1 00:00:00,920 --> 00:00:03,480 Speaker 1: Before we begin this week's episode, please make sure to 2 00:00:03,520 --> 00:00:07,240 Speaker 1: support the PhD Podcast by clicking the Patreon link in 3 00:00:07,280 --> 00:00:09,360 Speaker 1: the short notes. Once you click the link, you'll be 4 00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:11,400 Speaker 1: able to see the different tiers and what comes with it. 5 00:00:12,080 --> 00:00:14,880 Speaker 1: Over the past couple of days, um I had a 6 00:00:14,880 --> 00:00:17,799 Speaker 1: lot of Patreon members that signed up for the Patreon account, 7 00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:21,040 Speaker 1: so shout out to Zenobia and Kenesia for seawan support. 8 00:00:21,120 --> 00:00:24,640 Speaker 1: As always, thank you all for holding me down. Oh 9 00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:26,560 Speaker 1: and don't forget to leave a five star review if 10 00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:29,080 Speaker 1: you're listening to this on your iPhone on the Apple 11 00:00:29,120 --> 00:00:31,880 Speaker 1: podcast app. So thank you all for holding me down. 12 00:00:31,960 --> 00:00:37,720 Speaker 1: And until next time later, Welcome you are now listening 13 00:00:37,800 --> 00:01:12,760 Speaker 1: to the Professional Oh hey, guys, welcome to this week's 14 00:01:12,800 --> 00:01:16,560 Speaker 1: episode of the PhD Podcast. It's your girl, eban A 15 00:01:16,680 --> 00:01:20,200 Speaker 1: and like always, I am super excited about this week's episode. 16 00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:24,240 Speaker 1: Before we begin, let's do some housekeeping. Please make sure 17 00:01:24,280 --> 00:01:27,640 Speaker 1: to follow me on Instagram at the Professional Homegirl, at 18 00:01:27,680 --> 00:01:31,679 Speaker 1: the PhD Podcast and at eban a Beauty. Follow me 19 00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:35,240 Speaker 1: on Twitter at th h E p h G Underscore 20 00:01:35,640 --> 00:01:39,280 Speaker 1: Show the website some Love at www dot the PhD 21 00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:43,800 Speaker 1: podcast dot com. If you have any questions, calmness, or concerns, 22 00:01:44,120 --> 00:01:46,399 Speaker 1: or you just want to say hey girl, Hey, please 23 00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:48,800 Speaker 1: make sure to email me at Hello at the PhD 24 00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:52,560 Speaker 1: podcast dot com. If you are listening to this episode 25 00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:55,600 Speaker 1: on an iPhone, please make sure to leave a five 26 00:01:55,600 --> 00:01:59,720 Speaker 1: star review at the bottom of the page. The podcast 27 00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:02,680 Speaker 1: is around with over one hundred five star reviews and 28 00:02:02,720 --> 00:02:05,080 Speaker 1: I have so much a story, but I cannot grow 29 00:02:05,120 --> 00:02:08,120 Speaker 1: it without my professional home girls. And also shout out 30 00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:10,280 Speaker 1: to the niggas that's listening to the podcast as well. 31 00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:14,359 Speaker 1: I appreciate y'all and I see y'all. My nigga listenership 32 00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:18,840 Speaker 1: is growing, so thank you all for listening and tuning in. Last, 33 00:02:18,880 --> 00:02:21,200 Speaker 1: but not least, I need y'all to support the PSHD 34 00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:26,360 Speaker 1: podcast by becoming a patron at www dot patreon dot com. 35 00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:30,040 Speaker 1: Patreon is spelled p A t R e O N 36 00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:33,960 Speaker 1: forward slash the PSD podcast. There are four different tiers 37 00:02:34,080 --> 00:02:36,720 Speaker 1: ranging from three dollars to twenty dollars. I have some 38 00:02:36,760 --> 00:02:40,920 Speaker 1: really dope stories that I've been working on, including a documentary, 39 00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:43,280 Speaker 1: but I need y'all to support the kids. So hold 40 00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:46,560 Speaker 1: me down. Don't hold me up, niggas. Those that's been 41 00:02:46,560 --> 00:02:50,360 Speaker 1: sliding in my d m s open up that wallet 42 00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:54,360 Speaker 1: and show me some love and support me. UM. The 43 00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:57,160 Speaker 1: link will also be available in the show notes. So 44 00:02:57,840 --> 00:02:59,680 Speaker 1: please keep in mind that all of my guests are 45 00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:03,560 Speaker 1: not this So let's begin this week's episode. So to 46 00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:09,360 Speaker 1: my guests, how are you feeling? I'm feeling good, feeling good? 47 00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:11,959 Speaker 1: How are you I'm good? You know I just clocked out, 48 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:15,960 Speaker 1: so couldn't be even more happier. There you go, there 49 00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:19,720 Speaker 1: you do. So I am a huge advocate for therapy 50 00:03:19,840 --> 00:03:21,800 Speaker 1: and I'm so elated to have you on the show 51 00:03:21,880 --> 00:03:24,680 Speaker 1: to shed light on sex therapy. So once again, thank 52 00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:30,160 Speaker 1: you so much for coming to the PhD podcast. You're welcome. 53 00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:36,040 Speaker 1: I'm very glad to be here. So when is sex therapy? Well, 54 00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:41,600 Speaker 1: sex therapy is psychotherapy or talk therapy, and it is 55 00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:48,600 Speaker 1: UM focused on generally sexual dysfunction, but also other issues 56 00:03:48,640 --> 00:03:53,040 Speaker 1: related to sexual identity UM and oftense. Sex therapy is 57 00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:56,520 Speaker 1: not It doesn't exist by itself. It's in uh conjunction 58 00:03:56,600 --> 00:03:59,760 Speaker 1: with relationship therapy of some sort. A lot of my 59 00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:04,320 Speaker 1: aience may come in for issues related to sexuality, specifically 60 00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:09,160 Speaker 1: if they're in relationship, and uh it always goes into 61 00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:13,960 Speaker 1: dealing with their relationships and how it can impact their 62 00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:17,560 Speaker 1: sexuality and vice versa. So in love ways of sex 63 00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:22,520 Speaker 1: therapy beneficial, It can be beneficial in a lot of 64 00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:26,800 Speaker 1: different ways. UM. Just thinking about the clients that I serve, 65 00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:32,000 Speaker 1: I work with individuals and those and all types of relationships. 66 00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:36,240 Speaker 1: And so because sex sexuality is so expansive, it's not 67 00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:40,520 Speaker 1: just one thing. Uh. We think about identity, We think 68 00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:44,240 Speaker 1: about um the way that we interact with each other, 69 00:04:44,279 --> 00:04:47,440 Speaker 1: and we also think about how it plays with um 70 00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:52,320 Speaker 1: our various faith backgrounds, UM. And so going to sex 71 00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:56,719 Speaker 1: therapy can help you with the sexual dysfunctions that I 72 00:04:56,760 --> 00:05:00,800 Speaker 1: mentioned earlier, but also I send to work with some 73 00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:04,760 Speaker 1: individuals who may come to me for depression or anxiety, 74 00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:11,320 Speaker 1: but they identify on the spectrums of sexuality or whether 75 00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:16,279 Speaker 1: that's a gender identity, and or even they may be polyamorous, 76 00:05:16,279 --> 00:05:19,839 Speaker 1: and they wanted therapists to understand other aspects of themselves 77 00:05:19,839 --> 00:05:22,599 Speaker 1: and they don't have to educate their therapists. Uh, with 78 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:26,320 Speaker 1: my training, I'm kind of already familiar with some of 79 00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:30,719 Speaker 1: those different things. And so uh, it can be beneficial 80 00:05:31,279 --> 00:05:36,360 Speaker 1: to help individuals deal with things that they're struggling with. 81 00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:42,359 Speaker 1: Whether that could be inability to orgasm or UH rapid ejaculation, 82 00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:48,719 Speaker 1: other sexual dysfunction, or just living in this world. You know, 83 00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:56,080 Speaker 1: it's it's tough, right about it? Now? Yes, yes, it is. 84 00:05:56,720 --> 00:05:58,599 Speaker 1: So I know that you've been in the mental health 85 00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:00,960 Speaker 1: field for quite a while now. So what made you 86 00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:05,120 Speaker 1: decide to become a sex therapist. Well, I'll started with 87 00:06:05,360 --> 00:06:10,080 Speaker 1: a very random conversation walking on campus with my line sister, 88 00:06:10,279 --> 00:06:15,880 Speaker 1: my sorority sister, UM, and it was probably maybe junior 89 00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:20,360 Speaker 1: year of college, and we were just talking about different 90 00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:23,200 Speaker 1: things that we wanted to do. We both knew we 91 00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:26,760 Speaker 1: were going to go to grad school UM, but just 92 00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:30,039 Speaker 1: you know, thinking what routes have taken. So I was 93 00:06:30,080 --> 00:06:32,839 Speaker 1: thinking about marriage and family therapy. And we went to St. 94 00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:37,760 Speaker 1: Louis University for undergrad here in St. Louis, Missouri, and 95 00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:42,400 Speaker 1: they had a joint UH Master of Social Work and 96 00:06:42,839 --> 00:06:46,120 Speaker 1: UH Master of Divinity or Master of Arts and Pastoral 97 00:06:46,160 --> 00:06:48,559 Speaker 1: Studies program, and I was looking at that and maybe 98 00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:51,760 Speaker 1: doing marriage and family therapy, and she said, well, I 99 00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:53,880 Speaker 1: think I want to be a sex therapist. I said, 100 00:06:53,880 --> 00:07:00,640 Speaker 1: oh what? And that really should planted the seed for 101 00:07:00,839 --> 00:07:04,479 Speaker 1: UM exploring it further, because I really didn't, you know, know, 102 00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:08,760 Speaker 1: much about what sex therapy was, and so we ended 103 00:07:08,839 --> 00:07:12,400 Speaker 1: up going to graduate school together. Actually, me and three 104 00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:15,600 Speaker 1: of my line sisters went to Washington University in St. 105 00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:21,200 Speaker 1: Louis to the Master of Work program, and uh, three 106 00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:24,920 Speaker 1: of us took the human sexuality class with a woman 107 00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:28,720 Speaker 1: who is one of my mentors now, who was my professor, 108 00:07:28,840 --> 00:07:31,560 Speaker 1: and she's a sex therapist in the St. Louis area, 109 00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:34,560 Speaker 1: and it really just opened my eyes. It was like, 110 00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:38,000 Speaker 1: oh wow, this is interesting. Now. I wasn't quite ready 111 00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:41,040 Speaker 1: to yet, but it was like, okay, this is this 112 00:07:41,120 --> 00:07:43,360 Speaker 1: is something. Let me keep this in the back of 113 00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:47,720 Speaker 1: my head. And so when I started my career, I 114 00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:52,080 Speaker 1: was a hospital social worker working in psychiatry and but 115 00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:54,920 Speaker 1: sex therapy it was just still there. It was always 116 00:07:54,920 --> 00:07:57,280 Speaker 1: in the back of my mind. And then I um 117 00:07:57,480 --> 00:08:02,680 Speaker 1: went to the conference for the American Association of Sexuality Educators, 118 00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:05,600 Speaker 1: Counselors and Therapists. It was in uh St. Louis in 119 00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:10,120 Speaker 1: two thousand and six, and uh, that really opened my eyes. 120 00:08:10,200 --> 00:08:13,720 Speaker 1: It was like, whoa, this is okay, I think this 121 00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:16,360 Speaker 1: is something I do. I felt a little intimidated by 122 00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:20,120 Speaker 1: the field at first because it was well a few 123 00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:22,680 Speaker 1: different reasons. One it was very white. When I went 124 00:08:22,720 --> 00:08:25,280 Speaker 1: to the conference, there were not a lot of people 125 00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:31,240 Speaker 1: that looked like me. So being very young in the field, UM, 126 00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:34,680 Speaker 1: just you know, as a very young professional. And then 127 00:08:34,760 --> 00:08:39,760 Speaker 1: also the certification was very expensive. And I don't know 128 00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:42,400 Speaker 1: if you know much about social workers, but we don't 129 00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:47,040 Speaker 1: often go into this field to make money. So I 130 00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:51,880 Speaker 1: like the job straight up, straight up. Um. And so 131 00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:54,680 Speaker 1: as a young professional, not making a lot of money, 132 00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:58,240 Speaker 1: not having any real connections in the field, and not 133 00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:01,560 Speaker 1: seeing anyone that looked like me, it really made me 134 00:09:01,679 --> 00:09:06,040 Speaker 1: question is this something that's available to me? And uh, 135 00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:08,880 Speaker 1: I continue to kind of keep it on the back burner, 136 00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:15,559 Speaker 1: but it remained a an interest for me, specifically uh 137 00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:19,840 Speaker 1: doing sex therapy from a Christian perspective. And uh I 138 00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:22,360 Speaker 1: went back to the conference and and saw some more 139 00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:24,760 Speaker 1: people who look like me and felt a little bit 140 00:09:25,040 --> 00:09:28,680 Speaker 1: more at home, and made some connections and started my 141 00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:33,880 Speaker 1: UM process towards certification and just really got a lot 142 00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:38,480 Speaker 1: of education, made a lot of connections with people in 143 00:09:38,520 --> 00:09:42,600 Speaker 1: the field, and here I am today. Wait, so do 144 00:09:42,679 --> 00:09:47,679 Speaker 1: you specialize in anything in particularly well, so, most of 145 00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:52,560 Speaker 1: my training is sexuality and relationship therapy. Uh. But and 146 00:09:52,679 --> 00:09:56,920 Speaker 1: I do have um some background in theology. I was 147 00:09:56,960 --> 00:10:01,480 Speaker 1: a theology miner in undergrad and and I've also taken 148 00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:05,679 Speaker 1: yeah you know, you know, people like paper, people like 149 00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:11,160 Speaker 1: and so yeah, straight up, and so I also took 150 00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:17,080 Speaker 1: a few seminary classes just to have the the foundation 151 00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:20,280 Speaker 1: to provide therapy from a Christian perspective if it is 152 00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:23,839 Speaker 1: requested by my clients, and sometimes it is, and even 153 00:10:23,880 --> 00:10:27,880 Speaker 1: even if it's not. When I work with clients who 154 00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:32,800 Speaker 1: come from uh some type of faith background, when they're able, 155 00:10:33,280 --> 00:10:35,880 Speaker 1: when when they want to reference things, I can give 156 00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:40,440 Speaker 1: some some um, some framework in a safe space for 157 00:10:40,480 --> 00:10:42,679 Speaker 1: them to kind of wrestle with scripture and what does 158 00:10:42,720 --> 00:10:45,720 Speaker 1: it say and what does that mean to me? UM. 159 00:10:45,760 --> 00:10:50,679 Speaker 1: I provide therapy that is affirming, not just accepting. So 160 00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:54,000 Speaker 1: that means that I affirm your existence as God's creation. 161 00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:56,720 Speaker 1: I don't think that you're a mistake. I don't think 162 00:10:56,760 --> 00:11:01,600 Speaker 1: that UM, who you love and UM, how you identify 163 00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:07,080 Speaker 1: as anything against how God created you. Even if you 164 00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:10,520 Speaker 1: were UM, the gender that you were assigned at birth 165 00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:14,360 Speaker 1: is not the gender uh that you currently identify. I 166 00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:17,360 Speaker 1: don't think that's a mistake. I think that's how you 167 00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:20,560 Speaker 1: know God intended for you to be even even with 168 00:11:20,679 --> 00:11:24,640 Speaker 1: wrestling with that. And I think that we can um 169 00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:33,880 Speaker 1: learn to accept and affirm each other's existence as God's creation. UM. 170 00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:37,240 Speaker 1: And so like I said, I work with individuals and 171 00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:42,079 Speaker 1: those who UM are in all types of relationships, as 172 00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:45,920 Speaker 1: well as those who identify along the spectrums of gender 173 00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:51,840 Speaker 1: identity and sexuality. UM. And you know a lot of 174 00:11:51,840 --> 00:11:53,960 Speaker 1: these folks go to church and they love the same 175 00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:58,160 Speaker 1: God and the same Jesus I do. And so yeah, 176 00:11:58,200 --> 00:12:00,960 Speaker 1: and I UM, like I said, I have an affirming space, 177 00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:03,600 Speaker 1: not just accepting, because you know, some starts to sell 178 00:12:03,679 --> 00:12:06,559 Speaker 1: me like we accept everybody, and then they'll have a 179 00:12:08,840 --> 00:12:11,080 Speaker 1: listen and that have a servant selling folks that they're 180 00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:13,240 Speaker 1: they're going to hell because of who they love. I'm like, no, 181 00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:16,079 Speaker 1: that ain't it. That ain't it hard me. But that's 182 00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:18,440 Speaker 1: my reason why I really like your blog. That read 183 00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:21,200 Speaker 1: her entire blog, and if for those who are interesting 184 00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:23,720 Speaker 1: read in her blog, please make sure to email me 185 00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:26,600 Speaker 1: and hello at the PhD podcast dot com. But I 186 00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:29,800 Speaker 1: really like that blog because I liked how you connected 187 00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:33,360 Speaker 1: certain vibra scriptures where things that people go through right now. 188 00:12:33,760 --> 00:12:36,120 Speaker 1: And I think that's why I think I was so 189 00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:37,880 Speaker 1: drawn to you because I'm like, oh, this is relatable, 190 00:12:37,920 --> 00:12:39,920 Speaker 1: like I can understand even more so I thought that 191 00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:43,600 Speaker 1: was pretty dope. Thank you, thank you. I haven't written 192 00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:46,120 Speaker 1: in a while, but like, I've had a lot of 193 00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:50,000 Speaker 1: life changes that kind of took me from writing and 194 00:12:50,679 --> 00:12:53,640 Speaker 1: doing some creative things I was doing. But I'm hoping 195 00:12:53,679 --> 00:12:57,920 Speaker 1: to get back to it. But yeah, like, really making 196 00:12:58,400 --> 00:13:03,080 Speaker 1: guys were relatable is a passion of mine. I'm not 197 00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:06,839 Speaker 1: a minister, but I think that we all have opportunities 198 00:13:06,880 --> 00:13:10,800 Speaker 1: to minister, and I think that my my way of 199 00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:13,959 Speaker 1: doing that is through therapy. You know, my place ain't 200 00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:18,120 Speaker 1: in the pool pit, but um, in my office. I 201 00:13:18,280 --> 00:13:22,320 Speaker 1: make sure that it is an affirming space and accepting space, 202 00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:26,959 Speaker 1: a space that you feel safe to share and uh 203 00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:33,200 Speaker 1: and grow and sometimes growth ain't comfortable, right, listen, listen, 204 00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:37,600 Speaker 1: but I hope to provide a safe space where you 205 00:13:37,679 --> 00:13:42,240 Speaker 1: can wrestle with those things. Are there any misconceptions about 206 00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:49,520 Speaker 1: being a sex therapist? Oh? Yes, so so I Uh, 207 00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:55,160 Speaker 1: I grew up in church and um, when people are like, oh, 208 00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:58,480 Speaker 1: she's a sex therapist, so like wait what So a 209 00:13:58,520 --> 00:14:03,000 Speaker 1: lot of times people they don't understand that sex therapy 210 00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:07,760 Speaker 1: or sexuality and relationship therapy is talk therapy. Um, And 211 00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:10,559 Speaker 1: I explain, you know, I'm not a sex worker, although 212 00:14:10,559 --> 00:14:13,160 Speaker 1: I'm not down to sex workers because it's valuable work. 213 00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:17,600 Speaker 1: But but that's not my lane. And so I explained, 214 00:14:17,679 --> 00:14:21,920 Speaker 1: I'm doing talk therapy. Um, I'm giving homework assignments. We're 215 00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:25,320 Speaker 1: not doing that stuff in my office. Um, you know, 216 00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:29,840 Speaker 1: as part of my code of ethics, I'm not touching nobody. Um, 217 00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:34,120 Speaker 1: but right, right, but I may give you assignments where 218 00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:37,120 Speaker 1: you're touching yourself for you and your partner touching each 219 00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:39,360 Speaker 1: other whatever, But like, we're not doing none of that 220 00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:46,560 Speaker 1: in my office. So that that's probably the biggest misconception. Um, 221 00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:49,040 Speaker 1: I'm having sex with clients and it's like, nah, that 222 00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:54,440 Speaker 1: ain't that Ain't it all right? So that's one. Another 223 00:14:54,560 --> 00:15:01,800 Speaker 1: one is that um, people will assume, um, certain things 224 00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:07,680 Speaker 1: about my own sexuality because I'm a sex theorist. So um, 225 00:15:07,720 --> 00:15:12,640 Speaker 1: when I uh, I'm a I'm a with all. My 226 00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:15,320 Speaker 1: husband passed away about four years ago, and so when 227 00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:19,360 Speaker 1: I so when, which is kind of why I haven't written, 228 00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:23,000 Speaker 1: I haven't done videos and stuff like that. Great, Um, 229 00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:27,280 Speaker 1: but when I decided to start dating again. I purposefully 230 00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:30,960 Speaker 1: did not tell people I was a sex therapist because 231 00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:33,960 Speaker 1: guys wouldn't mean to think, oh, you were sex therapist, 232 00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:36,960 Speaker 1: so you were free and it's like, I mean that 233 00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:43,520 Speaker 1: ain't for you, so listen. One thing they always got 234 00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:54,800 Speaker 1: is the audacity. Okay, the nerve, the nerve, the unmitigated goal. Listen. Yeah. So, 235 00:15:55,160 --> 00:15:58,520 Speaker 1: um so that's another misconception to like, people have certain 236 00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:01,640 Speaker 1: assumptions about my own set stuality because of the type 237 00:16:01,680 --> 00:16:04,320 Speaker 1: of work that I do. Um. So when I did 238 00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:07,560 Speaker 1: start dating, I would say I'm a relationship therapistor. I 239 00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:11,960 Speaker 1: just say I'm a therapist or a psychotherapist because you know, 240 00:16:12,440 --> 00:16:15,800 Speaker 1: let's work through some other stuff first before we get 241 00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:19,800 Speaker 1: to that, right. Um. How important is it for like 242 00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:23,960 Speaker 1: churches and other faith community to discuss sex and sexuality 243 00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:27,880 Speaker 1: in a healthy way? Oh we oh we Jesus, it 244 00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:33,440 Speaker 1: is and it is an it is imperative. Um. I 245 00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:39,920 Speaker 1: think about how so many people have learned so many 246 00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:43,720 Speaker 1: negative things about sex and sexuality that we end up 247 00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:50,400 Speaker 1: wrestling with In my office, for example, there's one person 248 00:16:50,680 --> 00:16:55,640 Speaker 1: who is pretty well known in some Christian circles, and 249 00:16:56,600 --> 00:17:00,560 Speaker 1: she recently put something about how she felt that oral 250 00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:06,040 Speaker 1: sex was nasty and dirty, and if he's hitting it right, 251 00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:10,919 Speaker 1: he doesn't need to lick it. So like, girl, okay, 252 00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:15,280 Speaker 1: first of all, you're tripping. Second of all, if you 253 00:17:15,280 --> 00:17:18,359 Speaker 1: ain't gonna be liking it, now listen, and and so 254 00:17:18,680 --> 00:17:23,320 Speaker 1: like honestly taking it to basic anatomy, right, um, helping 255 00:17:23,359 --> 00:17:27,720 Speaker 1: people to understand that the clitterest is where it's at. 256 00:17:28,320 --> 00:17:32,760 Speaker 1: Most people with volva's need to have some type of 257 00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:36,680 Speaker 1: cliteral stimulation in order to have an orgasm, and through 258 00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:39,960 Speaker 1: penetrative penis and vagina sex, a lot of times you're 259 00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:44,960 Speaker 1: not getting that clteral stimulation and so uh yeah, now 260 00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:47,600 Speaker 1: you make it some critical stimulation because the clarteres is 261 00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:50,520 Speaker 1: kind of it has legs that extend around the vaginal 262 00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:53,520 Speaker 1: open egg and extend back like you're getting some but 263 00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:56,560 Speaker 1: you know a lot of folks with both of us 264 00:17:56,600 --> 00:18:00,840 Speaker 1: need direct stimulation and that's not happening and you know 265 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:07,440 Speaker 1: usually during uh, during penis and vagina intercourse. So um 266 00:18:07,560 --> 00:18:11,000 Speaker 1: that just like basic anatomy, explain it to you how 267 00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:14,200 Speaker 1: your body works. And then also like if you want 268 00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:17,840 Speaker 1: to go to scripture, thinking about how someone thirty nine 269 00:18:17,840 --> 00:18:25,160 Speaker 1: talks about how you are wonderfully give them to go ahead, 270 00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:30,960 Speaker 1: go ahead? What's the where where from some one thirty nine. 271 00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:34,080 Speaker 1: That's the that's the song that talks about how you 272 00:18:34,119 --> 00:18:38,920 Speaker 1: know you're knitted in your mother's womb and you're wonderfully 273 00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:43,720 Speaker 1: beautifully created, right and so um, if God created me, 274 00:18:43,840 --> 00:18:46,840 Speaker 1: God also created my clitterers. And the thing about the 275 00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:49,720 Speaker 1: planners this is that it is the only part of 276 00:18:49,760 --> 00:18:54,000 Speaker 1: our body that is made specifically for pleasure. It serves 277 00:18:54,040 --> 00:18:58,200 Speaker 1: no other purpose. And so I think about within most churches, 278 00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:04,760 Speaker 1: most messages we get about sex don't focus on pleasure. 279 00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:10,200 Speaker 1: They focus on how sex is something that should be 280 00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:14,240 Speaker 1: within the confines of marriage. Don't have it until you 281 00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:16,920 Speaker 1: get married, because God will not be pleased with you, 282 00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:19,439 Speaker 1: and God may not honor your marriage if you have 283 00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:24,359 Speaker 1: sex before. And so we have these negative messages. And 284 00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:26,919 Speaker 1: what I see, you know, whether it's in my office 285 00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:30,960 Speaker 1: or just talking with friends that had similar backgrounds, we 286 00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:33,760 Speaker 1: get these messages that sex is bad. Sex is bad. 287 00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:36,560 Speaker 1: So you may wait until you get married, and then 288 00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:39,280 Speaker 1: you get married, but there's no magical switch that says 289 00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:42,040 Speaker 1: sex is good. Not can swing from the chandelier. How 290 00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:44,399 Speaker 1: I'm a swaine from the change You ain't taught me 291 00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:46,360 Speaker 1: how to swing, You ain't taught me how to stretch, 292 00:19:47,119 --> 00:19:52,840 Speaker 1: uh to get listen, listen, you ain't taught me nothing 293 00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:56,760 Speaker 1: about it. But I'm just expected. And then it's that 294 00:19:56,880 --> 00:19:59,119 Speaker 1: other message of what if you don't have sex with 295 00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:02,240 Speaker 1: your husband, he find somebody else that will. And it's 296 00:20:02,280 --> 00:20:05,680 Speaker 1: just like, uh, we we learned so many negative things 297 00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:11,440 Speaker 1: about sex, but nothing about honoring this wonderful gift of God. 298 00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:15,840 Speaker 1: Nothing about honoring or or understanding how our bodies work 299 00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:20,400 Speaker 1: so that we can enjoy it. Um. Yeah, So it's 300 00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:24,879 Speaker 1: so important that we have messages that within our faith 301 00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:29,720 Speaker 1: communities that are focused on pleasure, that are focused on uh, 302 00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:34,879 Speaker 1: the gift that sexuality is, and that it is not 303 00:20:35,280 --> 00:20:41,080 Speaker 1: just penis and vagina. We got a whole body body, 304 00:20:41,560 --> 00:20:47,720 Speaker 1: you know, got a half right right right right, So 305 00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:50,960 Speaker 1: so yeah, it's it's imperative that we talk about it 306 00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:58,080 Speaker 1: in safe spaces that um, that honored the gift. But 307 00:20:58,160 --> 00:21:00,480 Speaker 1: why do you think God has taken out out of 308 00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:03,480 Speaker 1: the equation when it comes to sex. Oh, it's a 309 00:21:03,520 --> 00:21:06,320 Speaker 1: few different reasons. So, um, some of this is fresh 310 00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:09,840 Speaker 1: because I just uh finished writing a book chapter um 311 00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:14,919 Speaker 1: for books that is h Uh, every chapter is written 312 00:21:14,920 --> 00:21:17,720 Speaker 1: by a person of color, and it's specifically about sex therapy. 313 00:21:17,760 --> 00:21:21,960 Speaker 1: And so my chapter talks about um sexuality and Christianity 314 00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:25,880 Speaker 1: and really embracing the erotic, embracing erapticism, looking at Audrey 315 00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:31,520 Speaker 1: Lord's work. And so make sure you send that to please. Yeah, 316 00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:37,040 Speaker 1: for sure, for sure, Um, I think that. And it 317 00:21:37,160 --> 00:21:42,520 Speaker 1: goes back to um, the Church fathers and when Christianity 318 00:21:42,680 --> 00:21:46,960 Speaker 1: was shared. And so if you look at uh, pre 319 00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:55,320 Speaker 1: Christian Judaism, the body was not so separate from the spirit, right, um, 320 00:21:56,080 --> 00:22:00,320 Speaker 1: we it was like one one being like that. There 321 00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:04,639 Speaker 1: were certain parts, but it wasn't that. Um, your body 322 00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:09,600 Speaker 1: is wicked. So when Christianity began to be spread, you 323 00:22:09,720 --> 00:22:13,000 Speaker 1: look at like the Church father Saint Augustine, but also 324 00:22:13,080 --> 00:22:18,040 Speaker 1: looking at the philosophies of the day, which were influenced 325 00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:22,960 Speaker 1: by Platonic and neo Platonic thought, and so that thought 326 00:22:23,119 --> 00:22:26,320 Speaker 1: really separated it was it was the idea that in 327 00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:29,480 Speaker 1: order to be closer to God, you had to be 328 00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:34,239 Speaker 1: further away from your body, or further away from your flesh. 329 00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:38,360 Speaker 1: And in doing that, that's why it's I think that's 330 00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:41,760 Speaker 1: one thing that really influenced how we think about God 331 00:22:42,440 --> 00:22:45,840 Speaker 1: and why it is so hard within Christianity for us 332 00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:50,200 Speaker 1: to marry the two to understand that sexuality and and 333 00:22:50,320 --> 00:22:56,480 Speaker 1: expressions of your sexuality can be a divine experience. Um. 334 00:22:56,680 --> 00:22:59,200 Speaker 1: The only I do want to say the only time, 335 00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:00,680 Speaker 1: but a lot of time I hear it in the 336 00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:03,840 Speaker 1: negative sense, like people talk about soul ties and that 337 00:23:03,840 --> 00:23:09,040 Speaker 1: ain't biblical. Um. But but you know that that's where 338 00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:12,879 Speaker 1: we hear about it, right, you know, that's spiritual experience. 339 00:23:12,960 --> 00:23:16,160 Speaker 1: And if you have sex with this person and it's 340 00:23:16,240 --> 00:23:19,360 Speaker 1: not you know your mate of the person got intended 341 00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:23,160 Speaker 1: for you, that you're connected to them forever um and 342 00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:25,640 Speaker 1: every other person that they had sex with. And like 343 00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:28,680 Speaker 1: I said, that ain't biblical, Like it's some people think 344 00:23:28,720 --> 00:23:31,560 Speaker 1: it sounds good. You know, some people have built their 345 00:23:31,720 --> 00:23:36,000 Speaker 1: entire ministries on this idea, but it ain't biblical and 346 00:23:36,080 --> 00:23:41,520 Speaker 1: so um, yeah, it goes back to when Christianity began 347 00:23:41,640 --> 00:23:44,359 Speaker 1: to be spread. The thought and the philosophy at the 348 00:23:44,400 --> 00:23:48,280 Speaker 1: time was platonic and neo platonic thought, and it's separated 349 00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:53,560 Speaker 1: the body from the divine um. And yeah, that that's 350 00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:55,680 Speaker 1: where it stems from. But we just kind of kept 351 00:23:55,760 --> 00:23:59,359 Speaker 1: rolling with it. If I listen to my next question. 352 00:23:59,440 --> 00:24:03,800 Speaker 1: I'm just serious. Do you receive a lot of slacks? Um, 353 00:24:03,840 --> 00:24:11,000 Speaker 1: maybe not to my face. Uh, I don't. Um, honestly 354 00:24:11,280 --> 00:24:15,359 Speaker 1: a lot. I've gotten a lot of support that I 355 00:24:15,480 --> 00:24:20,879 Speaker 1: wasn't did you know, thank you, thank you. But yeah, 356 00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:24,639 Speaker 1: I've received a lot of support which I I was 357 00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:30,879 Speaker 1: surprised to receive, specifically within the church. And so, UM, 358 00:24:30,920 --> 00:24:33,959 Speaker 1: there are a few organizations that I'm involved with, like 359 00:24:34,119 --> 00:24:38,960 Speaker 1: one UM, which is a youth organization, And because I 360 00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:42,480 Speaker 1: grew up in the organization, they trust me and they 361 00:24:42,520 --> 00:24:44,840 Speaker 1: know I the same guy as them. So it's like, Okay, 362 00:24:44,880 --> 00:24:46,920 Speaker 1: I trust that what you're going to say to these 363 00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:50,280 Speaker 1: kids is going to be fruitful. And then and one 364 00:24:50,320 --> 00:24:53,600 Speaker 1: of the founders of the organization, UM, I know she 365 00:24:53,720 --> 00:24:57,840 Speaker 1: may have received some pushback for talking about sex and 366 00:24:57,880 --> 00:25:01,879 Speaker 1: sexuality or having me talk about it, but she said, well, 367 00:25:01,880 --> 00:25:04,280 Speaker 1: I'll never forget that. She said, I'm tired of burying 368 00:25:04,320 --> 00:25:11,600 Speaker 1: my babies from having HIV. But so like, yeah, I'm 369 00:25:11,640 --> 00:25:15,800 Speaker 1: gonna tell them. You know, I believe the Bible says 370 00:25:15,840 --> 00:25:17,800 Speaker 1: you should wait until you're married to have sex, but 371 00:25:17,840 --> 00:25:20,280 Speaker 1: they're not waiting, and so obviously we need to talk 372 00:25:20,280 --> 00:25:23,280 Speaker 1: about it, and and I was like, right on. So 373 00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:28,639 Speaker 1: I will say that whenever I speak to various groups, 374 00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:33,800 Speaker 1: specifically UH faith organizations, I make sure that my message 375 00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:41,439 Speaker 1: is respectful of the UH messages of that church or 376 00:25:41,520 --> 00:25:45,640 Speaker 1: of that ministry. However, I'm always a hundred percent true 377 00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:49,800 Speaker 1: to myself and true to my own message. So if 378 00:25:51,160 --> 00:25:55,880 Speaker 1: thank you so. For example, I know that some organizations 379 00:25:56,040 --> 00:26:00,359 Speaker 1: talk about abstinence, and um, you know, they may believe 380 00:26:00,440 --> 00:26:03,399 Speaker 1: that that's, you know, the plan that you should follow. 381 00:26:03,920 --> 00:26:07,639 Speaker 1: So if they're bringing me in to do some type 382 00:26:07,680 --> 00:26:13,280 Speaker 1: of workshop or education or whatever, I'll go along with. UM, 383 00:26:13,560 --> 00:26:18,320 Speaker 1: not necessarily go along with I will respect their constraints. Um, 384 00:26:18,359 --> 00:26:21,880 Speaker 1: But if someone asked me a question, I'm not going 385 00:26:21,960 --> 00:26:27,920 Speaker 1: to lie. Does that make sense? So I agree, Yeah, 386 00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:30,560 Speaker 1: So I'm I'm always true to myself, but I'm I'm 387 00:26:30,640 --> 00:26:35,760 Speaker 1: a respectful of the house because you don't have to comment. 388 00:26:35,800 --> 00:26:37,399 Speaker 1: But if somebody ask you a question, you're gonna have 389 00:26:37,400 --> 00:26:41,560 Speaker 1: to say something. Yeah. And and oftentimes so specifically with 390 00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:45,920 Speaker 1: the youth organization. UM, if I got asked the question 391 00:26:46,800 --> 00:26:51,879 Speaker 1: UM that where I know my answer would probably be 392 00:26:52,119 --> 00:26:56,119 Speaker 1: very different than what they're taught at their church. I 393 00:26:56,160 --> 00:27:00,800 Speaker 1: would encourage them for UM, I would encourage them to 394 00:27:00,880 --> 00:27:06,520 Speaker 1: do some self study, to study to show yourself approved. UM. 395 00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:09,760 Speaker 1: I would encourage them to talk with their faith leaders 396 00:27:10,359 --> 00:27:13,440 Speaker 1: about what it is that you know, they believe at 397 00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:16,480 Speaker 1: their church, but then also to go back to the 398 00:27:16,480 --> 00:27:19,960 Speaker 1: world for themselves. And you know, I want to wrestle 399 00:27:20,040 --> 00:27:25,720 Speaker 1: with that. I think some um, unfortunately, some places of 400 00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:29,439 Speaker 1: worship do not encourage self study. It's just like you know, 401 00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:32,600 Speaker 1: at this and this is what we're gonna go along with. 402 00:27:33,160 --> 00:27:35,680 Speaker 1: I don't know but that I think that you need 403 00:27:35,760 --> 00:27:39,280 Speaker 1: to study and educate yourself, UM, so that you can 404 00:27:39,320 --> 00:27:42,360 Speaker 1: come up with your own understanding of things. I think 405 00:27:42,359 --> 00:27:45,720 Speaker 1: it's important to have good and clear direction because sometimes 406 00:27:45,760 --> 00:27:49,520 Speaker 1: like we can go astray. However, UM, if you have 407 00:27:49,640 --> 00:27:52,919 Speaker 1: the ability to read and understand and comprehend, then I 408 00:27:52,960 --> 00:27:57,880 Speaker 1: think that you should use that some you know, some 409 00:27:57,920 --> 00:28:00,399 Speaker 1: people that's covering the blood the lamb don't be playing 410 00:28:00,400 --> 00:28:07,600 Speaker 1: now particular. Thank you, So a lot of my listeners 411 00:28:07,600 --> 00:28:10,639 Speaker 1: were finis to ask you all these crazy questions. But 412 00:28:10,800 --> 00:28:13,120 Speaker 1: before we jump into the juicy stuff. UM, one thing 413 00:28:13,160 --> 00:28:15,280 Speaker 1: that I really like about your blog is how you 414 00:28:15,320 --> 00:28:18,720 Speaker 1: promote the importance of being comfortable in your own skin, 415 00:28:19,560 --> 00:28:22,400 Speaker 1: and I'm pretty sure you do that with your clients 416 00:28:22,440 --> 00:28:26,119 Speaker 1: as well. So why is that important, especially when engaging 417 00:28:26,119 --> 00:28:30,800 Speaker 1: in sex with someone. I think a lot of times 418 00:28:31,480 --> 00:28:39,200 Speaker 1: people are taught that, specifically women within faith communities are 419 00:28:39,360 --> 00:28:43,920 Speaker 1: taught that, UM, you really don't have to explore your 420 00:28:43,960 --> 00:28:47,600 Speaker 1: own sexuality because when you get married, your husband will 421 00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:52,920 Speaker 1: know what to do. UM. However, we know that to 422 00:28:53,040 --> 00:28:55,800 Speaker 1: not be true, right, UM, it's important that you know 423 00:28:55,880 --> 00:29:00,240 Speaker 1: your body. You live in this house. It does it 424 00:29:00,400 --> 00:29:03,520 Speaker 1: make sense for you not to know where the outlets are. 425 00:29:04,960 --> 00:29:10,160 Speaker 1: You gotta you gotta know what times you on, what 426 00:29:10,200 --> 00:29:15,000 Speaker 1: times you off what, UM, what you like, what you 427 00:29:15,080 --> 00:29:17,280 Speaker 1: might like, what you might be open to, what you 428 00:29:17,400 --> 00:29:21,560 Speaker 1: might not be open to, and all of that. UM. 429 00:29:21,680 --> 00:29:26,360 Speaker 1: So that you can teach your partners how to love 430 00:29:26,440 --> 00:29:30,640 Speaker 1: you and love on you and they love to you. UM, 431 00:29:30,680 --> 00:29:35,600 Speaker 1: not just expecting your partner to figure it out by osmosis. 432 00:29:35,640 --> 00:29:39,200 Speaker 1: We have words and we can use them, you know, 433 00:29:39,880 --> 00:29:42,880 Speaker 1: and UM, I think that Unfortunately, a lot of times 434 00:29:42,880 --> 00:29:45,560 Speaker 1: we're expecting our partners to be mind readers, and life 435 00:29:45,600 --> 00:29:49,360 Speaker 1: don't work like that. UM. Our partners are not always 436 00:29:49,400 --> 00:29:52,680 Speaker 1: as intuitive, So we have to be very clear about Okay, 437 00:29:52,760 --> 00:29:57,720 Speaker 1: you know, I don't like when you touched me this way, 438 00:29:57,760 --> 00:30:00,840 Speaker 1: but I really like when you touch me this way. 439 00:30:01,120 --> 00:30:05,959 Speaker 1: And so it's important to be comfortable at home in 440 00:30:06,000 --> 00:30:11,840 Speaker 1: your body to to and and also another thing, being 441 00:30:11,920 --> 00:30:16,600 Speaker 1: present in your body gives you more space to experience pleasure. 442 00:30:17,280 --> 00:30:21,479 Speaker 1: When you are thinking about a whole bunch of other stuff. 443 00:30:21,480 --> 00:30:23,960 Speaker 1: You're worried about the laundry that needs to be folded, 444 00:30:24,000 --> 00:30:27,360 Speaker 1: the paper you gotta write, the grocery shop and that 445 00:30:27,440 --> 00:30:30,320 Speaker 1: needs to be done. You're not in your body to 446 00:30:30,560 --> 00:30:36,360 Speaker 1: experience pleasure. And so part of being comfortable with your 447 00:30:36,400 --> 00:30:40,000 Speaker 1: body helps with that mindfulness, part that that part of 448 00:30:40,040 --> 00:30:43,040 Speaker 1: just just really being present in the moment. So all 449 00:30:43,080 --> 00:30:48,640 Speaker 1: of that is is what helps to be comfortable in 450 00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:50,880 Speaker 1: your body and be at home in your body. In 451 00:30:50,920 --> 00:30:55,720 Speaker 1: addition to promoting positive body image. Um, how important is 452 00:30:55,720 --> 00:31:03,880 Speaker 1: it for people, especially women to put themselves first? So 453 00:31:04,480 --> 00:31:09,200 Speaker 1: I think that that's a lot. I think that I 454 00:31:09,280 --> 00:31:14,320 Speaker 1: was talking to my homie, she's a wonderful sexuality therapist, 455 00:31:14,760 --> 00:31:19,080 Speaker 1: but I was talking to her yesterday. Yeah, we were 456 00:31:19,120 --> 00:31:25,080 Speaker 1: talking about how a lot of times people will glorify martyrdom. 457 00:31:25,120 --> 00:31:33,000 Speaker 1: They'll glorify Um, you know self sacrifice, but the thing 458 00:31:33,040 --> 00:31:36,040 Speaker 1: about it is like you can, you can sacrifice yourself 459 00:31:36,080 --> 00:31:38,320 Speaker 1: and make sure everybody else has what they need, but 460 00:31:38,360 --> 00:31:42,800 Speaker 1: who's making sure you have what you need? Where are 461 00:31:42,840 --> 00:31:49,280 Speaker 1: your needs getting met? And it's just important that because like, yes, 462 00:31:49,400 --> 00:31:53,200 Speaker 1: of course, you may have to put someone else's needs 463 00:31:53,200 --> 00:31:56,960 Speaker 1: before yours. I think that's part of relationships. But there 464 00:31:57,000 --> 00:32:00,840 Speaker 1: has to be yes exactly. There has to be trust 465 00:32:00,960 --> 00:32:02,960 Speaker 1: that that person is going to make sure you have 466 00:32:03,120 --> 00:32:06,120 Speaker 1: what you need. And then if that trust is not 467 00:32:06,320 --> 00:32:09,720 Speaker 1: there or you're not you know, in that type of situation, 468 00:32:09,760 --> 00:32:11,960 Speaker 1: then you have to make sure that your needs are met. 469 00:32:13,440 --> 00:32:17,000 Speaker 1: People look at being they look at it as being selfish, 470 00:32:17,040 --> 00:32:21,719 Speaker 1: and I look at it as self preservation. I know 471 00:32:21,760 --> 00:32:25,480 Speaker 1: a lot of people, including my self, stay and destructive relationships, 472 00:32:25,840 --> 00:32:28,800 Speaker 1: and there can be so many reasons, especially just being comfortable. 473 00:32:29,200 --> 00:32:30,720 Speaker 1: So what do you say to that, because I know 474 00:32:30,800 --> 00:32:38,000 Speaker 1: you did a blog post on that and I was like, facts, yeah, yeah, 475 00:32:38,360 --> 00:32:42,920 Speaker 1: I think a lot of times people are um they 476 00:32:43,000 --> 00:32:47,640 Speaker 1: stay for comfort, that say, because it's what I know, 477 00:32:48,960 --> 00:32:53,760 Speaker 1: and not being in this destructive situation, I don't know 478 00:32:53,840 --> 00:32:58,840 Speaker 1: what that's like. And unfortunately a lot of people have 479 00:32:59,000 --> 00:33:03,160 Speaker 1: been taught the idea of at least I'm with somebody 480 00:33:03,760 --> 00:33:07,800 Speaker 1: like that, that is what gives me value because somebody 481 00:33:07,880 --> 00:33:12,160 Speaker 1: wants me. At least I'm with somebody. UM when it 482 00:33:12,360 --> 00:33:17,160 Speaker 1: is important that you don't uh define yourself by the 483 00:33:17,280 --> 00:33:19,920 Speaker 1: roles that you play for other people because those roles 484 00:33:19,920 --> 00:33:25,400 Speaker 1: have changed. I think about how when my husband passed away, 485 00:33:25,440 --> 00:33:27,840 Speaker 1: one of the biggest things that I had to do 486 00:33:28,520 --> 00:33:32,760 Speaker 1: was to learn to define myself for myself outside of 487 00:33:32,800 --> 00:33:37,280 Speaker 1: the roles that I played for people. Because for um, 488 00:33:37,440 --> 00:33:40,440 Speaker 1: we were together seven years before we got married, and 489 00:33:40,440 --> 00:33:43,160 Speaker 1: then we were we were married for almost four years, 490 00:33:43,840 --> 00:33:50,160 Speaker 1: and um, so for that long I was Alan's girlfriend 491 00:33:50,240 --> 00:33:53,200 Speaker 1: and Alan's fiance than Alan's wife. Then all of a sudden, 492 00:33:53,240 --> 00:33:57,000 Speaker 1: I wasn't none of that, and so I had to 493 00:33:57,040 --> 00:33:59,800 Speaker 1: make sure that I defined myself for just by the 494 00:34:00,000 --> 00:34:03,160 Speaker 1: old that I played with someone else. So making sure 495 00:34:03,240 --> 00:34:10,160 Speaker 1: that you have that um differentiation, that identity outside of 496 00:34:10,320 --> 00:34:12,480 Speaker 1: what you do for us, because what you do, you know, 497 00:34:12,600 --> 00:34:15,200 Speaker 1: the saying what you do for Christ will last, and 498 00:34:15,280 --> 00:34:18,080 Speaker 1: I agree with that, but you still gotta figure out 499 00:34:18,120 --> 00:34:20,239 Speaker 1: who you are outside of what you do for us. 500 00:34:21,040 --> 00:34:24,360 Speaker 1: You have to. It's imperative because those roles change his 501 00:34:24,480 --> 00:34:28,839 Speaker 1: PASSI change your thoughts or your ideas on certain things, 502 00:34:28,880 --> 00:34:35,520 Speaker 1: especially when they present to see. Your job changed a lot. 503 00:34:36,480 --> 00:34:41,280 Speaker 1: Oh yeah, yeah. So like specifically because I provide sex 504 00:34:41,320 --> 00:34:46,560 Speaker 1: therapy from a Christian perspective, I felt that me being 505 00:34:46,719 --> 00:34:52,840 Speaker 1: married gave me legitimacy in certain sels, you know, because 506 00:34:52,880 --> 00:34:55,080 Speaker 1: it was like, oh, she can talk about sex because 507 00:34:55,120 --> 00:34:57,640 Speaker 1: she's married, and then I wasn't, and it's like, oh, 508 00:34:57,680 --> 00:35:02,120 Speaker 1: well people still accept me, and you know, so like 509 00:35:02,160 --> 00:35:03,920 Speaker 1: that was one thing that I had to kind of 510 00:35:03,960 --> 00:35:09,640 Speaker 1: grapple with and deal with. Um. Also the idea that 511 00:35:10,840 --> 00:35:14,000 Speaker 1: God has one person for you and if you and 512 00:35:14,280 --> 00:35:16,440 Speaker 1: you know, if you are blessed enough to find that 513 00:35:16,480 --> 00:35:19,440 Speaker 1: one person, you hold onto them. Y'all get married, I'll 514 00:35:19,480 --> 00:35:22,320 Speaker 1: have a couple of kids and y'all together for fifty years. 515 00:35:22,800 --> 00:35:25,640 Speaker 1: I had it, and so I really had to like 516 00:35:25,800 --> 00:35:28,560 Speaker 1: go back and think, Okay, honestly, I had a real 517 00:35:28,600 --> 00:35:31,120 Speaker 1: honest conversation with God. I was like, look, I'm too 518 00:35:31,160 --> 00:35:36,080 Speaker 1: young and too fun. Sorry, I want to be perfect, 519 00:35:40,239 --> 00:35:46,640 Speaker 1: talk good, right, And so I've really had to I 520 00:35:46,719 --> 00:35:49,880 Speaker 1: had to really like wrestle with that. Do you only 521 00:35:49,960 --> 00:35:53,799 Speaker 1: have one true love or one soul mate? And and 522 00:35:53,840 --> 00:36:00,160 Speaker 1: I really like changed my ideas on a lot of things, 523 00:36:00,200 --> 00:36:04,480 Speaker 1: just how I do work, but um also it as 524 00:36:04,520 --> 00:36:08,840 Speaker 1: a person. I UM. I would talk to my friends 525 00:36:09,080 --> 00:36:12,960 Speaker 1: and uh just talk about how I used to be 526 00:36:13,000 --> 00:36:18,120 Speaker 1: really annoyed with myself with how much my personality has changed, 527 00:36:18,800 --> 00:36:22,880 Speaker 1: uh since Alan died, and like, at the core of 528 00:36:22,960 --> 00:36:24,960 Speaker 1: who I am, I'm still who I am, but there 529 00:36:25,000 --> 00:36:28,840 Speaker 1: are certain things that have that have changed. And uh, 530 00:36:28,920 --> 00:36:33,600 Speaker 1: my boyfriend was like, you know, you thought you you 531 00:36:33,719 --> 00:36:35,439 Speaker 1: lost the person you thought you were going to stand 532 00:36:35,440 --> 00:36:39,840 Speaker 1: the rest of your life with. It's normal, it's normal 533 00:36:39,880 --> 00:36:42,440 Speaker 1: that your personality would change. And I was like, you know, 534 00:36:42,520 --> 00:36:44,160 Speaker 1: in my hand, I was like, se, that's like you 535 00:36:45,320 --> 00:36:52,919 Speaker 1: right there understanding, man, absolutely absolutely, I really yeah, I'm 536 00:36:53,000 --> 00:36:55,000 Speaker 1: I'm really blessed to have him in my right. Yeah, 537 00:36:55,000 --> 00:36:57,680 Speaker 1: that's crazy. I didn't even think about all that. Wow, 538 00:36:58,600 --> 00:37:02,800 Speaker 1: there's definitely life changing. Mm hmmm. Hey guys. The PhD 539 00:37:02,880 --> 00:37:05,760 Speaker 1: podcast is sponsored by eban A Beauty and A Beauty 540 00:37:05,920 --> 00:37:07,960 Speaker 1: is a beauty company that I found it and our 541 00:37:08,080 --> 00:37:11,000 Speaker 1: very first product is are a beautiful make lashes that 542 00:37:11,040 --> 00:37:13,560 Speaker 1: you can wear up to twenty five times, yes, twenty 543 00:37:13,560 --> 00:37:17,040 Speaker 1: five times with the proper care um. For more information, 544 00:37:17,239 --> 00:37:20,400 Speaker 1: visit E b O and e beauty dot com. Use 545 00:37:20,480 --> 00:37:23,280 Speaker 1: called PhD tend to receive some coins off at checkout. 546 00:37:23,640 --> 00:37:26,359 Speaker 1: And trust me, all these lashes are really beautiful, Like 547 00:37:26,480 --> 00:37:29,320 Speaker 1: I have been receiving nothing but really good reviews on them. 548 00:37:29,360 --> 00:37:31,360 Speaker 1: So make sure you go to the website eb and 549 00:37:31,440 --> 00:37:33,960 Speaker 1: A Beauty used the code. And let's get back to 550 00:37:33,960 --> 00:37:36,880 Speaker 1: this week's episode. So how important you have to have 551 00:37:36,920 --> 00:37:38,839 Speaker 1: a healthy sex life because a lot of people don't 552 00:37:38,840 --> 00:37:46,200 Speaker 1: really care to have sex. So here's the thing. It's 553 00:37:46,239 --> 00:37:53,160 Speaker 1: important to understand what healthy sex looks to you. What 554 00:37:53,160 --> 00:37:55,040 Speaker 1: what does it look like to you? Because you have 555 00:37:55,160 --> 00:37:58,640 Speaker 1: some people who are a sexual who are not interested 556 00:37:58,680 --> 00:38:03,320 Speaker 1: in having you know, and there even variations within being 557 00:38:03,400 --> 00:38:06,920 Speaker 1: a sexual. They may not be physically um, you know, 558 00:38:07,160 --> 00:38:09,040 Speaker 1: wanting to be with someone, but then they may be 559 00:38:09,239 --> 00:38:16,440 Speaker 1: romantically attractive. So just really really understanding what healthy sex 560 00:38:16,800 --> 00:38:21,879 Speaker 1: looks like to you and being good on defining that, 561 00:38:22,440 --> 00:38:26,360 Speaker 1: you know, and um standing on that, on that definition 562 00:38:26,400 --> 00:38:29,240 Speaker 1: that you have for yourself. Do you think sex plays 563 00:38:29,280 --> 00:38:34,879 Speaker 1: a big part in a relationship? It definitely can. Oh, 564 00:38:35,040 --> 00:38:40,440 Speaker 1: it definitely can. Um I think about So there's a 565 00:38:40,560 --> 00:38:48,680 Speaker 1: show on HBO that's real popular that it starts with 566 00:38:48,719 --> 00:38:52,800 Speaker 1: an eye. Yes, And I think about the main character 567 00:38:53,160 --> 00:38:58,080 Speaker 1: and her ex boyfriend and how a big part of 568 00:38:58,200 --> 00:39:04,560 Speaker 1: their relationship dealt with not having sex, and when they 569 00:39:04,600 --> 00:39:10,239 Speaker 1: were having a conversation she brought that was that was 570 00:39:10,360 --> 00:39:12,399 Speaker 1: because she brought that up, just like we weren't even 571 00:39:12,440 --> 00:39:15,480 Speaker 1: having sex. Um, and you're sitting at home and I'm 572 00:39:15,520 --> 00:39:17,799 Speaker 1: not even getting that. But then I remember at the 573 00:39:17,880 --> 00:39:19,960 Speaker 1: end of the season, like he was giving it to 574 00:39:20,200 --> 00:39:25,160 Speaker 1: a bank tellers. You know, he that you know what 575 00:39:25,200 --> 00:39:30,000 Speaker 1: I'm saying. So, um, just just thinking about how a 576 00:39:30,080 --> 00:39:36,920 Speaker 1: lot of times sex can be the barometer of the 577 00:39:37,000 --> 00:39:43,560 Speaker 1: relationship where it really tells the temperature um where it's 578 00:39:43,640 --> 00:39:48,920 Speaker 1: it's kind of like a a symptom of maybe a 579 00:39:49,000 --> 00:39:55,000 Speaker 1: larger issue. So for example, I'm thinking of a couple 580 00:39:55,600 --> 00:39:59,760 Speaker 1: that I've seen that that came in because they weren't 581 00:40:00,120 --> 00:40:04,919 Speaker 1: and sex and when we got down to it, they 582 00:40:05,040 --> 00:40:08,560 Speaker 1: just had a baby. They weren't making they weren't prioritizing 583 00:40:08,600 --> 00:40:13,399 Speaker 1: their relationships as a couple. Yeah they were. They were 584 00:40:13,480 --> 00:40:16,920 Speaker 1: parents and you gotta take care of a child, but 585 00:40:17,120 --> 00:40:20,440 Speaker 1: sometimes you gotta get a babysitter so you can go 586 00:40:20,920 --> 00:40:23,360 Speaker 1: and be a couple, and once they were able to 587 00:40:23,480 --> 00:40:27,720 Speaker 1: really learn to balance that and find time to prioritize 588 00:40:27,719 --> 00:40:32,160 Speaker 1: themselves as a couple and prioritize their relationships, things got 589 00:40:32,160 --> 00:40:36,640 Speaker 1: back on track. Um there was there wasn't any, um, 590 00:40:36,719 --> 00:40:41,319 Speaker 1: any issues as far as the relationship per se, Like 591 00:40:41,440 --> 00:40:45,440 Speaker 1: they loved each other and had you know, serious respect 592 00:40:45,480 --> 00:40:48,760 Speaker 1: for each other and um, like that wasn't the issue. 593 00:40:48,800 --> 00:40:52,919 Speaker 1: It was just they weren't prioritizing their relationships. Um. But 594 00:40:52,960 --> 00:40:58,080 Speaker 1: then others where other people have come to me for 595 00:40:58,239 --> 00:41:04,920 Speaker 1: um that they have lower sex drive, and it turns 596 00:41:05,000 --> 00:41:07,839 Speaker 1: out it's not just that they're not interested in sex, 597 00:41:07,880 --> 00:41:11,399 Speaker 1: they're not interested in sex with their partner because it's 598 00:41:11,440 --> 00:41:17,520 Speaker 1: something going on with that relationship. So um, yeah, it 599 00:41:17,600 --> 00:41:19,480 Speaker 1: can be. It's kind of like the tip of the 600 00:41:19,520 --> 00:41:23,720 Speaker 1: iceberg because it's it may show up as a sexual 601 00:41:23,800 --> 00:41:28,799 Speaker 1: dysfunction or a sexual problem, when underneath the surface you've 602 00:41:28,840 --> 00:41:32,920 Speaker 1: got all these other things to deal with. So I 603 00:41:33,000 --> 00:41:39,240 Speaker 1: think in um, prioritizing sex it helps you to deal 604 00:41:39,320 --> 00:41:45,440 Speaker 1: with all of the other issues that may cause a lack. Yeah, 605 00:41:45,480 --> 00:41:47,680 Speaker 1: if I stop having sex with with you, that means 606 00:41:47,680 --> 00:41:51,520 Speaker 1: like I'm kind of like over it. I think that's 607 00:41:51,520 --> 00:41:57,440 Speaker 1: a clear indicator that right, right, right, right. But a 608 00:41:57,480 --> 00:42:01,120 Speaker 1: lot of times, because it's community, patient is hard and 609 00:42:01,600 --> 00:42:06,360 Speaker 1: it calls for vulnerability, and unfortunately a lot of times 610 00:42:06,400 --> 00:42:10,160 Speaker 1: look at vulnerability as weakness or not even looking at 611 00:42:10,160 --> 00:42:12,880 Speaker 1: it as a weakness, but they don't feel safe to 612 00:42:12,960 --> 00:42:16,400 Speaker 1: be vulnerable. Do I feel safe to share with you 613 00:42:16,480 --> 00:42:19,759 Speaker 1: how I really feel? Are you gonna me? Are you 614 00:42:19,800 --> 00:42:24,319 Speaker 1: gonna hold it against me? Um? And yeah, all of that, 615 00:42:24,640 --> 00:42:27,879 Speaker 1: all of that. And so if I don't feel safe 616 00:42:28,000 --> 00:42:32,680 Speaker 1: enough to be vulnerable to share with you my concerns, 617 00:42:33,800 --> 00:42:36,120 Speaker 1: I may not have sex with you because I don't 618 00:42:36,160 --> 00:42:42,200 Speaker 1: feel safe enough to be vulnerable, you know, yeah, all yeah, 619 00:42:42,239 --> 00:42:44,359 Speaker 1: What do you think is the best time to communicate 620 00:42:44,440 --> 00:42:46,759 Speaker 1: with your partner on how you feel and how you 621 00:42:46,840 --> 00:42:51,000 Speaker 1: like to be pleased and stuff like that before you 622 00:42:51,040 --> 00:42:55,480 Speaker 1: have sex? So I think a lot of times people 623 00:42:55,880 --> 00:43:01,080 Speaker 1: um don't have these conversations because they feel awkward. Right. 624 00:43:01,680 --> 00:43:04,720 Speaker 1: But if you notice, if you, let's say you're talking 625 00:43:04,719 --> 00:43:08,120 Speaker 1: to somebody, and and there are different types of relationships, right, 626 00:43:08,200 --> 00:43:13,240 Speaker 1: like you may have somebody who's just your jump off, um. 627 00:43:13,280 --> 00:43:16,600 Speaker 1: But even still, even still, I think it's important to 628 00:43:16,640 --> 00:43:19,560 Speaker 1: have these conversations because you need to negotiate. You know, 629 00:43:19,920 --> 00:43:23,600 Speaker 1: are we using conducts? Are we gonna be fluid by it? Um? 630 00:43:23,680 --> 00:43:26,799 Speaker 1: Are there other forms of birth control that we're using? Like, 631 00:43:27,239 --> 00:43:32,239 Speaker 1: these different conversations are important, um, whether you are with 632 00:43:32,400 --> 00:43:37,000 Speaker 1: somebody just for a sexual experience or if you're looking 633 00:43:37,040 --> 00:43:40,640 Speaker 1: to have a different type of relationship with them. And 634 00:43:40,719 --> 00:43:44,239 Speaker 1: so unfortunately a lot of times people don't have these 635 00:43:44,280 --> 00:43:49,080 Speaker 1: conversations outside of the bedroom or wherever you're having because 636 00:43:49,120 --> 00:43:55,760 Speaker 1: I think so, you know, it's just really um, once 637 00:43:55,840 --> 00:43:59,200 Speaker 1: you see that sex is coming up on the table. 638 00:44:01,960 --> 00:44:04,879 Speaker 1: I think so. I think so because like I think 639 00:44:04,920 --> 00:44:07,880 Speaker 1: about like you may go on a date with somebody 640 00:44:07,920 --> 00:44:10,280 Speaker 1: and be like, oh, this ain't it. This ain't happening, 641 00:44:11,040 --> 00:44:14,239 Speaker 1: So you may not need to, you know, have that conversation. 642 00:44:14,400 --> 00:44:19,160 Speaker 1: But if you are, you know, building something, or even 643 00:44:19,200 --> 00:44:20,879 Speaker 1: if you go on a date and it's like this 644 00:44:20,960 --> 00:44:26,120 Speaker 1: may happen, um, you know, and before you go wherever 645 00:44:26,200 --> 00:44:29,959 Speaker 1: you're going, it's like, okay, so do you have kind 646 00:44:30,000 --> 00:44:33,960 Speaker 1: of okay, I do you how you feel about louve? 647 00:44:34,719 --> 00:44:37,040 Speaker 1: What are what are some things that you're not interested in? 648 00:44:37,160 --> 00:44:41,960 Speaker 1: What are some things you are? All Right? It depends 649 00:44:42,120 --> 00:44:47,760 Speaker 1: on the situation. So if you know because like some 650 00:44:47,760 --> 00:44:52,359 Speaker 1: sometimes you know what you're going forward. Sometimes you know 651 00:44:52,520 --> 00:44:56,400 Speaker 1: you're going to dinner to get to know somebody and 652 00:44:56,480 --> 00:45:00,680 Speaker 1: see where it goes. Other times you know you going 653 00:45:01,160 --> 00:45:06,719 Speaker 1: to hook up with somebody. So if you know what, 654 00:45:06,800 --> 00:45:12,640 Speaker 1: because you know, if y'all, if y'all talking shit before 655 00:45:12,680 --> 00:45:14,319 Speaker 1: you get I mean, you know what I'm saying, like 656 00:45:14,880 --> 00:45:17,799 Speaker 1: you know this building up to that, I'm the actual question. 657 00:45:17,800 --> 00:45:23,000 Speaker 1: I'm actually questioned off the error. Okay, I can't let people. 658 00:45:25,840 --> 00:45:29,880 Speaker 1: That's all right, That's all right. So I'm assuming you 659 00:45:29,960 --> 00:45:36,800 Speaker 1: think that no strengths attached don't work pretty much. Oh, 660 00:45:37,160 --> 00:45:40,680 Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't know. Um. The reason why 661 00:45:40,719 --> 00:45:44,400 Speaker 1: I say I don't know is because I think that 662 00:45:46,440 --> 00:45:52,040 Speaker 1: people can have different types of sexual experiences to fulfill needs. 663 00:45:52,840 --> 00:45:57,279 Speaker 1: Oh do I think that sex can still be a 664 00:45:57,400 --> 00:46:01,480 Speaker 1: spiritually fulfilling experience even with it someone you're not in 665 00:46:01,600 --> 00:46:08,120 Speaker 1: relationship with. Yes. However, what I think is necessary is 666 00:46:08,320 --> 00:46:15,120 Speaker 1: complete honesty on everybody's part. You cannot say, oh, I'm 667 00:46:15,200 --> 00:46:17,640 Speaker 1: just gonna have no strings attached sex, but like in 668 00:46:17,680 --> 00:46:19,879 Speaker 1: the back of your head saying, but I'm really I'm 669 00:46:19,920 --> 00:46:26,200 Speaker 1: really singing, missy, some pussy, don't feel me now I 670 00:46:26,200 --> 00:46:33,799 Speaker 1: don't really call you like, you know, it can't be that. 671 00:46:34,120 --> 00:46:37,239 Speaker 1: It has to be I know what this is, and 672 00:46:37,280 --> 00:46:40,120 Speaker 1: I'm accepting of what this is and I'm good with that. 673 00:46:40,400 --> 00:46:43,399 Speaker 1: But there can't be any hidden agenda because if there's 674 00:46:43,480 --> 00:46:46,440 Speaker 1: hidden agenda, then you're gonna have the problems. Then you 675 00:46:46,520 --> 00:46:49,080 Speaker 1: gonna be jazz and Sullivan. But the windows out of 676 00:46:49,120 --> 00:46:53,560 Speaker 1: card um So I love music. That's why I got 677 00:46:53,600 --> 00:46:58,040 Speaker 1: all these references. Oh but but I mean, it's it's 678 00:46:58,120 --> 00:47:02,399 Speaker 1: so important that you are honest with yourself and you're 679 00:47:02,480 --> 00:47:05,880 Speaker 1: honest with your partner at the time about what it 680 00:47:06,200 --> 00:47:10,360 Speaker 1: is and what it ain't. And like I said, people 681 00:47:10,360 --> 00:47:14,320 Speaker 1: will go into situations like, Okay, I'm an have sex 682 00:47:14,320 --> 00:47:18,680 Speaker 1: with him. I know he said that. Um, he's not 683 00:47:18,680 --> 00:47:20,920 Speaker 1: looking for a relationship, but he gonna see how fly 684 00:47:21,080 --> 00:47:23,320 Speaker 1: I am. And I've been doing keegos, so it's gonna 685 00:47:23,320 --> 00:47:25,640 Speaker 1: be good and he don't want to do with me, 686 00:47:26,120 --> 00:47:29,919 Speaker 1: Like it don't work like that, but it really don't, 687 00:47:30,280 --> 00:47:34,720 Speaker 1: you know. Yeah, So you just gotta be real honest 688 00:47:34,800 --> 00:47:37,319 Speaker 1: and um, although those are the pronouns I was using, 689 00:47:37,440 --> 00:47:43,480 Speaker 1: I don't want people to think that, you know, like 690 00:47:43,680 --> 00:47:46,880 Speaker 1: everybody can get it everybody can get it um, and 691 00:47:47,280 --> 00:47:51,800 Speaker 1: I think it's important to understand that we all be 692 00:47:51,960 --> 00:47:55,799 Speaker 1: tripping sometimes and are not completely honest about what it 693 00:47:55,880 --> 00:47:59,080 Speaker 1: is that we want and what we need. So like 694 00:48:00,280 --> 00:48:03,600 Speaker 1: your original question, like, yeah, I think no strengths and 695 00:48:03,680 --> 00:48:06,440 Speaker 1: toach sex can be if that's what you're needing, and 696 00:48:06,440 --> 00:48:08,959 Speaker 1: if that's what you're wanting, but you have to be 697 00:48:11,280 --> 00:48:14,320 Speaker 1: like straight up, you gotta be straight up and honest 698 00:48:14,360 --> 00:48:19,200 Speaker 1: about it. Child t alright, So a million dollar question 699 00:48:19,239 --> 00:48:23,000 Speaker 1: to all the niggas want to know you already know 700 00:48:23,040 --> 00:48:30,000 Speaker 1: what it is. What is an advice on how to 701 00:48:30,080 --> 00:48:36,680 Speaker 1: make a woman orgasm? Ask her what she want? Honestly, 702 00:48:37,800 --> 00:48:41,200 Speaker 1: there is no And that's that's a question that I 703 00:48:41,239 --> 00:48:46,360 Speaker 1: get a lot. You know, how how can I, yeah, 704 00:48:46,400 --> 00:48:50,600 Speaker 1: how can I make my girlfriend come? Asked her what 705 00:48:50,680 --> 00:48:54,040 Speaker 1: she wants? Because every person with evolved it is different 706 00:48:54,120 --> 00:48:58,600 Speaker 1: and everyone likes things to be touched differently. Like I said, 707 00:48:58,640 --> 00:49:01,160 Speaker 1: most folks with both the need some type of direct 708 00:49:01,200 --> 00:49:05,720 Speaker 1: crital stimulation. But there are some folks with evolvers who 709 00:49:05,760 --> 00:49:08,520 Speaker 1: who feel that that direct stimulation is two months. So 710 00:49:08,600 --> 00:49:11,480 Speaker 1: what worked for one person may not work for another. 711 00:49:12,040 --> 00:49:14,520 Speaker 1: So just be like, hey, what is it that you like. 712 00:49:14,719 --> 00:49:17,600 Speaker 1: Do you like when I set you here? Um? Do 713 00:49:17,680 --> 00:49:20,600 Speaker 1: you not like when I touch you there? Um? But 714 00:49:20,840 --> 00:49:25,440 Speaker 1: just like that open and honest communication that that's it 715 00:49:26,520 --> 00:49:29,400 Speaker 1: that ye. So do you think there is still a 716 00:49:29,440 --> 00:49:36,319 Speaker 1: negative connotation with masturbation, Yes, absolutely, Um. A lot of 717 00:49:36,360 --> 00:49:42,160 Speaker 1: that negative connotation comes from, um, whether it's from faith communities, 718 00:49:42,200 --> 00:49:45,839 Speaker 1: Like I remember people bringing up the scripture of you know, 719 00:49:45,960 --> 00:49:51,640 Speaker 1: spilling your seed and okay, yeah, so them give them 720 00:49:51,640 --> 00:49:58,759 Speaker 1: little background that scripture. Yeah. So the problem God did 721 00:49:58,760 --> 00:50:01,320 Speaker 1: not have the problem that he's to see the problem 722 00:50:01,400 --> 00:50:05,680 Speaker 1: came in that he disobeyed God right because he was 723 00:50:05,719 --> 00:50:10,600 Speaker 1: supposed to impregnate his um deceased brother's wife to continue 724 00:50:10,600 --> 00:50:13,480 Speaker 1: the bloodline. Like he was upset as it at his 725 00:50:13,640 --> 00:50:18,520 Speaker 1: disobedience and not as at his feed being spilled. So um, 726 00:50:18,640 --> 00:50:24,160 Speaker 1: people will take that as a reason why Christians shouldn't masturbate. 727 00:50:24,239 --> 00:50:27,800 Speaker 1: I'm like, naboo, that ain't it. That ain't it? Um? 728 00:50:27,960 --> 00:50:31,960 Speaker 1: And so that's part of it. But then also the 729 00:50:32,200 --> 00:50:37,240 Speaker 1: idea that your genitals are dirty for whatever reason. Um. 730 00:50:37,280 --> 00:50:40,000 Speaker 1: But it goes back to that platonic and neo platonic 731 00:50:40,040 --> 00:50:43,120 Speaker 1: thought that like if you separate from your body, then 732 00:50:43,120 --> 00:50:47,759 Speaker 1: you're closer to God, um, which is not something I 733 00:50:48,000 --> 00:50:52,440 Speaker 1: agree with, but I understand like how we adopted that 734 00:50:52,520 --> 00:50:54,520 Speaker 1: because that was the thought at the time, that our 735 00:50:54,520 --> 00:50:59,880 Speaker 1: faith is being shared with the world. So um yeah 736 00:51:00,160 --> 00:51:03,759 Speaker 1: that idea. And then also another thing that I was 737 00:51:03,840 --> 00:51:07,800 Speaker 1: thinking of is that people think that if your partner, 738 00:51:07,880 --> 00:51:11,200 Speaker 1: then you shouldn't have solo sex. And I believe that 739 00:51:11,320 --> 00:51:16,120 Speaker 1: solo sex can remain a fruitful, um part of your 740 00:51:16,239 --> 00:51:19,920 Speaker 1: own sexuality even if you are in a partner relationship, 741 00:51:19,920 --> 00:51:23,440 Speaker 1: whether you marry or living with a partner, not living 742 00:51:23,440 --> 00:51:25,239 Speaker 1: with a partner just got a boo that you call 743 00:51:25,320 --> 00:51:28,200 Speaker 1: all the time whatever. I think the solo sex should 744 00:51:28,239 --> 00:51:32,279 Speaker 1: remain a part of your own sexual expression, whether your 745 00:51:32,320 --> 00:51:34,680 Speaker 1: partnered or not. UM. But yeah, there are a lot 746 00:51:34,719 --> 00:51:39,760 Speaker 1: of reasons why people um have this negative idea, negative 747 00:51:39,760 --> 00:51:43,480 Speaker 1: connotation about solo sex. I think people look at it 748 00:51:43,600 --> 00:51:48,680 Speaker 1: as um, like you're desperate, like you can't even be 749 00:51:49,160 --> 00:51:51,960 Speaker 1: you know, have partnered sex, and it's like nah, I 750 00:51:52,120 --> 00:51:55,919 Speaker 1: just like it feels good, that's just it. You don't 751 00:51:55,920 --> 00:52:01,640 Speaker 1: know your body that part too, that part too, But 752 00:52:01,760 --> 00:52:06,040 Speaker 1: like or garsums are great, they're great stress relieve and 753 00:52:06,040 --> 00:52:08,200 Speaker 1: then sometimes you just want to knock one out and 754 00:52:08,200 --> 00:52:12,759 Speaker 1: go to sleep, you know, and and that's okay, that 755 00:52:12,960 --> 00:52:16,640 Speaker 1: is perfectly okay. But um, but all of those things 756 00:52:16,680 --> 00:52:20,040 Speaker 1: that I mentioned like that that combines to make the 757 00:52:20,080 --> 00:52:27,520 Speaker 1: idea of solo sex not not good within some circles. Um. Now, 758 00:52:27,719 --> 00:52:30,040 Speaker 1: this is a crazy and a funny question because I 759 00:52:30,040 --> 00:52:32,640 Speaker 1: feel like people be trying and doing the most. Can 760 00:52:32,680 --> 00:52:36,040 Speaker 1: you please explain to people why it is important to 761 00:52:36,040 --> 00:52:39,799 Speaker 1: be realistic when watching porn and trying to imitate what 762 00:52:39,840 --> 00:52:43,400 Speaker 1: they see the girl listen. First of all, they do 763 00:52:43,520 --> 00:52:49,440 Speaker 1: not show the preparation they go to those actors. Okay, 764 00:52:49,520 --> 00:52:55,480 Speaker 1: so porn is entertainment. They are you know, holding their 765 00:52:55,560 --> 00:52:58,760 Speaker 1: bodies a certain ways so you can see certain things. 766 00:52:59,360 --> 00:53:01,759 Speaker 1: It don't have been like that in real life. You 767 00:53:01,880 --> 00:53:06,400 Speaker 1: don't know. And the yoga and you know, all the 768 00:53:06,440 --> 00:53:09,160 Speaker 1: stuff that went into them being able to hold their 769 00:53:09,200 --> 00:53:12,280 Speaker 1: body this certain way. They didn't show you the water breaks, 770 00:53:12,320 --> 00:53:15,879 Speaker 1: they didn't show you the breaks to apply loud. They 771 00:53:15,920 --> 00:53:19,000 Speaker 1: didn't show you the separation that they did for a 772 00:53:19,160 --> 00:53:23,000 Speaker 1: no sex like you cannot like it's some stuff that 773 00:53:23,040 --> 00:53:29,680 Speaker 1: you can't do like without preparation, and within porn they 774 00:53:29,719 --> 00:53:32,600 Speaker 1: don't show it. So if you're looking at it and 775 00:53:32,760 --> 00:53:37,279 Speaker 1: understanding this is entertainment. This is just uh, you know, 776 00:53:37,520 --> 00:53:39,600 Speaker 1: for me to get what I need and move on 777 00:53:39,640 --> 00:53:44,000 Speaker 1: to the next cool. And I think that porn can 778 00:53:44,120 --> 00:53:48,080 Speaker 1: be educational, you know, in in some senses, like it 779 00:53:48,160 --> 00:53:50,279 Speaker 1: can give you some ideas of what she might like, 780 00:53:50,400 --> 00:53:53,640 Speaker 1: but she might not like. However, if you're looking at 781 00:53:53,680 --> 00:53:58,000 Speaker 1: it as um, if that's your only sex education, then 782 00:53:58,040 --> 00:54:00,840 Speaker 1: we need to introduce you to the world of Google, 783 00:54:01,000 --> 00:54:05,520 Speaker 1: since it's still free, and like taking some sites that 784 00:54:05,640 --> 00:54:10,400 Speaker 1: have like real um good information for sexuality education, because 785 00:54:10,400 --> 00:54:14,920 Speaker 1: that ain't it. You can Yeah, you can learn some 786 00:54:15,040 --> 00:54:18,640 Speaker 1: good stuff from foring, but it's not the end all 787 00:54:18,719 --> 00:54:23,560 Speaker 1: be I'll say all because it's performative. They are performing 788 00:54:23,680 --> 00:54:26,360 Speaker 1: for you and if you try to do some of 789 00:54:26,400 --> 00:54:29,040 Speaker 1: that stuff with your partner, you might get kicked in 790 00:54:29,080 --> 00:54:31,640 Speaker 1: the net because you won't ask them if that's what 791 00:54:31,680 --> 00:54:35,800 Speaker 1: they won't. You know, you're just taking in this places 792 00:54:36,040 --> 00:54:38,319 Speaker 1: like white I ain't and all that. Like that's why 793 00:54:38,360 --> 00:54:43,880 Speaker 1: you gotta have conversations, right. Um. A lot of my 794 00:54:43,960 --> 00:54:47,480 Speaker 1: guests and listeners are survivors of sexual assault. So one 795 00:54:47,520 --> 00:54:50,040 Speaker 1: of some advice you would give to them about moving forward. 796 00:54:50,160 --> 00:54:54,760 Speaker 1: So they can, they too can enjoy sex. I think, UM, 797 00:54:55,239 --> 00:55:01,960 Speaker 1: learning your body and different triggers UH that may inhibit 798 00:55:02,040 --> 00:55:05,720 Speaker 1: you from remaining in your body. A lot of times 799 00:55:05,719 --> 00:55:12,520 Speaker 1: survivors of trauma have learned to dissociate uh during painful things, 800 00:55:12,560 --> 00:55:16,799 Speaker 1: just just to survive as a surviving tactic. UM. But 801 00:55:17,200 --> 00:55:20,200 Speaker 1: part of having good sex is being able to be 802 00:55:20,280 --> 00:55:23,120 Speaker 1: fully present in your body. So like if you know 803 00:55:23,280 --> 00:55:25,560 Speaker 1: that a certain touch makes you feel a certain way, 804 00:55:25,600 --> 00:55:29,880 Speaker 1: like really communicating with your partner about that. UM. Also 805 00:55:30,640 --> 00:55:33,000 Speaker 1: UM talking with a good therapists that can help you 806 00:55:33,080 --> 00:55:37,680 Speaker 1: process any trauma that you may still have related to that. UM. 807 00:55:37,719 --> 00:55:42,839 Speaker 1: That is incredibly important so that you can reclaim your 808 00:55:42,880 --> 00:55:49,919 Speaker 1: own sexuality for yourself. UM. I think that Uh. There 809 00:55:49,920 --> 00:55:53,120 Speaker 1: are a lot of really good therapists who work on 810 00:55:53,600 --> 00:55:58,080 Speaker 1: UM work on dealing with the trauma. However, they may 811 00:55:58,120 --> 00:56:02,800 Speaker 1: not take it that further step of reclaiming your sexuality 812 00:56:03,760 --> 00:56:07,560 Speaker 1: for yourself. And so that's kind of what I what 813 00:56:07,680 --> 00:56:12,920 Speaker 1: I help people, what I help people work on. UM. Yeah, 814 00:56:13,200 --> 00:56:16,080 Speaker 1: what about the what about the survivors that experienced sexual 815 00:56:16,080 --> 00:56:19,239 Speaker 1: assault from the same sex and now the question their 816 00:56:19,719 --> 00:56:26,919 Speaker 1: sexuality m hmmm yeah. So yeah, So what research has 817 00:56:27,000 --> 00:56:33,400 Speaker 1: shown is that UM, people who identify along the l 818 00:56:33,440 --> 00:56:37,719 Speaker 1: g B, t q I a spectrum, they even if 819 00:56:37,760 --> 00:56:42,799 Speaker 1: they are survivors of some type of sexual trauma, they 820 00:56:42,920 --> 00:56:47,040 Speaker 1: identified that way before or had thoughts even if they 821 00:56:47,040 --> 00:56:50,800 Speaker 1: didn't fully identify, but they had thoughts of attraction to 822 00:56:51,600 --> 00:56:57,320 Speaker 1: the same gender before the trauma occurred. And so, UM, 823 00:56:57,360 --> 00:56:59,800 Speaker 1: you know, the body is weird and that and or 824 00:57:00,040 --> 00:57:04,400 Speaker 1: gasm it is a it's a it's a physiological response. 825 00:57:05,000 --> 00:57:09,920 Speaker 1: And so even if you were experiencing abuse that you 826 00:57:10,040 --> 00:57:13,279 Speaker 1: did not want, your body may still respond in a 827 00:57:13,320 --> 00:57:17,960 Speaker 1: certain way and it feels confusing. UM. And so I 828 00:57:18,040 --> 00:57:21,440 Speaker 1: don't think that it's a bad thing to question that, 829 00:57:21,520 --> 00:57:24,400 Speaker 1: but I do think that it's important to understand that 830 00:57:24,520 --> 00:57:28,720 Speaker 1: if you are attracted to someone of the same gender, 831 00:57:28,800 --> 00:57:32,640 Speaker 1: it's not necessarily because of that trauma. It may just 832 00:57:32,760 --> 00:57:35,960 Speaker 1: because that's what you're attracted to. But then working with 833 00:57:36,040 --> 00:57:39,240 Speaker 1: the therapist to kind of delineate those things and understand 834 00:57:39,240 --> 00:57:42,320 Speaker 1: that it wasn't because of that, but that just maybe 835 00:57:42,600 --> 00:57:47,120 Speaker 1: who you're attracted to. UM. In addition, I have a 836 00:57:47,120 --> 00:57:50,400 Speaker 1: lot of male listeners that are survivors as well. So 837 00:57:50,520 --> 00:57:53,320 Speaker 1: what are some common problems for male survivors and how 838 00:57:53,360 --> 00:57:59,560 Speaker 1: pain aint overcome it. Oh man, so many. Yeah, I'm 839 00:57:59,600 --> 00:58:02,880 Speaker 1: just thinking about the idea of toxic masculinity. And I 840 00:58:02,920 --> 00:58:07,320 Speaker 1: was talking with um my homie about that song. Uh 841 00:58:07,640 --> 00:58:10,960 Speaker 1: just can't handle it. I can't. It was a half 842 00:58:10,960 --> 00:58:13,280 Speaker 1: five the group that did that so off anyway, it 843 00:58:13,400 --> 00:58:17,880 Speaker 1: was in a night and so part of the bird 844 00:58:18,000 --> 00:58:24,240 Speaker 1: said I was only sixteen. She was, And I'm thinking 845 00:58:24,280 --> 00:58:33,280 Speaker 1: about how often boys are victims of sexual abuse. But 846 00:58:33,440 --> 00:58:38,840 Speaker 1: it's the idea that you should want these sexual advances 847 00:58:38,880 --> 00:58:42,440 Speaker 1: from older women and if you don't want them, something 848 00:58:42,600 --> 00:58:46,360 Speaker 1: is wrong with you. And then I'm gonna question duality 849 00:58:46,760 --> 00:58:50,640 Speaker 1: and so um a lot of times people may have 850 00:58:50,800 --> 00:58:57,200 Speaker 1: to grapple and wrestle with those ideas that, um, I 851 00:58:57,240 --> 00:59:01,600 Speaker 1: didn't want this, and it's okay that I didn't want it, 852 00:59:01,760 --> 00:59:04,600 Speaker 1: even though society may have told me that I should 853 00:59:04,640 --> 00:59:10,680 Speaker 1: have enjoyed this. Mm hmm. Yeah, it's it's uh, it's 854 00:59:10,840 --> 00:59:14,600 Speaker 1: you know, toxic masculinity. And like women can be of 855 00:59:15,200 --> 00:59:19,240 Speaker 1: purporters and supporters of toxic toxic masculinity too, But just 856 00:59:19,280 --> 00:59:25,720 Speaker 1: this idea that because it was offered to me, or 857 00:59:25,800 --> 00:59:28,960 Speaker 1: not even offered, but like pushed on me, that I 858 00:59:29,000 --> 00:59:32,080 Speaker 1: should have want because I'm a man and this is 859 00:59:32,120 --> 00:59:36,240 Speaker 1: what man men are boys do or want and and 860 00:59:36,240 --> 00:59:42,480 Speaker 1: that's that's what they taught at a young age. Yeah, exactly, exactly. Um, 861 00:59:42,560 --> 00:59:47,520 Speaker 1: And it's just, uh, it's really challenging because I'm thinking 862 00:59:47,560 --> 00:59:52,960 Speaker 1: about how so many people, um specifically like uh current 863 00:59:53,920 --> 00:59:58,240 Speaker 1: popular artists have talked about various experiences they've had, you know, 864 00:59:58,600 --> 01:00:01,800 Speaker 1: but they don't refer to them as rape or as 865 01:00:01,840 --> 01:00:06,200 Speaker 1: sexual assault because and if they do, then that makes 866 01:00:06,200 --> 01:00:10,440 Speaker 1: them weak. It makes me a something as opposed to 867 01:00:10,480 --> 01:00:16,960 Speaker 1: a survivor of something. Right. So yeah, well, last, but 868 01:00:17,040 --> 01:00:21,360 Speaker 1: not least, because I have really enjoyed this conversation, I'm like, uh, like, 869 01:00:21,480 --> 01:00:25,040 Speaker 1: you have a new followers supporter all of the above, 870 01:00:25,760 --> 01:00:29,000 Speaker 1: thank you, thank you. So we have a lot going 871 01:00:29,080 --> 01:00:33,960 Speaker 1: on in the world between coronavirus, I mean, racism always 872 01:00:33,960 --> 01:00:38,800 Speaker 1: been here, protests, just people losing their jobs, people lost 873 01:00:38,840 --> 01:00:41,480 Speaker 1: loved ones. Um, what is some advice you would give 874 01:00:41,520 --> 01:00:45,680 Speaker 1: to the listeners out there are maintaining a fulfilling sex life. 875 01:00:47,440 --> 01:00:55,320 Speaker 1: Audrey Lord talks about how self care is not self indulgence, 876 01:00:56,240 --> 01:01:00,000 Speaker 1: but it is self preservation. It is an act of polity, 877 01:01:00,040 --> 01:01:07,880 Speaker 1: a co warfare in prioritizing your pleasure and finding ways 878 01:01:08,000 --> 01:01:14,200 Speaker 1: to experience beautiful black joy. You listen, You may not 879 01:01:15,040 --> 01:01:17,720 Speaker 1: your your place in the movement, may not be as 880 01:01:17,720 --> 01:01:26,040 Speaker 1: a frontline protester. However, your self preservation, your experience and 881 01:01:26,200 --> 01:01:30,520 Speaker 1: joy in this moment you're thriving is an act of 882 01:01:30,600 --> 01:01:36,680 Speaker 1: political warfare. So give you some good orgasms when you 883 01:01:36,680 --> 01:01:40,480 Speaker 1: you know, when you feel right. But like that is 884 01:01:40,640 --> 01:01:45,120 Speaker 1: that that's something I think, um, And I think it's 885 01:01:45,160 --> 01:01:47,720 Speaker 1: important to fight. I think it's important to be out there, 886 01:01:47,720 --> 01:01:51,000 Speaker 1: and I support I support a movement and in a 887 01:01:51,000 --> 01:01:57,080 Speaker 1: lot of different ways, um. But for me two like 888 01:01:57,200 --> 01:02:01,400 Speaker 1: one one very sensual thing that I did for myself 889 01:02:01,520 --> 01:02:06,680 Speaker 1: was I made brownies from scratch and so sensual in 890 01:02:06,720 --> 01:02:12,800 Speaker 1: the sense of like just my senses, um, mixing the batter, 891 01:02:13,560 --> 01:02:16,959 Speaker 1: smelling them as they baked, putting my flur to cell 892 01:02:17,160 --> 01:02:20,240 Speaker 1: on top, and then like when I took a bite, 893 01:02:20,280 --> 01:02:23,880 Speaker 1: really being present and what that what that felt like 894 01:02:23,960 --> 01:02:26,520 Speaker 1: in my mouth is a gooey I got, I got 895 01:02:26,560 --> 01:02:30,040 Speaker 1: the crunchy corner, and then I got that little of 896 01:02:30,120 --> 01:02:32,320 Speaker 1: the salt word. Did I feel that on my tongue? 897 01:02:32,600 --> 01:02:36,680 Speaker 1: Like different sensual experiences like that not necessarily just sex, 898 01:02:37,120 --> 01:02:42,640 Speaker 1: but just understanding that as essential being surviving this and 899 01:02:42,680 --> 01:02:47,720 Speaker 1: giving giving yourself space to experience joy and minor and 900 01:02:47,880 --> 01:02:53,560 Speaker 1: seemingly minor things that can be political warfare, and that 901 01:02:54,200 --> 01:02:58,120 Speaker 1: is something that can be UM helping to push you 902 01:02:58,240 --> 01:03:02,080 Speaker 1: forward and and surviving and thriving in this current situation 903 01:03:02,200 --> 01:03:05,800 Speaker 1: because it's hard out here. Listen, I'm not gonna lie 904 01:03:05,920 --> 01:03:08,680 Speaker 1: because it's been so much stuff going on, and I'm 905 01:03:08,720 --> 01:03:11,640 Speaker 1: like super emo, like all of them is being under 906 01:03:11,640 --> 01:03:17,000 Speaker 1: a man Like that's all I've been thinking about it, 907 01:03:17,120 --> 01:03:19,440 Speaker 1: Like I feel you, smell a man like I need 908 01:03:19,440 --> 01:03:22,320 Speaker 1: to be under one. I feel you, I feel you, 909 01:03:22,360 --> 01:03:26,000 Speaker 1: I feel you. But my homie UM and I mentioned her. 910 01:03:26,040 --> 01:03:28,280 Speaker 1: I didn't mention her by name, but her name is 911 01:03:28,400 --> 01:03:34,080 Speaker 1: Dr Lex Brown James, and she put on social media 912 01:03:34,440 --> 01:03:40,320 Speaker 1: that trauma bonding is real and it's important that during 913 01:03:40,400 --> 01:03:44,360 Speaker 1: this time, specifically, if you meet somebody on the front line, 914 01:03:44,680 --> 01:03:49,480 Speaker 1: you know, y'all may bond and get up under each other, 915 01:03:49,920 --> 01:03:54,920 Speaker 1: and that's okay, but understand that you may be bonding 916 01:03:55,000 --> 01:04:00,240 Speaker 1: because of what you're experiencing right now. M M. This 917 01:04:00,280 --> 01:04:04,120 Speaker 1: movement is over what you got. That doesn't mean that 918 01:04:04,360 --> 01:04:08,080 Speaker 1: you're not going to you know, survive a relationship after this, 919 01:04:08,240 --> 01:04:12,680 Speaker 1: but just be real mindful that you know emotions are 920 01:04:12,760 --> 01:04:16,200 Speaker 1: high and you may bind from this experience, and just 921 01:04:16,280 --> 01:04:20,760 Speaker 1: being honest about what things are, you know again, not 922 01:04:20,960 --> 01:04:23,720 Speaker 1: singing Missy song in the back of your head, but 923 01:04:23,880 --> 01:04:31,360 Speaker 1: just just understand what it is and let it be that. No, 924 01:04:31,680 --> 01:04:35,040 Speaker 1: I am so appreciative of you coming onto the show, 925 01:04:35,080 --> 01:04:38,680 Speaker 1: like this has been such a good conversation, Like, oh, 926 01:04:38,720 --> 01:04:40,720 Speaker 1: I just learned so much. I'm gonna talk to you 927 01:04:40,840 --> 01:04:46,240 Speaker 1: about after the show. If you have any questions, comments, 928 01:04:46,320 --> 01:04:50,160 Speaker 1: or concerns. Uh. Wait, I know you're based out in St. Louis, 929 01:04:50,240 --> 01:04:54,000 Speaker 1: So do you take virtual uh consertation calls or like 930 01:04:54,040 --> 01:04:59,760 Speaker 1: phone calls. Yeah? So, I'm licensed in Missouri to do therapy, 931 01:05:00,040 --> 01:05:04,000 Speaker 1: so I can only provide therapy for Missouri residents. Um. However, 932 01:05:04,200 --> 01:05:07,960 Speaker 1: I do still answer like general questions. I'm not doing 933 01:05:08,720 --> 01:05:11,840 Speaker 1: uh therapy for somebody who lives in another state because 934 01:05:12,080 --> 01:05:15,320 Speaker 1: I'm not trying to lose my license. However, um, like 935 01:05:15,440 --> 01:05:20,760 Speaker 1: just a general question I can answer, all right, y'all, 936 01:05:20,840 --> 01:05:24,000 Speaker 1: Well listen, don't get my girl caught up. Okay, But 937 01:05:24,280 --> 01:05:26,880 Speaker 1: if I have any questions comments with concerns, please email 938 01:05:26,920 --> 01:05:30,320 Speaker 1: me and hello at the PC podcast dot com and 939 01:05:30,920 --> 01:05:32,760 Speaker 1: you know, go bust the orgast and tonight after you 940 01:05:32,760 --> 01:05:35,000 Speaker 1: listen to this episode, courteous of me and my guests, 941 01:05:39,240 --> 01:05:41,240 Speaker 1: and until next time. Later,