WEBVTT - Two Things Can Be True, Stepping Into Love, & Dealing With Bullies 0:00:14.040 --> 0:00:17.520 Personals with Morgan Juelsman. 0:00:18.920 --> 0:00:22.119 It's the second episode of Take This Personally. I'm Morgan. 0:00:22.239 --> 0:00:24.040 You may know me from the Bobby Bone Show. I've 0:00:24.040 --> 0:00:26.560 always found that it's easier to get through some of 0:00:26.640 --> 0:00:29.960 life's challenges when we feel less alone, which is really 0:00:30.000 --> 0:00:32.720 why I started this podcast. I'm hoping you can connect 0:00:32.800 --> 0:00:35.839 to one of my guest stories or their pieces of advice. 0:00:36.040 --> 0:00:39.400 This week, I have on doctor Solomon first, who is 0:00:39.479 --> 0:00:42.760 beyond an expert with over a twenty years of experience. 0:00:42.880 --> 0:00:46.279 She studied psychology and women's studies at the University of 0:00:46.360 --> 0:00:50.760 Michigan and she also received her PhD in counseling psychology. 0:00:50.880 --> 0:00:53.760 Than I have on country artist Kylie Morgan, who is 0:00:53.920 --> 0:00:56.520 a friend and came on to share some of the 0:00:56.560 --> 0:00:59.560 most vulnerable moments in her life that led her to 0:00:59.680 --> 0:01:10.080 wear her career is now. I'm so excited to talk 0:01:10.080 --> 0:01:12.880 to doctor Solomon right now. Thank you for joining me, 0:01:13.080 --> 0:01:15.920 and I want to get your expertise on several topics, 0:01:15.920 --> 0:01:18.480 but we're gonna dive right into the deep in to start, 0:01:18.520 --> 0:01:21.399 I want to talk about trauma and growth. Do you 0:01:21.560 --> 0:01:26.960 feel like people have to go through almost traumatic things 0:01:27.000 --> 0:01:29.479 to feel that growth or do you think they can 0:01:29.520 --> 0:01:33.920 still feel that growth without having gone through something terribly bad. 0:01:35.120 --> 0:01:38.120 I love the idea of gentle awakenings right of just 0:01:38.240 --> 0:01:40.760 sort of, you know, as I remember years and years 0:01:40.800 --> 0:01:43.560 ago Oprah Winfrey talked about, you know, sometimes when we 0:01:43.600 --> 0:01:45.840 get the first brick upside our head, you know, the 0:01:45.880 --> 0:01:49.160 first little inkling that we are creating a pattern for ourselves, 0:01:49.160 --> 0:01:51.480 it's painful. If we don't pay attention to the brick 0:01:51.560 --> 0:01:53.840 up side the head, then we will get the entire 0:01:53.920 --> 0:01:56.800 brick wall crashing down upon us. And I think some 0:01:56.880 --> 0:01:58.760 of us, yeah, some of us can get a little 0:01:58.760 --> 0:02:01.520 bit more like, no, no, well I got this. I'm good. 0:02:01.680 --> 0:02:03.760 I don't need help. For some of us, the you know, 0:02:03.880 --> 0:02:06.080 the sort of wake up call has to be louder, 0:02:06.160 --> 0:02:08.640 but it doesn't have to be that way. As you're saying, Morgan, 0:02:08.680 --> 0:02:11.359 that there's you know, I think we can resource ourselves 0:02:11.480 --> 0:02:13.239 at any point in time. It's you know, one of 0:02:13.280 --> 0:02:16.040 the things I do is I teach an undergraduate class 0:02:16.040 --> 0:02:18.960 at Northwestern University called marriage one oh one. Well, those 0:02:18.960 --> 0:02:21.119 students aren't going to get married for you know, any 0:02:21.240 --> 0:02:24.400 number of years, but there's lots that they can learn 0:02:24.520 --> 0:02:27.600 about understanding who they are and what they want and 0:02:27.680 --> 0:02:30.919 need in their intimate relationships. So I like, I'm here 0:02:30.960 --> 0:02:33.440 for therapy early and often I'm here for you know, 0:02:33.680 --> 0:02:36.480 gentle lessons. But I hear you. So did you have 0:02:36.520 --> 0:02:38.919 to learn some things in your life the hard way? Oh? 0:02:39.000 --> 0:02:41.760 Yes, I mean I from boweying in high school to 0:02:42.120 --> 0:02:45.800 some abusive relationships. I've been through the trenches, and I 0:02:45.880 --> 0:02:48.760 don't wish that upon anyone, but I also look back 0:02:48.800 --> 0:02:51.079 and it helped me to become who I am today 0:02:51.120 --> 0:02:54.880 in almost an unfortunate series of events. But now and 0:02:54.919 --> 0:02:57.400 today I look at that, and when people ask how 0:02:57.480 --> 0:02:59.880 and why, I'm like, well, this is where I came from, 0:03:00.160 --> 0:03:02.720 and so of course I would hope I'm better from that, 0:03:03.120 --> 0:03:05.560 But you don't hope anybody ever goes through that so. 0:03:05.720 --> 0:03:07.480 Well, and you didn't have to become better for it. 0:03:07.560 --> 0:03:09.880 You could have taken all those painful experiences and you 0:03:09.919 --> 0:03:12.720 could have said, see, that just proves that life is 0:03:12.840 --> 0:03:15.440 unfair and I'm a constant victim and nothing good is 0:03:15.480 --> 0:03:17.400 going to happen to me. Right, that you could have 0:03:17.440 --> 0:03:21.000 taken those experiences and allowed them to make you hardened 0:03:21.160 --> 0:03:23.919 and bitter, and you know, you could have experienced like 0:03:23.960 --> 0:03:26.320 a loss of vitality, and you could have just kind 0:03:26.320 --> 0:03:28.720 of stayed stuck there. And I hear that you have 0:03:28.800 --> 0:03:31.120 done what you needed to do in order to use 0:03:31.160 --> 0:03:35.360 those experiences to fuel you into purpose and passion and 0:03:35.600 --> 0:03:36.640 capacity for joy. 0:03:36.760 --> 0:03:40.080 So that's yeah, absolutely, I've loved that for me, but 0:03:40.120 --> 0:03:42.480 I would love that for other people too. So, you know, 0:03:42.560 --> 0:03:45.400 do you have any good ideas for people who maybe 0:03:45.520 --> 0:03:47.560 have gone through that and they may find themselves in 0:03:47.600 --> 0:03:48.800 a very negative space. 0:03:48.960 --> 0:03:51.400 I mean, I do think part of it is teasing 0:03:51.440 --> 0:03:56.680 apart that thing happened to me versus that thing defines me. 0:03:56.960 --> 0:03:58.880 I think part of what creates the conditions for people 0:03:58.920 --> 0:04:01.360 to get stuck is they can fuse the things that 0:04:01.440 --> 0:04:05.520 happened to them with their identity. And all of us 0:04:05.600 --> 0:04:09.760 are more than any given painful experience. I believe each 0:04:09.800 --> 0:04:14.000 of us is an expression of divine consciousness. Whatever you know, 0:04:14.040 --> 0:04:18.960 each of us belongs to this huge collective of humanity 0:04:19.120 --> 0:04:21.800 and as part of something like far, far, far bigger 0:04:21.839 --> 0:04:24.200 than any one of us. And so to me, whatever 0:04:24.320 --> 0:04:27.640 pathways people use to kind of remember that, whether it's 0:04:27.880 --> 0:04:33.040 movement or music or dance or conversation or prayer or 0:04:33.440 --> 0:04:37.359 volunteer work, like whatever. Those gateways are that help people 0:04:37.440 --> 0:04:41.160 remember like, oh I belong, I belong and I'm part 0:04:41.200 --> 0:04:43.320 of something bigger than me. That I think is what 0:04:43.520 --> 0:04:47.880 helps us get clear that the bad experiences we live 0:04:47.960 --> 0:04:49.760 through do not define us. 0:04:50.040 --> 0:04:52.600 The older I get, I've been in some relationships at 0:04:52.600 --> 0:04:54.520 this point, and just the older I get, the more 0:04:54.560 --> 0:04:57.280 I realize everybody comes with things. You're just going to 0:04:57.360 --> 0:05:00.880 have to accept certain things that you want. Nobody's going 0:05:00.960 --> 0:05:03.200 to come perfect. There's going to be baggage along the way, 0:05:03.240 --> 0:05:03.800 no matter what. 0:05:04.000 --> 0:05:04.760 How that looks is. 0:05:04.800 --> 0:05:05.360 Up to you. 0:05:05.760 --> 0:05:10.080 And I just want your kind of advice on for 0:05:10.240 --> 0:05:14.560 so many people because relationships, regardless if they were even good, 0:05:14.640 --> 0:05:17.040 maybe they weren't as bad as mine in the dramatic 0:05:17.080 --> 0:05:19.760 sense that they were. They're just hard and they can 0:05:19.800 --> 0:05:22.600 be traumatic and very hard to move on from. So 0:05:22.920 --> 0:05:25.680 how do we jump into another relationship after, say, our 0:05:25.680 --> 0:05:28.680 heart gets broken and things are hard. How do we 0:05:28.760 --> 0:05:32.600 go into a new relationship and find that level of 0:05:32.680 --> 0:05:33.760 vulnerability again? 0:05:34.080 --> 0:05:37.599 I think we don't spend nearly enough time talking to 0:05:37.640 --> 0:05:42.000 people about healthy relationships and healthy sexuality and all of 0:05:42.040 --> 0:05:44.560 that good stuff. But we also don't spend enough time 0:05:44.600 --> 0:05:46.960 talking with people about how to break up well, how 0:05:46.960 --> 0:05:50.240 to integrate after laws, how to start over again. I'm 0:05:50.240 --> 0:05:52.760 finding myself doing more and more of that work, even 0:05:52.800 --> 0:05:55.880 with therapists when I'm presenting at therapist conferences, and very 0:05:55.920 --> 0:05:58.960 often I'm talking with therapists about how to help clients 0:05:59.080 --> 0:06:02.320 break up well, heal heartbreak start again, because I think 0:06:02.320 --> 0:06:04.880 that there is not something that therapists necessarily have been 0:06:04.960 --> 0:06:07.440 trained in doing, and it's what you are talking about. 0:06:07.440 --> 0:06:11.160 I think heartbreak and relationship endings hurt for all kinds 0:06:11.200 --> 0:06:16.360 of reasons, including literal brain science. Our brains code emotional 0:06:16.400 --> 0:06:19.760 pain in the same way that our brains code physical pain. 0:06:19.920 --> 0:06:23.640 So heartbreak hurts because it hurts. It is painful, And 0:06:23.680 --> 0:06:28.640 I think we sometimes have these like misguided coping mechanisms 0:06:28.720 --> 0:06:30.919 where will say to ourselves, it shouldn't hurt like this 0:06:31.000 --> 0:06:33.239 because they were no good for me anyways. It shouldn't 0:06:33.320 --> 0:06:34.920 hurt like this because it was only a three month 0:06:34.960 --> 0:06:38.400 long relationship. It shouldn't hurt like this because whatever my 0:06:38.440 --> 0:06:41.440 friends didn't like them anyways. Well, all that will do 0:06:41.600 --> 0:06:44.680 when we invalidate ourselves, all that's going to do is 0:06:45.120 --> 0:06:48.000 make our healing journey take that much longer because we 0:06:48.040 --> 0:06:52.200 aren't even letting ourselves start the journey. We're invalidating ourselves 0:06:52.240 --> 0:06:56.640 out of the journey versus letting ourselves grieve the loss 0:06:56.640 --> 0:06:59.000 of that relationship. Even if we're the one who ended it. 0:06:59.279 --> 0:07:01.120 You can be the one who ended a relationship and 0:07:01.200 --> 0:07:04.600 still grieve the loss of that relationship. You're losing the 0:07:04.640 --> 0:07:08.000 future you imagined with that person, and you are having 0:07:08.040 --> 0:07:10.920 to let go of what that relationship meant and the 0:07:10.920 --> 0:07:16.200 experiences you had and every grief. You know, grief is synergistic, 0:07:16.440 --> 0:07:19.920 meaning that the grief in the loss of this relationship 0:07:20.080 --> 0:07:23.560 is going to awaken the grief of the loss of 0:07:23.640 --> 0:07:27.600 my father or my grandmother, or that move that we 0:07:27.680 --> 0:07:30.800 had to make, or that tragedy that happened in my community. 0:07:30.880 --> 0:07:34.560 Like griefs chain together. For as hard as it is, 0:07:34.600 --> 0:07:38.200 there's also that opportunity in a breakup to just have 0:07:38.280 --> 0:07:41.720 that season or that chapter of loss and letting ourselves 0:07:41.800 --> 0:07:45.440 just be very much present to that without shrinking it, 0:07:45.640 --> 0:07:50.160 minimizing it, rationalizing it, moving through it, getting the lessons 0:07:50.520 --> 0:07:53.000 and then starting to kind of come up out of it. 0:07:53.160 --> 0:07:56.800 That's a process that if we don't constrict it, it 0:07:56.840 --> 0:08:00.160 will just happen. We will come through it, and the 0:08:00.200 --> 0:08:03.040 goal is to come through it open hearted, rather than 0:08:03.080 --> 0:08:06.400 to come through it kind of scabbed over and hardened 0:08:06.600 --> 0:08:08.520 and cynical. And I think the way that we do 0:08:08.560 --> 0:08:13.240 that is by just letting the loss be exactly the 0:08:13.320 --> 0:08:15.000 length and width and height that it is. 0:08:15.320 --> 0:08:17.440 I love that, and I think it's so true. There's 0:08:17.480 --> 0:08:19.280 so many people that I know a lot of my 0:08:19.360 --> 0:08:23.480 friends who I've seen them hurt from two month relationships 0:08:23.520 --> 0:08:26.960 compared to each sureer relationship sure, And I think there's 0:08:26.960 --> 0:08:29.960 something to be said that we bond with people so differently, 0:08:30.000 --> 0:08:32.520 and that there is no one size fits all for 0:08:32.640 --> 0:08:35.720 everything that's right. It's important to share and reiterate because 0:08:35.720 --> 0:08:37.400 I just don't think we hear that enough. 0:08:37.520 --> 0:08:39.600 One hundred percent. It was a podcast episode that I 0:08:39.600 --> 0:08:41.560 had done We're One of the points that I made 0:08:41.800 --> 0:08:44.280 is some of us who've had heartbreak, some of us 0:08:44.280 --> 0:08:47.040 who have survived trauma. One of the things that sometimes 0:08:47.040 --> 0:08:50.880 happens is that we no longer fall in love. We 0:08:51.000 --> 0:08:53.880 become the kind of people who step into love, and 0:08:53.920 --> 0:08:57.640 that can feel sad, like I miss the fact that 0:08:57.679 --> 0:09:01.000 you know, when I was younger, before I new hurt, 0:09:01.040 --> 0:09:03.760 like I know hurt. Before that I would fall head 0:09:03.760 --> 0:09:05.800 over heels and I don't do that anymore. Rather than 0:09:05.800 --> 0:09:08.320 seeing that as something that's wrong with us, just allowing 0:09:08.320 --> 0:09:10.080 that to be what it is and to know that 0:09:10.160 --> 0:09:12.640 there is not as you're saying, there is no right 0:09:12.679 --> 0:09:15.920 and wrong way to bond with somebody, and stepping into 0:09:16.000 --> 0:09:19.360 love is beautiful. There's a wisdom to that, there's a 0:09:19.480 --> 0:09:22.120 gentleness to that. There's a way that when we step 0:09:22.120 --> 0:09:25.600 into love, we aren't short circuiting our nervous systems, right, 0:09:25.679 --> 0:09:28.400 so it can be a kinder process that that's okay. 0:09:28.480 --> 0:09:30.120 I want people to know that that's okay. 0:09:30.559 --> 0:09:33.080 I mean I'm someone who's sitting here listening to this, 0:09:33.160 --> 0:09:37.240 and I'm like preach yes, because I have done both. 0:09:37.320 --> 0:09:42.000 I have been the woman in the enticing, intoxicating relationship 0:09:42.000 --> 0:09:45.560 and I've also now been in this incredibly healthy relationship. 0:09:45.559 --> 0:09:47.880 And i can tell you on this side of things, 0:09:47.880 --> 0:09:50.760 on the healthier side, it is so much more rewarding 0:09:50.920 --> 0:09:55.360 and enjoyable than the intoxicating situations that we see in 0:09:55.400 --> 0:09:56.600 movies that we think we want. 0:09:56.760 --> 0:10:00.920 Yeah, you don't perhaps feel intoxicated, but what you do 0:10:01.040 --> 0:10:04.760 feel is I imagine safe and calm, and like your 0:10:04.760 --> 0:10:08.400 nervous system is like taking a big exhale, and that 0:10:08.520 --> 0:10:10.319 can feel really different. 0:10:12.640 --> 0:10:14.760 I want to talk to you too about the ways 0:10:14.800 --> 0:10:18.240 that we invalidate ourselves. I'm guilty of it. I know 0:10:18.280 --> 0:10:20.520 a lot of people are of saying others have it worse. 0:10:20.880 --> 0:10:24.720 How do we get away from doing that and feeling 0:10:24.880 --> 0:10:25.760 that way? 0:10:26.160 --> 0:10:28.640 Yeah, yeah, yeah, Well the only way that I know 0:10:28.760 --> 0:10:31.560 how to do it is with something in something that 0:10:31.600 --> 0:10:35.840 comes from psychology, which is called dialectics. So dialectics. You know, 0:10:36.080 --> 0:10:40.280 our research has shown that a lot of our emotional 0:10:40.520 --> 0:10:45.000 resilience and emotional well being rests upon our ability to 0:10:45.240 --> 0:10:49.120 hold a dialectic. And a dialectic is a space where 0:10:49.440 --> 0:10:53.880 competing truths, where two things are true at the same time, 0:10:54.080 --> 0:10:57.680 two things that seem opposite are actually both true. I 0:10:57.960 --> 0:11:01.840 had a terrible day and I am blessed. Those both 0:11:01.880 --> 0:11:05.280 are true. We can be blessed and suffering that both 0:11:05.320 --> 0:11:07.640 those things can be true. I don't have to prove 0:11:07.720 --> 0:11:10.600 that I have it worse than anybody else in order 0:11:10.679 --> 0:11:12.320 to be entitled to my suffering, and the way that 0:11:12.360 --> 0:11:15.680 I do that is by holding both my grief and 0:11:15.760 --> 0:11:19.680 my gratitude my courage and my fear, the fact that 0:11:19.720 --> 0:11:23.200 I'm whole as I am and I'm forever a work 0:11:23.240 --> 0:11:25.760 in progress. Like these things that just seem like they 0:11:25.960 --> 0:11:28.720 can't possibly both be true at the same time are 0:11:28.840 --> 0:11:32.079 a's part of the thing that makes being alive so complicated. 0:11:32.120 --> 0:11:33.520 So I think if I have one of those moments, 0:11:33.559 --> 0:11:35.840 I certainly have had those moments where I am just 0:11:36.160 --> 0:11:39.640 in the suck, I am just like suffering and struggling 0:11:39.679 --> 0:11:42.120 and wanting to host a big old pity party for myself, 0:11:42.440 --> 0:11:45.160 and then I'm just like, ah, I'm being ridiculous because 0:11:45.160 --> 0:11:48.280 there are people who have you know, quote unquote actual problems. 0:11:48.480 --> 0:11:52.760 Both those things are true. Yes, I am absolutely blessed 0:11:53.040 --> 0:11:56.160 and I am absolutely you know, burnt out or struggling. 0:11:56.280 --> 0:11:58.439 So that's where I try to go, because You're right, 0:11:58.640 --> 0:12:02.440 if I cannot validate my own suffering, you can bet 0:12:02.600 --> 0:12:03.959 that I'm not going to be able to validate the 0:12:04.000 --> 0:12:05.720 suffering of people around me. And then I'm not going 0:12:05.800 --> 0:12:07.440 to be very fun to be around because I'm going 0:12:07.480 --> 0:12:10.880 to be judgmental and dismissive, you know, and like roll 0:12:10.920 --> 0:12:12.720 my eyes at people. And that's not going to be 0:12:12.800 --> 0:12:15.200 a recipe for healthy relationships. 0:12:14.720 --> 0:12:16.640 And being self aware is kind of one of the 0:12:16.840 --> 0:12:20.559 big buzzwords right now in psychology and therapy. Visit living 0:12:20.640 --> 0:12:22.480 up to all the hypes? Should we be focusing so 0:12:22.640 --> 0:12:24.600 much on that? And what does that look like? If 0:12:24.600 --> 0:12:27.600 somebody hasn't ever heard the word self aware and they're like, 0:12:27.679 --> 0:12:28.559 what do I need to. 0:12:28.520 --> 0:12:29.000 Do with that? 0:12:29.800 --> 0:12:32.320 What would be the first steps you'd tell someone to 0:12:32.400 --> 0:12:35.679 get through this first phase to be on that journey. 0:12:35.800 --> 0:12:38.320 Self awareness is my that's my jam, That's how I 0:12:38.360 --> 0:12:41.600 spend really all day every day is supporting people in 0:12:41.640 --> 0:12:46.520 different ways to understand with curiosity and with compassion who 0:12:46.600 --> 0:12:49.000 they are and why they are the way that they are. 0:12:49.120 --> 0:12:51.160 And I think it's it is essential if what people 0:12:51.200 --> 0:12:55.079 want is high quality relationships, whether that's relationship with partner, 0:12:55.160 --> 0:12:58.240 relationship with their family members, relationship with their kids. We 0:12:58.480 --> 0:13:02.000 have to be willing to get curious about why we 0:13:02.160 --> 0:13:05.760 are reacting the way we are reacting in any given moment, 0:13:05.840 --> 0:13:07.240 Like that's just the work of it. So I think 0:13:07.280 --> 0:13:12.000 the first step is to just begin to notice how 0:13:12.040 --> 0:13:15.319 we're talking to ourselves, notice when we have rise and 0:13:15.360 --> 0:13:18.040 fall of different emotions during the day, Like just getting 0:13:18.080 --> 0:13:21.760 really curious and starting to view our thoughts and our 0:13:21.880 --> 0:13:26.000 feelings and our behaviors as data. It's just data that 0:13:26.040 --> 0:13:28.760 we then can sit with and wonder about. I think 0:13:28.800 --> 0:13:30.280 one of the things, you know, you started off by 0:13:30.320 --> 0:13:33.120 asking about, kind of what's changed in the last couple 0:13:33.120 --> 0:13:35.760 of decades the whole field of self help. As I 0:13:35.800 --> 0:13:38.160 was growing up in the eighties, my mom always had 0:13:38.160 --> 0:13:40.839 a stack of self help books next to her nightstand. 0:13:40.880 --> 0:13:44.160 So self help isn't new necessarily, but we're living in 0:13:44.160 --> 0:13:47.640 this really exciting time with social media of podcasts, where 0:13:47.640 --> 0:13:50.559 there's so many resources that somebody can bring in and 0:13:50.640 --> 0:13:54.000 I think just listening to different podcasts that are about 0:13:54.080 --> 0:13:57.920 relationships or about psychology, or reading, you know, following different 0:13:57.920 --> 0:14:02.720 Instagram accounts there like daily small doses of self awareness work. 0:14:02.760 --> 0:14:05.520 I think those are really gentle ways to start, especially 0:14:05.559 --> 0:14:07.960 if someone's not interested in committing to therapy or something 0:14:08.040 --> 0:14:09.640 like that. But there's little things we can do each 0:14:09.720 --> 0:14:11.960 day to just begin to check in with ourselves. 0:14:12.200 --> 0:14:16.199 How do you suggest I think it's hard for people 0:14:16.520 --> 0:14:21.520 to receive feedback. There's criticism and there's unkindness, but then 0:14:21.520 --> 0:14:26.120 there's feedback, and because of social media, there is also 0:14:26.160 --> 0:14:28.640 this other side that we've seen this very cruel side 0:14:28.640 --> 0:14:31.080 of the world, so it's really easy to loop in 0:14:31.400 --> 0:14:35.360 feedback with criticism and negativity. So how do we kind 0:14:35.360 --> 0:14:37.840 of look at something like, Okay, this is feedback to 0:14:38.040 --> 0:14:41.240 help me, versus this is criticism to hurt me. 0:14:41.520 --> 0:14:43.480 That's right. I think that's a very very good point, 0:14:43.520 --> 0:14:46.000 And it's all about the strength of the relationship. Yeah, 0:14:46.160 --> 0:14:48.920 I will not take feedback from somebody where I have 0:14:48.960 --> 0:14:51.880 a sense that there's an ulterior motive or a hidden agenda, 0:14:52.120 --> 0:14:55.800 or a lack of willingness to be in dialogue with me, 0:14:56.000 --> 0:14:58.960 in community with me. I won't take feedback from somebody. 0:14:59.320 --> 0:15:00.880 If I don't have a s that somebody has my 0:15:01.000 --> 0:15:03.760 back or has my best interest at heart, or who 0:15:03.800 --> 0:15:08.000 really can feel the core of me as a good, 0:15:08.400 --> 0:15:12.920 decent person, they don't get the right to give me feedback, right, 0:15:12.920 --> 0:15:14.520 you know. And that so that I think it really 0:15:14.600 --> 0:15:16.960 is about the strength that's I want us to be 0:15:17.080 --> 0:15:21.120 cultivating the kinds of relationships where there's enough trust that 0:15:21.280 --> 0:15:25.480 then feedback feels like a generous gift rather than an attack. 0:15:25.880 --> 0:15:28.400 And that's what there was. Right with my husband, I 0:15:28.520 --> 0:15:31.640 trust that he's in my corner. I trust that he 0:15:31.680 --> 0:15:33.720 has my back. I trust that whatever he wants and 0:15:33.800 --> 0:15:36.800 needs to say to me is in the service of 0:15:36.920 --> 0:15:41.080 everyone in our family feeling safe and understood and held 0:15:41.200 --> 0:15:44.960 and celebrated, rather than to take me down or to 0:15:45.080 --> 0:15:47.320 prove some point or to diminish me. 0:15:47.720 --> 0:15:51.200 When I do think in that same area, there's also resentment. 0:15:51.280 --> 0:15:54.160 We see a lot of relationships that people feel and 0:15:54.320 --> 0:15:58.240 resentment builds up over so much time for new couples, 0:15:58.240 --> 0:16:00.760 for even couples that have been together a long time, 0:16:01.160 --> 0:16:06.280 how do you avoid that resentment rut that everybody falls into. 0:16:06.520 --> 0:16:09.880 Resentment is a big one, and I think resentment happens 0:16:10.000 --> 0:16:13.680 when we don't have that ability to give and receive feedback. 0:16:13.760 --> 0:16:16.480 Right If I can't give, if you've shown me that 0:16:16.600 --> 0:16:19.000 you are a closed door and that you will not 0:16:19.120 --> 0:16:21.520 take my feedback, and everything I try to bring up 0:16:21.520 --> 0:16:23.760 with you you flip it back on me, then that's right. 0:16:23.840 --> 0:16:27.200 The absolute side effect is going to be that I'm 0:16:27.200 --> 0:16:29.920 going to build a resentment because I'm biting my tongue 0:16:30.000 --> 0:16:33.040 because it feels really difficult to talk to you. So 0:16:33.160 --> 0:16:36.000 resentment is going to be the side effect. It may 0:16:36.240 --> 0:16:38.760 help you in the moment because you don't have to 0:16:38.800 --> 0:16:41.680 deal with the difficulty of me giving you feedback. So 0:16:41.720 --> 0:16:43.600 in some ways you might be like, sweet, this is 0:16:43.640 --> 0:16:46.240 easy because she's not riding my ass, she's not telling 0:16:46.280 --> 0:16:48.680 me what I've done wrong, quote unquote. But so the 0:16:48.760 --> 0:16:51.200 moment might feel like it's been solved. But the problem 0:16:51.320 --> 0:16:53.680 is I'm building up a well of resentment because you 0:16:53.760 --> 0:16:57.720 aren't open and available to dialogue. Now, it's incumbent on 0:16:57.760 --> 0:17:00.120 me that when I do have feedback for you, that 0:17:00.200 --> 0:17:02.520 I do it in a deeply loving way where I 0:17:02.560 --> 0:17:05.960 convey to you, Morgan, you are my heart, like I 0:17:06.000 --> 0:17:08.800 am deeply invested, and here's what I love about how 0:17:08.840 --> 0:17:11.160 things are going, and here's what I value, And I 0:17:11.240 --> 0:17:14.960 really make sure that I am forward and explicit about 0:17:15.000 --> 0:17:17.720 all of the ways I can see you putting an effort, 0:17:17.760 --> 0:17:20.520 trying hard, like ways in which you know I show 0:17:20.560 --> 0:17:22.360 you that I have your back. And then I say 0:17:22.400 --> 0:17:24.400 to you, I want to give you this feedback because 0:17:24.800 --> 0:17:26.920 because of how much I love you, because of how 0:17:26.960 --> 0:17:30.200 much I want the space between us to feel good 0:17:30.359 --> 0:17:32.280 and safe and close. 0:17:32.720 --> 0:17:36.199 It sounds like along these same lines that communication is 0:17:36.240 --> 0:17:38.840 so important, but it feels like that's the bottom layer 0:17:38.880 --> 0:17:41.240 of all of this communicating is where it starts. 0:17:41.359 --> 0:17:44.400 Absolutely, oh, absolutely yeah. And you know, communication is more 0:17:44.440 --> 0:17:48.040 than just saying words. It is talking about something, talking 0:17:48.040 --> 0:17:52.240 about my internal experience, my thoughts, my reactions that I'm 0:17:52.280 --> 0:17:55.040 having in my relationship with you, saying in a way 0:17:55.040 --> 0:17:58.880 that communicates also empathy and benefit of the doubt. Right. 0:17:58.920 --> 0:18:01.080 Sometimes I I spend quite a bit of my time 0:18:01.080 --> 0:18:02.919 in couples therapy with people who are like, I'm just 0:18:03.000 --> 0:18:05.440 expressing my feelings. I can say what i want because 0:18:05.520 --> 0:18:09.320 I'm communicating. Well, communicating isn't. It's not just a free 0:18:09.359 --> 0:18:11.760 for all. We have to be mindful of. We have 0:18:11.800 --> 0:18:14.359 to start with the end in mind. How do I 0:18:14.440 --> 0:18:17.439 want this conversation to go. If I want you to 0:18:17.520 --> 0:18:22.440 be open and receptive and to take what I'm saying in, 0:18:22.920 --> 0:18:26.440 then I had better start by calming myself down or 0:18:26.520 --> 0:18:28.800 like whatever it is. I mean, like literally, like listening 0:18:28.800 --> 0:18:32.920 to music, like taking some deep breaths, asking you first, hey, 0:18:33.040 --> 0:18:35.879 like Todd to gesture with me, are you available for feedback? Right? 0:18:35.960 --> 0:18:39.320 There's things that we need to do around communication. It's 0:18:39.320 --> 0:18:42.879 more than just spitting out every single thought and feeling. 0:18:42.920 --> 0:18:45.119 That's you know, knocking around inside of your head. But 0:18:45.160 --> 0:18:47.679 we also need to have a set of skills around 0:18:47.720 --> 0:18:50.919 how we make repairs, how we apologize, and lots of 0:18:51.000 --> 0:18:53.640 us grew up in homes where we didn't see apology 0:18:53.800 --> 0:18:56.560 and forgiveness modeled for us, so we may actually not 0:18:56.600 --> 0:19:00.280 even know how to make a heartfelt apology. So when 0:19:00.280 --> 0:19:02.720 we do go into that tempson of the time where 0:19:02.720 --> 0:19:06.000 we say things, where we speak before thinking, where we 0:19:06.240 --> 0:19:10.040 allow our emotional brain to be in the driver's seat 0:19:10.160 --> 0:19:12.840 rather than our wise brain, we have to learn how 0:19:12.880 --> 0:19:15.320 to and be willing to look our partner in the 0:19:15.359 --> 0:19:18.159 eyes and say I'm sorry, I don't like how I 0:19:18.200 --> 0:19:21.159 said that, I would like a redo or with our kids. 0:19:21.400 --> 0:19:24.320 Thank you so much. It's been incredible talking with you, 0:19:24.359 --> 0:19:26.399 and I appreciate you taking some time to come on 0:19:26.480 --> 0:19:28.240 and teach us a lot of things that I think 0:19:28.280 --> 0:19:29.080 we all needed to hear. 0:19:29.440 --> 0:19:31.520 Thank you, Morgan, it was a fun conversation. Thanks for 0:19:31.560 --> 0:19:31.919 having me. 0:19:32.040 --> 0:19:33.560 I don't know about you, guys, but I feel like 0:19:33.600 --> 0:19:38.080 I've just been seriously educated on matters of relationships. So 0:19:38.160 --> 0:19:40.159 if you feel the same and you want to connect 0:19:40.200 --> 0:19:44.359 with doctor Solomon, her website is doctor Alexandrasolomon dot com 0:19:44.359 --> 0:19:49.160 spelled Solomo in or you can follow her on Instagram 0:19:49.160 --> 0:20:02.479 at doctor dot Alexandra dot Solomon. On with me right 0:20:02.520 --> 0:20:05.840 now is country artist Kylie Morgan. She's had a crazy 0:20:05.880 --> 0:20:08.160 journey to get to where she is today with her 0:20:08.240 --> 0:20:10.880 career and with her personal life, which is why I'm 0:20:10.920 --> 0:20:13.520 really excited to have her on this week. Hi, Kylie, 0:20:13.520 --> 0:20:16.760 thanks for coming on. Please give the people a little 0:20:16.760 --> 0:20:19.840 bit of your beginning story just in case they haven't 0:20:19.880 --> 0:20:20.760 heard any of this yet. 0:20:20.800 --> 0:20:23.600 What's up, everybody, I'm Kylie Morgan. Thank you so much 0:20:23.600 --> 0:20:24.119 for having me. 0:20:25.359 --> 0:20:25.479 So. 0:20:25.520 --> 0:20:28.119 I got my little pink guitar for Christmas from my 0:20:28.200 --> 0:20:31.600 papal when I was twelve, and truly there was no 0:20:31.680 --> 0:20:34.199 turning back. I told my mom when I learned my 0:20:34.240 --> 0:20:36.399 first three chords and wrote my first song on guitar, 0:20:36.560 --> 0:20:39.680 I was like, Mom, I'm skipping college and moving to 0:20:39.800 --> 0:20:41.360