Speaker 1: Guys, we had a massive breakthrough with our sex life
Speaker 1: dead ass and with that des getting moss. Hey, I'm
Speaker 1: Cadine and we're the Ellises. You may know us from
Speaker 1: posting funny videos without boys and reading each other publicly
Speaker 1: as a form of therapy. Wait, I'll make you need
Speaker 1: derby most days. Wow. And one more important thing to mention,
Speaker 1: we're married. We are. We created this podcast to open
Speaker 1: dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, things most
Speaker 1: folks don't want to talk about through the lens of
Speaker 1: a millennium married couple. Dead ass is the term that
Speaker 1: we say every day. So when we say dead ass,
Speaker 1: we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth, and
Speaker 1: nothing but the truth. Were about to think feel off
Speaker 1: to a whole new level. Dead ass starts right now.
Speaker 1: Story time, storytime, Baby. Let the people know how we
Speaker 1: got to this point. All right, So listen, y'all have
Speaker 1: heard in previous episodes and seasons um us talk about
Speaker 1: some of our issues that we had so so much
Speaker 1: about why we've had certain things stifling our sex life,
Speaker 1: or actually trying to figure out what was stifling our life. Right.
Speaker 1: So it was funny because I was thinking to myself,
Speaker 1: Oh my god, season five, we're talking about sex again,
Speaker 1: and it almost felt very monotonous and mundane, like we're
Speaker 1: talking about the same things over and over again. But
Speaker 1: I am happy to say that I feel like we
Speaker 1: have figured something out. Well before you even say that.
Speaker 1: It may be mundane to us because we talk about it,
Speaker 1: but all we get is sex questions because that seems
Speaker 1: to be an issue in relationship and people are looking
Speaker 1: for an answer. And I think that we've kind of
Speaker 1: figured something out here. Can I get back to my story?
Speaker 1: So I go to my doctor for my annual you know,
Speaker 1: check up pap all that good stuff, pap smear if
Speaker 1: people don't know what a PAP is um And at
Speaker 1: that time I expressed to her that, you know, I
Speaker 1: felt like I was having some issues with my sex
Speaker 1: life that was lasting a lot longer than I anticipated.
Speaker 1: At first, I thought it was the children. I thought
Speaker 1: it was maybe fatigue. You know, you're trying to figure
Speaker 1: out things trial and error, do you know, troubleshooting um.
Speaker 1: And then it kind of hit me like, I wonder
Speaker 1: if my method of contraception was you know, causing some
Speaker 1: kind of issue. So I had the I U D
Speaker 1: in place, and I had that in after Caz at
Speaker 1: my six week check up, I was like, young about
Speaker 1: to catch me slipping. I got this this I U
Speaker 1: D in place, and we're good to go. Then she
Speaker 1: recommended to me, did you think of maybe trying something
Speaker 1: else and taking the IU D out? And I was like,
Speaker 1: that actually might work because I know at some points
Speaker 1: did all and I have felt on either ends a
Speaker 1: little bit of discomfort just knowing that that was in
Speaker 1: my body so and physically feeling the discomfort, like there
Speaker 1: was times even with Jackson where I was like I
Speaker 1: could feel it, yeah, exactly, and then you were just like,
Speaker 1: and it feels uncomfortable. So after trying to figure out,
Speaker 1: like what other method of contraception I should get in
Speaker 1: trying to figure out what to do, I was like,
Speaker 1: you know what, let me give my body a little
Speaker 1: break and take the I U DAL and we'll figure
Speaker 1: out another method of method contraception. Then once that was done,
Speaker 1: it also spiraled into us being in New York, living
Speaker 1: at home with my family in my parents house with
Speaker 1: the boys. This was around the holiday times when we
Speaker 1: were trying to decide if we're going to go back
Speaker 1: to California. Or not for the holidays. But of course
Speaker 1: California went back into lockdown and we were forced to
Speaker 1: stay in New York. So then again the io D
Speaker 1: was not in place, but it was back to having
Speaker 1: quiet sex in my parents house because why the house
Speaker 1: is a lot smaller. There's about ten to eleven of
Speaker 1: us in the house. We're just trying to get in
Speaker 1: where we fit in. And it wasn't until de Val
Speaker 1: and I had a little rendezvous kind of like you know,
Speaker 1: young college kids. I won't tell you where in her
Speaker 1: parents room. It was like a moment that just hit us,
Speaker 1: like yo, the spontaneity by ourselves actually recording an ad
Speaker 1: for the podcast in my mom's closet because that had
Speaker 1: the best acoustics, and I was just like, you know what.
Speaker 1: Vats kind of gave me a look. It was on
Speaker 1: and popping. Nobody else was in the house at that time.
Speaker 1: It was just us and that particular moment, that session
Speaker 1: of a light bulb, we figured out what the issue was.
Speaker 1: This song It's Karaoke means so much. This is another
Speaker 1: song at the top of that repeat playlist, absolutely because
Speaker 1: it means so much in its lyrics. It's real, it's
Speaker 1: real fact. Let me start this. All you ready, I'm ready?
Speaker 1: Will we hey, will we will we mm hmm when
Speaker 1: we will we. I like it when you lose, Hey,
Speaker 1: I like it when you go there. I like the
Speaker 1: way you use it. I like that you don't play
Speaker 1: hey recipe for the disaster when I'm just trying to
Speaker 1: take my time. Stroke is getting deep and faster. You're
Speaker 1: screaming like I'm on a line. Who came to mix week,
Speaker 1: Not me who came to get in. Oh, not me
Speaker 1: who came to beating Rocky m We don't use them
Speaker 1: as to put up that game to stop me up
Speaker 1: when we fun when we Yo take My Man one
Speaker 1: of my favorite songs of all times. That is a
Speaker 1: whole fact. But the words in those songs reigned supreme
Speaker 1: with codeine and h listen. I'm just gonna put it
Speaker 1: out there right in the event that we were to
Speaker 1: happen at the child I literally text zena thank his wife,
Speaker 1: and I was like us, let tank know that anyhow
Speaker 1: another baby comes out of this relationship. He is the godfather. Yes,
Speaker 1: you gotta be gott to be It's probably gonna be
Speaker 1: made to that song, because um, sex is good making
Speaker 1: love is good, but there was nothing like when we fucked.
Speaker 1: There was nothing like it. And we have we have learned,
Speaker 1: like there's ten years in this marriage. We've learned now
Speaker 1: that like we have different levels of love making, but
Speaker 1: when we fuck, we'd be like, that's that's how, that's how.
Speaker 1: That's going back to the story time, going back to
Speaker 1: story time's right exactly. There was a perfect storm of events.
Speaker 1: It happened there right because she got the I U
Speaker 1: D taken out and then at the same time for
Speaker 1: the first time, and I would say seven eight months,
Speaker 1: we had a long time because the pandemic force us
Speaker 1: to be in the house. We couldn't travel, and we
Speaker 1: kind of wonderment, like what was going on with our
Speaker 1: sex life, and if it wasn't us at home with
Speaker 1: the kids, it was with my parents who were also
Speaker 1: locked down with us for four months. You know. It
Speaker 1: was some combinations. But that was the first time in years,
Speaker 1: because of the contraceptive that we had no kids, no mom,
Speaker 1: and no I U D. And that was the first
Speaker 1: time that we had had that like that raw animalistic
Speaker 1: sex like college. And I heard you make sounds that
Speaker 1: you haven't made in a long time, and I was like, yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: I think I figured it out, and she was like, what,
Speaker 1: I think that I U D might have been messing
Speaker 1: with your sex drive and then we discussed it. I
Speaker 1: was just like when when you put the I U
Speaker 1: D in the beginning, you felt tender. So we had sex,
Speaker 1: you know, slightly, lightly, but it never really went back
Speaker 1: to how we typically had sex. No, it never subsided
Speaker 1: that feeling of tenderness. Or maybe it was also mental
Speaker 1: for me knowing that there was something there, a foreign object,
Speaker 1: so you always putting the gate right, yeah, you know,
Speaker 1: and for people don't know what the gate is, that's
Speaker 1: when the hands go to the to the pelvis. When
Speaker 1: I'm trying to, you know what I'm saying, do my thing.
Speaker 1: I would feel the gate come up and I'd like,
Speaker 1: you are right, and she'd be like right there, right there,
Speaker 1: just don't don't go too much further. So it was
Speaker 1: like restricting. And then there were times when we even
Speaker 1: try to go all the way and I would be like,
Speaker 1: y'all think I feel it, And it made both of
Speaker 1: us nervous because I'm with Jackson. What people don't know
Speaker 1: is that I was feeling her I U D. And
Speaker 1: then she went to the doctor and she said I
Speaker 1: was starting to come out. It was literally like it
Speaker 1: was like, go on this way out, which is not
Speaker 1: good for her or good for me. So we've always
Speaker 1: had that thing in the back of our minds, but
Speaker 1: I felt like that was putting a mental block for
Speaker 1: both of us, that there was something in you that
Speaker 1: was foreign, and then you feeling it and me feeling
Speaker 1: it made us adjust the way we were having sex,
Speaker 1: and then sex wasn't as pleasure for for you or
Speaker 1: for me. On top of that, we always had to
Speaker 1: worry about a kid busting in the door or your
Speaker 1: mom hearing us. And then with the pandemic, your mom
Speaker 1: and your dad was in the house. So this was
Speaker 1: the first time in like months years well the i
Speaker 1: U D and then I'm talking about the kids, that
Speaker 1: we were able to have the type of sex that
Speaker 1: we have to. But you know what also helped after
Speaker 1: the fact too, which we've noticed the pattern which made
Speaker 1: us come to this conclusion now, was when you took
Speaker 1: me to the city for my birthday, my birthday weekend,
Speaker 1: which was shortly after we got to New York, and
Speaker 1: we had that moment in my my mom my parents
Speaker 1: room and then we get to a hotel and was
Speaker 1: just like, Yo, is it that I have to take
Speaker 1: you somewhere for us to have you know? Yeah, the
Speaker 1: argument used to be like, is it that I have
Speaker 1: to take you somewhere and spend money for us to
Speaker 1: just have a good time and it be like the
Speaker 1: old days? And to me it was just like no,
Speaker 1: I mean, yeah, there is a little bit like a
Speaker 1: fun when you're like on vacation or you're like in
Speaker 1: a hotel, or you're doing something that's not the norm
Speaker 1: or it's not like the day to day. Of course,
Speaker 1: creating that kind of environment does make you kind of,
Speaker 1: you know, be a little bit more adventurous. But um,
Speaker 1: we did notice after that particular um birthday weekend, the
Speaker 1: little stay cation that we did it in New York.
Speaker 1: I was like, wait, this might be like a thing now,
Speaker 1: and it was. It was a thing because remember we
Speaker 1: had had another stay cation right after that with the
Speaker 1: kids in the hotel room and you and I were
Speaker 1: trying to get it in because we were in a
Speaker 1: different environment. So we think the environment is different. So
Speaker 1: we're staying at the one hotel by Brooklyn Bridge is
Speaker 1: a nice view and everything we way up late at night,
Speaker 1: wait for the kids to go to sleep, and me
Speaker 1: and K trying to do it and it's not because
Speaker 1: and and that's when we were like, yo, it's the kid.
Speaker 1: It was just too many things cramping our style. At
Speaker 1: that point, between that and then people being in our space,
Speaker 1: we just realized we needed our space. So that being said, Um,
Speaker 1: things have been I think way better too. Also because
Speaker 1: we have the space now where we're in the new homes,
Speaker 1: everybody kind of has their domains that they can be in. Um,
Speaker 1: we just have to learn to put the lock on
Speaker 1: the door. His kids were still walking, still walking and
Speaker 1: logan um. But yeah, it was kind of refreshing for
Speaker 1: us to kind of reach this point where we felt like, wow,
Speaker 1: we're in a way better place. And I think also
Speaker 1: mentally I had a block up because I always felt
Speaker 1: like sex came with this negativity and it was the
Speaker 1: built up negativity that we'd had in prior seasons on
Speaker 1: the podcast that we spoke about, or there's prior years
Speaker 1: for us where it was just was always like a
Speaker 1: daunting thing. Um. I think also to in addition to
Speaker 1: the I U D. Making time for ourselves solely without
Speaker 1: anyone around and also to changing the negative mindset I
Speaker 1: had around it, where it's just like, oh damn, it's
Speaker 1: rolling on day day two, you know, since we've had sex,
Speaker 1: no I want to have to do it again soon,
Speaker 1: And that in itself just made it a very you know,
Speaker 1: put a bad taste in my mouth when it came
Speaker 1: to it and it became like a chore. But but
Speaker 1: do you physically feel like you've enjoyed sex more? Absolutely, absolutely,
Speaker 1: because there's less restraints. I feel like there's less of
Speaker 1: a mental block for me to thinking like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: my iu D is going to get this and it's
Speaker 1: going to end up in my esophagus. But I think
Speaker 1: that that's the key though, because if you enjoy sex more,
Speaker 1: you want to want to have it more exactly, you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. And I think that was a
Speaker 1: big part of it. First of all enjoying it more
Speaker 1: because we don't have to deal with the contrastructive but
Speaker 1: then also wanting to have it more, and then putting
Speaker 1: you in the place and putting me in a place
Speaker 1: where we could have it the way we want to
Speaker 1: have it. Because there's one thing about sex is everyone
Speaker 1: enjoys that animalistic you know attraction where it's it's not planned.
Speaker 1: It just like that that time and your your mother
Speaker 1: and your father's room. We were in the closet and
Speaker 1: you have nothing sexy about the situation as far as
Speaker 1: I can remember in terms of the how, I don't know.
Speaker 1: It wasn't say, you know what I mean. I think
Speaker 1: it was the house closed, and we were just like quick.
Speaker 1: You had on tights that you always have on. But
Speaker 1: I remember coming out of the closet and it was
Speaker 1: just quiet for the first time in months because there
Speaker 1: was nobody there with us, so it was just quiet,
Speaker 1: and you had on tights and you put the remember
Speaker 1: you put the laptop on the bed and you had
Speaker 1: leaned over the bed just to finish sending it to
Speaker 1: the noora. And then I remember I just pressed myself
Speaker 1: up against you and then you kind of look back
Speaker 1: at me, and I was just like yeah. And then
Speaker 1: from there it was just like college, like bang bang bang,
Speaker 1: and I heard you say things and it felt like
Speaker 1: how sex had not felt for us in a long time.
Speaker 1: And I knew at knowing that at the time, like
Speaker 1: you didn't have the I U D. I wasn't holding
Speaker 1: back and you wasn't putting the fence up. So at
Speaker 1: the same time I'm not holding back and you're not
Speaker 1: putting the fence up. It felt like this is the moment.
Speaker 1: These are the moments that you, you know, you get
Speaker 1: inspired to have, like those quick moments where it's just like, bam,
Speaker 1: I want to do this to my wife, even after
Speaker 1: eighteen years years of not having that can definitely change
Speaker 1: your perspective of starting to have sex. You know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying, because even for me as a man, when
Speaker 1: you start to have sex with your wife and when
Speaker 1: you're getting ready to get into your moon moment and
Speaker 1: she's us putting her hands to slow you down and
Speaker 1: push you off, then you're starting to feel like, you know,
Speaker 1: how doing Am I doing something wrong? Do you not
Speaker 1: have sex? And then it starts to mess with your
Speaker 1: mind right, So, and that you had moments like that
Speaker 1: where you were just like mentally like I'm thinking too
Speaker 1: much about what's happening here, and you're always the considerate
Speaker 1: lever to like considering how I feel, yeah, exactly, and
Speaker 1: making sure I'm taking care of um. So that part two,
Speaker 1: I know for you it was like a really big
Speaker 1: mental thing that you're just like, I don't know what's
Speaker 1: going on here, but I mean, it's commonly believed that
Speaker 1: hormonal birth control it lowers sex drive by lowering levels
Speaker 1: of testosterone in the woman's body, which is funny because
Speaker 1: when it's about to be that time of the month
Speaker 1: for women, that's actually when test asterone spikes, And it's
Speaker 1: always funny because you're just like, wow, you normally want
Speaker 1: to do it when we can't do it, you know. Um.
Speaker 1: But as a result, according to research, UM, it doesn't
Speaker 1: necessarily reflect the same I guess everyone's body is different. Yes, so,
Speaker 1: according to several studies, on average, women reported having no
Speaker 1: change in sex drive while using birth control. But since
Speaker 1: there's not that much scientific information about you know, the
Speaker 1: female sexual pleasure and the sexual anatomy available to us,
Speaker 1: and every woman's physiology, everyone's psychology, their experience being different,
Speaker 1: the average experience isn't everyone's experience. UM. And I think
Speaker 1: one thing that we both were invested in was really
Speaker 1: trying to figure out why this wasn't working, because it
Speaker 1: wasn't for lack of attraction. I think sometimes people wonder
Speaker 1: over the years, if you're married to somebody for a
Speaker 1: certain amount of time, is it that we lose attraction physically?
Speaker 1: You know? Um? And one thing you always said to
Speaker 1: me was like, Babe, I'm always trying to stay in
Speaker 1: shape for you. You know, I want you to stay
Speaker 1: in shape for me. I want us to be able
Speaker 1: to be healthy but also look good for each other. Um.
Speaker 1: And that was an aim for me as well after
Speaker 1: you know, even just having children, like, wanted to get
Speaker 1: my body back in shape, not just for myself but
Speaker 1: for you as well. So you kind of throw those
Speaker 1: things there, and then the egos tend to also take
Speaker 1: a hit as well, because you're wondering if I don't
Speaker 1: look good enough. You know, men to having, like you've said,
Speaker 1: their own, um questions in their mind, like you know,
Speaker 1: am I do it right? And as a as a man,
Speaker 1: as a man, you when you start to have sex,
Speaker 1: your thought processes is she attracted to me? Is it
Speaker 1: big enough? Do I last long enough? And am I
Speaker 1: doing it right? Like? Those are the things that you
Speaker 1: think about when you get into having sex with any woman.
Speaker 1: And then if it's your wife, you're wondering, like can
Speaker 1: I sustain this throughout life to make sure that she
Speaker 1: still wants to have sex? As we get older. You
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. So when your wife's body starts
Speaker 1: to change, or she goes through a deficit and her
Speaker 1: sexual drive, the first thing for me was to say,
Speaker 1: what am I not doing properly? You know what I'm saying?
Speaker 1: What's wrong with me? You know what I'm saying, Because
Speaker 1: it's like I'm the same person I was when we
Speaker 1: got together. I'm saying I gained a little bit of weight.
Speaker 1: I'm a little bit bigger now. You know what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: am I hearing? Here? Ain't as it was? It was
Speaker 1: a whole as bubble head When I met you, I
Speaker 1: was skinny like a lollipop, like a pot spoon. So
Speaker 1: that's how But that's how I feel like I was.
Speaker 1: I'm more of a man now than I was when
Speaker 1: you first started. There should have been more attractive, super attractive, no,
Speaker 1: for sure. So that's why I, in turn felt like
Speaker 1: it was something internal for me, which is why I
Speaker 1: felt like I was almost at my wits in like,
Speaker 1: what is it about my body? What is it about?
Speaker 1: Is it my body chemistry? Is it something psychological with
Speaker 1: me that was causing this gate up? In a different sense,
Speaker 1: which also led me to my doctor, and it's just like, girl, like,
Speaker 1: this is what's happening? Can you suggest something to me?
Speaker 1: Because I felt like it had to be something internal.
Speaker 1: Um and then of course, like you know, there's day
Speaker 1: to day things like you know, the children and being
Speaker 1: tired and work and stuff like that. But I also
Speaker 1: felt like it was something deeper than that. So for me,
Speaker 1: it was just like, you know, frequency is not going
Speaker 1: to be good or does it make sense if it's
Speaker 1: not good? Because frequency was not our problem. Frequency. You know,
Speaker 1: we we have sex routinely and consistently, uh, two to
Speaker 1: three times a week, just on average, and there's some
Speaker 1: weeks where we're just like I wanted more. I wanted
Speaker 1: four times a week. Sometimes don't want to find something. So, uh,
Speaker 1: consistency wasn't the problem. The problem was the act of
Speaker 1: having sex and then feeling like a chore. Because listen
Speaker 1: to two thousand seventeen study appeared in the Archives of
Speaker 1: Sexual Behavior that I found that the average adult currently
Speaker 1: enjoys sex fifty four times a year. That equates to
Speaker 1: about once a week. You're far from average, So I've
Speaker 1: never done anything average in my life. So that's that's
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna start with sex. Now, I'm not gonna
Speaker 1: be like I've exceeded everything else in the sex average.
Speaker 1: I'm not doing that, So I don't even want to
Speaker 1: even think about that being a possibility. But what I
Speaker 1: what I have noticed is that UM psychologically with you
Speaker 1: particularly like you have to have an escape from the kids,
Speaker 1: Like you have to have an escape because even you know,
Speaker 1: even when we're away on vacation, if the kids are
Speaker 1: in the room with us, or the kids or somewhere else,
Speaker 1: you're always thinking of out them. So the only time
Speaker 1: I can really get you the focus on just being
Speaker 1: in this moment is if the kids are nowhere in
Speaker 1: your vicinity to where you can you're paying attention to them,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. So I remember we used
Speaker 1: to have this argument all the time. I used to
Speaker 1: be like, why do I got to spend thousands of
Speaker 1: dollars to go on vacation to get my wife back?
Speaker 1: And I felt like that was unfair. It's like, at
Speaker 1: any time I'm looking to get something, I have to
Speaker 1: spend money, right, But I do, I do realize that
Speaker 1: you can't escape, like you can't escape from something that
Speaker 1: you like no one's there, even if you're saying, don't
Speaker 1: think about it. For me, I can think that I
Speaker 1: could really be like the kids coming like I don't,
Speaker 1: I don't care, Like they could be at the door
Speaker 1: knocking and I'll be like, yo, they'll be fine. It'll
Speaker 1: be fine for the next twelve fifteen minutes. I'm gonna say.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna say that recent story, this situation for a
Speaker 1: story time. We got another funny story. Times it's hilarious,
Speaker 1: but we'll but it feels good though. Feel It feels
Speaker 1: good to reach a breakthrough because it comes points where
Speaker 1: you're like, I don't know what to do. I don't
Speaker 1: know what the problem is. Let me tell you I
Speaker 1: was to the point where check it out. Sometimes a
Speaker 1: low sex drive can be the result of issues such
Speaker 1: as hyperactive sexual desire disorder. I thought I had a
Speaker 1: whole last disorder. They put labels on everything I did,
Speaker 1: A disorder that reduces your level of interest and enjoyment
Speaker 1: from sex. Let me d D is treatable by using
Speaker 1: medications that they'd be trying to medicate everybody. And I
Speaker 1: was just like, man, I don't know if I was
Speaker 1: at that point either. I was trying all sorts of
Speaker 1: old natural stuff. I was like, let me boil this
Speaker 1: route and have somebody to send me up some stuff
Speaker 1: from Jamaica just to see if it'll work. This is
Speaker 1: what I will say, right, this is this is what
Speaker 1: I know for a fact, Codeine. I don't know if
Speaker 1: you want, I don't want to put your business out there,
Speaker 1: but there's certain positions, there's certain positions that Codeine loves
Speaker 1: to do. And is it fair to say that. I
Speaker 1: think a lot of people have their favorite, right, So
Speaker 1: you said, don't put your beIN something not going to
Speaker 1: the positions out there, right, But while you were on
Speaker 1: the I U D those positions were uncomfortable for you,
Speaker 1: and I think that you couldn't do those positions and
Speaker 1: sex became boring for you because those positions that you
Speaker 1: like to do, we weren't able to do because you
Speaker 1: were just kind of like you used, I'm trying not
Speaker 1: to put your business on the street. But then we
Speaker 1: would go to do those and you would put the
Speaker 1: wall up, or you will, you would put that, you
Speaker 1: put that, and you put them in down and be
Speaker 1: like no, no no, no, no no no. So then it's
Speaker 1: like I can't do it a second. You used to
Speaker 1: like that, I used to be like, what's going on?
Speaker 1: You used to love that. In terms of traffic light,
Speaker 1: the green light is not like a yellowish slow yellow.
Speaker 1: But I think because we've made it more enjoyable now
Speaker 1: you want to do it more because more recently you've
Speaker 1: been like and it can be without like a develop
Speaker 1: vacation me like a fly me out, Like it doesn't
Speaker 1: have to be that. That's still cute. So don't stop
Speaker 1: that now. Don't stop that now, just because the space
Speaker 1: where we could do it, and at least we're on
Speaker 1: one side of the house. My mom is like downstairs
Speaker 1: on the other side of the house. She always gonna
Speaker 1: find of vacation guys. So what I'm want to do
Speaker 1: if he's just un necessary to regroup and to just
Speaker 1: like have a change of the atmosphere. That's what That's
Speaker 1: what I wanted to touch on too. When it comes
Speaker 1: to sex life, vacations are important because people tend to
Speaker 1: bond over new experiences, right, and even if you watch
Speaker 1: the movies and stuff, those are erotic experiences or those
Speaker 1: exciting experiences that happened typically happen under stress, where something
Speaker 1: new has happened. When you get excited, right, how do
Speaker 1: you excite those erogenous zones without touching someone typically happens
Speaker 1: when you see things that make you excited. So I
Speaker 1: do honestly feel like traveling and seeing new things and
Speaker 1: experiencing new things, whether it be hiking or bungee jumping
Speaker 1: or zip lining like we did, UM really does get
Speaker 1: you excited. Like we'll do things like that, and then
Speaker 1: when we go back to the room, you'll be horny
Speaker 1: because it's almost like if you feel like a kid again.
Speaker 1: You know, like there's certain kids that you kind of
Speaker 1: just like put away whenever you are on vacation, and
Speaker 1: it's just like who won't like to drop it like
Speaker 1: it's hot, you know, after coming out coming in from
Speaker 1: the beach or you know, from a trip, from an
Speaker 1: excursion or whatever. Like things like that I think definitely
Speaker 1: will help UM too. And then also to being in
Speaker 1: a mental space that's better. I feel like we've been
Speaker 1: in a better mental space together as a couple. We've
Speaker 1: talked about being more of service to each other. We
Speaker 1: talked about levels of intimacy as well that we're looking
Speaker 1: forward to over the next ten years. So I think
Speaker 1: before the actual act of that raw like you say,
Speaker 1: animalistic sex, that's great, But the way we get to
Speaker 1: it now, I feel like it's way more organic. Um,
Speaker 1: it's way more authentic to to us because we're really
Speaker 1: tuned into each other and we spend days where we're
Speaker 1: just like walking past each other and it's like i'll
Speaker 1: give you a look, you give me a look, or
Speaker 1: grab my butt or you know, I'll grab your chest
Speaker 1: or whatever it may be. Um, and it's almost just
Speaker 1: to let you know, like I see you. And and
Speaker 1: those moments of intimacy that we have, though they'd be
Speaker 1: quick during the day, kind of calming, eat up at
Speaker 1: night or morning or whenever we can. And I think
Speaker 1: that we've both been more deliberate with that, Like I've
Speaker 1: always grabbed you, but like that's just you. You can't
Speaker 1: work by me in my hand. Don't just go like that.
Speaker 1: It's almost like a knee joke reaction at this point.
Speaker 1: But what it just We talked about this on another
Speaker 1: podcast where we talked about being delivered, about being of service, right,
Speaker 1: and not just being of service in the moment to
Speaker 1: get something in return, but constantly being of service to somebody.
Speaker 1: So if you're constantly of service to your spouse, of
Speaker 1: course they're going to want to reciprocate, and I think
Speaker 1: that both of us have been more deliberate about being
Speaker 1: of service. So the reciprocation is just coming naturally and
Speaker 1: it's working its way to the bedroom. On top of
Speaker 1: the fact that you don't have the I U D
Speaker 1: no more so, just when people know they're asking, well,
Speaker 1: what if you don't use I D, We're using um palm,
Speaker 1: which is POM. It's called the pullout method, all right.
Speaker 1: It's also called prayer prayer over medicine, all right. So
Speaker 1: I don't know how long that's gonna last. We've been
Speaker 1: pretty pretty pretty successful, we have been past years. It
Speaker 1: takes trust, you know what I'm saying about getting pregnant
Speaker 1: and all those fails too. I kind of feel like,
Speaker 1: if that doesn't work out or we're not relying on that,
Speaker 1: because I don't rely on that as full proof, we
Speaker 1: can always go with something that's a little bit more shortshot.
Speaker 1: There's the s D M let me sorry, the SDB method.
Speaker 1: I don't know if you've heard of it. S dB
Speaker 1: you make yourself? Is that a pill? But it's it's
Speaker 1: it's the snip them balls, snip them, meaning like, okay,
Speaker 1: I've had three children and then we are done, and
Speaker 1: you can why you got to be so vogar? Why
Speaker 1: you got to be so vogar? Don't use the V word.
Speaker 1: Do not use the V word on this podcast. Do not, Hey,
Speaker 1: do not. You know what I mean. I'm just saying
Speaker 1: it might just be your turn. I'll say this, I'll
Speaker 1: say this, right if if we have another baby after that,
Speaker 1: snip snip, but snip snippy snip snips a s dB. So,
Speaker 1: but if we don't, what if we decide or you know,
Speaker 1: we I we decide that we're not gonna have a fourth,
Speaker 1: then we're going to have to decide whether or not
Speaker 1: I'm gonna stb. That's fair, fair rights, and I'm willing
Speaker 1: to do it because you've put your body through a
Speaker 1: lot of trauma over years having children, being on birth control. Right,
Speaker 1: so I'm saying here, gain weight. So I'm willing to
Speaker 1: do that. And I know it'll make our sex life
Speaker 1: better because if we don't have to focus on no
Speaker 1: contraceptive at all, right, because if we're trying to combat
Speaker 1: pregnancy and it's just me you, then hey, then we're good.
Speaker 1: You could swing from the shandel from the and if
Speaker 1: you're not worried about you know, you'll be good. Swing
Speaker 1: like that. Dang langs see you nasty. See guys, ever
Speaker 1: since you got off the I U D. She been
Speaker 1: nasty like something too. For like your your psyche, like
Speaker 1: the way you feel like your mood mood is also
Speaker 1: very much affected by even with them. Yeah, I mean
Speaker 1: I had the non hormonal one, but I feel like, man,
Speaker 1: that should be giving off something too. You just never know.
Speaker 1: I mean, you know better than I know because it
Speaker 1: was inside. But but I will say that there was
Speaker 1: a like a stark difference once you took that I
Speaker 1: U D out. It went from it was like night
Speaker 1: and day, like there was I U D and there
Speaker 1: we were struggling the minute she took it out, and
Speaker 1: I was just like, babe, I think that's what it was,
Speaker 1: and then you know it's And then the good thing
Speaker 1: is we're reaching a point now because and when you
Speaker 1: think about married couples, if you're both very sexually active
Speaker 1: with each other, you do choose a contraceptive that will
Speaker 1: prevent you from having kids so that you don't have
Speaker 1: to continue to reproduce, But you don't realize how that's
Speaker 1: gonna affect your sex drive, Like a lot of people
Speaker 1: don't realize that. You think, oh, you know, even condoms,
Speaker 1: condoms affect people's sex drive. Like some dudes hate condoms.
Speaker 1: Some women's bodies respond terribly too condoms. So I think
Speaker 1: as married couples, we have to start to continue to
Speaker 1: discuss how these contraceptives are affecting our sex lives, our
Speaker 1: sex drives, and what other options we have, you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying to to counteract that so that we
Speaker 1: can you know, have fun being married. So it doesn't
Speaker 1: seem so daunting to exactly And it's just like, you know,
Speaker 1: I don't want to have to say place blame for
Speaker 1: example anymore. I feel like at that point, I was
Speaker 1: really trying to figure out, well, if it's not me,
Speaker 1: maybe it's the kids, maybe it's just it was a
Speaker 1: culmination of things, yes, but I think it required a
Speaker 1: little bit of research, and it's something that mattered to
Speaker 1: me to be able to figure out, because I didn't
Speaker 1: want to just continue to live in the space that
Speaker 1: we were in where you felt as if you were
Speaker 1: unwanted or that you were neglected, um, that your needs
Speaker 1: were not met in that department UM too. So I'm
Speaker 1: feeling pretty good about where we're at. But think about this, though,
Speaker 1: contraceptives have always been an issue for us throughout our
Speaker 1: relationship before eighteen years, because when we first met we
Speaker 1: were responsible. We wore condoms right then in all honesty,
Speaker 1: we got comfortable with each other. I didn't like wearing condoms.
Speaker 1: Ain't like the condoms, so we stopped wearing condoms when
Speaker 1: we used to pull out method. But we got nervous
Speaker 1: about having babies. So that time when we weren't using condoms,
Speaker 1: our sex life was jumping. We was It was like
Speaker 1: in college. It was on and popping, but then you
Speaker 1: had got on the pill at one point and it
Speaker 1: messed with you. Um, I think you tried to patrol.
Speaker 1: It was the ring. I tried to ring for a
Speaker 1: little bit. That didn't work out. But I feel like
Speaker 1: all of those different things have because naturally, you're not
Speaker 1: supposed to stop what's supposed to be so normal, you know,
Speaker 1: saying what's supposed to be so animalistic and esoteric at
Speaker 1: the same time, because your spirits and your your souls
Speaker 1: get involved with having sex. So when you're stopping it
Speaker 1: by using something, it seems like there's a break in
Speaker 1: between so yeah, and even so I feel like even
Speaker 1: now we've had a lot more like emotionally charged sex
Speaker 1: too since that, you know what I mean. We used
Speaker 1: to have sex in college, right, And there was a
Speaker 1: time in colleus having sex and Kadina just started crying
Speaker 1: and I'm like and I used to be like, I'm like,
Speaker 1: what's what's the matter And she'd be like, I don't know,
Speaker 1: I'd just been called up to me. We cry, but
Speaker 1: it was a cute little like, oh my god, I
Speaker 1: love you so much. Cry. We were listening to what song?
Speaker 1: Do you remember what song it was? Yes? I do remember.
Speaker 1: It was two times it happened one Do you remember
Speaker 1: both of them soundtrack? Yeah? The first one was Beauty
Speaker 1: by Drew Hill the second one and the second one
Speaker 1: was Speechless by beyont my girl. That's listening, that's that's on? Ye. Yes, okay,
Speaker 1: don't do karaoke time. Karaoke time is past. Yes, but
Speaker 1: it's good. I'm feeling good. Where we at. Pound me up,
Speaker 1: dap me up. I always pound you up, at me now,
Speaker 1: pound you up, pound you out. That's the fact. Well,
Speaker 1: let's go pay some bills real quickly. Back, Okay, before
Speaker 1: this takes a sharp turn. Okay, we're gonna take a
Speaker 1: real quick break, y'all, and I get back into some
Speaker 1: listening letters. All right, and we're back. Yes, listen to letters.
Speaker 1: We're listening to y'all. What you got to say? You've
Speaker 1: got the right one up. Oh here we go. All right. Hello,
Speaker 1: First and foremost, my wife and I enjoy your podcast
Speaker 1: very much, Thank you so much. When guys right in, Yes,
Speaker 1: and we listened to it as a couple, which as
Speaker 1: you should. We have two young sons, ages one and four,
Speaker 1: who love to sleep in the bed with us. We
Speaker 1: remember the days when we just when it was just
Speaker 1: us and sex came as easy as breathing. Now, with
Speaker 1: the kids in the bed, it seems as if we've
Speaker 1: developed sexual asthma. Sexual feels like do you guys, do
Speaker 1: you guys have this issue? How do we once and
Speaker 1: for all kick the kids out? Okay, well, I mean
Speaker 1: we kind of implemented. I want to say, after jack
Speaker 1: I kicked my kids out the bed, y'all, I kicked
Speaker 1: them out. I said, guys, I said, kay, kay, this
Speaker 1: this can't be. Yeah. Jackson was in the there with
Speaker 1: us for a long time, and that tends to happen
Speaker 1: when you have your first child sometimes unless you're very deliberate,
Speaker 1: and he was kind of he was in and out
Speaker 1: of our bed, i should say for a long time. Um.
Speaker 1: And it was a convenience that came with with Nur
Speaker 1: saying restating overnight things like that. Um, that made it
Speaker 1: really easy, you know, because sometimes it's just like is
Speaker 1: it sleep or is it the kid being in the room,
Speaker 1: Like you just some things you're gonna have to sacrifice.
Speaker 1: But then then comes a point when you just have
Speaker 1: to kind of get him out of bed. So not
Speaker 1: even just for sex, started just to sleep because they
Speaker 1: get told sleep crazy. We used to call Jacks and
Speaker 1: come kung Fu Panda in the good because he just
Speaker 1: used to be all over the place. But then yeah,
Speaker 1: early on with Cairo, we kind of implemented the sleeping
Speaker 1: in the basternet to try and to even if he
Speaker 1: was in the room with us, taking him out of
Speaker 1: the bed, putting him in the basse neet. And then
Speaker 1: when he became too big for the bast neet he
Speaker 1: was about three months and then we were just like, okay,
Speaker 1: we're going to have to do the Ferber method. We
Speaker 1: kind of loosely did the Ferber method. Um. Cairo was
Speaker 1: great in that he maybe cried the first night for
Speaker 1: two minutes, and then he was fine after that and
Speaker 1: then he became accustomed to his bed. Um. Same thing
Speaker 1: with Kazeh. So it's yeah, you're just gonna have to
Speaker 1: do it. Bro want it up. Yeah, I mean just
Speaker 1: kick them out. No, just kick them out. But I'm
Speaker 1: saying there four and one, kick them out, take them
Speaker 1: out the bed, kick them outther Maybe most of the
Speaker 1: time parents have issues taking them out of bed, and
Speaker 1: it don't be the kids and be the parents. One
Speaker 1: parent wants to keep the child. It's realistically, these kids
Speaker 1: have to learn how to self suite, right, and who
Speaker 1: teaches them how to self suit us? As parents? Typically
Speaker 1: the problem is not that the child. The problem is
Speaker 1: one of the parents or both of the parents. They
Speaker 1: feel more comfortable with the child there. If y'all want
Speaker 1: the kids out the bed, they put them out the bed.
Speaker 1: But I was making a suggestion and that if they're
Speaker 1: one and four, there's they're young enough where maybe you
Speaker 1: can put them together, if they're used to having like
Speaker 1: a codependency or a sleep partner, put them together in
Speaker 1: the bed. Because my brother and I when were younger,
Speaker 1: slept together in the same bed, you know, while we
Speaker 1: were younger, and then eventually I grew that. But I
Speaker 1: don't think the problem is Seriously, I don't think the
Speaker 1: problem And this is what I think sometimes we do
Speaker 1: is we try to spoon feed to other people without
Speaker 1: dealing with what the issue is. When we make these suggestions,
Speaker 1: its just like, well, I can't get them out the
Speaker 1: bed because this one won't sleep this way or that one.
Speaker 1: I don't know, know. Those are all excuses that you've
Speaker 1: created in your mind and sometimes parents as a reason
Speaker 1: as to why the child needs to continue to sleep
Speaker 1: in the bed when realistically get them out of the bed.
Speaker 1: And I've seen that with a lot of couples, and
Speaker 1: we did that as well, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: Even with Jackson, he's by himself and he needs to
Speaker 1: do this us. And even with Kaz and Cairo, there
Speaker 1: were times when we made excuses for them because we
Speaker 1: felt better with them being in the bed. But then
Speaker 1: when we got tired of it, I'd be like, yo,
Speaker 1: go sleeping in bedroom, Do not leave this bed? And
Speaker 1: what would they do that to this day, because what
Speaker 1: do they do will be the one and they go
Speaker 1: to sleep in the bed. And ultimately, that's my point.
Speaker 1: Let's let's not give the child an excuse and say, oh,
Speaker 1: there's a reason why, because we don't know how. Parents
Speaker 1: know how you just feel better as a parent. And
Speaker 1: I'm guilty of it too, Like there's some nights still
Speaker 1: where I'm just like, they're just so cute in their bed,
Speaker 1: Let's bring them in our bed. Agree with Jason's big agree,
Speaker 1: it's five ft self. I agree. You know what I mean,
Speaker 1: And you've got to break that mentality, and that's that's
Speaker 1: my thing. And not to make it seem like you
Speaker 1: weren't making a valid point, because you were, but I
Speaker 1: was just saying, it's the mentality of getting them out
Speaker 1: the bed as opposed to the systematic approach. You know,
Speaker 1: the systematic approach. They know what to do with their kids,
Speaker 1: get them out the bed. That's it, all right, Hey,
Speaker 1: Codeine and Devol. First off, I want to say I
Speaker 1: love you guys and love listening to y'all's podcast. Thank
Speaker 1: you so much. I love how y'all start your listening totters.
Speaker 1: A little shout out love because we love y'all back.
Speaker 1: I'm thirty two from Brooklyn book book, but it was like,
Speaker 1: that's very flat bush of you. Um, and I often
Speaker 1: use a lot of your topics to have discussions with
Speaker 1: my booth than He and I have been together for
Speaker 1: eight years and married for three, and we have two kids,
Speaker 1: five years old and two months old. I love his
Speaker 1: annoying as dearly, which is why I'm even writing this. Okay,
Speaker 1: So moving in together five years ago, we realized that
Speaker 1: sex has always been an area of discussion for us,
Speaker 1: mainly because I'm one of those women who has a
Speaker 1: higher sex driver than her man. I always wanted and
Speaker 1: he's more of a two to three times a week
Speaker 1: is all right for me. UM also usually the initiator,
Speaker 1: which can be annoying at times. We get into the
Speaker 1: riffs about the consistency of sex and I always end
Speaker 1: up upset, which leads him to trying to be more
Speaker 1: consistent for about a week or two, and then we
Speaker 1: end up in the same ass boat That sounds familiar.
Speaker 1: Before we get back into the process of having sex
Speaker 1: after having our second child, I want to make sure
Speaker 1: that we're on the same page and sex becomes bomb again.
Speaker 1: At this point, should we consider some type of sex
Speaker 1: therapy or just a counselor Yeah, that's literally the reverse
Speaker 1: of what we were dealing with, which there are people
Speaker 1: who deal with that too, exactly. There are women who
Speaker 1: deal with who have higher sex drives. I mean that's
Speaker 1: interesting because I don't know what it's like to have
Speaker 1: a higher sex drive than a man. But you know,
Speaker 1: the frustration with having somebody who is not meeting your
Speaker 1: knees because to me, when I hear two or three times,
Speaker 1: become like, oh, we Gucci. Meanwhile, she's like that's not enough.
Speaker 1: Even after the children too, She's she's still, she's still
Speaker 1: there and I envy this, and he's probably making her
Speaker 1: feel like a sexual deviant from wanting to have sex
Speaker 1: more often. He's probably like, he's probably like, how could
Speaker 1: you still want to have sex? Because that's how I
Speaker 1: felt sometimes. You know, as the initiator. It does get
Speaker 1: annoying at times to always be the initiator, or you
Speaker 1: start to feel like they is that person not into me.
Speaker 1: You want to be wanted, Yeah, you want to be wanted.
Speaker 1: Everyone wants that, that feeling of wanting to be wanted. Um,
Speaker 1: I think you can revert back to what we've spoken
Speaker 1: about today, honestly, Sis, I mean, I'm looking at what
Speaker 1: you talked about. Y'all have two kids five and two months, Um,
Speaker 1: so those are distractions. Sometimes those distractions. What is the
Speaker 1: environment looking like? Um? You know, is he taking the
Speaker 1: initiative to then trying to meet you have way there
Speaker 1: by trying to reciprocate the instigation every now and again,
Speaker 1: and it's like, why are you guys falling into that rut? Well,
Speaker 1: she said that he tries and then falls and the
Speaker 1: falls off and then it comes rut. Because it comes
Speaker 1: back to what we've had to deal with was if
Speaker 1: this is not something natural that you want to do,
Speaker 1: you do it for your mate. But then if it's
Speaker 1: not something you naturally want to do, you naturally go
Speaker 1: back to what's comfortable for you. So it's not like
Speaker 1: you're dismissing your mate. And you never were dismissing me,
Speaker 1: even though I felt at times I was being dismissed.
Speaker 1: But it's like I was trying to do that and
Speaker 1: keep up, but I, you know, naturally I go back
Speaker 1: to what is comfortable for me, and he's doing the
Speaker 1: same thing. Right, Yeah, Because that's for sure. After we'd
Speaker 1: have our discussions, I'd be like, all right, good, this
Speaker 1: is what I'm gonna do, and I would like focus
Speaker 1: on it, and then life we're kicking in. I kick
Speaker 1: in again, and then before I knew it, I was
Speaker 1: back into the same pattern of things. But like you said,
Speaker 1: there's like a comfort zone, like a level of comfort
Speaker 1: that you kind of convert back to whenever you're it's
Speaker 1: doesn't come to you naturally. UM, I think you guys,
Speaker 1: it's worth maybe talking to somebody about it. UM, speaking
Speaker 1: out loud where the feelings are, where there may be
Speaker 1: some some disconnects. Um. You know the fact that you
Speaker 1: guys are already having kind of discussions about it, it's helpful.
Speaker 1: Don't stop talking about it. Doesn't matter how monotonous it seems.
Speaker 1: There's always breakthroughs when you have conversations. We've talked about
Speaker 1: sex where we talked about it so much that I
Speaker 1: would just like, that's the minute I heard the word mentally,
Speaker 1: it just took me to a very negative place because
Speaker 1: that was just like, but where we go again. But
Speaker 1: here's the thing. It matters to me. But it also
Speaker 1: is when someone is I think at the deficit. A
Speaker 1: lot of people, not just women, men and women don't
Speaker 1: want to be accountable for being at the deficit of something.
Speaker 1: So when you're discussing something that there may be at
Speaker 1: a deficit at they don't want to keep talking about
Speaker 1: it because they have to look in the mirror and
Speaker 1: be like, maybe I'm the problem. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: It's hard for someone to realize that and keep realizing
Speaker 1: that over and over again. So the fact that they're
Speaker 1: having the conversations are good. What I'll say is is
Speaker 1: that since she's the one with the higher sex drive,
Speaker 1: just like I'm the one with the higher sex drive
Speaker 1: in our relationship, what she should try to do is
Speaker 1: try to find ways to increase his liking for sex
Speaker 1: like I have done with you, really like taking taking
Speaker 1: pride and understanding how your body was, just sex language
Speaker 1: like his sex language or intimacy language, like what what
Speaker 1: turns him on? Find because I had to do my
Speaker 1: research and finding out what terms my wife on what
Speaker 1: is going on? Why is she keep putting up the
Speaker 1: gate like what am I not doing? Or what am
Speaker 1: I doing? And asking those questions constantly never gets old
Speaker 1: because to do that as couple of years in and
Speaker 1: married for three, like this is the decision you made.
Speaker 1: We don't have that newness factor where it's like you
Speaker 1: meet somebody for the first time and it's like, you know,
Speaker 1: we don't have that as married people. However, I was
Speaker 1: gonna say, however, you can try to create those instances
Speaker 1: by knowing what your partner likes by all going on vacation.
Speaker 1: I'll say this, I'm going to if this is gonna
Speaker 1: be a moment of truth, part of the moment of
Speaker 1: truth is changing your environment and experiencing different things with
Speaker 1: that same purpose purpose intrigues their sexual drive. I've I've
Speaker 1: learned that with Codeine. You know what. Another episode that
Speaker 1: we did, I'm not sure how it's going to play out,
Speaker 1: but we talked about the list of twenty things from
Speaker 1: the married couple over twenty years, right, and one thing
Speaker 1: that I think they both had on their list was
Speaker 1: like go on vacations or plan vacations or something like that.
Speaker 1: And I think each of them said it in their
Speaker 1: own way, but they both after twenty years of marriage,
Speaker 1: in their top twenty things that they felt like was
Speaker 1: necessary in making their marriage thrive, it was taking a
Speaker 1: break and going on vacation. But but not but not
Speaker 1: just a typical vacation where you you know, say, say
Speaker 1: your vacation idea is to go to Virginia Beach. Y'all
Speaker 1: go to Virginia Beach and go to the same hotel
Speaker 1: and do the same thing. Because even that, even though
Speaker 1: it's a vacation, becomes monotonous. No, go on a vacation
Speaker 1: where you experience a different part of the world, experience
Speaker 1: a different challenge, collectively, experience a different adventure. Because I've
Speaker 1: noticed that when we do things that are different that
Speaker 1: you've never done before, you get aroused, like you you know,
Speaker 1: like this is an exciting babe, Like you'll you'll touch me,
Speaker 1: you'll rub me, and and it's exciting for me to
Speaker 1: see you do things. Um. I remember when we went
Speaker 1: when we went to Jay Mountain and we ran up
Speaker 1: the mountain as a as opposed to taking the bus.
Speaker 1: You don't like working out, but at the top of
Speaker 1: the mountain you were just like that was that was
Speaker 1: kind of good and you were all sweaty. I was sweaty.
Speaker 1: And then we got a second workout and when we
Speaker 1: got to the law. But I think that's important, and
Speaker 1: I don't think people really think about that. Like Jade Mountain,
Speaker 1: her all these things cause money. So young lady, I
Speaker 1: don't you know, make sure you put money away to
Speaker 1: Jade Mountain, your uh, your husband bay or I mean
Speaker 1: any resort or wherever you're trying to go to or whatever.
Speaker 1: We were just speaking from experience, because we had a
Speaker 1: bomb time there. We did have a bomb time day.
Speaker 1: We had some great sex there. I'm trying to think
Speaker 1: of some other places. We went to d R and
Speaker 1: we did the zip lining. I remember the night we
Speaker 1: came back from zip minding. We had some bomb sex
Speaker 1: after that. Then I was swinging from the chandeliers at
Speaker 1: the hotel and even even places in Brooklyn. Where did
Speaker 1: we go to Brooken? We went somewhere in Brooklyn and
Speaker 1: we did something different. But I remember that night it
Speaker 1: was just like, oh, when we went for your birthday,
Speaker 1: I went got you, I surprised you, took your shopping,
Speaker 1: May did all of these things for you, and we
Speaker 1: have that night. You're in the city that night and
Speaker 1: we have bomb sex. But it was something different that
Speaker 1: made that experience seem like this is the first time
Speaker 1: I'm having sex with that person. If you could and
Speaker 1: you know what, I think that may be a key
Speaker 1: that we could start to save it for your moment
Speaker 1: of truth. I'm gonna do that, all right. If you
Speaker 1: would like to be featured as one of our listener letters,
Speaker 1: make sure you'll email us dead as Advice at gmail
Speaker 1: dot com. That's D D A S S A D
Speaker 1: V I C E at gmail dot com. You want
Speaker 1: to see the emails overflowing, you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: and tell us some more stuff about what you want
Speaker 1: to hear, what I want to talk about. We're always
Speaker 1: open to that too. Okay, all right, moment of truth,
Speaker 1: tim you're about to spill the beans on your moment
Speaker 1: of truth, go ahead and say, well, so this is
Speaker 1: my moment of truth for men and women who are
Speaker 1: looking to and invigorate your love life. Right, Two things
Speaker 1: I want you to focus on. Number one, make sure
Speaker 1: that the contraceptive that you're using is conducive to your
Speaker 1: love life. We didn't like condoms, we didn't like the pill,
Speaker 1: we didn't like the I U D. Ultimately don't like
Speaker 1: any form of contraceptive. So that may mean that I
Speaker 1: have to U S A S dB snip them balls
Speaker 1: I get my daughter. We may have to do that,
Speaker 1: but of course, pay attention to the contraceptive. And number two,
Speaker 1: if you really want to invigorate and keep that flame going,
Speaker 1: find different things to do with your spouse other than
Speaker 1: the norm. When I mean different, I don't mean just travel.
Speaker 1: Do different physical activities that get that to stop some
Speaker 1: from that estrogen. Move into that you can, you know,
Speaker 1: get into that mode, let off those pheromones, be around
Speaker 1: each other, be active together, and that will definitely invigorate
Speaker 1: your bed whom I honestly wholeheartedly believe that. I like that. Um,
Speaker 1: my moment of truth is uh to be relentless in
Speaker 1: your pursuit of what is the root of your problem.
Speaker 1: And that can be in life, but because we're talking
Speaker 1: about sex, um, particularly with your sex life, be willing
Speaker 1: to go the extra mile to put your ego aside
Speaker 1: to except that you may have a deficit, and then
Speaker 1: be relentless in the pursuit of finding out what is
Speaker 1: the root of that issue. Because with me, I really
Speaker 1: had to think, um no, but I really had to
Speaker 1: like dive deep and just say I felt like I
Speaker 1: was the inadequate one. I felt like there was you
Speaker 1: know this inferior. You know, um, what's what's inferior? Superior?
Speaker 1: The word there's like the superior, inferior thing that was happening,
Speaker 1: and I was always the one with the deficit. And
Speaker 1: that was heartbreaking for me because I felt like my
Speaker 1: husband deserved more based on everything that he was putting
Speaker 1: out UM and and in the efforts that you were
Speaker 1: making to make sure that I was having a good
Speaker 1: experience sexually, you just weren't getting the best out of me.
Speaker 1: So whatever it is, UM, male or female, whoever has
Speaker 1: the deficit, don't feel ashamed to get some help, to
Speaker 1: reach out, to explore, to figure out what maybe missing,
Speaker 1: because that one little thing, that one little change in
Speaker 1: our routine that will change in my overall physical health.
Speaker 1: I would say it was like the key to It
Speaker 1: was a key unlocking that door for us. And just
Speaker 1: a piggyback of what you just said, Like you said,
Speaker 1: be relentless, keep having a conversation as as monotonous as
Speaker 1: you think. The conversation is. When you stop having a
Speaker 1: conversation and you stop trying, that's when is over. That's
Speaker 1: when is over. As long as you're continuously having a conversation.
Speaker 1: That's true. That's true because you just say to me,
Speaker 1: at one point, when I stopped talking about it. Then
Speaker 1: we should be worried, absolutely, because then I don't candlem it.
Speaker 1: I felt that to the core. I was like, why
Speaker 1: I want you to always be worried talking about it
Speaker 1: as annoying as it was, and here we are. I
Speaker 1: want to keep having this conversation because that means that
Speaker 1: sex is still being had or we're still invested in
Speaker 1: each other. Exactly, sure, exactly, All right, y'all. Hope that
Speaker 1: helped you all out there, especially our married couples who
Speaker 1: have been in situations. Yes, there is a breakthrough coming
Speaker 1: if you keep working towards it. We are a proof
Speaker 1: of it. We are a proof of it. That's a fact.
Speaker 1: Be sure to follow us on social media. All I
Speaker 1: did ask the podcast, and of course you can find
Speaker 1: me convene I am and I am devouting. If you're
Speaker 1: listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, review, and subscribe.
Speaker 1: Dead Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast
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