1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:07,800 Speaker 1: Hello everybody. I'm Jemma Spake and welcome back to the 2 00:00:07,840 --> 00:00:11,160 Speaker 1: Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through 3 00:00:11,160 --> 00:00:15,880 Speaker 1: the biggest changes, moments, and transitions of our twenties and 4 00:00:15,920 --> 00:00:24,520 Speaker 1: what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back 5 00:00:24,520 --> 00:00:27,680 Speaker 1: to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, 6 00:00:27,800 --> 00:00:30,360 Speaker 1: old listeners. Wherever you are in the world, it is 7 00:00:30,360 --> 00:00:32,680 Speaker 1: so great to have you here. Back for another episode 8 00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:38,080 Speaker 1: as we, of course break down the Psychology of your twenties. Today, 9 00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:41,640 Speaker 1: I want to talk about heartbreak. I want to talk 10 00:00:41,680 --> 00:00:46,720 Speaker 1: about why it is so hard, but also give you 11 00:00:46,800 --> 00:00:50,360 Speaker 1: kind of a guide based on psychology and my experience 12 00:00:50,560 --> 00:00:53,920 Speaker 1: on how to get over it. Maybe that's not even 13 00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:56,800 Speaker 1: the best way to say it. How to get through it, 14 00:00:57,400 --> 00:01:01,840 Speaker 1: how to process the loss, to still feel strong enough 15 00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:06,560 Speaker 1: to believe in love, how to find love again. I 16 00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:09,720 Speaker 1: want to begin by telling you all the story of 17 00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:14,120 Speaker 1: my worst breakup. And when I say breakup, I should 18 00:01:14,120 --> 00:01:18,000 Speaker 1: actually say breakups as in plural. In twenty twenty one, 19 00:01:18,760 --> 00:01:23,160 Speaker 1: I went through two breakups in one year, one with 20 00:01:23,240 --> 00:01:25,280 Speaker 1: a person that I was in a long term relationship 21 00:01:25,319 --> 00:01:29,160 Speaker 1: with a serious relationship with, and another with someone you know. 22 00:01:29,280 --> 00:01:31,760 Speaker 1: And the relationship was a lot less serious, but someone 23 00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:35,399 Speaker 1: who I deeply cared for and I can admit to 24 00:01:35,440 --> 00:01:39,679 Speaker 1: myself now like definitely loved very very much. Let me 25 00:01:39,720 --> 00:01:43,399 Speaker 1: describe kind of like the circumstances of the two in 26 00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:48,400 Speaker 1: one year breakup situation of the very tragic year that 27 00:01:48,520 --> 00:01:52,840 Speaker 1: happened to me. I had been dating my first very 28 00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:55,960 Speaker 1: serious boyfriend for about two years when I think I 29 00:01:56,040 --> 00:01:58,440 Speaker 1: just realized, you know, I think we both realized we 30 00:01:58,520 --> 00:02:02,080 Speaker 1: just weren't right for each other. I actually remember him, 31 00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:05,520 Speaker 1: I distinctly remember him trying to break up with me 32 00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:08,400 Speaker 1: a few months before we actually did, because he was like, 33 00:02:09,040 --> 00:02:10,960 Speaker 1: I'm writing my thesis and I'm just going to be 34 00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:13,359 Speaker 1: too busy for you, and like I need to focus 35 00:02:13,360 --> 00:02:16,080 Speaker 1: all my attention on my writing and I won't have 36 00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:18,520 Speaker 1: time to be with you. And I don't know why, 37 00:02:18,560 --> 00:02:20,560 Speaker 1: but I like stayed with him, even though that was 38 00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:22,800 Speaker 1: like the beginning of the end, and eventually I was 39 00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:25,399 Speaker 1: the person to break up with him two days before 40 00:02:25,480 --> 00:02:28,560 Speaker 1: Valentine's Day, I should say, because of course that was 41 00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:31,359 Speaker 1: my luck. But it wasn't gonna work, and I think 42 00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:33,359 Speaker 1: it was for the best. And after we broke up, 43 00:02:34,040 --> 00:02:36,520 Speaker 1: we did this like on and off again thing for 44 00:02:36,680 --> 00:02:38,760 Speaker 1: a few months before I realized he actually had a 45 00:02:38,760 --> 00:02:40,840 Speaker 1: new girlfriend he wasn't telling me about, and it was 46 00:02:41,280 --> 00:02:44,639 Speaker 1: very embarrassing. And I was in this small college town 47 00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:49,120 Speaker 1: and everybody knew and I kept telling people like, we're 48 00:02:49,120 --> 00:02:51,160 Speaker 1: going to try and make it work. Meanwhile he was 49 00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:55,399 Speaker 1: completely like he was seeing somebody else. It was terribly painful, 50 00:02:55,440 --> 00:02:57,919 Speaker 1: and it kind of took four months for me to 51 00:02:57,960 --> 00:03:01,480 Speaker 1: like officially begin to caree our relationship because of all 52 00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:04,800 Speaker 1: that happened, and because there was this delayed emotional reaction, 53 00:03:04,919 --> 00:03:07,400 Speaker 1: it took me a while to realize, like, oh, this 54 00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:10,840 Speaker 1: is it. We actually aren't getting back together, and that's 55 00:03:10,919 --> 00:03:14,880 Speaker 1: when the grief really began. I'm also very grateful for 56 00:03:14,919 --> 00:03:18,240 Speaker 1: that breakup because og listeners of the podcast will know 57 00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:21,760 Speaker 1: that is how the psychology of your twenties started. And 58 00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:23,720 Speaker 1: I think that it was like the thing that I 59 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:26,600 Speaker 1: needed to expand my life and to take a risk 60 00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:28,959 Speaker 1: and to be creative and to know what I cared about. 61 00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:32,359 Speaker 1: So I kind of owe him a bit of a 62 00:03:32,440 --> 00:03:34,560 Speaker 1: thank you. I owe him my dream job, so thank 63 00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:36,960 Speaker 1: you very much, But that is a different story for 64 00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:42,080 Speaker 1: another time. I think after that breakup I'd love to 65 00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:45,440 Speaker 1: say that I like healed and I moved on and 66 00:03:45,480 --> 00:03:48,800 Speaker 1: I started dating an appropriate amount of time later, but 67 00:03:49,720 --> 00:03:52,320 Speaker 1: that is not the case. I was really, really lonely, 68 00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:54,720 Speaker 1: and I went back on the dating apps well before 69 00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:57,520 Speaker 1: I should have and ended up in a six month 70 00:03:57,560 --> 00:04:02,040 Speaker 1: situationship with someone I shouldn't have been in a relationship with. 71 00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:04,880 Speaker 1: But we ended up going on holidays together and we met, 72 00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:08,960 Speaker 1: I met his parents, and I really thought we had 73 00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:12,840 Speaker 1: this future, which we never did. And from the beginning, 74 00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:15,600 Speaker 1: he was very clear he didn't want a relationship. He 75 00:04:15,640 --> 00:04:18,920 Speaker 1: was never going to commit to me, and you know, 76 00:04:19,080 --> 00:04:21,560 Speaker 1: I think that I just didn't want to hear that 77 00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:23,560 Speaker 1: and I didn't want to see it, and so I 78 00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:28,200 Speaker 1: put a lot of hope and energy and love into 79 00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:31,960 Speaker 1: this person. And then you know, six months later, that 80 00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:34,039 Speaker 1: was the end, and I realized again, like, this person 81 00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:36,280 Speaker 1: doesn't really respect me very much, this person really doesn't 82 00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:38,440 Speaker 1: want to be with me. I can't force him to, 83 00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:43,440 Speaker 1: and I had my heart broken again. These moments now 84 00:04:43,760 --> 00:04:47,240 Speaker 1: are so formative for the person that I am, to 85 00:04:47,279 --> 00:04:50,120 Speaker 1: the point where I'm I genuinely think they are some 86 00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:53,640 Speaker 1: of the things that I'm most grateful for in my 87 00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:57,560 Speaker 1: life like. Those heartbreaks shaped me, and they also pushed 88 00:04:57,600 --> 00:05:00,560 Speaker 1: me to an emotional limit that I think gave me 89 00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:04,480 Speaker 1: some good wisdom to share on how to survive these situations. 90 00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:07,560 Speaker 1: In the time since I've dated a few people, I 91 00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:11,040 Speaker 1: went through one other breakup where I got to apply 92 00:05:11,160 --> 00:05:14,080 Speaker 1: so many of the learnings from those two big breakups. 93 00:05:14,120 --> 00:05:16,720 Speaker 1: And now I'm in a three year relationship with somebody 94 00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:21,720 Speaker 1: that I love so much. I adore him. He is incredible, 95 00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:25,200 Speaker 1: and you know, almost five years old. I want to 96 00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:27,400 Speaker 1: look back today and just kind of give you a 97 00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:30,279 Speaker 1: psychological guide to how I got through it and how 98 00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:32,839 Speaker 1: hopefully you can as well. I know this moment is 99 00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:36,839 Speaker 1: so painful. I know that actually nobody experiences this in 100 00:05:36,880 --> 00:05:39,920 Speaker 1: the same way, and that I'm sure you think you're 101 00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:42,200 Speaker 1: never going to find love again. You're never going to 102 00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:44,719 Speaker 1: be able to survive without them. You can't imagine a 103 00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:47,200 Speaker 1: future where like their name isn't in your phone and 104 00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:50,080 Speaker 1: they don't know everything about you. But I promise you 105 00:05:50,120 --> 00:05:53,880 Speaker 1: will get there. The feeling of emptiness you have won't 106 00:05:53,880 --> 00:05:56,120 Speaker 1: be forever, and I want to give you a little 107 00:05:56,160 --> 00:05:59,760 Speaker 1: bit of a guide through. So without further ado, let's 108 00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:04,920 Speaker 1: get into the psychology behind how to survive your breakup, 109 00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:13,240 Speaker 1: How to survive heartbreak? Stay with us. Let's start very, 110 00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:17,000 Speaker 1: very simply, why do breakups hurt so much? And it 111 00:06:17,080 --> 00:06:20,600 Speaker 1: might seem simple, anybody who has lived through it knows 112 00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:24,400 Speaker 1: it's deeply complex. There are basically a few reasons why 113 00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:28,800 Speaker 1: you're in so much pain right now, and there's a 114 00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:34,080 Speaker 1: reason why they call it heartbreak, because that deep feeling 115 00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:38,119 Speaker 1: in your chest, in your lungs, in your limbs is real, 116 00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:42,680 Speaker 1: literal physical pain. We're going to get to how I 117 00:06:42,760 --> 00:06:44,800 Speaker 1: know that to be true in a second. But the 118 00:06:44,839 --> 00:06:49,479 Speaker 1: most simple, rudimentary psychological explanation for why a breakup hurts 119 00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:54,400 Speaker 1: so much is this love, like few other things, makes 120 00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:58,880 Speaker 1: us feel amazing to a degree that really has no rivals. 121 00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:03,719 Speaker 1: It makes us feel incredible to be seen, to feel important, 122 00:07:03,839 --> 00:07:07,600 Speaker 1: to connect with somebody else. Obviously, it brings a lot 123 00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:10,960 Speaker 1: of pleasure to be loved, to be like in this 124 00:07:11,080 --> 00:07:16,040 Speaker 1: deep bonding moment with somebody. And what's really behind those feelings, 125 00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:20,880 Speaker 1: what really drives those feelings is dopamine and oxytocin. Oxytocin 126 00:07:21,080 --> 00:07:24,040 Speaker 1: especially is literally known as the love hormone. And if 127 00:07:24,760 --> 00:07:27,880 Speaker 1: you ever, if anybody ever managed to purify it and 128 00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:30,920 Speaker 1: give it to somebody in a vial. It would be 129 00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:34,000 Speaker 1: one of the most potent and strong drugs out there. 130 00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:36,760 Speaker 1: It would also be one of the most addictive. That 131 00:07:36,920 --> 00:07:40,160 Speaker 1: is how intense of a drug and of a feeling 132 00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:43,840 Speaker 1: it is. Now, Oxytocin isn't just about love. It's also 133 00:07:43,920 --> 00:07:47,200 Speaker 1: what allows us to bond and trust other people, and 134 00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:53,440 Speaker 1: it is essential for building neural pathways that basically weave 135 00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:59,640 Speaker 1: the memories and our emotions about somebody into our brain. 136 00:08:00,840 --> 00:08:04,280 Speaker 1: They leave an imprint. The memory of them will leave 137 00:08:04,320 --> 00:08:09,200 Speaker 1: an imprint on your neural structures. And the flexibility of 138 00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:12,480 Speaker 1: the brain means that in response to all this really 139 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:17,280 Speaker 1: deep emotional, intense stuff, it adapts to expect it, It 140 00:08:17,320 --> 00:08:21,720 Speaker 1: adapts to deepen that imprint, to become reliant on the 141 00:08:21,720 --> 00:08:25,360 Speaker 1: dopamine and the oxytocin provided by this person, to rely 142 00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:28,880 Speaker 1: on them more and more. And so when it ends 143 00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:33,520 Speaker 1: and all those positive sensations go away and that imprint 144 00:08:33,559 --> 00:08:40,360 Speaker 1: is no longer filled, suddenly there is a deep emotional, psychological, 145 00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:47,760 Speaker 1: biological emptiness that our brain just can't comprehend. It can't 146 00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:50,719 Speaker 1: comprehend that this person was here, they were with us. 147 00:08:50,800 --> 00:08:54,920 Speaker 1: We love them, and then it was over. The whole 148 00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:59,120 Speaker 1: was no longer filled. Scientists and psychologists, you will hear 149 00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:04,559 Speaker 1: them make comparisons between a breakup and literal drug withdrawal. 150 00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:09,160 Speaker 1: It is like your brain is detoxing from a substance, 151 00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:12,800 Speaker 1: and that substance is this other person. You don't have 152 00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:16,560 Speaker 1: access to them anymore, and your brain still very much 153 00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:20,360 Speaker 1: wants to, your brain still very much expects to and 154 00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:24,840 Speaker 1: so you are undeniably left very hurt and left very 155 00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:31,320 Speaker 1: lacking or longing or yearning because of this situation. That 156 00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:33,760 Speaker 1: pain you're feeling is not in your head. It is 157 00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:37,760 Speaker 1: very much real. Studies, including a very famous one from 158 00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:43,160 Speaker 1: twenty twelve, have shown that relationship breakdown activates the same 159 00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:47,960 Speaker 1: brain regions that process physical pain. You've probably heard that before, 160 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:51,400 Speaker 1: but the kind of pain they're describing is obviously not 161 00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:54,440 Speaker 1: the same as stubbing your toe or breaking a limb. 162 00:09:54,679 --> 00:09:57,960 Speaker 1: It's really known as social pain, the pain of losing 163 00:09:57,960 --> 00:10:01,760 Speaker 1: a social connection, the pain of rejection, the pain of 164 00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:07,800 Speaker 1: feeling deep, longing and missing for somebody. That really connects 165 00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:11,800 Speaker 1: to a pain in how we saw ourselves that we 166 00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:15,600 Speaker 1: no longer have. You know, we saw ourselves as this 167 00:10:15,679 --> 00:10:17,920 Speaker 1: person who was attached to this other individual. We saw 168 00:10:17,920 --> 00:10:20,760 Speaker 1: ourselves in a partnership, we saw ourselves in a pair, 169 00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:24,360 Speaker 1: and we no longer do. And so there is also 170 00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:28,959 Speaker 1: a real identity shakeup that is going on behind the scenes. 171 00:10:29,600 --> 00:10:32,160 Speaker 1: Back to that pain thing as well, It's not like 172 00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:36,040 Speaker 1: there is a hierarchy where physical pain hurts more than 173 00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:40,080 Speaker 1: this social pain hurts more than this social loss. They 174 00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:43,880 Speaker 1: hurt equally, which might seem bizarre to say, but they 175 00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:47,520 Speaker 1: hurt equally because pain is not actually experienced by the body. 176 00:10:47,760 --> 00:10:50,840 Speaker 1: It is experienced by the mind and by the brain, 177 00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:56,560 Speaker 1: specifically pain related neural regions in your brain. I could 178 00:10:56,559 --> 00:10:59,400 Speaker 1: cut off your leg, I could you know, kick you 179 00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:03,000 Speaker 1: in the shine. You would not feel any of that 180 00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:06,760 Speaker 1: as actual pain if the pain related neuroregions in your 181 00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:10,000 Speaker 1: brain were not working, because you would have no way 182 00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:14,320 Speaker 1: of reading the sensation. What that means is that the 183 00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:17,360 Speaker 1: pain of a heartbreak is processed in the same way 184 00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:21,319 Speaker 1: and at the same capacity and level as physical pain 185 00:11:21,559 --> 00:11:24,880 Speaker 1: would be. They use identical systems. So I don't want 186 00:11:24,880 --> 00:11:27,559 Speaker 1: you to discount what you're feeling and think, ah, this 187 00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:31,880 Speaker 1: is not real. This can't be as painful as I 188 00:11:31,920 --> 00:11:34,920 Speaker 1: think it is. This is all in my head. Absolutely not. 189 00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:38,000 Speaker 1: There is real science behind why you feel the way 190 00:11:38,040 --> 00:11:42,479 Speaker 1: that you do. Breakups also leave us with an emotional 191 00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:47,319 Speaker 1: void where there's a lot of love that has nowhere 192 00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:50,120 Speaker 1: to go, and they also leave us with a near 193 00:11:50,720 --> 00:11:54,480 Speaker 1: future void. What I mean by a near future void 194 00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:58,880 Speaker 1: is that it makes us have to rapidly adapt to 195 00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:02,480 Speaker 1: a new way of life life whilst also accepting the 196 00:12:02,520 --> 00:12:04,880 Speaker 1: grief of a future that is never going to happen. 197 00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:08,080 Speaker 1: You're not going to see each other every weekend. The 198 00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:10,320 Speaker 1: future trip that you so wanted to take isn't going 199 00:12:10,360 --> 00:12:12,880 Speaker 1: to happen. They're not going to be at your birthday 200 00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:15,960 Speaker 1: next year. It's like they've been erased out of all 201 00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:18,560 Speaker 1: those future memories that you want to have, all the 202 00:12:18,559 --> 00:12:22,360 Speaker 1: things that you've built, the routine, the inside jokes, the connection, 203 00:12:22,520 --> 00:12:26,320 Speaker 1: the relationships with their family, the memories. It feels like 204 00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:28,560 Speaker 1: you have to erase them, not just from the past 205 00:12:28,600 --> 00:12:30,640 Speaker 1: and the present, but from the future, and you have 206 00:12:30,679 --> 00:12:33,840 Speaker 1: to say goodbye and that those memories were maybe for nothing. 207 00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:39,000 Speaker 1: This has a name. It's called ambiguous loss. Grieving something 208 00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:41,680 Speaker 1: that hasn't happened yet but that you still miss in 209 00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:45,880 Speaker 1: a way, grieving the future that you really wanted to 210 00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:49,320 Speaker 1: build with this person, building a life that you would 211 00:12:49,360 --> 00:12:54,920 Speaker 1: deeply invested in. I personally think some of the hardest 212 00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:59,800 Speaker 1: breakups are the ones when it could have almost worked. 213 00:13:00,840 --> 00:13:06,000 Speaker 1: You think it's working, you tried really hard, or you 214 00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:11,640 Speaker 1: were just blindsided, and the plans, the potential they were 215 00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:15,080 Speaker 1: just like suddenly killed off in the moment. You know, 216 00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:19,120 Speaker 1: it's a random Monday night and your whole life is 217 00:13:19,160 --> 00:13:23,120 Speaker 1: suddenly different. Half the pain is just having to adapt 218 00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:26,800 Speaker 1: to this new reality that you probably didn't want to 219 00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:30,160 Speaker 1: find yourself in in the first place. I think it's 220 00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:32,880 Speaker 1: the same for relationships that maybe didn't have a serious 221 00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:35,680 Speaker 1: label just because you weren't boyfriend and girlfriends just because 222 00:13:35,679 --> 00:13:38,640 Speaker 1: you weren't formally together, even if it was a situationship. 223 00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:41,319 Speaker 1: There is a part of you that always deeply hopes 224 00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:44,600 Speaker 1: that it could work out, and there is a part 225 00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:47,240 Speaker 1: of you that really holds on to the wattifs. And 226 00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:49,960 Speaker 1: a lot of psychologists will tell you that it's the 227 00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:53,439 Speaker 1: wattifs that make the pain last as long as it does, 228 00:13:54,040 --> 00:13:56,520 Speaker 1: and why it's so hard to find closure because the 229 00:13:56,559 --> 00:14:01,520 Speaker 1: opposite of closure is possibility, and that's what the what 230 00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:04,559 Speaker 1: ifs are thriving in What if they'd just given me 231 00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:08,360 Speaker 1: a chance? What if things had been different? What if 232 00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:12,080 Speaker 1: we hadn't had that fight. What if I hadn't broken 233 00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:13,880 Speaker 1: up with them over that thing? What if I just 234 00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:16,320 Speaker 1: loved them a little bit more? What if they've just 235 00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:20,000 Speaker 1: loved me a little bit more. There was this Psychology 236 00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:24,040 Speaker 1: Today article that I read about this that said, the 237 00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:27,600 Speaker 1: reason these what ifs haunt us is because they actually 238 00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:30,920 Speaker 1: offer us a full sense of control. If we can 239 00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:35,080 Speaker 1: pinpoint what went wrong, we can maybe fix it and 240 00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:37,240 Speaker 1: get back together with them, or we can prevent it 241 00:14:37,240 --> 00:14:40,760 Speaker 1: from happening again. We search for things that will fill 242 00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:43,560 Speaker 1: in the gaps of why this didn't work. The hard 243 00:14:43,560 --> 00:14:47,280 Speaker 1: truth is, even if you could identify the exact moment 244 00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:50,920 Speaker 1: or reason that things fell apart, it's probably not going 245 00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:54,520 Speaker 1: to change the outcome. The relationship ended for a reason, 246 00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:58,240 Speaker 1: and clinging to what if really only prolongs you're suffering. 247 00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:01,280 Speaker 1: I remember this is what happened to with that situationship 248 00:15:01,320 --> 00:15:06,080 Speaker 1: I was in where I just was like trying to 249 00:15:06,120 --> 00:15:10,640 Speaker 1: convince him constantly that if he committed, we would be 250 00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:13,560 Speaker 1: really good together. That what if of like what if 251 00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:15,840 Speaker 1: you just believed me for a second. What if you 252 00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:18,000 Speaker 1: just saw what I saw, you know, then we could 253 00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:24,560 Speaker 1: have this amazing life together. That whole situation was a fantasy, 254 00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:27,160 Speaker 1: and I was trying to force somebody to believe in 255 00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:30,760 Speaker 1: something that they didn't want proof of and that they 256 00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:33,920 Speaker 1: didn't necessarily want. And what it was really about was 257 00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:37,000 Speaker 1: control me, trying to control a situation that made me 258 00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:40,240 Speaker 1: feel really vulnerable, so that the outcome did make me 259 00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:44,120 Speaker 1: feel worse about myself. Okay, so now that we understand 260 00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:46,280 Speaker 1: the pain, hopefully a little bit better, I want to 261 00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:50,080 Speaker 1: go through the life cycle of a breakup and what 262 00:15:50,280 --> 00:15:53,200 Speaker 1: to expect. What are the signs that you're healing, What 263 00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:55,600 Speaker 1: are the signs that you're getting better, what kind of 264 00:15:55,600 --> 00:15:59,560 Speaker 1: awaits you in the next chapter of this heartbreak. Heartbreak 265 00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:04,120 Speaker 1: is obvious different for everyone, but the way the heart 266 00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:08,440 Speaker 1: mends itself like actually seems to follow a very similar pattern. 267 00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:13,560 Speaker 1: Instead of timelines, now I can't give you an absolute number. 268 00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:17,960 Speaker 1: I can't give you an exact date or the number 269 00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:20,320 Speaker 1: of months, and it's going to take before you feel better, 270 00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:24,360 Speaker 1: but we can talk about the stages. There have been 271 00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:27,200 Speaker 1: a couple of attempts to kind of do this to 272 00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:30,320 Speaker 1: kind of categorize the life cycle of a breakup. The 273 00:16:30,360 --> 00:16:35,440 Speaker 1: most famous one is obviously the stage of grief theory 274 00:16:35,680 --> 00:16:40,720 Speaker 1: by Elizabeth Koubler Ross. This theory you've probably heard of it. 275 00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:44,560 Speaker 1: It basically was developed to describe how people move through 276 00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:48,160 Speaker 1: the grief that occurs when somebody dies. People then realize 277 00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:51,320 Speaker 1: it also applies to the grief of when a relationship dies, 278 00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:55,760 Speaker 1: but the stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. 279 00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:58,440 Speaker 1: The theory is you have to go through each stage in 280 00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:00,840 Speaker 1: your own time to get to a point when you're 281 00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:04,480 Speaker 1: really ready to move on. I find that that theory 282 00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:08,000 Speaker 1: is quite accurate, but I also have my own model 283 00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:11,199 Speaker 1: that I think describes it a little bit better, and 284 00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:16,320 Speaker 1: I describe it as the three waves of the breakup. 285 00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:21,920 Speaker 1: So before you even get into the breakup, I think, 286 00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:24,080 Speaker 1: before you even actually start to be able to move on, 287 00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:28,000 Speaker 1: you are going to go through that stage of shock 288 00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:31,280 Speaker 1: and of denial. Every single one of us is going 289 00:17:31,359 --> 00:17:33,320 Speaker 1: to have this. It could last a minute, a day, 290 00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:38,840 Speaker 1: a month, three months. Essentially, it's going to maybe take 291 00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:41,760 Speaker 1: a while for you to really realize the emotional situation 292 00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:44,919 Speaker 1: you're in. And that's why it can take some time 293 00:17:45,240 --> 00:17:48,800 Speaker 1: for your emotions to catch up to your reality. Like 294 00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:50,760 Speaker 1: I said, it took me four months to really grieve 295 00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:56,240 Speaker 1: that first breakup, four months before I even cried, because 296 00:17:56,320 --> 00:17:58,919 Speaker 1: I was still in this shock feeling. You know, you 297 00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:01,720 Speaker 1: may wake up for a few days, you know, afterwards, 298 00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:04,560 Speaker 1: just kind of forgetting that it even happened. You may 299 00:18:04,840 --> 00:18:08,280 Speaker 1: really genuinely feel that you're fine, You're already over it. 300 00:18:09,280 --> 00:18:11,720 Speaker 1: I'm sorry to say that feeling is a trick, that 301 00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:16,879 Speaker 1: feeling is a lie. At some stage, the gates are 302 00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:18,920 Speaker 1: actually going to open, and that's when the healing and 303 00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:22,200 Speaker 1: the heartbreak really begins, and that's when the first wave 304 00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:26,320 Speaker 1: actually occurs. The first wave of a breakup, of any breakup, 305 00:18:26,359 --> 00:18:29,240 Speaker 1: is what I call the emotional mess stage. After that 306 00:18:29,320 --> 00:18:32,080 Speaker 1: shock falls away, this is when you first encounter like 307 00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:36,880 Speaker 1: the true reality, the raw truth of the emotional wreckage 308 00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:41,840 Speaker 1: of what's happened. In this first wave, you will do, 309 00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:45,479 Speaker 1: and you have permission to do stupid things to give it. 310 00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:48,720 Speaker 1: You're going to get bangs, You're going to try desperately 311 00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:51,480 Speaker 1: to be friends with your ex. You're going to keep 312 00:18:51,520 --> 00:18:53,800 Speaker 1: going back looking for closure. You're going to get too drunk, 313 00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:57,399 Speaker 1: You're going to cry, in embarrassing places. It is a requirement. 314 00:18:58,160 --> 00:19:00,000 Speaker 1: If you have not gone through this, you are probably 315 00:19:00,119 --> 00:19:02,760 Speaker 1: still in the shock fase. What's really happening is that 316 00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:04,800 Speaker 1: all the love that you have has nowhere to go, 317 00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:10,080 Speaker 1: so you respond impulsively, You respond with great intensity. I 318 00:19:10,119 --> 00:19:12,439 Speaker 1: tend to think of it as like the first stage 319 00:19:12,440 --> 00:19:16,960 Speaker 1: of having an open wound, like blood is just gushing everywhere, 320 00:19:17,720 --> 00:19:21,680 Speaker 1: and that's totally normal. This is what I really recommend, 321 00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:23,840 Speaker 1: and I'm gonna I know it's going to sound basic, 322 00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:26,720 Speaker 1: but I really do recommend you go no contact for 323 00:19:26,760 --> 00:19:30,080 Speaker 1: thirty days. Whatever terms you ended the relationship on, good 324 00:19:30,359 --> 00:19:34,000 Speaker 1: or bad. Neurologically, it's going to be easier for you 325 00:19:34,119 --> 00:19:36,879 Speaker 1: to move on from this situation if you are not 326 00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:42,480 Speaker 1: constantly triggered and reminded of their existence, or if their 327 00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:46,560 Speaker 1: role and presence in your life is not continuingly like 328 00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:53,080 Speaker 1: continuing to be reinforced. You need to stop those neurons 329 00:19:53,119 --> 00:19:57,600 Speaker 1: and stop those synaptic connections that associate you with them 330 00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:01,439 Speaker 1: from firing. The way I really like to describe it 331 00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:05,160 Speaker 1: is when you go to contact, you're able to hear 332 00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:09,000 Speaker 1: your own voice and feel your own emotions more clearly. 333 00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:12,520 Speaker 1: It's like being able to just have a conversation with 334 00:20:12,600 --> 00:20:18,240 Speaker 1: yourself without hearing somebody else's voice like talking over you. 335 00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:21,439 Speaker 1: You're each going to handle this breakup very differently, and 336 00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:23,439 Speaker 1: at some stage, like each of you is going to 337 00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:26,199 Speaker 1: try and convince the other person to see it the 338 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:28,520 Speaker 1: way that you see it. You don't need that other 339 00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:34,680 Speaker 1: voice talking over how you feel and interrupting your emotional processing. 340 00:20:35,240 --> 00:20:40,480 Speaker 1: Going no contact just gives you the time to concentrate 341 00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:43,680 Speaker 1: on what you think about the situation and to also 342 00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:47,240 Speaker 1: just kind of work through the pain. I always say 343 00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:52,200 Speaker 1: that like going cold turkey on a relationship, might feel 344 00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:54,800 Speaker 1: a lot more painful, but it speeds the process up 345 00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:58,520 Speaker 1: a lot compared to slowly trying to move away or 346 00:20:58,560 --> 00:21:01,479 Speaker 1: slowly trying to withdraw from somebody, which is just going 347 00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:04,800 Speaker 1: to make the pain and make the wound heal so 348 00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:09,160 Speaker 1: much slower. During the first wave, typically an event will 349 00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:12,680 Speaker 1: trigger you to move into the second wave, and typically 350 00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:15,080 Speaker 1: this is something that's a little bit unfortunate. You find 351 00:21:15,119 --> 00:21:17,480 Speaker 1: out that they're seeing somebody new, You have a big 352 00:21:17,520 --> 00:21:21,600 Speaker 1: confrontational chat after the no contact, you see their true colors. 353 00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:24,600 Speaker 1: You realize finally the big reason you can't be together. 354 00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:27,560 Speaker 1: This pushes you into the second wave where the real 355 00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:32,680 Speaker 1: deep healing begins. Second wave deep healing stage, the temporary 356 00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:36,240 Speaker 1: fixes no longer work. Going out doesn't keep the pain away. 357 00:21:36,600 --> 00:21:40,160 Speaker 1: You can't outrun the serious grief that this relationship isn't 358 00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:42,920 Speaker 1: going to work, it's not going to come back. And 359 00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:46,640 Speaker 1: this is when you feel very hopeless. You cry a lot, 360 00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:49,560 Speaker 1: it feels very dark. It's also when you really have 361 00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:52,679 Speaker 1: to look the pain in the eye. Surviving this wave 362 00:21:53,160 --> 00:21:56,680 Speaker 1: is mainly about time, but there are some things that 363 00:21:56,720 --> 00:22:00,159 Speaker 1: will definitely help as well. So not dating is a 364 00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:04,520 Speaker 1: big one. Being around your friends, really sinking deeper into 365 00:22:04,520 --> 00:22:08,600 Speaker 1: your hobbies, dating yourself in a really active way, taking 366 00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:11,720 Speaker 1: yourself out for dinner, filling up your social calendar with 367 00:22:11,760 --> 00:22:15,080 Speaker 1: things that you're excited to do, are all really going 368 00:22:15,119 --> 00:22:19,520 Speaker 1: to help. When you start to kind of get into 369 00:22:19,560 --> 00:22:22,280 Speaker 1: the flow of this, you're going to be thinking about 370 00:22:22,280 --> 00:22:24,520 Speaker 1: them a lot less. You're gonna be thinking like, hey, 371 00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:28,000 Speaker 1: I think I'm going to survive this. That's when you 372 00:22:28,160 --> 00:22:33,239 Speaker 1: experience the third wave, which is acceptance. But before you 373 00:22:33,240 --> 00:22:37,120 Speaker 1: can get there, you are going to experience one more 374 00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:41,080 Speaker 1: wave of grief. And I'm going to talk about why 375 00:22:41,119 --> 00:22:44,440 Speaker 1: that is. What it feels like, and how to get 376 00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:53,600 Speaker 1: through that infamous third wave after this short break. I 377 00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:57,440 Speaker 1: truly think the second hardest part of a breakup after 378 00:22:57,520 --> 00:23:00,919 Speaker 1: of course, like the initial devastation, is actually always going 379 00:23:00,960 --> 00:23:05,600 Speaker 1: to be right before things get easier very quickly. And 380 00:23:05,680 --> 00:23:08,000 Speaker 1: I know this from experience, not just my own, but 381 00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:11,960 Speaker 1: from other people's. You know, the moment you think, I 382 00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:14,360 Speaker 1: just don't think I can survive this any longer. I'm 383 00:23:14,359 --> 00:23:17,320 Speaker 1: doing everything I can, I can't stop thinking about them. 384 00:23:17,880 --> 00:23:21,800 Speaker 1: That is truly when you come to a state of acceptance, 385 00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:25,280 Speaker 1: when you come to realize, like, the only way I 386 00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:29,000 Speaker 1: can survive this is by understanding myself better and is 387 00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:31,200 Speaker 1: by actually going further into the belly of the beast. 388 00:23:31,600 --> 00:23:33,919 Speaker 1: You begin to really find a lot more clarity. And 389 00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:36,640 Speaker 1: this is where in this third wave, like I really 390 00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:40,120 Speaker 1: recommend you start journaling about what you've learned. You begin 391 00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:43,480 Speaker 1: to see patterns more clearly, you begin to be able 392 00:23:43,480 --> 00:23:46,760 Speaker 1: to really soak in the lessons. It may also be 393 00:23:46,840 --> 00:23:50,359 Speaker 1: in this third wave when you contact them one last time, 394 00:23:50,680 --> 00:23:53,360 Speaker 1: you do that final farewell, and it's when you really 395 00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:56,800 Speaker 1: start to trust your intuition again about maybe seeing other 396 00:23:56,840 --> 00:24:00,840 Speaker 1: people making big life decisions that's the next chapter for 397 00:24:00,880 --> 00:24:03,679 Speaker 1: you going to hold you feel more optimistic for the 398 00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:06,960 Speaker 1: first time in months, then you feel pessimistic. I want 399 00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:11,080 Speaker 1: to make something clear. It is totally normal to be 400 00:24:11,119 --> 00:24:14,480 Speaker 1: in wave three or beyond, to be in like the 401 00:24:14,560 --> 00:24:19,840 Speaker 1: total acceptance stage and still get flashbacks of them, to 402 00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:24,240 Speaker 1: still find yourself thinking about them, even missing them. This 403 00:24:24,400 --> 00:24:30,920 Speaker 1: is not a sign to get back together. These involuntary 404 00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:34,080 Speaker 1: memory flare ups. They are no more than what we 405 00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:38,159 Speaker 1: call mind pops. And I talked about this in my 406 00:24:38,240 --> 00:24:41,399 Speaker 1: book actually where I did my whole chapter on heartbreak. 407 00:24:42,320 --> 00:24:45,800 Speaker 1: These mind pops are something that psychologists and scientists have 408 00:24:45,880 --> 00:24:50,440 Speaker 1: labeled recently. It's basically where our brain just suddenly brings 409 00:24:50,480 --> 00:24:53,919 Speaker 1: about memories and information to the surface so that we 410 00:24:53,920 --> 00:24:57,119 Speaker 1: can determine whether it's still relevant or not. It is 411 00:24:57,359 --> 00:25:01,920 Speaker 1: this involuntary memory recall that is rigged by the environment, 412 00:25:01,960 --> 00:25:06,480 Speaker 1: triggered by something happening, by a smell, a song, lyric, 413 00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:09,560 Speaker 1: a place, a food, we don't even know it, and 414 00:25:09,600 --> 00:25:12,720 Speaker 1: suddenly you're right back in that place in time, reminiscing 415 00:25:12,720 --> 00:25:16,080 Speaker 1: on them all those years later. If a memory is 416 00:25:16,200 --> 00:25:19,840 Speaker 1: particularly emotionally loaded, like it's gonna come up a few times, 417 00:25:20,560 --> 00:25:23,400 Speaker 1: maybe just because you're bored, maybe just because your inhibitions 418 00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:28,159 Speaker 1: are down. Don't try and be afraid. Don't try and 419 00:25:28,160 --> 00:25:32,360 Speaker 1: suppress these thoughts. They are super normal. They are nothing 420 00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:35,920 Speaker 1: more than your brain just deciding to fire in strange ways. 421 00:25:36,560 --> 00:25:39,960 Speaker 1: Do not let it make you think that you need 422 00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:43,640 Speaker 1: to go back to this person. Want you to approach 423 00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:51,200 Speaker 1: these mindpubs cautiously and with neutrality. It is totally normal 424 00:25:51,240 --> 00:25:53,879 Speaker 1: that you're going to miss them. You felt connected, they 425 00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:56,719 Speaker 1: were a part of your life. Maybe things ended in 426 00:25:56,760 --> 00:26:02,000 Speaker 1: an unsatisfactory way. That doesn't mean that you still have 427 00:26:02,080 --> 00:26:06,240 Speaker 1: to be emotionally invested in them. It's also essentral to 428 00:26:06,320 --> 00:26:10,800 Speaker 1: question how you may be romanticizing parts of your relationship 429 00:26:11,280 --> 00:26:15,080 Speaker 1: that never actually happened. There's a reason why we only 430 00:26:15,119 --> 00:26:18,520 Speaker 1: remember the good times. It's known as the Pollyanna principle. 431 00:26:19,119 --> 00:26:22,919 Speaker 1: A positive cognitive bias is what is occurring, whereby we 432 00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:26,359 Speaker 1: remember the good times more clearly than the bad, and 433 00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:29,480 Speaker 1: therefore we fixate on them more and they give us 434 00:26:29,480 --> 00:26:34,080 Speaker 1: an unrealistic view of the relationship. Often we romanticize the 435 00:26:34,119 --> 00:26:38,359 Speaker 1: past to protect ourselves from negative memories, and in the 436 00:26:38,440 --> 00:26:42,000 Speaker 1: process we engage in something called selective recall, when we 437 00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:45,399 Speaker 1: think about our ex or some unrequited love, all we 438 00:26:45,480 --> 00:26:49,080 Speaker 1: remember is what made them special and all the other things, 439 00:26:49,280 --> 00:26:53,000 Speaker 1: the unanswered messages, the lack of effort, the unhappiness that 440 00:26:53,119 --> 00:26:56,000 Speaker 1: is left out. And it's no wonder you can't move 441 00:26:56,040 --> 00:27:02,240 Speaker 1: on when you are remembering your entire relationship incorrectly, despite 442 00:27:02,240 --> 00:27:05,040 Speaker 1: your best intentions. I'm going to say something you may 443 00:27:05,080 --> 00:27:10,080 Speaker 1: not want to hear right now, but that's going to happen. 444 00:27:10,240 --> 00:27:14,480 Speaker 1: There is no fast forwarding through a breakup. I think grief, 445 00:27:15,640 --> 00:27:19,399 Speaker 1: whether it last a week to five years, is the 446 00:27:19,440 --> 00:27:21,240 Speaker 1: price you pay for love, and I think it's a 447 00:27:21,280 --> 00:27:24,400 Speaker 1: pretty fair price. The second thing I'm going to say 448 00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:28,119 Speaker 1: that you may not like is that you do have 449 00:27:28,160 --> 00:27:29,840 Speaker 1: to find the beauty in this a little bit, or 450 00:27:29,880 --> 00:27:32,719 Speaker 1: at least the romance. And when I mean romance, what 451 00:27:32,760 --> 00:27:36,520 Speaker 1: I really mean is meaning, why did this happen? How 452 00:27:36,600 --> 00:27:39,960 Speaker 1: is this part of your story? What are you going 453 00:27:40,240 --> 00:27:42,600 Speaker 1: to create from this? Because, by gosh, you are going 454 00:27:42,640 --> 00:27:45,520 Speaker 1: to build and make something beautiful of yourself and your 455 00:27:45,600 --> 00:27:48,560 Speaker 1: life because of this pain, not in spite of it. 456 00:27:49,440 --> 00:27:54,080 Speaker 1: Like I genuinely I said, that's at the beginning. Breakups 457 00:27:54,119 --> 00:27:58,760 Speaker 1: are just like such fertile soil to plant the seeds 458 00:27:58,760 --> 00:28:00,800 Speaker 1: of your new life. There is so much you can 459 00:28:00,840 --> 00:28:04,440 Speaker 1: do out of like out of the rubble of a breakup. 460 00:28:04,480 --> 00:28:08,439 Speaker 1: Like I cannot express to you how my whole life 461 00:28:08,480 --> 00:28:11,280 Speaker 1: is different because somebody broke up with me, And my 462 00:28:11,359 --> 00:28:13,320 Speaker 1: whole life is different in a way that is, and 463 00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:16,400 Speaker 1: I can tell, is profoundly better than what it would 464 00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:18,480 Speaker 1: have been if I'd stayed, or if we'd broken up, 465 00:28:18,920 --> 00:28:21,800 Speaker 1: you know, five months, six months later, or if we'd 466 00:28:21,840 --> 00:28:24,560 Speaker 1: actually never been together. It all makes sense, it's all 467 00:28:24,560 --> 00:28:28,199 Speaker 1: part of the story. So I think it's time to 468 00:28:28,200 --> 00:28:30,240 Speaker 1: give you some of my tips, the best tips that 469 00:28:30,280 --> 00:28:34,680 Speaker 1: I use that I think are important for getting through this, 470 00:28:35,280 --> 00:28:39,400 Speaker 1: that are based in psychology. The first big tip that 471 00:28:39,440 --> 00:28:43,200 Speaker 1: I have for you is to survive this breakup, you 472 00:28:43,280 --> 00:28:47,680 Speaker 1: need to restructure your environment. This involves getting rid of 473 00:28:47,840 --> 00:28:51,800 Speaker 1: any reminders of this person, and then on top of that, 474 00:28:51,920 --> 00:28:57,120 Speaker 1: introducing new objects, new colors, new things, new images that 475 00:28:57,440 --> 00:29:00,400 Speaker 1: reflect the new life and new mindset that you were 476 00:29:00,400 --> 00:29:05,120 Speaker 1: stepping into. After my first terrible breakup, I did a 477 00:29:05,160 --> 00:29:08,920 Speaker 1: clean sweep everything that reminded me of him. They went 478 00:29:08,960 --> 00:29:11,920 Speaker 1: into a box and it went into storage, and I 479 00:29:11,960 --> 00:29:13,800 Speaker 1: couldn't tell you where that box is now. I just 480 00:29:13,840 --> 00:29:16,640 Speaker 1: needed it to be gone. I also ordered a bunch 481 00:29:16,680 --> 00:29:19,320 Speaker 1: of posters of my favorite art to hang up on 482 00:29:19,360 --> 00:29:22,040 Speaker 1: my walls. I also painted a bunch of stuff in 483 00:29:22,120 --> 00:29:25,320 Speaker 1: my room. I moved all of my furniture around, I 484 00:29:25,320 --> 00:29:28,280 Speaker 1: bought new bed sheets. I just wanted stuff that was 485 00:29:28,320 --> 00:29:31,960 Speaker 1: going to represent me and represent you know, this life 486 00:29:32,000 --> 00:29:34,560 Speaker 1: that I wanted to have as a single person. Research 487 00:29:34,640 --> 00:29:39,680 Speaker 1: in environmental psychology shows that our surroundings profoundly affect our 488 00:29:39,720 --> 00:29:43,560 Speaker 1: emotions and behaviors, especially in times like this. There was 489 00:29:43,600 --> 00:29:48,280 Speaker 1: this very famous equation that was described by this individual 490 00:29:48,320 --> 00:29:52,440 Speaker 1: called Kurt Lewin, and his equation is basically the behavior. 491 00:29:52,560 --> 00:29:55,479 Speaker 1: Your behavior is a function both of the person you 492 00:29:55,520 --> 00:29:59,160 Speaker 1: are and of your environment. So when your living space 493 00:29:59,280 --> 00:30:03,120 Speaker 1: is filled with reminders of a past relationship, how do 494 00:30:03,160 --> 00:30:06,959 Speaker 1: you expect yourself to behave any differently? When you are 495 00:30:07,120 --> 00:30:11,040 Speaker 1: continuously triggering memories and the emotional pain of this person 496 00:30:11,080 --> 00:30:13,440 Speaker 1: and the fact they're not in your life anymore, you 497 00:30:13,600 --> 00:30:20,360 Speaker 1: need to be so deliberate about changing your environment, rearranging furniture, redecorating, replacing, 498 00:30:20,960 --> 00:30:24,680 Speaker 1: so that the new physical cues in your environment symbolize 499 00:30:24,680 --> 00:30:27,400 Speaker 1: the things that you care about, symbolize the things that 500 00:30:27,440 --> 00:30:32,560 Speaker 1: are independently important to you, and symbolize your new life. Okay, 501 00:30:32,640 --> 00:30:36,880 Speaker 1: tip number two, get a project and make it a 502 00:30:36,920 --> 00:30:40,640 Speaker 1: project or a hobby or something that you have never 503 00:30:40,680 --> 00:30:43,520 Speaker 1: showed interest in before and that they would know nothing about. 504 00:30:44,840 --> 00:30:47,800 Speaker 1: For me, that was this podcast. I cannot tell you 505 00:30:49,040 --> 00:30:51,200 Speaker 1: how important this podcast was for me to get through 506 00:30:51,240 --> 00:30:54,160 Speaker 1: those emotions. But what was so important about it was 507 00:30:54,160 --> 00:30:56,320 Speaker 1: it was like I was learning all these new skills. 508 00:30:56,840 --> 00:30:59,360 Speaker 1: I was creating this whole new life of myself that 509 00:31:00,080 --> 00:31:05,200 Speaker 1: you didn't know anything about, that had no connection to 510 00:31:05,280 --> 00:31:08,760 Speaker 1: this individual. I also think that we are rarely as 511 00:31:09,040 --> 00:31:12,560 Speaker 1: motivated to prove something to ourselves as we are when 512 00:31:12,600 --> 00:31:18,080 Speaker 1: we are in deep emotional pain. You know, you really 513 00:31:18,160 --> 00:31:21,280 Speaker 1: have like one of the purest forms of motivation for 514 00:31:21,360 --> 00:31:26,520 Speaker 1: yourself right now. Heartbreak is like heroine for getting stuff 515 00:31:26,560 --> 00:31:29,960 Speaker 1: done and for reinventing yourself. You know, whether that is 516 00:31:30,000 --> 00:31:33,080 Speaker 1: throwing yourself into the gym, you know, writing a book, 517 00:31:33,120 --> 00:31:38,040 Speaker 1: writing poetry, starting a garden, solo, traveling, like there is 518 00:31:38,080 --> 00:31:41,200 Speaker 1: a reason half of the music out there is breakup songs. 519 00:31:41,800 --> 00:31:44,560 Speaker 1: Every feeling that you have is going to be right 520 00:31:44,640 --> 00:31:47,040 Speaker 1: on the surface. It's so easy to access, and it's 521 00:31:47,040 --> 00:31:50,400 Speaker 1: so easy to take those feelings and to convert them 522 00:31:50,440 --> 00:31:56,200 Speaker 1: into something that you are really, really proud of. Number three, 523 00:31:56,360 --> 00:32:00,360 Speaker 1: My third tip is to get a breakup buddy. I 524 00:32:00,440 --> 00:32:02,560 Speaker 1: was talking to my friend Grace about this the other day. 525 00:32:03,240 --> 00:32:08,000 Speaker 1: But having a friend or a person that is going 526 00:32:08,040 --> 00:32:11,640 Speaker 1: through it with you makes this whole process like totally 527 00:32:11,680 --> 00:32:14,000 Speaker 1: more bearable, and I think it allows you to be 528 00:32:14,040 --> 00:32:17,120 Speaker 1: more honest and reflective compared to your friends who are 529 00:32:17,120 --> 00:32:20,840 Speaker 1: maybe still in relationships or people who haven't been through 530 00:32:20,840 --> 00:32:24,480 Speaker 1: a breakup in a while. When you talk through your 531 00:32:24,560 --> 00:32:29,560 Speaker 1: breakup with your breakup buddy, you engage in a process 532 00:32:29,560 --> 00:32:33,120 Speaker 1: that psychologists call coregulation. And this is where two people 533 00:32:33,520 --> 00:32:37,600 Speaker 1: actually help regulate each other's emotions because they're going through 534 00:32:37,640 --> 00:32:42,120 Speaker 1: something similar and they are sharing very vulnerably their story, 535 00:32:42,560 --> 00:32:46,560 Speaker 1: their reflections, and their truth. And it actually allows us 536 00:32:46,760 --> 00:32:49,560 Speaker 1: to feed off other people's calm, to feed off the 537 00:32:49,600 --> 00:32:52,840 Speaker 1: other person's emotions, to feed off their learnings. There was 538 00:32:52,880 --> 00:32:57,840 Speaker 1: a twenty eleven study on emotional disclosure that found expressing 539 00:32:57,920 --> 00:33:02,000 Speaker 1: painful emotions to someone who was in similar circumstances to 540 00:33:02,040 --> 00:33:07,920 Speaker 1: you actually reduces depressive symptoms, and it improves recovery time 541 00:33:08,080 --> 00:33:12,440 Speaker 1: for all number of illnesses, including heartbreak. It also just 542 00:33:12,480 --> 00:33:15,360 Speaker 1: makes you a lot less lonely. I think the loneliness 543 00:33:15,440 --> 00:33:18,480 Speaker 1: is the hardest part of this right. Maybe since this 544 00:33:18,560 --> 00:33:21,200 Speaker 1: relationship occurred, a lot of your friends have found themselves 545 00:33:21,240 --> 00:33:24,800 Speaker 1: in relationships, and maybe you're the last single person. People 546 00:33:24,800 --> 00:33:28,040 Speaker 1: are busy, maybe you live in a new city. That 547 00:33:28,160 --> 00:33:31,000 Speaker 1: loneliness can have you running back to a less than 548 00:33:31,000 --> 00:33:34,000 Speaker 1: good relationship faster than you can say boo, because it 549 00:33:34,080 --> 00:33:37,080 Speaker 1: is the only thing that's going to make you feel good. 550 00:33:37,720 --> 00:33:43,160 Speaker 1: So find your person. Trust me, when you start looking, 551 00:33:44,080 --> 00:33:47,920 Speaker 1: they're everywhere. They are in book clubs, run clubs, braves, 552 00:33:47,960 --> 00:33:51,040 Speaker 1: gallery opening, friends' birthday parties. You're going to find somebody 553 00:33:51,040 --> 00:33:54,840 Speaker 1: who is also going through their biggest heartbreak just like you, 554 00:33:55,200 --> 00:33:57,360 Speaker 1: and it's going to be your biggest comfort. And I 555 00:33:57,360 --> 00:33:59,280 Speaker 1: think it's going to be some of you guys can 556 00:33:59,320 --> 00:34:02,080 Speaker 1: always look back on, like you went through the trenches together. 557 00:34:02,400 --> 00:34:06,640 Speaker 1: You went through this really hard time together. This kind 558 00:34:06,640 --> 00:34:09,480 Speaker 1: of links to a bigger tip. In general, you really 559 00:34:09,560 --> 00:34:11,640 Speaker 1: need to get out of your head and into the 560 00:34:11,640 --> 00:34:14,279 Speaker 1: world and commit to meeting new people. You may have 561 00:34:14,400 --> 00:34:17,440 Speaker 1: lost your main connection. You know, you may have lost 562 00:34:17,640 --> 00:34:20,960 Speaker 1: this person that you love, but researchers estimate that that 563 00:34:21,040 --> 00:34:25,040 Speaker 1: relationship is worth about five smaller friendships or connections. So 564 00:34:25,080 --> 00:34:27,680 Speaker 1: what that means is that you know that's not a loss. 565 00:34:27,719 --> 00:34:30,520 Speaker 1: Now you have all this space. It's like finding a 566 00:34:30,520 --> 00:34:32,600 Speaker 1: whole new closet that you get to fill. Like, you 567 00:34:32,640 --> 00:34:35,719 Speaker 1: have all this space in your life for new connections, 568 00:34:35,800 --> 00:34:38,960 Speaker 1: new relationships. Fill the closet. Fill the closet with these 569 00:34:39,040 --> 00:34:42,439 Speaker 1: new people. That sounds really creepy. Just fill your time 570 00:34:42,480 --> 00:34:47,120 Speaker 1: and your space with connections that platonically might outlast your 571 00:34:47,239 --> 00:34:50,280 Speaker 1: next relationship or the one after that. My fourth tip 572 00:34:50,360 --> 00:34:54,120 Speaker 1: is to use the power of visualization to allow yourself 573 00:34:54,120 --> 00:34:57,480 Speaker 1: to see the relationship more clearly and also see your 574 00:34:57,560 --> 00:35:01,440 Speaker 1: future more clearly. I want you to visualize the next 575 00:35:01,800 --> 00:35:05,720 Speaker 1: five years of your life in two ways. The first 576 00:35:05,760 --> 00:35:09,520 Speaker 1: way is what would your life look like five years 577 00:35:09,560 --> 00:35:12,440 Speaker 1: from now if you'd stayed. You can write about this, 578 00:35:12,520 --> 00:35:15,080 Speaker 1: you can journal this if you need, But what would 579 00:35:15,080 --> 00:35:19,239 Speaker 1: it have looked like honestly if you had stayed? And secondly, 580 00:35:19,880 --> 00:35:22,799 Speaker 1: what do you actually want it to look like in 581 00:35:22,840 --> 00:35:26,360 Speaker 1: five years? And what do you now have the opportunity 582 00:35:26,400 --> 00:35:30,799 Speaker 1: to do because you are not in this relationship, this 583 00:35:30,920 --> 00:35:35,800 Speaker 1: exercise just asks you to be really, really honest with yourself. 584 00:35:36,640 --> 00:35:40,359 Speaker 1: There was a reason this relationship didn't work out, even 585 00:35:40,400 --> 00:35:42,799 Speaker 1: if the reason was simply because the other person wasn't 586 00:35:42,800 --> 00:35:46,560 Speaker 1: in love anymore. There are things that can't be forced, 587 00:35:46,760 --> 00:35:49,480 Speaker 1: and there are things that would have eventually eroded the 588 00:35:49,520 --> 00:35:51,640 Speaker 1: relationship would have meant that you would have broken up 589 00:35:52,000 --> 00:35:55,480 Speaker 1: further down the line, what was this relationship asking you 590 00:35:55,560 --> 00:35:58,080 Speaker 1: to be and what was it asking you to become 591 00:35:58,120 --> 00:36:00,919 Speaker 1: that maybe wasn't going to be your best? And now 592 00:36:01,000 --> 00:36:04,399 Speaker 1: that you're not in it, you now have this opportunity 593 00:36:04,840 --> 00:36:06,919 Speaker 1: to shape the next five years, the next ten years, 594 00:36:06,920 --> 00:36:10,280 Speaker 1: twenty years of your life in a whole different environment, 595 00:36:10,320 --> 00:36:13,279 Speaker 1: a whole different space, maybe in all these different relationships 596 00:36:13,320 --> 00:36:15,680 Speaker 1: and places. How are you going to go about it? 597 00:36:16,520 --> 00:36:18,680 Speaker 1: I think what this question is really asking you to 598 00:36:18,680 --> 00:36:21,680 Speaker 1: do is to just get clear on the vision for yourself. 599 00:36:22,120 --> 00:36:25,799 Speaker 1: You know, it's just you. What do you want? What 600 00:36:25,840 --> 00:36:28,000 Speaker 1: do you want to strive for? What do you want 601 00:36:28,040 --> 00:36:30,680 Speaker 1: to turn this loss into? Because there are like so 602 00:36:30,760 --> 00:36:34,080 Speaker 1: many big wins that come out of just investigating and 603 00:36:34,120 --> 00:36:36,560 Speaker 1: really questioning what do I actually want from my life, 604 00:36:36,960 --> 00:36:39,239 Speaker 1: and now you don't have somebody else in it that 605 00:36:39,280 --> 00:36:41,239 Speaker 1: you have to think about. There's just so much more 606 00:36:41,320 --> 00:36:46,920 Speaker 1: room for freedom. This really lends to my final tip 607 00:36:47,600 --> 00:36:57,360 Speaker 1: after this shot break. I think we often look for 608 00:36:57,400 --> 00:37:01,080 Speaker 1: closure in the other person, and we look for closure 609 00:37:01,080 --> 00:37:04,560 Speaker 1: in that final conversation, that final thing they're going to 610 00:37:04,600 --> 00:37:07,239 Speaker 1: say to us. It's going to make us realize why 611 00:37:07,280 --> 00:37:09,279 Speaker 1: it ended, why it was the way it was. My 612 00:37:09,840 --> 00:37:13,520 Speaker 1: final tip, I need you to write the story of 613 00:37:13,560 --> 00:37:17,480 Speaker 1: your relationship, and write the finish or the closing chapter 614 00:37:17,520 --> 00:37:21,640 Speaker 1: of your relationship for yourself as if you are telling 615 00:37:21,680 --> 00:37:25,520 Speaker 1: the story of your relationship as a folk story or 616 00:37:25,560 --> 00:37:29,560 Speaker 1: as a lesson to a younger, a younger version of 617 00:37:29,600 --> 00:37:33,760 Speaker 1: your to your future children, or almost like a fairy tale, 618 00:37:34,600 --> 00:37:37,799 Speaker 1: right at the beginning, right the middle of the relationship, 619 00:37:38,400 --> 00:37:42,400 Speaker 1: and right the end. But also write why you think 620 00:37:42,719 --> 00:37:45,480 Speaker 1: it had to happen, and maybe even if you want 621 00:37:45,520 --> 00:37:50,560 Speaker 1: to project into the future, write about why this relationship 622 00:37:50,640 --> 00:37:53,600 Speaker 1: was actually a stepping stone and what it may be 623 00:37:53,719 --> 00:37:56,640 Speaker 1: guiding you to that is bigger than you. This really 624 00:37:56,719 --> 00:38:01,080 Speaker 1: leverages the power of something we call narrative psychology. Narrative 625 00:38:01,120 --> 00:38:04,600 Speaker 1: psychology is basically the study of how We make sense 626 00:38:04,640 --> 00:38:08,280 Speaker 1: of our lives through stories, and it plays a really 627 00:38:08,520 --> 00:38:12,080 Speaker 1: powerful role in healing after a breakup. According to the 628 00:38:12,160 --> 00:38:16,440 Speaker 1: narrative psychologist Dan P. McAdams, we construct our identity through 629 00:38:16,480 --> 00:38:20,560 Speaker 1: personal narratives that link our past, present, and imagine future 630 00:38:20,560 --> 00:38:24,640 Speaker 1: into a coherent whole. And when something disrupts that story 631 00:38:24,680 --> 00:38:26,520 Speaker 1: and doesn't make sense with what we thought was going 632 00:38:26,560 --> 00:38:28,960 Speaker 1: to happen, like a breakup, that's when we experience a 633 00:38:29,000 --> 00:38:32,680 Speaker 1: lot of pain. The story is disrupted, like the plot 634 00:38:32,719 --> 00:38:37,120 Speaker 1: line that we once shared is suddenly incomplete. So writing 635 00:38:37,160 --> 00:38:39,919 Speaker 1: the story of your relationship as a lesson or from 636 00:38:39,960 --> 00:38:45,000 Speaker 1: your perspective allows you to engage in that reconstruction process, 637 00:38:45,520 --> 00:38:49,120 Speaker 1: and it allows you to really make meaning from this 638 00:38:49,280 --> 00:38:52,920 Speaker 1: grief and from this loss in a manner that is very, 639 00:38:53,000 --> 00:38:56,640 Speaker 1: very powerful. I want to give you a bonus tip 640 00:38:56,760 --> 00:39:00,479 Speaker 1: speaking of closure and healing, and I know I've talked 641 00:39:00,480 --> 00:39:03,880 Speaker 1: about this in another episode on Heartbreak, but I'm gonna 642 00:39:03,880 --> 00:39:07,160 Speaker 1: say it again. I need you to make a breakup playlist. 643 00:39:07,600 --> 00:39:10,960 Speaker 1: Maybe you already have one, but music and heartbreak are 644 00:39:11,000 --> 00:39:14,719 Speaker 1: like the perfect pairing. Twenty fourteen study actually found that 645 00:39:15,160 --> 00:39:20,200 Speaker 1: breakup songs help you heal because they promote emotional expression 646 00:39:20,280 --> 00:39:24,480 Speaker 1: and therefore give you an outlet compared to emotional suppression. 647 00:39:25,239 --> 00:39:29,000 Speaker 1: There's also this additional funny part to this tip as well, 648 00:39:29,080 --> 00:39:34,200 Speaker 1: which is that I think having a very specific breakup 649 00:39:34,239 --> 00:39:38,360 Speaker 1: playlist actually allows you to track how your response or 650 00:39:38,400 --> 00:39:41,080 Speaker 1: how your healing is going based on how you respond 651 00:39:41,160 --> 00:39:44,560 Speaker 1: to the music. So what I mean by that is 652 00:39:44,560 --> 00:39:48,719 Speaker 1: that it's often very hard to see how far you've come, 653 00:39:49,680 --> 00:39:54,960 Speaker 1: how much your grief is actually moving or healing, because 654 00:39:55,080 --> 00:39:58,839 Speaker 1: we don't always have that linear state of mind when 655 00:39:58,840 --> 00:40:03,200 Speaker 1: we're going through something really really difficult. Recently, I listened 656 00:40:03,200 --> 00:40:09,080 Speaker 1: back to my breakup playlist from that year of breakups, 657 00:40:09,120 --> 00:40:13,360 Speaker 1: and I remember listening to these songs and sobbing, and 658 00:40:13,400 --> 00:40:17,560 Speaker 1: I remember having such an emotional reaction. And I listened 659 00:40:17,600 --> 00:40:20,720 Speaker 1: to those songs the other day and I felt nothing. 660 00:40:21,360 --> 00:40:26,600 Speaker 1: I just felt I just felt neutral. I didn't feel sad, 661 00:40:26,640 --> 00:40:30,440 Speaker 1: I didn't feel nostalgic, I didn't feel excited. I just 662 00:40:30,480 --> 00:40:34,239 Speaker 1: felt nothing. And it was this really profound way of 663 00:40:34,280 --> 00:40:39,279 Speaker 1: seeing how I have changed and how I've obviously I've 664 00:40:39,680 --> 00:40:43,239 Speaker 1: very obviously healed, but how like something that I once 665 00:40:43,280 --> 00:40:45,400 Speaker 1: thought was going to define my life, and then I 666 00:40:45,480 --> 00:40:50,680 Speaker 1: was never going to recover from I did something I 667 00:40:50,760 --> 00:40:55,799 Speaker 1: thought I was never going to get over. I got over, 668 00:40:56,400 --> 00:41:02,400 Speaker 1: and my life is now so so much better. And 669 00:41:02,440 --> 00:41:05,920 Speaker 1: I think that's really where I want to kind of 670 00:41:05,920 --> 00:41:12,239 Speaker 1: finish this episode, Like it's very easy to feel pessimistic 671 00:41:12,280 --> 00:41:18,400 Speaker 1: about love, and it's very easy to feel like, because 672 00:41:18,440 --> 00:41:22,319 Speaker 1: this relationship didn't work out, I'm never going to find 673 00:41:22,320 --> 00:41:27,520 Speaker 1: anyone better. Because I'm feeling so intense and deeply pained 674 00:41:27,560 --> 00:41:30,520 Speaker 1: by the ending of this relationship, that's a sign that 675 00:41:30,560 --> 00:41:35,000 Speaker 1: this person was the one. That's just not the case. 676 00:41:35,680 --> 00:41:40,520 Speaker 1: I never thought I would feel pain, any deeper pain 677 00:41:40,600 --> 00:41:45,040 Speaker 1: than the way I did with my first boyfriend, and 678 00:41:45,080 --> 00:41:47,560 Speaker 1: then I did. I felt even more pain for somebody 679 00:41:47,560 --> 00:41:50,640 Speaker 1: who was a lot less deserving of my love, and 680 00:41:50,680 --> 00:41:54,400 Speaker 1: even then, like that actually said nothing more than that 681 00:41:55,280 --> 00:41:58,040 Speaker 1: I was just attached and it was always going to 682 00:41:58,080 --> 00:42:00,120 Speaker 1: be hard to get over. And now I'm in this 683 00:42:00,320 --> 00:42:03,480 Speaker 1: amazing relationship, and I wish that I could just sit 684 00:42:03,520 --> 00:42:08,160 Speaker 1: down with my younger self and just say, you've just 685 00:42:08,200 --> 00:42:12,000 Speaker 1: got to get through this. This is an important emotional experience, 686 00:42:12,840 --> 00:42:15,320 Speaker 1: and you're gonna find love, if not in your twenties, 687 00:42:15,360 --> 00:42:19,320 Speaker 1: if not in your thirties, eventually you will. I always 688 00:42:19,400 --> 00:42:22,600 Speaker 1: love hearing stories of people who find love a little 689 00:42:22,600 --> 00:42:25,200 Speaker 1: bit later on. I think about, you know, my aunt 690 00:42:25,480 --> 00:42:28,120 Speaker 1: who dated a terrible man for years and then at 691 00:42:28,120 --> 00:42:30,680 Speaker 1: fifty seven met like the love of her life who 692 00:42:30,719 --> 00:42:33,239 Speaker 1: she has never been more in love with and who 693 00:42:33,320 --> 00:42:38,120 Speaker 1: she just adores. Or my grandma, who you know, divorced 694 00:42:38,200 --> 00:42:42,920 Speaker 1: my grandfather in her forties and then met who I 695 00:42:42,960 --> 00:42:45,640 Speaker 1: really do consider to be my grandfather and he like 696 00:42:46,120 --> 00:42:48,520 Speaker 1: moved her to Australia and took her to Africa and 697 00:42:49,080 --> 00:42:52,040 Speaker 1: made her an important part of his business and just 698 00:42:52,080 --> 00:42:55,520 Speaker 1: thinks she's incredible at ninety years old. True love really 699 00:42:55,560 --> 00:42:59,280 Speaker 1: does exist, And sometimes I do think it's waiting behind heartbreak. 700 00:42:59,320 --> 00:43:03,360 Speaker 1: It's begging you to let go, to leave this person, 701 00:43:04,080 --> 00:43:06,200 Speaker 1: to learn as much as you can from this situation, 702 00:43:06,880 --> 00:43:08,799 Speaker 1: because it knows what else is coming. And I know 703 00:43:08,840 --> 00:43:10,680 Speaker 1: you're in so much pain right now. I know you 704 00:43:10,719 --> 00:43:14,320 Speaker 1: think you're never going to get over them. But whenever 705 00:43:14,360 --> 00:43:17,520 Speaker 1: you feel pessimistic about the future without them in it, 706 00:43:18,040 --> 00:43:20,399 Speaker 1: look for the big love stories because you will find 707 00:43:20,440 --> 00:43:24,120 Speaker 1: them and remember like your biggest love story, like you 708 00:43:24,160 --> 00:43:28,120 Speaker 1: are the love of your own life, the relationship you 709 00:43:28,120 --> 00:43:31,960 Speaker 1: have with yourself matters more than anything, and it's from 710 00:43:31,960 --> 00:43:35,239 Speaker 1: that that all other relationships form. So focus on you 711 00:43:35,320 --> 00:43:38,960 Speaker 1: for a while, focus on being so magnetic and amazing 712 00:43:39,000 --> 00:43:41,600 Speaker 1: and in love with yourself that whoever comes to the 713 00:43:41,640 --> 00:43:44,560 Speaker 1: door next, whoever you meet next, whether it's in two months, 714 00:43:44,640 --> 00:43:47,960 Speaker 1: two years, or ten years, is just going to undeniably 715 00:43:48,000 --> 00:43:50,840 Speaker 1: know that you know yourself, know that you deserve respect, 716 00:43:50,920 --> 00:43:54,520 Speaker 1: and know their feelings for you are true, and that 717 00:43:54,600 --> 00:43:56,560 Speaker 1: you're the one, and that they love you. And I'm sure, 718 00:43:57,200 --> 00:43:59,720 Speaker 1: absolutely positively, like you can take me to the bank, 719 00:44:00,040 --> 00:44:02,120 Speaker 1: that you will find somebody like that, even if you 720 00:44:02,160 --> 00:44:05,400 Speaker 1: are in the pits of sadness and despair right now. 721 00:44:05,600 --> 00:44:08,360 Speaker 1: So thank you so much for listening to this episode. 722 00:44:08,800 --> 00:44:12,080 Speaker 1: I hope that this guide has been helpful. There was 723 00:44:12,120 --> 00:44:14,719 Speaker 1: so much more I wanted to say. I had to 724 00:44:14,760 --> 00:44:19,440 Speaker 1: deliberately like just not talk about so much other stuff 725 00:44:19,480 --> 00:44:22,240 Speaker 1: I really wanted to talk about, like when you know you, 726 00:44:22,280 --> 00:44:24,360 Speaker 1: when you know it's time to date again, what to 727 00:44:24,360 --> 00:44:26,839 Speaker 1: do if somebody moves on first. But feel like we 728 00:44:26,920 --> 00:44:28,400 Speaker 1: might just have to do a part two of this 729 00:44:28,440 --> 00:44:31,759 Speaker 1: episode because I spoke for way too long. But yeah, 730 00:44:31,760 --> 00:44:34,919 Speaker 1: I'm sending you a lot of love with your little 731 00:44:34,960 --> 00:44:37,759 Speaker 1: heart broken at the moment. I'm sure you're taking very 732 00:44:37,800 --> 00:44:40,080 Speaker 1: good care of it, but I hope that you're healing, 733 00:44:40,120 --> 00:44:41,520 Speaker 1: and I hope that you're mending, and I hope that 734 00:44:41,600 --> 00:44:44,359 Speaker 1: this episode you can take something from it and put 735 00:44:44,400 --> 00:44:47,640 Speaker 1: it into practice. If you have made it this far, 736 00:44:48,680 --> 00:44:54,040 Speaker 1: leave a few emojis down below, then explain such capture 737 00:44:54,160 --> 00:44:57,560 Speaker 1: where you are in the breakup right now, and whether 738 00:44:57,600 --> 00:45:00,440 Speaker 1: you're in Wave one, Wave two, or Wave three. I 739 00:45:00,480 --> 00:45:02,239 Speaker 1: want to know I'm setting love to my Wave one, 740 00:45:02,800 --> 00:45:05,800 Speaker 1: my Wave one people. I'm sure it's very very brutal, 741 00:45:05,840 --> 00:45:08,320 Speaker 1: but yeah, leave a little comment down below the emojis 742 00:45:08,360 --> 00:45:11,000 Speaker 1: that describe your current state of mind with your breakup, 743 00:45:11,040 --> 00:45:13,560 Speaker 1: but also what wave you're in. Make sure to maybe 744 00:45:13,680 --> 00:45:16,879 Speaker 1: share this with somebody else who you think might really 745 00:45:16,920 --> 00:45:19,880 Speaker 1: need to hear it. Your breakup buddy, and follow us 746 00:45:19,880 --> 00:45:22,560 Speaker 1: as well on Instagram at that Psychology podcast if you 747 00:45:22,600 --> 00:45:25,760 Speaker 1: want to share how you're going, share how this episode 748 00:45:25,760 --> 00:45:28,319 Speaker 1: helped you, any suggestions, or if you want a part 749 00:45:28,400 --> 00:45:31,400 Speaker 1: two to this episode as well. I always love to 750 00:45:31,400 --> 00:45:32,880 Speaker 1: hear from you guys, and make sure that you are 751 00:45:32,880 --> 00:45:36,160 Speaker 1: following wherever you are listening, whether that is on Apple, 752 00:45:36,320 --> 00:45:39,040 Speaker 1: on the iHeartRadio app on Spotify so that you know 753 00:45:39,120 --> 00:45:42,400 Speaker 1: when we post new episodes. But with all that in mind, 754 00:45:42,680 --> 00:45:45,560 Speaker 1: thank you again for listening, and until next time, be safe, 755 00:45:45,600 --> 00:45:48,000 Speaker 1: be kind, be gentle to yourself, and we will talk 756 00:45:48,520 --> 00:45:49,200 Speaker 1: very very soon,