WEBVTT - The Pep Talk You Need To Remember You're That B 

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<v Speaker 1>And when someone says you are too much, what they're

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<v Speaker 1>really saying is you're too much for me. I don't

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<v Speaker 1>have the capacity, the willingness, or the tools to meet

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<v Speaker 1>you where you are. Welcome to a Really Good Cry podcast.

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<v Speaker 1>A Really Good Cry is here to help you understand

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<v Speaker 1>your body, feel confident in your skin, manage your emotions,

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<v Speaker 1>and take back control of your health. Because growth doesn't

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<v Speaker 1>always start with answers. Sometimes it starts with a really

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<v Speaker 1>good cry. Hey everyone, welcome back to this week's episode

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<v Speaker 1>of A Really Good Cry. I was talking to my

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<v Speaker 1>friend this weekend. Our conversation definitely sparked the topic of

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<v Speaker 1>this week's episode. She was speaking to me about her

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<v Speaker 1>dating life and about her work, and she was talking

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<v Speaker 1>about how the more she worked on herself, and she's

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<v Speaker 1>worked on herself a lot, she's doing amazing. The more

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<v Speaker 1>that she's worked on herself, the more that she has

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<v Speaker 1>understood herself, the more she sees her value, the higher

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<v Speaker 1>standards have become. And it's actually the first time in

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<v Speaker 1>her life where she would actually rather be alone then

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<v Speaker 1>talking to guys who she knows are just not right

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<v Speaker 1>for her. But also pushing back in areas like her

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<v Speaker 1>work and areas that she wouldn't normally because she understands

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<v Speaker 1>that she actually deserves a lot more, but she was

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<v Speaker 1>talking about the downside where it's actually made the poor

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<v Speaker 1>lot smaller and often men again a little bit scared

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<v Speaker 1>of her standards, or she'll end up being called too

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<v Speaker 1>picky or feeling like she's coming across stuck up because

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<v Speaker 1>she knows exactly what she was and sometimes that can

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<v Speaker 1>be a little bit difficult for people to receive. And

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<v Speaker 1>it got me thinking, and it got us into conversation

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<v Speaker 1>about this idea of high standards for women, whether it's

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<v Speaker 1>in dating or work or friendship. And I wanted this

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<v Speaker 1>episode to be the little pep talk that I was

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<v Speaker 1>able to give her, but I wanted to give it

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<v Speaker 1>to you in case you need to hear it, because

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<v Speaker 1>it's really easy to minimize yourself to think that you're

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<v Speaker 1>asking for too much, and I'm going to remind you

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<v Speaker 1>of why that is. And if you've been doubting them lately,

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<v Speaker 1>then this episode is going to be your own constant

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<v Speaker 1>reminder to keep your standards exactly where they are. For

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<v Speaker 1>a long long time in my life, I thought that

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<v Speaker 1>being agreeable was such a great personality trait. I thought

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<v Speaker 1>being easy to be around their maintenance, flexible and not

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<v Speaker 1>asking for too much. I thought that was the goal.

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<v Speaker 1>And I used to think that being easy was a compliment,

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<v Speaker 1>like if someone says she is so chill, you never

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<v Speaker 1>make this complicated. You are just so easy to be around,

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<v Speaker 1>You're such a low maintenance person. I really took that

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<v Speaker 1>as proof as I was doing relationships or friendships right

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<v Speaker 1>I was the low maintenance friend, the person who just

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<v Speaker 1>doesn't asked for too much, And honestly, I was low

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<v Speaker 1>key really proud of it. I thought that's what made

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<v Speaker 1>me really lovable, and that my ability to not need things,

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<v Speaker 1>to not be a lot, to not make waves, that

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<v Speaker 1>was actually my value. But I've come to realize just

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<v Speaker 1>how untrue that actually is, and that having standards and

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<v Speaker 1>high expectations actually means that you have worked on yourself

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<v Speaker 1>enough to know exactly what makes you happy and exactly

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<v Speaker 1>what will make you thrive and exactly what you deserve.

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<v Speaker 1>And the thing is, the more that you know about yourself,

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<v Speaker 1>and the more that you understand yourself better, and the

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<v Speaker 1>more that you work in yourself, the higher standards may

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<v Speaker 1>seem to other people, and the more that I valued

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<v Speaker 1>my own values, the stronger my standards became in every

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<v Speaker 1>single part of my life. And I don't think having

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<v Speaker 1>standards means that you think you're better than anyone. It

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<v Speaker 1>means that you have spent enough time with yourself to

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<v Speaker 1>know what actually allows you to thrive in your life.

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<v Speaker 1>And for me, you know, I remember when I was

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<v Speaker 1>at university and I had specific values that I did

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<v Speaker 1>not want to compromise on. One of those was I

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<v Speaker 1>really didn't want to drink alcohol. Another one was I

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<v Speaker 1>didn't really want to participate in any kind of recreational

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<v Speaker 1>use of drugs. And it was something that I struggled

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<v Speaker 1>with a lot because everyone around me was doing it.

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<v Speaker 1>Everyone was trying to convince me to do it. But

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<v Speaker 1>it was a value that was really deep for me,

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<v Speaker 1>and I had to keep reminding myself of it, and

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<v Speaker 1>I had to keep understanding why I had those values,

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<v Speaker 1>what they were for, the reason behind them, the deeper

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<v Speaker 1>intention not doing those things, And to be honest, I've

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<v Speaker 1>got to this age and I still haven't caved on them.

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<v Speaker 1>And every single year that's gone by, the more I

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<v Speaker 1>refined that intention and understand why, the happier I am

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<v Speaker 1>that I stood by them, and to be honest, it

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<v Speaker 1>actually limited a lot in my life if I think

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<v Speaker 1>about it. When I was growing up, people felt like

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<v Speaker 1>they could have less fun with me when we were

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<v Speaker 1>going out. If I dated someone it would be a

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<v Speaker 1>difficult if that was something that they really enjoyed, like

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<v Speaker 1>going out and having a drink with their meals. It

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<v Speaker 1>definitely created limitations, but there were limitations that I was

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<v Speaker 1>honestly happy with. There were limitations that allowed me to

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<v Speaker 1>stick within my values and realized that this person was

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<v Speaker 1>or wasn't for me. And so the more I understood

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<v Speaker 1>my values, the clearer my standards become. And that doesn't

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<v Speaker 1>mean they became higher, they just became clearer. And slowly

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<v Speaker 1>that understanding started to outweigh this fear that I had,

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<v Speaker 1>the fear that having standards made me difficult, the fear

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<v Speaker 1>that having standards made me less likable. Another standard or

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<v Speaker 1>another value that I realized was very very meaningful to me,

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<v Speaker 1>or that I wanted to focus on more Over the

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<v Speaker 1>last couple of years has been my veganism. I feel

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<v Speaker 1>so strongly about animals and I feel so strongly about

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<v Speaker 1>not eating them that I made a decision a good

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<v Speaker 1>few years ago that I wasn't going to eat at

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<v Speaker 1>restaurants that serve meat, And honestly, it's really difficult. It's

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<v Speaker 1>difficult because of socializing with friends. It's difficult because when

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<v Speaker 1>I travel, it means sometimes I can only e a

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<v Speaker 1>one restaurant, and again, it creates a smaller pool of

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<v Speaker 1>things I can do or people that I can maybe

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<v Speaker 1>go out and connect with. I'll still go to the restaurants,

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<v Speaker 1>I just won't eat. I will invite people over to

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<v Speaker 1>eat instead of going out and about. I don't expect

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<v Speaker 1>other people to do the same thing as me, but

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<v Speaker 1>I do need people around me who allow for me

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<v Speaker 1>to maintain those values, who understand them and accept them.

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<v Speaker 1>And so my fear of people thinking I was weird

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<v Speaker 1>or not being able to participate when we're sitting at

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<v Speaker 1>a big table, then I'm not eating and I'm just

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<v Speaker 1>drinking at tea. I had to overcome all those fears.

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<v Speaker 1>But by doing that, it allowed me to feel so

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<v Speaker 1>much happier leaving those places. Never once did I feel

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<v Speaker 1>coming away from it that oh, I wish I'd just

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<v Speaker 1>eaten the meal. I was like, no, I'm so happy

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<v Speaker 1>that I stuck to my values, and I think my

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<v Speaker 1>desire to stick to those values overtook the fear or

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<v Speaker 1>the worry that I had about how people were going

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<v Speaker 1>to perceive me, And navigating life through those values has

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<v Speaker 1>made it so much easier. It's made it so much

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<v Speaker 1>easier to make decisions, to make choices in my life,

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<v Speaker 1>and it's made it a lot clearer for me. And

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<v Speaker 1>so having these standards didn't mean that I thought I

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<v Speaker 1>was better than anyone or that they should do it.

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<v Speaker 1>It just meant that I'd spend enough time with myself

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<v Speaker 1>to know exactly what makes a difference in my life

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<v Speaker 1>and what I feel happy about myself with, and I

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<v Speaker 1>think that's really important. And so wanting more for yourself

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<v Speaker 1>does not make you high maintenance. Holding a boundary does

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<v Speaker 1>not mean that you're not soft, or not feminine or

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<v Speaker 1>not lovable. And honestly, in my experience, clarity can feel

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<v Speaker 1>threatening to people who often benefit from your confusion. And

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<v Speaker 1>let's be honest, when a word knows what she wants

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<v Speaker 1>and needs, it really does disrupt dynamics in friendships. It

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<v Speaker 1>means you don't keep accepting one sided effort. In work,

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<v Speaker 1>it might mean that you don't normalize being underpaid, or

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<v Speaker 1>spoken to disrespectfully, even when you're the one that might

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<v Speaker 1>be in charge. I've been there, done that too. In family,

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<v Speaker 1>it might mean that you stop swallowing the truth just

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<v Speaker 1>to keep peace. You tolerate dismissive comments from a parent

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<v Speaker 1>or a sibling because that's just how they are, or

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<v Speaker 1>you swallow your needs that every single family gathering because

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<v Speaker 1>keeping the peace feels safe for them being honest. And

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<v Speaker 1>then there's the relationship that underpins all of these other ones,

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<v Speaker 1>and that's the one that you have with yourself. If

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<v Speaker 1>you lower your standards for your own habits, what you eat,

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<v Speaker 1>how you rest, what you tolerate in your own inner dialogue,

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<v Speaker 1>you say it is fine when your body is telling

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<v Speaker 1>you it's not. You push through exhaustion and you skip

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<v Speaker 1>a meal, You ignore the ache that your body is

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<v Speaker 1>feeling because somewhere along the way you decided that your

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<v Speaker 1>needs don't really count. And if it's present in one area,

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<v Speaker 1>it trickles into the rest of your life too. And

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<v Speaker 1>this is something that was a big game changer for

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<v Speaker 1>me when I realize that if I'm not willing to

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<v Speaker 1>hold a standard for myself, it becomes almost impossible for

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<v Speaker 1>you to hold it with anyone else and for anyone

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<v Speaker 1>else to also hold it with you. And I think

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<v Speaker 1>the confusion comes when most people connect having high standards

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<v Speaker 1>with ego, and I do think that there's something to that,

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<v Speaker 1>but I don't think that's always the case. And I'm

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<v Speaker 1>not saying that all standards are healthy. I'm not saying

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<v Speaker 1>that every expectation you have is valid. Some standards do

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<v Speaker 1>come from ego and some do come from values, and

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<v Speaker 1>the difference really matters. Ego standards are about image. They're

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<v Speaker 1>about what looks good, what impresses people, what protects your identity.

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<v Speaker 1>And ego standards can sound like I only date people

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<v Speaker 1>who have a certain job title, or I need my

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<v Speaker 1>partner to post about me so people know that I'm

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<v Speaker 1>the chosen one, or I can't be with someone who

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<v Speaker 1>doesn't fit my aesthetic, or a common one is I

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<v Speaker 1>need a guy who's six foot tall. These are not

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<v Speaker 1>about connection. They end up being about performance. They're about

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<v Speaker 1>proving something to yourself or to other people. And often

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<v Speaker 1>these ego standards are come covering up some sort of

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<v Speaker 1>wound or insecurity, a feeling of not being enough for

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<v Speaker 1>need for external validation to feel worthy. But value standards

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<v Speaker 1>are different. Value standards come from your actual needs, your

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<v Speaker 1>nervous system, your integrity, what genuinely allows you to feel safe, respected,

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<v Speaker 1>and seen. Value standards sound like I need consistent communication

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<v Speaker 1>to feel secure. I need someone who is honest even

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<v Speaker 1>when it's uncomfortable. I need my time and energy to

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<v Speaker 1>be respected. I need a partner who is also motivated

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<v Speaker 1>and what they want in life. I need someone who

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<v Speaker 1>also wants financial stability. I need a partner tis responsibility

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<v Speaker 1>for their own healing. These are not about ego. They

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<v Speaker 1>are about alignment in your life. So there are three

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<v Speaker 1>filters I think that you need for your standards to

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<v Speaker 1>know whether they're coming from value or from ego. The

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<v Speaker 1>first one is your nervous system test. Does this standard

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<v Speaker 1>make me feel calmer, feel safer long term? Or does

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<v Speaker 1>it just make me look impressive? The second one is

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<v Speaker 1>the privacy test. If no one will ever know about

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<v Speaker 1>this standard, would it still matter to me? And the

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<v Speaker 1>third one is the integrity test. Am I living up

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<v Speaker 1>to this standard myself? Your standards are not just about

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<v Speaker 1>being picky. Your standards are a reflection of how you

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<v Speaker 1>value yourself, and so if you're expecting it from someone else,

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<v Speaker 1>you need to be living it too. And so those

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<v Speaker 1>are the three things that you can kind of work

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<v Speaker 1>through in your mind. Whenever you're setting a standard, work

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<v Speaker 1>through these three questions and see what your answers are,

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<v Speaker 1>and it going to be a really good indication of

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<v Speaker 1>whether you are choosing a standard based on value or

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<v Speaker 1>whether you're choosing a standard based on ego. I want

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<v Speaker 1>to talk about this phrase though, this phrase of being

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<v Speaker 1>too much. You're too emotional, you're too sensitive, you're too intense,

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<v Speaker 1>you're asking for too much, You're making things a bigger

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<v Speaker 1>deal than it needs to be. Too much is not

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<v Speaker 1>an objective measurement. It's a sign of incompatibility. And when

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<v Speaker 1>someone says you are too much, what they're really saying

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<v Speaker 1>is you're too much for me. I don't have the capacity,

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<v Speaker 1>the willingness, or the tools to meet you where you are.

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<v Speaker 1>And that's absolutely fine, because the goal is not to

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<v Speaker 1>shrink until you fit into their space. The goal is

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<v Speaker 1>to actually find people, relationships, and environments where your fullness,

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<v Speaker 1>your wholeness, is welcomed. And knowing what you need to

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<v Speaker 1>thrive is one of the most useful things that you

0:11:12.720 --> 0:11:14.360
<v Speaker 1>can have in your life. Because it saves you time,

0:11:14.400 --> 0:11:16.800
<v Speaker 1>it saves you energy, it saves you from years of

0:11:16.840 --> 0:11:18.800
<v Speaker 1>being in the wrong room with the wrong people and

0:11:18.840 --> 0:11:21.959
<v Speaker 1>wondering why nothing feels right. And the fact is, for

0:11:22.000 --> 0:11:24.960
<v Speaker 1>a lot of people, just the simplicity of knowing yourself

0:11:25.040 --> 0:11:27.880
<v Speaker 1>or having confidence can be difficult for people to experience

0:11:27.880 --> 0:11:30.720
<v Speaker 1>if they lack it in themselves. Confidence can look like

0:11:30.800 --> 0:11:33.720
<v Speaker 1>arrogance to people who haven't built it. Boundaries can sometimes

0:11:33.760 --> 0:11:36.280
<v Speaker 1>look like coldness to people who have had a lot

0:11:36.320 --> 0:11:39.200
<v Speaker 1>of access to you. Having clarity can often look like

0:11:39.240 --> 0:11:42.839
<v Speaker 1>intimidation to people who are unclear about themselves. So, yes,

0:11:43.080 --> 0:11:45.880
<v Speaker 1>standards will shrink your poor they will narrate the rooms

0:11:45.920 --> 0:11:48.360
<v Speaker 1>that you can be in, they might disqualify people in

0:11:48.400 --> 0:11:51.440
<v Speaker 1>your life, but they will also protect your peace. And

0:11:51.520 --> 0:11:54.320
<v Speaker 1>so the option ends up being you can have wide

0:11:54.360 --> 0:11:57.400
<v Speaker 1>access and low standards, or you can have selective access

0:11:57.480 --> 0:12:00.920
<v Speaker 1>and aligned standards, and both come with cost, and you

0:12:00.960 --> 0:12:03.080
<v Speaker 1>have to decide which one is the cost that you

0:12:03.200 --> 0:12:04.920
<v Speaker 1>want to be spending. And so a lot of the

0:12:04.960 --> 0:12:07.440
<v Speaker 1>times when our standards have become higher for the right reasons,

0:12:07.480 --> 0:12:10.320
<v Speaker 1>it's because you're just healing. Maybe you stop negotiating with

0:12:10.360 --> 0:12:12.680
<v Speaker 1>your own worth and you just have to remember that

0:12:12.760 --> 0:12:15.320
<v Speaker 1>the right people will not be intimidated by your standards.

0:12:15.640 --> 0:12:18.280
<v Speaker 1>They will be attracted by this incredible clarity that you

0:12:18.320 --> 0:12:20.720
<v Speaker 1>have about what you want in life. And whenever I'm

0:12:20.760 --> 0:12:23.600
<v Speaker 1>doubting things in life, whenever I'm doubting my standards, whenever

0:12:23.679 --> 0:12:26.959
<v Speaker 1>I'm thinking I'm asking for too much, I love hearing

0:12:27.000 --> 0:12:30.480
<v Speaker 1>stories about people, people's success, stories about hope, and these

0:12:30.520 --> 0:12:33.040
<v Speaker 1>beautiful reminders of what is possible. So I'm going to

0:12:33.080 --> 0:12:34.719
<v Speaker 1>share some of them with you in case you need

0:12:34.760 --> 0:12:37.320
<v Speaker 1>to hear it right now. The first person I obviously

0:12:37.360 --> 0:12:40.200
<v Speaker 1>have to talk about is Oprah. Oprah grew up in

0:12:40.559 --> 0:12:42.840
<v Speaker 1>a lot of poverty in Mississippi. She was raised by

0:12:42.880 --> 0:12:45.520
<v Speaker 1>her grandmother on a farm, and she was a black

0:12:45.559 --> 0:12:49.480
<v Speaker 1>woman entering into an industry dominated by white men. She

0:12:49.600 --> 0:12:52.640
<v Speaker 1>took over a really failing morning show in Chicago in

0:12:52.720 --> 0:12:55.400
<v Speaker 1>nineteen eighty four, and honestly, I don't think many people

0:12:55.400 --> 0:12:57.839
<v Speaker 1>are expected much at all, but within a month she'd

0:12:57.880 --> 0:13:00.559
<v Speaker 1>taken it from last place to first in ratings. Within

0:13:00.760 --> 0:13:04.199
<v Speaker 1>two years, it was the highest ranking talk show in America.

0:13:04.840 --> 0:13:06.840
<v Speaker 1>And this is the path that I love. In the

0:13:06.920 --> 0:13:09.720
<v Speaker 1>late eighties and early nineties, when every talk show was

0:13:09.720 --> 0:13:13.240
<v Speaker 1>trying to be trashy and create like sensational content. Oprah

0:13:13.280 --> 0:13:16.559
<v Speaker 1>absolutely refused to do that. She made a deliberate decision

0:13:16.600 --> 0:13:19.240
<v Speaker 1>to shift her show towards self improvement and education and

0:13:19.280 --> 0:13:22.199
<v Speaker 1>having honest conversation, which people thought was going to be

0:13:22.280 --> 0:13:25.240
<v Speaker 1>so boring, but it says. She built a media empire.

0:13:25.520 --> 0:13:28.240
<v Speaker 1>She became the first black woman to own her production company,

0:13:28.320 --> 0:13:31.120
<v Speaker 1>She launched a magazine, a book club, a cable network,

0:13:31.480 --> 0:13:33.760
<v Speaker 1>and she did all of it by not being agreeable,

0:13:33.960 --> 0:13:37.640
<v Speaker 1>but by being uncompromising about the standards that she had

0:13:37.679 --> 0:13:39.440
<v Speaker 1>about what she wanted to put out into the world.

0:13:39.720 --> 0:13:43.720
<v Speaker 1>Another phenomenal story is Serena Williams. She was trained on

0:13:43.800 --> 0:13:48.240
<v Speaker 1>public courts by her dad in Compton, and she was

0:13:48.360 --> 0:13:50.080
<v Speaker 1>one of the few black women in sport that was

0:13:50.120 --> 0:13:54.280
<v Speaker 1>almost entirely dominated by white women. As she was told

0:13:54.280 --> 0:13:56.320
<v Speaker 1>her whole career that she was too powerful, to emotional,

0:13:56.360 --> 0:13:59.120
<v Speaker 1>too loud, too much, too much of everything she had

0:13:59.120 --> 0:14:01.480
<v Speaker 1>been policed about. She was wearing on court. She'd been

0:14:01.520 --> 0:14:03.520
<v Speaker 1>penalized for showing the same emotion that a lot of

0:14:03.520 --> 0:14:06.960
<v Speaker 1>male players show and every single match, but she didn't compromise.

0:14:07.120 --> 0:14:09.560
<v Speaker 1>She did not build her legacy by being palatable. She

0:14:09.600 --> 0:14:12.440
<v Speaker 1>built it by being undeniable in what she wanted and

0:14:12.440 --> 0:14:15.920
<v Speaker 1>by refusing to edit herself for anybody else's comfort. And

0:14:15.920 --> 0:14:18.760
<v Speaker 1>that's what standards look like at the highest level. Someone

0:14:18.760 --> 0:14:22.200
<v Speaker 1>else that I actually really admire is Indra Nuyi. She

0:14:22.480 --> 0:14:25.120
<v Speaker 1>is the former CEO of Pepsi COO. And she was

0:14:25.320 --> 0:14:28.120
<v Speaker 1>born in a little village in Chennai, and she wore

0:14:28.200 --> 0:14:30.720
<v Speaker 1>a sarry to her job interview at Boston Consulting Group

0:14:31.040 --> 0:14:33.880
<v Speaker 1>and she got the job. She didn't compromise on her culture,

0:14:33.960 --> 0:14:37.400
<v Speaker 1>on her values, on her traditions in an environment that

0:14:37.680 --> 0:14:40.440
<v Speaker 1>the odds were against her walking into that room wearing that,

0:14:40.560 --> 0:14:43.920
<v Speaker 1>but she chose to anyway. And so I really hope

0:14:43.960 --> 0:14:47.240
<v Speaker 1>that this episode serves as a really great reminder to

0:14:47.280 --> 0:14:50.720
<v Speaker 1>you that if you have certain standards, and you have

0:14:50.840 --> 0:14:54.600
<v Speaker 1>them based on true values that you deeply, deeply care about,

0:14:55.120 --> 0:14:57.400
<v Speaker 1>don't compromise on that. It will make you so much

0:14:57.440 --> 0:14:59.960
<v Speaker 1>sadder in your life, and it will create so much

0:15:00.120 --> 0:15:03.120
<v Speaker 1>much duality in yourself if you go against the values

0:15:03.160 --> 0:15:05.440
<v Speaker 1>that you feel are so strong for you, and to

0:15:05.480 --> 0:15:08.640
<v Speaker 1>compromise on those bit by bit over and over again,

0:15:08.720 --> 0:15:11.560
<v Speaker 1>it really chips away at your own love for yourself

0:15:11.640 --> 0:15:14.800
<v Speaker 1>and your own worth for yourself. Do not compromise on

0:15:14.960 --> 0:15:18.240
<v Speaker 1>any of that, because your high standards are just a

0:15:18.280 --> 0:15:22.880
<v Speaker 1>beautiful reminder that you have worked so hard to understand

0:15:22.960 --> 0:15:24.600
<v Speaker 1>who you are and what it is that you want,

0:15:24.840 --> 0:15:27.600
<v Speaker 1>and you don't have to compromise that for anyone. Sending

0:15:27.600 --> 0:15:30.320
<v Speaker 1>you all so much love and I hope you will

0:15:30.400 --> 0:15:34.120
<v Speaker 1>have such a beautiful, wonderful week filled with finding people

0:15:34.440 --> 0:15:37.520
<v Speaker 1>that appreciate and value your values and your standards.