1 00:00:04,795 --> 00:00:21,155 Speaker 1: Countdown with Keith Olderman is a production of iHeartRadio. The 2 00:00:21,195 --> 00:00:27,715 Speaker 1: Boss wanted the server deleted. Why would you try to 3 00:00:27,835 --> 00:00:32,595 Speaker 1: destroy the security video if you didn't do anything wrong 4 00:00:33,115 --> 00:00:37,995 Speaker 1: shown on the security video. Why would you try to 5 00:00:38,115 --> 00:00:42,395 Speaker 1: destroy the security video if it didn't prove you had 6 00:00:42,395 --> 00:00:47,235 Speaker 1: broken the law? Why would you move the documents after 7 00:00:47,275 --> 00:00:50,195 Speaker 1: the government said don't move the documents? And why would 8 00:00:50,235 --> 00:00:52,795 Speaker 1: you move the documents without remembering that you would get 9 00:00:52,835 --> 00:00:56,315 Speaker 1: caught on security video moving the documents? And why when 10 00:00:56,395 --> 00:00:59,355 Speaker 1: you did remember that you'd get caught on security video, 11 00:00:59,635 --> 00:01:02,715 Speaker 1: would you then try to destroy the security video and 12 00:01:03,235 --> 00:01:09,875 Speaker 1: get caught trying to destroy the security video? And why 13 00:01:10,315 --> 00:01:16,675 Speaker 1: would you not just move the documents and try to 14 00:01:16,715 --> 00:01:21,875 Speaker 1: destroy the video of you moving the documents yourself, but 15 00:01:21,995 --> 00:01:26,675 Speaker 1: instead get on the phone with your property manager at 16 00:01:26,755 --> 00:01:31,315 Speaker 1: marri Lago for twenty four minutes and ask him to 17 00:01:31,435 --> 00:01:33,795 Speaker 1: destroy the video. Only he doesn't know how to destroy 18 00:01:33,835 --> 00:01:36,395 Speaker 1: the video, so he has to go ask the IT guy. 19 00:01:36,755 --> 00:01:39,035 Speaker 1: And you have to have Walton now to get involved too. 20 00:01:39,075 --> 00:01:41,275 Speaker 1: So all of a sudden, the two of them are 21 00:01:41,315 --> 00:01:44,275 Speaker 1: literally skulking around the bushes trying to figure this out 22 00:01:44,315 --> 00:01:47,955 Speaker 1: and going through tunnels with flashlights looking for security cameras, 23 00:01:48,155 --> 00:01:51,115 Speaker 1: and there are four people in this conspiracy on top 24 00:01:51,155 --> 00:01:54,235 Speaker 1: of a conspiracy, and how many Trump loyalists does it 25 00:01:54,395 --> 00:02:02,355 Speaker 1: take to change a flashlight? The boss wanted the server deleted, 26 00:02:03,955 --> 00:02:07,075 Speaker 1: and oh the way, this is on top of the espionage. 27 00:02:08,475 --> 00:02:11,635 Speaker 1: If the espionage is too complicated for the jurors, or 28 00:02:11,675 --> 00:02:16,155 Speaker 1: the public, or the voters or history, you go back 29 00:02:16,195 --> 00:02:19,755 Speaker 1: to the first question, why Donald Trump would you try 30 00:02:19,835 --> 00:02:22,995 Speaker 1: to destroy the security video? Why would you bother to 31 00:02:23,115 --> 00:02:26,115 Speaker 1: destroy the security video? Why would you risk destroying the 32 00:02:26,155 --> 00:02:31,995 Speaker 1: security video if you didn't do anything wrong shown on 33 00:02:32,235 --> 00:02:39,155 Speaker 1: the security video. The cover up sank Richard Nixon. The 34 00:02:39,235 --> 00:02:44,395 Speaker 1: cover up got Bill Clinton impeached. And this cover up 35 00:02:45,075 --> 00:02:51,555 Speaker 1: destroy the servers, destroy the servers, the servers, server, server, server. 36 00:02:52,195 --> 00:02:56,355 Speaker 1: It now looks exactly like the server cover up. Trump 37 00:02:56,435 --> 00:02:59,435 Speaker 1: accused Hillary Clinton of it in twenty sixteen. A then 38 00:02:59,595 --> 00:03:02,755 Speaker 1: he pounded weekly and daily and hourly, and arguably won 39 00:03:02,835 --> 00:03:06,755 Speaker 1: him the White House. And it is indelibly etched into 40 00:03:06,835 --> 00:03:13,355 Speaker 1: people's opinions of Trump. The word server and Trump are synonymous. 41 00:03:14,315 --> 00:03:17,635 Speaker 1: We're now just one reference to bleaching away from a 42 00:03:17,715 --> 00:03:24,515 Speaker 1: complete match. And that's just the first cover up. We 43 00:03:24,675 --> 00:03:29,515 Speaker 1: only learned about yesterday. The audio appears of Trump quoting 44 00:03:29,555 --> 00:03:32,955 Speaker 1: the Mark Millie US military war plans for attacking Iran 45 00:03:33,435 --> 00:03:36,915 Speaker 1: and showing them or showing something to publishers Louise Burke 46 00:03:36,955 --> 00:03:40,435 Speaker 1: and Kate Hartson, and Trump goes on Fox and indignantly 47 00:03:40,475 --> 00:03:43,235 Speaker 1: tell Sean Hannity there was no document. He didn't show 48 00:03:43,275 --> 00:03:46,675 Speaker 1: them anything. They're framing me. It was just papers. It's 49 00:03:46,675 --> 00:03:49,115 Speaker 1: not a secret document that I have stolen and im 50 00:03:49,115 --> 00:03:51,875 Speaker 1: illegally showing to people who have no clearance to even 51 00:03:51,915 --> 00:03:56,435 Speaker 1: know it exists, let alone see it. And then you say, oh, 52 00:03:56,835 --> 00:04:00,075 Speaker 1: mister Trump, you mean this secret document that we've had 53 00:04:00,115 --> 00:04:02,875 Speaker 1: all along and we really only had the time to 54 00:04:03,115 --> 00:04:07,115 Speaker 1: develop the charges. Again, you over it because you and 55 00:04:07,195 --> 00:04:11,875 Speaker 1: your ambulance chaser attorneys and your Federalist Society judge you 56 00:04:11,915 --> 00:04:15,995 Speaker 1: appointed managed to delay the start of our trial by 57 00:04:16,115 --> 00:04:19,235 Speaker 1: five months. Thanks for the extra time. And oh, by 58 00:04:19,235 --> 00:04:21,355 Speaker 1: the way, we're not coming out and saying this, but 59 00:04:21,515 --> 00:04:25,395 Speaker 1: clearly we have the testimony of Louise Burke and Kate Hartson. 60 00:04:25,435 --> 00:04:27,435 Speaker 1: It did we mention that on the video tape. We 61 00:04:27,515 --> 00:04:31,475 Speaker 1: have all your property managers texts and your IT guy 62 00:04:32,115 --> 00:04:36,875 Speaker 1: employee four's testifying for us. He and Employee five are 63 00:04:36,915 --> 00:04:40,595 Speaker 1: both testifying against you. And we have all Walt Nauda's messages, 64 00:04:40,715 --> 00:04:45,075 Speaker 1: right down to the shush emoji he used to remind 65 00:04:45,155 --> 00:04:47,515 Speaker 1: the person he was telling all this too, not to 66 00:04:47,595 --> 00:04:52,075 Speaker 1: tell anybody. Prosecutor holds up giant blow up of naw 67 00:04:52,155 --> 00:04:56,395 Speaker 1: to text with shush emoji six feet tall. Perhaps mister Nauda, 68 00:04:56,755 --> 00:05:04,995 Speaker 1: this will refresh your memory. Sh are there also smiley faces? 69 00:05:06,075 --> 00:05:10,835 Speaker 1: Did Walt Nawda use the poop emoji? Two? Did he 70 00:05:11,075 --> 00:05:16,675 Speaker 1: use the poop emoji? Last night? Did the latest guy 71 00:05:16,715 --> 00:05:20,155 Speaker 1: whose life has been ruined by Trump, Carlos de Oliviera, 72 00:05:21,475 --> 00:05:25,035 Speaker 1: the property manager now facing prison time, did he use 73 00:05:25,075 --> 00:05:29,115 Speaker 1: the face palm emoji? Or maybe the skull and crossbones emoji? 74 00:05:30,635 --> 00:05:35,435 Speaker 1: The boss wanted the server deleted? And oh yeah, we 75 00:05:35,435 --> 00:05:39,635 Speaker 1: were supposed to be finished with the document's case. Yesterday 76 00:05:39,715 --> 00:05:41,435 Speaker 1: was supposed to be the day Jack Smith and died 77 00:05:41,435 --> 00:05:47,875 Speaker 1: of Trump. On the January sixth case Psich more documents 78 00:05:47,915 --> 00:05:53,595 Speaker 1: case three more charges for Donnie shocked cat emoji, wide 79 00:05:53,635 --> 00:06:00,475 Speaker 1: eyes emoji, Edvard Munk's scream emoji. It's almost as if 80 00:06:00,515 --> 00:06:03,115 Speaker 1: they had laid a couple of traps for him. Both 81 00:06:03,155 --> 00:06:05,755 Speaker 1: on the attempted destruction of Evan and oh, by the way, 82 00:06:05,795 --> 00:06:08,995 Speaker 1: that can carry a jail term of up to twenty years, 83 00:06:09,675 --> 00:06:13,275 Speaker 1: and on the Mark Millie Iran document. On the document, first, 84 00:06:13,395 --> 00:06:16,475 Speaker 1: make sure he denies it publicly. Make sure he gets indignant. 85 00:06:16,475 --> 00:06:18,395 Speaker 1: Make sure he says it doesn't exist. Make sure he's 86 00:06:18,515 --> 00:06:21,635 Speaker 1: absolutely painted himself into a corner. Make sure all of 87 00:06:21,675 --> 00:06:26,555 Speaker 1: his apologists emphasize that they didn't specifically charge him with 88 00:06:26,595 --> 00:06:29,715 Speaker 1: stealing that document, just the other thirty one documents. And 89 00:06:29,795 --> 00:06:33,515 Speaker 1: then and only then say all right, we did leave 90 00:06:33,675 --> 00:06:38,075 Speaker 1: that out. Thanks for reminding us. Don then give the 91 00:06:38,195 --> 00:06:41,795 Speaker 1: indictment back. We'll just use a little carrot mark here. 92 00:06:41,915 --> 00:06:46,635 Speaker 1: We'll slip it in on page seventy two on the 93 00:06:46,715 --> 00:06:51,195 Speaker 1: security video. Who knows who blinked on that, but employee 94 00:06:51,235 --> 00:06:54,635 Speaker 1: four and employee five must have seen the light for 95 00:06:54,715 --> 00:06:59,675 Speaker 1: some reason since the original indictment in May. And you 96 00:06:59,795 --> 00:07:02,875 Speaker 1: keep reading this saga of the gang that couldn't destroy 97 00:07:03,075 --> 00:07:06,155 Speaker 1: servers straight and you say, this guy de oli Vieira 98 00:07:06,675 --> 00:07:09,155 Speaker 1: is fifty six years old, and the indictment makes it 99 00:07:09,195 --> 00:07:12,195 Speaker 1: clear Trump wasn't sure if he could really trust him. 100 00:07:12,595 --> 00:07:14,595 Speaker 1: And he is a far better bet than now to 101 00:07:14,595 --> 00:07:17,115 Speaker 1: to turn on Trump because Nowaday is clearly a moron. 102 00:07:17,275 --> 00:07:24,715 Speaker 1: But shush emoji, don't tell Walt that. I mean, it's 103 00:07:24,755 --> 00:07:28,755 Speaker 1: too good to be true for us to believe that 104 00:07:28,835 --> 00:07:34,875 Speaker 1: they announced the superseding indictment on the documents because Trump 105 00:07:34,915 --> 00:07:39,075 Speaker 1: sent his lawyers in yesterday to politely threatened Jack Smith that, 106 00:07:39,195 --> 00:07:42,435 Speaker 1: as Trump posted, quote, an indictment of me would only 107 00:07:42,475 --> 00:07:48,195 Speaker 1: further destroy our country. But it is absolutely plausible that 108 00:07:48,235 --> 00:07:51,235 Speaker 1: the timing worked out this way because the lawyers John 109 00:07:51,315 --> 00:07:55,795 Speaker 1: Larrow and Todd Blanche asked for the meeting, and yesterday 110 00:07:55,795 --> 00:07:59,395 Speaker 1: morning was the time for it. You cannot indict somebody 111 00:07:59,435 --> 00:08:03,715 Speaker 1: on charges just hours after his own lawyers go in 112 00:08:03,795 --> 00:08:07,875 Speaker 1: to pitch you on not indicting him. It just isn't done, 113 00:08:08,675 --> 00:08:14,475 Speaker 1: and it works to the defense's advantage. So that meeting 114 00:08:15,355 --> 00:08:20,395 Speaker 1: was the last procedural hurdle before indicting him on January sixth, 115 00:08:20,515 --> 00:08:26,875 Speaker 1: charges before the revised marri Lago documents indictments sucked up 116 00:08:26,955 --> 00:08:29,115 Speaker 1: all the oxygen. There was a lot of reporting that 117 00:08:29,195 --> 00:08:32,315 Speaker 1: the meeting with the Trump lawyers yesterday included a discussion 118 00:08:32,555 --> 00:08:37,515 Speaker 1: of logistics, specifically how to handle the possible echoes of 119 00:08:37,755 --> 00:08:41,075 Speaker 1: January sixth, when they forced Trump to surrender for indictment 120 00:08:41,235 --> 00:08:47,315 Speaker 1: for January sixth, sharp eyed reporters saw Jason Bagshaw at 121 00:08:47,315 --> 00:08:51,155 Speaker 1: the Prettyman Courthouse yesterday. He is the DC Metropolitan Police 122 00:08:51,155 --> 00:08:57,755 Speaker 1: Department commander who specializes in planning for and handling protests. 123 00:08:59,275 --> 00:09:02,675 Speaker 1: Unless he was there because he really likes a restaurant 124 00:09:02,715 --> 00:09:06,035 Speaker 1: in the neighborhood. This should eri any doubts that the 125 00:09:06,155 --> 00:09:11,275 Speaker 1: Trump January sixth indictments are happening, and happening right soon. 126 00:09:12,835 --> 00:09:17,595 Speaker 1: As to how soon, well, if the May timeline is 127 00:09:17,715 --> 00:09:21,595 Speaker 1: held to then Smith met with Trump's lawyers on Monday, 128 00:09:22,235 --> 00:09:24,555 Speaker 1: and the grand jury did not indict him on its 129 00:09:24,595 --> 00:09:27,115 Speaker 1: next scheduled day, Tuesday, It did so on its next 130 00:09:27,155 --> 00:09:31,715 Speaker 1: one after that, Thursday. So the January sixth indictments should 131 00:09:31,795 --> 00:09:34,475 Speaker 1: be public no later than next Thursday. Hell, they they 132 00:09:34,515 --> 00:09:36,715 Speaker 1: could have been handed up yesterday and just held on 133 00:09:36,755 --> 00:09:40,435 Speaker 1: to and, as one legal analyst suggested, the prosecutors don't 134 00:09:40,435 --> 00:09:43,355 Speaker 1: want to go through the farce of Trump again breaking 135 00:09:43,395 --> 00:09:46,915 Speaker 1: the indictment news while they the prosecutors have to honor 136 00:09:46,955 --> 00:09:50,035 Speaker 1: the seal on the indictments. When they do reveal the 137 00:09:50,155 --> 00:09:53,795 Speaker 1: January sixth indictments, they could just send out a press 138 00:09:53,835 --> 00:10:01,315 Speaker 1: release shrug emoji. So I went to a January sixth 139 00:10:01,395 --> 00:10:06,395 Speaker 1: indictment in a stolen classified documents indictment broke out. Hey, 140 00:10:07,475 --> 00:10:10,475 Speaker 1: As I mentioned before, you now have the original marri 141 00:10:10,555 --> 00:10:16,475 Speaker 1: Lago case bolstered by evidence of a plot personally directed 142 00:10:16,515 --> 00:10:21,635 Speaker 1: by Trump. I'll say that again, personally directed by Trump, 143 00:10:22,115 --> 00:10:26,915 Speaker 1: a plot to destroy incriminating video evidence. And the plot 144 00:10:26,995 --> 00:10:30,115 Speaker 1: was apparently good at only one thing, which was leaving 145 00:10:30,275 --> 00:10:35,515 Speaker 1: clues all over the place in car load lots. Plus 146 00:10:38,835 --> 00:10:43,915 Speaker 1: the Feds have the Mark Milli document and the separate 147 00:10:43,955 --> 00:10:47,115 Speaker 1: issue of Trump's loud, angry denials that he had it 148 00:10:47,235 --> 00:10:51,515 Speaker 1: when he did have it, And you still have the 149 00:10:51,555 --> 00:10:55,235 Speaker 1: original thirty one documents they indicted him over, and you 150 00:10:55,275 --> 00:10:58,155 Speaker 1: have the January sixth indictments. And I haven't heard even 151 00:10:58,275 --> 00:11:01,555 Speaker 1: one vague guess as to how many charges Trump may 152 00:11:01,595 --> 00:11:05,675 Speaker 1: face on January sixth. Could be three, could be seven 153 00:11:05,755 --> 00:11:09,035 Speaker 1: hundred and three. And you have the Georgia case, and 154 00:11:09,115 --> 00:11:11,155 Speaker 1: you have the New York case, and you may have 155 00:11:11,155 --> 00:11:14,315 Speaker 1: another Jack Smith case. And in a vacuum, you would 156 00:11:14,355 --> 00:11:16,915 Speaker 1: be looking at Donald Trump going to prison for fifty 157 00:11:16,955 --> 00:11:20,675 Speaker 1: lifetimes and his name literally becoming the definition of truly 158 00:11:20,755 --> 00:11:26,075 Speaker 1: inept corruption the verb to Trump and his grandchildren changing 159 00:11:26,115 --> 00:11:29,555 Speaker 1: their names so they can just get on with their lives. 160 00:11:30,915 --> 00:11:33,835 Speaker 1: And sadly, we do not live in a vacuum. We 161 00:11:33,915 --> 00:11:37,275 Speaker 1: live in a world which contains all of that evidence 162 00:11:37,355 --> 00:11:40,955 Speaker 1: against Trump enough to convict him five hundred times over, 163 00:11:42,515 --> 00:11:45,675 Speaker 1: and all of the rank arrogant stupidity of that man 164 00:11:45,715 --> 00:11:50,235 Speaker 1: that exists simultaneously with his kind of amoral jungle cleverness, 165 00:11:51,395 --> 00:11:55,195 Speaker 1: and where since just last October, polling suggests the percentage 166 00:11:55,195 --> 00:11:58,915 Speaker 1: of Republicans who believe he committed a crime with these 167 00:11:58,995 --> 00:12:05,275 Speaker 1: documents jumped from nine percent to twenty five percent. In 168 00:12:05,315 --> 00:12:12,355 Speaker 1: this real world, we also have Judge Eileen Canon. I 169 00:12:12,435 --> 00:12:16,515 Speaker 1: have heard it posited. I have posited it myself that 170 00:12:16,595 --> 00:12:19,715 Speaker 1: without the encumbrance of the security clearances for the lawyers, 171 00:12:20,155 --> 00:12:24,275 Speaker 1: now increased by the addition of the third defendant, Carlos, 172 00:12:24,355 --> 00:12:27,515 Speaker 1: I don't know. I'll ask you, Seal Taveres di Olivera, 173 00:12:28,595 --> 00:12:31,915 Speaker 1: the January sixth case could come to trial long before 174 00:12:31,915 --> 00:12:35,475 Speaker 1: the document's case comes to trial. Maybe that's true, maybe 175 00:12:35,515 --> 00:12:37,195 Speaker 1: that's not true. But I think we need to look 176 00:12:37,235 --> 00:12:40,955 Speaker 1: with a more jaundiced eye at what Judge Eileen Canon 177 00:12:41,035 --> 00:12:44,635 Speaker 1: did in scheduling the document's trial to begin on May 178 00:12:44,755 --> 00:12:48,675 Speaker 1: twentieth of next year, because the date May twentieth of 179 00:12:48,755 --> 00:12:55,035 Speaker 1: next year is strictly bullshit. She also issued a schedule 180 00:12:55,115 --> 00:12:58,755 Speaker 1: for motions and responses and reports. And the thing has 181 00:12:58,955 --> 00:13:02,475 Speaker 1: thirty three deadlines on it before we get to the 182 00:13:02,515 --> 00:13:07,155 Speaker 1: trial date. Renewed Section three motion for protective order that 183 00:13:07,315 --> 00:13:12,475 Speaker 1: was yesterday. If each deadline is met with a cumulative 184 00:13:12,555 --> 00:13:17,275 Speaker 1: delay impacting for each deadline of only one day late. 185 00:13:17,835 --> 00:13:20,195 Speaker 1: If that's the case, one day late for each of 186 00:13:20,235 --> 00:13:23,755 Speaker 1: the thirty three deadlines, that May twentieth start of the 187 00:13:23,755 --> 00:13:27,915 Speaker 1: trial becomes Monday, June twenty fourth, twenty twenty four. If 188 00:13:27,955 --> 00:13:31,715 Speaker 1: each deadline had a five day delay, the start of 189 00:13:31,755 --> 00:13:37,075 Speaker 1: the trial would be on Wednesday, November one, twenty twenty four. 190 00:13:38,475 --> 00:13:42,235 Speaker 1: And if miracle of miracles, there are no delays. If 191 00:13:42,395 --> 00:13:53,395 Speaker 1: Judge Canon, you know, judges, what about the appeal? What 192 00:13:53,675 --> 00:13:59,115 Speaker 1: is it we need here as a nation? Do we 193 00:13:59,395 --> 00:14:03,595 Speaker 1: do you want revenge or do you want to make 194 00:14:03,635 --> 00:14:08,475 Speaker 1: sure this monster does not again become president of the 195 00:14:08,595 --> 00:14:13,675 Speaker 1: United States? Because if you go for revenge, you are 196 00:14:13,715 --> 00:14:16,835 Speaker 1: looking at the very slim possibility that he somehow beats 197 00:14:16,875 --> 00:14:20,675 Speaker 1: the rap by getting key evidence excluded, or lord knows 198 00:14:20,715 --> 00:14:24,075 Speaker 1: what chicanery, or more simply by delaying and delaying and 199 00:14:24,075 --> 00:14:27,075 Speaker 1: delaying until, as you know, in theory, anyway he is 200 00:14:27,115 --> 00:14:30,435 Speaker 1: again president and in control of the Department of Justice, 201 00:14:30,555 --> 00:14:35,995 Speaker 1: or another Republican is one who could pardon him. I 202 00:14:36,755 --> 00:14:40,475 Speaker 1: don't know what the rankings would look like of all 203 00:14:40,595 --> 00:14:44,635 Speaker 1: of the Americans who have fought his bastardization of our country, 204 00:14:44,795 --> 00:14:49,275 Speaker 1: who have warned of the Pandora's box he would did 205 00:14:49,355 --> 00:14:52,875 Speaker 1: open and then did shake out all over our remaining 206 00:14:52,955 --> 00:14:57,835 Speaker 1: goodness and decency. The list of the rankings of all 207 00:14:57,915 --> 00:15:00,475 Speaker 1: of us who have devoted all or parts of our 208 00:15:00,715 --> 00:15:04,675 Speaker 1: lives these eight long years or longer to fighting him. 209 00:15:04,915 --> 00:15:09,915 Speaker 1: But I would like to think I might rank low 210 00:15:09,995 --> 00:15:15,675 Speaker 1: four digits, mid four digits. I'm number two thousand, four 211 00:15:15,715 --> 00:15:19,475 Speaker 1: hundred and seventy five. Maybe I mean I have been 212 00:15:19,515 --> 00:15:22,595 Speaker 1: working against Trump one way or the other since I 213 00:15:22,715 --> 00:15:28,195 Speaker 1: met him, and that was in nineteen eighty three. And 214 00:15:28,275 --> 00:15:31,675 Speaker 1: if we could get an admission of guilt and an 215 00:15:31,715 --> 00:15:37,315 Speaker 1: airtight disqualification from public service and public office, and an 216 00:15:37,315 --> 00:15:44,195 Speaker 1: airtight exclusion from any pardon or commutation, I'll sign it. 217 00:15:47,835 --> 00:15:51,635 Speaker 1: Do I want justice, Yeah, goddamn right, I do. Do 218 00:15:51,755 --> 00:15:56,835 Speaker 1: I want him to die in prison? Yes, please, I'll watch. 219 00:15:57,715 --> 00:16:01,075 Speaker 1: Do I want revenge? Not proud of this, but yes, 220 00:16:01,675 --> 00:16:06,395 Speaker 1: effing sir. And I want none of those things as 221 00:16:06,475 --> 00:16:11,195 Speaker 1: much as I want him permanently removed from the leavers 222 00:16:11,275 --> 00:16:14,155 Speaker 1: of power of this nation in a way that provides 223 00:16:14,275 --> 00:16:20,395 Speaker 1: at least some token warning to the fascist masses who 224 00:16:20,475 --> 00:16:23,595 Speaker 1: support him and what he has stood for that ultimately 225 00:16:23,875 --> 00:16:27,595 Speaker 1: he did not succeed, and he did not prevail, and 226 00:16:27,635 --> 00:16:33,555 Speaker 1: that are very shoddy rumors of law do work at 227 00:16:33,635 --> 00:16:42,395 Speaker 1: least enough to stop armageddon? If not, you know, plague, 228 00:16:42,475 --> 00:16:45,355 Speaker 1: You pile on the charges. You fill the nation's minds 229 00:16:45,355 --> 00:16:48,395 Speaker 1: with the evidence, and you show all the emojis, and 230 00:16:48,515 --> 00:16:52,195 Speaker 1: you quote all the boss wanted the surveyor deleteds, and 231 00:16:52,315 --> 00:16:54,395 Speaker 1: you prove it, and you prove it, and you prove 232 00:16:54,435 --> 00:16:56,355 Speaker 1: it in the court of public opinion. But you do 233 00:16:56,475 --> 00:16:59,955 Speaker 1: not let the outcome of an actual trial depend on 234 00:17:00,115 --> 00:17:03,275 Speaker 1: the court of public opinion on the election. You cannot 235 00:17:03,395 --> 00:17:08,475 Speaker 1: take that risk. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm 236 00:17:08,595 --> 00:17:11,795 Speaker 1: almost certain this is academic. I do not think he 237 00:17:11,995 --> 00:17:16,315 Speaker 1: is enough of a human being to understand what will 238 00:17:16,395 --> 00:17:21,595 Speaker 1: happen to him if he loses. I don't think he 239 00:17:21,915 --> 00:17:26,515 Speaker 1: understands that cutting a deal like that would be an 240 00:17:26,795 --> 00:17:35,395 Speaker 1: utter victory for him. But as much as it pains me, 241 00:17:37,115 --> 00:17:41,715 Speaker 1: I live here, all my friends are here, my family 242 00:17:41,835 --> 00:17:44,995 Speaker 1: is here, all my stuff is here, I would like 243 00:17:45,115 --> 00:17:48,835 Speaker 1: this country to still exist six years from now. And 244 00:17:48,955 --> 00:17:52,875 Speaker 1: if he becomes president again, I'm not sure that's even 245 00:17:52,915 --> 00:18:08,435 Speaker 1: a fifty to fifty bet I would offer the deal. Also, 246 00:18:08,435 --> 00:18:13,835 Speaker 1: of interest, here you sealed Taveres. Trump's it guy. You 247 00:18:13,875 --> 00:18:17,875 Speaker 1: picked a fine time to leave me, you seal. Maybe 248 00:18:18,275 --> 00:18:24,835 Speaker 1: you seal. Tavares went to Washington and unglitched Mitch McConnell. Now, 249 00:18:24,875 --> 00:18:28,155 Speaker 1: maybe he needs to look at Dianne Feinstein. But what 250 00:18:28,195 --> 00:18:31,795 Speaker 1: we know for certain is he does not need to 251 00:18:31,875 --> 00:18:37,475 Speaker 1: see if Congresswoman Nancy Mace is working. Because she got 252 00:18:37,555 --> 00:18:41,995 Speaker 1: up at a Republican prayer breakfast and started talking about 253 00:18:42,755 --> 00:18:47,435 Speaker 1: the sex she didn't have yesterday morning so she could 254 00:18:47,475 --> 00:18:51,955 Speaker 1: make it to the prayer breakfast on time. In fact, 255 00:18:52,275 --> 00:18:58,755 Speaker 1: what she said was that's next. This is comdown. This 256 00:18:59,635 --> 00:19:11,595 Speaker 1: is countdown with Keith Over. Postscripts to the news, some headlines, 257 00:19:11,635 --> 00:19:16,275 Speaker 1: some updates, some snark, some predictions, Dateline, Turtle Bay. No 258 00:19:16,435 --> 00:19:19,915 Speaker 1: word on Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell whatever caused him 259 00:19:19,915 --> 00:19:23,795 Speaker 1: to shut down day before yesterday like a poorly charged iPhone. 260 00:19:23,835 --> 00:19:27,515 Speaker 1: There has been no explanation, no follow up, no transparency, 261 00:19:27,555 --> 00:19:29,915 Speaker 1: and no degree of the kind of pursuit of this 262 00:19:29,995 --> 00:19:34,115 Speaker 1: story by the media that would befall any Democrat. There 263 00:19:34,395 --> 00:19:37,795 Speaker 1: was decent reporting on the Mitch McConnell. If you believe 264 00:19:37,835 --> 00:19:41,355 Speaker 1: in heavenly vengeance, this is it tour. It turns out 265 00:19:41,355 --> 00:19:44,155 Speaker 1: his discovery that gravity is more than just a theory 266 00:19:44,715 --> 00:19:47,955 Speaker 1: did not begin with that concussion suffered at a Washington 267 00:19:47,995 --> 00:19:52,715 Speaker 1: hotel in March. McConnell also fell in Finland in February 268 00:19:52,795 --> 00:19:56,275 Speaker 1: while on the way to the Fiords. Now he was 269 00:19:56,355 --> 00:19:59,435 Speaker 1: going to meet that nation's president, but Fiord sounded better, 270 00:19:59,915 --> 00:20:02,395 Speaker 1: no apparent injury, but then came the concussion and the 271 00:20:02,395 --> 00:20:06,195 Speaker 1: fractured ribs in Washington in March. A third spill also 272 00:20:06,315 --> 00:20:09,235 Speaker 1: unreported earlier this month, when he tripped and felt at 273 00:20:09,315 --> 00:20:13,475 Speaker 1: National Airport in DC. NBC also reporting he's been going 274 00:20:13,475 --> 00:20:18,835 Speaker 1: through airports in wheelchairs. Dateline, The Senate and McConnell may 275 00:20:18,875 --> 00:20:22,155 Speaker 1: not be the most troubled sitting senator in the sprawling 276 00:20:22,315 --> 00:20:26,395 Speaker 1: sixties Henry Fonda politics movie Advise and Consent. There is 277 00:20:26,435 --> 00:20:29,995 Speaker 1: a scene in which an antidiluvian senator is dozing in 278 00:20:30,035 --> 00:20:33,315 Speaker 1: the cloakroom when he is awakened by another senator played 279 00:20:33,355 --> 00:20:37,075 Speaker 1: by Peter Lawford. They need the sleeping solon for a vote, 280 00:20:37,355 --> 00:20:40,795 Speaker 1: and Lawford shakes him to wake him without any preamble. 281 00:20:40,875 --> 00:20:47,035 Speaker 1: The senator bolts upright and shouts opposed. Diametrically opposed. Lawford 282 00:20:47,115 --> 00:20:50,675 Speaker 1: therefore says no, not yet, senator, and I think you're 283 00:20:50,715 --> 00:20:54,515 Speaker 1: in favor. The senator nods and goes back to sleep. 284 00:20:55,155 --> 00:21:00,115 Speaker 1: See but that was a movie. This was Senator Dianne 285 00:21:00,235 --> 00:21:09,595 Speaker 1: Feinstein in the you know, Senate Senator Feinstein business. 286 00:21:10,635 --> 00:21:16,915 Speaker 2: Pardon me, Yeah, to say, I would like to support 287 00:21:17,035 --> 00:21:21,835 Speaker 2: a yes vote on this. It provides eight hundred and 288 00:21:21,875 --> 00:21:26,395 Speaker 2: twenty three billion. That's an increase of twenty six billion 289 00:21:27,035 --> 00:21:33,515 Speaker 2: for the Department of Defense, and it funds priorities submitted. 290 00:21:36,355 --> 00:21:38,355 Speaker 1: Yeah, just say I'm okay, just. 291 00:21:40,515 --> 00:21:41,755 Speaker 2: Hi, thank you. 292 00:21:43,355 --> 00:21:45,835 Speaker 1: Just in case you assumed that anybody younger would be 293 00:21:45,875 --> 00:21:49,355 Speaker 1: an improvement anybody at all, or would be more responsible 294 00:21:50,035 --> 00:21:54,915 Speaker 1: or would just be more I don't know, professional we 295 00:21:54,995 --> 00:22:00,115 Speaker 1: have Representative Nancy Mace of South Carolina. I've talked about 296 00:22:00,155 --> 00:22:03,075 Speaker 1: her before and I have suggested she has a screw loose. 297 00:22:03,795 --> 00:22:06,595 Speaker 1: Little did I know? Oh, and I don't know if 298 00:22:06,995 --> 00:22:09,875 Speaker 1: this is what her constituency wants to hear from her. 299 00:22:10,155 --> 00:22:15,075 Speaker 1: Maybe it is in public at a prayer breakfast at 300 00:22:15,075 --> 00:22:19,195 Speaker 1: a South Carolina State Prayer Breakfast at a Tim Scott, 301 00:22:19,355 --> 00:22:21,995 Speaker 1: South Carolina State Prayer Breakfast. 302 00:22:21,595 --> 00:22:25,515 Speaker 3: Another year, another standing room only event. And when I 303 00:22:25,555 --> 00:22:28,475 Speaker 3: woke up this morning at seven, I was getting picked 304 00:22:28,555 --> 00:22:31,675 Speaker 3: up at seven forty five. Patrick, my fiance tried to 305 00:22:31,795 --> 00:22:34,395 Speaker 3: pull me by my waist over this morning at bet 306 00:22:34,435 --> 00:22:35,795 Speaker 3: and I was like, no, baby, we don't got time 307 00:22:35,835 --> 00:22:38,315 Speaker 3: for that. This morning. I got to get to the 308 00:22:38,315 --> 00:22:41,555 Speaker 3: prayer breakfast and I got to be on time and 309 00:22:41,915 --> 00:22:46,075 Speaker 3: little tea of mine, but I you know, he can wait, 310 00:22:46,115 --> 00:22:47,995 Speaker 3: he's got we got I'll see him later tonight. 311 00:22:48,875 --> 00:22:53,995 Speaker 1: But back to you, Reverend. As the fascist website The 312 00:22:54,035 --> 00:22:58,235 Speaker 1: Blaze put it, Nancy Mayce tells audience she declined sex 313 00:22:58,315 --> 00:23:02,555 Speaker 1: this morning to show up at a prayer breakfast. Hey, 314 00:23:02,795 --> 00:23:07,475 Speaker 1: you know what else I understand, Representative Nancy Mace is 315 00:23:07,595 --> 00:23:13,515 Speaker 1: part of this organization that is bi cameral Hey now 316 00:23:27,075 --> 00:23:29,555 Speaker 1: still ahead on an all new edition of Countdown Shake 317 00:23:29,675 --> 00:23:33,395 Speaker 1: Hands with Bertie Doggett. This is not one of the 318 00:23:33,395 --> 00:23:36,555 Speaker 1: most famous of the James Thurber stories, but it is 319 00:23:36,795 --> 00:23:39,595 Speaker 1: one of his funniest. Next first time for the daily 320 00:23:39,635 --> 00:23:42,195 Speaker 1: roundup of the miss Grints, Morons and Dunning Kruger effects 321 00:23:42,195 --> 00:23:48,915 Speaker 1: specimens who constitute today's worst persons in the world. Nancy 322 00:23:48,995 --> 00:23:54,955 Speaker 1: Mace not here the Bronze Barbie, Here we go. You 323 00:23:55,075 --> 00:23:57,715 Speaker 1: knew this was going to happen. Three hundred and thirty 324 00:23:57,755 --> 00:24:01,755 Speaker 1: seven million dollars worldwide the first weekend the movie is out, 325 00:24:02,275 --> 00:24:05,315 Speaker 1: and out go all the dramas and the ram and 326 00:24:05,395 --> 00:24:12,395 Speaker 1: the comic book films and income movies about dolls. Variety 327 00:24:12,435 --> 00:24:16,635 Speaker 1: reports that Lily Collins from Emily in Paris will star 328 00:24:16,835 --> 00:24:20,755 Speaker 1: as Polly Pocket in an upcoming movie about that doll. 329 00:24:21,555 --> 00:24:25,515 Speaker 1: Lena Dunham will direct. I recognize that those are words 330 00:24:25,795 --> 00:24:28,595 Speaker 1: and human names, but I don't really know what they mean. 331 00:24:29,715 --> 00:24:32,595 Speaker 1: The Mattel Company also claims films are now in development 332 00:24:32,635 --> 00:24:36,715 Speaker 1: for Barney Thomas and Friends and American Girl, and my 333 00:24:36,835 --> 00:24:41,035 Speaker 1: sources say American Girl will be directed by Scorsese, The 334 00:24:41,115 --> 00:24:44,795 Speaker 1: runner up Jonathan Turley my god, I can't figure out 335 00:24:44,835 --> 00:24:48,035 Speaker 1: what happened to this man, brain injury or blackmail, but 336 00:24:48,195 --> 00:24:51,595 Speaker 1: he's topped himself or bottomed, I'm unclear on the terminology. 337 00:24:52,075 --> 00:24:54,675 Speaker 1: Turley has written a piece for this disastrous new news 338 00:24:54,715 --> 00:24:59,875 Speaker 1: website called The Messenger, which postulates that I'll just quote him. 339 00:25:00,275 --> 00:25:04,315 Speaker 1: With the debacle in Delaware, there remains the ultimate break 340 00:25:04,315 --> 00:25:08,115 Speaker 1: that glas as option for the Bidens, the president could 341 00:25:08,355 --> 00:25:11,635 Speaker 1: pardon his son and then announce that he will not 342 00:25:11,875 --> 00:25:16,675 Speaker 1: run for reelection unquote. This is how far down the 343 00:25:16,795 --> 00:25:21,075 Speaker 1: rabbit hole previously intelligence people who have become infected with 344 00:25:21,195 --> 00:25:26,155 Speaker 1: conservatism find themselves going. Not only does John Turley have 345 00:25:26,275 --> 00:25:30,195 Speaker 1: to wore himself out to serve this mirror image world 346 00:25:30,235 --> 00:25:33,635 Speaker 1: in which the figurative parking meter violations of the Bidens 347 00:25:33,955 --> 00:25:37,035 Speaker 1: are worse than the figurative mass murders of the Trumps, 348 00:25:37,755 --> 00:25:40,275 Speaker 1: but he now is part of this borg that actually 349 00:25:40,315 --> 00:25:44,875 Speaker 1: believes Biden's son would need a pardon and he has 350 00:25:44,955 --> 00:25:49,275 Speaker 1: some reason to not run for reelection. And as to Turtley, 351 00:25:49,715 --> 00:25:52,475 Speaker 1: as Hockey's Dino Cicarelli once said about the on ice 352 00:25:52,555 --> 00:25:57,475 Speaker 1: thug Claude Lemieux, I can't believe I shook this guy's frigginhand. 353 00:25:58,995 --> 00:26:02,435 Speaker 1: But our winner, Senator Tommy Tubberville of Alabama, the man 354 00:26:02,515 --> 00:26:05,995 Speaker 1: blocking every promotion in the military over his culture Wars. 355 00:26:06,355 --> 00:26:10,155 Speaker 1: Turns out he's simultaneously continuing to gas light and boast 356 00:26:10,195 --> 00:26:13,155 Speaker 1: about how his daddy won the Second World War. Guess 357 00:26:13,195 --> 00:26:17,515 Speaker 1: what Senator's doing a little lying, working as best as 358 00:26:17,555 --> 00:26:20,355 Speaker 1: it can around the fact that virtually all official US 359 00:26:20,435 --> 00:26:23,915 Speaker 1: military World War II personnel records were destroyed in a 360 00:26:23,955 --> 00:26:27,555 Speaker 1: fire in the fifties. The Washington Post reports that at best, 361 00:26:28,435 --> 00:26:32,275 Speaker 1: Tuberville has wildly exaggerated what his father actually did during 362 00:26:32,355 --> 00:26:35,475 Speaker 1: the war. The senator frequently claims his father lied about 363 00:26:35,475 --> 00:26:37,115 Speaker 1: his age and went into the army at the age 364 00:26:37,115 --> 00:26:41,755 Speaker 1: of sixteen, But the elder Tubberville, Charles Tuberville's draft registration 365 00:26:41,875 --> 00:26:45,515 Speaker 1: card still exists. He submitted it on July sixteenth, nineteen 366 00:26:45,595 --> 00:26:50,035 Speaker 1: forty three, his eighteenth birthday. Senator Tuberville says his father 367 00:26:50,155 --> 00:26:52,755 Speaker 1: was a tank commander. The Post says that is quote dubious. 368 00:26:53,235 --> 00:26:56,115 Speaker 1: The man's own tombstone says his highest rank was technician 369 00:26:56,195 --> 00:27:00,275 Speaker 1: fifth grade. Tech fives sometimes drove tanks, they did not 370 00:27:00,435 --> 00:27:04,315 Speaker 1: command them. Sergeants commanded them. Tuberville says his father was 371 00:27:04,315 --> 00:27:06,795 Speaker 1: part of D Day, that, of course, was on June fifth, 372 00:27:06,875 --> 00:27:10,635 Speaker 1: nineteen forty four. The Post finds a contemporary newspaper report 373 00:27:10,675 --> 00:27:14,475 Speaker 1: that says Charles Tuberville had been in Europe since June seventh, 374 00:27:14,595 --> 00:27:19,675 Speaker 1: nineteen forty four. Tuberville says his father won five bronze Stars. 375 00:27:20,435 --> 00:27:22,835 Speaker 1: The Post notes that the most decorated soldier of World 376 00:27:22,835 --> 00:27:26,435 Speaker 1: War II, Audie Murphy, was awarded two silver stars and 377 00:27:26,515 --> 00:27:30,675 Speaker 1: two bronze stars. The Post says there is evidence Tuberville's 378 00:27:30,675 --> 00:27:35,035 Speaker 1: father won Bronze Service Stars, which were given to every 379 00:27:35,155 --> 00:27:38,515 Speaker 1: member in a company present during a campaign or engagement, 380 00:27:38,915 --> 00:27:42,915 Speaker 1: but those are not Bronze Stars and gaudiest of all. 381 00:27:42,995 --> 00:27:46,515 Speaker 1: Tommy Tuberville insists his daddy drove a tank into Paris 382 00:27:46,755 --> 00:27:50,075 Speaker 1: as American troops liberated the city, which would have been 383 00:27:50,115 --> 00:27:53,235 Speaker 1: a neat trick. On that day, August twenty ninth, nineteen 384 00:27:53,315 --> 00:27:56,795 Speaker 1: forty four, American tanks drove down the Champs Ely's, and 385 00:27:56,875 --> 00:28:01,355 Speaker 1: Tommy Tuberville's dad was with the ninth Armored Division, crossing 386 00:28:01,395 --> 00:28:06,595 Speaker 1: the Marn ninety miles north of Paris. Yes, unless he 387 00:28:06,595 --> 00:28:09,115 Speaker 1: took it for a joy ride. He did not help 388 00:28:09,195 --> 00:28:12,915 Speaker 1: liberate Paris. So whatever you think of Tommy Tubberville, just 389 00:28:12,955 --> 00:28:16,635 Speaker 1: remember he's worse than that. To feed his own ego, 390 00:28:17,035 --> 00:28:21,115 Speaker 1: he has dragged his late father's honorable military record through 391 00:28:21,155 --> 00:28:30,035 Speaker 1: the mud and generously exaggerated it. Senator Tommy Tuberville fraud 392 00:28:30,755 --> 00:28:50,475 Speaker 1: lying about his father. Today's worst person. And I believe 393 00:28:50,555 --> 00:28:53,875 Speaker 1: the first time I ever heard James Thurber read aloud, 394 00:28:53,915 --> 00:28:57,435 Speaker 1: it was by William Windham, the great actor who did 395 00:28:57,555 --> 00:29:03,115 Speaker 1: so much serious stuff drama, comedy. He's a Star Trek 396 00:29:03,155 --> 00:29:07,555 Speaker 1: Original series key figure. He did a lot of great 397 00:29:07,595 --> 00:29:10,755 Speaker 1: acting in so many different roles. And he did a 398 00:29:10,875 --> 00:29:13,635 Speaker 1: special on PBS when I was in college in which 399 00:29:13,955 --> 00:29:18,075 Speaker 1: he performed as James Thurber, narrated some of the drawings, 400 00:29:18,515 --> 00:29:21,115 Speaker 1: recited from memory, many of the short stories and many 401 00:29:21,155 --> 00:29:23,475 Speaker 1: of the longer ones too, And I later had the 402 00:29:23,515 --> 00:29:26,315 Speaker 1: pleasure of telling him that he was my inspiration for 403 00:29:26,435 --> 00:29:30,835 Speaker 1: reading James Thurber aloud, and we corresponded about how to 404 00:29:30,955 --> 00:29:35,155 Speaker 1: possibly improve some of the diceier parts of some of 405 00:29:35,155 --> 00:29:38,435 Speaker 1: the Thurber stories and make them useful for twenty first 406 00:29:38,435 --> 00:29:43,155 Speaker 1: century America. Mister Wyndham died about ten years ago, and 407 00:29:43,195 --> 00:29:47,755 Speaker 1: I lament him still I recorded on tape his Theurber 408 00:29:47,835 --> 00:29:52,915 Speaker 1: Special on PBS, and I still have it, not videotape, audiotape, 409 00:29:52,995 --> 00:29:55,955 Speaker 1: a cassette. We didn't have home videotape, although I'm proud 410 00:29:55,995 --> 00:29:59,075 Speaker 1: to say he sent me a copy of a DVD 411 00:29:59,475 --> 00:30:02,075 Speaker 1: of the performance, and one of the stories he reads, 412 00:30:02,315 --> 00:30:04,755 Speaker 1: or in fact recites, I will now read for you 413 00:30:05,035 --> 00:30:07,795 Speaker 1: it is. I like it very much. It's not considered 414 00:30:08,075 --> 00:30:11,955 Speaker 1: part of the great canon of James Thurber, but I 415 00:30:11,955 --> 00:30:16,395 Speaker 1: think it's terrific. And it's called Shake Hands with Bertie 416 00:30:16,435 --> 00:30:24,435 Speaker 1: Dogget by James Thurber. John Bertie dogget known as Bertie 417 00:30:24,635 --> 00:30:27,195 Speaker 1: to the few people who speak to him, must be 418 00:30:27,275 --> 00:30:31,035 Speaker 1: fifty three now, but he wears his years with a smirk, 419 00:30:31,075 --> 00:30:33,435 Speaker 1: and he has as bad a practical joker as ever. 420 00:30:34,395 --> 00:30:37,715 Speaker 1: Other American cutups in the Grand Tradition began to disappear 421 00:30:37,715 --> 00:30:40,875 Speaker 1: in October nineteen twenty nine, and they are as hard 422 00:30:40,915 --> 00:30:46,355 Speaker 1: to find now as bison. But Doggett's waggishness has no calendar. 423 00:30:47,475 --> 00:30:49,915 Speaker 1: You must have run into him at some party or other. 424 00:30:49,995 --> 00:30:52,235 Speaker 1: He's the man whose right hand comes off when you 425 00:30:52,275 --> 00:30:55,395 Speaker 1: try to shake it. The late George Bancroft once pulled 426 00:30:55,435 --> 00:30:57,275 Speaker 1: that gag in a movie, But that was so long 427 00:30:57,315 --> 00:30:59,595 Speaker 1: ago the picture must be a cherished item in the 428 00:30:59,715 --> 00:31:05,275 Speaker 1: Museum of Modern Arts Film Library even now. When everybody 429 00:31:05,275 --> 00:31:08,395 Speaker 1: else was running the gamut of bomb fear from A 430 00:31:08,675 --> 00:31:12,675 Speaker 1: to H. Birdie Doggett was at Grand Central with one 431 00:31:13,115 --> 00:31:16,315 Speaker 1: roller skate, which he managed to attach to the shoe 432 00:31:16,315 --> 00:31:19,355 Speaker 1: of a man sleeping on a bench. When the fellow 433 00:31:19,435 --> 00:31:23,315 Speaker 1: woke and stood up, He described a brief, desperate semi 434 00:31:23,435 --> 00:31:27,035 Speaker 1: circle clutched a woman shopper about the knees, dragged her 435 00:31:27,035 --> 00:31:29,715 Speaker 1: and her bundles to the cold floor, and was attacked 436 00:31:29,715 --> 00:31:34,155 Speaker 1: by her muzzled Scottie Dogged, as always, was the first 437 00:31:34,195 --> 00:31:36,595 Speaker 1: to lend the hand, helping the woman to her feet, 438 00:31:36,635 --> 00:31:39,155 Speaker 1: and then turning to the man, where the hell's your 439 00:31:39,195 --> 00:31:43,155 Speaker 1: other skate? He demanded, sharply, that's what caused all this trouble. 440 00:31:44,315 --> 00:31:47,595 Speaker 1: He took his skate off the victim's foot and disappeared 441 00:31:47,595 --> 00:31:50,595 Speaker 1: into the crowd that had begun to gather. What's the 442 00:31:50,635 --> 00:31:55,475 Speaker 1: matter over there, a small man asked him apprehensively. Dogget shrugged, Uh. 443 00:31:55,755 --> 00:31:57,995 Speaker 1: They found a woman with a ticking package, he said. 444 00:31:59,115 --> 00:32:02,275 Speaker 1: The other man turned and left the station, missing the train. 445 00:32:02,355 --> 00:32:06,475 Speaker 1: He had told his wife he would take. Doggett's pranks 446 00:32:06,635 --> 00:32:09,795 Speaker 1: usually have the effect of involving people on their far edges, 447 00:32:10,355 --> 00:32:13,995 Speaker 1: one of two of whom have been divorced as a result. 448 00:32:15,395 --> 00:32:18,155 Speaker 1: A publisher I know thinks Dogget would make a good story. 449 00:32:18,835 --> 00:32:21,355 Speaker 1: I disagree, because I don't think there's anything good about 450 00:32:21,355 --> 00:32:23,995 Speaker 1: the fellow, but I have done some checking up on 451 00:32:24,075 --> 00:32:27,395 Speaker 1: him out of force of habit. His father, the late 452 00:32:27,595 --> 00:32:30,915 Speaker 1: Carol Lamb Dogget, was a Methodist minister, and his mother 453 00:32:31,035 --> 00:32:35,515 Speaker 1: was a witch, born Ata June Birdie. When her son 454 00:32:35,555 --> 00:32:37,835 Speaker 1: was only ten, she taught him how to set stranger's 455 00:32:37,955 --> 00:32:42,075 Speaker 1: umbrellas on fire. After an April shower, she would sally 456 00:32:42,195 --> 00:32:45,795 Speaker 1: forth with the little Helion. They lived in Dayton in 457 00:32:45,835 --> 00:32:49,195 Speaker 1: search of a citizen with a floppy umbrella. After an 458 00:32:49,235 --> 00:32:52,915 Speaker 1: April shower, Dayton men lower their umbrellas without bothering to 459 00:32:53,035 --> 00:32:56,635 Speaker 1: roll them. Missus Dogget would hunt until she found a 460 00:32:56,675 --> 00:33:00,075 Speaker 1: man waiting for a street car, his umbrella sagging open 461 00:33:00,115 --> 00:33:03,835 Speaker 1: at his side. She would then surreptitiously fill the umbrella 462 00:33:03,875 --> 00:33:07,475 Speaker 1: with paper, several dozen kitchen matches, and perhaps one or 463 00:33:07,475 --> 00:33:12,235 Speaker 1: two ping pong balls. As the street car approached, she 464 00:33:12,275 --> 00:33:17,475 Speaker 1: would drop a lighted match into the umbrella. Now, hell 465 00:33:17,755 --> 00:33:22,075 Speaker 1: hath no dismay like that of a gentleman whose wet 466 00:33:22,235 --> 00:33:27,755 Speaker 1: umbrella suddenly bursts into flame. Instead of rolling the thing 467 00:33:27,835 --> 00:33:31,435 Speaker 1: to smother the blaze or simply throwing it away, nine 468 00:33:31,515 --> 00:33:35,355 Speaker 1: out of ten men, according to Dogget's statistics, will flail 469 00:33:35,395 --> 00:33:40,395 Speaker 1: it around in the air, thus increasing the conflagration. Many 470 00:33:40,395 --> 00:33:43,315 Speaker 1: of Missus Doggett's victims were arrested for disturbing the peace 471 00:33:43,755 --> 00:33:49,315 Speaker 1: or for arson. Bertie Doggett has never been much interested 472 00:33:49,355 --> 00:33:53,435 Speaker 1: in the exasperating paraphernalia of the trick and puzzle shops. 473 00:33:54,155 --> 00:33:56,835 Speaker 1: He still uses the wax hand, and he has tried 474 00:33:56,875 --> 00:34:01,195 Speaker 1: out dribble glasses, whoopee cushions, the foul smelling stuff you 475 00:34:01,235 --> 00:34:03,355 Speaker 1: put on chair bottoms to make people think they've just 476 00:34:03,395 --> 00:34:06,875 Speaker 1: sat on a lighted cigarette, and other such juvenile props. 477 00:34:07,755 --> 00:34:10,515 Speaker 1: But they never got a real hold on his fancy. 478 00:34:10,635 --> 00:34:14,915 Speaker 1: He likes the elaborate rib involving a lot of people, 479 00:34:15,475 --> 00:34:19,115 Speaker 1: the more the better. He will take a sackful of 480 00:34:19,275 --> 00:34:22,315 Speaker 1: cold poached eggs to some crowded Fifth Avenue store at 481 00:34:22,395 --> 00:34:25,715 Speaker 1: Christmas time and slip them one at a time into 482 00:34:25,755 --> 00:34:30,835 Speaker 1: the pockets of shoppers husbands, and he dreams of bumping 483 00:34:30,875 --> 00:34:33,635 Speaker 1: into a woman visitor in the ancient glass and crystal 484 00:34:33,715 --> 00:34:37,235 Speaker 1: room of some museum, dropping an ordinary table tumbler on 485 00:34:37,275 --> 00:34:41,955 Speaker 1: the tile floor, and sobbing. Sweet God, lady, you have 486 00:34:42,115 --> 00:34:47,355 Speaker 1: broken the sacred chalice of King Alexander and making her 487 00:34:47,395 --> 00:34:51,635 Speaker 1: believe it. He has pulled this gag over and over 488 00:34:51,675 --> 00:34:56,115 Speaker 1: since nineteen twenty four, but never successfully, with the result 489 00:34:56,155 --> 00:34:58,955 Speaker 1: that he has appeared sixteen times in Jefferson Market Court 490 00:34:58,995 --> 00:35:03,955 Speaker 1: alone on charges of disturbing the peace, jostling, and molestation. 491 00:35:05,635 --> 00:35:08,795 Speaker 1: What dogget probably enjoys more than anything else is following 492 00:35:08,835 --> 00:35:11,995 Speaker 1: a couple of women along Fifth Avenue or Madison, keeping 493 00:35:12,035 --> 00:35:16,555 Speaker 1: discreetly out of sight but well within earshot, until he 494 00:35:16,555 --> 00:35:19,915 Speaker 1: hears one of the two ladies call the other by name. 495 00:35:21,075 --> 00:35:23,955 Speaker 1: He says that women are fond of using each other's 496 00:35:24,035 --> 00:35:26,995 Speaker 1: full name, as in Lie Miriam Shirtle, I never heard 497 00:35:27,035 --> 00:35:30,595 Speaker 1: of such a thing in all my born days. As 498 00:35:30,635 --> 00:35:33,995 Speaker 1: soon as miss shirtle let us say has thus been 499 00:35:34,035 --> 00:35:37,955 Speaker 1: fully identified, Doggett will walk briskly ahead for several blocks 500 00:35:38,195 --> 00:35:42,315 Speaker 1: and then retrace his steps. This soon brings him face 501 00:35:42,355 --> 00:35:44,835 Speaker 1: to face with his quarry, upon whom he will pounce 502 00:35:44,875 --> 00:35:48,355 Speaker 1: with a delighted why, Miriam Shirtle, fancy meeting you here 503 00:35:48,635 --> 00:35:51,195 Speaker 1: uncross those lovely eyes and tell me I have been 504 00:35:52,675 --> 00:35:55,875 Speaker 1: a young woman he wants accosted like this in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, 505 00:35:56,075 --> 00:35:58,715 Speaker 1: asked him to her house for cocktails in the hope 506 00:35:58,715 --> 00:36:01,515 Speaker 1: that some member of her family would know who he was, 507 00:36:02,835 --> 00:36:06,715 Speaker 1: but nobody was home. His hostess turned out to be 508 00:36:06,715 --> 00:36:10,795 Speaker 1: a bore, so Bertie put knockout drops in her second martini, 509 00:36:10,955 --> 00:36:14,075 Speaker 1: and after she had passed out, he stole a marble 510 00:36:14,155 --> 00:36:17,955 Speaker 1: plaque of Kitchener from her mother's room and he went away. 511 00:36:19,075 --> 00:36:22,355 Speaker 1: The next day it arrived at the Shirtles, beautifully wrapped 512 00:36:22,635 --> 00:36:26,715 Speaker 1: and bearing a card with the simple legend Merry Christmas 513 00:36:27,195 --> 00:36:34,035 Speaker 1: from the President of the United States. John Bertie Doggett 514 00:36:34,195 --> 00:36:38,635 Speaker 1: married a tapioca brain one afternoon twenty years ago, possibly 515 00:36:38,675 --> 00:36:42,275 Speaker 1: because he had lost a bet nobody knows. He took 516 00:36:42,355 --> 00:36:44,155 Speaker 1: her to his house and told her to wait in 517 00:36:44,155 --> 00:36:47,035 Speaker 1: the living room while he went upstairs and quieted his 518 00:36:47,075 --> 00:36:50,715 Speaker 1: two great danes. He put a record of a dog 519 00:36:50,755 --> 00:36:52,955 Speaker 1: fight on a phonograph he kept in his bedroom, and 520 00:36:52,995 --> 00:36:56,955 Speaker 1: slipped quietly out the back door. At three in the morning, 521 00:36:57,515 --> 00:36:59,875 Speaker 1: he showed up in the living room with two match players, 522 00:36:59,915 --> 00:37:05,755 Speaker 1: Lou Gettling and Vic Talbot. Who's this, disconsolate female Talbot 523 00:37:05,795 --> 00:37:12,075 Speaker 1: demanded fairly, using an incurable antipathy to games of chance 524 00:37:12,155 --> 00:37:17,315 Speaker 1: and cunning, The bride drew herself up stiffly. I am 525 00:37:17,435 --> 00:37:23,195 Speaker 1: Missus John Bertie Doggett, she said, striving for a outeur. 526 00:37:23,515 --> 00:37:28,755 Speaker 1: The name will not sustain. I forgot about her wind Doggett. 527 00:37:28,955 --> 00:37:31,195 Speaker 1: After all, we haven't been married twenty or thirty years. 528 00:37:31,395 --> 00:37:36,195 Speaker 1: I've only been married eleven hours. Missus Doggett. The former 529 00:37:36,235 --> 00:37:39,155 Speaker 1: Ann Keley, went home to her mother, Missus Paul W. Coeley, 530 00:37:39,155 --> 00:37:43,555 Speaker 1: and never saw Bertie again. I join her in the 531 00:37:43,635 --> 00:37:46,395 Speaker 1: fervent hope that he may someday choke on his candied 532 00:37:46,555 --> 00:37:51,115 Speaker 1: dice and pass forever out of our consciousness. He is 533 00:37:51,355 --> 00:37:54,635 Speaker 1: a hard man to forget, though. I never start to 534 00:37:54,675 --> 00:37:56,795 Speaker 1: get out of a chair no matter where I am, 535 00:37:56,835 --> 00:38:00,315 Speaker 1: without glancing at my shoes to see if I am 536 00:38:00,355 --> 00:38:05,195 Speaker 1: wearing one roller skate and feeling in my pockets old 537 00:38:06,315 --> 00:38:27,275 Speaker 1: cold eggs. Meet Bertie Doggett by James Thurber. I've done 538 00:38:27,315 --> 00:38:29,315 Speaker 1: all the damage I can do here. Thank you for listening. 539 00:38:29,395 --> 00:38:31,235 Speaker 1: Here are the credits. Most of the music was arranged, 540 00:38:31,275 --> 00:38:33,995 Speaker 1: produced and performed by Brian Ray and John Phillip Schanel, 541 00:38:34,275 --> 00:38:37,915 Speaker 1: who are the Countdown musical directors. All orchestration and keyboards 542 00:38:37,955 --> 00:38:41,075 Speaker 1: by John Phillip Shanel, Guitars, bass and drums by Brian Ray, 543 00:38:41,435 --> 00:38:45,955 Speaker 1: produced by Tko Brothers. James Thurber's works are copyright James 544 00:38:45,995 --> 00:38:48,995 Speaker 1: Thurber and the James Thurber Literary Trust and appear here 545 00:38:49,075 --> 00:38:53,115 Speaker 1: courtesy of the fine folks over there and James Berber's daughter. 546 00:38:53,755 --> 00:38:56,475 Speaker 1: Other Beethoven selections have been arranged and performed by No 547 00:38:56,595 --> 00:38:59,795 Speaker 1: Horns Aloud. The sports music is the Olderman theme from 548 00:38:59,955 --> 00:39:02,795 Speaker 1: ESPN two, which was written by Mitch Warren Davis Curtesy 549 00:39:02,795 --> 00:39:06,195 Speaker 1: of ESPN, Inc. Musical comments by Nancy Fauss, the best 550 00:39:06,195 --> 00:39:09,435 Speaker 1: baseball stadium organist ever. Our announcer today, out of our 551 00:39:09,515 --> 00:39:12,395 Speaker 1: set of wonderful announcers, was my friend Stevie van zandt 552 00:39:12,875 --> 00:39:16,355 Speaker 1: and everything else is pretty much my fault. Remember. Countdown 553 00:39:16,395 --> 00:39:21,435 Speaker 1: now also available on YouTube. Nobody knows why that's countdown? 554 00:39:21,475 --> 00:39:23,195 Speaker 1: For this the nine hundred and thirty fourth days since 555 00:39:23,235 --> 00:39:26,275 Speaker 1: Donald Trump's first attempted coup against the democratically elected government. 556 00:39:26,315 --> 00:39:29,915 Speaker 1: Of the United States arrest him again while we still can. 557 00:39:30,555 --> 00:39:34,515 Speaker 1: Would today be convenient? The next scheduled countdown is Monday 558 00:39:34,635 --> 00:39:37,235 Speaker 1: bulletins as the news warrant still then on Keith Olderman 559 00:39:37,275 --> 00:39:58,355 Speaker 1: good Morning, good afternoon, goodnight, and good luck. Countdown with 560 00:39:58,515 --> 00:40:02,795 Speaker 1: Keith Olderman is a production of iHeartRadio. For more podcasts 561 00:40:02,835 --> 00:40:06,715 Speaker 1: from iHeartRadio, visit the ihear art Radio app, Apple Podcasts, 562 00:40:06,995 --> 00:40:08,955 Speaker 1: or wherever you get your podcasts.