Speaker 1: My name is Alex, and I am not a virgin. No, alright, alright,
Speaker 1: it will be all right forever. No, we are all right,
Speaker 1: will be alright forever. So growing up, I always thought
Speaker 1: I was going to wait to have sex, like until
Speaker 1: I was married, and that all kind of went out
Speaker 1: of the window when I was eighteen years old. I
Speaker 1: had a ton of first times that kind of had
Speaker 1: nothing to do with that. When I was eighteen, I
Speaker 1: wanted to just try everything. I wanted to try alcohol,
Speaker 1: and it was the first time that I smoked weed
Speaker 1: and swearing openly and standing for what I believed and
Speaker 1: not just beliefs that matched how I was raised. And
Speaker 1: one of those things was going all the way. I
Speaker 1: don't know how else to say it without feeling I'm
Speaker 1: still getting used to talking about sex like publicly. I
Speaker 1: also had a girlfriend at eighteen, and for the story,
Speaker 1: we're going to call her Ocean And if you know me,
Speaker 1: you know exactly why she's called Ocean. Um and we
Speaker 1: were dating when I was eighteen years old. You have
Speaker 1: to understand, and I think for everybody, like the first time,
Speaker 1: like losing your virginity is super special, Like it's like
Speaker 1: a very special moment, or at least you like hype
Speaker 1: it up to be I guess is like you imagine
Speaker 1: that there's like a bed of roses and there's like
Speaker 1: the perfect song is playing and there's one beam of
Speaker 1: moonlight hitting like your significant other right on the cheek,
Speaker 1: and it's like beautiful. Uh. If that was you, congratulations,
Speaker 1: good for you. I wish that that's how it was
Speaker 1: for me, but unfortunately it wasn't. And it's not in
Speaker 1: a negative way. I think it's just in a this
Speaker 1: is what real life is like kind of way. We
Speaker 1: were I think we're on the beach. This it didn't
Speaker 1: happen on the beach. We're on the beach and we're
Speaker 1: just like kissing and stuff, and she randomly was just like, Yo,
Speaker 1: you want to do it? And I was like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I bet it. Why not. By the way, it's Wednesday,
Speaker 1: Like there's no worst day. I think if we're going
Speaker 1: with the worst day to lose your virginity, Wednesday, wins um.
Speaker 1: So we left the beach, we went to CVS, got
Speaker 1: some condoms, and it kind of just happened. And I
Speaker 1: don't know what it is about that first time versus
Speaker 1: drinking for the first time getting drunk, you know, blacking
Speaker 1: out on a subway, which I'll tell you guys about
Speaker 1: one day. But this one just felt different and I
Speaker 1: had a different expectation of what losing my virginity would
Speaker 1: be like. And here I am on a Wednesday night
Speaker 1: with a girl who to this day I still have
Speaker 1: mad love for, but by no means was the you know,
Speaker 1: perfect magical love. I woke up the next day thinking
Speaker 1: I was going to be, you know, smitten by God,
Speaker 1: or or my mom was gonna call me and tell
Speaker 1: me she hated me, or something significant was going to happen.
Speaker 1: But I woke up and the world didn't end. It
Speaker 1: was just another Thursday, looking back at the experience, building
Speaker 1: up what it would be. Here I am on a
Speaker 1: Thursday morning, having just lost my virginity, and there you
Speaker 1: have it. That's it. I lost my virginity, no longer
Speaker 1: a virgin, and that got me thinking how important our
Speaker 1: first time's really. So to help me on my journey,
Speaker 1: I have a couple of friends. I have my good
Speaker 1: friend who is a therapist, Karen Erlickman, and then I
Speaker 1: have my very good friend Nesa, and they're gonna help
Speaker 1: me kind of figure out, what's all the fuss about
Speaker 1: a first time? I'm alex Iono and this is Let's
Speaker 1: Get into It, Yo, what's up? This is alex Iono
Speaker 1: and this is my podcast. It's called Let's Get into
Speaker 1: It and we talk about all of the things that
Speaker 1: I feel like we all want to know about. And
Speaker 1: so we're here talking about first times in general. Um,
Speaker 1: we're gonna be talking about a bunch of different first times,
Speaker 1: but I think there's obviously one clear first time that is,
Speaker 1: you know, the hot topic in everybody's minds. I guess
Speaker 1: I have two of my very close friends, one of
Speaker 1: them being Karen or Lickman, who is my wisdom tree.
Speaker 1: She is my go to for life advice and all
Speaker 1: things mental health, love everything, uh and also with me
Speaker 1: is one of my very very dear friends that I've
Speaker 1: met since I've been in l A. She is an
Speaker 1: insanely talented singer, songwriter. I'm going to call her a
Speaker 1: producer because I'm manifesting that she's going to be an
Speaker 1: insane producer as well, actress, social media, influencer, activists, all
Speaker 1: of it. Literally, she does everything. One of my very
Speaker 1: good friends and as a ladies, how are you what
Speaker 1: is up? Hey? This is weird doing it from a
Speaker 1: zoom call, but it's the new norm. It's the new norm.
Speaker 1: I'm learning. It's making me like a tech whiz. Like
Speaker 1: I've had to learn so much about technology, so many
Speaker 1: zoom calls, and we all work at the Genius Bar.
Speaker 1: Now we're literally all genius. Karen, how are you? I am?
Speaker 1: I'm COVID good today. That's been my new response because
Speaker 1: I have to qualify everything. I know. We've talked many
Speaker 1: times how much you hate the term how are you?
Speaker 1: Oh no, I'm just learning to give a real response
Speaker 1: instead of just the you know, like the automatic response.
Speaker 1: So but actually I'm having a COVID good day today.
Speaker 1: I like that. I like that. I think I'm gonna
Speaker 1: make my I'm gonna make my automatic response how much
Speaker 1: time do you have? And what you said, how am I?
Speaker 1: How much time do you have? Um? But we're talking
Speaker 1: about first times, and I'm very excited because there's so
Speaker 1: many different types of first time. So NASA, you and
Speaker 1: I are going to get through all of the twenty
Speaker 1: year old first time you know, conversations, and we're gonna spare.
Speaker 1: We're gonna spare Karen the trip down memory Lane. But
Speaker 1: then after we take a break from talking with you, Nzza,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna talk to Karen and we're going to talk
Speaker 1: about the actual value of a first time and what
Speaker 1: makes it so special. And then lastly, we're going to
Speaker 1: talk about first times that aren't necessarily sexual, because I
Speaker 1: think that there's so many first times that shape us
Speaker 1: as human beings that have nothing to do with romance.
Speaker 1: But before we get into that, we have a very
Speaker 1: very special question. I ask all of the guests, including myself,
Speaker 1: each episode, and it is what have you been doing
Speaker 1: this week to improve your life? Karen? And as I
Speaker 1: will let you guys have a little bit of time
Speaker 1: to think while I tell you mine. So I am
Speaker 1: a very very big procrastinator, and one of the biggest
Speaker 1: things that I've been doing this week is actually a
Speaker 1: It's a tip I got from a book called Ten
Speaker 1: Habits of Successful People, And a tip that they give
Speaker 1: you is to like chant a montro, which is do
Speaker 1: it now, and you say it fifty times a day
Speaker 1: every day, and when you wake up and before you
Speaker 1: go to bed, so you say do it now, do
Speaker 1: it now? Do it now? Do it now? And what's
Speaker 1: supposed to do is, like I guess, in bed in
Speaker 1: your brain, the concept of doing a task right now
Speaker 1: and doing it instead of pushing it off and being like, oh,
Speaker 1: I could probably do that tomorrow. UM, doing it right
Speaker 1: now and again, by no means. This week was I
Speaker 1: like an anti procress hater, Like I still procrastinated, but
Speaker 1: there were a couple of things like taking out the
Speaker 1: trash where I was like, I got to take the
Speaker 1: trash out, and then my mind was like do it now,
Speaker 1: and then I was like ah, and then my mind
Speaker 1: was like do it now, and so I did it.
Speaker 1: So that's what I've been doing to improve myself this week, Karen,
Speaker 1: Do you have anything I do? So this week I
Speaker 1: UM joined a somatic practice group for white people focused
Speaker 1: on dismantling white supremacy. Wow, big, big, big, big love,
Speaker 1: big love. That's massive, especially for where we are right now.
Speaker 1: We're recording this podcast mid quarantine, UM and still amid
Speaker 1: insane amounts of racial injustice and UM and racial inequality
Speaker 1: and so little steps like that are are so profound.
Speaker 1: So I definitely want to to, you know, commend you
Speaker 1: for for that, and and UM, I'm very grateful that
Speaker 1: I have amazing friends who are pushing for forward change. Honestly,
Speaker 1: that maybe my best response this whole podcast season to
Speaker 1: your question of all my other things about like cocktails
Speaker 1: and books I'm reading and whatever, like, I think this
Speaker 1: is my there the self improvement I'm most proud of.
Speaker 1: It's definitely one to be be proud of. But don't
Speaker 1: discount your cocktail making, because you probably are. I think
Speaker 1: you might have leveled up. This is not to to
Speaker 1: lighten up. What how amazingly incredible your response to this
Speaker 1: episode is, but other episodes you you probably are making
Speaker 1: some crazy margarite is at this point. So I'm sure
Speaker 1: everything you do is amazing. Everything you do is amazing. NASA,
Speaker 1: do you have something for me? Yes? So if you
Speaker 1: know me all my friends, No, I can knock get
Speaker 1: myself to work out. It's probably been a good year,
Speaker 1: and especially this year. I just I don't know, I
Speaker 1: kind of you know, not being you know, in the
Speaker 1: dance industry any longer. I don't really go to dance
Speaker 1: class regularly, and especially with COVID, like all the dance
Speaker 1: studios have been closed down. So I finally last week
Speaker 1: started working out. My girls. We've been working out at home.
Speaker 1: They like send me routines trying to get the booty gains,
Speaker 1: you know, um, because yeah, it's it's it's about times.
Speaker 1: So I like that fitness, health is wealth. Health is wealth.
Speaker 1: They we got a good set of answers today. Look
Speaker 1: at us. We're changing the world, we're changing ourselves, and
Speaker 1: we're changing our butts. It's three of the most important
Speaker 1: things to change, three of the most important things to change.
Speaker 1: We have goofed off long enough, NASA. It's time for
Speaker 1: us to goof off more. Um, Karen, we will be
Speaker 1: with you in just a second. But Nesa, we're talking
Speaker 1: first times, and I want you to know I took
Speaker 1: the first step. I told my story, which, by the way,
Speaker 1: no means perfect, no means glamorous. There was there was
Speaker 1: no music. Actually there might have been music playing, um,
Speaker 1: but I don't know. You know, I'm not going to
Speaker 1: go into too deep of details. But um, for our
Speaker 1: purposes in this segment, we have been talking about, you know,
Speaker 1: the first times, you know, going all the way, losing
Speaker 1: your virginity. Let's just address the big one right here,
Speaker 1: right now without you know, by sharing as many details
Speaker 1: as you want and not sharing anything you don't want.
Speaker 1: What was your what was your first experience like? Was
Speaker 1: it exactly what you hope for? Was it the kind
Speaker 1: of the same as me where it wasn't bad, but
Speaker 1: it was like it wasn't exactly what you were imagining,
Speaker 1: or was it like, no, way, this is lame. I
Speaker 1: wish I wish I could undo, you know what, looking back,
Speaker 1: I can't really remember like the full details of it. Um.
Speaker 1: And then going off of your story, I don't I
Speaker 1: don't think I've ever heard anyone tell like a perfect,
Speaker 1: you know, fairy tale like kind of first time losing
Speaker 1: their virginity. I have never heard a perfect losing virginity story,
Speaker 1: that's true. I don't think I have. But mine mine
Speaker 1: was it might be t m I, but we're going
Speaker 1: to do it. Um. So my first time which so
Speaker 1: sorry Mom and dad. UM. I lost my virginity at sixteen, UM,
Speaker 1: and it was it was like um schedule pickup day
Speaker 1: at school and I was class president, student council, all
Speaker 1: of it. So I told my parents that I had
Speaker 1: to be there at it like earlier than I actually
Speaker 1: had to, and and my boyfriend at the time lived
Speaker 1: close by campus, so I basically walked over there and
Speaker 1: it was also his first time, so we lost our
Speaker 1: virginities together. Some sweetness to it. Yeah, we lost it together,
Speaker 1: and it I don't know, it could have been. Obviously
Speaker 1: it's our first time, so obviously that's one of the
Speaker 1: big reasons why it wasn't like like you know, perfect,
Speaker 1: I guess, but something that happened that I remember very specifically,
Speaker 1: which is weird because you remember the traumatic stuff. I
Speaker 1: don't remember like how it fell. I don't really remember
Speaker 1: like what we did. But I didn't know about cherry
Speaker 1: popping at that age. I didn't know that was a thing. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I didn't know. And I had just gotten my period maybe,
Speaker 1: like I was a late bloomer, so I had maybe
Speaker 1: just only had it for like a year, and so
Speaker 1: basically like midway, I just like, you know, there's just
Speaker 1: like blood everywhere, and I was like, what is going on?
Speaker 1: And we both started freaking out because I was like,
Speaker 1: it's not my period, Like what's going on? And so
Speaker 1: I remember we just like stopped, like we ended up
Speaker 1: like finishing, but like we just stopped, and it was
Speaker 1: like we were like freaking out because we didn't know
Speaker 1: what was going on. And it wasn't until maybe like
Speaker 1: even months later that I like read like what that was?
Speaker 1: Like that you like pop because a lot of girls
Speaker 1: don't do don't get that, a lot of girls don't
Speaker 1: go through the cherry popping thing. There's a lot of
Speaker 1: that's a lot of details and parents not. By the way,
Speaker 1: now that you set the tone with that story, I'm i'm,
Speaker 1: I'm I can, I'm a lot less uncomfortable with asking
Speaker 1: you questions. It's interesting, though, because you brought up a
Speaker 1: good point. You didn't know about something right, and so
Speaker 1: that might be um whether that be proof or an
Speaker 1: example of the age in which we're starting to do
Speaker 1: first times might be a little bit too early. Speaking
Speaker 1: of that age, I have some statistics here that are
Speaker 1: interesting which we actually contradict. Uh. In high school ages,
Speaker 1: on average, boys have their first time an average of
Speaker 1: three months earlier than girls, Which is funny because in
Speaker 1: this scenario you had just two years before me. But
Speaker 1: that all flip flops once you go away to college
Speaker 1: or at least, uh, you know, once you dropped out
Speaker 1: of high school. For me, there are more I guess
Speaker 1: the point is is that once you get past that
Speaker 1: eighteen year old face into nineteen, there are way more
Speaker 1: nineteen year old guy virgins than there are nineteen year
Speaker 1: old women virgins. Um or I guess there are more
Speaker 1: nineteen year old guys who are virgins than nineteen year
Speaker 1: old women who are virgins. Um And I have no
Speaker 1: idea why that is. Do you have any ideal why
Speaker 1: that is? No? I mean that's what going into college,
Speaker 1: you're college freshman, you're yeah, away from parents, you're like
Speaker 1: experienced adult life. But that the switches. Yeah, but then
Speaker 1: it switched. You know, maybe there's like a reason why
Speaker 1: that happens in the sense of maybe you know, I
Speaker 1: know for me, my dad was a lot more strict
Speaker 1: in terms of rules with my sisters than for me.
Speaker 1: So maybe it's something that once you know, women who
Speaker 1: were raised in like that a house where their parents
Speaker 1: are super strict, get out of that. They're freed from there,
Speaker 1: you know, from their strict kind of um comfines. They
Speaker 1: have this freedom and they kind of go out and
Speaker 1: explore it. I think also that was me. Okay, well then,
Speaker 1: but not in the sense of virginity, but like just
Speaker 1: wild and out like I was so so like constraint,
Speaker 1: like I was like, couldn't go anywhere, couldn't have sleepovers,
Speaker 1: couldn't even go to the movies with friends when I
Speaker 1: was in high school, and then when I moved out
Speaker 1: to l A, I was just like, well, I'm my own,
Speaker 1: let me go meet boys. So so I think that
Speaker 1: that does make sense. Like girls are probably just like
Speaker 1: now that they're out, they're free, they get to explore
Speaker 1: without like having parents, you know, over them, and makes sense.
Speaker 1: I'm I'm also interested at the idea that, like, I
Speaker 1: feel like in terms of hormones, like I'm curious how
Speaker 1: you know, I know, guys once they're young, it's like
Speaker 1: they're just you're just flooded with them, Like everything you
Speaker 1: see is sex, right, I need it. And maybe once
Speaker 1: it gets into college, it's kind of like if you
Speaker 1: didn't do it in high school, then maybe you're just
Speaker 1: amongst a different group of boys or a different group
Speaker 1: of men who maybe you know, there's a lot of
Speaker 1: in cells. There's a lot of you know, um, voluntary
Speaker 1: cells at know how the opposite of an involuntary celibacy
Speaker 1: is like a voluntary like people people who really did
Speaker 1: want to wait. So I'm not sure, but it is
Speaker 1: interesting seeing all of those things. Um, I'm more interested
Speaker 1: in between you and me. We've been friends for a
Speaker 1: long time. Let's just shoot down the list of other
Speaker 1: first times that you do kind of I know, we're
Speaker 1: kind of going backwards because sex is like the ultimate
Speaker 1: first time. Let's just see who Let's let's check our
Speaker 1: ages of first times before that. When was the first
Speaker 1: time that you, like held hands but not just like
Speaker 1: held hands with somebody, but like when you did it
Speaker 1: and it was like a romantic thing. Because I know
Speaker 1: exactly what mine was. It had to have been with
Speaker 1: like my first official boyfriend in middle school. Seventh grade, okay,
Speaker 1: seventh grade. Okay, so seventh grade. We're tied. First kiss.
Speaker 1: First kiss was seventh grade with also seventh grade. Mine
Speaker 1: was seventh grade summer. Oh, same guy. That's pretty I was.
Speaker 1: I was a bit of a dog back in the days.
Speaker 1: So my first hold hands and my first kiss was
Speaker 1: little two difference. You know, we got to switch it up.
Speaker 1: How about the first time that you I don't know
Speaker 1: how to say this in between kissing and and having
Speaker 1: sex that stuff, but interesting. This is what's interesting is
Speaker 1: I know a lot of people who actually have sex
Speaker 1: before they go into like other stuff. That's the first
Speaker 1: thing they do sexually. Is that so they don't have
Speaker 1: the like the little like eighth grade, like getting to
Speaker 1: figure out what bodies are, types of situations, which that
Speaker 1: was me eighth grade. I was this is literally this
Speaker 1: is embarrassing and I don't even know if this is
Speaker 1: allowed to be in the podcast. But everything other than
Speaker 1: sex for me, did it in eighth grade? Really? Okay?
Speaker 1: Not me? Um everything? Let me repeat that, everything other
Speaker 1: than sex eighth grade? No way, I mean it's that's
Speaker 1: not like so out there every because as like all
Speaker 1: my friends in eighth grade were you know, exploring, we
Speaker 1: were some nasty ass kids. We're nasty as kids, y'all.
Speaker 1: Parents everywhere, if your kids in eighth grade nasty ass kid,
Speaker 1: I guarantee you there's a ten percent chance there's a
Speaker 1: ten percent chance your kid is not a nasty ass
Speaker 1: kid in eighth grade. Yeah. Yeah, I think the the
Speaker 1: only the only thing I went as far as doing
Speaker 1: in middle school was like that was my first make out,
Speaker 1: like the first time I made out with a boy.
Speaker 1: But the first time yeah, but the first time I
Speaker 1: did other things uh in between wasn't until I was nineteen. Oh,
Speaker 1: So you were one of those people who had sex
Speaker 1: first and then did the other things. Yeah, I hadn't.
Speaker 1: You're one of the people I'm talking about, but you
Speaker 1: know what it was like. It was one of those
Speaker 1: things where I was like, when was that going to happen?
Speaker 1: Like my first time obviously was like so, you know,
Speaker 1: blood everywhere, we don't know. I we freaked out. I wasn't.
Speaker 1: I didn't know what that was. I didn't know what
Speaker 1: going down on someone. I didn't know any of that.
Speaker 1: And so and then that first time freaked me out
Speaker 1: so much that I didn't have sex again until I
Speaker 1: was nineteen. Well that's wild. Yeah, hey, once you set
Speaker 1: me on the track, I was like a hot wheel dog.
Speaker 1: I was not hot wheels. Oh, I'm the most for
Speaker 1: for somebody who's only who's had sex with less than
Speaker 1: like ten women at this point in my life, I
Speaker 1: should talk like I have like the longest list. Like
Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, I was a dog back then. I
Speaker 1: was having sex at least once, maybe twice a year.
Speaker 1: I think, I don't know what else. Oh, yeah, how
Speaker 1: about this, this is a good one. What about the
Speaker 1: first time you fell in love? And like try and
Speaker 1: it's hard. I've talked about it before, but like try
Speaker 1: and differentiate. Try and differentiate when you fell in love, like, oh,
Speaker 1: I'm in love with you, like sixth grade Kelsey Thomas.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna even give her a name shout out because
Speaker 1: she was my sixth grade love. Um. But but try
Speaker 1: and differentiate that from somebody who you're like, Okay, I
Speaker 1: actually did love that person. Yeah. It's hard because like
Speaker 1: looking back, like I still I still remember being so
Speaker 1: because the first time I said I love you to
Speaker 1: someone was um in high school with the boy that
Speaker 1: I lost my virginity too, And looking back, I don't
Speaker 1: really like it felt like love in the moment. But
Speaker 1: now that I've you know, been in mature relationships since,
Speaker 1: like I know what like real love really is. So
Speaker 1: it's hard to go back and be like, did I
Speaker 1: love you or was it lost? Or was it just
Speaker 1: like puppy love? I don't know. Um, the first time
Speaker 1: I've been really really in love and I actually haven't
Speaker 1: been in love like that since was my six year
Speaker 1: relationship that ended about three years ago. Say his name
Speaker 1: and his address absolutely not. Uh No. I agree with
Speaker 1: you though, And I've talked about this with many people before, um,
Speaker 1: probably even a podcast episode. Uh. In differentiating love versus
Speaker 1: lust like even you know, I know that that like
Speaker 1: the girl, I lost my virginity too. I don't even
Speaker 1: know if I was in like love like full on
Speaker 1: mayor Ridge love. I think I know I was in
Speaker 1: at least puppy love, like that young type of love.
Speaker 1: But I might not have been in love until I
Speaker 1: was like twenty years old. So that first time is
Speaker 1: kind of hard to differentiate. It's not as easy as like, um,
Speaker 1: you know, uh, cherry popping, where you can guarantee this
Speaker 1: was the first time ever. You know, It's like you
Speaker 1: don't know the first time. I guess there's there's so
Speaker 1: many different things. UM. And my last question before we
Speaker 1: go into a break, is there anything going back to
Speaker 1: your actual first time? Um? Is there anything about it
Speaker 1: looking back? Obviously if it was a perfect scenario with
Speaker 1: the rebett of roses in the moonlight shining in perfect music,
Speaker 1: but like in a real like a realistic way, is
Speaker 1: there anything that you would change about your first time?
Speaker 1: Would you take it back, would you do it with
Speaker 1: somebody else? Would you have waited a little longer? Would
Speaker 1: you have maybe looked up what what you know how
Speaker 1: women's bodies work? When you lose your virginity. Um, you
Speaker 1: know what, what would you change? I hate to say that,
Speaker 1: like because I don't regret things. You know, I've learned
Speaker 1: to just not regret things. Um, so it's not that
Speaker 1: I regret it. But going back, I wish I would
Speaker 1: have either waited not not much longer. I wasn't trying
Speaker 1: to be like a vision until twenties, you know, but um,
Speaker 1: just because I'd like to experience things and I like
Speaker 1: to just like live life to the fullest. Um. But
Speaker 1: I do wish I would have waited, maybe just a
Speaker 1: tad bit longer, and probably with someone else because Homeboy
Speaker 1: now is like low key my stalker. So that's that's
Speaker 1: another topic for another podcast. So that's a whole another story.
Speaker 1: But yeah, I wish I would have waited a little bit.
Speaker 1: That makes sense. That makes sense. Well, I think that's
Speaker 1: you know, it's it's one of those things where is
Speaker 1: it ever going to be perfect? Like you said, no,
Speaker 1: I've never heard a perfect story where somebody's like, yeah,
Speaker 1: it was awesome. One of my friends literally did like
Speaker 1: backyard in the dirt type of stories, like there's never
Speaker 1: a perfect in the backyard thing. You've done it or
Speaker 1: you've heard it because I I turned the back are thing,
Speaker 1: Oh yikes, and on that. No, let's take a break,
Speaker 1: um for real, though, We're gonna take a quick break
Speaker 1: and when we come back, we're gonna get a little
Speaker 1: bit more serious. Karen and I are going to talk
Speaker 1: about the value of a first time. We'll be right back,
Speaker 1: all right, welcome back. This is let's get into it,
Speaker 1: and we are talking about first times. Ne Asa and
Speaker 1: I just had a funniest conversation about first time from
Speaker 1: top to bottom, all about love and lust and sex
Speaker 1: and all of that fun stuff. But now it's time
Speaker 1: to actually dive into what the value of first time is.
Speaker 1: And to help me dive into that, I have Karen Erlickman, therapist,
Speaker 1: life coach, wisdom tree. Literally you name it, she does it. Karen,
Speaker 1: how are you? I am so looking forward to this conversation.
Speaker 1: I know it's it's actually something interesting to me because, uh,
Speaker 1: you know, I've since obviously having my first time, I've
Speaker 1: been in loads of different relationships and different flings and
Speaker 1: hookups and all of that, and some of those scenarios
Speaker 1: being more special to me obviously then that first time.
Speaker 1: But when you're a kid, you know, you hear so
Speaker 1: much about losing your virginity and how special it is.
Speaker 1: So I just wanted to dive into that with you
Speaker 1: because I know that a lot of people there might
Speaker 1: even be like some shame and some guilt about doing
Speaker 1: your first time quote unquote the wrong way, and so
Speaker 1: I kind of want to dive into that. So what
Speaker 1: is important, I guess to our psyche when it comes
Speaker 1: to like the first time of anything realistically, But what
Speaker 1: is it about our psyche that makes the first time
Speaker 1: be like this? Is it? Well, one of the things
Speaker 1: that comes to mind is actually how as kids and
Speaker 1: then as teenagers, we're trying to figure out who we
Speaker 1: are and what our own values are. So there's and
Speaker 1: you've made reference to this a little bit, Alex, like
Speaker 1: what we're told from our parents, what we learn like
Speaker 1: what is right and what is wrong? And then we
Speaker 1: have our own internal experience of who we are, like
Speaker 1: I agree with that, I don't agree with that, or
Speaker 1: why do we have to do it that way? All
Speaker 1: those things. And then in the time that you spend
Speaker 1: like not with your family or like not at church
Speaker 1: or not and wherever are those places that are teaching
Speaker 1: us what who we're supposed to be. We're trying to
Speaker 1: figure it out on our own. So that's one thing,
Speaker 1: is cultivating that sense of your own identity and your
Speaker 1: own values. And actually a lot of like sex education
Speaker 1: programs have a whole piece called values clarification. I'm making
Speaker 1: like little air quotes as I say that, so really
Speaker 1: like who am I? And what do I actually care about?
Speaker 1: And I feel like on top of that, right, so
Speaker 1: it's like who am I? What do I care about?
Speaker 1: There's all of this pressure and this is a whole deeper,
Speaker 1: deeper topic that is automatically applied to most of us,
Speaker 1: if not all of us, as children and growing up,
Speaker 1: where it's like the novelty of everything. The first time
Speaker 1: that you get something, like the first business you start
Speaker 1: has to be successful, the first you know woman you
Speaker 1: date or lose your's you has to be the one
Speaker 1: all of that In the long run, How important is
Speaker 1: novelty to our sense of like our overall happiness in
Speaker 1: the big picture? Oh, very important? Like if you think
Speaker 1: about some more mundane first times, like just going from
Speaker 1: baby food to real food, right, Like if you can
Speaker 1: picture right like you're an uncle, right, picture that moment,
Speaker 1: or like when a kid tries something for the first time,
Speaker 1: like this is very low risk. This is not sex,
Speaker 1: this is just food. One of our favorite topics, right
Speaker 1: is like I'm now like trying to figure out is
Speaker 1: this pleasurable? Is this not pleasurable? Is this going to
Speaker 1: hurt me or harm me? Like we're biological organisms, right,
Speaker 1: So part of what happens is we're trying to determine
Speaker 1: whether something is going to hurt us or help us.
Speaker 1: Am I going to die or am I going to live?
Speaker 1: To tell the story, is it's going to be feel
Speaker 1: good or feel bad? And those memories, even of small things,
Speaker 1: stay with us for our whole lives, right, we have
Speaker 1: us we remember it in our brains and in our bodies.
Speaker 1: And there's a feeling of like the line between thrill
Speaker 1: and excitement versus fear can be very fuzzy sometimes, right.
Speaker 1: So it's like your body reacts in the same way
Speaker 1: when you're really excited about something, Like think about the
Speaker 1: first time you performed, right, Like you get this mix
Speaker 1: of like I'm so excited and like, holy fuck, I
Speaker 1: am terrified, and so being able to figure out what's
Speaker 1: my fear and what's my excitement and the part that
Speaker 1: is thrill. We just want more and more and more
Speaker 1: of that. You actually answered my next question, which was
Speaker 1: attaching emotional weight to our first but I think what
Speaker 1: you said to when it came to something as simple
Speaker 1: as you know, feeding a baby, like real food for
Speaker 1: the first time. I literally last week gave my niece Mila,
Speaker 1: her first ever sip of a Jack in the Box
Speaker 1: Oreo milkshake, which for me is a big deal, and like, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's a that's also a first, and I think that's
Speaker 1: what we'll get into in this last section of the podcast,
Speaker 1: is like the first that aren't as like insane or
Speaker 1: might not seem as insane, but actually are super crucial
Speaker 1: to life. Like I didn't think the first time you
Speaker 1: eat regular food that is so crucial because for me,
Speaker 1: somebody who loves food, there was a moment in which
Speaker 1: I had that for the first time and I was like, wow,
Speaker 1: this is this like what or like the first time
Speaker 1: I really got to eat like a really high end
Speaker 1: steak and I could appreciate it and I can go, wow,
Speaker 1: this is what a prime rib taste like, you know
Speaker 1: whatever that is. So now I guess developing, right, And
Speaker 1: and that's where a lot of the first times happened.
Speaker 1: Is that this development into an adult. So thinking about
Speaker 1: that development, um, and knowing that things that I once
Speaker 1: did for the first time, I'm so much better at now.
Speaker 1: Like you said, performing, I remember the first time performing
Speaker 1: and it was such a rush. But at the same
Speaker 1: time my voice was like uh uh and it wasn't.
Speaker 1: I don't know what that that's going to be a
Speaker 1: sound bite for some weird meme. I don't know what
Speaker 1: it was. But when I started to, you know, learn
Speaker 1: how to perform, learn how to hold my pitch, at first,
Speaker 1: I was terrible about it. But what's happening in our
Speaker 1: brains as we continue to try as a first like
Speaker 1: the second try, Sometimes the second try is just as
Speaker 1: special or more special, just as important or more important
Speaker 1: than the first, you know what I mean. Yes, we're
Speaker 1: literally creating a neural pathway in our brains that um.
Speaker 1: The more we practice, the more we repeat a certain behavior,
Speaker 1: the stronger that neural pathway is, which is partly why
Speaker 1: it's really hard to change habits that are not healthy
Speaker 1: for us, because sometimes there's a really deep neural path
Speaker 1: that groove is really deep and very well oiled, and
Speaker 1: we can just slide right into it, excuse the metaphor,
Speaker 1: really easily. But when we're little, everything is a new
Speaker 1: neural path right, crawling, walking, talking, reading, riding a bicycle. Right,
Speaker 1: It's like, if you can picture in your mind, just
Speaker 1: wait till you get to teach your niece how to
Speaker 1: ride a bicycle, right, like when she gets to that age,
Speaker 1: like when you get to that point where you're like,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna fall down, I'm gonna bleed, I'm gonna die,
Speaker 1: don't drop me, you know, and then all of a
Speaker 1: sudden you're like, I got this right, you know, It's
Speaker 1: like that. And so then we have that neural pathway
Speaker 1: not just in our brains but in our bodies that's
Speaker 1: say yes, I can do this. Then it's like we're
Speaker 1: like bring it. Okay, that's a good point. And I
Speaker 1: guess since we're talking about like riding a bike, for instance,
Speaker 1: I remember when I first rode a bike, I fell
Speaker 1: down so many times. So the first time I actually
Speaker 1: got on a bike, it was a shitty experience, so
Speaker 1: unlike my sexual experience, which was yeah, it wasn't perfect,
Speaker 1: but I still am like cool with it. If I
Speaker 1: could go back and not scrape, like I have a
Speaker 1: scar on my knees still to this day from the
Speaker 1: first time I tried riding a bike. How important is
Speaker 1: it then, for an experience when your first time is bad,
Speaker 1: to get back up on the horse or to try
Speaker 1: it again even though you had a negative experience, because like, yeah,
Speaker 1: for instance, if you try sea urchin for the first
Speaker 1: time and you hate it, nothing about having sea urchin
Speaker 1: again will make it like you could. You could never
Speaker 1: have sea urchin again for the rest of your life,
Speaker 1: and your life doesn't change at all. But let's say
Speaker 1: you fall in love for the first time, or you
Speaker 1: lose your virginity and it's just the worst experience, so
Speaker 1: bad that you actually wish you could go back and
Speaker 1: change it. How important is it to actually go on
Speaker 1: to that second try or that third try and really
Speaker 1: get back on the horse? Is a term that I've heard,
Speaker 1: you know, every time, because that term comes from when
Speaker 1: you get bucked off of a horse and getting back
Speaker 1: on it. What's that importance you know to you? Well,
Speaker 1: I think one of the things that has a huge
Speaker 1: influence is how the other people around us react. So
Speaker 1: if you have somebody else in your life who says
Speaker 1: don't ever do that again, or what were you thinking?
Speaker 1: Or you shouldn't have done that, or like they make
Speaker 1: you feel bad about yourself because you didn't do it well,
Speaker 1: you didn't do it right, or you shouldn't have done
Speaker 1: it in the first place. That then gets attached to
Speaker 1: our memory of the experience. But if you have somebody
Speaker 1: who says that's awesome, you can do it, just get
Speaker 1: right back up. I believe in you. You got this.
Speaker 1: And you have somebody who's really like seeing you as
Speaker 1: as your best and encouraging you and is not like
Speaker 1: hijacking the whole thing with their own fear or need
Speaker 1: to control, you're going to pick that up to and
Speaker 1: you're gonna be like, I can do it. I can
Speaker 1: do this. This person who cares about me is telling
Speaker 1: me I got this, I got this. M Yes. And
Speaker 1: I want to make a note, by the way, if
Speaker 1: you are somebody who had a poor sexual experience, don't
Speaker 1: let somebody else just say get back on you got this,
Speaker 1: you got this. Make sure they're the right person. It's
Speaker 1: a it's very important. Um. That was my quick side notegreed.
Speaker 1: So so here's something that I want to bring up
Speaker 1: as well, because I know that, unfortunately, there is a
Speaker 1: reality in this world that your first time isn't anything
Speaker 1: that you had hoped for it. It could be something
Speaker 1: that was maybe not fully your choice or full your decision,
Speaker 1: or something that really tarnished something that's supposed to be
Speaker 1: special for you. And um, there's this phrase that I've
Speaker 1: heard which is like reclaiming your first time so that
Speaker 1: you can have it the way that you want to.
Speaker 1: Can you say anything that speaks to that? Absolutely? A
Speaker 1: couple of things. One is I'm a huge fan of
Speaker 1: doovers and being able to say, you know what, that
Speaker 1: the way it went down didn't work, and so I
Speaker 1: am making I'm claiming a do over and then and
Speaker 1: I wanted to go like this and this is where
Speaker 1: I wanted to happen. And I'm much just talking about
Speaker 1: first time with sex. It can be anything, so do over. Um.
Speaker 1: And the other thing is that the words we use
Speaker 1: to describe it, like losing your virginity or like I
Speaker 1: gave something away and all of that kind of stuff,
Speaker 1: like your body is yours, your sexuality is yours. Nobody
Speaker 1: can take that from you. So even if you had
Speaker 1: a negative experience, it's still yours. You choose what you
Speaker 1: want to share with somebody. But the reclaiming is to
Speaker 1: remember that you belong to yourself. We The only only
Speaker 1: thing I even want to add to that is that
Speaker 1: there is no expiration date for that either, Like, as
Speaker 1: you're saying this, I'm like, it could be you could
Speaker 1: be seventy million, you could be a hundred partners deep,
Speaker 1: or you could be like whatever, and you can go
Speaker 1: you know what, I'm actually gonna go back and switch
Speaker 1: that first one. We did it on this pot. We
Speaker 1: did it on this podcast, you know, Karen, Like, we've
Speaker 1: done podcast episodes since like over a year ago, and
Speaker 1: we've reclaimed it, and I'm sure that the first podcast
Speaker 1: episode we do is not going to be the first
Speaker 1: podcast episode we've ever done. So if you're listening to
Speaker 1: this and there's any first time in your life, whether
Speaker 1: it's writing a roller coaster, falling in love, eating you know,
Speaker 1: pickles and jelly sandwich, whatever it is, if you want
Speaker 1: that time back, it is your time. It is your body,
Speaker 1: it's your life, it's your decision, your sexuality, your stomach,
Speaker 1: whatever it is that you want to redo as that
Speaker 1: first time or reclaim and have your opportunity and have
Speaker 1: that experience the way you wanted to go fucking do it,
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna say the effort though. I have one
Speaker 1: last question and then I want to open it up
Speaker 1: to you because something that keeps going through my mind is, yes,
Speaker 1: my first sexual experience wasn't as like meaningful or especial.
Speaker 1: I've had so many others with with people who I
Speaker 1: truly love, and I have that moment that's like, this
Speaker 1: is what the first time was supposed to be? Like, right,
Speaker 1: if you're doing something for that hundredth time or you
Speaker 1: know whatever, you know tenth time for me, Um, how
Speaker 1: do you recreate that excitement? How do you rebuild it?
Speaker 1: Or I guess what's a good mindset to have so
Speaker 1: that you can still experience something special and experience something
Speaker 1: and really hold that same kind of value that you
Speaker 1: would have held if it was the first time. I
Speaker 1: love this question because this is like I'm successful. Marriage
Speaker 1: secret is like you have to shake it up, mix
Speaker 1: it up, make it fun, and make it new. You know.
Speaker 1: It's like instead of like we do it the same
Speaker 1: way every single time, at the same day, every single week,
Speaker 1: and it's fifteen minutes and then we're done, Like of
Speaker 1: course it's going to get boring. So that's a long time.
Speaker 1: That is a long time that might that might not
Speaker 1: make it to the podcast, but I had to. I
Speaker 1: was like, what are you guys doing for thirteen and
Speaker 1: a half minutes? Um? But bringing something um, you know,
Speaker 1: to bring playfulness, to bring mystery, to bring excitement, to
Speaker 1: bring newness right like to something um you know, the
Speaker 1: people often are trying to create rea create a first
Speaker 1: time and maybe we'll get into this later, not just
Speaker 1: the first time you had sex, because like it's you know,
Speaker 1: the beginning and like that that um primitive animal thrill
Speaker 1: where you just want to do it all the time.
Speaker 1: Like sometimes that uh fade's a little bit and then
Speaker 1: people feel bad about themselves or they wonder what does
Speaker 1: that mean for the relationship. But um, bringing some sense
Speaker 1: of newness can really make a difference, like oh, we're
Speaker 1: gonna go into a different room, or we're gonna experiment
Speaker 1: with something we've never done before, or talk about fantasy. Um, Karen,
Speaker 1: before we take a quick break, is there anything else
Speaker 1: that you want to point out about first times? Any input,
Speaker 1: even if it's just as a as an adult who's
Speaker 1: lived life, If it's not as a therapist, UM that
Speaker 1: that you want to point out about either the importance
Speaker 1: or the lack thereof of the first time. If there
Speaker 1: is one thing, only one thing that I could change
Speaker 1: out of first times that were, um, we're not positive experiences,
Speaker 1: I would say, if we can take the shame out, M,
Speaker 1: that would be so powerful and transformative, because the shame
Speaker 1: is the feeling of shame that people have that says
Speaker 1: not just what I did is bad, but I am bad.
Speaker 1: That well is corrosive. It will eat you alive, it
Speaker 1: will kill you. So if I could change one thing,
Speaker 1: I would say, we have to let go of a
Speaker 1: shame for real, though, I think that there should be
Speaker 1: no shame. You should just own every you know, own
Speaker 1: every little bit of it, and and make it yours.
Speaker 1: You know, the more that you make it yours, the
Speaker 1: less power you give somebody else to hold it above
Speaker 1: you or over you. Right. That distinction between I wish
Speaker 1: I hadn't done that versus I am a piece of
Speaker 1: ship because I did that. That's the distinction. M. I
Speaker 1: love that. I love that. Well, we're gonna take a
Speaker 1: quick break. When we come back. I get the power
Speaker 1: of two of my favorite women to come on this
Speaker 1: podcast and we're talking about other first time So don't
Speaker 1: go anywhere. We are back. This is the final segment
Speaker 1: of Let's get into It. This is the episode where
Speaker 1: we're talking about first times. And it's actually been crazy
Speaker 1: how this this this range in which we've talked about
Speaker 1: first times. I didn't even expect for it, you know,
Speaker 1: and as you gave us a very vivid story, that's
Speaker 1: what I'm here for, which is so beautiful because I
Speaker 1: think women taking back that that power of yeah, this
Speaker 1: is what I did and this is what happened, and
Speaker 1: that ship was tight. That's to me. That level of
Speaker 1: confidence is what I hope, you know, we can inspire
Speaker 1: and women all over the world and something that you
Speaker 1: definitely do as a as a confident woman yourself. And
Speaker 1: then Karen, we had a beautiful conversation about like the
Speaker 1: value of first times, and it opened my eyes up
Speaker 1: to Yeah, there are some of those, like first times
Speaker 1: like sex, or like the first time that you have
Speaker 1: somebody look at you a certain way, or the first
Speaker 1: time you show some buddy your body. But then there's
Speaker 1: also first times like riding a bike or like eating
Speaker 1: a sandwich or you know, giving your niece an Oreo
Speaker 1: milkshake from Jack in the Box, like, and this isn't sponsored,
Speaker 1: by the way, but Jack in the Box, if you
Speaker 1: do want to send me an Oreo milkshake, please, I
Speaker 1: will tell you my address. And it made me actually
Speaker 1: want to use this segment a little bit more to
Speaker 1: talk about more of those first times that are mixture
Speaker 1: of both. So I have a couple of questions in
Speaker 1: which I want to kind of just do a round
Speaker 1: table talking about for certain first times. And the first
Speaker 1: one is something that I actually felt, not for the
Speaker 1: first time, but I've been feeling a lot more recently.
Speaker 1: And I think Karen and as a both of you
Speaker 1: as as UM equal rights advocates can also share this.
Speaker 1: This feeling with me is the first time that you
Speaker 1: felt like you had a purpose, and it's something that
Speaker 1: like to me, I think back on the first time
Speaker 1: I felt, man, I have a real purpose, and it
Speaker 1: was singing in church as a kid, Like I remember, man,
Speaker 1: how old was I think I might have been seven,
Speaker 1: and I was in Las Vegas and I was singing
Speaker 1: in a church and the church that I grew up in.
Speaker 1: You do not it's not like an applause clapping you know,
Speaker 1: like I love going to church with like I loved
Speaker 1: growing up. I loved going to church with my friends
Speaker 1: because it's like clapping, and it's pianos and origins and
Speaker 1: choirs and it's like everybody's pitching in not the church
Speaker 1: that I grew up in. UM. The one that I
Speaker 1: grew up in was all about um reverence and practicing
Speaker 1: that you know, a very calm exactly. And and uh
Speaker 1: and I remember feeling purposeful because I went to this
Speaker 1: church and uh and I and I sang a song
Speaker 1: and instead of being reverend afterwards, everybody did clap. And
Speaker 1: I thought to myself, why did everybody just clap when
Speaker 1: you first feel that? You're like, what is this feeling?
Speaker 1: Why do I feel like a like a night riding
Speaker 1: on a horse and like leading an army? And I
Speaker 1: was like, oh man, that's purpose. And I look back
Speaker 1: at I might not have even thought that as a kid.
Speaker 1: I just look back at that, and I'm like, man,
Speaker 1: that is definitely feeling purposeful. So, Karen, do you do
Speaker 1: you remember the first time that you felt like, oh man,
Speaker 1: I have a purpose. The memory that comes to mind
Speaker 1: is also UM related to spirituality, interestingly, and that is um.
Speaker 1: When I was five years old and my parents sent
Speaker 1: me to Jewish summer camp, and to make a very
Speaker 1: long story short, um, I remember walking onto the grounds
Speaker 1: of that camp and going inside the building, and I
Speaker 1: had this feeling that I couldn't put into words. It
Speaker 1: was like a mystical experience. And it was really not
Speaker 1: cool as a kid to like religious anything, and my
Speaker 1: family was not religious at all, so it was kind
Speaker 1: of like my secret. Like I loved it. I only
Speaker 1: lived like two blocks away, so I used to like
Speaker 1: walk down there by myself and like sit inside the sanctuary.
Speaker 1: And but it was more like not a purpose of
Speaker 1: this is what I am supposed to be or become,
Speaker 1: because I was too little to really under stand up.
Speaker 1: But it was this the feeling of being connected to that.
Speaker 1: I'm going to call it the divine purpose or your
Speaker 1: truth to your truth, the feeling of it. And I'm
Speaker 1: like pointing at my stomach as I say it, because
Speaker 1: I can still feel that feeling. I think that's something
Speaker 1: to note too for first times, especially with purpose is
Speaker 1: it doesn't mean like, Okay, you find a purpose and
Speaker 1: it's like this is what I must do for the
Speaker 1: rest of my life. You know, I think for me
Speaker 1: at least, I know one of my biggest purposes in
Speaker 1: life is to do the right thing, and so I
Speaker 1: always try and do the right thing always, And so
Speaker 1: it could be as simple as just at one point
Speaker 1: I did the right thing. It might not have been
Speaker 1: that because I was singing is my purpose. Singing is
Speaker 1: my purpose. It could be that I was singing and
Speaker 1: it was doing the right thing at the right time,
Speaker 1: and that's why I felt that purpose. But like it
Speaker 1: could be serving a higher purpose that you don't even
Speaker 1: recognize yet. As a not not to put any pressure
Speaker 1: on you, but we got two big old purposes right here.
Speaker 1: Do you remember the first time that you felt like
Speaker 1: you had a good purpose? Yeah, I mean I was
Speaker 1: also young, I was five, and I think it it
Speaker 1: was definitely the first time I stepped foot on the stage.
Speaker 1: For me, um, mainly just because there's no feeling like
Speaker 1: it and just like like Karen, like you said, many
Speaker 1: pointers to your stomach, there's no real there's no words
Speaker 1: to put in, Alex. You know this obviously, but there's
Speaker 1: no words for like the feeling of like being on
Speaker 1: stage and people just like I don't know, reciprocating your
Speaker 1: talent and you know, and you just feel. I just
Speaker 1: felt like that's when I knew that I fell in love,
Speaker 1: and like that's when I was like, Okay, I meant
Speaker 1: to entertain. But it wasn't until I think going on
Speaker 1: a trip to Columbia with my family and you know,
Speaker 1: kind of seeing firsthand how my family out there is
Speaker 1: living versus how I'm living, and then I already knew
Speaker 1: that I was meant to be on the stage. I
Speaker 1: already knew that I was meant to perform and whatever.
Speaker 1: But then I think that was the moment that I knew.
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, I meant to do this for them.
Speaker 1: I meant to. I meant to. I'm yeah, I meant to.
Speaker 1: There's a because no one of my family things, which
Speaker 1: is really weird for me. It came out and R No,
Speaker 1: there's no cousins, there's no even like ancestry, there's no
Speaker 1: one that can sing. So the fact that like I
Speaker 1: would say, like God gave me the gift, I guess, um,
Speaker 1: I know that I was meant to put it for
Speaker 1: a higher purpose. Wow, that's exactly what I'm talking about.
Speaker 1: I mean, it's literally like you don't have to be
Speaker 1: doing the exact thing in which your purpose is fulfilling.
Speaker 1: But you also kind of ruined my next question for
Speaker 1: the round table. No, no, it's actually it's perfect. You
Speaker 1: just answered it before I got the chance to ask it.
Speaker 1: Because um as we, you know, the three of us,
Speaker 1: fight for equality and justice for everybody, whether it be
Speaker 1: you know we're closing out Pride month right now, whether
Speaker 1: it be we are you know, we're continuing this fight
Speaker 1: for racial equality and trying to reform the excessive force
Speaker 1: that is used by UM by police, and we're actively
Speaker 1: fighting for these things. I think it would I would
Speaker 1: be remiss, especially if I didn't also recognize that we
Speaker 1: do live in a country where we are allowed to
Speaker 1: protest these things, where we are allowed to actually make
Speaker 1: a change, where we have the opportunity to really fight
Speaker 1: for change, which is very rare in the rest of
Speaker 1: the world. There are some countries like Yemen, and countries
Speaker 1: like um even even countries in South America in which
Speaker 1: you are not allowed to even voice your opinion or
Speaker 1: else you will reach maximum punishment. When was the first
Speaker 1: time that you experienced that culture shock that made you go, wow,
Speaker 1: I really do live in one of the most and
Speaker 1: I don't like using best anymore because our country is
Speaker 1: showing its true colors. But I do really live in
Speaker 1: one of the most Um. Free is the word free,
Speaker 1: not not even that free if you can't walk down
Speaker 1: the street. But maybe I don't know if there's another
Speaker 1: word and that comes to your mind for this, but
Speaker 1: we do live in a country in which we are
Speaker 1: allowed to fight for what's right. Uh. When was the
Speaker 1: first time, maybe then that you just you went to
Speaker 1: another country or you experienced another culture and you thought
Speaker 1: to yourself, Uh, this is definitely not what I'm used
Speaker 1: to I know for me, Um, I'm trying to think.
Speaker 1: The first time I traveled out of the country was
Speaker 1: when I was eighteen years old, where I met ocean
Speaker 1: guys full circle. But what was the biggest shock was
Speaker 1: like the advancement and technologies that we had, and the
Speaker 1: advancements that we had as a country, um, you know,
Speaker 1: with WiFi, with cell phone service, with just the way
Speaker 1: that we treated each other. I remember going to um,
Speaker 1: like going to like regular marts in Europe and seeing
Speaker 1: them like be so much kind of kinder without earning
Speaker 1: the kindness, Like kindness was automatically given. I remember I
Speaker 1: lost my phone in Italy. I left it in a
Speaker 1: bathroom and it was like a brand new iPhone because
Speaker 1: I remember getting it because I got paid for the
Speaker 1: first time and uh, and I got this brand new iPhone,
Speaker 1: left it in the bathroom, went back an hour and
Speaker 1: a half later, and the guy at the store was like, yeah,
Speaker 1: somebody gave this to me and said you left it
Speaker 1: in the bathroom Like that. Just that level of kind
Speaker 1: of integrity, UM, that made me. You know, some things
Speaker 1: were amazing, like yeah, the WiFi is shitty in Europe,
Speaker 1: there's nothing you can do about it. Um. But at
Speaker 1: the same time, like people are naturally nicer, there is
Speaker 1: no UM. It is all like an individual kind of
Speaker 1: mindset here in America and out there it's a very
Speaker 1: collective mindset. So it's what's best for our country, what's
Speaker 1: best for us as a people, and everybody acts on that. UM.
Speaker 1: So for me, that was one of the biggest culture
Speaker 1: shocks that I had, which was the first time that
Speaker 1: I left the country. UM. But uh, as I know
Speaker 1: you had mentioned going to uh Columbia for the first
Speaker 1: time and experiencing your family and realizing that gave you
Speaker 1: a purpose. Can you expand on that yeah, obviously it's
Speaker 1: very different out there. My family is obviously living in
Speaker 1: a completely different, um, no, different life than I am. Um.
Speaker 1: But mainly I think what really hit home was I
Speaker 1: have a cousin who is in a kind of mental institute.
Speaker 1: And when I say mental institute, out there, it's it's
Speaker 1: like a camp. There's no really like indoors like it's
Speaker 1: it's very um it's a camp. It's a camp. And
Speaker 1: I think visiting that for the first time at such
Speaker 1: a young age, I was like, these kids don't deserve
Speaker 1: to be living like this, you know, they need better care. Um,
Speaker 1: you know. And I've always maded a goal that you know,
Speaker 1: I donate all the time there. And I think having
Speaker 1: another re culture shock this past November or September, I
Speaker 1: was in India, UM on a trip with the Meta
Speaker 1: Wee Foundation. I'm not sure if anyone's aware with me
Speaker 1: to Wee, but um we basically went out there and
Speaker 1: I got to experience like the women in Kenya are
Speaker 1: the women in India? Sorry and um because me to
Speaker 1: we also works in Kenya and I got to live
Speaker 1: their life for a few days, like we from morning
Speaker 1: till night got to experience their life and I got
Speaker 1: to talk with some of the kids and it's crazy, man,
Speaker 1: it's it's it really puts everything into perspective. And I've
Speaker 1: I've never complained about anything in my life since that trip,
Speaker 1: you know, and it just it really makes you want to,
Speaker 1: you know, do more. And I have a I have
Speaker 1: an interesting question to ask you because of that, because
Speaker 1: obviously you had mentioned like it's obviously changed the way
Speaker 1: that you think about things because you had the opportunity
Speaker 1: to live their real life. If you had the opportunity
Speaker 1: to do it again, to maybe learn more or to
Speaker 1: just experience it again, would you do the same thing,
Speaker 1: and would you do it the same way? Yes, I'd
Speaker 1: probably stayed longer we were we were only it was
Speaker 1: very short. It was for a week. Um. I wish
Speaker 1: I would have been there for months. Um. And I
Speaker 1: have I've spoken to me to we and I do
Speaker 1: want to go back with them, maybe a different country, um,
Speaker 1: and for longer. And UM yeah, I mean I came
Speaker 1: back from that trip and told so many stories. I mean,
Speaker 1: even just being able to sit down and not even
Speaker 1: in the sense of like, um, their quality of life.
Speaker 1: It was just even like uh, for example, like we
Speaker 1: got to sit down with I think it was like
Speaker 1: ten women and we had a translator there and they
Speaker 1: were like, are you guys is married And we were
Speaker 1: like no. And they were completely shocked by that. And
Speaker 1: they were like, do you have kids? And I was
Speaker 1: like no, and they were completely just thrown off because
Speaker 1: all these women were married off at twelve years old
Speaker 1: and they all have like five or six kids. UM.
Speaker 1: And so I think I definitely would want to go
Speaker 1: back and and definitely stay for a way longer period
Speaker 1: of time. UM. Just so important, yeah, oh yeah, It's
Speaker 1: so important for us to to to learn more about
Speaker 1: the rest of the world, not only so that we
Speaker 1: can experience and and learn how privileged we are truly,
Speaker 1: but also to learn I guess like hearing things like
Speaker 1: that almost inspires me to want to fight more for
Speaker 1: for women's rights, for the freedom of every human being,
Speaker 1: and and the freedom that every human being has the
Speaker 1: same opportunity to make their own decisions in life, whether
Speaker 1: that be the lgbt Q plus community, people of color, immigrants, um,
Speaker 1: him in, any anybody who's at a disadvantage currently. I
Speaker 1: think by understanding how bad it is and other parts
Speaker 1: of the world, we have to before we can help
Speaker 1: them prove that we can do it ourselves, and then
Speaker 1: we can go out and continue to help continue to
Speaker 1: help change the rest of the world. But if it
Speaker 1: doesn't start here in our home, in our country, then
Speaker 1: it's going to be hard to to convince other people
Speaker 1: to believe what we believe, if our country doesn't believe. Yeah,
Speaker 1: because it's one thing to read about it, right, read
Speaker 1: a Twitter, go through the hashtags, but then actually living
Speaker 1: in actually seeing it like a foot away from you.
Speaker 1: Like obviously not everyone on the planet is going to
Speaker 1: be able to just travel to, you know, a foreign
Speaker 1: country and do that. But it I hope you know,
Speaker 1: it's something that I wish everyone could do um because
Speaker 1: it really does. It makes it makes a huge, a
Speaker 1: huge difference for sure. Karen, You're like one of the
Speaker 1: most cultured people I've ever met, Like you literally, I
Speaker 1: I you have experienced so many things. What do you
Speaker 1: have to add to I guess like nass experience, my experience,
Speaker 1: any experiences that you have of your own in which
Speaker 1: it's this real battle, honestly of recognizing how privileged we
Speaker 1: are while we are currently in one of the most
Speaker 1: important fights, at least for our generation definitely, Um, what
Speaker 1: do you do anything you have to add to that.
Speaker 1: I'm so glad you asked the question because as I
Speaker 1: was listening to the two of you, I was thinking
Speaker 1: about what it's actually like in the United States and
Speaker 1: that everybody's experience of quote unquote being a US citizen
Speaker 1: is not the same and is very different. And so
Speaker 1: there what we're doing right now, to go back to
Speaker 1: what we were saying earlier, in a way, is a
Speaker 1: reclaiming and a do over by uncovering things that have
Speaker 1: been there for a long time, that need to be
Speaker 1: changed and that have needed to be changed for a
Speaker 1: long time. And so there is a way of maybe
Speaker 1: when we go to another country, we can we see
Speaker 1: it through more like a tourist size, or we bring
Speaker 1: a kind of open minded curiosity, a respectful curiosity, like, oh,
Speaker 1: this is so different from my experience, But if you
Speaker 1: just drive like five miles from your house, there's somebody
Speaker 1: who's experience is very different from yours. And how do
Speaker 1: we bring that sense of um like lift lifting up
Speaker 1: the dignity of every person and making sure that every
Speaker 1: aspect of our society reflects that dignity. That is what
Speaker 1: I feel like we are being called to question right now. Wow? Yeah, absolutely,
Speaker 1: And I think that that's like you know, UM, I
Speaker 1: know that this conversation kind of switched a little bit,
Speaker 1: and I want to bring it back to first times,
Speaker 1: but this might be you know, we're fighting for a
Speaker 1: first time. You know, we are fighting for a first time,
Speaker 1: that that all people really receive equal treatment, that all
Speaker 1: people are receiving equal justice, equal rights. Uh. And and
Speaker 1: I think that's why it's so important. Like you said,
Speaker 1: you don't have to fly to the other side of
Speaker 1: the world to experience other cultures to receive culture shock.
Speaker 1: You can just look outside your window or take a
Speaker 1: couple of steps outside of your comfort zone and find that. Um,
Speaker 1: that experience and a lot of the things you'll experience
Speaker 1: for the first time. UM, I have one last first
Speaker 1: time just for fun, so we can lighten it before
Speaker 1: we close the show out. One was the first time
Speaker 1: you ate sushi because it's my favorite food. It's my
Speaker 1: favorite food too. I remember having sushi for the very
Speaker 1: first time, and it's so gross. It was supermark I mean,
Speaker 1: the sushi was good, but the story is gross. It
Speaker 1: was supermarket sushi in my eighth grade school buildings like Jim,
Speaker 1: Like one of one of my friends had, um had
Speaker 1: like supermarket sushi that their parents put in their pack lunch, which,
Speaker 1: by the way, sat in their locker for the first
Speaker 1: half of the day. We were sitting in the gym
Speaker 1: post workouts, and he was like, you want to try
Speaker 1: to buy it this sushi and I was like, yeah, sure,
Speaker 1: I didn't. I want you know, happy ending. I didn't
Speaker 1: get sick, and I still love sushi. It's my favorite
Speaker 1: food to this day. Karen, when was the first time
Speaker 1: you had the lord's favorite food. It's blasphemous to say,
Speaker 1: It's very blasphemous to say, but it's insane that somebody
Speaker 1: could love a food more than sushi. Maybe pizza, but
Speaker 1: definitely sushish. I knew as soon as you mentioned see
Speaker 1: archin earlier that we were eventually going to get to sushi.
Speaker 1: You know, I love food, Karen, I do. Um. The
Speaker 1: first I totally remember the first time I ate sushi
Speaker 1: was on Christmas Eve with my dad. I think I
Speaker 1: was like in my second year of college and um,
Speaker 1: this was like I'm going to show my age right now.
Speaker 1: So this was probably like in the early eighties. It
Speaker 1: was before sushi was really as mainstream like in American culture,
Speaker 1: like the way it is now. And I remember thinking, like,
Speaker 1: this may be the most amazing food I have ever
Speaker 1: eaten in my entire life. And I was like just
Speaker 1: me and my dad, which was also like made it
Speaker 1: really ashal and um, And yeah, it was amazing. It's
Speaker 1: so good. I loves whoa. Yeah, tell me the first
Speaker 1: time that you tasted the heaven and the Sea the
Speaker 1: heavens se um. My first time was. And it's funny
Speaker 1: because it really is my favorite food. Like my parents
Speaker 1: would bribe me with sushi sometimes, like if you finish
Speaker 1: your homework, you can go get sushi, Like that was
Speaker 1: like the thing growing up. But my first time, um,
Speaker 1: having sushi was at a buffet that was like one
Speaker 1: of my family's favorite things to do was going to
Speaker 1: buffets on the weekend. But there was this one particular
Speaker 1: buffet that it's actually closed now, but we would go
Speaker 1: there like almost every other weekend, and well, everyone else
Speaker 1: in the family would have like different things on their plate.
Speaker 1: My plate was always just stocked. I don't know how
Speaker 1: I feel about buffet sushi, but I'm gonna let you
Speaker 1: rack with it. It was it was so good, so good. Yeah, yeah, guys,
Speaker 1: sushi is my favorite and there's no better way to
Speaker 1: end this podcast than talking about sushi. This podcast literally
Speaker 1: turned into talking about everything on earth while still managing
Speaker 1: to handle all of them, tying into having your first
Speaker 1: time experiences with things. I appreciate both of you, Karen
Speaker 1: as a you both your openness and honesty and talking
Speaker 1: about life. It's so it's so amazing, But unfortunately the
Speaker 1: time is closing out, so we got to close this
Speaker 1: baby up. Thank you so much both of you for
Speaker 1: coming in. And it's my favorite time. It's time for
Speaker 1: the Not So Shameless Self Promo, which is its official name,
Speaker 1: is what I'm gonna call it. Karen start us off
Speaker 1: withss of not So Shameless self Promo. Excellent. You can
Speaker 1: find me on Instagram or Twitter at k e replenish,
Speaker 1: or my website Karen earl coman dot com. Yeah, and ASA,
Speaker 1: give me some n s SP. That sounds so gross,
Speaker 1: that sounds like the grossest thing. Yeah. And then I
Speaker 1: took her to dinner, and then we went to get
Speaker 1: some dessert, and then I got that n SSP. Baby
Speaker 1: They're not So Shameless promo. Um, give me, give me
Speaker 1: some not so shameless promo. Um, you can find me
Speaker 1: on Instagram at baby Neza and on YouTube dot com
Speaker 1: slash Neza. Nice and give us the name of the
Speaker 1: person you're dating now yikes. Next podcast? Oh, well, you
Speaker 1: know you can always find me at alex ion O
Speaker 1: ai O n oh, it's the best part about having
Speaker 1: a very very unique last name. I love you guys,
Speaker 1: Thank you for listening. We'll see you next time. We
Speaker 1: really want you to get the help you need, so
Speaker 1: if you need help, please seek independent advice from a
Speaker 1: competent healthcare or mental health professional. The views and opinions
Speaker 1: expressed in this podcast are solely those of the podcast
Speaker 1: author or individuals participating in the podcast, and do not
Speaker 1: represent the opinions of I Heart Media or its employees.
Speaker 1: This podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental
Speaker 1: health advice, counseling, or therapy. Listening to the podcast does
Speaker 1: not established doctor patient relationship with hosts or guests of
Speaker 1: alex IONO Let's Get Into It or I Heart Media.
Speaker 1: No guarantee is given regarding the accuracy of any statements
Speaker 1: our opinions made on this podcast. Wolf That's a Doozy