Speaker 1: And when someone says you are too much, what they're
Speaker 1: really saying is you're too much for me. I don't
Speaker 1: have the capacity, the willingness, or the tools to meet
Speaker 1: you where you are. Welcome to a Really Good Cry podcast.
Speaker 1: A Really Good Cry is here to help you understand
Speaker 1: your body, feel confident in your skin, manage your emotions,
Speaker 1: and take back control of your health. Because growth doesn't
Speaker 1: always start with answers. Sometimes it starts with a really
Speaker 1: good cry. Hey everyone, welcome back to this week's episode
Speaker 1: of A Really Good Cry. I was talking to my
Speaker 1: friend this weekend. Our conversation definitely sparked the topic of
Speaker 1: this week's episode. She was speaking to me about her
Speaker 1: dating life and about her work, and she was talking
Speaker 1: about how the more she worked on herself, and she's
Speaker 1: worked on herself a lot, she's doing amazing. The more
Speaker 1: that she's worked on herself, the more that she has
Speaker 1: understood herself, the more she sees her value, the higher
Speaker 1: standards have become. And it's actually the first time in
Speaker 1: her life where she would actually rather be alone then
Speaker 1: talking to guys who she knows are just not right
Speaker 1: for her. But also pushing back in areas like her
Speaker 1: work and areas that she wouldn't normally because she understands
Speaker 1: that she actually deserves a lot more, but she was
Speaker 1: talking about the downside where it's actually made the poor
Speaker 1: lot smaller and often men again a little bit scared
Speaker 1: of her standards, or she'll end up being called too
Speaker 1: picky or feeling like she's coming across stuck up because
Speaker 1: she knows exactly what she was and sometimes that can
Speaker 1: be a little bit difficult for people to receive. And
Speaker 1: it got me thinking, and it got us into conversation
Speaker 1: about this idea of high standards for women, whether it's
Speaker 1: in dating or work or friendship. And I wanted this
Speaker 1: episode to be the little pep talk that I was
Speaker 1: able to give her, but I wanted to give it
Speaker 1: to you in case you need to hear it, because
Speaker 1: it's really easy to minimize yourself to think that you're
Speaker 1: asking for too much, and I'm going to remind you
Speaker 1: of why that is. And if you've been doubting them lately,
Speaker 1: then this episode is going to be your own constant
Speaker 1: reminder to keep your standards exactly where they are. For
Speaker 1: a long long time in my life, I thought that
Speaker 1: being agreeable was such a great personality trait. I thought
Speaker 1: being easy to be around their maintenance, flexible and not
Speaker 1: asking for too much. I thought that was the goal.
Speaker 1: And I used to think that being easy was a compliment,
Speaker 1: like if someone says she is so chill, you never
Speaker 1: make this complicated. You are just so easy to be around,
Speaker 1: You're such a low maintenance person. I really took that
Speaker 1: as proof as I was doing relationships or friendships right
Speaker 1: I was the low maintenance friend, the person who just
Speaker 1: doesn't asked for too much, And honestly, I was low
Speaker 1: key really proud of it. I thought that's what made
Speaker 1: me really lovable, and that my ability to not need things,
Speaker 1: to not be a lot, to not make waves, that
Speaker 1: was actually my value. But I've come to realize just
Speaker 1: how untrue that actually is, and that having standards and
Speaker 1: high expectations actually means that you have worked on yourself
Speaker 1: enough to know exactly what makes you happy and exactly
Speaker 1: what will make you thrive and exactly what you deserve.
Speaker 1: And the thing is, the more that you know about yourself,
Speaker 1: and the more that you understand yourself better, and the
Speaker 1: more that you work in yourself, the higher standards may
Speaker 1: seem to other people, and the more that I valued
Speaker 1: my own values, the stronger my standards became in every
Speaker 1: single part of my life. And I don't think having
Speaker 1: standards means that you think you're better than anyone. It
Speaker 1: means that you have spent enough time with yourself to
Speaker 1: know what actually allows you to thrive in your life.
Speaker 1: And for me, you know, I remember when I was
Speaker 1: at university and I had specific values that I did
Speaker 1: not want to compromise on. One of those was I
Speaker 1: really didn't want to drink alcohol. Another one was I
Speaker 1: didn't really want to participate in any kind of recreational
Speaker 1: use of drugs. And it was something that I struggled
Speaker 1: with a lot because everyone around me was doing it.
Speaker 1: Everyone was trying to convince me to do it. But
Speaker 1: it was a value that was really deep for me,
Speaker 1: and I had to keep reminding myself of it, and
Speaker 1: I had to keep understanding why I had those values,
Speaker 1: what they were for, the reason behind them, the deeper
Speaker 1: intention not doing those things, And to be honest, I've
Speaker 1: got to this age and I still haven't caved on them.
Speaker 1: And every single year that's gone by, the more I
Speaker 1: refined that intention and understand why, the happier I am
Speaker 1: that I stood by them, and to be honest, it
Speaker 1: actually limited a lot in my life if I think
Speaker 1: about it. When I was growing up, people felt like
Speaker 1: they could have less fun with me when we were
Speaker 1: going out. If I dated someone it would be a
Speaker 1: difficult if that was something that they really enjoyed, like
Speaker 1: going out and having a drink with their meals. It
Speaker 1: definitely created limitations, but there were limitations that I was
Speaker 1: honestly happy with. There were limitations that allowed me to
Speaker 1: stick within my values and realized that this person was
Speaker 1: or wasn't for me. And so the more I understood
Speaker 1: my values, the clearer my standards become. And that doesn't
Speaker 1: mean they became higher, they just became clearer. And slowly
Speaker 1: that understanding started to outweigh this fear that I had,
Speaker 1: the fear that having standards made me difficult, the fear
Speaker 1: that having standards made me less likable. Another standard or
Speaker 1: another value that I realized was very very meaningful to me,
Speaker 1: or that I wanted to focus on more Over the
Speaker 1: last couple of years has been my veganism. I feel
Speaker 1: so strongly about animals and I feel so strongly about
Speaker 1: not eating them that I made a decision a good
Speaker 1: few years ago that I wasn't going to eat at
Speaker 1: restaurants that serve meat, And honestly, it's really difficult. It's
Speaker 1: difficult because of socializing with friends. It's difficult because when
Speaker 1: I travel, it means sometimes I can only e a
Speaker 1: one restaurant, and again, it creates a smaller pool of
Speaker 1: things I can do or people that I can maybe
Speaker 1: go out and connect with. I'll still go to the restaurants,
Speaker 1: I just won't eat. I will invite people over to
Speaker 1: eat instead of going out and about. I don't expect
Speaker 1: other people to do the same thing as me, but
Speaker 1: I do need people around me who allow for me
Speaker 1: to maintain those values, who understand them and accept them.
Speaker 1: And so my fear of people thinking I was weird
Speaker 1: or not being able to participate when we're sitting at
Speaker 1: a big table, then I'm not eating and I'm just
Speaker 1: drinking at tea. I had to overcome all those fears.
Speaker 1: But by doing that, it allowed me to feel so
Speaker 1: much happier leaving those places. Never once did I feel
Speaker 1: coming away from it that oh, I wish I'd just
Speaker 1: eaten the meal. I was like, no, I'm so happy
Speaker 1: that I stuck to my values, and I think my
Speaker 1: desire to stick to those values overtook the fear or
Speaker 1: the worry that I had about how people were going
Speaker 1: to perceive me, And navigating life through those values has
Speaker 1: made it so much easier. It's made it so much
Speaker 1: easier to make decisions, to make choices in my life,
Speaker 1: and it's made it a lot clearer for me. And
Speaker 1: so having these standards didn't mean that I thought I
Speaker 1: was better than anyone or that they should do it.
Speaker 1: It just meant that I'd spend enough time with myself
Speaker 1: to know exactly what makes a difference in my life
Speaker 1: and what I feel happy about myself with, and I
Speaker 1: think that's really important. And so wanting more for yourself
Speaker 1: does not make you high maintenance. Holding a boundary does
Speaker 1: not mean that you're not soft, or not feminine or
Speaker 1: not lovable. And honestly, in my experience, clarity can feel
Speaker 1: threatening to people who often benefit from your confusion. And
Speaker 1: let's be honest, when a word knows what she wants
Speaker 1: and needs, it really does disrupt dynamics in friendships. It
Speaker 1: means you don't keep accepting one sided effort. In work,
Speaker 1: it might mean that you don't normalize being underpaid, or
Speaker 1: spoken to disrespectfully, even when you're the one that might
Speaker 1: be in charge. I've been there, done that too. In family,
Speaker 1: it might mean that you stop swallowing the truth just
Speaker 1: to keep peace. You tolerate dismissive comments from a parent
Speaker 1: or a sibling because that's just how they are, or
Speaker 1: you swallow your needs that every single family gathering because
Speaker 1: keeping the peace feels safe for them being honest. And
Speaker 1: then there's the relationship that underpins all of these other ones,
Speaker 1: and that's the one that you have with yourself. If
Speaker 1: you lower your standards for your own habits, what you eat,
Speaker 1: how you rest, what you tolerate in your own inner dialogue,
Speaker 1: you say it is fine when your body is telling
Speaker 1: you it's not. You push through exhaustion and you skip
Speaker 1: a meal, You ignore the ache that your body is
Speaker 1: feeling because somewhere along the way you decided that your
Speaker 1: needs don't really count. And if it's present in one area,
Speaker 1: it trickles into the rest of your life too. And
Speaker 1: this is something that was a big game changer for
Speaker 1: me when I realize that if I'm not willing to
Speaker 1: hold a standard for myself, it becomes almost impossible for
Speaker 1: you to hold it with anyone else and for anyone
Speaker 1: else to also hold it with you. And I think
Speaker 1: the confusion comes when most people connect having high standards
Speaker 1: with ego, and I do think that there's something to that,
Speaker 1: but I don't think that's always the case. And I'm
Speaker 1: not saying that all standards are healthy. I'm not saying
Speaker 1: that every expectation you have is valid. Some standards do
Speaker 1: come from ego and some do come from values, and
Speaker 1: the difference really matters. Ego standards are about image. They're
Speaker 1: about what looks good, what impresses people, what protects your identity.
Speaker 1: And ego standards can sound like I only date people
Speaker 1: who have a certain job title, or I need my
Speaker 1: partner to post about me so people know that I'm
Speaker 1: the chosen one, or I can't be with someone who
Speaker 1: doesn't fit my aesthetic, or a common one is I
Speaker 1: need a guy who's six foot tall. These are not
Speaker 1: about connection. They end up being about performance. They're about
Speaker 1: proving something to yourself or to other people. And often
Speaker 1: these ego standards are come covering up some sort of
Speaker 1: wound or insecurity, a feeling of not being enough for
Speaker 1: need for external validation to feel worthy. But value standards
Speaker 1: are different. Value standards come from your actual needs, your
Speaker 1: nervous system, your integrity, what genuinely allows you to feel safe, respected,
Speaker 1: and seen. Value standards sound like I need consistent communication
Speaker 1: to feel secure. I need someone who is honest even
Speaker 1: when it's uncomfortable. I need my time and energy to
Speaker 1: be respected. I need a partner who is also motivated
Speaker 1: and what they want in life. I need someone who
Speaker 1: also wants financial stability. I need a partner tis responsibility
Speaker 1: for their own healing. These are not about ego. They
Speaker 1: are about alignment in your life. So there are three
Speaker 1: filters I think that you need for your standards to
Speaker 1: know whether they're coming from value or from ego. The
Speaker 1: first one is your nervous system test. Does this standard
Speaker 1: make me feel calmer, feel safer long term? Or does
Speaker 1: it just make me look impressive? The second one is
Speaker 1: the privacy test. If no one will ever know about
Speaker 1: this standard, would it still matter to me? And the
Speaker 1: third one is the integrity test. Am I living up
Speaker 1: to this standard myself? Your standards are not just about
Speaker 1: being picky. Your standards are a reflection of how you
Speaker 1: value yourself, and so if you're expecting it from someone else,
Speaker 1: you need to be living it too. And so those
Speaker 1: are the three things that you can kind of work
Speaker 1: through in your mind. Whenever you're setting a standard, work
Speaker 1: through these three questions and see what your answers are,
Speaker 1: and it going to be a really good indication of
Speaker 1: whether you are choosing a standard based on value or
Speaker 1: whether you're choosing a standard based on ego. I want
Speaker 1: to talk about this phrase though, this phrase of being
Speaker 1: too much. You're too emotional, you're too sensitive, you're too intense,
Speaker 1: you're asking for too much, You're making things a bigger
Speaker 1: deal than it needs to be. Too much is not
Speaker 1: an objective measurement. It's a sign of incompatibility. And when
Speaker 1: someone says you are too much, what they're really saying
Speaker 1: is you're too much for me. I don't have the capacity,
Speaker 1: the willingness, or the tools to meet you where you are.
Speaker 1: And that's absolutely fine, because the goal is not to
Speaker 1: shrink until you fit into their space. The goal is
Speaker 1: to actually find people, relationships, and environments where your fullness,
Speaker 1: your wholeness, is welcomed. And knowing what you need to
Speaker 1: thrive is one of the most useful things that you
Speaker 1: can have in your life. Because it saves you time,
Speaker 1: it saves you energy, it saves you from years of
Speaker 1: being in the wrong room with the wrong people and
Speaker 1: wondering why nothing feels right. And the fact is, for
Speaker 1: a lot of people, just the simplicity of knowing yourself
Speaker 1: or having confidence can be difficult for people to experience
Speaker 1: if they lack it in themselves. Confidence can look like
Speaker 1: arrogance to people who haven't built it. Boundaries can sometimes
Speaker 1: look like coldness to people who have had a lot
Speaker 1: of access to you. Having clarity can often look like
Speaker 1: intimidation to people who are unclear about themselves. So, yes,
Speaker 1: standards will shrink your poor they will narrate the rooms
Speaker 1: that you can be in, they might disqualify people in
Speaker 1: your life, but they will also protect your peace. And
Speaker 1: so the option ends up being you can have wide
Speaker 1: access and low standards, or you can have selective access
Speaker 1: and aligned standards, and both come with cost, and you
Speaker 1: have to decide which one is the cost that you
Speaker 1: want to be spending. And so a lot of the
Speaker 1: times when our standards have become higher for the right reasons,
Speaker 1: it's because you're just healing. Maybe you stop negotiating with
Speaker 1: your own worth and you just have to remember that
Speaker 1: the right people will not be intimidated by your standards.
Speaker 1: They will be attracted by this incredible clarity that you
Speaker 1: have about what you want in life. And whenever I'm
Speaker 1: doubting things in life, whenever I'm doubting my standards, whenever
Speaker 1: I'm thinking I'm asking for too much, I love hearing
Speaker 1: stories about people, people's success, stories about hope, and these
Speaker 1: beautiful reminders of what is possible. So I'm going to
Speaker 1: share some of them with you in case you need
Speaker 1: to hear it right now. The first person I obviously
Speaker 1: have to talk about is Oprah. Oprah grew up in
Speaker 1: a lot of poverty in Mississippi. She was raised by
Speaker 1: her grandmother on a farm, and she was a black
Speaker 1: woman entering into an industry dominated by white men. She
Speaker 1: took over a really failing morning show in Chicago in
Speaker 1: nineteen eighty four, and honestly, I don't think many people
Speaker 1: are expected much at all, but within a month she'd
Speaker 1: taken it from last place to first in ratings. Within
Speaker 1: two years, it was the highest ranking talk show in America.
Speaker 1: And this is the path that I love. In the
Speaker 1: late eighties and early nineties, when every talk show was
Speaker 1: trying to be trashy and create like sensational content. Oprah
Speaker 1: absolutely refused to do that. She made a deliberate decision
Speaker 1: to shift her show towards self improvement and education and
Speaker 1: having honest conversation, which people thought was going to be
Speaker 1: so boring, but it says. She built a media empire.
Speaker 1: She became the first black woman to own her production company,
Speaker 1: She launched a magazine, a book club, a cable network,
Speaker 1: and she did all of it by not being agreeable,
Speaker 1: but by being uncompromising about the standards that she had
Speaker 1: about what she wanted to put out into the world.
Speaker 1: Another phenomenal story is Serena Williams. She was trained on
Speaker 1: public courts by her dad in Compton, and she was
Speaker 1: one of the few black women in sport that was
Speaker 1: almost entirely dominated by white women. As she was told
Speaker 1: her whole career that she was too powerful, to emotional,
Speaker 1: too loud, too much, too much of everything she had
Speaker 1: been policed about. She was wearing on court. She'd been
Speaker 1: penalized for showing the same emotion that a lot of
Speaker 1: male players show and every single match, but she didn't compromise.
Speaker 1: She did not build her legacy by being palatable. She
Speaker 1: built it by being undeniable in what she wanted and
Speaker 1: by refusing to edit herself for anybody else's comfort. And
Speaker 1: that's what standards look like at the highest level. Someone
Speaker 1: else that I actually really admire is Indra Nuyi. She
Speaker 1: is the former CEO of Pepsi COO. And she was
Speaker 1: born in a little village in Chennai, and she wore
Speaker 1: a sarry to her job interview at Boston Consulting Group
Speaker 1: and she got the job. She didn't compromise on her culture,
Speaker 1: on her values, on her traditions in an environment that
Speaker 1: the odds were against her walking into that room wearing that,
Speaker 1: but she chose to anyway. And so I really hope
Speaker 1: that this episode serves as a really great reminder to
Speaker 1: you that if you have certain standards, and you have
Speaker 1: them based on true values that you deeply, deeply care about,
Speaker 1: don't compromise on that. It will make you so much
Speaker 1: sadder in your life, and it will create so much
Speaker 1: much duality in yourself if you go against the values
Speaker 1: that you feel are so strong for you, and to
Speaker 1: compromise on those bit by bit over and over again,
Speaker 1: it really chips away at your own love for yourself
Speaker 1: and your own worth for yourself. Do not compromise on
Speaker 1: any of that, because your high standards are just a
Speaker 1: beautiful reminder that you have worked so hard to understand
Speaker 1: who you are and what it is that you want,
Speaker 1: and you don't have to compromise that for anyone. Sending
Speaker 1: you all so much love and I hope you will
Speaker 1: have such a beautiful, wonderful week filled with finding people
Speaker 1: that appreciate and value your values and your standards.