WEBVTT - Breakup Detox: How to Let Go & Move Forward 0:00:08.880 --> 0:00:18.560 Okay, cats up little food for yourself life. 0:00:18.880 --> 0:00:19.880 Oh it's pretty bad. 0:00:19.880 --> 0:00:27.760 Hey, it's pretty beautiful. Thing beautiful. That's a little more exciting, said, 0:00:27.760 --> 0:00:31.479 he can cut your kicking it with four Thing. 0:00:31.920 --> 0:00:34.760 With Amy Brown, Happy Thursday. Four Things Amy Here, And 0:00:34.880 --> 0:00:39.040 my guest today is Sarah Canoles. And Sarah sent me 0:00:39.120 --> 0:00:42.199 an email and I don't know what stood out to 0:00:42.240 --> 0:00:44.800 me most Sarah. I think I just saw breakup detalks 0:00:45.080 --> 0:00:48.960 and I thought, oh, this is brilliant. She's helping people 0:00:49.159 --> 0:00:53.960 navigate breakups and you're a coach, which some people might think, 0:00:54.120 --> 0:00:58.280 what that just seems really odd to need someone to 0:00:58.480 --> 0:01:02.640 help guide them through a breakup, But I think it's brilliant. 0:01:02.840 --> 0:01:06.560 When I was going through my divorce, I feel like 0:01:06.560 --> 0:01:08.640 I could have used something like this. And then you 0:01:08.680 --> 0:01:11.560 and I were talking before we were recording, and I thought, shoot, 0:01:11.600 --> 0:01:14.880 I could have used you when my college boyfriend broke 0:01:15.000 --> 0:01:17.200 up with me. And I think it's just learning how 0:01:17.760 --> 0:01:21.040 to navigate something that is painful. 0:01:21.600 --> 0:01:25.440 Yeah, And what I really find is that a breakup 0:01:25.480 --> 0:01:30.120 can be a portal to knowing yourself better and reconnecting 0:01:30.160 --> 0:01:33.240 to who you really are. And the way that I 0:01:33.319 --> 0:01:35.959 did my breakups, like every time I got dumped by 0:01:36.040 --> 0:01:39.039 a boy in my teens and twenties and thirties. It 0:01:39.160 --> 0:01:42.600 was always about what did I do wrong and why 0:01:42.640 --> 0:01:45.360 did I cause the breakup? And that's kind of using 0:01:45.400 --> 0:01:49.040 to beat myself up. And I went through a breakup 0:01:49.080 --> 0:01:51.440 a couple of years ago and really used my coaching 0:01:51.480 --> 0:01:54.040 tools to go through it, and I thought, that's the 0:01:54.080 --> 0:01:56.440 healthiest I've ever done it. I actually came out more 0:01:56.520 --> 0:01:59.520 confident and more clear on who I am and what 0:01:59.600 --> 0:02:01.560 I want, and I thought more people need that. 0:02:02.080 --> 0:02:04.000 I think that it's a time that you get to 0:02:04.080 --> 0:02:06.600 ask yourself, what does this now make possible for me? 0:02:07.680 --> 0:02:09.839 And it doesn't ignore the pain that you're in. 0:02:10.280 --> 0:02:10.440 No. 0:02:10.639 --> 0:02:12.720 Donald Miller's a guest on the podcast that gave us 0:02:12.760 --> 0:02:15.040 that question a few years back, and I've used it 0:02:15.120 --> 0:02:18.440 so much and I think it acknowledges that you're in 0:02:18.480 --> 0:02:22.959 pain right now and also what does this now make possible? 0:02:23.240 --> 0:02:26.200 And you're helping people get there. So we're going to 0:02:26.280 --> 0:02:30.640 go through some breakup detox questions in a minute. But 0:02:30.720 --> 0:02:33.120 also before we started recording, we were talking about my 0:02:33.240 --> 0:02:37.680 friend's daughter who has recently broken up with via text message, 0:02:37.840 --> 0:02:41.080 and that was a painful way to get broken up 0:02:41.080 --> 0:02:44.160 with and you said that. So many adults do that, 0:02:44.400 --> 0:02:47.600 or they just ghost people and they are left wondering, 0:02:48.400 --> 0:02:49.919 what did I do? What happened? 0:02:50.160 --> 0:02:50.320 Well? 0:02:50.320 --> 0:02:53.480 An update to the text message story is when the 0:02:53.520 --> 0:02:56.320 parents of the boy found out that he dumped her 0:02:56.360 --> 0:02:58.880 that way there in high school, they went to their 0:02:58.880 --> 0:03:00.919 son and they said, no, So that is not how 0:03:00.960 --> 0:03:03.360 we break up with people. You are taking her to dinner. 0:03:04.080 --> 0:03:07.079 You're gonna pay for the dinner, and you're gonna have 0:03:07.440 --> 0:03:11.560 an open, honest conversation with her about why this isn't 0:03:11.600 --> 0:03:14.160 working for you. That way, she's not left wondering, and 0:03:14.480 --> 0:03:16.919 you are going to communicate in a healthy way. And 0:03:17.120 --> 0:03:19.919 that's how it's done. You don't just dumper over text. 0:03:20.440 --> 0:03:23.480 Yeah, it's the modern day equivalent of Sex and the 0:03:23.520 --> 0:03:26.200 City with Burger and the post it of like, I'm sorry, 0:03:26.200 --> 0:03:28.440 I can't don't hate me, and like now we send 0:03:28.440 --> 0:03:30.440 texts or we go see each other. And if we 0:03:30.680 --> 0:03:34.240 just developed a little bit of the ability to be 0:03:35.120 --> 0:03:38.360 uncomfortable with an uncomfortable like to sit in that discomfort 0:03:38.400 --> 0:03:42.280 of the uncomfortable conversation to say I want something different 0:03:42.360 --> 0:03:45.880 or this isn't working, it makes us better people. It 0:03:46.240 --> 0:03:48.600 leaves the other person better. It's like the Girl's Scout 0:03:48.600 --> 0:03:50.680 and Boy Scout motto of like leave it better than 0:03:50.720 --> 0:03:51.560 you found it, right. 0:03:52.240 --> 0:03:55.520 Yeah, Well, so let's just start right away with what 0:03:55.640 --> 0:03:58.800 is a breakup detox and why is it important to 0:03:59.080 --> 0:04:00.640 detox after or a split? 0:04:01.240 --> 0:04:04.200 When I think about detoxing, I think we're all familiar 0:04:04.240 --> 0:04:07.000 with spring cleaning our house of like getting rid of 0:04:07.000 --> 0:04:09.520 the old energy and like getting deep into the base 0:04:09.600 --> 0:04:12.120 bores and all those areas, or like if you're doing 0:04:12.160 --> 0:04:14.160 a diet, you're going to cut certain things out of 0:04:14.200 --> 0:04:17.560 your diet so that your body feels physically better. But 0:04:17.600 --> 0:04:21.520 we never think about our heart and all the gunk 0:04:21.640 --> 0:04:25.039 that might have built up, either from past relationships like 0:04:25.080 --> 0:04:27.960 we were saying of like our teenage years and first 0:04:28.000 --> 0:04:31.920 heartbreaks and stuff that we still hold on to, or 0:04:31.960 --> 0:04:35.760 even those patterns that we've got from just this most 0:04:35.760 --> 0:04:39.720 recent relationship that maybe've gone through a heartache. We need 0:04:39.800 --> 0:04:43.719 to clear all that away and create more space for 0:04:43.800 --> 0:04:45.240 the possibility of what's coming. 0:04:45.720 --> 0:04:48.360 Okay, so when you're talking about detox and you use 0:04:48.400 --> 0:04:51.679 the example of eliminating certain foods that you know don't 0:04:52.240 --> 0:04:54.360 make you feel your best, or getting rid of things 0:04:54.360 --> 0:04:57.800 in your house for a little spring cleaning. I did 0:04:57.800 --> 0:05:00.360 that once when I got into a new relationship. I 0:05:00.440 --> 0:05:04.320 threw away a whole shoebox full of my last relationship 0:05:04.360 --> 0:05:08.599 before that, and looking back, I sort of regret dumping 0:05:08.600 --> 0:05:10.680 that in the trash and totally getting rid of it. 0:05:10.760 --> 0:05:14.480 Not that I have any expectations for that relationship at 0:05:14.480 --> 0:05:17.120 this point in my life, But isn't it fun to 0:05:17.160 --> 0:05:19.679 just think that you could maybe go through your old 0:05:19.760 --> 0:05:22.200 stuff or have your kids or your grandkids go through 0:05:22.200 --> 0:05:25.200 your shoebox and like find fun memories. But I straight 0:05:25.279 --> 0:05:28.200 up through everything in the trash. Is that what you mean? 0:05:28.240 --> 0:05:30.320 Like we need a dtox, like get rid of it, 0:05:30.400 --> 0:05:33.159 because I don't know that you know, I want anybody 0:05:33.200 --> 0:05:36.799 to regret getting rid of something. But what's the detox part? 0:05:37.440 --> 0:05:39.680 Yeah? Yeah, So I look at four key areas and 0:05:39.720 --> 0:05:42.560 I'm totally with you. I think I've kept like a 0:05:42.600 --> 0:05:46.440 few letters from each of my really significant relationships, or 0:05:46.600 --> 0:05:49.119 like I had a college boyfriend write me a song 0:05:49.200 --> 0:05:52.120 and I have the cassette tape. Like there's a couple 0:05:52.240 --> 0:05:55.640 things I held onto not because I want the relationship back, 0:05:55.720 --> 0:05:57.960 but like you said, someday it might be nice to 0:05:58.080 --> 0:06:01.520 look back on that stuff and remember my own love journey. 0:06:01.760 --> 0:06:04.440 So I'm not talking about like a total wipe of everything. 0:06:04.560 --> 0:06:06.640 And I'm really not the kind of coach that gives 0:06:06.640 --> 0:06:09.440 hard and fast rules. I'm never going to be the 0:06:09.480 --> 0:06:12.560 person that advocates one hundred percent for no contact or 0:06:12.680 --> 0:06:16.599 like delete all social media or anything, because our lives 0:06:16.640 --> 0:06:18.760 are like we have gray areas in our life. And 0:06:18.839 --> 0:06:21.600 I'm sure you co parent with your ex. You can't 0:06:21.600 --> 0:06:24.720 go no contact if you're co parenting, But there are 0:06:25.080 --> 0:06:28.800 energetic ways to detox. So the four areas I look 0:06:28.839 --> 0:06:34.360 at is physical, mental, emotional, and social. And so in 0:06:34.400 --> 0:06:37.480 your physical area, that might be removing their stuff, like 0:06:37.920 --> 0:06:41.400 if you have your ex's shirt, return the shirt, Or 0:06:41.960 --> 0:06:45.120 there might be certain items that just bring up a 0:06:45.279 --> 0:06:49.719 lot of heartbreak, Like maybe remove those really charged items 0:06:50.160 --> 0:06:52.679 and choose a couple to put away, or you could 0:06:52.960 --> 0:06:54.839 put it in a box and maybe give it to 0:06:54.880 --> 0:06:56.480 a friend of Like, can you hang on to that 0:06:56.560 --> 0:06:58.760 for a while, just so I don't have to look 0:06:58.800 --> 0:07:04.320 at it your physical space and separate that out so 0:07:04.360 --> 0:07:07.080 that you're not in it all the time. You know, 0:07:07.120 --> 0:07:10.120 if you have to cohabitate for a while can you 0:07:10.240 --> 0:07:13.920 create a space that's purely yours, even if it's just 0:07:13.960 --> 0:07:17.120 a corner or a closet that you clear out something 0:07:17.880 --> 0:07:22.720 that is just you, just clean, just fresh, where you 0:07:22.760 --> 0:07:26.200 set up something cozy for yourself that's yours, and that 0:07:26.280 --> 0:07:29.000 way you have somewhere that you can get started on 0:07:29.040 --> 0:07:33.120 the healing process and the work. So that's physical. Mental 0:07:33.760 --> 0:07:37.240 is your thoughts. And the reason I tell people I'm 0:07:37.280 --> 0:07:39.280 never gonna be hard and fast about no contact because 0:07:39.280 --> 0:07:41.800 you could be no contact with somebody but still thinking 0:07:41.800 --> 0:07:44.520 about them all the time. So we really have to 0:07:44.520 --> 0:07:49.000 clean up your thinking patterns so that you can't stop 0:07:49.040 --> 0:07:52.160 thinking about somebody. You can't control your thoughts. Just like 0:07:52.240 --> 0:07:54.960 if I said, don't think about a pink elephant, you're 0:07:55.000 --> 0:07:58.520 going to think about a pink elephant. But you can 0:07:58.640 --> 0:08:02.120 choose where you're going to focus, and you can direct 0:08:02.120 --> 0:08:07.280 where you focus. So just kindly and gently notice, oh, 0:08:07.320 --> 0:08:10.680 I'm thinking about my ex again, and have sort of 0:08:10.720 --> 0:08:13.600 a mental boundary for yourself of like I. When I 0:08:13.640 --> 0:08:16.920 do that, I'm gonna kindly direct my attention of like, 0:08:17.680 --> 0:08:19.720 And this is really how I talk to myself like, No, sweetheart, 0:08:19.720 --> 0:08:21.960 we're not doing that right now, like we're going to 0:08:22.000 --> 0:08:25.400 think of something else, We're gonna we're gonna focus on ourselves. 0:08:25.680 --> 0:08:28.400 What do you need right now? And I always bring 0:08:28.440 --> 0:08:30.480 it back to myself because that's pretty easy of like 0:08:30.560 --> 0:08:32.920 what do I really really need right now? And like 0:08:33.280 --> 0:08:35.240 I need a walk, I need a cry, I need 0:08:35.280 --> 0:08:38.199 a hug, I need a cuddle with my pet. Anything 0:08:38.240 --> 0:08:42.000 like that is totally fine as you're redirecting what you're 0:08:42.040 --> 0:08:47.320 focusing on. And next we've got the emotional detox. So 0:08:47.920 --> 0:08:50.720 just like if you were doing like a body cleanse, 0:08:51.120 --> 0:08:53.640 there might be some stuff coming up and out. You 0:08:53.679 --> 0:08:55.600 don't want to hold it in or hold it down. 0:08:55.679 --> 0:08:58.520 You want to get it out. So right now you've 0:08:58.559 --> 0:09:00.840 got a lot of emotions kind up and we want 0:09:00.840 --> 0:09:03.600 to let those out. So great ways to do that. 0:09:04.080 --> 0:09:06.520 You might do a journal dump of like write it 0:09:06.559 --> 0:09:09.080 all down, get it out on paper so that it's 0:09:09.080 --> 0:09:11.840 not in your head. Or you might dance it out 0:09:12.040 --> 0:09:14.959 or shake it out or go for a walk. Or 0:09:15.080 --> 0:09:18.280 I love a temper tantrum, like straight up, like put 0:09:18.280 --> 0:09:20.840 yourself in your bag, kick and scream and get all 0:09:20.840 --> 0:09:23.600 your emotions out and go crazy for a couple minutes. 0:09:24.480 --> 0:09:26.840 You don't want to hold your emotions in you want 0:09:26.840 --> 0:09:29.080 to let them out. And I feel like I've heard 0:09:29.080 --> 0:09:31.760 on a podcast of yours you talk about like an 0:09:31.800 --> 0:09:36.480 emotional appointment, like a crying appointment. I highly recommend that 0:09:36.960 --> 0:09:39.360 because it gives you time and space to do it well. 0:09:39.400 --> 0:09:43.120 And one way that you can achieve that is if 0:09:43.160 --> 0:09:46.360 you know there's always a movie that evokes certain emotions, 0:09:46.480 --> 0:09:49.559 like you can know that, Okay, look on Friday night, 0:09:50.320 --> 0:09:53.280 I'm going to carve out time to watch this movie 0:09:53.559 --> 0:09:56.080 and have a release. And the movie may walk you 0:09:56.120 --> 0:09:58.640 through lots of emotions. You may cry, you may laugh. 0:09:58.679 --> 0:10:00.839 I think it's good to experience. It's a lot of things. 0:10:00.880 --> 0:10:03.520 But that's one way to appointment cry. Because a lot 0:10:03.559 --> 0:10:05.840 of us, we're leading these lives. You can't just have 0:10:05.920 --> 0:10:09.400 a meltdown and break down wherever you want. We have jobs, 0:10:09.440 --> 0:10:12.280 we have children, we have responsibilities. So if you just 0:10:12.360 --> 0:10:16.120 give yourself that permission to appointment cry at some point, 0:10:16.280 --> 0:10:17.040 then that's helpful. 0:10:17.600 --> 0:10:20.560 Absolutely. And I loved doing it in the shower, so 0:10:20.640 --> 0:10:22.959 I had like an extra lung shower and a certain 0:10:23.080 --> 0:10:25.719 song or I know a lot of my clients like 0:10:25.760 --> 0:10:28.439 doing it in the car because then you're kind of private. 0:10:28.920 --> 0:10:31.319 In a movie that may be more of a time investment. 0:10:31.400 --> 0:10:34.480 I love that you mentioned a song because there's always 0:10:34.480 --> 0:10:37.320 a song that will take you there always. 0:10:37.240 --> 0:10:41.160 So that's emotional, let it out. And then finally there's 0:10:41.200 --> 0:10:43.840 a social detox, because when we go through a breakup, 0:10:43.960 --> 0:10:48.920 your whole social circle probably is changing. You probably had well. 0:10:48.960 --> 0:10:52.520 Actually your ex is probably the closest relationship that you 0:10:52.600 --> 0:10:55.480 had or one of, and maybe you had patterns of 0:10:55.600 --> 0:10:59.199 that's the person I texted before bed or I shared 0:10:59.240 --> 0:11:01.960 all my good news with my ex. And you're having 0:11:02.040 --> 0:11:06.040 to redefine who is my person? So kind of like 0:11:06.240 --> 0:11:10.680 Gray's Anatomy, Christina and Meredith for each other's person, and 0:11:10.760 --> 0:11:13.480 it was a best friend relationship, it wasn't about the guy. 0:11:14.120 --> 0:11:16.400 Maybe this is a time that you get to redefine 0:11:16.480 --> 0:11:20.360 who's my person, who's in my inner circle? Who do 0:11:20.400 --> 0:11:23.600 I want to be sharing my life with. And I 0:11:23.640 --> 0:11:26.319 also like to encourage people to think of who is 0:11:26.360 --> 0:11:30.840 your support system, because sometimes that's not your friends as well. 0:11:30.880 --> 0:11:33.160 Meeting as our friends are, they have a hard time 0:11:33.520 --> 0:11:36.720 being with us through our pain or relating to it, 0:11:36.840 --> 0:11:40.119 and so having people that can really support and encourage 0:11:40.559 --> 0:11:43.240 you to go through your full range of emotions without 0:11:43.280 --> 0:11:47.600 having to fix you or change anything. Who will just 0:11:47.760 --> 0:11:49.680 listen can be really helpful. 0:11:50.080 --> 0:11:52.280 Now, what are some of the biggest mistakes that people 0:11:52.360 --> 0:12:06.760 make when they're trying to move on from someone? Now? 0:12:06.760 --> 0:12:09.079 What are some of the biggest mistakes that people make 0:12:09.160 --> 0:12:11.880 when they're trying to move on from someone. 0:12:12.360 --> 0:12:14.720 I think the biggest mistake I see the most is 0:12:14.760 --> 0:12:18.880 that they focus too much on their ex. I work 0:12:18.920 --> 0:12:22.080 with a lot of women who are really compassionate, people 0:12:22.160 --> 0:12:27.120 who are very giving, and they are worried about their ex, 0:12:27.360 --> 0:12:29.760 like I want to make sure he's okay and that 0:12:29.840 --> 0:12:33.000 he is coping with this all right, or that he 0:12:33.080 --> 0:12:35.360 has people he can turn too, like I was his 0:12:35.440 --> 0:12:37.080 best friend. I don't know what he's going to do. 0:12:37.760 --> 0:12:41.400 I love that that's the instinct. However, you have to 0:12:41.600 --> 0:12:44.320 trust that he's going to figure it out, and you 0:12:44.400 --> 0:12:47.600 have to turn your attention to yourself. That you are 0:12:47.640 --> 0:12:49.080 your most important person right now. 0:12:49.600 --> 0:12:51.760 So people that are coming to you, are they the 0:12:51.800 --> 0:12:55.640 ones that did the dumping or did they get dumped? 0:12:56.000 --> 0:12:58.160 Yeah? Most of the time they get dumped. I work 0:12:58.200 --> 0:13:01.120 with a lot of women. Tear Cole calls us high 0:13:01.120 --> 0:13:04.760 functioning codependence, where it's like we want to make sure 0:13:04.760 --> 0:13:09.080 everybody's okay. And I identify that way too as a recovering, 0:13:09.160 --> 0:13:11.320 high functioning codependent. We're the ones that are like, I 0:13:11.360 --> 0:13:13.720 got this all covered, and i got this all taken 0:13:13.720 --> 0:13:16.000 care of, and I'm gonna make sure you're okay too, 0:13:16.960 --> 0:13:19.520 and even through their own pain, rather than look at 0:13:19.520 --> 0:13:22.280 themselves and be with their own pain, they're looking to 0:13:22.360 --> 0:13:24.960 their ex of like, well, I'm gonna make sure he's okay. 0:13:25.640 --> 0:13:27.960 Yeah, I feel like that's pretty common, but especially if 0:13:28.000 --> 0:13:29.719 you have any codependent tendencies. 0:13:30.320 --> 0:13:31.400 Yeah, even if you're. 0:13:31.240 --> 0:13:34.760 The one that did the dumping, I can see you. 0:13:35.480 --> 0:13:37.280 Why do we call it dumping, by the way, that 0:13:37.440 --> 0:13:39.800 just came into my mind of like why it's like 0:13:39.840 --> 0:13:42.959 we're just like maybe they just dump throw away the trash, 0:13:43.080 --> 0:13:45.920 take to the take it to the dump. I might 0:13:45.960 --> 0:13:48.040 need to look into the roots of that, because I'm curious. 0:13:48.240 --> 0:13:51.000 But if you're the one that did the breaking up 0:13:51.600 --> 0:13:53.839 or you know it needs to happen, you may stay 0:13:53.840 --> 0:13:57.120 in a relationship longer because you're worried about the other person, 0:13:57.640 --> 0:14:02.040 And then that's definitely a code of behavior, absolutely because 0:14:02.040 --> 0:14:04.559 you're not doing what's best for you. Because you're trying 0:14:04.559 --> 0:14:08.200 to control what's happening in that other person's life. So 0:14:08.200 --> 0:14:11.960 what's the first thing that someone should do after a 0:14:12.000 --> 0:14:14.200 breakup if they're wanting to set themselves up for healing. 0:14:14.240 --> 0:14:16.800 Obviously the detox, but is there one specific thing that 0:14:16.880 --> 0:14:18.120 should be done first. 0:14:18.760 --> 0:14:22.800 This is so hard, but I tell people, let yourself 0:14:22.800 --> 0:14:27.560 fall apart. Don't resist that urge that you're falling apart 0:14:27.600 --> 0:14:30.720 and that everything is going to pieces. Let that happen. 0:14:31.280 --> 0:14:33.480 If you think about a caterpillar that's about to turn 0:14:33.520 --> 0:14:36.520 into a butterfly. The science behind this is still amazing 0:14:36.520 --> 0:14:39.000 to me. But once that caterpillar is in the cocoon, 0:14:39.560 --> 0:14:42.760 it dissolves into total goo and it has to do 0:14:42.800 --> 0:14:46.000 that so it can reform into a butterfly. So right 0:14:46.040 --> 0:14:49.120 after a breakup, where most people are in shock, they're 0:14:49.160 --> 0:14:52.040 feeling all the feelings, and I say, just let that happen. 0:14:52.120 --> 0:14:55.120 Don't resist it, don't try to hang on. Let yourself 0:14:55.160 --> 0:14:55.720 fall apart. 0:14:56.280 --> 0:14:58.920 Oh. I love that analogy. You're being able to picture 0:14:59.000 --> 0:15:02.160 that and see the goo. At least in my mind, 0:15:02.240 --> 0:15:05.080 I'm like, yes, let yourself go to mush and then 0:15:05.600 --> 0:15:10.640 you get to emerge a beautiful butterfly. Yeah, what are 0:15:10.680 --> 0:15:14.080 some surprising ways that people let go of an X 0:15:14.120 --> 0:15:19.160 that actually work? I don't know. I'm picturing like burning something. 0:15:20.080 --> 0:15:23.760 I love a burn. I teach a whole writing a 0:15:23.840 --> 0:15:27.440 letter writing process. That is, I tell them to think 0:15:27.480 --> 0:15:30.560 about what were the things that they loved about their ex, 0:15:31.080 --> 0:15:33.600 and what were the things they didn't like about their ex? 0:15:33.800 --> 0:15:36.160 And then also what were the things you liked about 0:15:36.160 --> 0:15:39.360 yourself when you were with them and the things you 0:15:39.440 --> 0:15:43.080 didn't like about yourself and the relationship Because there's probably 0:15:43.120 --> 0:15:45.720 something in each of those categories and we don't always 0:15:45.800 --> 0:15:47.920 fill them out. Most people are told write all the 0:15:47.960 --> 0:15:50.800 things you didn't like about that person, and that's not 0:15:50.920 --> 0:15:53.880 totally fair because we're all complex and we're a part 0:15:53.920 --> 0:15:56.320 of that story too, So we have to look at 0:15:56.760 --> 0:16:00.480 what was my part in the dynamic. And when we 0:16:00.560 --> 0:16:03.160 do it that way and you look at all four pieces, 0:16:03.680 --> 0:16:06.800 you start to pull apart. What are the things that 0:16:06.880 --> 0:16:10.960 I want to create again on purpose in my next relationship? 0:16:11.480 --> 0:16:14.840 I think people get really hung up and I did this. 0:16:14.960 --> 0:16:16.640 I did this a lot of I'm never going to 0:16:16.680 --> 0:16:19.880 find anybody as great as my ex ever again, and 0:16:20.680 --> 0:16:23.360 that's not true. You will find other great people in 0:16:23.400 --> 0:16:26.200 the world. There are lots of great people. We just 0:16:26.240 --> 0:16:29.280 have to know intentionally what we're looking for and how 0:16:29.320 --> 0:16:31.520 we get to show up and we're in relationship with 0:16:31.560 --> 0:16:32.080 those people. 0:16:32.600 --> 0:16:36.360 Okay. I love that the focusing on all aspects of 0:16:36.400 --> 0:16:39.720 the relationship, not just the negative. You're bringing in the 0:16:39.760 --> 0:16:42.920 positive parts too. And while you were talking, I looked 0:16:43.000 --> 0:16:46.880 up dumping and where it came from, because you know, 0:16:47.080 --> 0:16:51.800 I got curious. And it's a sudden and often callous 0:16:51.840 --> 0:16:56.440 way of ending a relationship, like discarding something unwanted, essentially 0:16:56.960 --> 0:17:00.400 throwing away the other person without much explace, a nation, 0:17:00.600 --> 0:17:05.680 or consideration. So really dumping should only be used if 0:17:06.080 --> 0:17:09.120 it's in that way, like, but if someone is breaking 0:17:09.240 --> 0:17:11.480 up with someone and they've done it in a thoughtful, 0:17:11.600 --> 0:17:14.080 kind way, it should not be called dumping. I think. 0:17:14.119 --> 0:17:16.000 So that's what I just learned. But earlier I was 0:17:16.040 --> 0:17:19.359 saying if you dumped or he dumped, But it really 0:17:19.400 --> 0:17:23.159 isn't dumping unless you've been discarded with no thought and 0:17:23.200 --> 0:17:29.359 no explanation. So when you are in a breakup season, like, 0:17:29.359 --> 0:17:32.680 we all have different seasons of life, So I imagine when 0:17:33.160 --> 0:17:36.919 when you have been broken up with or dumped, whatever 0:17:37.000 --> 0:17:40.960 has happened to you. Then you're in this season, and 0:17:41.000 --> 0:17:42.720 it's like you have a choice of how you want 0:17:42.760 --> 0:17:45.680 to navigate and live in this season. And I love 0:17:46.359 --> 0:17:50.080 that you're here to offer a healthier way to go 0:17:50.400 --> 0:17:54.080 about it. So what do you consider that season as 0:17:54.160 --> 0:17:57.639 there are particular time that it tends to last? Is 0:17:57.640 --> 0:18:01.040 it different for everybody? Should we try to be out 0:18:01.080 --> 0:18:03.480 of the season by you know, a certain number of 0:18:03.560 --> 0:18:06.320 weeks or months, or is it just case by case. 0:18:06.880 --> 0:18:09.600 I do like to think of it seasonally because sometimes 0:18:09.640 --> 0:18:12.359 when we're in the throes of it, it feels a 0:18:12.400 --> 0:18:14.840 lot like winter it's never going to end. It's going 0:18:14.880 --> 0:18:17.280 to be dark forever and the light is never coming, 0:18:17.320 --> 0:18:19.680 and it's always going to be cold. But it doesn't, 0:18:20.119 --> 0:18:23.640 and spring comes and things get to bloom. But actually, 0:18:23.680 --> 0:18:26.000 did you know there's actually in the calendar, like there's 0:18:26.000 --> 0:18:28.479 a time of year that is breakup season. 0:18:29.040 --> 0:18:32.199 Well, now that you're saying that, I'm guessing, is it 0:18:32.240 --> 0:18:32.840 winter time? 0:18:33.280 --> 0:18:33.919 It's March? 0:18:34.720 --> 0:18:38.520 Oh wait, okay, that's this month. Yeah, okay, so people 0:18:38.560 --> 0:18:41.280 need to be aware. Why is it March? 0:18:42.000 --> 0:18:46.440 Because it's after Valentine's Day, it's the biggest stretch between holidays. 0:18:46.560 --> 0:18:48.840 I also think people want to be single for summer. 0:18:49.520 --> 0:18:51.480 Okay, my mind is blown. I did not know that 0:18:51.520 --> 0:18:54.920 March was like the biggest breakup time of the year. 0:18:55.280 --> 0:18:58.600 Yeah, statistically, right before holidays and then March. 0:18:59.320 --> 0:19:01.920 Okay, so there's two times of the year that it happens. 0:19:01.920 --> 0:19:05.160 So is it March and then closer to Thanksgiving or something? 0:19:05.520 --> 0:19:07.560 Yeah? Yeah, because if you get to Thanksgiving, you got 0:19:07.560 --> 0:19:08.920 to go through Valentine's Day. 0:19:09.520 --> 0:19:14.440 That is so crazy that that many people just make 0:19:14.480 --> 0:19:17.320 their way through Valentine's Day. You would think that people 0:19:17.359 --> 0:19:19.560 would maybe break up right before Valentine's Day because they 0:19:19.560 --> 0:19:21.280 don't want to deal with having to get them a 0:19:21.320 --> 0:19:22.719 gift if they're only going to break up with them 0:19:22.720 --> 0:19:23.600 a few weeks later. 0:19:24.200 --> 0:19:27.400 I know, I hear it. A lot of people give 0:19:27.440 --> 0:19:32.400 me really weird stories of well, I gotta get this far. 0:19:32.600 --> 0:19:34.440 I don't want to be that person. I don't want 0:19:34.440 --> 0:19:39.480 to be that cruel. I'm like, oh, I mean heartbreaks, heartbreak, 0:19:40.000 --> 0:19:41.880 It's gonna hurt no matter what. Okay. 0:19:41.960 --> 0:19:44.680 Well, being that we are in March and we've just 0:19:44.800 --> 0:19:49.000 learned this is a big breakup time, breakup season, what 0:19:49.080 --> 0:19:52.639 advice do you have for people that might be blindsided 0:19:53.000 --> 0:19:55.280 by a breakup at some point this month. 0:19:55.920 --> 0:20:01.399 I always encourage people to start with passion, to be 0:20:01.560 --> 0:20:05.280 like radically compassionate with yourself, almost to the point where 0:20:05.320 --> 0:20:07.760 maybe you feel I don't know if your audience can 0:20:07.840 --> 0:20:10.479 relate to this. Of the we're the people that are 0:20:10.480 --> 0:20:13.080 the hardest on ourselves normally, and we are normally the 0:20:13.080 --> 0:20:17.000 first ones to criticize ourselves and really be harsh and judging. 0:20:17.240 --> 0:20:20.320 And so when I say be radically compassionate, it is 0:20:20.359 --> 0:20:23.840 almost like treating yourself like you would treat your child 0:20:24.160 --> 0:20:28.400 or your favorite pet, and be that kind to yourself, 0:20:28.840 --> 0:20:32.439 because we rarely do that, and what that might look like. 0:20:33.280 --> 0:20:37.400 I like the phrase of course, So if you're feeling 0:20:37.520 --> 0:20:42.120 really sad, maybe you meet that sadness with telling yourself, 0:20:42.400 --> 0:20:45.840 of course I'm sad. Of course I'm feeling this way 0:20:46.000 --> 0:20:49.720 because I really cared about that relationship. And when we 0:20:49.800 --> 0:20:52.320 use that phrase of course and we like guidide ourselves 0:20:52.359 --> 0:20:56.120 through that, there's something really comforting about it, and there's 0:20:56.200 --> 0:20:59.000 less judgment, and then it sort of clears a little 0:20:59.000 --> 0:21:02.720 bit of space that you kind of soothe yourself when 0:21:02.760 --> 0:21:04.879 you're crying. Is this making sense? 0:21:05.200 --> 0:21:07.320 Yeah, no, I'm thinking that it's very similar to the 0:21:07.480 --> 0:21:10.080 what does this now make possible? This is another one 0:21:10.119 --> 0:21:13.040 I want to keep in my back pocket of you know, 0:21:13.160 --> 0:21:17.240 that's a statement for certain things, and now I think 0:21:17.280 --> 0:21:21.840 that I'll use, of course for myself in certain conversations 0:21:21.840 --> 0:21:25.400 that I'm having with myself or with a friend, even 0:21:25.520 --> 0:21:29.919 encouraging them. Oh yeah, of course you're feeling this way 0:21:30.040 --> 0:21:35.440 and helping them accept and know that this makes sense. 0:21:35.760 --> 0:21:36.720 This mattered to you. 0:21:37.520 --> 0:21:40.520