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Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie, and you're listening to stuff Mom

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Speaker 1: never told you. M M. And I am joined once

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Speaker 1: again by my good friends Samantha's me. Thank you so

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Speaker 1: much for being here, and I'm so glad you're here

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Speaker 1: for this one because you have a lot more expertise

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Speaker 1: in this topic than I do, your years and years

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Speaker 1: of it, which is dating. And we're going to be

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Speaker 1: talking about specifically kind of dating. What what's it like

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Speaker 1: these days these days? To be fair, that you've had

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Speaker 1: more experience in the dating ish world than I have.

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Speaker 1: But I have more experience in the different avenues of dating. Okay,

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Speaker 1: So we've got to two perspectives to bring to this. Yes, um, so,

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Speaker 1: I guess one of the things that one of the

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Speaker 1: ways people meet these days is online online. Yes, and

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Speaker 1: I have never dated online, and that's almost the only

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Speaker 1: way I've ever dated. Really. Yeah, I think I'm intimidating,

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Speaker 1: can't you tell I'm a mere voice. I'm intimidating. Um, Yes,

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Speaker 1: I'm very scared right now. A recent MTV survey of

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Speaker 1: three thousand single people found a large percentage reported feeling

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Speaker 1: extremely confused about dating. At two thousand. Six study out

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Speaker 1: of the US found that of the people that were

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Speaker 1: actively looking for a relationship had only been on one

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Speaker 1: date over the previous three months. So it's tough out there,

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Speaker 1: it seems like. So I maybe like the night who

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Speaker 1: hasn't been on a date in a year. Oh, that's

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Speaker 1: not true, that's six months ago. I guess that's closer, right,

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Speaker 1: I'm a success, I would say so. I would say so.

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Speaker 1: So let's look at some stats as far as online dating,

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Speaker 1: as of Americans have used online dating, either websites or mobile,

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Speaker 1: About thirty million unique visitors a month checkout dating sites. Also,

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Speaker 1: I did not realize there were subscription services like Netflix

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Speaker 1: for dating. Um, I don't know what I thought. I

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Speaker 1: guess I thought everything was free. Oh you don't know,

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Speaker 1: like match dot com and e Harmony. Who rules you

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Speaker 1: in with a trial and they're like, oh, but you

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Speaker 1: can't actually talk to this person unless you yeah, unless

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Speaker 1: you actually subscribe for a week. I don't think it's

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Speaker 1: that much, but it tries to get you with a

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Speaker 1: big deal, like six months of this is cheaper than

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Speaker 1: the three months that versus the one month the world

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Speaker 1: wide Web. They're sneaky as people. I I mean, I'm

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Speaker 1: naive for thinking that I would have Can we bee

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Speaker 1: visit the word unique? What does that mean? Like the

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Speaker 1: whole unique visitors? It means that it's not the same

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Speaker 1: person refreshing the page or burned over our checking, get

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Speaker 1: over and over that. I know. We we like to

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Speaker 1: have specific types of people, Okay, going, Everyone's unique in

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Speaker 1: that everyone is special in their own way. Nearly half

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Speaker 1: of the public knows someone who has met their partner

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Speaker 1: or spouse through online dating. Uh, and it is a

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Speaker 1: three billion dollar industry. We'll think about all the advertisements

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Speaker 1: as well. People make money through Like all of the

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Speaker 1: free sites have some type of advertisement behind it that

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Speaker 1: you see and or links or something along those lines. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: it's true. Sponsorships, sponsorships, Yes, we have been sponsored by

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Speaker 1: more than one. Mash dot com went up from around

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Speaker 1: three point four million subscribers to over seven million tender reports,

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Speaker 1: getting one point six billion swipes per day, resulting in

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Speaker 1: one point five million dates a week. Another less than

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Speaker 1: scientific study found that of the respondents, millennials were more

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Speaker 1: likely to be addicted to dating, men were more likely

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Speaker 1: than women to report that, and of women reported feeling

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Speaker 1: burnt out. Oh yeah, I understand that. You know there

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Speaker 1: are all kinds of very specific dating site like farmers

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Speaker 1: Only dot com hinge which sets you up with friends

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Speaker 1: of friends supposedly, and then Bumble women are the focus

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Speaker 1: and they message first and they had the control. There's

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Speaker 1: things like black Planet, which actually is like specifically to

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Speaker 1: African Americans or black the black community. UM Ashley Madison,

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Speaker 1: we are know about what that is, along with the

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Speaker 1: lines of the sugar Daddy dot com you know and

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Speaker 1: sometimes in appropably used LinkedIn We've heard. I had never

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Speaker 1: known about that, but I'm not surprised. I mean, you

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Speaker 1: and I already talked about the whole way back when

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Speaker 1: sliding into the DN that's a new form, well not

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Speaker 1: a new wolf new form, but a form of trying

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Speaker 1: to hook up with someone. I did not know that.

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Speaker 1: Samantha had to educate me of many mistakes I had

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Speaker 1: made that I thought were completely innocent. I didn't realize

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Speaker 1: there was this connotation like it's a song. You're like,

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Speaker 1: oh yeah, this guy you know message was like he

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Speaker 1: slid into a d and you're like, what, like here,

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Speaker 1: let me play the web song for you. That's how

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Speaker 1: I went down, And that was another one of our

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Speaker 1: cheese night. It was a beautiful, beautiful night. Yeah. Oh,

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Speaker 1: I learned a lot that night, multiple stories of men

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Speaker 1: setting up accounts as women to see what it's like

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Speaker 1: and getting multiple messages within minutes that exist and like

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Speaker 1: usually the men shut down the accounts pretty quickly because

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Speaker 1: they get overwhelmed, right welcome then yea. At the same

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Speaker 1: time of Americans and one survey agreed with the statement

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Speaker 1: quote people who use online dating sites are desperate, which

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Speaker 1: I find interesting. However, in one third of all marriages

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Speaker 1: in the US started online. Well you gotta think about

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Speaker 1: the whole like size are desperate thing. There's that cliche

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Speaker 1: of what will pretend like we didn't meet online, as

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Speaker 1: well as the fact like people have hesitations because they

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Speaker 1: don't understand why. Maybe I don't know what it is

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Speaker 1: for you that you hesitate. Maybe you've already got too

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Speaker 1: much on your plate, which I know you do. He

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Speaker 1: as well as people like my friend, uh Brendan, I'm

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Speaker 1: gonna put him out here, he would never touch it

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Speaker 1: because he was like, I'd rather be alone than put

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Speaker 1: in that much effort. Yeah it is, and you know what,

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Speaker 1: it is a lot of effort. Yeah, and we're going

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Speaker 1: to be talking about some of that. Oh yeah, I

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Speaker 1: found several articles that described online dating fatigue and an

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Speaker 1: apathy around dating, the random, often tedious, and possibly dangerous nature,

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Speaker 1: wearing folks down, and yeah, reading about it, to me,

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Speaker 1: it kind of sounded like a tense, exhausting homework assignment. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: it really sounds like it. People who have done online

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Speaker 1: dating for more than a few months understand how exhausting

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Speaker 1: it is to not only filter out the crazies I

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Speaker 1: want to say, crazy inappropriate people who say inappropriate things

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Speaker 1: to you at inappropriate times, which is usually a never

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Speaker 1: good time, you know, which also we'll talk about a

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Speaker 1: little later, like dick pics, which is absurd in itself,

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Speaker 1: and then solicited and then you have all the I

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Speaker 1: love the all the new Instagram and Twitter accounts that

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Speaker 1: pretty much put people on blast for the ridiculous responses.

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Speaker 1: But that's part of the whole Oh my gosh, why yeah? Yeah,

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Speaker 1: And when you can dense courting are dating into a

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Speaker 1: swipe A lot does get lost that hot or not thing? Yeah?

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Speaker 1: Wait back when? Yeah, for people who don't know what,

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Speaker 1: I'm going to assume most people do. But if you don't,

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Speaker 1: like if you use a dating app, um, you swipe

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Speaker 1: left or right to say no or yes. And there

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Speaker 1: used to be a site which was kind of like

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Speaker 1: a game way back when, called Hot or Not. And

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Speaker 1: it wasn't necessarily dating, It was just for judging people.

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Speaker 1: Mark Zuckerberg. Um. And so this like swiping, is supposed

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Speaker 1: to save time in a society where time is very scarce,

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Speaker 1: but ultimately most of the time it doesn't save you

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Speaker 1: any any time. It makes the first step easy. But

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Speaker 1: some people report spending ten to fifteen hours a week

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Speaker 1: online dating for maybe one date maybe no date. Wow, Okay, yeah,

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Speaker 1: that's that's a lot more than I do. Maybe I

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Speaker 1: just don't have the patience or the drive. Yeah, I

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Speaker 1: wouldn't one problem. Sometimes people you aren't attracted to at

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Speaker 1: first site grow attractive to you as you get to

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Speaker 1: know them. Efficiency is at odds with effectiveness. From Franny

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Speaker 1: Steinlage at The Atlantic quote, there's a whole new currency,

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Speaker 1: and the currency is people. And if you lose one

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Speaker 1: person one day, that's fine. You have five hundred others

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Speaker 1: at your disposal. And you know, this is not based

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Speaker 1: on research, is just based on my friend group as

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Speaker 1: well as people that I know that have gone online dating.

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Speaker 1: It spills like that men a little more choosier about

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Speaker 1: looks in physical appearance than women, like women will actually

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Speaker 1: base a denial on oh. He wrote these in these

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Speaker 1: things never mind, Like I know, for me, I don't

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Speaker 1: necessarily have a specific type, but if you catch me

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Speaker 1: with a good intro and that I laugh, I'm more

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Speaker 1: likely going to give you a chance. I'm seeing from

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Speaker 1: other men they're like, yeah, she's not cute and automatically. Again,

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Speaker 1: this is not based on research. This is just what

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Speaker 1: I've seen any witness, Yeah, which is kind of like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: that's odd or is it not odd? I guess it's

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Speaker 1: kind of the whole superficial thing that we go back

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Speaker 1: and forth men versus women. Yeah, yeah, I've I've been

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Speaker 1: thinking about this recently because I feel, as I've said,

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Speaker 1: I don't really feel sexual attraction, but I feel emotional

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Speaker 1: attraction and sometimes romantic attract very rarely sometimes. So I

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Speaker 1: wouldn't I feel like I wouldn't get that online dating

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Speaker 1: right or would be very hard. I could read a

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Speaker 1: profile and think maybe there's something, um, yeah, So I

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Speaker 1: don't think it would be affective for me particularly, but

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Speaker 1: I do. I used to look down on online dating,

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Speaker 1: and now I don't at all. I think, UM, it

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Speaker 1: can be really useful, but it can be very entertaining.

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Speaker 1: I've heard that. I've heard that some good stories. However,

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Speaker 1: some studies have linked online dating to depression and low

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Speaker 1: self esteem. UM. And this goes back to you, I

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Speaker 1: have uh, I feel like I can't I can't remember.

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Speaker 1: There's satisfiers and maximizers um, and so that some people

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Speaker 1: are always looking to maximize it. You're with someone and

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Speaker 1: while you're with that person, you're thinking, I could be

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Speaker 1: with someone better, I just haven't found them yet. And

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Speaker 1: so there's this you're never satisfied, You're always looking for

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Speaker 1: something better. And then at the same time, I would

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Speaker 1: imagine if you're not getting any matches, if no one

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Speaker 1: is swiping right on you, that would impact you feel

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Speaker 1: because for me it is absolutely my anxiety comes up

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Speaker 1: at higher if I'm actually with someone that I'm interested

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Speaker 1: in and we're invested in time, and I'm thinking they're

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Speaker 1: probably looking still looking for something better, and I'm just

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Speaker 1: a part of their time like ster because for me,

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Speaker 1: a lot of them, like the link to I've definitely

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Speaker 1: had a few good connections that we'll just suddenly end,

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Speaker 1: and the next person they were with they're married, and

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Speaker 1: I'm like, what the hell just happens? Like, how am

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Speaker 1: I the step before? That's okay, it's okay, not better,

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Speaker 1: dess not better, none of those things. Nope, Nope. In

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Speaker 1: the past five years, reports have suggested that the link

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Speaker 1: between online dating and rape have gone up. Do you

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Speaker 1: think we just get more data because of its online

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Speaker 1: dating or you think that's actually because of the interaction.

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Speaker 1: I think it's because. I think it's probably multi There's

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Speaker 1: a lot of reasons, right. I think it's probably because

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Speaker 1: more people are doing it and there is more data. Well,

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Speaker 1: I was going to add again, yes, fatigue, that's so correct.

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Speaker 1: Like me, who has been on for years, I think

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Speaker 1: I go off and on all the time because I

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Speaker 1: will just like not I quit. No, okay, I've tried again,

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Speaker 1: No I quit. Um. It gets really frustrating between the

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Speaker 1: trying to decipher whether a person is actually truthful, like

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Speaker 1: are they actually single or are they just trying to

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Speaker 1: sound find something on the side, or any of those questions,

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Speaker 1: and then if they're not interested as the same as

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Speaker 1: you are, or just the overall ridiculous messages that you

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Speaker 1: receive at times, I've gotten many weird requests. Also, remember

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Speaker 1: I'm Asian, so therefore the level of people out there

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Speaker 1: with Asian fetishes, it's a large number. I get some

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Speaker 1: of the weirdest messages requesting the weirdest things, and I

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Speaker 1: actually had to put into my profiles. Please don't ask

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Speaker 1: me to do this. I'm not that type of person.

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Speaker 1: You're not going to see me this, don't compare me

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Speaker 1: to an anime that's all you're interested in. Please don't

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Speaker 1: contact me. I got some weird stuff. I'm like, I'm like,

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Speaker 1: I'm really, I'm really not going to put on weird

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Speaker 1: dominatrix fantasy things for you. Does that really? Like you?

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Speaker 1: Just kidding? Just kidding? Maybe? Um, But I mean there's

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Speaker 1: a lot of that as well that I'm very cautious of,

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Speaker 1: and honestly, that's one of my requirements. If I see

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Speaker 1: too much Asian interests into your profiles, I'm like, yeah, no, no, no,

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Speaker 1: no, no no, no, no, absolutely not, because it just already

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Speaker 1: levels into all right, you have this obsession. I can't

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Speaker 1: be that person for you. That's fair. Um. Online dating

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Speaker 1: has borne out something else that we've been hearing about

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Speaker 1: a lot in the pact couple of years, which is

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Speaker 1: the increased importance of dating someone who shares your political beliefs.

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Speaker 1: Of people on Okay Cupids say they wouldn't date someone

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Speaker 1: who supports the president. Um, yeah, I would say that

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Speaker 1: my standards have definitely changed since the new Wish administration.

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Speaker 1: For me, the sites with political affiliations have become very

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Speaker 1: helpful and I actually really really like it. And with that,

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Speaker 1: I'm even more strict with the rules I have about

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Speaker 1: dating and what's acceptable and what's not. And honestly, um,

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Speaker 1: and you'll hear later on in the SoundBite when I

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Speaker 1: talk to different people about their dating rules and their

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Speaker 1: online dating requirements, they have started talking about how they

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Speaker 1: have become even more stranged about their requirements in politics

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Speaker 1: because of the recent changes. And I know for myself,

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Speaker 1: even if I and I'm sorry, even if I see

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Speaker 1: that you're moderate as a white man, automatically no, it's

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Speaker 1: automatically no, because I'm like, at this in this climate,

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Speaker 1: that means something. That means that there's some type of

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Speaker 1: privilege that you've experienced that you don't have to worry

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Speaker 1: about it as much as I do, or a person

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Speaker 1: of color does, or a woman does. So that should

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Speaker 1: automatically put that puts off like signs, and I'm like,

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Speaker 1: you need to care a little bit more whether it's

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Speaker 1: just yeah, what's happening right now is gross. For the

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Speaker 1: rights of women, for the rights of people of color,

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Speaker 1: for the rights of the l g B t Q

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Speaker 1: I community, like, all of that is important, and I

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Speaker 1: think that's part of the things that I'm like, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: five years ago, I wouldn't have thought about it as much.

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Speaker 1: I would maybe giving you a chance. At this point,

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Speaker 1: I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, yeah, fun,

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Speaker 1: fun stat for me. Did you do profiles with names

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Speaker 1: or use your names that come early in the alphabet

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Speaker 1: are perceived as more attractive, So I would be slaying

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Speaker 1: and I need to rethink my strategy. Apparently, just Sam,

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Speaker 1: I think you're onto something. I think I might have

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Speaker 1: to tried this as like an experiment, two profiles more

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Speaker 1: attraction with sminty experiment. I like it, you know, all experiments.

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Speaker 1: And so let's talk about dating. In this era of

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Speaker 1: hashtag me too, U of male respondents aged, I've reported

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Speaker 1: that me too has changed how they approach potential romantic

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Speaker 1: relationships and doing the research, I gotta say I got

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Speaker 1: pretty tired pretty quickly of reading woe is me. I

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Speaker 1: don't know what to do anymore. I'm on edge the

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Speaker 1: whole time. Accounts from men. Yeah, it sucks, but it

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Speaker 1: has sucked for women for it, right, And also what

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Speaker 1: we have to accept as it happens, right, right, Also

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Speaker 1: those questions like what I can't even flirt with a

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Speaker 1: woman in the others and amore, this isn't life. Geraldo

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Speaker 1: Rivera said sexual harassment was criminalizing courtship. Yeah, um eraldo Rivera. Really,

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Speaker 1: I love how these conversation conversations act as if we

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Speaker 1: were taken away a privilege somehow or a right. Where

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Speaker 1: did this concept of consider go out the window? How

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Speaker 1: did it go away? If I'm interested in you, you

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Speaker 1: will know. I really hope that you have the common

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Speaker 1: sense to understand when a woman is interested and when

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Speaker 1: it's not. And I understand sometimes those rules and those

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Speaker 1: get a little bit you know, sketchy and such, And

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Speaker 1: if you're in doubt, just don't. Yeah, just don't. That's

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Speaker 1: the safest way. And if I was interested in you

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Speaker 1: and you become forceful or aggressive, believe me, everything changes

291
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Speaker 1: no longer interested. So it's kind of like you need

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Speaker 1: to figure out your own lifestyle and what you understand

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Speaker 1: as consent and rights and privileges. Because the whole I said,

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Speaker 1: I like the whole concept of picking women up. I

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Speaker 1: think it's also an issue when it comes to the

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Speaker 1: understanding of what consent is, like the whole harassment, like

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Speaker 1: the whole continued violation, and we're just getting into that space,

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Speaker 1: you know. I love The Office. That's one of my

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Speaker 1: favorite favorite sitcoms. I watch it all the time. It's

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Speaker 1: one of those that I watched when I'm like I

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Speaker 1: need to think about nothing. But some of the episodes

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Speaker 1: that really really bothered me recently are when Michael, who

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Speaker 1: we know is inappropriate and cannot read cues really well

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Speaker 1: and ridiculous. But several of the like the relationships they

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00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:59,200
Speaker 1: pursue is stalker ish, and I'm like, this is really,

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Speaker 1: like we've allowed it us funny and endearing, and maybe

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Speaker 1: that's part of the reason we have such misconceptions of

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Speaker 1: consent in what trying isn't trying, But like literally there

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00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:13,040
Speaker 1: are two women where he just keeps trying to either

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Speaker 1: kiss them or force a relationship on them, and it

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Speaker 1: finally turns out okay for him, but let's be clear,

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Speaker 1: that's not supposed to happen, and that's not okay. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: for sure. There's also all the complaining about how you

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Speaker 1: can't even have our mistress because women find out somewhere

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00:18:31,480 --> 00:18:35,760
Speaker 1: or another through modern technology, I can't deceive women anymore.

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Speaker 1: What what I can't have three families in three different

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00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:43,960
Speaker 1: parts of the country or the world. Wow, this is terrible, terrible.

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Speaker 1: There are accounts from women saying at the end of

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Speaker 1: her states, essentially that that men would say to them

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Speaker 1: because of this whole me too thing, I'm not going

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Speaker 1: to make a pass that you You're going to have

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Speaker 1: to make the first move. Um, concerned more than they'll

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Speaker 1: be accused than of actually preventing harm. Can we just

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Speaker 1: revisit again the whole statistic of women reporting and again

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Speaker 1: making accusations, and again even believing that they've been violated.

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Speaker 1: I mean, yes, you should absolutely be willing to talk

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Speaker 1: about these things, but to put it off as if

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Speaker 1: you're being hindered and or this is all of this fault,

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00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:28,919
Speaker 1: your fault, women's fault. Come on, guys, yeah, come on,

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Speaker 1: um and other people just come on, yeah, everybody, apologists,

331
00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:39,200
Speaker 1: come on. Data from dating dot Com indicates that sends

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Speaker 1: me to women initiating conversations with men has gone up,

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Speaker 1: while men initiating contact has gone down by about the

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00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:50,960
Speaker 1: number of unsolicited nudes has gone down as well. Actually, yeah,

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00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:52,920
Speaker 1: one of the people that I talked to, I asked her,

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00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:54,639
Speaker 1: I was like, how did you How did this affect you?

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00:19:54,680 --> 00:19:56,480
Speaker 1: Has me too, She's like, you know what the new

338
00:19:56,520 --> 00:19:59,400
Speaker 1: thing has been? They now asked me if I want

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00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:01,280
Speaker 1: to dick PI other than just sitting me. She's like,

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00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:04,359
Speaker 1: I really appreciate that. I'm like, so, have you ever

341
00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:06,800
Speaker 1: said yes? She's like no, no, no, no, no. So

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00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:12,640
Speaker 1: it's interesting. I guess sure, Still why why indeed? Keep going?

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00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:15,520
Speaker 1: I was recently at the Southern Food Ways Alliance symposium

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00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:17,840
Speaker 1: and listening to people in the food service industry discussing

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Speaker 1: how to handle the situation like a date gone wrong,

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00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:23,680
Speaker 1: and it was really saddening. In the UK, there was

347
00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:26,000
Speaker 1: a whole campaign called ask for Angela, which was a

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00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:32,560
Speaker 1: code word for staff so they could discreetly take action. Well, yeah,

349
00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:34,320
Speaker 1: so I decided I wanted to also talk to my

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00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:37,920
Speaker 1: friend grave but about this online dating experience, because obviously

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Speaker 1: I'm not the only one who has gone through all

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Speaker 1: these shenanigans. So this is the first group of my friends,

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Speaker 1: which include Casey, Joe, Matt, and Louise. And just to

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00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:48,879
Speaker 1: let you know, Matt and Louise actually met online and

355
00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:52,160
Speaker 1: have been together for a while now. I've been on

356
00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:56,919
Speaker 1: online dating sites off and on for six years. I

357
00:20:56,920 --> 00:21:01,399
Speaker 1: think probably had to be twice so eleven years that

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00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:04,399
Speaker 1: I YEA the first time that I loved into. I

359
00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:08,960
Speaker 1: would say I've been using them often on, not right now,

360
00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:15,080
Speaker 1: but often on for probably ten or eleven years. I

361
00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:17,720
Speaker 1: was probably an early adopter, and I probably had it

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00:21:17,840 --> 00:21:21,800
Speaker 1: about eleven years about when it came out, because right

363
00:21:21,840 --> 00:21:24,879
Speaker 1: around my space time, if I remember correctly, Oh you

364
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:27,480
Speaker 1: want one of the first what height? Did you go on?

365
00:21:28,280 --> 00:21:31,600
Speaker 1: The first one? The first one I downloaded was Hinge

366
00:21:32,119 --> 00:21:35,400
Speaker 1: And why I liked the concept of it better because

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00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:38,040
Speaker 1: I was weirded out by aline dating and the concept

368
00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:40,880
Speaker 1: was that you could potentially meet in real life because

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00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:46,040
Speaker 1: you have mutual friends. So well original wise, I have

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00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:49,959
Speaker 1: to say Yahoo chat rooms and l chat rooms because

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00:21:50,560 --> 00:21:54,240
Speaker 1: that's a s L you know, age sex on location.

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00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:59,159
Speaker 1: But outside of that, UM man Hunt we used to

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00:21:59,200 --> 00:22:01,639
Speaker 1: call it the part okay and man Hunt was the

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00:22:01,680 --> 00:22:05,399
Speaker 1: first gay hook up site, and it was on the

375
00:22:05,440 --> 00:22:09,160
Speaker 1: computer and I had it. I probably started on Aim

376
00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:14,639
Speaker 1: as well. Now it's mostly farmers only, but uh, okay,

377
00:22:14,680 --> 00:22:17,800
Speaker 1: Cupid has been a pretty good constant. Keep deactivating it

378
00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:22,000
Speaker 1: and you know, come back when I've got time. Pretty casually,

379
00:22:22,119 --> 00:22:26,240
Speaker 1: not really contacting most people, just short conversations mostly. I

380
00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:31,320
Speaker 1: prefer face to face and like personal connection. UM and

381
00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:34,520
Speaker 1: I find that there has been a huge culture shift

382
00:22:34,560 --> 00:22:38,840
Speaker 1: in dating and people don't take the time to invest

383
00:22:39,520 --> 00:22:41,719
Speaker 1: and figure out if something is really gonna work and

384
00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:44,840
Speaker 1: like take the time because there's a million other people

385
00:22:44,880 --> 00:22:47,480
Speaker 1: at their fingertips they could be swiping through. UM, I

386
00:22:47,520 --> 00:22:50,040
Speaker 1: think it makes it a lot harder to build genuine

387
00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:52,840
Speaker 1: connection because there's a lot of other options you don't

388
00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:55,720
Speaker 1: have to try and make something work. So with that,

389
00:22:55,960 --> 00:22:59,080
Speaker 1: why as on uh it feels like the only way

390
00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:01,320
Speaker 1: to meet someone. No on approaches anyone in real life

391
00:23:01,359 --> 00:23:04,600
Speaker 1: either because there's a million people at their fingertips. Why

392
00:23:04,760 --> 00:23:08,879
Speaker 1: risk getting rejected face to face and being embarrassed or

393
00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:12,200
Speaker 1: whatever else? When you can swipe on your phone and

394
00:23:12,280 --> 00:23:15,240
Speaker 1: have the comfort of knowing someone also swiped right before

395
00:23:15,280 --> 00:23:20,520
Speaker 1: you broach a conversation same sex relationships. There was no

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00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:23,560
Speaker 1: other way besides the park, which was manhunt at that time,

397
00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:28,480
Speaker 1: or Yahoo or aim. Um, there was no other way.

398
00:23:28,720 --> 00:23:30,679
Speaker 1: I grew up in a town where that was just

399
00:23:30,720 --> 00:23:33,800
Speaker 1: not possible for you to meet anyone else, and even

400
00:23:33,840 --> 00:23:36,760
Speaker 1: moving into the city, there's just no other option. Like,

401
00:23:37,520 --> 00:23:42,280
Speaker 1: so is it great? No? But do I have another option?

402
00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:45,240
Speaker 1: Not really? So I've got to say there's like a

403
00:23:45,280 --> 00:23:49,199
Speaker 1: double like edge sword onness where there it kind of

404
00:23:49,240 --> 00:23:54,760
Speaker 1: cuts through some of the confusion or um, at least

405
00:23:54,760 --> 00:23:56,520
Speaker 1: for the same sex thing of I usually looking for

406
00:23:56,520 --> 00:23:58,840
Speaker 1: someone like oh, I can easily just go in and

407
00:23:58,880 --> 00:24:01,880
Speaker 1: not have to be like, is this person get or straight?

408
00:24:02,160 --> 00:24:03,920
Speaker 1: I don't know if that's the first question I want

409
00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:10,120
Speaker 1: to ask, but um, I think after like getting out

410
00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:12,440
Speaker 1: of like school or something, the only time you are

411
00:24:12,840 --> 00:24:15,919
Speaker 1: in a position to really meet people is that are

412
00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:19,159
Speaker 1: outside of your friend group is usually at work, and

413
00:24:19,720 --> 00:24:24,520
Speaker 1: where I've worked, it's been a very shallow pool um

414
00:24:24,560 --> 00:24:26,920
Speaker 1: because they're usually a lot of women, and that kind

415
00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:29,560
Speaker 1: of cuts it down for me. Well, I think the

416
00:24:29,600 --> 00:24:32,040
Speaker 1: main problem is trying to figure out somebody's personality through

417
00:24:32,119 --> 00:24:36,040
Speaker 1: text and trying to figure out with just questions or

418
00:24:36,119 --> 00:24:40,680
Speaker 1: somebody's little paragraph like who they are. People like hunt

419
00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:45,280
Speaker 1: for red flags uh and don't know anybody's personality before

420
00:24:45,280 --> 00:24:48,640
Speaker 1: they actually meet them. So it's a little uh confusing

421
00:24:48,680 --> 00:24:52,120
Speaker 1: trying to meet somebody like that and being a little

422
00:24:52,119 --> 00:24:55,240
Speaker 1: bit introverted, Like actually having conversation with somebody you've never

423
00:24:55,240 --> 00:24:58,120
Speaker 1: met online is way worse than actually talking to somebody

424
00:24:58,160 --> 00:25:01,120
Speaker 1: in person. So I think a lot of people would

425
00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:02,919
Speaker 1: rather just kind of get to the point and like

426
00:25:03,040 --> 00:25:05,840
Speaker 1: get to talking to people either on the phone or

427
00:25:05,880 --> 00:25:09,080
Speaker 1: in person faster. But at the same time, I see

428
00:25:09,119 --> 00:25:11,760
Speaker 1: people at the bar swiping like when they could be

429
00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:14,000
Speaker 1: talking to people in real life. There are a few

430
00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:16,080
Speaker 1: things that it does not matter how cute I think

431
00:25:16,119 --> 00:25:20,480
Speaker 1: someone is or if their profile sounds really great. If

432
00:25:20,480 --> 00:25:24,000
Speaker 1: you have one photo, I'm not swiping right on you

433
00:25:24,480 --> 00:25:28,439
Speaker 1: because that's weird. If you refuse to fill out your section,

434
00:25:28,520 --> 00:25:31,639
Speaker 1: doesn't matter how cute you are, not swiping right the

435
00:25:31,640 --> 00:25:33,280
Speaker 1: people who are like I'll fill this out later, I'm

436
00:25:33,320 --> 00:25:36,600
Speaker 1: too busy, then don't be on here. Like if you

437
00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:38,080
Speaker 1: don't have the time for that, I don't have time

438
00:25:38,080 --> 00:25:40,320
Speaker 1: for you. Is kind of how I feel about it.

439
00:25:40,720 --> 00:25:42,919
Speaker 1: I find that I have become more polarized in my

440
00:25:42,960 --> 00:25:46,840
Speaker 1: political views. So even if someone identifies as being conservative,

441
00:25:46,960 --> 00:25:50,359
Speaker 1: I swipe left. I have no interest in that, regardless

442
00:25:50,400 --> 00:25:53,080
Speaker 1: of their specific views on Trump, Like I don't even

443
00:25:53,080 --> 00:25:54,560
Speaker 1: want to hear it at this point, Like if you

444
00:25:54,560 --> 00:25:57,000
Speaker 1: still identify as conservative, like I'm like, well, we're not

445
00:25:57,080 --> 00:26:00,560
Speaker 1: a good fit. Which was not the case before. I

446
00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:03,240
Speaker 1: was much more open. I come from like a really

447
00:26:03,280 --> 00:26:08,800
Speaker 1: bad DNA of understanding what homosexuality is, meaning that when

448
00:26:08,840 --> 00:26:12,239
Speaker 1: I was on the profiles some of the things that

449
00:26:12,480 --> 00:26:15,480
Speaker 1: I would look for would be like masculine or like height,

450
00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:20,239
Speaker 1: which now with the new like just political climate and

451
00:26:20,280 --> 00:26:24,320
Speaker 1: what we're learning for and it's not something that I

452
00:26:24,320 --> 00:26:29,840
Speaker 1: would probably look for now. Or my profile was very dumb.

453
00:26:30,359 --> 00:26:34,840
Speaker 1: It was based on you know, if you just sing

454
00:26:34,960 --> 00:26:37,639
Speaker 1: Lady Gaga, it said something like that all day, then

455
00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:40,879
Speaker 1: please don't contact me. Um it really did say that.

456
00:26:40,920 --> 00:26:43,320
Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure it did. But then you know, you

457
00:26:43,440 --> 00:26:48,640
Speaker 1: play Rihanna and I like dance for a week after

458
00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:51,800
Speaker 1: listening to one song, So I'm that person. So yeah,

459
00:26:51,840 --> 00:26:54,200
Speaker 1: I mean, but if it was now, I think it

460
00:26:54,240 --> 00:27:01,239
Speaker 1: would be don't be an asshole, don't pursue that, you know,

461
00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:05,199
Speaker 1: don't ask like are you hispanic, black or white? Just

462
00:27:05,240 --> 00:27:10,879
Speaker 1: like meat before that happened, and you know, be funny.

463
00:27:12,040 --> 00:27:17,080
Speaker 1: So the things that would keep me from either being

464
00:27:17,119 --> 00:27:20,639
Speaker 1: interested or continuing a conversation with someone, Oh where do

465
00:27:20,680 --> 00:27:23,840
Speaker 1: I begin? There's so many things. But first off, as

466
00:27:23,880 --> 00:27:28,920
Speaker 1: the photo it depends on I honestly didn't need like, yes,

467
00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:31,280
Speaker 1: it's nice to look at a good body, but that's

468
00:27:31,280 --> 00:27:33,399
Speaker 1: not the first impression I wanted someone. I want an

469
00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:36,639
Speaker 1: actual like just a good photo of their face and

470
00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:40,159
Speaker 1: a smile. Um. Things that weird me out is that

471
00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:44,400
Speaker 1: all of your pictures have sunglasses or hats, and I'm like,

472
00:27:44,440 --> 00:27:47,360
Speaker 1: what are you hiding? I think the things that I

473
00:27:47,480 --> 00:27:51,600
Speaker 1: was interested in the age and height. So mine was

474
00:27:51,640 --> 00:27:54,720
Speaker 1: always like three above or two below, and that's you know,

475
00:27:54,920 --> 00:27:58,280
Speaker 1: my range. Um, that was my comfort zone. I didn't

476
00:27:58,280 --> 00:28:00,000
Speaker 1: want to get into like a six year old per

477
00:28:00,000 --> 00:28:04,280
Speaker 1: person or an eighteen year old not not dealing with that,

478
00:28:04,680 --> 00:28:08,919
Speaker 1: you know. Um. So I think having some sort of

479
00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:12,200
Speaker 1: good personality in whatever they wrote. It doesn't have to

480
00:28:12,240 --> 00:28:15,960
Speaker 1: be super clever or funny, but just something to give

481
00:28:16,000 --> 00:28:18,840
Speaker 1: me an inkling that you have a personality. So if

482
00:28:18,880 --> 00:28:22,960
Speaker 1: I do write something or send a message, I have

483
00:28:23,040 --> 00:28:27,960
Speaker 1: something to go on. Well for me, the very first

484
00:28:28,040 --> 00:28:32,000
Speaker 1: rule is you cannot pick me up. We're not having dinner,

485
00:28:32,280 --> 00:28:35,840
Speaker 1: We're not having a long it's drinks or coffee. I

486
00:28:35,920 --> 00:28:37,960
Speaker 1: need to have an out and if it goes well,

487
00:28:38,360 --> 00:28:40,840
Speaker 1: then I can invite you to extend and do something else.

488
00:28:40,920 --> 00:28:43,840
Speaker 1: But if it doesn't, then I can go home. Um.

489
00:28:43,880 --> 00:28:46,000
Speaker 1: I don't want to be locked into a four hour

490
00:28:46,760 --> 00:28:52,040
Speaker 1: activity with you and then it turns out you blow. Um.

491
00:28:52,080 --> 00:28:53,640
Speaker 1: I don't want you to know where I live. Obviously,

492
00:28:53,680 --> 00:28:56,880
Speaker 1: that's why you can't pick me up. Um, I have

493
00:28:57,040 --> 00:28:59,760
Speaker 1: to tell someone where I'm going. I send a screenshot

494
00:28:59,760 --> 00:29:03,000
Speaker 1: of the face in whatever information I have about them.

495
00:29:03,400 --> 00:29:05,360
Speaker 1: Someone always knows where I'm going. They know when I'm

496
00:29:05,400 --> 00:29:09,320
Speaker 1: meeting them, they know where. And basically like, if you

497
00:29:09,360 --> 00:29:11,440
Speaker 1: haven't heard from me by X amount of time, call

498
00:29:11,520 --> 00:29:16,320
Speaker 1: the police. This is the person who took me. There

499
00:29:16,400 --> 00:29:19,560
Speaker 1: was sucretarious. There was the I want to have sex

500
00:29:20,560 --> 00:29:24,800
Speaker 1: and sure, let's do it. That's just meeting up, no

501
00:29:24,960 --> 00:29:30,280
Speaker 1: names necessary, And then there was sometimes yeah, I'm free

502
00:29:30,280 --> 00:29:32,920
Speaker 1: for all. And then there was a part that I

503
00:29:32,960 --> 00:29:35,080
Speaker 1: did want to meet and that was super exciting because

504
00:29:35,120 --> 00:29:37,960
Speaker 1: it would be like long conversations all night. If that happened,

505
00:29:38,000 --> 00:29:41,360
Speaker 1: like if you're just like chatting for a very long

506
00:29:41,440 --> 00:29:43,680
Speaker 1: time and it was like there was some sort of

507
00:29:43,720 --> 00:29:46,680
Speaker 1: connection that was really fun. I really enjoyed that, And

508
00:29:46,720 --> 00:29:51,880
Speaker 1: if that happened, then it would be coffee, short dinner,

509
00:29:52,920 --> 00:29:58,200
Speaker 1: no movies. I've walked out in movies, um, or just

510
00:29:58,280 --> 00:30:01,600
Speaker 1: to walk so you can, you know, engauge to see

511
00:30:01,600 --> 00:30:05,840
Speaker 1: if that conversation online was real or in person, it

512
00:30:05,920 --> 00:30:10,160
Speaker 1: just doesn't work. I think my rules usually centered around

513
00:30:11,360 --> 00:30:17,600
Speaker 1: a a very casual group setting, like not with other people,

514
00:30:17,600 --> 00:30:20,880
Speaker 1: but like a coffee shop or a bar, uh, something

515
00:30:20,920 --> 00:30:24,200
Speaker 1: that had a like case you had mentioned, like a

516
00:30:24,240 --> 00:30:27,640
Speaker 1: finite amount of time that you had to spend there,

517
00:30:27,680 --> 00:30:30,000
Speaker 1: but if you wanted, you could order another drink, or

518
00:30:30,080 --> 00:30:31,959
Speaker 1: if something was going really well, you could set up

519
00:30:32,400 --> 00:30:39,280
Speaker 1: for later. I usually had some like plan for after

520
00:30:39,800 --> 00:30:42,480
Speaker 1: so like I was meeting people, or like I was

521
00:30:42,640 --> 00:30:45,560
Speaker 1: trying to schedule it so that I didn't have to

522
00:30:45,600 --> 00:30:49,560
Speaker 1: stay that long, because I also I only wanted the

523
00:30:49,880 --> 00:30:51,920
Speaker 1: like hour or to just to get to know if

524
00:30:51,920 --> 00:30:55,040
Speaker 1: I really liked someone within it was worth repeating, not

525
00:30:55,160 --> 00:31:00,600
Speaker 1: trying to extend it like all day. UM. I also

526
00:31:00,680 --> 00:31:05,280
Speaker 1: think not having like a huge, like text conversation prior

527
00:31:05,360 --> 00:31:07,960
Speaker 1: to a date is great just because that gives you

528
00:31:08,000 --> 00:31:11,760
Speaker 1: things to actually talk about. I am worried about getting stuck,

529
00:31:12,120 --> 00:31:14,680
Speaker 1: and getting stuck at a movie sounds like the worst

530
00:31:14,760 --> 00:31:19,680
Speaker 1: because you're not having a conversation, you're not actually developing anything,

531
00:31:20,040 --> 00:31:22,120
Speaker 1: figuring anything out about a person, so you're just there

532
00:31:22,160 --> 00:31:24,440
Speaker 1: for two hours sitting in the dark with nothing to do,

533
00:31:24,560 --> 00:31:25,760
Speaker 1: and then you have to have the rest of the

534
00:31:25,840 --> 00:31:28,440
Speaker 1: date after that. So I always thought that was a

535
00:31:28,480 --> 00:31:33,000
Speaker 1: horrible first idea or first date. UM. I always like

536
00:31:33,120 --> 00:31:35,800
Speaker 1: to try something that I'm like into because I'm really

537
00:31:35,800 --> 00:31:39,080
Speaker 1: in the coffee or try to get good beer because

538
00:31:40,080 --> 00:31:44,800
Speaker 1: it's a fun thing to kind of like identify with. UM.

539
00:31:44,840 --> 00:31:47,160
Speaker 1: And then you know, try to find a restaurant that's

540
00:31:47,200 --> 00:31:49,440
Speaker 1: like the middle of the road. And you don't want

541
00:31:49,440 --> 00:31:51,680
Speaker 1: to go too fancy too expensive the first time either,

542
00:31:52,040 --> 00:31:54,040
Speaker 1: because I don't know you. I don't want to spend

543
00:31:54,040 --> 00:31:55,840
Speaker 1: a lot of money the first time. I know it

544
00:31:55,880 --> 00:31:58,360
Speaker 1: sounds cheesy, but I think everyone that I've ever met

545
00:31:59,200 --> 00:32:02,000
Speaker 1: is a part of my story, so good or bad,

546
00:32:02,040 --> 00:32:06,200
Speaker 1: it's been great. And I've met online the first person,

547
00:32:06,400 --> 00:32:11,280
Speaker 1: the first boy I ever liked. Um, I met my

548
00:32:11,320 --> 00:32:15,400
Speaker 1: past relationship, and I've met my current relationship, and they've

549
00:32:15,560 --> 00:32:18,840
Speaker 1: I've met friends that were still connected. I've met people

550
00:32:19,080 --> 00:32:22,680
Speaker 1: that I hated. But everything to be up from the

551
00:32:22,680 --> 00:32:25,760
Speaker 1: good the bad, from the funny times, from the bad,

552
00:32:25,800 --> 00:32:29,400
Speaker 1: photos from the bad, stories, from the terrible dates, bad sex,

553
00:32:30,040 --> 00:32:34,880
Speaker 1: great sex. I think everything has been great. The past

554
00:32:34,960 --> 00:32:38,840
Speaker 1: dating experiences, I think they've they've been great at like

555
00:32:38,920 --> 00:32:42,440
Speaker 1: teaching me what I value about myself and what I

556
00:32:42,480 --> 00:32:45,600
Speaker 1: want out of a partner. So I think the culmination

557
00:32:45,640 --> 00:32:47,960
Speaker 1: of Olivan's great. Yes, there's definitely been a few where

558
00:32:47,960 --> 00:32:52,240
Speaker 1: I'm like, I wouldn't want to repeat that, but um,

559
00:32:52,280 --> 00:32:54,840
Speaker 1: I think overall, like most of the people that I

560
00:32:54,960 --> 00:32:57,680
Speaker 1: ended up going on multiple dates with and not just

561
00:32:57,720 --> 00:33:02,600
Speaker 1: like the first time, uh, we're all great additions to

562
00:33:03,720 --> 00:33:06,400
Speaker 1: me deciding what I really want. I can't say any

563
00:33:06,520 --> 00:33:09,560
Speaker 1: experience has been great, but I have remained friends with

564
00:33:09,640 --> 00:33:12,560
Speaker 1: most of them. I've not dove that deep into online dating,

565
00:33:13,000 --> 00:33:17,160
Speaker 1: so I haven't had that much success with it, and

566
00:33:17,280 --> 00:33:20,360
Speaker 1: at this point, I still like talked to a good

567
00:33:20,360 --> 00:33:24,000
Speaker 1: amount of people that I did talk to, But I've

568
00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:29,040
Speaker 1: also had some very bad horror stories which were um,

569
00:33:29,280 --> 00:33:31,520
Speaker 1: great stories to tell. So I did come out of

570
00:33:31,560 --> 00:33:36,520
Speaker 1: something positive. The worst thing that happened, which it could

571
00:33:36,520 --> 00:33:42,160
Speaker 1: happen for anybody, was a breakup that lasted all day

572
00:33:42,200 --> 00:33:45,240
Speaker 1: at six Flags. So it started out before I went

573
00:33:45,280 --> 00:33:48,280
Speaker 1: to six Flags, and I had some friends that were

574
00:33:48,280 --> 00:33:52,480
Speaker 1: supposed to come along with me on this date, and

575
00:33:53,240 --> 00:33:57,120
Speaker 1: in a Panera parking lot broke the news. I was like,

576
00:33:57,120 --> 00:33:59,520
Speaker 1: I don't think I want to see you anymore. And

577
00:33:59,560 --> 00:34:03,360
Speaker 1: I'll say, well, I mean, do you still want to

578
00:34:03,360 --> 00:34:07,360
Speaker 1: go to six Flags? And it was yeah, And I

579
00:34:07,440 --> 00:34:12,400
Speaker 1: was like, so the entire day was a therapy session

580
00:34:12,440 --> 00:34:15,200
Speaker 1: of someone digging into my mind of like why this

581
00:34:15,239 --> 00:34:19,200
Speaker 1: wasn't working. Also in the second group is Haley and Karen,

582
00:34:19,280 --> 00:34:22,560
Speaker 1: who discussed how they met and also their own experiences

583
00:34:22,920 --> 00:34:26,800
Speaker 1: in the dating world. Where else are you going to meet?

584
00:34:27,440 --> 00:34:29,799
Speaker 1: I don't trust my friends. I hate leaving a date

585
00:34:29,840 --> 00:34:32,759
Speaker 1: that you're ambivalent about because it's just so awkward, Like

586
00:34:33,520 --> 00:34:35,400
Speaker 1: this was a pleasant evening, Yeah, I would be like,

587
00:34:35,440 --> 00:34:37,080
Speaker 1: because like, usually it's people that you've chatted with at

588
00:34:37,200 --> 00:34:38,399
Speaker 1: least a couple of days, so it was a little

589
00:34:38,440 --> 00:34:42,920
Speaker 1: bit of attachment, even if it's not real. Um. I

590
00:34:42,960 --> 00:34:46,520
Speaker 1: had very few dates that went great, Um a lot.

591
00:34:46,640 --> 00:34:48,600
Speaker 1: Either I was more interested than they were I could tell,

592
00:34:48,719 --> 00:34:50,080
Speaker 1: or they were way worn to me and I was not.

593
00:34:50,120 --> 00:34:51,759
Speaker 1: So like it's kind of like I would do this thing,

594
00:34:51,880 --> 00:34:53,719
Speaker 1: or I'd be like, this was fun, I'll see you

595
00:34:53,800 --> 00:34:56,320
Speaker 1: the internet, and then I would never talk to them again.

596
00:34:57,680 --> 00:35:00,879
Speaker 1: What is the worst part of Um, it's a it's

597
00:35:00,880 --> 00:35:03,160
Speaker 1: a it's a grind, it's a slug, Like I have

598
00:35:03,200 --> 00:35:05,799
Speaker 1: a friend who's very averse to it, and like it

599
00:35:05,880 --> 00:35:08,880
Speaker 1: takes a minute to one. It's no guarantee to like

600
00:35:09,200 --> 00:35:12,200
Speaker 1: it can take a while. Like there's just you never know.

601
00:35:12,520 --> 00:35:14,320
Speaker 1: A lot of times I would find myself only matching

602
00:35:14,320 --> 00:35:16,640
Speaker 1: with people that were passing through Atlanta. In the airport,

603
00:35:16,680 --> 00:35:18,759
Speaker 1: I'd be like, of course you don't live here, so

604
00:35:18,840 --> 00:35:21,879
Speaker 1: like duh um. But like I would have a couple

605
00:35:21,920 --> 00:35:23,000
Speaker 1: of things We're like, oh my god, this course it

606
00:35:23,000 --> 00:35:25,640
Speaker 1: seems great. Oh they're ten miles away there the airport.

607
00:35:25,680 --> 00:35:29,040
Speaker 1: Oh they're never coming back. So that was kind of disheartening.

608
00:35:29,120 --> 00:35:32,200
Speaker 1: Ghosting is okay if you're if you're essentially strangers, um,

609
00:35:32,239 --> 00:35:33,960
Speaker 1: you know, like three or four dates you slept together,

610
00:35:34,920 --> 00:35:36,560
Speaker 1: you know somebody something. But like if you had one

611
00:35:36,560 --> 00:35:37,719
Speaker 1: bad date. I don't know if I need to tell

612
00:35:37,719 --> 00:35:39,799
Speaker 1: her that, Like, let me show you the reasons why

613
00:35:39,840 --> 00:35:41,839
Speaker 1: I don't want to spend any more time getting even

614
00:35:41,840 --> 00:35:44,759
Speaker 1: to know you. I think what which seems to have

615
00:35:44,800 --> 00:35:46,799
Speaker 1: shifted that there's now like now we're involving men in

616
00:35:46,800 --> 00:35:50,560
Speaker 1: the conversation, right like every you know, any woman I

617
00:35:50,600 --> 00:35:54,040
Speaker 1: know who is on online dating, who got the dick pick,

618
00:35:54,120 --> 00:35:57,680
Speaker 1: who got the weird fetish email or whatever? We're you

619
00:35:57,719 --> 00:35:59,640
Speaker 1: talk with your female friends and just be like do

620
00:36:00,120 --> 00:36:04,239
Speaker 1: what is what is like? But like the fact that

621
00:36:04,280 --> 00:36:07,279
Speaker 1: now it's just like we've been able to carve out

622
00:36:07,280 --> 00:36:10,560
Speaker 1: a space to be like, dudes don't do that. Like

623
00:36:10,600 --> 00:36:12,680
Speaker 1: when I first moved down, here was the whole elevator

624
00:36:12,760 --> 00:36:15,240
Speaker 1: date nonsense in the skeptical community right with like literally

625
00:36:15,280 --> 00:36:17,440
Speaker 1: somebody saying dudes don't do that was the end of

626
00:36:17,480 --> 00:36:19,200
Speaker 1: the world. And so now I feel like we can

627
00:36:19,239 --> 00:36:21,960
Speaker 1: say don't do that, and that's got to count for something.

628
00:36:23,040 --> 00:36:25,480
Speaker 1: You have to keep it up in mind, which sounds cliche,

629
00:36:25,520 --> 00:36:29,359
Speaker 1: but it's true. Um, sometimes people will surprise you. Um

630
00:36:29,440 --> 00:36:32,879
Speaker 1: you have to be persistent, Like I guess you could

631
00:36:32,920 --> 00:36:35,080
Speaker 1: go on one date off of being not on dating

632
00:36:35,080 --> 00:36:36,160
Speaker 1: for a while and haven't been the best day of

633
00:36:36,160 --> 00:36:38,359
Speaker 1: your life, but it probably won't happen. Um. It taught

634
00:36:38,360 --> 00:36:41,320
Speaker 1: me a lot about resiliency to keep going back. Like, Um,

635
00:36:41,360 --> 00:36:43,239
Speaker 1: I've had a few friends that were like, you know,

636
00:36:43,520 --> 00:36:46,040
Speaker 1: you've been put the work into it to like meet

637
00:36:46,080 --> 00:36:47,880
Speaker 1: somebody that you really like, Like you've gotta kiss a

638
00:36:47,920 --> 00:36:49,960
Speaker 1: lot of frogs, blah blah blah. But it's true, like

639
00:36:49,960 --> 00:36:51,520
Speaker 1: there's just so many people there's no way you can

640
00:36:51,520 --> 00:36:53,919
Speaker 1: connect follow them. I would say the best thing about

641
00:36:54,000 --> 00:36:56,480
Speaker 1: online dating is that you will eventually find somebody, hopefully,

642
00:36:56,520 --> 00:36:59,680
Speaker 1: and then you'll get off of online dating. Well, I mean, like, look,

643
00:36:59,800 --> 00:37:01,879
Speaker 1: a first date is a first date, and they are

644
00:37:01,960 --> 00:37:06,120
Speaker 1: a special kind of treasure. Oh my goodness, even the

645
00:37:06,320 --> 00:37:08,759
Speaker 1: like the bad ones are almost better than the good

646
00:37:08,800 --> 00:37:10,640
Speaker 1: ones because the good ones, you're like, now I gotta

647
00:37:10,680 --> 00:37:14,480
Speaker 1: go like again, and like, you know, like at that

648
00:37:14,560 --> 00:37:16,400
Speaker 1: which point in time, you've got that three date minimum

649
00:37:16,440 --> 00:37:18,560
Speaker 1: where you're like, you know, like, if you have a

650
00:37:18,600 --> 00:37:20,600
Speaker 1: good first date, then you get a second date. If

651
00:37:20,640 --> 00:37:22,840
Speaker 1: that one sucks you, you've got to break the tie.

652
00:37:23,960 --> 00:37:28,560
Speaker 1: It does reveal certain unkind truths about yourself when you

653
00:37:28,640 --> 00:37:32,560
Speaker 1: are like just scrolling through a catalog um as if

654
00:37:32,600 --> 00:37:35,200
Speaker 1: they were like Russian brides or something right like, and

655
00:37:35,200 --> 00:37:37,960
Speaker 1: it's you know, like you realize some of your biases,

656
00:37:38,000 --> 00:37:41,359
Speaker 1: and like you realize like that maybe you know you've

657
00:37:41,360 --> 00:37:44,359
Speaker 1: got a really strong type at a certain point when

658
00:37:44,360 --> 00:37:46,719
Speaker 1: you like, you know, they're not going on dates or

659
00:37:46,760 --> 00:37:49,080
Speaker 1: going on continuously bad dates where either you're rejecting that

660
00:37:49,120 --> 00:37:50,560
Speaker 1: person and they're rejecting you. It gets a little bit

661
00:37:50,600 --> 00:37:52,799
Speaker 1: of moralizing. So it was nice to be like, oh,

662
00:37:53,080 --> 00:37:56,120
Speaker 1: not a troll, or like, oh, people do exist as

663
00:37:56,160 --> 00:37:59,080
Speaker 1: long as long as you understand that it's an inherently

664
00:37:59,160 --> 00:38:02,960
Speaker 1: ridiculous thing like any other human pursuit. Um. I think

665
00:38:03,000 --> 00:38:04,879
Speaker 1: that there's the possibility for a lot of fun. It's

666
00:38:05,480 --> 00:38:07,880
Speaker 1: it can be bruising, but at least they're not like

667
00:38:08,040 --> 00:38:10,799
Speaker 1: injuring relationships with people, you know, like I get right,

668
00:38:10,880 --> 00:38:14,120
Speaker 1: like your work is an awkward instead the internet's awkward,

669
00:38:14,120 --> 00:38:16,440
Speaker 1: but it's already awkward. I would actually try to meet

670
00:38:16,520 --> 00:38:18,400
Speaker 1: up sooner rather than later so you don't get attached

671
00:38:18,440 --> 00:38:19,839
Speaker 1: to like this fake person or do you think they

672
00:38:19,840 --> 00:38:23,680
Speaker 1: are lightning construction? You never know. So there's a whole

673
00:38:23,680 --> 00:38:26,280
Speaker 1: world of experiences out there, right There is some common

674
00:38:26,320 --> 00:38:29,160
Speaker 1: ground on their opinions on what size is good, what

675
00:38:29,280 --> 00:38:32,040
Speaker 1: size is not great, what size to follow, the advice

676
00:38:32,040 --> 00:38:34,160
Speaker 1: that they give to other people who are trying this

677
00:38:34,239 --> 00:38:37,840
Speaker 1: whole whole phenomenon, because again it's getting harder and harder

678
00:38:37,880 --> 00:38:41,600
Speaker 1: to meet people in real life. I r l as

679
00:38:41,680 --> 00:38:48,320
Speaker 1: the kids right UM And disclaimer full disclosure. We are

680
00:38:48,360 --> 00:38:51,080
Speaker 1: are word sponsored at one time by Okay keep it

681
00:38:51,320 --> 00:38:54,880
Speaker 1: depending on when you're listening to this um. But Samantha

682
00:38:55,040 --> 00:38:58,080
Speaker 1: did not lead anybody. This is their opinions were all

683
00:38:58,120 --> 00:39:01,680
Speaker 1: their own. I mean, honestly, at the guest sponsorship is

684
00:39:01,719 --> 00:39:04,880
Speaker 1: not important to me right now, so obviously I'm not trying.

685
00:39:05,400 --> 00:39:08,880
Speaker 1: But it just kind of happened that Okay Cupid was

686
00:39:09,040 --> 00:39:12,720
Speaker 1: a front runner when it allowed for more open types

687
00:39:12,760 --> 00:39:14,719
Speaker 1: of relationships, whether it's to be able to say pick

688
00:39:14,800 --> 00:39:18,040
Speaker 1: same sex or both sex, and then also to like

689
00:39:18,400 --> 00:39:20,960
Speaker 1: I think they were able to say no to the opposite.

690
00:39:20,960 --> 00:39:23,480
Speaker 1: So like, uh, I believe Karen. You'll hear Karen talking

691
00:39:23,480 --> 00:39:24,759
Speaker 1: about the fact that she was able to say no

692
00:39:24,880 --> 00:39:27,560
Speaker 1: to then and so they couldn't contact her. So I

693
00:39:27,680 --> 00:39:30,359
Speaker 1: was like, Okay, that's cool. UM as where other sites,

694
00:39:30,440 --> 00:39:33,520
Speaker 1: as we've heard before, wouldn't even allow that as an option.

695
00:39:33,880 --> 00:39:36,239
Speaker 1: So yeah, okay, cute. But it's a front runner when

696
00:39:36,239 --> 00:39:40,640
Speaker 1: it comes to being open and being an ally so

697
00:39:40,680 --> 00:39:44,799
Speaker 1: that's cool. Yeah, yeah, very cool. And when it comes

698
00:39:44,800 --> 00:39:46,840
Speaker 1: to you dating in I r L, which I do

699
00:39:47,080 --> 00:39:52,600
Speaker 1: have some experience in what my so I, as I've

700
00:39:52,600 --> 00:39:56,680
Speaker 1: said before, I'm not really into dating. What happens to

701
00:39:56,719 --> 00:39:59,799
Speaker 1: me is something I call the trick date. A trick date.

702
00:39:59,840 --> 00:40:02,279
Speaker 1: You what it's not? It's not just you? Oh no,

703
00:40:02,480 --> 00:40:05,239
Speaker 1: I know, it is just common. I'm fairly certain it's

704
00:40:05,280 --> 00:40:09,319
Speaker 1: become a way of avoiding rejection. So I think the

705
00:40:09,360 --> 00:40:14,440
Speaker 1: best example I have of this in action is in college,

706
00:40:14,880 --> 00:40:21,200
Speaker 1: somebody invited me to a study session, um, and it

707
00:40:21,239 --> 00:40:23,640
Speaker 1: was supposed to be like a bunch of our classmates.

708
00:40:24,280 --> 00:40:26,400
Speaker 1: And I get there and I'm the only one and

709
00:40:26,480 --> 00:40:29,400
Speaker 1: he says, oh darn no one else could make it.

710
00:40:29,520 --> 00:40:34,120
Speaker 1: Let's go get dinner. I was like, but the studies

711
00:40:34,280 --> 00:40:39,280
Speaker 1: session and then we went to the student center and

712
00:40:39,360 --> 00:40:41,759
Speaker 1: he was asking me all those date questions and then

713
00:40:41,760 --> 00:40:44,080
Speaker 1: he forgot his student card and I had to pay

714
00:40:44,120 --> 00:40:49,960
Speaker 1: for the special Yeah at a student center? Even better? Yeah,

715
00:40:50,080 --> 00:40:52,400
Speaker 1: you know what? An old roommate of mine um. She

716
00:40:52,520 --> 00:40:54,879
Speaker 1: was very religious, so at that time she wasn't quote

717
00:40:54,920 --> 00:40:58,200
Speaker 1: unquote dating. Um. But there we were hanging out with

718
00:40:58,239 --> 00:41:00,200
Speaker 1: a big group of people and someone was like, hey,

719
00:41:00,239 --> 00:41:01,920
Speaker 1: we should all go to a movie or whatever whatnot,

720
00:41:02,560 --> 00:41:06,200
Speaker 1: and she's like, okay, cool. He shows up and in

721
00:41:06,239 --> 00:41:07,799
Speaker 1: his mind he had actually asked her on a date.

722
00:41:08,800 --> 00:41:10,480
Speaker 1: In her mind it was a group thing, and she

723
00:41:10,520 --> 00:41:14,640
Speaker 1: shows up and goes where is everybody? In response was what, Oh,

724
00:41:14,680 --> 00:41:16,279
Speaker 1: it's just me and you. They go to the movie,

725
00:41:16,360 --> 00:41:18,680
Speaker 1: come out. He asked for another day. She's like, honestly, though,

726
00:41:19,040 --> 00:41:21,040
Speaker 1: I didn't know this was a date, and I'm not

727
00:41:21,120 --> 00:41:24,000
Speaker 1: dating right now, which is something that we've made fun

728
00:41:24,040 --> 00:41:25,520
Speaker 1: of both of them because I still know them really well,

729
00:41:25,560 --> 00:41:28,080
Speaker 1: because I think it's hilarios that that's how it happened.

730
00:41:28,400 --> 00:41:30,919
Speaker 1: But yeah, it happens a lot more than you think,

731
00:41:30,960 --> 00:41:33,560
Speaker 1: because A I think we don't know how to ask

732
00:41:33,560 --> 00:41:36,760
Speaker 1: out people. Yeah, that's one of the things. The newer

733
00:41:36,760 --> 00:41:39,560
Speaker 1: phenomenon is the group dates, So you don't know if

734
00:41:39,600 --> 00:41:41,160
Speaker 1: you're on a date or if you're just hanging out

735
00:41:41,200 --> 00:41:44,960
Speaker 1: with people. So I don't quite understand that. Yeah, oh,

736
00:41:45,000 --> 00:41:48,239
Speaker 1: I really think it's to avoid rejection. And also I

737
00:41:48,320 --> 00:41:53,200
Speaker 1: do think there are instances where its legitimately a misunderstanding

738
00:41:53,560 --> 00:41:56,239
Speaker 1: some persons, especially if you have feelings, like one person

739
00:41:56,280 --> 00:41:59,239
Speaker 1: has feelings and another person doesn't. Right then I think

740
00:41:59,280 --> 00:42:04,440
Speaker 1: you can cross. And I am very like I like

741
00:42:04,480 --> 00:42:05,839
Speaker 1: hanging out. If you ask me to go do something,

742
00:42:05,840 --> 00:42:09,040
Speaker 1: I'm gonna go do it. Um And I think that

743
00:42:09,360 --> 00:42:12,680
Speaker 1: gets interpreted as she likes hanging out with specifically me

744
00:42:12,960 --> 00:42:15,360
Speaker 1: all the time, I mean. And then there's also the

745
00:42:15,440 --> 00:42:18,000
Speaker 1: whole like, Amma on a date? Did you ask me up?

746
00:42:18,080 --> 00:42:19,239
Speaker 1: I want us to be date, but I don't know

747
00:42:19,239 --> 00:42:21,799
Speaker 1: if I'm on date? Like those moments too, when you

748
00:42:21,840 --> 00:42:24,919
Speaker 1: have selped out of like what are we doing here?

749
00:42:25,800 --> 00:42:28,160
Speaker 1: Am I supposed to be letting you pay? What is

750
00:42:28,200 --> 00:42:31,799
Speaker 1: going on? Because are we? Yeah? And then that's kind

751
00:42:31,840 --> 00:42:38,040
Speaker 1: of you know, life's language. Life's language very confusing. We

752
00:42:38,160 --> 00:42:40,279
Speaker 1: have some more to talk about here, but first we

753
00:42:40,320 --> 00:42:51,920
Speaker 1: have a quick break for words from our sponsor, and

754
00:42:51,960 --> 00:42:55,960
Speaker 1: we're back. Thank you, sponsor. One thing I became really

755
00:42:56,000 --> 00:42:59,359
Speaker 1: interested in in conversations with my mom and her kind

756
00:42:59,360 --> 00:43:04,480
Speaker 1: of general bufuddlements around dating these days, thank you is

757
00:43:04,640 --> 00:43:08,239
Speaker 1: the old first date versus the new first date. A

758
00:43:09,160 --> 00:43:11,480
Speaker 1: teen study at the UK found that on average, women

759
00:43:11,560 --> 00:43:15,200
Speaker 1: date five men before finding the one men date six

760
00:43:15,280 --> 00:43:19,239
Speaker 1: women and these are all heteronormative as per use. Unfortunately,

761
00:43:19,719 --> 00:43:24,160
Speaker 1: both will have four truly horrendous dates, two long term relationships,

762
00:43:24,200 --> 00:43:26,920
Speaker 1: and one partner that um they all live with before

763
00:43:27,239 --> 00:43:29,919
Speaker 1: settling down. So this is kind of like the state

764
00:43:29,920 --> 00:43:34,560
Speaker 1: of affairs in UK still very heteronormative, but I think

765
00:43:34,640 --> 00:43:39,080
Speaker 1: that is different than it used to be. As more

766
00:43:39,200 --> 00:43:43,200
Speaker 1: women enter the workforce and become career focused, that has

767
00:43:43,239 --> 00:43:47,880
Speaker 1: been one of the changing factors that has really transformed

768
00:43:47,920 --> 00:43:50,680
Speaker 1: the dating scene and just the relationship scenes and the

769
00:43:51,040 --> 00:43:56,480
Speaker 1: role gender roles as has happened exactly. So if we

770
00:43:56,560 --> 00:44:00,440
Speaker 1: look at dating these days, the first date, third date

771
00:44:00,520 --> 00:44:04,160
Speaker 1: rule is gone. Um I remember this vaguely, like what

772
00:44:04,239 --> 00:44:06,279
Speaker 1: was accepted on the first date and then by third

773
00:44:06,360 --> 00:44:09,160
Speaker 1: date you should have done this. It's time to get down.

774
00:44:10,200 --> 00:44:14,240
Speaker 1: It's not right, I believe so. But that's the problem

775
00:44:14,320 --> 00:44:16,680
Speaker 1: too with the online dating thing is sometimes it goes

776
00:44:16,920 --> 00:44:20,080
Speaker 1: so fast your third date, maybe week two, first part

777
00:44:20,120 --> 00:44:22,319
Speaker 1: of the week too. Yeah, I've had that, and I'm like,

778
00:44:22,880 --> 00:44:25,600
Speaker 1: I don't know if I'm still quite comfortable. And then again, hey,

779
00:44:25,640 --> 00:44:27,759
Speaker 1: I've been a girl like date one. Yeah, this is

780
00:44:27,800 --> 00:44:30,319
Speaker 1: awesome because I've had like a ten hour date with you.

781
00:44:30,719 --> 00:44:33,560
Speaker 1: Let's go hang out some more. I mean I did that.

782
00:44:34,080 --> 00:44:36,279
Speaker 1: It's okay, no shame in that game. I saw them

783
00:44:36,320 --> 00:44:39,120
Speaker 1: again afterwards. We saw each other for a while, you know.

784
00:44:39,640 --> 00:44:41,080
Speaker 1: But like that's the thing is, like it kind of

785
00:44:41,080 --> 00:44:43,920
Speaker 1: goes the level of speed. The level of communication is

786
00:44:43,920 --> 00:44:46,960
Speaker 1: so much faster because you have a focus online, Like

787
00:44:47,040 --> 00:44:50,120
Speaker 1: you're not just testing the waters. We're here to date

788
00:44:50,280 --> 00:44:51,840
Speaker 1: or we're here to hook up or were here to

789
00:44:51,880 --> 00:44:55,600
Speaker 1: do something. So therefore that's already put out there, that

790
00:44:55,640 --> 00:44:58,200
Speaker 1: works already out We kind of like each other now,

791
00:44:58,280 --> 00:45:00,880
Speaker 1: let's see. So that's definitely part of the and that's changed.

792
00:45:01,040 --> 00:45:06,080
Speaker 1: And also internet stalking or investigating, you know what, when

793
00:45:06,080 --> 00:45:09,520
Speaker 1: it comes to dating, I am all about the internet investigations.

794
00:45:09,560 --> 00:45:10,919
Speaker 1: I think this has something to do with the fact

795
00:45:10,960 --> 00:45:13,200
Speaker 1: that I was a de facts or Department and Family

796
00:45:13,239 --> 00:45:16,440
Speaker 1: Children's investigator for child abuse. So that's kind of one

797
00:45:16,520 --> 00:45:19,319
Speaker 1: of my emos, Like it gets to the point as

798
00:45:19,320 --> 00:45:22,960
Speaker 1: a social worker, I know this is completely completely different

799
00:45:23,080 --> 00:45:25,440
Speaker 1: that I would like I really wish we could do

800
00:45:25,480 --> 00:45:28,440
Speaker 1: psychological evaluations for people and be like, let me go

801
00:45:28,440 --> 00:45:30,719
Speaker 1: ahead and find your mental health needs, because we're gonna

802
00:45:30,719 --> 00:45:33,160
Speaker 1: go there first to see if we can mesh on

803
00:45:33,200 --> 00:45:36,640
Speaker 1: the different levels of our different mental health needs. Um.

804
00:45:36,680 --> 00:45:39,520
Speaker 1: But you know, there are other questions like are you married,

805
00:45:39,880 --> 00:45:45,960
Speaker 1: because sometimes that's not said, um, are you with friend

806
00:45:46,640 --> 00:45:49,680
Speaker 1: or are you with a friend quote unquote as in

807
00:45:49,880 --> 00:45:52,239
Speaker 1: like the extra special person on the side that you

808
00:45:52,280 --> 00:45:57,160
Speaker 1: don't know about. Do they have children? Okay? How many children? Okay?

809
00:45:57,239 --> 00:45:59,480
Speaker 1: How many children that are influts? Okay? Are you a

810
00:45:59,560 --> 00:46:02,520
Speaker 1: dad that stays with you know, or mom that has

811
00:46:03,200 --> 00:46:08,239
Speaker 1: all of these histories with like five children with two partners?

812
00:46:08,320 --> 00:46:10,040
Speaker 1: You know, like what is it? Are you in a

813
00:46:10,080 --> 00:46:13,680
Speaker 1: polyamorous relationship? All of that. I'm all about investigating and

814
00:46:13,719 --> 00:46:16,280
Speaker 1: every bit of those things because that's a good information

815
00:46:16,320 --> 00:46:22,160
Speaker 1: to know it is. And that's something um yeah, dating, dating,

816
00:46:22,200 --> 00:46:28,000
Speaker 1: the children whole other earlier. And there's also this paradox

817
00:46:28,040 --> 00:46:32,760
Speaker 1: of choice, which is how when you have so many choices,

818
00:46:32,840 --> 00:46:37,320
Speaker 1: it actually becomes overwhelming and it almost kind of narrows

819
00:46:37,360 --> 00:46:40,200
Speaker 1: your choices, if that makes sense, makes it harder to decide.

820
00:46:40,360 --> 00:46:43,000
Speaker 1: You become more and more picky, like you said before,

821
00:46:43,160 --> 00:46:44,759
Speaker 1: like you have so many choices and be like, well,

822
00:46:44,800 --> 00:46:46,640
Speaker 1: you're not as good as this one or that one

823
00:46:46,719 --> 00:46:49,279
Speaker 1: or this one, which again you missed out on things.

824
00:46:49,480 --> 00:46:52,480
Speaker 1: But it's also I remember when I was reading when

825
00:46:52,480 --> 00:46:54,480
Speaker 1: I first learned about the paradox of choice. The example

826
00:46:54,520 --> 00:46:57,600
Speaker 1: they gave was a sandwich shop, and there's way too

827
00:46:57,680 --> 00:47:00,479
Speaker 1: many topics and your brain gets overwhelmed and you can't

828
00:47:00,480 --> 00:47:05,919
Speaker 1: make a decision. All the things hold up the line

829
00:47:05,960 --> 00:47:08,640
Speaker 1: and everybody gets angry at you. Um. And also the

830
00:47:08,680 --> 00:47:10,799
Speaker 1: game of gamification of meeting someone, which you kind of

831
00:47:10,800 --> 00:47:12,719
Speaker 1: touched on earlier. And I have seen friends of mine

832
00:47:12,760 --> 00:47:17,400
Speaker 1: who will open um like tender or something, and they

833
00:47:17,440 --> 00:47:19,600
Speaker 1: have no intention of dating anybody in the area. They

834
00:47:19,719 --> 00:47:22,400
Speaker 1: just like looking through who's on there. It's always nice

835
00:47:22,440 --> 00:47:27,000
Speaker 1: to see you met. You're like, oh dooey, wait who Yeah.

836
00:47:27,040 --> 00:47:29,080
Speaker 1: I've had friends who are not like staying in Atlanta

837
00:47:29,120 --> 00:47:31,479
Speaker 1: for one night, and they do it. It's just because

838
00:47:31,520 --> 00:47:33,839
Speaker 1: I want to see I've also used the big like

839
00:47:34,000 --> 00:47:36,239
Speaker 1: I went to France not too long ago and I

840
00:47:36,320 --> 00:47:38,439
Speaker 1: was by myself. I was like, maybe there's someone here,

841
00:47:38,520 --> 00:47:40,400
Speaker 1: not because I want to hook up with them, that

842
00:47:40,480 --> 00:47:43,600
Speaker 1: can show me what to do in town. That's different

843
00:47:43,600 --> 00:47:45,960
Speaker 1: than tourist the stuff. Sure, you know, and I know

844
00:47:46,000 --> 00:47:51,040
Speaker 1: people use that in Atlanta as well. Yeah yeah, um.

845
00:47:51,080 --> 00:47:55,160
Speaker 1: There's also this whole new language developed around dating and

846
00:47:55,239 --> 00:48:00,120
Speaker 1: kind of specifically online dating, like ghosting, ghosting, you know it.

847
00:48:00,280 --> 00:48:04,680
Speaker 1: I've always been fascinated by the idea of ghosting. I

848
00:48:04,800 --> 00:48:07,520
Speaker 1: do it, and part of that is because I don't

849
00:48:07,560 --> 00:48:12,240
Speaker 1: want to confront and or have any type of negative

850
00:48:12,280 --> 00:48:18,120
Speaker 1: slash dramatic exits or whatever. And so the thought is,

851
00:48:18,480 --> 00:48:22,520
Speaker 1: what are the rules of ghosting? Like I think we

852
00:48:22,640 --> 00:48:25,640
Speaker 1: had on the montage you her talk about. You know,

853
00:48:26,760 --> 00:48:30,000
Speaker 1: it's not technically ghost it's not necessarily mean if you've

854
00:48:30,040 --> 00:48:31,560
Speaker 1: only been on a one or two dates and then

855
00:48:31,560 --> 00:48:34,520
Speaker 1: you're just kind of ghost or fade away. Um. But

856
00:48:34,920 --> 00:48:37,719
Speaker 1: I definitely read a story I think I was on

857
00:48:37,840 --> 00:48:40,080
Speaker 1: Reddit a long time ago about a dude who was

858
00:48:40,160 --> 00:48:42,880
Speaker 1: with his girlfriend for four years. They've lived together. He

859
00:48:43,000 --> 00:48:48,319
Speaker 1: completely ghosted her, left the country without saying anything, came

860
00:48:48,360 --> 00:48:50,920
Speaker 1: back for a job. But here's the best part. He

861
00:48:51,000 --> 00:48:53,440
Speaker 1: was he got hired for a job. It turns out

862
00:48:53,600 --> 00:48:56,640
Speaker 1: his ex girlfriend that he ghosted was his new supervisor.

863
00:48:57,960 --> 00:49:04,520
Speaker 1: He didn't get that job. See I UM, I feel

864
00:49:05,480 --> 00:49:07,480
Speaker 1: like it does depend on how many dates you've been on.

865
00:49:08,440 --> 00:49:13,680
Speaker 1: I think there are situations where it's probably like if

866
00:49:13,760 --> 00:49:15,520
Speaker 1: if in that case it had been there to have

867
00:49:15,600 --> 00:49:19,600
Speaker 1: been abuse or something involved, goes away right. There's also

868
00:49:19,719 --> 00:49:22,160
Speaker 1: swipe left, which is just kind of be kind of

869
00:49:22,160 --> 00:49:25,160
Speaker 1: a thing of like nope, you know what, and you

870
00:49:25,200 --> 00:49:27,560
Speaker 1: get into the habit and you do it so fast

871
00:49:27,560 --> 00:49:30,479
Speaker 1: that sometimes you don't realize you're doing it. The only thing,

872
00:49:30,800 --> 00:49:33,840
Speaker 1: like with Tinder, you have to buy the subscription to

873
00:49:33,880 --> 00:49:36,239
Speaker 1: be able to go back, but on Bumbled you get

874
00:49:36,239 --> 00:49:39,600
Speaker 1: three chances to like bring them back to look over again,

875
00:49:39,640 --> 00:49:43,040
Speaker 1: three chances I think four hours. So it allows you

876
00:49:43,080 --> 00:49:45,200
Speaker 1: to be like, oh my bad, because I've definitely been

877
00:49:45,239 --> 00:49:48,000
Speaker 1: like nope, nope, nope, nope, no no. It means they

878
00:49:48,000 --> 00:49:51,320
Speaker 1: know you know. It also comes the whole like super

879
00:49:51,440 --> 00:49:57,279
Speaker 1: like phenomenon um. So you accidentally do a swipe that

880
00:49:57,320 --> 00:49:59,760
Speaker 1: goes upward instead of side I think, and it's super

881
00:50:00,120 --> 00:50:01,840
Speaker 1: Then you're like and you only get like one or

882
00:50:01,880 --> 00:50:04,799
Speaker 1: two a day, And I did not mean and you

883
00:50:04,800 --> 00:50:06,279
Speaker 1: don't want to be the person that goes back like

884
00:50:06,400 --> 00:50:09,440
Speaker 1: I didn't mean the super like you. I didn't mean

885
00:50:09,440 --> 00:50:12,280
Speaker 1: to like you at all. I didn't know about that

886
00:50:12,440 --> 00:50:15,719
Speaker 1: you were talking about deep, like super like all these

887
00:50:15,719 --> 00:50:17,560
Speaker 1: different types of like it's like at a star on

888
00:50:17,560 --> 00:50:20,439
Speaker 1: it and everything, and then it immediately notifies the other

889
00:50:20,480 --> 00:50:24,040
Speaker 1: person that you've been superl by this person. Oh that's

890
00:50:24,040 --> 00:50:26,320
Speaker 1: another thing we can talk about, is the deep liking

891
00:50:26,320 --> 00:50:30,759
Speaker 1: and people liking all of your Facebook photos. Didn't you

892
00:50:30,800 --> 00:50:33,480
Speaker 1: guys how the first do a video about that? Oh? Yeah, yeah,

893
00:50:33,520 --> 00:50:37,280
Speaker 1: that's great. Yeah I saw it. Um, there's we've talked

894
00:50:37,280 --> 00:50:41,440
Speaker 1: about dick picks picks all right. Yeah. I was like, look,

895
00:50:41,640 --> 00:50:43,640
Speaker 1: here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna reasearch a little

896
00:50:43,680 --> 00:50:45,920
Speaker 1: more about dick pis. I know that you had done

897
00:50:46,000 --> 00:50:48,799
Speaker 1: some things on exhibition is on exhibitionism, and I was like,

898
00:50:48,800 --> 00:50:50,439
Speaker 1: you know what, I just I want to know why

899
00:50:50,480 --> 00:50:53,400
Speaker 1: did this even originate? Why who was the first person

900
00:50:53,440 --> 00:50:57,239
Speaker 1: that said, yes, this is gonna get me a date. Yes, bro,

901
00:50:57,400 --> 00:51:00,879
Speaker 1: this is gonna get me a pick. Like, I don't

902
00:51:00,960 --> 00:51:04,560
Speaker 1: understand it. So, um, I know there's been a specific

903
00:51:04,560 --> 00:51:07,080
Speaker 1: episode like we talked about, and I will say I've

904
00:51:07,120 --> 00:51:10,360
Speaker 1: never been a victim of such stupidity, But what is

905
00:51:10,360 --> 00:51:12,160
Speaker 1: the point. Okay, there's a little bit of me and

906
00:51:12,280 --> 00:51:15,520
Speaker 1: like I didn't go on but at the same time.

907
00:51:15,560 --> 00:51:17,239
Speaker 1: Please don't send me one. I don't want one. Yeah,

908
00:51:17,280 --> 00:51:21,560
Speaker 1: and specifically we're talking about unsolicited, because if you want one,

909
00:51:21,600 --> 00:51:24,200
Speaker 1: by all means have at it. Yeah, I mean. And

910
00:51:24,239 --> 00:51:28,800
Speaker 1: according to psychology today, they speculate men fear sexual rejection

911
00:51:29,040 --> 00:51:32,080
Speaker 1: and by sending pics of their genitalia they're almost getting

912
00:51:32,280 --> 00:51:35,839
Speaker 1: pre approval quote unquote. The article was written by a

913
00:51:35,880 --> 00:51:40,120
Speaker 1: male clinical psychologist, who also says, ultimately the answer here

914
00:51:40,200 --> 00:51:43,239
Speaker 1: lies in greater dialogue with men and women over what

915
00:51:43,320 --> 00:51:46,840
Speaker 1: they actually want in sexual communications and ends with the

916
00:51:46,880 --> 00:51:49,520
Speaker 1: shaming and suppression of female sexuality is part of the

917
00:51:49,640 --> 00:51:54,160
Speaker 1: issue here, as men don't feel they understand what women

918
00:51:54,200 --> 00:51:57,760
Speaker 1: actually want sexually, and women don't feel they can express

919
00:51:57,800 --> 00:52:00,799
Speaker 1: it safely. As a woman who enjoyed voice sex and

920
00:52:00,800 --> 00:52:03,160
Speaker 1: it's pretty open about it, I don't want to dick

921
00:52:03,200 --> 00:52:07,000
Speaker 1: pic in general, whether it is solicited or unsolicited, like whatever.

922
00:52:07,040 --> 00:52:09,520
Speaker 1: If you ask me, I still don't want it. Um

923
00:52:09,640 --> 00:52:11,879
Speaker 1: to me, it's not pretty. Maybe that's just not what never.

924
00:52:12,400 --> 00:52:15,160
Speaker 1: Picture doesn't start my engine, as I would like to say,

925
00:52:15,880 --> 00:52:19,120
Speaker 1: especially if I don't even know you. And I guess

926
00:52:19,160 --> 00:52:21,360
Speaker 1: I mean, And I've talked to several men who are like, no,

927
00:52:21,440 --> 00:52:23,160
Speaker 1: I've never just sent one out, but they've asked for

928
00:52:23,360 --> 00:52:25,680
Speaker 1: women have asked for it, and I'm like, okay, that's

929
00:52:25,680 --> 00:52:28,840
Speaker 1: cool because for me, I don't quite understand it, and

930
00:52:28,880 --> 00:52:30,960
Speaker 1: that could be every bit of the sexual attraction. So

931
00:52:31,040 --> 00:52:34,480
Speaker 1: for those women out there who have what made you? What?

932
00:52:34,480 --> 00:52:36,239
Speaker 1: What is it that you like about it? Is it

933
00:52:36,320 --> 00:52:39,360
Speaker 1: the same thing as I guess men like about seeing

934
00:52:39,520 --> 00:52:43,760
Speaker 1: women's body parts? I would I'm sure there are people

935
00:52:44,920 --> 00:52:47,360
Speaker 1: who do. Yeah, but I I bet there's also like

936
00:52:47,400 --> 00:52:50,320
Speaker 1: a kind of power and is it okay? Because I

937
00:52:50,400 --> 00:52:53,560
Speaker 1: know for the most part the reason things like, um,

938
00:52:53,600 --> 00:52:57,759
Speaker 1: what is it the gray whatever? That? Yeah, any of

939
00:52:57,800 --> 00:53:00,240
Speaker 1: those grays in there fifty are gray. Part of the

940
00:53:00,280 --> 00:53:03,719
Speaker 1: thing was it would be a lot of hinting and

941
00:53:03,760 --> 00:53:07,239
Speaker 1: the teasing and the tantalizing and like whatever. So in

942
00:53:07,320 --> 00:53:10,480
Speaker 1: my head is like when it's written, it's much better

943
00:53:10,560 --> 00:53:14,680
Speaker 1: to to have that and to actually see pictures. But

944
00:53:14,760 --> 00:53:18,520
Speaker 1: maybe that's just yeah, me, I think it's I think

945
00:53:18,560 --> 00:53:20,440
Speaker 1: it's again a lot of things, but probably like a

946
00:53:20,480 --> 00:53:26,200
Speaker 1: power play like game chase sort of thing. Um, So

947
00:53:26,360 --> 00:53:30,040
Speaker 1: one of the things too could be um de incentivized

948
00:53:30,120 --> 00:53:33,400
Speaker 1: high risk romantic situation has been by high risk This

949
00:53:33,480 --> 00:53:36,120
Speaker 1: is the fear of projection. Dating apps are easier and

950
00:53:36,200 --> 00:53:39,360
Speaker 1: lower risk in terms of like, it was a stranger,

951
00:53:39,960 --> 00:53:41,839
Speaker 1: so if it doesn't work out, no big, instead of like,

952
00:53:41,920 --> 00:53:44,239
Speaker 1: this is a friend I have. If it doesn't work out,

953
00:53:44,680 --> 00:53:47,040
Speaker 1: maybe we won't be friends anymore. Right. I actually have

954
00:53:47,120 --> 00:53:49,960
Speaker 1: told my friends that to be careful when setting up

955
00:53:50,320 --> 00:53:52,480
Speaker 1: China set me up with someone, because I'm like, I'm

956
00:53:52,520 --> 00:53:54,399
Speaker 1: not the easiest person to get along all the time,

957
00:53:54,560 --> 00:53:57,719
Speaker 1: and if I don't like them, things get awkward real quick.

958
00:53:57,719 --> 00:53:59,600
Speaker 1: And I'm like, if you want to stay friends with them,

959
00:53:59,719 --> 00:54:02,560
Speaker 1: or you may just not want to. I have a

960
00:54:02,560 --> 00:54:04,600
Speaker 1: pretty strictul with friends where I tell them I don't

961
00:54:04,600 --> 00:54:07,720
Speaker 1: want to date your friends and it's nothing like plenty

962
00:54:07,760 --> 00:54:10,440
Speaker 1: of your friends are wonderful. I just don't want to

963
00:54:10,480 --> 00:54:12,160
Speaker 1: be in that situation. I don't want to mess up

964
00:54:12,160 --> 00:54:15,239
Speaker 1: the vibe arientionship. That doesn't mean I haven't done it right,

965
00:54:15,480 --> 00:54:20,120
Speaker 1: but in general I would rather avoid that, and I um,

966
00:54:20,239 --> 00:54:21,960
Speaker 1: that is one of the easiest ways to meet people,

967
00:54:22,000 --> 00:54:28,880
Speaker 1: so does remove Lack of labels is one thing that

968
00:54:29,080 --> 00:54:32,120
Speaker 1: I have run into a lot, fear of being honest

969
00:54:32,200 --> 00:54:35,759
Speaker 1: about desires like men who want casual sex afraid that

970
00:54:35,800 --> 00:54:39,439
Speaker 1: they'll scare women away who don't want casual sex, women

971
00:54:39,480 --> 00:54:42,879
Speaker 1: who want serious relationships, afraid they'll scare men away who

972
00:54:43,040 --> 00:54:45,399
Speaker 1: don't want serious relationships. And you know, things can turn

973
00:54:45,400 --> 00:54:48,360
Speaker 1: into different things. That's as you start dating someone longer.

974
00:54:48,400 --> 00:54:53,120
Speaker 1: But that fear that you'll kind of shut down immediately. Yeah,

975
00:54:53,160 --> 00:54:56,560
Speaker 1: that's swipe because you said I want to casual sex.

976
00:54:56,920 --> 00:54:59,080
Speaker 1: These are generalizations, but I did read a lot of

977
00:54:59,120 --> 00:55:01,960
Speaker 1: accounts of that things. Well, I mean, yeah, you're absolutely right,

978
00:55:02,000 --> 00:55:06,359
Speaker 1: I think uh. I now am very aware of looking

979
00:55:06,400 --> 00:55:09,480
Speaker 1: to make sure it's not necessarily something that's polyamorous, which

980
00:55:09,480 --> 00:55:11,879
Speaker 1: a lot of people are into, and that's cool for me.

981
00:55:12,000 --> 00:55:14,200
Speaker 1: I can't do that. I already happened up anxiety with

982
00:55:14,239 --> 00:55:16,640
Speaker 1: just one person. As in fact, I can't date multiple

983
00:55:16,640 --> 00:55:19,440
Speaker 1: people at one point in time. If I date a

984
00:55:19,440 --> 00:55:21,160
Speaker 1: few people at the same time, I need to concentrate

985
00:55:21,280 --> 00:55:23,360
Speaker 1: on the one that I like the most first. Like

986
00:55:23,440 --> 00:55:25,759
Speaker 1: that's how I do it, because I'm just I'm not

987
00:55:25,760 --> 00:55:30,120
Speaker 1: good at prioritizing. Maybe I don't know, um, But with

988
00:55:30,200 --> 00:55:34,880
Speaker 1: that also because in the old school days before the

989
00:55:34,920 --> 00:55:37,920
Speaker 1: real like impact of online dating, when you had a

990
00:55:37,960 --> 00:55:41,360
Speaker 1: relationship somewhere down the line. You have to have the

991
00:55:41,520 --> 00:55:46,239
Speaker 1: dt R defining the relationship. Yeah, and whether or not

992
00:55:46,280 --> 00:55:49,239
Speaker 1: are you friends? Are you moving forward? Are you still

993
00:55:49,280 --> 00:55:51,839
Speaker 1: don't know? Is it's gonna be casual? Is this gonna

994
00:55:51,920 --> 00:55:54,560
Speaker 1: be you know, serious? All of those things? Is this

995
00:55:54,719 --> 00:55:58,080
Speaker 1: going to a direction of marriage? Usually that's the deeper level.

996
00:55:58,600 --> 00:56:01,160
Speaker 1: So like, I don't know if I hear that as much,

997
00:56:01,280 --> 00:56:04,560
Speaker 1: but I know with the whole dating world, online dating world,

998
00:56:04,680 --> 00:56:07,360
Speaker 1: they do eventually have to get to that point. But

999
00:56:07,400 --> 00:56:12,200
Speaker 1: the first conversation is are we exclusive? Oh? Yeah, you know,

1000
00:56:12,280 --> 00:56:14,239
Speaker 1: And I don't think that was as much thought of

1001
00:56:14,480 --> 00:56:16,760
Speaker 1: beforehand because it was automatally, Yeah, of course we're exclusive.

1002
00:56:16,800 --> 00:56:18,719
Speaker 1: But where are we going with this? Now? It's are

1003
00:56:18,760 --> 00:56:21,400
Speaker 1: we exclusive? Have you turned off your site? Like for

1004
00:56:21,480 --> 00:56:23,920
Speaker 1: me one of my relationships, as a test of it

1005
00:56:24,000 --> 00:56:26,919
Speaker 1: was are you still on there? Because if you're still

1006
00:56:26,920 --> 00:56:29,160
Speaker 1: on there, then that makes you are still looking if

1007
00:56:29,200 --> 00:56:32,239
Speaker 1: we're not, if we're dating each other, the big significance

1008
00:56:32,320 --> 00:56:34,879
Speaker 1: is to shut down those sites. Oh wow, I haven't

1009
00:56:34,880 --> 00:56:39,120
Speaker 1: considered that. Um yeah, I do think it's funny that

1010
00:56:39,200 --> 00:56:41,319
Speaker 1: a lot of times when I've been kind of on

1011
00:56:41,400 --> 00:56:47,000
Speaker 1: these and these nebulous relationships, when the time comes where

1012
00:56:47,000 --> 00:56:50,800
Speaker 1: it's like clear that one party wants to date um,

1013
00:56:50,920 --> 00:56:53,480
Speaker 1: and then usually when they can tell that I'm not

1014
00:56:53,520 --> 00:56:55,400
Speaker 1: into it, they say, we don't have to label anything

1015
00:56:55,480 --> 00:56:58,640
Speaker 1: right now, right right. As for me, I'm like, I

1016
00:56:58,680 --> 00:57:01,239
Speaker 1: need to label things, but you don't want to. Okay, Fine,

1017
00:57:01,239 --> 00:57:03,440
Speaker 1: We'll just keep going for a little while until I

1018
00:57:03,560 --> 00:57:06,239
Speaker 1: find something better. You told me the other day that

1019
00:57:06,719 --> 00:57:11,040
Speaker 1: another term met cute. I didn't know what that was.

1020
00:57:13,320 --> 00:57:15,840
Speaker 1: You know what, that would be a really great dating app.

1021
00:57:16,040 --> 00:57:17,920
Speaker 1: I think we should do this because then we can

1022
00:57:18,000 --> 00:57:21,480
Speaker 1: make me a range for them for them to be

1023
00:57:21,520 --> 00:57:24,200
Speaker 1: at somewhere, and like they don't know who they're dating,

1024
00:57:24,200 --> 00:57:25,960
Speaker 1: but we know their personality. Oh, I think we just

1025
00:57:26,000 --> 00:57:30,080
Speaker 1: created a an app. We should we should do this.

1026
00:57:30,240 --> 00:57:33,520
Speaker 1: But yeah, meet cute meaning like you this accidental meeting

1027
00:57:33,920 --> 00:57:37,120
Speaker 1: that you have that purposely like puts you together. So

1028
00:57:37,360 --> 00:57:39,200
Speaker 1: I was talking to you because this is like a

1029
00:57:39,280 --> 00:57:43,920
Speaker 1: movie term I think, UM, where they run into each

1030
00:57:43,920 --> 00:57:46,040
Speaker 1: other as are trying to get to their wherever they're

1031
00:57:46,160 --> 00:57:48,400
Speaker 1: running late to and bust each other and then then

1032
00:57:48,440 --> 00:57:50,080
Speaker 1: all their stuff comes out and then oh, look they

1033
00:57:50,080 --> 00:57:52,560
Speaker 1: had the same book. It's meant to be. It's a

1034
00:57:52,600 --> 00:57:55,240
Speaker 1: meet cute and you have a conversation that's yeah, okay,

1035
00:57:55,520 --> 00:57:57,480
Speaker 1: there you go. Thanks for falling into place for me.

1036
00:57:57,600 --> 00:58:00,720
Speaker 1: You know, I got you, okay perfect. Um. Another thing

1037
00:58:00,760 --> 00:58:04,640
Speaker 1: that's gotten me in trouble is um Netflix and Chill,

1038
00:58:04,680 --> 00:58:06,920
Speaker 1: which I've talked about on this show before because I

1039
00:58:07,080 --> 00:58:09,160
Speaker 1: literally like, if you want to come over and watch Netflix,

1040
00:58:09,560 --> 00:58:12,439
Speaker 1: that's what we're gonna do. But it has this other meeting.

1041
00:58:12,560 --> 00:58:14,880
Speaker 1: So I've run into trouble where people come over clearly

1042
00:58:14,920 --> 00:58:17,120
Speaker 1: they thought something else is gonna happen. I'm like, I've

1043
00:58:17,120 --> 00:58:19,600
Speaker 1: never invited anyone over, but I used the terms all

1044
00:58:19,640 --> 00:58:20,920
Speaker 1: the time and they'd be like, no, that's not what

1045
00:58:20,960 --> 00:58:23,240
Speaker 1: you think of means that just that means I get

1046
00:58:23,280 --> 00:58:27,040
Speaker 1: to sit on the couch and watch chill TV, watch Netflix, right,

1047
00:58:27,040 --> 00:58:28,560
Speaker 1: and then not because I would say there's like I'm

1048
00:58:28,560 --> 00:58:30,920
Speaker 1: gonna go to Nextflix and chill with Peaches and they're like,

1049
00:58:31,000 --> 00:58:35,320
Speaker 1: excuse me, no, It was like, what what's happening? Yeah?

1050
00:58:35,360 --> 00:58:37,720
Speaker 1: That took me a minute too. Um. And it kind

1051
00:58:37,720 --> 00:58:41,680
Speaker 1: of relates to the non the no labels thing because

1052
00:58:41,720 --> 00:58:47,640
Speaker 1: I found um this quote from a Lana Massey. Chill

1053
00:58:47,680 --> 00:58:50,560
Speaker 1: asked us to remove the language of courtship and desire

1054
00:58:51,360 --> 00:58:56,320
Speaker 1: lest we appear invested somehow in other human beings. It

1055
00:58:56,440 --> 00:58:58,640
Speaker 1: is a game of chicken where the first person to

1056
00:58:58,760 --> 00:59:03,120
Speaker 1: confess their frustration and or confusion loses. I will say,

1057
00:59:03,200 --> 00:59:05,440
Speaker 1: I don't think I ever used that term, but I

1058
00:59:05,840 --> 00:59:07,920
Speaker 1: used to use the term hang out. That was a

1059
00:59:07,960 --> 00:59:11,800
Speaker 1: code coming out, you know, kind of making that a

1060
00:59:11,840 --> 00:59:19,400
Speaker 1: little calm loose. M hm hmm. It certainly does seem

1061
00:59:19,400 --> 00:59:23,080
Speaker 1: like a power play when the person who cares more

1062
00:59:24,040 --> 00:59:27,080
Speaker 1: has less power, right, I mean, I think I absolutely

1063
00:59:27,120 --> 00:59:31,919
Speaker 1: see that with my own perceptions in dating and relationships.

1064
00:59:32,400 --> 00:59:36,680
Speaker 1: When I see or seems it seems that I care

1065
00:59:36,720 --> 00:59:41,440
Speaker 1: more about something. I started retreating because I don't want

1066
00:59:41,440 --> 00:59:43,960
Speaker 1: to invest in something that's not worth investing or that's

1067
00:59:44,000 --> 00:59:48,240
Speaker 1: not going anywhere. And for me, I have a lot

1068
00:59:48,280 --> 00:59:52,840
Speaker 1: of emotions. Getting older, I got even more emotions. Um

1069
00:59:52,880 --> 00:59:56,120
Speaker 1: and I think as we come along, I'm like, at

1070
00:59:56,120 --> 00:59:58,320
Speaker 1: this point in time in my age, either I want

1071
00:59:58,360 --> 01:00:01,480
Speaker 1: to be with someone because want to be and that

1072
01:00:01,560 --> 01:00:03,600
Speaker 1: we can compromise, not because I have to. You know

1073
01:00:03,640 --> 01:00:05,320
Speaker 1: what I mean. I've never been that person that needs

1074
01:00:05,360 --> 01:00:07,120
Speaker 1: to be in a relationship, that needs to be married,

1075
01:00:07,160 --> 01:00:09,200
Speaker 1: that needs you know, these goals as we talked about

1076
01:00:09,240 --> 01:00:12,480
Speaker 1: the first episode. But at the same time, so therefore,

1077
01:00:13,000 --> 01:00:16,560
Speaker 1: if I'm doing this, if I'm investing in you, it

1078
01:00:16,640 --> 01:00:19,640
Speaker 1: means I am putting a lot more effort and there's

1079
01:00:19,680 --> 01:00:22,720
Speaker 1: a lot more risk for me. It fills you know,

1080
01:00:22,760 --> 01:00:26,640
Speaker 1: and then the heartbreak of if it just dies, vulnerability,

1081
01:00:27,560 --> 01:00:32,040
Speaker 1: it's gross. It's gross. Is it's part of life. Um.

1082
01:00:32,120 --> 01:00:35,920
Speaker 1: And so with this new dating realm, there are also

1083
01:00:36,040 --> 01:00:39,200
Speaker 1: some new rules that I and everybody's rules are kind

1084
01:00:39,200 --> 01:00:41,680
Speaker 1: of specific, which I like. But texting is one, like

1085
01:00:41,840 --> 01:00:45,040
Speaker 1: we text right, we don't really right. That's the thing.

1086
01:00:45,080 --> 01:00:47,320
Speaker 1: I think the old rules of phone calls have translated

1087
01:00:47,320 --> 01:00:49,960
Speaker 1: to texting. How long do you wait until you text? Though?

1088
01:00:50,200 --> 01:00:53,120
Speaker 1: How long do you wait to respond without being too overeager?

1089
01:00:53,520 --> 01:00:55,960
Speaker 1: I mean there was so I'm really like, I really

1090
01:00:55,960 --> 01:00:59,960
Speaker 1: like the new girl, which is Zoetael. I'm not necessarily

1091
01:01:00,080 --> 01:01:02,960
Speaker 1: for her, but for like all of the characters and

1092
01:01:03,160 --> 01:01:05,640
Speaker 1: one of the I think it's the first episode she

1093
01:01:05,800 --> 01:01:07,680
Speaker 1: sends a text to a guy as she's trying to

1094
01:01:07,680 --> 01:01:11,280
Speaker 1: find a rebound, and her being a QC self naike

1095
01:01:11,560 --> 01:01:14,560
Speaker 1: yourself has probably given like ten texts and two days

1096
01:01:14,960 --> 01:01:18,680
Speaker 1: being excited about plans in which the guy responds with, yeah,

1097
01:01:18,840 --> 01:01:21,600
Speaker 1: there's too many texts. I just wanted to sleep with her,

1098
01:01:21,840 --> 01:01:24,640
Speaker 1: and then he kind of ghosted her essentially and left

1099
01:01:24,640 --> 01:01:27,520
Speaker 1: her hanging. But unlike that, that's kind of the idea

1100
01:01:27,800 --> 01:01:31,480
Speaker 1: like how far, how much? How long? Yeah, you know,

1101
01:01:31,640 --> 01:01:33,560
Speaker 1: And it's kind of the same lines that we used

1102
01:01:33,560 --> 01:01:36,040
Speaker 1: to have with phone calls, but now it's with the

1103
01:01:36,080 --> 01:01:40,320
Speaker 1: texts and the bubbles and the unread stuff. Too many things. Man,

1104
01:01:40,440 --> 01:01:43,240
Speaker 1: remember the phone calls though, the pain of if your

1105
01:01:43,320 --> 01:01:49,080
Speaker 1: dad answered, grabbed the line, and the and the well,

1106
01:01:49,120 --> 01:01:50,680
Speaker 1: I don't know if you're older for those, I just

1107
01:01:50,680 --> 01:01:52,560
Speaker 1: remember thinking, Man, if I could just have my own

1108
01:01:52,560 --> 01:01:54,960
Speaker 1: phone line, all the cool because have their own phone line,

1109
01:01:55,000 --> 01:01:56,680
Speaker 1: Let me have my own phone line. I did not

1110
01:01:56,760 --> 01:01:58,840
Speaker 1: have my own phone line, and me either, But we

1111
01:01:58,840 --> 01:02:01,880
Speaker 1: were talking about MSN and chat rooms a o L

1112
01:02:02,040 --> 01:02:04,640
Speaker 1: before this. I I have something when it comes to

1113
01:02:04,640 --> 01:02:07,280
Speaker 1: texting that I like to call the Cold War. And

1114
01:02:07,360 --> 01:02:10,520
Speaker 1: this doesn't have to be romantic at all, but it

1115
01:02:10,560 --> 01:02:14,600
Speaker 1: has to do with um whoever has the power of

1116
01:02:15,160 --> 01:02:19,160
Speaker 1: the form of communication how often. And it's actually I

1117
01:02:19,280 --> 01:02:22,680
Speaker 1: usually use this more with my heterosexual male friends who

1118
01:02:22,720 --> 01:02:26,600
Speaker 1: have a serious relationship, where I'm worried that they're they're significant.

1119
01:02:26,600 --> 01:02:29,360
Speaker 1: Other might think that I'm like up to no good,

1120
01:02:29,760 --> 01:02:33,360
Speaker 1: so I let them dictate the form of communication. It's

1121
01:02:33,360 --> 01:02:35,520
Speaker 1: a cold war because they got the power, and I

1122
01:02:35,600 --> 01:02:39,360
Speaker 1: kind of just have to make sure that everything stays.

1123
01:02:39,440 --> 01:02:42,640
Speaker 1: You have to, yeah, you have to be less enthusiastic

1124
01:02:42,880 --> 01:02:45,000
Speaker 1: and no one reads into it. Yes, I think I

1125
01:02:45,040 --> 01:02:48,000
Speaker 1: did the same, just in general. With UM, guys that

1126
01:02:48,080 --> 01:02:50,360
Speaker 1: I date or i'm hooking up with. I'm like, Okay,

1127
01:02:50,520 --> 01:02:52,720
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna text them. He's gonna text me first,

1128
01:02:53,000 --> 01:02:56,080
Speaker 1: and then I'll respond when I want to. That's a

1129
01:02:56,120 --> 01:02:59,680
Speaker 1: cold war. Um. Splitting the check. It used to be

1130
01:02:59,760 --> 01:03:02,280
Speaker 1: so rare for a man who has no relation um

1131
01:03:02,320 --> 01:03:04,520
Speaker 1: to a woman to pay for the check. It was

1132
01:03:04,560 --> 01:03:08,320
Speaker 1: seen as a sign of prostitution. People could get arrested.

1133
01:03:08,680 --> 01:03:12,920
Speaker 1: Really yeah. One study found that sevent men report feeling

1134
01:03:12,920 --> 01:03:15,160
Speaker 1: guilty they don't pick up the check on a date

1135
01:03:15,320 --> 01:03:17,600
Speaker 1: these days, and another found that seventy seven percent of

1136
01:03:17,640 --> 01:03:20,560
Speaker 1: male and female respondents agreed that men should pay on

1137
01:03:20,640 --> 01:03:23,840
Speaker 1: the first date. Really yeah. I have been on dates

1138
01:03:24,160 --> 01:03:27,160
Speaker 1: with women and we just kind of split it automatically.

1139
01:03:27,480 --> 01:03:30,400
Speaker 1: I don't know if that's the experience of most people.

1140
01:03:30,520 --> 01:03:34,080
Speaker 1: Please write in I'm pro splitting. On dates with men,

1141
01:03:34,120 --> 01:03:36,320
Speaker 1: I would usually suggest we split it. Some men were

1142
01:03:36,360 --> 01:03:39,040
Speaker 1: cool with that, others weren't cool with that are and

1143
01:03:39,080 --> 01:03:40,680
Speaker 1: as long as they were polite about it and not

1144
01:03:40,800 --> 01:03:44,000
Speaker 1: demeaning or sexist, I didn't really fight with them about Like,

1145
01:03:44,000 --> 01:03:46,240
Speaker 1: if you want to pay for me, okay, I'm the

1146
01:03:46,280 --> 01:03:50,560
Speaker 1: same way. I always usually asked split it um on

1147
01:03:50,600 --> 01:03:52,919
Speaker 1: the first date, no problem. If I have a second date,

1148
01:03:53,280 --> 01:03:55,680
Speaker 1: it kind of and again, this is the old fashioned,

1149
01:03:56,000 --> 01:03:59,760
Speaker 1: um weird way, but at least they should offer. I

1150
01:03:59,760 --> 01:04:02,080
Speaker 1: don't necessarily take it, but at least I just don't

1151
01:04:02,080 --> 01:04:04,800
Speaker 1: want to know that they're as generous as I would be,

1152
01:04:04,800 --> 01:04:07,000
Speaker 1: because in that same phase, if they happen to pick

1153
01:04:07,080 --> 01:04:08,960
Speaker 1: up that second check, I will pick up that third check,

1154
01:04:09,360 --> 01:04:11,080
Speaker 1: like I will actually take it off because I'm like,

1155
01:04:11,120 --> 01:04:13,760
Speaker 1: we're gonna be even in this. So for me though,

1156
01:04:13,880 --> 01:04:16,600
Speaker 1: that's kind of one of the ways I show love

1157
01:04:16,640 --> 01:04:18,240
Speaker 1: and friendship with people. It's like I'll pick up other

1158
01:04:18,240 --> 01:04:20,320
Speaker 1: people's checks and things for them, so kind of like

1159
01:04:20,880 --> 01:04:24,280
Speaker 1: that's the basis in my head, not that that's something

1160
01:04:24,320 --> 01:04:26,520
Speaker 1: that's necessary, but I guess because I still have that

1161
01:04:26,600 --> 01:04:31,320
Speaker 1: old school idea of dating that's kind of in my head. Um,

1162
01:04:31,320 --> 01:04:35,120
Speaker 1: but it's not a complete deal breaker. I think. Um.

1163
01:04:35,160 --> 01:04:39,320
Speaker 1: I definitely had those moments where I have offered to

1164
01:04:39,320 --> 01:04:41,320
Speaker 1: pick up a check and they're like yet cool without

1165
01:04:41,320 --> 01:04:43,840
Speaker 1: any hesitation. And when I'm when someone else is pick

1166
01:04:43,840 --> 01:04:45,880
Speaker 1: it up a check from me, I make sure to

1167
01:04:46,160 --> 01:04:48,960
Speaker 1: equal or do lesser of what they pay for, if

1168
01:04:48,960 --> 01:04:51,600
Speaker 1: that makes sense, if what they order. The couples that

1169
01:04:51,640 --> 01:04:54,400
Speaker 1: I talked with, they talked about immediately like, um, my

1170
01:04:54,400 --> 01:04:56,600
Speaker 1: friend Haley and her girlfriend Karen, we're talking about it's

1171
01:04:56,600 --> 01:04:59,080
Speaker 1: always split. Oh no, no, like it was just no

1172
01:04:59,160 --> 01:05:01,880
Speaker 1: doubt it is splitting. And that was Matt and Louise.

1173
01:05:01,920 --> 01:05:05,560
Speaker 1: They are like, um, they're like no to me, who

1174
01:05:05,760 --> 01:05:09,440
Speaker 1: actually wouldn't said the person who asks that they is

1175
01:05:09,480 --> 01:05:12,560
Speaker 1: the one that they always felt like should offer. But

1176
01:05:12,600 --> 01:05:15,840
Speaker 1: I say what I was split? Still? Yeah, yeah, they

1177
01:05:16,080 --> 01:05:18,160
Speaker 1: I see some new ones there. I I every time

1178
01:05:18,200 --> 01:05:22,400
Speaker 1: I would ask me and my ex we generally split, right,

1179
01:05:22,440 --> 01:05:24,040
Speaker 1: But every time I would ask to go to somewhere

1180
01:05:24,040 --> 01:05:27,320
Speaker 1: that's pretty expensive, then I would offer because I'm not

1181
01:05:27,360 --> 01:05:29,440
Speaker 1: sure you would have gone right. And that's the thing

1182
01:05:29,680 --> 01:05:31,360
Speaker 1: same thing for me, Like if I know I want

1183
01:05:31,400 --> 01:05:33,560
Speaker 1: to eat somewhere, and I know you're thinking you want

1184
01:05:33,560 --> 01:05:35,320
Speaker 1: to stay home, but I'm like, I need you to

1185
01:05:35,320 --> 01:05:36,960
Speaker 1: go with me. I'm going to pick up pick it

1186
01:05:37,040 --> 01:05:40,120
Speaker 1: up every time. And recently it's just been me want

1187
01:05:40,120 --> 01:05:42,120
Speaker 1: to go everywhere as I'm like, I'm gonna pay for everybody.

1188
01:05:42,160 --> 01:05:46,040
Speaker 1: It's fun. I just don't want to stay home and cook. Yeah. Yeah,

1189
01:05:46,080 --> 01:05:51,240
Speaker 1: I understand. There's also dating multiple people at once. Now

1190
01:05:51,320 --> 01:05:54,360
Speaker 1: it's kind of more common. Well, as my friend would

1191
01:05:54,360 --> 01:05:57,760
Speaker 1: say it, it's building a team. Um, I'm actually really

1192
01:05:57,800 --> 01:06:00,240
Speaker 1: bad that has I already told you. I feel like

1193
01:06:00,400 --> 01:06:02,640
Speaker 1: if I see one spark of chemistry, I can only

1194
01:06:02,640 --> 01:06:05,320
Speaker 1: focus on that. But again, this may be why I'm

1195
01:06:05,320 --> 01:06:09,840
Speaker 1: doing this all wrong. Let's just say that so doesn't work.

1196
01:06:09,960 --> 01:06:12,880
Speaker 1: And as I researched, I found a plethora of articles

1197
01:06:12,920 --> 01:06:16,600
Speaker 1: for how to date multiple people out of time. Yeah. Um,

1198
01:06:16,640 --> 01:06:19,480
Speaker 1: they're all pretty much saying the same thing. So if

1199
01:06:19,480 --> 01:06:21,920
Speaker 1: you need to know about these articles, just google it.

1200
01:06:21,920 --> 01:06:26,240
Speaker 1: It essentially talks about taking your time, enjoying it, doing,

1201
01:06:26,600 --> 01:06:29,160
Speaker 1: not taking it too seriously, all that good stuff that

1202
01:06:29,240 --> 01:06:33,600
Speaker 1: you would probably think of when you're on your own. Um,

1203
01:06:33,640 --> 01:06:35,800
Speaker 1: and I'm sure as we know there are those pick

1204
01:06:35,880 --> 01:06:39,560
Speaker 1: up artists who can teach you some things. Please don't

1205
01:06:39,560 --> 01:06:43,640
Speaker 1: do that. But I'm just saying that's out there too,

1206
01:06:43,640 --> 01:06:47,000
Speaker 1: so be aware. Yeah. One one thing I found that

1207
01:06:47,040 --> 01:06:50,280
Speaker 1: I thought was really interesting is dressing for dates, like

1208
01:06:50,400 --> 01:06:54,760
Speaker 1: choosing your your wardrobe. Fashion experts have noticed since Me Too,

1209
01:06:55,280 --> 01:06:59,600
Speaker 1: trends have shifted away from sex appeal like straight up

1210
01:07:00,080 --> 01:07:04,439
Speaker 1: least sexy two, longer him lines, looser silhouettes. So I mean, yeah,

1211
01:07:04,480 --> 01:07:09,800
Speaker 1: it's still sex appeal, but like more subtle sex appeal. Right. Um. Yeah,

1212
01:07:09,800 --> 01:07:13,440
Speaker 1: they were talking about the red carpet blackout, um, the

1213
01:07:13,520 --> 01:07:16,800
Speaker 1: declining readings at the Victoria's Secret Fashion show, kind of

1214
01:07:16,840 --> 01:07:21,400
Speaker 1: the shift. I just hadn't considered that aspect of it,

1215
01:07:21,440 --> 01:07:23,480
Speaker 1: and I thought that was really interesting. I do remember that,

1216
01:07:23,960 --> 01:07:27,800
Speaker 1: like anxiety of what am I going to wear? I

1217
01:07:27,840 --> 01:07:31,240
Speaker 1: mean I have that every day. Still not me to

1218
01:07:31,560 --> 01:07:33,040
Speaker 1: like I'm like, what am I going to wear today?

1219
01:07:33,480 --> 01:07:36,320
Speaker 1: I mean I wear lipstick in the morning to offices

1220
01:07:36,360 --> 01:07:38,479
Speaker 1: that no one sees me up. But I'm like, yeah, okay,

1221
01:07:38,720 --> 01:07:41,600
Speaker 1: I still have that Southern woman in me, where like dad,

1222
01:07:41,600 --> 01:07:43,520
Speaker 1: I put my face on. You can't go out without

1223
01:07:43,520 --> 01:07:46,080
Speaker 1: you putting your face on. Um, but you know what,

1224
01:07:46,120 --> 01:07:49,360
Speaker 1: I don't necessarily quit all this as a result of

1225
01:07:49,400 --> 01:07:53,240
Speaker 1: me too necessarily, but rather it's the continued misconception that

1226
01:07:53,280 --> 01:07:56,200
Speaker 1: women have to dress down to not be raped, or

1227
01:07:56,240 --> 01:07:58,880
Speaker 1: to be or to be seen as slutty. I think

1228
01:07:58,920 --> 01:08:02,000
Speaker 1: what we're seeing more and more are is that the

1229
01:08:02,160 --> 01:08:06,400
Speaker 1: backlash for rape apologists, I'm gonna leave it as that,

1230
01:08:06,960 --> 01:08:09,800
Speaker 1: or people who don't believe that this is a problem,

1231
01:08:10,000 --> 01:08:13,160
Speaker 1: who continue to try to blame women, as you shouldn't

1232
01:08:13,160 --> 01:08:14,920
Speaker 1: have been doing this, you should have done this, Why

1233
01:08:14,920 --> 01:08:16,800
Speaker 1: didn't you do this? What did you wear? And I

1234
01:08:16,840 --> 01:08:20,720
Speaker 1: think that's part of the unfortunate circumstances behind some of

1235
01:08:20,760 --> 01:08:24,719
Speaker 1: these things that women are like, okay, they cannot separate,

1236
01:08:24,720 --> 01:08:26,680
Speaker 1: not necessarily, not because they don't want to or they

1237
01:08:26,680 --> 01:08:29,439
Speaker 1: believe in it, but this misogynistic idea of how I

1238
01:08:29,600 --> 01:08:33,880
Speaker 1: dress is going to affect what happens to me, sure,

1239
01:08:33,960 --> 01:08:36,280
Speaker 1: and like how people view this right, And I think

1240
01:08:36,320 --> 01:08:38,599
Speaker 1: that's just coming more and more delight as we see

1241
01:08:38,680 --> 01:08:42,240
Speaker 1: more and more people and predators getting away with things

1242
01:08:42,280 --> 01:08:46,080
Speaker 1: are getting lesser, sentences are getting um so much empathy.

1243
01:08:47,200 --> 01:08:51,639
Speaker 1: Oddly enough, like Davos and all of the my own

1244
01:08:51,680 --> 01:08:54,599
Speaker 1: mother who won't talk about these boys that made these

1245
01:08:54,760 --> 01:08:58,080
Speaker 1: sad mistakes when women, you know, lead them on, you know.

1246
01:08:58,120 --> 01:09:01,400
Speaker 1: And I think part of that is not necessarily because

1247
01:09:01,920 --> 01:09:04,920
Speaker 1: it's may too, it's oh no, they are still thinking

1248
01:09:04,920 --> 01:09:08,439
Speaker 1: this way, and this has brought out the fact this

1249
01:09:08,479 --> 01:09:12,120
Speaker 1: is still an idea out there that people believe. Yeah,

1250
01:09:12,320 --> 01:09:16,160
Speaker 1: I do think there is another layer to it as well.

1251
01:09:16,520 --> 01:09:18,960
Speaker 1: And I say this as someone who I've said it

1252
01:09:19,000 --> 01:09:22,040
Speaker 1: many times on the show. I love dressing in a

1253
01:09:22,080 --> 01:09:25,280
Speaker 1: sexy outfit, right, I love it, right, But I also

1254
01:09:25,400 --> 01:09:29,240
Speaker 1: love dressing in comfortable outfit on occasion. And I think

1255
01:09:29,800 --> 01:09:32,160
Speaker 1: more and more women are owning the fact that I

1256
01:09:32,200 --> 01:09:35,000
Speaker 1: can dress from my own damn right, and I don't

1257
01:09:35,040 --> 01:09:37,840
Speaker 1: have to dress for what I think you want. And

1258
01:09:38,120 --> 01:09:40,920
Speaker 1: that is I just think there's a lot of things

1259
01:09:40,960 --> 01:09:45,080
Speaker 1: going on there. Yeah, yeah, the ins and out it

1260
01:09:45,200 --> 01:09:47,120
Speaker 1: really go from day to day. One day, I'm like,

1261
01:09:47,160 --> 01:09:49,040
Speaker 1: you know what, I'm gonna just super sexy. Right next

1262
01:09:49,120 --> 01:09:52,360
Speaker 1: day I'm like, I don't care, I'm more swept back, right,

1263
01:09:52,880 --> 01:09:57,160
Speaker 1: just like the picture. I'm sure don't talk about bad

1264
01:09:57,439 --> 01:10:00,519
Speaker 1: you and your Harry Potter pajamas at a What a

1265
01:10:00,600 --> 01:10:03,360
Speaker 1: day that was? It was a lovely day was lovely.

1266
01:10:04,600 --> 01:10:07,120
Speaker 1: There's a couple of more rules I wanted to touch on.

1267
01:10:07,120 --> 01:10:11,080
Speaker 1: One is we all know that there is harassment online dating.

1268
01:10:11,120 --> 01:10:12,800
Speaker 1: We've been talking about it a little bit um, but

1269
01:10:12,880 --> 01:10:15,160
Speaker 1: apparently from a couple of things I read, putting feminist

1270
01:10:15,200 --> 01:10:21,080
Speaker 1: in your bio minimizes unsolicited explicit messages. Interesting, m Um.

1271
01:10:21,080 --> 01:10:23,559
Speaker 1: For my rules, first meetups are a small amount of

1272
01:10:23,600 --> 01:10:27,280
Speaker 1: time in date settings i e. Coffee or drink. Um.

1273
01:10:27,320 --> 01:10:30,000
Speaker 1: I don't give that phone numbers until after the second date,

1274
01:10:30,240 --> 01:10:31,920
Speaker 1: which is weird, I know, but I just feel like

1275
01:10:31,960 --> 01:10:36,040
Speaker 1: that's a direct contact that I don't want necessarily. Um,

1276
01:10:36,040 --> 01:10:38,559
Speaker 1: I don't Facebook friend them. I don't. There's no social

1277
01:10:38,600 --> 01:10:42,439
Speaker 1: media friending at all. I for a first date, I

1278
01:10:42,520 --> 01:10:44,880
Speaker 1: always send UM some point in the picture of the

1279
01:10:44,920 --> 01:10:48,559
Speaker 1: guy that I'm with, his name and where we're going.

1280
01:10:49,280 --> 01:10:53,000
Speaker 1: And honestly, and talking to my friends, women do this.

1281
01:10:53,520 --> 01:10:55,680
Speaker 1: I actually asked the men, have you ever done this?

1282
01:10:55,840 --> 01:10:58,280
Speaker 1: And they're like no, not really, Like we'll talk about

1283
01:10:58,320 --> 01:11:00,400
Speaker 1: as a conversation, but not as a thing for safety

1284
01:11:00,760 --> 01:11:03,040
Speaker 1: and for every woman that I've talked to that has

1285
01:11:03,120 --> 01:11:05,400
Speaker 1: been a thing like this is what we do, this

1286
01:11:05,439 --> 01:11:07,360
Speaker 1: is what we learned, This is no we know things

1287
01:11:07,400 --> 01:11:09,920
Speaker 1: have happened. I mean, essentially, that's kind of when it

1288
01:11:09,920 --> 01:11:12,760
Speaker 1: comes out to we don't trust strange men, and that's

1289
01:11:12,800 --> 01:11:14,920
Speaker 1: the way we have to learn to protect ourselves. Don't

1290
01:11:14,960 --> 01:11:17,439
Speaker 1: get me wrong, I've never had any issues where I've

1291
01:11:17,439 --> 01:11:20,439
Speaker 1: almost been kidnapped or anything. So you know, great, My

1292
01:11:20,479 --> 01:11:22,679
Speaker 1: case is, thanks guys. Thank the guys said that guys

1293
01:11:22,720 --> 01:11:27,240
Speaker 1: I went on dates with were not kidnapping me for

1294
01:11:27,360 --> 01:11:30,200
Speaker 1: being a good human. Thank you. Um. But yeah, but

1295
01:11:30,240 --> 01:11:32,640
Speaker 1: it's still that concern because you do hear enough and

1296
01:11:32,680 --> 01:11:35,439
Speaker 1: you do see enough that you're like, I have to

1297
01:11:35,439 --> 01:11:42,920
Speaker 1: put these really serious um requirements on this as well. Yeah. Um.

1298
01:11:43,000 --> 01:11:45,559
Speaker 1: Another thing I love how a lot of the people

1299
01:11:45,600 --> 01:11:48,800
Speaker 1: I spoke with have the like, if they have too

1300
01:11:48,800 --> 01:11:52,400
Speaker 1: many pictures with multiple people, if they have too many selfies,

1301
01:11:53,040 --> 01:11:55,040
Speaker 1: just like these very specific oh I do if you

1302
01:11:55,120 --> 01:11:59,360
Speaker 1: have more than two selfies, if you have a picture

1303
01:11:59,400 --> 01:12:02,479
Speaker 1: of yourself laying in bed okay, which I always found

1304
01:12:02,520 --> 01:12:05,800
Speaker 1: weird unless there's a dog in that picture. If there's

1305
01:12:05,840 --> 01:12:11,519
Speaker 1: an animal, and specifically dogs in these pictures, I'll allow it, okay. Um, now,

1306
01:12:12,040 --> 01:12:15,559
Speaker 1: also pictures in the car, like it's just random pictures

1307
01:12:15,600 --> 01:12:18,640
Speaker 1: of guys that um in the car. See I My

1308
01:12:18,800 --> 01:12:21,000
Speaker 1: theory is they work for uber Lift and they're just

1309
01:12:21,040 --> 01:12:23,639
Speaker 1: reusing a picture they had to take for that. Maybe

1310
01:12:23,720 --> 01:12:26,799
Speaker 1: there's a lot of those. There's a lot of those.

1311
01:12:27,240 --> 01:12:32,439
Speaker 1: And then gym pictures automatically no automatically no why why?

1312
01:12:32,760 --> 01:12:35,360
Speaker 1: And if there's only one picture with no description, Nope,

1313
01:12:36,479 --> 01:12:39,479
Speaker 1: I love it. You cat fishing me. I know it?

1314
01:12:40,000 --> 01:12:44,320
Speaker 1: Another another term, yes, um. So we have a little

1315
01:12:44,320 --> 01:12:47,120
Speaker 1: bit more for you listeners, but first we're gonna pause

1316
01:12:47,160 --> 01:12:48,920
Speaker 1: for one more quick break for a word from our sponsor.

1317
01:12:59,360 --> 01:13:02,960
Speaker 1: We're back, thank sponsor. So we did want to talk

1318
01:13:03,000 --> 01:13:07,240
Speaker 1: before we close out here about Bumble, specifically right Bumble. So,

1319
01:13:07,360 --> 01:13:09,639
Speaker 1: for those of you who may not know the history

1320
01:13:09,680 --> 01:13:12,960
Speaker 1: of Bumble, Whitney Wolf heard, the co founder of Tender

1321
01:13:13,280 --> 01:13:17,519
Speaker 1: founded Bumble shortly after leaving tender. Um Wolf heard sue

1322
01:13:17,600 --> 01:13:21,200
Speaker 1: Tender for sexual discrimination and harassment and settled and was

1323
01:13:21,280 --> 01:13:23,920
Speaker 1: able to get uh, like I said, a settlement due

1324
01:13:23,920 --> 01:13:28,719
Speaker 1: to the harassment that was happening from the other founder

1325
01:13:29,000 --> 01:13:31,680
Speaker 1: of Tender. So it was all this huge mass um.

1326
01:13:31,800 --> 01:13:34,280
Speaker 1: She then was approached by another dating site founder to

1327
01:13:34,439 --> 01:13:37,400
Speaker 1: develop Bumble. So this guy, I think had a successful

1328
01:13:37,520 --> 01:13:42,040
Speaker 1: business that started out in Russia. We're interesting, yeah, for

1329
01:13:42,080 --> 01:13:45,080
Speaker 1: those who are familiar with Bumble. They further expanded their

1330
01:13:45,120 --> 01:13:49,040
Speaker 1: site to include a bff app to find friends, and

1331
01:13:49,040 --> 01:13:51,680
Speaker 1: then the Bumble Biz and the Bumble partnered with the

1332
01:13:51,800 --> 01:13:55,000
Speaker 1: Anti Defamation League in an effort to remove users who

1333
01:13:55,040 --> 01:13:57,360
Speaker 1: display hate symbols in their profiles, which I thought was

1334
01:13:57,400 --> 01:14:01,599
Speaker 1: really cool, and the company launched bul biz, which also

1335
01:14:01,760 --> 01:14:04,840
Speaker 1: uses a woman first interface as an attempt to remove

1336
01:14:04,880 --> 01:14:08,000
Speaker 1: the soliciting nature and sexism that exists in the networking,

1337
01:14:08,240 --> 01:14:10,439
Speaker 1: which I thought was super super cool. And I will

1338
01:14:10,479 --> 01:14:12,880
Speaker 1: say they have had some really good press with handling

1339
01:14:12,920 --> 01:14:15,920
Speaker 1: trolls and jerks online who have harassed women and become

1340
01:14:16,000 --> 01:14:19,519
Speaker 1: overly aggressive. I think it's really fascinating to see that

1341
01:14:19,800 --> 01:14:22,679
Speaker 1: this has become one of the better sites for women.

1342
01:14:22,760 --> 01:14:24,040
Speaker 1: And when you talk to a lot of the women,

1343
01:14:24,280 --> 01:14:27,599
Speaker 1: they find this as a relief so that they don't

1344
01:14:27,640 --> 01:14:30,920
Speaker 1: have to deal with constant, constant like harassment if they

1345
01:14:30,960 --> 01:14:33,200
Speaker 1: don't want to, if it is at least they don't

1346
01:14:33,200 --> 01:14:36,640
Speaker 1: will protect them like. There's different levels of why this

1347
01:14:36,720 --> 01:14:39,240
Speaker 1: is a great site, once again developed by a woman

1348
01:14:39,280 --> 01:14:43,880
Speaker 1: which I love, who went through sexual harassment on her discrimination.

1349
01:14:43,960 --> 01:14:47,679
Speaker 1: So therefore brought that in as a platform to start

1350
01:14:47,720 --> 01:14:51,560
Speaker 1: a site. Um, I think it also it's good to

1351
01:14:51,600 --> 01:14:54,040
Speaker 1: mention that I don't think it allows and it could

1352
01:14:54,080 --> 01:14:56,519
Speaker 1: have changed. I'm gonna to look this back up for

1353
01:14:56,720 --> 01:15:01,040
Speaker 1: gay men to use it, because the whole idea is

1354
01:15:01,080 --> 01:15:05,720
Speaker 1: that women has the ability to approach first and take control. Now,

1355
01:15:05,800 --> 01:15:08,479
Speaker 1: lesbians they can use it. I did discover that, and

1356
01:15:08,479 --> 01:15:11,240
Speaker 1: they can just talk to each other. But in the

1357
01:15:11,320 --> 01:15:15,080
Speaker 1: heterosexual heteronormative idea is the woman they pick and a

1358
01:15:15,120 --> 01:15:18,040
Speaker 1: woman as to contact them. Now they're a little more

1359
01:15:18,040 --> 01:15:21,280
Speaker 1: strict because I'm really going to do this. You only

1360
01:15:21,280 --> 01:15:24,080
Speaker 1: have twenty four hours to talk to somebody, and if

1361
01:15:24,200 --> 01:15:27,880
Speaker 1: after that it's gone, why did you pay? Of course?

1362
01:15:28,400 --> 01:15:30,599
Speaker 1: But there's it's a really interesting concept and the way

1363
01:15:30,640 --> 01:15:34,320
Speaker 1: they're trying to expand it as bigger than just one option.

1364
01:15:34,400 --> 01:15:36,320
Speaker 1: I think it's a fantastic idea and I do love

1365
01:15:36,760 --> 01:15:41,439
Speaker 1: that it has that much control. So correction, producer Andrew

1366
01:15:41,479 --> 01:15:45,320
Speaker 1: just told me that the mail has the option if

1367
01:15:45,320 --> 01:15:48,760
Speaker 1: they four hour goes away, to give another day to

1368
01:15:48,840 --> 01:15:51,519
Speaker 1: the woman in order to try to get her to

1369
01:15:51,600 --> 01:15:55,040
Speaker 1: speak to him for free. Yeah, that's I did not

1370
01:15:55,080 --> 01:15:56,439
Speaker 1: know that either. I guess no one really wanted to

1371
01:15:56,479 --> 01:16:02,600
Speaker 1: talk to me. Oh no, I'm sure that's not it.

1372
01:16:03,240 --> 01:16:11,479
Speaker 1: One other thing that Samantha has been yes, is speed dating. Yes, y'all, y'all.

1373
01:16:11,479 --> 01:16:13,679
Speaker 1: I didn't realize this was a thing. Still, I didn't

1374
01:16:13,720 --> 01:16:16,639
Speaker 1: think it existed. And I'm so fascinated to see what

1375
01:16:16,920 --> 01:16:20,720
Speaker 1: this actually includes, as in fact, my friend dominates it

1376
01:16:20,880 --> 01:16:23,360
Speaker 1: me a link to it, which I have sent to

1377
01:16:24,120 --> 01:16:29,519
Speaker 1: Annie to be like you're ready, you're readic and she's like, no, no,

1378
01:16:31,840 --> 01:16:33,360
Speaker 1: And I love it. I think, what did I say

1379
01:16:33,400 --> 01:16:37,160
Speaker 1: that it has a UK flair? Flair which I don't

1380
01:16:37,160 --> 01:16:39,240
Speaker 1: hear what that was. And all I could think was

1381
01:16:39,680 --> 01:16:41,160
Speaker 1: they're going to curse that you a lot in an

1382
01:16:41,200 --> 01:16:43,519
Speaker 1: accident and offer you fish and chips if there's beer

1383
01:16:43,560 --> 01:16:46,160
Speaker 1: there in d I can't see how that's not a

1384
01:16:46,280 --> 01:16:48,960
Speaker 1: UK thing. So I'm gonna make her do this, and

1385
01:16:49,080 --> 01:16:51,400
Speaker 1: we're going to come back and tell you exactly what happened.

1386
01:16:51,640 --> 01:16:54,519
Speaker 1: I've done it before, I've never done this. This is

1387
01:16:54,520 --> 01:16:57,719
Speaker 1: such a phenomenon. I don't understand it, and I'm excited

1388
01:16:57,880 --> 01:17:00,639
Speaker 1: and nervous all at the same time. That's is like dating.

1389
01:17:00,960 --> 01:17:05,680
Speaker 1: That sounds like dating. We're gonna have fun. So that

1390
01:17:05,800 --> 01:17:09,599
Speaker 1: about banks us to the end of this this episode, Um,

1391
01:17:09,640 --> 01:17:11,559
Speaker 1: I had a tipp in here, but really all it

1392
01:17:11,640 --> 01:17:15,479
Speaker 1: is is communication, which is why, like I always come

1393
01:17:15,479 --> 01:17:18,240
Speaker 1: back to if you're not sure about something, ask It

1394
01:17:18,320 --> 01:17:21,760
Speaker 1: might be awkward, but both parties are probably like relieved

1395
01:17:22,000 --> 01:17:24,479
Speaker 1: to discuss it and you know what, again from the

1396
01:17:24,520 --> 01:17:27,920
Speaker 1: sound bite, you also heard people say just enjoy it

1397
01:17:28,000 --> 01:17:30,679
Speaker 1: and don't take it too seriously. So that's the biggest

1398
01:17:30,720 --> 01:17:33,559
Speaker 1: thing is coming whether or not it was the worst

1399
01:17:33,600 --> 01:17:35,760
Speaker 1: or the best experience, you come out with some good

1400
01:17:35,760 --> 01:17:38,200
Speaker 1: stories and just find the humor and that hopefully not

1401
01:17:38,240 --> 01:17:41,599
Speaker 1: like dangerous stories. Yeah, but I mean, like just like

1402
01:17:42,960 --> 01:17:44,800
Speaker 1: date with a guy that I had who liked to

1403
01:17:44,840 --> 01:17:48,080
Speaker 1: flick his tongue out at me every thirty seconds it

1404
01:17:48,840 --> 01:17:51,439
Speaker 1: but like all those things, you have really good stories,

1405
01:17:52,000 --> 01:17:55,320
Speaker 1: laugh about it and then you move on. Sure, laugh

1406
01:17:55,400 --> 01:17:59,160
Speaker 1: and laugh and laughs and live and tell everyone else

1407
01:17:59,200 --> 01:18:03,320
Speaker 1: about it. Maybe get a podcast and share all the secret.

1408
01:18:05,040 --> 01:18:10,040
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for joining us, Samantha listeners. If

1409
01:18:10,080 --> 01:18:11,360
Speaker 1: you'd like to write to us, if you want to

1410
01:18:11,360 --> 01:18:15,840
Speaker 1: share your dating experience, please do. Our email is a

1411
01:18:15,920 --> 01:18:18,200
Speaker 1: mom stuff at how stuff folks dot com. You can

1412
01:18:18,240 --> 01:18:20,559
Speaker 1: find us on Twitter at mom Stuff podcast and on

1413
01:18:20,640 --> 01:18:23,120
Speaker 1: Instagram at Stuff I've Never Told You. Thanks as always

1414
01:18:23,160 --> 01:18:26,240
Speaker 1: to our producer Andrew Howard. Thank you, Andrew, and thanks

1415
01:18:26,240 --> 01:18:33,519
Speaker 1: to you listen Kay