, and I am so excited for
Speaker 1: today's quite conversation because not only are my two guests
Speaker 1: friends of mine, but they have a new book out
Speaker 1: that I know you're gonna love and I can't wait
Speaker 1: for you to read. The new book is called The
Speaker 1: Sunshine Mind One hundred Days to Finding the Hope and
Speaker 1: Joy You Want by Tanya rad and Raquel Stevens. I
Speaker 1: can't wait to tell you about these two amazing humans.
Speaker 1: If you don't already follow them, make sure you go
Speaker 1: and follow them a cross social media. And today we're
Speaker 1: going to be diving into the themes inside this book.
Speaker 1: But to give you a quick overview, Raquel Stephen's most
Speaker 1: recent work includes hosting and producing Giving Back Generation. RADI
Speaker 1: and I would guests on the show, so I can't
Speaker 1: wait to go and watch that episode. Raquel also starred
Speaker 1: in the Apple documentary Selena Gomez, My Mind and Me
Speaker 1: and the hit series Selena Plush. Chef Tanya rad co
Speaker 1: host on air with Ryan Seacrest, hosting I Art Radio's
Speaker 1: top forty show The Vibe, and creating community on her
Speaker 1: popular podcast Scrubbing In. Raquel and Tania just released their
Speaker 1: new book, The Sunshine Mind. I want you to go
Speaker 1: order it right now. You're gonna love this book, and
Speaker 1: you're gonna love this conversation, Tanya, Raquel, thank you so
Speaker 1: much for being here. Jay, thank you for having us.
Speaker 1: I like bandgirling because I'm a big fan of the podcast,
Speaker 1: so to be a guest on the podcast feels like
Speaker 1: a major It's major. Yeah, and Jay, we've been friends
Speaker 1: for a while too, so it kind of feels like
Speaker 1: sitting with two close friends, YEA, having a conversation. I
Speaker 1: was going to say that I feel like, Raquel, I
Speaker 1: met you very early on when I moved to lay
Speaker 1: like probably within the first six months. I think. Yeah,
Speaker 1: we met through our friendly and Helena had dinner with
Speaker 1: you and Roddy and Elena, and I remember her texting
Speaker 1: me after being like, you're gonna love Jay and Roddy.
Speaker 1: They're the best and so and we've been hanging out
Speaker 1: ever since, and you have so many wonderful people. You've
Speaker 1: been nothing but sunshine in our life. And you're one
Speaker 1: of those people that I always talk about, is like,
Speaker 1: there's very few people I meet that I just genuine
Speaker 1: and want genuine things for everyone in their life and
Speaker 1: want genuine people to connect. And then Tania we met
Speaker 1: very recently, actually much more, but we were messaging for
Speaker 1: many years on like, yeah, all of this, I've been
Speaker 1: a fan of yours, Like I consume everything Jay Shetty,
Speaker 1: I just mind you to be very inspirational, aspirational role model,
Speaker 1: and so I just I love you in general. And
Speaker 1: then I remember Raquel was like our common thread, and
Speaker 1: so we met very recently. But about your wife first, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: at a dinner that we had. When was that that
Speaker 1: was a while ago? Yeah it was two thousand and
Speaker 1: twenty one. Oh yeah, yeah, a couple of years. But anyway,
Speaker 1: I'm so excited because you're both finally here, both people
Speaker 1: that I do believe bring a lot of sunshine into
Speaker 1: the world. So the book is very apt, but I
Speaker 1: want to ask you so many different questions today. I
Speaker 1: want to learn more about your friendship. I want to
Speaker 1: learn about both of you, and I'm sure this chemistry
Speaker 1: is like amazing, and you you know which questions you
Speaker 1: want to answer, but I want to start with both
Speaker 1: of you and say, what makes a day a great
Speaker 1: day for both of you? That's a really great question.
Speaker 1: I try to make every day a great day. And
Speaker 1: I'm not saying that in a way of like, oh,
Speaker 1: I just wake up happy every single day. I think
Speaker 1: sometimes it's a choice. And so the things that make
Speaker 1: me most happy are my friends and my family and
Speaker 1: the people that I do day to day life with,
Speaker 1: so naturally every day is a good day when I'm
Speaker 1: in communication with those people. And and then also, you know,
Speaker 1: all of the work that I do is committed to
Speaker 1: making a difference and to helping people, and so I
Speaker 1: feel like I'm living my life on purpose, and to me,
Speaker 1: that's a great day. It's being in community with people,
Speaker 1: it's choosing to see the good even when times are
Speaker 1: a little bit hard, and um having fun as well. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'd say mine's similar in the sense that it's really
Speaker 1: just being at peace and being happy and for me,
Speaker 1: a lot that I put in the book to our
Speaker 1: like these little nuances that I do, you know, like
Speaker 1: we can get very into the mundane of our you know,
Speaker 1: the routine of our lives. And I think it's like
Speaker 1: finding joy and those like little things. So in the morning,
Speaker 1: you know, I wake up before the sun and when
Speaker 1: I walk into the studio every morning, I flicker the
Speaker 1: lights on and off and I say good morning everyone.
Speaker 1: I'm like literally bringing the sun in. Sometimes it could
Speaker 1: be a little annoying, but like I think it brings
Speaker 1: everybody smiles and it just kind of brings like a levity.
Speaker 1: And so I think, to me, just kind of being
Speaker 1: happy and yes, every day is you know, I don't
Speaker 1: I'm not a master at it. I can kind of
Speaker 1: get overwhelmed, and I think you're maybe a master at it.
Speaker 1: I'm trying to me. I have my moments, and that's
Speaker 1: when I like turn to Raquel and I'm like I
Speaker 1: have a lot going on. Help me, And She'll usually
Speaker 1: send a scripture and I'm like, Okay, thank you, and
Speaker 1: I love what you've done with this book and I
Speaker 1: just want to show it to everyone who's listening or
Speaker 1: watching wherever you are in the world. How this book
Speaker 1: is structured, because it's rare that two friends to come
Speaker 1: together to write a book together. Yeah, that doesn't happen
Speaker 1: very often. I've interviewed so many authors over my years
Speaker 1: of interviewing, and you don't really see that. But the
Speaker 1: way this book is structured, I just want to show
Speaker 1: everyone because I've been reading it this week. You get
Speaker 1: these beautiful scripture pieces here, which are these favorite verses
Speaker 1: I imagine of both of yours. But then you also
Speaker 1: get sections that I get dedicated to whether they're written
Speaker 1: by Raquel or Tanya, And so you're getting two perspectives
Speaker 1: on so many phenomenal topics, which I think is actually
Speaker 1: really rare. When you read a book, you're so used
Speaker 1: to getting one person's viewpoint or one person's research. When
Speaker 1: it comes to you too writing this book together. I've
Speaker 1: already asked you about a good day. What does a
Speaker 1: bad day look like for both of you and how
Speaker 1: do you navigate those? Because we're writing a book called
Speaker 1: The Sunshine Mind. But there's some cloudy days in all
Speaker 1: of our lives, and you talk about a lot of
Speaker 1: that in the book. So what does a bad day
Speaker 1: look like? And how do you navigate those You know,
Speaker 1: what's interesting is why I say that this book is
Speaker 1: such a reflection of our friendship because whenever I was
Speaker 1: having a bad day, or I was going through something
Speaker 1: heartbreak or you know, you don't get that that career,
Speaker 1: that job that you were really wanting and working hard for,
Speaker 1: Raquel is somebody that I would always turn to in
Speaker 1: those moments. And she's that friend that was She always
Speaker 1: met me where I was. She had a scripture ready
Speaker 1: to turn it around for me. And so when in
Speaker 1: the early phases when I was thinking about this book,
Speaker 1: because I had written a different book proposal, it was
Speaker 1: like a dating book and it was, you know went,
Speaker 1: it was just on the cutting room floor, didn't end
Speaker 1: up going anywhere. So I wanted to do it devotional.
Speaker 1: And I was like, Requels the perfect person to do
Speaker 1: this with, because this is exactly like what she is
Speaker 1: as a friend to me. I go to her, she
Speaker 1: shares wisdom, she's there for me, and so it's kind
Speaker 1: of a really nice yeah, and that's something Tanya is
Speaker 1: really great at. On a bad day, you do reach out,
Speaker 1: you do say hey, I'm struggling and can you pray
Speaker 1: for me? Or can you encourage me. I'm having a
Speaker 1: hard time, and I think sometimes it's hard to be vulnerable.
Speaker 1: It's hard to say, hey, I'm having a bad day.
Speaker 1: We want to pretend like everything's okay, and you really
Speaker 1: do embody that for me. If I'm having a bad day,
Speaker 1: I do the same thing. I'll call a trusted friend
Speaker 1: Tanya or my friend Ashley Cook is really solid and
Speaker 1: great that way too, you know, Ashley. And then I
Speaker 1: also on my own, I'll go very grateful to live
Speaker 1: in La I'll go and I'll drive down to the
Speaker 1: beach and I'll take a long walk and I'll listen
Speaker 1: to my music or meditations and just it might sound
Speaker 1: kind of simple, and you can do this actually wherever
Speaker 1: you're listening. You don't have to go to the each
Speaker 1: you can go for a neighborhood walk. But I find
Speaker 1: being in nature and just taking time to be alone
Speaker 1: and be still and let the spirit come in and
Speaker 1: and bring me peace. It works every single time. And
Speaker 1: I'm not just saying that, it really does. And so
Speaker 1: I think taking that time to be alone and really
Speaker 1: asking the spirit, hey, i'm struggling today. Today is a
Speaker 1: tough one. Please give me peace. You can be that
Speaker 1: simple and it works every time. I don't shy away
Speaker 1: from the bad days too. Like I've cried multiple times
Speaker 1: on the air, I've cried on Instagram, like I don't
Speaker 1: want people to think, you know that I'm just I'm
Speaker 1: always happy and that, like you know, like I have
Speaker 1: moments and I cry, and like, can I see something
Speaker 1: about Tanya too? Is she early on in her career,
Speaker 1: she faced a lot with you know, different people saying
Speaker 1: you're to this, you're too that, you're too positive, you're
Speaker 1: too night, You're you're never gonna make it in this,
Speaker 1: in this business. Yeah, And I've herginalities too much. Yeah.
Speaker 1: And I have watched her stay so true to who
Speaker 1: she is. She's never backed down. She's she's stayed positive,
Speaker 1: she's stayed bubbly, she's you know, chosen to take the
Speaker 1: high road over and over again. And her career has
Speaker 1: just grown and grown and grown, and she's never changed.
Speaker 1: She's grown, but she's never changed. She's always stayed true
Speaker 1: to her And I think that that is incredible. Thank you,
Speaker 1: so beautiful. I love seeing a good friendship because I
Speaker 1: think that in a world that where everyone's looking for
Speaker 1: a partner and someone to date. It's almost like friendships
Speaker 1: often get devalued or become less important, or we find
Speaker 1: that when someone finds the one or the person they
Speaker 1: want to be with, all of a sudden they don't
Speaker 1: talk to their friends anymore, only when they're heartbroken to
Speaker 1: come back to their friends to mend their healing heart.
Speaker 1: And so I love seeing good friendships. I have a
Speaker 1: lot of great male friends in my life as well
Speaker 1: that I turned to that are part of my support structure.
Speaker 1: What do you think, Tanya, it is about your friendship
Speaker 1: with Raquel that made you, in those instances reach out
Speaker 1: to her, Like, what is it? Because I think what
Speaker 1: you just raised their Raquel is we struggle with reaching out,
Speaker 1: We struggle with asking for help, We struggle with calling
Speaker 1: someone up and saying I'm having a bad day like
Speaker 1: that is a very vulnerable, challenging thing for a lot
Speaker 1: of us to do, and a lot of us will
Speaker 1: wait months, maybe even years before we open up to
Speaker 1: our friend and say this is what I've been going through.
Speaker 1: So what was it about your friendship that gave you
Speaker 1: a sense of trust in Raquel? And what can we
Speaker 1: learn from that? And what can people listening take away
Speaker 1: from that? When they're struggling to figure out who of
Speaker 1: my friends should I tell them? What can I tell them? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I do think that trust is built over time. So
Speaker 1: I think I was able to kind of see over
Speaker 1: time that she was a very trustworthy person. I know
Speaker 1: if I whatever I told her, And also like I'm
Speaker 1: in an industry that I need to keep things to myself.
Speaker 1: But I always knew that I could tell her and
Speaker 1: it was like a vault, and that she's just proven
Speaker 1: time and time again that I can trust her. But
Speaker 1: something that is very unique to Raquel that I don't
Speaker 1: think and I'm not as good as it as good
Speaker 1: as she is, But when you come to her something,
Speaker 1: she doesn't give you her opinion. She listens to you.
Speaker 1: She doesn't judge you, she doesn't you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: Like I think a lot of times, if somebody's going
Speaker 1: through something, you know, somebody comes back and they're like, oh,
Speaker 1: he broke my heart again, Like you know he was
Speaker 1: always awful, he treated you bad. Like it's none of
Speaker 1: that stuff, do you know what I mean? Like we
Speaker 1: just want to give our opinion or kind of share
Speaker 1: and she just listens. She's there for you. She encourages you.
Speaker 1: And I think that's something that I try to take
Speaker 1: into my other friendships too, because I can all be
Speaker 1: the opposite sometimes and I really want to be better
Speaker 1: about no judgment. Like I know I could tell her
Speaker 1: anything and she will just take it and like it
Speaker 1: won't even affect you at times. No, it's it's a really,
Speaker 1: it's it's a gift. There's there's one word that you
Speaker 1: said that I wanted to point out to everyone, which
Speaker 1: I loved because I've never heard a friend describe that way.
Speaker 1: She's a vault. Yeah, yeah, there's nothing. And there's the
Speaker 1: idea that like, you know, because we all have a
Speaker 1: friend that you like, tell a secret. Please don't tell anyone,
Speaker 1: but you know they're gonna let it lead because it's
Speaker 1: gonna get out whatever it is. Everyone has a friend
Speaker 1: like that. And but but when you know your friends
Speaker 1: are vote like I love that. I love that thought
Speaker 1: because there's such a safety there. There's such a security there.
Speaker 1: That's that's such a great visual And and Raquel with
Speaker 1: with you in Tanya as well, like what is it
Speaker 1: that I guess allowed you to be a friend who
Speaker 1: is able to listen and not judge, Like where does
Speaker 1: that come from for you? Because I think a lot
Speaker 1: of us feel that if we're not immediately reaffirming what
Speaker 1: our friends are saying, then our friends are not going
Speaker 1: to like us, right right, So, like most people think,
Speaker 1: if my friend came up to me and said, ja,
Speaker 1: I just broke up, and you know, he was like
Speaker 1: this whatever, and then if you don't say, oh, yeah,
Speaker 1: he's a jerk and of course yeah, you're the best,
Speaker 1: Like we feel like we feel like totally on my side, yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1: And if you're listening and just being patient, a lot
Speaker 1: of people might just be like, well, Raquel, who doesn't
Speaker 1: care about me or he doesn't really feel sorry for
Speaker 1: me or whatever. What's given you that ability to be
Speaker 1: more patient to say, hey, you know what, I'm actually
Speaker 1: going to listen and be more honest with people rather
Speaker 1: than just like tell them what they want to hear. Yeah, Well,
Speaker 1: I think it comes from trying to fully understand and
Speaker 1: live out true unconditional love. And when you love someone unconditionally,
Speaker 1: you're not always telling them what they want to hear.
Speaker 1: You're saying or listening to what hopefully will lead them
Speaker 1: to peace. And what I've found is that when you're
Speaker 1: bashing someone maybe in a moment it feels good, but
Speaker 1: it doesn't lead to real peace. Even if that person
Speaker 1: did do something wrong, it's like, okay, you know what
Speaker 1: they's that sucks that that happened, that's not okay. But
Speaker 1: we're not going to waste our time dwelling on that
Speaker 1: or bashing that person. We're gonna, you know, focus on
Speaker 1: the future. We're going to focus on what leads ultimately
Speaker 1: to peace. And so I love my friends, I love
Speaker 1: the people that are close to me, and so I
Speaker 1: try to give an honest answer. And then sometimes, you know,
Speaker 1: the person gets back with that person or they stay
Speaker 1: with them. And so imagine Tanya is one of my
Speaker 1: close friends. She's broken up with a guy, and I'm like, yeah,
Speaker 1: he's this, he's that, whatever, and then they're back together
Speaker 1: and I've said all these horrible things about the person
Speaker 1: that really she was just venting to me in a
Speaker 1: moment of a hard time that they were having. And
Speaker 1: so that's the angle that I tried to come at
Speaker 1: it from, is what is the most helpful, what is
Speaker 1: the most peaceful, is going to be encouraging, encouraging the
Speaker 1: most to her. Yeah, that's great, I think I think
Speaker 1: that's the kind of friend that everyone says they want.
Speaker 1: Then we're always not sure when we actually get that, Well,
Speaker 1: how do we grow? I mean, I welcome that from
Speaker 1: my friends. I hope people are telling me the truth.
Speaker 1: I hope people are being honest with me and not
Speaker 1: just telling me what I want to hear, because then
Speaker 1: I can't. I can't grow if people aren't being truthful
Speaker 1: with me. Absolutely. I feel like even in marriage, like
Speaker 1: I'm married to someone like yeah, okay. I officiated a
Speaker 1: wedding last year. I was practicing to my wife before
Speaker 1: I officiated, and RADI literally told me the day before
Speaker 1: that it suck and and and every part of my
Speaker 1: ego was like, no, it doesn't. Like I put it's like,
Speaker 1: don't you know who I am? And and I listened
Speaker 1: because it's my wife and I trust her. And after
Speaker 1: my ego kind of like quiet and down a bit.
Speaker 1: I was like listening to her, and I was like,
Speaker 1: she's saying this for my benefit. She wants me to
Speaker 1: be awesome tomorrow, and she's telling me in advance so
Speaker 1: that I can be awesome. Wow. I changed the whole thing,
Speaker 1: wrote it. It went great, Everything was fine, everyone loved it,
Speaker 1: But it was just it was so interesting because it's
Speaker 1: so hard to hear that from the people closest to
Speaker 1: us sometimes because we just want to hear them adore
Speaker 1: us and validate us. Right. So yeah, and of course,
Speaker 1: you know, if Tanya is coming to me and she's
Speaker 1: been really hurt by someone, I'm not immediately going to
Speaker 1: be like, well you know what. Yeah, No, it's acknowledging it.
Speaker 1: It's being like wow, that's like that's not okay, that's wrong.
Speaker 1: But then you know, not feeding it. Yeah, I guess.
Speaker 1: But you know what's interesting why I've learned in friendships
Speaker 1: and relationships is like there is no right and wrong there.
Speaker 1: You know, there's there's two people, there's two different perspectives there.
Speaker 1: We've all grown up differently, we handle situations differently, and
Speaker 1: I think that as an individual, we just think our
Speaker 1: way is the right way and the way we do
Speaker 1: things is the way that everybody should do things, when
Speaker 1: in reality, that's not how life is. And so it's
Speaker 1: kind of just you know, learning how to work in
Speaker 1: that space of like, Okay, this is how you see it,
Speaker 1: this is how I see it. Now, how can we
Speaker 1: work together to like get to the finish line. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I love that. I love that. Let's dive into the book. Um,
Speaker 1: you chose one hundred days, which I'm fascinated by. Why
Speaker 1: one hundred days? And I'd love for you to tell
Speaker 1: us because, uh, it's it's a it's a beautiful number.
Speaker 1: I like, I like a hundred days. I'm like, you
Speaker 1: can achieve a lot one hundred days. Yeah, but it
Speaker 1: feels manageable. Why one hundred days? I think for exactly
Speaker 1: that reason. I think you do three hundred sixty five,
Speaker 1: it feels like, oh wow, that's really overwhelming. We're going
Speaker 1: to three sixty five. Yeah. No, I think a hundred
Speaker 1: is digestible and it's you know, you could have done thirty.
Speaker 1: People say it takes thirty days to create a new habit,
Speaker 1: or we could have done ninety. But I thought a
Speaker 1: hundred was like a good number. You've got the three digits,
Speaker 1: but it's not like, who three sixty five that long
Speaker 1: to find, hope, enjoy I want maybe No. Yeah. Also,
Speaker 1: I think having a something that you can go to
Speaker 1: daily for an excited period of time is good. But
Speaker 1: also if you skip a day or two, it's not
Speaker 1: the end of the world, and you still you know
Speaker 1: what I mean, Like, I think one hundred of spell Yeah,
Speaker 1: like a good number. I'm going to tell you that
Speaker 1: I feel the same way because my original book, the
Speaker 1: one that's coming out now as well, was meant to
Speaker 1: be fifty two Rules of Love, and my editor was like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I think that's really overwhelming. Yeah, so it came down
Speaker 1: to eight and it was. It was a similar sort
Speaker 1: of feeling of like, how do you make it feel
Speaker 1: manageable and actionable and powerful? But but it's not always
Speaker 1: easy to do that with the number. But I think
Speaker 1: a hundred days is great. Like you said, it takes
Speaker 1: ready to ninety days to form a habit. A hundred
Speaker 1: days is a brilliant commitment. It feels like you achieve something.
Speaker 1: One of the things you talk about in the book
Speaker 1: is overcoming imposter syndrome, and I love that topic so
Speaker 1: much because I think that people are and I've only
Speaker 1: picked my favorite days and things that I think we're
Speaker 1: really powerful from the book. Overcoming imposter syndrome is such
Speaker 1: a big thing today because more people have access to
Speaker 1: more opportunities, more people are seeing more things happening in
Speaker 1: the world and knowing what's going on in the world.
Speaker 1: I know that in my own life I've experienced imposter
Speaker 1: syndrome multiple times because I'm constantly in rooms that I
Speaker 1: never thought i'd be, and I'm constantly surrounded by people
Speaker 1: that I feel inadequate too in some way or week
Speaker 1: two in some way over time, or rooms that I
Speaker 1: didn't imagine being or didn't expect to be in, and
Speaker 1: so imposter syndrome something I experienced time and time and
Speaker 1: time again. I have my own way of dealing with it.
Speaker 1: I'd love to know where I have. Both of you
Speaker 1: felt imposter syndrome in your life, and let's start there,
Speaker 1: wherever you felt it first, Let's start there. This is
Speaker 1: a big one for me because, like Raquel said, when
Speaker 1: I was early on in my career, I was it
Speaker 1: wasn't like a beautiful welcoming for me. It was very
Speaker 1: much my personality is too much. People can only handle
Speaker 1: me in small doses. I'm a cartoon character, and you know,
Speaker 1: in this career it's all your personality. So like that
Speaker 1: was very damaging at a young age when I was
Speaker 1: starting out, So in my mind I had I was
Speaker 1: like twenty one, twenty two. So you hear all that
Speaker 1: and you believe it because it's coming from people who
Speaker 1: are way above you in this corporate world, you know.
Speaker 1: And this is something that I am so grateful. You know.
Speaker 1: I work with Ryan Seacrest, and he from the very
Speaker 1: beginning has been so encouraging to me, and he saw
Speaker 1: something in me. And I would not be where I
Speaker 1: am if it wasn't for him believing in me. Because
Speaker 1: I did have to deal with a lot of adversity
Speaker 1: from other people. It was very damaging and so and
Speaker 1: it was like every step of the way in my career,
Speaker 1: like I remember when I got my first TV gig
Speaker 1: at E I had it all over again to bat
Speaker 1: like I was like, I'm too much and I need to,
Speaker 1: you know, lower myself and be a little bit quieter.
Speaker 1: And every step and every milestone that I was making
Speaker 1: in my career, I felt really nervous at the start
Speaker 1: because I was just like, I'm not supposed to be here.
Speaker 1: I don't this isn't I don't deserve this. And and
Speaker 1: there's also a part of it too where it comes from,
Speaker 1: you know. I never dreamed that this was possible, you know,
Speaker 1: Like I always envisioned it, but I never thought that
Speaker 1: it was actually going to be a reality, and so
Speaker 1: when it's actually becoming a reality, it's just this crazy
Speaker 1: kind of like I don't deserve this type of thing,
Speaker 1: And so overcoming it has been a process, like a major,
Speaker 1: major process, because I've had to kind of unwind and
Speaker 1: like unhear all of these things. And it's so funny
Speaker 1: because it's like the people who see potential in you
Speaker 1: and believe in you, that number was far more than
Speaker 1: the ones that didn't believe and that try to put
Speaker 1: me down. But yet those ones are like the loudest
Speaker 1: voices and they're the hardest that you can't get them
Speaker 1: out of your head. I think it took me a
Speaker 1: decade to like get them out of my head. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's really done the work. Yeah, yeah, that's so true.
Speaker 1: I mean the noise of other people's opinions is always
Speaker 1: louder than all these voices of support and encouragement and yeah, Raquel,
Speaker 1: how about you? Yes, So for me, I think having
Speaker 1: and continuing to remind myself of how big God is
Speaker 1: and whatever whoever is listening you call it God, the universe,
Speaker 1: higher power. I think when we have a revelation of
Speaker 1: just how big that is, it's extremely humbling and so
Speaker 1: for me, maybe similar to you, I found myselves in
Speaker 1: in I found myself in a lot of rooms with
Speaker 1: people where I'm like, Wow, how did I end up here?
Speaker 1: And a prayer that I've always prayed as God, I
Speaker 1: don't want to love anything or anyone more than I
Speaker 1: love you. And so I think when you go into
Speaker 1: a room, you understand that I am worthy to be
Speaker 1: here because I am a human being, and we are
Speaker 1: all worthy. And when you understand the bigness of God,
Speaker 1: the higher power of the universe, you understand that we
Speaker 1: all play a small part in this journey of being human.
Speaker 1: And I think that's really allowed me to overcome imposter
Speaker 1: syndrome because I do feel worthy. I feel worthy to
Speaker 1: be in the room with people who maybe I admire,
Speaker 1: maybe have achieved more than me, but like what an
Speaker 1: honor I get to learn from them, and and I'm
Speaker 1: worthy to be there because I am human. Oh that's
Speaker 1: so beautiful. I love that. That That that really hit me.
Speaker 1: I love that. And yeah, and I think for me,
Speaker 1: also from a practical sense, I've started to embrace imposter
Speaker 1: syndrome as a sign that I'm growing. Yeah, and so
Speaker 1: I find that I've started to look at imposter syndrome
Speaker 1: as every time I feel it, it means I'm doing
Speaker 1: something that's unconstoun I will say, I make it a
Speaker 1: point to surround myself with better I surround myself with
Speaker 1: people who are further along than me, who challenged me,
Speaker 1: who helped me to grow. And I have always been
Speaker 1: that way because I want to be better and I
Speaker 1: don't think we ever arrive. I wrote about it in
Speaker 1: the book, but I said, Maya Angelo, she did an
Speaker 1: interview with Oprah and her later years, and she said,
Speaker 1: I'm still learning. Yeah, I don't know what I know enough.
Speaker 1: I'm still I've I've learned, you know a lot where
Speaker 1: I try to live what I know, but I still
Speaker 1: am not there. And she was considered to be one
Speaker 1: of the wisest people in the world. It still is,
Speaker 1: and so I try to remember that. Yeah, absolutely, an Tanya,
Speaker 1: what was yours when? Because Raquel looked at you and
Speaker 1: she was like, you did the work, like what would
Speaker 1: those ten And you said it took ten years, which
Speaker 1: I feel is a genuine, real amount of time. I
Speaker 1: think a lot of the time today we're like, oh,
Speaker 1: you can get over imposter syndrome like tomorrow and it's like, no,
Speaker 1: it takes years to craft your relationship with how you
Speaker 1: feel about feeling like an imposta and I do you
Speaker 1: have to say? I feel like it adds a little
Speaker 1: bit of fuel to the fire, you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: Like I think it made me. I would go into
Speaker 1: a carpet and I you wouldn't. The amount of prep
Speaker 1: I did before a carpet was wild, Like I would
Speaker 1: be I was doing research. I would watch every single movie,
Speaker 1: every single TV show, like do the whole background. I
Speaker 1: really would prepare because I had that imposter syndrome like
Speaker 1: you're not good enough, You're not good enough. So it
Speaker 1: made me overachieved, which I think ultimately was a good
Speaker 1: thing and a blessing. And so I think in a
Speaker 1: way I tried to kind of turn the narrative of
Speaker 1: imposter syndrome, and it was I tried to realize like,
Speaker 1: oh this is this is helping me, It's like fueling
Speaker 1: me a little bit. So I feel like once I
Speaker 1: started to change the narrative, and you know, I started
Speaker 1: to grow and I was like okay, yeah, like I
Speaker 1: just said, of like quiet that voice, Yeah, yeah, I
Speaker 1: really appreciate that, and I want you to know that
Speaker 1: I've always appreciated your energy and being around it. So yeah, exactly,
Speaker 1: it's always been wonderful. And like I remember years ago,
Speaker 1: that's when I remember connecting with you first was when
Speaker 1: like I think you told Ryan about Think like a
Speaker 1: Monk on one of your episodes. Oh yeah, I was
Speaker 1: getting hit up with loads of messages about it saying yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: and then I think that's I think that was like
Speaker 1: how we first like at least connected on Instagram, and
Speaker 1: and to me, it was just I remember watching that
Speaker 1: clip back and it was just like you were you
Speaker 1: were so like Ryan had no idea what it was.
Speaker 1: You were just so positive about what I was. Very passionate. Yeah,
Speaker 1: very passionate. I think we take ourselves so seriously. I
Speaker 1: think that it's okay to be silly and to be
Speaker 1: animated and to like, you know, I find there's so
Speaker 1: much vulnerability in those moments of life, and yet nobody
Speaker 1: wants to talk about these embarrassing things or you know,
Speaker 1: like I used to do when I was dating, I
Speaker 1: would like set the dinner table for myself and my
Speaker 1: future partner, like he wasn't there, but I would, and
Speaker 1: I would clean out my post so there was space
Speaker 1: for him to come like I did. All those weird
Speaker 1: manifested her entire life. But I'm like, I don't take
Speaker 1: myself too seriously, you know. I'm like, if somebody says
Speaker 1: something works for them, I'll try it, you know, try it,
Speaker 1: and if it doesn't work for you, doesn't work. Share
Speaker 1: the embarrassing moments because we're all we all have them. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I can relate to that. I don't think I've ever
Speaker 1: talked about this. When I came back from being a
Speaker 1: monk and I couldn't get a job anywhere, I used
Speaker 1: to dress up as if I was going to work,
Speaker 1: and I'd go to my local library and sitting there
Speaker 1: and read books and apply to jobs. But it was
Speaker 1: like me going to work like that feeling of like
Speaker 1: I've got to show up as if I already do,
Speaker 1: and then I'm able to attract him, able to behave
Speaker 1: better able to be more professional. And so I love
Speaker 1: that example that everyone's gonna be doing that now. Videos. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I think the setting up at the table was like
Speaker 1: a little bit maybe too far, but I do I
Speaker 1: encourage the crea create, like give yourself a drawer that's
Speaker 1: just empty in your room and give a big chunk
Speaker 1: of your cloth? Is it that's just empty? And I
Speaker 1: was like, this is me creating space? Like how am
Speaker 1: I supposed to bring a man into my life that
Speaker 1: I desire so much if there's no space for him
Speaker 1: in here? Like actually no space. There is not an
Speaker 1: inch of space in this room for somebody to come in.
Speaker 1: So I created. I left an entire drawer, like a
Speaker 1: big drawer. I did not know that. Oh yeah, and
Speaker 1: now who who takes up more space? I still take up,
Speaker 1: but there's a lot of space for Robbie. And on
Speaker 1: the opposite, I have a way bigger wardrobes than Robbie. Bad. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I love it. Yeah, RADI is so understanding sport. Yeah.
Speaker 1: All right. The next the next one that I picked
Speaker 1: out that I loved, and everyone's listening. There are one
Speaker 1: hundred days to finding the hope. Enjoy you one. I'm
Speaker 1: just speaking some of my favorite that stood out to
Speaker 1: me and talking to these incredible authors, Tanya rad and
Speaker 1: Michel Stevens. Authors, yes exactly authors And of course you
Speaker 1: can order the book in the comments and caption um.
Speaker 1: All right, This second which I loveds be true to you.
Speaker 1: I think this is something that is an idea that
Speaker 1: we really struggle with because I see this meme and
Speaker 1: I'm sure you both have seen it on like Instagram
Speaker 1: and TikTok and everyone, and it's it's probably my favorite thing.
Speaker 1: And so it says, society says, Colon, be yourself. And
Speaker 1: then society says, Colon, no, not like that. Right, we
Speaker 1: live in this world where it's that be yourself. And
Speaker 1: then when you be yourself, and I was like, no, no no, no,
Speaker 1: not like that, but please don't be that version of yourself. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And it's like this really interesting idea that we're constantly
Speaker 1: be told be true to you. But then when you
Speaker 1: really see someone in all their authenticity and all their
Speaker 1: flaws and all their genuineness, we don't like you. We
Speaker 1: consider it ugly when the truth is we all have
Speaker 1: that inside of us, like we all are that. So
Speaker 1: how have you both got comfortable with looking at the
Speaker 1: parts of yourself that make you uncomfortable? I don't want
Speaker 1: to live my life not accepting those things. So I've
Speaker 1: had times in my life where my flaws are things
Speaker 1: that I don't maybe love about myself. Have really you know,
Speaker 1: they've given me anxiety, or they've made me feel badly
Speaker 1: about myself. You know, when I especially during my high
Speaker 1: school years, I was like, you know, do I not
Speaker 1: look good enough? Am I not this enough? Am I
Speaker 1: not that enough? And it's like, I'm either going to
Speaker 1: live like that, live insecure, concerned with you know, maybe
Speaker 1: more of the external things, or I'm going to be
Speaker 1: so filled up with who God created me to be,
Speaker 1: which is loved, valuable, accepted just the way I am.
Speaker 1: And through doing that and accepting that and through being myself,
Speaker 1: I feel like I've been able to cultivate a life
Speaker 1: that is authentic to me. I have relationships that are
Speaker 1: real as a result of being myself, of being true
Speaker 1: to me, because if we're not, the other path is
Speaker 1: not It's not great. You're going to live constantly anxious.
Speaker 1: You're gonna have surface relationships because you're hiding a part
Speaker 1: of who you are. And so I think that it
Speaker 1: takes courage to be vulnerable. But what's on the other
Speaker 1: side of that is total freedom and real connection and
Speaker 1: all the things that we really want in life. I
Speaker 1: think what I have found to be the issue with
Speaker 1: this is social media. And I love social media. I
Speaker 1: have a really great relationship with it. I have people
Speaker 1: that the people that follow me on Instagram are so
Speaker 1: encouraging and so lovely. Yes, there's a couple here and
Speaker 1: there that are negatives, but for the most part, it's
Speaker 1: a really beautiful community for me. But I have realized
Speaker 1: that I think it's really damaging in many ways because
Speaker 1: we're playing the comparison game. So it's like, yes, I'm
Speaker 1: going to be true to myself, but everybody is holding
Speaker 1: this bag, and so I'm going to spend all my
Speaker 1: money to get this bag. So I have it in
Speaker 1: my social media because that's what everybody's doing. And I'm
Speaker 1: not sitting here to say, you know, spend your money
Speaker 1: how you want. But I think that we've been wired
Speaker 1: to kind of chase this unattainable lifestyle that might not
Speaker 1: be within our means, and we're, like I wrote about
Speaker 1: in the book, being financially fit was really important for
Speaker 1: me because in saving and you kind of have to
Speaker 1: like take that comparison and live your own life because
Speaker 1: you're going to go into debt trying to keep up
Speaker 1: with the Joneses when that's not in your means. And
Speaker 1: so I think the comparison game in that way. I
Speaker 1: talk a lot about finances because I think it's not
Speaker 1: talked about, especially with younger women. Enough you know the
Speaker 1: importance of saving. And also with all these filters. I
Speaker 1: remember I wrote a specific chapter about this because I
Speaker 1: was very alarming. I'm thirty years old and I was
Speaker 1: using this supermodel filter and I loved the way I
Speaker 1: loved my face. I was like, Wow, she's gorgeous, and
Speaker 1: so I would get I would look in in the
Speaker 1: mirror and I would get kind of like how. I
Speaker 1: even went to the point where I took a screenshot
Speaker 1: of my face with the filter and a screenshot of
Speaker 1: my face regular sentence to my friend that's a plastic surgeon,
Speaker 1: and said what do I need to do to look
Speaker 1: like this? And he responded with, like, I don't even
Speaker 1: know it now. There was a nose job, cheek fillers, know,
Speaker 1: some sort of taking out the fat in my cheek,
Speaker 1: and I was just like, this is so wild. I
Speaker 1: am a fully developed woman and I'm having this conversation
Speaker 1: right now. Imagine how damaging this is for somebody younger
Speaker 1: and insecure and figuring out who they are. And so
Speaker 1: I kind of made a point right then and there,
Speaker 1: I stopped using filters on Instagram because I was like,
Speaker 1: I don't want anybody to see me in a different way,
Speaker 1: and I also don't want to mess with my own
Speaker 1: head and like look in the mirror and think, oh,
Speaker 1: you know, I want to look in the mirror and
Speaker 1: see myself. And so I made a really big point
Speaker 1: to just like stop using the filters, and I put
Speaker 1: a challenge in the book for people to do the
Speaker 1: same for even just like twenty four hours, just to
Speaker 1: like post without a filter. It's okay and kind of
Speaker 1: get used to that, because I think the more you
Speaker 1: the more you are accepting of yourself in every way
Speaker 1: social media and not on social media, it just gives
Speaker 1: you a different sense of confidence. I think, Yeah, can
Speaker 1: you show me that filter off towards ye, make sure
Speaker 1: lips big that that. I love that challenge. By the way,
Speaker 1: I think that challenge is awesome. I love the idea
Speaker 1: that it's obviously if anyone wants to change the way
Speaker 1: they look or anything. You know, I don't think anyone
Speaker 1: here saying that. Yeah, I don't think I'm not against
Speaker 1: any of it, but I think that there's a fine
Speaker 1: line between you know, uh, looking at yourself and just
Speaker 1: being sad on a regular basis and just and almost
Speaker 1: that distance that's created between when you start seeing yourself
Speaker 1: as someone else on a screen, right, and then when
Speaker 1: you start seeing yourself as someone else in the mirror,
Speaker 1: and that distance wider and wider and wider. That's really hard, yeah, right,
Speaker 1: And if I remember when, so when we're in the monastery,
Speaker 1: there were no this is really phenomenal. When we're in
Speaker 1: the monastery, there's no mirrors, so you lose the idea
Speaker 1: of identity and how you look. Now you you shave
Speaker 1: your hair and stuff, so you don't even have hair
Speaker 1: to look at it. Whatever. But the point is that
Speaker 1: I would catch myself looking at my reflection when I
Speaker 1: was like if I was on the streets and I
Speaker 1: was walking past a store or window, I would catch
Speaker 1: myself looking at my reflection because I was so used
Speaker 1: to that from before, and it was so interesting to
Speaker 1: me to not look in the mirror for like a
Speaker 1: big chunk of my life is such a fascinating thing
Speaker 1: of like you lose that sense of like that's important
Speaker 1: and you actually have time to go in that's wild
Speaker 1: ye yeah. And so so hearing your idea in the
Speaker 1: same way of like, hey, don't really use filters, You
Speaker 1: actually get more time to get to know yourself. You
Speaker 1: get more time to love yourself, appreciate yourself, and deal
Speaker 1: with the reality rather than a false reality that can
Speaker 1: really mislead you and mess you up with when you
Speaker 1: do look in the mirror and now you're disappointed with
Speaker 1: how you look. Face tune is wild. I mean you can,
Speaker 1: you can really do some wild things on that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you have to be really skilled to use those things. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but it does. No, I'm not, I'm terrible. I'm like
Speaker 1: terrible all of that stuff. But but no, I really
Speaker 1: love both your answers to that, and I love that challenge.
Speaker 1: And the book has more challenges and which I love,
Speaker 1: which I love challenges because I think that they're the
Speaker 1: simple little habit tricks and hacks that we need in
Speaker 1: order to learn these very deep, profound lessons. Yeah. The
Speaker 1: other thing I was just saying on an interview that
Speaker 1: I was doing was the idea of and I'd love
Speaker 1: everyone to think about this, and I'd love you to
Speaker 1: come up with a challenge for this, maybe like the
Speaker 1: real time, maybe I just came up with this, So
Speaker 1: ignore me if it's really hard, if we'll try, and
Speaker 1: if it goes terribly, we'll cut it out. Okay, So
Speaker 1: I was talking about So we talked about the mirror
Speaker 1: one about me and the monster, and actually what you're
Speaker 1: coming up with is like a brilliant challenge for that
Speaker 1: same principle. Another thing that I felt I learned while
Speaker 1: living as a monk was we lost the concept of
Speaker 1: time because I didn't have to be anything by twenty five,
Speaker 1: or if I would have stayed longer as a monk,
Speaker 1: it wasn't like by thirty you have to be married
Speaker 1: in this right, like, So when I lived as a monk,
Speaker 1: there was no timeline because once you were a monk,
Speaker 1: you're a monk, and there was nothing that you had
Speaker 1: to do at thirty forty fifty. And obviously I didn't
Speaker 1: I wasn't there for that long. But you could see
Speaker 1: the seventy year old monks, we're doing the same thing
Speaker 1: that the twenty five year old monks are doing, Like
Speaker 1: there was no big discrepancy in there. And so you
Speaker 1: lose the sense of time. How do you think we
Speaker 1: can all let go of that sense of like, well,
Speaker 1: by thirty, I need to be in a relationship by forty.
Speaker 1: I need to be a millionaire by whatever it may be,
Speaker 1: right these timelines that society comes up with, can we
Speaker 1: could we all co create a challenge that helps people
Speaker 1: lose a sense of time. It's funny that you bring
Speaker 1: that up, because I think that's something that I really
Speaker 1: struggle with right, like very much. So, you know, I
Speaker 1: thought I was going to be married with kids at
Speaker 1: twenty five and so, and that didn't happen. I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: you know what, and I have something. I wanted you
Speaker 1: to share an example that you have told me before,
Speaker 1: because I think it's really good. I think that there's
Speaker 1: a scripture that I love, and it says talks about
Speaker 1: like content with little, content with much. You know, it
Speaker 1: talks about being content with whatever circumstance you're in. And
Speaker 1: I think what's interesting is that we can be like, oh,
Speaker 1: I just really want to be married. I really want
Speaker 1: a partner. And then you talk to your married friends
Speaker 1: and they're like, enjoy your single like whatever. You talk
Speaker 1: to people with kids, You're like, I want kids, and
Speaker 1: they're like, oh, enjoy having no kids. And you know,
Speaker 1: I think that each season of life is so beautiful
Speaker 1: and unique in its own way. And I think when
Speaker 1: we make a choice to just be happy and grateful
Speaker 1: for right now, and it's like, Okay, I'm single, I
Speaker 1: don't have kids. I have my freedom. I can pick
Speaker 1: up and do whatever I want at any time, Like
Speaker 1: that is a blessing for right now. But Tanya got
Speaker 1: a direct message. I tell him the story. Okay, see
Speaker 1: everybody the story. It's so beautiful that really that's such
Speaker 1: a I love that content with little, content with much,
Speaker 1: with much. Yeah, that's beautiful. And it is so important
Speaker 1: to appreciate the season that you're in because I think
Speaker 1: I was never shy about the fact that I want
Speaker 1: I wanted to be married, I want to have kids,
Speaker 1: and that's a desire of my heart. So like I
Speaker 1: would pursue that like I pursued my career. When I
Speaker 1: tell you I went on probably two hundred dates in
Speaker 1: seven years. I went on probably more, and I really
Speaker 1: gave it my all, like I pursued it just as
Speaker 1: hard as I pursued my career. And it's funny because
Speaker 1: I think God did this, like he purposefully gave me
Speaker 1: a very long single season, because I would not have
Speaker 1: pursued my career the way that I did had I
Speaker 1: been in a romantic relationship. And I know that about
Speaker 1: myself because I go, I'm all in, you know, like
Speaker 1: I'm all in on my relationship right now and I
Speaker 1: love it. It's the best season ever. But had this
Speaker 1: been ten years ago, I wouldn't have been able to
Speaker 1: build what I did. And so I know, like God
Speaker 1: was like, I see you. I know I'm going to
Speaker 1: fulfill the desire of your heart, maybe not in the
Speaker 1: time that you think. And it's interesting because I got
Speaker 1: this DM and I had spent the day. I went
Speaker 1: on like a nine mile run, and I was cleaning
Speaker 1: out my apartment and I was saging, and I was
Speaker 1: you know, I was on Instagram and just saying, you
Speaker 1: know what I was doing for the day. And I
Speaker 1: was going through a breakup. So I was harper. I
Speaker 1: was really sad, and I wasn't shy about it. And
Speaker 1: some woman responded to me and she said, I would
Speaker 1: give anything to trade lives with you. Right now. I
Speaker 1: am currently breastfeeding one baby, potty training another that's peeing
Speaker 1: all over the floor while I'm making my husband breakfast.
Speaker 1: I would give anything to be in your situation right now.
Speaker 1: And here she is with the life that I desire,
Speaker 1: and she's saying she wants to switch places with me,
Speaker 1: And so it was such like a direct message from
Speaker 1: God that like, you're where you're supposed to be. Enjoy
Speaker 1: this moment, enjoy the season. It's not going to be
Speaker 1: like this forever. You know, seasons don't last forever. They
Speaker 1: are seasons for a reason, and so it was like
Speaker 1: very timely that message. Wow, Yeah, I guess the challenge
Speaker 1: could be think about your life today and where you're
Speaker 1: at and what you're grateful for. So maybe write it down.
Speaker 1: I'm if I'm single, I have my freedom. I can
Speaker 1: go to bed when I want, I can to the
Speaker 1: store if I want to, I can go meet a friend.
Speaker 1: If you have kids, think about, you know, things that
Speaker 1: you're grateful for with your kids, with your husband, and
Speaker 1: so maybe the challenges. You know, I'm grateful for this
Speaker 1: right now instead of focusing on future. I want more
Speaker 1: of this, I want a better job, I want you know, partner, boyfriend, husband, kid, like,
Speaker 1: just think about It's it's gratitude, right, and I think
Speaker 1: gratitude eliminates angst about the future. But I also think
Speaker 1: I remember reading this in your first book it was
Speaker 1: about not attaching your happiness to like things, to the
Speaker 1: title or the whatever, you know what I mean, It's
Speaker 1: like attaching your happiness to this like state of mind
Speaker 1: and like relationships and that stuff. That is what life
Speaker 1: is about. Yeah, No, I love what you're both saying.
Speaker 1: I think the Freaky Friday moments really interesting, Like this
Speaker 1: idea of like switching lives with someone that you think
Speaker 1: has it all. And if you were able to do that,
Speaker 1: most of us, you know, maybe with backtrack to some
Speaker 1: degree or there'd be some more appreciation for our life
Speaker 1: even if And of course that's that's different depending on
Speaker 1: how different those examples are. But I think also it's
Speaker 1: different for women because we do have like a biological clock,
Speaker 1: so there is like that little timeline and I've I've
Speaker 1: been kind of dealing with that a little bit lately.
Speaker 1: But I think now there's so many resources, there's so
Speaker 1: much you can do. I know women that are having
Speaker 1: babies on their own, you know, they couldn't find a
Speaker 1: partner and so they're just doing it on their own.
Speaker 1: And I think it's such a liberating time to be
Speaker 1: a woman. And so I think all of these things
Speaker 1: are slowly starting to like become less of a timeline. Yeah, yeah, definitely,
Speaker 1: And I agree with you. I think that, you know,
Speaker 1: I think the pressure to do something because of just time,
Speaker 1: and you're right. As a woman, definitely you experience it
Speaker 1: far more. And it's I talked to Rady about this
Speaker 1: all the time, and it's it's such a Yeah, it's
Speaker 1: a challenge, but I like that challenge, your quell of
Speaker 1: like bigring out what you currently have that you once
Speaker 1: dreamed of. Yeah, it's almost like when you currently have
Speaker 1: that you really wanted. Yeah, because there was a time,
Speaker 1: like you're saying that you will have really pursued the career.
Speaker 1: Now you have the career and you're pursuing the next thing.
Speaker 1: And it's like, yeah, but what do I have right
Speaker 1: now that I once really wished for. It could be
Speaker 1: as small as I get a bit of free time.
Speaker 1: It could be as big as I have the career
Speaker 1: I want. It could be as huge as I have
Speaker 1: the partner and the kids, whatever it is, or I
Speaker 1: can run a mile today. It can be so small exactly.
Speaker 1: And I one more thing too that I want to say,
Speaker 1: is what which touches on all of this and helps
Speaker 1: with it, and is Actually the reason that we wrote
Speaker 1: the book is that the best advice I could give
Speaker 1: to anyone is to prioritize your inner life, because when
Speaker 1: your inner life is strong, you can handle anything that
Speaker 1: comes your way. So those seasons where you're like really
Speaker 1: wishing and hoping for that thing and you don't have
Speaker 1: it yet, your inner life is what sustains you when
Speaker 1: you get the job, when you have the partner that
Speaker 1: you've always wanted, it humbles you and it fills you
Speaker 1: with gratitude. It as opposed to ego and arrogance and
Speaker 1: everything in between. When your inner life, when your spirit strong,
Speaker 1: even in the mundane moments, that's what gives you inspiration,
Speaker 1: fills you with awe. And so I think just the
Speaker 1: best life advice for anyone at any age is prioritize
Speaker 1: your inner life. That will fill you up to be
Speaker 1: able to handle anything that comes your way. Absolutely absolutely.
Speaker 1: I have something that I often repeat to myself from others,
Speaker 1: which is when things are bad, work hard, or when
Speaker 1: things are good, work harder. Yeah, and I mean that
Speaker 1: on your internal self. When things are good externally, it's
Speaker 1: really easy to forget that. Actually you're only able to
Speaker 1: have this amazing external experience because of the inner work. Absolutely,
Speaker 1: like years ago or months ago, and then when things
Speaker 1: are great, you like stop doing the inner work, and
Speaker 1: then all of a sudden, now you're in a cloudy
Speaker 1: season and that because you didn't do the inner work
Speaker 1: in the last season, it's not protecting you. And so
Speaker 1: I yeah, I love that. And if that's the heart
Speaker 1: of the book, I think you know it, really I
Speaker 1: would love that. I know our community does that. Everyone
Speaker 1: who listens to on purpose is such an inner work person,
Speaker 1: and I'm glad that they now have a hundred new
Speaker 1: ways of doing that. One of the other ones, I've
Speaker 1: got a few more if you don't mind it, right,
Speaker 1: I want to talk about this one because I think
Speaker 1: it's a big one. Be done with shame, right, This
Speaker 1: one was like, this one really stood out to me
Speaker 1: because I think shame and guilt are things all of
Speaker 1: us carry in so many different ways. They weigh us down,
Speaker 1: They let us potentially push someone away that we love,
Speaker 1: They block us from receiving love. Shame and guilt are
Speaker 1: just this huge what looks like a shield, but actually
Speaker 1: it's just a barrier and keeping things out and not
Speaker 1: letting us be ourselves and not letting people love us.
Speaker 1: Talk to me about what shame and guilt has blocked
Speaker 1: in your life and how you've changed your relationship with
Speaker 1: shame and guilt. Yeah, so Brene Brown about shame as
Speaker 1: shame as I am bad, and guilt is I've did
Speaker 1: I've done something bad. And guilt can be a good
Speaker 1: thing right makes us not repeat the same mistakes. But
Speaker 1: shame is a deep, deep belief of Brine. Brown describes
Speaker 1: two things shame and guilt. Shame as I am bad,
Speaker 1: guilt as I've done something bad. Guilt can be good
Speaker 1: and healthy because it helps us to not make the
Speaker 1: same mistakes again. Shame is extremely difficult and heartbreaking because
Speaker 1: it's a deep belief of I am bad, I'm not
Speaker 1: good enough, I'm not this enough, I'm not that enough.
Speaker 1: And when we live our lives from a place of shame,
Speaker 1: we miss out on being our true, authentic self. And
Speaker 1: so I almost could cry talking about it, because shame
Speaker 1: it you know, in friends that I've close, friends that
Speaker 1: I have that have experienced shame. It breaks my heart
Speaker 1: because you can see, you know, it's stabilitating. And in
Speaker 1: my own life areas where I've felt some shame, maybe
Speaker 1: I'll go back to high school. Maybe you know other
Speaker 1: girls getting the boyfriend, or that me not feeling pretty
Speaker 1: enough for example. You have to do the inner work
Speaker 1: right because it's like that's not true. It's like, I
Speaker 1: am beautiful. God's created me exactly the way that I
Speaker 1: am meant to be. And if I go on to
Speaker 1: carry that shame, then that's going to affect me. It's
Speaker 1: going to affect me when I'm out on dates, it's
Speaker 1: going to affect you know, how I see myself, and
Speaker 1: that is extremely detrimental. And so you get through shame
Speaker 1: through first acknowledging it, being able to speak it aloud,
Speaker 1: maybe to a trusted friend, and then you pray about
Speaker 1: it or you meditate on it, and that's when you
Speaker 1: do the inner work of like, okay, God, the universe,
Speaker 1: help me to see myself as you see me, beautiful, wonderful,
Speaker 1: made exactly the way that I was created to be.
Speaker 1: And it takes time and it takes work. Tanya's really
Speaker 1: big on visual, like seeing things visual. She You've told
Speaker 1: me before about your body. You'll right on the mirror,
Speaker 1: I am this, I am beautiful, I am this, and
Speaker 1: seeing it and speaking that over yourself so when negative
Speaker 1: thoughts come, I'm you know, I'm I don't like my
Speaker 1: love handles or whatever. It's like, I'm beautiful that my
Speaker 1: love handles are beautiful and speaking truth over yourself and
Speaker 1: that is how you come against shame. Well that's a
Speaker 1: great explanation. Thanks. Yeah, No, I mean I could. We
Speaker 1: could do a whole podcast on shame because I literally
Speaker 1: I'm like getting emotional thinking about it right now, because no,
Speaker 1: you could cry. It breaks my heart. It's like, I
Speaker 1: guess people live in that they live in. I can't
Speaker 1: believe you start crying on podcasts right now, But I
Speaker 1: my friends that I and you can see it on
Speaker 1: people and you can feel it off of them and
Speaker 1: it holds them back. And that's why I care a
Speaker 1: lot actually about We want to take this book into
Speaker 1: schools and into junior highs and high schools because kids
Speaker 1: that are dealing with shame, their brains are developing or is.
Speaker 1: It's a lot harder when you're adult. I think about
Speaker 1: my friends that are adults and they are experiencing that shame.
Speaker 1: It's a lot harder to move forward and change those
Speaker 1: negative self beliefs. But when you're younger, it's it's easier
Speaker 1: because your your brains aren't fully developed. So it is
Speaker 1: possible everyone can do the work, everyone can heal and change.
Speaker 1: But it absolutely breaks my heart. And for anybody who's
Speaker 1: listening who feel shame about something in their life, maybe
Speaker 1: they haven't ever shared with anybody, It's like, it doesn't
Speaker 1: matter what it is, you are, you are enough, nobody
Speaker 1: is ever too far gone. There's a mistake you've made,
Speaker 1: there's nothing you've done that can't be healed, and it's
Speaker 1: just Yeah, and the difference that she expressed from Brenda Brown,
Speaker 1: the difference between guilt and shame is so powerful because
Speaker 1: it is it's like we've all we all make mistakes,
Speaker 1: we all trip, we all fall, and being able to
Speaker 1: kind of like speak on that guilt, pray about it.
Speaker 1: I made that mistake and I don't want to live
Speaker 1: in that mistake and moving forward with my life, like
Speaker 1: is so there's so much power or in that. I
Speaker 1: think a lot of people don't know how to get
Speaker 1: to the other side. Yeah, And I think often we
Speaker 1: stop other people moving on with their guilt because we're
Speaker 1: still stopping ourselves from moving on from our guilt. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And it's like an insecurity when we see someone say
Speaker 1: I'm going to leave my shame behind guilt help me grow,
Speaker 1: and we can't deal with that because we haven't done
Speaker 1: that for ourselves. Yeah, so powerful, And I'm putting out
Speaker 1: there too. I think I think this book would make
Speaker 1: a great book club book. Yeah. I can see a
Speaker 1: lot of people reading it together are reflecting on a
Speaker 1: lot of these ideas, doing these challenges together. Like it's
Speaker 1: a very practical book, and I'm a big fan of
Speaker 1: practical books because I think that it's not just a
Speaker 1: book that you're going to read on your own. Hopefully
Speaker 1: there's a book that you grab for your friends. You're
Speaker 1: going to read it together. You're going to discuss all
Speaker 1: these even in the way us three are like, this
Speaker 1: is really I find this really therapeutic, Like you know
Speaker 1: right now, even me, but even me, like I feel
Speaker 1: like I'm opening up because you guys are opening up.
Speaker 1: And there's these beautiful themes that you've selected in the
Speaker 1: book that everyone can relate to. Like none of them
Speaker 1: everything that everyone, everything we've all said is is stuff
Speaker 1: that we're all dealing with in very unique different way. Totally,
Speaker 1: but it's still there. Okay, I've got a couple more
Speaker 1: that I want to pick up. I really like this
Speaker 1: one because it's obviously linked to my new book Eight
Speaker 1: Rules of Love. Yes, And I love that this comes
Speaker 1: up in your book, so it's prioritize character over chemistry.
Speaker 1: And I love this because you know, I'm a I'm
Speaker 1: a big romantic. I'm a big fan of chemistry, and
Speaker 1: I'm also just a big fan of love, like I'm
Speaker 1: obsessed with it. I'm kind of like you in the
Speaker 1: sense of I always had this obsession with wanting to
Speaker 1: be madly in love, wanting to be married, wanting to
Speaker 1: have like this amazing relationship like that was a big
Speaker 1: part of who I want, what I wanted when I
Speaker 1: was a kid. And then I married someone who doesn't
Speaker 1: like PDA, who doesn't like who isn't a romantic. It's
Speaker 1: been amazing, Like it's it's so much growth and a
Speaker 1: beautiful but I love this idea of character over chemistry.
Speaker 1: And I wanted you to describe and maybe China, you
Speaker 1: can start with this one. It's like, what is the
Speaker 1: what is the difference? And then what did you mean
Speaker 1: by this? So I was at this a friend's wedding
Speaker 1: of um, this was a while ago and the the
Speaker 1: guy that was officiating the wedding, the pastor said it
Speaker 1: was it was a Bible verse and it was all
Speaker 1: about prioritizing character over chemistry. And he said, chemistry can
Speaker 1: lead to some healthy, you know, couple good years of marriage.
Speaker 1: Character is what's going to last you a lifetime in
Speaker 1: a marriage. And I started thinking about that, and it's
Speaker 1: so true. When you're dating. Chemistry is the first thing
Speaker 1: that we all just we all cling to, you know,
Speaker 1: I want to make out with you. I like, you know,
Speaker 1: I'm very physically attracted to you. Chemistry is what takes
Speaker 1: the dating world, you know, to the next step. But
Speaker 1: it's the character. You can have chemistry with somebody and that,
Speaker 1: but that's going to fizzle, it's like a fire, it's
Speaker 1: going to burn out. But character is what lasts a lifetime.
Speaker 1: And so that's what I found to be so interesting
Speaker 1: when I was in my dating world, because it was
Speaker 1: I was prioritizing the chemistry. It was like, oh, no,
Speaker 1: I don't want to go out with him because like
Speaker 1: I don't want to make out with him, you know,
Speaker 1: Like that was always my go too. It was like,
Speaker 1: what was I physically attracted to? Him, And yes, I
Speaker 1: think that is important obviously in a relationship, but I
Speaker 1: don't think it is the number one thing. And I
Speaker 1: think if you meet someone or you know, the friends
Speaker 1: are trying to set you up and they're like, this
Speaker 1: is a really quality person, they have a really great character,
Speaker 1: I think it's totally worth going out with because that's
Speaker 1: what's going to last the lifetime, I think. And that's
Speaker 1: something that I always say about my boyfriend right now.
Speaker 1: His character is like, yes, yes he is. Just his
Speaker 1: character is so strong. He's got great energy. He's been
Speaker 1: through so much in his life and you wouldn't even
Speaker 1: know it because he puts it like he just carries
Speaker 1: himself so well. He doesn't bring past experiences into his
Speaker 1: new relationship. He just has such a strong character. And
Speaker 1: I think that and we obviously have chemistry too, But
Speaker 1: the character is what trump's everything like. It is just
Speaker 1: it's so porton. I think when you're dating, remembering that
Speaker 1: is like so crucial. So I want to ask you,
Speaker 1: and there's two hundred dates you went on, which which
Speaker 1: by the way, is inspiring, and I want to talk.
Speaker 1: I want you to talk about that because I have
Speaker 1: so many friends right now who struggle with dating, are
Speaker 1: scared of dating. I was literally talking to a friend.
Speaker 1: You know who you are if you're listening to this episode.
Speaker 1: I sent a voice note late last night to a
Speaker 1: friend saying, dude, there's a guy I was like you justifying.
Speaker 1: I was like, dude, you literally need to meet this
Speaker 1: person because I don't see what's what you don't like
Speaker 1: about her, like as in and if you don't go
Speaker 1: out on a date, you're not going to know anything.
Speaker 1: You can't decide based on a picture in someone's bio
Speaker 1: of like, so I was just saying, you need to
Speaker 1: get out there. And I think so many people today
Speaker 1: and we have to be honest, like the pandemic set
Speaker 1: us back with social interactions, social anxiety. When people are
Speaker 1: scared of meeting people, people are forgotten how to have conversation.
Speaker 1: People may not be as confident with who they are anymore, Like, yeah,
Speaker 1: we can't ignore that. How did you, first of all,
Speaker 1: how did you find the courage inspiration to go out
Speaker 1: on two hundred dates? Like every time? Because I think
Speaker 1: people got on one or five and they're seven and
Speaker 1: they're tired, exhausting, Yeah, and it's very disheartening. Yeah, so
Speaker 1: so let's talk about that first, and then the second
Speaker 1: part I'm going to ask you is and I'll save
Speaker 1: the second question and then Raquel, I'm coming to you
Speaker 1: in a second. Yeah, i'd love to talk to her
Speaker 1: about it. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I think the thing that
Speaker 1: I was like the one hit wonder. I'll go out
Speaker 1: with anybody once because I'm with you, like, you don't
Speaker 1: know if you're gonna get along with somebody. You can
Speaker 1: only tell so much on a photo and a bio.
Speaker 1: So I would always say yes to a first date.
Speaker 1: But I matter what not, even if you didn't like
Speaker 1: their picture, even if you want attractive. Yeah, I would
Speaker 1: go out. Um, but I was I didn't go on
Speaker 1: very many second dates. Like I'm very quick to know,
Speaker 1: and so I would know like it's not going to happen.
Speaker 1: So when I say two hundred, it was just like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I would just keep it moving, you know, keep it moving.
Speaker 1: There were a couple in there that I would date,
Speaker 1: you know, a couple months here and there, and I
Speaker 1: think I did the longest I did somebody was six months. Um.
Speaker 1: So they're like little heartbreaks throughout the whole, and it
Speaker 1: is it's disheartening. It's just like, is he out there?
Speaker 1: Like I thought this was going to be him, and
Speaker 1: then it turns out, you know this guy like I
Speaker 1: dated when I tell you the stories, and that's why
Speaker 1: I wrote the Dating Book, because I'm like, it's it
Speaker 1: feels like a movie some of these things. I met
Speaker 1: a guy and Wilshire Boulevard rolled down his window, asked
Speaker 1: me on a date, went out with him. He was
Speaker 1: totally yeah, yeah, yeah, she really said yes. Yes, I
Speaker 1: literally said yes. But you know, time after time it
Speaker 1: does get very disheartening. But I always had this journal,
Speaker 1: it's called My Dear Future Husband Journal, and after really
Speaker 1: bad dates, I would come home and I would just
Speaker 1: write and and that's the book. Yeah yeah, but I
Speaker 1: would always look at I would write and like I
Speaker 1: would write about hope and the hope that I had
Speaker 1: for this man. I knew it was out there, because
Speaker 1: when God puts a desire in your heart, he fulfills it. Again,
Speaker 1: it might not be on your timetable, but like, it's
Speaker 1: such a strong desire of my heart to have a partner,
Speaker 1: to share a life, to be married, to have a family,
Speaker 1: and so I knew he was going to fulfill it.
Speaker 1: So I would write to my future husband, just I
Speaker 1: would just write to him in this journal after every
Speaker 1: bad date, and it kind of kept me out of
Speaker 1: that mindset of this sucks. There's nobody out there like uh,
Speaker 1: our guys really like you know, I mean, it was
Speaker 1: everything under the sun. So that journal really helped me
Speaker 1: keep hope alive in my life. So that's kind of
Speaker 1: how I navigated the dating. Oh all right, Raquel, I'm
Speaker 1: coming to you, and then I'm coming back to you
Speaker 1: for the qui quel. All right, So no, well, I
Speaker 1: guess the questions about obviously this character of a chemistry piece.
Speaker 1: And you know you've you know, you've talked about this before,
Speaker 1: just about how like dating in relationships a secret you
Speaker 1: and it's hard like you, you're not you don't just
Speaker 1: dive in. No, no, no, you know, you're very careful
Speaker 1: and composed and like again, you know, I think you're
Speaker 1: such an accomplished person internally and externally and and society
Speaker 1: and I talk a lot about this in my book,
Speaker 1: where society has made us believe that we're inadequate if
Speaker 1: we're not with someone. Absolutely, yeah, I completely disagree with that. Obviously,
Speaker 1: you have another section in this book which is all
Speaker 1: about the power of finding solitude, which I love, which
Speaker 1: I'm such a big proponent of. And even in Tanya's case,
Speaker 1: she was talking about how like being single was so
Speaker 1: important for her now being together and she was able
Speaker 1: to achieve things. So how do you how have you
Speaker 1: made peace with that part in your life where that's
Speaker 1: something you're figuring it out, it's not something that's worked out,
Speaker 1: But you're not disqualifying yourself because of it. You're not
Speaker 1: making it reflect on who you are. And obviously, as
Speaker 1: I'm saying, I know who you are and anyone I'm
Speaker 1: just throwing out there would be lucky to be with Raquel,
Speaker 1: And I mean that, and I've always said that to you,
Speaker 1: like off camera, like you know, yeah and so. But
Speaker 1: but you're someone who's who's patient and getting it right.
Speaker 1: So like, how do you deal with that as we're
Speaker 1: dealing with all these other guys as well, because great questions. So,
Speaker 1: first of all, character over chemistry every day. I completely
Speaker 1: agree with everything that Tanya said. You can find a
Speaker 1: lot of people that you have chemistry with, but you
Speaker 1: want to be with a person of character. That's what's
Speaker 1: going to lead to a peaceful life. I have not
Speaker 1: dated seriously in the last ten years, which I think
Speaker 1: can be really surprising to people because they're like, you're
Speaker 1: in your twenties, it's you know, your prime, and you're
Speaker 1: not dating. And it is something that I take extremely seriously.
Speaker 1: So I do go on dates and I'm open to it.
Speaker 1: But unless something truly feels right and I see the
Speaker 1: person as a person of integrity, a person of character,
Speaker 1: I time is too precious and I will not invest
Speaker 1: my time in someone that I don't feel is right
Speaker 1: for me. And through not dating, I've been able to
Speaker 1: have an amazing time in my twenties with my friends
Speaker 1: and building a career and traveling and living a great,
Speaker 1: very fulfilled life as a single person. And I feel
Speaker 1: enough and whole on my own. So for me to
Speaker 1: be with someone, which I would love to to be
Speaker 1: with someone, I would like to find a partner of character,
Speaker 1: someone that together we are stronger, I love that. Saying
Speaker 1: you know two or stronger than one, I would absolutely
Speaker 1: love that. But I am totally content and at peace
Speaker 1: in the meantime, and I'm open to it, and I
Speaker 1: think that you know you're right. There is a lot
Speaker 1: of pressure on people to feel like, oh, I'm not
Speaker 1: enough if I don't have a partner, But of course
Speaker 1: we are. We're individuals and we are you know the
Speaker 1: truth that you're born alone and you die alone, and
Speaker 1: so your relationship with you is the most important thing
Speaker 1: to prioritize. And when you prioritize that, then you're going
Speaker 1: to be the best version of yourself for when that
Speaker 1: partner does. But I do think it's like so important
Speaker 1: for people to hear that because I do think that
Speaker 1: there are a lot of people, myself included. If I
Speaker 1: looked at myself at twenty one, I didn't think I
Speaker 1: could function without. I was just jumping from a relationship
Speaker 1: to relationship. I didn't want to be alone. And when
Speaker 1: I was single, I was able, Like I lived alone
Speaker 1: for the first time, and I you know, I started
Speaker 1: investing my money and like, you know, things that I
Speaker 1: just never thought that I would do or what I
Speaker 1: could do on my own, you know, Like I always say,
Speaker 1: like I'm a modern woman, and I really feel like
Speaker 1: I developed this strong sense of self and now that
Speaker 1: I do have a partner, he it does it just
Speaker 1: it's like, um, it is she just made me stronger
Speaker 1: as a person and my life better. But I feel
Speaker 1: like it's so important because if you just attach yourself
Speaker 1: to somebody because you don't want to be single, yeah,
Speaker 1: it can lead you down a bad path. You know,
Speaker 1: it's not going to lead you to your potential if
Speaker 1: you're just dating somebody because you don't want to be alone.
Speaker 1: I think you needed to date someone to elevate you. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: And I think I think it's so right. Like I
Speaker 1: think when you run from relationship to relationship to relationship,
Speaker 1: that's when you fall in love instead of growing in love.
Speaker 1: And I think for anyone, like I've been with rather
Speaker 1: enough for nearly ten years, and it's it's been more
Speaker 1: growth than falling, like like that fallen growth. Yeah, we
Speaker 1: fell in love, sure, like that statement. As always, I've
Speaker 1: always wanted to fall in love. So that's that's that's
Speaker 1: because of Hollywood, and that's because of movies and music.
Speaker 1: That's not because of me. When now, as someone who
Speaker 1: believes I'm in love with someone who's in love with me,
Speaker 1: we're growing every day. We don't fall more deeply in
Speaker 1: love together like we grow more deeply in love. There's
Speaker 1: so much more evolution and learning, and it's really interesting.
Speaker 1: I was talking about this the other day that so
Speaker 1: many people feel like enjoyment is the peak of a relationship,
Speaker 1: and I'd actually say, like the amount you've grown together
Speaker 1: and involved together is like the peak of a relationship
Speaker 1: because it makes life easier, yea, rather than you know,
Speaker 1: just pleasure, not saying there isn't any kind of like
Speaker 1: the chemistry and character point. I want to go back
Speaker 1: to both of you on that because I fully agree
Speaker 1: with you too. How do you discern character? Like how
Speaker 1: do you because I think a lot of people say,
Speaker 1: I know if I'm attracted to someone, right, I know,
Speaker 1: if we have a bit of a spark because we're
Speaker 1: going back and forth and there's you know, distress and excitement.
Speaker 1: But character, It's like, how do you know? Because character
Speaker 1: is such a big word. You know, we always hear
Speaker 1: these scary stories about I was dating this guy and
Speaker 1: then he had a whole other family, like in another state. Right,
Speaker 1: I don't know, podcast arts out with like this shady boyfriend,
Speaker 1: I'm like huh yeah, or like or like you find
Speaker 1: out that you know, this person isn't everything they said
Speaker 1: they were. They didn't have that much money or whatever
Speaker 1: it was, or like well they didn't look like whatever,
Speaker 1: like there's just so many and yeah, those are all
Speaker 1: extreme scenarios, right, so I don't want to put that
Speaker 1: out there. Yeah yeah, make everyone feel like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: everyone you meet, but you have to be skeptical and
Speaker 1: they have to get a private investigator or something like that.
Speaker 1: But but I guess my point is, how have you
Speaker 1: learned to discern character when you are meeting people and
Speaker 1: when you were dating? And I would love to hear
Speaker 1: it from someone who's gone through that process, like more
Speaker 1: recently than me. I think, Um, the way that they
Speaker 1: handle obviously the first meeting, offering to pick you up
Speaker 1: or you know, like offering to pick you up, but
Speaker 1: also saying if you're more comfortable to meet there, but
Speaker 1: like the gesture seeing if they want to come to you.
Speaker 1: How do they treat the people at the restaurant? You know,
Speaker 1: how do they treat the waiter? How do they treat
Speaker 1: the hostess? Are they you know, um, when they're speaking
Speaker 1: about their life and their passions and other people, are
Speaker 1: they talking badly about other people? Do they have a
Speaker 1: sense of spirit or you know what I mean? Like,
Speaker 1: I think it's just being super like lasered in on
Speaker 1: how they're you know, like on a first date, there's
Speaker 1: only so much you can tell, but I feel like
Speaker 1: you can also still tell a lot well. And I
Speaker 1: think I'm really big on looking at the fruit of
Speaker 1: people's life. And I think what I mean by that
Speaker 1: is who are their friends? Who do they surround themselves with?
Speaker 1: Are they generous it doesn't have to be with money,
Speaker 1: or they generous with their relationships? Are they generous with
Speaker 1: their time? But I think who people have around them
Speaker 1: says a lot about a person. So if you meet
Speaker 1: someone and you meet the friends, are they're not really
Speaker 1: cutting it, you know what I mean, it's or or
Speaker 1: there's certain things that feel a little bit off, then
Speaker 1: that's a sign. Yeah, those are great. I love all
Speaker 1: of those. Everyone's listening and watching. Write those down, yeah,
Speaker 1: because they're so awesome. To take a screenshot of where
Speaker 1: we are on the episode right now, because all of
Speaker 1: those are such great ways to know character. Some of
Speaker 1: mine that I love is I want to see someone
Speaker 1: when they're tired, stressed, and irritated. Feel like when I
Speaker 1: see someone and that doesn't make me decide whether they're
Speaker 1: a good person or bad person, because, by the way,
Speaker 1: I'm really not nice on I'm irritated. But it's like,
Speaker 1: I want to see someone with those emotions because that's
Speaker 1: like really seeing their character. When you see people in
Speaker 1: a date in an interview format, they're really tired, stressed,
Speaker 1: they're fatigued. And when you see someone who's feeling those things,
Speaker 1: like I remember when I first saw Rady in those ways,
Speaker 1: or Rady saw me in those ways, it was healthy
Speaker 1: for us to actually get to know the kind of
Speaker 1: like the reality of certain emotions you are going to
Speaker 1: feel if you end up with someone. Yeah, those don't
Speaker 1: come out for a while. I think the character, it's
Speaker 1: not tested in our good moments. It is tested in
Speaker 1: our somebody. But I think you can figure that out
Speaker 1: on a date, you know what I mean. I think
Speaker 1: also like learning, when you're learning about somebody, you can
Speaker 1: really kind of ask questions. And I feel like I
Speaker 1: remember when I was inating, I was very aware of
Speaker 1: my mishaps and my patterns that were toxic and dating,
Speaker 1: and you know what I mean, like being able to
Speaker 1: share that with somebody and like being vulnerable, like you know,
Speaker 1: I used to do this a lot, and I would,
Speaker 1: you know, kind of being vulnerable in that way and
Speaker 1: then just kind of seeing how they also dealt with,
Speaker 1: you know, adversity in their life, I think is also
Speaker 1: a true testament to carry before we get to the
Speaker 1: final five. Is there a question I haven't asked you
Speaker 1: or something that's on your heart? Both of you are
Speaker 1: such hot, centered, deep people that, like, I want to
Speaker 1: make sure that if there's anything intuitively that's within you
Speaker 1: that you really want to share with the on Purpose community.
Speaker 1: Is there something that's on your mind or heart that
Speaker 1: I haven't asked you or you really want to share
Speaker 1: that you'd like to share our hope with right It's
Speaker 1: it's hard work to write a book, you know, and
Speaker 1: so our hope is really that that people would read
Speaker 1: it and you know, they would feel like they're reading
Speaker 1: along with two friends, and that they would know that
Speaker 1: they're not alone. And I'm not just saying that as
Speaker 1: something to say, whatever you're facing in life, you are
Speaker 1: not alone. And so you know, we welcome people sending us,
Speaker 1: you know, direct messages or you want to send an
Speaker 1: email if you know you have questions, or even if
Speaker 1: you want prayer for something, like you know, I'm here
Speaker 1: and we're here, and we are all in this journey together,
Speaker 1: on this journey together, and I think that it can
Speaker 1: be easy to turn on the news or to look
Speaker 1: at our world today and feel very discouraged and think,
Speaker 1: this is not the Sunshine mind. This is a dark world.
Speaker 1: There's a lot of unrest. But the truth is there
Speaker 1: is way more good in the world than there is bad,
Speaker 1: and sometimes you have to fight a little bit for it.
Speaker 1: But it is possible to live life with what we
Speaker 1: call the Sunshine Mind. And I hope that people through
Speaker 1: reading this can can feel that from our writing. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I really I do. I hope that there are tangible
Speaker 1: things that people can take away, you know. And we
Speaker 1: wrote in their like live life through Hope colored glasses,
Speaker 1: because I think oftentimes it's easier to look at the
Speaker 1: negative and go down a dark path. And I think
Speaker 1: that we choose hope, we choose joy, and it's not
Speaker 1: to be little people that have, you know, strong feelings
Speaker 1: and things that are going on their lives. But I
Speaker 1: think like on the daily you can really you can
Speaker 1: kind of train your brain to look at life in
Speaker 1: a different way. And so yeah, we'll find that, yeah,
Speaker 1: so beautiful. And again the book is called The Sunshine Mind.
Speaker 1: One hundred Days to Finding the Hope and enjoy you
Speaker 1: one Tanya rad and Raquel Stevens. Make sure you follow
Speaker 1: them again. If you don't, go and grab a copy
Speaker 1: of the book. I have my final five that we
Speaker 1: ask every guest who's ever been on the show on
Speaker 1: their first time on the show. Right, So this is
Speaker 1: a rapid, fire fast five, which means the questions can
Speaker 1: only be answered in one word to one sentence maximum. Well, okay,
Speaker 1: there are people who follow the rules and there's nothing
Speaker 1: to win apart from my validation that there's some people
Speaker 1: that do it perfectly and there's some people that go
Speaker 1: off piece. I would prefer that we keep it tight
Speaker 1: because it's it's it's part of it. It makes them fun. Okay,
Speaker 1: and whoever ghos friend doesn't matter. We can do back
Speaker 1: and forth on each question. All right. The first question is, um,
Speaker 1: what is the best advice you ever you've ever received,
Speaker 1: heard or given? There's room for everyone. Chelsea Handler told
Speaker 1: me that, like one of my first days of work.
Speaker 1: Oh that's too much. Sorry, that's a great answer. No, no, no,
Speaker 1: If I keep nodding, yeah, there's room for everyone. That's cool.
Speaker 1: Prioritize the inner life. My mom taught me that I
Speaker 1: love that both great answers, very tight and very precise,
Speaker 1: makes a lot of sense, all right. Second question, what
Speaker 1: is the worst advice you've ever heard, received, heard, or received?
Speaker 1: If he loved me, he would, because I'm going to
Speaker 1: ask you to complete that for me. If he loved me,
Speaker 1: he would. We always say if somebody loves you enough,
Speaker 1: they will do anything and everything, and I think that
Speaker 1: that's just not It's such an unrealistic expectation that we've
Speaker 1: been told for years and years and years, and I
Speaker 1: think it's it's it's problematic. That's you love that one.
Speaker 1: Got another episode on that, all right, Riquee. Right before
Speaker 1: I moved to La twelve years ago, I was living
Speaker 1: in Chicago and someone said to me, you're meant to
Speaker 1: stay here. You know, the grass isn't greener on the
Speaker 1: their side is greener where you water, which I think
Speaker 1: that statement can be true certain times. But you know,
Speaker 1: I disagreed with that person, who is a big voice
Speaker 1: in my life at the time. I wrote about it
Speaker 1: in the book and I thought, no, my piece is
Speaker 1: telling me that I'm meant to go to La. And
Speaker 1: I think a lot of times when people are close
Speaker 1: to us, we can listen to their advice and actually
Speaker 1: go with it, but listen to people, but then trust
Speaker 1: your inner voice. Great, great, Okay, so yeah it's bad
Speaker 1: advice because they were asking you to stay, telling me
Speaker 1: to stay, and I thought the first second, I was like,
Speaker 1: maybe I will stay, but no. Question number three, what's
Speaker 1: the biggest lesson you've learned in the last twelve months.
Speaker 1: Compromise is a beautiful thing. I think people often hear
Speaker 1: that word and they think you're selling yourself. Sure, I
Speaker 1: think it can be a very beautiful thing. All right, riquee.
Speaker 1: When you're living a life of integrity, you always sleep
Speaker 1: peacefully at night. Wow. I think I had a lot
Speaker 1: of moments this past year, like career stuff, different things
Speaker 1: that happened, or you know, people say that. So they
Speaker 1: said that, and it's like, no, you know who I am.
Speaker 1: I had to say watching you through that season of life. Yeah,
Speaker 1: as a friend, it was she was so admirable to
Speaker 1: just see anybody that was in that situation could have
Speaker 1: really crumbled and really, you know, been shaken up by
Speaker 1: everything that was going on, and it did not repelt.
Speaker 1: She knows who she is, she knows the person, she
Speaker 1: knows her character, and she was not like it was
Speaker 1: just it was really cool to see because you really do,
Speaker 1: like I mean and everything that's in the book, like
Speaker 1: you really these are this is how we live our
Speaker 1: life and it's in those moments when you're faced with
Speaker 1: these situations that it comes into play. And like you
Speaker 1: really strong question Num before, what's your favorite day each
Speaker 1: in this book that you can't wait when they when
Speaker 1: people get it for them to read. Is there a
Speaker 1: specific day that, like, out of the hundred days that
Speaker 1: you both like feel is one of your favorites that
Speaker 1: you can't wait for people to get to. I'm a
Speaker 1: big fan of catch a Vision. I love I make
Speaker 1: vision boards every single year. Um, so I think catch
Speaker 1: a Vision is one of my favorites. I can't remember
Speaker 1: exactly which day it was, but the one on forgiveness
Speaker 1: I wouldn't expect you remember, catch a Vision is day
Speaker 1: fifty four? Ye, catch a Vision is day fifty four.
Speaker 1: And then which one is your one? Forgive? Forgive someone
Speaker 1: sixty three? Yeah? Yeah, so forgive someone on page sixty three,
Speaker 1: thank you Jay for reminder or for telling us day
Speaker 1: sixty three. Um, you can't live a life of freedom
Speaker 1: without being able to forgive. And so I forgive everybody
Speaker 1: and everything. Um. Sometimes that's a little more of a process.
Speaker 1: Sometimes it's easy, um, but it is essential to live
Speaker 1: a happy life, beautiful all right. Fifteen final question for
Speaker 1: both of you. We we failed on this. Fin been
Speaker 1: chatting away, No, No, I've been asking yeah, felt it? Well,
Speaker 1: it's I always get intrigued by yea and they I
Speaker 1: asked people to answer them in one word, one sentence,
Speaker 1: because then people get really thoughtful and then you can
Speaker 1: really get into it. Okay. Fifth and final question. If
Speaker 1: you could create one law that everyone in the world
Speaker 1: had to follow, what would it be? I mean I
Speaker 1: already thought of mine. Oh all right, but it goes
Speaker 1: along with the book. But I would want either no
Speaker 1: filters or anything on social media or people. It has to, um,
Speaker 1: like say, what was used on this photo? Do you
Speaker 1: know what I mean? Because I think as a young girl,
Speaker 1: you're looking at all these photos and they've been photoshopped,
Speaker 1: and they've been put through so many filters, and you
Speaker 1: don't you don't see that. So it's like, if these
Speaker 1: platforms would tell you how much work was in putting
Speaker 1: this photo, I think it would relieve a lot of
Speaker 1: these expectations that we put on ourselves. So I think
Speaker 1: either removing all those or having like to disclose what
Speaker 1: you used on your photos video, that's great. We've never
Speaker 1: had that on the show. I love that. That's really
Speaker 1: I think because I do. I think that there's a
Speaker 1: lot that goes into our psyche that we from scrolling
Speaker 1: that you don't even realize is going into your psyche.
Speaker 1: That's very problematic. So if it's just all out there,
Speaker 1: you want to use your whatever's, use them, but just
Speaker 1: tell people. I love that. One mine would be don't judge.
Speaker 1: And I heard Maya Angelo to quote her again, she
Speaker 1: said something along the lines of if you are human being,
Speaker 1: you could never say of another human being. I would
Speaker 1: never do that because if you were living their life circumstances,
Speaker 1: if you were in their shoes, you would maybe be
Speaker 1: capable of the same. And so I think we have
Speaker 1: to be very slow to judge each other, and we
Speaker 1: need to give a lot more love, a lot more compassion,
Speaker 1: beautiful answers. Ever, on the books called The Sunshine Mine
Speaker 1: Hundred Days to Finding the Hope, Enjoy You Want, Tanya
Speaker 1: rad and Raquel Stevens, she go and grab a copy
Speaker 1: of the book. I'm so excited my friends. One of
Speaker 1: my favorite things is to use my platform and community
Speaker 1: to support my friends and people that I love, people
Speaker 1: that I think are bringing amazing energy into the world.
Speaker 1: And these two wonderful humans are doing just that. So
Speaker 1: I hope you'll show them all your love, all your support,
Speaker 1: all your energy and excitement. It would mean the world
Speaker 1: to me. And thank you both for your time and
Speaker 1: energy on on purpose. Thank you for means so much
Speaker 1: to us. And this has been incredible. Yeah. I could
Speaker 1: sit here for all day literally by having too much fun. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I really really appreciate it, Like honestly, can't say thank
Speaker 1: you enough. Amazing love, thank you, thank you, Jay, thank you.
Speaker 1: If you love this episode, you'll really enjoy my episode
Speaker 1: with Selena Gomez on befriending your inner critic and how
Speaker 1: to speak to yourself with more compassion.