Speaker 1: Hi, Hi, Hi, Hi. What's going on? Chelsea? Catherine? Chelsea Here,
Speaker 1: Catherine here, Hi, It's nice to meet you.
Speaker 2: Well, hello and goodbye because you're off to Spain.
Speaker 1: Hey, estado, precticondo mi espanol, toto por semana. I am
Speaker 1: in the thick of it. We be in Chelsea.
Speaker 2: You have been preparing for this for some time.
Speaker 1: A few months.
Speaker 3: I feel like I feel like I've been pregnant or
Speaker 3: something something like that. Drastic has happened to me. I'm
Speaker 3: carrying a lot of weight on my shoulders and I'd
Speaker 3: like to drop it. So that's what I'm going to do.
Speaker 3: But I'm having a very Some of my niece and
Speaker 3: nephews have arrived and we've already had some really good laughs.
Speaker 3: So we're off to a good start. And my brother
Speaker 3: is really a lot more fun without his wife. So
Speaker 3: I'd like to make sure I put that out there
Speaker 3: on record.
Speaker 1: I'll bet.
Speaker 4: So.
Speaker 2: Have you been up the mountain yet on your e bike?
Speaker 1: You know, I have sister, you know what. That's how
Speaker 1: I test for COVID. I take a really long bike
Speaker 1: ride and then if I feel better, it will feel
Speaker 1: good after I'm like, all right, I must be I
Speaker 1: must not be.
Speaker 2: Set exactly a long bike ride and then you come
Speaker 2: back and have a little apparel.
Speaker 1: Spring surprise, surprise. We ran out of beer on the
Speaker 1: very first day with my nephews, so they're clearly going
Speaker 1: to cost me about ten thousand dollars just with alcohol.
Speaker 1: I'd rather give that to some charity, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean?
Speaker 2: Well, and how long is your drug stash going to
Speaker 2: last this time? I mean you got to corrupt your
Speaker 2: nieces and nephews somehow.
Speaker 3: Oh, I have a supply for a long time, and
Speaker 3: I have a drug dealer in Spain, so it's not
Speaker 3: a problem. And now my Spanish is so good, I
Speaker 3: can just get um if I need them.
Speaker 2: Ooh, that's drug us, Master Goss, Is that what it is? Well,
Speaker 2: let's talk about our very exciting guests we have today.
Speaker 3: Well always, it's always an exciting guest, and we always
Speaker 3: say that because it is exciting, because otherwise they wouldn't
Speaker 3: be here.
Speaker 1: We wouldn't be talking to people that didn't excite us.
Speaker 3: Our guest today stars as the inimitable Susie Green on
Speaker 3: Curb Your Enthusiasm. Please welcome actress and comedians Susie es
Speaker 3: Men I'm sitting with Susie s Men, this is a
Speaker 3: late stage marriage.
Speaker 1: That you You got married when you were fifty three
Speaker 1: years old. Yeah, I met him at forty eight. Forty eight, OK,
Speaker 1: I just want to follow this trajectory. Here's what I'll say. Now,
Speaker 1: I don't know you well at all, barely, but I
Speaker 1: just know from what I've read, you've choose people that
Speaker 1: I would never go out with, like at work, executives,
Speaker 1: comedian rapper. Here's my theory. There's it's not my theory.
Speaker 1: It's like a known thing. There's the gardener, and there's
Speaker 1: the flower. You're a flower. You need a fucking gardener.
Speaker 1: I do need a gardener. Yeah. And these high powered
Speaker 1: guys they want to be flowered all the time. Like
Speaker 1: most men, they want to deflower.
Speaker 3: They want to deflower, and then they want to be
Speaker 3: the flower exactly. But some high powered men are very
Speaker 3: good at gardening because that's why they're in the position
Speaker 3: in the first place. Like if they're an executive, they're
Speaker 3: used to dealing with talent and they know how to
Speaker 3: deal with like personalities a large person.
Speaker 1: There's still an ego.
Speaker 3: Absolutely, Absolutely every person I've dated was a mistake.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so now we have to find you like a guy. Guy.
Speaker 3: Okay, I want to know about your guy. I want
Speaker 3: to know you met him when you're forty eight.
Speaker 1: Break it down. What happens? Okay, he was the brother
Speaker 1: of We're good. It was a mosquito? Was it really
Speaker 1: a mosquito? Because they love me? Man, they just eat?
Speaker 1: What do you think this is on my forehead? Susie's
Speaker 1: looking at a boulder. But I've noticed though, there used
Speaker 1: to be no mosquitoes in La and now this mosquito.
Speaker 1: That's right, they're all be warming. I met him his
Speaker 1: gay brother was one of my best friends, so we
Speaker 1: had references. You need references. I don't sleep with his
Speaker 1: gay brother ever. No, No, I'm not attracted to gay men.
Speaker 1: I like a man who, like you know, wants to
Speaker 1: be with women's Yeah, you know, you can always tell
Speaker 1: when a man is not into a woman's body. I know,
Speaker 1: I know it's really disappointing.
Speaker 3: And I can also tell when you know how men
Speaker 3: are supposed to be like butt men or boob men.
Speaker 1: I'm boobs. I don't have a butt.
Speaker 3: So when a man is a buttman with me, I'm
Speaker 3: very confused because I think i'm like giving them this
Speaker 3: great present, Like.
Speaker 1: Yeah, well you are looking at the gorge and they're.
Speaker 3: Real, they're natural, they're up, they're ready to rumble. But
Speaker 3: what's more interesting is that you are now a stepmother. Yeah,
Speaker 3: I raised the kids for how long did you raise
Speaker 3: those Well.
Speaker 1: I mean they were like when I met them, they
Speaker 1: were ten, twelve, fourteen, fifteen. You know, now they're adults.
Speaker 1: Now they're thirty thirty three, thirty five, thirty six like that.
Speaker 1: Now you know I had them for all those good
Speaker 1: teen years. Oh yeah, I never wanted kids. I don't.
Speaker 1: I don't agree with it. I never wanted kids, and
Speaker 1: I never you know, I mean I was the thing
Speaker 1: about a relationship when you're a comedian, is I think
Speaker 1: that men are intimidated by funny women. Yes, so you
Speaker 1: need a really secure guy, right, and you need a
Speaker 1: guy like my husband. He just loves all the attention
Speaker 1: I get, like annoyingly so that he like brags about
Speaker 1: me too much. Well, that's adorable. It's very cute. He's
Speaker 1: very he's also cute. I'm also you know, I'm only
Speaker 1: attracted to good looking guys.
Speaker 3: I know, I know I have I have a history
Speaker 3: of Yeah, my history is all over the shop. But
Speaker 3: I think that's also a good thing because I'm pretty
Speaker 3: open minded, like I'll try anything for a.
Speaker 1: Little bit and then I'm like, oh no. But but also, Chelsea,
Speaker 1: the paper thing, Fuck the paper? What paper?
Speaker 4: You know?
Speaker 1: What are they good on paper? That bullshit?
Speaker 3: Oh no, I don't have attention to it. Yeah, I
Speaker 3: have paying attention to my feelings, my instinct. You have
Speaker 3: to be attracted in the beginning, well, you have to.
Speaker 3: You can build attraction to someone. I wasn't attracted to
Speaker 3: my last long term boyfriend in the beginning and over
Speaker 3: time when you became friends and it just like hit
Speaker 3: me one day, and that has something that was something
Speaker 3: that never happened to me. Because I believe that too,
Speaker 3: that you had to be instantly attacked, and I feel
Speaker 3: like that can develop when you have a very close
Speaker 3: friendship with someone, although I prefer to be instantly Yeah.
Speaker 1: Well, but there's got to be attraction when you sleep
Speaker 1: with them, Well, when you have sex with them, yes.
Speaker 3: But if you're hanging out with someone as a friend,
Speaker 3: it can develop into romantic feelings without having had slept together.
Speaker 1: That's probably true. It's never happened.
Speaker 3: It never happened to you. Yeah, so when you met
Speaker 3: your husband, you knew he had kids. Your your friends,
Speaker 3: I believe, were a little hesitant to even introduce.
Speaker 1: His brother was hesitant. But his brother's now husband and
Speaker 1: boyfriend was a casting director, and he said, you're gonna
Speaker 1: like this guy. And I thought, well, he's in casting,
Speaker 1: he knows how to do that, right, that's a good point.
Speaker 1: So I listened to him and I made sure to
Speaker 1: meet him, and then I thought he was so cute.
Speaker 1: And then I thought I was just gonna have a
Speaker 1: fling with him because he had four kids and he
Speaker 1: lived up state, and it was like, you know, he
Speaker 1: was totally horrible on paper. But I used to have
Speaker 1: a bit in my act but I would say, but
Speaker 1: you know, you can't fuck paper, so you know. But
Speaker 1: so I just thought I was going to have a
Speaker 1: fling with him. And then I don't know what happened.
Speaker 1: I guess I was time. It was I was ready
Speaker 1: for something different. So I raised kids. I know, that's amazing.
Speaker 3: I know, teenage where they girls and boys men three
Speaker 3: girls that have boren But like now, I really like
Speaker 3: having an adult relationship with them.
Speaker 1: But the teenage thing. And then we had a house
Speaker 1: in the suburbs, and I don't know who I was,
Speaker 1: but then I was. I was still back and forth
Speaker 1: to LA and doing curb and doing stand up, and
Speaker 1: they gave me all new material that.
Speaker 3: Was the beautiors of course. Yeah, kids are really they
Speaker 3: give you a lot, they do. I mean, they take
Speaker 3: a lot of energy and stamina, you know, when you're
Speaker 3: on the road, like I have a lot of friends
Speaker 3: kids that I hang out with, my ex boyfriend's kids
Speaker 3: I'm very close with. Yeah, and when I have them
Speaker 3: with me traveling, you are forced to do way more
Speaker 3: than you would do.
Speaker 1: On your own life, and pay more attention and get
Speaker 1: up out of bed. But I see never sitting on
Speaker 1: toddlers and little kids. No, Oh, that's just diper No, No,
Speaker 1: why did you never want to have kids? I have
Speaker 1: never had the inclination.
Speaker 3: I just too, I love my life, and I just
Speaker 3: always saw myself as like this woman who was never
Speaker 3: going to be.
Speaker 1: Tethered to a man or to a child.
Speaker 3: Probably just a direct reaction to my own childhood because
Speaker 3: there were so many kids in our family, six and
Speaker 3: I was like, either I'm going to do that or
Speaker 3: I'm going to do the opposite.
Speaker 1: Did you have good parents? Well, I mean.
Speaker 3: They meant well, you know, they weren't terrible, but they
Speaker 3: weren't ideal.
Speaker 1: Yeah, well ideal, what's ideal? Exactly? There was a lot
Speaker 1: of love.
Speaker 3: My dad was Jewish, my mom was Mormon, so there
Speaker 3: was a lot of nonsense. But we had a pretty
Speaker 3: happy childhood. There was a lot of happiness, a lot
Speaker 3: of love in our family were very close. Speaking of families, though,
Speaker 3: I have to ask you about Bruce Springsteen and your
Speaker 3: scenes with him, because that was so fucking funny with
Speaker 3: Bruce on Curb.
Speaker 1: You know, he was amazing. He is he was amazing.
Speaker 1: I mean, okay, he does write all his own Bruce
Speaker 1: Springsteam we're talking about. Yeah, he does write all his
Speaker 1: own songs, and he did do a one man show
Speaker 1: on Broadway. But he's never been in any kind of
Speaker 1: TV or film ever. He told me he's never done
Speaker 1: something like this before. And he was incredibly relaxing, you know,
Speaker 1: as you know, we're all improvisedes. No, he couldn't learn dialogue.
Speaker 1: He just had to sit there and he just picked
Speaker 1: it up so quickly, and it was you know, you
Speaker 1: just never know how somebody It was not a comic
Speaker 1: is going to improve, it's going to improvise. And he
Speaker 1: was great. And you know he said to me before
Speaker 1: I before I left, he said to me, can I
Speaker 1: take a selfie with you? I was like, no, I
Speaker 1: don't take selfie. He was so humble.
Speaker 3: I know he's so I mean, have you seen him
Speaker 3: per formats? And of course he's so fucking awesome to watch.
Speaker 1: I saw him before for the first time last summer,
Speaker 1: this past summer in and then again in Hyde Park
Speaker 1: like in two weeks apart, and I will Hide Park
Speaker 1: in London, Yes, and I will forever be a Bruce
Speaker 1: Springstein family. That guy fucking plays for three hours and
Speaker 1: sometimes four hours. He's seven and four youngster. I know
Speaker 1: people talking about that who went to the Stones last weekend.
Speaker 1: They were saying they were like, you know they what
Speaker 1: are they in the nineties now, No, the eighties, but
Speaker 1: they said they were like, you know, on stage forever
Speaker 1: and just energy and I can't do that. Well, what
Speaker 1: is Mick?
Speaker 3: Mick Jagger is like a live carcass dancing around on
Speaker 3: the stage. I mean, have you ever seen a body
Speaker 3: that looks that frail, that is able to move in
Speaker 3: such with such volocity, sterity.
Speaker 1: No, I haven't, and not to mention the abuse of
Speaker 1: all those years of abuse. I know they say they
Speaker 1: get dryed.
Speaker 3: I've heard multiple times that they get some sort of
Speaker 3: blood transfusion, going, oh yeah, all the meds are like,
Speaker 3: the medics are there.
Speaker 1: This is when the Eagles play too. There's always like
Speaker 1: they're realer doctors just in case something, you know, they
Speaker 1: get like they pass out or whatever.
Speaker 3: But stand ups should happen, no kidding, I mean we
Speaker 3: need something because we're traveling.
Speaker 1: Just what's the longest show you've ever done? Probably like
Speaker 1: an hour and forty minutes. That's long, but that's the longest.
Speaker 1: That's long. The difference is you're up there all by yourself.
Speaker 1: I mean, they got musicians, and you know, it's very
Speaker 1: different being a musician than a comic. But I also,
Speaker 1: we're not dancing. We're not singing, and we're not Some
Speaker 1: comics are dancing, well, I wish I.
Speaker 3: Wish they would stop as well, but dancing singing like,
Speaker 3: it's definitely easier to do stand up.
Speaker 1: You're just I don't think so, Chelsea, Really, I don't
Speaker 1: think so. I think you're yees yes, physically you're up
Speaker 1: there standing with the mic in your hand. You know,
Speaker 1: I've never been one of these physical, you know, comics.
Speaker 1: But I just think stand up is so much harder
Speaker 1: than doing music because you got to get that laugh
Speaker 1: and you're by yourself. When you go to like a
Speaker 1: cafe or something, you see a combo, people are talking
Speaker 1: and they're just singing. They're all playing. They don't care
Speaker 1: if that was up on stage and they're all talking.
Speaker 1: We can't handle that. No, No, you're absolutely right, and
Speaker 1: you got to get that left what every fifteen twenty seconds?
Speaker 1: I was. I was on stage the other night at
Speaker 1: a show, and I remember thinking, I can't believe I'm
Speaker 1: supposed to be I'm the only one here to entertain
Speaker 1: this exactly, like it's completely on my shoulders. If this
Speaker 1: doesn't go, well, I don't do it anymore. You don't know,
Speaker 1: you don't do stand up anymore. I didn't know that. Yeah, Oh,
Speaker 1: why are you over it? Yeah? Really, it just stopped.
Speaker 1: You know a lot of things. I think that I
Speaker 1: was too addicted to the killing, and I got stale,
Speaker 1: and then I just wasn't that interested. It wasn't that
Speaker 1: creatively interesting, And it's just you know, I suffer from
Speaker 1: stage fright, and it was just so hard and if it
Speaker 1: wasn't creatively interesting. You know, my manager hates it because
Speaker 1: he's like, you can make a lot of money now,
Speaker 1: you know.
Speaker 3: I once quit stand up and all they did, I
Speaker 3: mean I took a break for like six years, and
Speaker 3: all they did was my reps, like you need to
Speaker 3: go back.
Speaker 1: You're leaving money on the table.
Speaker 3: It's so much money to leave on the table, exactly,
Speaker 3: And I was like, I don't have anything to say.
Speaker 1: I felt very sad. That's how I were saying right now.
Speaker 1: Maybe it'll change, but that's how I feel right now.
Speaker 3: I think creative stuff comes in bursts, you know. I
Speaker 3: think we all have bursts of creativity when we feel
Speaker 3: really like passionate about doing stuff, and then there's a retreat.
Speaker 1: You know a lot of times I'm retreated right now.
Speaker 1: I get it, and I feel I feel sad about
Speaker 1: it a little bit because there is something so great
Speaker 1: about it.
Speaker 3: Well, you're providing joy, yeah, and the most nicest way
Speaker 3: to describe it as you are providing a joy and
Speaker 3: a reprieve for other people. And I feel like for
Speaker 3: me when I went back to stand up, it was
Speaker 3: because I felt like I was helping, you know what
Speaker 3: I mean.
Speaker 1: I used to think that, you know, all those nights
Speaker 1: when you don't want to go on and I remember
Speaker 1: standing backstage and I'm just like, all right, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: go unclog some arteries now, you know. That would like
Speaker 1: get me going. But the thought of having not done
Speaker 1: it for like five six years, the thought of getting back,
Speaker 1: how did you get back? I did a book I
Speaker 1: did I wrote like my last book, and I did
Speaker 1: a speaking engagement tour, yeah, where I had different celebrities
Speaker 1: and all author's interview me on stage. Yeah. And then
Speaker 1: if you have a podium, it's a thing of yes yes.
Speaker 3: And while I did that, I just collected the material
Speaker 3: through the conversation for my stand up, you know what
Speaker 3: I mean.
Speaker 1: That's just smart, that's really smart.
Speaker 3: It was actually really a good way for me to
Speaker 3: get back in because I also was scared to get
Speaker 3: back on stage.
Speaker 1: Of course, if you haven't been on stage for rights,
Speaker 1: I'll do the evening with thing where somebody's in I
Speaker 1: like that. Yeah, of course, you know it takes it's
Speaker 1: the onus is off you exactly. Yeah.
Speaker 3: I want to go back to kurb because it's my
Speaker 3: one of my favorite shows, and it's so fucking funny
Speaker 3: and I love I remember auditioning for Larry once when
Speaker 3: I was like twenty five, and I was so excited
Speaker 3: because improv is all I want to do.
Speaker 1: I love improv. I hate scripts.
Speaker 3: I hate you know, it's so much easier just to
Speaker 3: fucking like what you do on the show, which is
Speaker 3: go off on whatever.
Speaker 1: It is that you don't have to. You don't have
Speaker 1: to lie in bed the night before and go over
Speaker 1: your lines and be nervous that you're not going to
Speaker 1: remember them, because I'm horrible about that. And it's not
Speaker 1: just that you don't have to learn a line, it's
Speaker 1: that you get to you get to be part of
Speaker 1: the creative process. I mean, you get to write your
Speaker 1: own material, right, which is what we do exactly. And
Speaker 1: you've called Larry a genius. Yeah, you think he's a genius.
Speaker 1: I do. I do because when I read, you know,
Speaker 1: we have an outline, as you know, there's like a
Speaker 1: very detailed outline. You know, every paragraph correlates to a scene,
Speaker 1: and so you know what the scene is about. And
Speaker 1: when I read the outlines, I can't figure out how
Speaker 1: he did it. It's transcendent. And I have a comic
Speaker 1: brain and I can't figure out how he did it.
Speaker 1: And it's just he's a genius at story. He's a genius.
Speaker 3: It's pretty interesting to talk to anytime I see him
Speaker 3: in public. He's always just very interesting to listen to,
Speaker 3: you know, to ask questions too well.
Speaker 1: His brain works in a different way, and that's what
Speaker 1: I think is genius. And you've been on the show
Speaker 1: for twenty plus years? How many? Four years? Twenty four years?
Speaker 1: Twelve seasons?
Speaker 3: WHOA, yeah, and you were a day player when you started.
Speaker 3: So when did you start? When did you get a contract?
Speaker 1: Season eight?
Speaker 4: Oh?
Speaker 1: Godb yeah? But you know what I was. I mean,
Speaker 1: I was guest star. I was like day scale for
Speaker 1: like the first three seats. I made no money on
Speaker 1: that show for like the very beginning. But they made
Speaker 1: up for it. It's fine. Oh they did it because
Speaker 1: we can always sue them. No, no, no, it's fine.
Speaker 1: They love to say they've been very good. HBO is
Speaker 1: a great place. The HBO treats their talent really well.
Speaker 1: And they've treated me in the in this last incarnation beautifully.
Speaker 1: I have no complaints.
Speaker 3: And so you guys just must sit on set and
Speaker 3: laugh your fucking at you.
Speaker 1: You show up on set and there's all the people
Speaker 1: that I came up with and stand up, you know,
Speaker 1: I mean Larry and John Hayman and Carol Leafer and
Speaker 1: you know, everybody's on set. I've been working with these
Speaker 1: people for twenty four years or whatever, and we just laugh.
Speaker 1: And Larry loves to laugh, and he just you know,
Speaker 1: whenever he gets yelled at, he just gets the giggles.
Speaker 1: We just laugh all day. We laugh and we eat.
Speaker 1: It's the greatest. And for me, I show up and
Speaker 1: I tell everybody to go fuck themselves, and then they
Speaker 1: love me for it, and then they give me money
Speaker 1: and I go home and you get to yell at, Yes,
Speaker 1: you get to yell at Jeff Garlic. Yea yell at
Speaker 1: It would be a pleasure for me as well. I'm
Speaker 1: very invidious of your situation. Yeah, that's exactly the kind
Speaker 1: of gig I would respect. You would love it.
Speaker 3: No script, outline, improvise, yell at people and go home.
Speaker 1: But also it's like more than just yelling at people.
Speaker 1: There's there's story. You have to push forward. And what
Speaker 1: Larry sets up with Jeff Schaeffer who's are the ep
Speaker 1: who writes all the outlines with Larry and he directs
Speaker 1: almost all the episodes. It's a true situation comedy in
Speaker 1: the sense that they set up these situations that like
Speaker 1: in the beginning of the season, I read the outlines
Speaker 1: that I'm just like, I can't believe what they have
Speaker 1: me doing this season. Oh I have I have to
Speaker 1: have vaginal rejuvenation surgery this season. It's like the ship
Speaker 1: that they get. They give me the funniest shit to do,
Speaker 1: and I just it's like, I can't wait to get
Speaker 1: to set and and act out these scenarios. You know.
Speaker 1: It's just it's like, whatever it is. You know, I
Speaker 1: guess I'm gonna have to learn signline, which is you know,
Speaker 1: I just read the outlanes is like I have a
Speaker 1: caftan business this season. Whatever it is, it's just they
Speaker 1: give me the funniest stuff to do.
Speaker 3: On that note, we're going to take a break and
Speaker 3: we're going to be right back to meet with some
Speaker 3: callers so Susie can dish out what she's so famous for.
Speaker 3: No pressure to be a bitch, though, Susie.
Speaker 5: This week, we're looking for relationship advice. If you're having
Speaker 5: a problem in your relationship, want to know how to
Speaker 5: do better or need Chelsea to weigh in on whether
Speaker 5: you're right about something. Right into Dear Chelsea podcast at
Speaker 5: gmail dot com and we're back.
Speaker 1: With Susie s Men. We are back, Catherine. What do
Speaker 1: we have going on?
Speaker 2: Well, we've got some women behaving badly, We've got some
Speaker 2: men behaving badly.
Speaker 1: So let's start.
Speaker 2: With a workplace conundrum. Maria says, Dear Chelsea. I work
Speaker 2: at a small office with six other women. I'm struggling
Speaker 2: with this one issue that's come to light in the
Speaker 2: past few months. One of my colleagues, whose single, late forties,
Speaker 2: beautiful woman, started dating this guy in his mid fifties
Speaker 2: who claims to be separated from his wife. The guy
Speaker 2: lives in a different city and he and my coworker
Speaker 2: only see each other every once in a while. Neither
Speaker 2: of them are on social media. At first, I was
Speaker 2: so happy for her, but as time went by, I
Speaker 2: started noticing that the only time she would see him
Speaker 2: was when he went to a conference. He would pay
Speaker 2: for all of her expenses. She'd have the best time,
Speaker 2: but a few of us in the office started wondering
Speaker 2: why she was never invited to his city to hang
Speaker 2: out with him at his place.
Speaker 1: Well, we know why, we know why.
Speaker 2: That's when my other colleague asked her what his last
Speaker 2: name was. I'm not proud to say we looked him
Speaker 2: up and it didn't take us more than five minutes
Speaker 2: to find his adult daughter's Facebook, where she had posted
Speaker 2: photos of the most recent family cruise, where he seemed
Speaker 2: pretty cozy with his wife. We wanted to give him
Speaker 2: the benefit of the doubt and thought, maybe they have
Speaker 2: an amicable relationship and still vacation together post separation, or
Speaker 2: maybe it's an open marriage. But if this is the case,
Speaker 2: then why wouldn't he just disclose this to my colleague?
Speaker 2: My question is do I tell my friend. I'm very
Speaker 2: much struggling to believe that she doesn't know about this
Speaker 2: because it took me so little time to find the
Speaker 2: photos online, so I'm not sure I'm ready to tell
Speaker 2: her and confront the fact that she already knows and
Speaker 2: just agrees to continue to see him. My gut feeling
Speaker 2: tells me to leave this alone because it's none of
Speaker 2: my business, But as a feminist, I find it very
Speaker 2: hard to ignore the fact that this man's actions are
Speaker 2: hurting his wife and honestly my colleague too, who clearly
Speaker 2: doesn't think she deserves an available partner. I'm a huge
Speaker 2: fan and would love to hear your thoughts on this, Maria.
Speaker 1: I'll tell you what I think. Well, hold on, Maria's here,
Speaker 1: hold you marisus Susie, Maria would I the most beautiful
Speaker 1: sound I ever heard? Susie is chomping at the Beria.
Speaker 1: Where are you there?
Speaker 2: You are?
Speaker 1: I understand your concerns, but kill the messenger. I would
Speaker 1: mind your own business. I would tell her, Yeah, you would.
Speaker 3: I would because I just as a woman, this is
Speaker 3: my philosophy. I feel like, since women are so fucked
Speaker 3: and men are almost fucking us over, if we don't
Speaker 3: have each other to rely on for the truth. And
Speaker 3: I understand you are gonna it is troubling to be
Speaker 3: the messenger, and she might be pissed at you, but
Speaker 3: I would want someone to tell me.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but she doesn't know anything firsthand. She just knows
Speaker 1: what she found online, right Maria, that's right?
Speaker 4: Yes?
Speaker 1: Yeah, So this so the girlfriend could find the same
Speaker 1: information online. Who goes out with somebody doesn't google them? Well,
Speaker 1: lots of people actually, Well they're dumb. Yeah, I don't
Speaker 1: google people ever.
Speaker 3: Really, the less I know the better, Otherwise I'll find
Speaker 3: some ick to be like, forget it. I don't want
Speaker 3: to meet you, you know, if I see a belt
Speaker 3: or like the rum shoe, you know, or if I
Speaker 3: see them walk funny have you because you're.
Speaker 1: A superficial Chelsea.
Speaker 6: Yeah, I mean it took me all of eight minutes
Speaker 6: to find this information she wanted to know.
Speaker 1: If she wanted to know, she could find out. If
Speaker 1: you knew this personally, like you knew the guy and
Speaker 1: knew the wife would be different to me. But it's
Speaker 1: your friend, it's her friend.
Speaker 3: Like, I think you should tell your friend what you
Speaker 3: found and let her see it, Like, yay, I just
Speaker 3: want you to know.
Speaker 1: This is what's the situation is. She's probably gonna stay
Speaker 1: in the situation. I mean, but she might not. She
Speaker 1: m might know about it already. Do you think she might?
Speaker 1: That's it?
Speaker 6: That's my like, And then it'd be super awkward for
Speaker 6: me to be like, I don't know. I'm struggling with
Speaker 6: telling her and her being like uh huh, And I'm like, oh,
Speaker 6: all right, I guess we think differently about this, you know.
Speaker 1: Can you anonymously tell her, oh, there's a thought. I
Speaker 1: mean we're a very small office. I mean, yes, splip
Speaker 1: her a note.
Speaker 3: You could get a fake email address and send her
Speaker 3: the link to his Facebook account or whatever you found
Speaker 3: from someone else, right, like from Susiesamon at gmail dot com.
Speaker 1: Or can you just like dig around and to figure
Speaker 1: out if she knows? Yeah, I mean if she doesn't know,
Speaker 1: then she's kind of dumb, you know. I mean from
Speaker 1: what you describe that, the red flags are all there,
Speaker 1: which is why you and your other coworkers are looking
Speaker 1: into this. Correct, that's right, That is correct.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and that's the thing too.
Speaker 6: It's just the last conference they went to, there was
Speaker 6: a dinner and she wasn't invited to the dinner. Of
Speaker 6: course she wasn't because she's not the white you know, like.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, how do you not see this? You know,
Speaker 1: how old is she? She's forty nine? I think no,
Speaker 1: forty eight. She's not a kid. That's not that's not
Speaker 1: good either. No, and you're right, maybe she does know.
Speaker 1: Like how close to a girlfriend is it? Is it
Speaker 1: a really close girlfriend or just like more of a
Speaker 1: work colleague friend. No, she's just my colleague we don't
Speaker 1: have to know, So maybe she's happy just to get
Speaker 1: laid every now and then and go to different conferences.
Speaker 3: I still think you should send her an anonymous link,
Speaker 3: get a fake email address and send it to her.
Speaker 1: If she's not a really good friend. I think it's
Speaker 1: awkward to say something. I do too. That's why the
Speaker 1: anonymous thing is better.
Speaker 3: Because she does deserve to know the truth, but you
Speaker 3: don't have to be the one giving it to her.
Speaker 3: That way, you don't have to get to deal with
Speaker 3: any of the reverberations of that true.
Speaker 1: And I don't want to make it awkward.
Speaker 6: You know, if she goes on and she knows I know,
Speaker 6: and it's like yeah, every day walking into the office, it.
Speaker 2: Would be I do wonder if there's some digging around
Speaker 2: the topic that you can do, like where do you
Speaker 2: see your relationship going? Do you think you might marry
Speaker 2: him one day or that sort of thing, or is
Speaker 2: it just for fun?
Speaker 1: At that age, I think it's completely reasonable to say,
Speaker 1: has he been married? Does he have kids? I mean,
Speaker 1: the guys know what in his fifties, Yeah he is,
Speaker 1: and she knows he has kids. She knows Okay, he
Speaker 1: had a wife that he just says he separated. Well,
Speaker 1: maybe he is. Who knows? I would go ahead with
Speaker 1: the anonymous and an anonymous email. I think that's a great idea,
Speaker 1: and I'm going to start giving that advice to more people. Actually,
Speaker 1: I think that's a really good idea.
Speaker 4: I hadn't thought about that.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean a forty nine year old woman. You're
Speaker 3: not dealing with a twenty two year old girl. You're
Speaker 3: dealing with a woman that might be fine with her.
Speaker 3: It might be okay with her, that might be all
Speaker 3: she wants that. You know, it's kind of nice not
Speaker 3: to have any full commitment to someone who has another family.
Speaker 6: I just think about the wife though, Like, you know,
Speaker 6: he's not in my business.
Speaker 1: But I know that's the thing I feel like all
Speaker 1: women's businesses, all of our business, I know, we don't
Speaker 1: know the information. Maybe the wife can't stand him. Maybe
Speaker 1: the wife does is fine with having him, living with him,
Speaker 1: but doesn't want to have sex with him. You know,
Speaker 1: who knows, who knows? They've been together a long time.
Speaker 1: Probably you know. The heat doesn't last. No, the heat
Speaker 1: does not last.
Speaker 6: And social media lized too right the photos I seen,
Speaker 6: she like, they're like very cozy with each other.
Speaker 1: But social media social media, right, so well, I don't know.
Speaker 3: I mean, that's not a lie necessarily if you're hugging
Speaker 3: someone in a photo, I know, and your other colleagues
Speaker 3: like coworkers, are on the same page. Yeah, okay, well,
Speaker 3: I think you do the anonymous email and then let
Speaker 3: us know what happens, let us know what the fallout is.
Speaker 1: I will for sure use my initials.
Speaker 3: Ch Okay, it's a lot of great Maria, thank you
Speaker 3: so much. By have a good stop interrupting the caller, Susie, Okay, sorry, Maritt,
Speaker 3: Oh my god, the heat doesn't last.
Speaker 1: What do you do in your relationship to keep the firebird?
Speaker 1: You just you kind of You make sure that you
Speaker 1: have sex well. Also, you know i'm posting an old lady.
Speaker 1: Now I'm post metapausal. That changes things too, But you
Speaker 1: make sure that you may have dates, and you make
Speaker 1: sure to make it happen. It's still enjoyable. It's just
Speaker 1: not like it was, you know, in the beginning. I
Speaker 1: know that's why I'm always reluctant to spend a long
Speaker 1: period of time with a man when I'm sexually attracted
Speaker 1: to him, because I know it will wane, and I
Speaker 1: want to keep those juices going. Yeah, so I like
Speaker 1: three days on and then like two weeks off and
Speaker 1: then a vacation. I think that's good.
Speaker 3: It just in general that keeps the fire burning, right,
Speaker 3: because once you're living with someone, it's over.
Speaker 1: But the important thing is to keep the familiarity with
Speaker 1: to keep the intimacy without being overly familiar. You know,
Speaker 1: when you're overly familiar and then you're infantilized, you become
Speaker 1: mommy and daddy and you're on the toilet. Yeah, exactly right, no, right,
Speaker 1: you know, you have to keep a little mystery. You know.
Speaker 1: It's like if I'm not in the mood, all right,
Speaker 1: you know, I'll take a little gummy and I'll make
Speaker 1: I'll get in the mood and I'll enjoy myself. It's
Speaker 1: just not the way that it was.
Speaker 3: It's like pizza, like you know, I think David Tel
Speaker 3: says that all the time. It's like pizza, pussy Santa, like,
Speaker 3: all of those things are going to be good once
Speaker 3: you go.
Speaker 1: And who would go better than David Tell about relationships.
Speaker 1: Take relationship advice from David Tell. Okay, what's next? Cotherine?
Speaker 2: All right, Well, Our next question is also a caller,
Speaker 2: and this question comes from Jess Dear Chelsea. I just
Speaker 2: moved to Montana from Maryland. I randomly thought of the
Speaker 2: idea after Christmas, when my dad and I got into
Speaker 2: a huge argument. I finally decided that I want nothing
Speaker 2: to do with him or my biological sister. They were
Speaker 2: some of the last people I cut off from my
Speaker 2: life in twenty twenty three. I'm pretty sure I've cut
Speaker 2: ties with ten to thirteen people in the last year.
Speaker 2: I have trauma from my past, but I'm not sure
Speaker 2: if that's the reason I've been cutting people off or
Speaker 2: if I'm just done with the fuckery. I feel like
Speaker 2: I hit a breaking point where getting close to people
Speaker 2: is more.
Speaker 1: Annoying than not.
Speaker 2: I've always had a lot of friends since grade school,
Speaker 2: but now I'm thirty one and I feel like I
Speaker 2: just don't have the space to hold for tediousness. People
Speaker 2: just don't like an a a female. I even cut
Speaker 2: off my therapist after one month because I felt like
Speaker 2: she was just a yes man. The thing is everyone
Speaker 2: I've cut off for my closest friends, and it feels
Speaker 2: like I hit a switch and suddenly gave no fucks
Speaker 2: about maintaining any friendships with them. My question for you
Speaker 2: is am I the problem because I've cut so many
Speaker 2: people off? Or is this just a part of life.
Speaker 2: Is running away quietly across the country the right solution?
Speaker 2: Or do I need to find closure with everyone. I've
Speaker 2: always been the person in my relationships to step forward
Speaker 2: and ask to have the awkward conversations. But I'm kind
Speaker 2: of sick of being the bigger person and saying I
Speaker 2: understand why you did this after they explain themselves and
Speaker 2: say sorry. But having cut so many people off, I
Speaker 2: have to ask, am I actually the problem?
Speaker 1: Jess? It's an interesting one. Mm hmmm, yeah, Hi Jess, Hi,
Speaker 1: how are you? We're good? Hi, how are you? This
Speaker 1: is our special guest Susie today.
Speaker 4: As Hi, Susie. Nice to meet you.
Speaker 1: Has Montana.
Speaker 4: Oh, today's like one of the first warm days, so
Speaker 4: I can't complain.
Speaker 1: Oh nice. My girlfriends in Montana. She just sent me
Speaker 1: a video of a rushing river.
Speaker 3: I was like, oh, she's on the set of Yellowstone
Speaker 3: and I was like, oh, this looks like Yellowstone.
Speaker 1: Oh nice, beautiful minus all the Republicans.
Speaker 4: Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 3: So you move from Maryland to Okay, so what's give
Speaker 3: us some idea what happened with your sister and your dad?
Speaker 4: Okay, sister and my dad. So my dad is pretty
Speaker 4: much a con artist. So like sometimes he'll get his
Speaker 4: car stolen quote unquote just to get the insurance money back.
Speaker 4: He's fallen in stores before, so those are like the
Speaker 4: bigger deals, and my sister just chooses to ignore it.
Speaker 4: Some other things that my dad has done, like on
Speaker 4: a smaller scale, would be me coming home. I'm a
Speaker 4: massage therapist, so coming home from school with all my
Speaker 4: books and him telling me that I'm not going to
Speaker 4: make it through school. And then when I bring it
Speaker 4: up in the future, he's like, I didn't say that's
Speaker 4: pretty much like gas lighting. He was not encouraging, not
Speaker 4: encouraging whatsoever. So I just didn't invite him to my graduation,
Speaker 4: you know, things like that. And when I do bring
Speaker 4: things up to him, he pretends like he never said it.
Speaker 4: Not only that, I got a call from one of
Speaker 4: my friends saying that my dad was going around offering
Speaker 4: to suck a guy's penis out of work where a
Speaker 4: lot of my friends have worked at. Right, So like
Speaker 4: I brought it up to his attention he denies the
Speaker 4: whole thing.
Speaker 1: Well that I understand him denying. And his daughter, do
Speaker 1: you know that he's gay or you?
Speaker 4: Yeah? Yeah, he oh he is gay. Yeah, but his
Speaker 4: partner passed away after twenty years due to an alcohol addiction,
Speaker 4: and he's just kind of gone off the reels.
Speaker 1: So he's emotionally unstable. Yeah, your dad is a hot mess.
Speaker 4: Yeah. Yeah. And my sister's excuse is that he's somewhere
Speaker 4: on the spectrum so he doesn't know any better.
Speaker 1: Well, she might be right about that, but that doesn't
Speaker 1: matter if it makes you feel uncomfortable.
Speaker 4: Right, And like, I mean, I have fifty years old,
Speaker 4: you should know better by now, you know?
Speaker 1: Well, I know a lot of fifty year olds who
Speaker 1: or sixty or seventy year old who don't know better.
Speaker 1: But you know, I think the cutting off of the
Speaker 1: family is a little bit of a different issue than
Speaker 1: cutting off of the friends.
Speaker 3: Yeah, talk to us about that, Like why are you
Speaker 3: cutting off so many friendships?
Speaker 4: I'm cutting off my friendships and a lot a lot
Speaker 4: of them are my long term friendships because I feel
Speaker 4: like I'm giving, given, giving, and then when I pull back,
Speaker 4: I don't get anything in return. Whether it's like materialistic
Speaker 4: or like emotional support or anything like that. Some of them,
Speaker 4: I'm just like, you're e fin stupid, you.
Speaker 1: Know, Jess. How old are you?
Speaker 4: Thirty one?
Speaker 1: Thirty one? Okay, so yeah, on that kind of And
Speaker 1: have you made some friends in Montana?
Speaker 4: Now, I've been here for about two months and I've
Speaker 4: been mingling. I've gone out with a couple of people.
Speaker 4: But I'm kind of having a problem of trying to
Speaker 4: figure out what I want to accept as friendships and
Speaker 4: how much I want to give of myself to other people,
Speaker 4: you know, you.
Speaker 1: Know, I mean, remember a point in my life where
Speaker 1: anybody who made me feel icky, I just cut out.
Speaker 4: Yeah, that's where I are.
Speaker 1: That wasn't everybody, you know, it wasn't.
Speaker 4: You know.
Speaker 1: You get to a certain point your life and as
Speaker 1: you move along and you change, and whether it's success
Speaker 1: or whatever, people start treating you a little bit differently.
Speaker 1: You know. But if you're cutting off, if it's like
Speaker 1: across the board everybody, I think you need to look
Speaker 1: within a little bit.
Speaker 4: Yeah. And I've kept like a few close friends, but
Speaker 4: I have had like a big broad spectrum of friends
Speaker 4: as well. Everyone always says Jes knows everyone, and so
Speaker 4: I've kind of been like that people pleaser of like
Speaker 4: what do you need? And I think I've kind of
Speaker 4: like taken a step back to be like, well what
Speaker 4: do I need? You know, and like why are you
Speaker 4: guys not giving it to me? And so now I'm
Speaker 4: getting pissed off that, like they aren't able to give
Speaker 4: me what I need.
Speaker 1: I think that's a very valid kind of place to be.
Speaker 1: But maybe you're going a little ex d but maybe
Speaker 1: you need to, maybe she needs to.
Speaker 3: I think it's a question of you know, when you're
Speaker 3: thirty one years old, you are transitioning into a different
Speaker 3: decade of your life, and you are becoming more mature,
Speaker 3: and you're becoming less tolerant, as we all know, as
Speaker 3: we age, we become less tolerant of the nonsense. Yeah,
Speaker 3: you don't want to surround yourself with people that don't
Speaker 3: appreciate you or that are only taking from you.
Speaker 1: But do you like speak with a therapist. Do you
Speaker 1: have a therapist that you talk to about this?
Speaker 4: Yeah, that was another thing. I try to talk to
Speaker 4: two therapists.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, you fired her too, right, Yeah, Well, finding
Speaker 1: the right therapist is very difficult. It's very difficult to
Speaker 1: find the right is that's true, they might not have
Speaker 1: been the right people. So that's that's you know, not
Speaker 1: necessarily on you.
Speaker 4: Yeah, but then that's where I am like, how do
Speaker 4: you start the therapy session without like spilling everything out?
Speaker 4: You know, like I've already done with you guys, Like,
Speaker 4: where do I hold back? Where do I give?
Speaker 3: Well, that's what therapy is for, is to vomit out
Speaker 3: all of your That's what the person is sitting there
Speaker 3: to listen to you tell them everything, and then hopefully
Speaker 3: they can help you digest it and figure out a
Speaker 3: way forward. I understand what you're saying. There's been a
Speaker 3: lot of people that I've nixed out of my life.
Speaker 3: There's a lot of people who've nixed me out of
Speaker 3: their lives, you know what I mean. Over the course
Speaker 3: of forty years, fifty years almost you know, that's happened
Speaker 3: a lot. I think you have to have a degree
Speaker 3: of self awareness, and it sounds like you do because.
Speaker 1: You're aware that you're cutting, you're asking the questionships. Yeah, exactly,
Speaker 1: And so from two Jewish women who've spent a lot
Speaker 1: of time in therapy, a lot of these are all
Speaker 1: good signs.
Speaker 3: These are signs of life. Okay, but I think it's
Speaker 3: good that you're questioning yourself. I wouldn't beat yourself up,
Speaker 3: but I would show grace to yourself while also showing
Speaker 3: it to the new people that you meet in your life.
Speaker 3: When you're meeting someone or you're forming a friendship with someone,
Speaker 3: it's it's not a competition about who's giving more. You know,
Speaker 3: you're getting a sense of who a person is, and
Speaker 3: over a period of time is when you really get
Speaker 3: to know somebody. So I would be graceful in your
Speaker 3: new relationships, knowing that you had a pattern of ending
Speaker 3: a lot of relationships or picking the wrong people to
Speaker 3: be close to you. Right, like moving into this new
Speaker 3: you have a whole new like life now right you're
Speaker 3: in Montana. You just got there. This is exciting and
Speaker 3: it's a whole new chance to paint like a great
Speaker 3: picture for yourself or a life. And I think you
Speaker 3: should show yourself grace, and you should show everyone you
Speaker 3: meet grace and just be a little bit less, you know,
Speaker 3: like expectant of what you're getting in return, what.
Speaker 1: Your expectations are. You know what your expectations are in
Speaker 1: a relationship and maybe you're expecting too much from people.
Speaker 1: And I also think that there's a big difference between
Speaker 1: friends and family. You know, family you're stuck that you
Speaker 1: don't choose them. Your friends you choose, so you know,
Speaker 1: if the family feels toxic to you in some way.
Speaker 1: I think it's okay to take a break from family too,
Speaker 1: I really do. It's not easy.
Speaker 4: See, I was nervous because Chelsea normally says, like, your
Speaker 4: family is your family, and like you have to work
Speaker 4: towards it.
Speaker 3: Well, not when your dad's offering has suck dick at
Speaker 3: a party, Like, no, that's not acceptable behavior.
Speaker 1: That's so awful to hear as a child that your
Speaker 1: father's it's really inappropriate.
Speaker 4: But to my friends, okay, So not only not only that,
Speaker 4: but then what do I do about my sister because
Speaker 4: now I feel like she kind of holds her children
Speaker 4: as currency and our friends or like in our relationships,
Speaker 4: so like she doesn't reach out to me whatsoever. She
Speaker 4: waits until I reach out to her. She'll pay attention
Speaker 4: to like my Instagram or my Snapchat stories, but other
Speaker 4: than that, like she doesn't like anything, She doesn't ask
Speaker 4: me how anything is.
Speaker 1: Sometimes you just need time, though, just sometimes you just
Speaker 1: need time. You left two months ago, it's not a
Speaker 1: lot of time. And sometimes these relationships, I mean, I've
Speaker 1: taken breaks with different members of my family because I
Speaker 1: just had to. And sometimes you just need that.
Speaker 4: How long is a break for you?
Speaker 1: You don't have to put a time frame on it.
Speaker 3: I think the most important thing to recognize is what
Speaker 3: Zusie said is totally right.
Speaker 1: First of all, you're very good. You can tell that
Speaker 1: your mother.
Speaker 3: Susie, you're very good at You drew a boundary, you
Speaker 3: moved to Montana, you got away from your family. Your
Speaker 3: sister and your nieces and nephews aren't necessarily the problem
Speaker 3: that you're expressing that you have with your father.
Speaker 1: That's a different, you know.
Speaker 3: I mean, they're there, but I think you give that
Speaker 3: time and you just stay in communication for the sake
Speaker 3: of the children obviously, and your relationship with your sister.
Speaker 3: And when she comes around, she comes around, but don't
Speaker 3: punish her, you know what I mean. Like, it's nice
Speaker 3: to just keep any line of communication open. If she's
Speaker 3: checking your stories and she's checking your snapchat, she cares
Speaker 3: what you're doing.
Speaker 4: Right, Okay, yeah, I think So what do you.
Speaker 1: Think she's checking it for I think she's spiteful.
Speaker 4: I think she doesn't agree with my lifestyle and she
Speaker 4: thinks that I'm very judgmental towards her lifestyle.
Speaker 1: What's her lifestyle?
Speaker 4: You know, feeding the babies candy right when they wake
Speaker 4: up in the morning and Gerber's pack.
Speaker 3: That's not your problem though, that's not your business. Yeah,
Speaker 3: you can't be judgmental of that because you're not their parent.
Speaker 1: I also think that you should be careful about being
Speaker 1: too hard on yourself because what you've done is very brave.
Speaker 1: You've moved across the country on your own, You've cut
Speaker 1: ties with people that are hurtful to you, and it's
Speaker 1: not an easy thing. And I think the fact that
Speaker 1: you're asking the question is it me or them? Shows
Speaker 1: that you're evolved enough to ask that question.
Speaker 4: Thank you.
Speaker 1: I agree like an narcissist.
Speaker 3: I was told this in therapy when I asked my
Speaker 3: therapist if I was a narcissist that he said, typically
Speaker 3: narcissists aren't looking for Feedback's right, that's right, right.
Speaker 4: That's like my question sometimes, like do I have like
Speaker 4: these narcissistic tendencies that make me push people away or.
Speaker 1: Well, you might you know that that this is something
Speaker 1: that needs to be explored with a good therapist. I think, yeah,
Speaker 1: you got to keep trying to find your new therapist.
Speaker 3: But I think asking all these questions is a very
Speaker 3: strong identifying factory that you are on the right track,
Speaker 3: you know what I mean. You're not just blowing through
Speaker 3: people and you're thinking twice about it. You're going, Wow,
Speaker 3: I just lost a lot of friends, or I cut
Speaker 3: off a lot of friends. Maybe I'm the problem, you know,
Speaker 3: And maybe maybe you are part of the problem. I'm
Speaker 3: sure you're an element of the problem. But who's to
Speaker 3: say that it is a problem. Maybe you're just getting
Speaker 3: rid of the fat in your life and at thirty,
Speaker 3: you're coming of age in a different way, and you're
Speaker 3: more discerning about who you're going to spend your time
Speaker 3: with and what you're looking for in friendships.
Speaker 1: And I think that's good, that's not a bad thing.
Speaker 1: And but one thing I would be careful of, because
Speaker 1: I agree with everything that Chelsea just said, But one
Speaker 1: thing I would be careful of is expecting too much
Speaker 1: from people. And it sounds as though I don't know
Speaker 1: about your mother, but it sounds as though your father
Speaker 1: was damaged in a way that could not give you
Speaker 1: what you need. And maybe you're looking for that in
Speaker 1: other people and that's not their job.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I agree with you one hundred percent.
Speaker 1: That's not the job of a friend. So you have
Speaker 1: to be careful of what you expect from other people. Also, Okay,
Speaker 1: that's good advice.
Speaker 4: Yeah, thank you for that. Yeah, it's true, because you know,
Speaker 4: I've always been mad at my dad for like not
Speaker 4: being the quote unquote dad that he should be. But
Speaker 4: I mean, if you guys haven't called on he is
Speaker 4: gay and he had to be a gay.
Speaker 1: Paar quote on when he when you mentioned the dicksie.
Speaker 4: Yeah, who knows?
Speaker 1: Where's your where's your mom? Is she in the picture?
Speaker 4: She actually ran away from my father when we were toddlers.
Speaker 1: Yeah, So you you have stuff there of abandonment and
Speaker 1: and all this stuff, and you might, I don't know,
Speaker 1: but you might be expecting too much from your friends. Yeah,
Speaker 1: because there's there's the hole to fill, you know, and
Speaker 1: the only person who could feel that is you. The
Speaker 1: only person who can fill your hole is you.
Speaker 4: That this is very true.
Speaker 1: It's an inside job.
Speaker 3: And then when you are full, you don't you're not
Speaker 3: looking for people to show up in ways that you
Speaker 3: have been abandoned in the past or let down in
Speaker 3: the past, because that's not anyone's responsibilit but your own
Speaker 3: to kind of fix that. So I think you really
Speaker 3: have to be consistent or determined to find a good therapist.
Speaker 3: And now that everything's on zoom anyway, it's not like
Speaker 3: you have to find someone in my tentat you know
Speaker 3: what I mean. You could find someone anywhere in the
Speaker 3: world or in the country. At the very least that
Speaker 3: you can do. You know that you try and get
Speaker 3: a connection going with and someone you feel safe with
Speaker 3: and unpack all of this because it's a lot.
Speaker 4: Yeah, okay, that's good advice too, and just keep it.
Speaker 4: Is like shopping.
Speaker 3: Yes, it's like shopping. Just stay at it. Once you
Speaker 3: find someone, it'll be worth it. It's like finding your soulmate.
Speaker 3: Look at Susie. She waited until she was forty eight
Speaker 3: years old and then she got married to or she
Speaker 3: got married at fifty three.
Speaker 1: You met him at forty and you got married at
Speaker 1: fifty to three, efty three for the first time. But
Speaker 1: you know, with therapists also, I had several therapists that
Speaker 1: were not the right one till I found the right one,
Speaker 1: and then she saved my life really because she was
Speaker 1: you know, she was the right person. So it's important
Speaker 1: to find the right person.
Speaker 3: And how many sessions do you go with someone before
Speaker 3: you realize it's not working?
Speaker 1: Well, you know, I mean it depends on how in
Speaker 1: which way it's not working. Like there was one who
Speaker 1: was she was lovely, but she was just you know,
Speaker 1: And there was another who was hostile who I ended
Speaker 1: very quickly, So it depends on how it's not working.
Speaker 1: And then I found, you know, a great woman who
Speaker 1: saved my life.
Speaker 4: Yeah, that's what I'm waiting for. I think I just
Speaker 4: get a little anxious, like tell it.
Speaker 1: But just Chelsea, here in your background, you need to
Speaker 1: be in therapy because there is early damage there that
Speaker 1: needs to be looked at. Yeah, and a very common thing.
Speaker 3: I mean, not only is your dad a disappointment and
Speaker 3: your mother abandoned you, so there's a lot of abandonment
Speaker 3: going on there. So the lot of the things that
Speaker 3: you might be expecting from your friends is a combo
Speaker 3: of the abandonment and the you know, and the I
Speaker 3: mean your poor father had to raise you alone, you know,
Speaker 3: which many women have to do.
Speaker 1: But that's hard too, So he's sure struggling.
Speaker 3: It doesn't mean you have to hang out with him,
Speaker 3: and you know, but you have to understand that he
Speaker 3: has his own life too, and he had to deal
Speaker 3: with something that wasn't planned and he's gay and he
Speaker 3: had to deal with that being married.
Speaker 1: You know, it's at what age should he come out?
Speaker 4: Uh? He came out before I was born, and his
Speaker 4: father forced him to be with my mother, who had
Speaker 4: had my sister. Yeah, and it gets even messier from there,
Speaker 4: but like, we don't need to go into that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so he's got his own stuff. He's got his
Speaker 1: own stuff for sure. One of the things you start
Speaker 1: to realize as you get older is you start to
Speaker 1: see your parents as human beings and not just your parents.
Speaker 1: And everybody comes by their own shit, honestly, you know.
Speaker 4: Yeah, Yeah, and I know this is his I always
Speaker 4: joke around and say, if we've lived many lifetimes, this
Speaker 4: is his first. But as far as like my sister
Speaker 4: and I go, she thinks therapy is a joke. And
Speaker 4: if I've brought up therapy to her for a couple
Speaker 4: of different reasons, and she gets really offended by it.
Speaker 1: I've dealt with that with a sibling.
Speaker 4: Yeah, So how are you to go about like your
Speaker 4: relationship if they don't think that they could be helped.
Speaker 1: It's a problem. You're living in two different worlds, really,
Speaker 1: and you could either just accept it. You're not going
Speaker 1: to change her, that is one thing I've learned. Also,
Speaker 1: you're not going to change anybody. So you could either
Speaker 1: just accept who she is and her belief system or
Speaker 1: stay away.
Speaker 4: Okay.
Speaker 1: The other thing is I mean she had the same
Speaker 1: mother and father, so she needs therapy also, so you.
Speaker 4: Know, right, but she chooses to ignore it.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I know, but that's a lot of people. That's
Speaker 3: also not your issue. Your issue you're focusing. I think
Speaker 3: one of the problems here, which is very common for
Speaker 3: all of us, is you're outward focusing on other people
Speaker 3: and what their shortcomings and their issues are, and really
Speaker 3: the main issue is you and how you're going to
Speaker 3: be healthy and how you're going to heal from all
Speaker 3: of this childhood stuff, because it's a healing process and
Speaker 3: until you get with the right person that speeds up
Speaker 3: and expedites everything that you're talking about. I think you
Speaker 3: should work on your judgment because you seem like you're
Speaker 3: judging a lot of people.
Speaker 1: So you got to stop that. And that's another thing
Speaker 1: you're going to learn in therapy.
Speaker 3: That's what I learned. I'm super fucking judgmental. I am
Speaker 3: so judgmental if someone doesn't do so you know, people
Speaker 3: are sloppy drunk. I love alcohol.
Speaker 1: I mean all I do.
Speaker 3: Is drink and smoke pot. But when somebody is sloppy,
Speaker 3: I have no tolerance right that. I'm like, no, no,
Speaker 3: no no.
Speaker 1: And people are like, what are you talking about. You're
Speaker 1: a miss party on them all.
Speaker 3: I'm like, yeah, but I keep my fucking shit together
Speaker 3: and I need you to keep your shit together.
Speaker 1: So I understand the judgment and that is a work
Speaker 1: in progress. You really have to work on that with
Speaker 1: your therapist. But yeah, keep going. Thank you for calling.
Speaker 1: I think you're adorable and.
Speaker 3: You're brave, like Susie said, for moving to Montana. And
Speaker 3: this is a new beginning, which is just I want
Speaker 3: you to think of everything moving forward as a new, fresh,
Speaker 3: positive beginning.
Speaker 4: Okay, I appreciate that.
Speaker 1: And when you catch yourself judging someone, just catch yourself.
Speaker 4: And take a step back. Yeah yeah, all right, Well,
Speaker 4: thank you ladies. I appreciate all of you.
Speaker 3: Thank you, honey, take care, good luck, bye bye. Okay,
Speaker 3: Susie just expired six I know we got to get
Speaker 3: her out because I was late to this episode. So
Speaker 3: it's all my faults, listeners.
Speaker 1: But we had such a good time. I know we
Speaker 1: had a great time. We'll do it again. It's really
Speaker 1: upsetting that you have to go, but you have to
Speaker 1: go to the airport. I do you live here in
Speaker 1: New York? Yes, but I do have a thing called zoom. Okay,
Speaker 1: well no, I'm gonna come in.
Speaker 3: We're gonna do it in person. We're gonna do it
Speaker 3: again because you You were great by the way.
Speaker 1: I love giving it. I love it.
Speaker 3: And have a safe flight, all right, try not to
Speaker 3: get monkey pocks. Oh god, it's back.
Speaker 1: I'm wearing a mask. Okay. So upcoming shows that I
Speaker 1: have you guys, Auckland, New Zealand, Wellington, New Zealand, Melbourne, Australia,
Speaker 1: Brisbane and Australia, Sydney, Australia. We've added second shows to
Speaker 1: places that have sold out the first and then I'm
Speaker 1: gonna be in Hawaii on Maui, Ka Hulue and Honolulu.
Speaker 1: I will be there in July.
Speaker 3: Also in July, I'm coming to Niagara Falls on July
Speaker 3: twenty seventh. I'm coming to Hollywood, Florida for my only
Speaker 3: show in Florida on twenty eighth. I'll be in Auburn,
Speaker 3: Washington on August first, and then Santa Rosa, California for
Speaker 3: my second show August second. August seventeenth is the Santa
Speaker 3: Barbara Bull You do not want to miss that. And
Speaker 3: then I will be all over Maine, Charlotte, North Carolina, Charleston,
Speaker 3: South Carolina.
Speaker 1: I'm coming to Texas. I'm coming to Saint Louis and
Speaker 1: Kansas City.
Speaker 3: I'm coming to Brooklyn, New York at the King's Theater
Speaker 3: on November eighth, and I have tickets on sale throughout
Speaker 3: the end of the year in December, So if you're
Speaker 3: in a city like Philadelphia or Bethlehem, or San Diego
Speaker 3: or New Orleans or Omaha, check Chelseahandler dot com for tickets.
Speaker 1: Okay, if you'd.
Speaker 2: Like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email at Dear
Speaker 2: Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be sure to
Speaker 2: include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered
Speaker 2: by Brad Dickert.
Speaker 5: Executive producer Catherine Law, and be sure to check out
Speaker 5: our merch at Chelseahandler dot com