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Speaker 1: Good. All right, break it down.

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Speaker 2: If you ever have feelings that you just won't Amy

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Speaker 2: and Cat gotcha, Covin locking no brother, the lady's folks,

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Speaker 2: do you just.

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Speaker 3: Follow Anna spirit where it's all.

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Speaker 2: The front and real stuff, to the chill stuff.

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Speaker 1: And to him.

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Speaker 3: But Swayne, sometimes the best thing you can do it

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Speaker 3: jes style to feel things. This is feeling things.

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Speaker 1: With Amy and Cat. Happy Thursday, feeling things. I'm Amy,

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Speaker 1: then I'm Cat. And today's the day. We're finally here.

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Speaker 1: We're starting our four part series on the four Horsemen

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Speaker 1: from John gottm And what's crazy to me is when

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Speaker 1: he was doing this research, you were telling me he

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Speaker 1: could tell with ninety percent accuracy if a couple was

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Speaker 1: going to succeed or fail based on their communication styles.

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Speaker 1: And we're going to dive into the first horseman, which

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Speaker 1: is criticism, which is a communication style. And well it's

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Speaker 1: like we'll call it a little deep dive. And two,

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Speaker 1: this is a four part series. Our first deep dive

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Speaker 1: was dedicated to Mel Robbins let them. So this is

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Speaker 1: not so much a person, it's a thing. Yeah, So

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Speaker 1: this is our deep dives are not always going to

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Speaker 1: be people.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: And this is hopefully helpful to people that they can

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Speaker 2: either recognize this in somebody else and say like, oh,

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Speaker 2: I don't like that, or they can recognize this in

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Speaker 2: themselves and say, oh, I don't like that about me.

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Speaker 3: I want to work to change that.

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Speaker 1: When I was reading over some of the I keep

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Speaker 1: picturing like a critical person riding a horse, maybe because

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Speaker 1: it's horsemen, but I was like, oh, I've dabbled on

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Speaker 1: that horse before. I know for sure I have behaved

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Speaker 1: this way in my seventeen year marriage. I think as

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Speaker 1: a parent, I've even used the word you always do this,

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Speaker 1: which I know that my child isn't always doing that,

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Speaker 1: and so I recognize myself in this. But thankfully, like

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Speaker 1: my entire personality, I'm not like riding that horse every day.

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Speaker 3: Just sometimes you accidentally get on it and then you're like,

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Speaker 3: oh yeah, I'm like I don't want me here.

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Speaker 1: Yeah yeah. But before we get into criticism, let's do

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Speaker 1: our feeling of the day, which is from Kat. And

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Speaker 1: I'm eager to know what's going on because all you

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Speaker 1: told me was that you had a story, and I

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Speaker 1: know that you're feeling a particular way, but I have

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Speaker 1: no idea why.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm like chomping at the bit to talk about this.

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Speaker 2: This happened a couple days ago. This is a follow

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Speaker 2: up to something that I talked about on the Fifth

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Speaker 2: Thing years ago.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I think I also knew it was a follow up,

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Speaker 1: but I was thinking like a follow up from a

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Speaker 1: couple of months ago. So you're talking like.

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Speaker 3: Way that twenty twenty three.

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Speaker 1: Probably okay, So shout out to loyal listeners.

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Speaker 2: Because they probably some of them are going to remember,

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Speaker 2: like I remember when she said that, and they probably

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Speaker 2: were shocked. I'm feeling let's start with my feelings and

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Speaker 2: feeling angry and feeling resentful. I'm feeling a little bit

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Speaker 2: of I keep wanting to call it shame, but I

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Speaker 2: think it's more like I have angered towards something else,

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Speaker 2: and I also have a little bit of anger and

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Speaker 2: disappointment towards myself. I don't have to figure out what

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Speaker 2: I need yet, but right now what I want is revenge,

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Speaker 2: and I know that's probably not one I don't know

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Speaker 2: how I would get revenge into, Like, once I process this,

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Speaker 2: it's probably not going to be what I actually need.

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Speaker 1: So, which is so mature review because sometimes we can

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Speaker 1: be so reactionary, and you may go for that revenge

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Speaker 1: right away without processing and thinking it through.

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Speaker 3: And so oh, I told my husband, good job, thank you.

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Speaker 2: I told my husband, I'm gonna find a way to

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Speaker 2: write an anonymous Google review because there's nothing I want

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Speaker 2: more than to like take this person's rating down.

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Speaker 3: And then I thought about it and I said, that's

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Speaker 3: not who I want to be. So I didn't do it.

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Speaker 3: But it's okay that I had that urge. I just

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Speaker 3: didn't act on it.

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Speaker 2: For anybody that has had like an urge that doesn't

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Speaker 2: align with who they actually are. Also interesting, I'm not

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Speaker 2: going to name names here, but this person I did

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Speaker 2: look at their Google reviews and they have only five

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Speaker 2: star reviews, and I think that that's a hoax. Like

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Speaker 2: there has to be something they're doing today, Like.

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Speaker 1: They did anonymous emails to write good positive Google.

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Speaker 3: Now I think they've found a way to delete.

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Speaker 2: There's no way that nobody has given them anything other

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Speaker 2: than a five star review. Even the best of places

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Speaker 2: have somebody that gave them a four. Anyway, I would

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Speaker 2: give them zero, because well, no, they were good things

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Speaker 2: about them anyway. Years ago, do you remember me telling

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Speaker 2: you about me going to the dentist. Yes, I did

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Speaker 2: not go to the dentist for a couple of years because.

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Speaker 1: Well, okay, I can say what I remember about it,

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Speaker 1: and it's that he told you you had eleven cavities, yeah,

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Speaker 1: at one time.

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Speaker 2: And I'd never had a cavity before in your life,

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Speaker 2: in my life. And I was thirty three at the

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Speaker 2: time maybe, so now I hadn't been to the dentist

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Speaker 2: in like three or four years, so I went in

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Speaker 2: there being like one one of the reasons it took

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Speaker 2: me so long to go is because after I missed

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Speaker 2: one appointment, I know, I kept feeling more and more

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Speaker 2: a shame about like I've been to the dentists in

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Speaker 2: so long, and you know, the thing that we want

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Speaker 2: to do when we have anxiety is avoid and the

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Speaker 2: thing that makes anxiety worse is avoiding.

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Speaker 3: So I was in that paradox.

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Speaker 1: Do you floss every day?

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Speaker 3: We'll get to it.

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Speaker 1: Well, I guess I'm just curious because that's when I

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Speaker 1: get I guess I feel shame about going or I

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Speaker 1: feel like I'm gonna get called out because I try

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Speaker 1: to floss a lot. But I know that with a

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Speaker 1: deep cleaning at the dentist. It just gets plaque in

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Speaker 1: certain areas that I can't get and I know they're

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Speaker 1: gonna have to clean in a certain way. My gums

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Speaker 1: are gonna bleed and then they're gonna think I don't

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Speaker 1: take care of myself and I because I haven't been

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Speaker 1: in a little bit and I know I need to go.

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Speaker 1: And also I haven't been flossing as regularly as I like,

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Speaker 1: so I know in order to prep for my appointment,

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Speaker 1: I need to start flossing so that I can go

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Speaker 1: and not feel embarrassed and feel shame like oh, because

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Speaker 1: you know, they know right away and they're like, if

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Speaker 1: you you've been flossing a lot, and I'm like, oh yeah,

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Speaker 1: And you know, the minute they take that first little

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Speaker 1: piece of loss in there, they can see how your

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Speaker 1: gums are reacting and they're like, liar, Well, I.

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Speaker 2: Definitely f lost more leading up to my most recent

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Speaker 2: appointment than I usually do. But I floss at least

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Speaker 2: once a week, which is like, I think you're supposed

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Speaker 2: to do it every day.

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Speaker 1: I knew, okay, but once a week, no judgment.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, sorry, sorry. I was shocked by that though.

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Speaker 2: Well, because after this experience, you would think that I

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Speaker 2: would be flossing every day, right, But I also okay.

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Speaker 2: So I went to the dentist, to this person I

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Speaker 2: hadn't been in a while. I knew that I probably

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Speaker 2: would have something because I hadn't been in a while,

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Speaker 2: but I was not expecting them to tell me I had.

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Speaker 3: Eleven cavities after never having a cavity.

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Speaker 2: And every time I went to the dentist before that,

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Speaker 2: they'd be like, you have the best home care. Your

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Speaker 2: teeth are beautiful. So I'm like, wow, I thought I

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Speaker 2: had good home care. So when I'm not doing it

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Speaker 2: and I never had any pain in my teeth, nothing,

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Speaker 2: So they say eleven cavities, I'm like, okay, well I

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Speaker 2: guess I'll get them filled. And they had to do

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Speaker 2: it in three different appointments. I went to the first two,

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Speaker 2: whatever went to the third one, and they were like, ma'am,

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Speaker 2: your insurance isn't pain for these fillings, so we can't

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Speaker 2: do the live last three, but no big deal. Just

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Speaker 2: call your insurance, see what the problem is, and then

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Speaker 2: we'll schedule again. Schedule you again, and I said okay. Honestly,

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Speaker 2: thank God, I didn't want to get through more feelings today.

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Speaker 2: I call my insurance. I had signed up for pediatric

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Speaker 2: dental insurance, meaning for a children, right.

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Speaker 1: Whoop.

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Speaker 3: See yeah, so my dad also they shouldn't have let

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Speaker 3: me do that.

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Speaker 4: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: No, I'm like shocked that. They're like they know your age, right,

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Speaker 1: you have to give your birthday, yes, and they're like okay,

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Speaker 1: They're probably like this is above my pay grade. I

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Speaker 1: don't get paid enough to deal with this person's stupid

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Speaker 1: my money.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that dress was wild and also added to the

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Speaker 2: like I don't understand how insurance works and I'm confused,

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Speaker 2: so it just like made it and you can't I'm like,

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Speaker 2: I can't trust the people to say this is not

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Speaker 2: the plan for you anyway. So they were like, we

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Speaker 2: didn't pay for your feelings because we only cover feelings

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Speaker 2: for people under eighteen. It was thirty three, so I

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Speaker 2: didn't go back because I didn't have entrance at that time.

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Speaker 2: So I was gonna wait till I got married and

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Speaker 2: then got Patrick's insurance whatever. Well, then I started, I

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Speaker 2: think as more time went by, I started being like,

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Speaker 2: I don't think I had eleven cavities. One of my

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Speaker 2: best friend's dad is a dentist, and she was like

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Speaker 2: I bet they weren't. Like she said, I should have

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Speaker 2: gotten a second opinion, but that felt like a lot

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Speaker 2: because the last thing you want to do is you

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Speaker 2: go to get a second opinion and they're like, oh no,

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Speaker 2: you don't have eleven cavities, you have twelve.

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Speaker 1: Oh but well okay, So but did the friend's dad

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Speaker 1: that's a dentist. Was he saying that, because like, is

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Speaker 1: this a thing that some dentists do. It's a scam?

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Speaker 2: Yes, And my mom said she was like, well, that's

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Speaker 2: why we went to the dentist that we went to

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Speaker 2: growing up, because it was like growing up, the dentists

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Speaker 2: we went to was like kind of in like a

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Speaker 2: double wide. It wasn't like the nicest boys. Okay, and

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Speaker 2: it was in Franklin, but it was like.

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Speaker 1: They didn't have any certificates or anything, no degree.

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Speaker 3: They were very nice. They were very nice, very nice.

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Speaker 2: But she was like the reason we went there as

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Speaker 2: we went to a different dentist and they said that

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Speaker 2: you guys had all of these issues, So I went

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Speaker 2: and got a second opinion at this more like down

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Speaker 2: to earth. I would call them place and she was like,

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Speaker 2: and they said, you guys didn't need any of this.

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Speaker 3: And so the dentist that I.

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Speaker 2: Said that said I had eleven cavities is probably the

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Speaker 2: boogiest dentist I'd ever been to.

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Speaker 3: It was very fancy.

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Speaker 1: So they have bills to pay.

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Speaker 3: They had bills to pay. M hm, So so racket. Yes.

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Speaker 2: So then my friend's dad's she said, if you get

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Speaker 2: your X rays, I'll show them to my dad and

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Speaker 2: he can let you know.

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Speaker 3: But like again, it felt like a lot. I just

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Speaker 3: was avoiding it.

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Speaker 2: And then Patrick has never had a cavity, and so

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Speaker 2: I was like, well, I'm gonna go to your dentist

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Speaker 2: and see what they say. So I had to wait

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Speaker 2: to get on this insurance, and then it took almost

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Speaker 2: a year to get a new patient appointment with them.

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Speaker 2: So I've been waiting to get to that. I think

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Speaker 2: I made that appointment last November, and it was in September,

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Speaker 2: a week ago. So I go, and I'm really nervous

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Speaker 2: because I'm like, shoot, like what if I have five

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Speaker 2: cavities now? Or what if now I need a root

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Speaker 2: canal because I didn't get those fillings. And I go

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Speaker 2: and it's a very It's in an office building, not

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Speaker 2: a double wide, but it was a very down to

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Speaker 2: earth place.

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Speaker 3: So I was like, I think I'm gonna like it.

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Speaker 1: That's sort of rundown and falling apart. It's part.

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Speaker 3: It was like in the Green Hills.

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Speaker 2: It was like in a nice which of the other

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Speaker 2: place is in a nice area too. Anyway, I go

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Speaker 2: the hygienesis like, your teeth are beautiful?

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Speaker 3: Da da da do you flyss?

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Speaker 2: I was like once a week and she kind of

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Speaker 2: slapped me on the wrist and she's like, you know,

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Speaker 2: you're supposed to floss every day.

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Speaker 3: And I was like, once a week is doing a.

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Speaker 1: Lot for me.

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Speaker 2: But she said, you probably have the genes to not

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Speaker 2: get gum diusies or whatever. And she's like, some people

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Speaker 2: have the genes not to get cavities. And I was like, well,

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Speaker 2: I don't have those genes.

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Speaker 1: You're like, I have the Helen Keller gene.

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Speaker 3: Did you tell her that?

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Speaker 1: Said? Yeah.

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Speaker 2: She talked to me the whole time and I couldn't

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Speaker 2: talk back, and it was a very interesting experience. Anyway,

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Speaker 2: the dentist comes, she comes over and she's like, I've

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Speaker 2: looked at your X rays, your pictures, whatever. She's like,

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Speaker 2: your teeth look beautiful, nothing like to be concerned with

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Speaker 2: Do you have any questions for me? And I just

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Speaker 2: looked at her with my mouth agape.

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Speaker 3: Your mouth agape like open. She was like yes, and

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Speaker 3: I was like, so okay. I didn't want to bring

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Speaker 3: this up, but I left that you used that word

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Speaker 3: a gate. I've tried to better my vocabulary. I can

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Speaker 3: tell I love it. I said, okay.

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Speaker 2: Last, the reason I wanted to come here is because

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Speaker 2: I had a bad experience the last dentist I was

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Speaker 2: at where he said I had eleven cavities and I said,

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Speaker 2: I only got eight of them filled?

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Speaker 3: So do you mean that I give only as I

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Speaker 3: Basically we were like, she use.

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Speaker 1: The word only, I only got three of them filled.

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Speaker 1: You're like, I only got ten and a half of

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Speaker 1: them done.

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Speaker 3: Thank god. She's like, okay, well, let me look at

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Speaker 3: the pictures again.

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Speaker 2: And she was like, where were they And I said, well,

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Speaker 2: wherever there isn't a filling, that's where they were, because

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Speaker 2: the rest of my mouth is filled. And she was like, oh,

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Speaker 2: I see, and she was like, oh, this is not

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Speaker 2: of concern, and she said, we really look at this

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Speaker 2: as a baseline when you come back next year, when

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Speaker 2: we do pictures again. If there's a change, that still

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Speaker 2: doesn't mean that you need a filling. At that point,

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Speaker 2: we might just be more aggressive with whatever cleanings we do.

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Speaker 2: But she said, this also can go away with good

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Speaker 2: cleanings and flossing. You don't She was like, she said,

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Speaker 2: maybe I'm more conservative than other people, but there's no

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Speaker 2: need for a filling. And I said, well, I wish

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Speaker 2: I would have come back here three years ago, Like

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Speaker 2: can you believe it?

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Speaker 1: I mean, yeah, but yeah, that's sad, but sure it's

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Speaker 1: gonna put me on guard for like, when I'm in appointments,

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Speaker 1: I just trust what they're telling me because they're the experts. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: so I think my takeaways are I can't just trust

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Speaker 1: what they're telling me, especially if they have really nice furniture.

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Speaker 3: A hundred percent.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, if there's a fancy TV at every single chair,

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Speaker 2: they gotta pay.

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Speaker 3: This is the other thing too.

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Speaker 2: I had to pay for those feelings out of pocket

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Speaker 2: because then my insurance was not which I also was like,

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Speaker 2: this is y'all's fault. Y'all ran my insurance before I

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Speaker 2: got these. You gave me an estimate of what I

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Speaker 2: would pay. I paid that, and then you're asking me

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Speaker 2: for more money because you didn't do due diligence of

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Speaker 2: making sure that didn't have pediatric dental.

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Speaker 1: Sure. Wait, so can you get representation? And do you

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Speaker 1: mean to go to people's court honestly or judge judy

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Speaker 1: or like what like? Because I think that.

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Speaker 3: Don't you think I was taking advantage of you?

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Speaker 1: Absolutely were taking advantage of, especially if you didn't have

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Speaker 1: a love and cavities and then you were paying out

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Speaker 1: of pocket. Yeah, that part, I don't know. That's tragic

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Speaker 1: with your insurance company, but they ran my pediatric insurance, right,

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Speaker 1: I know. The whole thing is just a perfect storm

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Speaker 1: for a lot of money taken from you and time.

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Speaker 2: And because I don't understand this is where I think

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Speaker 2: that Also I'm disappointed myself that I get overwhelmed.

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Speaker 3: By things that I don't understand.

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Speaker 2: Instead of trying to understand things and educate myself, I

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00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:28,280
Speaker 2: just throw my hands up. So I just I did

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Speaker 2: like whittle them down to pay less than what they

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Speaker 2: were originally get trying to get me to pay. But

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Speaker 2: this was also like right around my wedding too, so

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Speaker 2: I was like overwhelmed with stuff and I just wanted

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Speaker 2: them to stop calling me asking me for money, so

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Speaker 2: I just ended up at the end of the day

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Speaker 2: paying it to be done with it.

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Speaker 3: But yeah, I think.

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Speaker 2: I'm angry and resentful because I'm like, you guys took

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Speaker 2: advantage of a young girl that you knew that I

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Speaker 2: didn't really know what I was talking about. And also

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Speaker 2: because I hadn't been to the dentist in that many years,

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Speaker 2: you knew that you could probably convince me that I

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Speaker 2: need did these things.

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Speaker 1: I feel like you need to walk back in there

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00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:07,320
Speaker 1: with your current dentist information, like get it in writing

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00:15:07,360 --> 00:15:10,920
Speaker 1: that you don't have cavities and this is not a concern,

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00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:13,520
Speaker 1: and sort of like, I know you've never seen pretty woman,

335
00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:16,880
Speaker 1: but she gets treated poorly at a store when she's shopping,

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Speaker 1: and then she gets her glow up and she goes

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00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:21,440
Speaker 1: and spends a bunch of money because she went in

338
00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:24,480
Speaker 1: there because she had cash to spend from Richard Gere.

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00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:28,560
Speaker 1: And then she goes gets all dressed up, she looks

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00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:30,480
Speaker 1: really nice, walks in with all these bags, and the

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00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:32,840
Speaker 1: people working are like, oh, she's about to spend some money,

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00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:35,480
Speaker 1: let's be nice to her. Treat her completely different than

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Speaker 1: the first time she came in, and she's like big

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Speaker 1: mistake huge. I have to go shopping now, and she leaves.

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00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:45,040
Speaker 1: She's like, remember me. I feel like you should walk

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Speaker 1: in there and be like, hey, remember me, I have

347
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Speaker 1: no cavities.

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Speaker 3: I mean, I have the big mistake.

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Speaker 1: It's like I have to go to another Dennis now

350
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Speaker 1: less bougie.

351
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Speaker 2: But but you felt safer at the less bougie one

352
00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:03,160
Speaker 2: because I was like, the people feel down to earth, Like, yes,

353
00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:04,320
Speaker 2: people feel like it's.

354
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Speaker 3: Probably comfort from back in the day when you're in

355
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Speaker 3: the double wi.

356
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Speaker 2: But also they felt more like you know, sometimes, and

357
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Speaker 2: I don't even think that people do this on purpose,

358
00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:17,560
Speaker 2: but sometimes when you can feel less than somebody who

359
00:16:18,040 --> 00:16:20,040
Speaker 2: has a big degree or knows about something you don't

360
00:16:20,040 --> 00:16:22,320
Speaker 2: know about, and so you just I don't know. I

361
00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:24,480
Speaker 2: do that when I'm in spaces where I don't understand

362
00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:28,160
Speaker 2: things and people seem smarter than me. But in this experience,

363
00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:29,520
Speaker 2: I felt like I was on the same level as

364
00:16:29,520 --> 00:16:34,040
Speaker 2: the dentist, even though she knew way more about my

365
00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:38,560
Speaker 2: teeth than me. I also learned something. But I know

366
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Speaker 2: why I have a little bit of a lisp. Okay,

367
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:46,880
Speaker 2: why I have a tongue thrust. Oh that sounds dirty,

368
00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:50,200
Speaker 2: because I want to get tongue thrust. So I want

369
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Speaker 2: to get in visiline. To have a little gap in

370
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Speaker 2: my two front teeth, and I wanted to close it,

371
00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:57,720
Speaker 2: and she said, before you can do that, and what.

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Speaker 1: Well, I like your lisp like, I don't want you

373
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Speaker 1: to chick like I open.

374
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Speaker 3: The gap keeps getting bigger.

375
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Speaker 2: So if I don't ever get it fixed, then the

376
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Speaker 2: gap is going to continue to grow. Okay, that's the problem.

377
00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:11,960
Speaker 2: And so and she said, there's other things that it does.

378
00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:14,520
Speaker 2: And my teeth don't touch, Like I can't bite a

379
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Speaker 2: sandwich and pull it away.

380
00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:18,200
Speaker 3: My teeth don't come.

381
00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:21,119
Speaker 1: Together, So how do you eat a sandwich?

382
00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:22,240
Speaker 3: I have to use my tongue to like.

383
00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:24,240
Speaker 1: It.

384
00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:31,800
Speaker 2: So she said, if I just get in Visiline, I'll

385
00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:34,040
Speaker 2: be able to like fix my gap. But as soon

386
00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:35,800
Speaker 2: as I stop wearing it, the gap will come back.

387
00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:39,200
Speaker 2: Because my tongue. Normal people's tongue sits at the roof

388
00:17:39,240 --> 00:17:42,360
Speaker 2: of their mouth, Mine sits the front of my pushes

389
00:17:42,359 --> 00:17:44,760
Speaker 2: my teeth out, like when I swallow, it pushes my

390
00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:46,399
Speaker 2: teeth out. And she said, your tongue is a very

391
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:47,119
Speaker 2: strong muscle and.

392
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Speaker 3: It wins every time.

393
00:17:48,480 --> 00:17:51,320
Speaker 1: Wow, So I have to do tongue exercises, like, give

394
00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:52,520
Speaker 1: me an example of one.

395
00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:55,119
Speaker 2: She said, to get a thing of tick tacks and

396
00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:56,880
Speaker 2: take a tick tack and hold it on the roof

397
00:17:56,880 --> 00:17:59,840
Speaker 2: of my mouth until it dissolves, just to get my

398
00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:01,600
Speaker 2: tongue to start to remember.

399
00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:03,119
Speaker 1: To Do we have any idea of how long that takes?

400
00:18:03,119 --> 00:18:03,280
Speaker 4: Well?

401
00:18:03,280 --> 00:18:06,080
Speaker 2: I looked at her eyes head. That seems like that

402
00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:09,440
Speaker 2: would take a long time. She said, well, that's just it.

403
00:18:09,359 --> 00:18:09,879
Speaker 3: Is what it is.

404
00:18:10,080 --> 00:18:11,520
Speaker 1: Yeah, I bet you could do it while you're driving

405
00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:12,080
Speaker 1: or something.

406
00:18:12,240 --> 00:18:15,160
Speaker 2: And she said, pick like a object, like a doorknob

407
00:18:15,240 --> 00:18:18,280
Speaker 2: or something like that, and every time you see that doorknob,

408
00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:20,040
Speaker 2: ask yourself, where's my tongue sitting?

409
00:18:20,080 --> 00:18:21,480
Speaker 3: And like reposition your tongue.

410
00:18:22,119 --> 00:18:23,880
Speaker 1: Oh, like you have like promps around your house?

411
00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:26,320
Speaker 3: Yes, to like doorknob tongue. Where are you?

412
00:18:27,760 --> 00:18:31,240
Speaker 1: Where's my tongue? Yeah, my tongue thrust?

413
00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:33,959
Speaker 3: Do you say thrust? Thus thrust?

414
00:18:34,119 --> 00:18:35,840
Speaker 1: I don't want you to figure, I don't want you

415
00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:37,879
Speaker 1: to fix your tongue drust, but I get it. I

416
00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:41,600
Speaker 1: think your list is so cute. Oh, thank you, it's subtle. Thanks,

417
00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:43,439
Speaker 1: And I like your little gap in your teeth, But

418
00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:44,200
Speaker 1: I mean, I get it.

419
00:18:44,280 --> 00:18:46,440
Speaker 2: If it would just stay where it is, that's fine,

420
00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:49,359
Speaker 2: but in the last year or two it is growing

421
00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:50,160
Speaker 2: and growing and growing.

422
00:18:50,280 --> 00:18:52,200
Speaker 3: Yeah, so like one day.

423
00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:54,200
Speaker 1: I get it. I mean, you probably wouldn't to be

424
00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:56,439
Speaker 1: able to bite down on a sandwich awesome and not

425
00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:58,520
Speaker 1: have to use your tongue to wiggle it. Well, you

426
00:18:58,560 --> 00:19:00,399
Speaker 1: know something that you are an expert, and I know

427
00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:04,159
Speaker 1: you felt like less than at the dentist, well the

428
00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:07,840
Speaker 1: bougie one. But I'm thinking about how you, as a

429
00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:10,960
Speaker 1: therapist are very wise in your field. And I bet

430
00:19:11,080 --> 00:19:26,320
Speaker 1: your clients come into your space and feel welcome. I

431
00:19:26,359 --> 00:19:30,280
Speaker 1: bet your clients come into your space and feel welcome

432
00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:33,439
Speaker 1: and not less them and safe, less than and safe,

433
00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:35,600
Speaker 1: And I feel like you do a really good job

434
00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:37,720
Speaker 1: at that. And I'm excited for you to kind of

435
00:19:37,720 --> 00:19:41,240
Speaker 1: do that with us as we kick off criticism, because

436
00:19:41,240 --> 00:19:44,200
Speaker 1: you definitely know about it way more than I do.

437
00:19:44,359 --> 00:19:46,679
Speaker 1: So I'm ready to learn and talk about it with

438
00:19:46,760 --> 00:19:47,720
Speaker 1: you and I'm sure.

439
00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:49,280
Speaker 3: Be full transition.

440
00:19:49,560 --> 00:19:51,680
Speaker 1: Oh thanks, yeah, thanks job.

441
00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:54,920
Speaker 3: Okay, I don't say it like that, I know, I

442
00:19:54,920 --> 00:19:55,400
Speaker 3: don't know why.

443
00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:58,040
Speaker 1: I just did that to be like lightened, like in

444
00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:00,440
Speaker 1: the move a little bit well fun. I know you don't,

445
00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:03,359
Speaker 1: but it's so cute, but I get wanting to fix it.

446
00:20:03,359 --> 00:20:05,240
Speaker 1: It's fine, but I still I'll go back to you

447
00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:08,040
Speaker 1: with the dentists. I'll go to the bougie dentist with

448
00:20:08,080 --> 00:20:12,119
Speaker 1: you and be like yeah, I'll be like remember her

449
00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:15,639
Speaker 1: big mistake. Cute, and then we just walk out and

450
00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:17,800
Speaker 1: they're like, we have to go shopping now, and they're

451
00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:20,840
Speaker 1: like well, and we're like, well, it makes sense to us,

452
00:20:21,080 --> 00:20:23,920
Speaker 1: your losers. But I do think like you should be

453
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:25,680
Speaker 1: able to try to get that money back, Like I'm

454
00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:27,840
Speaker 1: angry for you in that, like there needs to be

455
00:20:28,040 --> 00:20:31,000
Speaker 1: justice here, and I wonder how many other people they've bamboozled.

456
00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:34,040
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that because I'm trying to also think

457
00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:35,959
Speaker 2: back to like what do I need. I think what

458
00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:38,800
Speaker 2: I need is just to like one be able to

459
00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:41,200
Speaker 2: vent about it, and then I want to like save

460
00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:44,080
Speaker 2: somebody else from that happening to them, because I wish

461
00:20:44,119 --> 00:20:45,919
Speaker 2: I could go back and have just gone a second

462
00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:48,080
Speaker 2: opinion and then been like I'm not I'm never going

463
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,680
Speaker 2: back to you. But I hate the feeling of being

464
00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:53,199
Speaker 2: taken advantage of, and know what the other feeling you

465
00:20:53,280 --> 00:20:55,840
Speaker 2: know that I hate is wasting money.

466
00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:56,920
Speaker 3: Oh, yeah, because you.

467
00:20:56,840 --> 00:21:00,440
Speaker 2: Know, I love a deal and I just think about

468
00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:02,639
Speaker 2: what could I have done with that those thousands of

469
00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:03,920
Speaker 2: dollars that I spent there.

470
00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:06,959
Speaker 1: Well, if she wanted to criticize that dentist, I am

471
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:07,479
Speaker 1: all for it.

472
00:21:07,560 --> 00:21:10,640
Speaker 3: But I would rather complain about the dentist exactly.

473
00:21:10,840 --> 00:21:12,440
Speaker 1: And that's what we're gonna get into, because there is

474
00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:17,439
Speaker 1: a difference in sharing a complaint and then criticizing. So

475
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:22,159
Speaker 1: let's hop on that horse's hop.

476
00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:23,960
Speaker 3: On the complaint horse. Okay, that's right.

477
00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:26,840
Speaker 2: So we're going to talk about the four horsemen, not

478
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:30,480
Speaker 2: the four horsemen of history, but the four horsemen that

479
00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:34,159
Speaker 2: doctor John Gotman created. And he created this out of

480
00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:38,080
Speaker 2: all of his research he did around eleven relationships where

481
00:21:38,119 --> 00:21:42,000
Speaker 2: he is like a I would say, world renowned expert

482
00:21:42,119 --> 00:21:44,040
Speaker 2: in this field. Like if you want to be a

483
00:21:44,040 --> 00:21:46,040
Speaker 2: couple's therapist, a lot of the times you will be

484
00:21:46,119 --> 00:21:49,280
Speaker 2: trained by the Gotman Institute. And I will say I

485
00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:53,639
Speaker 2: wouldn't call myself an expert in relationships in couples therapy.

486
00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:54,919
Speaker 3: I don't do couples therapy.

487
00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:57,159
Speaker 2: The only time I'll see couples is if like a

488
00:21:57,200 --> 00:21:59,040
Speaker 2: client wants to bring their partner in for a session.

489
00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:03,800
Speaker 2: So thank you for saying that I met really smart and.

490
00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:07,040
Speaker 1: We are and certainer and you've been preparing for this.

491
00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:11,399
Speaker 1: And also I did couples therapy for some died. No,

492
00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:13,879
Speaker 1: I'm not at all, but I was just kind of

493
00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:16,080
Speaker 1: making your joke of like, does that somewhat make.

494
00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:18,320
Speaker 3: Me a little bit qualified to.

495
00:22:17,920 --> 00:22:21,200
Speaker 1: Talk about some things? But then we ended in divorce,

496
00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:25,080
Speaker 1: so but I think that's okay, that's the information we

497
00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:27,800
Speaker 1: got out of our We did a very intense year

498
00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:30,400
Speaker 1: of therapy leading up to that to make that decision,

499
00:22:30,760 --> 00:22:31,960
Speaker 1: So it wasn't taken lightly.

500
00:22:32,119 --> 00:22:34,360
Speaker 3: Did they talk about the four horsemen at all?

501
00:22:34,560 --> 00:22:34,960
Speaker 1: We did not.

502
00:22:35,119 --> 00:22:39,919
Speaker 2: Okay, So what the four horsemen are is these four

503
00:22:40,160 --> 00:22:44,680
Speaker 2: styles of communication that doctor Gotman found that could help

504
00:22:44,760 --> 00:22:47,679
Speaker 2: him predict the demise of a relationship. So if you

505
00:22:47,760 --> 00:22:49,960
Speaker 2: had these four things and he saw you using these

506
00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:54,639
Speaker 2: four things regularly without trying to shift or change with

507
00:22:54,800 --> 00:22:57,399
Speaker 2: ninety percent accuracy rate, he could say this couple is

508
00:22:57,520 --> 00:22:58,600
Speaker 2: probably not going to make it.

509
00:22:59,040 --> 00:22:59,520
Speaker 3: Which is.

510
00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:04,320
Speaker 2: Wild but also speaks to how important this stuff is

511
00:23:04,359 --> 00:23:08,080
Speaker 2: and how detrimental things that sometimes we don't mean them

512
00:23:08,080 --> 00:23:10,239
Speaker 2: to be this way. And I will say a lot

513
00:23:10,320 --> 00:23:13,680
Speaker 2: of times, specifically what we're going to talk about criticism.

514
00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:16,840
Speaker 2: A lot of times we're not meaning to criticize to

515
00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:20,560
Speaker 2: ruin a relationship. We're trying to connect with somebody or

516
00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:22,680
Speaker 2: meet a need. We just do it in a way

517
00:23:22,720 --> 00:23:25,479
Speaker 2: that sets us up to fail. So the four horsemen,

518
00:23:25,480 --> 00:23:30,600
Speaker 2: which we're going to split up criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.

519
00:23:31,560 --> 00:23:34,280
Speaker 2: If you're like, what is that, don't worry, stay tuned

520
00:23:34,320 --> 00:23:35,320
Speaker 2: in the next four weeks.

521
00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:36,680
Speaker 3: Today we're going to do criticism.

522
00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:39,520
Speaker 2: So do you have anything that you want to say

523
00:23:39,520 --> 00:23:41,960
Speaker 2: about criticism before we jump in?

524
00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:45,480
Speaker 1: And I mentioned at the start of the episode, I'm

525
00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:48,639
Speaker 1: guilty of it, and I think as I was reading

526
00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:51,679
Speaker 1: through it, my heart broke for people that have to

527
00:23:51,760 --> 00:23:58,600
Speaker 1: live or living in a household where criticism is showing

528
00:23:58,680 --> 00:24:01,560
Speaker 1: up all the time. I just would feel so sad

529
00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:04,280
Speaker 1: to have to live that way. And I know again,

530
00:24:04,400 --> 00:24:05,960
Speaker 1: I did it. I had it in my marriage. We

531
00:24:06,040 --> 00:24:09,080
Speaker 1: had it on both sides. Now it wasn't all the time,

532
00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:12,240
Speaker 1: but I wish maybe we had had certain tools or

533
00:24:12,280 --> 00:24:15,480
Speaker 1: awareness to know like, oh, this is exactly what's happening.

534
00:24:15,560 --> 00:24:18,040
Speaker 1: And so my hope is in talking about this that

535
00:24:18,240 --> 00:24:23,000
Speaker 1: if anybody sees this in themselves or recognizes like, oh shoot,

536
00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:26,639
Speaker 1: my partner is this way and I'm exhausted from it,

537
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:30,960
Speaker 1: that there is hope for that awareness and then you

538
00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:35,119
Speaker 1: can work on it, because I think, well, there's a

539
00:24:35,160 --> 00:24:37,760
Speaker 1: lot of tools that I learned later that I think

540
00:24:37,840 --> 00:24:40,880
Speaker 1: could have helped our relationship. And I think while he

541
00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:44,760
Speaker 1: was able to assess like with ninety percent accuracy, I

542
00:24:44,800 --> 00:24:48,720
Speaker 1: don't think that he's saying that that means that this

543
00:24:48,760 --> 00:24:50,640
Speaker 1: is going to happen if you have acted this way

544
00:24:50,720 --> 00:24:52,960
Speaker 1: or if you act this way, if you have awareness

545
00:24:52,960 --> 00:24:55,600
Speaker 1: and are willing to do the work and stop acting

546
00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:58,520
Speaker 1: that way and start doing the what'd you call it,

547
00:24:58,520 --> 00:25:01,480
Speaker 1: like just the healthier swa there's a sort of of

548
00:25:01,520 --> 00:25:04,800
Speaker 1: the antidote, healthier swap antidote, but you can if your

549
00:25:04,840 --> 00:25:09,560
Speaker 1: go to is the criticism, then you find a way

550
00:25:09,760 --> 00:25:12,480
Speaker 1: to swap it. The antidote of I can still make

551
00:25:12,520 --> 00:25:17,879
Speaker 1: this complaint, but from a caring, thoughtful standpoint, that doesn't

552
00:25:18,200 --> 00:25:21,440
Speaker 1: it still get my need? Matt doesn't like tear someone down.

553
00:25:21,640 --> 00:25:25,359
Speaker 2: Yeah, So the difference you're talking about complaints and critiques

554
00:25:26,119 --> 00:25:30,240
Speaker 2: and then criticism. So criticism is really about somebody's character.

555
00:25:30,359 --> 00:25:33,120
Speaker 2: When you criticize somebody. You're not talking about a thing

556
00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:36,520
Speaker 2: that they did once or a specific behavior. It turns

557
00:25:36,560 --> 00:25:38,080
Speaker 2: into like who they are, that.

558
00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:41,080
Speaker 1: You are bad, you are selfish, you are yes and so,

559
00:25:41,359 --> 00:25:42,480
Speaker 1: and consider it right.

560
00:25:42,800 --> 00:25:46,280
Speaker 2: So he doctor Gotman also found in his research, which

561
00:25:46,359 --> 00:25:48,280
Speaker 2: is crazy, and also like, how do you find all

562
00:25:48,280 --> 00:25:51,800
Speaker 2: these statistics and percentages but not our job. The way

563
00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:56,399
Speaker 2: a conversation starts, he could predict within ninety six percent

564
00:25:56,480 --> 00:25:58,760
Speaker 2: accuracy rate where it would go, if it would end

565
00:25:58,840 --> 00:26:01,119
Speaker 2: well or bad, and with in the first three minutes.

566
00:26:01,160 --> 00:26:05,160
Speaker 2: If your conversation starts well, then your conflict is probably

567
00:26:05,240 --> 00:26:08,200
Speaker 2: going to be managed well. And if it starts off

568
00:26:08,280 --> 00:26:11,560
Speaker 2: with one of these things, it's probably going to end

569
00:26:11,720 --> 00:26:15,320
Speaker 2: not well because they did build Yeah, unless you're able

570
00:26:15,400 --> 00:26:18,280
Speaker 2: to say, oh, I just did that thing. When you

571
00:26:18,720 --> 00:26:22,600
Speaker 2: criticize somebody, somebody becomes defensive. So once somebody comes defensive,

572
00:26:22,680 --> 00:26:26,600
Speaker 2: then you're just rolling down this four horsemen hill. And

573
00:26:26,840 --> 00:26:29,720
Speaker 2: what he talked about a lot, and what any therapist

574
00:26:29,840 --> 00:26:34,359
Speaker 2: or any relationship helper of sorts will say, a healthy

575
00:26:34,400 --> 00:26:37,600
Speaker 2: relationship is not about getting rid of your conflict. It's

576
00:26:37,640 --> 00:26:40,399
Speaker 2: about how to manage it. And a lot of times

577
00:26:40,480 --> 00:26:44,840
Speaker 2: the things that couples argue about or have conflict around

578
00:26:45,440 --> 00:26:49,199
Speaker 2: are essentially the same thing throughout the relationship. It's going

579
00:26:49,240 --> 00:26:51,880
Speaker 2: to be the same theme. Might not be the trash

580
00:26:51,960 --> 00:26:53,800
Speaker 2: every time, but it might be a feeling of like

581
00:26:54,760 --> 00:26:57,000
Speaker 2: not being heard or something like that. And so it's

582
00:26:57,119 --> 00:26:59,000
Speaker 2: not about getting rid of it because we all have

583
00:26:59,080 --> 00:27:03,160
Speaker 2: stuff more human it's how do we manage our conflict well?

584
00:27:03,240 --> 00:27:05,600
Speaker 3: And if you can manage your conflict well, then that's great.

585
00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:08,120
Speaker 2: That's better than not having conflict, because if you don't

586
00:27:08,160 --> 00:27:11,000
Speaker 2: have conflict, then there obviously is a lack of vulnerability

587
00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:14,120
Speaker 2: in the relationship because you don't feel like you can

588
00:27:14,520 --> 00:27:17,520
Speaker 2: share things. Yeah, things must be pretty I mean service

589
00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:20,480
Speaker 2: and like are you really sharing and saying the things

590
00:27:20,520 --> 00:27:22,040
Speaker 2: that are like on your heart and that you need?

591
00:27:23,040 --> 00:27:28,000
Speaker 2: So with criticism, I'm saying something negative about your character.

592
00:27:28,119 --> 00:27:32,120
Speaker 2: In general, what we want are critiques and complaints. Which

593
00:27:32,200 --> 00:27:35,160
Speaker 2: complaints are great. Think about well, this could go two ways,

594
00:27:35,920 --> 00:27:38,600
Speaker 2: like a complaint box or a feedback box at a store.

595
00:27:39,160 --> 00:27:43,000
Speaker 2: Complaints can help the store become better, right, Like I

596
00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:45,480
Speaker 2: don't I worked at limited To as a young girl

597
00:27:46,040 --> 00:27:48,240
Speaker 2: and we had a feedback box and they'd be helpful

598
00:27:48,320 --> 00:27:52,399
Speaker 2: things like things about how the line worked, or the displays,

599
00:27:52,560 --> 00:27:54,240
Speaker 2: or how they would like to be able to order

600
00:27:54,320 --> 00:27:57,080
Speaker 2: things a certain way that help you become better as

601
00:27:57,160 --> 00:28:01,360
Speaker 2: a store, versus if somebody just wrote like this place.

602
00:28:01,240 --> 00:28:03,399
Speaker 3: Sucks, you never have what we need. I'm like, I

603
00:28:03,440 --> 00:28:04,080
Speaker 3: don't really.

604
00:28:03,960 --> 00:28:04,800
Speaker 1: Know what to do with that.

605
00:28:04,920 --> 00:28:05,800
Speaker 3: Should we just close?

606
00:28:07,440 --> 00:28:09,000
Speaker 1: Y'all are idiots? Right?

607
00:28:09,080 --> 00:28:10,960
Speaker 3: It's not overall.

608
00:28:11,200 --> 00:28:13,520
Speaker 1: I mean, maybe this one thing we did very idiotic,

609
00:28:13,680 --> 00:28:16,879
Speaker 1: but it doesn't mean we are all idiots. I mean

610
00:28:16,920 --> 00:28:19,960
Speaker 1: that's how I keep thinking of it as like these

611
00:28:20,119 --> 00:28:24,400
Speaker 1: very definitive statements of you know, you are this thing,

612
00:28:24,600 --> 00:28:28,879
Speaker 1: this always happens, you never do this, And it's like,

613
00:28:28,960 --> 00:28:30,399
Speaker 1: in reality, is.

614
00:28:30,440 --> 00:28:34,880
Speaker 3: It always happening? Did they never take out the trash never?

615
00:28:35,520 --> 00:28:37,440
Speaker 1: Or can they never do this? Right? I mean, maybe

616
00:28:37,480 --> 00:28:39,080
Speaker 1: they never do. And I know I just said trash

617
00:28:39,080 --> 00:28:40,840
Speaker 1: because you use that as an example. But you know

618
00:28:40,960 --> 00:28:42,400
Speaker 1: something that just popped into my head that I know

619
00:28:42,520 --> 00:28:44,040
Speaker 1: you were a part of because I called you. And

620
00:28:44,120 --> 00:28:46,719
Speaker 1: maybe you can use this as like a little example

621
00:28:46,760 --> 00:28:51,320
Speaker 1: when we're talking. But do you remember when well, in

622
00:28:51,680 --> 00:28:54,160
Speaker 1: my current relationship with my boyfriend, he was on his

623
00:28:54,280 --> 00:28:57,320
Speaker 1: way over and on his way to my house, he

624
00:28:57,520 --> 00:29:00,440
Speaker 1: called an audible and decided he was going back home

625
00:29:01,200 --> 00:29:03,560
Speaker 1: for whatever reason that's personal to him and his family.

626
00:29:04,240 --> 00:29:09,120
Speaker 1: But I was very hurt by it, and I felt

627
00:29:09,160 --> 00:29:12,080
Speaker 1: like my feelings were very valid and I called you

628
00:29:12,160 --> 00:29:13,720
Speaker 1: because I was like, I don't know how to handle this.

629
00:29:14,200 --> 00:29:15,520
Speaker 1: I don't know what to do because I don't want

630
00:29:15,560 --> 00:29:19,360
Speaker 1: to be overreacting, and you validated my feelings and that

631
00:29:19,480 --> 00:29:22,200
Speaker 1: I wasn't overreacting, and so I had to call him

632
00:29:22,920 --> 00:29:29,000
Speaker 1: and share my complaint. And while he didn't see it

633
00:29:29,240 --> 00:29:32,959
Speaker 1: in the time, I think if I was in unhealthier times,

634
00:29:33,760 --> 00:29:35,880
Speaker 1: I would have really lost it on him, been like

635
00:29:36,040 --> 00:29:40,920
Speaker 1: you always are choosing that over me, and I was

636
00:29:41,040 --> 00:29:44,800
Speaker 1: able to express that. More so, I feel like I'm

637
00:29:45,000 --> 00:29:49,920
Speaker 1: often second. I tried not to use it in this scenarios.

638
00:29:50,600 --> 00:29:54,800
Speaker 1: In this scenario, I had expectations of this, and I

639
00:29:54,920 --> 00:29:58,720
Speaker 1: don't know why that is changing, because your situation altered

640
00:29:58,720 --> 00:30:00,920
Speaker 1: a little bit and it wasn't anything thing that, in

641
00:30:01,040 --> 00:30:05,320
Speaker 1: my opinion, warranted changing our plans, but it hurt me,

642
00:30:05,760 --> 00:30:08,440
Speaker 1: and I felt like I needed to communicate that, and

643
00:30:09,280 --> 00:30:13,360
Speaker 1: I don't know that he fully got it at the moment.

644
00:30:13,920 --> 00:30:16,640
Speaker 1: I think he took time to process. But the cool

645
00:30:16,720 --> 00:30:20,800
Speaker 1: thing was I felt heard and that was a really

646
00:30:21,000 --> 00:30:24,360
Speaker 1: big step in our relationship. And looking back on it,

647
00:30:24,440 --> 00:30:27,040
Speaker 1: I don't think in the moment I appreciated the communication

648
00:30:27,400 --> 00:30:31,360
Speaker 1: that we had, but it was such a like A

649
00:30:31,840 --> 00:30:37,200
Speaker 1: I can exhale about it now because in my marriage

650
00:30:37,800 --> 00:30:40,640
Speaker 1: and I played a part in this too, we didn't.

651
00:30:41,880 --> 00:30:44,320
Speaker 1: We didn't handle communication like that, and now as co

652
00:30:44,560 --> 00:30:47,560
Speaker 1: parents we do though, so there could have been hope,

653
00:30:47,560 --> 00:30:50,520
Speaker 1: who knows, but should Kuda WOULDA We're not there anymore.

654
00:30:50,920 --> 00:30:53,760
Speaker 1: But even in our co parenting, like my ex husband

655
00:30:53,760 --> 00:30:56,480
Speaker 1: and I like we have our code word. I bet

656
00:30:56,800 --> 00:30:58,680
Speaker 1: John Gotman, if you were listening to some of our

657
00:30:58,720 --> 00:31:01,160
Speaker 1: conversations when we have to use our coword to just

658
00:31:01,360 --> 00:31:03,760
Speaker 1: end a conversation and circle back later, I bet that's

659
00:31:03,840 --> 00:31:08,000
Speaker 1: because the first whatever you said thirty seconds or three

660
00:31:08,080 --> 00:31:10,080
Speaker 1: minutes or whatever it was, of the conversation like we

661
00:31:10,160 --> 00:31:12,200
Speaker 1: were headed down a path of like there was no

662
00:31:12,440 --> 00:31:16,479
Speaker 1: saving this conversation. And so I guess if we were

663
00:31:16,560 --> 00:31:18,800
Speaker 1: still married, we'd probably sit there and go round and

664
00:31:18,880 --> 00:31:19,960
Speaker 1: round and try to figure it out.

665
00:31:20,440 --> 00:31:21,000
Speaker 3: But in our co.

666
00:31:21,120 --> 00:31:24,239
Speaker 1: Parenting, we've just been like pickle pickles our word. If

667
00:31:24,280 --> 00:31:26,560
Speaker 1: someone says pickle, we hang up and we circle back

668
00:31:27,120 --> 00:31:32,360
Speaker 1: and we're probably because we started, we started unhealthy, but

669
00:31:32,360 --> 00:31:33,840
Speaker 1: at least now we have our code word, and.

670
00:31:33,880 --> 00:31:34,920
Speaker 3: Then you can start again.

671
00:31:35,000 --> 00:31:39,160
Speaker 2: Because I think what you're explaining in the conversation with

672
00:31:39,240 --> 00:31:41,360
Speaker 2: your boyfriend that you maybe didn't have it as much

673
00:31:41,400 --> 00:31:45,240
Speaker 2: in your marriage is maybe something wasn't resolved, but you

674
00:31:45,440 --> 00:31:50,360
Speaker 2: felt heard in that feeling of oh this person does this.

675
00:31:50,400 --> 00:31:53,600
Speaker 3: Person does care about me? Like, okay, we because figure

676
00:31:53,640 --> 00:31:53,960
Speaker 3: this out.

677
00:31:54,120 --> 00:31:58,080
Speaker 1: His action made me feel like instantly he does not

678
00:31:58,320 --> 00:32:01,280
Speaker 1: care about me, right, And I could have stayed with

679
00:32:01,400 --> 00:32:04,000
Speaker 1: that story. I guess I'm also just sharing the two

680
00:32:04,080 --> 00:32:07,400
Speaker 1: different my marriage and then this again for hope. I

681
00:32:08,040 --> 00:32:09,520
Speaker 1: like to be I like to offer hope.

682
00:32:09,840 --> 00:32:12,120
Speaker 3: Okay, now we do have hope at the bottom of this.

683
00:32:12,320 --> 00:32:14,920
Speaker 2: Once we talk about what this looks like and we're

684
00:32:14,920 --> 00:32:16,880
Speaker 2: gonna you kind of start this offic this is great,

685
00:32:17,280 --> 00:32:20,640
Speaker 2: what actually the criticism looks like, then we'll talk about

686
00:32:20,680 --> 00:32:22,920
Speaker 2: the antidote and like, That's what I like about John

687
00:32:22,960 --> 00:32:25,600
Speaker 2: Gottman is he doesn't just like say like you're doomed.

688
00:32:25,720 --> 00:32:27,840
Speaker 3: He says, these are the things that don't work, but

689
00:32:28,040 --> 00:32:31,120
Speaker 3: don't worry. We have something that does. Okay, yeah, we

690
00:32:31,200 --> 00:32:33,960
Speaker 3: can swap this out. If you're willing to work on it.

691
00:32:34,440 --> 00:32:36,880
Speaker 2: So, yeah, you started talking about like the all or

692
00:32:36,960 --> 00:32:39,280
Speaker 2: nothing talking or the all or nothing thinking and speech,

693
00:32:39,360 --> 00:32:52,800
Speaker 2: so let's start with that. So you were talking about

694
00:32:52,800 --> 00:32:56,240
Speaker 2: the all or nothing thinking. So exaggerating is a big

695
00:32:56,280 --> 00:32:58,360
Speaker 2: way that criticism shows up. You always do this, you

696
00:32:58,480 --> 00:33:01,240
Speaker 2: never do this, and with a the dis is just

697
00:33:01,360 --> 00:33:05,120
Speaker 2: a really good blanket example to use to describe stuff,

698
00:33:05,120 --> 00:33:08,640
Speaker 2: because I think a lot of us have had frustrations

699
00:33:08,840 --> 00:33:11,000
Speaker 2: of the dishes or the trash or something like that.

700
00:33:11,760 --> 00:33:14,520
Speaker 2: But if I say to my partner, you never put

701
00:33:14,560 --> 00:33:16,719
Speaker 2: the dishes away. I always have to do it myself.

702
00:33:16,800 --> 00:33:17,560
Speaker 3: You're so lazy.

703
00:33:18,360 --> 00:33:21,600
Speaker 2: Well, if that's not true, they might be like, that's

704
00:33:21,640 --> 00:33:24,080
Speaker 2: not true. I did it last week on Thursday, and

705
00:33:24,240 --> 00:33:25,960
Speaker 2: like maybe that was the only time he did it

706
00:33:26,360 --> 00:33:29,400
Speaker 2: in that year. But he immediately goes to defend his

707
00:33:29,600 --> 00:33:33,200
Speaker 2: character and becomes defensive. And then what happens with me

708
00:33:33,400 --> 00:33:35,840
Speaker 2: is I can be like, see, you just care about yourself.

709
00:33:35,880 --> 00:33:37,720
Speaker 2: All you care about is defending yourself that you're not

710
00:33:37,760 --> 00:33:40,160
Speaker 2: even listening to what I'm saying. But the problem is

711
00:33:40,280 --> 00:33:43,160
Speaker 2: I'm not actually expressing what I actually want to be expressing.

712
00:33:43,760 --> 00:33:46,880
Speaker 2: Because criticism is such a. I don't want to say

713
00:33:46,920 --> 00:33:49,480
Speaker 2: low steaks because it is high stakes, but it's a

714
00:33:49,640 --> 00:33:52,760
Speaker 2: way for me to express my needs with armor on,

715
00:33:52,960 --> 00:33:56,000
Speaker 2: so I'm not really expressing my needs. My needs might

716
00:33:56,120 --> 00:34:00,280
Speaker 2: be like, Hey, I am exhausted and I feel like

717
00:34:00,280 --> 00:34:01,800
Speaker 2: I've had a really long week and I need some

718
00:34:01,880 --> 00:34:02,520
Speaker 2: help with the dishes.

719
00:34:02,600 --> 00:34:03,520
Speaker 3: Could you help put them away?

720
00:34:04,640 --> 00:34:06,400
Speaker 2: I know I usually do them, and that's like maybe

721
00:34:06,440 --> 00:34:08,239
Speaker 2: that's even our deal that I put the dishes away,

722
00:34:08,320 --> 00:34:09,400
Speaker 2: or it's like an unspoken thing.

723
00:34:10,200 --> 00:34:12,120
Speaker 3: I really need help tonight. Can you help me?

724
00:34:12,719 --> 00:34:16,640
Speaker 2: I'm sure if you're in a loving relationship, your partner

725
00:34:16,680 --> 00:34:18,000
Speaker 2: will be like, oh my gosh, you know what.

726
00:34:18,080 --> 00:34:19,239
Speaker 3: I don't want to do the dishes either.

727
00:34:19,320 --> 00:34:21,160
Speaker 2: They might say that in their head, but I would

728
00:34:21,160 --> 00:34:22,600
Speaker 2: love to do that for you if that's going to

729
00:34:22,640 --> 00:34:27,000
Speaker 2: help your day be better versus me attacking them. What

730
00:34:27,160 --> 00:34:27,360
Speaker 2: do you know?

731
00:34:27,480 --> 00:34:32,560
Speaker 1: Selena Gomez is what's his name? Her fiancee Anny Anny Blanco.

732
00:34:34,520 --> 00:34:37,400
Speaker 1: Sorry I'm not derailing totally, but.

733
00:34:38,160 --> 00:34:38,600
Speaker 3: A little bit.

734
00:34:40,000 --> 00:34:42,440
Speaker 1: Did you know? He said he wakes up every day

735
00:34:42,719 --> 00:34:45,120
Speaker 1: and ask himself, what can I do to make Selena's

736
00:34:45,160 --> 00:34:47,640
Speaker 1: day better? Well?

737
00:34:47,800 --> 00:34:48,360
Speaker 3: Does he do that?

738
00:34:50,200 --> 00:34:53,759
Speaker 1: That's what he said. He's like I know, I was like, wow,

739
00:34:53,920 --> 00:34:56,600
Speaker 1: what's that? Like, how do you imagine? What?

740
00:34:56,719 --> 00:34:57,680
Speaker 2: I mean?

741
00:34:57,800 --> 00:35:00,640
Speaker 1: I don't know. He seems like he love her. He

742
00:35:00,719 --> 00:35:02,880
Speaker 1: does love her. Yeah, I know that was a drail,

743
00:35:02,920 --> 00:35:05,680
Speaker 1: but I was like, really, do you really do that?

744
00:35:05,840 --> 00:35:08,120
Speaker 1: And then he gifts her things like gas bathtubs full

745
00:35:08,160 --> 00:35:08,640
Speaker 1: of keeso?

746
00:35:09,120 --> 00:35:10,719
Speaker 3: Wait what Yeah?

747
00:35:11,440 --> 00:35:14,120
Speaker 1: You didn't know that he filled up a bathtub full

748
00:35:14,120 --> 00:35:15,400
Speaker 1: of keso for her?

749
00:35:16,360 --> 00:35:19,719
Speaker 3: Yeah, in their house, that's disgusting, I know, but they have.

750
00:35:19,719 --> 00:35:21,200
Speaker 1: A lot of money, so I don't really know how

751
00:35:21,239 --> 00:35:25,359
Speaker 1: they put maybe new bathtub or they like just suck

752
00:35:25,400 --> 00:35:28,520
Speaker 1: it out with some special equipment, Like I don't know,

753
00:35:28,600 --> 00:35:31,319
Speaker 1: because you can't just like put that down the drain.

754
00:35:31,680 --> 00:35:35,160
Speaker 1: But anyway, let's just I know I brought that up.

755
00:35:35,239 --> 00:35:37,080
Speaker 1: But I'm like, most of us are not in a

756
00:35:37,160 --> 00:35:40,359
Speaker 1: relationship where we wake up and we're like, what can

757
00:35:40,400 --> 00:35:43,600
Speaker 1: I do to just make my person's day better? But

758
00:35:43,760 --> 00:35:47,239
Speaker 1: I think it's okay for us to maybe have that

759
00:35:47,280 --> 00:35:49,879
Speaker 1: as underlying of like, I'm in this partnership. I love

760
00:35:49,960 --> 00:35:52,520
Speaker 1: this person, So if I have an opportunity to help

761
00:35:52,560 --> 00:35:55,480
Speaker 1: make their day better, well, gosh darn it, I would

762
00:35:55,560 --> 00:35:56,120
Speaker 1: want to do that.

763
00:35:56,360 --> 00:35:56,560
Speaker 3: Yeah.

764
00:35:57,040 --> 00:36:00,319
Speaker 2: Yeah, and you saying that if there's something I can

765
00:36:00,360 --> 00:36:02,840
Speaker 2: do that I'm unaware of, like I want my partner

766
00:36:02,920 --> 00:36:05,640
Speaker 2: to tell me. It might not be the top of mine.

767
00:36:05,680 --> 00:36:07,920
Speaker 2: I might not be thinking like Benny is like what

768
00:36:08,040 --> 00:36:09,680
Speaker 2: can I do all the time? But if there's something

769
00:36:09,719 --> 00:36:12,960
Speaker 2: that I'm either hurting or if there's something small like

770
00:36:13,000 --> 00:36:14,759
Speaker 2: that I could do, I would love my partner to

771
00:36:14,840 --> 00:36:16,719
Speaker 2: tell me. But they have to tell me in a

772
00:36:17,600 --> 00:36:20,640
Speaker 2: carrying way versus insult me as they're telling it to me,

773
00:36:20,719 --> 00:36:23,640
Speaker 2: because then I'm not gonna want to do it, Okay,

774
00:36:23,680 --> 00:36:26,320
Speaker 2: So exaggerating it sounds like exaggerating it also sounds like

775
00:36:26,400 --> 00:36:30,280
Speaker 2: why questions. So if I'm like, why do you always

776
00:36:31,120 --> 00:36:33,719
Speaker 2: hang your clothes like that in your closet? Why do

777
00:36:33,800 --> 00:36:36,160
Speaker 2: you always put your dirty laundry on the floor? Why

778
00:36:36,200 --> 00:36:39,040
Speaker 2: do you pull your car into the garage like that? Like,

779
00:36:39,440 --> 00:36:44,120
Speaker 2: which is just random things, but that is then asking

780
00:36:44,320 --> 00:36:48,279
Speaker 2: somebody to defend themselves, So we immediately also go into defensiveness.

781
00:36:48,880 --> 00:36:52,160
Speaker 2: And that's something that why why is hard because as

782
00:36:52,280 --> 00:36:55,480
Speaker 2: therapists were trained to not use that word very often

783
00:36:56,000 --> 00:37:00,160
Speaker 2: because it does put somebody on the defense immediately. We

784
00:37:00,239 --> 00:37:02,600
Speaker 2: have to be creative around like, Okay, if I am

785
00:37:02,719 --> 00:37:04,960
Speaker 2: curious about that. I do want to know what's another

786
00:37:05,080 --> 00:37:08,120
Speaker 2: way I can say that? So I'll say a lot

787
00:37:08,760 --> 00:37:11,719
Speaker 2: I'm curious about this, or I wonder about this, or

788
00:37:11,719 --> 00:37:14,080
Speaker 2: I've been wondering about this, and you see how like

789
00:37:15,040 --> 00:37:19,240
Speaker 2: I've been wondering why, Well, now I'm wondering why. I've

790
00:37:19,239 --> 00:37:21,359
Speaker 2: been wondering about the way that you hang your clothes.

791
00:37:21,360 --> 00:37:24,480
Speaker 2: It's a little different than mine. That's very different than

792
00:37:24,520 --> 00:37:25,759
Speaker 2: like why do you hang your clothes like that?

793
00:37:26,560 --> 00:37:29,000
Speaker 1: Yeah? Or if it's more of a behavior that's not

794
00:37:29,160 --> 00:37:31,440
Speaker 1: like a household chore. I'm trying to think of, like

795
00:37:32,000 --> 00:37:35,440
Speaker 1: what's popping into my mind of if your partner's snippy

796
00:37:35,600 --> 00:37:38,440
Speaker 1: or something like instead of saying why do you have

797
00:37:38,480 --> 00:37:40,920
Speaker 1: this attitude? Or why are you snippy? Or could you

798
00:37:41,040 --> 00:37:44,600
Speaker 1: say it like this, like what has gone on today

799
00:37:44,680 --> 00:37:47,840
Speaker 1: that might have you on edge? Is that? Okay? Is

800
00:37:47,880 --> 00:37:50,640
Speaker 1: that bad? Because then they have to answer you nothing.

801
00:37:51,520 --> 00:37:53,040
Speaker 1: I didn't know it was on edge, So I guess

802
00:37:53,080 --> 00:37:53,840
Speaker 1: maybe that's not You.

803
00:37:53,880 --> 00:37:56,560
Speaker 2: Can use this antidote that we're going to talk about, Okay, Yeah,

804
00:37:56,600 --> 00:37:59,600
Speaker 2: I'm giving like little examples of this, but I think

805
00:38:00,239 --> 00:38:02,239
Speaker 2: that example hold on to it because there's a way

806
00:38:02,280 --> 00:38:04,520
Speaker 2: that we can use what I'm going to share later

807
00:38:04,680 --> 00:38:06,520
Speaker 2: to form a really good statement.

808
00:38:06,600 --> 00:38:08,640
Speaker 1: Okay, because I really was I'm trying to ask it

809
00:38:08,760 --> 00:38:12,879
Speaker 1: with like, you know, curiosity. I didn't care, but once

810
00:38:12,960 --> 00:38:14,440
Speaker 1: I came out of my mouth, I was like, oh,

811
00:38:14,480 --> 00:38:15,719
Speaker 1: I don't know that that sounds good.

812
00:38:15,920 --> 00:38:17,920
Speaker 2: And I think that's the difficult part of this is

813
00:38:18,000 --> 00:38:20,480
Speaker 2: a way to retrain how we communicate with each other.

814
00:38:20,719 --> 00:38:20,879
Speaker 1: Yea.

815
00:38:21,040 --> 00:38:24,279
Speaker 2: So if you're a media responses and I'm saying all

816
00:38:24,280 --> 00:38:27,839
Speaker 2: of this, I could use examples of just me doing

817
00:38:27,920 --> 00:38:31,560
Speaker 2: this because I fall into this sometimes. So even as

818
00:38:31,600 --> 00:38:34,440
Speaker 2: somebody who knows about this and works with this and

819
00:38:34,600 --> 00:38:37,240
Speaker 2: reads about this for fun, like I still.

820
00:38:37,080 --> 00:38:39,200
Speaker 3: Can sometimes be like, oh, that wasn't not the best way.

821
00:38:39,080 --> 00:38:39,440
Speaker 1: To say that.

822
00:38:40,000 --> 00:38:43,239
Speaker 2: And I'll say that to specifically my husband when I

823
00:38:43,280 --> 00:38:45,600
Speaker 2: say something and I'm like, that's not how I meant it.

824
00:38:45,680 --> 00:38:49,440
Speaker 2: Can I restart and that's okay to be able to like,

825
00:38:49,800 --> 00:38:51,480
Speaker 2: we're gonna rewind, that's not how I meant that to

826
00:38:51,560 --> 00:38:51,839
Speaker 2: come out.

827
00:38:52,719 --> 00:38:54,840
Speaker 1: It's sort of like you have to ask a jury

828
00:38:54,960 --> 00:38:58,520
Speaker 1: to forget something, you know, like in a trial or case.

829
00:38:58,960 --> 00:39:02,200
Speaker 1: I don't know, I don't know the legal jargon.

830
00:39:02,480 --> 00:39:07,239
Speaker 3: They're like injection and then they're like yeah, or sustained.

831
00:39:07,040 --> 00:39:08,800
Speaker 1: Jury act like you never heard that. And I'm like

832
00:39:08,880 --> 00:39:10,399
Speaker 1: sitting there and I'm like, if I was a juror

833
00:39:10,680 --> 00:39:12,480
Speaker 1: and all of a sudden, I have this information that

834
00:39:12,640 --> 00:39:15,239
Speaker 1: probably is true, but it's not admissible in court for

835
00:39:15,320 --> 00:39:17,400
Speaker 1: some yea' know if that's what you would say. But

836
00:39:17,440 --> 00:39:18,640
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, like suddenly you have to

837
00:39:18,760 --> 00:39:21,360
Speaker 1: strike that from the record, but you already know it.

838
00:39:21,480 --> 00:39:22,440
Speaker 3: How do you know it?

839
00:39:22,840 --> 00:39:23,080
Speaker 2: Yeah?

840
00:39:23,480 --> 00:39:23,959
Speaker 3: It's hard.

841
00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:26,320
Speaker 1: Similar in a relationship, it's like will you wait? You

842
00:39:26,520 --> 00:39:28,480
Speaker 1: just said that, and now I'm supposed to just act

843
00:39:28,560 --> 00:39:29,120
Speaker 1: like you didn't.

844
00:39:29,440 --> 00:39:29,640
Speaker 3: Yeah.

845
00:39:29,840 --> 00:39:32,040
Speaker 1: But anyway, that's where.

846
00:39:31,880 --> 00:39:34,200
Speaker 3: The work comes in. I've been watching The Better Sister.

847
00:39:34,320 --> 00:39:34,840
Speaker 3: Did you watch that?

848
00:39:34,920 --> 00:39:36,839
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, with Jessica Biell.

849
00:39:36,960 --> 00:39:37,520
Speaker 3: Did you like it?

850
00:39:37,840 --> 00:39:40,120
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, Okay, you don't like it, we'll talk about it,

851
00:39:40,160 --> 00:39:42,040
Speaker 2: maybe offline because I don't want to spoil anything. But

852
00:39:42,920 --> 00:39:45,960
Speaker 2: could have been half as long, too many storylines going on.

853
00:39:46,320 --> 00:39:48,000
Speaker 2: But the court made me think about that because they

854
00:39:48,000 --> 00:39:51,879
Speaker 2: did a lot of objection. Okay, so we have exaggerating,

855
00:39:52,000 --> 00:39:54,680
Speaker 2: we have why questions. It also sounds like making a joke.

856
00:39:54,760 --> 00:39:59,520
Speaker 2: So this is like passive aggressiveness where if somebody does something,

857
00:40:00,200 --> 00:40:02,600
Speaker 2: I mean, I have another household chore example in my head.

858
00:40:03,360 --> 00:40:05,839
Speaker 2: Maybe it's because like I don't like doing household chores

859
00:40:05,880 --> 00:40:08,120
Speaker 2: myself that I have all these examples. But if one

860
00:40:08,160 --> 00:40:11,399
Speaker 2: time I asked Patrick to vacuum the stairs, I hate

861
00:40:11,480 --> 00:40:15,000
Speaker 2: vacuuming the stairs, and he didn't, I think because a

862
00:40:15,080 --> 00:40:17,840
Speaker 2: vacuum died because we have one of the cordless vacuum

863
00:40:17,880 --> 00:40:19,960
Speaker 2: so you can't use it when it's plugged. Him and

864
00:40:20,040 --> 00:40:21,480
Speaker 2: then he had to go do something and then I

865
00:40:21,640 --> 00:40:23,759
Speaker 2: ended up doing it and I was a little perturbed

866
00:40:23,760 --> 00:40:26,399
Speaker 2: about it. So when he came back, are you flying

867
00:40:26,440 --> 00:40:28,560
Speaker 2: because I used a big word perturb Yeah.

868
00:40:30,040 --> 00:40:32,239
Speaker 1: Yeah, my mouth was a gig.

869
00:40:35,480 --> 00:40:38,280
Speaker 2: So Patrick came back and I made some passive aggressive

870
00:40:38,360 --> 00:40:41,359
Speaker 2: joke like you got out of your chores again today

871
00:40:41,480 --> 00:40:43,960
Speaker 2: or something like that, and he was like, I plugged it,

872
00:40:44,000 --> 00:40:45,479
Speaker 2: and I was gonna do it when I got home.

873
00:40:45,600 --> 00:40:46,960
Speaker 2: And then I was like, don't worry, already did it.

874
00:40:47,520 --> 00:40:50,279
Speaker 2: And I was upset, but I was playing it off

875
00:40:50,400 --> 00:40:52,239
Speaker 2: like a Haha, you got out of your chores and

876
00:40:52,360 --> 00:40:54,400
Speaker 2: I didn't get what I needed. And then he was

877
00:40:54,520 --> 00:40:56,800
Speaker 2: like upset too because he was like I wanted to

878
00:40:56,880 --> 00:41:00,359
Speaker 2: do that. So rather than making a joke, I could

879
00:41:00,360 --> 00:41:04,000
Speaker 2: have been like, hey, I vacuum the stairs while you

880
00:41:04,040 --> 00:41:07,319
Speaker 2: were gone because I just wanted it done. Next time

881
00:41:07,400 --> 00:41:12,479
Speaker 2: that happens in the vacuum dies, maybe we could sweep them. Wow,

882
00:41:12,920 --> 00:41:15,359
Speaker 2: sweep them? Do they have carpet their heart? They Well,

883
00:41:15,400 --> 00:41:18,160
Speaker 2: now I'd have carpets stairs, but I had hardwood force.

884
00:41:19,280 --> 00:41:25,319
Speaker 5: Sitting there watching Patrick, like, sweep the carpet. Little piece

885
00:41:25,360 --> 00:41:25,920
Speaker 5: of dust here?

886
00:41:27,600 --> 00:41:30,400
Speaker 3: The next time, carpet because like, I don't understand how

887
00:41:30,480 --> 00:41:31,000
Speaker 3: that would work.

888
00:41:31,080 --> 00:41:33,360
Speaker 1: Yeah, next time, can you get on your hands and

889
00:41:33,440 --> 00:41:35,360
Speaker 1: knees and pick up the dart with your fingers?

890
00:41:35,520 --> 00:41:35,840
Speaker 3: Please?

891
00:41:37,120 --> 00:41:41,520
Speaker 1: Thanks? Well, I guess in his case, had you had

892
00:41:41,560 --> 00:41:43,880
Speaker 1: the full story, it totally would have made sense.

893
00:41:44,320 --> 00:41:46,120
Speaker 3: But you did have the whole story. I just still

894
00:41:46,200 --> 00:41:46,640
Speaker 3: was annoyed.

895
00:41:46,760 --> 00:41:50,400
Speaker 2: Oh but I think as we talk about the antidote,

896
00:41:50,440 --> 00:41:53,080
Speaker 2: like I didn't express my feelings, and so when I

897
00:41:53,560 --> 00:41:55,640
Speaker 2: even just like the story I told about the dentist, like,

898
00:41:56,040 --> 00:41:59,399
Speaker 2: I become resentful about my anger when I'm not able

899
00:41:59,480 --> 00:42:01,480
Speaker 2: to like share my anger. So I was holding in

900
00:42:01,640 --> 00:42:03,600
Speaker 2: my anger because I didn't want to be vulnerable with him,

901
00:42:04,400 --> 00:42:07,520
Speaker 2: and then I became resentful versus like, hey, I'm felt

902
00:42:07,560 --> 00:42:09,320
Speaker 2: angry when you left to go do that thing and

903
00:42:09,600 --> 00:42:11,279
Speaker 2: I was here still cleaning, and you left and we

904
00:42:11,360 --> 00:42:13,160
Speaker 2: were having fun. He went to do a fun thing

905
00:42:13,239 --> 00:42:15,719
Speaker 2: and then I was still And it's not like he

906
00:42:15,920 --> 00:42:17,600
Speaker 2: just was like, I'm not doing this anymore.

907
00:42:18,200 --> 00:42:19,080
Speaker 3: This is pre planned.

908
00:42:19,320 --> 00:42:21,520
Speaker 1: Yeah, well now he knows too that sweeping is an option.

909
00:42:21,680 --> 00:42:23,400
Speaker 1: I can't see a guy if a guy's like, she

910
00:42:23,520 --> 00:42:25,719
Speaker 1: told me to vacuum, right, and the vacuum's dead, like

911
00:42:26,440 --> 00:42:28,879
Speaker 1: very long. I'm not going to plump all men into it. Yes,

912
00:42:29,440 --> 00:42:32,600
Speaker 1: we're not going to do that. But most people, or

913
00:42:32,640 --> 00:42:35,200
Speaker 1: I'm thinking even like kids and stuff like, they're gonna think, well,

914
00:42:35,239 --> 00:42:37,680
Speaker 1: I need to charge the vacuum. They might not go

915
00:42:37,800 --> 00:42:39,319
Speaker 1: next level and be like, oh, well duh, I can

916
00:42:39,440 --> 00:42:41,960
Speaker 1: just sweep it. He didn't know what he didn't know,

917
00:42:42,080 --> 00:42:42,759
Speaker 1: but now he knows.

918
00:42:43,360 --> 00:42:47,080
Speaker 3: This is no excuse, no excusing. Okay, so that's the

919
00:42:47,640 --> 00:42:49,520
Speaker 3: using humor, and then the last.

920
00:42:49,400 --> 00:42:54,400
Speaker 1: One humor sarcas, you're hilarious, So funny, I noticed you

921
00:42:54,440 --> 00:43:00,919
Speaker 1: didn't vacuum the stairs, putting good shoke.

922
00:43:01,640 --> 00:43:03,800
Speaker 3: Yeah, so funny.

923
00:43:06,480 --> 00:43:08,799
Speaker 1: I mean, but dealing with the passive aggressiveness is.

924
00:43:09,160 --> 00:43:11,680
Speaker 2: In playing we've all said things that we are at

925
00:43:11,760 --> 00:43:16,759
Speaker 2: we're like ha ha ha, but really we're like seething underneath. Okay,

926
00:43:16,800 --> 00:43:21,560
Speaker 2: so the last one is should using should, so telling

927
00:43:21,640 --> 00:43:24,040
Speaker 2: somebody they should do something or shouldn't do something.

928
00:43:24,080 --> 00:43:25,920
Speaker 3: You should do it this way, you shouldn't do that way.

929
00:43:26,000 --> 00:43:27,520
Speaker 1: You should have swept the stairs.

930
00:43:27,760 --> 00:43:31,680
Speaker 3: Idiot, right, that would be using two it once. Yeah,

931
00:43:31,800 --> 00:43:32,520
Speaker 3: you get a two fer.

932
00:43:35,000 --> 00:43:38,480
Speaker 2: But this also the dishwasher is coming to me with this,

933
00:43:39,200 --> 00:43:41,839
Speaker 2: which we have a new a different kind of dishwasher

934
00:43:42,040 --> 00:43:43,160
Speaker 2: in our new house.

935
00:43:43,960 --> 00:43:45,320
Speaker 3: There's three levels.

936
00:43:45,680 --> 00:43:48,719
Speaker 2: There's like a level for the silverware instead of using it,

937
00:43:48,760 --> 00:43:51,040
Speaker 2: put it in the basket, and then another level. So

938
00:43:51,120 --> 00:43:54,719
Speaker 2: we're trying to figure out how to organize things, and

939
00:43:55,560 --> 00:43:58,400
Speaker 2: I could easily be like Patrick, you shouldn't do it

940
00:43:58,560 --> 00:44:00,360
Speaker 2: like that, you should do it this way, and like

941
00:44:00,480 --> 00:44:01,960
Speaker 2: that's saying that there is a right way in a

942
00:44:02,000 --> 00:44:04,080
Speaker 2: wrong way, and like he's an idiot basically for not

943
00:44:04,160 --> 00:44:06,880
Speaker 2: doing it this way, versus saying like, hey, I've learned

944
00:44:06,920 --> 00:44:09,160
Speaker 2: that when you put the cups in on this shelf,

945
00:44:09,520 --> 00:44:12,319
Speaker 2: it actually cleans them better. When you do this, I've

946
00:44:12,400 --> 00:44:14,480
Speaker 2: learned that the water is able to He has this

947
00:44:14,600 --> 00:44:16,800
Speaker 2: thing about you put too much stuff at the bottom,

948
00:44:16,880 --> 00:44:19,080
Speaker 2: then the water can't get up and clean things.

949
00:44:19,960 --> 00:44:22,440
Speaker 1: Does the water only come from the bottom, though I

950
00:44:22,520 --> 00:44:23,080
Speaker 1: have no idea.

951
00:44:23,200 --> 00:44:25,840
Speaker 2: Well, I always was like, that's an interesting thought because

952
00:44:25,880 --> 00:44:27,760
Speaker 2: I've always put the big stuff at the bottom.

953
00:44:28,080 --> 00:44:29,799
Speaker 1: Yeah, because I think that's where it goes.

954
00:44:31,719 --> 00:44:32,360
Speaker 3: But yes, I have.

955
00:44:33,080 --> 00:44:35,000
Speaker 1: When I moved into this house, that was my first

956
00:44:35,000 --> 00:44:38,160
Speaker 1: time having three rows on the tiny tray up top

957
00:44:38,200 --> 00:44:39,200
Speaker 1: and you have to line it up.

958
00:44:39,280 --> 00:44:40,000
Speaker 3: It's kind of annoying.

959
00:44:40,120 --> 00:44:42,880
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I much prefer the best stick it in

960
00:44:42,960 --> 00:44:46,040
Speaker 1: a basket. But I feel like I've just always thought

961
00:44:46,080 --> 00:44:49,239
Speaker 1: waters like coming from all angles, is it not?

962
00:44:49,680 --> 00:44:50,320
Speaker 3: I have no idea.

963
00:44:50,440 --> 00:44:51,840
Speaker 1: I have. I have a question that I have no

964
00:44:51,920 --> 00:44:54,520
Speaker 1: idea either, But you have to put big things on

965
00:44:54,600 --> 00:44:58,719
Speaker 1: the bottom, otherwise surely that would be a design flaw.

966
00:44:59,040 --> 00:45:01,000
Speaker 2: Well, and then I'm like, well, you anyway, there's no

967
00:45:01,120 --> 00:45:03,440
Speaker 2: right or wrong way. There's just so like a way

968
00:45:03,480 --> 00:45:05,239
Speaker 2: that I prefer. There's way he prefers. But then if

969
00:45:05,280 --> 00:45:08,799
Speaker 2: I'm really trying to like help him, like if if

970
00:45:08,840 --> 00:45:10,279
Speaker 2: he didn't know there was a tray at the top

971
00:45:10,320 --> 00:45:12,440
Speaker 2: for the silverware, Okay, I learned that there's a tray

972
00:45:12,520 --> 00:45:14,560
Speaker 2: up here, and it cleans the silverware better if you

973
00:45:14,600 --> 00:45:15,960
Speaker 2: put it in this tray. Do you want me to

974
00:45:16,040 --> 00:45:18,600
Speaker 2: help you put the dishes in the dishwasher. That's a

975
00:45:18,640 --> 00:45:20,560
Speaker 2: different way than being like, hey, you should do it

976
00:45:20,640 --> 00:45:23,920
Speaker 2: this way, or hey, you shouldn't do that. In that school,

977
00:45:23,920 --> 00:45:26,640
Speaker 2: they taught us that when you use that word towards yourself,

978
00:45:27,040 --> 00:45:30,600
Speaker 2: they would say, stop shooting all over yourself and stop

979
00:45:30,680 --> 00:45:31,160
Speaker 2: shooting on.

980
00:45:31,160 --> 00:45:34,960
Speaker 1: Your partner, like grad school. Yeah, for therapy, Yes, I was.

981
00:45:35,280 --> 00:45:37,759
Speaker 1: At first, I was like, oh over that in like

982
00:45:37,960 --> 00:45:41,239
Speaker 1: yeah junior high. Yeah, stop shooting all over yourself and

983
00:45:41,320 --> 00:45:44,160
Speaker 1: your people. Yeah, shut it all over him?

984
00:45:45,920 --> 00:45:47,000
Speaker 3: Okay, So no shoulds?

985
00:45:47,120 --> 00:45:47,160
Speaker 1: No?

986
00:45:47,200 --> 00:45:47,480
Speaker 3: Should?

987
00:45:48,040 --> 00:45:48,800
Speaker 1: I need to work on that.

988
00:45:49,040 --> 00:45:53,120
Speaker 2: It's hard and should kids should involve shames. So like

989
00:45:53,200 --> 00:45:55,560
Speaker 2: when we're doing it towards ourselves to other people, it

990
00:45:55,960 --> 00:45:58,560
Speaker 2: sends us message of like, oh, I'm an idiot, like

991
00:45:59,000 --> 00:46:01,560
Speaker 2: I should have known, Like why didn't I know?

992
00:46:01,680 --> 00:46:01,799
Speaker 1: Oh?

993
00:46:01,800 --> 00:46:04,759
Speaker 2: It must be because something negative about me. That's what

994
00:46:04,880 --> 00:46:07,520
Speaker 2: it looks like, what it sounds like. That's what we

995
00:46:07,800 --> 00:46:08,440
Speaker 2: don't want to do.

996
00:46:09,600 --> 00:46:13,399
Speaker 4: Now to your favorite part, the antidote, the hope. Yeah,

997
00:46:25,080 --> 00:46:27,960
Speaker 4: now to your favorite part the antidote.

998
00:46:28,640 --> 00:46:33,040
Speaker 2: So for criticism, it is called the either gentle startup

999
00:46:33,280 --> 00:46:34,480
Speaker 2: or soft startup.

1000
00:46:35,360 --> 00:46:37,160
Speaker 3: So when I say that, does anything come to mind?

1001
00:46:37,520 --> 00:46:49,520
Speaker 3: Very gentle instead of like engine, You're just.

1002
00:46:51,840 --> 00:46:54,879
Speaker 1: Like being well, I don't know why sound effects come

1003
00:46:54,920 --> 00:46:57,719
Speaker 1: to my brain first, but that's what you asked me

1004
00:46:58,040 --> 00:46:59,440
Speaker 1: and I shared honestly.

1005
00:46:59,719 --> 00:47:01,360
Speaker 3: Okay, allow me to be vulnerable.

1006
00:47:02,680 --> 00:47:05,000
Speaker 1: You're like, anything come to mind, and I'm just over here.

1007
00:47:04,920 --> 00:47:10,520
Speaker 3: Like, but that's gonna help people because because.

1008
00:47:10,320 --> 00:47:13,799
Speaker 1: You don't want to like start it aggressively and that.

1009
00:47:14,080 --> 00:47:17,239
Speaker 2: Like sometimes you need those little like earworms to remind you.

1010
00:47:18,120 --> 00:47:20,200
Speaker 2: Like I still, when I'm in a parking garage, you

1011
00:47:20,239 --> 00:47:23,319
Speaker 2: know what I start have started saying? What green level two,

1012
00:47:23,600 --> 00:47:27,320
Speaker 2: Green level two, green green, green level two, that's not parked.

1013
00:47:27,440 --> 00:47:29,920
Speaker 1: That's where I'm parked, parked on green level two.

1014
00:47:30,040 --> 00:47:33,000
Speaker 3: I got the from you, thank you, because yes, that's

1015
00:47:33,000 --> 00:47:33,520
Speaker 3: what I have to do.

1016
00:47:33,600 --> 00:47:35,680
Speaker 1: To myself for I also forget, and then I also

1017
00:47:35,920 --> 00:47:39,759
Speaker 1: could take a picture green level two. It's more fun

1018
00:47:39,840 --> 00:47:40,960
Speaker 1: to sing yourself a song.

1019
00:47:41,239 --> 00:47:41,439
Speaker 3: Yeah.

1020
00:47:41,840 --> 00:47:42,960
Speaker 1: So we're mid noises.

1021
00:47:43,120 --> 00:47:45,520
Speaker 3: Yeah, so this it's like, okay, what what was the antidote?

1022
00:47:45,719 --> 00:47:52,919
Speaker 1: And somebody might remember m M the antidote start softly? Okay,

1023
00:47:52,960 --> 00:47:54,399
Speaker 1: so we're starting softly and then.

1024
00:47:54,360 --> 00:47:59,800
Speaker 2: What Okay, so with a complaint, it's still going to

1025
00:48:00,000 --> 00:48:04,359
Speaker 2: probably not feel the coziest because it's not an affirmation, right,

1026
00:48:04,400 --> 00:48:06,239
Speaker 2: I'm not coming to you as like this is great

1027
00:48:06,280 --> 00:48:10,280
Speaker 2: news about something. It still might feel a little bit stingy,

1028
00:48:10,760 --> 00:48:14,160
Speaker 2: and so the soft startup just kind of eases that

1029
00:48:14,360 --> 00:48:17,200
Speaker 2: discomfort a little bit. So don't immediately just get like

1030
00:48:17,280 --> 00:48:21,160
Speaker 2: all spiky and defensive. So with this, this was like

1031
00:48:21,520 --> 00:48:23,160
Speaker 2: I think we've talked about, well, I know we've talked

1032
00:48:23,200 --> 00:48:26,320
Speaker 2: about a lot of times that script to help express yourself,

1033
00:48:27,080 --> 00:48:29,600
Speaker 2: like when you blank, I feel this da da da

1034
00:48:29,640 --> 00:48:29,960
Speaker 2: da dah.

1035
00:48:30,080 --> 00:48:32,000
Speaker 1: This is Yeah, I'm pretty sure when I had that

1036
00:48:32,080 --> 00:48:34,000
Speaker 1: conflict with my boyfriend when he was driving to my

1037
00:48:34,040 --> 00:48:36,239
Speaker 1: house and then he turned around and did a wanting

1038
00:48:36,239 --> 00:48:38,360
Speaker 1: to be on our plants, I used our script.

1039
00:48:38,920 --> 00:48:41,680
Speaker 2: Okay, well this is just like a it's almost the

1040
00:48:41,719 --> 00:48:44,200
Speaker 2: same thing. It's just like a different version of our script.

1041
00:48:44,280 --> 00:48:46,680
Speaker 2: But you know what I mean, Well, yeah, it's use

1042
00:48:46,719 --> 00:48:50,800
Speaker 2: it that we like to use. Yeah, so in this

1043
00:48:51,280 --> 00:48:55,240
Speaker 2: gentle startup, it is I feel blank when blank happened,

1044
00:48:55,280 --> 00:48:55,960
Speaker 2: I need blank.

1045
00:48:56,120 --> 00:48:59,200
Speaker 3: So it's your feeling what the facts were, and.

1046
00:48:59,400 --> 00:49:03,520
Speaker 2: Then what you need now what you want to focus

1047
00:49:03,640 --> 00:49:08,279
Speaker 2: on here is I statements versus like when you did this,

1048
00:49:08,560 --> 00:49:12,279
Speaker 2: it made me feel like I feel overwhelmed when the

1049
00:49:12,400 --> 00:49:17,279
Speaker 2: dishes are not done blank blank, Blaine, whatever time, I

1050
00:49:17,440 --> 00:49:19,279
Speaker 2: need some help putting them away, or I need some

1051
00:49:19,360 --> 00:49:21,480
Speaker 2: help doing them on Tuesday nights or something like that,

1052
00:49:22,280 --> 00:49:25,560
Speaker 2: versus when you never help me, I feel pissed off.

1053
00:49:26,120 --> 00:49:26,800
Speaker 3: You don't love me.

1054
00:49:27,040 --> 00:49:29,719
Speaker 1: You're lazy, yes, when in reality, I mean, who knows

1055
00:49:29,760 --> 00:49:32,359
Speaker 1: someone actually might be with someone lazy, But let's say

1056
00:49:32,400 --> 00:49:35,120
Speaker 1: you're not. Maybe they have had a long day, you

1057
00:49:35,239 --> 00:49:36,600
Speaker 1: know they're not overall lazy.

1058
00:49:36,920 --> 00:49:40,560
Speaker 2: Well I'm glad you said that, because when we get

1059
00:49:40,600 --> 00:49:42,919
Speaker 2: into one of these kind of blow up kind of things,

1060
00:49:42,960 --> 00:49:48,120
Speaker 2: when there is criticism that turns into like a bigger argument,

1061
00:49:48,239 --> 00:49:51,200
Speaker 2: bigger conflict. It's usually not about that thing. It's like

1062
00:49:51,320 --> 00:49:54,560
Speaker 2: the straw that broke the camel's back, and you do

1063
00:49:54,840 --> 00:49:57,480
Speaker 2: need something. This is a bid for connection. It just

1064
00:49:57,600 --> 00:49:59,560
Speaker 2: isn't done in a way that doesn't set you up.

1065
00:49:59,640 --> 00:50:03,279
Speaker 3: Well. So, yeah, it's probably not that the dishes are

1066
00:50:03,360 --> 00:50:03,880
Speaker 3: the problem.

1067
00:50:04,040 --> 00:50:06,320
Speaker 2: It might be that you've something happened at work, or

1068
00:50:06,400 --> 00:50:08,360
Speaker 2: something's been building up, or there's been a couple of

1069
00:50:08,440 --> 00:50:11,840
Speaker 2: things that have stressed you out, and this is just

1070
00:50:11,960 --> 00:50:14,479
Speaker 2: the straw that broke the camel's back. So it would

1071
00:50:14,640 --> 00:50:18,120
Speaker 2: suck if this is the thing that ends your day

1072
00:50:18,719 --> 00:50:20,520
Speaker 2: in disarray, when it could be the thing that like

1073
00:50:21,000 --> 00:50:23,200
Speaker 2: brings you together and makes you feel cared for and heard.

1074
00:50:24,000 --> 00:50:28,560
Speaker 2: So I feel blank when blank what I need? I

1075
00:50:28,640 --> 00:50:30,840
Speaker 2: need this is, yeah, this is what I need, super

1076
00:50:31,000 --> 00:50:34,000
Speaker 2: simple but sometimes hard to remember. So I'm glad we

1077
00:50:34,080 --> 00:50:40,240
Speaker 2: have the And then I have just a couple tips

1078
00:50:40,280 --> 00:50:41,800
Speaker 2: that can help us while we're doing that.

1079
00:50:42,160 --> 00:50:42,399
Speaker 1: Okay.

1080
00:50:43,239 --> 00:50:48,040
Speaker 2: So one, you might express some gratitude while you're sharing

1081
00:50:48,080 --> 00:50:52,240
Speaker 2: your complaint, like I loved last week when you blank,

1082
00:50:52,760 --> 00:50:55,000
Speaker 2: or it was really helpful when I came home and

1083
00:50:55,080 --> 00:50:58,400
Speaker 2: this happened, or when you said this to me, I

1084
00:50:58,560 --> 00:51:01,719
Speaker 2: felt really whatever. So so share with somebody. I mean

1085
00:51:01,760 --> 00:51:04,279
Speaker 2: you maybe even start with that. Share with something that

1086
00:51:04,440 --> 00:51:07,879
Speaker 2: you really like or appreciate, so they're like, oh, she's

1087
00:51:07,920 --> 00:51:09,520
Speaker 2: being nice to me or he's being nice to me

1088
00:51:10,360 --> 00:51:15,399
Speaker 2: before you're just bust in with something negative. Another one,

1089
00:51:15,760 --> 00:51:19,160
Speaker 2: don't pile them on. This can be a little hard

1090
00:51:20,160 --> 00:51:24,040
Speaker 2: because when you're worked une Yeah. Well, and because some

1091
00:51:24,200 --> 00:51:28,320
Speaker 2: of these things might feel really small. I think a

1092
00:51:28,400 --> 00:51:30,640
Speaker 2: lot of us that are conflict avoidant are like, I

1093
00:51:30,640 --> 00:51:32,000
Speaker 2: don't want to make this big deal, so I'm just

1094
00:51:32,040 --> 00:51:35,879
Speaker 2: not gonna say anything. But then they stockpile so when

1095
00:51:35,880 --> 00:51:39,600
Speaker 2: I finally do share that I'm annoyed about the trash

1096
00:51:39,719 --> 00:51:43,200
Speaker 2: or I'm annoyed about the way he sent to a text,

1097
00:51:43,360 --> 00:51:45,160
Speaker 2: or I'm annoyed whatever it is.

1098
00:51:45,239 --> 00:51:48,000
Speaker 3: If they did, I open the floodgates.

1099
00:51:48,080 --> 00:51:50,200
Speaker 1: You're like the kool Aid Man busting through the fence.

1100
00:51:52,880 --> 00:51:55,279
Speaker 1: Do you remember those commercials when you were a kid,

1101
00:51:55,560 --> 00:51:56,279
Speaker 1: the kool Aid Man.

1102
00:51:56,640 --> 00:51:59,800
Speaker 3: Yeah, but I just love that. That's where your brain went, Oh.

1103
00:52:00,160 --> 00:52:02,319
Speaker 1: You know, he's a big old kool Aid and come

1104
00:52:02,440 --> 00:52:05,280
Speaker 1: busting through, And like the kool Aid Man, you always

1105
00:52:05,320 --> 00:52:06,320
Speaker 1: knew when he arrived.

1106
00:52:06,840 --> 00:52:08,399
Speaker 3: So I feel like it was a good thing when

1107
00:52:08,400 --> 00:52:10,759
Speaker 3: he showed up, right because it wasn't like a party,

1108
00:52:10,880 --> 00:52:11,239
Speaker 3: I guess.

1109
00:52:11,600 --> 00:52:14,160
Speaker 1: But I mean he's still broke the fence or the

1110
00:52:14,280 --> 00:52:17,200
Speaker 1: wall or whatever he was busting. Don't want and like,

1111
00:52:17,560 --> 00:52:20,960
Speaker 1: you don't know and now surely there's like red Dye

1112
00:52:21,000 --> 00:52:21,840
Speaker 1: in there. You don't want to be that.

1113
00:52:24,200 --> 00:52:27,760
Speaker 3: Yeah Redye. You don't say yeah? Can you say.

1114
00:52:29,080 --> 00:52:32,800
Speaker 1: Damaging to the body? Can you say carcinogenic.

1115
00:52:32,960 --> 00:52:37,480
Speaker 3: Yeah, cancer to the relationship. You don't yes, exactly. Wow, Okay,

1116
00:52:37,800 --> 00:52:39,279
Speaker 3: So you don't want to do that. You don't want

1117
00:52:39,320 --> 00:52:41,800
Speaker 3: to be Yeah, want to be a relationship.

1118
00:52:41,840 --> 00:52:42,760
Speaker 1: You don't want to be a tumor.

1119
00:52:42,960 --> 00:52:45,719
Speaker 2: You don't want to be the kool aid man, even

1120
00:52:45,760 --> 00:52:47,279
Speaker 2: though you might want to drink kool aid.

1121
00:52:48,360 --> 00:52:49,160
Speaker 3: I'm trying to think of that.

1122
00:52:49,280 --> 00:52:52,480
Speaker 1: Arnold'swarzenegger could about the tumor. It's not the tumor what

1123
00:52:52,640 --> 00:52:53,360
Speaker 1: he's talking about.

1124
00:52:53,640 --> 00:52:55,520
Speaker 3: You've a good Arnold Schwortzenegger.

1125
00:52:55,560 --> 00:53:00,320
Speaker 1: Oh. Oh, also this way you do groo can No,

1126
00:53:00,800 --> 00:53:03,160
Speaker 1: I don't think so, but I can do the Russian

1127
00:53:03,280 --> 00:53:06,520
Speaker 1: from Rocky four. I've never seen any of these he dies,

1128
00:53:06,640 --> 00:53:11,680
Speaker 1: he dies, or if I die, I'd die the exact quote,

1129
00:53:12,160 --> 00:53:15,279
Speaker 1: if he dies, he dies. I haven't seen any of

1130
00:53:15,320 --> 00:53:17,799
Speaker 1: the other ones besides four. It's apparently the best one.

1131
00:53:18,040 --> 00:53:19,840
Speaker 1: So if you watch any Rocky you see Russian or

1132
00:53:19,880 --> 00:53:25,560
Speaker 1: Italian Russian. Remember how my sister, my sister and I, Yeah,

1133
00:53:25,760 --> 00:53:27,879
Speaker 1: we would talk Russian to each other like hell, little sister.

1134
00:53:28,280 --> 00:53:31,000
Speaker 1: And then one time I got a speeding ticket and

1135
00:53:31,480 --> 00:53:34,440
Speaker 1: I recorded myself on a cassette tape to my dad.

1136
00:53:34,520 --> 00:53:36,040
Speaker 1: But I did it in my Russian voice because we

1137
00:53:36,040 --> 00:53:39,799
Speaker 1: would always say hell, little father. I was too embarrassed

1138
00:53:39,880 --> 00:53:42,759
Speaker 1: to tell him my conflict. I was avoiding that if

1139
00:53:42,840 --> 00:53:46,720
Speaker 1: I got into character, I was able to admit my mistake.

1140
00:53:46,880 --> 00:53:48,680
Speaker 3: My yeah, it was my my.

1141
00:53:48,960 --> 00:53:51,560
Speaker 1: I was hiding behind my little Russian accent and a

1142
00:53:51,640 --> 00:53:52,239
Speaker 1: cassette tape.

1143
00:53:52,280 --> 00:53:54,520
Speaker 3: I didn't even do it, which is humor. Yeah, because

1144
00:53:54,520 --> 00:53:56,560
Speaker 3: we didn't have voice on us.

1145
00:53:56,880 --> 00:53:59,759
Speaker 1: No, maybe we had cell phones, but they were very new,

1146
00:54:00,280 --> 00:54:02,680
Speaker 1: so I probably was avoiding it. We definitely had cell

1147
00:54:02,680 --> 00:54:04,279
Speaker 1: phones because I got a cell phone my senior year

1148
00:54:04,280 --> 00:54:06,400
Speaker 1: of high school, and I was in college when this happened.

1149
00:54:06,400 --> 00:54:10,880
Speaker 1: And I remember just avoid sure but mailing him a

1150
00:54:10,920 --> 00:54:13,719
Speaker 1: cassette tape so he had to like find a which

1151
00:54:13,880 --> 00:54:15,640
Speaker 1: wasn't as hard to find because he probably had one

1152
00:54:15,680 --> 00:54:17,279
Speaker 1: in his car, and put it in and it was

1153
00:54:17,400 --> 00:54:20,640
Speaker 1: like me, hello, father, your daughter. And then I blamed

1154
00:54:20,640 --> 00:54:22,880
Speaker 1: it on him. I said, your daughter seems to have

1155
00:54:23,000 --> 00:54:26,760
Speaker 1: inherited what you call a led the foot, like implying

1156
00:54:26,800 --> 00:54:28,400
Speaker 1: I got it from him. And I was like, and

1157
00:54:30,000 --> 00:54:32,680
Speaker 1: I got the ticket, I got pulled over, and I'm

1158
00:54:32,719 --> 00:54:36,600
Speaker 1: gonna need a hundred and thy dollars or something and

1159
00:54:36,760 --> 00:54:38,319
Speaker 1: my insurance is probably gonna go up.

1160
00:54:38,360 --> 00:54:40,400
Speaker 3: I'm sorry. Wait, you do sound like grew from the

1161
00:54:40,480 --> 00:54:42,120
Speaker 3: stir caul me. Oh is that how he got Yeah?

1162
00:54:42,160 --> 00:54:44,680
Speaker 1: Okay, well then I guess I can tug you. Wow. Okay.

1163
00:54:44,960 --> 00:54:48,680
Speaker 1: So if you ever have something really like, say, you

1164
00:54:48,760 --> 00:54:50,279
Speaker 1: want to confront your partner.

1165
00:54:50,880 --> 00:54:53,800
Speaker 3: But that's usual humor, which if it helps, it's not

1166
00:54:53,880 --> 00:54:55,520
Speaker 3: passive aggressive like I was trying to be.

1167
00:54:56,080 --> 00:55:01,360
Speaker 1: But yeah, yeah, like I was, I had and whatever,

1168
00:55:01,560 --> 00:55:04,960
Speaker 1: like oh I'm bad, like I'm a terrible driver. My

1169
00:55:05,080 --> 00:55:07,000
Speaker 1: dad's gonna be so mad at me, and maybe this

1170
00:55:07,080 --> 00:55:10,400
Speaker 1: will make him like, yeah, still like me. Well, not

1171
00:55:10,480 --> 00:55:12,120
Speaker 1: that he wasn't gonna like me. You know, that was dramatic,

1172
00:55:12,400 --> 00:55:12,920
Speaker 1: you know what I mean.

1173
00:55:13,200 --> 00:55:14,680
Speaker 3: It sounds a little too like you're trying to get

1174
00:55:14,680 --> 00:55:15,320
Speaker 3: out of some trouble.

1175
00:55:15,760 --> 00:55:17,600
Speaker 1: I was trying to get all trouble, of course I was.

1176
00:55:18,760 --> 00:55:21,880
Speaker 2: So I do say if if it helps you to

1177
00:55:22,400 --> 00:55:24,719
Speaker 2: bring in some humor to get in the door, but

1178
00:55:24,760 --> 00:55:26,279
Speaker 2: at some point you're gonna have to drop it.

1179
00:55:26,560 --> 00:55:29,600
Speaker 3: So I mean, that's a different example. Hello, lover, why

1180
00:55:29,680 --> 00:55:31,719
Speaker 3: do you do the dishwasher this way?

1181
00:55:33,040 --> 00:55:37,560
Speaker 1: Why? Oh sorry, sorry lover, lover. You know, well I

1182
00:55:37,680 --> 00:55:41,440
Speaker 1: have learned this. If you stack the dishes this way,

1183
00:55:41,640 --> 00:55:43,600
Speaker 1: it cleaned better. What.

1184
00:55:43,840 --> 00:55:47,400
Speaker 3: I also think that you just saying that brings the

1185
00:55:47,560 --> 00:55:50,840
Speaker 3: levity to things that like feel sometimes.

1186
00:55:50,920 --> 00:55:52,160
Speaker 2: Have you ever been in one of those moments when

1187
00:55:52,560 --> 00:55:55,080
Speaker 2: you do see that somebody didn't take the trash out

1188
00:55:55,719 --> 00:55:59,120
Speaker 2: and you're like, oh, you just do you want to

1189
00:55:59,160 --> 00:55:59,720
Speaker 2: throw something?

1190
00:56:01,040 --> 00:56:04,440
Speaker 3: That humor reminds you that, like it's just the drag.

1191
00:56:04,880 --> 00:56:06,960
Speaker 1: I just thought of an example of as a mom

1192
00:56:07,520 --> 00:56:10,719
Speaker 1: and whimsical, you know, we say bring the whimsy, and

1193
00:56:10,800 --> 00:56:13,200
Speaker 1: we were talking. We've shared on this before, way back,

1194
00:56:13,480 --> 00:56:18,080
Speaker 1: probably even on the fifth thing right before feeling things evolved. Well,

1195
00:56:18,120 --> 00:56:22,160
Speaker 1: I saw someone online when they're peeling their garlic and

1196
00:56:22,160 --> 00:56:24,440
Speaker 1: they smash it with a knife, but then they take

1197
00:56:24,480 --> 00:56:27,719
Speaker 1: the little outer layer of the garlic off and now

1198
00:56:27,760 --> 00:56:29,400
Speaker 1: I just call it a jacket. I know it has

1199
00:56:29,440 --> 00:56:32,440
Speaker 1: a named the Pep's so bad because that's what, because

1200
00:56:32,560 --> 00:56:34,359
Speaker 1: that's the whimsy in me, Because now I just say

1201
00:56:34,480 --> 00:56:37,359
Speaker 1: time to take your coat off, or like if you're

1202
00:56:37,360 --> 00:56:40,399
Speaker 1: putting the dishes in the sink, time for a bath,

1203
00:56:40,520 --> 00:56:43,400
Speaker 1: Like where's the whimsy? So the whimsy has helped me

1204
00:56:43,800 --> 00:56:46,400
Speaker 1: and I had not thought of this until this exact

1205
00:56:46,520 --> 00:56:49,520
Speaker 1: moment of my son was pouring something out of the

1206
00:56:49,600 --> 00:56:52,840
Speaker 1: kettle and he poured too quickly and water went everywhere,

1207
00:56:52,920 --> 00:56:55,200
Speaker 1: which wouldn't be It's not a big of a deal.

1208
00:56:55,280 --> 00:56:55,680
Speaker 1: It's water.

1209
00:56:56,719 --> 00:56:57,000
Speaker 2: I know.

1210
00:56:57,120 --> 00:56:58,640
Speaker 1: There is a time in my life. I don't know

1211
00:56:58,680 --> 00:57:01,160
Speaker 1: what it was, call it my nervous system just whatever

1212
00:57:01,400 --> 00:57:03,239
Speaker 1: was all amped up. And now I would have been

1213
00:57:03,280 --> 00:57:05,160
Speaker 1: like what are you doing, or like why did you

1214
00:57:05,280 --> 00:57:07,400
Speaker 1: do that? Yeah, you know, and he didn't mean to

1215
00:57:07,480 --> 00:57:10,640
Speaker 1: do it, and maybe this is me admitting, like he'll

1216
00:57:11,440 --> 00:57:15,520
Speaker 1: I'm a bad parent, need help. But I would have

1217
00:57:15,640 --> 00:57:18,520
Speaker 1: responded of like, oh, maybe you know, just like it

1218
00:57:18,680 --> 00:57:21,360
Speaker 1: made him feel bad for doing something he didn't mean

1219
00:57:21,440 --> 00:57:24,040
Speaker 1: to do. But anyway, would it happened the other day?

1220
00:57:24,880 --> 00:57:26,760
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, I was like, here's a towel,

1221
00:57:26,840 --> 00:57:28,000
Speaker 1: and then I looked at the kettle and.

1222
00:57:28,040 --> 00:57:33,360
Speaker 5: I spanked it and I go, bad kettle, bad kettle,

1223
00:57:35,000 --> 00:57:35,840
Speaker 5: you know, a bad bad.

1224
00:57:35,960 --> 00:57:37,200
Speaker 3: I was like, why did you do that?

1225
00:57:37,360 --> 00:57:39,200
Speaker 1: I didn't do it in Russian, I'm doing it Russian now,

1226
00:57:39,280 --> 00:57:41,680
Speaker 1: but I was like, bad kettle, why did you do that?

1227
00:57:42,600 --> 00:57:44,680
Speaker 1: And then Stevenson was like, oh, I think I filled

1228
00:57:44,720 --> 00:57:46,880
Speaker 1: it up too much. That's why probably and then we

1229
00:57:47,040 --> 00:57:49,160
Speaker 1: moved on and it was totally like a thing. But

1230
00:57:49,600 --> 00:57:53,200
Speaker 1: I could have made it because I know that there's

1231
00:57:53,400 --> 00:57:58,240
Speaker 1: moments where I was behaving that way in my life

1232
00:57:58,360 --> 00:58:01,120
Speaker 1: as a parent, as a partner, whatever. When it's like

1233
00:58:01,320 --> 00:58:03,160
Speaker 1: they didn't mean to do it, but I would have

1234
00:58:04,120 --> 00:58:06,200
Speaker 1: made them feel a certain way for spilling water, and

1235
00:58:06,280 --> 00:58:10,160
Speaker 1: even myself, like maybe it was me that spilled the water.

1236
00:58:10,240 --> 00:58:12,280
Speaker 3: I would have been like, Uh, it's just stupid. Why'd

1237
00:58:12,320 --> 00:58:12,520
Speaker 3: you do that.

1238
00:58:12,600 --> 00:58:13,840
Speaker 1: It's not like I was just doing it to others.

1239
00:58:13,840 --> 00:58:14,600
Speaker 3: I was doing it to me.

1240
00:58:15,360 --> 00:58:18,000
Speaker 1: But I don't know. That was literally just the other day,

1241
00:58:18,080 --> 00:58:20,200
Speaker 1: and I never would have thought to share that story

1242
00:58:20,280 --> 00:58:22,440
Speaker 1: except for now. And I'm like, I think that's because

1243
00:58:22,800 --> 00:58:26,560
Speaker 1: over the last several months, I've been practicing whimsy and

1244
00:58:26,680 --> 00:58:32,520
Speaker 1: being whimsical and not being so and seriously so it's.

1245
00:58:32,440 --> 00:58:41,240
Speaker 5: Like, next time Patrick doesn't vacuum the stairs, bad boy,

1246
00:58:42,400 --> 00:58:46,400
Speaker 5: or the vacuum dies, you spake like Patrick's gonna be like.

1247
00:58:48,000 --> 00:58:50,720
Speaker 3: The vacuum and you'd be like, you die, He's bad.

1248
00:58:53,080 --> 00:58:59,960
Speaker 3: You need judge? Does doctor Gotman want to start you

1249
00:59:00,200 --> 00:59:02,400
Speaker 3: think some of this he can take it free of charge.

1250
00:59:02,560 --> 00:59:05,560
Speaker 3: Just couldn't say you asked him to add this. Yes,

1251
00:59:06,000 --> 00:59:08,960
Speaker 3: to add the whimsy into relationships. I think it's helpful

1252
00:59:09,040 --> 00:59:09,560
Speaker 3: and with.

1253
00:59:09,760 --> 00:59:13,160
Speaker 1: Criticism if you have a critique, like can you be

1254
00:59:14,000 --> 00:59:20,000
Speaker 1: not not the joking passive aggressive, but could playful work playful?

1255
00:59:20,120 --> 00:59:23,920
Speaker 2: Yeah, there's a difference in using humor that's passive aggressive

1256
00:59:24,040 --> 00:59:27,360
Speaker 2: and using humor that's playful. Like when I'm like, I

1257
00:59:27,440 --> 00:59:29,240
Speaker 2: guess you got out of your chores again, ha ha ha,

1258
00:59:29,800 --> 00:59:31,200
Speaker 2: like making a joke about it that way.

1259
00:59:31,520 --> 00:59:32,480
Speaker 3: That's he being so.

1260
00:59:32,560 --> 00:59:35,240
Speaker 2: Funny, But it's also me being like resentful and passive

1261
00:59:35,240 --> 00:59:41,320
Speaker 2: aggressive versus you saying that is bringing playfulness into the

1262
00:59:41,440 --> 00:59:44,600
Speaker 2: relationship and allow it almost like calms me down.

1263
00:59:45,000 --> 00:59:49,720
Speaker 3: Yeah, try to do that to my dentist. Hey bad,

1264
00:59:51,960 --> 00:59:53,280
Speaker 3: you've been very bad.

1265
00:59:53,520 --> 00:59:55,760
Speaker 1: How many people have you swindled out of thousands of

1266
00:59:55,880 --> 00:59:59,880
Speaker 1: dollars filling their teeth with like a false cavity filling.

1267
01:00:00,240 --> 01:00:02,760
Speaker 2: Let's bringing you back to that. It's like they drilled

1268
01:00:02,880 --> 01:00:06,200
Speaker 2: into my teeth. Yeah, for no reason. Okay, so back

1269
01:00:06,280 --> 01:00:09,200
Speaker 2: to the yeah, yeah, soft startup the things you remember,

1270
01:00:09,200 --> 01:00:11,160
Speaker 2: I'm just going to go through them really quickly. Begin

1271
01:00:11,240 --> 01:00:15,360
Speaker 2: with something positive, express some kind of appreciation or gratitude

1272
01:00:15,680 --> 01:00:18,840
Speaker 2: to kind of room, room them in, use eye instead

1273
01:00:18,880 --> 01:00:21,760
Speaker 2: of you, and start with I instead of you. Especially,

1274
01:00:22,360 --> 01:00:27,040
Speaker 2: don't stockpile and be assertive. So I think also you

1275
01:00:27,120 --> 01:00:30,200
Speaker 2: can be assertive without being aggressive assertive, Like if this

1276
01:00:30,280 --> 01:00:32,000
Speaker 2: is important to you, allowed to be important to.

1277
01:00:32,000 --> 01:00:35,680
Speaker 1: You in the stockpiling. This is just throw this in

1278
01:00:35,760 --> 01:00:37,400
Speaker 1: because we've talked about it on the podcast before, but

1279
01:00:37,480 --> 01:00:40,520
Speaker 1: whenever Ben and I took the kids to our four

1280
01:00:40,600 --> 01:00:43,040
Speaker 1: day retreated on site for our co parenting with them,

1281
01:00:43,120 --> 01:00:45,480
Speaker 1: and we did an intensive our therapists gave us the

1282
01:00:45,520 --> 01:00:49,120
Speaker 1: three a's and you can do it at the end

1283
01:00:49,160 --> 01:00:51,560
Speaker 1: of every day, and while we're doing it with the kids,

1284
01:00:52,000 --> 01:00:53,720
Speaker 1: and we kind of got off of it, but we

1285
01:00:53,800 --> 01:00:56,040
Speaker 1: still bring up. I wouldn't say we're doing it daily anymore,

1286
01:00:56,040 --> 01:00:57,880
Speaker 1: but we still practice it as a family and it's

1287
01:00:57,920 --> 01:01:00,280
Speaker 1: been helpful, and I could see how daily it could

1288
01:01:00,280 --> 01:01:03,760
Speaker 1: be really helpful. But such as life, it's busy, it's

1289
01:01:03,800 --> 01:01:06,320
Speaker 1: hard to get it ready gathered around. But you get

1290
01:01:06,440 --> 01:01:10,600
Speaker 1: to have one ask, so that way you're not asking

1291
01:01:11,400 --> 01:01:15,880
Speaker 1: for like fifty things and it's stockpiling, but you may

1292
01:01:16,000 --> 01:01:18,800
Speaker 1: have to make a list and I don't. I'm asking

1293
01:01:18,960 --> 01:01:20,840
Speaker 1: your advice on this, Like if you have things that

1294
01:01:20,920 --> 01:01:22,600
Speaker 1: you know are building up and you want a stockpile,

1295
01:01:22,720 --> 01:01:24,560
Speaker 1: like can you have a list where like, okay, today

1296
01:01:24,560 --> 01:01:26,920
Speaker 1: I can bring this up and then maybe later I

1297
01:01:27,040 --> 01:01:29,640
Speaker 1: can bring this up. Or can you if you have

1298
01:01:29,800 --> 01:01:32,000
Speaker 1: a stockpiled list, like how do you run through that?

1299
01:01:32,160 --> 01:01:35,080
Speaker 1: Because for the asks, she said to keep a list,

1300
01:01:35,200 --> 01:01:38,720
Speaker 1: like if do you have anything that you need? It's

1301
01:01:38,760 --> 01:01:42,760
Speaker 1: like you're asking, like if the kids need something, instead

1302
01:01:42,760 --> 01:01:45,320
Speaker 1: of being like I need this, this and this, and

1303
01:01:45,440 --> 01:01:47,960
Speaker 1: it gets overwhelming and then that's not doable. It's like

1304
01:01:48,320 --> 01:01:51,080
Speaker 1: can I ask you, let me back it up, let

1305
01:01:51,160 --> 01:01:52,840
Speaker 1: me do me Because this get confusing with what the

1306
01:01:52,920 --> 01:01:54,680
Speaker 1: kids ask for because they could be asking for things

1307
01:01:54,720 --> 01:01:57,919
Speaker 1: like I need new underwear or something, and she's saying

1308
01:01:58,040 --> 01:01:59,920
Speaker 1: that's when you're at like on Tuesday, that's your ass.

1309
01:02:00,200 --> 01:02:03,040
Speaker 1: So on Wednesday you can ask for something else. But like,

1310
01:02:03,160 --> 01:02:05,560
Speaker 1: as a parent, I might go to my kids and say,

1311
01:02:06,360 --> 01:02:09,000
Speaker 1: you know, I'm really asking that you make your red

1312
01:02:09,240 --> 01:02:10,840
Speaker 1: every day or we start to pick up your room.

1313
01:02:10,880 --> 01:02:12,520
Speaker 1: But it's easy as a parent to pile on and

1314
01:02:12,600 --> 01:02:15,440
Speaker 1: give your kids a long list of things and then

1315
01:02:15,440 --> 01:02:18,120
Speaker 1: it's overwhelming and then they can't get that down. So

1316
01:02:18,240 --> 01:02:20,919
Speaker 1: on Tuesday I know, I get to ask for let's

1317
01:02:20,960 --> 01:02:22,920
Speaker 1: start this with your room, and then the next day

1318
01:02:23,040 --> 01:02:25,600
Speaker 1: I can ask a different thing and we keep a

1319
01:02:25,680 --> 01:02:27,760
Speaker 1: list and keep track. So I guess what I'm asking

1320
01:02:27,880 --> 01:02:31,040
Speaker 1: here is can we keep a list of things we

1321
01:02:31,200 --> 01:02:34,400
Speaker 1: have that are piled up? Because then how do you

1322
01:02:34,560 --> 01:02:35,280
Speaker 1: resolve those?

1323
01:02:35,480 --> 01:02:38,280
Speaker 2: So if you don't, ever, I would do that if

1324
01:02:38,320 --> 01:02:40,960
Speaker 2: I were you and I'm starting to feel overwhelmed by

1325
01:02:41,000 --> 01:02:43,000
Speaker 2: all of these things, write them out because a lot

1326
01:02:43,000 --> 01:02:44,480
Speaker 2: of times what you find is that they will be

1327
01:02:44,600 --> 01:02:47,480
Speaker 2: a theme. So if it is just like household chores,

1328
01:02:47,560 --> 01:02:50,040
Speaker 2: then like I am going to ask for you to

1329
01:02:50,120 --> 01:02:51,840
Speaker 2: help me around the house or with your kids, I'm

1330
01:02:51,840 --> 01:02:54,120
Speaker 2: going to help my ask my kids to help pick

1331
01:02:54,200 --> 01:02:57,680
Speaker 2: up their things, and then they might say, actually, they

1332
01:02:57,720 --> 01:02:59,480
Speaker 2: might not say, but you might want to give them

1333
01:02:59,840 --> 01:03:02,480
Speaker 2: this is actually how I would like that to be done.

1334
01:03:02,520 --> 01:03:05,240
Speaker 2: So being specific can be very helpful. So the big

1335
01:03:05,400 --> 01:03:07,680
Speaker 2: ask it it's the theme. This is the big ask.

1336
01:03:08,200 --> 01:03:10,760
Speaker 2: These are the ways that that actually plays out. But

1337
01:03:11,000 --> 01:03:14,120
Speaker 2: one thing that I've learned with Patrick is that he

1338
01:03:14,440 --> 01:03:17,240
Speaker 2: and I'm this way too. On the reverse side, we're

1339
01:03:17,280 --> 01:03:20,080
Speaker 2: both forgetful, and so we have to if I say,

1340
01:03:20,160 --> 01:03:20,400
Speaker 2: like I.

1341
01:03:20,480 --> 01:03:21,320
Speaker 3: Need this from him.

1342
01:03:21,960 --> 01:03:24,040
Speaker 2: I know that he's gonna need me to remind him

1343
01:03:24,160 --> 01:03:25,440
Speaker 2: or he needs to write it down and put a

1344
01:03:25,480 --> 01:03:28,040
Speaker 2: reminder in his phone. So it is helpful to like

1345
01:03:28,200 --> 01:03:32,000
Speaker 2: write that stuff down. I'm like, hey, on Tuesdays, I

1346
01:03:32,120 --> 01:03:34,680
Speaker 2: need you to do X y Z. Put that in

1347
01:03:34,760 --> 01:03:36,280
Speaker 2: your list on your phone of the things that I need.

1348
01:03:36,600 --> 01:03:39,520
Speaker 2: I think that's okay. There's a difference in like finally

1349
01:03:39,560 --> 01:03:43,520
Speaker 2: sitting down after weeks of building up resentment and saying

1350
01:03:43,880 --> 01:03:45,680
Speaker 2: you suck at this, you never do this. Da da

1351
01:03:45,720 --> 01:03:47,440
Speaker 2: da da da da dada dah. And there's a difference

1352
01:03:47,480 --> 01:03:50,680
Speaker 2: in that in me saying, hey, I've been feeling overwhelmed,

1353
01:03:51,160 --> 01:03:53,479
Speaker 2: and I'm really saying that I need help around the house,

1354
01:03:53,600 --> 01:03:55,080
Speaker 2: or I need help with the kids, or I need

1355
01:03:55,160 --> 01:03:56,720
Speaker 2: to help on Wednesday nights.

1356
01:03:57,600 --> 01:04:00,920
Speaker 3: This is what that help looks like. Then those are

1357
01:04:00,960 --> 01:04:02,000
Speaker 3: the things that you list.

1358
01:04:02,240 --> 01:04:05,720
Speaker 1: So it might be that there's an initial moment where

1359
01:04:05,760 --> 01:04:08,280
Speaker 1: you share something, but then also a more carved out time.

1360
01:04:08,760 --> 01:04:11,800
Speaker 2: Yeah, and it's the stockpiling is not about like I

1361
01:04:11,840 --> 01:04:13,640
Speaker 2: asked them to do the dishes, take the trash out,

1362
01:04:13,680 --> 01:04:17,200
Speaker 2: and mop the floors. That's not stockpiling. The stockpiling is

1363
01:04:17,640 --> 01:04:21,320
Speaker 2: you're lazy, you never do this, You're always late to this.

1364
01:04:21,520 --> 01:04:24,720
Speaker 2: It's different things versus that's just one.

1365
01:04:24,960 --> 01:04:25,840
Speaker 1: Okay, gotcha is that?

1366
01:04:26,080 --> 01:04:26,240
Speaker 2: Yes?

1367
01:04:26,720 --> 01:04:26,880
Speaker 3: Yes?

1368
01:04:26,960 --> 01:04:29,800
Speaker 1: Thank you? Okay, cool over your taking notes.

1369
01:04:29,960 --> 01:04:36,720
Speaker 2: Yeah, so that's the first horsemen criticism. Very hard word

1370
01:04:36,760 --> 01:04:37,080
Speaker 2: to spell.

1371
01:04:37,720 --> 01:04:38,880
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I agree.

1372
01:04:39,400 --> 01:04:41,480
Speaker 3: We don't have to do this in a specific order.

1373
01:04:41,560 --> 01:04:45,880
Speaker 2: So is there one out of contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling

1374
01:04:45,960 --> 01:04:49,120
Speaker 2: that you really are itching to get at next to

1375
01:04:49,200 --> 01:04:49,960
Speaker 2: tease people.

1376
01:04:49,760 --> 01:04:50,320
Speaker 3: For next week?

1377
01:04:50,600 --> 01:04:54,080
Speaker 1: I mean I think defensive okay, makes sense, and then

1378
01:04:54,320 --> 01:04:57,520
Speaker 1: we go for the third one, we go the most evil.

1379
01:04:57,520 --> 01:05:00,360
Speaker 2: Okay, So we're going to defensiveness next week, and then

1380
01:05:01,280 --> 01:05:03,720
Speaker 2: my personal least favorite is contempt, so we'll do.

1381
01:05:03,760 --> 01:05:06,080
Speaker 1: That, which is the evil one. Yeah, and then stonewalling

1382
01:05:06,080 --> 01:05:07,919
Speaker 1: will be a good one to end on because stone

1383
01:05:07,920 --> 01:05:10,560
Speaker 1: walling is interesting to me. I was having coffee with

1384
01:05:10,680 --> 01:05:12,720
Speaker 1: my brother in law this morning and he used that

1385
01:05:13,000 --> 01:05:15,520
Speaker 1: in a situation he has going on where he felt

1386
01:05:15,960 --> 01:05:18,720
Speaker 1: stone walled, and I was like, oh, it sucks. I

1387
01:05:18,800 --> 01:05:19,080
Speaker 1: hate that.

1388
01:05:19,440 --> 01:05:20,440
Speaker 3: Yeah it does.

1389
01:05:21,000 --> 01:05:23,760
Speaker 1: So it's a good one to to wrap with. So

1390
01:05:23,880 --> 01:05:27,280
Speaker 1: that's the order we'll go in. Hope y'all are enjoying this.

1391
01:05:27,440 --> 01:05:29,320
Speaker 1: Hope it's helpful and hope that you.

1392
01:05:29,400 --> 01:05:31,760
Speaker 3: Have the day you need to have. Bye Bye,