Speaker 1: Hi there. Before this episode begins, I want to make
Speaker 1: sure you know that this series gets into some things
Speaker 1: that might be triggering to some listeners, specifically depression and suicide.
Speaker 1: If you or someone that you know is struggling with
Speaker 1: suicidal thoughts, please seek assistance from a mental health professional,
Speaker 1: or visit the National Institute of Mental Health website at
Speaker 1: n I m H dot ni H dot g o
Speaker 1: V for resources. If you're in crisis right now, you
Speaker 1: can call one hundred to seven three talk that's eight,
Speaker 1: or text Hello to one to talk to someone right away.
Speaker 1: Thanks for listening. Picture you're on a roller coaster. You
Speaker 1: sit down, strap yourself in. It's the moment of decision.
Speaker 1: There's no going back. The ride begins. First, there's a
Speaker 1: small drop, just enough to give the car the momentum
Speaker 1: it needs before the real start, the big climb. The
Speaker 1: car hooks into the chain with a jolt, and the
Speaker 1: chain begins pulling you up. You rise slowly, so slow,
Speaker 1: it's torturous. Maybe you squeeze your eyes shut, overcome with
Speaker 1: delicious anticipation and just listen to the clanking and clicking
Speaker 1: as you ascend. Or maybe you survey your surroundings, seeing
Speaker 1: farther and farther out. The higher you go either way,
Speaker 1: it begins to feel like the climb will never end,
Speaker 1: But eventually it does. You reach the top, you know
Speaker 1: what comes next. First, though, the car sits at the apex,
Speaker 1: it's as if the whole world has come to a standstill,
Speaker 1: like you're so high up the laws of time no
Speaker 1: longer apply. A moment feels like ours. Everything is absolutely motionless.
Speaker 1: Maybe you hear some distant screaming far off, some people
Speaker 1: on another ride across the part, but up here it's
Speaker 1: like you're suspended and amber a moment of perfect, terrifying stillness.
Speaker 1: I think that's kind of where we are with this show.
Speaker 1: For the last three episodes, we've been working up the
Speaker 1: coaster together. It's rickety beams starting to prove they can
Speaker 1: hold weight. But now we're here. It's the point where
Speaker 1: I'm supposed to do the big reveal, the big drop.
Speaker 1: But before I do, before I finally tell you how,
Speaker 1: Yes I did connect with Alice, and yes she did
Speaker 1: indeed sound just like Britney spears, and yes, our conversation
Speaker 1: filled in a missing peace i'd felt since getting alex
Speaker 1: Is Goodbye email. I want to sit here with you
Speaker 1: for a second at the top the pinnacle. I want
Speaker 1: to look out at the world we've got in front
Speaker 1: of us and tell you the truth of how I'm
Speaker 1: feeling at this stage in our story. The truth is
Speaker 1: that I'm terrified. Yeah, I'm the guy who walks at
Speaker 1: the front of my friend group at every hunted house,
Speaker 1: but I'm also the person who has a hard time
Speaker 1: putting my faith in anything, and right now I'm scared
Speaker 1: to take the leap. See. When I was just looking
Speaker 1: for Alice, it was like I was playing a game,
Speaker 1: submitting to one of Alex's fantasies. But now it's real.
Speaker 1: Alice is within reach. She's a real person, and I'm
Speaker 1: afraid she might slip between my fingers, just like Alex didn't.
Speaker 1: Until now, I've been telling this neat story about trying
Speaker 1: to find the unfindable playing investigator in one of Alex's
Speaker 1: fantastical games. But here we are. I found what I
Speaker 1: was looking for, and it feels like it could all
Speaker 1: fall apart at any moment. I'm Chris Stedmond and this
Speaker 1: is unread episode four. Give me a sign open still say.
Speaker 1: When I first find Alice, the steaks don't feel nearly
Speaker 1: so high. That's because I assume I'm just reaching out
Speaker 1: to a copycat, someone who took her Twitter user name
Speaker 1: after she disappeared. I'm looking for someone named Alice, I write,
Speaker 1: someone who sounds like Britney spears and used to appear
Speaker 1: in voice chat rooms with Britney fans many years ago.
Speaker 1: A friend of mine used to text with her, I say,
Speaker 1: and he died, so I'm trying to track her down.
Speaker 1: I'm assuming your name was just inspired by her, but
Speaker 1: I'm wondering if you know anything about her or where
Speaker 1: I might find her. But to my surprise, she says
Speaker 1: that it could have been her. She also says there
Speaker 1: was another person with a similar user name, though, and
Speaker 1: people would mix them up. She asks who my friend was,
Speaker 1: and I tell her his name was Alex. There are
Speaker 1: only two Alex's in my phone, she says, and I'm
Speaker 1: still in touch with both. But then she realizes she
Speaker 1: has a third Alex in her phone. I'm actually talking
Speaker 1: to show she when it happens, hold on, Oh my god,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry she did. What did she say? She said,
Speaker 1: I have and more Alex in my contacts, and he
Speaker 1: went by Alex Germanada, like Lady Gaga's last name. Could
Speaker 1: that be him? You think question mark, Yeah, that's possible.
Speaker 1: He always used celebrity names as a pseudonym show. She suggests,
Speaker 1: I give Alice the area code for Alex's phone number
Speaker 1: to see if it's a match. A little over nine
Speaker 1: hours later, Alice responds again, saying it's not. My heart
Speaker 1: sinks he must have been talking with someone else, maybe
Speaker 1: the other person Alice mentioned, the one people sometimes confuse
Speaker 1: her with. But then a couple of minutes later she
Speaker 1: sends another message, wait, and then, oh my god. Could
Speaker 1: he have gone by ambient Ambient short for Ambient Hollow,
Speaker 1: The same name Show, she tells me, was one of
Speaker 1: Alex's first email addresses, the same name he used on
Speaker 1: the Brittany forum when he met Dua. So I asked
Speaker 1: Alice again about the area code, this time for Ambient.
Speaker 1: She responds, and it's a match. Just to be sure,
Speaker 1: I asked her to give me the next three numbers
Speaker 1: of his phone number. Again a match there she was.
Speaker 1: Just over a year after Alex's death. I found her.
Speaker 1: Finding Alice feels like sitting at the top of one
Speaker 1: of Alex's beloved coasters, the same mix of euphoria and dread.
Speaker 1: You get right before that drop At first time overjoyed,
Speaker 1: caught up in giddy shock. On some level, I never
Speaker 1: thought i'd actually find her, certainly not as soon as
Speaker 1: I did. But then very quickly the dread rushes in.
Speaker 1: I've just broken the news that someone she knew had died.
Speaker 1: I had been living with the reality of Alex's death
Speaker 1: for a year, but for her it was brand new information.
Speaker 1: Her next messages are devastating. They had been good friends.
Speaker 1: She says, she can't believe he's gone. I offer what
Speaker 1: little I can, my sympathy and a willingness to answer
Speaker 1: any questions she has. We keep chatting late into the
Speaker 1: night and early morning. At one point I pose the question,
Speaker 1: would she be willing to do an interview so that
Speaker 1: I could ask her about Alex, their relationship, and who
Speaker 1: she is. She replies, yeah, okay, I'll do it for him.
Speaker 1: I'm overcome. We set a time to talk in a
Speaker 1: few days. We message on and off the next day,
Speaker 1: talking about Alex and our grief over his death. The
Speaker 1: day after that, though, I opened my d M s
Speaker 1: to see a new message, my heart sinks again. She's
Speaker 1: pulling out she wants to help, but she doesn't want
Speaker 1: to do an interview. I understand, I say, emphasizing that
Speaker 1: I don't want her to do anything she's uncomfortable with.
Speaker 1: But I tell her I hope we can still chat
Speaker 1: so I can learn more about her connection with Alex.
Speaker 1: I send my response and stuffed my phone back into
Speaker 1: my pocket, terrified that the next time I pull it
Speaker 1: out to look at my d MS, she'll be gone.
Speaker 1: As I wait to hear back from Alice, I'm drowning
Speaker 1: an uncertainty. It feels a little bit like the day
Speaker 1: after I got Alex's goodbye email, when I waited to
Speaker 1: hear if my friend who was prone to disappearing had
Speaker 1: disappeared for the last time. I had no clue what
Speaker 1: to do with myself. The day after getting his email,
Speaker 1: after lying awake in bed most of the night, I
Speaker 1: got up early and just wandered Minneapolis with my dog,
Speaker 1: trudging without direction in a days. Eventually, while wandering, my
Speaker 1: mind drifted to Alex's visit to Minnesota. How the one
Speaker 1: thing he wanted to do was ride those indoor coasters
Speaker 1: at the Mall of America. I wanted to feel close
Speaker 1: to him, so I decided to go ride the ones
Speaker 1: he loved. His favorite was the rock Bottom Plunge. The
Speaker 1: name is funny, but that's not why Alex loved it.
Speaker 1: It's probably the most intense ride the mall has to offer.
Speaker 1: It begins with a steep climb basically ninety degrees straight
Speaker 1: up to a peak just below the theme park's glass ceiling.
Speaker 1: That peak is followed by a sheer drop, one so
Speaker 1: steep and fast it gives you the momentum you need
Speaker 1: to make it through the loop that follows. It was
Speaker 1: a week day and the mall was pretty empty. There
Speaker 1: was no line, and I basically had the coaster to myself.
Speaker 1: As the ride slowly climbed, I felt all my anxiety
Speaker 1: over the unknowns of Alex's death grow. But eventually I
Speaker 1: reached the top. It was perfectly quiet and then the drop.
Speaker 1: For just a moment, as we plummeted straight down to
Speaker 1: the ground, I felt all my uncertainties leave, like we
Speaker 1: were going fast enough to outrun them. As the coaster
Speaker 1: carried me around the loop, turning the world on its access,
Speaker 1: I swore I could hear Alex's laugh so infectious I
Speaker 1: couldn't help but join in After the ride, I went
Speaker 1: to one of the food courts, where I got confirmation
Speaker 1: that they found his body. I stayed there for a while,
Speaker 1: my food got cold. Eventually I walked back to the
Speaker 1: theme park in the mall's center, not to ride this time,
Speaker 1: just to watch the coaster loop again and again. Alex
Speaker 1: had two coaster tattoos, and I'd later commemorate this moment
Speaker 1: by getting one of them while face timing with shows Do,
Speaker 1: I got the other. In the months that followed, both
Speaker 1: Beth and show She would visit Minnesota and ride the
Speaker 1: same ster with me. It became iconography for our shared grief,
Speaker 1: a totem to the joy Alex brought into our lives,
Speaker 1: to how he could always make us laugh, even in
Speaker 1: the moments when everything felt upside down. While I wait
Speaker 1: for Alice's next message, I go digging back into all
Speaker 1: the material Alex left behind. He left a lot, all
Speaker 1: organized for us. Here's show she the keeper of his files.
Speaker 1: Everything was very purposeful. He had all of his important
Speaker 1: paperwork all labeled. It was very specific. I've never heard honestly,
Speaker 1: and I'm sure it exists, but I've never heard of
Speaker 1: anyone who did so much sort of purposeful planning. It's
Speaker 1: not common. I'm part of so many suicide grief groups,
Speaker 1: and I mean, I haven't even heard of one other
Speaker 1: story that's like his. Alex not only ordered all of
Speaker 1: his documents, belongings, and digital files, he also put together
Speaker 1: a bunch of stuff for us, playlists of his favorite
Speaker 1: songs on Spotify, a collection of YouTube videos that made
Speaker 1: him laugh or helped him relax, and a Google folder,
Speaker 1: all of which he directed us to, and his goodbye emails.
Speaker 1: The Google folder has a lot of photos from his life,
Speaker 1: but there are also a ton of pictures of Brittany
Speaker 1: memes and screenshots of his online antics. It's where I
Speaker 1: found Alex's prying pregnancy Facebook post, and there are also
Speaker 1: grabs of his many suspended Twitter accounts. My favorite was
Speaker 1: the one he made pretending to be customer service for
Speaker 1: six Flags. He began as a parody, but then he
Speaker 1: started actually helping people. Most of the screenshots and memes
Speaker 1: are snapshots of his online play but three of them
Speaker 1: feel very different from the rest. The first of these
Speaker 1: is a meme. It's a close up photo of a
Speaker 1: person whispering into someone's ear, followed by another photo of
Speaker 1: arm hairs standing on end, a common meme for Matt.
Speaker 1: The accompanying text, I won't abandon you when your mental
Speaker 1: illness acts up. This was something Alex talked to me
Speaker 1: about several times, how some people only wanted to be
Speaker 1: around him when he was at his most functioning. James
Speaker 1: remembers the time they were getting ready to hang out
Speaker 1: after an extended time apart, and how shortly before he left,
Speaker 1: Alex texted him to give him a heads up that
Speaker 1: he wasn't feeling like he would be the life of
Speaker 1: the party that day. He was apologetic and said he
Speaker 1: understood if James didn't want to meet up to hear
Speaker 1: him mentioned that he was self conscious about hanging out
Speaker 1: with me because he wasn't going to be like you
Speaker 1: know on in Big Air quotes um, that he wasn't
Speaker 1: going to be as fun to be around. It broke
Speaker 1: my heart to hear him say that. To feel that
Speaker 1: you have to be able to perform just to be
Speaker 1: around people, and that's the only like valid reason to
Speaker 1: see they see to be around you is um, that's tough.
Speaker 1: There are two more things that jump out at me
Speaker 1: and Alex's Google folder. One is a quote from the
Speaker 1: Ascent of Humanity, a book by Charles Eisenstein that will
Speaker 1: come back to in a second. The other is a
Speaker 1: news clipping about a British man who took his life
Speaker 1: after he was denied government assistance despite his physical disabilities
Speaker 1: and mental illness. Because this man was denied assistance, the
Speaker 1: clipping said, he couldn't afford to eat or pay rent,
Speaker 1: and shortly before he was set to be evicted from
Speaker 1: his home, ended up taking his life. While he was alive,
Speaker 1: Alex regularly tried to seek out care, often at our urging,
Speaker 1: but ultimately felt like he couldn't get the assistance he
Speaker 1: needed in the health care system as it exists right now.
Speaker 1: He also died with a great deal of debt. Leaving
Speaker 1: this news clipping among his photos and memes felt like
Speaker 1: a clear message about how the world treats people who
Speaker 1: struggle about how it sometimes isn't enough to have a
Speaker 1: support system of friends, like Alex did after finding it.
Speaker 1: I tell Shoshi about the news clipping that Eisenstein quote
Speaker 1: comes up to. I think that was one thing that
Speaker 1: maybe a lot of people didn't really know about him,
Speaker 1: was how deeply he really felt about society and about
Speaker 1: the way society treated a lot of people, especially those
Speaker 1: who were destitute or ill, whether physically or mentally. He
Speaker 1: felt very strongly about that. It actually reminds me. There
Speaker 1: was one other thing in UM the Google folder. It's
Speaker 1: this quote from a book, and it says, we find
Speaker 1: in our culture a loneliness and hunger for authenticity that
Speaker 1: may well be unsurpassed in history. We try to build community,
Speaker 1: not realizing that mere intention is not enough. When separation
Speaker 1: is built into the very social and physical infrastructure of
Speaker 1: our society, to the extent that this infrastructure is intact
Speaker 1: in our lives, we will never experience community. Wow, it
Speaker 1: just made me think about between that and then this
Speaker 1: um this screenshot of this news story. I think that
Speaker 1: it was not not a factor in Alex's decision, that
Speaker 1: his life was difficult and the world was not set
Speaker 1: up for someone like him to thrive. I one think
Speaker 1: that that was a factor. And I look at these
Speaker 1: things in the Google folder and I see little like
Speaker 1: breadcrumbs in a way of being like, this is part
Speaker 1: of why I made this decision, you know. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: think that he left those things specifically for that reason.
Speaker 1: I mean, he didn't just leave some random news article
Speaker 1: or you know, page of a book with all of
Speaker 1: these pictures. What he chose to leave was very specific,
Speaker 1: which does bring back the al you know, I mean,
Speaker 1: he was very specific. UM. I do really think that
Speaker 1: one of the reasons that he did do what he
Speaker 1: did was he had a series a tech it for society.
Speaker 1: There are a lot of reasons to hate the world
Speaker 1: as it exists right now, especially when you struggle with
Speaker 1: mental health. There are just so many obstacles. After Alex died,
Speaker 1: I couldn't stop thinking about Alice. But I also couldn't
Speaker 1: stop thinking about all the challenges he faced, about how
Speaker 1: there are so many barriers for people who struggle in
Speaker 1: the ways Alex did. And while waiting to hear from
Speaker 1: Alice makes me feel uncertain thinking about Alex's obstacles fills
Speaker 1: me with rage. Whether or not I can talk to Alice.
Speaker 1: I wanted to talk to someone who can help me
Speaker 1: understand how we might better support people in Alex's position.
Speaker 1: Um I v staclo um I use he him pronouns.
Speaker 1: I work as hotline program director at trans Lifeline, which
Speaker 1: is a nationwide US trans lad nonprofit that does director
Speaker 1: of US work. I reached out to trans Lifeline for
Speaker 1: a few reasons. Though what first caught my attention about
Speaker 1: them is that they appear to be the only crisis
Speaker 1: line that has a no non consensual intervention policy, meaning
Speaker 1: they will not call the cops on someone who doesn't
Speaker 1: want them to. I V and I discussed why people
Speaker 1: in Alex's situation so often fall through the cracks. We
Speaker 1: talked for a long time, and I'm going to play
Speaker 1: just a little of our conversation without interruption because I
Speaker 1: found what I V shared so helpful. So a big
Speaker 1: part of the reason I think why suicidality is viewed
Speaker 1: and presented the way that it is here in particular,
Speaker 1: is because realistically speaking, right, let's say, like let's take
Speaker 1: us as trans people, it is a very rational response
Speaker 1: to not want to be alive in a society that
Speaker 1: doesn't want you to be alive. Right, That's a very
Speaker 1: normal thing. But the way that it's portrayed is that
Speaker 1: you're having this crazy, irrational moment that will just pass
Speaker 1: with the right amount of intervention and like the right
Speaker 1: amount of like keeping you from doing whatever you feel
Speaker 1: you need to do. And so I think that in
Speaker 1: order to address suicidality and address mental health crisis, especially
Speaker 1: like from you know, what's called minority stress, right, Like
Speaker 1: from the experiences that marginalized people have in the society
Speaker 1: day in and day out. It would require society to
Speaker 1: recognize that it is profoundly unjust. Right, It would require
Speaker 1: society to recognize that suicidality and crisis are normal and
Speaker 1: rational responses to the way that people are being treated.
Speaker 1: And that I think is the root of actually addressing crisis.
Speaker 1: Is people need to have social rights, people need to
Speaker 1: have economic rights. Yeah, this is a really reductive way
Speaker 1: of putting it, but it's like making mental health care
Speaker 1: proactive instead of just reactive. Right, And then if you
Speaker 1: have that fundamental understanding, right, I think it's a lot
Speaker 1: easier to build systems that are actually based on empathy
Speaker 1: and based on actual understanding. Um. You know, if you
Speaker 1: look at mental health responses that exist in other countries,
Speaker 1: they don't involve police at all. You know, there's profound
Speaker 1: flaws with every system, there's profound flaws with every type
Speaker 1: of checking in on a person. But I think that
Speaker 1: you know, one of the best things we can do,
Speaker 1: and this is truly you know, it's a band aid
Speaker 1: on a huge, huge, gaping wound of injustice in this country.
Speaker 1: Just be there for each other. What's been your experience
Speaker 1: with this? You know, like, have you had conversations about
Speaker 1: other friends that your friend left behind? Obviously, you know,
Speaker 1: one of the things many people experience after someone ends
Speaker 1: their life is feelings of regret or guilt. Is there
Speaker 1: something I could have done differently? I've gone through all
Speaker 1: of that um and and I don't want to sort
Speaker 1: of just dismiss those feelings either. I want to take
Speaker 1: them seriously and say, Okay, what would I learn? What
Speaker 1: would I take from this and apply to my relationships
Speaker 1: moving forward? Are there moments when I, you know, I
Speaker 1: wish I would have asked more questions or you know,
Speaker 1: responded in another way, And so, you know, I just
Speaker 1: find myself thinking, like, on an individual level, how do
Speaker 1: I want my behavior to be towards the people I
Speaker 1: love moving forward? But also on a systemic level, what
Speaker 1: about this society failed alex? And what would I like
Speaker 1: to see transformed? I guess, yeah, I think those are
Speaker 1: all really good questions. And I think, you know, it's
Speaker 1: very easy, right in retrospect to find ways that something
Speaker 1: could have been in your power right to to adjust
Speaker 1: or to change um. And it's useful to think going forward,
Speaker 1: like how can I be more intentional about like listening
Speaker 1: to or being there for my friends and loved ones?
Speaker 1: You know, what are things that I could be paying
Speaker 1: attention to in terms of just being a better source
Speaker 1: of support, not necessarily with like the lens towards my
Speaker 1: friends might die if I don't do this, but just
Speaker 1: in general, right because we're all going through absolutely horrific
Speaker 1: times right now. We're all struggling right now, you know,
Speaker 1: in different ways. In terms of how to have better
Speaker 1: conversations about this. I think it's just a matter of
Speaker 1: putting the blame where it belongs. It's very, very very
Speaker 1: easy for us when we're talking to a person we
Speaker 1: care about in crisis, to blame the person in crisis
Speaker 1: or to take the onus on yourself right and say, oh,
Speaker 1: there's maybe maybe there's something I can do, because it
Speaker 1: helps you feel in control, It helps you feel like
Speaker 1: there must be something that this person can do to
Speaker 1: pull themselves up by their bootstraps and not feel this way.
Speaker 1: But I think that acknowledging that we exist under very
Speaker 1: unjust and deeply traumatizing circumstances especially for marginalized people. UM
Speaker 1: helps us to have more candid, more honest, and in
Speaker 1: the end, more fruitful conversations about how to survive it.
Speaker 1: A big part of why I'm so scared Alice might
Speaker 1: disappear is that we've connected online, a space that can
Speaker 1: be immensely freeing, as it was for Alex, but that
Speaker 1: also makes it easy to disappear. I asked Ivy about
Speaker 1: why people seek support in spaces where they can be anonymous,
Speaker 1: like the Internet. If you know that there is a
Speaker 1: possibility that if you say the wrong thing, somebody's going
Speaker 1: to come and either interact with you against your consent,
Speaker 1: or take you away somewhere, bring law enforcement to your door,
Speaker 1: you're just simply less likely to trust that resource, and
Speaker 1: you're less likely to be honest with somebody who's supposed
Speaker 1: to be supporting you. So truly, that's really the foundational
Speaker 1: element of that trust. Ultimately, I think that's why Alex
Speaker 1: went online in search of anonymous spaces where he could
Speaker 1: share what he was struggling with in ways he didn't
Speaker 1: even always share with those of us who knew him offline.
Speaker 1: He could trust them to keep his secrets. It's also
Speaker 1: why I want to talk to Alice, not to ask
Speaker 1: for his secrets, but to find out if that's true,
Speaker 1: if they shared that kind of trust. But I completely
Speaker 1: understand that she has no reason to trust me. I
Speaker 1: tell the Thor Daniels group that Alice says she's pulling
Speaker 1: out of our interview. Hoping to put her at ease,
Speaker 1: do I records a video appealing to her directly for
Speaker 1: me to pass along. It opens with him holding a
Speaker 1: banana to his ear like a phone. Oh hey, banana,
Speaker 1: Alice A long time not see? This is actually not
Speaker 1: a prop, but I do commedy well. I'm here to
Speaker 1: give you pros and cons of being on Where's Alice
Speaker 1: episode on the podcast. First of all, it has your
Speaker 1: name in it, so your nickname, so I think the
Speaker 1: star should always show up. That's like coming sense. Second
Speaker 1: of all, a minute I just did in my part
Speaker 1: with Chris and it was like a chill vibe. So um,
Speaker 1: I was in shed on tying each other when you
Speaker 1: were with Alex And let me tell you, like, the
Speaker 1: only thing I would really like for us to collaborate
Speaker 1: on the show is to bring the memories back. You know,
Speaker 1: people can take everything away from you, but they but
Speaker 1: they can never take memories away. And now that Alex
Speaker 1: is gone, it's kind of like something that we all
Speaker 1: just have his memories and well our members of him.
Speaker 1: It would be weird if we have his memories, cause,
Speaker 1: like del I don't know what I'm saying, but what
Speaker 1: I'm trying to say is that it was such a
Speaker 1: fantasy that you perform in that tiny chot because we
Speaker 1: thought for a minute it was real, Like is it
Speaker 1: really Brittany? You know about people? Maybe it will give
Speaker 1: people like moment about they listen to it and like,
Speaker 1: don't you love that moment? I do. Later that day
Speaker 1: while I wait for her to respond, James mentions he's
Speaker 1: found something interesting in one of the last text Alex
Speaker 1: sent him about a year before he ended his life.
Speaker 1: As it turns out, it's a photo of Alex next
Speaker 1: to a taxidermy bear in a pink wig. We hop
Speaker 1: on video chat to talk about it. He said to selfie,
Speaker 1: I said, you look great, but can we also please
Speaker 1: talk about the bear in the pink wig behind you?
Speaker 1: What's her name? Um? And he said Alice? He said
Speaker 1: what he said, Alice? What the hell? The skeptic in
Speaker 1: me wants to be like, Alice is a common name,
Speaker 1: but the other part of me is like, even if
Speaker 1: it's just subconscious, the fact that this name Alice is
Speaker 1: like what springs to mind for him when you're like,
Speaker 1: what's the name of this bear in the Brittany wig? Well,
Speaker 1: that's the thing. Like, immediately after he said the bear's
Speaker 1: name is Alice, he sent me a photo of a
Speaker 1: closer shot of the bear in the pink wig, and
Speaker 1: then photo shopped really poorly. Right next to it is
Speaker 1: Britney Spears in the pink wig. Like it's not a coincidence.
Speaker 1: It might seem trivial, but to me, it feels like
Speaker 1: confirmation that Alice really was still on Alex's mind. In
Speaker 1: the end, I want to tell her about it, but
Speaker 1: as far as I know, she's still not planning on talking.
Speaker 1: Midway into our chat, James and I take a bathroom break.
Speaker 1: When I get back to my computer, I have a
Speaker 1: new notification. Are you there? Hey, I'm back if you are,
Speaker 1: I just sat down. First of all, Okay, I have
Speaker 1: to share this because it literally has just happened right
Speaker 1: now as we're talking. But I just heard back from Alice.
Speaker 1: She's watched to do his video. She said, Oh, sweetheart,
Speaker 1: thank him so much for trying to help me gain
Speaker 1: the strength to participate in this. I appreciate it more
Speaker 1: than y'll know. I'm just extremely anxious when it comes
Speaker 1: to this stuff. That's why I never came back, like
Speaker 1: never came back online. She was gone for years and
Speaker 1: she only just came back, like right when I was
Speaker 1: looking for her. Oh gosh, I'm just I've had a
Speaker 1: stomach ache for the last three days straight. I can't
Speaker 1: I can't imagine. I'm not going to respond her immediately
Speaker 1: because I feel like this is such an online thing.
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm responding to her too quickly. It's
Speaker 1: like I'm texting with somebody who I just met on
Speaker 1: an app or something. I'm like feeling like I'm responding
Speaker 1: too quickly. I don't want to be. I'm trying to
Speaker 1: play it cool, you know, like you're texting Alex on Instagram,
Speaker 1: like afraid he's just going to disappear good. I don't
Speaker 1: end up waiting all that long because I'm afraid she'll
Speaker 1: slip between my fingers. We're still technically scheduled to talk
Speaker 1: the next morning, but as we chat, she's cag about
Speaker 1: whether she'll show just two hours before the time we
Speaker 1: originally said. She says she'll be there. I decided to
Speaker 1: go for a walk to calm down. It's January and
Speaker 1: the ground is coated in ice from a melt and refreeze.
Speaker 1: I'm nervous, I'm cold, I'm holding a piping hot coffee,
Speaker 1: and I wipe out hard. My left knee is bruised
Speaker 1: and blood blisters are forming on the hand. I used
Speaker 1: to try and catch myself, but I'm able to get
Speaker 1: up and hobble home. There's no way I'm missing this call.
Speaker 1: I sit down at my computer and stare at the
Speaker 1: screen with zoom open. I'm hesitant to do anything else
Speaker 1: while I wait in case. Alice only flits on the
Speaker 1: screen for a second and I miss her. A few
Speaker 1: minutes after our agreed upon meeting time, another user appears
Speaker 1: in the room. Like me, they've got their video turned off,
Speaker 1: but unlike my blank zoom avatar, there's an image the
Speaker 1: photo of Brittany in that Alice in Wonderland Halloween costume.
Speaker 1: You have to forgive me, but I know that you
Speaker 1: were expressing how nervous you were. I don't know if
Speaker 1: it helps any but I'm nervous to talk to you too.
Speaker 1: It's really sweet that you too, work so hard to
Speaker 1: find me, you know, and tell me. I just feel
Speaker 1: like there was a reason why he, you know, sent
Speaker 1: me the audio of you guys talking um in his
Speaker 1: goodbye email, and I just really wanted to find you.
Speaker 1: So I'm just very emotional about having found you, and
Speaker 1: I really appreciate your openness to talking with me, so
Speaker 1: thank you. Yeah. Do you know I really cared about him.
Speaker 1: That voice, it's Alice, it's really her. When you contracted me,
Speaker 1: I still didn't know what his real name was, but
Speaker 1: that didn't matter. You know. That's so interesting though, because
Speaker 1: you guys talked about such personal stuff. Yeah, yeah, we would,
Speaker 1: but not the not the small stock details, No, no,
Speaker 1: nothing like that. So was it mostly like about stuff
Speaker 1: that you guys were struggling with or just like sharing
Speaker 1: where you were at? Sometimes it was um, but sometimes
Speaker 1: it was also just you know, our favorite movies and
Speaker 1: just music and yeah, or Taco Bell. Yeah we're talking
Speaker 1: things like that. Yeah, he loved Taco Bell. It's weird,
Speaker 1: so weird to talk about him like this, you know,
Speaker 1: like in past tense, and it's hard just can't believe it.
Speaker 1: We talked about our grief for a while, But I
Speaker 1: also have a million questions. I asked about her voice.
Speaker 1: It's really how she talks, she says. I ask if
Speaker 1: she's brittany. She says she's not. I asked if she
Speaker 1: knew she sounded like her before the chats. She had
Speaker 1: a sense before a friend encouraged her to join in,
Speaker 1: she says, but it wasn't until she was there that
Speaker 1: she realized just how similar they sound. But mostly I
Speaker 1: want to know about her relationship with Alex. This was
Speaker 1: no fleeting connection, she explains. They kept in touch for years,
Speaker 1: mostly over text, but they would also talk on the phone,
Speaker 1: sometimes for hours. They understood one another in a very
Speaker 1: special way, she says. The conversations were like therapy open honest. No,
Speaker 1: he really understood. But I was going through like we
Speaker 1: had similar issues really, you know, with a deep depression
Speaker 1: and stuff like that. You know, he really understood when
Speaker 1: a lot of people, you know, they try to understand,
Speaker 1: but they don't, you know, if they haven't gone through
Speaker 1: that type of depression. And there's just so much you know,
Speaker 1: therapy can do because you know, they're professionals and stuff
Speaker 1: like that. But when it comes to like a person
Speaker 1: who really like understands, you know, there's nothing like that,
Speaker 1: nothing can be that. Is that part of why you
Speaker 1: would go online? Like were you going into because I
Speaker 1: know that's something Alex did, was he would go online
Speaker 1: to like connect with people and there was almost something
Speaker 1: about the anonymity of it that helped him feel more
Speaker 1: open to be able to share. Is that was that
Speaker 1: kind of your experience too? Yeah? I think so. And
Speaker 1: because of circumstances like I didn't really have access to
Speaker 1: my friends and stuff like that, so I would go
Speaker 1: on there and I would, like I had friends there.
Speaker 1: We would you know, we would hang out and it's
Speaker 1: like talk about all these things, you know, and it
Speaker 1: didn't matter really that it was on the internet because
Speaker 1: it felt it felt real. I mean, it is real. Um.
Speaker 1: You said when you talked a couple of times, it
Speaker 1: was like for hours. Was that was it like one
Speaker 1: of those things where you just sort of almost lose
Speaker 1: track of time because the conversation is going so many ways. Yes,
Speaker 1: sort of like you know when you're in love, you know,
Speaker 1: you lose track of time and you start talking and
Speaker 1: nothing and like nothing can stop you it's kind of
Speaker 1: like that. But obviously where you love. I mean, it
Speaker 1: sounds like you guys loved each other. Yeah, I loved him.
Speaker 1: Alex and Alice fell out of touch when he dropped
Speaker 1: out of most everyone else's lives. But as it turns out,
Speaker 1: it's in part because Alice changed her number around the
Speaker 1: same time Alex did. Can stop thinking about it, you know, like,
Speaker 1: why did I change my number that last time? Exactly
Speaker 1: when he did. He couldn't find me and I couldn't
Speaker 1: find him. Both of us just thought, you know, the
Speaker 1: other one one in space. And the thing is he
Speaker 1: did not want to be found, you know, I mean,
Speaker 1: that was what he wanted, was to disappear. You know.
Speaker 1: I tried texting him and I I just never heard back.
Speaker 1: He had a very dark view of the world sometimes.
Speaker 1: Can you say more about that? I'm interested in what
Speaker 1: he shared with you about it. I don't know if
Speaker 1: he thought this all the time, but sometimes he would say,
Speaker 1: you know that the world was an evil place and
Speaker 1: he wasn't happy. Yeah, try to tell him not to
Speaker 1: be so negative. You know, Alison Alex would share their
Speaker 1: darker truths with one another when they talked, because that's
Speaker 1: just how they both were. They would talk about the
Speaker 1: big things, their mental health, their views of the world,
Speaker 1: the meaning of life. Sometimes like it was so deep,
Speaker 1: like about God or the universe or stuff like that.
Speaker 1: She loved listening to him talk about anything. It's hard
Speaker 1: to find the words to describe him. Like you said,
Speaker 1: he was very unique. He was very mysterious and really sweet.
Speaker 1: M very smart, very very smart, one of the smartest people.
Speaker 1: He had an opinion about everything. It wasn't unusual for
Speaker 1: them to go awhile without talking, though. They would drift apart,
Speaker 1: sometimes for really long stretches, but they would always find
Speaker 1: their way back to one another eventually. Whenever they reunited,
Speaker 1: they dive right back into the deep end. He didn't
Speaker 1: like small talk, you know, so, No he didn't. We never,
Speaker 1: you know, did that, how are you? And what's going
Speaker 1: on with you and stuff like that. We would just
Speaker 1: jump right into conversation. He had no taste for small
Speaker 1: talk at all and just wanted to talk about what
Speaker 1: was real. Yeah, I was really like that. That's why
Speaker 1: he kept us in this life. Yeah, I think so.
Speaker 1: It wasn't all serious though. Alex always knew how to
Speaker 1: make Alice laugh. He knew when to be the funny
Speaker 1: guy totally. I think he could feel it if you
Speaker 1: were in a bad place. He would offer his humor
Speaker 1: to Alice as a gift, like he did for me
Speaker 1: in all the video messages and memes he sent whenever
Speaker 1: I was having a hard time. But while some people
Speaker 1: made Alex feel like they only valued him when he
Speaker 1: was the life of the party, he didn't have to
Speaker 1: put up a front with Alice. I think that he
Speaker 1: knew that he didn't have to be the funny tie
Speaker 1: with me. It's bittersweet, but I am so grateful to
Speaker 1: know that she and Alex really were friends, that it
Speaker 1: wasn't just some random brief interaction years ago. I still
Speaker 1: can't believe I really thought I wasn't going to find you.
Speaker 1: I'm so happy that I did. I wonder if there's
Speaker 1: a reason that he chose to find me. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: don't know. Maybe he maybe didn't give up because he
Speaker 1: knew it would be hard. He knew it would drive
Speaker 1: me up the wall. I know I've said this like
Speaker 1: twenty times, but I really just I'm so sorry. Yeah,
Speaker 1: So okay, hi everyone, Um, So I did talk to
Speaker 1: Alice this morning. Did just Moments after I've hung up
Speaker 1: with Alice, I'm on a call with the Thor Daniels group,
Speaker 1: who were all eagerly waiting to hear from me. So
Speaker 1: we talked literally up till ten minutes before I got
Speaker 1: on this call with all of you. So we talked
Speaker 1: for like. They asked the obvious burning questions. What was
Speaker 1: her voice? It was the same, It was the Brittany voice. Yeah,
Speaker 1: like that, that's insane. Wow. We debate a bit about
Speaker 1: whether or not she's Brittany because we're all clinging onto
Speaker 1: the fact that it's still Actually it's not very long.
Speaker 1: It could be, though, right, I mean, anything is ply possible.
Speaker 1: But I really don't think it's Brittany. I'm pretty convinced
Speaker 1: she isn't. But in a funny role reversal, my friends
Speaker 1: have now become the skeptics, and they are grilling me.
Speaker 1: Do you have her phone number? Have been late? Did
Speaker 1: she live in l A? Why do you all your
Speaker 1: little details? You want to know her? And look, in
Speaker 1: the end, I can't prove she isn't Brittany. I didn't
Speaker 1: do some of the things Kerry would probably advise me
Speaker 1: to do in order to verify her identity. I just
Speaker 1: got enough information to confirm they for sure knew one another,
Speaker 1: and the rest I take on faith. It's not what's
Speaker 1: important to me. And also I want to honor her
Speaker 1: friendship with Alex and the fact that they both sought
Speaker 1: out anonymous connections online. Even though they shared deep parts
Speaker 1: of their lives, he never shared his actual name, and
Speaker 1: I don't want to pry into the details she's chosen
Speaker 1: to withhold either, So I take her at her word
Speaker 1: that she's being honest. I set aside my skepticism and
Speaker 1: adopt the kind of faith Alex did when he logged on,
Speaker 1: because to me, what matters most, what is most real,
Speaker 1: isn't found in her name or any other detail about
Speaker 1: her life or identity. It's in hearing about the connection
Speaker 1: she and Alex shared and then sharing that with other
Speaker 1: people who loved him too. This is like the best
Speaker 1: ending to this. Yada's incredible. I can't believe it, really,
Speaker 1: Christ congratulations on finding Alice. Thank you, Thanks everyone, all
Speaker 1: of you for all your help. From being nice, it's Alice. Bit.
Speaker 1: When Alex entered our lives, many of us were worried
Speaker 1: about following life's rules, but he helped us see another possibility,
Speaker 1: another way of being in the world. I think that's
Speaker 1: one of the reasons why many of us where his
Speaker 1: friend is because even like if I knew, I was
Speaker 1: like still on my path, even just like spending a
Speaker 1: week with Alex was like a vacation from that path,
Speaker 1: and it just always felt like so good. People might
Speaker 1: look at Alex's wandering life and all of his online
Speaker 1: games and think he was irresponsible, But while exploring Alex's
Speaker 1: digital life and talking to his friends, I've come to
Speaker 1: realize that he just had a different understanding of what
Speaker 1: it means to be responsible. Like, well, I was prioritizing
Speaker 1: my career, Alex was prioritizing me. I think that Alex
Speaker 1: didn't see value when a lot of things that society
Speaker 1: asks us to put our time into. But he valued
Speaker 1: his friendships, you know, And he didn't have that many
Speaker 1: friendships because he only wanted to keep people around who
Speaker 1: he really really cared about and loved and like those
Speaker 1: people were incredibly special to him, and he made a
Speaker 1: point of keeping in touch with them and making them
Speaker 1: laugh and sending them things. This was something he did
Speaker 1: for all of us. Yes, he could disappear, but he
Speaker 1: would always seem to resurface at the exact moment you
Speaker 1: needed him. When James had a health scare a few
Speaker 1: years ago, Alex was right there with him in his
Speaker 1: typical way, sending a steady stream of texts and memes
Speaker 1: while I was in the hospital, and especially like the
Speaker 1: two nights I was like overnight in the ICU UM,
Speaker 1: he and I were messaging constantly, and I would not
Speaker 1: have gotten through that week without him literally staying up
Speaker 1: all night with me, just like messaging me and checking
Speaker 1: in and seeing how I was doing. And you just
Speaker 1: like sending funny bad picture I like, said him. I
Speaker 1: sent him a selfie of myself like when I was
Speaker 1: in the I see you um attached to all this ship.
Speaker 1: And he replied back, can you just post that on
Speaker 1: Instagram and say goodbye? Because I looked like I was tying.
Speaker 1: Is cracked me the hell up. This was part of
Speaker 1: why Alex was always posting so much funny stuff online.
Speaker 1: It helped him deal with his own sadness and bring
Speaker 1: light to others too. Sometimes you could really see through
Speaker 1: his videos that he's having a bad day, but he's
Speaker 1: just doing Like a performance for Britney Dancing is therapy.
Speaker 1: I think for Alex it was like, I think that
Speaker 1: was his salt let to deal with everything. But whether
Speaker 1: you saw one of his memes or laughed with him
Speaker 1: on a roller coaster, you always felt his love. Alex
Speaker 1: had that energy about him that you could just open
Speaker 1: and everything you said it's kind of normal and there's
Speaker 1: no being smart about it, is just pure compassion. He
Speaker 1: really understood people. After he died, all of us in
Speaker 1: Team Thor Daniels came across so many other people he'd
Speaker 1: helped along the way, and there were many many more
Speaker 1: we couldn't even track down. He would drop in and
Speaker 1: out of people's lives. But even if he didn't keep
Speaker 1: every single person he met in his orbit forever, for Alex,
Speaker 1: connecting with and supporting other people was everything, the driving
Speaker 1: force of his life. When the most important thing in
Speaker 1: your life is to find connection and meaning and meaning
Speaker 1: through connection with very little regard for anything else in career,
Speaker 1: it's imperative that you find people that understand you. Even
Speaker 1: though he's gone, it's like he's still offering us that
Speaker 1: understanding and still helping us learn the lessons he taught
Speaker 1: us while he was here. Beth recalls one moment, in particular,
Speaker 1: the summer after Alex died, she'd been seeing someone who
Speaker 1: turned out to be kind of a dick. This guy
Speaker 1: that I was sort of dating loosely basically turned on
Speaker 1: NPR and I was still talking to him because he
Speaker 1: asked me to stay for coffee the next morning. So
Speaker 1: I'm talking to him, He's like, could you He kind
Speaker 1: of like cuts me off, like shut up, and he's like,
Speaker 1: why don't you check out the porch? Like he basically
Speaker 1: banished me to the porch, this man. So I go
Speaker 1: on the porch. I'm sitting there and drinking this coffee,
Speaker 1: and I'm looking out into the hills and I just
Speaker 1: started crying, not sobbing, just silently crying, thinking of at
Speaker 1: Alex and him saying, like, you should be with a
Speaker 1: guy who treats you well. I think sometimes when I'm
Speaker 1: in nature or a you're looking at that, like, I
Speaker 1: definitely think of him, and h I should have totally
Speaker 1: never talked about guy again, But don't worry. I'm sure
Speaker 1: I stayed a couple of extra weeks. Um. Now I
Speaker 1: can add one more person to the list of people
Speaker 1: who Alex connected with, people who helped him feel understood
Speaker 1: and who he helped in so many other rule shattering
Speaker 1: ways in return someone else who is still carrying Alex
Speaker 1: with them too. He really understood, but I was going
Speaker 1: through like a lot of people, you know, they try
Speaker 1: to understand but they don't. But when comes to like
Speaker 1: a person who really like understands, you know, there's nothing
Speaker 1: like that. Nothing can be paid. One night, not long
Speaker 1: after finding Alice, I ask Lexi if she has any
Speaker 1: other audio or video messages from Alex I might not
Speaker 1: know about. She forwards three voicemails. The first I play
Speaker 1: is when he left on Lexi's birthday. Well, well, well,
Speaker 1: looks like someone's going to have to change their voicemail
Speaker 1: from their twenty nine year old voice to their third
Speaker 1: or third or third or first or first or third
Speaker 1: or third orth or thirst or thirst thirst thirty year
Speaker 1: old voice. Because that's you today, because it's March seventeen.
Speaker 1: It is currently well phone one am, and this is
Speaker 1: your friend Alex. I just wanted to wish you happy birthday.
Speaker 1: It's a happy thirthday for me to you, Happy birthday,
Speaker 1: Happy birthday. You know he's thirties and forty and then
Speaker 1: fifty soon will be eighty will happen. Then I love you.
Speaker 1: As the message continues, Alex does something a little unusual
Speaker 1: for him. He talks with Hope about the future. I
Speaker 1: Hope you're just stuff in your face with some entire food,
Speaker 1: but you know, in like a mature way, because you're
Speaker 1: thirty now. So I think we're gonna have to lower
Speaker 1: our voices a bit and just kind of make it work.
Speaker 1: You know. We're just gonna go with the flow. Um,
Speaker 1: We're going to get it together, you know. I can
Speaker 1: feel it that these are gonna be our years. These
Speaker 1: are going to be our years where we discover ourselves,
Speaker 1: you know, and then when we turn forty, we'll be like, wow,
Speaker 1: what was that all about in our thirties, But it'll
Speaker 1: be like really really healthy, just to get to know ourselves,
Speaker 1: to know each other, and to know how each of
Speaker 1: us as individuals fits into this world. Because things are
Speaker 1: just crazy, you know. And I think that three is
Speaker 1: a charmed you know, and two is not the same.
Speaker 1: I don't see the harm. So are you game? Let's
Speaker 1: make a team, make them say my name. He may
Speaker 1: have started quoting Brittany lyrics there at the end of it,
Speaker 1: but I'm focused on something else. It's painful to hear
Speaker 1: Alex talk about something he'll never do, grow old. There's
Speaker 1: also something really beautiful about it, though. It reminds me that,
Speaker 1: at least in moments, Alex could imagine a future in
Speaker 1: which he was happy. As I listened to a Lexi's voicemails,
Speaker 1: a light bulb goes off. I remember that for three
Speaker 1: years I used a free digital voicemail service that would
Speaker 1: email me audiophiles and transcripts of my messages. I hadn't
Speaker 1: used the account in half a decade, but when I
Speaker 1: log into the voicemail service, I find over a dozen
Speaker 1: messages from Alex. A lot of them are him singing
Speaker 1: Britney songs bloo he thought you knew both if you something,
Speaker 1: now you know well tonight A bugo mash makes the
Speaker 1: boogo to match about if they aren't him singing Brittany.
Speaker 1: Most of them include at least a nod to her.
Speaker 1: Hey is Alex, Um, I'm just calling me because I
Speaker 1: am Brittany Jean, I am your mother, I am your friends,
Speaker 1: I am funny, I am your life. Um m hmm,
Speaker 1: well you know, and I'm also just calling because I
Speaker 1: love you. When I missed you. Most of them are funny,
Speaker 1: but then acred Alex. Um I just wanted to say, hey,
Speaker 1: it's been a while. I feel like I did every
Speaker 1: about to suit if they should be catch what I'm doing.
Speaker 1: Another funny Brittany reference, of course, but the humor is
Speaker 1: overshadowed by a familiar feeling guilt. I hear him saying
Speaker 1: it's been a while and that that was common, and
Speaker 1: I begin to tell myself, See, you were a bad friend,
Speaker 1: not there for him, the same thoughts I had the
Speaker 1: first moment I saw his goodbye email in my inbox.
Speaker 1: But then the message continues. There I love you and
Speaker 1: say and thinks being a good friend and loves to
Speaker 1: really filed you. I love you right. In the year
Speaker 1: after Alex died, I kept telling myself this story that
Speaker 1: I had failed him, that I had been a neglectful friend,
Speaker 1: that he went online in search of understanding because I
Speaker 1: hadn't been the friend he needed. But here he was,
Speaker 1: in his own voice, saying otherwise, another gift. The truth
Speaker 1: is I went looking for Alice because I wanted her
Speaker 1: to have significance, whether she was Brittany or not, though
Speaker 1: of course part of me did really want Alice to
Speaker 1: be Brittany, because it'd be this affirmation that Alex was special,
Speaker 1: and in turn that I was special too, That he
Speaker 1: sent these files to me as a way of saying
Speaker 1: he trusted me with this amazing secret. I used to
Speaker 1: scoff at some of the commenters on Britney's Instagram posts,
Speaker 1: but now I understand them. We're all searching for meaning
Speaker 1: in the mundane video. When Alex died, I felt like
Speaker 1: everything was out of my control. Things I couldn't go
Speaker 1: back and change about the past, and so much I
Speaker 1: didn't understand about the present. But if I could keep moving, picking, searching,
Speaker 1: maybe I could outrun my uncertainties, regrets and questions, or
Speaker 1: even uncover some critical meaning something I had missed, some
Speaker 1: key to unlock the entire puzzle. As long as I
Speaker 1: was investigating, it felt like maybe there was still more
Speaker 1: to learn, to discover, more to the story, some new
Speaker 1: detail that would make me feel better. But sometimes the
Speaker 1: story is just done, even if it doesn't end how
Speaker 1: you thought or hoped it might, even if you still
Speaker 1: feel unresolved. The coaster reaches its summit, drops, you do
Speaker 1: the loops, and then it's time to get off. The
Speaker 1: rides over. My search through Alex's online wonderland is done,
Speaker 1: and now I have to keep moving forward with all
Speaker 1: my uncertainties and sadness. But I can see now that
Speaker 1: new stories are already flowering. They're in everything and everyone
Speaker 1: Alex left behind, in Alice, in show She, in Bath
Speaker 1: and James and Dua and Lexi. They're in all the
Speaker 1: people far beyond this little circle, the countless people whose
Speaker 1: lives Alex touched. Some I'm fortunate enough to know, and
Speaker 1: others I've yet to meet. They're in Brittany and the
Speaker 1: outpouring of love for her that's happened in the time
Speaker 1: since Alex died, in the rest of the world, catching
Speaker 1: up with the humanity that ale son her years ago.
Speaker 1: And they are flowering in Knee In all the places
Speaker 1: this search took me, and places still undiscovered, places where
Speaker 1: I've locked away other pieces of my love for Alex,
Speaker 1: they are there, little stories, still unread, constellating a meaning
Speaker 1: I do not yet understand, waiting patiently for the moment
Speaker 1: I need them. Alex is there, too, as real to
Speaker 1: me now as ever in my archives. He's still laughing
Speaker 1: at how serious I am, how eagerly I look for
Speaker 1: meaning everywhere, how desperately I cling to the things that
Speaker 1: I think will make me important and worthy and loving
Speaker 1: me anyway. Our texts, tweets, Instagram, messages, emails, those SoundCloud
Speaker 1: files he sent me without context, they now serve as
Speaker 1: a kind of map. I can go back to, one
Speaker 1: that charts out the lessons he taught me, one that
Speaker 1: will help me make my way through a world without him.
Speaker 1: In these little digital fragments Alex left behind, he is
Speaker 1: still here, still telling me to stop trying so hard
Speaker 1: to impress everyone, to just relax and be myself. He
Speaker 1: is still here, offering me understanding and showing me how
Speaker 1: to be real by example. I didn't know it when
Speaker 1: I began, but looking for Alice was my way of
Speaker 1: charting a map back to Alex. But the roadways were
Speaker 1: there all along. There's one voicemail I've played little bits
Speaker 1: of a couple of times throughout this show. It's one
Speaker 1: I keep going back to again and again, like I
Speaker 1: first did with those SoundCloud files, here's the full thing going.
Speaker 1: I know you kind of clue what to do with
Speaker 1: the chick. What you are? What you are? They? You
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. Sorry, I've send like you know whatever.
Speaker 1: But first of all, I live a new microphone now
Speaker 1: and no one ever returns phone calls or ever hangs out,
Speaker 1: so I must like a little bitch now. Also, I
Speaker 1: was really depressed and really physically ill, so you know,
Speaker 1: there was no point in doing anything but right now
Speaker 1: in this timer, I choo. But you're another one. So
Speaker 1: what the book can I still do with my life?
Speaker 1: I don't know, but I hope you're doing okay. Thinking
Speaker 1: of you, loving you Sometimes I don't know what the
Speaker 1: funk I'm supposed to do with my life now that
Speaker 1: you're not around, Alex, I think of you all the time.
Speaker 1: It's bitter sweet, but lately it's more sweet than bitter,
Speaker 1: because you left so many gifts, not just the Alice
Speaker 1: files that sent me chasing after one of your strange mysteries,
Speaker 1: but all the clues and questions you left, things that
Speaker 1: pushed me to try and be more myself like you
Speaker 1: always were. I'm not done following your lead. Your example
Speaker 1: has been one of the greatest gifts of my life,
Speaker 1: and even though I have to do so without you now,
Speaker 1: I'm going to try to find the faith to keep
Speaker 1: building on it. Thinking of you, loving you Superstar alone.
Speaker 1: The Woman You Unread is created, written, hosted, and executive
Speaker 1: produced by me Chris Stedman. Wow. Saying all that narrow
Speaker 1: has me feeling very Mariah Carey. My co executive producer
Speaker 1: is the visionary Bethan Macaluso. Our story editor is the
Speaker 1: iconic Aaron Edwards. Sound designed by the tireless Dylan Fagan.
Speaker 1: Music by the wildly creative erin Wong Kaufman with additional
Speaker 1: music by legends Ben Sara Tan and Sadie Duqui of
Speaker 1: SAD thirteen. Logo by the talented Jeff niaz Goda, with
Speaker 1: additional artwork by Mike Queen, Lexi Newman, and the wonderful
Speaker 1: Lucy Quintinia. Special thanks, of course to Alice, and to
Speaker 1: Alex's family and friends, especially his mother and father, show
Speaker 1: she Lexei, Beth Doua James, and all of the incredible
Speaker 1: people who loved Alex. I'm so grateful to each and
Speaker 1: every one of you. Thanks also to everyone at my Heart,
Speaker 1: Josh ln Gren, at c A. A. Shelby Lano, Christina Everett,
Speaker 1: Emily Marinoff and the Unread team for bringing Brittany's Instagram
Speaker 1: comments to life I v Stacklow, Dave Holmes and Carry
Speaker 1: Poppy for offering critical perspective, Alexis O'Brien at the American
Speaker 1: Foundation for Suicide Prevention for doing a sensitivity listen, Marissa
Speaker 1: Brown for fact checking, and many many others for support
Speaker 1: and assistance along the way. And of course, above all,
Speaker 1: else to Alex for completely changing my life. I love
Speaker 1: and miss you dearly. Have you sifted through the digital
Speaker 1: fragments I loved one left behind after their death and
Speaker 1: tried to make sense of it all? Or are you
Speaker 1: doing so now? Email us at Unread Pod at gmail
Speaker 1: dot com or give us a call at four eight
Speaker 1: four three to one three three eight two. We'd love
Speaker 1: to hear your story. For photos, screenshots, me times, and
Speaker 1: more things mentioned in this show, follow us on Instagram
Speaker 1: or Twitter at Unread Pod. Mmmmmmmmmmmm