Speaker 1: Oh my god, it's good to be back. Oh man,
Speaker 1: how are you doing. I'm good. Good. We're just post
Speaker 1: fringe festival, which is just like yeah, this whole lifestyle,
Speaker 1: post coitus moment where we're just like sprawled out on
Speaker 1: the floor like, oh my god. Oh if I ever
Speaker 1: had a craving for a cigarette, I would have right now.
Speaker 1: But um, yeah it feels good. Yeah no, wait, great,
Speaker 1: it was awesome. It's now over. It's just some wrap
Speaker 1: up work, and it was really nice to just be like,
Speaker 1: I'm just going to tell a fun love story now. Yeah,
Speaker 1: this is the last you'll hear us talk about it
Speaker 1: for at least ten months. We had so much fun
Speaker 1: last week. Would tossed popcorn. Yeah, are hilarious, um and
Speaker 1: brilliant and just fast. They have a fun show too. Yeah,
Speaker 1: a good time definitely, So everybody. Hey, I'm Diana, welcome
Speaker 1: back to the show Ridiculous Romance. Oh yeah, if you
Speaker 1: didn't know the title, you do now. I don't know.
Speaker 1: I was listening to podcast where they're like, and this
Speaker 1: is the show where we talk about this, and I
Speaker 1: guess our theme song does that job for us? I
Speaker 1: wonder if there's like a shuffle for podcasts or you
Speaker 1: just like play me a random episode of something. Maybe
Speaker 1: I should know this as a podcast post and producer. Well,
Speaker 1: I don't know how this industry works. We're back with
Speaker 1: a good one today. Very ridiculous, as ridiculous as they come.
Speaker 1: All our strengths history, big dicksins, true people running around
Speaker 1: acting foolish. Also, it's ancient history. I don't think we've
Speaker 1: done an ancient history one in a while all the
Speaker 1: way back, I know. And to get a little out
Speaker 1: of the Western hemisphere too, because as you said, we've
Speaker 1: been in France a lot later. It's hard not to
Speaker 1: be in France a lot because there is some ridiculous
Speaker 1: Roman but honestly ancient China, ancient Japan. There's some silly
Speaker 1: ship going on, for sure. Absolutely, I'm so excited to
Speaker 1: get into this today. No, right, So the time, it's
Speaker 1: around two hundred sixty b c e. The place the
Speaker 1: Chin State of ancient China. It's the Warring States period
Speaker 1: of ancient Chinese history, and that's a time where there
Speaker 1: were seven states who were all vying for power in
Speaker 1: this nation. But one little love affair would forever change
Speaker 1: the course of history, leading to a unified China under
Speaker 1: Emperor Chin, who is the guy responsible for probably most
Speaker 1: of the things you know about China, such as erecting
Speaker 1: the Great Wall of China or um creating an enormous
Speaker 1: mausoleum protected by an army of life sized terra Cotta warriors. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but without one giant penis, none of it might have happened.
Speaker 1: So let's here about Lu Eyes irresistibly big dick and
Speaker 1: how it changed the course of Chinese history before ever Hey,
Speaker 1: their French comel listen well, Eli and Diana got some
Speaker 1: stories to tell. There's no matchmaking, a romantic tips, It's
Speaker 1: just about ridiculous relationships, a lover, it might be any
Speaker 1: type of person at all, and abstract concept door a
Speaker 1: concrete wall. But if there's a story, were the second
Speaker 1: Glance Ridiculous Roles a production of I Heart Radio. Our
Speaker 1: story starts with a traveling merchant named Lu Bu Wait
Speaker 1: who made tons of money selling his wares around the
Speaker 1: various states of China. He's like the original vacuum salesman
Speaker 1: door to door Jeff Bezos stuff. Yeah, yeah, it was
Speaker 1: a fuller brushman anti China, and at the time the
Speaker 1: ruler was a guy named King jaos Young and one
Speaker 1: day the king's oldest son died, so his younger son,
Speaker 1: Lord ung Wo was promoted to air a parent and
Speaker 1: Lord Angwo was like hell yeah, so he promoted his
Speaker 1: favorite concubine, lady Huaiyuan to the status of primary wife.
Speaker 1: But the problem was Angwo and why Young didn't have
Speaker 1: any kids together, So there's no air for Ngwoh. Okay,
Speaker 1: so Onwo is the son of the king and he
Speaker 1: don't have a kid with his with his wife. Uh
Speaker 1: so there's no grandkids. So we're talking like third in line.
Speaker 1: There's no one to take over exactly. They're very worried
Speaker 1: about his bloodlines. Exactly. They need to figure this out
Speaker 1: long term planners. Very true, and ung Woa did have
Speaker 1: twenty sons already, but they were from other concubines, not
Speaker 1: his primary account. Basically they were like royalty, but not
Speaker 1: like they couldn't inherit right right right, None of them
Speaker 1: could rule um, but they did have other purposes. For example,
Speaker 1: one of his sons, Jin was sent away to the
Speaker 1: state of Joo to serve as a royal hostage, which
Speaker 1: basically means, okay, we have a peace treaty. You and
Speaker 1: I so I'll send you one of my sons as collateral.
Speaker 1: Now you know I won't blow you up or something. Okay,
Speaker 1: so on gwo at some points like son, that was
Speaker 1: a great game of catch U. Now I have a
Speaker 1: new job for you. I need you to go be
Speaker 1: a hostage in other territory so that we don't come
Speaker 1: and go to war with them, so that we don't
Speaker 1: kill you. You're you're you're the shield this foreign human
Speaker 1: shield from You're the only thing stopping me from going
Speaker 1: in and slaughtering everyone there and taking over. At least
Speaker 1: they think that, yeah, if you see me coming uh
Speaker 1: duck yeah, because it might not be to pick you up. Yeah. Well,
Speaker 1: one day lu Bua was traveling around Joo selling merchandise,
Speaker 1: doing his door to door thing when he came across
Speaker 1: Jigen in the capital Handan and he met Yegen found
Speaker 1: out that he's this royal hostage, and he knew that
Speaker 1: the queen didn't have any sons, and with the king
Speaker 1: only getting older, it seemed like this power vacuum was
Speaker 1: coming and Lubue's got the diamonds in his eyes, saw
Speaker 1: an opportunity coming here. So Lubua took one look at
Speaker 1: this young prince and he said, quote, this is a
Speaker 1: rare piece of merchandise that should be saved for later. Yeah,
Speaker 1: guy knew a good deal, right. Apparently he even went
Speaker 1: there's a whole section where he goes to his father
Speaker 1: and he's like, listen, you know if you plant a
Speaker 1: bunch of stuff, like, what's the return on your investment?
Speaker 1: And his dad's like, oh, tens you know, it's tenfold?
Speaker 1: You know. Oh well what if you do this a hundredfold?
Speaker 1: What if you do this a thousandfold? What if you're
Speaker 1: in charge of the next emperor of China? Oh well,
Speaker 1: your riches would be I mean, insanely trilliant. Come found interest.
Speaker 1: So he's like, I found him, I found him. I'm
Speaker 1: going to do this. It's a lot better than plant potato. Yeah.
Speaker 1: He's doing some math. Yeah, it's a very long term math. Okay.
Speaker 1: So he goes to this kid. He's like, hey, you're
Speaker 1: technically the son of the heir to the throne, even
Speaker 1: though your mom isn't the queen. I'm gonna work with this.
Speaker 1: I think I can make you the heir to the throne.
Speaker 1: And apparently was living in like pretty squalid conditions. So
Speaker 1: when this like enterprising merchant shows up with this great idea,
Speaker 1: like hey, yeah exactly, Yeah, oh boy, have I got
Speaker 1: your future planned out? And you're gonna be king of China,
Speaker 1: this guy is like, all right, yeah, that sounds good
Speaker 1: to me. What am I gonna lose here? So Yen promised, Okay, buddy,
Speaker 1: if you make me king, I'll share half the kingdom
Speaker 1: with you. I'll give you. I'll give Lubuay a ton
Speaker 1: of money and land whatever you want. Just yeah, sure,
Speaker 1: make me king. You'll be my guy. Yeah, if you
Speaker 1: say so. Power behind the throne and all that. So
Speaker 1: Lubu Way went to the queen Lady Huaiian and suggested
Speaker 1: that she adopt Yushen as her air and Lady Huanyang
Speaker 1: had a reason to do this, all right. She definitely
Speaker 1: had interest here because if the king died and she
Speaker 1: never bore him a son, all her privileges and royal
Speaker 1: and royal titles and everything would also be stripped from her.
Speaker 1: She wouldn't have any tie to the throne anymore. Classic
Speaker 1: Searcy issue classics. Right, She's got to make sure one
Speaker 1: of her kids is in charge, that she stays in
Speaker 1: power exactly, and preferably he comes to power a little
Speaker 1: too young. She can like that kind of thing. So yeah,
Speaker 1: Hwaiian is like, yeah, good call. I should be a
Speaker 1: part of picking this air and and getting myself security
Speaker 1: for later. So she's like, I'm in. The King and
Speaker 1: Queen formally adopt Yijian and they bring him to the
Speaker 1: palace and rename him Si Chu meaning son of Chew,
Speaker 1: because she was from the Chew state of China, so
Speaker 1: it was like a way to kind of be like, oh,
Speaker 1: now he's my son. He's like my adopted son. So anyway,
Speaker 1: close enough, here's the air. Everybody shut up, okay. So
Speaker 1: lu Bue has convinced the King and Queen to adopt
Speaker 1: this illegitimate son of the prince. Yeah all right. So
Speaker 1: lu Bue the merchant had this mistress and unfortunately for him,
Speaker 1: Zi Chu had met her and she was this beautiful
Speaker 1: dancing girl named Lady Joo, and to Chu became so
Speaker 1: infatuated with her that he asked Buei to give him
Speaker 1: Joo as a gift. And bue was not excited about
Speaker 1: this obviously. He's like, that's my girl. We've been together.
Speaker 1: It's kind of a thing. She dances like, that's kind
Speaker 1: of cool. She's won a million here, you want to
Speaker 1: sleep with her, but I'm kind of sleeping with her.
Speaker 1: I don't really want to stop, uh huh. But he's like,
Speaker 1: I mean, I did um invest a lot of time
Speaker 1: and money and you and I have put you in
Speaker 1: line for the throne, and you did say you were
Speaker 1: going to give me anything I wanted. So he's like,
Speaker 1: all right, I guess I'll hand her over to you.
Speaker 1: No questionable ship here about give me this woman as
Speaker 1: a gift. I hope. Lady Choo was like, at least
Speaker 1: got a chance to say, I guess he's not totally disgusting.
Speaker 1: Yeah right, I'll go. But probably not. She probably was
Speaker 1: told you live you used to live here, but now
Speaker 1: you live here. Yeah, maybe a speculation station. Maybe she
Speaker 1: was like, oh thank god, I don't want to be
Speaker 1: with the guy who willingly gave me to the emperor.
Speaker 1: I'd rather just be with this nice emperor to be,
Speaker 1: nice emperor to be. I mean that's true, you know
Speaker 1: it was definitely yeah, like in terms of how she
Speaker 1: was treated, right, maybe maybe I don't know. Maybe so
Speaker 1: lubuway hands over this girl Joo. But unbeknownst to Chu,
Speaker 1: lady Joo was already pregnant with lu Bua's child, so
Speaker 1: she married a Chu and gave birth to a son,
Speaker 1: ying Jong into b C. And then in two fifty
Speaker 1: one BC, just eight years later, the king died and
Speaker 1: Lord Anguo ascended to the throne. But only three days
Speaker 1: later he died, so boom Zi Chu is now the king. Wow,
Speaker 1: Lubua was like, my longs term plan. Had just got
Speaker 1: a whole lot very quickly. Oh yeah, that's what I
Speaker 1: like a guy who dies quick. So this kid who
Speaker 1: ended up king in like no time now fulfills his
Speaker 1: promise to the merchant lubuway and makes him a marquis,
Speaker 1: giving him a fifetom of over a hundred thousand households
Speaker 1: and making him the prime minister of the king. The
Speaker 1: guys got power, everything he wanted. He got his investment back.
Speaker 1: Some other merchant is like, man, I bought all these
Speaker 1: beanie babies and they're worthless now except for that one
Speaker 1: lady died one. But then get this, only three years
Speaker 1: after that, ch died and his thirteen year old son
Speaker 1: yang Jung, who is biologically lu Bue's son, now becomes
Speaker 1: the king, but nobody knows it's lun Everybody thinks that
Speaker 1: it's Lady Jao and Chu's son, right, totally legitimate king,
Speaker 1: no problem, even the kid doesn't know. Your real dad
Speaker 1: is the merchant who orchestrated all this crazy the true farce.
Speaker 1: It's such a soap opera, it really is. I'm like, yeah,
Speaker 1: one life to live wishes, so yeah, everything's coming up
Speaker 1: bou way. It's his way or the highway. And he's
Speaker 1: large in a charge. He's basically the regent because you know,
Speaker 1: king is still young, so he needs a lot of
Speaker 1: guidance his prime minister, so you know, he's kind of
Speaker 1: the the power power center of the palace at this point.
Speaker 1: Um the king is his actual son, even though nobody
Speaker 1: knows it. I mean, that's pretty he to know that
Speaker 1: for himself. Let's keep it in his heart. And he
Speaker 1: even resumed his affair with Lady Joo once her husband
Speaker 1: once c was dead, so he's really got it all him.
Speaker 1: But after a little while, he started to worry that,
Speaker 1: like his affair with Jaw, would cause some problems with
Speaker 1: the new king. As the king got older, would just
Speaker 1: be more and more problematic, would be scandalous for his
Speaker 1: prime minister to be sleeping with the dowager queen, and
Speaker 1: you know that's his mom. That's pretty messed up. It's like,
Speaker 1: I don't want my prime minister to end up being
Speaker 1: a stepdad. Also, like stepdad's aren't really a thing in
Speaker 1: this royal, Like, I don't want you to do that.
Speaker 1: I don't like that. But when he told Jow like, hey,
Speaker 1: maybe we should cool it, she us thought bu Way
Speaker 1: was trifling with her and didn't love her anymore. So
Speaker 1: I guess she's like, oh, sure, politics, that's always your excuse.
Speaker 1: Was it politics that was texting you last night? No, baby,
Speaker 1: I swear it would just look really bad. The optics,
Speaker 1: I'm telling you, man's the optics between us. It's not me.
Speaker 1: It's the optics. But bait It was a clever guy.
Speaker 1: So he decides he's gonna like put his mind to it.
Speaker 1: I mean, after all, he orchestrated this entire dynasty basically
Speaker 1: easy p easy to solve this one. R right. He
Speaker 1: didn't want to upset the king, but he also didn't
Speaker 1: want to alienate the queen. So what did he do?
Speaker 1: He decided that what Lady Joo needed was a distraction,
Speaker 1: preferably a nice big distraction. So distractions. So he goes out,
Speaker 1: you know what she needs the d and by D
Speaker 1: I mean distraction. So he goes out into the kingdom
Speaker 1: on a little talent search. I guess he's putting up
Speaker 1: posters everywhere, like if you know anyone more, call to uh.
Speaker 1: And sure enough, eventually he came upon a man named
Speaker 1: Lao I who had a dick so big that it
Speaker 1: could be used as an axle for a carriage. That
Speaker 1: is not the myth or the exaggeration, That is what
Speaker 1: this guy did. The ancient Chinese historian Sama Chien wrote
Speaker 1: that who I would even get musicians to come and
Speaker 1: play songs while Lao I quote put his penis through
Speaker 1: a wheel of polonia wood and walk about making certain
Speaker 1: that the Queen Dowager would hear about it to entice her.
Speaker 1: This little demonstration he's got going on outside, everybody gather
Speaker 1: around for this for the street performer slips his turgid
Speaker 1: dick through the spoke of a wooden wheel and just
Speaker 1: I guess, just runs around like he's playing the hoop
Speaker 1: and stick down the street. Girl. You would not believe
Speaker 1: what I saw in the square today, Queen, you would
Speaker 1: not believe it. This guy's dick so big. I'm hang
Speaker 1: on though the splinters. I definitely was like it better
Speaker 1: be nice and sanded down before you pushed. I imagine
Speaker 1: that lu bu Way was like, this is a very
Speaker 1: this is going to be a very special dick, So
Speaker 1: we can't have it be pucked and cut up. It's
Speaker 1: got to be ready for service at any time. It's
Speaker 1: just the most important dick in China, right, nicely polished interior. Well,
Speaker 1: it worked because his his Axcel dick cranks worked and
Speaker 1: Lady Joe uh pricked up her ears of this big
Speaker 1: dick energy that Lau I was rolling around the square with.
Speaker 1: But she's the dowager queen. You know how she's supposed
Speaker 1: to carry on an affair without causing a lot of scandals.
Speaker 1: You know, she could be persecuted, she could be ostracized
Speaker 1: for this kind of thing. That's exactly why bu Way
Speaker 1: was trying to end their affair, to not cause a
Speaker 1: bunch of problems. Right, but Bue's big brain hit on
Speaker 1: the perfect solution. He would have lou I accused of
Speaker 1: a crime something bad. Hear me out here out wait wait, wait,
Speaker 1: here we out. It's gonna sound crazy at first, but
Speaker 1: trust me, it gets crazier. He would have low I
Speaker 1: accused of a crime, something bad enough to require him
Speaker 1: to be castrated, but instead of chopping off his dick,
Speaker 1: they would just shave his beard and pluck out his eyebrows,
Speaker 1: which were the more outward signs of a un Nick.
Speaker 1: It was the way you knew a Unich without having
Speaker 1: to like actually make him strip naked in front of you.
Speaker 1: That way, he whispers to lady Joo, Wow, I could
Speaker 1: be part of your harem. He'll be able to come
Speaker 1: and go and come and go, come and go as
Speaker 1: often as he wanted without raising any suspicion. This whole
Speaker 1: strategy only Lubue could come up because I'm I'm thinking, First,
Speaker 1: we have to accuse him of a crime, So we
Speaker 1: gotta plant evidence, We need to hire witnesses. We gotta
Speaker 1: get this whole thing going. And then we got to
Speaker 1: make sure that he gets sentenced, so probably paying off
Speaker 1: the judge, make sure that this sentence really gets handed
Speaker 1: down like it's supposed to like we need it to.
Speaker 1: And then before they execute said sentence, we gotta bust
Speaker 1: him out of jail. And then we'll just shave his eyebrows,
Speaker 1: pluck his shave his beard, pluck his eyebrows, put in
Speaker 1: back in jail, and tell him, oh, yeah, well we
Speaker 1: did it. We cut his dick off there. And by
Speaker 1: the way, the Queen wants miss us her personal sermons,
Speaker 1: no reason, no reason. Meanwhile, she's like, I don't care
Speaker 1: about his missing eyebrows and shape face as long as
Speaker 1: that d is in the palace right, And by D
Speaker 1: I mean do process, which they did not have. So
Speaker 1: I think you're you're giving them a lot of credit.
Speaker 1: I feel like once the Prime Minister is like I
Speaker 1: want him castrated, bring him here and I'll do it,
Speaker 1: everyone was like, okay, long as it ain't me, I
Speaker 1: don't really care what happens this guy. So you're thinking
Speaker 1: much quicker, shorter, easier process. I don't think he had
Speaker 1: to hire nobody. He just said bring him here. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna chop his dick off, no harm, no foul. I
Speaker 1: like this dick heist, and I'd rather see that movie.
Speaker 1: I mean, that is a fun heist movie. The Ocean's
Speaker 1: eleven up. Getting this guy's dick not chopped off like that.
Speaker 1: Lady chow Is down for this too. Is like, she's like,
Speaker 1: do whatever you need to do, just give me that dick. Dick,
Speaker 1: it's so big. I mean, there was not another person
Speaker 1: in the entire region who had a dick this big.
Speaker 1: It didn't matter, they'd have to do the same thing
Speaker 1: with whoever it was. Right. Well, and considering that she,
Speaker 1: you know, was at first a dancing girl at lu
Speaker 1: bu Way's house and then handed off to another guy,
Speaker 1: it's been a nice that she gets to now do
Speaker 1: the choosing. Yeah, she's seen a lot of small dicks,
Speaker 1: probably doubt undoubtedly she's like, oh this is different. Oh
Speaker 1: this is a big d and by d I mean different. Amazing. Well,
Speaker 1: all in all, it worked out just like lu bu
Speaker 1: A thought it would. Wow. I ended up having the
Speaker 1: freedom to roam around wherever he wished in the palace.
Speaker 1: The queen was well satisfied with her new lover, and
Speaker 1: nothing remained that could threaten lu Bua's power. That is
Speaker 1: until law I maybe understandably got a little cocky, started
Speaker 1: swinging that big cocky, started swinging that big dick around.
Speaker 1: And we will get more into that story right after this.
Speaker 1: Welcome back everyone. So here's loo I walking around the palace,
Speaker 1: no beard or eyebrows, but he did have the love
Speaker 1: of the queen. Would you'll get you a lot further
Speaker 1: than facial hair in any day and age? So much
Speaker 1: so did did she have his favor that they ended
Speaker 1: up having two secret sons together who they hit away
Speaker 1: from yng Jong in the provinces. Like, so, my my
Speaker 1: son the king, I won't ever know about his secret
Speaker 1: half brothers because that would be bad news. You know,
Speaker 1: kings hate surprise relatives, has nothing to hate more. I
Speaker 1: don't know many people who love a surprise eyes relatives. Well, okay,
Speaker 1: if I had a surprise couple of brothers out there,
Speaker 1: I'd be excited to meet him. I wouldn't be ahead
Speaker 1: them immediately. They wouldn't be threatening my power. I don't
Speaker 1: have any well, I mean, except for the inherent social
Speaker 1: structural power that I'm given as a straight white man
Speaker 1: in this world. But they're not going to threaten that.
Speaker 1: Nobody that Oh it's too bad anyway. Jow showered Law
Speaker 1: with riches, giving him a palace of his own and
Speaker 1: hundreds of servants, and ennobling him as a marquis, which
Speaker 1: again just nobody's asking questions here because They're like that
Speaker 1: Eunich that we charged with a crime so heinous that
Speaker 1: we had to chop his dick off, who came in
Speaker 1: to work for you as a servant, now has his
Speaker 1: own palace and servants of his own justice. Because plenty
Speaker 1: of eunuchs would certainly gain favor and power everything. I mean,
Speaker 1: for keeping with our Game of Thrones thing, let's not
Speaker 1: forget Varius whispers whispers. But yeah, it's a surprised that
Speaker 1: if anyone asked, they certainly kept it to themselves. I
Speaker 1: did not write that ship down, that's for sure. Or
Speaker 1: maybe they were just a different society from ours, and
Speaker 1: they respected that a former convict could actually turn their
Speaker 1: lives around and do something good for the world. You know,
Speaker 1: I really got rehabilitated. Look at him being a great
Speaker 1: citizens helping the queen. The Queen's always so happy when
Speaker 1: she's been closeted with him. They're like a prisoner reform
Speaker 1: is real. We don't have to lock everyone up forever.
Speaker 1: We can help them turn around just by cutting their
Speaker 1: dicks off. A better world world t M. Anyway, So
Speaker 1: law I is a marquis. Now he's got his own palace,
Speaker 1: he's got his servants, and he started to get a
Speaker 1: little arrogant and reckless, feeling a little bulletproof. Not to mention,
Speaker 1: the only thing anyone ever tells him is, Wow, your
Speaker 1: dick is so big. You're the best. Hi. Will you
Speaker 1: do that wheel thing again? So he would get drunk
Speaker 1: and he'd start boasting about his close personal relationship with
Speaker 1: the queen, and he liked to get drunk with some
Speaker 1: high level officials. So this was totally unhinged for his behavior.
Speaker 1: This is a very stupid thing to do. And one
Speaker 1: night at a dinner party, after a big night full
Speaker 1: of drinking and partying, he got belligerent and he yelled, quote,
Speaker 1: I am the stepfather of the emperor. How dare some
Speaker 1: wretch opposed me? Let show you how big this dick is.
Speaker 1: Say that again? Like but he's like, no, you're supposed
Speaker 1: to be a eunuch. O can't other question? How is
Speaker 1: he hiding being a eunuch with this massive dong he's
Speaker 1: carrying around. He's always carrying some heavy bags in front
Speaker 1: of him. It's like in sitcouncept to hide pregnancy. He
Speaker 1: just has a big bag. He's always like holding a
Speaker 1: bunch of bananas in front of his tables. Banana's perfect.
Speaker 1: Well one of these high level officials that he's yelling at.
Speaker 1: I guess it was probably like, man, this guy sucks
Speaker 1: at parties. He's always bragging about the queen. So he
Speaker 1: decided to go tell Ying Jung that Lao is run
Speaker 1: around boasting about fucking your mom, and law I also
Speaker 1: seems to be plotting to replace Yang Jung with one
Speaker 1: of his hidden sons with the queen. Oh well, that
Speaker 1: ain't cool, and Ying Jung is like, oh hell no,
Speaker 1: So he puts out a royal proclamation basically being like,
Speaker 1: y'all see this guy, he has a dick, Like I know,
Speaker 1: it doesn't look like he has a dick because of
Speaker 1: the hair thing, but he does have a dick, and
Speaker 1: he's using it with my mom. Disgusting, and he wants
Speaker 1: to replace me with one of his sons with my mom.
Speaker 1: Just one bad idea after another with this guy. So
Speaker 1: law I, who's you know, been orchestrating this whole thing,
Speaker 1: is like, oh shit, I got drunk, I screwed myself over.
Speaker 1: Oh man, my stupid giant dick again, thinking with my head,
Speaker 1: not with my head. So he's like, you know what
Speaker 1: actually overthrowing the king is a good idea. Let's fast
Speaker 1: track this coup. So he took the Queen's seal, which
Speaker 1: is this special stamp that she used to authorize and
Speaker 1: legitimized orders from the palace, and he used it to
Speaker 1: mobilize his own army, which is crazy, like it's it's
Speaker 1: seriously just a rubber stamp. Get whatever you want you
Speaker 1: which I guess makes sense. I mean, there's only one
Speaker 1: place to get it. So if you like out in
Speaker 1: the provinces, you're like, well against the queen wants us
Speaker 1: to do this stamped it. What else do I have
Speaker 1: to go on? I can't call her It's been notarized. Yeah, right,
Speaker 1: So the King yan Jong, who was traveling at the time,
Speaker 1: ordered his old buddy, the Prime Minister lu Bua, to
Speaker 1: attack lou Ey's army and suppress the rebellion. And lu
Speaker 1: Bua has got to be like, god fucking lou that
Speaker 1: all you had to do was you had one job
Speaker 1: with that big dick, and it was to keep the
Speaker 1: queen happy. But no you had to go slapping people
Speaker 1: in the face with it. And now I gotta deal
Speaker 1: with it. So low I had put this whole army
Speaker 1: together at least a thousand guys, but none of them
Speaker 1: were military people. They didn't have any training, they weren't
Speaker 1: good at organizing, and the Royal Army definitely was, so
Speaker 1: they managed to kill hundreds of them during the battle,
Speaker 1: but Lau I himself managed to escape. He's running off
Speaker 1: the battlefield, tripping over his dick and he makes it
Speaker 1: into hiding. He said, you run a lot faster when
Speaker 1: you have three legs. Oh no, no you don't. He like, yeah,
Speaker 1: he like stuck it in a wheel and then he
Speaker 1: just rolled awayycle he lost he lost an axel, and
Speaker 1: he's like, only one thing to do. I was born
Speaker 1: for this, It's my time. Well anyway, obviously, not catching
Speaker 1: Lao I, the guy who started the whole rebellion, it
Speaker 1: was not going to work for Yang Jung. He's like,
Speaker 1: I need, I need to get him. So he placed
Speaker 1: a bounty on laois head one million copper coins if
Speaker 1: Lao I was brought to the king alive, and half
Speaker 1: a million if he was brought to the king dead,
Speaker 1: because Yeing Jong wanted to do that deed himself. Yes,
Speaker 1: he was incentivizing the opportunity to slap this guy around
Speaker 1: oh yeah, And it wasn't long before Lao I was
Speaker 1: discovered and brought before the king, and that's when the
Speaker 1: punishments began. All of Laoi's supporters were beheaded. Three generations
Speaker 1: of Laos relatives were executed. Ying was like if I
Speaker 1: hear about a single loud left in the entire state
Speaker 1: of chin oh, y'all are next. He wanted to kill
Speaker 1: every single one of them. Before and after. Lao Ying
Speaker 1: did not kill his mother, Queen Yao, but he did
Speaker 1: like her imprison her in her palace as like she
Speaker 1: was like under house arrest for the rest of her life.
Speaker 1: Um and the two sons that she secretly had with
Speaker 1: Lao I were found. They were placed into sacks and
Speaker 1: beaten to death, and Lao I was torn apart by
Speaker 1: five horses, which sounds to me like a quartering, like
Speaker 1: you know, but like maybe one on the head, an
Speaker 1: extra one, but one on the dick. Oh no, no,
Speaker 1: he's like one on each limb and one on the axle,
Speaker 1: and the horses all ran off in separate direction. One
Speaker 1: of the worst horrifying death. Horrifying also like did you
Speaker 1: really find these two sons or did you just find
Speaker 1: two poor kids somewhere and we're like, you'll do you're
Speaker 1: probably them. But they didn't have fingerprinting back then, did
Speaker 1: they DNA evidence? That's true, but it would have been
Speaker 1: in his best interest to get the right people. Yeah,
Speaker 1: he knew. I mean, it happened to his own father.
Speaker 1: If there's a guy running out there that happens to
Speaker 1: have enough of the bloodline, he could get enough support,
Speaker 1: he gives all lubu way and next thing, I know, right,
Speaker 1: So I feel like he probably did get the right kids,
Speaker 1: just like when they couldn't have been that easy to hide.
Speaker 1: I guess not. I just wonder when someone's in hiding
Speaker 1: like that in that era, like are you them? No?
Speaker 1: Damn it? Okay, I guess we'll ask somebody else. Maybe
Speaker 1: it was real nice about it, like free ice cream
Speaker 1: for whoever are the secret sons of these two people?
Speaker 1: They come running, that's us, that's me cream. This is poison.
Speaker 1: What are you doing with that? Sec? I bet he
Speaker 1: followed the money because they must have been sending money somewhere.
Speaker 1: That's good, So he probably. So where's they sending money
Speaker 1: that we don't make doesn't make sense? Look at Detective
Speaker 1: Diana over here tracking down the secret suns Big d
Speaker 1: d I meant stop, Okay, don't you mean desist? No?
Speaker 1: I do not no, no, Well that's what Yeing Jong
Speaker 1: was saying anyway. All right, Well how about Lubuai, the
Speaker 1: mastermind of the Big Dick affair. He was stripped of
Speaker 1: all his royal titles and he was sent into exile,
Speaker 1: but he was very scared that he was eventually going
Speaker 1: to be executed, so he just drank poison and died
Speaker 1: by suicide in two b C. I mean, if the
Speaker 1: other if he was worried about them five horses showing up,
Speaker 1: and it was probably a better option exactly. I thought.
Speaker 1: The Sam was like, well, you just did the job
Speaker 1: for him basically. But I guess if you have to
Speaker 1: choose your death, you're going to be like, let me
Speaker 1: find the most painless way. Otherwise he's going to punish me.
Speaker 1: And I've seen what he does when he gets bad
Speaker 1: um And I think there was some inkling, like he
Speaker 1: had some idea that oh that's coming, but he's decided
Speaker 1: he's pissed at me and coming for me. Probably the
Speaker 1: more information he's uncovering about this story, the angrier he's getting, absolutely, boy,
Speaker 1: and bu Ey's chosen retainers and trusted officials in the
Speaker 1: palace were also stripped of their titles. Ying wasn't taking
Speaker 1: any chances here, and he didn't want any loyal people
Speaker 1: sitting around. He did keep one around, Lisa, who became
Speaker 1: Ying Jong's prime minister and trusted adviser. And we'll talk
Speaker 1: more about that guy later, but as of now, all
Speaker 1: of Ying Jong's enemies were totally rooted out, murdered whatever
Speaker 1: needed to do, and he was the undisputed king of
Speaker 1: the Chin State. Now it's at this point that Ying
Speaker 1: Jong starts to really shape history for China. Remember how
Speaker 1: at this point China is a collection of seven warring states.
Speaker 1: They're constantly vying for power or at the very least
Speaker 1: autonomy from one another. Well, Ying Jung decided it's high
Speaker 1: time we unify all these states under my rule, of course,
Speaker 1: and he first went after the weakest state, Han and
Speaker 1: conquered it easily because again, weak state pretty small. Then
Speaker 1: he grabbed up the state of Jao, where his mother
Speaker 1: was from. Next, and bordering Chow was the state of Yin,
Speaker 1: and they knew they stood no chance of beating the
Speaker 1: powerful Chin army. But Crown Prince Don of Yin didn't
Speaker 1: want to take this land down, so he hatched an
Speaker 1: assassination plot. So Don got to warriors Jinka and Chin
Speaker 1: Wu Young, and he's like, here's the deal. You're gonna
Speaker 1: go to Yan Xiang in Chin and pretend to be
Speaker 1: nobleman from Yen begging for mercy. You know you can
Speaker 1: be oh, oh mighty Chin King. We know we don't
Speaker 1: stand a chance against your power and influence. Ya YadA, YadA,
Speaker 1: and bring him some gifts, something he'll really really likes that.
Speaker 1: You can get in nice and close and then bow
Speaker 1: you stick it to him. Easy. Yeah. Now they knew
Speaker 1: that Ying Jung wanted to conquer the du Kang region
Speaker 1: of the End State first because it had really fertile farmland,
Speaker 1: So one of their gifts would be this beautifully drawn
Speaker 1: map of du Kang to help him strategize. They're gonna
Speaker 1: stop by the gas station. They're gonna find that little
Speaker 1: rack with just a really nice fold out map like
Speaker 1: this was freshly printed yesterday. Like this is your last
Speaker 1: bathroom break before you get into do it. Yes, there's
Speaker 1: no toilets, so make sure you something and on your way.
Speaker 1: This is the world's biggest noodle. And if you just
Speaker 1: pull off, it's a fifteen minute visit, but you won't
Speaker 1: regretted it so cool. They got little hats and buttons.
Speaker 1: You're gonna be You're gonna have stories to tell for days. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I mean, if you're going to conquer, you may as
Speaker 1: well enjoy yourself. Exactly exactly. It's about the journey, not
Speaker 1: the d and by D I mean destinations. It won't stop.
Speaker 1: She won't stop. Um. But they knew that, you know,
Speaker 1: to get close enough to the king to stab him,
Speaker 1: a simple map was not going to be enough. They
Speaker 1: needed a better gift than that. Unfortunately, they knew about
Speaker 1: this disgraced Chin general Wan Yee, who was living in Yen.
Speaker 1: There was a price on his head from the state
Speaker 1: of Chin for a thousand gold pieces, and Wan Ye
Speaker 1: was pretty grumpy about that, so he wanted some revenge
Speaker 1: on the Chin kingdom. Hate having a bounty on my head.
Speaker 1: This sucks assholes can't go anywhere. And I couldn't find
Speaker 1: out why they had a bounty on him to just
Speaker 1: just betrayed them in some way. And he was like,
Speaker 1: at that guy for me, but he really a thousand
Speaker 1: gold pieces is a lot of money, so he really
Speaker 1: wanted him. So Jim Cub went to him and told
Speaker 1: them about this assassination plan and all we got this map,
Speaker 1: and one he is like, listen, you got to give
Speaker 1: him more than a map. He's not going to let
Speaker 1: you into the throne room just for that. That ain't
Speaker 1: enough of the gift, and Jinks like yeah about that.
Speaker 1: Um yeah. We thought that he would be pretty excited
Speaker 1: if we brought him like a bounty he was looking for,
Speaker 1: you know, a guy he like really wants dead, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean. And one he is like, oh yeah, huh, yeah,
Speaker 1: I know it sounds good. So oh oh you mean me, Like, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's that's that's why we're here. Here kind of came
Speaker 1: for you. Didn't want your permission to do this plan
Speaker 1: or anything. Just thought hoping you'd come along with us.
Speaker 1: And one Ye actually thought, you know, like, guys, you
Speaker 1: really got something here. This is a great plan. Honest.
Speaker 1: I think he'll get close enough to kill him if
Speaker 1: you do that. And so he agrees to commit suicide
Speaker 1: so they can take his severed head to Yang Jung.
Speaker 1: That's commitment to I hate this dude so much that
Speaker 1: I know you'll get close to him with my head,
Speaker 1: so let me just go ahead, and it's all yours.
Speaker 1: I mean, he really bet on this plan. So they
Speaker 1: behead the guy and then Prince Don gets them this
Speaker 1: super sharp dagger that's imbued with poison so that they
Speaker 1: can stab the king and they wrap it up in
Speaker 1: the map scroll. All they gotta do now is get
Speaker 1: at the palace, get inside, and killed the guy. Easy peasy.
Speaker 1: He's just yeah, he's part of the whole thing. We
Speaker 1: got the head, we got the map. I noticed there's
Speaker 1: no exit strategy, so they were clearly like, we'll probably die,
Speaker 1: but whatever, they're going to kill him. The plan here, yeah, right,
Speaker 1: the point is the task. So Jinka and chin Wu
Speaker 1: Young get to the palace and they're granted permit to
Speaker 1: see the king. Oh you have gifts, Well right this way,
Speaker 1: my friends, please get as close as you'd like. He
Speaker 1: loves gifts. Two gifts. Well, I think you could even
Speaker 1: give him a hug. But at this point, who Young
Speaker 1: freezes up. This is a kind of a funny note
Speaker 1: because he's known to be very tough. He was known
Speaker 1: to have had killed someone at the tender so he's
Speaker 1: like this guy but he gets in there, and he
Speaker 1: just gets like really terrified. Yeah, this is a big
Speaker 1: job used to killing, you know people as a kid.
Speaker 1: We just do it in the village. But I'm here
Speaker 1: at the palace. Everybody's watching me. Very upsetting. He starts
Speaker 1: trembling uncontrollably and like just having this little panic attack,
Speaker 1: and Jinka has to be like, oh, oh, don't worry
Speaker 1: about him. It's nothing. He's just Oh, he's just never
Speaker 1: set eyes on the grace of the Son of Heaven here,
Speaker 1: So he's he's just flipping out, a little star struck
Speaker 1: about meeting the king. Don't where. He did the same
Speaker 1: thing when we met Kianu last year, totally freaked out.
Speaker 1: It's embarrassing. But don't worry about it. You know. It's
Speaker 1: like he's meeting Beyonce or something. You know, he's just
Speaker 1: losing his mind. He'll calm down when he gets in there.
Speaker 1: But the guards are not happening. They're like, nah, we're
Speaker 1: not letting this fan boy in. You know, why don't you,
Speaker 1: Jinka go in and give him both gifts by yourself.
Speaker 1: So too man job has now become a one man job.
Speaker 1: So Jinka is probably like, God, damn it. Yeah, you're
Speaker 1: supposed to be my my fucking right hand man in
Speaker 1: this hold your ship together from some piece of ship.
Speaker 1: So he goes into the throne room alone. He goes
Speaker 1: up to the king and politely presents him with the
Speaker 1: two gifts, and as the king starts to unroll the map,
Speaker 1: Jinka crabs the dagger and the king sleep and like
Speaker 1: plunges the dagger towards his heart, but ying Jung backs away,
Speaker 1: manages to to evade the dagger, tearing his sleeve in
Speaker 1: the process, and starts to run away. And he starts
Speaker 1: trying to pull his ceremonial sword out of his sheet,
Speaker 1: but he can't get it out because the swords too long.
Speaker 1: So he's being chased around the throne room with Jinko
Speaker 1: wielding this poison dagger. He's pulling on this long ass
Speaker 1: sword that he can't get out of the chine, and
Speaker 1: there's no one else in the room has a weapon,
Speaker 1: because it's considered rude to have weapons around something. So
Speaker 1: they're just standing there like, oh, what do we do?
Speaker 1: Circles he can't get like this is supposed to be
Speaker 1: decorative but exactly like it won't come out out, and
Speaker 1: the scene becomes even more of a cartoon when the
Speaker 1: court physician Shea Woudo joins the chase, smagging Jinka in
Speaker 1: the back with his medicine bag. Stu's get the dagger
Speaker 1: and he's trying to get the sword, and you get
Speaker 1: to see it. It's like a Roger Rabbit cartoon. Oh
Speaker 1: my god. So the doctor hitting him with the medicine
Speaker 1: bag gives yan Jiang enough time to hide behind a pillar,
Speaker 1: and apparently his courtiers are are all like yelling at him,
Speaker 1: like he's on the prices right, like, get the sheath
Speaker 1: on your back and then you can draw the sword.
Speaker 1: Don't try stabbing him. Why don't you try stepping on
Speaker 1: the sheath and pull it out from there. Good idea
Speaker 1: that one. Just whip it, whip it, it'll fly off.
Speaker 1: Hit him, hit him with the health hit him with
Speaker 1: the yeah, and he's freaking out. It's like, what are
Speaker 1: you saying? Number three? Is that number two? Which one?
Speaker 1: But he does. He manages to get the sheath on
Speaker 1: his back and he like pulls the sword out like that.
Speaker 1: He jumps out from behind the pillar and he immediately
Speaker 1: stabbed Jinka in the thigh and sort of topples him,
Speaker 1: and desperate, Jinka throws the dagger at the king, but
Speaker 1: he misses, probably hits like a some old vase or
Speaker 1: something that falls and shatters through the round and someone's like, oh,
Speaker 1: I just finished painting that, or it just happens to
Speaker 1: like hit the eye of like a beautiful painting painting.
Speaker 1: But Jinka ends up getting stabbed eight times for all
Speaker 1: this trouble, and even though he's dying, Jinko wants to
Speaker 1: get the last word, so he stretches out his legs
Speaker 1: in front of him in a gesture that was considered
Speaker 1: very rude at the time, and he just hurled insults
Speaker 1: at the king until the palace guards finally arrived and
Speaker 1: finished him off. They also killed chin Wu Yang, who
Speaker 1: tried to escape outside. This is why I was so nervous.
Speaker 1: I gotta get out of here. Sorry, swim fan, get
Speaker 1: over here, Chaos. I mean, you could not write a
Speaker 1: better force like that ship is hilarious. I would love
Speaker 1: to see it on stage right. So yeah, that assassination
Speaker 1: plot did not work forre Wani, but it did make
Speaker 1: the Guinness Records for silious assassination attempt in his career.
Speaker 1: He was like, with it worth it cut my head
Speaker 1: off for a good joke. Well, and Yank Jung, you know,
Speaker 1: took it a little to heart. Personally, he does. He's
Speaker 1: a little overreactivity. He does not like these attempts to
Speaker 1: stop him from doing what he wants to do, so
Speaker 1: he went after Yen with a vengeance, and Prince Don's
Speaker 1: father even tried to mollify him by putting Prince Don
Speaker 1: to death, Like he's like, let me kill him for you,
Speaker 1: I'll do watch me. I got it. God, my son
Speaker 1: is such an idiot moron. It's like that guy um
Speaker 1: uh In John Wick when his son is the guy
Speaker 1: who like and he's like, stupid bitch idiot, like punches
Speaker 1: him out, which doesn't make me think. Like the court
Speaker 1: hot the royal hostage thing, how how much of a
Speaker 1: collateral is that it works? Like they weren't willing to
Speaker 1: kill their sons. This is a pretty extreme situation, it's true.
Speaker 1: But yeah, that did not work. He was like, thanks
Speaker 1: for killing him, but no, still going to take you over.
Speaker 1: And Yen fell to the Chin state five years after
Speaker 1: this assassination attempt. But it was not the last time
Speaker 1: someone would try to put down Ying Jong. And we
Speaker 1: will find out about a second hilarious assassination attempt right
Speaker 1: after this commercial freak and welcome back to the show.
Speaker 1: So Jinka was dead. All his friends and relatives went
Speaker 1: into hiding after this because they were fearing reprisals from
Speaker 1: the king. I mean, let's remember three generations of Laos
Speaker 1: family were put to death, so they were kind of like,
Speaker 1: this guy doesn't like anyone, you will kill us all.
Speaker 1: And one of Jinka's friends was a skilled loot player
Speaker 1: named Gao Jin Lee, and he hid his lute, changed
Speaker 1: his name, and became a waiter in a wine shop.
Speaker 1: It was like a whole new world, set up his
Speaker 1: own little personal witness protection. Basically, he's like, let me
Speaker 1: just dip out of here, start a whole new career.
Speaker 1: Forget this loot playing I've done for years. But one day,
Speaker 1: probably he's restock in the shelves or something, and the
Speaker 1: boss heard him singing and he's like, wow, my little
Speaker 1: waiter is a great singer. I ought to recommend him
Speaker 1: to the king. So he gets called before the King
Speaker 1: ying Jong to do a little performance. And while Gau
Speaker 1: is playing the lute and singing, somebody recognized him as
Speaker 1: Jinka's friends oh no, hey, I know that guy. He
Speaker 1: knows that guy. Which, again, as to your point about
Speaker 1: there's no fingerprints, I'm just like people clearly were like
Speaker 1: I better remember every face because one day that it
Speaker 1: could be useful. But Ying Jong was in a merciful
Speaker 1: mood that day, and he liked gals playing, so instead
Speaker 1: of putting him to death, he's like, buddy, I don't
Speaker 1: care that you were friends with my attempted assassin. You
Speaker 1: know you're a beautiful musician. I would never take this
Speaker 1: out of the world. I'm just going to gouge your
Speaker 1: eyes out. Pardon. Yeah, he blinded him. After that, Goal
Speaker 1: was welcome to play and singing for the king as
Speaker 1: often as he liked. Oh, thank you so much. That's
Speaker 1: exactly what I wanted. No eyes in a new job,
Speaker 1: well go. Understandably, he was a little bitter at this point,
Speaker 1: but he kept playing and singing and singing and playing
Speaker 1: until one day the king started to relax his guard
Speaker 1: around Gal, and Goal began hiding little pieces of lead
Speaker 1: in his lute until it got heavier and heavier, and
Speaker 1: each day he would sit closer and closer to the
Speaker 1: king as he performed. Finally, when he was he was.
Speaker 1: He was like, hey, here's the king. Here's here's little
Speaker 1: he's little pizza route lute here, and he's sitting right
Speaker 1: next to him. This machine kills fashion yep, And he
Speaker 1: picks up the loot and he swings hard at the
Speaker 1: King's head, hoping to cave his skull in and kill
Speaker 1: him once and for all. But he had this one
Speaker 1: little problem. You might recall, goal didn't have any eyes.
Speaker 1: He was blind. He could not see what he was doing,
Speaker 1: where he was, or which direction. So what was I
Speaker 1: imagine like a pinata game? Pretty funny. Somebody's blindfolded takes
Speaker 1: a big, heavy swing, totally bift it. Do you think
Speaker 1: he spun around from the weight, totally bifted, swung in
Speaker 1: a big circle, missed the king, and it was no
Speaker 1: more lute playing for him. He was executed for this
Speaker 1: assassination attempt. Another assassination, Oh boy. Yeng Jong apparently was like,
Speaker 1: I don't want anybody from the state again anywhere near
Speaker 1: me every again. I can't trust any of them. Right,
Speaker 1: He's like, I tried to be nice and just take
Speaker 1: your eyes. Yeah, what do you need? Those four at
Speaker 1: least useful thing on the body? I think so Despite attempts,
Speaker 1: no one could stop Ying Jung from unifying China, which
Speaker 1: he did successfully by two twenty one b C. And
Speaker 1: since he'd done all that, he wasn't any old king anymore.
Speaker 1: He would now be known as Chin shi Huang, the
Speaker 1: first Emperor of Chin, and it was time for some
Speaker 1: big changes around here. Before Ying Jong's time, several schools
Speaker 1: of thought about society and culture and morality existed. They
Speaker 1: were freely debated. It was known as the Hundred Schools
Speaker 1: of Thought, and it included Confucianism and Taoism and tons
Speaker 1: of other just philosophies about how the world should work basically,
Speaker 1: so it's kind of like the Warring States. Time was
Speaker 1: like a really chaotic time, but it was also sort
Speaker 1: of a golden period and freethinking Chinese history. But Chin
Speaker 1: chi Hwang and his Prime Minister Lisa, who remember was
Speaker 1: formerly the ally of Lubu Weah and the only guy
Speaker 1: that got kept on after they purge I guess you
Speaker 1: could call it um They both liked legalism the best. Now,
Speaker 1: legalists believe that humans are inherently selfish and had to
Speaker 1: be managed with a comprehensive set of rules, and those
Speaker 1: rules had to be enforced with severe punishments to keep
Speaker 1: them in line. Now they believed in the state above
Speaker 1: all else, including the individual welfare of citizens. Lisa was
Speaker 1: into this philosophy, and he pointed out to the Emperor
Speaker 1: that the feudal system had been the downfall of China
Speaker 1: once already. As soon as a leader ran out of
Speaker 1: profitable fifedoms to award his loyal followers with those followers
Speaker 1: would get butt hurt and they would start plotting against
Speaker 1: the ruler out in the provinces. Surrounded by friends, these
Speaker 1: guys could easily rile up a force before the king
Speaker 1: even knew what was going on. Far better, Lisa told
Speaker 1: the Emperor for him to centralize the government under a
Speaker 1: bureaucracy that operate from right here at the palace under
Speaker 1: his watchful eye. That way, no one could surprise him
Speaker 1: with any shenanigans. They wouldn't have this powerful warrior class
Speaker 1: capable of whipping up dissent. Instead, these guys would be
Speaker 1: tame and dependent courtiers and bureaucrats imposing the Emperor's will
Speaker 1: on people. So Chin Chi Hwang liking this idea, which
Speaker 1: is maybe not surprising after the whole thing with his mom,
Speaker 1: and two assassination attempts. He centralized the government, creating a
Speaker 1: system where all power flowed from the emperor. I gotta say, though,
Speaker 1: you know, looking at his history, two assassination attempts, the
Speaker 1: thing with his mom, all of that happened because he
Speaker 1: was a dick. You know. He couldn't stand the fact
Speaker 1: that his mom had a boyfriend, and he executed three
Speaker 1: generations of his family. Like, buddy, you brought this on yourself.
Speaker 1: As usual Meglomaniacs create their own first enemies, and then
Speaker 1: they say, I have to rule you with an iron fist,
Speaker 1: because otherwise you'll try to kill me. Like, well, we're
Speaker 1: not trying to kill you because you let us have
Speaker 1: our own autonomy. We're trying to kill you because you're
Speaker 1: an asshole. Yeah, because you keep killing us. Now we
Speaker 1: have the vengeance, you know, the vengeance that you have.
Speaker 1: We have that. Well. He canceled all aristocratic titles and
Speaker 1: privileges that he himself did not make a grant, so
Speaker 1: a lot of people who were very rich and noble
Speaker 1: were put to manual labor. They lost everything. Oh there's
Speaker 1: nothing rich people hate more than being put to manual labor. Too.
Speaker 1: He also standardized currency. He canceled everything, and it was like,
Speaker 1: this is there's one thing. Now we all use also language,
Speaker 1: he said, we used one language, one script. Everything should
Speaker 1: be able to be read by everyone else. He had
Speaker 1: canals and roads built to increase the efficiency of trade
Speaker 1: and of course the flow of information to and from
Speaker 1: the palace, because now you have this new system, you
Speaker 1: have to be you get a bunch of letters every
Speaker 1: day and be like how ship going way out there? Uh?
Speaker 1: And apparently it was the efficiency of this information flow
Speaker 1: was pretty notable, like pretty awesome. Well, I mean, unifying
Speaker 1: your currency and giving a bunch of roads and canals
Speaker 1: for goods and information to flow around isn't the worst
Speaker 1: thing a ruler has ever done. Not really. I wish
Speaker 1: somebody would build some roads and canals and trains here now, right,
Speaker 1: Infrastructure What a thing. I guess there's an argument to
Speaker 1: be made for, like, you know, ethnic languages out in
Speaker 1: preference of another one. But but yeah, I the money
Speaker 1: and the roads makes sense. He actually even required that
Speaker 1: the carriages on those roads had to have the same
Speaker 1: size axles engages so that they were easy to fix
Speaker 1: when they broke down, which is an interesting point. I
Speaker 1: never thought about them being made different sizes. But of
Speaker 1: course if you have a carriage that's a different size
Speaker 1: axle and you're traveling to to you know, a different state,
Speaker 1: and you can't find the size axle you need, well
Speaker 1: that that stops everything. That's my chain is disrupted. So
Speaker 1: I need you to all have the same ship should
Speaker 1: be standardized. The interchangeable parts did a did a lot
Speaker 1: for the industry of man, and I wonder if he
Speaker 1: was like, just for his memory, let's make all axles
Speaker 1: the size of loudes. He made him bigger, just like
Speaker 1: now is dick don't fit? No, no, no. He made
Speaker 1: him smaller so that when people told the story of
Speaker 1: him using his dick as an axle, they're like, oh,
Speaker 1: that's not that big. It's my dick's bigger than an axle, right,
Speaker 1: Yeng Jong was probably like, my dick's bigger than any
Speaker 1: This guy talked a big deal about his dick, But
Speaker 1: look how small a wheel is pencil into teeny wheels.
Speaker 1: After not that don't impress me much, he said, is
Speaker 1: that you? And of course you know he was again
Speaker 1: bit of a bit of a controlling guy, and he
Speaker 1: had the power of all the nation's laborers, and he
Speaker 1: puts them to work. He forced them to build huge projects.
Speaker 1: For thirty years, seven hundred thousand workers built his tomb
Speaker 1: and the mausoleum that you see in China today with
Speaker 1: thousands of life sized terra cotta warriors. That's only a
Speaker 1: fraction of what they made. Most of it is still buried,
Speaker 1: has yet to be uncovered. Another giant project was marrying
Speaker 1: all the disparate city walls together into one big Great
Speaker 1: Wall of China, which, as history collection dot com points out, quote,
Speaker 1: did double duty keeping the northern barbarians out and keeping
Speaker 1: the Chinese seeking to flee the emperor's onerous taxation and
Speaker 1: oppressive rule in So remember that about walls, they do
Speaker 1: two things. Not not an entrance nor exit exactly. Fun fact,
Speaker 1: I saw a part of the Great Wall when I
Speaker 1: was in China and not this was before our time. Yes,
Speaker 1: this is before we were together. In two thousand seven,
Speaker 1: I got to go to China with my family. It
Speaker 1: was very cool and the part that we were we
Speaker 1: were in Chian, China, and they have a very big
Speaker 1: part of the wall still standing. And they said it
Speaker 1: was because actually they used sticky rice too. Basically, glue
Speaker 1: all the brick, all the stone together, and it was
Speaker 1: so effective that it's one of the strongest parts of
Speaker 1: the wall. And I think about that every time I'm
Speaker 1: scraping egg yo popper plate dried egg yo, because I'm like,
Speaker 1: dried egg yo could hold a lot of ship together
Speaker 1: out of rice and egg yolk, and it'll stand the
Speaker 1: test of time. It'll be here. That's all I'm saying.
Speaker 1: Three thousand years from now. True, it's standing. Seriously. The
Speaker 1: emperor also ordered the burning of a bunch of history
Speaker 1: and philosophy books and banned all schools of thought but legalism.
Speaker 1: So that's where we're getting into. Uh, yeah, thanks for
Speaker 1: the canals, but say it's so good. He even ordered
Speaker 1: the mass execution of a bunch of Confucianists by having
Speaker 1: them buried alive. Now, this brings us to the inevitable
Speaker 1: part of every story from ancient history, where we have
Speaker 1: to say that it's possible some historian was just making
Speaker 1: this ship up. All right, a lot of this story
Speaker 1: might be exaggerated or made up for various political purposes.
Speaker 1: Uh that the story of lao Ey's giant dick comes
Speaker 1: from ancient Chinese historian Samachen's Records of the Grand Historian,
Speaker 1: which is a book he completed around nine BC. Confucianism
Speaker 1: was a prevailing mode of thinking by then, so they
Speaker 1: weren't big fans of the First Emperor at this point
Speaker 1: in history. He was like, you can't be confused. Yeah,
Speaker 1: he banned all their teachings and schools and everything. So
Speaker 1: some historians, including John Noblock and Jeff Regal, who translated
Speaker 1: lu bu Ey's Spring and Autumn Annals, I think the
Speaker 1: story is quote patently false, meant to both libel lou
Speaker 1: and cast aspersions on the First Emperor. Confucian society also
Speaker 1: thought of merchants as the lowest of the social classes.
Speaker 1: So making a merchant like lu Bua his father as
Speaker 1: well as you know, his legitimate his biological father, as
Speaker 1: we said, as well as making the emperor an illegitimate
Speaker 1: child at all, was the worst thing they could do
Speaker 1: to him. It'd be, like, you know, historian now being like,
Speaker 1: turns out Joe Biden's father is a DJH, the lowest
Speaker 1: of the social classes. The name lao I even means
Speaker 1: lustful misdeed in Old Chinese. So some people think the
Speaker 1: whole story about the giant dick was just an allegory
Speaker 1: for how a conspiracy threatens imperial bloodlines and maybe not
Speaker 1: a real story at all. Right, it was like Sally
Speaker 1: Slutty slept with a guy and guess what happened, you know,
Speaker 1: Like it was basically like it's you know, it might
Speaker 1: just be a whole fake thing. And the dick, like
Speaker 1: the word for dick is also close to the words
Speaker 1: of her conspiracy and stuff, so they're like, if you
Speaker 1: translate it differently, it's a whole it could just be
Speaker 1: a metaphor for something. I mean, throughout this story, I've
Speaker 1: been getting hints of the Elagabolus gender Empress of Rome story.
Speaker 1: She also put out a call for the biggest dick
Speaker 1: in romes uh and found it and did that guy
Speaker 1: pretty prominent figure in politics, and everyone hated him for it.
Speaker 1: Real similar kind of story a lot of the ways,
Speaker 1: And similarly we look at it now in history and
Speaker 1: some people say, technically this is historical record, but is
Speaker 1: it true. Just because somebody wrote it down a couple
Speaker 1: of thousand years ago doesn't mean it's necessarily true, because
Speaker 1: just like today, it might have been a hit peace,
Speaker 1: it might have been somebody making up a story and
Speaker 1: saying I'm recording history right now so that people remembered
Speaker 1: this person a way worse than they were because they
Speaker 1: didn't like them, right, and and like legitimize their own
Speaker 1: way of thinking in a way of governing even more
Speaker 1: by saying, man, this guy was, Yeah, he unified and
Speaker 1: cool whatever, but like look at he's crazy. Like we
Speaker 1: don't want that, we don't want that, we want this
Speaker 1: that we have now. Yeah. Apparently even the mass execution
Speaker 1: of Confucians that might even be a myth made up
Speaker 1: by Confucians like Harter's myths. Oh, he killed them because
Speaker 1: they only because they were Confucians and they wouldn't change. Um.
Speaker 1: Some research suggests that he actually killed like a group
Speaker 1: of alchemists because they fooled him into thinking that they
Speaker 1: had made an elixir of life for immortality. Um, and
Speaker 1: he was mad about that, so he killed them all,
Speaker 1: and they all happened to be Confucians. But that's not
Speaker 1: why he killed them. Because Chin Chi Wong was obsessed
Speaker 1: with living forever. He was like really single minded about this. Uh,
Speaker 1: he was willing to try anything, So he let in
Speaker 1: a lot of snake oil salesman, a lot of Charlatan's
Speaker 1: into the palace. They give him all kinds of different
Speaker 1: treatments and swear they would work, or they'd just be like,
Speaker 1: oh yeah, we're researching it, we're working on it. We're
Speaker 1: so close, so close. We just see a little bit
Speaker 1: more money, if you could just give me a little
Speaker 1: more money, And you know, kind of milked them along
Speaker 1: until he would get impatient and either execute them or
Speaker 1: like find a new kind of a d h D.
Speaker 1: Like he's like squirrel and you find another thing to
Speaker 1: to look into. One guy, a self proclaimed magician, Jiufu,
Speaker 1: told Schinchi Wong listen, I've been in touch with the
Speaker 1: eight immortals, who you know they live in the mystical
Speaker 1: pung Li Mountains. Everyone knows about pug That right, everyone? Great? Um, Well,
Speaker 1: I've been in touch with these immortals and they have
Speaker 1: the elixir of life, and they said I could get
Speaker 1: it from them for you. Yes, go on, but they're
Speaker 1: demanding six thousand virgins as a sacrifice. I'll tell you what.
Speaker 1: I'm going to give you as many ships as you
Speaker 1: want and six thousand virgins and you go get me
Speaker 1: that a lixer of life right away, Sir and yep,
Speaker 1: Chinchi Wong Gavesu Fu a fleet of ships. Six thousand
Speaker 1: virgins watched him sail away, never to rid her so
Speaker 1: long and thanks for all the virgins. And the legend
Speaker 1: is that he actually reached Japan and colonized with his
Speaker 1: six thousand virgins. Six thousand virgins. We're starting a new
Speaker 1: world together doing it. But I did read too that
Speaker 1: like it might have been that he really believed he
Speaker 1: could find the lixer and the they didn't. They were like, well,
Speaker 1: he's going to kill us if we go back without it,
Speaker 1: So then they just found somewhere else. This is nice.
Speaker 1: But I kind of love the idea of him being like,
Speaker 1: oh yeah, be I'm a magician, total the magician. Uh,
Speaker 1: the immortals talk to me last night. They called me
Speaker 1: last night. We had a great chat. They love you,
Speaker 1: by the way, and they said not just give me
Speaker 1: everything I want and I will go get that for you.
Speaker 1: I love that he if he does believe it, he
Speaker 1: gets to Japan, we can't go back empty handed. Well
Speaker 1: this place is nice to stay here. They got cherry blossoms, Nintendo,
Speaker 1: this place is great. Why don't we just look at
Speaker 1: this kiddy? She says, hello, adorable, why would we ever leave. Well,
Speaker 1: all this experimentation with trying to find eternal life ironically
Speaker 1: shortened Chin Chih Wong's life, and it drove him insane
Speaker 1: because some of his alchemists and magicians told him that
Speaker 1: until they found the elixir of life, he should just
Speaker 1: keep taking mercury pills to tide you over. This will,
Speaker 1: this will keep you going until we find the real thing. Mercury,
Speaker 1: the thing you should put in your body. Well, the
Speaker 1: mercury poisoned him slowly, and something that his crazier decisions,
Speaker 1: such as building a huge network of tunnels underground so
Speaker 1: he could travel around without being seen by evil spirits,
Speaker 1: might be attributed to all the mercury that he was
Speaker 1: taking that was making him insane underground, a place evil
Speaker 1: spirits don't like dark underground places. Well, eventually the mercury
Speaker 1: did kill him. He dropped dead inside his carriage at
Speaker 1: the age of forty nine. Not that he didn't live
Speaker 1: a full life, a very full life with a high
Speaker 1: body count. Uh huh. Well, and in a way he
Speaker 1: is a bit immortal, right, we're still talking about him.
Speaker 1: I suppose that's true. In a way, he found his
Speaker 1: e lixir in all the deaths that he caused, not
Speaker 1: an encouragement for your life. As an example, Well, the
Speaker 1: Prime Minister Lisa didn't want anyone to know that the
Speaker 1: emperor was dead right away because he's like, you know,
Speaker 1: I get to get my pieces together before all the
Speaker 1: power changes around here. So he and his courtiers made
Speaker 1: a big of continuing to bring and take documents and
Speaker 1: orders to and from this carriage as if Chin Chi
Speaker 1: Wong was still in there making decisions. I love that
Speaker 1: they walk up with the beast paper. Yes, Emperor, I
Speaker 1: do think you should sign this. What's that you're like
Speaker 1: my hair today? Thank you so much? Or they closed
Speaker 1: it over by him, hilarious, sir, you are you're so
Speaker 1: good that guy? Am I right, best emperor ever? And
Speaker 1: you know, of course his body is like rotting in
Speaker 1: the carriage, so there's an you know, noticeable smell. Well
Speaker 1: they hid that by positioning carriage is full of rotten
Speaker 1: fish nearby, which has to wonder if people were like,
Speaker 1: what is the emperor into these days? Like he wants
Speaker 1: that near him, Like okay, whatever, I guess I'm glad
Speaker 1: he's not beheading me for no reason They're like, oh,
Speaker 1: all these carriages full of fish. You see, the axle broke,
Speaker 1: so we can't move him out of the way. And
Speaker 1: what wouldn't you know it, We just don't have the
Speaker 1: dick the right size to fix it. There are a
Speaker 1: lot smaller these days. Everybody's dick is too big. We
Speaker 1: can't use are tried and true backup plan. But at
Speaker 1: least I really just wanted to make sure the right
Speaker 1: guy got the job next. Right, he did not get
Speaker 1: along with Chinschi Wong's oldest son, who of course would
Speaker 1: become the emberor next. So he faked an order from
Speaker 1: Chin Chi Wong telling his oldest son to commit suicide
Speaker 1: and naming his second son as the heir. She's throne.
Speaker 1: And I guess that's all it took because it was
Speaker 1: no problem. That's exactly what happened. Imagine, Oh, I got
Speaker 1: a letter from dad, what's it all right? Well? Others orders,
Speaker 1: I know, horrible And unfortunately the second son wasn't nearly
Speaker 1: as capable as his father, and their dynasty only lasted
Speaker 1: another three years. And it was the legalism that would
Speaker 1: get him in the end. Yeah. One of the defining
Speaker 1: principles of legalism was that severe punishments ensured that people
Speaker 1: obeyed the law. The reason that if you had a
Speaker 1: very severe punishment in place for even a minor infraction,
Speaker 1: people would imagine the horrors that would be visited upon
Speaker 1: them if they did a major crime, and that would
Speaker 1: keep them in line. And I gotta say, I know
Speaker 1: this is a bad idea because I had it in
Speaker 1: fifth grade. I remember when I was a kid thinking,
Speaker 1: why don't they just say, uh, you know, life in
Speaker 1: prison for stealing a pack of gum, then no one
Speaker 1: would commit crimes. But obviously that's a very limited and
Speaker 1: uneducated way. Yes, exactly because instead, obviously this type of
Speaker 1: punishment in place just encouraged a rebellion. After Chin chi
Speaker 1: Huang died, rebellions popped up all over the place. Civil
Speaker 1: wars began, and one of them, according to History Collection
Speaker 1: dot Com, was started by a platoon of draftees. These
Speaker 1: guys got stuck in the mud during a rainstorm and
Speaker 1: it made them late to their military stations. So one
Speaker 1: of the recruits asked around and he's like, hey, what's
Speaker 1: the penalty for us being late? And he was told, well,
Speaker 1: the penalty for that is death, same as everything else.
Speaker 1: So he asked him, Okay, well, then what's the penalty
Speaker 1: for I don't know, rebelling against all this. Well, the
Speaker 1: penalty for that is death, same as everything else. So
Speaker 1: he turned to his fellow draftees and said, quote, well,
Speaker 1: we're already late, I mean, and they slaughtered the officers
Speaker 1: and launched a rebellion, and not long after the Chin
Speaker 1: dynasty was quashed, and then the Han dynasty rose in
Speaker 1: its place and ruled China for the next four centuries.
Speaker 1: I mean, it's right, the in for a penny, in
Speaker 1: for a pound, may Wellbie hangs for you know, like
Speaker 1: if you're gonna try, if you're gonna punish people terribly
Speaker 1: either way, then they're like, well, I guess I'll just
Speaker 1: do the more horrible things if I'm going to get
Speaker 1: the punishment anyway, what's my incent to for not or
Speaker 1: I'll do the thing that's that at least I have
Speaker 1: a possibility of surviving and have a launch of rebellion
Speaker 1: against this insanity and hopefully come out with a better
Speaker 1: world than just show up late and get executed for
Speaker 1: no reason, all right, like just because, I mean, they
Speaker 1: definitely had a good reason too. It was like get
Speaker 1: stuck in the mud. It's not like we're laying around chilling.
Speaker 1: We were. It was rain rain. Do you see the rain?
Speaker 1: I don't know if you noticed about our axle broke
Speaker 1: and no one could fit their dick in there. Whose
Speaker 1: fault is that? I'd like to know? So, yeah, this
Speaker 1: is this is basically the China that we we know
Speaker 1: today has its roots in legalism thanks Chin Chi Wong
Speaker 1: and Confucianism. Both of those things still have a lot
Speaker 1: of echoes and the way the law is is made
Speaker 1: and enforced in that country now. And if it was
Speaker 1: not for Lu Bu Way's ambition and loud eyes, giant
Speaker 1: dick and queen jaws thirst, we might not have ever
Speaker 1: had this bloodthirsty emperor who was ready to really go
Speaker 1: to town to get control over everything. Wow. Really just yeah,
Speaker 1: that that thirst can really change a whole the whole continent,
Speaker 1: in the whole world. Have you brought us into the
Speaker 1: modern era? Right? Incredible? Can you imagine a dick so
Speaker 1: big it change the world. I've heard some people say
Speaker 1: they have one, but it's never true. Oh yeah, dick
Speaker 1: so big it'll change your world. And you're like, all right,
Speaker 1: let's see it let's see a stick it through a wheel?
Speaker 1: Can you roll around a car? Can you fix my
Speaker 1: can you fix my cheep? Didn't get your dick out
Speaker 1: of here? Ladies set standards, that's right. Everybody who wants
Speaker 1: a dick, set a standard for yourself. If you can't
Speaker 1: hold up a tire, then I'm tired of that dick.
Speaker 1: Damn right, are you ready to hold up? Don't ask me?
Speaker 1: Don't ask me there as I say, not as I do,
Speaker 1: not as I D, not as I D What what
Speaker 1: do you mean? I mean? Du what a story? Thanks
Speaker 1: for this one. I love this one seriously. I would
Speaker 1: watch I would watch a six seasons show about all
Speaker 1: these people, and they're insane. There's just too many. It
Speaker 1: was like I wanted to stop with the end of
Speaker 1: the dick story, but then the assassinations were too funny.
Speaker 1: I was like, we have to have those. And then
Speaker 1: the whole thing with him trying to hide his body
Speaker 1: with a bunch of rotting fish, and I was just like,
Speaker 1: y'all are farcical, and stop. Yeah, nold coward could not.
Speaker 1: It's so goofy, and it really is, but it's like
Speaker 1: goofy and harrowing at the people getting drawn and quartered
Speaker 1: or whatever. The five versions of Quarters is drawn and
Speaker 1: pentagrapt paret. Oh no, um? Is that what that movies
Speaker 1: about Mike Meyers really changed? But damn you know, HBO
Speaker 1: for real, Like, do do the Game of Thrones series
Speaker 1: about this? You know, it's not just a bunch of
Speaker 1: old white guys with the same name and I can't
Speaker 1: keep apart. It's a bunch of old Chinese guys with
Speaker 1: similar names. But I can't keep apart. But I'll watch
Speaker 1: the hell app watch. I would get it together. Yes,
Speaker 1: I'll figure it out by season three, just like I
Speaker 1: did with Game of Thrones exactly which bearded white guys.
Speaker 1: This uh so true though after because like I loved
Speaker 1: Seng Chi the Marvel movie. Um, but even that, it's
Speaker 1: a very serious you know, it's just very serious. All
Speaker 1: the leaders are like serious, and their followers are very
Speaker 1: serious and every stoic and it's very like honor and
Speaker 1: dignity and stuff like that. And I'm not saying that
Speaker 1: wasn't happening, but this still was happening. This farctical ship
Speaker 1: was still happening. Please lean into it. So funny, people,
Speaker 1: true and human. That's the one thing we keep learning
Speaker 1: at the history of this show. People are the same
Speaker 1: now as they have been throughout history and across the world.
Speaker 1: Like they like fart jokes, and they act fucking insane
Speaker 1: and they do the wackiest ship in the name of
Speaker 1: the wackiest ship. Yeah for a big dick whatever, hot,
Speaker 1: hot lady, crazy. I love it. I'm so glad story.
Speaker 1: I hope you loved it too. Please tell us, uh,
Speaker 1: don't send us any pictures of your dicks and wheels,
Speaker 1: and we don't recommend sticking your dicks in any wheels.
Speaker 1: Please don't do that and tell them that we told
Speaker 1: you too, because we're not telling you. We're telling you specifically. Matt,
Speaker 1: don't do that. Don't be it didn't work out for lau.
Speaker 1: I it's not going to work out for you. I
Speaker 1: mean it worked out for a while, alright, alright, alright, Yes,
Speaker 1: you've got to be a long term thinker like Luke
Speaker 1: A way, I gotta think about these things. But do
Speaker 1: send us an email, let us know what your thought,
Speaker 1: or shoot us a message on Instagram or Twitter anywhere
Speaker 1: you want. We would love to hear from you. Yeah,
Speaker 1: we love it every time. Always. You can reach us
Speaker 1: at ridic Romance at gmail dot com, writer on Twitter
Speaker 1: and Instagram. I'm at Dyanamite Boom and I'm at Oh Great,
Speaker 1: it's Eli and the show is at ridict Romance. We
Speaker 1: love it. Thank you for tuning in. We're back on
Speaker 1: our regular schedule now it's going to be great. Uh So,
Speaker 1: tune in next time and we'll see them. Love you
Speaker 1: by so long. Friends, It's time to go. Thanks so
Speaker 1: listening to our show. Tell your friend's names, Uncle Sandance
Speaker 1: to listen to a show ridiculous roll Nance