WEBVTT - Checking In Replay: Living vs. Existing 0:00:00.120 --> 0:00:03.000 Welcome to Checking In with Michelle Williams, a production of 0:00:03.000 --> 0:00:20.079 iHeartRadio and The Black Effect. Listen if you think you 0:00:20.160 --> 0:00:27.319 just need, you know, a little wisdom, some encouragement, this 0:00:27.400 --> 0:00:30.240 is the episode for you to listen to. We're gonna 0:00:30.280 --> 0:00:34.559 talk about all things trust, the difference between living and 0:00:34.960 --> 0:00:39.800 just existing. I just felt the need to encourage some 0:00:39.920 --> 0:00:42.479 of the listeners out there. Y'all have been rocking with 0:00:42.520 --> 0:00:46.240 me now for three years, and I say it every episode. 0:00:46.320 --> 0:00:50.560 I don't take your listening and you're downloading the episodes 0:00:50.600 --> 0:00:54.400 for granted at all, Maybe tug on a friend and 0:00:54.440 --> 0:00:59.840 tell them, hey, this episode is for you. All right, y'all, 0:01:00.160 --> 0:01:03.200 we are really in the month of May. It really 0:01:03.360 --> 0:01:07.679 is the fifth month of twenty twenty three, y'all. This 0:01:07.800 --> 0:01:11.240 month is moving, This year is moving, and I hope 0:01:11.280 --> 0:01:15.000 you're moving with it. I began to think about the 0:01:15.040 --> 0:01:22.200 difference between living and existing and just trying to gauge 0:01:22.280 --> 0:01:25.520 the areas that I've just been existing in and areas 0:01:25.520 --> 0:01:30.560 that I think I'm thriving in, thriving and living because 0:01:30.600 --> 0:01:34.840 life is going to always present a set of challenges, 0:01:35.760 --> 0:01:40.039 and my desire is for divine strategy and divine wisdom 0:01:40.160 --> 0:01:45.319 on how to navigate the obstacles and challenges that come 0:01:45.440 --> 0:01:49.880 my way, not only divine wisdom and strategies on how 0:01:49.920 --> 0:01:57.120 to overcome those obstacles. It's like, okay, also, Lord place 0:01:57.240 --> 0:02:02.840 divine help around me. But that is going to require trust, 0:02:03.800 --> 0:02:08.680 which I think I've said before, I haven't had an assistant. Ooh, 0:02:08.919 --> 0:02:12.720 I haven't had a real assistant in over ten years 0:02:13.280 --> 0:02:16.720 because of my lack of trust. And I've got to 0:02:16.760 --> 0:02:19.320 get over that. I've got to give people an opportunity 0:02:20.240 --> 0:02:22.960 not to prove themselves, because I wouldn't want anyone to 0:02:23.000 --> 0:02:25.519 work for me and think they have to perform for 0:02:25.680 --> 0:02:29.040 my trust. Now what do I mean perform? Well, let 0:02:29.080 --> 0:02:30.639 me do this to make sure that she no, no, 0:02:30.639 --> 0:02:33.399 no, no no. I want you to be you. And I've 0:02:33.400 --> 0:02:38.000 been reading this book. It's a brand new book by 0:02:38.120 --> 0:02:42.400 doctor Henry Cloud called Trust. So y'all know doctor Henry 0:02:42.400 --> 0:02:46.200 Cloud is one of my favorite author of Safe People 0:02:46.520 --> 0:02:50.119 and Boundaries. He's got a few different versions of boundaries. 0:02:50.160 --> 0:02:53.840 He's got a boundaries and dating boundary. I mean just 0:02:53.919 --> 0:02:58.000 so many. He's the bomb, amazing great psychologists, but he 0:02:58.120 --> 0:03:00.720 talks to you in a practical way. He's from Louisiana, 0:03:00.960 --> 0:03:04.000 So he's got a definite down to earth approach. And 0:03:04.800 --> 0:03:07.320 the subtitle of his book Trust is called knowing when 0:03:07.360 --> 0:03:09.920 to give it, when to withhold it, how to earn it, 0:03:10.000 --> 0:03:12.960 and how to fix it when it gets broken. So 0:03:13.040 --> 0:03:15.560 I'm going to dive into some of those excerpts later. 0:03:15.600 --> 0:03:19.080 But I was trying to just figure out areas that 0:03:19.160 --> 0:03:23.560 I'm thriving in and then areas where, man, have I 0:03:23.720 --> 0:03:27.400 just gotten so numb in certain areas, And so I 0:03:27.480 --> 0:03:30.760 just felt led to encourage some folks out there who 0:03:30.880 --> 0:03:33.519 are kind of walking through life a little numb, because 0:03:33.520 --> 0:03:36.360 that's how you've chosen to protect yourself. You know, like 0:03:36.360 --> 0:03:38.800 when you go to the doctor and they have to 0:03:38.840 --> 0:03:40.960 give you a shot, or you're getting some dental work 0:03:41.040 --> 0:03:43.040 done and you gotta get a shot so they'll numb 0:03:43.080 --> 0:03:45.560 the area, and it's kind of like for your protection, 0:03:46.080 --> 0:03:49.880 so that you don't feel the pain. I will never 0:03:49.920 --> 0:03:52.240 forget a couple of years ago, I had a dream 0:03:52.520 --> 0:03:56.200 that I was being rolled into a surgical room and 0:03:56.280 --> 0:04:00.360 I was getting surgery or they were gonna cut a 0:04:00.480 --> 0:04:04.080 leg or something, but they did not want to give 0:04:04.120 --> 0:04:09.360 me anesthesia, And I remember I kept screaming, I don't 0:04:09.360 --> 0:04:11.080 want to feel the pain. I don't want to feel 0:04:11.080 --> 0:04:13.000 the pain. I don't want to feel the pain. Like bro, 0:04:13.680 --> 0:04:18.640 give me medicine, give me anesthesia. Numb the area. So, yes, 0:04:19.160 --> 0:04:22.920 numbing the area that's painful before you put a needle 0:04:22.960 --> 0:04:27.080 lined or do surgery or whatever. Yeah, that's good. It 0:04:27.560 --> 0:04:30.640 is a form of protection so that we're not terrorized 0:04:30.720 --> 0:04:33.960 by pain later, so that we're not terrorized to go 0:04:34.040 --> 0:04:37.159 to the doctor, you know, for surgery or to get 0:04:37.480 --> 0:04:40.160 you know, a shot or medicine, and you got to 0:04:40.200 --> 0:04:43.600 get an IV. I get it, I get it. But 0:04:43.640 --> 0:04:46.400 there are some times where you're gonna actually have to 0:04:46.600 --> 0:04:50.120 feel the pain in order to heal the pain. I 0:04:50.200 --> 0:04:54.760 cannot heal something that I don't feel. You cannot walk 0:04:54.800 --> 0:04:59.200 around numb your entire life, because to me, when you're 0:04:59.240 --> 0:05:02.800 walking around numb, that means there's some areas of healing. 0:05:03.480 --> 0:05:05.960 And I think we lessen the quality of life when 0:05:05.960 --> 0:05:08.360 we walk around just so numb and we just want 0:05:08.400 --> 0:05:14.320 to be so disassociated. And actually disassociation is actually a 0:05:14.360 --> 0:05:18.159 trauma response. It's what is happening to you as you 0:05:18.279 --> 0:05:23.400 are being abused or in an unsafe environment. You literally 0:05:23.560 --> 0:05:28.760 mentally disassociate yourself. It's like out of body. I don't 0:05:28.800 --> 0:05:30.800 want to see it. I don't want to hear it, 0:05:30.920 --> 0:05:34.120 I don't want to feel it. I remember back in 0:05:34.200 --> 0:05:39.000 twenty eighteen, I had a moment of disassociation, and I 0:05:39.040 --> 0:05:42.840 don't remember the phone calls made to me. I don't 0:05:42.839 --> 0:05:45.960 remember anything that I even did in that period of time. 0:05:46.880 --> 0:05:49.599 So you can chuckst It could be disassociation, or it 0:05:49.600 --> 0:05:55.239 could even be a psychotic break, like you're so traumatized, 0:05:55.480 --> 0:05:59.440 you just now. This is different to me blacking out 0:06:00.160 --> 0:06:03.080 do harm to somebody else. I'm talking about what happens 0:06:03.120 --> 0:06:07.240 when something has been done to you, or you've gotten 0:06:07.279 --> 0:06:10.680 some news that you just couldn't handle. Have you ever 0:06:10.760 --> 0:06:13.120 seen a love doing or maybe yourself when you got 0:06:13.200 --> 0:06:18.040 news that someone passed away and it was unexpected and 0:06:18.320 --> 0:06:25.440 you you pass out, You black out, You don't remember anything, right. 0:06:25.920 --> 0:06:29.719 But then there's sometimes where we are aware of the moment, 0:06:30.880 --> 0:06:36.640 but for the future, we just do things in our 0:06:36.680 --> 0:06:38.280 life where we're like, you know, I don't want to 0:06:38.320 --> 0:06:41.240 feel the pain. It's because you don't want to feel 0:06:41.240 --> 0:06:44.160 the pain. You won't go over Grandma's house anymore because 0:06:44.200 --> 0:06:46.520 y'all are so close, and when she passed away, you 0:06:46.600 --> 0:06:48.599 just can't. You don't want to feel the pain. You 0:06:48.640 --> 0:06:51.120 don't want to. You don't want to smell fried chicken 0:06:51.160 --> 0:06:53.520 no more because it reminds you of your best friend, 0:06:53.800 --> 0:06:56.320 because y'all used to smoke weed and eat chicken wings 0:06:56.320 --> 0:06:58.640 when you had the munchies, and now they're no longer here, 0:06:59.040 --> 0:07:04.120 or you're even someone who's actually maybe y'all broke up 0:07:04.480 --> 0:07:07.880 and you just want to disassociate yourself from the memories, 0:07:08.360 --> 0:07:10.840 or you want to disassociate yourself from the pain that 0:07:10.880 --> 0:07:15.000 they caused you. I get it, but we got to 0:07:15.040 --> 0:07:18.760 heal that pain so we can be able to feel 0:07:19.320 --> 0:07:23.320 the wind on our cheeks, the sun beat on our face. 0:07:24.080 --> 0:07:26.280 You want to be able to feel the love that 0:07:26.400 --> 0:07:29.920 someone else is trying to give you, but because you're 0:07:29.960 --> 0:07:34.720 so blocked off, you can't feel love. And I know 0:07:34.800 --> 0:07:39.440 you ain't given love. So I just wanted to speak 0:07:39.480 --> 0:07:43.320 into that, you know, and sometimes in order to feel 0:07:43.360 --> 0:07:46.120 the pain to heal it, I would encourage you to 0:07:46.360 --> 0:07:50.320 unpack that pain with someone, a professional or someone that 0:07:50.400 --> 0:07:54.120 you deem safe. Well, what do you mean, Michelle, So 0:07:54.160 --> 0:07:56.240 if you want to unpack your pain with someone and 0:07:56.360 --> 0:07:59.920 process your pain with a friend. Some steps are asked 0:08:00.160 --> 0:08:02.960 friend and be like, hey, I want to process something 0:08:02.960 --> 0:08:07.480 with you, something that's just been weighing me down. But 0:08:07.600 --> 0:08:12.040 before I unload on you emotionally, are you in a 0:08:12.120 --> 0:08:17.400 place to help me right now? Now? You're a safe person, 0:08:17.760 --> 0:08:20.720 And if that person is a safe person, you are 0:08:20.840 --> 0:08:25.080 giving them the choice to say, of course, let's talk. 0:08:25.880 --> 0:08:29.000 Or that person might say, hey, let me put my 0:08:29.080 --> 0:08:31.920 kids to bed right quick, let me feed the dogs, 0:08:32.240 --> 0:08:34.959 let me make sure my partner has eaten, and I'm 0:08:34.960 --> 0:08:37.680 gonna call you back in an hour. Or that person 0:08:37.760 --> 0:08:41.320 might say I want to give y'all permission to even 0:08:41.360 --> 0:08:46.800 tell that person like, man, I'm in a place right 0:08:46.840 --> 0:08:49.920 now that I can listen, But I just want to 0:08:49.960 --> 0:08:51.640 let you know I'm in a place right now where 0:08:51.679 --> 0:08:55.000 you might not want to hear my advice on a 0:08:55.040 --> 0:08:57.640 situation because I'm going through it too. So I'm just 0:08:57.640 --> 0:09:03.320 giving you variations of how to ask somebody and and 0:09:03.360 --> 0:09:07.520 what a safe person's response can be. An unsafe person 0:09:08.120 --> 0:09:10.360 will be like, man, I hope we ain't finna talk 0:09:10.400 --> 0:09:12.280 about so and so because I told you not to 0:09:12.360 --> 0:09:14.080 date them in the first place. See if you didn't 0:09:14.120 --> 0:09:17.640 date them. You wouldn't be heartbroken if man I told 0:09:17.720 --> 0:09:21.520 you not to move back to so and so. That's 0:09:21.640 --> 0:09:25.439 unsafe a safe person. I've already given you a couple 0:09:26.120 --> 0:09:29.800 variations of how a safe person will respond if you 0:09:29.920 --> 0:09:34.080 decide you want to unpack the pain or unpacked the 0:09:34.160 --> 0:09:38.800 pain with a professional counselor. But I really want you 0:09:38.880 --> 0:09:41.280 to get that weight off of you. I feel like 0:09:41.320 --> 0:09:44.920 the pain you carry is weight. It's kind of like 0:09:45.000 --> 0:09:47.520 imagine if you're trying to walk on a beautiful beach 0:09:47.559 --> 0:09:49.840 and you got buckets in your hand because you're supposed 0:09:49.880 --> 0:09:54.520 to be collecting sand, but it's nothing but stones, and 0:09:54.679 --> 0:10:02.920 each stone represents pain you're carrying. Each stone represents betrayal, disappointment, regret, 0:10:03.320 --> 0:10:07.560 and it seems like it's light to carry at first, 0:10:08.080 --> 0:10:13.120 but the longer you keep walking, it gets heavier. So 0:10:13.200 --> 0:10:15.920 I want you to be able to walk through life 0:10:16.120 --> 0:10:21.160 and unburden yourselves. I want you to lighten your load. 0:10:25.360 --> 0:10:29.520 To my friends that are listening, who listen every week, 0:10:29.760 --> 0:10:35.280 I want to call your name individually, but baby girl, 0:10:35.679 --> 0:10:41.640 unload that pain. That pain is not your identity. It 0:10:41.760 --> 0:10:45.439 is not who you are. The pain that someone inflicted 0:10:45.520 --> 0:10:48.360 on you is not who you are. The disappointment you feel, 0:10:48.440 --> 0:10:51.040 that's not your identity. You have nothing to do with that. 0:10:51.760 --> 0:10:57.319 But you are responsible for your healing. You cannot put 0:10:57.440 --> 0:11:00.600 your healing in the hands of the person that hurt 0:11:00.679 --> 0:11:04.520 you in the first place. Nine times out of ten 0:11:05.000 --> 0:11:07.520 they have moved on with their life. They probably don't 0:11:07.559 --> 0:11:09.680 even know that you hurt. They hurt you because they're 0:11:09.679 --> 0:11:13.120 so toxic, they're so used to living in dysfunction that 0:11:13.160 --> 0:11:17.200 they think it's normal. No, no, no, no, no, it 0:11:17.280 --> 0:11:22.120 is not normal. Just because you survive dysfunction, don't mean 0:11:22.160 --> 0:11:31.559 it's normal, all right. Surviving abuse, being abused is not normal, verbally, physically, 0:11:32.200 --> 0:11:35.880 in any kind of way. It's not cool, all right. 0:11:36.000 --> 0:11:38.960 So that will get you to a place of living 0:11:39.240 --> 0:11:43.920 and not just existing because you chose to numb yourself 0:11:44.440 --> 0:11:47.680 because of all the pain that you're in. And maybe 0:11:47.760 --> 0:11:50.600 maybe you're not the person in pain. Maybe you're in 0:11:50.679 --> 0:11:54.040 relationship with someone who is and it's affecting the quality 0:11:54.120 --> 0:11:57.640 of your relationships. And I'm not just talking about romantic relationships, 0:11:58.160 --> 0:12:00.839 just people. You friends with somebody, How do you cool it? 0:12:01.679 --> 0:12:05.359 They always come into the house down, They always negative 0:12:05.400 --> 0:12:09.800 that they're in pain. Help them, maybe initiate the conversation 0:12:09.920 --> 0:12:14.880 and be like, friend, it's been about four years. I 0:12:14.880 --> 0:12:17.560 don't know whether it's been a year of four years 0:12:17.559 --> 0:12:20.200 and we keep talking about the same thing, or I 0:12:20.280 --> 0:12:25.840 knowice like you just seem so irritable, and irritability is 0:12:26.000 --> 0:12:29.720 often mistake for anger when it's really depression, all right. 0:12:29.800 --> 0:12:33.959 So that person could just be depressed because they haven't 0:12:34.000 --> 0:12:37.480 had an outlet or a safe place to share you 0:12:37.520 --> 0:12:40.160 know what they've been going through, you know what I mean. 0:12:40.720 --> 0:12:43.960 My pastor said something on Sunday. He said some people 0:12:44.000 --> 0:12:48.120 want attention, not intervention. So you gonna have those people 0:12:48.160 --> 0:12:50.960 in your life as well, but make sure it's not you, 0:12:51.760 --> 0:12:55.440 all right, And make sure that when a person is 0:12:55.440 --> 0:12:58.520 talking to you, you have permission to say I hear 0:12:58.600 --> 0:13:01.000 what you're saying, and thank you so much for sharing. 0:13:01.400 --> 0:13:04.760 Are you just wanting me to listen? Or do you 0:13:04.840 --> 0:13:08.480 want my advice? Or can I help you with a solution, 0:13:09.240 --> 0:13:12.080 especially if you have a track record of great solutions, 0:13:12.320 --> 0:13:15.600 Especially if you have a great track record like I'm 0:13:15.640 --> 0:13:18.560 gonna take advice from somebody who got a life that 0:13:18.640 --> 0:13:22.120 I want to live. Well, I guess you can also 0:13:22.280 --> 0:13:24.160 listen to people who live a life you don't want 0:13:24.160 --> 0:13:26.480 to live because of bad choices that they made. You 0:13:26.520 --> 0:13:28.160 can look at them and be like, Okay, you a 0:13:28.200 --> 0:13:30.719 blueprint and you out of life that I don't want 0:13:30.760 --> 0:13:35.200 to live. But it's a possibility. Like I feel like 0:13:35.280 --> 0:13:40.839 I have the authority to speak on areas of healing depression, anxiety. 0:13:41.320 --> 0:13:44.120 I feel like I've walked through enough. I feel like 0:13:44.200 --> 0:13:50.000 I've overcome enough. I feel like I believe, I hope 0:13:50.040 --> 0:13:54.440 I've been a good witness to y'all about being resilient, 0:13:55.320 --> 0:13:59.160 getting that bounced back, you know, from situations that were 0:13:59.200 --> 0:14:02.960 meant to kill me, humiliate me, embarrass me, or make 0:14:03.000 --> 0:14:05.840 me just want to give up on life. Through the 0:14:05.880 --> 0:14:12.360 grace of God and y'all's prayers and support, oooh, I'm here. 0:14:13.240 --> 0:14:16.040 I'm here, and there are so many other people who've 0:14:16.080 --> 0:14:19.680 got a great track record of living this life that 0:14:19.760 --> 0:14:23.440 you can talk to. And so I really pray that, 0:14:24.120 --> 0:14:26.280 and I hope y'all allow me to say the word pray. 0:14:27.000 --> 0:14:30.200 My prayer is that you get surrounded with safe people 0:14:30.840 --> 0:14:39.200 and people you can trust. So, speaking of trust, I 0:14:39.360 --> 0:14:43.360 have been reading this book called Trust by doctor Henry Cloud. Again. 0:14:44.080 --> 0:14:48.600 The subtitle is Knowing when to give it, when to 0:14:48.760 --> 0:14:52.680 withhold it, how to earn it, and how to fix 0:14:52.800 --> 0:14:58.120 it when it gets broken. Y'all, we gotta trust. Have 0:14:58.240 --> 0:15:01.880 you ever heard people that say, I don't trust nobody, 0:15:02.280 --> 0:15:05.320 but you get on an airplane. You don't know the pilot, 0:15:06.120 --> 0:15:10.120 you don't know the flight attendance, but you on that plane. 0:15:11.440 --> 0:15:17.160 I don't trust nobody, but you get your food delivered. 0:15:18.320 --> 0:15:22.720 I don't trust nobody, but you drive a car hoping 0:15:22.760 --> 0:15:27.800 that everybody obeys the traffic signals and stop signs. Child, 0:15:30.560 --> 0:15:33.960 you ain't got that one person, so ask them if 0:15:33.960 --> 0:15:37.880 you don't trust nobody. You took the subway to work today, 0:15:39.160 --> 0:15:42.040 did you trust the conductor and that the train would 0:15:42.240 --> 0:15:45.680 not derail based on the people that are to ensure 0:15:45.760 --> 0:15:49.119 that the train stays on the rail. So you trust somebody? 0:15:50.160 --> 0:15:55.680 All right? Ain't that funny? So there are some things 0:15:55.720 --> 0:15:58.560 in the book where he says we can become better 0:15:58.600 --> 0:16:02.040 and better at knowing who is trustworthy and who is not, 0:16:02.760 --> 0:16:05.760 and we can get better at deciding when and with 0:16:05.880 --> 0:16:11.360 whom we will put ourselves at risk. Loving someone is 0:16:11.440 --> 0:16:14.400 a risk. Being in relationship with some is a risk. 0:16:15.360 --> 0:16:19.960 Chow some of your coworkers is a risk, but it 0:16:20.080 --> 0:16:24.160 is a risk that majority of the time you will 0:16:24.240 --> 0:16:30.040 find that it was a risk worth taking. There's a 0:16:30.040 --> 0:16:33.560 part in this book that says, possibly everyone reading this book, 0:16:33.600 --> 0:16:38.120 including me, has been victimized by a betrayal, small or 0:16:38.240 --> 0:16:42.760 large that still stings. We all have our stories of 0:16:42.920 --> 0:16:48.920 misplaced trust. We either missed warning signs and moved forward 0:16:48.920 --> 0:16:52.840 when we shouldn't have, or worse, the warning signs were 0:16:52.880 --> 0:16:58.480 not visible, y'all. I definitely moved forward on something when 0:16:58.480 --> 0:17:02.080 I shouldn't have. Before, I moved forward on doing a 0:17:02.160 --> 0:17:05.880 reality show when something in the pit of my stomach 0:17:05.960 --> 0:17:10.480 said do not do it, and we did it anyway, 0:17:11.240 --> 0:17:14.399 And I think we both did it because we were like, no, 0:17:14.640 --> 0:17:17.399 this is just the first time of doing something like this. 0:17:17.680 --> 0:17:23.560 We're just afraid. No, No, God was trying to protect. 0:17:23.880 --> 0:17:27.600 He was trying to protect so much in that season 0:17:27.640 --> 0:17:31.440 of my life, but I did not heed to that warning, 0:17:31.840 --> 0:17:36.000 missing warning signs. This book says everything about the situation 0:17:36.200 --> 0:17:39.000 looked good on the surface, and maybe it was, but 0:17:39.040 --> 0:17:42.360 we got burned. Anyway, when we look back, we say 0:17:42.400 --> 0:17:46.120 to ourselves, I just didn't see that coming, or how 0:17:46.160 --> 0:17:48.520 could they have done that to me? We were such 0:17:48.600 --> 0:17:51.359 good friends or lovers or partners. How could they have 0:17:51.440 --> 0:17:55.240 treated me that way? And sometimes it is not even 0:17:55.240 --> 0:17:59.560 an actual betrayal, but someone's honest inability to do what 0:17:59.600 --> 0:18:05.040 we need. We don't have good answers, but we do 0:18:05.160 --> 0:18:09.560 have scars. I promise you that you will never be 0:18:09.560 --> 0:18:14.880 betrayed or let down again after reading this book. Okay. 0:18:15.760 --> 0:18:17.600 One of the goals of the book is to equip 0:18:17.640 --> 0:18:19.560 you to know how to read between the lines of 0:18:20.320 --> 0:18:23.400 what someone tells you, tries to sell you, or promises you, 0:18:23.560 --> 0:18:25.760 and to be able to see what is trustworthy and 0:18:25.840 --> 0:18:29.720 what is not. Listen, I got to have him on 0:18:29.760 --> 0:18:36.959 the podcast. But this blessed me so much and blessed 0:18:37.000 --> 0:18:40.680 me so much, especially when you are in a situation 0:18:40.760 --> 0:18:44.800 where you're like, Okay, I don't trust, but I want 0:18:44.800 --> 0:18:48.919 to trust. This book even says that trust muscles can 0:18:49.280 --> 0:18:54.919 be repaired. Isn't that encouraging because maybe you were the 0:18:54.960 --> 0:19:00.240 person that inflicted pain, right, and so you are working 0:19:00.280 --> 0:19:05.680 to establish trust in a relationship again, And so I 0:19:05.760 --> 0:19:09.359 was encouraged. You know when he said in the book 0:19:09.400 --> 0:19:13.400 that trust muscles can be repaired. You gotta heal first, 0:19:13.840 --> 0:19:17.000 get past the anger and need for revenge and forgive, 0:19:18.119 --> 0:19:23.320 ponder and determine its reconciliation possible, and then a new 0:19:23.400 --> 0:19:26.880 track record being built. So while you're building those trust muscles, 0:19:27.080 --> 0:19:29.600 somebody should be able to look back and say, ma'am, 0:19:30.440 --> 0:19:33.600 you really hurt me, or you really disappointed me, but 0:19:33.640 --> 0:19:36.600 your track record these past six months or this past 0:19:36.720 --> 0:19:41.639 year has helped me rebuild my trust in you. Listen, 0:19:41.640 --> 0:19:44.639 you ain't perfect. I'm not perfect. I'm gonna I'm gonna 0:19:44.680 --> 0:19:47.400 need someone to trust me again. And I have been 0:19:47.440 --> 0:19:51.639 in that place where I needed someone to trust me again. 0:19:52.760 --> 0:19:56.520 And I love I love love, love, love, love love. 0:19:56.560 --> 0:20:00.360 The five essentials of trust, He says that you can 0:20:00.400 --> 0:20:03.959 trust someone when you feel your needs or understood, felt 0:20:04.000 --> 0:20:09.840 and cared about. So that's understanding. The second essential love 0:20:09.880 --> 0:20:13.080 trust is motive, when he says you can trust someone 0:20:13.160 --> 0:20:15.840 when you feel their motive is for you, not just 0:20:15.920 --> 0:20:19.560 for themselves. I have been in situations where I've been 0:20:19.600 --> 0:20:24.040 asked to do something and I be like, now, how 0:20:24.080 --> 0:20:26.560 that's gonna work out for me? What's in it for me? Now? 0:20:26.720 --> 0:20:29.000 There are moments where you do do things for people 0:20:29.080 --> 0:20:31.359 because you're like, God's been so good to me. I 0:20:31.359 --> 0:20:34.239 don't need nothing out of this. I'm gonna show up, 0:20:34.280 --> 0:20:36.960 I'm there, let's go. But then there are some people 0:20:37.000 --> 0:20:41.720 you're like, they kind of got an opportuneist spirit on them, right, 0:20:42.600 --> 0:20:45.600 So you can trust someone when you feel that even 0:20:45.640 --> 0:20:49.480 when they ask of you to do something, you still 0:20:49.520 --> 0:20:52.520 feel like their motive is for you and not just 0:20:52.920 --> 0:20:57.959 for themselves. A thirty central love trust is ability. You 0:20:58.000 --> 0:21:00.480 can trust someone when you feel they have the ability 0:21:00.560 --> 0:21:03.679 or capacity to guard and deliver results for what you 0:21:03.800 --> 0:21:06.359 have and trusted to them. Okay, some of y'all are 0:21:06.359 --> 0:21:10.320 in partnership with a friend loved one, y'all are opening 0:21:10.400 --> 0:21:14.760 up a business. Uh, y'all decided, Hey, we gonna do 0:21:14.800 --> 0:21:18.720 a food truck, or we gonna have a dance group, 0:21:18.960 --> 0:21:24.240 or we're gonna design clothes together. And they keep missing deadlines, 0:21:25.040 --> 0:21:29.480 your trust is eventually waning or they barely meet the deadline, 0:21:29.480 --> 0:21:31.920 and you're like, I don't trust that you're gonna deliver. 0:21:32.640 --> 0:21:34.560 I don't trust that you can do this work. So 0:21:35.119 --> 0:21:38.480 another essential trust is the ability do they have the 0:21:38.600 --> 0:21:42.080 ability to deliver results for what you've been trusted them 0:21:42.160 --> 0:21:45.000 to do. Maybe you have a company and you've hired 0:21:45.040 --> 0:21:48.600 someone and they keep dropping the ball. The amazing thing 0:21:48.600 --> 0:21:51.320 about this book is just not trust as it relates 0:21:51.359 --> 0:21:55.320 to romantic partners or family. It's also for leaders. It's 0:21:55.359 --> 0:21:58.320 also for business owners. It's you know, you're like, Yo, 0:21:58.400 --> 0:22:01.320 I got employees and do what keep dropping the ball? 0:22:01.480 --> 0:22:06.240 I'm starting to lose trust in them. Baby, Listen, they 0:22:06.280 --> 0:22:09.480 gotta know honey, you lose and trust in them and 0:22:09.480 --> 0:22:11.840 they finna lose what they say you about to lose 0:22:11.880 --> 0:22:16.000 your job. Uh. The fourthy center of trust is character. 0:22:17.119 --> 0:22:20.200 You can trust someone who has the character or personal 0:22:20.240 --> 0:22:24.600 makeup needed for what you and trust them with Trusting 0:22:24.640 --> 0:22:31.960 someone who has the character. Ooh. Character is so important 0:22:32.720 --> 0:22:39.040 because it's not it's not what you do really on stage, 0:22:39.800 --> 0:22:43.600 it's how are you off the stage? It's not what 0:22:43.680 --> 0:22:47.119 you do in front of everybody? What are you like 0:22:47.200 --> 0:22:53.720 behind closed doors? Hey? I know for me, that's something 0:22:53.760 --> 0:22:55.760 you gotta work on every day because I don't want 0:22:55.800 --> 0:22:58.320 to be the person where it's like the world adores me, 0:22:59.400 --> 0:23:02.640 but my kids one day or my husband one day 0:23:02.720 --> 0:23:05.639 is live. But she was a witch at home? You 0:23:05.720 --> 0:23:07.800 know what I mean? Like, no, no, no, you will 0:23:07.960 --> 0:23:10.800 all of that to match. No, it's all gotta make sense. 0:23:11.000 --> 0:23:18.639 Character the fifth essentials of trust is you can trust 0:23:18.720 --> 0:23:21.119 someone who has a track record of performing in the 0:23:21.160 --> 0:23:24.880 ways you need them to perform. Track record, all right, 0:23:25.359 --> 0:23:28.400 you can trust someone who has the track record of 0:23:28.720 --> 0:23:31.560 just showing up when people say they're gonna do something. 0:23:32.440 --> 0:23:36.480 They're there, you're getting ready to move, and someone says, okay, 0:23:36.480 --> 0:23:38.119 I'm a beat, I may help you pack it all up, 0:23:38.200 --> 0:23:40.919 and I'm gonna let you use my truck and we 0:23:41.600 --> 0:23:45.560 and then they don't show up, they don't call, and 0:23:45.600 --> 0:23:50.400 they've done this like twice on you. Mm hmmm. Y'all. 0:23:50.520 --> 0:23:56.720 It blessed me so much. And the five essentials of 0:23:56.840 --> 0:24:03.320 trust again, those five essentials are under standing, motive, ability, character, 0:24:03.480 --> 0:24:07.359 and track record. But y'all, it made me ask two 0:24:07.440 --> 0:24:12.520 questions of myself. It made me ask who is in 0:24:12.560 --> 0:24:16.280 my life that has these five essentials? Who is in 0:24:16.359 --> 0:24:20.000 your life that has those five essentials? And then the 0:24:20.080 --> 0:24:25.119 other question I had was do I carry these essentials 0:24:25.119 --> 0:24:30.359 in me? Can people say that I have those five 0:24:30.640 --> 0:24:37.919 essentials of trust? I've been big on talking about setting boundaries, right, 0:24:38.720 --> 0:24:41.560 but like, how many people have maybe had to set 0:24:41.600 --> 0:24:45.440 a boundary with me? Say I'm setting boundaries? I don't 0:24:45.480 --> 0:24:51.240 trust nobody. Well, do people trust you? Do you carry 0:24:51.960 --> 0:24:57.240 those five trust essentials? Can people say your motive is pure? 0:24:58.160 --> 0:25:01.800 Can people say that you show up? Can people say 0:25:02.280 --> 0:25:05.280 you know what so and so is a hot mess? 0:25:05.640 --> 0:25:15.200 But they are consistent, they got my back. I'm so grateful. 0:25:15.800 --> 0:25:21.359 I know I got at least one hand of people 0:25:21.400 --> 0:25:24.880 that I can name right now that are consistent. We 0:25:25.000 --> 0:25:29.160 might not talk every day every week, but they are 0:25:29.240 --> 0:25:34.440 consistent in showing up. They are consistent in how they 0:25:34.560 --> 0:25:40.280 move towards me and with me. I'm thankful, I'm super thankful. 0:25:41.119 --> 0:25:44.399 But I always got to make sure that that level 0:25:44.480 --> 0:25:47.080 of trust and how I need people to show up 0:25:47.119 --> 0:25:50.720 for me. I gotta make sure that I show up 0:25:50.760 --> 0:25:54.280 for them and don't just show up when it's convenient. 0:25:55.200 --> 0:25:57.399 Isn't it something where you're like, you know, I got 0:25:57.520 --> 0:25:59.280 a call off work, but I'm gonna be there for 0:25:59.320 --> 0:26:02.000 you in your time need. I'm gonna take a vacation 0:26:02.200 --> 0:26:05.120 day and I'm gonna be there. Somebody might lost their parents, 0:26:05.400 --> 0:26:07.760 lost a loved one, or lost a job and they're 0:26:07.800 --> 0:26:12.200 going through depression. Can you show up for somebody? Can 0:26:12.240 --> 0:26:17.639 you instacart them some some groceries? Child? I don't never 0:26:17.680 --> 0:26:21.159 forget during COVID, if folks that I knew were sick, 0:26:21.880 --> 0:26:23.359 I'd be like, well, at least let me send you 0:26:23.400 --> 0:26:25.680 some ginger rell because I ain't coming to your house. 0:26:26.600 --> 0:26:28.639 But let me send you this good old chicken soup 0:26:29.280 --> 0:26:33.640 and some turmeric and ginger probiotic. You know them little 0:26:33.680 --> 0:26:38.280 drinks that you can just shoot them and just swallow 0:26:38.320 --> 0:26:41.840 them in like two seconds. Yeah, that's me. That's me. 0:26:42.440 --> 0:26:44.520 I'm gonna send you some groceries in a minute, now, 0:26:44.520 --> 0:26:47.680