WEBVTT - The Fifth Hour: On Board with Santa Benny 0:00:00.720 --> 0:00:01.480 Kubbooms. 0:00:02.279 --> 0:00:05.360 If you thought four hours a day, twelve hundred minutes 0:00:05.400 --> 0:00:09.200 a week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants 0:00:09.200 --> 0:00:12.480 of the old Republic, a sole fashion of fairness. He 0:00:12.600 --> 0:00:15.520 treats crackheads in the ghetto cutter the same as the 0:00:15.600 --> 0:00:19.599 rich pill poppers in the penthouse. Wow to clearinghouse of 0:00:19.680 --> 0:00:23.479 hot takes, break free for something special. The Fifth Hour 0:00:23.600 --> 0:00:30.640 with Ben Maller starts right now. 0:00:28.960 --> 0:00:34.000 In the air everywhere. The Fifth Hour with Me, Ben 0:00:34.080 --> 0:00:37.040 Mahler and Danny g Radio. A Happy Saturday to you. 0:00:37.080 --> 0:00:40.199 It is the twentieth day of December. We have NFL 0:00:40.280 --> 0:00:44.160 football today, two games. As you can tell, it's getting 0:00:44.200 --> 0:00:46.960 late in the year when they roll out the Saturday 0:00:47.040 --> 0:00:49.479 NFL games, and we have you covered on Benny versus 0:00:49.479 --> 0:00:52.760 the Penny. I know you have watched the Saturday special 0:00:53.720 --> 0:00:57.760 Green Bay and Chicago. That is the big game of 0:00:57.800 --> 0:01:01.279 the day, well week in a nod to the Eagles 0:01:01.720 --> 0:01:05.000 and the Washington Commanders. Clearly not that big a game 0:01:05.000 --> 0:01:08.360 because the Commanders are not only an NFL team they 0:01:08.440 --> 0:01:11.480 blow but the Bears Packers game. That's gonna be a 0:01:11.480 --> 0:01:15.200 good game. Looking forward to watching that later today, have 0:01:15.240 --> 0:01:19.280 the Big Malard party thing of a jig which will 0:01:19.280 --> 0:01:22.960 be taking place at some point today in an undisclosed location. 0:01:23.120 --> 0:01:26.040 So we have that to look forward to as we 0:01:26.280 --> 0:01:31.200 wind down twenty twenty five. And on this podcast we 0:01:31.280 --> 0:01:37.720 have the Great Equalizer and Game of Thrones, well, the 0:01:37.760 --> 0:01:40.760 Malord spin on the Game of Thrones. We have that 0:01:40.880 --> 0:01:44.480 for you to look forward to as we celebrate today. 0:01:44.680 --> 0:01:50.280 Not just your normal random Saturday. It's the dot your 0:01:50.360 --> 0:01:52.920 Eyes Day. That's right. What the hell is dot your 0:01:52.920 --> 0:01:56.240 eyes Day? Well, it's one of those fugazy holidays every 0:01:56.280 --> 0:02:01.160 December twentieth every year, and you know the saying dot 0:02:01.200 --> 0:02:04.920 your eyes and cross your t's. Well, today is when 0:02:04.920 --> 0:02:08.640 you're supposed to dot your eyes. It's a very special day. 0:02:08.840 --> 0:02:14.080 And the history of the day, well, it goes back sometimes, 0:02:14.280 --> 0:02:17.760 I guess. I think it was eighteen forty nine there 0:02:17.840 --> 0:02:22.360 was an article written and that was the first time 0:02:22.600 --> 0:02:27.080 that expression dot your eyes and you know, cross your t's. 0:02:27.160 --> 0:02:30.160 That eighteen forty nine, how about that the earliest known 0:02:30.240 --> 0:02:34.480 evidence of that saying. And here we are all these 0:02:34.520 --> 0:02:38.640 years later, and there we are. I guess technically it 0:02:38.680 --> 0:02:42.240 goes back probably to like the three hundreds or something 0:02:42.320 --> 0:02:46.760 like that. In eighteen forty nine, the idiom became official, 0:02:46.919 --> 0:02:50.240 became kosher, and it was used as an expression in 0:02:50.280 --> 0:02:53.639 an article. And all these years later, here we are. 0:02:53.840 --> 0:02:56.639 We still do it to this day. So make sure 0:02:56.680 --> 0:02:59.639 to dot your eyes. Let's get right into it. More 0:02:59.720 --> 0:03:02.000 tail from the Naked City in the Malad Militia. It 0:03:02.200 --> 0:03:06.680 was that magical day yet again. I told you on 0:03:06.720 --> 0:03:09.720 the Friday Podcast that I was planning on talking about 0:03:10.600 --> 0:03:14.680 my experience as Santa Benny on the Friday podcast, but 0:03:14.720 --> 0:03:20.960 that injustice, that crime that took place in Seattle, I 0:03:21.040 --> 0:03:24.560 had to do an emergency bonus Mallard monologue on the 0:03:24.600 --> 0:03:29.240 Seahawks Rams game. So that aside, today's the day rights. 0:03:29.440 --> 0:03:32.120 It was the magical day, the one that sneaks up 0:03:32.240 --> 0:03:35.400 on the calendar, you know, it's like a mischievous elf, 0:03:35.440 --> 0:03:38.280 if you will. And it was circled. It was on 0:03:38.320 --> 0:03:41.120 my phone, on my iPhone, I had the date. It's 0:03:41.120 --> 0:03:44.880 a yearly tradition, unlike any other That's what Jim Nantz 0:03:44.880 --> 0:03:50.360 would say. Unlike any other Hello, friends or patrons or whatever. Anyway, 0:03:50.360 --> 0:03:52.960 I much like the swallows returning the Mission San Juan 0:03:53.040 --> 0:03:58.200 Capistrano or the Turkey vultures better known locally as the Buzzards, 0:03:58.960 --> 0:04:03.960 because hey, this is America, and flapping back from their 0:04:04.320 --> 0:04:09.440 southern migration to roost and Hinckley Ridge, Ohio. Much like that, 0:04:10.160 --> 0:04:14.960 this was the day, the day that the guy you're 0:04:15.000 --> 0:04:20.680 listening to became someone else. I transitioned, if you will. 0:04:21.080 --> 0:04:25.240 We headed to the undisclosed city where my wife works, 0:04:25.279 --> 0:04:31.000 a place I will not name because mysteries deserve to 0:04:31.080 --> 0:04:34.919 be preserved, and I will preserve the mystery I will. 0:04:35.600 --> 0:04:38.520 And there I arrived, I got out of the malamobile, 0:04:38.600 --> 0:04:42.320 and I went into the metaphorical phone booth as just 0:04:42.360 --> 0:04:46.680 a normal man named Ben Mahler, overnight sports radio guy, 0:04:47.240 --> 0:04:52.440 dispenser of hot takes, cold pizza, metaphors, malarisms, all that, 0:04:52.640 --> 0:05:01.960 and then abra cadabra, woila presto poof Ta da lo, 0:05:02.120 --> 0:05:07.480 and behold, I merged as Santa BENI from head to 0:05:07.480 --> 0:05:11.080 toe right now. Of course, it wasn't actually a phone booth, 0:05:11.600 --> 0:05:14.840 was a men's bathroom at the city yard, but nevertheless, 0:05:15.240 --> 0:05:18.279 in my head it was like a phone booth, and 0:05:18.520 --> 0:05:22.359 I was completely decked out head to toe in the 0:05:22.600 --> 0:05:27.680 iconic red Santa Claus outfit, the very same outfit that 0:05:27.920 --> 0:05:31.920 was popularized by Coca Cola, and is now that you're 0:05:31.920 --> 0:05:35.719 talking about the power of advertising, how big Coca Cola 0:05:35.839 --> 0:05:38.560 was back in the day they came up with the 0:05:38.560 --> 0:05:42.360 red Santa Claus and now it is universally accepted as 0:05:42.480 --> 0:05:46.080 historical fact. And this, I should note, is one of 0:05:46.120 --> 0:05:50.640 my favorite events of the year, every December for many 0:05:50.720 --> 0:05:52.360 many years. I don't even know how many years it's been. 0:05:53.520 --> 0:05:57.760 This is my routine. It is sacred in its own 0:05:57.880 --> 0:06:01.120 goofy way. And I'll explain this to you. I'm gonna 0:06:01.120 --> 0:06:05.560 cross boundaries here. I'm gonna explain this to Passover, you know, 0:06:05.600 --> 0:06:10.240 growing up celebrating Passover. Why was this night different from 0:06:10.240 --> 0:06:13.120 all other nights? And the four questions for Santa Beni. 0:06:13.600 --> 0:06:16.560 On all other nights, we do not dress in costume. 0:06:17.120 --> 0:06:20.200 On this night, we dress from head to toe. On 0:06:20.480 --> 0:06:22.880 all other nights, we do not climb on the back 0:06:23.360 --> 0:06:26.039 of a fire truck. On this night, we sit on 0:06:26.160 --> 0:06:28.640 the back of a fire truck, right on the roof, 0:06:28.680 --> 0:06:32.240 but on the back. On all other nights, we are introverted. 0:06:32.400 --> 0:06:36.120 We try to avoid awkward conversations with strangers, and we 0:06:36.200 --> 0:06:39.720 try to avoid putting ourselves out in front of everyone. 0:06:39.800 --> 0:06:43.120 On this night we are extroverts. On all other nights 0:06:43.120 --> 0:06:46.800 we keep a relatively low profile. On this night, we 0:06:46.839 --> 0:06:51.040 are very much in the spotlight. Now. We got lucky. 0:06:51.120 --> 0:06:54.680 We did, and luck does matter in these things. The 0:06:54.720 --> 0:06:59.240 weather was cool, it was not frozen. We didn't get 0:06:59.240 --> 0:07:02.760 any rain. The fire truck did not break down, the 0:07:02.800 --> 0:07:06.800 engine work the entire night, All of these things. All 0:07:06.839 --> 0:07:09.800 of these things have happened in the past, usually when 0:07:09.880 --> 0:07:12.760 optimism was running high and we didn't really have any 0:07:13.400 --> 0:07:17.840 contingency plans. Those were running low. And what was the experience, 0:07:18.000 --> 0:07:22.720 Like I'm glad you asked, It was like being Mickey 0:07:22.760 --> 0:07:27.880 Mouse in the Main Street USA Electrical Parade. You are 0:07:27.960 --> 0:07:33.960 not just a person anymore. You are a symbol. Kids 0:07:34.040 --> 0:07:36.840 waved and ran towards the truck like it was powered 0:07:36.880 --> 0:07:42.360 by pure magic. Parents smiled, old people smiled. Middle aged 0:07:42.400 --> 0:07:48.280 people who rarely smile without irony they smiled too. And 0:07:48.320 --> 0:07:51.320 we have people waving from cars bringing their dogs to 0:07:51.360 --> 0:07:56.120 see the show, from sidewalks, from the back of a 0:07:56.200 --> 0:07:58.440 taco shop. There were some boys in the back waving. 0:07:58.520 --> 0:08:02.000 There were people working in a drive through weed dispensary, 0:08:02.520 --> 0:08:06.800 the smoke shop, and they seem pretty happy, and yes, 0:08:06.920 --> 0:08:11.600 that's the modern American tapestry right there. You got tacos, 0:08:11.640 --> 0:08:13.520 you got cannabis. You got a guy on the back 0:08:13.560 --> 0:08:17.680 of a fire truck in a Santa costume riding around 0:08:17.760 --> 0:08:21.480 town waving. Everyone smiles when they see old Saint maler 0:08:22.280 --> 0:08:25.960 It is involuntary. It's a it's a reflex. You don't 0:08:26.040 --> 0:08:30.640 fight it, you cannot fight it. You surrender. That's it. 0:08:31.320 --> 0:08:33.160 And we covered a lot of real estate. I was 0:08:33.320 --> 0:08:36.520 up there for four hours on the back of the 0:08:36.559 --> 0:08:40.000 fire truck. We went from the middle class neighborhoods of 0:08:40.000 --> 0:08:43.560 this town, where the cars had two hundred and seventy 0:08:43.600 --> 0:08:47.280 eight thousand miles. The dashboard looked like its own Christmas 0:08:47.320 --> 0:08:50.400 tree with all the warning lights, and then we went 0:08:50.480 --> 0:08:53.760 up to the foothills, and then we went further up 0:08:53.880 --> 0:08:57.480 where the people had Bentley's and Maybox. It's kind of 0:08:57.480 --> 0:09:01.520 lounging in the driveway like pampered house cats, and everything 0:09:01.559 --> 0:09:05.080 was perfect. It's quite the juxtaposition when you go from 0:09:05.520 --> 0:09:09.440 the working class neighborhood to the really, really wealthy. However, 0:09:09.480 --> 0:09:12.720 I did notice the same smiles, the same waves, the 0:09:12.760 --> 0:09:17.640 same wonder and that's the thing. You're that red costume. 0:09:18.480 --> 0:09:23.679 The Santa costume the great equalizer, it really is. And 0:09:23.720 --> 0:09:27.599 as I have been doing it again, I don't know 0:09:27.600 --> 0:09:29.520 how long it's been, It's been many, many years. As 0:09:29.559 --> 0:09:31.400 a season Santa, let's call it like that. As a 0:09:31.480 --> 0:09:35.360 season Santa, I have the routine down like the back 0:09:35.400 --> 0:09:40.280 of my hand. Rule number one now, rule number one, 0:09:40.520 --> 0:09:44.000 no eating or drinking before Santa Taurus. Cannot do it. 0:09:44.200 --> 0:09:47.160 Cannot do it. Why is that? I'll tell you why. 0:09:47.679 --> 0:09:54.120 Because the bathroom becomes a major endeavor, it becomes a quest. 0:09:54.200 --> 0:09:58.920 It's a saga. It's a thing that the great philosophers 0:09:58.920 --> 0:10:02.960 would have written three books about. The Santa outfit is 0:10:03.040 --> 0:10:08.040 not designed for convenience, it's not. These costumes are designed 0:10:08.400 --> 0:10:11.120 for the spectacle in mind. There's a lot of layers 0:10:11.120 --> 0:10:14.400 to it. And the hardest part of the job, however, 0:10:14.640 --> 0:10:19.080 is climbing down from the fire truck. And this is 0:10:19.120 --> 0:10:23.079 where the job turns into something that goes from a 0:10:23.200 --> 0:10:30.400 festive fun thing to evil canievil daredevil status. It's kind 0:10:30.400 --> 0:10:33.199 of like that old song Hotel California. When you put 0:10:33.240 --> 0:10:34.880 on the Santa suit and you get to the top 0:10:34.920 --> 0:10:37.240 of the fire truck, you can check out any time 0:10:37.320 --> 0:10:42.480 you like, but you can never leave once you're up there. 0:10:43.440 --> 0:10:47.040 I'm a pretty tall guy, right, pretty tall guy, still 0:10:47.040 --> 0:10:49.320 got a little weight to me. So I get up there, 0:10:49.559 --> 0:10:52.560 and you're wrapped in layer after layer after layer. You 0:10:52.600 --> 0:10:55.080 got the boots on the size of small kayaks. I've 0:10:55.120 --> 0:10:58.400 already got big feet to start, and you realize that 0:10:58.960 --> 0:11:03.440 you're fighting the g as in gravity if you will, 0:11:03.480 --> 0:11:07.199 and gravity has the greatest winning percentage of all time, 0:11:07.760 --> 0:11:13.839 it's undefeated. One little misstep and you are right into 0:11:13.880 --> 0:11:17.080 an ambulance and then to the emergency room if you're lucky, 0:11:18.040 --> 0:11:22.320 if you're lucky, or go. Getting down is an act 0:11:22.360 --> 0:11:26.960 of faith, blind faith. Now, thankfully, on this night, when 0:11:26.960 --> 0:11:29.840 the night ended, we did not have an incident, largely 0:11:30.800 --> 0:11:34.319 because the group of firefighters that were driving the truck around. 0:11:34.360 --> 0:11:37.240 They're the real heroes here in more ways than one. 0:11:37.280 --> 0:11:40.680 They and the police officers, but the firemen. They helped 0:11:40.720 --> 0:11:44.120 my fat ass off the fire truck, and I had 0:11:44.200 --> 0:11:50.800 dignity mostly intact. There's a trust fall element to it. 0:11:51.320 --> 0:11:58.439 You expect the ground obviously unforgiving, right, and your insurance 0:11:58.480 --> 0:12:01.760 deductible is pretty high. It's pretty high, So you got 0:12:01.760 --> 0:12:05.520 that going on and then all the fair like all 0:12:05.559 --> 0:12:08.120 fairy tales, all fairy tales, and pretty much the same 0:12:08.120 --> 0:12:13.000 way the taking off the clothes, you know, the Iron 0:12:13.040 --> 0:12:17.160 Man suit, Santa's black boots turned back into a crappy 0:12:17.280 --> 0:12:20.320 shoe at midnight, just like the fairy tale, and I 0:12:20.440 --> 0:12:23.160 changed into my street clothes. I felt like Anthony Davis, 0:12:23.840 --> 0:12:26.719 and I went over to raising canes to celebrate my 0:12:26.840 --> 0:12:31.920 community service. Because nothing says goodwill towards fellow man like 0:12:32.559 --> 0:12:37.720 chicken fingers, French fries and Texas toast. That's the way 0:12:37.760 --> 0:12:39.080 to do it. That is the way to do it. 0:12:39.080 --> 0:12:43.800 And just like that, it was ov R. Just like that, 0:12:43.920 --> 0:12:49.640 it was over another chapter in The Naked City, another 0:12:49.720 --> 0:12:54.079 reminder that for just one night a year, one night 0:12:54.120 --> 0:12:55.600 a year, I don't know what it's going to be 0:12:55.679 --> 0:12:58.880 until the last minute, but one night a year, under 0:12:58.920 --> 0:13:03.320 the cover of darkness and fueled by moonlight, the overnight 0:13:03.360 --> 0:13:09.160 gas bag gets to be something else. Entirely felt a 0:13:09.160 --> 0:13:12.880 little bit like alf the Illin Opiner or ferg Dog 0:13:12.960 --> 0:13:19.080 with their avatars, and so till December twenty twenty six. 0:13:19.160 --> 0:13:21.559 Sometime in December of twenty twenty six, when the magic 0:13:21.720 --> 0:13:25.440 night happens yet again, and I will be back in 0:13:25.520 --> 0:13:29.040 the Santa costume to do it all over again, back 0:13:29.120 --> 0:13:32.720 in the Santa costume again, to spend on the back 0:13:32.720 --> 0:13:34.840 in the saddle, back in the saddle. All right, turn 0:13:34.960 --> 0:13:38.720 the page on that. I wanted to mention something that 0:13:38.880 --> 0:13:42.880 happened somewhat recently to me here. So I have learned 0:13:43.320 --> 0:13:45.360 many things. I try to learn something new every day. 0:13:46.120 --> 0:13:49.400 Normally it's a word or a phrase that I really 0:13:49.440 --> 0:13:52.840 wasn't familiar with and tried to add a little something 0:13:53.040 --> 0:13:56.920 to my lexicon. Work like the devil, I get that 0:13:57.040 --> 0:14:00.920 in there, and so I do that. And one of 0:14:00.960 --> 0:14:02.679 the things that I've learned over the years that does 0:14:02.720 --> 0:14:06.040 not relate to words, but is a word. It's the 0:14:06.200 --> 0:14:10.320 vibe you get from a word, say what yeah, let 0:14:10.360 --> 0:14:13.480 me let me explain this better. So of all the 0:14:13.480 --> 0:14:18.640 things that I've learned, the power of a phrase, which 0:14:18.679 --> 0:14:24.920 is the word but that is a body blow, body blow, 0:14:25.040 --> 0:14:29.840 body blow, body blow. It's an amazing word, the word butt. 0:14:30.000 --> 0:14:32.720 And we've discussed it a little bit on the radio show. 0:14:32.920 --> 0:14:37.080 It is a verbal landmine. It is a silk pillowcase 0:14:37.160 --> 0:14:41.240 covering a brick. It's a hug that ends with a 0:14:41.360 --> 0:14:45.560 knee to your testicles. It's the polite cough before the 0:14:45.640 --> 0:14:49.160 doctor tells you, Hey, I think we've found something interesting here. 0:14:49.160 --> 0:14:51.360 We got we gotta take a look at. Now. Recently, 0:14:52.680 --> 0:14:58.280 I attended a family function with what I lovingly call 0:14:59.640 --> 0:15:02.920 the Old Old Guard. The Old Guard. Now, this was 0:15:02.960 --> 0:15:09.040 not a gathering. This was a museum exhibit, a seventy 0:15:09.200 --> 0:15:13.680 and over event. And I'm getting older, and yet I 0:15:13.880 --> 0:15:18.360 was still the spring chicken. Okay, I'm I'm getting older, 0:15:18.440 --> 0:15:21.000 and yet these people were all much older than I was. 0:15:21.040 --> 0:15:23.200 I was the young buck. I was the reckless youth. 0:15:23.640 --> 0:15:26.760 I was sitting at the kiddie table because I actually 0:15:26.800 --> 0:15:28.720 had cartilage still left in my knee, at least a 0:15:28.760 --> 0:15:32.560 little bit. And so we had some local family. I 0:15:32.560 --> 0:15:34.240 don't have a lot of family, and I'm not really 0:15:34.280 --> 0:15:36.960 close with this group of people, but we did have 0:15:37.000 --> 0:15:39.360 some family fly in from Arizona, which I love to 0:15:39.400 --> 0:15:42.520 see some more of the Older Guard, and I know, 0:15:42.960 --> 0:15:47.800 maybe maybe ten people, And there were a lot of people. 0:15:48.000 --> 0:15:50.440 I mean maybe ten people I was familiar with at 0:15:50.440 --> 0:15:53.320 this thing. The rest of the people were just strangers 0:15:53.880 --> 0:15:58.240 drifting through the room, like background characters in a doors song. 0:15:58.440 --> 0:16:02.360 People are strange people are strange when you're a stranger. 0:16:03.080 --> 0:16:07.760 Jim Morrison would have enjoyed the setup, and so okay. 0:16:07.800 --> 0:16:13.240 There I was gas bag man without a cape a jag, 0:16:14.080 --> 0:16:19.360 just a guy by day and then an audio folk 0:16:19.400 --> 0:16:23.200 hero by night, at least in my own head, circulating 0:16:23.760 --> 0:16:27.560 around the room politely. I had my good manners. I 0:16:27.600 --> 0:16:30.160 was shaking hands, I was smiling, I was nodding. I 0:16:30.240 --> 0:16:35.320 was handing out metaphorical conversation candy canes to people that 0:16:35.400 --> 0:16:38.200 I Some I hadn't seen a long time. Some I 0:16:38.440 --> 0:16:40.640 hadn't seen a really long time. And then there were 0:16:40.640 --> 0:16:44.440 people I hadn't seen ever. And this is what you 0:16:44.520 --> 0:16:46.880 do at these events. I don't normally go to these events, 0:16:46.880 --> 0:16:48.640 but as it felt like a big deal, I needed 0:16:48.640 --> 0:16:50.800 to be there, So I went to this particular event. 0:16:51.440 --> 0:16:58.000 You keep it light, You avoid the big three, politics, religion, 0:16:58.960 --> 0:17:02.200 and anything involving who do you think is gonna win 0:17:02.280 --> 0:17:04.520 the Super Bowl? I don't need that. If I knew 0:17:04.520 --> 0:17:07.480 I wouldn't be here, I'd be in Vegas. I'd be rich. 0:17:07.520 --> 0:17:10.080 If I knew that I'd be somewhere else. Also, the 0:17:10.160 --> 0:17:13.520 advice the former boss Don Martin gave us as we 0:17:13.600 --> 0:17:16.399 must stay away from the third rail. Momiam, that's the 0:17:16.440 --> 0:17:19.399 third rail. Stay away, Okay, I'll stay away. Don no 0:17:19.480 --> 0:17:22.199 third Rael. So then I ran into one of my 0:17:22.440 --> 0:17:29.160 dear cousins, an older woman, very sharp, kind, warm hearted woman, 0:17:29.880 --> 0:17:32.600 and we were catching up. I don't see this woman 0:17:32.720 --> 0:17:35.520 very often, and so when we see each other at 0:17:35.520 --> 0:17:40.000 the rare and appropriate family event, we exchange life updates, 0:17:40.680 --> 0:17:45.919 the greatest hits. Now, eventually she asked the inevitable question, 0:17:46.280 --> 0:17:49.760 the question that you knew was coming. You knew the 0:17:49.880 --> 0:17:57.920 question was coming, the question, so how's the radio show? Okay, 0:17:57.960 --> 0:18:00.960 can you ask me again? Yes, how's the radio show? 0:18:01.320 --> 0:18:04.080 Let me meditate over that for a few minutes. No, 0:18:04.359 --> 0:18:06.320 so she asked me that, Now this is the moment. 0:18:07.480 --> 0:18:09.920 This is where we get the plot twist. This is 0:18:09.960 --> 0:18:13.080 where you originally you hear somebody to say that when 0:18:13.119 --> 0:18:15.600 they say how's the radio show, You're like, Okay, I'm 0:18:15.600 --> 0:18:18.119 gonna take it. Lean back, I'm gonna wait for the compliment, 0:18:18.400 --> 0:18:21.760 and my ego is gonna take a little small, harmless 0:18:21.800 --> 0:18:25.119 sip of the good times and all that stuff. And 0:18:25.160 --> 0:18:29.359 so she said, this is the next part. She said, 0:18:29.400 --> 0:18:33.240 I tried to listen to your show. You sounded good, 0:18:34.880 --> 0:18:41.560 and then she dropped the guillotine. But yes, so she 0:18:41.680 --> 0:18:43.560 started out by saying, I tried to listen to your show. 0:18:43.680 --> 0:18:49.000 You sounded good, and then but was sent out the 0:18:49.040 --> 0:18:53.840 most dangerous syllable in the English language. But she said, 0:18:53.920 --> 0:18:56.000 I had to turn it off because you rip women's 0:18:56.000 --> 0:18:57.879 soccer and I love women's soccer, and you took a 0:18:57.880 --> 0:19:00.760 shot at women's soccer and I didn't appreciate that. That 0:19:00.880 --> 0:19:03.920 was a dagger to the heart. She might as well 0:19:03.920 --> 0:19:05.520 have just call me blubber guts right there. What was 0:19:05.560 --> 0:19:09.720 wrong with your blubberduts? Shame on you, You know, as 0:19:09.960 --> 0:19:13.720 John Snow once famously said on Game of Thrones, a 0:19:13.880 --> 0:19:20.000 man who learned this lesson the hard way. Everything a 0:19:20.080 --> 0:19:24.000 person says before the word but is a lie. It 0:19:24.280 --> 0:19:27.200 just is, which means mathematically, I did the Matler math 0:19:27.280 --> 0:19:32.360 in my head. And not only mathematically, but spiritually and emotionally. 0:19:33.400 --> 0:19:37.040 My radio show did not sound good to this woman. 0:19:37.800 --> 0:19:42.600 My cousin was offended. She was offended. The hot take 0:19:42.680 --> 0:19:48.040 struck a nerve. The fire breathing dragon had burned down 0:19:48.119 --> 0:19:50.880 the village. Well that's not ideal, that's not what you're 0:19:50.880 --> 0:19:53.879 looking for. And so she was damaged, and she was triggered. 0:19:53.920 --> 0:19:57.199 She was emotionally confused by everything that she heard. She 0:19:57.320 --> 0:20:01.680 needed a safe space, preferably one with a padded room. 0:20:01.880 --> 0:20:06.480 No microphones, no speakers, nothing like that. And now here's 0:20:06.520 --> 0:20:10.520 the part that sticks to your ribs like a thick 0:20:11.200 --> 0:20:14.440 brisket left on the smoker a little bit too long. 0:20:14.520 --> 0:20:18.560 That monologue that she was upset about, the one where 0:20:18.560 --> 0:20:20.879 she said, I tried to listen to your show and 0:20:20.920 --> 0:20:25.640 then she delivered the butt. Yeah, that's a universal thing 0:20:25.640 --> 0:20:28.520 for a lie. But at that moment, I know's there 0:20:28.520 --> 0:20:32.640 all right? Fine, The monologue aired in twenty twenty three, 0:20:32.680 --> 0:20:36.800 almost three years ago. It's almost twenty twenty six, and 0:20:37.280 --> 0:20:41.800 so the moment is still with me. Like sticking to 0:20:41.840 --> 0:20:44.280 your ribs like a brisket, as I said, that was 0:20:44.280 --> 0:20:48.520 in the smoker too long, and it's like a sleeper 0:20:48.640 --> 0:20:50.760 cell that was activated all these years later, like a 0:20:50.800 --> 0:20:56.600 bad actor or bad tattoo missed extra point. The actual event, 0:20:57.640 --> 0:21:01.879 The actual event happened in twenty seventeen, so it was 0:21:01.880 --> 0:21:04.040 even before that. Now, the monologue she referenced was in 0:21:04.119 --> 0:21:07.400 twenty twenty three, and that's when the US women's national 0:21:07.440 --> 0:21:14.440 team preparing for friendlies against Russia, scrimmaged the FC Dallas 0:21:14.640 --> 0:21:19.919 under fifteen boys academy team, bunch of teenagers, and the 0:21:20.080 --> 0:21:23.639 US women's national team lost five to two to a 0:21:23.680 --> 0:21:27.119 bunch of teenage boys. Now that, for a while was 0:21:27.200 --> 0:21:31.800 dismissed as internet legend. I remember hearing that's not true. 0:21:33.080 --> 0:21:37.320 You fell for a conspiracy theory. Remember our conversation yesterday 0:21:37.359 --> 0:21:41.359 about conspiracy theories. So anyway, okay, Well it was confirmed 0:21:41.400 --> 0:21:44.720 by Carly Lloyd. She said, Yep, it absolutely happened. This 0:21:44.840 --> 0:21:48.480 was real. It wasn't Internet folklore. It wasn't somebody posting 0:21:48.480 --> 0:21:53.240 on Reddit. It wasn't some bot account on x. This 0:21:53.520 --> 0:21:57.520 was a tune up game that went completely off the tracks, 0:21:58.240 --> 0:22:02.080 completely upjets. This is the sports equivalent of the Lakers 0:22:02.880 --> 0:22:09.119 losing to like University high School. Not because anyone hates 0:22:09.160 --> 0:22:13.000 the Lakers but we do, not because anyone hates education, 0:22:13.119 --> 0:22:16.720 although some of us do, but because reality sometimes crashes 0:22:16.760 --> 0:22:21.280 the party uninvited and double parks in the driveway, which 0:22:21.520 --> 0:22:25.000 we all love unless we don't. And here's the thing, now, 0:22:25.080 --> 0:22:28.080 I smiled, I nodded, I traded niceties with my cousin, 0:22:28.080 --> 0:22:32.440 as I said, and then I did what professionals do 0:22:33.359 --> 0:22:36.359 when they know they are outnumbered, when they know they've 0:22:36.400 --> 0:22:41.280 crossed into uncomfortable territory. I got up, I took a 0:22:41.320 --> 0:22:44.040 deep breath. I looked around the room. I did inventory 0:22:44.040 --> 0:22:48.480 of everything, what everyone was wearing. People I don't even 0:22:48.480 --> 0:22:50.679 care about this stuff, but I was doing it. That 0:22:50.800 --> 0:22:55.600 was going around, and so that was that. And you know, 0:22:56.359 --> 0:22:59.960 I did play along, as I said, with my cousin 0:23:00.080 --> 0:23:04.439 and played knics. I walked away. But the moment, at 0:23:04.480 --> 0:23:08.680 that particular moment, I was reminded, well, it was uncomfortable. 0:23:10.000 --> 0:23:14.640 It was a kind of a gently painful reminder of 0:23:14.680 --> 0:23:18.439 the nuclear torpedo. My fingers on the button, and I 0:23:18.480 --> 0:23:22.520 control this on a nightly basis. A microphone is not 0:23:22.640 --> 0:23:28.160 a toy. It is not a toy. It's the iron throne. 0:23:29.119 --> 0:23:34.159 It custs both ways. It amplifies the truth and a 0:23:34.240 --> 0:23:36.920 fence at the same time and in the same volume. 0:23:37.119 --> 0:23:39.440 And so you're not supposed to say the quiet part 0:23:39.480 --> 0:23:44.040 out about everyone knows it, everyone thinks it, but you're 0:23:44.359 --> 0:23:49.320 not supposed to say it. And sometimes on overnight radio, 0:23:49.960 --> 0:23:56.320 fueled by caffeine supplements, conviction and the delusion that honesty 0:23:56.560 --> 0:24:01.040 is always a heroic you say it anyway. You sit 0:24:01.119 --> 0:24:06.440 on the iron throne and you convince your yourself and 0:24:06.480 --> 0:24:10.560 that you're dispensing wisdom and when really you're just reminding 0:24:10.640 --> 0:24:15.320 everyone that power comes with splash, damage and all that stuff. 0:24:16.200 --> 0:24:19.240 And that's the burden, you know. I don't want to 0:24:19.240 --> 0:24:21.040 say it's too big a burden. It's not the biggest 0:24:21.040 --> 0:24:22.520 burden in the world, but it's one of the burdens 0:24:22.560 --> 0:24:25.440 of this job, the blessing and the curse, the double 0:24:25.520 --> 0:24:29.679 edged sword. That it's not like the written word. The 0:24:29.720 --> 0:24:32.280 written word, I do believe is much worse. People spaz 0:24:32.359 --> 0:24:34.639 out over the written word more than they do the 0:24:34.680 --> 0:24:37.520 audio world that we live in. Uh, it's still a 0:24:37.640 --> 0:24:43.119 problem in radio, but it's much worse in the newspapers. 0:24:43.800 --> 0:24:46.800 The newspapers are the newspapers left. But in that particular 0:24:46.840 --> 0:24:50.439 world it's much it's much worse, but still the power 0:24:50.640 --> 0:24:53.960 of the spoken word. And you're out, you're doing your thing, 0:24:54.600 --> 0:24:57.080 you're living your life right, and you know that thing 0:24:57.200 --> 0:24:59.240 bounces all over the place, the thing of a jig, 0:24:59.280 --> 0:25:02.800 and you whisper it into a microphone in la and 0:25:02.840 --> 0:25:06.240 it doesn't stay whispering. E goes, It ricochets, It finds 0:25:06.280 --> 0:25:10.479 its way into bedrooms and factories and family gatherings and 0:25:10.560 --> 0:25:15.160 folding chairs and polite conversations with people you love and 0:25:15.320 --> 0:25:19.080 some people you hate. And then the microphone is it's 0:25:20.080 --> 0:25:24.560 like a megaphone, right, It just bouncing all over the place. 0:25:25.119 --> 0:25:29.720 And every night I sit there thinking at the iron throne, 0:25:29.720 --> 0:25:33.080 the bully pulpit, I'm thinking, man, I am ruling the 0:25:33.200 --> 0:25:35.920 kingdom of the mall militia, when really I am lighting 0:25:35.960 --> 0:25:40.280 a flare and hoping it doesn't land in someone else's backyard. 0:25:41.119 --> 0:25:45.600 And sometimes it does. Sometimes it lands at Thanksgiving. Sometimes 0:25:45.640 --> 0:25:48.520 it lands, you know, years later, like the conversation we're 0:25:48.520 --> 0:25:52.560 having right now, introduced by a smile and a follow 0:25:52.680 --> 0:25:58.720 up with a bot bod. But that is the cost 0:25:58.960 --> 0:26:03.040 of saying the quiet part out loud. That is the 0:26:03.119 --> 0:26:05.879 part you said, you said the quiet part out loud. 0:26:06.280 --> 0:26:09.399 You don't get to choose, You don't you got You 0:26:09.400 --> 0:26:12.280 don't get to jews who hear's it. You only get 0:26:12.320 --> 0:26:14.480 to choose whether you say it or not. And once 0:26:14.520 --> 0:26:18.720 you do, once you say it, you don't own the 0:26:18.760 --> 0:26:22.280 words anymore. They own you, and they can come back 0:26:22.320 --> 0:26:26.159 and be used against you at any time, not in 0:26:26.200 --> 0:26:30.240