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Speaker 1: On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.

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Speaker 2: We don't want to make assumptions right, seek to understand

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Speaker 2: the motives, the feelings, and perspectives of others involved, and

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Speaker 2: then ask open ended questions right because that promotes dialogue

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Speaker 2: and it can uncover hidden insights.

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Speaker 1: Today's episode is sure to provide you with motivation, inspiration,

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Speaker 1: or a fresh perspective. If you have any AHA moments

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Speaker 1: or appreciate anything from this episode, please leave us a

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Speaker 1: review to let us know we're on the right track. Also,

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Speaker 1: we release episodes every Friday, so be sure to subscribe

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Speaker 1: on iTunes and visit cultivatingheurspace dot com to access our

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Speaker 1: exclusive after show and other bonus content from the Patreon tab.

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Speaker 3: Welcome to Cultivating her Space, a podcast dedicated to uplifting

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Speaker 3: women like you. We're your hosts, doctor Dominique Bussard, a

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Speaker 3: college professor and psychologists.

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Speaker 2: And Terry Lomax, a techy and motivational speaker. In a

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Speaker 2: world where black women are often misrepresented and misunderstood, please

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Speaker 2: join us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything from

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Speaker 2: five roids to fake friends, and create a safe space

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Speaker 2: where black women can just be.

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Speaker 3: Our quote of the day. The quality of our lives

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Speaker 3: depends not on whether or not we have conflicts, but

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Speaker 3: on how we respond to them. And that quote comes

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Speaker 3: to us from Thomas Crumb. Now I'm gonna read that

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Speaker 3: quote one more time for the folks in the back,

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Speaker 3: because lady, if you catch the full episode, you know

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Speaker 3: that there was a blup of real. This is like

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Speaker 3: take two or three, because I got it wrong myself,

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Speaker 3: so if I got it wrong, I know you will too,

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Speaker 3: all Right, the quality of our lives depends not on

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Speaker 3: whether or not we have conflicts, but on how we

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Speaker 3: respond to them. Now, normally, normally I toss it to

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Speaker 3: ut and ask you what you think about this quote. Today,

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Speaker 3: we're gonna switch it up a little bit and I

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Speaker 3: will share what comes up for me when I hear this,

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Speaker 3: and then we'll turn it over to you to really

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Speaker 3: kind of maybe correct me and set the stage. Because, lady,

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Speaker 3: if you don't know, one of Terry's degrees is in

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Speaker 3: conflicts resolution, and so since this is her area of expertise,

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Speaker 3: I'm gonna give my two cents and then let her

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Speaker 3: come in and give us the real all right, So,

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Speaker 3: when I hear our quote of the day, What it

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Speaker 3: says to me is that conflict is inevitable. Like you,

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Speaker 3: it is impossible to go through life and never have

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Speaker 3: any conflict, and so that shouldn't be the focus. The

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Speaker 3: focus really is on how you navigate those conflicts. Like

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Speaker 3: how you navigate conflict can say a lot.

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Speaker 2: Amen to that, I do want to say, I am

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Speaker 2: still very much a student of this work. Okay, it's

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Speaker 2: so sometimes ironic to me that I have my master's

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Speaker 2: in conflict resolution because I still get nervous. I still

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Speaker 2: get a little bit of anxiety and fear around conflict.

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Speaker 2: But we'll talk a bit about that a little bit later, Lady.

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Speaker 2: When I hear this quote, I think for me, it emphasizes,

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Speaker 2: like you said, that conflicts are a natural part of

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Speaker 2: life and it really shapes our experiences. And honestly, I

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Speaker 2: think that without conflict we would be in a lot

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Speaker 2: of trouble because conflict allows us to ideally come up

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Speaker 2: with fresh perspectives, new ideas, and it allows us to

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Speaker 2: grow as a people as a community. And it's funny,

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Speaker 2: Dome years ago, I had a friend and because we

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Speaker 2: didn't have any conflict or any arguments or anything, we

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Speaker 2: thought we had a really great friendship, and over the years,

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Speaker 2: as I began to evolve and grow, I realized that

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Speaker 2: but we didn't have any conflict because oftentimes if something

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Speaker 2: came up and it bothered us, we swept it under

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Speaker 2: the rug, right, And of course that can lead to

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Speaker 2: resentment and other just discord in general. And so I

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Speaker 2: think that the biggest lesson for me when it comes

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Speaker 2: to this quote is that conflict isn't bad.

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Speaker 1: Right.

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Speaker 2: It's literally a disagreement, and as diverse humans, we should

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Speaker 2: be disagreeing, right, But it's all about how we respond

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Speaker 2: and how we nurture the connections in the midst of disagreement. So, lady,

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Speaker 2: we're about to dive into this topic, so I just

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Speaker 2: kind of want to set the stage and kind of

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Speaker 2: give you an idea of what were we talk about

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Speaker 2: and why you should stick around until the end. So,

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Speaker 2: as we say it before, right, conflict is a natural

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Speaker 2: part of life, in our personal relationships and in our

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Speaker 2: professional relationships, right when we interact with the world, and

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Speaker 2: conflict can be very uncomfortable, it can be draining, it

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Speaker 2: can be downright triggering, right sometimes, And when you think

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Speaker 2: about defining conflict, right, conflict is defined as a clash

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Speaker 2: or a serious disagreement, usually in a prolonged state. But again,

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Speaker 2: conflict is natural. It's a natural aspect of the human

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Speaker 2: experience and when hand when handled skillfully, it can open

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Speaker 2: our relationship to deeper levels of intimacy. I know I've

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Speaker 2: experienced that personally. I'm sure you have two dom and

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Speaker 2: so our question for you as we continue to talk

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Speaker 2: about this topic is how do you engage with other

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Speaker 2: humans or even humans you don't like, and create space

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Speaker 2: for all parties to be heard and respected. Right, So

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Speaker 2: kind of think about that in the background of the

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Speaker 2: conversation as we dig in deep, and then when you

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Speaker 2: think about why you should stay until the end. Right,

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Speaker 2: We're going to cover some tips and strategies that will

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Speaker 2: kind of, I want to say, empower you on your journey.

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Speaker 2: Of course, as always take what you need, leave the

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Speaker 2: rest or pass it along, because like everything in life,

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Speaker 2: resolving conflict is a skill that can be developed so

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Speaker 2: that you can navigate through life with authenticity and courage.

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Speaker 2: And the thing is learning conflict resolution skills. It doesn't

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Speaker 2: mean that life will suddenly become pain free or that

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Speaker 2: uncomfortable circumstances will disappear, right Instead, you have the skills

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Speaker 2: needed to handle those situations when they come up. So

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Speaker 2: we're going to dive into the framework and all that

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Speaker 2: good stuff, so we'll be sure to stay until the end.

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Speaker 2: And with that said, Dom, I think we should jump

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Speaker 2: on into our first question, and I'm want to ask

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Speaker 2: you a question, and my question for them is how

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Speaker 2: do you feel about conflict? And where do you think

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Speaker 2: those feelings came from? And Lee do you think about

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Speaker 2: that for yourself as well as you listen to the podcast.

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Speaker 3: So let me sit with that for a moment. I'm

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Speaker 3: trying to sit with the difference between what I think

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Speaker 3: about conflict and what I feel about conflicts. Okay, So

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Speaker 3: for me, what I think about conflict is what we've

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Speaker 3: already stated all right, that it's that it's a necessary

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Speaker 3: part of life, like we are never going to be

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Speaker 3: like without it, like you can't avoid it forever. What

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Speaker 3: I feel I have mixed feelings about conflicts. So there's

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Speaker 3: times where I feel some level of trepidation. There are

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Speaker 3: times when I feel downright angry about it, and then

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Speaker 3: there are other times where I feel I have these

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Speaker 3: not excitement like feelings of like anticipation and so and

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Speaker 3: so I think that all of those different feelings are situational.

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Speaker 3: That the times where I feel like trepidation, it's usually

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Speaker 3: because the person that I'm in conflict with maybe I

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Speaker 3: care a lot about them. Yeah, maybe we haven't had

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Speaker 3: conflicts yet, and so I might be worried about, well,

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Speaker 3: what's gonna happen? How is the relationship going to evolve

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Speaker 3: as we navigate this conflict. Times when I'm find myself

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Speaker 3: like downright, like angry, usually that's more of group conflict

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Speaker 3: of maybe angry isn't the word. Maybe annoyance is the word.

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Speaker 3: That's what it is. Annoyance is the word, because with

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Speaker 3: group conflict, there may be some annoyance because it's like

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Speaker 3: usually somebody's on some bullshit, meaning somebody is there's somebody

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Speaker 3: in the group that is causing the conflict, and then

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Speaker 3: there's somebody in the group who is maybe instigating the

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Speaker 3: person who is the initial agitator. And then there might

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Speaker 3: be somebody who may be avoiding all of it. And

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Speaker 3: then there may be others who are like, why am

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Speaker 3: I here? And so there's someone noise around? Can we

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Speaker 3: figure this out and move forward? Please?

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Speaker 1: Yeah?

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Speaker 3: And so I think for me, I got to this

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Speaker 3: space and having these multiple feelings with life experience and

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Speaker 3: doing the work because previously, like I'm a recovering conflict

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Speaker 3: avoid and so I think that comes along with the

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Speaker 3: conflict avoidance comes along with being a people pleaser. And

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Speaker 3: so previously, if you had asked me this question maybe

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Speaker 3: five six years ago, you may have heard that, yeah,

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Speaker 3: I avoid it, like I'm not trying to do it.

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Speaker 3: But life experience and doing my work has shown me

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Speaker 3: that yeah, flick is necessary, and conflict doesn't have to

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Speaker 3: be this big, huge thing that is insurmountable. It doesn't

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Speaker 3: have to be that.

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Speaker 2: Hey lady, it's Terry here, dom and I want to

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Speaker 2: take a moment to thank you for choosing to listen

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Speaker 2: to our podcast. We love you for real, and we

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Speaker 2: want to give you a chance to learn more about

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Speaker 2: what's important to us. So tell us what you think

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Speaker 2: about this.

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Speaker 4: Imagine a world where you have a chance to get

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Speaker 4: featured on the Cultivating her Space podcast and share your business,

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Speaker 4: brand or perspective with millions around the globe. Imagine joining

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Speaker 4: our monthly virtual video check ins where you can connect

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Speaker 4: with like minded black women like you and share your

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Speaker 4: ideas and episode suggestions with Terry and I Now I

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Speaker 4: want you to imagine a world where you're in the

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Speaker 4: exclusive Cultivating her Space Sanctuary Slack channel, and throughout your

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Speaker 4: day and week, you are converse with us about what's

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Speaker 4: happening in your life and sharing funny gifts and or

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Speaker 4: personal wins. How does that sound?

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Speaker 1: Hopefully this is.

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Speaker 2: Up your alley, lady, because we are taking things to

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Speaker 2: the next level this year, and we're doubling down on

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Speaker 2: investing in our community.

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Speaker 1: That means you.

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Speaker 2: We want to meet you, connect with you, and create

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Speaker 2: communities of genuine women who love on black women and

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Speaker 2: push our culture and movement forward. We launched this podcast

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Speaker 2: We release fresh new content every single Friday, Life clock Work,

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Speaker 2: and we have hundreds of valuable episodes and workshops that

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Speaker 2: can really help you up level your life. So if

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Speaker 2: and you can click that link that says Patreon. All right,

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Speaker 2: lady will hop right back into the conversation. Cool girl,

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Speaker 2: you broke it down, broke it down all the way

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Speaker 2: to the ground. Okay, I'm trying to think of I'm

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Speaker 2: thinking about what you said and also thinking about my

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Speaker 2: feelings and where it came from for me. And I

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Speaker 2: want to say one of the things I really appreciate

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Speaker 2: about what you shared is that it's situational, right. It

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Speaker 2: often is situation like when it's funny when you talked

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Speaker 2: about I know there are some people that I know

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Speaker 2: who love conflicts like they they get off on it. Okay,

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Speaker 2: they ready to go off, they want to go and

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Speaker 2: it's because of whatever experiences they've had. Some people just

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Speaker 2: get a thrill out of that. But when you mentioned

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Speaker 2: anticipate it, it made me think about when the customer

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Speaker 2: service wrap. I'm usually very polite on the phone, right

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Speaker 2: when we do on our at and T you know,

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Speaker 2: situations you got to call the companies or whatever. But

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Speaker 2: sometimes when I have my facts and I'm like, y'all, y'all,

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Speaker 2: y'all fuck around to find out, I'll be.

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Speaker 3: Ready for it.

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Speaker 2: Like scut manager represented it like all that, you don't

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Speaker 2: what I mean. So that's not a situation that made

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Speaker 2: me think. I thought about that when you talked about

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Speaker 2: anticipating it. But to go back to the question about

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Speaker 2: how I feel about conflict, like you, I know it's necessary,

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Speaker 2: all the things we just said, blah blah blah, right,

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Speaker 2: like all that, and I still get a little nervous.

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Speaker 2: I still get the butterflies. I'm not waking up looking

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Speaker 2: for conflict. I mean, it happens, and I'm like, okay,

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Speaker 2: I'm an adult. I want to show up in this way.

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Speaker 2: I want to advocate for myself or advocate for this

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Speaker 2: person or do whatever I need to do. But I'm

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Speaker 2: also thinking about not just conflict on but just tricky

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Speaker 2: situations or tense situations, because sometimes it's not really conflict

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Speaker 2: per se, but it's like we're in a situation where

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Speaker 2: we need to address something right addressed discomfort and for me,

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Speaker 2: sometimes I like to be low key and chill, but

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Speaker 2: sometimes speaking up in general can call some of those.

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Speaker 1: Feelings that you shared. And I think a lot of.

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Speaker 2: It now, I think I know that a lot of

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Speaker 2: it comes goes back to childhood, right, and being in

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Speaker 2: a space where I wasn't able to speak up and

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Speaker 2: where I was a people pleaser as well, and where

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Speaker 2: I was avoidant, and where I was in a space

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Speaker 2: where if I did speak up, I could be harmed.

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Speaker 2: And so even this big ass age ladies, I'm still

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Speaker 2: working through some of that stuff. But here we are, right,

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Speaker 2: We're doing the work, which is really exciting. And so

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Speaker 2: I guess, lady, as you think about you know the

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Speaker 2: question that we asked, answer that for yourself as well,

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Speaker 2: whether you're generally listening to the episode, or you're chatting

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Speaker 2: with your girls, or you're just talking to us like

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Speaker 2: we're your girlfriends, because we're your girlfriends too, you know,

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Speaker 2: let us know in the comments on our Instagram at

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Speaker 2: her Space podcast, how do you feel about conflict and

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Speaker 2: where do you think it came from? And then the

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Speaker 2: other question I wanted to ask dom is what are

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Speaker 2: some of the common misconceptions people have about conflict that

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Speaker 2: lead to avoidance in your opinion and experience.

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Speaker 3: So, I think one of the biggest misconceptions is that,

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Speaker 3: like I mentioned before, that conflict is going to be

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Speaker 3: this huge thing, right, that it's going to lead to

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Speaker 3: our long debate, and that it's usually about something really important, right,

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Speaker 3: and that if we engage in this conflict, we can

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Speaker 3: never come back from it. And when I hear that,

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Speaker 3: when I think about that, I get it. If those

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Speaker 3: are the misconceptions, Like, if those are the misconceptions, if

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Speaker 3: those are the things that people think about, it makes

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Speaker 3: sense that you would want to avoid that, particularly in

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Speaker 3: relationships that you've vas. You that if the thought is that, well,

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Speaker 3: if we engage in conflicts, then that means this relationship

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Speaker 3: is over. But if you really value this person and

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Speaker 3: value this relationship, of course you don't want it to end.

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Speaker 3: And so if thinking that conflict is going to cause

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Speaker 3: the relationship to end, hell, yeah, you're gonna avoid it

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Speaker 3: because you want to maintain the relationship. Another misconception is

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Speaker 3: that having conflicts with someone means that you all don't

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Speaker 3: like one another, you all don't care for one another.

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Speaker 3: The reality is that it's actually the opposite, right, that

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Speaker 3: when you engage in conflicts and you navigate conflict in

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Speaker 3: a healthy way, that's a sign that you truly do

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Speaker 3: care about the other person.

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Speaker 2: That's a good point because if you didn't care, and

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Speaker 2: you'd be like fuck that. I've had situations to where

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Speaker 2: I was like, I'm just not gonna say shit because

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Speaker 2: I really don't care, like whatever O thing's happened. So, Okay,

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Speaker 2: there are a couple other things I want to talk

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Speaker 2: about before we dive into the framework. So I'm writing

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Speaker 2: this down so I don't forget, So I'm just gonna

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Speaker 2: put it out there first so we can kind of

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Speaker 2: stay on track and hold each other accountable. So the

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Speaker 2: first thing I want to talk about is, is there

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Speaker 2: a situation that each of us have had where avoiding

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Speaker 2: a conflict actually made things worse?

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Speaker 1: And then if we can like tell a.

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Speaker 2: Story or talk about a time that we navigated a

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Speaker 2: conflict like head on, like we just did that thing, right.

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Speaker 2: So I'm trying to think about a tone I avoided conflict.

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Speaker 2: I mean, the only thing I can think about, don like,

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Speaker 2: you know, I've relocated recently in my neighborhood is so

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Speaker 2: fucking loud and I told you you were don paying

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Speaker 2: to visit me, y'all last weekend.

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Speaker 1: I think it was yes.

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Speaker 2: I even as we're recording right now, Like I hear

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Speaker 2: him up there, he's loud as shit. And if you

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Speaker 2: listen to the podcast, sir, I done told you, so

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Speaker 2: let me walk through the Actually, I could use this

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Speaker 2: for both examples, dob, and that would give you some

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Speaker 2: time to think about yours.

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Speaker 1: In case you don't.

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Speaker 5: So.

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Speaker 2: First things first, when I moved in, I heard his

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Speaker 2: loud ass walking and it literally it took me forever, y'all.

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Speaker 2: When I tell you, I pick and choose my battles.

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Speaker 2: So usually if I'm advocating for someone else or something

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Speaker 2: that someone else is dealing with, I'm more inclined to

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Speaker 2: approach it. But I really i'd just be chilling.

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Speaker 1: I'd be laid back. I'm cool, but girl, I'm a

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Speaker 1: peaceful person.

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Speaker 2: I like to meditate and live a uiet, peaceful life,

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Speaker 2: and it's very challenging to do that when somebody's stomping

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Speaker 2: like an elephant about you. So when I began to

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Speaker 2: take notes, my first step was to take notes to

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Speaker 2: my notebooks. I was like, okay, am I notepad on

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Speaker 2: my phone. I'm like, it's just me, am I bugging.

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Speaker 2: Let me just write this down. This I had a

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Speaker 2: whole three month log of the time stamps. When he

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Speaker 2: was walking, I said, okay, I got to say something.

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Speaker 2: But I was so nervous to go up there and

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Speaker 2: knock on his door, because when you think about it

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Speaker 2: wasn't necessarily a conflict. It was more so confrontation, right,

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Speaker 2: So we weren't disagaining about anything yet, right. It was

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Speaker 2: more for me confronting him about something, and that sometimes

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Speaker 2: it gives me pause, right, little nervous. So I and

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Speaker 2: y'all don't judge me. This is from my history. This

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Speaker 2: is like it takes so it took a lot for

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Speaker 2: me to do this.

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Speaker 1: But I went. I walked through my mind how I

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Speaker 1: was going to approach it.

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Speaker 2: I'm knocking on the closet door in my apartment, like

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Speaker 2: I don't even know he looks like whatever. So I'm

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Speaker 2: knocking on the door. I'm practicing my little script. And

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Speaker 2: when I tell you, I went up there and I

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Speaker 2: knocked on the door, and I basically, you know, said

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Speaker 2: what I had to say. I can't even remember what

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Speaker 2: I said, y'all, because don't even get me started on that.

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Speaker 2: But when I tell you, when I walked up there,

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Speaker 2: down my nerves I had to take so many intentional

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Speaker 2: deep breaths. My my inside were just going all crazy.

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Speaker 2: It was so and I was very very nervous because

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Speaker 2: the thing for me was the first impression is everything,

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Speaker 2: and because he holds the power, he lives above me.

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Speaker 2: I didn't want to come off as an asshole. I

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Speaker 2: wanted to be very intentional. So I went up there

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Speaker 2: and basically just said like, hey, I'm your new neighbor.

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Speaker 2: You know, I always like to just try to lean

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Speaker 2: into clarity as well, like hey, I look below you.

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Speaker 1: I'm hearing these sounds.

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Speaker 2: It sounds like it's coming from here, right because I

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Speaker 2: want to, you know, get a vibe.

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Speaker 1: So I got his number and so.

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Speaker 2: Now as I you know, after I approached him and

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Speaker 2: I got his number, I was like, okay, cool, we

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Speaker 2: should be better the same night. Y'all still heard noises,

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Speaker 2: still heard the stomp, and I still continue to hear things,

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Speaker 2: and so I've texted them twice since that time. But

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Speaker 2: to go back to the question, because I'm saying focused

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Speaker 2: when I was not saying anything to him, Like when

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Speaker 2: I avoided the conflict or confrontation. It began to fester

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Speaker 2: within me because I wasn't letting it out, I wasn't

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Speaker 2: expressing it, and so I was down here for three

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Speaker 2: months just jotting shit down and struggling and wanted the

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Speaker 2: custom out and I felt like I was. It was

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Speaker 2: building up inside of me, and it made me feel

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Speaker 2: some top of way like y'all. Y'all may have saw

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Speaker 2: me on snapped if I kept that in right. So

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Speaker 2: I think for me, that's a situation where I felt

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Speaker 2: like when I avoided the confrontation and actually made things worse,

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Speaker 2: and now that I have said something, the balls in

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Speaker 2: his court. I did text him twice and he's like, oh,

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Speaker 2: I'm sitting on the couch, He's not doing anything, but

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Speaker 2: it does feel better to have said something, even though

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Speaker 2: the noise is continuing. So those are my scenarios. Don

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Speaker 2: any feedback on that situation, because I know you witnessed

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Speaker 2: the first hand, and then I want to hear about

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Speaker 2: your conflict avoided.

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Speaker 3: I did witness that firsthand, and you know, I think

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Speaker 3: I think I like how you explained that how initially

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Speaker 3: it turned into confrontation was initially it was a confrontation,

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Speaker 3: right because you're you're observing something and you're wanting to

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Speaker 3: address it, you're needing to address it. It then moved

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Speaker 3: into conflict because he clearly, even though he gave you

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Speaker 3: his number and said like, okay, you let me know

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Speaker 3: when you hear it again, like, his actions demonstrate that

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Speaker 3: he disagreed with your observations. So then that that now

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Speaker 3: makes it a conflict. And then when you the times

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Speaker 3: that you text him to say, hey, sound like I

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Speaker 3: heard of the elephants up there and my baby trying

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Speaker 3: to sleep, Like that is you, that's you addressing the conflict.

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Speaker 3: And I think what I appreciate about this example that

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Speaker 3: you share is that one, it doesn't always feel good, right,

401
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Speaker 3: and so like what you felt in your body is real,

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Speaker 3: like and you still did it.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: And then two, even when we address a conflict, that

405
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Speaker 3: does not guarantee that it's going to go in our favor,

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Speaker 3: and that shouldn't stop us from engaging in it. So

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Speaker 3: it's never a guarantee that it's going to move in

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Speaker 3: our favor. So yes, I appreciate I appreciate that example.

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Speaker 2: Thank you, girl, I appreciate your insight.

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Speaker 1: Did you think a child.

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Speaker 3: I did, so I thought of a recent one. Okay,

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Speaker 3: And so with this example that I'm going to share,

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Speaker 3: it's it's about like emotional safety and physical safety, right

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Speaker 3: in terms of why I made the steps that I

415
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Speaker 3: took the steps that I did and engaged in it

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Speaker 3: in this way. So I have a new neighbor, I

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Speaker 3: know it's it's yeah, neighbors. That's a relationship where you

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Speaker 3: probably will have conflict because you don't choose your neighbors.

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Speaker 3: So I have a new neighbor and one weekend, I'm

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Speaker 3: out on my patio and I noticed they put up

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Speaker 3: a political sign. And the political sign that they put

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Speaker 3: up the person that they're endorsing I don't support. I

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Speaker 3: don't agree with. So right there, that's conflict for me,

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Speaker 3: right because I don't agree with who they are supporting.

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Speaker 3: I saw it and I felt I felt unsafe. I

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Speaker 3: found myself questioning what neighborhood am my end I never

427
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Speaker 3: felt unsafe in this neighborhood before this is this is

428
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Speaker 3: gonna get interesting, Okay, so what do I do about it?

429
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Speaker 3: So there was a piece of me that felt like

430
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Speaker 3: for my own safety because of the political the person

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Speaker 3: that they're like endorsing my automatic thoughts and maybe these

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00:26:05,119 --> 00:26:11,040
Speaker 3: are stereotypes that I hold, is that if I directly

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Speaker 3: address it with this person, with my neighbor, that there

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Speaker 3: may be my physical safety may be at risk. And

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Speaker 3: so what I decided to do was while I was

436
00:26:25,640 --> 00:26:31,240
Speaker 3: while I was going to avoid directly engaging with my neighbor,

437
00:26:33,280 --> 00:26:35,800
Speaker 3: I knew that I still needed to address the conflict

438
00:26:35,880 --> 00:26:39,159
Speaker 3: in some way. I live in an apartment complex with

439
00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:42,400
Speaker 3: a property manager. So what did I do. I went

440
00:26:42,480 --> 00:26:46,639
Speaker 3: and spoke to my property manager. And there are ways

441
00:26:46,680 --> 00:26:49,240
Speaker 3: in which my like, there are certain things that my

442
00:26:49,280 --> 00:26:51,840
Speaker 3: property manager was able to do, there were certain things

443
00:26:51,840 --> 00:26:55,040
Speaker 3: that they weren't able to do in terms of addressing

444
00:26:55,040 --> 00:27:00,960
Speaker 3: the issue. And so for me, what felt in important

445
00:27:01,480 --> 00:27:05,520
Speaker 3: was that I found a way to speak up for

446
00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:12,280
Speaker 3: myself to address the conflict while still protecting my physical safety.

447
00:27:13,280 --> 00:27:16,800
Speaker 2: That is a very good example, DOM And I'm still processing.

448
00:27:16,880 --> 00:27:18,440
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, I didn't know about this girl.

449
00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:21,600
Speaker 2: So I'm just processing that situation, and I feel you

450
00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:26,880
Speaker 2: like that is that definitely gives gives me pause as well,

451
00:27:26,920 --> 00:27:28,760
Speaker 2: Like you're living next to someone and they have I

452
00:27:28,760 --> 00:27:33,600
Speaker 2: already know, yeah, they had, we know, we know, And

453
00:27:33,640 --> 00:27:35,960
Speaker 2: so I think you definitely did the right thing there,

454
00:27:35,960 --> 00:27:38,320
Speaker 2: and I don't I don't necessarily think that that's avoidant,

455
00:27:38,359 --> 00:27:40,320
Speaker 2: like you pointed out right, like even though you're avoid

456
00:27:40,400 --> 00:27:42,480
Speaker 2: talking to them directly, I think that you definitely took

457
00:27:42,600 --> 00:27:45,760
Speaker 2: you took another approach which still allowed you to advocate

458
00:27:45,800 --> 00:27:48,360
Speaker 2: for yourself and say something. So, even if it isn't

459
00:27:48,400 --> 00:27:51,560
Speaker 2: taken down, you did take some steps to to see

460
00:27:51,560 --> 00:27:55,159
Speaker 2: what you could have done. Right. Yes, yes, yeah, that

461
00:27:55,240 --> 00:27:58,760
Speaker 2: was a good example. Oh okay, okay, So shall we

462
00:27:58,840 --> 00:27:59,640
Speaker 2: get into the.

463
00:27:59,600 --> 00:28:00,640
Speaker 1: Framework a little bit?

464
00:28:01,200 --> 00:28:02,280
Speaker 3: Yes, let's do it.

465
00:28:02,400 --> 00:28:04,960
Speaker 2: All right, let's do it. So, lady, I just are

466
00:28:05,000 --> 00:28:06,520
Speaker 2: going to give you some context. I'm actually going to

467
00:28:06,600 --> 00:28:11,560
Speaker 2: read off of. I have this little template framework I

468
00:28:11,640 --> 00:28:14,439
Speaker 2: created in Canada a while back when I was just

469
00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:15,879
Speaker 2: doing some self work, and I was like, you know

470
00:28:15,920 --> 00:28:18,120
Speaker 2: what I'm going to create. I don't want to find

471
00:28:18,119 --> 00:28:20,800
Speaker 2: myself in a situation where I'm dealing with conflict and

472
00:28:21,040 --> 00:28:23,159
Speaker 2: I don't feel equipped or I feel like I always

473
00:28:23,240 --> 00:28:25,000
Speaker 2: have to go to my Therapist's not that you know,

474
00:28:25,080 --> 00:28:26,920
Speaker 2: the therapist is amazing, but I also want to be

475
00:28:26,920 --> 00:28:29,240
Speaker 2: empowered to do some of this work on myself, because

476
00:28:29,240 --> 00:28:31,639
Speaker 2: what I realized is that over the years, there were

477
00:28:31,680 --> 00:28:35,160
Speaker 2: certain situations that I was consistently bringing up in therapy

478
00:28:35,480 --> 00:28:37,760
Speaker 2: and I was like, you know what, I could probably

479
00:28:37,760 --> 00:28:40,000
Speaker 2: create something for myself, so I can leverage this and

480
00:28:40,040 --> 00:28:42,360
Speaker 2: we still might talk about this in therapy, but I

481
00:28:42,400 --> 00:28:44,560
Speaker 2: also feel equipped that if I don't have a session

482
00:28:44,600 --> 00:28:47,240
Speaker 2: that week, right, I can go over this on my

483
00:28:47,320 --> 00:28:49,440
Speaker 2: own and feel empowered to do that, and we can

484
00:28:49,480 --> 00:28:52,200
Speaker 2: spend time talking about other things in therapy as well. Right,

485
00:28:52,480 --> 00:28:56,440
Speaker 2: So I created this framework called the base Communication Template,

486
00:28:56,520 --> 00:28:58,479
Speaker 2: I guess you would call it, And I'm just going

487
00:28:58,560 --> 00:29:01,040
Speaker 2: to go over what base means from a high level,

488
00:29:01,040 --> 00:29:02,479
Speaker 2: and then don maybe I can go over each one

489
00:29:02,520 --> 00:29:03,680
Speaker 2: and we can kind of talk through it a little

490
00:29:03,680 --> 00:29:07,400
Speaker 2: bit together, yep son from a high level base. We

491
00:29:07,440 --> 00:29:10,080
Speaker 2: did an episode about this, two lady. So it's B

492
00:29:10,400 --> 00:29:16,320
Speaker 2: A C. B is for breathe, A is for assess

493
00:29:16,480 --> 00:29:23,520
Speaker 2: and observe. C curiosity adds clarity, E express your feelings,

494
00:29:23,560 --> 00:29:27,080
Speaker 2: and a call to action if possible. So let's talk

495
00:29:27,120 --> 00:29:30,280
Speaker 2: about the first step here, which is breathe. And the

496
00:29:30,320 --> 00:29:32,720
Speaker 2: first step in this framework is to literally pause and

497
00:29:32,760 --> 00:29:35,360
Speaker 2: take a deep breath before reacting. And if you remember

498
00:29:35,360 --> 00:29:37,200
Speaker 2: from the story I told you earlier about me going

499
00:29:37,240 --> 00:29:40,239
Speaker 2: upstairs to talk to my neighbor. My body was in

500
00:29:40,880 --> 00:29:42,560
Speaker 2: I'm trying to think, domb what was I in fight?

501
00:29:42,680 --> 00:29:43,600
Speaker 2: I guess because I was.

502
00:29:43,640 --> 00:29:46,320
Speaker 1: I wasn't. I wasn't flighting, I wasn't I wasn't leaving.

503
00:29:46,360 --> 00:29:48,160
Speaker 1: I was. I was in it. So I guess my

504
00:29:48,160 --> 00:29:50,080
Speaker 1: body was just responding to.

505
00:29:50,280 --> 00:29:54,160
Speaker 2: The the the intensity of the situation because it was

506
00:29:54,400 --> 00:29:56,800
Speaker 2: very uncomfortable for me. So I literally took a moment

507
00:29:57,280 --> 00:29:59,800
Speaker 2: to take some deep breaths outside of the hallway, put

508
00:29:59,800 --> 00:30:02,280
Speaker 2: my hand on my heart, and call myself down. I

509
00:30:02,320 --> 00:30:05,040
Speaker 2: think that that moment of mindfulness can help you regain

510
00:30:05,080 --> 00:30:09,800
Speaker 2: control over your emotions and avoid impulsive responses or just

511
00:30:09,880 --> 00:30:11,880
Speaker 2: kind of being all over with your words. You can

512
00:30:11,960 --> 00:30:14,000
Speaker 2: kind of get grounded. So I think that is a great.

513
00:30:13,800 --> 00:30:16,920
Speaker 1: First step in most situations.

514
00:30:17,200 --> 00:30:18,960
Speaker 2: This is all going to be situational, lady, Okay, So

515
00:30:19,040 --> 00:30:20,600
Speaker 2: take everything with the grain of salt. Because there are

516
00:30:20,640 --> 00:30:23,800
Speaker 2: situations where you need to jump into action right away.

517
00:30:24,040 --> 00:30:26,320
Speaker 2: There are other situations where you have time to step away,

518
00:30:26,400 --> 00:30:29,240
Speaker 2: get yourself together, maybe write a letter, or approach it

519
00:30:29,280 --> 00:30:29,800
Speaker 2: in a different way.

520
00:30:29,840 --> 00:30:32,920
Speaker 1: So that is the first step. Anything that you want

521
00:30:32,960 --> 00:30:35,640
Speaker 1: to add to that, don I would.

522
00:30:35,360 --> 00:30:37,640
Speaker 3: Say, you know, in terms of getting in touch with

523
00:30:37,760 --> 00:30:41,280
Speaker 3: in tune with your body and what you're feeling that

524
00:30:41,600 --> 00:30:46,920
Speaker 3: when you feel that activation, that is your body's signal

525
00:30:47,120 --> 00:30:54,720
Speaker 3: to let you know that there's something troubling ahead, right,

526
00:30:55,600 --> 00:31:02,800
Speaker 3: And it could be troubling because of the out side forces,

527
00:31:02,840 --> 00:31:07,160
Speaker 3: but it could also be troubling because it's a reminder

528
00:31:08,320 --> 00:31:13,800
Speaker 3: of things that have happened to you in your past, okay,

529
00:31:14,760 --> 00:31:19,640
Speaker 3: And so it's important no matter what it is, what's

530
00:31:19,720 --> 00:31:24,200
Speaker 3: causing it, it's important to initially pause and acknowledge it.

531
00:31:25,240 --> 00:31:29,400
Speaker 3: And that's when the breath doing the breath work really helps, right,

532
00:31:30,120 --> 00:31:34,240
Speaker 3: because in doing the breath work it honestly, that's what

533
00:31:34,400 --> 00:31:39,360
Speaker 3: helps you to identify whether you are going to go

534
00:31:39,480 --> 00:31:49,560
Speaker 3: into fight, flight freeze it. And so the reality also

535
00:31:49,920 --> 00:31:52,680
Speaker 3: is that some of that happens in like split second.

536
00:31:53,040 --> 00:31:55,240
Speaker 1: Mm hmm okay, right.

537
00:31:55,520 --> 00:31:59,080
Speaker 3: So as you were mentioning that, okay, well, it's situational.

538
00:32:00,600 --> 00:32:05,240
Speaker 3: When you notice that activation in your body and you

539
00:32:05,360 --> 00:32:13,040
Speaker 3: take those breaths to center and ground yourself, you then decide, Okay,

540
00:32:13,840 --> 00:32:18,480
Speaker 3: is this a fight moment? Is it that I'm not safe?

541
00:32:18,480 --> 00:32:22,680
Speaker 3: And so I do need to take flight? Or do

542
00:32:22,760 --> 00:32:26,720
Speaker 3: I really have no idea what to do despite taking

543
00:32:26,760 --> 00:32:30,560
Speaker 3: my breaths, I might not have any idea what to do,

544
00:32:30,960 --> 00:32:34,200
Speaker 3: So I'm gonna freeze. And it may be in that

545
00:32:34,320 --> 00:32:38,200
Speaker 3: freezing where you're like, I need to take some time

546
00:32:38,400 --> 00:32:39,720
Speaker 3: and come back and revisit.

547
00:32:40,600 --> 00:32:42,040
Speaker 1: Right. That's a good point.

548
00:32:42,080 --> 00:32:45,520
Speaker 2: And I'm also thinking about us, some of us being

549
00:32:45,640 --> 00:32:48,880
Speaker 2: in a remote world primarily where we're working from home,

550
00:32:48,920 --> 00:32:51,760
Speaker 2: and so I'm thinking about a situation where you might

551
00:32:52,280 --> 00:32:55,920
Speaker 2: get a nasty email or email with a little two

552
00:32:56,160 --> 00:32:58,240
Speaker 2: when you do have some space and you can actually

553
00:32:58,520 --> 00:33:00,360
Speaker 2: need the kind of assess And there's some questions that

554
00:33:00,440 --> 00:33:02,880
Speaker 2: come to mind within this particular step that you can

555
00:33:02,920 --> 00:33:05,680
Speaker 2: potentially ask yourself, lady. So some of those questions include

556
00:33:06,440 --> 00:33:09,200
Speaker 2: what just happened? Right, like kind of objectively speaking, just

557
00:33:09,480 --> 00:33:12,720
Speaker 2: what happened without the emotion, without the you know, the

558
00:33:13,240 --> 00:33:17,000
Speaker 2: extra adjectives, like just state what happened, and then you know.

559
00:33:16,960 --> 00:33:17,720
Speaker 1: What came up for me?

560
00:33:17,800 --> 00:33:19,720
Speaker 2: Is I reflected on what happened and I triggered?

561
00:33:19,720 --> 00:33:22,000
Speaker 1: Am I hurt? Am I sad? Like?

562
00:33:22,080 --> 00:33:23,760
Speaker 2: What how do I feel? And then how does my

563
00:33:23,800 --> 00:33:26,840
Speaker 2: body physically feel? Is it hot? Am I sick to

564
00:33:26,880 --> 00:33:29,680
Speaker 2: my stomach? Like, what are the feelings? What would my

565
00:33:29,760 --> 00:33:31,600
Speaker 2: knee jerk reaction be in the situation?

566
00:33:31,800 --> 00:33:32,000
Speaker 3: Right?

567
00:33:32,040 --> 00:33:34,840
Speaker 2: It might be like yeah, Georgia, you know it might whatever.

568
00:33:34,880 --> 00:33:37,680
Speaker 2: It might be like asking yourself that, and then ego

569
00:33:37,760 --> 00:33:40,040
Speaker 2: and emotions aside, what do you want?

570
00:33:40,280 --> 00:33:40,440
Speaker 1: Right?

571
00:33:40,480 --> 00:33:42,400
Speaker 2: What am I trying to communicate? I think those are

572
00:33:42,400 --> 00:33:45,360
Speaker 2: some great questions to reflect on when you're in that

573
00:33:45,440 --> 00:33:48,680
Speaker 2: sort of breathing stage. If the opportunity presents itself where

574
00:33:48,720 --> 00:33:52,760
Speaker 2: you can, you have space to do that. So let's

575
00:33:52,800 --> 00:33:55,880
Speaker 2: move on to number two. Number two is assess and observe.

576
00:33:56,040 --> 00:33:59,000
Speaker 2: So after taking that breath, it's essential to assess the

577
00:33:59,000 --> 00:34:02,840
Speaker 2: situation objective and observe what is happening around you, right,

578
00:34:02,880 --> 00:34:04,840
Speaker 2: so you can ask yourself questions like what is the

579
00:34:04,840 --> 00:34:07,160
Speaker 2: context of the situation, what are the facts which we

580
00:34:07,240 --> 00:34:10,400
Speaker 2: stayed there earlier? Who was involved? This step helps you

581
00:34:10,480 --> 00:34:15,040
Speaker 2: gather information and prevents making assumptions for hasty judgments. I

582
00:34:15,040 --> 00:34:18,200
Speaker 2: know sometimes when something happens, especially less use the email

583
00:34:18,239 --> 00:34:20,839
Speaker 2: example where someone sends something or to comment on social media.

584
00:34:20,880 --> 00:34:22,600
Speaker 2: I've had that too, where someone says a comment and

585
00:34:22,680 --> 00:34:24,680
Speaker 2: you want to your knee jerk reaction is just like

586
00:34:25,000 --> 00:34:26,680
Speaker 2: you heed it, like you feel that you feel the

587
00:34:26,800 --> 00:34:29,319
Speaker 2: fay in within and you just I'm about to tell

588
00:34:29,360 --> 00:34:33,480
Speaker 2: her and you respond. Usually oftentimes when we are hasty

589
00:34:33,520 --> 00:34:36,400
Speaker 2: in our response, we often regret it and god, I

590
00:34:36,440 --> 00:34:38,759
Speaker 2: should have waited and she just took a breath and

591
00:34:38,880 --> 00:34:41,239
Speaker 2: pause for a moment and we got a delete or

592
00:34:41,520 --> 00:34:43,200
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. So I think the assessing

593
00:34:43,239 --> 00:34:45,120
Speaker 2: and observing is also really important.

594
00:34:45,360 --> 00:34:49,879
Speaker 3: What about you, Dom, Yeah, I agree, and I think

595
00:34:49,880 --> 00:34:51,919
Speaker 3: you said I think you said it well that Yes,

596
00:34:51,960 --> 00:34:56,040
Speaker 3: it is important to step back and and identify the

597
00:34:56,080 --> 00:35:02,600
Speaker 3: facts because, like you said, when we are it's natural

598
00:35:03,440 --> 00:35:08,520
Speaker 3: for us to have that emotional response initially, but if

599
00:35:08,520 --> 00:35:14,359
Speaker 3: we give ourselves time to assess an observe, then we

600
00:35:14,400 --> 00:35:19,759
Speaker 3: are more likely to respond versus reacting and can have

601
00:35:19,840 --> 00:35:26,239
Speaker 3: the opportunity to navigate the conflict in a way that

602
00:35:27,880 --> 00:35:32,480
Speaker 3: could be helpful, you know, could lead to a healthier

603
00:35:32,600 --> 00:35:36,800
Speaker 3: dynamic between those who are involved.

604
00:35:37,760 --> 00:35:42,000
Speaker 2: Yes, spot spot on, spot on with that, and that

605
00:35:42,040 --> 00:35:46,239
Speaker 2: takes us to see, which is curiosity as clarity, So

606
00:35:46,320 --> 00:35:48,440
Speaker 2: get curious. This is one of my favorite parts because

607
00:35:48,440 --> 00:35:52,440
Speaker 2: sometimes there are genuine misunderstandings and we won't we don't

608
00:35:52,480 --> 00:35:55,680
Speaker 2: know unless we ask and get clarity. And here sometimes

609
00:35:55,680 --> 00:35:56,920
Speaker 2: you got to hear the other person like.

610
00:35:56,880 --> 00:35:58,319
Speaker 1: What did you mean by that? Right?

611
00:35:58,480 --> 00:36:02,759
Speaker 2: Let me ask some questions here. So curiosity foster's understanding.

612
00:36:02,840 --> 00:36:02,960
Speaker 3: Right.

613
00:36:03,000 --> 00:36:06,600
Speaker 2: It opens the door to effective communication. So by approaching

614
00:36:06,600 --> 00:36:09,160
Speaker 2: the situation with clarity, you aim to gain a better

615
00:36:09,440 --> 00:36:13,000
Speaker 2: or clearer perspective. So instead of making assumptions or adding

616
00:36:13,040 --> 00:36:15,880
Speaker 2: you know, how we do, we'd be adding tone to emojis.

617
00:36:16,080 --> 00:36:19,120
Speaker 2: And even though I swear there's some tone that I

618
00:36:19,320 --> 00:36:22,520
Speaker 2: swear I could tell sometimes. But anyway, we all to

619
00:36:22,520 --> 00:36:26,040
Speaker 2: make assumptions right, seek to understand the motives, the feelings

620
00:36:26,120 --> 00:36:30,359
Speaker 2: and perspectives of others involved, and then ask open ended questions, right,

621
00:36:30,360 --> 00:36:35,000
Speaker 2: because that promotes dialogue and it can uncover hidden insights.

622
00:36:35,000 --> 00:36:37,360
Speaker 2: So don what do you have to say about assumptions

623
00:36:37,400 --> 00:36:38,879
Speaker 2: and clarity and all that?

624
00:36:39,560 --> 00:36:44,520
Speaker 3: I love this getting curious right? Like I love One

625
00:36:44,560 --> 00:36:46,719
Speaker 3: of the things that I work with my clients on

626
00:36:46,960 --> 00:36:50,480
Speaker 3: is when they're trying to engage with someone where there

627
00:36:50,480 --> 00:36:54,040
Speaker 3: may be conflict or just improving communication right is to

628
00:36:55,520 --> 00:36:58,759
Speaker 3: get curious and to often use that language right to

629
00:36:59,200 --> 00:37:06,839
Speaker 3: state what happen and say, I'm curious about your perspective

630
00:37:06,920 --> 00:37:13,960
Speaker 3: on what happened here? And oftentimes when they when the

631
00:37:14,000 --> 00:37:20,560
Speaker 3: other person shares their perspective, we might find that either

632
00:37:20,600 --> 00:37:27,160
Speaker 3: we made assumptions that were wrong. Yeah, oftentimes it's we

633
00:37:27,160 --> 00:37:32,320
Speaker 3: we made some assumptions that were wrong, or we made

634
00:37:32,320 --> 00:37:36,359
Speaker 3: it about us and that's why we were having deep

635
00:37:36,400 --> 00:37:41,360
Speaker 3: feelings about it when really it was about something totally

636
00:37:42,000 --> 00:37:46,400
Speaker 3: not related to us or not related to the situation

637
00:37:46,520 --> 00:37:52,439
Speaker 3: at hand. And now that we have clarity, we see

638
00:37:52,480 --> 00:37:55,520
Speaker 3: that there really is no need for the conflict in

639
00:37:55,560 --> 00:37:56,279
Speaker 3: the first place.

640
00:37:57,120 --> 00:38:01,399
Speaker 2: M That's that's a good point, Don, because I think

641
00:38:01,400 --> 00:38:05,239
Speaker 2: a lot of times it usually isn't about us, right.

642
00:38:05,280 --> 00:38:06,640
Speaker 2: It might seem like it's about us, but a lot

643
00:38:06,680 --> 00:38:08,560
Speaker 2: of times it's really about the art, like other people

644
00:38:08,640 --> 00:38:11,799
Speaker 2: everyone singing in living life from their lens by way,

645
00:38:11,840 --> 00:38:16,360
Speaker 2: and their experiences and their perspectives, their biases, all that stuff.

646
00:38:16,400 --> 00:38:18,279
Speaker 2: And so there are a couple of questions that you

647
00:38:18,320 --> 00:38:20,759
Speaker 2: can ask yourself when you're in the curiosity stage and

648
00:38:20,840 --> 00:38:22,560
Speaker 2: ask the person, and Don kind of went into some

649
00:38:22,600 --> 00:38:24,160
Speaker 2: of them, which is great. So the first one is

650
00:38:24,680 --> 00:38:26,839
Speaker 2: what is my perspective on the situation, Like how did

651
00:38:26,880 --> 00:38:29,759
Speaker 2: I perceive what just happened? And this is what I

652
00:38:29,800 --> 00:38:31,680
Speaker 2: love to do, is kind of journal about like when

653
00:38:31,719 --> 00:38:34,279
Speaker 2: I have the time and when it's a situation that

654
00:38:34,440 --> 00:38:37,480
Speaker 2: isn't an emergency or something that's right in front of me.

655
00:38:37,520 --> 00:38:39,720
Speaker 2: If it's like that email or that message, I reflect

656
00:38:39,760 --> 00:38:42,240
Speaker 2: on this a journal about it myself. The next question

657
00:38:42,400 --> 00:38:46,560
Speaker 2: is what do you believe are the underlying motives behind

658
00:38:46,600 --> 00:38:49,719
Speaker 2: this decision or action to like just get everything out

659
00:38:49,760 --> 00:38:52,040
Speaker 2: of your brains. You can just kind of flash everything out.

660
00:38:52,200 --> 00:38:53,600
Speaker 2: And then if I were to put myself in the

661
00:38:53,600 --> 00:38:56,799
Speaker 2: other person's shoes, how might they see this situation from

662
00:38:56,840 --> 00:38:57,879
Speaker 2: their viewpoint? Right?

663
00:38:57,920 --> 00:38:59,960
Speaker 1: So, so those are some of the questions.

664
00:39:00,040 --> 00:39:01,879
Speaker 2: Ask yourself, and then questions you can ask the other

665
00:39:01,920 --> 00:39:04,799
Speaker 2: person include, I want to ask you I don't miss

666
00:39:04,840 --> 00:39:07,080
Speaker 2: anything here? Can you describe the key concerns you have

667
00:39:07,120 --> 00:39:09,839
Speaker 2: in the situation? Like, let me understand your concerns? Right?

668
00:39:10,520 --> 00:39:13,360
Speaker 2: The next one is what outcomes of goals do you

669
00:39:13,360 --> 00:39:16,560
Speaker 2: hope to achieve in this situation, like let's let's help

670
00:39:16,560 --> 00:39:18,759
Speaker 2: me get on the same gage. And then two more,

671
00:39:18,840 --> 00:39:21,399
Speaker 2: The next one is and what ways do you think

672
00:39:21,440 --> 00:39:26,200
Speaker 2: we can better understand each other's viewpoints? And last, but

673
00:39:26,239 --> 00:39:28,360
Speaker 2: not least, this is probably one of my favorites, what

674
00:39:28,440 --> 00:39:31,880
Speaker 2: did you mean by x y Z, what did you

675
00:39:31,920 --> 00:39:32,480
Speaker 2: mean by that?

676
00:39:33,360 --> 00:39:33,959
Speaker 1: Tell me more?

677
00:39:35,160 --> 00:39:40,920
Speaker 3: And I think so, I'm gonna be honest what I know,

678
00:39:41,200 --> 00:39:44,680
Speaker 3: like the first few questions a lot of people are

679
00:39:44,680 --> 00:39:48,360
Speaker 3: going to struggle with and so, lady, as you're working

680
00:39:48,600 --> 00:39:55,600
Speaker 3: on developing your language, I would start with that first question,

681
00:39:56,320 --> 00:39:58,520
Speaker 3: or I mean the last question. I would have the

682
00:39:58,600 --> 00:40:02,480
Speaker 3: last question first. M hm, what did you mean and

683
00:40:03,560 --> 00:40:09,520
Speaker 3: use the word curious. Yeah, people respond differently to the

684
00:40:09,560 --> 00:40:14,520
Speaker 3: word curious, So I'm curious about what you meant by that.

685
00:40:15,680 --> 00:40:20,959
Speaker 3: And paying attention to your tone, right, because as we're

686
00:40:20,960 --> 00:40:29,200
Speaker 3: seeking clarity our tone, how someone may perceive our tone

687
00:40:29,480 --> 00:40:35,279
Speaker 3: can have an impact on how they end up reacting

688
00:40:35,440 --> 00:40:36,719
Speaker 3: or responding to us.

689
00:40:38,120 --> 00:40:40,440
Speaker 2: Don that is so spalling. I think that happens like

690
00:40:40,719 --> 00:40:43,520
Speaker 2: ninety nine percent of the time. Yeah, you know, I

691
00:40:43,560 --> 00:40:46,120
Speaker 2: remember I was. I had an appointment the other day

692
00:40:46,640 --> 00:40:48,840
Speaker 2: and this guy let me just kind of give you

693
00:40:48,840 --> 00:40:51,520
Speaker 2: the story about I'm thinking about energy here, and he

694
00:40:51,520 --> 00:40:53,080
Speaker 2: he had said to the lady, like, I have a

695
00:40:53,120 --> 00:40:55,640
Speaker 2: surgery on Monday. I really need to get in for disappointment,

696
00:40:55,880 --> 00:40:57,680
Speaker 2: And she's like, sir, we're closed. I don't I can't

697
00:40:57,680 --> 00:40:59,600
Speaker 2: take anyone else. Like she was like really, she was

698
00:40:59,719 --> 00:41:02,520
Speaker 2: seen like she was a bit stressed, and so he

699
00:41:02,640 --> 00:41:04,640
Speaker 2: was like, well, this this person just left, Can I

700
00:41:04,680 --> 00:41:06,400
Speaker 2: come in and get the appointment? And she was just

701
00:41:06,400 --> 00:41:08,799
Speaker 2: like coming yelling at him in the office, And so

702
00:41:08,880 --> 00:41:10,319
Speaker 2: I was the person to go in next, and so

703
00:41:10,400 --> 00:41:11,960
Speaker 2: he left the office and I went in the same

704
00:41:12,000 --> 00:41:14,600
Speaker 2: woman he interacted with. I just kind of said, you know, hey,

705
00:41:14,600 --> 00:41:16,560
Speaker 2: how's your day going? And she's like, oh, it's so busy.

706
00:41:17,040 --> 00:41:19,800
Speaker 2: So because I was asking her questions and just approaching

707
00:41:19,840 --> 00:41:21,640
Speaker 2: her in a different way, she gave me a to

708
00:41:21,920 --> 00:41:23,440
Speaker 2: She was so sweet and kind to me, and I

709
00:41:23,480 --> 00:41:26,440
Speaker 2: was like, oh, that's interesting, just how the way you

710
00:41:26,480 --> 00:41:29,000
Speaker 2: speak to someone, the energy that you're offering people will

711
00:41:29,040 --> 00:41:32,080
Speaker 2: usually match that most estimes, right y. And so I

712
00:41:32,080 --> 00:41:34,400
Speaker 2: think that when it comes to comms with in particular,

713
00:41:35,520 --> 00:41:38,360
Speaker 2: like you said, the tone right, get all your smart

714
00:41:38,400 --> 00:41:40,480
Speaker 2: shit out the way before, because at the end of

715
00:41:40,520 --> 00:41:42,360
Speaker 2: the day, you have to think about what is the outcome,

716
00:41:42,400 --> 00:41:44,840
Speaker 2: what is the goal? And I think the goal is

717
00:41:44,880 --> 00:41:47,439
Speaker 2: often for you to come to an agreement of some sort.

718
00:41:48,040 --> 00:41:50,279
Speaker 2: Usually we want to nurture the relationship. If it's like

719
00:41:50,280 --> 00:41:52,319
Speaker 2: a close person, we want to nurse the relationship. After

720
00:41:52,719 --> 00:41:55,680
Speaker 2: and so what can we do to ensure that we

721
00:41:55,880 --> 00:41:59,040
Speaker 2: can ideally present a potential win win situation but also

722
00:41:59,120 --> 00:42:01,279
Speaker 2: nurture the relationship. And a lot of times all that

723
00:42:01,320 --> 00:42:04,680
Speaker 2: attitude gotta go that ain't so it ain't gonna work.

724
00:42:04,800 --> 00:42:06,480
Speaker 2: So one of the things I wanted to share were

725
00:42:06,480 --> 00:42:09,600
Speaker 2: a couple reminders before you use this method, So we'll

726
00:42:09,600 --> 00:42:12,439
Speaker 2: cover that after since I forgot to share before, So

727
00:42:12,480 --> 00:42:14,680
Speaker 2: that'll kind of put a nice little bow on all

728
00:42:14,760 --> 00:42:17,560
Speaker 2: these these tips here. So I guess we can move

729
00:42:17,600 --> 00:42:21,920
Speaker 2: on to number five, which is express your feelings and

730
00:42:22,000 --> 00:42:26,520
Speaker 2: a call to action if possible. This is the part

731
00:42:26,600 --> 00:42:29,920
Speaker 2: expressing the feelings. This can be tricky, so let's get

732
00:42:29,960 --> 00:42:32,120
Speaker 2: into it. Let's get into it. So when you think

733
00:42:32,120 --> 00:42:36,719
Speaker 2: about this step right, this promotes sincere and considerate expression

734
00:42:36,760 --> 00:42:40,680
Speaker 2: of thoughts and emotions right, offering a pathway towards a resolution,

735
00:42:41,440 --> 00:42:45,200
Speaker 2: and it's particularly effective and responding to recent events. In contrast,

736
00:42:45,280 --> 00:42:47,880
Speaker 2: the example below, I'm going to share an example demonstrates

737
00:42:47,920 --> 00:42:49,920
Speaker 2: the scenario where I am taking the initiative and in

738
00:42:49,920 --> 00:42:53,360
Speaker 2: a conversation. So in this guidebook, I have one scenario

739
00:42:53,360 --> 00:42:56,000
Speaker 2: where I'm taking the initiative and proactively having a conversation,

740
00:42:56,560 --> 00:42:59,440
Speaker 2: and the other is arising from a recurring pattern that

741
00:42:59,760 --> 00:43:02,080
Speaker 2: I'm having with someone that's not conducive to my needs. Right,

742
00:43:02,120 --> 00:43:05,160
Speaker 2: So there are different approaches for different situations. And so

743
00:43:05,239 --> 00:43:07,800
Speaker 2: I think the most important thing to remember is to

744
00:43:07,840 --> 00:43:11,920
Speaker 2: share your feelings using eye statements. That it's like one

745
00:43:11,920 --> 00:43:13,960
Speaker 2: of the biggest lessons we learned in my master and

746
00:43:14,040 --> 00:43:15,080
Speaker 2: my master's program.

747
00:43:15,880 --> 00:43:16,719
Speaker 3: You you you you you.

748
00:43:16,920 --> 00:43:18,600
Speaker 1: That is not going to get anyone.

749
00:43:19,600 --> 00:43:22,520
Speaker 3: Not never, It will not okay because right away you

750
00:43:22,600 --> 00:43:25,200
Speaker 3: just get we get defensive our egos like bitch, what

751
00:43:25,360 --> 00:43:28,080
Speaker 3: which is right? Like? What me?

752
00:43:28,239 --> 00:43:29,920
Speaker 1: What? What she thought?

753
00:43:30,320 --> 00:43:30,759
Speaker 4: You thought?

754
00:43:30,880 --> 00:43:30,960
Speaker 5: Like?

755
00:43:32,600 --> 00:43:35,480
Speaker 2: We gotta use eye statements, okay, we gotta use ie statements,

756
00:43:35,480 --> 00:43:41,080
Speaker 2: So things like I feel frustrated when I'm concerned about right.

757
00:43:41,560 --> 00:43:43,600
Speaker 2: And if you can provide a call to action as

758
00:43:43,640 --> 00:43:46,240
Speaker 2: well to guide the next steps, I think that's always

759
00:43:46,280 --> 00:43:49,320
Speaker 2: helpful as well. So suggesting a solution, for example, you

760
00:43:49,320 --> 00:43:51,880
Speaker 2: could say something like I feel we should discuss this further.

761
00:43:52,239 --> 00:43:53,839
Speaker 2: Can we set up a meeting to address it?

762
00:43:53,960 --> 00:43:54,160
Speaker 5: Right?

763
00:43:54,600 --> 00:43:58,279
Speaker 2: And so I know this probably all seems this is

764
00:43:58,280 --> 00:44:02,399
Speaker 2: your first time hearing these types of tips. This may

765
00:44:02,400 --> 00:44:06,239
Speaker 2: not seem realistic, right because in the in the midst

766
00:44:06,320 --> 00:44:08,239
Speaker 2: of a disagreement. It's like, who's going to pull out

767
00:44:08,239 --> 00:44:10,000
Speaker 2: the base framework and be like, Okay, this is what

768
00:44:10,080 --> 00:44:12,360
Speaker 2: I'm going to do. But honestly, I really think that

769
00:44:12,480 --> 00:44:16,279
Speaker 2: practice enables us to take some of these tools and

770
00:44:16,360 --> 00:44:19,040
Speaker 2: implement them, maybe one by one, and then you can

771
00:44:19,040 --> 00:44:21,920
Speaker 2: continue to improve your practice. I will say, lady, I'm

772
00:44:21,920 --> 00:44:24,640
Speaker 2: a living witness. My communication style used to be shitty. Okay,

773
00:44:24,640 --> 00:44:28,040
Speaker 2: I was not a very good communicator, particularly in intimate relationships.

774
00:44:28,280 --> 00:44:30,480
Speaker 2: But over time I've had a lot of practice, and

775
00:44:30,480 --> 00:44:32,400
Speaker 2: I use this stuff in journal about it, so it

776
00:44:32,400 --> 00:44:35,200
Speaker 2: makes it a lot better. And so, Dom, did you

777
00:44:35,200 --> 00:44:37,239
Speaker 2: want to share anything before I dive into some of

778
00:44:37,280 --> 00:44:39,800
Speaker 2: these some of these statements here.

779
00:44:41,600 --> 00:44:46,080
Speaker 3: So I want to emphasize with the like this last

780
00:44:46,160 --> 00:44:49,200
Speaker 3: tip of like the e of like expressing your feelings.

781
00:44:50,160 --> 00:44:55,520
Speaker 3: Your feelings are important and so are the other persons.

782
00:44:56,200 --> 00:44:58,279
Speaker 1: M m oh, say that again for the people in

783
00:44:58,280 --> 00:44:58,560
Speaker 1: the back.

784
00:44:59,440 --> 00:45:06,360
Speaker 3: Oh, your feelings are important and so are the other persons.

785
00:45:06,960 --> 00:45:13,520
Speaker 3: And so as you are expressing your feelings, don't forget

786
00:45:14,080 --> 00:45:18,319
Speaker 3: to invite the other person to share their feelings too.

787
00:45:19,640 --> 00:45:22,520
Speaker 3: You don't have to like it, you don't have to

788
00:45:22,600 --> 00:45:28,719
Speaker 3: agree with it. It's an invitation for each party to

789
00:45:28,880 --> 00:45:35,879
Speaker 3: be heard and understood, mainly to be heard.

790
00:45:38,640 --> 00:45:39,200
Speaker 1: That part.

791
00:45:39,760 --> 00:45:42,120
Speaker 2: Okay, So as you just said that, I already I

792
00:45:42,160 --> 00:45:45,800
Speaker 2: can already sense the rolling of the eyes happening because

793
00:45:46,120 --> 00:45:48,440
Speaker 2: fuck their feelings, right, But that's a good point on

794
00:45:48,560 --> 00:45:51,040
Speaker 2: because everyone has their own perspective, and I'm thinking about

795
00:45:51,080 --> 00:45:53,840
Speaker 2: intimate relationships right now, and I know that something that

796
00:45:53,920 --> 00:45:57,160
Speaker 2: is worth for me in the past because okay, something

797
00:45:57,200 --> 00:45:58,440
Speaker 2: that's worked for me in the past is having a

798
00:45:58,440 --> 00:46:02,279
Speaker 2: notebook if I'm you know, talking to my partner and

799
00:46:02,480 --> 00:46:04,719
Speaker 2: writing things down as we're conversing. So it's like we're

800
00:46:04,719 --> 00:46:06,560
Speaker 2: sitting across from each other on the couch and we're

801
00:46:06,560 --> 00:46:10,040
Speaker 2: writing stuff down because as they are sharing their feelings,

802
00:46:10,520 --> 00:46:13,040
Speaker 2: I'm trying my best not to have facial expressions, not

803
00:46:13,160 --> 00:46:16,120
Speaker 2: to roll my motherfucking eyes, and just try to keep

804
00:46:16,160 --> 00:46:18,560
Speaker 2: in mind what they're saying, because sometimes we don't want

805
00:46:18,560 --> 00:46:20,239
Speaker 2: to hear sometimes, let's be real, we don't want to

806
00:46:20,280 --> 00:46:21,400
Speaker 2: hear what they have to say. We don't want to

807
00:46:21,400 --> 00:46:23,719
Speaker 2: hear their feelings. We don't agree with that, and so

808
00:46:23,840 --> 00:46:26,959
Speaker 2: writing it down because you want to be cordial, because again,

809
00:46:27,000 --> 00:46:28,480
Speaker 2: what is the ultimate goal here? And if we're going

810
00:46:28,520 --> 00:46:30,719
Speaker 2: to be an asshole, it's not gonna it's not gonna

811
00:46:30,719 --> 00:46:31,879
Speaker 2: be a win, it's not gonna be.

812
00:46:32,360 --> 00:46:34,399
Speaker 3: Right, it's not going to lead to and it's not

813
00:46:34,560 --> 00:46:37,319
Speaker 3: going to lead to the conflict being resolved.

814
00:46:37,520 --> 00:46:37,719
Speaker 1: Right.

815
00:46:38,640 --> 00:46:43,400
Speaker 3: And I'll be honest, I I know that I'm over

816
00:46:43,440 --> 00:46:50,120
Speaker 3: the years, particularly in professional settings, my face has become

817
00:46:50,200 --> 00:46:56,239
Speaker 3: more like I don'll hold back, right, And so I

818
00:46:56,280 --> 00:47:00,160
Speaker 3: have less of a poker face right now. Granted, there

819
00:47:00,200 --> 00:47:06,000
Speaker 3: are situations where yeah, you will not know, like poker

820
00:47:06,040 --> 00:47:09,080
Speaker 3: face is on lock, Like you just won't know what

821
00:47:09,120 --> 00:47:14,480
Speaker 3: I'm thinking or feeling. But I also recognize that in

822
00:47:14,520 --> 00:47:23,399
Speaker 3: these moments of conflict sometimes that I roll, even though

823
00:47:23,480 --> 00:47:26,840
Speaker 3: like you feel that I roll deep in your spirit,

824
00:47:28,000 --> 00:47:32,840
Speaker 3: it is only going to escalate the situation. And so

825
00:47:34,160 --> 00:47:38,000
Speaker 3: part of before you even get to this fourth step

826
00:47:38,560 --> 00:47:44,760
Speaker 3: of expressing your feelings, when you're doing step one of breathing,

827
00:47:45,960 --> 00:47:50,920
Speaker 3: you are taking your feelings from the experiencing it in

828
00:47:51,000 --> 00:47:59,000
Speaker 3: your body to acknowledging them on a thought level, so

829
00:47:59,040 --> 00:48:01,839
Speaker 3: that when we get to this final step of like

830
00:48:01,960 --> 00:48:09,040
Speaker 3: expressing your feelings, you're able to be connected to them

831
00:48:09,080 --> 00:48:14,080
Speaker 3: but still but in a way be detached. They don't

832
00:48:14,160 --> 00:48:16,520
Speaker 3: own the feeling. Your feelings don't own you.

833
00:48:17,680 --> 00:48:19,200
Speaker 2: I love that dom because I think a lot of

834
00:48:19,200 --> 00:48:21,880
Speaker 2: times if we don't do any pre work before we

835
00:48:21,920 --> 00:48:23,959
Speaker 2: have the conversation and we just kind of verbally vomit,

836
00:48:24,040 --> 00:48:26,120
Speaker 2: we let it all out in the conversation, it's not

837
00:48:26,200 --> 00:48:30,840
Speaker 2: the best representation of ourselves right or presentation of the feelings.

838
00:48:30,840 --> 00:48:33,120
Speaker 2: And so I think that's spot on. And Lady, this

839
00:48:33,160 --> 00:48:36,359
Speaker 2: conversation has gone by pretty fast. So I was making

840
00:48:36,360 --> 00:48:38,160
Speaker 2: a note as you were talking down for us to

841
00:48:38,200 --> 00:48:41,480
Speaker 2: add the base framework, this whole template.

842
00:48:41,520 --> 00:48:41,800
Speaker 1: Lady.

843
00:48:41,800 --> 00:48:45,520
Speaker 2: We can add this in Patreon for our patrons, So

844
00:48:45,600 --> 00:48:48,480
Speaker 2: if you head on over to Herspace podcast dot com

845
00:48:48,520 --> 00:48:51,240
Speaker 2: click on Patreon. We'll make sure to add this into

846
00:48:51,280 --> 00:48:54,720
Speaker 2: this week's episode this release so that you can access

847
00:48:54,760 --> 00:48:56,799
Speaker 2: this and print it out. You can write it out

848
00:48:56,880 --> 00:48:59,120
Speaker 2: for the various conflicts that you might have. It goes

849
00:48:59,200 --> 00:49:02,279
Speaker 2: into more details, and then what we'll do is we

850
00:49:02,320 --> 00:49:06,000
Speaker 2: will talk about the reminders that are really important for

851
00:49:06,080 --> 00:49:08,400
Speaker 2: you to keep in mind when you're using this framework

852
00:49:08,880 --> 00:49:10,879
Speaker 2: in the after show. So we'll dive into those five

853
00:49:10,920 --> 00:49:14,160
Speaker 2: reminders in the after show and the after show and

854
00:49:14,400 --> 00:49:17,319
Speaker 2: the template will be added to our Patreon and Lady,

855
00:49:17,360 --> 00:49:20,800
Speaker 2: In case you did not know, we are a black founded,

856
00:49:20,960 --> 00:49:25,400
Speaker 2: black owned, and black funded business and podcasts right. Domini

857
00:49:26,040 --> 00:49:28,120
Speaker 2: are the founders here. So if we want to support

858
00:49:28,560 --> 00:49:31,600
Speaker 2: our black business is out here doing the go work,

859
00:49:31,920 --> 00:49:34,160
Speaker 2: head on over to Herspace podcast dot com, click on

860
00:49:34,200 --> 00:49:37,240
Speaker 2: Patreon and you can become a sister friend to support

861
00:49:37,280 --> 00:49:39,200
Speaker 2: the work that we're doing and also could access to

862
00:49:39,320 --> 00:49:43,640
Speaker 2: exclusive content. So, dom shall we jump into the after show?

863
00:49:43,680 --> 00:49:44,880
Speaker 2: Is there anything else we should cover?

864
00:49:46,800 --> 00:49:48,960
Speaker 3: I say, let's cover what we have left in the

865
00:49:49,000 --> 00:49:49,560
Speaker 3: after show?

866
00:49:50,080 --> 00:49:50,960
Speaker 1: Oh amor let's do it.

867
00:49:51,040 --> 00:49:51,239
Speaker 4: Lady.

868
00:49:51,239 --> 00:49:52,960
Speaker 1: We'll see you on the after show. Thank you for

869
00:49:53,000 --> 00:49:53,440
Speaker 1: tuning in.

870
00:49:54,920 --> 00:49:57,600
Speaker 5: Hey lady, it is doctor dom here from the Cultivating

871
00:49:57,640 --> 00:50:01,440
Speaker 5: her Space Podcast. Are you you currently a resident of

872
00:50:01,480 --> 00:50:06,759
Speaker 5: the state of California and contemplating starting your therapy journey? Well,

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Speaker 5: if so, please reach out to me at doctor Dominique

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Speaker 5: Brusard dot com. That's d R D O M I

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Speaker 5: N I q U E B R O U S

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Speaker 5: s ar D dot com to schedule a free fifteen

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Speaker 5: minute consultation. I look forward to hearing from you. Thanks

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Speaker 5: for joining us today. Please note that our show may

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Speaker 5: contain conversations about self help, advice, self empowerment and mental health,

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00:50:42,800 --> 00:50:45,680
Speaker 5: but is by no means meant to be a substitute

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Speaker 5: for an ongoing formal relationship with a trained mental health provider.

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00:50:51,000 --> 00:50:53,719
Speaker 5: If you are someone you know is in need of

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Speaker 5: mental health care, please visit a Therapy for Black Girls

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Speaker 5: directory Psychology today or contact your insurance provider.

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Speaker 2: If you liked what you heard and want to keep

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Speaker 2: the conversation going, visit our website at Herspace podcast dot

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Speaker 2: com and be sure to click the Patreon link to

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Speaker 2: get access to video content, bonuses, and our weekly after

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00:51:14,640 --> 00:51:18,680
Speaker 2: show and before we meet again, repeat after me. My

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Speaker 2: energy is a gift. I choose to share wisely and

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Speaker 2: leave a positive imprint on the world.