Speaker 1: Hello, Hello, Lyele.
Speaker 2: Hi, what's your name?
Speaker 1: Hi? I'm Anna, Anna.
Speaker 2: What's up. How's life?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Life is good. Life is weirdly good. That I'm
Speaker 1: probably a bit older than a lot of your listeners.
Speaker 1: I'm going to be fifty this year, and this year
Speaker 1: has just been amazing. So that's what I wanted to
Speaker 1: get on and tell people to say things that get
Speaker 1: suddenly get amazing. I had quite a shit time of
Speaker 1: it before then, and now everything is just falling into place.
Speaker 2: Oh dear God, that's you know what is I've been.
Speaker 2: I've been fucking just wrapped in existential dread. I can't
Speaker 2: fucking beat it. And I thought I beat it. I
Speaker 2: thought I beat it for like a month, and now
Speaker 2: it's coming back, and I'm like scared. And so to
Speaker 2: hear that you're fifty and you're living your best life,
Speaker 2: I want to know. I'm intrigued, so please tell me.
Speaker 1: Okay. So the first thing, big one for everyone at
Speaker 1: the moment is ADHD diagnosis, because it presents differently in women,
Speaker 1: and nobody knew what the fuck they were looking at
Speaker 1: at me, you know, in the eighties. So that's really helped,
Speaker 1: not for any reason other than I don't have to
Speaker 1: feel so ashamed of the things that I couldn't control.
Speaker 1: You know, I can't keep my room tidy. I'm maybe
Speaker 1: fifty years old. My room is a mess. My room
Speaker 1: is ankle deep in shit all the time, even though
Speaker 1: I'm I'm I'm tidy. I feel like I'm tidy all
Speaker 1: the time. But now I know that this is just
Speaker 1: hard of the beautiful mystery of my brain. I just
Speaker 1: keep into it. I'm getting rid of my furniture. I've
Speaker 1: started sleeping on the floor the way I like to.
Speaker 1: I'm just putting boxes everywhere I can throw shit in,
Speaker 1: and it's just making my life better, just that kind
Speaker 1: of Oh, I don't need to try, and I don't
Speaker 1: need to try and beat myself up that I'm a
Speaker 1: bad person. I'm a terrible person because I can't keep
Speaker 1: my space tidy or like arranged to get nails done
Speaker 1: or like whatever of the stuff I used to confuse me.
Speaker 1: So that's one that's been a huge thing. The second
Speaker 1: one is I think it's just medical stuff. So I
Speaker 1: started taking that Mount Jarrow injection about uh actually about
Speaker 1: two months ago, and that's just been fantastic. I've never
Speaker 1: heard this phrase before. Food food noise. Have you heard this?
Speaker 2: I'm sorry what you started taking a what injection?
Speaker 1: So in the UK it's called Mount Jarro, but it's
Speaker 1: the weight loss injection.
Speaker 2: It's okay, So you're taking the UK version of ozepic.
Speaker 1: Yes, I think it might be a slightly different one
Speaker 1: to that, but yeah, that's that's sure. The thing it
Speaker 1: is because I've never heard this expression before, food noise.
Speaker 1: I've never heard anybody talk about food noise before, about this,
Speaker 1: this this psychology of food seeking, that there's a part
Speaker 1: of your brain that is that in certain people is
Speaker 1: always tracking, always tracking, you know, where is everything. I
Speaker 1: can get quite stressed when I've been around food or
Speaker 1: I'm always very aware of what people are eating or
Speaker 1: aware of what I'm eating, and other people thinking about
Speaker 1: what I'm eating, and that food no is just switched off.
Speaker 1: I didn't even weigh myself. I just have a good breakfast.
Speaker 1: I eat what I like, what I really want to eat,
Speaker 1: where I've always wanted to eat, you know, vegetables and fruit,
Speaker 1: but I always enjoyed those. But it's just taking the
Speaker 1: stress out of it. If anyone is struggling with your
Speaker 1: weight and you think I just don't understand why because
Speaker 1: I'm eating this stuff and I don't really want it.
Speaker 1: Have a go on this injection. It's mad.
Speaker 2: You know, this is interesting because you know, I relate
Speaker 2: a lot to lifelong adhd. I relate a lot to
Speaker 2: having a messy room, or relate a lot to a
Speaker 2: lot of these things. Yeah, the food awareness is a
Speaker 2: big one for me. Do you know about a fat
Speaker 2: guy pizza math where you're like looking around to see
Speaker 2: slices of pizza everyone else has eaten so that you
Speaker 2: can see if it's okay for you to get a
Speaker 2: third slice of pizza. Yea, And dude, this was there
Speaker 2: was so I used to I've talked about this on
Speaker 2: my podcast before, but I used to record out of
Speaker 2: an office in Los Angeles. And at this office they
Speaker 2: had like like this office was like I had tons
Speaker 2: of snacks, like it had a very fortified breakroom, and
Speaker 2: I was obsessed with this fucking breakroom, especially like you know,
Speaker 2: it was in the days. It was you know, I
Speaker 2: was very stressed out about a bunch of you know,
Speaker 2: gecko stuff and and and touring and and you know,
Speaker 2: I was on my computer stressed out all the time,
Speaker 2: and so I would just like after my after recording
Speaker 2: and and while like editing and stuff, I would just
Speaker 2: be like fucking pounding down this bowl of candy and
Speaker 2: then like some. And then sometimes I would see, you know,
Speaker 2: I was in this office with all these like you know,
Speaker 2: healthy los angele less people, and I would see someone
Speaker 2: like go up to the bowl and just eat one,
Speaker 2: just take one mini like one not even like the ministry,
Speaker 2: like the the real miniature skin, like the the ones
Speaker 2: that are like fully like a nice square mini Snickers.
Speaker 2: And I'd be like, how do you do that? How
Speaker 2: do normal people just like fucking not go on a
Speaker 2: crazy binge or like I like sharing food. Sharing food
Speaker 2: was always so crazy thing for me. I hated share.
Speaker 2: I like when you go to a restaurant and it's like, well,
Speaker 2: let's split this, and it's like, no, if we split this,
Speaker 2: now I have to do extra math, you know, And
Speaker 2: I don't want to be the guy that fucking takes
Speaker 2: fucking everything. But sometimes it's just it's a whole thing,
Speaker 2: you know. That's why I love. That's why I love.
Speaker 1: I've been the first date and I was just trying
Speaker 1: to like date people. I've given up all that now,
Speaker 1: but I've been a minion to date. So I've explained
Speaker 1: to people that I don't share food because you have
Speaker 1: to do the mask, and then I also have to
Speaker 1: be polite, so I will always have less than my
Speaker 1: allotted share, and I just don't want to do it anymore.
Speaker 1: I want my own so I can eat it. But
Speaker 1: you know that kind of that kind of behavior her,
Speaker 1: I think that is that injection has switched it off.
Speaker 1: It just switched it off. I could be that person
Speaker 1: in the boat room now. It's astonishing. It's just it's
Speaker 1: so mad, the amount of stress that food and thinking
Speaker 1: about food has put me under. I mean, I did
Speaker 1: a PhD and I did practice based PhD. And I
Speaker 1: was doing this big like art performance, you know whatever
Speaker 1: it was, blah blah blah. But I had to get feedback,
Speaker 1: you know, with a research project, and so I laid
Speaker 1: on like this fancy vegan cakes. It was all very
Speaker 1: nice and it was a lovely spread. But a lot
Speaker 1: of people came and they didn't eat they didn't eat
Speaker 1: the cakes, and I was trying to give a presentation
Speaker 1: and all I could think about was those fucking cakes
Speaker 1: at the back of the until one of my friends,
Speaker 1: I was spiraling in and she and she just ca
Speaker 1: and she said, you want me to get rid of them?
Speaker 1: So I just took them away and she put them
Speaker 1: in a car and I drove them away, and then
Speaker 1: I was fine. And I think that I just accepted
Speaker 1: that as me being like, I don't know, greedy, I don't.
Speaker 1: I don't think that is what it is, because it's
Speaker 1: an anxiety about it. It wasn't like, oh yeah I
Speaker 1: get to I don't know what I'm going.
Speaker 3: To do, you know, Oh my god, all these people.
Speaker 1: Are looking at me, and I wanted to eat the cake.
Speaker 1: So yeah, I fully advise anybody who is thinking about me.
Speaker 4: Oh.
Speaker 1: Also, my other thing is that I started taking sirtually.
Speaker 1: I took a hundred millig grands to certually and day.
Speaker 2: That's the craline is the uh generic for.
Speaker 3: Solar, So lost, that's it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, they're lost. And because I was I wasting every
Speaker 1: time I was falling asleep, I was ending up with
Speaker 1: a sort process that ended up me dying in a
Speaker 1: cart crash. It was very weird, and I recognize it
Speaker 1: is not my own thought. I was like, this isn't
Speaker 1: this isn't me. I don't know what's going on here?
Speaker 1: And that was it's like a depression thing. And so
Speaker 1: I took seventy five milligrams of Searchuren and it didn't stop,
Speaker 1: but it was less. And then I went on one
Speaker 1: hundred and it just stopped. And I just want to
Speaker 1: say to people who are listening, because I never heard
Speaker 1: anything about this the toy. I've never heard of the
Speaker 1: phrase food noise. I'd never really I've never really considered
Speaker 1: about this injection, which is, you know, paying for it myself.
Speaker 1: But it's okay, it's like one hundred and thirty pounds
Speaker 1: a month, and I would pay that to be healthy.
Speaker 1: I would pay that to have my cholesterol down without
Speaker 1: having to take a bloody statin you know whatever. But
Speaker 1: so yeah, just you know, take the things that people
Speaker 1: are offering. You keep your eye on stuff. Take the stuff.
Speaker 1: It does get better.
Speaker 2: So I want to know. I want to know more
Speaker 2: about your life. Okay, So so think So, I mean,
Speaker 2: you're fifty years old, and you do you is do
Speaker 2: you feel like do you feel the best you've ever
Speaker 2: felt in your life? Is that what you're getting at.
Speaker 1: I am considering going to see a therapist because I
Speaker 1: need to mourn the person that I could have been
Speaker 1: if all of this ship had been caught earlier. You know,
Speaker 1: I have to do that. You know, I'm single, I'm
Speaker 1: going to be single forever. I don't have to. I
Speaker 1: remember saying to a therapist years ago, I don't think
Speaker 1: I can have something because I'm SCAREDO and feed them properly,
Speaker 1: and he kind of looked at me like and I
Speaker 1: was like, no, but that's how I feel, because could
Speaker 1: I have sweets in the house. Children have to have sweets.
Speaker 1: I can't have sweets in the house. I eat all
Speaker 1: the sweets. You know, this is this is this is
Speaker 1: what this worries me in such a deep bone level
Speaker 1: that I would pass on some sort of inherited weirdness
Speaker 1: or I don't know. So yeah, I think I have
Speaker 1: to do that. But also I think part of the
Speaker 1: ADHD thing often is about we experienced time differently. To
Speaker 1: know atypical people in my dife and I'm super time blized,
Speaker 1: but also so looking back on our past issues is
Speaker 1: kind of different. I was reading about how madh people
Speaker 1: grieved differently because we.
Speaker 3: It was about people.
Speaker 1: You think about people in the time in the space
Speaker 1: we don't talk to them all the time. I'm really
Speaker 1: bad at messaging, but I love everyone. I just don't
Speaker 1: message it. So, yeah, that is a that is a
Speaker 1: that's looking back and going, oh, there's a bit of
Speaker 1: a dark cloud over all the things that I could
Speaker 1: have done. But then I look at the things I
Speaker 1: have done. Be like, no, I just I was striving.
Speaker 1: I worked hard. I did as much as I could.
Speaker 1: I went for working in a factory to go to
Speaker 1: Cambridge University to being doing a PhD. You know, I
Speaker 1: I worked hard and I did the things I could do.
Speaker 1: But God, I imagine if I had the ADHD medication,
Speaker 1: I'd be fucking eon motk what makes me? I would
Speaker 1: be you know, my powers. It's a really good things
Speaker 1: at the universe that this wasn't found out beforehand.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, I am I really, you know, I
Speaker 2: don't know if I caught your name? What's your name?
Speaker 1: Anna?
Speaker 2: Anna? You know Anna, I I relate to you on
Speaker 2: a lot of this stuff. I relate to you about
Speaker 2: the kids. Thing I get a little worried about, like oh,
Speaker 2: I have like anxiety and depression of all this crazy crap,
Speaker 2: And I'm like, oh, if I have a kid, are
Speaker 2: they gonna have it? Which is weird because my my mom,
Speaker 2: I think, has a little bit of anxiety, my dad
Speaker 2: has my dad is like crazy ADHD. But neither of
Speaker 2: my parents are like depressed or that. And maybe my
Speaker 2: mom's a little anxious. But it's like, you know, it's
Speaker 2: it's weird. I'm like, where did I where did all
Speaker 2: this stuff come from? I mean a lot of this
Speaker 2: stuff with me, I know where it comes from. But
Speaker 2: I relate to you, well, yeah, I really.
Speaker 1: Also, they don't forget they grew up without without the internet,
Speaker 1: and they grew up without social media, and I just
Speaker 1: I feel sorry for you.
Speaker 2: You know what. That is another thing. That is another
Speaker 2: thing where yes, I we our brains are. Our brains
Speaker 2: are unquestionably quite different than than our parents' brain grew
Speaker 2: up with. There's something else you said that I that
Speaker 2: I related to. Yeah, I relately. I you know, I
Speaker 2: relate a little bit to like wishing I had found
Speaker 2: medication a bit earlier. I think I'm still on a
Speaker 2: medication journey. I think I thought I was done and
Speaker 2: then I realized You're never done. But yeah, related to
Speaker 2: you on a lot of on a lot of that stuff.
Speaker 2: And yeah, the food, the food, noise, thing is is huge,
Speaker 2: and there's there's a lot of different things that I
Speaker 2: think are all related to, Yeah, are all related to
Speaker 2: like anxiety, HD and depression. And I don't I don't
Speaker 2: like those those three things, anxiety, ADHD and DEPRESSI I
Speaker 2: don't think there's that You don't want to like use
Speaker 2: them as like excuses for not living your life. But
Speaker 2: it's good you want to, but you want to identify
Speaker 2: them and fucking work through them so that you can
Speaker 2: live better life.
Speaker 1: You know, it's just a shame which diagnosed will not diagnosed.
Speaker 1: My room would still be messy. But now I laugh
Speaker 1: at it. I go, I've shown people on the video.
Speaker 1: I've shown people, you know, I've got a video chating
Speaker 1: going oh my god, you want to see my room?
Speaker 1: And they go, oh, oh my god, and they laugh,
Speaker 1: where before I was always convinced that they would be.
Speaker 1: You have that you're evil, you know, you're disgusting your
Speaker 1: and I'm just I'm not just got idea. Seeing I
Speaker 1: struggle keeping my rooms tidy, big deal. I genuinely feel
Speaker 1: that I gen't feel that, and that's been it's been
Speaker 1: such an eye opener. I've got the other thing as well,
Speaker 1: I like the skin picking, so I pick the skin
Speaker 1: picking is a or picking your face. I've always picked
Speaker 1: my toes and hide them and god, you know, wearing
Speaker 1: full shoes in summer and and wearing tights and stuff
Speaker 1: and just covering up and and now I'm I'm just
Speaker 1: waddling around with my monkey feet out. You know, if
Speaker 1: they like them, don't look at them.
Speaker 2: So what do you do all day? Anna? What's your
Speaker 2: life like?
Speaker 1: I'm struggling artists, Let's put it that way. I work
Speaker 1: on my own practice every day. I kind of arrange
Speaker 1: my life, so I do a lot of teaching around
Speaker 1: the outside of school hours. I do a lot of
Speaker 1: exam help and and I'm yeah, and I'm just struggling,
Speaker 1: struggling and struggling, still trying to Oh, I'll just tell you.
Speaker 1: I'm a right, I'm a writer. I don't know, I
Speaker 1: don't know where I am. And I am trying to work
Speaker 1: on I'm writing my like fifth novel now because I
Speaker 1: just can't get it right. But I do a lot
Speaker 1: of writing, teaching and some stuff published and blah blah
Speaker 1: blah shoot fiction. But I'm trying to move into long
Speaker 1: So that's what I do. I sit around, and I
Speaker 1: struggle in the day time. I dropped all social media,
Speaker 1: I block off the Internet, and I wander around. I
Speaker 1: feel very stressed, and I produce and then I hate it,
Speaker 1: and then I look at it again about a year
Speaker 1: later and go, oh my god, that's great. Why did
Speaker 1: I start doing it? The typical artistic cycle I have.
Speaker 2: I have a lot of questions for you based on
Speaker 2: what you said, but I just one thing real quick
Speaker 2: that I have to address. If you're not on social media,
Speaker 2: how did you discover that I exist?
Speaker 1: Whatify?
Speaker 3: Oh?
Speaker 1: Okay, because I'm very I'm very nosy, very nosy, but
Speaker 1: I spend a lot of time on my own. So
Speaker 1: I listen to a lot of podcasts where people bring
Speaker 1: up and tell the truth about their life.
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, this is a good podcast for.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: So you so you teach writing class or you do?
Speaker 2: You do you teach? Do you teach at a school
Speaker 2: or do you teach individually?
Speaker 1: Like?
Speaker 2: What does the setting on what you teach?
Speaker 1: I teach like adult evening classes. I've taught at universities,
Speaker 1: I've I do a lot of I do a lot
Speaker 1: of like grammar schools, like children who are going for
Speaker 1: what would you say public school, no private school. They
Speaker 1: have a specific exam for the eleven plus and so
Speaker 1: I do a lot of training because that's because they're
Speaker 1: creative writing aspect of it. But you know, teaching the
Speaker 1: children is great, I like, uh, you know, they're enthusiathers.
Speaker 1: But it's teaching adults that I really like. Mm hmmm,
Speaker 1: I finished, fabulous.
Speaker 2: I'm sorry, you just cut out. What did you just finish?
Speaker 1: I just finished one of the courses that I teach
Speaker 1: for adults, and I just said goodbye to them, and
Speaker 1: they're They're all brilliant, and they all improved hugely and
Speaker 1: I'm excited for them in the future.
Speaker 2: That's really awesome. That's really great. I am, yeah, I'm
Speaker 2: kind of what. You know. One thing I wonder about,
Speaker 2: like my life as I get older is that I
Speaker 2: feel like, as you get older, it becomes like, you know,
Speaker 2: I don't know, I'm tracking a bunch of things. I
Speaker 2: don't I don't know if this is an ADHD thing,
Speaker 2: But I consider myself, at least in my optimal circumstances,
Speaker 2: to be a strong extrovert, like I always I want
Speaker 2: to be around people. I want to feel socially connected
Speaker 2: at all times. I want to, you know, always be
Speaker 2: meeting new people. I want to always be having novel experiences.
Speaker 2: I want to feel surrounded by a community, and I
Speaker 2: want to be doing things that get me out of
Speaker 2: the house and around people and interacting with folks. It's
Speaker 2: it's part of the reason why I do this podcast
Speaker 2: and and tour and all these you know, make videos
Speaker 2: and do all these things. And it seems to me
Speaker 2: there's there's like that as you get older, it becomes
Speaker 2: harder and harder and harder to be in those situations.
Speaker 2: And yet I have to assume as yeah, go ahead,
Speaker 2: go ahead, I'll let you speak.
Speaker 1: So, do you know rejections.
Speaker 2: Rejections sensitivity dysphoria.
Speaker 1: It's a massive co or cove, like I know occurrence
Speaker 1: with ADHD. I have a huge.
Speaker 2: Oh Anna when we're there, way, sorry you cut out.
Speaker 1: Just now, Oh I walked towards the door. I'm going
Speaker 1: to say where I am. So people have r SD.
Speaker 1: That means that a neurotypical person, they experience a rejection
Speaker 1: and they process it normally at the kind of surface
Speaker 1: level of emotional processing like actual brain stuff neurosis. You
Speaker 1: can see this happening on an MRI is bullshit. And
Speaker 1: then someone with RSD they process it longer, and they
Speaker 1: process it in a sort of more in the sort
Speaker 1: of deeper networks. And what happens is those rejections they
Speaker 1: build up. Because I was like you, I was a
Speaker 1: gregarious when I was younger. I had loads of friends,
Speaker 1: I was embedded in huge social groups, went to the festivals,
Speaker 1: I did acting. You know, I used to do amateur dramatics.
Speaker 1: Can imagine do that there? And I went traveling for
Speaker 1: a year on my own. I was that confident in
Speaker 1: my social skills that I was like, yeah, I'm going
Speaker 1: to go away for a year just on my own,
Speaker 1: no internet, my view. I went away with a guide book.
Speaker 1: But because that's got I can pretty much remember every
Speaker 1: horrible thing anyone ever said to me, or any situation
Speaker 1: where I felt like someone's trying to put me down,
Speaker 1: or any time I've made a mistake, and you know,
Speaker 1: it keeps you off at night, and they would return
Speaker 1: and I would worry about them. And so that's why
Speaker 1: as I've got older, I've become I've moved into an
Speaker 1: introvert because I just I just don't have the emotional
Speaker 1: energy to go out It's like every time you interact
Speaker 1: with someone, they give you a paper cut. Okay, they
Speaker 1: just give you a paper cup somewhere on your body,
Speaker 1: and and you're a typical person, it just heals. But
Speaker 1: someone with our sc it bleeds, and you can only
Speaker 1: bleed so much before you die.
Speaker 2: By But Anna, I'm curious. So you said when you
Speaker 2: were my age, were social and running around and travel
Speaker 2: in the world and talk to people, do it all
Speaker 2: without the fucking internet. I mean that's also like, uh
Speaker 2: uh uh make it more compressive. So but I I
Speaker 2: and I have to know, like I mean, at that time,
Speaker 2: did you feel did you feel as though you had
Speaker 2: that rejection sensitivity?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 1: I just felt that people I just, how can I
Speaker 1: put it? I felt that I was I couldn't understand
Speaker 1: the mismatch between the good person that I consider myself
Speaker 1: to be and I strive to be in my actions
Speaker 1: and my thoughts and then you know what I'm trying
Speaker 1: to do in the world and all of that stuff.
Speaker 1: In the way I help people. I do help people,
Speaker 1: help random people all the time, and there's a mismatch
Speaker 1: that and sometimes the impression that people are feeding back
Speaker 1: to me m that they would react to me in
Speaker 1: a way that I was like, oh my god, I've
Speaker 1: just said something wrong, or I've just done something wrong,
Speaker 1: or I shouldn't eaten you know whatever that wasn't a joke,
Speaker 1: or they don't like me for reism, and that is
Speaker 1: what happens. And I realized now that there is an
Speaker 1: impulsivity in speech as well. So this is all the
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh my god, I can forgive myself or
Speaker 1: my weird trajectory because I'm impulsive in my speech. I
Speaker 1: can be great friends with someone and then I'll say
Speaker 1: something at the moment that comes out. I know it's wrong,
Speaker 1: and it's up to them. It's the depth of your
Speaker 1: relationship whether they can get past it and just be
Speaker 1: I feel, you know, sorry, forgive me, I didn't mean that.
Speaker 1: Or if you just met someone, then that's it. Isn't
Speaker 1: it game over?
Speaker 2: Well? I you know, I get yeah, I know exactly
Speaker 2: what you're saying. And I think I have a little
Speaker 2: bit of that impulsivity of speech myself at times, and
Speaker 2: I think there's something to be said about accepting yourself
Speaker 2: and your flaws and you know, being like, yeah, it's
Speaker 2: okay that I'm not going to be perfect one hundred
Speaker 2: percent of the time, you know, Yeah.
Speaker 1: But it's about about other people. So that's a rejection
Speaker 1: because you've got then that wound will stay with you
Speaker 1: and I just myself from that situation. I have thought
Speaker 1: about you and your ADHD and thought about you know,
Speaker 1: how you how you can trust yourself to speak to people.
Speaker 1: But then I realized that I do a hell of
Speaker 1: a lot of teaching online and one to one and
Speaker 1: I love it because you're in the moment. You don't
Speaker 1: need to plan anything. You can rely on yourself. But
Speaker 1: also you've got these barriers up. You know, you've got
Speaker 1: barriers up because you have you know, you don't want
Speaker 1: to upset anyone, and you're you're thinking carefully about what's having.
Speaker 1: You're enjoying yourself, but you're not going to go on
Speaker 1: some weird rants, you know. I'm sure you've got things
Speaker 1: that you could rant about. And I'm like that because
Speaker 1: I'm talking to students. So the impulse when it tries
Speaker 1: to get out of that frame is just shut down immediately.
Speaker 1: So really, I should just be one to one teaching
Speaker 1: all the time, and I'll be happy at ship because
Speaker 1: it really is my close stake.
Speaker 2: Yes, the flows. I mean, that's I think there is
Speaker 2: a lot of parallel to the experience that I'm having
Speaker 2: when i'm you know, like having this conversation with you
Speaker 2: or talking to people on the street or whatever, and
Speaker 2: the flow state that you probably feel when you're teaching
Speaker 2: people and when you're presenting and when you're doing your
Speaker 2: one ones. You know, you get into the flow state, right.
Speaker 2: You don't have to you don't have to plan things.
Speaker 2: You can just be in the moment. You can just
Speaker 2: fucking flow and get into the conversation.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 2: That's how I feel. That's how I feel when when
Speaker 2: it works, you know, when I'm when I'm at the
Speaker 2: best and things are going good. I have a question
Speaker 2: for you. I want to know this. You're a novelist.
Speaker 2: You've published five novels.
Speaker 1: Sorry, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm trying to
Speaker 1: write novels. I've published a little bits here and there,
Speaker 1: published short fiction, and now I'm trying to move into
Speaker 1: long form in a way that's satisfying to me. And
Speaker 1: so no, I am unpublished.
Speaker 2: But you've but you've, but you've you've You've written a
Speaker 2: lot of.
Speaker 1: Work, yeah, millions and millions, and.
Speaker 2: So how do you, as someone who I assume as
Speaker 2: a hard time sitting still, do a thing that is
Speaker 2: the most like I must sit still and attack a
Speaker 2: keyboard thing. What is your process of being a writer
Speaker 2: as somebody who I assume as a hard time sitting still.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's really hard. It's much harder now because I'm
Speaker 1: in the perimenopause, like this hormone of stateful menopause, and
Speaker 1: that makes your ADHD symptoms go crazy, and that's why
Speaker 1: I got diagnosed in the end. So I'm finding it
Speaker 1: much harder now than I used to do. And the
Speaker 1: thing is ADHD and women often present. It's like your
Speaker 1: hyperactivity isn't body, it's mind. So when I can sit
Speaker 1: down and write and think and think about what I'm
Speaker 1: writing and reflect and all of the stuff I'm trying
Speaker 1: to do, then that's satisfying the sort of racing thoughts
Speaker 1: for rushing minds. But a lot. I do have to
Speaker 1: say that I do procrastinate horribly, of course, and so
Speaker 1: targeted procrastination has always worked for me. When I was
Speaker 1: supposed to be writing with the PhD, I write a
Speaker 1: collection of short stories, you know. When I was supposed
Speaker 1: to be writing my dissertation, and I was writing fault
Speaker 1: fiction for money. You know, I'm always doing what I'm
Speaker 1: not supposed to be doing. I'm sure you will have
Speaker 1: that experience, right. I think that's why I'm struggling at
Speaker 1: the moment. I've got a clear path. I'm not. I
Speaker 1: don't I shouldn't be doing anything else. And now I'm
Speaker 1: finding it really hard.
Speaker 2: And what is your clear path?
Speaker 3: Now?
Speaker 1: I've got all this time to write, I've got Yeah,
Speaker 1: you know, I'm not supposed to be doing anything else.
Speaker 1: If I had to, if I had to do something
Speaker 1: else in that time, I would probably be the writing.
Speaker 2: Yes, I know you mean yeah, procrastinating on one thing
Speaker 2: by doing another thing. It's a classic yeah.
Speaker 1: When you can, when you can target.
Speaker 2: So well, I have to say, I mean, you started
Speaker 2: this phone call by talking about how things get better.
Speaker 2: You're feeling good about life. Tell me more about the
Speaker 2: things tell me more about the things you're loving about
Speaker 2: life lately.
Speaker 1: So you've been to London, haven't you? Did you make
Speaker 1: it onto Hamstead Heath?
Speaker 2: Say, I've been to London a few times with Hamster.
Speaker 1: Place, Hamstead, hamstiad Heath. It's like a big park in
Speaker 1: North London. It's all the film though, you know, if
Speaker 1: you see Hampsteady, it's it's just the whole of the fields.
Speaker 1: But they have a lady's ponds there. They have a
Speaker 1: swimming pond and they have sorry, they have mixed ladies
Speaker 1: and men's and then the ladies one is all just
Speaker 1: trees all around it. You go swimming, and I was
Speaker 1: swimming with ducklings, little baby ducklings about I don't know,
Speaker 1: not too far away from me. But then once you
Speaker 1: get at the pool, you go to this place called
Speaker 1: the meadow, and I think it's like a feel colony.
Speaker 1: I just imagine all these women and they just like
Speaker 1: seal if everyone's just lying down. No one's really talking
Speaker 1: to anyone. Everyone's reading because there's no signal, which is
Speaker 1: delightful for me to see, and everyone just takes their
Speaker 1: clothes off and goes to sleep. And I have the
Speaker 1: most amazing sweet just you know, topless in the sun
Speaker 1: in the middle of a park in London. And I
Speaker 1: would never have done that before, you know, body issues
Speaker 1: and just being like, oh, I can't go and I
Speaker 1: don't want to. I don't want to go swimming on
Speaker 1: my own in a pond it'll be weird, and I'm like, next,
Speaker 1: do it. It's pretty much your advice, doesn't it. Just
Speaker 1: go out and do things. And I loved it. It
Speaker 1: was it was a real highlight, a real highlights. I
Speaker 1: thought it was brilliant.
Speaker 2: That's great. What do you what do you have that?
Speaker 2: What do you have in your life lately that you're
Speaker 2: looking forward to?
Speaker 1: I go to a writing festival Thursday to Sunday this weekend,
Speaker 1: and I'm going to see some fronts too. I always
Speaker 1: this would be my third one. And the friends I
Speaker 1: met there and we go and hang out and to
Speaker 1: do writing and get very drunk and in karayote.
Speaker 2: Well, tell me what happens at a writing festival.
Speaker 1: So it is a flash fiction festival. So flash is
Speaker 1: a thousand words or fewer, and it's its own specific form.
Speaker 1: You know, you have to, you have to. It's got
Speaker 1: a lot, it's got a lot of his own considerations
Speaker 1: to get this whole thing, and that has its own conventions.
Speaker 1: So people run flash workshops. There are sort of flash readings.
Speaker 1: There's all there's a whole different set of panels or
Speaker 1: set of workshops you can go to and simple similar
Speaker 1: great And I haven't been to too many of them
Speaker 1: because I do. Because of the ADHD, I find it
Speaker 1: quite difficult to fit inside, especially if they're talking about
Speaker 1: something that I already know about. You know, it's an intention,
Speaker 1: it's an interest based nervous system, right, that's what they
Speaker 1: call it. And so it just switches off, and I
Speaker 1: find it difficult for fidget or you know, want to
Speaker 1: do something up. But everyone needs to love them, and
Speaker 1: then there's just a lot of talking and networking and
Speaker 1: and then just a whole bunch of karaoke leaving, which
Speaker 1: is amazing for a bunch of writers, you know, who
Speaker 1: tend to be quite introverted anyway, because when you're doing karaoke,
Speaker 1: I just for you know, you can't really talk to anyone.
Speaker 1: You can just go yeah, great song at them, you know,
Speaker 1: and mighty sick smiles. Right, everyone's singing along. But you
Speaker 1: can't get into those kind of tricky discussions where you're like,
Speaker 1: oh shit, I've had a few beers and now I've
Speaker 1: set something right, I'm going to say something. I'm going
Speaker 1: to wake up tomorrow morning and be like, oh.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I have active I have activities like that that
Speaker 2: I love, Like a lot of my hobbies. My hobbies
Speaker 2: are like things where you are around other people, but
Speaker 2: I meant whole I actually think, actually, I guess those
Speaker 2: are most hobbies. I was gonna say a lot of
Speaker 2: my hobbies are like things where you're around other You're
Speaker 2: around other people, but there's some activity to like kind
Speaker 2: of keep you engage so you don't have to talk
Speaker 2: if you don't want to. Although I guess that is
Speaker 2: genuine the most hobbies. Yeah, like you know, playing uh,
Speaker 2: Smash bros on Land or playing poker just ship where
Speaker 2: it's like you can you can just play the game,
Speaker 2: but if you want to talk, you can talk.
Speaker 1: You talked about Smash before, and I watched the documentary
Speaker 1: about it. You want hold on?
Speaker 2: Shut up? You watched the documentary. You watched the before
Speaker 2: you you watched you.
Speaker 1: Don't know when you talk about it. You talk about
Speaker 1: a lot that I need to know. I must one
Speaker 1: of the one are the kids doing today? I thought,
Speaker 1: so I really enjoyed it.
Speaker 2: Yes, that's the four hours you like with like with
Speaker 2: Ken and as In and you two king? Yeah, wow, you.
Speaker 1: Have a documentary nosy person, right, We've established person. So
Speaker 1: I like to watch documentaries, uh and find out about
Speaker 1: stuff you know about what is he talks about.
Speaker 2: I'm so happy that you want I'm so happy that
Speaker 2: I'm so happy that I got you to watch the
Speaker 2: four hour Smash Pros documentary on YouTube. By the way,
Speaker 2: those listening, please go watch. Go on go on YouTube.
Speaker 2: Go on YouTube. Go on YouTube and search the Smash
Speaker 2: Brothers documentary. And yeah, that's a it's a good way
Speaker 2: to spend four hours.
Speaker 3: Of your life, really enjoyable.
Speaker 2: And I want to know what was it like traveling
Speaker 2: around at twenty seven with no guidebook? I mean no,
Speaker 2: with no internet, with just a guide what was that.
Speaker 1: Experience we had that were internet? There were internet cafes
Speaker 1: were very expensive. So I send this one email to
Speaker 1: my mom. It was actually fine because you didn't know
Speaker 1: any different. Oh, this is this is just what you do.
Speaker 1: You know, you go on a proper adventure and actually
Speaker 1: are quite promoanient for you guys, because I went to
Speaker 1: see things that I've never I've never seen before. I'd
Speaker 1: read about them and had pictures in my mind of
Speaker 1: seeing you know, temples, and I've seen pictures and things,
Speaker 1: but you know, when they children, jimps and that. But
Speaker 1: but because you're so glassed with the images for just anything.
Speaker 1: It must be hard to be so thrilled about experiencing
Speaker 1: in real life. It's all being commodified by influencer culture
Speaker 1: and things like that. You know, I'm sure you couldn't
Speaker 1: go to when I go, I really enjoyed Ankle what
Speaker 1: you know, Ankle what in lous It's like you know,
Speaker 1: if you saw it, It's the weird broken temples. There's
Speaker 1: all huge tree routes coming out of it, very magical,
Speaker 1: and I had a great time there, just hanging around
Speaker 1: from the taking from the sun is up and everyone
Speaker 1: is just chilling. And I imagine now it's just millions
Speaker 1: and millions of people with tripods and other people taking
Speaker 1: photos of them and just yeah, being very kind of
Speaker 1: ruined for everyone. Yeah, but it was fine. I tended
Speaker 1: up in Thailand because I've been working. I didn't really
Speaker 1: know what to do with myself. I felt like, well,
Speaker 1: what do I do? It can't just sit on a
Speaker 1: beach all day. Don't worry that's being changed. So I
Speaker 1: went to work in a school. I volunteered to work
Speaker 1: in a school, bearing in mind at the time I
Speaker 1: didn't have any teaching qualifications. I didn't have a degree
Speaker 1: I was working in a factory in Gid fixing robots
Speaker 1: and I I but because I was British and because
Speaker 1: I was female, they were just like, yeah, you go
Speaker 1: in because like no, no, we need we need people
Speaker 1: who speak for their British accent because I think that
Speaker 1: all the volunteers they got worse I know, German or
Speaker 1: Dutch or something, which is which is fine because I
Speaker 1: can obviously understand that, but their Thai children were struggling
Speaker 1: a bit the kind I mean.
Speaker 2: The British accent is so I I uh, no offense
Speaker 2: to the woman listeners, but the British accent is easily
Speaker 2: much more listened to able than the German accent.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Well, also the accent of the language that they
Speaker 1: are learning to speak, so they especially for people with
Speaker 1: a tonal language, which I struggled with. So yeah, I
Speaker 1: turned up. I did some work and stayed in a
Speaker 1: house with the Thai teacher and had all these kids
Speaker 1: following me around because it was so weird because I
Speaker 1: had more than one coffee a day, they alwaysed to
Speaker 1: follow me around. The women as well, would be like
Speaker 1: how many coffees have you had? How many coffees you had?
Speaker 1: I've had I've had two and I go, oh, two
Speaker 1: coffees and I had to smoke because I'm a smoker.
Speaker 1: I had to go right into the brush, well away
Speaker 1: from everyone because if people saw me smoking, it would
Speaker 1: you know, it would be it would be like being
Speaker 1: found out to be a prostitute of women.
Speaker 2: Do you still are you still a smoker.
Speaker 1: With a smoker and I'm recently a bit of a
Speaker 1: your friend, she said, I think owner.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, I was going to ask, well, yeah, how
Speaker 2: is how is the weed in London? It's it's super
Speaker 2: illegal in London?
Speaker 1: Still right, Well it isn't it isn't because I don't
Speaker 1: know how much I should do, so I just I
Speaker 1: just get it through the post.
Speaker 2: I see.
Speaker 1: The days has gone long gone, in the days when
Speaker 1: I would get into random cars with you know, Russian gangsters,
Speaker 1: which I have done in the past by all sorts
Speaker 1: of you know, had a bit of a pill edge
Speaker 1: in the nineties. So all of that stuff went on,
Speaker 1: but I couldn't do it now, you know, I'm in
Speaker 1: an age lady. Now I'm too aware of things that
Speaker 1: can go wrong. So yeah, just comes to the post
Speaker 1: order on the internet. Not with that work with that
Speaker 1: work on the clear web was my credit card.
Speaker 2: Do you do you like to do you do you
Speaker 2: write when you're stoned or do you typically like to
Speaker 2: just chill out?
Speaker 1: I like to watch television because I can actually watch
Speaker 1: it rather than the little squirrel of my attention suddenly
Speaker 1: going oh is that at or I need to go
Speaker 1: and do something very quickly. Yeah, it slows down. It
Speaker 1: definitely slows down. The sort of the part of my
Speaker 1: mind is always scanning the environments, scan and so I
Speaker 1: can enjoy stories a bit more instead of always trying
Speaker 1: to figure out what's going to happen next, or Okay,
Speaker 1: this has happened, so this is going to happen I
Speaker 1: can just appreciate the art of it more.
Speaker 2: It's interesting. I feel like, Yeah, when I smoke weed,
Speaker 2: I get to I'm like weed. I think increases my ADHD.
Speaker 2: It makes me more scanny and HyperWare and anxious, depending
Speaker 2: on it's a roll of the dice. It's more of a.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I've got some on the strain because I have
Speaker 1: liked uh heavy one that is really good. Spread time
Speaker 1: just makes you go to sleep. And then I thought
Speaker 1: I'd give the other side of the spectrum a go
Speaker 1: to what I mean. I don't know if it's joy,
Speaker 1: I don't know nothing. So the other one, who what's
Speaker 1: the other one? Indica? Someone told me, you remember Indico
Speaker 1: in the couch, That's how you remember the difference. So
Speaker 1: the other one is sativa. So I got a high
Speaker 1: sativa one and yeah, that one, that one, you know.
Speaker 1: I went out for a walk.
Speaker 2: It was great, so Anna, mhmm hmmm. I'm trying to think.
Speaker 2: I there's anything else I wanna I want to ask you.
Speaker 2: It's been really nice. Uh, it's been really nice talking
Speaker 2: to you. Uh, this was this was this was great.
Speaker 2: Very I'm very inspired by your life story. I'm very
Speaker 2: inspired to hear that you're continuing to enjoy yourself and
Speaker 2: living life and going to do cool ship and bathing
Speaker 2: with ducks. Uh, it's cool again. Yeah, like I said,
Speaker 2: like I said at the beginning of this, I'm I'm
Speaker 2: I'm anxious all the time, and then sometimes I see
Speaker 2: someone who is like a little bit older than me
Speaker 2: and they actually seem to be pretty calm and enjoying life,
Speaker 2: and it's it's inspiring and good. And I think that
Speaker 2: you're probably inspiring to other people listening to the show.
Speaker 1: You know it gets wonderful. Yeah, I should just say that.
Speaker 1: If I could say anything to myself when I was younger,
Speaker 1: it would be try and think of yourself like you
Speaker 1: haven't got me skin like all your nurser exposed, because
Speaker 1: that's how the difference it feels like, Well now it
Speaker 1: feels like I'm wearing a wetsuit. You know, nothing can
Speaker 1: really hurt me or Asian accepted. But yeah, it's horrible
Speaker 1: when you're younger, but you know, keep on trucking. You'll
Speaker 1: get there.
Speaker 2: Hey, thank you. Anna, have a good rest of your day.
Speaker 2: And if I come to London, if I come to
Speaker 2: London to do a show, I'll let you know.
Speaker 1: Oh I'm definitely going to come. Well sally happen, but
Speaker 1: it's not there, so yeah, I'll be there.
Speaker 2: Take care. Anna think of a call. That was a
Speaker 2: great call. I really liked that, trying to think if
Speaker 2: I have post call thoughts. Do I have any post
Speaker 2: call thoughts? Yeah, like I said, you know, like I said,
Speaker 2: I I know I talk on here a lot about
Speaker 2: having existential crisises. And I had a good month where
Speaker 2: I thought it was all gone and then it kind
Speaker 2: of seeped back in a little bit. And you know,
Speaker 2: every once in a while, I meet someone or talk
Speaker 2: to someone, or I have some experience that makes me
Speaker 2: feel like, you know, there there is more life to
Speaker 2: be lived in the future. Should should one be brave
Speaker 2: enough or cognizant enough to take it? And I felt
Speaker 2: like that conversation with Anna was another one of those experiences.
Speaker 2: So thank you for calling.
Speaker 3: Hello, Marcus. What's going on, man, I'm hanging out. I
Speaker 3: wasn't expecting to get a call back.
Speaker 2: What did you want to talk about today, sir?
Speaker 3: Uh? I wanted to talk about dodgeball.
Speaker 2: Oh, tell me more.
Speaker 3: Uh, what do you know about dodgeball?
Speaker 2: What do I know about dodgeball? I used to play
Speaker 2: dodgeball at summer camp. I Uh, let's do I fucking
Speaker 2: know about dodgeball?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 2: I used to play a summer camp. I know there's
Speaker 2: a movie about it. Those are the main things I
Speaker 2: know about dodgeball.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I see. I feel like that that is the
Speaker 3: main thing. Like whenever people bring up or whenever I
Speaker 3: bring up dodgeball and conversations, people are always like, oh, yeah,
Speaker 3: I remember playing that, you know, in middle school or whatever.
Speaker 3: I picked up dodgeball about three years ago. Well, first,
Speaker 3: I'll say that like in the movie Dodgeball, they act
Speaker 3: as if there's like this international like you know, uh
Speaker 3: circuit of tournaments that you know, people gather around and
Speaker 3: and and that that people play in and so like
Speaker 3: that sounds really cartoonish and crazy, and I recently learned
Speaker 3: that's not terribly far from the truth. Uh So I
Speaker 3: play competitive dodgeball currently. Me and some friends got together
Speaker 3: a couple of years ago and we were just looking
Speaker 3: for something to do, like get out there and like
Speaker 3: meet people, like pick an activity, and uh, the city
Speaker 3: I live in, they have like a one of those
Speaker 3: like you know, adult sports like organizations, so you sign
Speaker 3: up whatever, played go ball, play flag football, do whatever.
Speaker 3: And we wanted to get together and like pick a sport,
Speaker 3: but we didn't want to pick anything that you know
Speaker 3: that you know, we're going to be playing against fucking
Speaker 3: d one athletes and stuff. So we picked dodgeball kind
Speaker 3: of as a as a joke. And that was like
Speaker 3: three years ago, and in the time since then, we've
Speaker 3: just met a bunch of people and traveled a bunch
Speaker 3: of places and learned like there is a team USA dodgeball,
Speaker 3: and there is like a world tournament and there is
Speaker 3: all this stuff and yeah, it's kind of my favorite
Speaker 3: thing that I do right now.
Speaker 2: Ooh, so how did how did one? How do you
Speaker 2: discover the dodgeball scene? Like what did you what did
Speaker 2: you google?
Speaker 3: What did you do?
Speaker 1: Well?
Speaker 3: So like that there's this adult like sports organization you
Speaker 3: can sign up, you know, pay some money for you know,
Speaker 3: and they run like six week leagues and they have
Speaker 3: everything like pickleball, fucking cornhole, chess, bowling, whatever. And so
Speaker 3: we looked and we saw something that was like dodgeball
Speaker 3: inside of a brewery and we were like that sounds
Speaker 3: hilarious and fun, like fuck it, Yeah, well I'll have
Speaker 3: balls thrown at me and drink beer. Like, let's do that,
Speaker 3: and so we started doing that. It was a riot.
Speaker 3: So we signed up for another like two or three seasons,
Speaker 3: and we started meeting some of the like I guess
Speaker 3: some of the hard oh's that have been doing it
Speaker 3: for like years, and they were like, oh, yeah, this
Speaker 3: is just where we go to like blow off steam
Speaker 3: like regularly in normal circumstances. We play like way more
Speaker 3: competitive dodgeball, and we're like, what do you mean competitive dodgeball?
Speaker 3: So we catch some invites to you know, a kind
Speaker 3: of a more competitive league, still in the same group,
Speaker 3: but just like a different Oh, show up on Wednesdays,
Speaker 3: and it's way more competitive, and people are like more athletic,
Speaker 3: and we start meeting up doing like, you know, pick
Speaker 3: up dodgeball on the weekends and stuff, which is way cheaper.
Speaker 3: And yeah, like those orgs, those people end up like
Speaker 3: creating organizations to host dodgeball tournaments dodgeball leagues, and there
Speaker 3: are like a bunch of regional tournaments all over the country.
Speaker 3: It's really popular in most major cities apparently. So I
Speaker 3: was just in uh, there was just two huge tournaments.
Speaker 3: I live in Boston. There's the two huge tournaments here
Speaker 3: in Boston this past weekend. I was in Philly a
Speaker 3: couple of weeks ago for like a big East Coast
Speaker 3: tournament called the Beast Coast Tournament. And yeah, man, some
Speaker 3: of these people they go crazy, Like I feel like
Speaker 3: I'm a pretty normal guy, Like I don't play a
Speaker 3: lot of I never played a lot of throwing sports
Speaker 3: growing up. I guess I've played some soccer like everybody
Speaker 3: else did, you know, And so now I'm meeting people
Speaker 3: like the whole point that we chose dodgeball to play
Speaker 3: in the first place, is because like, there wouldn't be
Speaker 3: any hardcore athletes there. And now all of a sudden,
Speaker 3: I've met all the hardcore athletes, and people just go
Speaker 3: fucking nuts like it's it's crazy. There are some animals.
Speaker 3: It's a lot of fun.
Speaker 1: Man.
Speaker 3: Honestly, I highly recommend it.
Speaker 2: It's really funny to me that you picked dodgeball because
Speaker 2: you were like, oh, we want to do the least
Speaker 2: intense one, whereas feel like dodgeball is lends itself to
Speaker 2: the most try hards typically, Like I remember that in
Speaker 2: summer camp even there would be dodgeball tryhards.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you know, I mean, you've got a point.
Speaker 4: I mean, I guess it was just one of those
Speaker 4: things that I didn't expect, you know, yet, all the
Speaker 4: dodgeball try hards when you're in summer camp, they're like
Speaker 4: the kids that play baseball, you know what I mean,
Speaker 4: They're the kids that play football.
Speaker 3: Those aren't those kids don't continue to play dodgeball, you
Speaker 3: know what I mean. So I guess we just figured
Speaker 3: it would be like fun and stupid, and we'd be
Speaker 3: like frolicking around and drinking beer and that is not
Speaker 3: what it turned out to be.
Speaker 2: I guess, so have you, over the course of time
Speaker 2: become the try hard.
Speaker 3: I regrettably Maybe not regrettably, but yeah, if I'm honest, Yeah,
Speaker 3: I mean like I played two three times a week
Speaker 3: on a good week. I started like putting in work
Speaker 3: and like getting in better shape, like my cardio's way up.
Speaker 3: I can actually throw a ball now. The only thing
Speaker 3: I was ever good at when I started dodgeball was
Speaker 3: the dodging part. I couldn't throw for shit, I couldn't
Speaker 3: catch for shit. And now it's like I've been playing
Speaker 3: for three years, like weekly at least. And yeah, I
Speaker 3: mean like I'm kind of I mean, I'm not even
Speaker 3: close to some of the best dues in my community,
Speaker 3: but I hold my own, which is nice, and I
Speaker 3: have a fucking blast doing it. It's the best, man, Honestly,
Speaker 3: we have a fucking blast.
Speaker 2: That's awesome. I'm how old are you?
Speaker 3: I'm twenty eight.
Speaker 2: What's the age demographic generally of the dodgeball league.
Speaker 3: I would say, like entry, I think the leagues start
Speaker 3: at twenty one plus, but like, I don't think I've
Speaker 3: met anybody under twenty five, Like I want to say,
Speaker 3: maybe there's like some twenty three year olds. I think
Speaker 3: there's one kid who's nasty and he's like twenty three
Speaker 3: or twenty four in my league, But everybody's actually surprisingly
Speaker 3: like over twenty five, and a fair amount of people
Speaker 3: are actually over thirty, which I think is pretty interesting.
Speaker 3: Like a lot of these people that I play with
Speaker 3: are like the old heads. So like we were going
Speaker 3: to like really big tournaments now and I'm standing there
Speaker 3: next to this dude who's like forty, and he's like, man,
Speaker 3: I remember when this used to be in a sky
Speaker 3: zone and we're loly sick. Man. That's that's great. Hasn't
Speaker 3: the sport grown?
Speaker 1: You know?
Speaker 2: Have you gotten any serious injuries from playing dodgeball at all?
Speaker 3: I haven't, actually, you know, I took a pretty bad
Speaker 3: tumble recently, so like, for the most part, no, I
Speaker 3: know guys who I know. One dude, I just saw
Speaker 3: him this weekend at a tournament. He's not playing anymore.
Speaker 3: He's like in his forties, I think, because he basically,
Speaker 3: over the course of ten years of playing dodgeball just
Speaker 3: like ripped his rotator cuff to shreds, just absolutely just
Speaker 3: blew it apart and kept playing on it and like
Speaker 3: can't really play anymore. So he shows up to the
Speaker 3: events just to I guess to support hang out, but yeah,
Speaker 3: we don't see him fucking anywhere anymore. I was like
Speaker 3: dealing with some knee issues for a little while, mostly
Speaker 3: because like other playing dodgeball, which is a lot of
Speaker 3: like sprinting and like jumping and diving. I don't do
Speaker 3: a lot of other exercise, so it was a lot
Speaker 3: of like I wasn't doing a lot of strengthening. I
Speaker 3: was just fucking beating my body down. So a couple
Speaker 3: of weeks ago, I kind of like jumped in the
Speaker 3: air to like jump over a ball and then like
Speaker 3: didn't get my feet back under me with enough time,
Speaker 3: so I just like fucking slammed on the ground really
Speaker 3: hard on my knees, like from four or five feet
Speaker 3: in the air, and that shit hurt. That hurt like
Speaker 3: a motherfucker, I like so much so that like, I like,
Speaker 3: I don't think, I don't know if I tore anything.
Speaker 3: I've got an appointment in a month to like get
Speaker 3: it looked at. I guess I'm good now. I can
Speaker 3: walk around like I'm fine. But it was so bruised
Speaker 3: that like crawling into bed. I couldn't crawl into bed
Speaker 3: like just putting my weight on the cushy like you know,
Speaker 3: mattress topper like a lot. So that was really scary.
Speaker 3: I thought that I thought that I had done it.
Speaker 3: I thought that I had like done the I had
Speaker 3: I had done the event. That like fucked me up forever.
Speaker 3: But we're good. Now, we're good. I got I got
Speaker 3: another tournament next weekend and we're we're just running it.
Speaker 2: What is your life like outside of Dodgeball?
Speaker 3: I am uh, I'm an engineer. I designed stuff, and
Speaker 3: I mean that's you know, I sit at a desk
Speaker 3: a lot. But aside from that, I also I make
Speaker 3: need and I uh play Dungeons and Dragons. I feel
Speaker 3: like any one of those. I feel like it's a
Speaker 3: lot of the ship that just got really popular on
Speaker 3: the internet recently. I have given it a try, and
Speaker 3: so I got really into D and D. I still
Speaker 3: I've got like a three year long running tournament campaign
Speaker 3: which has been great. And I homebrew and that's a blast.
Speaker 3: I'm I'm making needs right now. I got some needs
Speaker 3: in my basement that are brewing. I'm going to Maine
Speaker 3: this weekend to go pick some berries and so that
Speaker 3: I can do some brewing.
Speaker 2: I think you got a nice life, man, You've got
Speaker 2: a nice life. You're very You're one of the more
Speaker 2: quaint twenty seven year old men that I know.
Speaker 3: I mean, yeah, yeah, I mean, you know, you gotta
Speaker 3: you gotta do something. I spent most of my I
Speaker 3: spent the first like three years out of college just
Speaker 3: like surviving, you know, just just doing just trying to
Speaker 3: be And that was I don't know, like I was alive,
Speaker 3: but I didn't. I wasn't feeling good, you know. I was,
Speaker 3: you know, depressed and and tired all the time. And
Speaker 3: you just gotta you gotta start somewhere, I guess. And
Speaker 3: so I don't remember. I think I started doing D
Speaker 3: and D first, and that just kind of like got
Speaker 3: me connected with friends again.
Speaker 1: And then.
Speaker 3: I moved in with some buddies from college, and one
Speaker 3: of my buddies like, he's not somebody who can sit still,
Speaker 3: and so he was just like trying to do as
Speaker 3: many things as possible, and so we started signing up
Speaker 3: for shit together. So I kind of credit him with
Speaker 3: a lot with you know, getting me out of the house.
Speaker 3: And now here I am three four years later, and
Speaker 3: I have like a lot of hobbies and a lot
Speaker 3: of shit to do, and I'm traveling a bunch. It's nice.
Speaker 3: I'm pretty I'm pretty pleased. I can't lie to you.
Speaker 1: Man.
Speaker 2: I love it. I love it, I love I love
Speaker 2: doing things. I think doing things is good. I think that. Yeah,
Speaker 2: I mean, these days, it's like you need to have
Speaker 2: something that gets you out of the house and around people.
Speaker 2: So I'm glad to hear that this, that dodgeball has
Speaker 2: been the thing that works out for you. I'm glad
Speaker 2: that you haven't broken your fucking nose or anything like that.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: No, what's your name again? Man, My name is Marcos Marcus.
Speaker 2: Is there anything else you want to say to the
Speaker 2: people of the computer before we go?
Speaker 3: Uh no, Just just fucking get out there. Do anything,
Speaker 3: do something, Just do something. Don't sit at home. Yeah,
Speaker 3: I like, don't sit at home and stare at your reflection.
Speaker 2: Take care of Marcus.
Speaker 3: Thank yeah you too.
Speaker 2: Hey, folks, it's Lyle. I've decided I'm going to end
Speaker 2: this episode by doing some viewer male emails. So so
Speaker 2: this is going to be the gek male portion of
Speaker 2: this podcast. I'm gonna read a few viewer mails and
Speaker 2: then I'm gonna leave, and then the podcast will be over,
Speaker 2: and then you can either listen to another one or
Speaker 2: go do something else with your life. Although I think
Speaker 2: people who listen to podcasts are usually doing something while
Speaker 2: they're listening to the podcast, so you can, I guess,
Speaker 2: keep doing what you are doing, or do something else. Okay,
Speaker 2: I'm gonna read these emails. Let's do all right. This
Speaker 2: is the GEK male section of this episode. I might
Speaker 2: start doing this more often, combining phone calls and GEK males,
Speaker 2: so let's start with this one. This is from mx rat,
Speaker 2: subject line Saudi Dating and American. Hi, Lyle, I hope
Speaker 2: you're having a good day and that this email makes
Speaker 2: it on one of your GEK Male episodes. I am
Speaker 2: twenty seven female from Saudi Arabia and dating a twenty
Speaker 2: seven female from the United States. She introduced me to
Speaker 2: your show and actually attended one of your live shows
Speaker 2: in Los Angeles.
Speaker 3: Fuck you.
Speaker 2: As you can tell from the info above, we are gay.
Speaker 2: The community in Saudi is not accepting of queerness, so
Speaker 2: I'm pretty closeted. Only a handful of people from my
Speaker 2: country know that I'm gay, which explains the long distance
Speaker 2: relationship interesting. I'm seeing a surge in the number of
Speaker 2: gay couples that are starting to emerge with the younger
Speaker 2: generations in Saudi, and it secretly makes me happy because
Speaker 2: I never got to explore relationships or my sexuality before
Speaker 2: the age of twenty two to twenty three. I feel
Speaker 2: like I'm missing out on life and many experiences, not
Speaker 2: just being closeted, but also having really strict parents that
Speaker 2: still treat me like a teenager. I don't really know
Speaker 2: what the point of this email is. I guess I'm
Speaker 2: just venting. Thank you for everything that you do. I
Speaker 2: play your podcast while I'm cleaning or doing anything. Really,
Speaker 2: your perspective on things always comes off as mature and thoughtful.
Speaker 2: Thanks MX. That makes hap that that that it comes
Speaker 2: off that that is good. Thank you do I have
Speaker 2: thoughts on this, man, you know, I was talking about
Speaker 2: this a little I was thinking about this a little bit.
Speaker 2: We talk a lot of shit about America, and one
Speaker 2: hundred percent of the ship we talk about America is warranted.
Speaker 2: But sometimes you do go to other places and you're like,
Speaker 2: damn ship. We do have a lot of things in
Speaker 2: America that we kind of take for granted America. I'm perfect.
Speaker 2: America's got a lot of fucking problems, undeniably so, but
Speaker 2: it is nice that we I think, I think. I
Speaker 2: I've only really traveled around the English speaking countries and like,
Speaker 2: you know, I've been to Thailand in Japan, but you know,
Speaker 2: places in Europe and stuff. But it does feel like
Speaker 2: individuality and like self exp Russian is you know, an
Speaker 2: American thing, and that always that gets reinforced to me
Speaker 2: when I read emails like this, I'm bummed out for
Speaker 2: this person. I don't really know. I don't know if
Speaker 2: I have any Well, I can ponder, I can ponder
Speaker 2: with her. I mean, it's hard, right, It's well, okay,
Speaker 2: she said, I'm seeing a surge in the number of
Speaker 2: gay couples that are starting to emerge within the younger
Speaker 2: generation in Saudi So what's up with that?
Speaker 1: Like?
Speaker 2: Are there like are are people in Saudi Arabia? Like
Speaker 2: are there gay couples that are like walking down the
Speaker 2: street holding hands and stuff? Like when you say you're
Speaker 2: seeing a surge in the number of gay couples, like,
Speaker 2: where are you seeing it? Is there a community somewhere
Speaker 2: in Saudi Arabia that you could be a part of
Speaker 2: that is that dangerous. I don't know. I don't really
Speaker 2: know anything about Saudi Arabia. I'd like to go there
Speaker 2: someday so I can know things about it, but I
Speaker 2: don't know. I think, I mean, it sucks having parents
Speaker 2: that don't accept you for who you are. That's just
Speaker 2: a bummer that it's it's it's hard because you can't
Speaker 2: really fucking change your parents and you can't really like, uh,
Speaker 2: you know, I was gonna say, I was gonna say,
Speaker 2: you can't really change society, but you kind of can,
Speaker 2: but it's hard. You could move, you could come to America,
Speaker 2: but I know that that's hard.
Speaker 1: Two.
Speaker 2: So yeah, I don't know. Try to, I guess, try
Speaker 2: to find the community in Saudi Like if you're seeing
Speaker 2: other gay couples, are there other people you can make
Speaker 2: friends with that at least you can commiserate with? Okay?
Speaker 1: This is uh.
Speaker 2: From oh, this is from Terry subject line I feel
Speaker 2: shame after masturbating. Hey, Lyle, if you're somehow seeing this,
Speaker 2: I just want to say I love your show and
Speaker 2: appreciate what you do. Thank you. I feel a little
Speaker 2: weird writing this, but I'm not sure who else to
Speaker 2: talk to. So I am here. I am a man,
Speaker 2: and I masturbate, usually once a week, sometimes more. The
Speaker 2: issue is I often feel a lot of shame afterwards.
Speaker 2: What once a week, once a week, Terry, once a week,
Speaker 2: once a week, Dear Lord Terry. I don't watch porn.
Speaker 2: I sometimes listen to audio porn. I'm not religious right now,
Speaker 2: and I'm currently single, So I think the guilt comes
Speaker 2: from feeling like I'm failing as a man, like I'm
Speaker 2: giving into temptation and losing control. In other words, it's
Speaker 2: a weak thing to do. I often myself by avoiding
Speaker 2: things I enjoy for a couple of days. After that
Speaker 2: being said, I do enjoy it while I'm doing it.
Speaker 2: I want to be the best version of myself, and
Speaker 2: I'm worried that choking the sausage may stop me from
Speaker 2: doing that or be hurting my energy. Slash vibe, do
Speaker 2: you have any advice for dealing with this kind of
Speaker 2: shame or do you think it is limiting me as
Speaker 2: a person? Is it a weak thing to do? And
Speaker 2: should I stop? Thanks for reading, Ghek, and I hope
Speaker 2: this isn't super weird. Terry. The only weird thing about
Speaker 2: this is that you miss read once a week, you
Speaker 2: masturbate once a week, and you feel shameful about it.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, man, I don't even know how many
Speaker 2: times a day I'm masturbate. I don't know why I'm
Speaker 2: publicly saying that on the internet, but whatever, it's This
Speaker 2: is what happens when you have a podcast. You just
Speaker 2: say stuff. Um No, you don't have to feel shame, Terry.
Speaker 2: You're you're here's the thing. You have biological imperatives. You
Speaker 2: have a biological drive for sexual gratification, and achieving that
Speaker 2: through masturbation once a week is completely fine. And you
Speaker 2: know what, it would be fine if you did it
Speaker 2: twice a day. More than twice a day, you're getting
Speaker 2: a little it's getting a little crazy. More than twice
Speaker 2: a day, you might have a problem. But no, I
Speaker 2: don't think you should be punishing yourself or living with shame.
Speaker 2: I mean, because here's the well, here's the thing, Terry,
Speaker 2: here's actually the most Let me let me actually wrangle
Speaker 2: my thoughts around this. My actual thoughts around this are, like,
Speaker 2: what do you want to do with your life? Terry?
Speaker 2: Like who do you want to be what do you
Speaker 2: want to do, and like, is masturbating actually getting in
Speaker 2: like preventing you from doing it? For example, like whatever
Speaker 2: if you want to like go to the gym more often.
Speaker 2: I don't think that masturbating once a week is going
Speaker 2: is preventing you from doing that. I mean, if you're
Speaker 2: masturbating ten times a day and because of that you're
Speaker 2: not like going out and talking to people or working
Speaker 2: on the things you want to work on, or hitting
Speaker 2: your goals anyway, then then then I would say that
Speaker 2: would be when it is a problem. But once a
Speaker 2: week is not enough for it to tangentially affect. I
Speaker 2: don't believe any of your your goals. So you know,
Speaker 2: you got at least you can do this. You have
Speaker 2: You've got at least thirteen more sessions a week that
Speaker 2: you can do before you you start to descend. Terry. Okay,
Speaker 2: let's see here. This is from Uri subject line thank
Speaker 2: you gek, hello Geko man, my name is Yuri. And
Speaker 2: they gave their last name and then they said, yeah,
Speaker 2: I like the call of duty guy. Okay, that probably
Speaker 2: gave it away. But uh, I've always struggled with socializing,
Speaker 2: and I've always been super awkward when trying to meet
Speaker 2: people and keep a conversation going. But after listening to
Speaker 2: you for a few years, I've learned how to ask
Speaker 2: follow up questions, even if it's over extremely mundane shit.
Speaker 2: Hell Ya, you've had a lot of awkward phone calls,
Speaker 2: and I honestly have no idea how you've managed to
Speaker 2: breeze through them like nothing. You know what, Uri, I'm
Speaker 2: thank you so much for saying that, because I have
Speaker 2: had a lot of not just awkward phone calls on
Speaker 2: this podcast, but imagine this, lots of awkward interactions and
Speaker 2: conversations in my real life over the course of twenty
Speaker 2: seven years. How do I breeze through them? It's gotten easier. Honestly.
Speaker 2: This morning I had an awkward conversation with someone and
Speaker 2: I felt bad about it for at least an hour afterwards.
Speaker 2: But that was about two hours ago, and now I'm fine.
Speaker 3: I don't know.
Speaker 2: I think it's something about living in the present. I
Speaker 2: don't really I don't really live in the past. I
Speaker 2: try not to live in the past as much as
Speaker 2: I can, and I don't know a weird or awkward
Speaker 2: interaction I've learned how to easily discard it. You let yourself.
Speaker 2: You here's what I think this happened. This doesn't. This
Speaker 2: is something that you cultivate where you have an experience
Speaker 2: that you feel awkward or shameful about, and then you
Speaker 2: you bask in the awkwardness and the shame and the
Speaker 2: anxiety of it for because you got to do that.
Speaker 2: You got to bask. You got to bass and the
Speaker 2: shame and the anxiety and the awkwardness because it's it's
Speaker 2: just inherent to the experience. But once you finish basking,
Speaker 2: you move on. Don't bask for too long. Limit your basking.
Speaker 2: Bask for like, if you need to bask for twenty
Speaker 2: four hours, bask for twenty four hours, but have a limit.
Speaker 2: Don't bask over don't bask over everything all the time.
Speaker 2: Pick the things, bask over them for a set period
Speaker 2: of time, and then move on.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 2: Otherwise it's like otherwise, I mean, otherwise basking becomes masturbatory.
Speaker 2: You like the last the last emailer, and then you know,
Speaker 2: I mean, like like if you have an awkward conversation
Speaker 2: in the morning and then you spend the entire rest
Speaker 2: of the day agonizing over how awkward or bad or
Speaker 2: you handle that situation. You know, if you if you
Speaker 2: kind of bask in that, it's basically like you spent
Speaker 2: the whole day masturbating. There's really no difference between doing
Speaker 2: those two things. So this is a similar thing from
Speaker 2: the previous caller, previous previous emailer. See if the previous
Speaker 2: emailer just had an awkward conversation once a week and
Speaker 2: got upset at themselves about it once a week, that's
Speaker 2: a great that's a great basking ratio. Okay, I gotta
Speaker 2: finish reading this email. I just wanted to say thanks,
Speaker 2: because not only is your show extremely helpful to listen
Speaker 2: to people's crazy experiences, but also just listening to you
Speaker 2: talk to people has helped me go from the weird
Speaker 2: dude at the bar panicking because he wants to meet
Speaker 2: people but is too scared all the way to the loud,
Speaker 2: funny dude in the middle of seven conversations. Look at
Speaker 2: this guy, Look at uri. You rock here, I fuck
Speaker 2: with you super hard. That rocks. That's awesome.
Speaker 1: I am. You know.
Speaker 2: In my personal life, I have a strong range of
Speaker 2: social energy. There are some nights I have had I
Speaker 2: have been to parties or social events. Some nights where
Speaker 2: I walk in and I'm just like, I will talk
Speaker 2: to anyone. I'm amazing. I'm like everything I say like
Speaker 2: is perfectly makes sense and it's funny. I gracefully enter
Speaker 2: and exit conversations. I know what to say to make
Speaker 2: people like, you know, uh, instantly, like we're instantly connecting
Speaker 2: and whatnot. Okay, you know I have nights like that,
Speaker 2: and then I have nights where I'm just like, oh,
Speaker 2: I can't I can't do it. I can't talk to anyone.
Speaker 2: I have no energy. I hate myself. I don't know
Speaker 2: why anyone would ever want to be around me or
Speaker 2: talk to me or you know, oh my god, how
Speaker 2: am I supposed to you know, have have form new
Speaker 2: relationships if I'm this guy, you know, just so much shame,
Speaker 2: so much self hate, and it's like, I really it's
Speaker 2: a I don't know what it is. I always try
Speaker 2: to solve for X on that. Sometimes I have such
Speaker 2: great energy and sometimes I have no energy, but it's
Speaker 2: a strong range. So I feel you on that. I've
Speaker 2: made tons of friends because of it, and I just
Speaker 2: want to say I appreciate your existence. Thank you.
Speaker 1: Uri.
Speaker 2: I'm also on art teacher, and I'm going to attach
Speaker 2: some of my paintings because I know you're also into art.
Speaker 2: Have a fantastic day. When did I say I was
Speaker 2: into art?
Speaker 3: I mean I do like art.
Speaker 2: I think everyone likes art. Oh, I like these paintings
Speaker 2: a lot. Look at this is This is a cool
Speaker 2: jealous guy painted a jellyfish and a pirate ship. Shout
Speaker 2: out to Uri. He painted a jellyfish and a pirate ship.
Speaker 2: Good luck, good luck, good luck Uri. This is from Demetrius.
Speaker 2: Demetrius says, hey, Lyle, I'm Demetrius, and the last time
Speaker 2: I tried to email you, I overthought about it and
Speaker 2: it took me three months to send it to you.
Speaker 2: Then you stopped doing gek mail. I'm kind of always
Speaker 2: gek mail is on a rolling basis. I'm not sure
Speaker 2: if you'll get the chance to read the old email.
Speaker 2: But we met at your last London show and we
Speaker 2: hung out after it your podcast. I'm trying to remember, Yeah,
Speaker 2: I went out to a spoons with a bunch of
Speaker 2: people after London. I think your podcast has been a
Speaker 2: comforting thing for me, and it helps me to think
Speaker 2: about a lot of things that I struggle with and
Speaker 2: my overall thinking. I'm planning to try and call in
Speaker 2: at some point to have a proper chat with you.
Speaker 2: In this email, I just want to say how the
Speaker 2: past few months have been very eventful. I've now been
Speaker 2: taking seventy milligrams of Vivants holy shit for a few
Speaker 2: months and has helped me in quite a few aspects
Speaker 2: of my life. I made lots of new friends, I
Speaker 2: got a small promotion at my job, and I have
Speaker 2: been trying to travel and go to events as much
Speaker 2: as I can. Wait that rocks, Yes, seventy milligrams of
Speaker 2: Vivants will. We'll make you some friends, get you a promotion,
Speaker 2: and get you traveling for sure. I feel like I've
Speaker 2: made so much progress, but at the same time, I
Speaker 2: feel like I'm behind, and then I need to work
Speaker 2: harder on myself. It feels like this will be a
Speaker 2: never ending battle. Do you think there's any way to
Speaker 2: get out of this mindset?
Speaker 1: Yes?
Speaker 3: I do.
Speaker 2: This is something I think about.
Speaker 3: A lot.
Speaker 2: Because i've.
Speaker 1: Yes.
Speaker 2: Yes, Here are my thoughts about this, at least in
Speaker 2: this very moment. On July fifteenth, twenty twenty five, at
Speaker 2: two o four pm. These are what my thoughts are
Speaker 2: in this exact moment. My thoughts in this exact moment
Speaker 2: are that you will have milestones that you want to hit,
Speaker 2: and you will have goals and you'll hit them, and
Speaker 2: you'll keep moving the goalposts, and you keep moving the goalposts,
Speaker 2: You'll keep working on things, and you'll be like, oh,
Speaker 2: you know, I really wanted to make new friends. I
Speaker 2: wanted to get a promotion. I wanted to travel, And
Speaker 2: then you do all those things and then you're like,
Speaker 2: why the fuck do I still feel behind? Why do
Speaker 2: I still feel like I'm not enough? And I think
Speaker 2: that if you've been doing those things as a way
Speaker 2: to feel enough, the external validation that those things give
Speaker 2: you is not going to really fill your internal hole.
Speaker 2: And also, at a certain point, I mean, I'm twenty seven.
Speaker 2: I've been relatively goal oriented my whole life, and this
Speaker 2: year specifically, I've gotten to a point where I'm like,
Speaker 2: you know what, it's never going to end, dude. I
Speaker 2: was hanging out with my dad. My dad is sixty
Speaker 2: six years old, and he has a giant list of
Speaker 2: projects that he wants to do and ideas that he has,
Speaker 2: and I was like, damn, my dad is sixty six
Speaker 2: and I when i'm his When i'm his age, if
Speaker 2: I'm lucky enough to make it to his age, I'm
Speaker 2: probably still.
Speaker 1: Going to be.
Speaker 2: Having ideas and wanting to do things and wanting to
Speaker 2: work on myself. And you realize that that there is
Speaker 2: no there. You never get there, and that's good. I
Speaker 2: think you get out of this mindset by realizing that
Speaker 2: that's good that you're never going to get there, because
Speaker 2: it's part of life, you know, struggling a little bit
Speaker 2: to improve, well, ideally ideally, not struggling. Ideally it's out
Speaker 2: of love. You know, ideally, it's not a struggle. Ideally,
Speaker 2: you're propelled by love.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 2: Ideally, you're making friends, and you're getting a promotion, and
Speaker 2: you're traveling and going to events as much as you
Speaker 2: can because you love life, and because you always want
Speaker 2: to get more out of life. You always want to
Speaker 2: push yourself, and you care about yourself and you care
Speaker 2: about your life. And so you get out of that
Speaker 2: mindset by realizing that you're doing the things you do
Speaker 2: because you love yourself, not because you hate yourself. You know,
Speaker 2: That's what I'm trying to get at in my own
Speaker 2: in my own life, you know, So that's what I
Speaker 2: would say. I would say that you're on a fucking
Speaker 2: roller coaster. You're the never ending battle with yourself. It's
Speaker 2: not you're not battling yourself. You're cooperating with yourself to
Speaker 2: get the most out of life because you care about
Speaker 2: yourself and you care about the world, and you want
Speaker 2: to participate. It's good. It's a really, really good thing.
Speaker 2: It's the opposite of like fucking existential nihilism, where you're like,
Speaker 2: what's the point. You know, Demetrius, You're you're participating, so
Speaker 2: keep participating. I'm on thirty milligrams of I advance myself
Speaker 2: right now. Participate and enjoy the journey. You have to
Speaker 2: switch the mindset to enjoying the quote unquote never ending battle.
Speaker 2: It's not a never ending battle. It's a never ending
Speaker 2: cooperation and uplifting of yourself. God that sounds douchey, but
Speaker 2: it's what's in my heart. At a two eight pm
Speaker 2: on July fifteenth, twenty twenty five, all right, let's do
Speaker 2: one more email. This is from Linus. Subject line question
Speaker 2: for you. Oh God, Hi, l On. My name is
Speaker 2: Lionis and I am from Denmark. Hope you come back
Speaker 2: for a show someday. I did a show in Denmark
Speaker 2: two years ago. That's fun. I love Denmark man Copenhagen's
Speaker 2: one of my favorite fucking places on the earth. Maybe
Speaker 2: I'll go back soon. I love your show and I
Speaker 2: listen to it every day at work. It's a very
Speaker 2: nice way for me to kind of disassociate from what
Speaker 2: I'm doing and makes the time go by faster. I
Speaker 2: know you are a weed guy. I am also a
Speaker 2: weed guy. I was wondering if you could tell us
Speaker 2: about the first time you smoked. I would also love
Speaker 2: to hear what your family thinks about your use and
Speaker 2: maybe win slash how they found out about it. Uh,
Speaker 2: thank you for the podcast. I really appreciate you. Um fuck,
Speaker 2: I'm not my memory is shit because I smoke weed.
Speaker 2: But my dad and my mom have always known that
Speaker 2: I smoked weed. I mean I started smoking weed when
Speaker 2: I was fourteen or fifteen, and my parents always knew
Speaker 2: and they never got upset about it. I think that they.
Speaker 2: I mean, we kept it hidden, but my parents, my
Speaker 2: parents are a big.
Speaker 3: Wait.
Speaker 2: We never got no. We no, I'm sorry, we did
Speaker 2: keep it hidden. My parents were always big like I'd
Speaker 2: rather them do it at my house than like drive
Speaker 2: and do it that was my mom's big thing, where
Speaker 2: she was like, look, I know that you get high.
Speaker 2: I know that you and your friends are as getting high,
Speaker 2: but like, don't fucking drive and get high. That was
Speaker 2: my mom's thing. I think my parents, Yeah, my parents
Speaker 2: always knew that I was smoking weed and they were
Speaker 2: fine about it. We never really talked about it, but yeah,
Speaker 2: I think that that was their philosophy. It is like
Speaker 2: we know that they're going to do it, but just
Speaker 2: don't drive while you do it. The first time I
Speaker 2: smoked weed was with We had a neighborhood dealer. His
Speaker 2: name was Noah. I don't know why, I'm I shouldn't
Speaker 2: give his name. Whatever, there is a billion Noah's. Shout
Speaker 2: out Noah, Noah, if you're listening to this, if you
Speaker 2: somehow get this sent to you, Noah Noah's Noah. Noah
Speaker 2: was the neighborhood dealer and I went with him my
Speaker 2: buddy Chase to the woods. We smoked a blunt and
Speaker 2: Noah said to me, you know that you can tell
Speaker 2: that you're high if your spit is white. And so
Speaker 2: I was spitting on the ground a lot, and I
Speaker 2: was I would think I was pretty high, and so
Speaker 2: I started. I was I was pretty high, and I
Speaker 2: was sal salivating, salivating a lot, and so I just
Speaker 2: started spitting on my hands and like rubbing them together.
Speaker 2: And so I was just walking with my friends, just
Speaker 2: spitting on my hands and rubbing in together. My hands
Speaker 2: were all sticky and covered in spit. My friends looked
Speaker 2: at me and they were like, what the fuck are
Speaker 2: you doing? And I was like, I don't even I
Speaker 2: don't know. I thought they I heard that if you
Speaker 2: spit and it's white, you're high. And they were like,
Speaker 2: we don't want to hang out with you anymore. You're
Speaker 2: a little weird. We don't like this. This was thirteen
Speaker 2: years ago. They still bring it up sometimes, me spitting
Speaker 2: on my hands. I try not to live in the
Speaker 2: past though. Thank you for your question. Linus. Folks, this
Speaker 2: has been gek mail. Send an email, Send an email
Speaker 2: to me therapy geckomail at gmail dot com. I might
Speaker 2: do more of these half phone call, half gek mail episodes.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna keep trying to do one IRL episode a week.
Speaker 2: I'm working really hard on my Tijuana documentary and hopefully
Speaker 2: more documentaries after that. I'm going to be uploading that
Speaker 2: actually here on Spotify and on YouTube, so be on
Speaker 2: the lookout. Thank you guys for listening to this podcast.
Speaker 2: Thank you guys for being here. Send an email Therapy
Speaker 2: geckomail at gmail dot com and uh, I might answer
Speaker 2: your email like seven months after you send it, so
Speaker 2: so just keep keep sending emails Therapy Gecko mail at
Speaker 2: gmail dot com. I might try to do more of
Speaker 2: these hybrid episodes and okay, well that's it. That's all.
Speaker 2: That's all the rest I have to say. I'll be
Speaker 2: back on Sunday with an I R L episode and
Speaker 2: I will see you guys. Then get bless and good luck.
Speaker 2: Bye again. Goes on the line taking your phone calls
Speaker 2: every nine. Goes to stagings loud in the of your line.
Speaker 2: An expert