Speaker 1: Okay, cats up little food for yourself life.
Speaker 2: Oh it's pretty bad.
Speaker 1: Hey, it's pretty beautiful. Thing beautiful. That's a little more exciting, said,
Speaker 1: he can cut your kicking it with four Thing.
Speaker 2: With Amy Brown, Happy Thursday. Four Things Amy Here, And
Speaker 2: my guest today is Sarah Canoles. And Sarah sent me
Speaker 2: an email and I don't know what stood out to
Speaker 2: me most Sarah. I think I just saw breakup detalks
Speaker 2: and I thought, oh, this is brilliant. She's helping people
Speaker 2: navigate breakups and you're a coach, which some people might think,
Speaker 2: what that just seems really odd to need someone to
Speaker 2: help guide them through a breakup, But I think it's brilliant.
Speaker 2: When I was going through my divorce, I feel like
Speaker 2: I could have used something like this. And then you
Speaker 2: and I were talking before we were recording, and I thought, shoot,
Speaker 2: I could have used you when my college boyfriend broke
Speaker 2: up with me. And I think it's just learning how
Speaker 2: to navigate something that is painful.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And what I really find is that a breakup
Speaker 1: can be a portal to knowing yourself better and reconnecting
Speaker 1: to who you really are. And the way that I
Speaker 1: did my breakups, like every time I got dumped by
Speaker 1: a boy in my teens and twenties and thirties. It
Speaker 1: was always about what did I do wrong and why
Speaker 1: did I cause the breakup? And that's kind of using
Speaker 1: to beat myself up. And I went through a breakup
Speaker 1: a couple of years ago and really used my coaching
Speaker 1: tools to go through it, and I thought, that's the
Speaker 1: healthiest I've ever done it. I actually came out more
Speaker 1: confident and more clear on who I am and what
Speaker 1: I want, and I thought more people need that.
Speaker 2: I think that it's a time that you get to
Speaker 2: ask yourself, what does this now make possible for me?
Speaker 2: And it doesn't ignore the pain that you're in.
Speaker 1: No.
Speaker 2: Donald Miller's a guest on the podcast that gave us
Speaker 2: that question a few years back, and I've used it
Speaker 2: so much and I think it acknowledges that you're in
Speaker 2: pain right now and also what does this now make possible?
Speaker 2: And you're helping people get there. So we're going to
Speaker 2: go through some breakup detox questions in a minute. But
Speaker 2: also before we started recording, we were talking about my
Speaker 2: friend's daughter who has recently broken up with via text message,
Speaker 2: and that was a painful way to get broken up
Speaker 2: with and you said that. So many adults do that,
Speaker 2: or they just ghost people and they are left wondering,
Speaker 2: what did I do? What happened?
Speaker 1: Well?
Speaker 2: An update to the text message story is when the
Speaker 2: parents of the boy found out that he dumped her
Speaker 2: that way there in high school, they went to their
Speaker 2: son and they said, no, So that is not how
Speaker 2: we break up with people. You are taking her to dinner.
Speaker 2: You're gonna pay for the dinner, and you're gonna have
Speaker 2: an open, honest conversation with her about why this isn't
Speaker 2: working for you. That way, she's not left wondering, and
Speaker 2: you are going to communicate in a healthy way. And
Speaker 2: that's how it's done. You don't just dumper over text.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's the modern day equivalent of Sex and the
Speaker 1: City with Burger and the post it of like, I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: I can't don't hate me, and like now we send
Speaker 1: texts or we go see each other. And if we
Speaker 1: just developed a little bit of the ability to be
Speaker 1: uncomfortable with an uncomfortable like to sit in that discomfort
Speaker 1: of the uncomfortable conversation to say I want something different
Speaker 1: or this isn't working, it makes us better people. It
Speaker 1: leaves the other person better. It's like the Girl's Scout
Speaker 1: and Boy Scout motto of like leave it better than
Speaker 1: you found it, right.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Well, so let's just start right away with what
Speaker 2: is a breakup detox and why is it important to
Speaker 2: detox after or a split?
Speaker 1: When I think about detoxing, I think we're all familiar
Speaker 1: with spring cleaning our house of like getting rid of
Speaker 1: the old energy and like getting deep into the base
Speaker 1: bores and all those areas, or like if you're doing
Speaker 1: a diet, you're going to cut certain things out of
Speaker 1: your diet so that your body feels physically better. But
Speaker 1: we never think about our heart and all the gunk
Speaker 1: that might have built up, either from past relationships like
Speaker 1: we were saying of like our teenage years and first
Speaker 1: heartbreaks and stuff that we still hold on to, or
Speaker 1: even those patterns that we've got from just this most
Speaker 1: recent relationship that maybe've gone through a heartache. We need
Speaker 1: to clear all that away and create more space for
Speaker 1: the possibility of what's coming.
Speaker 2: Okay, so when you're talking about detox and you use
Speaker 2: the example of eliminating certain foods that you know don't
Speaker 2: make you feel your best, or getting rid of things
Speaker 2: in your house for a little spring cleaning. I did
Speaker 2: that once when I got into a new relationship. I
Speaker 2: threw away a whole shoebox full of my last relationship
Speaker 2: before that, and looking back, I sort of regret dumping
Speaker 2: that in the trash and totally getting rid of it.
Speaker 2: Not that I have any expectations for that relationship at
Speaker 2: this point in my life, But isn't it fun to
Speaker 2: just think that you could maybe go through your old
Speaker 2: stuff or have your kids or your grandkids go through
Speaker 2: your shoebox and like find fun memories. But I straight
Speaker 2: up through everything in the trash. Is that what you mean?
Speaker 2: Like we need a dtox, like get rid of it,
Speaker 2: because I don't know that you know, I want anybody
Speaker 2: to regret getting rid of something. But what's the detox part?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Yeah, So I look at four key areas and
Speaker 1: I'm totally with you. I think I've kept like a
Speaker 1: few letters from each of my really significant relationships, or
Speaker 1: like I had a college boyfriend write me a song
Speaker 1: and I have the cassette tape. Like there's a couple
Speaker 1: things I held onto not because I want the relationship back,
Speaker 1: but like you said, someday it might be nice to
Speaker 1: look back on that stuff and remember my own love journey.
Speaker 1: So I'm not talking about like a total wipe of everything.
Speaker 1: And I'm really not the kind of coach that gives
Speaker 1: hard and fast rules. I'm never going to be the
Speaker 1: person that advocates one hundred percent for no contact or
Speaker 1: like delete all social media or anything, because our lives
Speaker 1: are like we have gray areas in our life. And
Speaker 1: I'm sure you co parent with your ex. You can't
Speaker 1: go no contact if you're co parenting, But there are
Speaker 1: energetic ways to detox. So the four areas I look
Speaker 1: at is physical, mental, emotional, and social. And so in
Speaker 1: your physical area, that might be removing their stuff, like
Speaker 1: if you have your ex's shirt, return the shirt, Or
Speaker 1: there might be certain items that just bring up a
Speaker 1: lot of heartbreak, Like maybe remove those really charged items
Speaker 1: and choose a couple to put away, or you could
Speaker 1: put it in a box and maybe give it to
Speaker 1: a friend of Like, can you hang on to that
Speaker 1: for a while, just so I don't have to look
Speaker 1: at it your physical space and separate that out so
Speaker 1: that you're not in it all the time. You know,
Speaker 1: if you have to cohabitate for a while can you
Speaker 1: create a space that's purely yours, even if it's just
Speaker 1: a corner or a closet that you clear out something
Speaker 1: that is just you, just clean, just fresh, where you
Speaker 1: set up something cozy for yourself that's yours, and that
Speaker 1: way you have somewhere that you can get started on
Speaker 1: the healing process and the work. So that's physical. Mental
Speaker 1: is your thoughts. And the reason I tell people I'm
Speaker 1: never gonna be hard and fast about no contact because
Speaker 1: you could be no contact with somebody but still thinking
Speaker 1: about them all the time. So we really have to
Speaker 1: clean up your thinking patterns so that you can't stop
Speaker 1: thinking about somebody. You can't control your thoughts. Just like
Speaker 1: if I said, don't think about a pink elephant, you're
Speaker 1: going to think about a pink elephant. But you can
Speaker 1: choose where you're going to focus, and you can direct
Speaker 1: where you focus. So just kindly and gently notice, oh,
Speaker 1: I'm thinking about my ex again, and have sort of
Speaker 1: a mental boundary for yourself of like I. When I
Speaker 1: do that, I'm gonna kindly direct my attention of like,
Speaker 1: And this is really how I talk to myself like, No, sweetheart,
Speaker 1: we're not doing that right now, like we're going to
Speaker 1: think of something else, We're gonna we're gonna focus on ourselves.
Speaker 1: What do you need right now? And I always bring
Speaker 1: it back to myself because that's pretty easy of like
Speaker 1: what do I really really need right now? And like
Speaker 1: I need a walk, I need a cry, I need
Speaker 1: a hug, I need a cuddle with my pet. Anything
Speaker 1: like that is totally fine as you're redirecting what you're
Speaker 1: focusing on. And next we've got the emotional detox. So
Speaker 1: just like if you were doing like a body cleanse,
Speaker 1: there might be some stuff coming up and out. You
Speaker 1: don't want to hold it in or hold it down.
Speaker 1: You want to get it out. So right now you've
Speaker 1: got a lot of emotions kind up and we want
Speaker 1: to let those out. So great ways to do that.
Speaker 1: You might do a journal dump of like write it
Speaker 1: all down, get it out on paper so that it's
Speaker 1: not in your head. Or you might dance it out
Speaker 1: or shake it out or go for a walk. Or
Speaker 1: I love a temper tantrum, like straight up, like put
Speaker 1: yourself in your bag, kick and scream and get all
Speaker 1: your emotions out and go crazy for a couple minutes.
Speaker 1: You don't want to hold your emotions in you want
Speaker 1: to let them out. And I feel like I've heard
Speaker 1: on a podcast of yours you talk about like an
Speaker 1: emotional appointment, like a crying appointment. I highly recommend that
Speaker 1: because it gives you time and space to do it well.
Speaker 2: And one way that you can achieve that is if
Speaker 2: you know there's always a movie that evokes certain emotions,
Speaker 2: like you can know that, Okay, look on Friday night,
Speaker 2: I'm going to carve out time to watch this movie
Speaker 2: and have a release. And the movie may walk you
Speaker 2: through lots of emotions. You may cry, you may laugh.
Speaker 2: I think it's good to experience. It's a lot of things.
Speaker 2: But that's one way to appointment cry. Because a lot
Speaker 2: of us, we're leading these lives. You can't just have
Speaker 2: a meltdown and break down wherever you want. We have jobs,
Speaker 2: we have children, we have responsibilities. So if you just
Speaker 2: give yourself that permission to appointment cry at some point,
Speaker 2: then that's helpful.
Speaker 1: Absolutely. And I loved doing it in the shower, so
Speaker 1: I had like an extra lung shower and a certain
Speaker 1: song or I know a lot of my clients like
Speaker 1: doing it in the car because then you're kind of private.
Speaker 2: In a movie that may be more of a time investment.
Speaker 2: I love that you mentioned a song because there's always
Speaker 2: a song that will take you there always.
Speaker 1: So that's emotional, let it out. And then finally there's
Speaker 1: a social detox, because when we go through a breakup,
Speaker 1: your whole social circle probably is changing. You probably had well.
Speaker 1: Actually your ex is probably the closest relationship that you
Speaker 1: had or one of, and maybe you had patterns of
Speaker 1: that's the person I texted before bed or I shared
Speaker 1: all my good news with my ex. And you're having
Speaker 1: to redefine who is my person? So kind of like
Speaker 1: Gray's Anatomy, Christina and Meredith for each other's person, and
Speaker 1: it was a best friend relationship, it wasn't about the guy.
Speaker 1: Maybe this is a time that you get to redefine
Speaker 1: who's my person, who's in my inner circle? Who do
Speaker 1: I want to be sharing my life with. And I
Speaker 1: also like to encourage people to think of who is
Speaker 1: your support system, because sometimes that's not your friends as well.
Speaker 1: Meeting as our friends are, they have a hard time
Speaker 1: being with us through our pain or relating to it,
Speaker 1: and so having people that can really support and encourage
Speaker 1: you to go through your full range of emotions without
Speaker 1: having to fix you or change anything. Who will just
Speaker 1: listen can be really helpful.
Speaker 2: Now, what are some of the biggest mistakes that people
Speaker 2: make when they're trying to move on from someone? Now?
Speaker 2: What are some of the biggest mistakes that people make
Speaker 2: when they're trying to move on from someone.
Speaker 1: I think the biggest mistake I see the most is
Speaker 1: that they focus too much on their ex. I work
Speaker 1: with a lot of women who are really compassionate, people
Speaker 1: who are very giving, and they are worried about their ex,
Speaker 1: like I want to make sure he's okay and that
Speaker 1: he is coping with this all right, or that he
Speaker 1: has people he can turn too, like I was his
Speaker 1: best friend. I don't know what he's going to do.
Speaker 1: I love that that's the instinct. However, you have to
Speaker 1: trust that he's going to figure it out, and you
Speaker 1: have to turn your attention to yourself. That you are
Speaker 1: your most important person right now.
Speaker 2: So people that are coming to you, are they the
Speaker 2: ones that did the dumping or did they get dumped?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Most of the time they get dumped. I work
Speaker 1: with a lot of women. Tear Cole calls us high
Speaker 1: functioning codependence, where it's like we want to make sure
Speaker 1: everybody's okay. And I identify that way too as a recovering,
Speaker 1: high functioning codependent. We're the ones that are like, I
Speaker 1: got this all covered, and i got this all taken
Speaker 1: care of, and I'm gonna make sure you're okay too,
Speaker 1: and even through their own pain, rather than look at
Speaker 1: themselves and be with their own pain, they're looking to
Speaker 1: their ex of like, well, I'm gonna make sure he's okay.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I feel like that's pretty common, but especially if
Speaker 2: you have any codependent tendencies.
Speaker 1: Yeah, even if you're.
Speaker 2: The one that did the dumping, I can see you.
Speaker 2: Why do we call it dumping, by the way, that
Speaker 2: just came into my mind of like why it's like
Speaker 2: we're just like maybe they just dump throw away the trash,
Speaker 2: take to the take it to the dump. I might
Speaker 2: need to look into the roots of that, because I'm curious.
Speaker 2: But if you're the one that did the breaking up
Speaker 2: or you know it needs to happen, you may stay
Speaker 2: in a relationship longer because you're worried about the other person,
Speaker 2: And then that's definitely a code of behavior, absolutely because
Speaker 2: you're not doing what's best for you. Because you're trying
Speaker 2: to control what's happening in that other person's life. So
Speaker 2: what's the first thing that someone should do after a
Speaker 2: breakup if they're wanting to set themselves up for healing.
Speaker 2: Obviously the detox, but is there one specific thing that
Speaker 2: should be done first.
Speaker 1: This is so hard, but I tell people, let yourself
Speaker 1: fall apart. Don't resist that urge that you're falling apart
Speaker 1: and that everything is going to pieces. Let that happen.
Speaker 1: If you think about a caterpillar that's about to turn
Speaker 1: into a butterfly. The science behind this is still amazing
Speaker 1: to me. But once that caterpillar is in the cocoon,
Speaker 1: it dissolves into total goo and it has to do
Speaker 1: that so it can reform into a butterfly. So right
Speaker 1: after a breakup, where most people are in shock, they're
Speaker 1: feeling all the feelings, and I say, just let that happen.
Speaker 1: Don't resist it, don't try to hang on. Let yourself
Speaker 1: fall apart.
Speaker 2: Oh. I love that analogy. You're being able to picture
Speaker 2: that and see the goo. At least in my mind,
Speaker 2: I'm like, yes, let yourself go to mush and then
Speaker 2: you get to emerge a beautiful butterfly. Yeah, what are
Speaker 2: some surprising ways that people let go of an X
Speaker 2: that actually work? I don't know. I'm picturing like burning something.
Speaker 1: I love a burn. I teach a whole writing a
Speaker 1: letter writing process. That is, I tell them to think
Speaker 1: about what were the things that they loved about their ex,
Speaker 1: and what were the things they didn't like about their ex?
Speaker 1: And then also what were the things you liked about
Speaker 1: yourself when you were with them and the things you
Speaker 1: didn't like about yourself and the relationship Because there's probably
Speaker 1: something in each of those categories and we don't always
Speaker 1: fill them out. Most people are told write all the
Speaker 1: things you didn't like about that person, and that's not
Speaker 1: totally fair because we're all complex and we're a part
Speaker 1: of that story too, So we have to look at
Speaker 1: what was my part in the dynamic. And when we
Speaker 1: do it that way and you look at all four pieces,
Speaker 1: you start to pull apart. What are the things that
Speaker 1: I want to create again on purpose in my next relationship?
Speaker 1: I think people get really hung up and I did this.
Speaker 1: I did this a lot of I'm never going to
Speaker 1: find anybody as great as my ex ever again, and
Speaker 1: that's not true. You will find other great people in
Speaker 1: the world. There are lots of great people. We just
Speaker 1: have to know intentionally what we're looking for and how
Speaker 1: we get to show up and we're in relationship with
Speaker 1: those people.
Speaker 2: Okay. I love that the focusing on all aspects of
Speaker 2: the relationship, not just the negative. You're bringing in the
Speaker 2: positive parts too. And while you were talking, I looked
Speaker 2: up dumping and where it came from, because you know,
Speaker 2: I got curious. And it's a sudden and often callous
Speaker 2: way of ending a relationship, like discarding something unwanted, essentially
Speaker 2: throwing away the other person without much explace, a nation,
Speaker 2: or consideration. So really dumping should only be used if
Speaker 2: it's in that way, like, but if someone is breaking
Speaker 2: up with someone and they've done it in a thoughtful,
Speaker 2: kind way, it should not be called dumping. I think.
Speaker 2: So that's what I just learned. But earlier I was
Speaker 2: saying if you dumped or he dumped, But it really
Speaker 2: isn't dumping unless you've been discarded with no thought and
Speaker 2: no explanation. So when you are in a breakup season, like,
Speaker 2: we all have different seasons of life, So I imagine when
Speaker 2: when you have been broken up with or dumped, whatever
Speaker 2: has happened to you. Then you're in this season, and
Speaker 2: it's like you have a choice of how you want
Speaker 2: to navigate and live in this season. And I love
Speaker 2: that you're here to offer a healthier way to go
Speaker 2: about it. So what do you consider that season as
Speaker 2: there are particular time that it tends to last? Is
Speaker 2: it different for everybody? Should we try to be out
Speaker 2: of the season by you know, a certain number of
Speaker 2: weeks or months, or is it just case by case.
Speaker 1: I do like to think of it seasonally because sometimes
Speaker 1: when we're in the throes of it, it feels a
Speaker 1: lot like winter it's never going to end. It's going
Speaker 1: to be dark forever and the light is never coming,
Speaker 1: and it's always going to be cold. But it doesn't,
Speaker 1: and spring comes and things get to bloom. But actually,
Speaker 1: did you know there's actually in the calendar, like there's
Speaker 1: a time of year that is breakup season.
Speaker 2: Well, now that you're saying that, I'm guessing, is it
Speaker 2: winter time?
Speaker 1: It's March?
Speaker 2: Oh wait, okay, that's this month. Yeah, okay, so people
Speaker 2: need to be aware. Why is it March?
Speaker 1: Because it's after Valentine's Day, it's the biggest stretch between holidays.
Speaker 1: I also think people want to be single for summer.
Speaker 2: Okay, my mind is blown. I did not know that
Speaker 2: March was like the biggest breakup time of the year.
Speaker 1: Yeah, statistically, right before holidays and then March.
Speaker 2: Okay, so there's two times of the year that it happens.
Speaker 2: So is it March and then closer to Thanksgiving or something?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Yeah, because if you get to Thanksgiving, you got
Speaker 1: to go through Valentine's Day.
Speaker 2: That is so crazy that that many people just make
Speaker 2: their way through Valentine's Day. You would think that people
Speaker 2: would maybe break up right before Valentine's Day because they
Speaker 2: don't want to deal with having to get them a
Speaker 2: gift if they're only going to break up with them
Speaker 2: a few weeks later.
Speaker 1: I know, I hear it. A lot of people give
Speaker 1: me really weird stories of well, I gotta get this far.
Speaker 1: I don't want to be that person. I don't want
Speaker 1: to be that cruel. I'm like, oh, I mean heartbreaks, heartbreak,
Speaker 1: It's gonna hurt no matter what. Okay.
Speaker 2: Well, being that we are in March and we've just
Speaker 2: learned this is a big breakup time, breakup season, what
Speaker 2: advice do you have for people that might be blindsided
Speaker 2: by a breakup at some point this month.
Speaker 1: I always encourage people to start with passion, to be
Speaker 1: like radically compassionate with yourself, almost to the point where
Speaker 1: maybe you feel I don't know if your audience can
Speaker 1: relate to this. Of the we're the people that are
Speaker 1: the hardest on ourselves normally, and we are normally the
Speaker 1: first ones to criticize ourselves and really be harsh and judging.
Speaker 1: And so when I say be radically compassionate, it is
Speaker 1: almost like treating yourself like you would treat your child
Speaker 1: or your favorite pet, and be that kind to yourself,
Speaker 1: because we rarely do that, and what that might look like.
Speaker 1: I like the phrase of course, So if you're feeling
Speaker 1: really sad, maybe you meet that sadness with telling yourself,
Speaker 1: of course I'm sad. Of course I'm feeling this way
Speaker 1: because I really cared about that relationship. And when we
Speaker 1: use that phrase of course and we like guidide ourselves
Speaker 1: through that, there's something really comforting about it, and there's
Speaker 1: less judgment, and then it sort of clears a little
Speaker 1: bit of space that you kind of soothe yourself when
Speaker 1: you're crying. Is this making sense?
Speaker 2: Yeah, no, I'm thinking that it's very similar to the
Speaker 2: what does this now make possible? This is another one
Speaker 2: I want to keep in my back pocket of you know,
Speaker 2: that's a statement for certain things, and now I think
Speaker 2: that I'll use, of course for myself in certain conversations
Speaker 2: that I'm having with myself or with a friend, even
Speaker 2: encouraging them. Oh yeah, of course you're feeling this way
Speaker 2: and helping them accept and know that this makes sense.
Speaker 2: This mattered to you.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, and that phrase works in all kinds of situations.
Speaker 2: That's what I'm thinking, like, yeah, even beyond a breakup.
Speaker 2: I've even thinking, gosh, with my kids, that's such a
Speaker 2: good one for them to have as well. Of course
Speaker 2: you're feeling this way about being left out, you know,
Speaker 2: and not being invited over to this one friend's house.
Speaker 2: That makes sense and it validates their feelings.
Speaker 1: I literally just did it as I was talking, because
Speaker 1: as I was moving, I noticed, like, I'm sweating through
Speaker 1: this shirt, and I'm like, of course you are. You
Speaker 1: sweat when you're excited and when you're nervous, and of
Speaker 1: course I'm like, both of those things are true. I'm
Speaker 1: really excited to be here. I love speaking, and of
Speaker 1: course I'm nervous. I love sharing what I do, but
Speaker 1: it's such an honor to be able to share this
Speaker 1: with your audience.
Speaker 2: Well, and I think too, I was looking at it
Speaker 2: as like, of course in certain negative situations or things
Speaker 2: where you might be let down, but I think the
Speaker 2: horse could work too when there's something really exciting, like
Speaker 2: you were saying, of course your body is acting in
Speaker 2: this way because of this, and then it helps you
Speaker 2: then have control of like, oh, of course you're feeling
Speaker 2: a little nervous right now before you're about to go
Speaker 2: do this, it's because it's important to you. Yeah, And
Speaker 2: then it's like, oh yeah, and it can acknowledge that
Speaker 2: those emotions are there, and then you can turn that
Speaker 2: nervous energy into something positive.
Speaker 1: Yeah. I'm trying to like shortcut so that I don't
Speaker 1: let the shame come in of Oh, how embarrassing. I'm
Speaker 1: sweating through my shirt. I'm human, I get like I know,
Speaker 1: but of course, like I also carry shame, and so
Speaker 1: instead of going down the shame road, I go down
Speaker 1: the of course road and it feels better. Well. I
Speaker 1: love that.
Speaker 2: I think that is good advice because I would bet
Speaker 2: if March is a popular time to break up. Somebody
Speaker 2: is going to be listening to this in March that
Speaker 2: needs this. Are there ways to prepare yourself emotionally if
Speaker 2: you sense like a breakup is coming, Like maybe someone's
Speaker 2: literally listening to this right now and they're like, I
Speaker 2: am just picking up on vibes that a breakup is
Speaker 2: on the horizon.
Speaker 1: There are two things there. One it kind of ties
Speaker 1: back to the uncomfortable conversation we were having about the
Speaker 1: young man taking the girl out to dinner and having
Speaker 1: the conversation face to face instead of a text message.
Speaker 1: If you're sensing it and this is the person you love,
Speaker 1: maybe have the uncomfortable conversation and call it out of
Speaker 1: I'm feeling less connected to you or I'm feeling something
Speaker 1: has shifted. Can we talk about what's happening and be
Speaker 1: brave and have the conversation. But the other piece of that,
Speaker 1: the part that you really can control, is how you're
Speaker 1: going to respond. And I think the most important thing
Speaker 1: to do to prepare is to practice having your own back,
Speaker 1: practice knowing I'm going to be okay no matter what happens.
Speaker 1: And this is something I really had to build a
Speaker 1: lot of reps. I had to do a lot of
Speaker 1: practice of this. For me, this was a really weak muscle,
Speaker 1: and I think about what are the ways I can
Speaker 1: let myself know I'm going to be okay no matter what,
Speaker 1: if I fail, if the relationship ends, if he never
Speaker 1: wants to see me again, I'm going to be okay.
Speaker 1: And it's not dependent on him. It's not dependent on
Speaker 1: the relationship. So how can I strengthen that for myself?
Speaker 2: I love that reminder of knowing that you are truly
Speaker 2: going to be okay, and it may not feel that
Speaker 2: way when it first happens. But that's the great thing
Speaker 2: about this is in preparation, you can get ahead of it.
Speaker 2: If you're sensing that something might be coming, and if
Speaker 2: you're blindsided by it, you're going to feel that way
Speaker 2: as well. But I would just like to I could
Speaker 2: be a story of hope, as there is light on
Speaker 2: the other side. And to go back to the cocoon
Speaker 2: butterfly example and the turning to mush is if you
Speaker 2: truly believe that that person is for you, and there's
Speaker 2: nothing else for you out there and you're never going
Speaker 2: to find anybody, then that's where you're going to stay.
Speaker 2: Stuck like you'll forever be stuck in your little cocoon,
Speaker 2: and that's going to be very isolating and lonely and sad,
Speaker 2: and I don't want that for you. It's like the
Speaker 2: Henry Ford quote. Whether you think you can or you
Speaker 2: think you can't, you're right.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: So if you think there is nobody else out there
Speaker 2: for you, then yeah, stay in your little cocoon. That's
Speaker 2: exactly what's going to.
Speaker 1: Happen for you.
Speaker 2: But if you believe that you can emerge from this
Speaker 2: stronger and healthier and more beautiful than ever before, then
Speaker 2: you're right, you can, but it's going to take the work.
Speaker 2: Otherwise you're just going to be stuck in that little cocoon.
Speaker 2: I love that image in my mind right now.
Speaker 1: I will say that's why a coach is amazing, because
Speaker 1: sometimes we only have a glimmer of that for ourselves.
Speaker 1: But if you're working with the right person, they get
Speaker 1: to hold the whole picture of I see the butterfly
Speaker 1: of what's possible on the other side, and I'm going
Speaker 1: to hold the whole picture and I'm going to help
Speaker 1: you through the process. I love that.
Speaker 2: What is one mindset shift? I love a good mindset shift.
Speaker 2: Is there one a particular that makes a huge difference.
Speaker 1: Yeah. I like to think about this like you're making
Speaker 1: a cake and the very first cake you made probably
Speaker 1: wasn't very good. You probably got the balance wrong, and
Speaker 1: you've maybe like got the ingredients all or you didn't
Speaker 1: quite get the science of it right. And then maybe
Speaker 1: you had a cake that you made that was amazing,
Speaker 1: and you've tried it again over and over and over again.
Speaker 1: These are all of our relationships, are all these attempts
Speaker 1: at baking a cake, And each time you do it,
Speaker 1: you learn a little bit more and you start finding
Speaker 1: the more you do it, you start finding what is
Speaker 1: the right balance that I really like. And sometimes we
Speaker 1: need the balance of that bitterness with the sweet. We need,
Speaker 1: you know, that hit of that bitter coffee with the
Speaker 1: chocolate to make the chocolate taste richer. So I like
Speaker 1: to think about this stuff that you're going through is
Speaker 1: that bitterness and it's going to make the sweet so
Speaker 1: much better and it's going to add so much depth
Speaker 1: to the life that you're baking right now.
Speaker 2: Oh, I love that so much. You know. Earlier, right
Speaker 2: when we first started talking, you mentioned your love journey
Speaker 2: and keeping little bits and pieces from each relationship, not
Speaker 2: because you want something with that person down the line
Speaker 2: in any way that relationship is over, but it's part
Speaker 2: of your love journey. And that's the cake. It's all
Speaker 2: parts of your love journey being mixed together to make
Speaker 2: something really yummy and beautiful and tasty. And I think
Speaker 2: of how much I learned from my marriage ending. I
Speaker 2: don't know that I learned much from relationships before that,
Speaker 2: because I got married in my young to mid twenties,
Speaker 2: and my serious relationship before that was in college, and
Speaker 2: I don't know that I learned that much, Like I
Speaker 2: wasn't in a place of learning and growth. I think
Speaker 2: I just went through the heartache and didn't really walk
Speaker 2: with much. But from my marriage, fast forward seventeen years
Speaker 2: of that relationship and then in my forties, if I'm
Speaker 2: getting into another relationship wanting it to be as healthy
Speaker 2: as possible, I knew that I was going to have
Speaker 2: to do the work on myself. And as I am
Speaker 2: in a new relationship now, I like that I have
Speaker 2: that vision now of me in the kitchen with all
Speaker 2: my different ingredients baking my cake and all parts of
Speaker 2: what I am bringing to the table now are important
Speaker 2: in building my cake. And I learned so much.
Speaker 1: Yes, you learned so much. And I think as we
Speaker 1: get older, we also start learning to embrace all the
Speaker 1: parts of ourself. And I guess it doesn't translate so
Speaker 1: much into baking. It's more like cooking, but you think
Speaker 1: of like salty and sweet, balancing and new mommy and
Speaker 1: depth of flavor. And as we embrace all those parts
Speaker 1: of ourself, it makes you a full person.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And thankfully I put in the work to learn
Speaker 2: from my failures in the relationship and then also my
Speaker 2: partners parts of our relationship that were very unhealthy, and
Speaker 2: it was very hard, Like I remember just wanting to
Speaker 2: be so far away from all of it because I
Speaker 2: was like, this is just all so hard, this hurts
Speaker 2: so much. But now I think of who I am
Speaker 2: and what I can bring to the table because of
Speaker 2: that pain that I went through. And I also know
Speaker 2: it was painful too, because it was a relationship that
Speaker 2: meant a lot to me and I never thought I
Speaker 2: would get divorced right when I got married. That just
Speaker 2: was not an option at all. And so then, you know,
Speaker 2: speaking of shame, you mentioned that earlier, I carried that
Speaker 2: around with me of like, oh, now I'm divorced and
Speaker 2: that was never supposed to be a part of my
Speaker 2: story and I've got two kids, but now it's like, oh,
Speaker 2: so much of that is a part of what makes
Speaker 2: up my cake.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: So if you just had one piece of advice, I
Speaker 2: know you've got a lot of wisdom that you pass
Speaker 2: along to clients and if you're doing interviews like this,
Speaker 2: but if there was just one piece of advice to
Speaker 2: someone that is struggling right now to let go of somebody,
Speaker 2: what's that one piece of advice that you would give them.
Speaker 1: My one piece of advice is that you are so
Speaker 1: much more powerful than you know, and you are capable
Speaker 1: of so much more than you know, and you have
Speaker 1: wonderful gifts that you need to share with the world.
Speaker 1: And the time that you are spending stuck, it's keeping
Speaker 1: those gifts and your power from really radiating out and
Speaker 1: from you shining your light. And we need your light
Speaker 1: right now. And if it's hard to stop looking backwards,
Speaker 1: start looking where your feet are right now and where
Speaker 1: your heart is right now, and be there for yourself
Speaker 1: right now. It might be hard to look at a future.
Speaker 1: It might be hard to look forward, but take care
Speaker 1: of you right now today, in this moment, start right here.
Speaker 2: Dolly Pardon has a quote that's the way I see it.
Speaker 2: If you want the rainbow, you got to put up
Speaker 2: with the rain. I love that, and it's just such
Speaker 2: a good one. It's a good one because we're all
Speaker 2: going to go through storms and rainbows are such a
Speaker 2: beautiful thing that we get to enjoy. But it is
Speaker 2: after the rain. It is after a storm, and if
Speaker 2: you stay stuck inside, you may miss the rainbow.
Speaker 1: The butterfly comes after the goo.
Speaker 2: That's right. That's Sarah's quote. So Dolly's quote is the
Speaker 2: rainbow after the rain, and I think I can get
Speaker 2: on board with the butterfly comes after the goop. That's
Speaker 2: such a good one.
Speaker 1: Sarah.
Speaker 2: Where can people find you? If they want to learn
Speaker 2: more about what you offer and what you.
Speaker 1: Do, they can come follow me on Instagram. I'm at
Speaker 1: Sarah Cronol's so just my name all one word or
Speaker 1: I wanted to offer a little freak to your listeners
Speaker 1: because I know this conversation has been so deep. I
Speaker 1: have a free guide of ten journal prompts that they
Speaker 1: can do and they can download that at top ten
Speaker 1: journal prompts dot com.
Speaker 2: I'll also link it in the show notes and Sarah
Speaker 2: spells her last name see you are Innoles, so that'll
Speaker 2: be linked there. We love a good journal prompt Sarah's
Speaker 2: got ten of them, and journaling is one of the
Speaker 2: ways that you can let go of an X. I'm
Speaker 2: sure those prompts help people process that and surrender, let
Speaker 2: it go.
Speaker 1: They'll take what we started here and it'll go a
Speaker 1: lot deeper.
Speaker 2: And then apparently I love fire because then after your
Speaker 2: journal I'm probably gonna be like, and then go ahead
Speaker 2: and burn it, do it.
Speaker 1: Release it, send that up to the ether.
Speaker 2: Yeah, there you go. Well, Sarah, thank you for this conversation.
Speaker 2: Break up Detox. I think that this is something that
Speaker 2: will definitely come in handy and unfortunately maybe for more
Speaker 2: people this month then others, but at least people can
Speaker 2: now be as prepared as possible and have hope that
Speaker 2: they're going to be okay. Absolutely, thank you, Sarah, bye bye.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for having me