1 00:00:04,559 --> 00:00:07,960 Speaker 1: Hello everybody. I'm Jemma Spake and welcome back to the 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:11,280 Speaker 1: Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through 3 00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:16,040 Speaker 1: the biggest changes, moments, and transitions of our twenties and 4 00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:24,720 Speaker 1: what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back 5 00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:27,760 Speaker 1: to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. It is 6 00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:31,240 Speaker 1: so great to have you here back for another episode 7 00:00:31,840 --> 00:00:35,000 Speaker 1: as we, of course break down the psychology of our twenties. 8 00:00:35,479 --> 00:00:37,320 Speaker 1: Before we get into this episode, I just want to 9 00:00:37,320 --> 00:00:40,480 Speaker 1: say a huge thank you for all of the support 10 00:00:40,680 --> 00:00:43,640 Speaker 1: and the love and the kindness that you guys have 11 00:00:43,760 --> 00:00:48,440 Speaker 1: shown the podcast and our video episodes being on Netflix. 12 00:00:49,640 --> 00:00:52,840 Speaker 1: I'm want to be brutally honest and say that transition 13 00:00:53,560 --> 00:00:58,000 Speaker 1: hasn't been all that easy for me emotionally and mentally, 14 00:00:58,280 --> 00:01:01,880 Speaker 1: and I've definitely been experiencing a lot of self doubt, 15 00:01:01,920 --> 00:01:03,920 Speaker 1: a lot of panic, a lot of anxiety, a lot 16 00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:06,280 Speaker 1: of pressure in the past few months, and I feel 17 00:01:06,319 --> 00:01:07,880 Speaker 1: like I have to be honest with you guys about that. 18 00:01:08,760 --> 00:01:10,680 Speaker 1: As you know, the people who have been here since 19 00:01:10,760 --> 00:01:13,000 Speaker 1: day one, I know it's very easy to see like 20 00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:16,119 Speaker 1: big accomplishments like the one that the podcast has gone through, 21 00:01:16,560 --> 00:01:18,600 Speaker 1: and especially in your twenties to think that it's all 22 00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:22,720 Speaker 1: incredible and spectacular, and a large part of it has 23 00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:26,000 Speaker 1: been spectacular, but it's also been very hard, and you 24 00:01:26,040 --> 00:01:29,640 Speaker 1: guys have just been the silver lining and have continued 25 00:01:29,680 --> 00:01:32,160 Speaker 1: to make it so special. Every time you guys tag 26 00:01:32,280 --> 00:01:35,520 Speaker 1: me in your Instagram stories watching an episode on Netflix, 27 00:01:35,640 --> 00:01:38,280 Speaker 1: or message me saying you've seen it, message me saying 28 00:01:38,319 --> 00:01:40,240 Speaker 1: like when is it coming to my country, or you 29 00:01:40,319 --> 00:01:43,080 Speaker 1: leave a comment, it is just the best feeling ever. 30 00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:45,800 Speaker 1: So I just I feel like I haven't said it 31 00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:48,280 Speaker 1: enough on the podcast. Thank you for making this so 32 00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:50,800 Speaker 1: special for me. And if you haven't watched an episode 33 00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:55,120 Speaker 1: yet on Netflix and you are in the US or Canada, 34 00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:57,360 Speaker 1: you can go and search up the Psychology of your 35 00:01:57,400 --> 00:02:00,440 Speaker 1: twenties right now. Hopefully it will be in many other 36 00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:04,360 Speaker 1: countries soon, no promises, but fingers crossed. Without further ado, 37 00:02:04,480 --> 00:02:12,880 Speaker 1: let's get into today's episode. Today, my friends, we are 38 00:02:12,919 --> 00:02:20,000 Speaker 1: talking about homesickness, that deep sadness and melancholy we get 39 00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:22,920 Speaker 1: from being away from home for just a bit too long. 40 00:02:23,520 --> 00:02:26,839 Speaker 1: The desire to run back to where we feel the safest, 41 00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:30,359 Speaker 1: the sick feeling in our stomach, the anxiety we get 42 00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:32,639 Speaker 1: when the sun goes down, the only place you want 43 00:02:32,639 --> 00:02:36,839 Speaker 1: to be is not where you are. That kind of homesickness, 44 00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:39,120 Speaker 1: the kind that I'm sure you can all relate to 45 00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:41,360 Speaker 1: that we've all experienced at some point in our twenties, 46 00:02:41,400 --> 00:02:44,440 Speaker 1: at some point in our life. The best way that 47 00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:49,920 Speaker 1: I've seen homesickness described is as a mini grief. Even 48 00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:53,799 Speaker 1: when the reason you're away from home is a good thing, 49 00:02:53,919 --> 00:02:57,280 Speaker 1: is a great thing, Even when it's because you've gone 50 00:02:57,320 --> 00:03:00,280 Speaker 1: to college, or you're moving on with your life life, 51 00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:04,880 Speaker 1: or you're traveling to places that you only ever dreamed about, 52 00:03:04,919 --> 00:03:08,760 Speaker 1: you've moved cities for like an amazing opportunity for love, 53 00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:14,800 Speaker 1: there is still this recognition that you are saying goodbye 54 00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:17,840 Speaker 1: to something and a way of living and a way 55 00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:22,120 Speaker 1: of existing that is really comfortable and familiar and that 56 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:26,799 Speaker 1: you love. You're grieving things maybe never being the same again. 57 00:03:27,320 --> 00:03:32,239 Speaker 1: You're grieving this security, You're grieving the past, and you're 58 00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:34,760 Speaker 1: missing not just the place, not just the location, but 59 00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:37,960 Speaker 1: the memories. You're missing, a system, you're missing, a routine, 60 00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:41,360 Speaker 1: you're missing relationships. Homesickness is so much more complicated and 61 00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:43,520 Speaker 1: hard that I think a lot of people give it 62 00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:47,200 Speaker 1: credit That's what makes this also emotionally painful. It is 63 00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:51,040 Speaker 1: a full body experience, and today I feel like we 64 00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:54,920 Speaker 1: need to just talk about it in depth. It's also 65 00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:59,680 Speaker 1: strange because you also know in this period of life 66 00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:03,240 Speaker 1: that you need to experience some hard emotions, homesickness being 67 00:04:03,280 --> 00:04:05,880 Speaker 1: one of them, to grow. It's kind of the price 68 00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:07,920 Speaker 1: you pay for getting out of your comfort zone and 69 00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:12,560 Speaker 1: seeing the world. There are so many people who feel 70 00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:17,400 Speaker 1: this way and who feel very frustrated, but also feel 71 00:04:17,520 --> 00:04:20,840 Speaker 1: very indebted to the experience and guilty, and it can 72 00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:23,000 Speaker 1: be hard to enjoy the moment that you're in and 73 00:04:23,080 --> 00:04:27,040 Speaker 1: also to see clearly how life is going and what 74 00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:28,760 Speaker 1: you want in the future, and whether this is the 75 00:04:28,760 --> 00:04:30,599 Speaker 1: place you should be or whether you should go home. 76 00:04:31,320 --> 00:04:34,359 Speaker 1: It's a very confusing emotion. Let's really dive into it 77 00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:37,400 Speaker 1: today and just break down the psychology, what it is, 78 00:04:37,839 --> 00:04:41,400 Speaker 1: why it is so emotionally painful, When to listen to 79 00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:44,280 Speaker 1: your homesickness, but also when to not listen to it, 80 00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:48,640 Speaker 1: and also my tips are the things that you could 81 00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:51,360 Speaker 1: do today, the things you could do tomorrow, the things 82 00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:54,040 Speaker 1: you could do this week that I can guarantee will 83 00:04:54,040 --> 00:04:57,640 Speaker 1: make you feel better. So without further ado. Let's get 84 00:04:57,640 --> 00:05:00,880 Speaker 1: into it. So let's begin with this. Are you feeling 85 00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:06,360 Speaker 1: so homesick right now? You're feeling homesick right now because 86 00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:11,720 Speaker 1: your mind and your body is programmed to avoid drastic 87 00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:17,520 Speaker 1: changes and to make you very much aware that it 88 00:05:17,560 --> 00:05:20,320 Speaker 1: doesn't like drastic changes when they happen, whether you like 89 00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:24,280 Speaker 1: it or not. There is this fascinating study from twenty 90 00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:29,680 Speaker 1: twelve looking at university students that found homesickness isn't just 91 00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:33,560 Speaker 1: like a pesky, annoying feeling, It's actually a stress response. 92 00:05:34,240 --> 00:05:40,000 Speaker 1: Your body, your mind, your nervous system likes certainty, likes knowing, 93 00:05:40,720 --> 00:05:45,600 Speaker 1: likes safety because that is where you can flourish best. 94 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:49,000 Speaker 1: What is most known, what is most safe, What is 95 00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:55,800 Speaker 1: most certain? Home, home, your routines, your childhood bedroom, the 96 00:05:55,839 --> 00:05:59,560 Speaker 1: space you decompress every single night, the environment where you 97 00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:03,880 Speaker 1: know exactly what to expect. That is where your body 98 00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:05,760 Speaker 1: and your mind always wants you to go back to. 99 00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:11,719 Speaker 1: Every single human needs some version of this. It is 100 00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:14,640 Speaker 1: wired into our DNA and into our way of being 101 00:06:15,080 --> 00:06:18,640 Speaker 1: to have a home base, or to have some environment 102 00:06:18,839 --> 00:06:22,800 Speaker 1: or some space where we feel our safest and where 103 00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:24,719 Speaker 1: we can just switch off for the day. For the month, 104 00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:28,279 Speaker 1: for the hour. That is why we literally have something 105 00:06:28,279 --> 00:06:32,000 Speaker 1: called place attachment theory, this idea, this idea from psychologists 106 00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:36,080 Speaker 1: and scientists, that we form deep emotional bonds with places. 107 00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:38,960 Speaker 1: That is something that we are hardwired to do, the 108 00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:42,240 Speaker 1: same way that we form deep emotional bonds with people. 109 00:06:43,279 --> 00:06:47,200 Speaker 1: And like people, certain places become part of who you are. 110 00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:50,760 Speaker 1: They become part of how you see yourself. They hold 111 00:06:50,880 --> 00:06:54,440 Speaker 1: really precious memories, they hold your routines, they hold your 112 00:06:54,520 --> 00:06:57,719 Speaker 1: sense of safety. They also are what hold our default self, 113 00:06:58,040 --> 00:07:00,960 Speaker 1: the person that we are at our core, the person 114 00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:04,520 Speaker 1: we most naturally become when we feel our safest normally 115 00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:07,279 Speaker 1: at home, even for nomads, right, even for people who 116 00:07:07,440 --> 00:07:09,960 Speaker 1: give the impression of needing nothing. Just like the wide 117 00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:12,280 Speaker 1: open space, like the wide open road, the wider open 118 00:07:12,320 --> 00:07:15,800 Speaker 1: spaces are for them home. There is not a human 119 00:07:15,840 --> 00:07:18,920 Speaker 1: alive that doesn't have some or need some kind of 120 00:07:19,760 --> 00:07:24,520 Speaker 1: environmental or external consistency, even if that consistency is inconsistency. 121 00:07:25,120 --> 00:07:27,480 Speaker 1: So when you leave those spaces and say goodbye, when 122 00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:30,360 Speaker 1: you leave home, when you move city, it is like 123 00:07:30,360 --> 00:07:33,040 Speaker 1: a breakup. It's like a death. Your brain has to 124 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:37,040 Speaker 1: reprogram where to go to feel safe. What we can 125 00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:40,440 Speaker 1: and can't trust, what makes us feel good, what feels 126 00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:44,360 Speaker 1: normal for us now whilst managing the pain and the 127 00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:50,080 Speaker 1: loss and the pain of nostalgia. Nostalgia and homesickness, by 128 00:07:50,120 --> 00:07:53,440 Speaker 1: the way, incredibly similar emotions. Something you may not know. 129 00:07:54,160 --> 00:07:58,960 Speaker 1: The word nostalgia was initially created as a medical diagnostic 130 00:07:59,040 --> 00:08:03,040 Speaker 1: term sailors who were suffering from homesickness. Literally, that is 131 00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:06,240 Speaker 1: what the word for homesickness was, nostalgia. You want to 132 00:08:06,280 --> 00:08:10,920 Speaker 1: know something else interesting, another interesting psychology history fact. Nostalgia 133 00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:13,560 Speaker 1: is one of the most intense emotions you can experience. 134 00:08:14,240 --> 00:08:18,040 Speaker 1: It's also not distinctly good or distinctly bad. But when 135 00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:21,160 Speaker 1: you feel it, researchers show that you really feel it, 136 00:08:21,640 --> 00:08:24,000 Speaker 1: if you know what I mean, you feel it like 137 00:08:24,080 --> 00:08:27,160 Speaker 1: nothing else. And that's what you're enduring right now. Again, 138 00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:29,080 Speaker 1: it's like a breakup. It's like a breakup where you 139 00:08:29,120 --> 00:08:32,040 Speaker 1: idealize all the good things, you don't remember any of 140 00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:35,680 Speaker 1: the bad things. Your brain has this natural positivity bias 141 00:08:35,720 --> 00:08:40,320 Speaker 1: towards the past, towards home, compared to the reality of 142 00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:43,559 Speaker 1: the present, which is very colorful and vivid and real 143 00:08:43,679 --> 00:08:49,600 Speaker 1: that you're experiencing right now, and the rose colored glasses 144 00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:52,760 Speaker 1: that we have for the past versus the accurate vision 145 00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:55,559 Speaker 1: we have for the present means that the present feels 146 00:08:55,559 --> 00:08:59,400 Speaker 1: a lot starker. Essentially, what this explanation basically says is 147 00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:03,000 Speaker 1: that being away from your home, even for a great thing, 148 00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:06,800 Speaker 1: even for a fantastic thing, is always initially going to 149 00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:11,439 Speaker 1: mean that there will be a time where you don't 150 00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:14,200 Speaker 1: have a strong place attachment that you can go home 151 00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:18,079 Speaker 1: to immediately, and that feels really threatening to your brain. 152 00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:22,120 Speaker 1: Your body is responding to that, responding to that threat, 153 00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:25,520 Speaker 1: trying to process that, and it does that by activating 154 00:09:25,600 --> 00:09:29,240 Speaker 1: that stress response, a stress response. Your stress response is 155 00:09:29,280 --> 00:09:32,480 Speaker 1: basically just your body speeding things up internally to help 156 00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:35,720 Speaker 1: you find a solution quicker, speeding up your thoughts, speeding 157 00:09:35,760 --> 00:09:38,640 Speaker 1: up your nervous systems, speeding up all these things. Hence 158 00:09:38,679 --> 00:09:42,280 Speaker 1: why you feel anxious, Hence why you idealize home, Hence 159 00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:44,640 Speaker 1: why you may be withdrawn socially. You may want to 160 00:09:44,679 --> 00:09:47,880 Speaker 1: spend more time inside. You may not be sleeping well, 161 00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:50,360 Speaker 1: you may not be hungry, you may be really worried, 162 00:09:51,160 --> 00:09:55,720 Speaker 1: especially social and physical withdrawal. It's interesting some researchers actually 163 00:09:55,760 --> 00:09:59,920 Speaker 1: suggest this is a natural hermiting instinct. When we feel home, 164 00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:03,319 Speaker 1: we're trying to it's trying to drive you to spend 165 00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:06,079 Speaker 1: more time on whatever space you're in, to become more 166 00:10:06,080 --> 00:10:08,920 Speaker 1: familiar with it, or to make it feel like home. 167 00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:12,760 Speaker 1: That can obviously not be great if that's the only 168 00:10:12,800 --> 00:10:15,079 Speaker 1: thing you do. But all of this is this reaction 169 00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:20,680 Speaker 1: to stress and to not having that homeostasis, that equilibrium. 170 00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:24,920 Speaker 1: The confusing thing is that you don't always feel this 171 00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:28,400 Speaker 1: way straight away, right or all at once. That's because 172 00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:30,920 Speaker 1: when we initially enter a new space or a new place, 173 00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:32,880 Speaker 1: there is always going to be like a honeymoon or 174 00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:35,679 Speaker 1: an adjustment period. Basically, there is always going to be 175 00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:38,679 Speaker 1: a period where your brain is like this is really 176 00:10:38,679 --> 00:10:41,120 Speaker 1: fun and still kind of thinks like, oh, we're just 177 00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:43,400 Speaker 1: here temporarily, like home is still home. We'll be back 178 00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:46,400 Speaker 1: there soon. And because of that unconscious belief, like you 179 00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:48,800 Speaker 1: can kind of let loose and have a fantastic time, 180 00:10:48,920 --> 00:10:52,120 Speaker 1: Like you're exploring, You're meeting new people, like you're trying 181 00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:54,800 Speaker 1: new food. You see the Eiffel Tower, I don't know, 182 00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:57,240 Speaker 1: Like you're going out all the time. You're trying on 183 00:10:57,280 --> 00:11:00,960 Speaker 1: a new version of yourself, and it lulls you into 184 00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:02,960 Speaker 1: like a false sense of security of like, oh, I've 185 00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:05,640 Speaker 1: avoided homesickness altogether, Like I really just got into the 186 00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:09,360 Speaker 1: thick of it. It's always going to come, whether it's 187 00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:11,560 Speaker 1: for a minute, whether it's for a month. I found 188 00:11:11,559 --> 00:11:15,160 Speaker 1: this when I moved to London. Honestly, I was so naive. 189 00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:17,440 Speaker 1: All my friends were wanting me, They're like, you have 190 00:11:17,520 --> 00:11:20,320 Speaker 1: to be prepared, like you think it's going to be 191 00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:23,640 Speaker 1: shit at some point. And I genuinely believed that I 192 00:11:23,679 --> 00:11:25,840 Speaker 1: had avoided it, Like after the first month or two, 193 00:11:25,920 --> 00:11:28,600 Speaker 1: I was like, this has been easy, and only at 194 00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:32,400 Speaker 1: like three months time, like I was swiftly taken out, 195 00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:35,240 Speaker 1: like it came for me the way that it comes 196 00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:38,040 Speaker 1: to every one of us. And the first wave of homesickness, 197 00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:41,800 Speaker 1: this wave that I'm definitely experiencing right now, is often 198 00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:46,720 Speaker 1: the worst because again you've been lulled into this idea 199 00:11:46,760 --> 00:11:48,880 Speaker 1: that you'll fine. You've been lolled into a false sense 200 00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:54,160 Speaker 1: of security by the honeymoon period, So the emotional whiplash 201 00:11:54,559 --> 00:11:58,880 Speaker 1: increases the intensity of all these really hard feelings. It 202 00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:02,600 Speaker 1: can also be particularly brutal because I don't know if 203 00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:04,600 Speaker 1: you're a university student, if you're at college, if there 204 00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:07,000 Speaker 1: are all these other people around who have made the 205 00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:10,680 Speaker 1: same move as you, sometimes like they're having a great time, 206 00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:14,680 Speaker 1: they look like they're adjusting fine, they look like nothing 207 00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:18,160 Speaker 1: is bothering them, And you're probably thinking like, why can't 208 00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:20,400 Speaker 1: I be like these people? Why am I not finding 209 00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:24,400 Speaker 1: this easy? The answer isn't just you know, maybe they 210 00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:27,280 Speaker 1: don't have as much to miss. It's probably because of 211 00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:31,480 Speaker 1: the person you are. People who feel really deeply, people 212 00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:34,600 Speaker 1: who are sensitive, people who are in touch with the world, 213 00:12:34,640 --> 00:12:38,240 Speaker 1: who are empathetic, who are big feelers, who are emotional, 214 00:12:38,280 --> 00:12:41,520 Speaker 1: and I say that is a positive thing, often struggle 215 00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:44,640 Speaker 1: more with adjustments like this because they just feel everything 216 00:12:44,679 --> 00:12:49,600 Speaker 1: on a bigger scale, including this nostalgia, including the pain 217 00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:55,079 Speaker 1: of saying goodbye, including the people they miss. It also 218 00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:58,280 Speaker 1: means that when the time comes, when the tide turns, 219 00:12:58,679 --> 00:13:03,760 Speaker 1: when things start feeling good, you're going to feel really good. Literally, 220 00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:07,560 Speaker 1: you're going to feel this better than anybody. In twenty fourteen, 221 00:13:07,840 --> 00:13:10,880 Speaker 1: there was an fMRI study done on this very thing 222 00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:14,160 Speaker 1: that looked at the emotional processing of people who were 223 00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:17,360 Speaker 1: self reported highly sensitive people and those who were not, 224 00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:23,920 Speaker 1: and the hard emotions for them definitely registered hugely and enormously, 225 00:13:24,640 --> 00:13:28,000 Speaker 1: but so do the great emotions, like the happy moods 226 00:13:28,120 --> 00:13:30,559 Speaker 1: showed up so much more brilliantly in their mind and 227 00:13:31,120 --> 00:13:34,080 Speaker 1: as a feeling compared to those who weren't as sensitive. 228 00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:36,640 Speaker 1: So that's maybe a little bit of a silver lining 229 00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:39,680 Speaker 1: to look forward to. It's hard right now, but it's 230 00:13:39,679 --> 00:13:42,280 Speaker 1: going to be matched with such an amazing greatness. On 231 00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:45,440 Speaker 1: the other side, it's also really important not to fall 232 00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:49,079 Speaker 1: too much into a comparison trap here. Just because you're 233 00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:53,679 Speaker 1: experiencing this differently from somebody who moved six months before you, 234 00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:57,920 Speaker 1: or somebody else in your dorm doesn't mean it's something 235 00:13:57,960 --> 00:14:01,040 Speaker 1: about you that you've made a man, right. It's not 236 00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:07,120 Speaker 1: because the situation isn't right for you. Every situation, every person, 237 00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:09,559 Speaker 1: I guess, just adjusts at their own time and pace, 238 00:14:10,760 --> 00:14:13,400 Speaker 1: And you know what, who knows those people are sometimes 239 00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:15,200 Speaker 1: still in the honeymoon phase. That's why it looks like 240 00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:17,760 Speaker 1: it's all working out for them. I remember when I 241 00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:21,000 Speaker 1: was at college, I had this friend who for like 242 00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:23,040 Speaker 1: the first two years that we were there, she was 243 00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:27,160 Speaker 1: having the best time. She was like the biggest supporter 244 00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:30,040 Speaker 1: of the university. She had all the merch she would 245 00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:33,280 Speaker 1: wear like her a and new hoodie everywhere. She was 246 00:14:33,320 --> 00:14:35,600 Speaker 1: like the life of the party. She was having such 247 00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:39,040 Speaker 1: a great time. Genuinely, she could have been the school mascot. 248 00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:42,520 Speaker 1: And then at like year two, she was like I 249 00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:45,440 Speaker 1: miss home so much, Like I don't know if I 250 00:14:45,440 --> 00:14:48,480 Speaker 1: can stay here. I genuinely was at times thinking like, oh, 251 00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:50,720 Speaker 1: she's gonna She's gonna leave this person who was like 252 00:14:51,440 --> 00:14:54,600 Speaker 1: the most pro who just seemed to be adjusting better 253 00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:58,280 Speaker 1: than anybody. The homesickness came for her eventually, like it 254 00:14:58,320 --> 00:15:01,600 Speaker 1: comes for all of us. You simply just you cannot 255 00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:04,520 Speaker 1: compare apple st oranges. Your time and the time it 256 00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:07,080 Speaker 1: takes you to adjust is going to be different. So 257 00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:10,280 Speaker 1: now that we kind of understand why homesickness happens, because 258 00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:13,840 Speaker 1: it is a stress response, because of out the sense 259 00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:15,960 Speaker 1: of safety we need and the place attachment we need 260 00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:20,720 Speaker 1: as humans, let's talk about when you should say like 261 00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:24,280 Speaker 1: enough is enough? When do you know this isn't just homesickness, 262 00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:27,920 Speaker 1: this is something else? And also how can you deal 263 00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:31,040 Speaker 1: with homesickness? How can you make yourself feel better during 264 00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:33,960 Speaker 1: what is a very stressful time. We'll be right back 265 00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:43,080 Speaker 1: after this short break. I have to be honest, so 266 00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:46,040 Speaker 1: many of my recent experiences are really informing this episode 267 00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:49,880 Speaker 1: today because I've been down bad with homesickness recently. And 268 00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:53,400 Speaker 1: as much as London is amazing and you can post 269 00:15:53,440 --> 00:15:56,200 Speaker 1: about it and make it look amazing, like, there have 270 00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:58,680 Speaker 1: definitely been times where I've genuinely thought like what am 271 00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:00,680 Speaker 1: I doing here? Like why did I make such a 272 00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:03,960 Speaker 1: stupid decision? I should go back to Australia. The food 273 00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:06,040 Speaker 1: is better, the weather is better, the lifestyle is better, 274 00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:08,960 Speaker 1: the cost of living is better, Like why did I 275 00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:11,120 Speaker 1: give that up? What did I do this for? This 276 00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:13,640 Speaker 1: is why everybody in the UK moves to Australia. It's 277 00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:16,320 Speaker 1: better there. There have been I think definitely a lot 278 00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:18,160 Speaker 1: of tears. There's been a lot of like panic, a 279 00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:20,800 Speaker 1: lot of like asking my parents to send me photos 280 00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:23,160 Speaker 1: of my dog, a lot of looking at apartments back 281 00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:26,920 Speaker 1: in Sydney. And something me and my boyfriend have been 282 00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:31,800 Speaker 1: discussing is like when when do you stop ignoring that feeling? 283 00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:35,040 Speaker 1: When do you take that feeling as a sign? And 284 00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:37,160 Speaker 1: I think right now we kind of know it's run 285 00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:39,560 Speaker 1: of the mill home sickness. Right We've not been here 286 00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:42,160 Speaker 1: for very long. It's going to run its course like 287 00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:46,080 Speaker 1: any other sickness. But when do you make the call that, like, 288 00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:50,360 Speaker 1: this may be something important to listen to. Here's what 289 00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:53,520 Speaker 1: we decided. This is not professional psychological advice. This is 290 00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:56,800 Speaker 1: just us talking about it, me sharing it with you. Obviously, 291 00:16:56,840 --> 00:17:00,160 Speaker 1: make your own decision here. But I think that if 292 00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:02,640 Speaker 1: it's been more than a year, and if you have 293 00:17:02,840 --> 00:17:06,239 Speaker 1: given this new place a really good shot, like you 294 00:17:06,280 --> 00:17:09,680 Speaker 1: have really tried, if you've made some friends, if you've 295 00:17:09,800 --> 00:17:13,679 Speaker 1: established a routine, if you've gone three months without visiting home, 296 00:17:14,119 --> 00:17:17,040 Speaker 1: If this is not a momentary feeling but something you 297 00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:21,159 Speaker 1: feel at least once a day, intensely, and it's not 298 00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:27,760 Speaker 1: getting better, even gradually, then maybe it's not homesickness. Maybe 299 00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:29,560 Speaker 1: this is just not where you are meant to be, 300 00:17:30,359 --> 00:17:33,640 Speaker 1: and that is a possibility within this. The thing is, 301 00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:38,119 Speaker 1: I do truly believe that you can make a home 302 00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:42,400 Speaker 1: wherever you are, but sometimes it's just that you don't 303 00:17:42,440 --> 00:17:46,359 Speaker 1: want to. And when you've really tried, and you've really 304 00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:49,480 Speaker 1: given it your all and you've given it a shot 305 00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:52,920 Speaker 1: and the motivation still isn't there, then I think you're 306 00:17:52,920 --> 00:17:54,920 Speaker 1: always going to be homesick. I don't know. Maybe deep 307 00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:57,960 Speaker 1: down you have no desire to call this place your home. 308 00:17:58,840 --> 00:18:02,359 Speaker 1: It just goes beyond this level of adjustment and of 309 00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:06,199 Speaker 1: safety before you jump to that conclusion, because I think 310 00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:07,919 Speaker 1: it's a very easy one to jump to if you 311 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,959 Speaker 1: are in the thick of things right now. I do 312 00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:12,160 Speaker 1: think you owe it to yourself to commit as fully 313 00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:14,919 Speaker 1: as you can for a period of time, just to 314 00:18:15,040 --> 00:18:18,280 Speaker 1: avoid the what if of, like prematurely closing a door 315 00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:22,280 Speaker 1: or finishing a story that is seconds away from getting good. 316 00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:25,240 Speaker 1: I always say it takes three months to adjust to 317 00:18:25,280 --> 00:18:28,160 Speaker 1: a new city, six months to feel okay about the decision, 318 00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:32,120 Speaker 1: a year to decide whether it's the right decision long term. 319 00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:36,080 Speaker 1: And I think having that equation, having that timeline, or 320 00:18:36,119 --> 00:18:39,280 Speaker 1: having like maybe even more so, a deadline for when 321 00:18:39,320 --> 00:18:42,920 Speaker 1: you can start reading into your homesickness, is really helpful 322 00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:47,440 Speaker 1: in this situation. Like this timeline, this formula, it also 323 00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:50,560 Speaker 1: matches a lot of what we know about psychological adaptation 324 00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:55,639 Speaker 1: after a major life change, like moving cities, like changing jobs, 325 00:18:55,720 --> 00:19:00,280 Speaker 1: going through a breakup. Whatever it may be our emotional date, 326 00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:04,840 Speaker 1: it's always going to spike. If it didn't, I'd be worried. 327 00:19:04,880 --> 00:19:08,240 Speaker 1: It's always going to spike. Research though from the seventies 328 00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:11,600 Speaker 1: shows that around the three to six month mark is 329 00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:15,359 Speaker 1: when things start to return to what they call baseline level, 330 00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:19,520 Speaker 1: and that is what signals adjustment. Until then, you just 331 00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:23,240 Speaker 1: have to move through this. Homesickness is like any emotion. 332 00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:25,920 Speaker 1: It might feel terrible. I do also think it's trying 333 00:19:25,920 --> 00:19:28,119 Speaker 1: to tell you something. It's telling you that you have 334 00:19:28,119 --> 00:19:29,919 Speaker 1: a lot to be grateful for. It's also telling you 335 00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:32,760 Speaker 1: that you're probably very scared, that you're very lost, you're 336 00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:39,280 Speaker 1: very lonely. Addressing those feelings first and foremost, knowing that 337 00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:41,199 Speaker 1: sometimes it just takes time is really where you have 338 00:19:41,240 --> 00:19:44,359 Speaker 1: to begin. I think some people, and this is what 339 00:19:44,440 --> 00:19:48,720 Speaker 1: I found, some people will tell you like your homesickness 340 00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:51,080 Speaker 1: is lying to you, like, just don't listen to it. 341 00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:54,360 Speaker 1: It's lying to you. I don't think that's true. It's 342 00:19:54,359 --> 00:19:57,119 Speaker 1: not that your homesickness is lying to you. It's not 343 00:19:57,160 --> 00:19:59,119 Speaker 1: that there isn't something that you really do miss and 344 00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:01,960 Speaker 1: you deserve to miss. Yes, it's just that it's only 345 00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:04,960 Speaker 1: telling you one story, and it's only telling you the 346 00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:07,760 Speaker 1: story of what you know, the story of what feels safe, 347 00:20:08,119 --> 00:20:11,520 Speaker 1: the story of how amazing your friends are, the story 348 00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:14,080 Speaker 1: of how much you miss your pets, the story of 349 00:20:14,119 --> 00:20:18,159 Speaker 1: your routine. It keeps telling you how wonderful that all was, 350 00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:22,480 Speaker 1: because it was wonderful. What your homesickness is omitting though, 351 00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:24,639 Speaker 1: or making it hard for you to see, is how 352 00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:28,280 Speaker 1: wonderful things could be. And the other story, the other 353 00:20:28,359 --> 00:20:31,639 Speaker 1: situation that could also be told about where you are 354 00:20:31,720 --> 00:20:34,520 Speaker 1: right now, which is that things get better, which is 355 00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:36,359 Speaker 1: that things are going to start to pick up, which 356 00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:38,680 Speaker 1: is that in a few months you're going to start 357 00:20:38,680 --> 00:20:42,200 Speaker 1: feeling more yourself, You're going to have a few more friends, 358 00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:45,720 Speaker 1: and then one day you're probably gonna have one of 359 00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:48,919 Speaker 1: those days where you're just like everything is amazing. Like 360 00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:50,679 Speaker 1: that is the other story that you could tell yourself 361 00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:54,199 Speaker 1: about the situation. Two months time, you could have the 362 00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:56,840 Speaker 1: best day of your life in this new place, and 363 00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:59,240 Speaker 1: you could feel just as grateful for this experience as 364 00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:01,200 Speaker 1: you do for the whole that you love so much. 365 00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:06,040 Speaker 1: Both stories are true, and the trick is you need 366 00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:07,879 Speaker 1: to focus on both of them at the same time. 367 00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:12,879 Speaker 1: This sucks right now. I loved what I had and 368 00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:16,320 Speaker 1: also something I didn't even know I wanted and could 369 00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:19,080 Speaker 1: love as much. It's gonna come from this. There is 370 00:21:19,119 --> 00:21:26,240 Speaker 1: something amazing on the horizon. Hold both truths in either hand. Again, 371 00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:31,120 Speaker 1: so much of this advice is very breakup coded. Sometimes 372 00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:33,440 Speaker 1: it's nice to think that way of like you're grateful 373 00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:36,040 Speaker 1: for the relationship that you had, but you know you 374 00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:38,960 Speaker 1: could find better. Like it is a real psychological strategy. 375 00:21:40,040 --> 00:21:43,920 Speaker 1: So to summarize that, don't let the urgency of homesickness 376 00:21:44,520 --> 00:21:47,000 Speaker 1: and the urgency of your stress response convince you that 377 00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:49,399 Speaker 1: you've made a mistake and that you need to remedy 378 00:21:49,440 --> 00:21:55,760 Speaker 1: it immediately. Give yourself some time. Of course, if after 379 00:21:55,840 --> 00:21:59,400 Speaker 1: a while you know it really isn't working, you can 380 00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:04,159 Speaker 1: totally make the best decision, but just give yourself time 381 00:22:04,640 --> 00:22:07,800 Speaker 1: to really commit to this and to this opportunity. I've 382 00:22:08,480 --> 00:22:11,439 Speaker 1: learned so much about homesickness from all the times I've moved, 383 00:22:12,119 --> 00:22:14,159 Speaker 1: So I want to give you some tips that I'm 384 00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:17,159 Speaker 1: currently putting into play in my own life. Things that 385 00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:20,919 Speaker 1: are like general and also things that are more actionable 386 00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:25,520 Speaker 1: that you could do like today. Firstly, and I think 387 00:22:25,520 --> 00:22:27,359 Speaker 1: I said this in my seven Tips for moving to 388 00:22:27,359 --> 00:22:30,560 Speaker 1: a new City episode, but for the first three months, 389 00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:32,840 Speaker 1: this is the biggest tip I will give you if 390 00:22:32,880 --> 00:22:36,280 Speaker 1: you can avoid it, do not go home again. Keeping 391 00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:39,280 Speaker 1: on this breakup metaphor, this is coming back many times. 392 00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:41,399 Speaker 1: What is one of the best things that you can 393 00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:43,840 Speaker 1: do after you break up with somebody in the aftermath 394 00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:48,439 Speaker 1: of a breakup or a separation, go no contact and 395 00:22:48,480 --> 00:22:51,359 Speaker 1: you need to go no contact with the place you miss. 396 00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:53,840 Speaker 1: As hard as that is, they're not a toxic x. 397 00:22:54,800 --> 00:22:58,359 Speaker 1: You probably will go back eventually, but it's important to 398 00:22:58,400 --> 00:23:01,600 Speaker 1: do this to interrupt the detachment pro Otherwise, your brain 399 00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:03,960 Speaker 1: is never going to fully clock into this idea that 400 00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:05,560 Speaker 1: you were in a new chapter, you were in a 401 00:23:05,600 --> 00:23:08,840 Speaker 1: new season. Every time you go back, there's a reinforcement 402 00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:12,240 Speaker 1: loop at play. Seeing your old room, seeing your old friends, 403 00:23:12,359 --> 00:23:15,959 Speaker 1: having your own routine gives you a dopamine hit, and 404 00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:20,120 Speaker 1: it temporarily soothes a sense of longing, But that relief 405 00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:24,080 Speaker 1: strengthens the initial craving because your self control has weakened. 406 00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:29,080 Speaker 1: Neuroscience research on breaking an attachment shows that reminders of 407 00:23:29,119 --> 00:23:33,760 Speaker 1: a lost attachment activate the same reward and craving systems 408 00:23:33,800 --> 00:23:36,560 Speaker 1: involved in addiction. The more you go back, the harder 409 00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:40,880 Speaker 1: it is to move forward, as terrible as that may sound. Secondly, 410 00:23:40,920 --> 00:23:45,159 Speaker 1: I will say find your old favorites in your new place. 411 00:23:45,560 --> 00:23:48,520 Speaker 1: Make a project out of thinking about all the places 412 00:23:48,520 --> 00:23:52,760 Speaker 1: that you really loved from your old home and finding 413 00:23:52,800 --> 00:23:55,480 Speaker 1: the next best thing or the better thing where you 414 00:23:55,520 --> 00:23:57,760 Speaker 1: are nowt This was my number one priority when I 415 00:23:57,800 --> 00:24:00,199 Speaker 1: moved to London. I knew I needed to find and 416 00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:04,959 Speaker 1: a gym and nyil salon, a local cafe, a local 417 00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:10,720 Speaker 1: library that I loved just as much as the ones 418 00:24:10,760 --> 00:24:16,119 Speaker 1: that I had left with side note, this didn't go 419 00:24:16,160 --> 00:24:17,840 Speaker 1: as well as I wanted it to. I found like 420 00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:20,199 Speaker 1: my dream gym, honestly a gym that was better than 421 00:24:20,200 --> 00:24:23,080 Speaker 1: the one I had back in Australia. I was like 422 00:24:23,119 --> 00:24:26,199 Speaker 1: so excited for it, and it actually burnt down. It 423 00:24:26,240 --> 00:24:29,520 Speaker 1: burnt down within like this is not this is not 424 00:24:29,560 --> 00:24:31,960 Speaker 1: a made up story. I got a year long membership. 425 00:24:31,960 --> 00:24:36,320 Speaker 1: It burnt down two days later. So that you can laugh. Laugh, 426 00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:41,280 Speaker 1: otherwise you'll cry about this. But commit to just finding 427 00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:44,119 Speaker 1: the things that you know you really need in a 428 00:24:44,160 --> 00:24:48,480 Speaker 1: location in this new place, so that you have both 429 00:24:48,520 --> 00:24:51,240 Speaker 1: that attachment to what you really loved and we're grateful 430 00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:55,359 Speaker 1: for and also this new this new excitement for Yeah, 431 00:24:55,359 --> 00:24:58,080 Speaker 1: how this is showing up in your new life Thirdly, 432 00:24:58,119 --> 00:25:03,000 Speaker 1: I would say, days you are not feeling good, whether 433 00:25:03,040 --> 00:25:06,600 Speaker 1: that is today, whether it is in a couple of weeks, 434 00:25:07,160 --> 00:25:13,359 Speaker 1: get outside first, get outside second, come back and get cozy. 435 00:25:14,240 --> 00:25:16,760 Speaker 1: Both things are equally important here. You have to find 436 00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:21,920 Speaker 1: the balance. I cannot overstate the importance of keeping busy 437 00:25:22,640 --> 00:25:26,240 Speaker 1: and the importance of adventure in keeping the honeymoon period 438 00:25:26,440 --> 00:25:29,399 Speaker 1: and the honeymoon phase of a new place alive, and 439 00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:33,320 Speaker 1: ensuring that you don't get stuck in convenient routines, not 440 00:25:33,440 --> 00:25:36,880 Speaker 1: chosen routines. If you want to overcome your homesickness, you've 441 00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:38,879 Speaker 1: got to treat every single day like it is your 442 00:25:38,880 --> 00:25:41,560 Speaker 1: first day in this new city. You've got to play tourist. 443 00:25:41,640 --> 00:25:44,119 Speaker 1: You've got to go out and do stuff. Literally, it 444 00:25:44,160 --> 00:25:46,640 Speaker 1: was my twenty sixth birthday the other day, and I 445 00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:50,400 Speaker 1: walked twenty six kilometers across London just for the adventure, 446 00:25:51,119 --> 00:25:52,960 Speaker 1: just to keep me focused on all the new things 447 00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:56,280 Speaker 1: that I am seeing, and the opportunities and just the 448 00:25:56,320 --> 00:25:58,840 Speaker 1: blessing of like getting to be here right and getting 449 00:25:58,880 --> 00:26:00,760 Speaker 1: to see things I may have never if I hadn't 450 00:26:00,760 --> 00:26:05,520 Speaker 1: had the opportunity to do this. Equally, Equally, you need 451 00:26:05,560 --> 00:26:08,479 Speaker 1: to keep showing your body and your mind, that you 452 00:26:08,480 --> 00:26:11,239 Speaker 1: are safer, that you are comfortable. I see a lot 453 00:26:11,240 --> 00:26:13,000 Speaker 1: of people like go all out with the adventure and 454 00:26:13,040 --> 00:26:14,920 Speaker 1: then they burn out because they never spend any time 455 00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:17,760 Speaker 1: at home. Your home is also important. You have to 456 00:26:17,800 --> 00:26:20,720 Speaker 1: show yourself that you are comfortable here, you like it here, 457 00:26:21,160 --> 00:26:23,680 Speaker 1: that this is a place that you feel safe. If 458 00:26:23,680 --> 00:26:26,200 Speaker 1: you want one thing you can do today, go out 459 00:26:26,200 --> 00:26:28,520 Speaker 1: in that big long walk of a new neighborhood you 460 00:26:28,560 --> 00:26:32,040 Speaker 1: haven't explored yet. Give yourself like a forty dollar budget, 461 00:26:32,080 --> 00:26:35,800 Speaker 1: whatever it is, and get some really cool, comforting stuff 462 00:26:35,840 --> 00:26:39,879 Speaker 1: for your space. Buy nice bed sheets. I said this 463 00:26:39,920 --> 00:26:42,399 Speaker 1: in my other episode on this Buy nice bed sheets, 464 00:26:42,640 --> 00:26:45,720 Speaker 1: Buy a nice lamp, Buy some pictures of home, buy 465 00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:50,600 Speaker 1: a cute trinket, so that this new home feels like 466 00:26:50,680 --> 00:26:53,400 Speaker 1: a permanent one or feels like one that is comforting, 467 00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:55,800 Speaker 1: feels like one that you want to be in. You 468 00:26:55,880 --> 00:26:58,359 Speaker 1: need both things. You need the adventure, you need, the 469 00:26:58,359 --> 00:27:01,159 Speaker 1: novelty you need, the newness of and the excitement of 470 00:27:01,240 --> 00:27:04,560 Speaker 1: like being in a place that you know, ancestors of 471 00:27:04,600 --> 00:27:07,399 Speaker 1: yours or other people that you know could only dream of. 472 00:27:08,240 --> 00:27:11,480 Speaker 1: And then also making sure you have time to make 473 00:27:12,160 --> 00:27:16,040 Speaker 1: your home, make your room. Make your space your safe 474 00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:21,080 Speaker 1: space so that your body does have that opportunity to decompress. 475 00:27:22,840 --> 00:27:24,600 Speaker 1: This next tip is going to be the one that 476 00:27:24,640 --> 00:27:27,440 Speaker 1: you probably hate the most, especially if you're really close 477 00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:30,600 Speaker 1: with your family, especially if you're really close with your friends. 478 00:27:31,920 --> 00:27:36,480 Speaker 1: Try to only call home once or twice a week maximum. 479 00:27:36,640 --> 00:27:39,280 Speaker 1: This is going to be the hardest part. But similar 480 00:27:39,280 --> 00:27:44,399 Speaker 1: to the above tip, you're essentially detoxing. This isn't forever, 481 00:27:44,480 --> 00:27:47,679 Speaker 1: you know, just until like the calls become more sweet 482 00:27:47,680 --> 00:27:51,840 Speaker 1: and bittersweet. But it is so important, you know. I 483 00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:54,439 Speaker 1: was on this Reddit page that was like homesickness and adulthood, 484 00:27:54,480 --> 00:27:56,359 Speaker 1: and it was all these people giving these tips of 485 00:27:56,400 --> 00:27:58,680 Speaker 1: like call home as much as possible, and like talk 486 00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:00,440 Speaker 1: to your friends and your family as much as possible. 487 00:28:02,480 --> 00:28:06,159 Speaker 1: It's almost like drinking alcohol when you're really sad, like 488 00:28:06,200 --> 00:28:08,119 Speaker 1: it's going to make you feel really good and then 489 00:28:08,119 --> 00:28:11,520 Speaker 1: it's gonna make you feel really terrible, or like eating 490 00:28:11,880 --> 00:28:14,440 Speaker 1: like candy when you're really hungry, like it's the thing 491 00:28:14,520 --> 00:28:16,280 Speaker 1: that you it's just there and it would just be 492 00:28:16,320 --> 00:28:19,560 Speaker 1: the easiest way to satiate an urge or a need, 493 00:28:20,480 --> 00:28:22,800 Speaker 1: and then you just realize it was probably a bad decision, 494 00:28:23,400 --> 00:28:27,200 Speaker 1: and the reason is because it just keeps this again, 495 00:28:28,280 --> 00:28:32,000 Speaker 1: it keeps this reinforcement cycle alive. Of like, when I'm 496 00:28:32,080 --> 00:28:34,959 Speaker 1: feeling a bad feeling, the thing that's going to comfort 497 00:28:34,960 --> 00:28:38,160 Speaker 1: me the most is home because that is better than 498 00:28:38,200 --> 00:28:42,080 Speaker 1: anything I have here. And it's such a powerful urge 499 00:28:42,080 --> 00:28:45,200 Speaker 1: because of course it is, but you have to deliberately 500 00:28:45,200 --> 00:28:47,320 Speaker 1: try and break that if you want to be able 501 00:28:47,320 --> 00:28:49,280 Speaker 1: to form a new attachment with this new city that 502 00:28:49,320 --> 00:28:53,880 Speaker 1: you're in. I've been doing this as of a couple 503 00:28:53,840 --> 00:28:57,479 Speaker 1: of weeks ago. It's been really hard, but it's forced 504 00:28:57,480 --> 00:29:02,440 Speaker 1: me to rely on new friends in the city and 505 00:29:03,440 --> 00:29:06,440 Speaker 1: my boyfriend who lives here. And also it's forced me 506 00:29:06,440 --> 00:29:08,080 Speaker 1: to rely on myself and to just be like, hey, 507 00:29:08,080 --> 00:29:11,600 Speaker 1: I can actually handle this. And part of homesickness again 508 00:29:11,680 --> 00:29:13,840 Speaker 1: is I think, just being able to say to yourself, 509 00:29:14,880 --> 00:29:17,880 Speaker 1: I can handle this, and I can do hard things. 510 00:29:18,440 --> 00:29:20,120 Speaker 1: I will. Also, this is like not really a tip, 511 00:29:20,160 --> 00:29:24,800 Speaker 1: it's just advice. It's a movie recommendation. Randomly watch the 512 00:29:24,800 --> 00:29:28,640 Speaker 1: movie Brooklyn if you are feeling intense homesickness right now. 513 00:29:29,160 --> 00:29:32,479 Speaker 1: Sometimes I think the any feeling. Sometimes I think one 514 00:29:32,480 --> 00:29:35,800 Speaker 1: of the greatest things we can do is seeing somebody 515 00:29:35,800 --> 00:29:38,120 Speaker 1: else's story even during that and seeing that they turned 516 00:29:38,120 --> 00:29:43,200 Speaker 1: out okay. It's basically like vicarious learning or like vicarious 517 00:29:43,200 --> 00:29:45,880 Speaker 1: modeling we would call it in psychology, basically seeing an 518 00:29:45,880 --> 00:29:48,400 Speaker 1: example and knowing it's possible for us. But this movie 519 00:29:48,440 --> 00:29:53,160 Speaker 1: is incredible. It's with Sersha roonin think. It's based in 520 00:29:53,200 --> 00:29:56,520 Speaker 1: New York, based in Ireland, about this young woman who 521 00:29:56,520 --> 00:29:58,800 Speaker 1: moves from Ireland to Brooklyn. I'm not going to spoil 522 00:29:58,840 --> 00:30:01,640 Speaker 1: it anymore. I like that's kind of a generic migration story, 523 00:30:01,680 --> 00:30:05,520 Speaker 1: but it is so profoundly beautiful. And there is this 524 00:30:05,680 --> 00:30:09,280 Speaker 1: quote in it that I think is just the best 525 00:30:09,360 --> 00:30:12,520 Speaker 1: quote about homesickness, which is like homesickness is like any 526 00:30:12,560 --> 00:30:16,000 Speaker 1: other sickness. It's really annoying, and it makes you feel 527 00:30:16,000 --> 00:30:18,040 Speaker 1: wretched when you've got it, and then pretty sooner we'll 528 00:30:18,080 --> 00:30:20,240 Speaker 1: move on to somebody else and you won't be able 529 00:30:20,280 --> 00:30:24,640 Speaker 1: to remember what it felt like any big emotion, you 530 00:30:24,840 --> 00:30:28,120 Speaker 1: have to move through it rather than around it, and 531 00:30:28,520 --> 00:30:32,120 Speaker 1: homesickness is no different. Anything you can do to feel 532 00:30:32,120 --> 00:30:36,480 Speaker 1: it fully and then also know that this is just 533 00:30:36,560 --> 00:30:38,719 Speaker 1: kind of part of the story and know that this 534 00:30:38,800 --> 00:30:41,600 Speaker 1: is maybe just the price you pay for an incredible 535 00:30:41,760 --> 00:30:44,840 Speaker 1: life and for a big life. This is the price 536 00:30:44,880 --> 00:30:47,840 Speaker 1: you have to pay for a big life is missing home, 537 00:30:48,000 --> 00:30:53,160 Speaker 1: missing maybe even multiple homes. Is a great mindset shift. 538 00:30:53,760 --> 00:30:57,440 Speaker 1: Speaking of a mindset shift, this is the one that 539 00:30:57,480 --> 00:31:00,920 Speaker 1: I will leave you with as a final thing in 540 00:31:00,960 --> 00:31:03,720 Speaker 1: your hardest times. With this, in your hardest days, whether 541 00:31:03,760 --> 00:31:06,560 Speaker 1: you're at college, whether you're traveling, whether you've just moved, 542 00:31:07,800 --> 00:31:09,920 Speaker 1: I want you to remember that. And this is a 543 00:31:09,920 --> 00:31:12,920 Speaker 1: weird thing I've noticed in my twenties. Every great thing 544 00:31:13,120 --> 00:31:15,400 Speaker 1: always asks us to give up something else we truly 545 00:31:15,440 --> 00:31:20,160 Speaker 1: love and think is great. There is always a trade off. Always. 546 00:31:21,720 --> 00:31:25,479 Speaker 1: This new city, this new opportunity is fantastic, and it's 547 00:31:25,560 --> 00:31:27,200 Speaker 1: going to be fantastic, but it's going to ask you 548 00:31:27,240 --> 00:31:29,440 Speaker 1: to give up something else. You can't be too greedy 549 00:31:29,440 --> 00:31:33,880 Speaker 1: with it. And the price that you are paying is homesickness, right, 550 00:31:34,240 --> 00:31:40,360 Speaker 1: and it's a brutal cost. It's also temporary. And the alternative, 551 00:31:40,760 --> 00:31:45,400 Speaker 1: the comparison is the person that you know from high school, 552 00:31:45,920 --> 00:31:49,360 Speaker 1: the person that you know from childhood, that you know 553 00:31:49,440 --> 00:31:54,760 Speaker 1: from university, who never did anything like this, and who 554 00:31:55,800 --> 00:32:00,720 Speaker 1: maybe hasn't experienced the low of this feeling, but also 555 00:32:00,720 --> 00:32:04,240 Speaker 1: has never experienced the high of that first day where 556 00:32:04,280 --> 00:32:10,320 Speaker 1: it just suddenly feels great, or the high of meeting 557 00:32:10,360 --> 00:32:12,760 Speaker 1: somebody you never would have met if you'd stayed where 558 00:32:12,760 --> 00:32:17,160 Speaker 1: you were, the high of just having people over at 559 00:32:17,200 --> 00:32:20,080 Speaker 1: the place that you now call home, of your parents 560 00:32:20,120 --> 00:32:24,160 Speaker 1: coming to see your new life. So it's kind of 561 00:32:24,200 --> 00:32:26,920 Speaker 1: this choice and this has nothing to do with homesickness 562 00:32:27,120 --> 00:32:29,720 Speaker 1: and everything to do with life. If you want a 563 00:32:29,720 --> 00:32:33,240 Speaker 1: big life, it comes with costs. If you want a 564 00:32:33,240 --> 00:32:35,880 Speaker 1: small life, you might be more in the center of 565 00:32:35,960 --> 00:32:40,600 Speaker 1: your emotional spectrum, never experiencing such terrible lows. You're also 566 00:32:40,600 --> 00:32:45,640 Speaker 1: probably never going to experience such terrific high, powerful moments 567 00:32:45,720 --> 00:32:49,560 Speaker 1: of just feeling really capable, feeling like you've done the thing, 568 00:32:50,200 --> 00:32:53,160 Speaker 1: feeling like, God, I'm so glad I've done this. That 569 00:32:53,240 --> 00:32:56,040 Speaker 1: can only come with hindsight, and it's hindsight that it's 570 00:32:56,040 --> 00:32:57,800 Speaker 1: going to come to you. And I think part of 571 00:32:57,840 --> 00:32:59,520 Speaker 1: this is me trying to say it to myself of like, 572 00:32:59,560 --> 00:33:01,280 Speaker 1: this is high that's going to come with my move 573 00:33:01,360 --> 00:33:04,600 Speaker 1: to London, but I truly believe it, and I yeah, 574 00:33:04,840 --> 00:33:07,680 Speaker 1: and I just I'm excited, and that's the feeling I 575 00:33:07,760 --> 00:33:12,200 Speaker 1: try and replace my anxiety with is just excitement and 576 00:33:12,280 --> 00:33:16,640 Speaker 1: optimism and possibility. So if you have made it this far, 577 00:33:17,280 --> 00:33:21,160 Speaker 1: good luck. I know homesickness is really really painful and 578 00:33:21,320 --> 00:33:24,880 Speaker 1: really sad, and I miss my mom and I miss 579 00:33:24,920 --> 00:33:27,080 Speaker 1: my dog, and I miss all my friends. So you 580 00:33:27,120 --> 00:33:29,720 Speaker 1: are not in that boat alone. And I'm also really 581 00:33:29,720 --> 00:33:32,520 Speaker 1: really proud of us. I'm really proud of you for 582 00:33:32,640 --> 00:33:35,480 Speaker 1: doing the thing that is the hard thing, and I 583 00:33:35,520 --> 00:33:39,200 Speaker 1: think you will most certainly be rewarded for that. If 584 00:33:39,200 --> 00:33:41,920 Speaker 1: you have made it this far, leave a little comment 585 00:33:41,960 --> 00:33:47,440 Speaker 1: down below. Where are you experiencing homesickness from? Are you 586 00:33:47,520 --> 00:33:50,600 Speaker 1: in Paris? Are you in North Dakota? Are you in 587 00:33:50,640 --> 00:33:52,560 Speaker 1: New Zealand? Are you in Kenya? Like I don't know, 588 00:33:53,040 --> 00:33:55,760 Speaker 1: where are you listening to this episode from? I'd love 589 00:33:55,800 --> 00:33:58,320 Speaker 1: to know? Make sure that you are following us on 590 00:33:58,480 --> 00:34:00,760 Speaker 1: Instagram if you feel called to do so. Make sure 591 00:34:00,760 --> 00:34:03,200 Speaker 1: you leave a five star review if you related to 592 00:34:03,240 --> 00:34:05,400 Speaker 1: this episode, if it helped you out, and that you 593 00:34:05,440 --> 00:34:09,000 Speaker 1: were following along for more advice for your twenties. If 594 00:34:09,040 --> 00:34:11,880 Speaker 1: you're in the US or Canada, you can also watch 595 00:34:11,960 --> 00:34:14,799 Speaker 1: this episode or all future episodes. If you don't want 596 00:34:14,840 --> 00:34:18,800 Speaker 1: to rewatch this episode on Netflix, just look up the psychology. 597 00:34:18,800 --> 00:34:20,880 Speaker 1: If your twenties on Netflix, you will find us. You 598 00:34:20,880 --> 00:34:23,000 Speaker 1: can see our studio, you can see my face. It's 599 00:34:23,239 --> 00:34:27,239 Speaker 1: a very fun experience. Thank you to our researcher Libby 600 00:34:27,280 --> 00:34:32,360 Speaker 1: Colbert for her assistance with this episode. She's amazing. But 601 00:34:32,480 --> 00:34:35,280 Speaker 1: until next time, be safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself. 602 00:34:35,640 --> 00:34:37,439 Speaker 1: We will talk very very soon.