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Speaker 1: It's wedding season once again. This time last year we

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Speaker 1: discussed what's expected of us as wedding guests, But how

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Speaker 1: do those expectations change when we graduate from just a

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Speaker 1: guest to a member of the wedding party. The role

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Speaker 1: of attendant in a wedding has evolved a lot over

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Speaker 1: the years. Jendall, author of the book Save the Date

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Speaker 1: The Occasional Mortifications of a Serial Wedding Guest, has written

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Speaker 1: about the origins and many previous iterations of the wedding

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Speaker 1: party for mental floss, and she says in ancient Rome,

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Speaker 1: it was required to have a wedding party of at

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Speaker 1: least ten people, five on each side, and to dress

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Speaker 1: them identically to the bride and groom, in order to

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Speaker 1: confuse malevolent spirits, enemies, or disapproving gods who wished to

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Speaker 1: cause the couple harm and on the darker side of things.

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Speaker 1: Dole also writes that the role of the best man

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Speaker 1: likely evolved from sixteenth century to Manic Gothic practices where

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Speaker 1: the bride was often kidnapped from her family in a

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Speaker 1: neighboring community, so the best man was often the best

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Speaker 1: swordsman for the job of stealing the bride and fending

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Speaker 1: off her protective family and friends. Other histories of bridesmaids

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Speaker 1: point to the biblical wedding of Leah and Rachel to

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Speaker 1: Jacob as the origins of bridesmaids, as each brought their

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Speaker 1: own quote unquote made with them. Today, the role of

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Speaker 1: wedding attendant is more symbolic. Being a part of a

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Speaker 1: wedding party is a way for the couple getting married

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Speaker 1: to publicly announce their close connections with the people standing

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Speaker 1: beside them. When a bride or groom asks you to

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Speaker 1: be in their wedding, they're telling you your friendship has

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Speaker 1: staying power and longevity. These important friendships are also not

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Speaker 1: gender exclusive, which is why attendants are no longer gender specific.

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Speaker 1: It's become commonplace to have co ed teams standing on

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Speaker 1: both sides of the couple. With all of the newer

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Speaker 1: wedding party practices and rituals, what are the modern day

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Speaker 1: responsibilities of the attendance and more importantly, what should we

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Speaker 1: expect to budget for if we're going to take the

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Speaker 1: public role of top friend. Start taking notes because this

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Speaker 1: is stuff. Welcome friends, one and all to grown up

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Speaker 1: stuff How to Adult. The podcast where we figure out

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Speaker 1: whether or not we're expected to make a speech at

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Speaker 1: our cousin's wedding, and many other adult life lessons. As always,

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Speaker 1: I am joined by everyone's best man, a true man

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Speaker 1: of honor. Matthew stillow, you were actually the best man

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Speaker 1: in your brother's nuptials. Is that the first time you've

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Speaker 1: been a part of a wedding party? And what was

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Speaker 1: your understanding of that role going into it?

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Speaker 2: Well, thankfully, I'd had the chance to do it once

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Speaker 2: before with one of my closest friends, so I had

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Speaker 2: a sort of like blueprint for how it would go.

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Speaker 2: But it was a little bit more intense for my

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Speaker 2: brother because we're twins. He was marrying his high school sweetheart,

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Speaker 2: who was also one of my closest friends. Yeah, so

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Speaker 2: I wanted to be sure to honor that both. But

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Speaker 2: you know, you see movies like The Hangover Part one,

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Speaker 2: two and three years Friend's wedding, my best friend's wedding,

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Speaker 2: and you have like this, you know, inflated idea of

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Speaker 2: what is expected if you got throw the bachelor party

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Speaker 2: and you gotta go to Vegas, and it's got to

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Speaker 2: be crazy. So I was really just thinking about the

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Speaker 2: speech and the party. But it turns out there are

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Speaker 2: a lot of things to consider before asking whoever you

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Speaker 2: want to ask and accepting if you are asked. But

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Speaker 2: I'm curious to hear about you. You know, we talked

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Speaker 2: about you may have been in some wedding parties, you

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Speaker 2: may not have vised, like, what is the story there.

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Speaker 1: I've only officially been in two wedding parties where I've

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Speaker 1: been a bridesmaid, one of which the intent was to

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Speaker 1: make me the maid of honor. But the problem was

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Speaker 1: is that I was underage, and because I think there

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Speaker 1: was like this expectation that like the maid of honor

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Speaker 1: would throw the bachelorette. So it's like, a, I wouldn't

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Speaker 1: really be able to go to the bachelorette. I was

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Speaker 1: also still in school, so I was just like broke

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Speaker 1: as hell, so I like wouldn't be able to like

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Speaker 1: plan anything. But if the wedding party is a major

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Speaker 1: supporting role, then I guess I was minor supporting role.

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Speaker 1: And other weddings, but those are also weddings where I

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Speaker 1: was kind of a little I gotta be honest, I

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Speaker 1: was a little heartbroken and very disappointed I wasn't asked

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Speaker 1: to be in the actual wedding.

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Speaker 2: Party more of real life adult dramas. Yeah, he's not

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Speaker 2: going to be involved in the wedding party.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, but I think that there's always just so much

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Speaker 1: confusion about like, what yeah, actually expected of you.

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Speaker 2: Well, today we will hopefully get a lot of clarity

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Speaker 2: about what it means to be in a wedding party,

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Speaker 2: because our resident Queen of Etiquette, Lizzie Post, returns to

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Speaker 2: set the record straight on what you need to show

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Speaker 2: up to and pay for as a member of a

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Speaker 2: groom or bridle party.

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Speaker 1: Yes, I love Lizzie and I am so excited to

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Speaker 1: have her back on the podcast. She is an author

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Speaker 1: and an etiquette expert who has written about everything from

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Speaker 1: brushing your teeth in the office to hosting the perfect

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Speaker 1: cannabis dinner party Delightful.

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Speaker 2: Lizzie is the great great granddaughter of Emily Post, the

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Speaker 2: woman who literally wrote the book on etiquette, and Lizzie

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Speaker 2: wrote the updated version of her great great grandmother's work

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Speaker 2: in Emily Posts Etiquette, the Centennial Edition. Plus. She is

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Speaker 2: the co president of the Emily Post Institute and the

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Speaker 2: co host of the podcast Awesome Etiquette.

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Speaker 1: Lizzie also wrote Emily Post's Wedding Etiquette sixth edition and

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Speaker 1: joined us last season to help us explain proper etiquette

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Speaker 1: as a wedding guest and shared some valuable gems with us,

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Speaker 1: like don't wear all white unless it's requested by the couple.

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Speaker 1: And if your invitation envelope doesn't say and guests, you

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Speaker 1: do not get a plus one. Lizzie, thank you so

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Speaker 1: much once again for joining us on grown up stuff.

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Speaker 1: How do adults? This time we're talking about wedding parties,

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Speaker 1: and we want to kick it off by asking you

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Speaker 1: what is the modern day purpose of a wedding party?

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Speaker 1: Like why why?

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Speaker 3: It's a great question, and I have to say, when

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Speaker 3: I fantasize about my own wedding, I dream of no

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Speaker 3: wedding party.

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Speaker 1: Interesting, controversial opinion, same same.

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Speaker 3: One of my dear friends, Emily, was one of my

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Speaker 3: first friends to get married. I was blown away when

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Speaker 3: I attended her wedding and there was no bridal party.

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Speaker 3: I'd never seen that before, and I thought it looked amazing.

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Speaker 3: I thought it made it so special. But that was

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Speaker 3: my opinion. There are other folks when they get married

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Speaker 3: where they want their nearest and dearest standing right by

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Speaker 3: their side for that sentiment of support. It's really your

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Speaker 3: wedding and it's up to you whether you choose to

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Speaker 3: participate in this tradition and how you participate in it.

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Speaker 3: And I wanted to start out saying that because one

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Speaker 3: of the things couples really have to consider when it

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Speaker 3: comes to the bridal party nowadays is the potential burden

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Speaker 3: that it can place on them. This is not an

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Speaker 3: inexpensive thing. This is not something that only takes a

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Speaker 3: single weekend to accomplish. The support of and the participation in.

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Speaker 3: It's a lot. And I think as a couple, getting

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Speaker 3: really really crystal clear on if you choose to have

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Speaker 3: attendance what you are expecting of them in terms of

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Speaker 3: participation is gonna make it so easy to ask them

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Speaker 3: in a way that gives them the whole lay of

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Speaker 3: the land and they can say yes or no as

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Speaker 3: to whether they can participate. And like that is my biggest,

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Speaker 3: biggest piece of advice to anyone around a wedding is

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Speaker 3: really think about what you're asking someone to do and

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Speaker 3: participate in, not the honor of it. The honor is

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Speaker 3: so there, and you want that sentiment to be there.

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Speaker 3: Do you have to be realistic about just how big

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Speaker 3: this ask is and just so you know, friends, you

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Speaker 3: get to say, I totally understand that's your wish, but no,

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Speaker 3: you know what I mean, like I can't participate.

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Speaker 2: It well, also important as the person asking to consider

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Speaker 2: where your friend is at in their life for real.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I could literally talk about that for the next hour.

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Speaker 3: We're like and horror stories of where it's gone wrong

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Speaker 3: and people trying to be polite but instead not expressing

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Speaker 3: what they really want and then holding it against people later.

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Speaker 3: I mean, it's it is a mess when it comes

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Speaker 3: to bridal parties sometimes, but it's this beautiful, supportive, fun

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Speaker 3: thing that I think a lot of people bond over

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Speaker 3: and I want that to be like the shining element

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Speaker 3: that comes through if you want to have a bridal party.

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Speaker 1: In twenty eighteen, the average number of attendants on either

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Speaker 1: side was five, and that was up from the average

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Speaker 1: of four in two thousand and seven, and that's according

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Speaker 1: to the NOT Worldwide. Many wedding planners expect to see

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Speaker 1: that number rise. However, in other Western countries like Italy

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Speaker 1: or Germany, the couple getting married are expected to pay

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Speaker 1: for the attire for the bridal party, so the sizes

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Speaker 1: are often limited to one procid Over there, you talked

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Speaker 1: a bit about who you need to think about when

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Speaker 1: you're actually putting together that wedding party. Are there people

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Speaker 1: who you really should be including in that wedding party?

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Speaker 1: Do you feel like there's an obligation to include, like,

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Speaker 1: for example, future partner siblings.

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Speaker 3: First of all, it's your wedding, and if you have

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Speaker 3: a really horrendous relationship with that person, etiquette is not

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Speaker 3: going to twist your arm and say that you must

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Speaker 3: or you can't walk down that aisle missy. That's just

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Speaker 3: not how it operates. If you have a bad relationship

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Speaker 3: with someone, you do not have to extend this honor

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Speaker 3: to them. We think that, especially when it comes to

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Speaker 3: siblings of your partner, that extending those olive branches and saying,

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Speaker 3: you know, would you like to be one of my

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Speaker 3: attendants is really thoughtful. But nowadays a lot of folks

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Speaker 3: will just ask the people they care the most about

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Speaker 3: to stand with them. So the gender doesn't matter, that

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Speaker 3: age doesn't matter. I think what you I want to

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Speaker 3: really look for people who are capable of doing it.

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Speaker 3: Sometimes folks worry, oh, we can't ask Beth, she's pregnant.

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Speaker 3: You can definitely ask Beth like it is fine for

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Speaker 3: Beth to be pregnant up there.

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Speaker 1: So you said there's no expectation for age, Like there's

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Speaker 1: no such thing as a minimum age required for like

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Speaker 1: bride's person or groom's person. Is there's no like age

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Speaker 1: limit for like a flower person or a ring bearer?

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Speaker 2: Can I be a thirty four year old flower boy?

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Speaker 2: That's what I want to know.

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Speaker 3: Yes, you cannot. You just have to find the right

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Speaker 3: couple who wants you to play that role.

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Speaker 1: I got a role for you.

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Speaker 3: So it's I will say, typically we choose our peers.

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Speaker 3: Typically you're choosing folks that are kind of like your

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Speaker 3: best friends and your your siblings. But you know, all

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Speaker 3: kinds of different families and relationships form in life. And

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Speaker 3: if your mother is your best friend, who the heck

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Speaker 3: is Emily Post to say? You can't have your mother

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Speaker 3: stand next to you? You know what I mean?

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Speaker 1: Yeah?

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Speaker 3: And I see those couples who do they get married

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Speaker 3: and their children that they've had prior to this marriage

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Speaker 3: are the attendants for that wedding, and it's a beautiful,

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Speaker 3: really all inclusive family event. Some of those kids are

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Speaker 3: three You know, it's like, I really don't think that

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Speaker 3: there is an age limit. I think it's more the

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Speaker 3: connection to the person and the purpose in asking them

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Speaker 3: that really matters. That's the honor of the tradition.

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Speaker 2: Well, let's stick to breaking down a little bit more so.

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Speaker 2: Obviously we've got the best man, we've got the maid

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Speaker 2: of honor. But who else is technically a part of

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Speaker 2: the official wedding party? Because there is a person who

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Speaker 2: may not be on this podcast with us right now,

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Speaker 2: who feels that because she was a bouncer at a

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Speaker 2: wedding or two, that she was a part of the

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Speaker 2: wedding party.

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Speaker 1: I think I was Could this person be wrong? You

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Speaker 1: were a bouncer, Yeah, I have to hand out programs

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Speaker 1: and keep people out of the venue while they were

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Speaker 1: taking photos of just the bride and the group.

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Speaker 3: Oh so I would say you were a part of

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Speaker 3: the crew. I really do think that anyone who is

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Speaker 3: someone who has to be given instructions on how to

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Speaker 3: help other guests, I think that's someone who's a part

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Speaker 3: of the crew.

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Speaker 1: You know what I mean.

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Speaker 3: You're a part of all of the supporting roles. Okay, okay,

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Speaker 3: the parents of the couple are not in the wedding party.

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Speaker 3: They're not a part of Valley. No, at least I

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Speaker 3: don't think of them as that. I think of them

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Speaker 3: as the family. It's like a different subset in my

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Speaker 3: own head. There are pictures with the parents and the

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Speaker 3: wedding party. But when we at least at Emily Post,

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Speaker 3: when we talk about that wedding party, we're talking about

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Speaker 3: the attendants and when we say things like bridal attendance

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Speaker 3: or groomsman, that's that collective group that stands up next

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Speaker 3: to the couple when they get married.

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Speaker 1: Now, what about officiants. We see a lot of weddings

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Speaker 1: today where it's not a religious person who's necessary officiating

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Speaker 1: over a wedding. It's a best friend, it's a family member.

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Speaker 1: Are officiants now considered part of that wedding party? I

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Speaker 1: mean they're standing up there next to them, same thing

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Speaker 1: as you, same thing as the parents. They're a supporting role,

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Speaker 1: they're a part of it. They're not actually the thing

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Speaker 1: that we call the wedding party, the bridal party. That's

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Speaker 1: just that group.

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Speaker 3: But it's funny, honestly, you could divide it any way

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Speaker 3: you want, Like some people have their mom as their

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Speaker 3: matron of honor, you know what I mean, And so

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Speaker 3: you get crossover anywhere you go. But the officiant, I

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Speaker 3: would say, isn't in that wedding party group. And I

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Speaker 3: also want to stress that if if you aren't chosen

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Speaker 3: for this or something like, it doesn't mean that you

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Speaker 3: are so much less than or something like that. Like

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Speaker 3: I think there are a lot of friends that get

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Speaker 3: worried that if they aren't chosen for that attendant role,

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Speaker 3: that doing something like a reading or taking care of

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Speaker 3: a guestbook isn't isn't as appreciated. And every role that

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Speaker 3: you could play in a wedding like is going to

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Speaker 3: be appreciated by the couple.

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Speaker 2: You're right. It's like if someone's asking you to be

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Speaker 2: even to be an usher or a bouncer, like I

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Speaker 2: really matter, that's a beautiful thing to ask. They just

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Speaker 2: want to include you in the day. You know, that's

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Speaker 2: really wonderful.

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Speaker 3: And frankly, we trust you. That's another really big thing.

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Speaker 3: You can't trust everyone with the microphone you're reading, It's true.

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Speaker 1: Okay, So let's talk about like, once we're invited to

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Speaker 1: be a part of a wedding party, what is expected

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Speaker 1: of you as a member of this wedding party and

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Speaker 1: what events are you expected to plan, throw, or pay for.

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Speaker 3: So based on the different roles in terms of like

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Speaker 3: a maid of honor and a best man, and this

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Speaker 3: could be an honor attendant too, So doesn't matter the

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Speaker 3: gender of the person. But it really is up to

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Speaker 3: you how you structure that maid or matron of honor role,

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Speaker 3: whether they're really a leader or whether it's just kind

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Speaker 3: of the name you assign that particular attendant, because there's

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Speaker 3: usually one person who ha that name, but really everybody's helping,

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Speaker 3: or your sister is helping because your maid of honor,

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Speaker 3: you know, lives five thousand miles away and there's no

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Speaker 3: way for her to help until she actually gets there

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Speaker 3: for the ceremony. You know, there's a lot of different

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Speaker 3: ways that the actual roles and obligations between a maid

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Speaker 3: of honor versus a bridesmaid would be. First of all,

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Speaker 3: you're not obligated to actually host any parties for the couple.

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Speaker 3: That's a big misconceptionally. Yeah, you're also not obligated to

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Speaker 3: attend all of the parties for the couple. And so

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Speaker 3: what you can get to and what you're capable of

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Speaker 3: offering to do.

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Speaker 1: This is blowing my mind, truly, Like you just dropped

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Speaker 1: the mic.

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Speaker 2: I have always felt obligated, Dame.

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Speaker 3: I know it's like you. I didn't have to do that.

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Speaker 3: Oh my gosh. Yeah, it's really true. It's great if

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Speaker 3: you can, and I think for the most part, most

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Speaker 3: friend groups who are in this supportive position want to

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Speaker 3: try to. But the reality is we hang on to

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Speaker 3: tighter relationships at greater distances I think than we did,

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Speaker 3: you know, one hundred years ago, even fifty years ago.

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Speaker 3: And I think that's resulted in a lot of people

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Speaker 3: feeling like, yes, I want to play that role, and

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Speaker 3: I will be there the wedding week, but I actually,

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Speaker 3: like literally cannot take the time off from work to

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Speaker 3: do it. I can't afford the plane tickets to go

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Speaker 3: to five parties prior to your wedding, plus your wedding,

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Speaker 3: I can't afford the gifts for the parties of those

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Speaker 3: parties that require gifts, of which the shower is the

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Speaker 3: only one that actually requires a gift.

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Speaker 1: Just as important to note important to note that that

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Speaker 1: bachelor bachelorette party does not need to get a gift.

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Speaker 3: Optional, engagement party optional, and all the parties are optional too.

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Speaker 3: There are plenty of couples who do not have any

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Speaker 3: pre wedding parties, But in terms of obligations, this group

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Speaker 3: is not obligated to actually host or attend these things

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Speaker 3: besides the wedding, besides going to the web itself and

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Speaker 3: the rehearsal dinner.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, And I think it's important to say, like for

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Speaker 2: the people who feel like, oh, why why is it

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Speaker 2: so important that I that, Like, why am I required

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Speaker 2: to go to the rehearsal dinner? Well, you know, a wedding,

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Speaker 2: much like a theatrical production, is a staged you know,

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Speaker 2: presentation of a ceremony, and so you need to know

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Speaker 2: where you're going to stand, who you're going to walk

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Speaker 2: in with, when you're going to walk in, and so

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Speaker 2: you really do need to show up to the rehearsal

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Speaker 2: so you know the order of events in the wedding,

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Speaker 2: Like are you speaking if you're a best man or

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Speaker 2: a best person? Like are you handling the rings when

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Speaker 2: you get the rings? Where are you holding onto the rings?

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Speaker 2: Like all these little logistical pieces of the pageantry of

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Speaker 2: the day, like are so so important for you to know,

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Speaker 2: And that's why you need to go to the rehearsal dinner.

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Speaker 3: You need to be there, you need to be showing

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Speaker 3: up for it, and you're right, we all are not

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Speaker 3: event planners. Most people realize that even though they've seen

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Speaker 3: weddings a million times on television, one live in action

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Speaker 3: where you play a part is different that having the

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Speaker 3: familiarity of going through it. Practicing it once or twice

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Speaker 3: is actually really really helpful. You're there to play that

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Speaker 3: support role of helping the bride or groom or the

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Speaker 3: person getting married with any small task the day of,

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Speaker 3: So while you are also getting you ready, you also

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Speaker 3: have a job of calming the nerves of, and being

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Speaker 3: supportive of, and doing little run around tasks for the

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Speaker 3: actual person you are supporting. So for specific attendant responsibilities,

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Speaker 3: the maid or matron of honor helps the bride select

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Speaker 3: the bridesmaid's attire. Is available to be the bride's right hand,

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Speaker 3: helping with communication with other attendants and with wedding professionals

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Speaker 3: if requested, helps address invitations and place cards, coordinates a

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Speaker 3: shower or bachelorette party if the bride'smaids decide to host one.

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Speaker 3: Organizes the bride'smaid's gift to the bride if one is given,

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Speaker 3: and optionally the bride'smaid's luncheon or bachelorette party if there

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Speaker 3: is one, holds the groom's wedding ring and the bride's

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Speaker 3: bouquet during the ceremony, witnesses the signing of the marriage certificate,

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Speaker 3: helps the bride during the reception, gather the guests for

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Speaker 3: the cake cutting dancing. The bouquet toss so kind of

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Speaker 3: like an assistant like ridal coordinator, and helps the bride

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Speaker 3: change into her going away clothes. Takes care of the

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Speaker 3: bride's wedding dress and accessories. After the reception. The bride'smaids

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Speaker 3: attend the rehearsal, the rehearsal dinner, and the bride'smaid's luncheon

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Speaker 3: if there is one. They attend other pre wedding parties

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Speaker 3: when possible, assists the bride at the reception as requested,

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Speaker 3: participates in activities such as the receiving line and the

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Speaker 3: bouquet toss. Gives an individual gift to the couple, or

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Speaker 3: contributes to a group gift from the bridesmaids or the

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Speaker 3: attendants all right. The best man organizes the bachelor party

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Speaker 3: for the groom, if there is one, coordinates the groomsman's

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Speaker 3: gift to the groom if one is given, or gives

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Speaker 3: an individual gift to the couple. Makes sure that the

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Speaker 3: groom's wedding related payments are prepared, so that's like anything

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Speaker 3: he has to give in terms of tips or things

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Speaker 3: like that, and delivers them too the officians, the musicians,

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Speaker 3: and the singers after the ceremony, since that's what the

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Speaker 3: groom's in charge of.

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Speaker 2: Ah. I have never known that, but that could be

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Speaker 2: super helpful.

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Speaker 3: Right right, You know, someone's dad usually probably does that.

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Speaker 3: Sees the groomsmen and ushers are properly groomed and attired

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Speaker 3: and arrive on time, so as like the lead groomsman

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Speaker 3: basically instructs the ushers in the correct seating of the guests.

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Speaker 3: If there is no head usher keeps the bride's wedding

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Speaker 3: ring and hands it to the groom during the ceremony,

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Speaker 3: witnesses the signing of the marriage certificate. Drives the bride

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Speaker 3: and groom to the reception. If there's no hired driver,

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Speaker 3: has a car ready for the couple to leave after

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Speaker 3: the reception, and may drive them to their next destination

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Speaker 3: like airport, hotel, whatever offers the first toast to the

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Speaker 3: bride and groom at the reception, gathers and takes care

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Speaker 3: of the groom's wedding clothes, returns rental items. On the

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Speaker 3: next business day, the groomsmen and ushers attend the rehearsal

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Speaker 3: rehearsal dinner and bachelor party if there is one. Give

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Speaker 3: an additional gift to the couple, or contribute to a

398
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Speaker 3: group gift from the groomsmen and ushers, or attendance if

399
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Speaker 3: there is one. Know the seating order and review special

400
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Speaker 3: seating arrangements prior to the ceremony, Greet the guests and

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Speaker 3: escort them to their seats. That's the usher part of

402
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Speaker 3: the job. Hand each guest a program if programs are provided.

403
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Speaker 3: Tidy up after the ceremony, removing pew ribbons, closing windows,

404
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Speaker 3: and retrieving any programs or articles left behind. Help guests

405
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Speaker 3: who need directions to the reception site. Coordinate the return

406
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Speaker 3: of rental clothing with the best man. You are obligated

407
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Speaker 3: to get your clothing if it's not being provided for

408
00:21:49,880 --> 00:21:54,080
Speaker 3: you for this event. It's dictated by the couple, but

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Speaker 3: you have to then actually go get what they have suggested.

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Speaker 3: The more you can give direction I think the better

411
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Speaker 3: if you're gonna go hyper specific. I think it's nice

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Speaker 3: to pay for it personally for all the attendants. I

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Speaker 3: understand that is not a possibility for everyone. But the

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Speaker 3: more directive you get about it, I think the more

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Speaker 3: you have to recognize people might have to back out

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Speaker 3: and say I can't afford this. I need to be

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Speaker 3: honest and realistic about that. This is out of my budget.

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Speaker 2: And speaking of budget and paying for stuff, you know,

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Speaker 2: what are all of the things that we should be

420
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Speaker 2: thinking about budgeting for if we are in the wedding

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Speaker 2: party itself exactly?

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Speaker 3: So we just talked about the clothing unless offered, you're

423
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Speaker 3: on the hook for your clothing, your hair, your makeup,

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Speaker 3: your nails, any version of getting you presentable for this event.

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Speaker 3: It's on you. In terms of travel, you are usually

426
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Speaker 3: responsible for getting yourself to the wedding location, and the

427
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Speaker 3: couple traditionally pays for your accommodations, so whether that's at

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Speaker 3: the hotel, at the resort.

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Speaker 2: I've got some friends to call up, I know, Matt,

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Speaker 2: they never.

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Speaker 3: Do, they never have have they I know? But I

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Speaker 3: think that it's really really great when you can take

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Speaker 3: care of those accommodations. I understand not everybody can, but

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00:23:16,440 --> 00:23:19,040
Speaker 3: it really is one of those traditions that is a

435
00:23:19,080 --> 00:23:22,240
Speaker 3: part of the balance of the budget of the bridal party.

436
00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:25,720
Speaker 3: It doesn't have to be a hotel. I've been a

437
00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:28,399
Speaker 3: part of a number of bridal parties and we've certainly

438
00:23:28,440 --> 00:23:32,280
Speaker 3: recommended it for years where reaching out to local friends

439
00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:34,960
Speaker 3: and family who can house a member or two of

440
00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:37,840
Speaker 3: the bridal party, or if someone's going to be away

441
00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:40,359
Speaker 3: and their house is available for four or five people

442
00:23:40,359 --> 00:23:42,800
Speaker 3: to go stay at that kind of a thing can

443
00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:45,920
Speaker 3: also be an option. And I will also just say

444
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:50,080
Speaker 3: extra bonus points when you can arrange some of that

445
00:23:50,520 --> 00:23:54,119
Speaker 3: for close friends and family who are traveling for a wedding.

446
00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:58,640
Speaker 3: People get really impressed by that, like telling someone, Hey,

447
00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:01,160
Speaker 3: if you want it, here at a guest room for

448
00:24:01,200 --> 00:24:03,399
Speaker 3: you at my friend's house like they would love to

449
00:24:03,440 --> 00:24:07,160
Speaker 3: host you. It ends up really bringing people together and

450
00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:09,720
Speaker 3: saving people a lot of money. But anyway, that's a

451
00:24:09,760 --> 00:24:12,240
Speaker 3: whole other episode. Yeah.

452
00:24:12,280 --> 00:24:14,560
Speaker 1: I love that though, but you're talking we're talking about

453
00:24:14,600 --> 00:24:17,159
Speaker 1: budgets here. So with all of that in mind, then

454
00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:19,439
Speaker 1: am I still expected as a wedding party member to

455
00:24:19,480 --> 00:24:22,480
Speaker 1: get them a wedding present off the registry or whatever.

456
00:24:22,800 --> 00:24:27,200
Speaker 3: Yep, oh, I know it's just a racket. It is,

457
00:24:27,359 --> 00:24:29,560
Speaker 3: But I want to remind people of two things when

458
00:24:29,560 --> 00:24:33,040
Speaker 3: it comes to the gift. One, any couple doesn't have to,

459
00:24:33,320 --> 00:24:37,120
Speaker 3: but any couple who wishes to could certainly tell their

460
00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:39,879
Speaker 3: attendance and the people who have helped throw parties and

461
00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:43,560
Speaker 3: things like that for them. Listen, your presence is really

462
00:24:43,600 --> 00:24:46,120
Speaker 3: your present to us. I know that a wedding invitation

463
00:24:46,240 --> 00:24:49,240
Speaker 3: creates the obligation of a gift, and I really want

464
00:24:49,280 --> 00:24:52,439
Speaker 3: to just say no, Like, don't worry about that. You

465
00:24:52,520 --> 00:24:55,480
Speaker 3: have done so much for us. We really view that

466
00:24:55,600 --> 00:24:58,399
Speaker 3: as a gift in and of itself, and that I

467
00:24:58,480 --> 00:25:01,520
Speaker 3: think can be a really nice way to alleviate some

468
00:25:01,640 --> 00:25:05,120
Speaker 3: of that burden. And frankly, some of your friends are

469
00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:07,119
Speaker 3: going to be the kind of people who choose to

470
00:25:07,119 --> 00:25:09,280
Speaker 3: get you a gift anyway, even if you did alleviate

471
00:25:09,359 --> 00:25:12,359
Speaker 3: that burden. Often the group will go in on a

472
00:25:12,359 --> 00:25:14,800
Speaker 3: group gift together, or like you said, you could pick

473
00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:17,880
Speaker 3: something off the registry. I would wait a little bit

474
00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:20,760
Speaker 3: to find out if anyone is suggesting a group gift

475
00:25:20,800 --> 00:25:23,480
Speaker 3: before just grabbing something off the registry. But there's nothing

476
00:25:23,520 --> 00:25:24,760
Speaker 3: that prevents you from doing that.

477
00:25:25,359 --> 00:25:28,000
Speaker 1: Okay, So from the perspective of the couple getting married,

478
00:25:28,520 --> 00:25:31,840
Speaker 1: what gifts are they expected to bestow upon their wedding

479
00:25:31,880 --> 00:25:34,160
Speaker 1: party and when at which events?

480
00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:39,840
Speaker 3: So typically there's like a bridesmaid's luncheon, and that would

481
00:25:39,880 --> 00:25:43,360
Speaker 3: be a time for a bride to give gifts and

482
00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:47,320
Speaker 3: the groomsman it's more of that time right before the

483
00:25:47,359 --> 00:25:50,439
Speaker 3: wedding where they're getting ready together. They don't have a

484
00:25:50,480 --> 00:25:54,320
Speaker 3: definitive party other than the bachelor party, and it's often

485
00:25:54,520 --> 00:25:58,480
Speaker 3: something that they might be able to wear. So whether

486
00:25:58,520 --> 00:26:01,760
Speaker 3: it's a nice tie or a belt or something like that.

487
00:26:02,400 --> 00:26:06,320
Speaker 3: For the bridesmaids, it's often again something they might all wear,

488
00:26:06,480 --> 00:26:09,199
Speaker 3: Like my sister got us all a little necklace with

489
00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:11,600
Speaker 3: a little pendant on it that would go nicely with

490
00:26:11,640 --> 00:26:14,960
Speaker 3: our dresses, and a shawl or you know. I had

491
00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:18,159
Speaker 3: another friend who did little small clutch purses and she

492
00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:21,920
Speaker 3: filled them with some little trinkity things. So it's really

493
00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:25,320
Speaker 3: up to you. But typically the luncheon, either the week

494
00:26:25,359 --> 00:26:28,560
Speaker 3: of or the day before the wedding, is a time

495
00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:31,760
Speaker 3: where the bride throws a luncheon for her bridesmaids to

496
00:26:31,800 --> 00:26:33,080
Speaker 3: thank them for all they've done.

497
00:26:33,840 --> 00:26:37,520
Speaker 2: Yeah, my best friend got us all tie clips that

498
00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:40,080
Speaker 2: had our role on it, which was like we all,

499
00:26:40,520 --> 00:26:42,520
Speaker 2: I know, I love a tie clip, so classy and

500
00:26:42,600 --> 00:26:44,680
Speaker 2: it was just like really really special, like it had

501
00:26:44,680 --> 00:26:47,160
Speaker 2: the date on it and I think our names on it.

502
00:26:47,400 --> 00:26:49,879
Speaker 3: Gentlemen, take note, that is a very great gift.

503
00:26:52,800 --> 00:26:55,600
Speaker 2: Coming up on grown up stuff, How do adult talk

504
00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:56,119
Speaker 2: to me about?

505
00:26:56,160 --> 00:26:56,680
Speaker 1: Speeches?

506
00:26:57,320 --> 00:27:02,200
Speaker 3: So wedding dependent. Some people do not deserve microphones, So

507
00:27:02,840 --> 00:27:05,800
Speaker 3: fusible person, have a no mic list? Give it to

508
00:27:05,880 --> 00:27:08,840
Speaker 3: your DJ, you'r mc whoever it is. No, Oh, no

509
00:27:08,960 --> 00:27:09,680
Speaker 3: mic list is.

510
00:27:09,640 --> 00:27:13,200
Speaker 2: So a thing. We'll be right back after a quick break.

511
00:27:18,119 --> 00:27:21,320
Speaker 1: And we're back with more growd up stuff. How to adults.

512
00:27:24,520 --> 00:27:27,359
Speaker 2: So, as a wedding party member, I'm curious to hear

513
00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:31,880
Speaker 2: what your best advice would be for managing I don't

514
00:27:31,880 --> 00:27:34,199
Speaker 2: want to say difficult, you know, bride or groom, but

515
00:27:34,280 --> 00:27:36,840
Speaker 2: like you know, maybe they're overwhelmed by the day right

516
00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:38,600
Speaker 2: and they need a little bit of extra help. What's

517
00:27:38,640 --> 00:27:40,600
Speaker 2: your best advice for managing those people on that day?

518
00:27:41,280 --> 00:27:44,359
Speaker 3: I think moving to those good What is it like

519
00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:50,480
Speaker 3: armchair therapist, like you know, like kitchen therapist moments? What

520
00:27:50,600 --> 00:27:53,320
Speaker 3: do you need What can I do for you right now?

521
00:27:53,440 --> 00:27:56,520
Speaker 3: Like reassurance, There are a lot of things that you

522
00:27:56,600 --> 00:28:00,119
Speaker 3: can't do anything about if it is pouring rain and

523
00:28:00,160 --> 00:28:02,280
Speaker 3: you have an outdoor wedding. I mean, I'm hoping you've

524
00:28:02,280 --> 00:28:05,800
Speaker 3: set a contingency plan, but honestly, the only thing you

525
00:28:05,840 --> 00:28:08,760
Speaker 3: can do in that moment is to validate someone's disappointment

526
00:28:08,800 --> 00:28:12,280
Speaker 3: and let them know that this is not ideal, but

527
00:28:12,320 --> 00:28:13,800
Speaker 3: it doesn't have to ruin the day.

528
00:28:14,400 --> 00:28:17,199
Speaker 2: I also feel like there's plenty of logistical stuff, Like

529
00:28:17,480 --> 00:28:20,080
Speaker 2: I remember when my brother was getting married, my dad's

530
00:28:20,119 --> 00:28:22,960
Speaker 2: the clasp on his pants broke and his pants were

531
00:28:23,000 --> 00:28:26,800
Speaker 2: literally falling down around his ankles, and we figure out

532
00:28:26,840 --> 00:28:29,879
Speaker 2: how to fix the clasp on his pants. So, like

533
00:28:30,320 --> 00:28:31,760
Speaker 2: I mean, stuff like that is going to come up

534
00:28:31,760 --> 00:28:33,800
Speaker 2: on the day of the wedding, and so it is.

535
00:28:34,440 --> 00:28:36,520
Speaker 2: Sometimes you're just there to like fill in the gaps.

536
00:28:36,600 --> 00:28:37,800
Speaker 2: You know you are.

537
00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:40,680
Speaker 3: You might be there to run to the nearest Walgreens

538
00:28:40,720 --> 00:28:43,000
Speaker 3: to grab a sewing kicks, you know.

539
00:28:43,040 --> 00:28:44,160
Speaker 2: What I mean? Yeah, exactly.

540
00:28:44,760 --> 00:28:48,240
Speaker 3: And in many ways, as you know, attendant, that is

541
00:28:48,320 --> 00:28:50,800
Speaker 3: your job. You were that person so that the bride

542
00:28:50,880 --> 00:28:53,880
Speaker 3: or the groom or the father, the bride doesn't have

543
00:28:54,000 --> 00:28:56,280
Speaker 3: to be the person to go do it, and so

544
00:28:56,560 --> 00:29:00,680
Speaker 3: I think preparing yourself to play a support role, preparing

545
00:29:00,720 --> 00:29:04,320
Speaker 3: yourself to be a helper, I think is a really

546
00:29:04,320 --> 00:29:11,880
Speaker 3: good mental space to get yourself into whomever and the

547
00:29:11,880 --> 00:29:14,080
Speaker 3: couple you are supporting. The key is to be a

548
00:29:14,120 --> 00:29:17,840
Speaker 3: good listener, don't diminish their feelings, find the bright side

549
00:29:17,840 --> 00:29:19,840
Speaker 3: of their concerns, and try to put their mind at

550
00:29:19,840 --> 00:29:24,280
Speaker 3: ease as best you can without invalidating their emotions. Remind

551
00:29:24,280 --> 00:29:26,040
Speaker 3: them of the big picture and what the day is

552
00:29:26,120 --> 00:29:29,720
Speaker 3: really about. Speeches at the reception can be a great

553
00:29:29,760 --> 00:29:32,840
Speaker 3: way to remind your happy couple what's most important. But

554
00:29:33,160 --> 00:29:35,640
Speaker 3: it may surprise you who is actually expected to give

555
00:29:35,680 --> 00:29:40,000
Speaker 3: a speech? I want to get to the speeches at

556
00:29:40,040 --> 00:29:40,920
Speaker 3: the wedding.

557
00:29:41,120 --> 00:29:43,720
Speaker 2: So important, arguably the most important thing.

558
00:29:44,080 --> 00:29:48,280
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, so I know normally the best person or

559
00:29:48,320 --> 00:29:51,920
Speaker 1: the person of honor is expected to give a speech.

560
00:29:51,960 --> 00:29:54,600
Speaker 1: But are other people in the wedding party expected to

561
00:29:54,600 --> 00:29:56,680
Speaker 1: give speeches to Can they? Who else?

562
00:29:57,040 --> 00:29:57,280
Speaker 2: You know?

563
00:29:57,520 --> 00:29:58,800
Speaker 1: Talk to me about speeches?

564
00:29:59,600 --> 00:30:03,240
Speaker 3: So wedding dependent Because as we said earlier, some people

565
00:30:03,320 --> 00:30:07,520
Speaker 3: do not deserve microphones. So for out of all person

566
00:30:07,720 --> 00:30:10,160
Speaker 3: have a no mic list, give it to your DJ,

567
00:30:10,280 --> 00:30:13,320
Speaker 3: you'r mc whoever it is. No, oh, no, mic list

568
00:30:13,360 --> 00:30:17,000
Speaker 3: is so a thing. Technically only the best man is

569
00:30:17,080 --> 00:30:19,880
Speaker 3: like obligated to give a speech, which I find shocking

570
00:30:19,920 --> 00:30:22,120
Speaker 3: every time I say it, and every time I say it,

571
00:30:22,160 --> 00:30:23,880
Speaker 3: I want to run back to my book and look

572
00:30:23,920 --> 00:30:27,080
Speaker 3: through it because I feel like, what are you talking about?

573
00:30:27,160 --> 00:30:29,760
Speaker 3: Of course, a father of the bride gives a speech,

574
00:30:29,840 --> 00:30:32,760
Speaker 3: and of course a maid of honor gives a speech,

575
00:30:33,240 --> 00:30:36,440
Speaker 3: and really it's up to you who you have due

576
00:30:36,480 --> 00:30:39,440
Speaker 3: speeches and toasts, and if your best man isn't someone

577
00:30:39,440 --> 00:30:41,000
Speaker 3: who you can trust, then don't have your best man

578
00:30:41,080 --> 00:30:44,320
Speaker 3: do it. It's okay, like it is okay to pass

579
00:30:44,400 --> 00:30:46,600
Speaker 3: that to the person that you feel the most confident

580
00:30:46,680 --> 00:30:50,560
Speaker 3: about asking that honor of. But typically the best man

581
00:30:50,600 --> 00:30:52,920
Speaker 3: would give the speech and kick it off and anyone

582
00:30:52,920 --> 00:30:53,960
Speaker 3: who wants to go after that.

583
00:30:54,080 --> 00:30:56,960
Speaker 2: Ken, I'm curious to know from your end, like, what

584
00:30:57,000 --> 00:30:59,880
Speaker 2: are your recommendations for nailing the speech.

585
00:31:00,880 --> 00:31:04,560
Speaker 3: I think that to nail the speech, you really want

586
00:31:04,600 --> 00:31:06,800
Speaker 3: it to be about the couple and their love and

587
00:31:06,840 --> 00:31:09,760
Speaker 3: their commitment on this day. I think people get into

588
00:31:09,800 --> 00:31:15,480
Speaker 3: trouble when they start making it about celebrating one person

589
00:31:15,520 --> 00:31:20,280
Speaker 3: in the couple, or just their relationship to the one

590
00:31:20,360 --> 00:31:23,280
Speaker 3: person in the couple that they're closer to. And I

591
00:31:23,320 --> 00:31:26,959
Speaker 3: also think that some people think that the job of

592
00:31:27,040 --> 00:31:30,280
Speaker 3: the best man is to embarrass or to cause the

593
00:31:30,320 --> 00:31:34,400
Speaker 3: bride to blush and not true, Like your goal with

594
00:31:34,520 --> 00:31:39,280
Speaker 3: this speech is to say something supportive and thoughtful, and

595
00:31:39,320 --> 00:31:42,120
Speaker 3: I think kind and I don't think that the goal

596
00:31:42,200 --> 00:31:46,480
Speaker 3: should be to embarrass or to paint a picture of

597
00:31:46,520 --> 00:31:50,240
Speaker 3: what life was like before you met this person. And

598
00:31:50,320 --> 00:31:53,160
Speaker 3: you know, there's a lot especially with people who maybe

599
00:31:53,440 --> 00:31:57,200
Speaker 3: sewed a lot of wild oats, like you know, there's.

600
00:31:58,640 --> 00:32:00,920
Speaker 1: This is not the place for that joke.

601
00:32:01,000 --> 00:32:04,640
Speaker 3: That's what the bachelor party is for or the bachelorette party.

602
00:32:05,160 --> 00:32:08,000
Speaker 3: But I would say from an etiquette perspective, it is

603
00:32:08,040 --> 00:32:09,840
Speaker 3: not the right tone to strike. You really want to

604
00:32:09,880 --> 00:32:12,160
Speaker 3: go sentimental, supportive, focus on the couple.

605
00:32:12,400 --> 00:32:14,360
Speaker 2: And I've done a couple of speeches, and so the

606
00:32:14,360 --> 00:32:17,040
Speaker 2: first one I did, it was a little long, was

607
00:32:17,080 --> 00:32:19,920
Speaker 2: the it was about ten minutes long, and I've learned

608
00:32:19,960 --> 00:32:21,800
Speaker 2: that that's too long. So I think that like the

609
00:32:21,840 --> 00:32:25,480
Speaker 2: sweet spots I've been told is like between like three

610
00:32:25,520 --> 00:32:27,479
Speaker 2: to five minutes. Three to seven minutes maybe, but like

611
00:32:27,560 --> 00:32:31,440
Speaker 2: not much longer than seven minutes. And generally people say

612
00:32:31,480 --> 00:32:33,840
Speaker 2: like keep it to five. Sod you are there any

613
00:32:33,840 --> 00:32:36,560
Speaker 2: hard and fast rules there with the speeches in the timelinth.

614
00:32:36,560 --> 00:32:39,160
Speaker 3: I think that all the ranges you just listed are smart.

615
00:32:39,160 --> 00:32:42,280
Speaker 3: Ten feels way too long. Seven starts to push it.

616
00:32:42,480 --> 00:32:45,560
Speaker 3: Five is you've really been up there talking for a while,

617
00:32:45,600 --> 00:32:48,200
Speaker 3: and you as a as a podcast and radio hosts

618
00:32:48,240 --> 00:32:52,200
Speaker 3: know that like thirty seconds, you can convey so much

619
00:32:52,320 --> 00:32:56,920
Speaker 3: information in thirty seconds when I really get down to it,

620
00:32:56,960 --> 00:32:59,720
Speaker 3: three minutes is probably a wonderful time. Yeah, Like I

621
00:32:59,800 --> 00:33:01,880
Speaker 3: bet that that gives you enough time to really get

622
00:33:01,880 --> 00:33:04,960
Speaker 3: into something and get back out of it without people

623
00:33:05,000 --> 00:33:07,880
Speaker 3: even feeling like, oh boy, should I look at my watch?

624
00:33:08,160 --> 00:33:08,400
Speaker 2: You know?

625
00:33:10,080 --> 00:33:12,400
Speaker 1: Now, what if you are asked to be a person

626
00:33:12,440 --> 00:33:15,720
Speaker 1: of honor or a best person, so like the top tier, Yeah,

627
00:33:15,760 --> 00:33:19,080
Speaker 1: and perhaps you know, Okay, this person's going to expect

628
00:33:19,080 --> 00:33:21,480
Speaker 1: me to plan the party, is going to expect me

629
00:33:21,560 --> 00:33:24,800
Speaker 1: to do X, Y and Z and be at you know,

630
00:33:24,840 --> 00:33:27,320
Speaker 1: all these different places, and I just can't give that

631
00:33:27,440 --> 00:33:30,880
Speaker 1: level of commitment? Can you decline that? But say like, hey,

632
00:33:30,920 --> 00:33:34,520
Speaker 1: I'll be just a regular like bride's person or groom's person.

633
00:33:35,160 --> 00:33:38,040
Speaker 3: I think it's a little harder to go from that

634
00:33:38,520 --> 00:33:41,720
Speaker 3: of honor role or that best man role into the

635
00:33:41,800 --> 00:33:45,640
Speaker 3: space of attendant, a little easier to drop all the

636
00:33:45,640 --> 00:33:48,320
Speaker 3: way back to like doing a reading or something like

637
00:33:48,360 --> 00:33:51,160
Speaker 3: they're giving a toast or something like that. But I

638
00:33:51,160 --> 00:33:53,400
Speaker 3: think you could say, boy, I know that you're really

639
00:33:53,440 --> 00:33:56,160
Speaker 3: looking for a lot out of your maid of honor,

640
00:33:56,280 --> 00:33:58,600
Speaker 3: and I am looking at the calendar and looking at

641
00:33:58,600 --> 00:34:00,840
Speaker 3: this year and realizing that I would not be able

642
00:34:00,840 --> 00:34:03,680
Speaker 3: to do the job justice. So if you would still

643
00:34:03,720 --> 00:34:05,840
Speaker 3: like me as a bridesmaid, I would love to be

644
00:34:05,880 --> 00:34:07,920
Speaker 3: a bridesmaid. If you'd still like me as a groomsmanner

645
00:34:07,960 --> 00:34:10,759
Speaker 3: and honor attendant, I would love to be that, but

646
00:34:11,000 --> 00:34:13,040
Speaker 3: I can't play the role at that level, is probably

647
00:34:13,080 --> 00:34:15,319
Speaker 3: what I would say. And then it's really up to

648
00:34:15,360 --> 00:34:17,239
Speaker 3: them where they place you after that.

649
00:34:17,520 --> 00:34:20,279
Speaker 1: Yeah, fair, Lizzie. Thank you so much for being with us.

650
00:34:20,400 --> 00:34:24,040
Speaker 1: It's always a pleasure to have you and listen. I

651
00:34:24,080 --> 00:34:26,640
Speaker 1: know we've got more wedding topics that we got to

652
00:34:26,640 --> 00:34:28,719
Speaker 1: grow up about, so I'm sure we'll have you back.

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00:34:29,000 --> 00:34:30,480
Speaker 2: Awesome, Thanks so much, shame you.

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00:34:31,120 --> 00:34:32,799
Speaker 3: I have such a good time talking with.

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00:34:32,800 --> 00:34:41,560
Speaker 1: You too, Lizzie. The pleasure is truly ours and we

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00:34:41,719 --> 00:34:45,640
Speaker 1: love talking etiquette with you, especially the wedding variety. Here's

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00:34:45,640 --> 00:34:47,879
Speaker 1: what I'm taking with me from this conversation. I'm being

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00:34:47,880 --> 00:34:50,360
Speaker 1: a member of a wedding party. When it comes to

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00:34:50,400 --> 00:34:53,359
Speaker 1: choosing a wedding party, remember it's your wedding and you

660
00:34:53,400 --> 00:34:56,120
Speaker 1: are not obligated to pick anyone other than the people

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00:34:56,200 --> 00:34:59,240
Speaker 1: you want up there next to you, no matter the age, gender,

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00:34:59,360 --> 00:35:01,920
Speaker 1: or the number people in the party. Even if you

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00:35:01,960 --> 00:35:04,160
Speaker 1: are not asked to be in the wedding party but

664
00:35:04,480 --> 00:35:07,360
Speaker 1: have been asked to help in a different way, you

665
00:35:07,400 --> 00:35:09,960
Speaker 1: are still a trusted and close friend of the couple

666
00:35:10,239 --> 00:35:13,319
Speaker 1: and they know they can rely on you. You are

667
00:35:13,360 --> 00:35:17,120
Speaker 1: not obligated to pay for or plan any of the parties.

668
00:35:17,160 --> 00:35:20,839
Speaker 1: In fact, all of the pre wedding parties are optional

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00:35:21,040 --> 00:35:24,200
Speaker 1: to have or even attend. The only things you have

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00:35:24,280 --> 00:35:27,800
Speaker 1: to go to as an attendant are the rehearsal, rehearsal dinner,

671
00:35:28,000 --> 00:35:31,160
Speaker 1: and the wedding itself. Sometimes the best thing you can

672
00:35:31,160 --> 00:35:34,239
Speaker 1: do to help your couple is asking them, Hey, what

673
00:35:34,360 --> 00:35:36,960
Speaker 1: do you need right now and remind them to focus

674
00:35:36,960 --> 00:35:39,640
Speaker 1: on the significance of the day they get to marry

675
00:35:39,719 --> 00:35:42,000
Speaker 1: someone they love and spend the rest of their life

676
00:35:42,040 --> 00:35:46,399
Speaker 1: with this person. Validation is also super important. Don't try

677
00:35:46,400 --> 00:35:49,319
Speaker 1: to gaslight anyone about what's happening. If things start to

678
00:35:49,320 --> 00:35:52,840
Speaker 1: go awride. Your job is to soothe and calm, not

679
00:35:52,960 --> 00:35:55,800
Speaker 1: to tell them they're ridiculous for being upset about certain things.

680
00:35:56,760 --> 00:35:59,279
Speaker 1: Stuff is going to happen on the day of. It

681
00:35:59,360 --> 00:36:01,680
Speaker 1: is your job as an attendant to try to help

682
00:36:01,760 --> 00:36:05,040
Speaker 1: fix any little mishaps that occur and be a problem

683
00:36:05,080 --> 00:36:08,879
Speaker 1: solver where needed. Technically, according to the Emily Post Rules

684
00:36:08,880 --> 00:36:11,319
Speaker 1: of Etiquette, only the best man is supposed to give

685
00:36:11,320 --> 00:36:13,920
Speaker 1: a speech to the reception, but many weddings use this

686
00:36:14,000 --> 00:36:17,400
Speaker 1: role to kick off multiple speeches. Ultimately, it's up to

687
00:36:17,440 --> 00:36:20,680
Speaker 1: the couple to decide who is making speeches, but it

688
00:36:20,719 --> 00:36:23,279
Speaker 1: never hurts to give the band leader or DJ a

689
00:36:23,440 --> 00:36:25,840
Speaker 1: no mic list for the night to keep the mics

690
00:36:25,920 --> 00:36:29,640
Speaker 1: in the right hands. If you've been asked to give

691
00:36:29,680 --> 00:36:33,080
Speaker 1: a speech at either the rehearsal or the reception, three

692
00:36:33,120 --> 00:36:38,000
Speaker 1: minutes is the sweet spot. Any longer is excessive. I've

693
00:36:38,000 --> 00:36:42,160
Speaker 1: made a decision about wedding parties for myself, and what

694
00:36:42,280 --> 00:36:45,040
Speaker 1: I think is that if that day ever comes for

695
00:36:45,160 --> 00:36:49,200
Speaker 1: me fingers crossed. I'm just gonna have one person standing

696
00:36:49,200 --> 00:36:51,120
Speaker 1: next to me and one person standing next to the

697
00:36:51,120 --> 00:36:54,759
Speaker 1: person I marry. You know, keep it simple, no regirts, Matt.

698
00:36:54,840 --> 00:36:57,839
Speaker 1: Any big surprises for you about wedding parties.

699
00:36:57,560 --> 00:36:59,520
Speaker 2: And just a side now. We will put Molly's hinge

700
00:36:59,560 --> 00:37:01,680
Speaker 2: profile in the link in the description, so go ahead

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00:37:01,680 --> 00:37:02,240
Speaker 2: and click.

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00:37:02,040 --> 00:37:02,319
Speaker 3: On that.

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00:37:04,160 --> 00:37:08,600
Speaker 2: First. Seeing a few surprises for me around speeches, I

704
00:37:08,600 --> 00:37:10,920
Speaker 2: didn't know that traditionally only the best man or the

705
00:37:10,920 --> 00:37:13,400
Speaker 2: best person was expected to give a speech and no

706
00:37:13,440 --> 00:37:15,600
Speaker 2: one else, right, But it's really beautiful to see the

707
00:37:15,600 --> 00:37:17,239
Speaker 2: liberties people are taking with it. You know, the parents

708
00:37:17,280 --> 00:37:20,960
Speaker 2: are speaking. I've seen weddings where the rehearsal dinner people

709
00:37:21,040 --> 00:37:23,319
Speaker 2: are giving speeches. I went to a wedding where like

710
00:37:23,360 --> 00:37:25,680
Speaker 2: literally everyone in the room stood up and said something

711
00:37:25,880 --> 00:37:27,799
Speaker 2: about the happy couples. So I think the important thing

712
00:37:27,800 --> 00:37:29,799
Speaker 2: to take away is that it's your wedding day and

713
00:37:29,800 --> 00:37:31,479
Speaker 2: that you should do whatever you want to do.

714
00:37:31,600 --> 00:37:35,120
Speaker 1: Here here, Matt. But moving on, what can our friends

715
00:37:35,200 --> 00:37:37,920
Speaker 1: expect to learn On the next episode of Grown Up

716
00:37:37,920 --> 00:37:38,720
Speaker 1: Stuff How to Adult?

717
00:37:38,960 --> 00:37:42,680
Speaker 2: In two weeks, we'll be digging into tipping culture. Somewhere

718
00:37:42,719 --> 00:37:45,200
Speaker 2: between the advent of tipping screens and the rampant inflation

719
00:37:45,239 --> 00:37:47,799
Speaker 2: we're all experiencing has left us a little confused what

720
00:37:47,880 --> 00:37:49,600
Speaker 2: to do when we're at the tip and counter.

721
00:37:49,800 --> 00:37:52,240
Speaker 1: Honestly, I feel like a lot more people are asking

722
00:37:52,239 --> 00:37:55,360
Speaker 1: for tips that weren't asking for them before, and that

723
00:37:55,440 --> 00:37:58,719
Speaker 1: we didn't ever tip before. So I have a lot

724
00:37:58,760 --> 00:38:01,800
Speaker 1: of confusion on who I'm supposed to tip and exactly

725
00:38:01,840 --> 00:38:03,799
Speaker 1: how much I'm supposed to tip. I do know that

726
00:38:03,840 --> 00:38:07,240
Speaker 1: I am a solid twenty percenter at a dine in restaurant, though.

727
00:38:07,080 --> 00:38:09,399
Speaker 2: But is that enough too much? And where else should

728
00:38:09,440 --> 00:38:11,000
Speaker 2: we be tipping. We're going to sort through all the

729
00:38:11,000 --> 00:38:13,160
Speaker 2: confusion and hopefully get a straight answer on the next

730
00:38:13,160 --> 00:38:15,120
Speaker 2: episode of grown Up Stuff, How do adult?

731
00:38:15,280 --> 00:38:17,680
Speaker 1: And remember you might not be graded in life, but

732
00:38:17,840 --> 00:38:20,720
Speaker 1: it never hoots. It never hurts to do your homework.

733
00:38:20,360 --> 00:38:22,080
Speaker 2: It never hoiites to do your.

734
00:38:21,920 --> 00:38:23,719
Speaker 1: Home never want to do your homewook.

735
00:38:25,360 --> 00:38:28,960
Speaker 2: This is a production from Ruby's Studio from My Heart Media.

736
00:38:29,040 --> 00:38:31,000
Speaker 2: Our executive producers are Molly.

737
00:38:30,760 --> 00:38:35,520
Speaker 1: Soshia and Matt Stillo. This episode was engineered by Matt Stillo.

738
00:38:35,440 --> 00:38:43,360
Speaker 2: And written in a clothus by Molly Sosha.

739
00:38:41,160 --> 00:38:44,120
Speaker 1: This episode was edited by Sierra Spreen, and we

740
00:38:44,120 --> 00:38:46,880
Speaker 2: Want to thank our teammates at Ruby Studio, including Ethan Fixel,

741
00:38:46,960 --> 00:38:53,200
Speaker 2: Rachel Swan Krasnov, Amber Smith, Deborah Garrett, and Andy Kelly