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Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast, where we

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Speaker 1: discussed all things mental health, personal development, and all the

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Speaker 1: small decisions we can make to become the best possible

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Speaker 1: versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy Harden Bradford,

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Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. To get more information

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Speaker 1: and resources, visit the website at Therapy for Black Girls

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Speaker 1: dot com. And while I hope you love listening to

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Speaker 1: and learning from the podcast, it is not meant to

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Speaker 1: be a substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental

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Speaker 1: health professional. Hey y'all, thanks so much for joining me

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Speaker 1: for session twenty four of the Therapy for Black Girls podcast. So,

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Speaker 1: if you follow me on social media or if you're

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Speaker 1: a part of the Therapy for Black Girls Thrive tribe

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Speaker 1: on Facebook, the you know that I'm a huge fan

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Speaker 1: of the HBO show Insecure. UM. You may have heard

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Speaker 1: my recaps with the Extraordinary Negroes podcast shout out to them. UM.

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Speaker 1: So I'm just a huge fan of HBO Insecure. I

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Speaker 1: think that it highlights a lot of issues that twenty

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Speaker 1: and thirty something um black people deal with, UM and

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Speaker 1: a lot of the things that I typically see in

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Speaker 1: therapy sessions when I'm working with clients. So I just

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Speaker 1: think it's a very cool show. UM. I enjoy some

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Speaker 1: of the concepts, and really what I love most is

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Speaker 1: that it sparked such conversation UM and so I think

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Speaker 1: important conversations that we need to be having. So I'm

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Speaker 1: a huge fan. So you know that I had to

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Speaker 1: give you an episode of my thoughts about the finale UM,

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Speaker 1: and it definitely was quite the show. So we got

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Speaker 1: a forty five minute episode this week to end off

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Speaker 1: season two. And first, I just think that the entire

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Speaker 1: show is shot beautifully, but it felt like in particular,

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Speaker 1: this season finale was just shot incredibly beautiful. UM. Everybody

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Speaker 1: always looks gorgeous. And you may have seen on social

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Speaker 1: media a video going around that talks to Um, the

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Speaker 1: photography director, about the different UM techniques and strategy she

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Speaker 1: uses to shoot black people. So that's been pretty cool. UM.

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Speaker 1: I also really enjoyed the way they framed the episode

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Speaker 1: in terms of thirty days with each of the three

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Speaker 1: main characters. So we start off with thirty days with Lawrence,

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Speaker 1: then thirty days with Molly, and then thirty days with Issa,

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Speaker 1: and I think it really highlighted like how connected our

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Speaker 1: lives are even when we don't know it, and really

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Speaker 1: highlighted UM how scenes can look really differently depending on

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Speaker 1: your advantage point. So the episode was called Hell of

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Speaker 1: Perspectives because depending on who you were in this narrative,

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Speaker 1: the scene played out very differently. So I thought it

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Speaker 1: was very cool they had um started out with the

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Speaker 1: marathon that and you didn't even know that they all

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Speaker 1: were in attendance, and they obviously didn't even know that

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Speaker 1: they would be all in attendance, But then you see

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Speaker 1: them kind of making eye contact suddenly, um or not

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Speaker 1: not eye contact, but they would see each other without

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Speaker 1: the other person seeing them. So I thought that that

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Speaker 1: was really cool or really playful way to kind of

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Speaker 1: start off this finale. So I've watched the episode twice

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Speaker 1: now because it felt like it was that good and

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Speaker 1: I feel like I needed to, um, really kind of

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Speaker 1: pay more close attention to some of the things that

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Speaker 1: were going on and really wanted to kind of highlight

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Speaker 1: um four different things that I have been mulling over

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Speaker 1: that feel like some key lessons that we can take

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Speaker 1: from this episode to really kind of apply or at

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Speaker 1: least discussed in our own lives. So the very first

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Speaker 1: one was Molly goes back to therapy. Yea, so you

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Speaker 1: know that I have been itching to see Molly back

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Speaker 1: in the therapist office. Um. If you listen to our

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Speaker 1: earlier podcast episode with Esther Boykin, you know we did

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Speaker 1: a mock therapy session with what it might look like

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Speaker 1: if Molly did actually go to therapy. So I'm very

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Speaker 1: excited that she actually did go back to therapy. Um.

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Speaker 1: We see in one of the early scenes that she

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Speaker 1: is back in Dr Pine's office, and it looks as

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Speaker 1: if that it looks as if this has um her

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Speaker 1: first session since we last saw her. Um. You know,

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Speaker 1: she made the comment that she felt like Dr Pine

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Speaker 1: was getting all in her business and kind of projecting

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Speaker 1: things onto her, which I don't think was accurate, but

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Speaker 1: completely valid for her to feel that way. UM. So

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Speaker 1: it feels like they picked right picked up right where

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Speaker 1: they left off in terms of discussing how Molly was

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Speaker 1: shooting all over herself. So that's a playful little turn

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Speaker 1: we kind of throw around. UM, when clients come in

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Speaker 1: talking about all of the things that should be happening

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Speaker 1: in their lives as as opposed to what actually is

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Speaker 1: happening in their lives. And my friend and colleague Annie Wright,

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Speaker 1: who is a psychotherapist in Berkeley, California, UM wrote an

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Speaker 1: excellent article that I will link to, of course in

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Speaker 1: the show notes. You can find that at Therapy for

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Speaker 1: Black Girls dot com back slash Session twenty four UM

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Speaker 1: about two steps we can take to stop shooting on ourselves,

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Speaker 1: So make sure you check that out. So the therapist

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Speaker 1: and Molly are exploring her feelings about Quentin um not

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Speaker 1: being the type of guy that she should be with.

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Speaker 1: He's not typically who she is attracted to, and the

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Speaker 1: therapist challenges her to kind of consider getting out of

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Speaker 1: the shop and consider living in the could, which was

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Speaker 1: a cute little therapist catchphrase. UM, and I didn't realize

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Speaker 1: that the first time I watched it, but when I

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Speaker 1: rewatched it, I realized that the very next scene that

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Speaker 1: we see is the scene where Molly and Quentin end

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Speaker 1: up sleeping together. So I feel like she took the

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Speaker 1: therapist words pretty literally. And I think the therapist really

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Speaker 1: was just kind of inviting her to consider maybe giving

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Speaker 1: Quentin a chance to kind of see, UM, if she

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Speaker 1: continued spending time with him, what might develop. So she

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Speaker 1: really took that literally. And then the very next scene

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Speaker 1: we see her actually sleeping with him. So again I

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Speaker 1: think she was very literal and taking the therapist advice,

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Speaker 1: when I think the therapist really was just inviting her

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Speaker 1: to consider what her her life might look like if

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Speaker 1: she stopped placing all of these perhaps unrealistic expectations on herself,

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Speaker 1: um and if she just kind of allow things to

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Speaker 1: um unfold naturally. And I think, even if it is

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Speaker 1: not related to us dating different people, I think that

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Speaker 1: a lot of us have um ideas about what our

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Speaker 1: life should look like, so to speak, um so society's

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Speaker 1: expectations of what a black woman's life should look like,

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Speaker 1: our parents ideas about what our lives should look like.

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Speaker 1: And I think a lot of times we don't actually

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Speaker 1: um sit with ourselves to discover what we actually want,

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Speaker 1: you know, So we kind of have this either invisible

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Speaker 1: or visible. Sometimes we have actually written it out UM

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Speaker 1: plan for our lives and don't really kind of check

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Speaker 1: in to see where did this plan come from? Is

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Speaker 1: this something that feels true to my core or is

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Speaker 1: this something that I have developed because it is what

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Speaker 1: should be happening for life. So I think we can

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Speaker 1: learn that lesson from this scene in this interaction with

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Speaker 1: Molly and Quentin and the therapist in that UM to

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Speaker 1: challenge ourselves about what are the show that we have

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Speaker 1: in our lives. The second issue I'd like to highlight

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Speaker 1: related to the season finale was related to black girl friendships.

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Speaker 1: So shout out to all of the sisters who have

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Speaker 1: wrote like incredibly amazing articles talking about the way that

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Speaker 1: Insecure really highlights black girl friendships. UM. I definitely will

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Speaker 1: link a couple of those in the show notes because

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Speaker 1: I think that they really UM give you more information

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Speaker 1: about why it feels like this show in particular is

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Speaker 1: so important in the way that it highlights friendships. So

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Speaker 1: I love that since they had that huge fallout last

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Speaker 1: season when they were calling each other out at that

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Speaker 1: fundraiser before we got y'all, it looks like they have

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Speaker 1: now chosen Malibu as their code word for when they

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Speaker 1: want to be honest with one another without hurting the

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Speaker 1: other person's feelings. So it's kind of they will say

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Speaker 1: malibu and then say what they're really thinking. UM, And

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Speaker 1: I think that that fight that they had last season

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Speaker 1: happened in large part because they had been sitting on

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Speaker 1: hurt feelings and observations about one another that had not

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Speaker 1: been shared. So they have this fight and then they

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Speaker 1: just kind of unleash all of these thoughts and feelings

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Speaker 1: that they have been holding to themselves, and it feels

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Speaker 1: like they aren't holding onto these thoughts and resentments anymore

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Speaker 1: and instead are using malibu to mark when, um, they

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Speaker 1: have something to say in the moment that they seriously

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Speaker 1: want the other person to consider. And I think that

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Speaker 1: this is actually a great strategy, and those people, those

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Speaker 1: therapists and clinicians who do couples work, UM probably use

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Speaker 1: interventions that are similar like to this. So the whole

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Speaker 1: point is that, UM, you want to say things in

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Speaker 1: the moment when your feelings have been hurt by a

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Speaker 1: friend or a partner. You don't want to let months

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Speaker 1: and months go by where people are offending you, are

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Speaker 1: crossing boundaries with you, and you don't say anything. So

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Speaker 1: saying things in the moment is much more effective than

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Speaker 1: having a silly fight about something completely and unrelated and

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Speaker 1: then unleashing month's worth of wrath and wrongdoings that you

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Speaker 1: have been collecting related to your friend or your partner.

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Speaker 1: In the field, we call this kitchen sinking. So It's like,

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Speaker 1: when you have this fight, you just throw everything into

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Speaker 1: the kitchen sink, which is not at all effective because

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Speaker 1: then you lose focus of what was the main issue,

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Speaker 1: like what was really going on today that you wanted

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Speaker 1: to discuss. So it's not fair. It typically is not

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Speaker 1: effective for you to just kind of throw all of

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Speaker 1: these different things at your partner when you're upset. It's

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Speaker 1: much more effective to actually stay focus on what the

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Speaker 1: infraction is that day. So having a little catch phrase

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Speaker 1: like malibu, now that probably won't be your word, but

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Speaker 1: you can come up with something that works for you

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Speaker 1: and your friend or your partner. Um, having a little

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Speaker 1: catch phrase allows you to kind of slow down the conversation,

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Speaker 1: to stop in the moment, and really be very intentional

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Speaker 1: and immediate in addressing your feelings. So I thought that

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Speaker 1: they did a very nice job of highlighting especially in

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Speaker 1: this episode UM Black Girl Friendships UM, which was also

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Speaker 1: really nice that we saw kind of towards the end, Um,

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Speaker 1: it looks like they or Easter probably has discovered that

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Speaker 1: she will not be able to afford this Morocco trip

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Speaker 1: that they had been planning. So then Molly Um kind

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Speaker 1: of decorates her apartment in this elaborate Morocco theme and

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Speaker 1: has you know, food brought in and decorations and things

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Speaker 1: like that to kind of have a little piece of

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Speaker 1: Morocco in the home. UM. So I thought that that

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Speaker 1: was a nice kind of fitting way to kind of

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Speaker 1: see us UM sending them off for their friendship in

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Speaker 1: this season finale. So the third issue that I wanted

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Speaker 1: to address related to the season finale that I think

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Speaker 1: we can apply to our lives, or at least think

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Speaker 1: more about, is the lives we tell ourselves about closure.

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Speaker 1: So the scene that you saw with Easa and Lawrence

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Speaker 1: in the kitchen, this is what everybody dreams about when

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Speaker 1: they say they want to have closure after a breakup

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Speaker 1: and these This is the thing that Hollywood does really well,

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Speaker 1: but the rest of us not so much. So typically

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Speaker 1: real life closure conversations, if they happen, don't look as

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Speaker 1: eloquent and um put together and balanced as this one did.

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Speaker 1: So typically when we are saying that we want closure,

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Speaker 1: it's just another excuse to see our X who were

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Speaker 1: really not over and it usually ends with everybody naked.

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Speaker 1: So when we say we want closure, we're typically looking

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Speaker 1: for this other person, our X to give us permission

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Speaker 1: to move on. And in the case of East and Lawrence,

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Speaker 1: it did look like they both felt better after the

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Speaker 1: conversation and we're able to move on to the next

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Speaker 1: stage of the relationship being over. So at the very end,

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Speaker 1: you see, um, she gets a friend request from Lawrence again,

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Speaker 1: you know, So it feels like they had this conversation,

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Speaker 1: they both were able to kind of share how they

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Speaker 1: felt like they were wrong at different things, and then

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Speaker 1: it feels like they were able to move on. But

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Speaker 1: I wonder what happens if the convo hadn't happened, and

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Speaker 1: what if the convo doesn't happen in your life? Um?

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Speaker 1: And I saw a lot of people comment about feeling

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Speaker 1: triggered by this particular scene just because either you have

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Speaker 1: had a similar conversation or you wish you had a

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Speaker 1: conversation like this to kind of get some closure on

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Speaker 1: a relationship. And so how can you get closure if

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Speaker 1: you don't have an incredible writer like Ray scripting out

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Speaker 1: a scene like this for you. So you can create

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Speaker 1: what I typically call your own closure ritual. Um. So

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Speaker 1: the first step in this would be to write a

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Speaker 1: letter addressing all the things you wish you could say

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Speaker 1: to your ex. So in this scene, we saw them

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Speaker 1: both except responsibility for how they thought they could have

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Speaker 1: been better in the relationship. What about um you want

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Speaker 1: to talk about? What about the ending of your relationship?

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Speaker 1: Can you accept responsibility for? So we saw them do

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Speaker 1: a pretty good job of accepting responsibility for the different

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Speaker 1: ways they may not have held up their end of

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Speaker 1: the bargain in the relationship. So you want to think

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Speaker 1: about in your own relationship, what in what ways did

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Speaker 1: you not show up or do what you may be

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Speaker 1: needed to do to keep the relationship moving. You also

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Speaker 1: want to discuss how you felt wrong in the relationship

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Speaker 1: and anything else you would want to say to your

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Speaker 1: ex if you could have this conversation with him. The

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Speaker 1: trick with this letter is to stay focused on what

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Speaker 1: you would like to say. I don't want you to

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Speaker 1: get caught up in what the other person might say, etcetera.

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Speaker 1: This is an opportunity for you to get your thoughts

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Speaker 1: and feelings out, so stay focused on you don't get

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Speaker 1: too caught up in well if they say this, and

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna say this. Stay strictly focused on what you

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Speaker 1: would like to get out and what you want to

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Speaker 1: get off your chest. The second step in the closure

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Speaker 1: ritual would be if you have a therapist you're working with,

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Speaker 1: and if not, this might be a great time to

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Speaker 1: look into getting one. UM you process the letter and

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Speaker 1: what comes up for you with your therapist. So really

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Speaker 1: maybe even sharing the letter with your therapists um are

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Speaker 1: reading portions of it out loud, could be really helpful

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Speaker 1: so that you can and begin to get some closure

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Speaker 1: around in what ways you were responsible maybe for the

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Speaker 1: end of the relationship, and end in what ways you

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Speaker 1: were not responsible. So I think a lot of times

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Speaker 1: after a breakup, because we don't typically have access to

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Speaker 1: the X in these kinds of kinds of conversations, we

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Speaker 1: try to take on a lot of blame for the

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Speaker 1: ending of the relationship on ourselves, when that's not really accurate.

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Speaker 1: So I think having written out all of your thoughts

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Speaker 1: and getting everything off your chest in this letter and

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Speaker 1: then having an opportunity to talk with it, talk with

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Speaker 1: your therapist about it, can really help you see what

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Speaker 1: was your stuff and what was not your stuff, so

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Speaker 1: you take responsibility for that which was yours and you

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Speaker 1: leave everything else in the therapist office. So I think

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Speaker 1: it can be a very powerful experience. The third step

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Speaker 1: after you have processed with your therapist, and this may

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Speaker 1: be more than one session. Um. There's no not necessarily

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Speaker 1: a time limit on how long this might take, but

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Speaker 1: you know it probably will be at least a couple

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Speaker 1: of the sessions because you typically only have forty five

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Speaker 1: fifty in it, so it may take some time to

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Speaker 1: kind of get through the letter depending on what you write,

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Speaker 1: So don't think it will be a one session kind

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Speaker 1: of thing. So the third step, when you're ready and

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Speaker 1: when you have kind of processed, all you can with

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Speaker 1: a therapist UM is to either shred or burn the letter.

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Speaker 1: So this can help signify that you really are ready

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Speaker 1: to move past this stage of the breakup. So this

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Speaker 1: doesn't necessarily mean that you won't still think about your

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Speaker 1: ex or feel sad from time to time, but it

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Speaker 1: does mean that you are ready to kind of reclaim

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Speaker 1: the power is having over you. So again, don't think

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Speaker 1: that burning or shredding this letter is going to say like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: this person is magically disappeared from my life. As great

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Speaker 1: as that might be, that won't be the case, um,

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Speaker 1: but it does kind of signify, I think, to you

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Speaker 1: and the universe that you really are ready to kind

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Speaker 1: of move forward from this stage. So you've kind of

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Speaker 1: gotten all your thoughts out on paper, you've processed it

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Speaker 1: with a objective third party, and now you're ready to

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Speaker 1: kind of release it. So I think it can be

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Speaker 1: a very powerful ritual. So if you have tried something

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Speaker 1: like this, or if you're thinking about UM doing something

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Speaker 1: like this, I definitely would love to hear how this goes,

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Speaker 1: or UM you know what your experiences or something like

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Speaker 1: this are, or if you have a different kind of

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Speaker 1: UM break up closure ritual that you have developed for

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Speaker 1: yourself or your friends have done, then I'd love to

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Speaker 1: hear that too. You can definitely share that with us

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Speaker 1: either in the Facebook group, you can find that at

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Speaker 1: Therapy for Black Girls dot com, backslash tribe, or you

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Speaker 1: can use the hashtag tb G in session on Twitter

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Speaker 1: or Instagram and let me know what your closure rituals

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Speaker 1: look like. And then the final scene that I had

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Speaker 1: to absolutely talk about UM was the flashforward scene. So

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Speaker 1: I think that this scene had all of us pretty

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Speaker 1: deep in our feelings, myself included, because it was UM

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Speaker 1: a classic Issa dream sequence, so you see her imagining

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Speaker 1: what it would look like for Lawrence to propose, and

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Speaker 1: then for them to get married and get pregnant and

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Speaker 1: come home with their new baby, so all of this

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Speaker 1: kind of flashes right before her eyes. And I think

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Speaker 1: that it was um pretty poignant to me and stood

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Speaker 1: out to me, especially because it feels like it was

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Speaker 1: very relevant to what I discussed in session sixteen of

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Speaker 1: the podcast, So if you haven't listened to that one,

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Speaker 1: then you definitely want to check that one out after

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Speaker 1: this one. I'll link it in the show notes, so

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Speaker 1: it's easy for you to find UM. Because when I

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Speaker 1: talked about still holding onto your ex because of what

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Speaker 1: they represented, this is what I meant. So we saw

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Speaker 1: like this ten second depiction of what this looks like.

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Speaker 1: So sometimes we will hold on to a relationship not

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Speaker 1: necessarily because it's good for us or because it's what

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Speaker 1: we truly want, but it's what will check off these

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Speaker 1: boxes and things we think our life should look like.

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Speaker 1: So we get caught up and envisioning what the future

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Speaker 1: looks like. We sometimes miss thinking about whether this person

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Speaker 1: is actually a good partner for us. I and I

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Speaker 1: think it was particularly relevant because it really highlighted many

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Speaker 1: of the reasons why we have trouble letting go of

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Speaker 1: our X after the relationship is over. Now, personally, I

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Speaker 1: still don't really think that Issa and Lawrence to make

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Speaker 1: a great couple, at least based on what we've seen, um.

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Speaker 1: But they do have a lot of history. They really

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Speaker 1: love one another, as you heard them share, and they're

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Speaker 1: comfortable with one another, and I think that's what often

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Speaker 1: keeps us stuck in relationships. So it's a major part

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Speaker 1: of why I think Issa cheated in the first place,

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Speaker 1: because the relationship really wasn't advancing, but it had been

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Speaker 1: a long time. They were comfortable with one another, and

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Speaker 1: she didn't really feel like she needed to end it right.

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Speaker 1: So I think it's arguable about how good of a

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Speaker 1: guy Lawrence is. I've seen debates on that back and forth, UM,

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Speaker 1: but I don't think there is any denying that they

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Speaker 1: had a lot of history and we're very comfortable with

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Speaker 1: one another. Like in each of the scenes where we've

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Speaker 1: seen them together, besides that fight they had last week, UM,

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Speaker 1: we've seen them kind of continue to playfully banter with

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Speaker 1: one another about like the Frank Ocean pillow and what

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Speaker 1: happened to her wall um when he was there waiting

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Speaker 1: for the couch, so it's it's clear that they still

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Speaker 1: have a connection with one another, um and so it

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Speaker 1: feels like nothing was necessarily really wrong, and I think

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Speaker 1: that's why she didn't in the relationship. And I think,

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Speaker 1: if we're honest with ourselves, a lot of us have

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Speaker 1: found ourselves in situations like this where nothing's really wrong,

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Speaker 1: but nothing's really right either. So I do think that

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Speaker 1: this scene in particular can kind of challenge us to

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Speaker 1: um think differently about how we're showing up in relationships,

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Speaker 1: or to kind of reflect on what has happened in

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Speaker 1: the past, so mineus the cheating. I think that breakups

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Speaker 1: like Issa and Lawrence that happened even though you both

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Speaker 1: still love one another or sometimes the hardest to get over.

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Speaker 1: And I think it's a good reminder that sometimes we

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Speaker 1: simply need to love other people from a distance, because

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Speaker 1: it takes more than just love to have a fulfilling

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Speaker 1: relationship and for a relationship to really continue to work.

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Speaker 1: So those were my thoughts. Those were kind of like

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Speaker 1: the highlights that stood out to me, and the scenes

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Speaker 1: and interactions that I thought were most applicable to our

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Speaker 1: own lives and things that kind of give us father

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Speaker 1: for discussion and reflection, but I would love to hear

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Speaker 1: any thoughts that you have, any scenes that felt particularly

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Speaker 1: poignant to you that you want to discuss more. UM.

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Speaker 1: We already had a pretty lively discussion in the Facebook group,

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Speaker 1: so if you want to jump into the Facebook group

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Speaker 1: to share your thoughts, I would invite you to do

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Speaker 1: that again. You can find that at Therapy for Black

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Speaker 1: Girls dot com backslash tribe that's t R I b

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Speaker 1: E UM, so we can continue having that conversation. But

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Speaker 1: if you don't and you want to to share your

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Speaker 1: thoughts on social media, you can find us at on

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Speaker 1: Twitter at Therapy for the Number four be Girls, and

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Speaker 1: you can find us on Instagram and Facebook at Therapy

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Speaker 1: for Black Girl UM, and make sure that you use

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Speaker 1: the hashtag tv G in session. I'm definitely really interested

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Speaker 1: in hearing um your reflections about the episode, because, like

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Speaker 1: I said, I think that it was a really strong episode,

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Speaker 1: and I think it still left us with a lot

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Speaker 1: of questions, but I do think that they tied some

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Speaker 1: things together nicely. So you will notice that I didn't

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Speaker 1: talk very much about UM the whole situation with Molly

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Speaker 1: and Drow in the situation where we see Issa um

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Speaker 1: knocking on Daniel's door at the end um because I

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Speaker 1: feel like that could go like a lot of different ways,

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Speaker 1: but definitely we can have some of those conversations on

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Speaker 1: social media or in the Facebook group if you're interested.

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Speaker 1: So please remember that if you are looking for a

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Speaker 1: therapist in your neck of the woods, then you can

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Speaker 1: um look at our therapist directory. You can find that

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Speaker 1: at Therapy for Black Girls dot com backslash directory. And

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Speaker 1: if you are a therapist and you would like to

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Speaker 1: share your information with the hundreds of black women who

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Speaker 1: are looking for a quality therapist in their area, please

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Speaker 1: make sure to check out Therapy for Black Girls dot

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00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:07,760
Speaker 1: com backslash being listed again. All of this information will

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Speaker 1: be included in the show notes. So I'm absolutely looking

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Speaker 1: forward to hearing your thoughts and looking forward to continue

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Speaker 1: this conversation with you all real soon. Take good care,

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Speaker 1: actor actor actor Patter